Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-19-26 w/ ADAM RAY

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Bill rambles with Adam Ray about his Dr. Phil Show on Netflix, crying on cue, and FOMO. Helix:  Helix is offering 20% off plus two free pillows for all your mattresses orders at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR  Harley Davidson:  Sign up for the Harley Davidson Riding Academy website which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license at  harleydavidson.com/billburr.

Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's going to be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb.

And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy And I think you know while I'm gone having people stay there good way to make a little extra money put towards some some gifts For people it's just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca. All right. Hey, what's going on, everybody?

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I started to spit. That's why I do a little fucking lizard thing there with my tongue. You know the deal. If I'm on camera, on you. I started to spit. That's why I do a little fucking lizard thing there with my tongue. You know the deal. If I'm on camera, it's not my typical narcissist look at me shit.

It means I have a very special guest and today is no different like all the other days when I have a, I would say it's no different. Like it's special, but no, this is it. This guy's absolutely fucking hilarious. He's been killing it as a comedian. I did a roast with him a long time ago for David Ortiz. He played a Yankee fan. He was amazing and since then he's been killing it. He's doing this Dr. Phil character. It's been blowing up. He's got a new special. Here we go everybody. The one and only Adam

Ray. Adam Ray everybody. What's going on? Good to see you Billy. How are you? I'm doing great man. Alright. First let's get it out of the way. You got a new special. What's going on Billy? How are you? I'm doing great, man All right. First, let's get it out of the way. You got a new special. What's the name? Where's it at? It's called Adam Ray. Dr. Phil Adam Ray is dr. Phil unleashed. It's on Netflix It features myself and real dr. Phil who would have thunk that when I called you And I tell the story all the time when I was like, alright I think I want to do I said Bill Burr a voice note and I was like,

I think I want to do this like weird late night show where I'm dressing up as Dr. Phil. I don't know what it looks like. I do a monologue, I do some sketches. You come out, we chat, we bullshit. You couldn't have been quicker to be like, dude, fucking yes, make fun of my anger issues. Let's fucking do it.

Which gave me so much juice to actually follow through because I think you know I don't know if you can attest to this but anytime you are throwing a big dart for just a new project You know you're meeting yourself with some You know at least for me. I was considering like oh fuck I'm gonna do it at the store where I feel comfy But now I'm gonna step out of my comfort zone because comics my judge or the staff is gonna be like what is he doing? It's not stand up.

And you being so pumped, washed all that away. So God bless you for that. Plus there's so much shit now that isn't stand up. It was like the roast battle. The fucking make fun of the open micers, Kill Tony. Kill Tony show started there. At the end of the day, it sounded fun and I was like, I want to fucking do it. And we sold it out in 20 minutes because of you.

And it was so fun. Dude, look at all those shows blew up. Roast Battle blew up. Yeah. Kill Tony blew up. Yeah. And now you. Yeah.

And so who would have thought though, literally a little over a year later from that episode when we were just fucking around that then Real Phil comes on. So it's on Netflix, check it out. Dr. Phil Unleashed is what we called it, yeah. Well you know what's funny is when I first started watching stand up in like the late 70s, there was so much shit like what's happening now. Oh really?

Like you could go on stage and basically do whatever. You gotta remember, like Uncle Miltie, Milton Burroughs spent 90% of his professional life in a dress. He was in drag. Right. And you know, nobody said anything. Yeah, the whole country loved him, whatever. And then somewhere in the 80s, doing a character became hacky. And then by the 90s, it got to the point, like purists were like, you know, if you even had to move, you know, they would just be like, you know, so and so, dude, he just stands there and does his jokes and he's killing.

That is stand-up comedy. You're like, what's his face in No Country for Old Men where he didn't blink when he was playing the serial killer? It's like, if you just stand there and don't move a muscle, why did the chicken cross the road? It got all the way to there, and then... Up until when? When did it shift again?

Alternative comedy. Alternative comedy scene, which a lot of people sort of had a negative view towards the end, including myself, where I was just like... Because they were carrying themselves like they were all these brilliant people, and that they were better than Club Comics, but Club Comics started that scene. That's what they didn't know. So by the time, I would say like the early 90s, stand-up had become so like, I don't

know, it was just sort of like, this is what comedy is and fuck all other comedy. And these great comics that wanted to do other stuff felt too contained. So they just started a room where you could just kind of do a bunch of other shit. And that's what started the alt scene. It was just like any other scene where it started,

it was exciting, it was great, and then it plateaued, and then it became Walmart, and then it just tanked. So I feel like, you know, certain, like right now, there's certain stand-up scenes that have now become Walmart, even though they think they're fucking cutting edge and dangerous as we all fucking do. It's like, no, you guys are kind of mainstream or whatever. And then it just sort of like people just, it's like music.

They just get like, you know, grunge is here. Oh, this is gonna be here forever. Nope, gone. No, here comes pop. Hair metal, gone. Yeah, so it kind of works like that. Well, that's what's great about the Comedy Store too, is that it does, I like that I started the show there

because it does feel comfy and familiar and does feel like I'm not doing it, like putting it on like a largo, a place I don't go to a lot, of the show there because it does feel comfy and familiar and does feel like I'm not doing it like putting on like a Largo a place I don't go to a lot or just a place that might feel more appropriate for like a different show. I like that it's it took off there and is adding you know just adding another layer to the store. I want to add a layer to Dr. Phil because I always felt he looked like a corrupt cop

and always thought that he would have that, you know, back in the day. Great movie. Those cop movies. Oh yeah. He would always have like, you'd have like a taped up pistol for a murder or just like a plant, like drugs or whatever. Yeah.

And that's what I would say about him, that he looked like he, you know, planted a knife on a Puerto Rican that he shouldn't have shot. And they let him walk the code, the blue code of silence and then he became a therapist. Oh, he shouldn't have shot. And they let him walk the blue coat of silence and then he became a therapist. Oh, he's a decoy. Yeah. Yeah. There is a great, like, somebody pitches to me,

like, did you see the Weird Al movie that Roku did? Oh, his fan-tales, amazing. So that with, like, Dr. Phil. So showing, like, young Phil being in a class, in a suit, peer mediating between kids, right? Oh yeah. With a young kid, getting to see a five-year-old being like, what you guys gotta do

is start sharing your vegetables at the lunch, whatever it is, and then seeing him. I mean, dude, that scene with Tom Lennon. Just go the other way with it. Have him be this fucking guy robbing liquor stores and then realizing that this is not the way I need to learn how to get along with people because then he's sort of Dr. Phil the whole fucking time. Yeah. We're creating it right now. I think so. Okay. In real time. Let's pitch it. I would have him.

You got a production company? There has to be a moment in his life in his origin story where he first notices he's starting to lose his hair and he's devastated. As a bald man, what's that like? This might be, you can't believe it. You're just going like, oh my God, I'm one of those guys. Wow. And then one day you embrace it. And you shave your head, and then you get to play in all the movies what you really are,

which is, I'm a fucking asshole. And up until then, when I had the hair, I couldn't get arrested as an asshole. But I could be, oh, shit, oh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, and this is not who I was. You did that well. You did that well. No, but they had, yeah, I was... They had enough of those guys.

I was in the redhead drawer. See, all of the, there's all of these races, sexuality, and all that shit where they talk about Hollywood, like, they stop with their shit going like, you know, is a gay man, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They go like that. But they don't understand that even like white people, they, like their shit going like, you know, as a gay man, but blah, blah, blah, blah. They go like that. But they don't understand that even like white people, they're like, dude, you, you back

in the 90s, you would like, with those glasses, if that was your fucking headshot, you're the smart guy. You could be a scientist. You could be a- CIA guy. I'm behind the computer. I see you, white lab coat. White lab coat.

I'm in the redhead drawer, which is I'm the guy getting bullied, I'm the one going, okay, Fonz, like that was that. And then if you had like the jet black hair with the square jaw, you got the girl and you got the gun. That was just, that was how it fucking worked. There was no straying from that.

That's how it worked. That's how it worked. But then people started writing their own shit. Like, what's the guy's name there, from The Fast and the Furious, how he got discovered. Vin Diesel. Yeah, he got discovered. He wrote a short, and I guess Spielberg saw him, and then put him in Saving Private Ryan. Spielberg discovered Vin Diesel? Can we get a Google on this? Okay, yeah, he saw him in

a short. I think there's a Okay, yeah, he saw him in a short. I think this I remember, and then he put him in... It's so funny because, like, he put him in Saving Private Ryan, and there was nobody like him in, like, the way he looked, the way he sounded and everything, and he was so fucking great in that movie. We're not talking about Barry Pepper.

Barry Pepper was in The Sniper, yeah, we're gonna go through the whole thing. Matt Damon, they found him. Tom Hanks. So good. Tom Hanks, how much in the Cone Brother movie he did Lady Killers? I started watching. So good.

Yes! It's an underrated Hanks movie, dude. 100%. He's just done too much shit that it just, they can't all be, I don't know, critically acclaimed. But like, I- No, and I also feel like he really went for it. Yes!

That weird laugh that he does. Yes! Yeah, I was kind of like... No, because people told me, like, you know, it's a Coen brother movie, they're all great, this one isn't their best one. So I was like, all right, so I had like no expectations. And I was just sitting there, I'm like an hour in, still waiting for it to be not that good. I'm like, I'm fucking enjoying the shit out of this.

Yeah, why wouldn't you? Yeah. Also, Hank's like, it's one of the few times he did, you know, I think he played Walt Disney in the Banks movie and then Gump, but like, that's his, that's to me his like, where he, you know, tried a character and really like jumped into something different, you know? Catch me if you can, he tried something too.

He tried to do a little bit of the Boston accent. I'm forgiving of that. How do you feel when people try to put on the Boston accent? I don't have a problem with it. Because what it is is like, the thing about it is if you're not from somewhere, you have to do it 100%. You have to do it better than the people that do it

for people to actually give it up. Because I remember going to Fargo, North Dakota, they were like, you know, we don't talk like that. They didn't say it like that, but it's kind of like, all right, but don't you kinda? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aren't you kinda like fucking, it's just, look, it wasn't that flattering.

What's the Seattle accent when you were up there for your special and you spent, that was probably the most time you spent there, right? There's not a Seattle accent. But I wanna see if you picked up from your observations. Cause people always say to me, they're like, you don't have an accent, or they go. Seattle is like a legit city where it's like,

you have the hipster transitioning area, Capitol Hill. Then you have down near the wharf, you have your tourist, that's your sort of time square. So around there you have your junkies where it's shady, you get scared. And then I haven't found it. Oh yeah, and then you have like your Malibu where Bill Gates and Mercer Island, Bellevue, yeah. The Zillow guy lives, right?

Yeah, yeah. And then you, yeah. Russell Wilson had a house over there. Yeah, and then you got some cool college sports. I love Seattle. You do. I love Seattle and I don't ever lump Seattle in with Portland, Oregon. Thank you. Fuck, if there's anything you take from this podcast it's that. I get very, Oregon. Thank you. Fuck, if there's anything you take from this podcast, it's that. I get very, and then I have to go, Portland's great, but it's just like, they're so fucking different.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, I don't. Portland is very easy to just think it's a giant silver lake. Like back in the day, silver lake, hipster thing, but like, it isn't that either. It's not all food trucks and people saying these are my pronouns. That's just like, you know, you know what's funny?

But all my East Coast friends, when they talk about LA, especially New Yorkers, it's the funniest shit ever. Like, oh, you're doing yoga with your green juice and all, it's like, yup, yup, that's what we're doing. We're doing this, even though they do that in Hawaii, but that's your idea of anything with a palm tree. They don't know know anything. I always tell them I go dude go to Burbank. You'll see more Trump signs. Oh Yeah, and you're just gun stores there and all right on the other side of that Hollywood sign is People that you would totally fucking vibe with and they don't even you know, I don't know like it's every city's got pockets

That I don't think any place is completely, you know, leveled out the same. I lived in New York for 12 years. I never once did I hear somebody go, oh, I'm walking here. Well, you gotta get out more, they're everywhere. No, they're not. You never had somebody give a fuck you,

crossing a shoulder bump and a... I know, but it wasn't the stereotype. What I saw was, you know, it's... I don't know, we have such a sports back and forth with them that it's hard for me to be objective. But I kind of like, when I look at Boston, New York, and Philly, it's the same kind of meathead but different.

It's definitely, but it's like, it's almost like when they try to come up, who came up with pizza? Or who came up with this gumbo or whatever? And it's like, some people claim it came from here. Other people claim it, and it's basically people from all those areas moved far enough apart and just kept messing with it. So, but it's, that is, I feel, Philly up to Boston is, you know, you have the bread basket?

Yes. Okay. This is the Meathead corridor. Yeah. And I'm one of them. Like, it is some of the dumbest, funniest, and most knowledgeable in sports. Meatheads have contributed a lot to this country. Oh, do reality shows?

I mean, you're welcome. Boston people kill it on reality shows. New York people kill it. Most athletes are meatheads, right? I think the Philly meathead is a little underrated because I feel like they reduce them to just the idiots that go to their sporting events. And I feel like they're like a parody themselves at this point.

1000%. It's just like, oh I'm from Philly, there's a camera on. I gotta say some wild shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's actually when you go there, like there's like a toughness to that city, you know, it's not that jackass vibe that they put out there.

Like I just puked on a midget, go Eagles, you know, whatever they do, you know. My first taste of New York before I even went there was from a Geraldo bit, I just puked on a midget. Go Eagles. You know, whatever they do, you know? My first taste of New York before I even went there was from a Geraldo bit where he was, I think it was from his first album where he goes, I was on the subway in New York and I heard a guy scream across the tracks, Yo, Monica, yo, Monica, you got AIDS, yo.

And he goes, wow, that's how they tell you? You remember that? It was like, he's like, well, our healthcare system is so fucked. I guess they're, but like, I heard that and I hadn I hadn't I think I maybe been in New York for like a day But I hadn't taken the subway hadn't done anything like that so that I was going into it being like like you said I can't wait to see the Aggressiveness on the sidewalks or the forget about it. I have seen people get hit by cabs on delivery bikes And that's wild. Oh no, the bikes are brutal. I mean, that is like, this is pre-e-bike and Uber,

and just, I was in a cab once, and we hit it. Nobody got hit by a guy on a bike the entire time before those e-bikes. I know. And now, they're going faster than bikes should go. It's going motorcycle fast. Yeah, yeah, that's a speed you, that's like from Spaceballs, ludicrous speed.

They just turn it up a notch and it's too fast You're you're a you're a you're a bike car at that point so you kind of you know what you signed up for but we were in this cab and we hit a delivery guy and And the delivery guy just immediately like the guy at least wasn't an asshole or a cab driver and pulled over and the delivery guy Just started pounding took the food that he had, started throwing it at the car. I stayed in and was like, do you need any help? But he got out and they just started screaming, thought they were going to throw down. I just would have been like, do you think I did that on purpose?

Yeah totally. You're on a bicycle. You know what's funny? The amount of people that wouldn't ride a motorcycle but would ride a scooter in a second. Hilarious. Yeah. Like anytime you tell somebody you ride a motorcycle but would ride a scooter in a second. Hilarious. Yeah, like anytime you tell somebody you ride a motorcycle, they're like, oh, that's fucking dangerous, dude. Oh, a scooter is way more dangerous.

Do you know how many? It's an underpowered motorcycle. You cannot get out of the way. I would love to see the stat on how many more people have died on a bird scooter than a motorcycle. I've heard about so many more. I don't know what it is. There's something about it where I do feel on some level

you are more protective by the universe when you're just on one of those, whew, just going down the street. But there's something about making that noise on a motorcycle that you sort of wake up the demons and they come at you. I have no idea, but I see people riding bicycles and back to traffic, and I just sit there going,

some of the shit they do is like, I wouldn't do that on a motorcycle. I would be fucking terrified. Would you ever be caught dead on a bird scooter? When your kids get to the age where they're like, Dad, I mean there's gonna be a whole new layer of things you get to do, right? I'm sure you look at it like that.

I get to do a bird scooter with my kids. Or is it gonna be like, fuck man. I would do bird scooter in like, on along the beach, like when we did old dads, Oh yeah, did you have a bird scooter scene? me and Bobby Cannavale got to ride those things, but there was no cars on the street, so it was a great time. But if I ever had to ride one of those,

I just imagine having to be near the curb because there's somebody coming by and then there's some fucking pothole a couple inches deep. Yeah, that's a wrap. Yeah, I'm going over these handlebars. Am I going underneath whatever vehicle this is? Yeah. And this is what your special is about, as Dr. Phil, is you're going to be talking about. Yeah. Well, birds, first of all, everybody thinks

birds are fake, okay? There's that conspiracy that birds are robots, tracking our poops and watching who we vote for, what we eat, but bird scooters are yeah more dangerous motorcycle, but Bill I've always said if you don't step out of your comfort zone you're never gonna allow yourself to get back into reality. And what I mean by that is look you can shave your pubes on Christmas but the kids are still gonna be waiting for presents. Do you understand what I'm saying? No we don't know what you're saying Phil. Every Phil metaphor it's basically insert there's like a there's a tone there's a

tonal like this sounds like actually sound advice and you're not totally wrong. I think that's where I end up in my head when I... He lets the Hollywood stereotype of the wise old southern man with the sayings. I didn't come 90% of the way to get 10% of the information. That's a real one. That's a real one I heard. And in my head that was like, that adds up to 100%. So the math is like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, once you come 100% of the way, show me you're fucking committed and I'll tell you the whole thing. Oh yeah, dude. Oh my God. Did you watch him prior to, like, when you first did the first show? I couldn't watch the show because he was so... He knew where his bread was buttered. I mean, if you know where your bread's buttered, there's no reason to pick up the knife.

What? No, it was just like any guy that was on the show, it was just like, you need to listen to her more than all the women would like fucking clap. It's the exact reason why I've never gone to couples therapy. It's like that's a no-win situation. Either I'm gonna have two people yelling at me, or worse, they're gonna take my side,

and then I'm gonna have to listen to you bitching about the fucking therapists that they're on my side. Look, you can put your Pop-Tart in the freezer and reject the idea of a toaster, but then you might as well kill your wife in her sleep because that's what a serial killer would do. We'll be right back. There's just a commercial cutaway. The power of a commercial cutaway is what sucked me into that show in the beginning.

It was COVID when my wife and I were just sitting around. I don't know what your COVID shows were or what you're like, you know, once you realized- Oh, it was wheat and ice cream sandwiches. I gained like fucking 25 pounds. You did Edibles though, you weren't smoking, right? No, I was smoking. I think I did-

I'm a three puff guy. Yeah, we- I can't, I don't- I took a few hits with you at the mothership green room and that was a blast. You know what was a blast about that is that Rogan was, you know, even when he's, you know, baked, cause you were like, I don't smoke a lot or whatever. And that was a blast. You know what was a blast about that is that Rogan was, even when he's baked, cause you were like, I don't smoke a lot or whatever.

So we're hanging out and you got real giggly high. I just remember that. And I was like, oh, this is a great version of Bill Burr. Oh yeah, you should have seen me when I was drinking. I was a happy drunk. Were you? I was. I was not, I was not surly.

Well, cause it shut the demons off. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when I'm, when I'm sitting here, like, you know, like I'm miserable right now. I'm kidding. Well, you know, look in the mirror because I wake up some days and I go, all right, well, I was fucked up last night. Maybe I'm going to sit down to pee today because it's more comfortable. Also I got a bidet and the feeling it, it's gay to not do a bidet. And that's not their slogan, but it's a suggestion to men out there who think just because a little water

goes in your asshole that you're imagining it's a cock. Hold that thought, Bill, we'll be right back. That's my favorite part of the show. You say that crazy shit and you shut me down, you know? Wait, wait me down. A lot of people don't like this mustache but there's about $800 worth of coke left in there. We'll be right back. They're choosing not to see what they don't understand. Coke on a mustache is kind of like, you know when you're on an airplane and you forget your laptop and the little sleeve and you ask the guy at the desk, can I back and get it and he goes we're gonna have to

wait there's a fat guy who is still exiting the plane and he's in a wheelchair and you go you know what keep the laptop but let the fat guy know that he needs to lose some weight so that way it's a double whammy. Can I tell you something that fucking shit where you get you start to get off the plane and you're like oh fuck my jack whatever the fuck you left it you can't you can't you just saw me get off the fucking plane. I don't do that. You just fucking saw me. That just happened to me. What is going on down there? Oh we got it we got it this is a whole fucking procedure. Yeah well they think it's it's the idea of like somebody rushing back on that's almost like. I'm filing from college I'm filing from fucking Denver to Kansas City. Here's my ticket that you just.

There's no terrorists here. This is a bunch of sunburned white people getting ready to go white water rafting. Can I just go back on and get my fucking iPad? You know what I hate? TSA is getting real handsy. They went through, I brought a, and I don't know how you feel about this, a burrito on the plane. I didn't want to roll the dice.

You already don't like that. You don't like that. It didn't smell. There's a bag. Did you have peppers on it or no? No. Just a't want to roll the dice. You already don't like that. You don't like that. It didn't smell. It was a bag. Did you have peppers on it or no? No. Just a regular chicken rice bean burrito. Nothing. Are you flying coach or first? First. Nobody in first is judging. Okay. No. Well, it's a little sloppy.

To bring a burrito to first. A burrito? It was raised by a single mom. You want to bring that up? You were raised by a single mom? A dad would have told me not to do that. When was the last time you saw your dad? Hold that thought, we'll be right back. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so

I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make them touch the Liberty Bell. It's going to be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb. It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy. And I think, you know, while I'm gone, having people stay there, good way to make a little

extra money, put towards some gifts for people. It just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle. So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey, look who it is everybody. It's Helix.

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and I absolutely love it. Thank you to our sponsor, Harley Davidson. I have the 2024 Road Glide and I absolutely love it. Thank you to our sponsor, Harley Davidson. I unfortunately have been in a writer's room for the last four weeks and the second I am done this Friday, I am getting on that goddamn bike and I'm gonna ride it because there's no way to describe the feeling. And if you are an American, at some point in your life, you gotta get on a Harley and you gotta ride ride it and I don't know up in the

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website which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license. That's harleydavidson.com slash burr. You know, if there's anybody out there that teaches an intermediate class because I don't want to be sitting there while people are learning how to just get the fucking thing going, you know. Waste my goddamn time. All right. About a week ago, he just had a stroke, but he's doing better. He actually called me crying because he got up and walked 230 feet without his walker. Big deal. And I go, yeah, big deal. Well, so you got a good relationship with him.

Yeah, I mean we can get into this off air. Yeah, great now, yeah. Oh, alright, then you know what? No, no, no, you know what? Yes. Long and short of it, split when I was nine. Mom crushed it. She's my hero. She's the goat. But, uh... I'm sorry I did that. I hate when people do that to me.

Why? I love that you took an interest in that. We can get into this off air. No, I heard you say. You don't have to talk about this. You don't have to talk about this. We'll be right back. You don't have to. I hate when people like but you asked genuinely so I love I appreciate that and yes I do to long and short of it Long short of it was a fucking rude question. Why well, you know the other day I was when should be able to ask that type of shit and you like look where we're on a podcast So no dude. I was watching

I was waiting for the football to come on and I saw Meet the Press. I'm like, this fucking show is still on, like nothing. It used to be so boring to me, but I love David Brinkley, but it gave me like a stomach ache. I so didn't know what anybody was talking about. So there was this woman on there and she was talking about her son who's a journalist who went missing. It's her son, right?

So the lady's like interviewing her and I don't know how she's holding it together, because I would have been a med. This woman was so strong. Austin something or other was the guy's name that they're looking for, and I hope they find him, right? So she's sitting there interviewing her, and at one point she goes to her.

You know, at one point, you know, there was some guy that was found, and for a second they thought it was Austin, but it wasn't. What was that like? What the fuck? And it was just like, I just felt like those fucking journalists, it's like they don't give a shit and it's just like, alright, you haven't cried yet. Crying is the money shot. So it's just like, alright, that didn't happen. I saw one one time.

It's all hypothetical, the worst possible scenario even if they Austin comes back They're gonna be like what do they do to you? And he's gonna be like I mean I'm back now I just the bit you know the open it with like what was the first thing he did he goes I went to Denny's man. I I forgot what a grand slam tasted like what was that first bite like that that that's unbelievable Unbelievable you described it did it was it was it? Well, it was scrambled. I wanted, I asked for Ovee's, that's besides the point,

but you know, I think she was new, but so I took a bite and I just, I put my hash brown and toast between, I made like a little egg sandwich. I know you're not supposed to do that with the Grand Slam, it's kind of laid out for you. Do you find you appreciate simple things like that? Even if they didn't butter the toast

like they said they were going to? What? Just the freedom of that? Yeah, I don't know, I mean, I just, didn't butter the toast like they said they were going to. What? Just the freedom of that. Yeah, I don't know, I mean, I just, I hadn't had toast in a while. Here's a question I've actually heard, like when the reporter finally got frustrated, the person, the dude literally said,

does it make you cry? No. No. Just give, yeah, they just want the emotion. God. Does it make, he was out of ways to try and make, like I forget what happened, I think this woman had lost her kid it make, does it make, he was out of ways to try and make, like I forget what happened. I think this woman had lost her kid or something, some fucking horrible thing had happened.

And do you think about it sometimes? And she was like, yes. All the time. Does it blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Does it da da da da da? And she was just answering the fucking questions and then he followed her with, does it make you cry? Wow.

Do you think they have somebody in their ears being like, get the tears, get the tears? Yes, on all of those fucking channels they don't care. CNN and Fox News do not give a fuck about anything but viewership. They couldn't, they couldn't, they don't, they don't, they just, they're not talking about what's happening. Could you cry on cue? Are you that good of an actor now? For what? I know what I have to do. Cool. Did you ever think you'd get there? But I wouldn't say I can do it because if I said I could do it, then I would be thinking about doing it and then it doesn't happen. You know what, I used to, that makes sense.

I used to have, when I got to, you know, I went to SC out here for acting school and a kid in my class was like, you know, just a cool, the first kid I saw that really smoked cigarettes in college that was real cool about it. And he would smoke and he'd always say shit. The kid had done a few TV movies and he lived in LA, so he was kind of the guy that was like, from Seattle, huh? They got a good theater program up there.

This is where the business is though. In college, freshman year, I'm not gonna say his name, but you know who you are. And he would always say like, I just remember, it's been sophomore year, he's like, you're not a cry on cue yet? And I was like, huh? I was like, I mean, I don't know,

we're doing this Noel Coward play. I wanna get through that, figure out what high comedy is, maybe take that fencing class. I have a scene study class with Jason Alexander coming up. And then we'll see. And then he was just like, you gotta learn how to cry, baby.

You gotta get deep. And then he was like, find a song. And he told you got a good deep and then he was like find a song and he told me that can you feel the love tonight by Elton John always makes him cry from the Lion King and so by the way while smoking a cigarette with a leather jacket on at the DRC at USC outside about that song would make you cry There's a calm surrender Through the rush our day In the heat of the rolling bay Does it make you cry?

Can't you cry on cue tonight? I mean John's got some some Melancholy Timber there was a song that I listened to when I had to cry at old dads. There was a song that I listened to. So it was just a song that my daughter loved when she was a little girl, so I just listened to that. Holy shit. Right away.

Can you say the song, or will that even get you going? I don't know what the name of the song is. It's one of those fucking... It's one of the KidBobs. Now, that's what I call music 25. Do they have a kid version of that? 25 months. I don't...

I forget what it is. But also, that's something I want to keep for myself. Yeah, I love that. But yeah, so that's what I use there. But that is cool. No, but then there's other ones. There's other ones. Yeah.

I just had, you had the moment before, and you're that guy. And then the thing, a lot of it is the words. If it's written right, yeah, it's just what you're saying will get you there. But the thing is, you don't go in going, I'm going to do this. And then when it starts to happen, you try to stop it from happening

because that's what the fuck you would do. You wouldn't, yeah, like as a man, there's only like when your mom dies is one of the few times you're allowed to just completely break down, right? But like anything else as a guy, you're supposed to be like, you know, if you start like whatever,

guys are gonna be like, hey man, sorry about that. And then they're head, they're like pussy. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you used to have a great bit about that on one of your specials. No, I can't. I don't remember what the fuck I said.

You did, yeah. Is that wild? Do you have so, is it, how often does that happen, by the way? Even a fan or even just like a homie will go, do you remember when you did this bit? And you go, no. And if they tell it to you, by the way,

nobody ever recites a bit back to anybody. I just had this happen with friends up in Seattle for Thanksgiving, they go, dude, I just saw this video where you were this guy and it was like, he said this thing and you were like, oh yeah? Well, fuck you, you fucking, so funny, dude. I go, I did not do that. But I don't even know what you're referring to.

But it was some interaction where he goes, dude, the guy said something and you were like, no, no, no, you were like, oh, is that, do you think that's what it is? You fucking idiot. You're getting good, man. And I was like, that's not what happened. And so how often does that happen when people would try to throw the bit back? And do they ever get it right? Well, and I used to happen like at the end of the shows, like they would be, they would

say, oh my God, I love this bit that you the shows. Like they would be, they would say, oh my God, I love this bit that you just did. And I'll be like, and they would say the bit and be like, no, that was the other guy. They're like, no, no, that was you. So that was with a funny thing during that, that weird period during Me Too, where it went from, we need to get rapists

and people that are sexually assaulting out of the business to, I don't like what you're talking about in your standup act. Like, remember that? Yes, dude. So. But does anyone ever sort of- So when I would sit there going like,

why would you listen to these people from the crowd? It's like, not only, they never remember what you say, they can't say it the right way, and half the time they don't even remember who said it. All right. Yeah. And then also, it's like, every time you do a fucking show, you know, it's like, there's gonna be people

that don't like you. I see, every time I go on stage, I look in the crowd and I see the person that was brought to my show that didn't want to go and is going like, yeah, I didn't want to go to this, I don't like this guy. Wow. Every fucking time. Do you lock in on them and try to use them as a gauge for the night to turn them or no? It fucking makes me laugh.

Yeah. And I have empathy for them. I love that. And at one point, like, you know, if it's a woman, I usually, if I, you know, if I have the time, it feels right. I'll say like, listen, man, I know this wasn't your idea to come here. I'm sorry. That's so funny. You have not enjoyed one second of this. I understand it. And just please don't be mad at him on the way home. This was me or whatever. And then if they're cool, they'll actually fucking laugh And then sometimes I've done that and then they're like, oh no, no, I was enjoying then then they just might be like that internal Yeah sort of person they might want to do comedy. So there's fucking sort of they're watching it on a different level. Yeah, but I

You know obviously, you know this or you know My favorite one is when the person is pretending like they're sleeping. If they're not drunk, it's like, you're not gonna fall asleep with some guys screaming into a microphone. This is clearly, you're like, it's beyond you don't like me. It's like, you need me to know that I don't like you. Yeah. So what I used to do with those people, if they were down near the stage was, I've talked about this, I would send my act right out over their head and I would start overly committing to stuff and just acting like a fucking idiot

and then I would start laughing at my own shit which would annoy them even more and then that was how I was able to turn around because I did have that thing early in my career where if somebody didn't like me, you know, I would be going to bed tonight, ignoring all the laughter I heard and just think of that one person.

It was a big turn for me to be like, all right, I can have fun. I can have fun with this person. I get to decide whether or not you suck the fucking life force out of me because you can let one person ruin it for everybody else that was having a good time. I saw you do that at the Poppy Roast, you were mentioning, where you went on last and

it was like, you know, it was a shit show at that point, but you, I remember like you, the first few jokes were I think about the crowd and maybe even like Boston and I was just like, oh, he's digging himself a hole actively. And then you got a fucking standing o at the end, and it was... I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, but that wasn't my intention. It's never my intention to do that. But you saw this room of like, whoa, he's coming at us,

and then, but half of the people loved it, and then they just, they met in the middle like two minutes in as far as like, all right, this is what he's saying about us is right and funny. And we were just, you know, but they- I don't even remember, I just remember- You were shitting on the event and something else.

I remember going after Lenny, who was fun, Lenny Clark. And then David Ortiz was a great sport. Oh, he was a great sport. He was also on, I think- David, what's it like to play, because he was a D.H.? I go, it's like, to be a professional baseball player, well, man, it's great. It's like waiting for a bus. Then I go, once an hour, you get up and you ground

into an inning-ending double play, something like that. Oh yeah, dude. That was great. That was funny. What's-his-face was fucking, Dustin Pedroia was hilarious. Unbelievable. He came up there. Ripped.

You saw how he made it. He came up and he's like, fuck all you comedians. He goes, at least I wrote my own shit. And I was like, oh, fuck, Dustin's going off. Oh, yeah. And then, oh, I remember the problem was it was not done, the security was not done well. So there was people in the front row filming. And I remember when Gronk went up, I was just like, they're gonna clip that,

and that's gonna look terrible. And they did. And the next day, they clipped that, and it looked terrible. TMZ. Gronk goes after Jews, blacks, and Dominicans. And I was like, everybody did. That's who was representing that dais. It was supposed to be on like Showtime in Nesson.

Pedroia came up to me after too, and was like, cause he was sitting next to Josh Wolf, you know, dressed as the 80 year old Yankee fan. And I was, I had about six in a row to Dustin. I think one was like, you know, Dustin Pidroy obviously plays second base, but we all know his most natural position is dancing next to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

And then Dustin looks like a guy whose kid calls him by his first name. All right, boys, time for bed. Fuck you, Dustin. And he was, I said to Josh Wolf, he goes, who is this old fuck? Like, why is this guy going in on me so hard and Josh goes that guy's 33 And he was like wait what and so then he came up to me after and I didn't know he had that conversation He came up to me and goes he was hey man. He was hey old man

He goes not a fan and like with a straight like actor face and I go. Oh, dude. I'm so sorry I'm a comedian. He goes. I know I'm fucking with you. I was like, oh, yeah No, he can kind of turn it. Oh, yeah, cuz I was saying when I'm a comedian. He goes, I know I'm fucking with you. And I was like, oh shit. Yeah, no, he can kind of turn it on. Oh yeah. Because I was saying when he turned on, he's gonna write my own fucking shit. I was like, I think he's really mad. I don't think, I think he's heard enough of the short jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um. That was fun. Who else was on that thing? Oh, Anthony Mackie. Anthony Mackie. The Falcon. Yeah, Anthony Mackie. Oh yeah.

Sarah Tien. Oh, that Tien. Oh, that's right. Dude, that was a fucking fun, you know what's so great about that? Tim Wakefield that night, I mean there were a bunch of Red Sox. Yeah, rest in peace, man. Yeah, rest in peace. You know what's great is that it wasn't televised, and that's one of those things.

I know. That there's so, like, it just happened so rare now. Every fucking thing is, it's like can just one cool thing happen and you had to be there? I know. That was the thing. That was the whole reason for fucking hanging out. It was just like, yeah, cause you didn't want to miss anything.

That's why, you know, that's like the old Richard Pryor bit. Be home by 11. It's just like everything happened after 11. And he goes, I would keep fucking hanging out cause I didn't want to miss anything. Wow. Yeah. And it was just like, you know, David Tell had a bit, you should have hung out, man.

You know, but it was so, it was so true. Yeah. There was that weird thing, but hanging was an art because if you went home too early, you missed it. But if you stayed too long, it was sad. Yeah, there's a sweet spot. And I think we're constantly finessing that as people. You know, I'm constantly finding myself overstaying my welcome.

You see me trip in the sand last week? It's Joe Biden. Oh, God. That fucking guy. Am I overstaying my welcome? Should I have gone? Should I have closed up shop? Wow. That is amazing closed up shop? Wow. That is amazing.

Pretty good. Yeah, you know what would be fucking amazing? What if he runs in four years and then he wins again? What do you mean what if? 2048, Bill. I got a big election coming up. 2026, I'm gonna run. Gonna be me and Gavin Newsom and Kevin Costner.

Big fan of Yellowstone. It's fucking, dude, it is fucking Looney Tunes. I'm just like, I think I've been under the covers since about 2018, I'm just like, all right, I can't, it's embarrassing. It's just been fucking embarrassing. Let me ask you this to piggyback on what we were just talking about. Do you have FOMO?

Like, do you, like... When we were all kicking it after your special for a bit in the green room, I was like, oh, cool, this is like... You just got done doing it, and I'm like... I think you're still obviously, you know, the comic in you is just wanting to decompress and kick it, right? And, like, not just get up and go home. But I was like, oh, this'll be where it ends.

But at least you wanted to like shoot the shit for a bit, which I thought was cool. But do you have like, if the crew was all, and I guess then you did pickups and stuff, but if everybody was there and, or I don't know, let's say Eddie Vedder came to the fucking show and then was like, we're going here. And you're like, my family's here, I can't go.

Would you be, he was like, I'm gonna do a private show at the show box down the street. And you were like, we're going here, and you're like, my family's here, I can't go. Would you be, he was like, I'm gonna do a private show at the show box down the street. And you were like, oh fuck, you know, if I told, we're getting up early. No, I would be like, Eddie man, dude, you gotta understand. You killed all of my bands. Well, I didn't do it on purpose. We were the next thing coming up.

That's one of the reasons why I did it then. Not only did I love Seattle, but everybody talks about Nirvana, but I gotta say, when Eddie Vedder climbed up that fucking thing on the side, and then dropped down in, that's when I was going like, oh, this shit isn't going away,

and then next thing I know, Motley Crue was just not on that channel anymore. So that was like my first, like I would say, midlife crisis, where I was like, fuck fuck I'm not young anymore because they came out I was 23. Oh wow. 23 is like the first year I think like life starts to get 22 you graduate college if you're

supposed to right? And then 23 is like oh this is just going to keep happening. So when I got to be 23. What is? Life. Like this is going to keep going and I'm gonna get old. Oh, wow. Where it's like, 22 is maybe the last birthday that as a young person you can look forward

to sort of like... You're invincible still. Oh, I'll be a college guy. It's like, all right, oh my God, turn 13, I'll be a teenager. You know what I mean? I could start jayting chicks. This is gonna be fun, right? I'll get a car.

16, I get a license. Eighteen, I'm a fucking adult. You know, I go to college at 21, I get to drink. Twenty-two, I graduate. And then it's just 23 is like, oh, wait a minute. This is going to keep going. And 23, I felt, was the first year adults were no longer interested in my peer group. It's like you guys are old now.

Like they were looking, what are 14 year olds listening to? What are they buying and all of that stuff? We wanna get them because their parents are gonna have to buy them this shit for Christmas and you're 23 and now you gotta jump into the river of employment. You don't have any fucking money to buy any shit, right? And so then anyway, them coming out in him,

whatever that song, was that Even Flow? Yes. Yeah. Even Flow, right? That fucking shit, right? You sing that at my son's bar mitzvah? Huh? 100%. If I can write my own lyrics. Have you seen that wrestler? His name's Steven Flow. And he comes in, they just go, Steven Flow. No. I just saw this thing. Steve, Steven, Steven Have you seen that wrestler? His name's Stephen Flo. And he comes in, they just go, Stephen Flo! No! I just saw this thing. Oh my God. Steve, Stephen, Stephen Flo.

Something like that. See, that's a part of wrestling that is really, that's awesome. One of the best wrestling things I ever went to was, I went to one of those Lucha Vavum shows. What's that? It's like the Mexican style wrestling with the masks and all of that shit.

Oh yeah. With all of this like, I don this like, I don't know what was going on. I just remember Dana Gould was one of the people announcing and he was fucking hilarious. And I went there with my wife and this guy came walking out like good looking guy, great body, you know, just looking like a wrestler shredded. And he came walking out like he was God's gift to women and he came out to the Pina Colada song.

And dude, he was peacocking around. If you like Pina Coladas. It worked, huh? It was fucking hilarious. And then he came in and he stood on the bottom rope and he was just fucking letting us all get a look at him. Yeah. Like he was God's gift with that fucking song.

It was like a comedy education thing. This guy has not said a fucking word. They're playing this song, he's dressed that way, and his vibe is like, this is killing harder than any joke I've ever written. It was fucking amazing. Me and my wife were fucking. You were loving it. Dude, he came walking out and he was immediately arrogant. It just goes done

And then you go wait even what fucking song that song does have an unexpected confidence to it though, too It does just feel like it's an entrance song. So it does How about the fact that they were both gonna cheat on each other? Yeah, I was just talking to somebody who just let me know he goes dude I actually played drums on that. There was double drums on it. In the song? Yeah, like your studio musician.

He goes, I played drums on that. He goes, a lot of people don't know that. So I'm not gonna say this, because I don't know, I never know how that works, if that's a good credit. Is it Dean Del Rey? No, but he has a great gig now, so he's good. He's always had great gigs.

But you listen to those lyrics, we were laughing going like, they're both, like, they were both like putting out an ad, like they're trying to meet people on the side, and then the ad that they answered was theirs, and then they realized that they should be together, but then like the trust is just gone, and we were laughing at, it's the 70s,

it was a different time, it was a different time, you get away with that shit. There's so many of those, first of all that I would love to see at any wrestling match instead of AC DC Yeah, if somebody's coming out instead of like, you know back in black to just you know It's been one week and you look at me a little bare-naked ladies you go All right, these guys gonna have a good time I just went to smackdown in Utah was that wise guys and they were doing smackdown at the Delta Center and Got some ticks and they put us right behind the thing and

put us on the thing and promoted the Dr. Phil Netflix special. And they were like, do, they're like, you're gonna put you on something. And I asked the guy, I go, do we do anything like, you know, anything, you know, he's like, have you seen Madagascar? I go, yeah, he goes, just wave and smile. And I don't remember that from it, but I guess that's a part of it. And then, so my buddy's next to me and they put me on screen. And I like him doing this and then I was just waving smile. And I don't remember that from it, but I guess that's a part of it. And then, so my buddy's next to me and they put me on screen and I like him doing this.

And then I was like, give me like an elbow behind me. So he elbowed me in the back and then I went down and then I started like fake strangling him. But the kids at these things are- People must have loved that. They loved it, yeah, people went nuts. And my buddy who got us tickets was like, thank you for not fucking, you know,

just like, thanks for bringing the entertainment. Every time they put celebs on, you know, they're always just fucking, you know, doing this. It's like, but you actually fucking made a meal of it. That was great. But the kids were like- You know, I think it's funny is when they show, when actors are like ringsided a fight.

Oh yeah. They always gotta be like. They gotta like. Yeah, it's like, what can I do? It's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You're not out there. Yeah, if you're at a football game, they put it on you, do you go?

Yeah. They will never, I think no one will ever be comfy. You ever see kids when they cut to them on a dance cam at a baseball game? Fucking, they don't know what to do. It's one of my favorite things to see, cause it's, I remember being that kid, where they cut you, you don't know how to dance as a kid.

You don't even have enough wherewithal to just go, just do a fucking safe robot, or do a fucking puppet, whatever, or just like, do this. Well, hold up a sign saying they poisoned our food supply. If you don't want to be on camera. Oh my God, just. Like, I want somebody to do that. Like in those stupid things where everybody's holding up the sign of the friend they lost from cancer, right?

Thank you. Monsanto underneath it Why is that that way? Oh, they did it I know they did do it for some reason It's dark and it's funny and it's real and that's why I can't talk about maybe you know back in the day They were talking about it. Yeah, there was an a zillion people dying of cancer. What the fuck do you think that is? We got plastic in our fucking brains and you can't- Oh, this CEO got shaw and whale. What kind of world are we living in? What are you fucking-

Yeah. Like, you don't have empathy for that. It's like, where is the empathy on their side? There isn't any. No. There isn't any. No. But they're going to successfully divide us, because they've now called that kid a woke

capitalist. Yeah. So they're, oh, whoa, this is fucking Hollywood liberal shit. And then you got that. And then CNN is just like, oh my God, he had a wife and a family. We know that. We know that. We're not excited about that.

We're not excited about any of that. But like if you want to, we're going to feel bad for some of you who denied some. I need dialysis denied. Yeah, wild. Wild, yeah. Did you see that lady confessing to this shit? Going like, you know, I wrote denied and a guy died. Oh, yeah.

And one of the questions I had to ask is, do you think he's going to be alive in five years? Oh, my God. Which, and all that that means is, like, can we keep making money off of this guy or is he fucking sliding down the backside? God. And got promoted.

You know, you got the, uh, you got what it takes. I look at your eyes and I see nothing. I don't see empathy. I don't even see a person in there. Have you seen Oppenheimer? Oh that's one of the great comedies of last year. That's my deterrent on the Phil show when somebody goes out. We did that when you were on the show when you went on a long rant about the Catholic Church and Hitler and then I was like have you seen Oppenheimer? How That's my deterrent on the Phil show when somebody goes out. We did that when you were on the show, when you went on a long rant about the Catholic Church and Hitler, and then I was like, have you seen Oppenheimer? How do you feel about- I did see Oppenheimer.

Did you enjoy it? I loved it. I just, the scope- It's the first three-hour movie I've gotten through. Can I just use the word scope? Yeah. The scope of it. Yeah.

No, it's just one of those things where I just look at that. I like to think I'm in show business, and I just look at that going like, how the fuck am I in the same business as whoever the fuck made this? Oh, totally. But I like that part. I've been having old dads come out in the same year. That's wild.

Yeah. Right? I know. That's wild, dude. That is a big spectrum. Yeah. That those are both- Somebody watched those in the same weekend.

Those are both considered movies. No, Old Dads is good for what it is. It's great, dude. You nailed it. Oh, we had a good time on that. Well, you know what? Me and my buddy Ben Tisler just finished writing our next one, and I am really, really, because, you know, obviously that was my first one,

so I learned a ton on that one. You tell me that. Yeah, and I just like... So now this one, you're just like guns, you're ready to go and you're fired up for it. Well, what it is is it's more like it was, the writing was way more efficient because we kind of knew we would be like,

we'd start to write something and be like, dude, that's a whole new location. Do I want to fucking... Oh. That's gonna cost too much. Because you could almost anticipate the studio notes before you even fucking... That's helpful.

Yeah, so then we were able to keep it like, stream like, like, dude, this is how much I've been writing lately. Last night, my daughter was watching Home Alone. Awesome. How old is she? Seven. Great age for that.

Oh yeah, totally great age. Loving it? And Macaulay Culkin, fucking killed it. It's unbelievable. He killed it. And how about Joe Pesci? What I love about the movie, he's gonna curse, he's gonna curse, he didn't, he could just, and then his physical is so underrated.

He is as good as that as he has in Goodfellas. Home Alone and Goodfellas came out within a fucking two-year period. Unbelievable. And Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern is wild. I miss that guy. Me too. And I said I miss that guy, and then I went on Instagram, within two videos, Daniel Stern

comes up. Because it's listening to you. Oh, yeah, dude. I was randomly talking about Celine Dion and how she's dealing with stiff person syndrome And it was like do you want to buy Celine Dion best of Brazil on Facebook like a minute later? And I was like, I mean, yes, you know, I was talking about the other day. How Angelically white was her husband's hair It was fucking- Not Stedman.

Leonard or something? He looked like- Dude, it was like he was fucking totally bald, but you still were going, look at the guy's hair. Yeah. It was a fucking angelic, not of the earth white. Yeah. Like I feel like it went white but then he dyed it like Tiger White. You're not wrong. He looked like an exotic species of way too old to marry that chick.

Yeah. Well he was like her manager. Yeah you're not wrong. We'll be right back. Wait a second. What I was saying, so I'm watching Home Alone. Yeah, you're not wrong. We'll be right back. Wait a second. What I was saying, so I'm watching Home Alone. Yeah, yeah, sorry. And aside from being blown away,

the performances, the comedic stuff and all of that, and how it's basically a live action cartoon, a lot of it, a lot of the gags. And, but in my head I went like, oh, I get this, it's fucking one location. This is cheap to shoot. And then I was just like, did I just fucking think that? Wow.

That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, it all takes place in the house. It's fine. What a added benefit that you now are looking. I mean, it's not taking away the enjoyment. You're not thinking about that the whole time. It definitely added to a bad stereotype about the leniency and the silliness

of white people being parents Like I always loved this whole idea that oh, yeah, you could just curse in front of your parents because you're a white kid It's like oh could I is that is that what I could do? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they you get a timeout No, no, my mother. I don't know We had a paddle my dad had it from the fucking the fraternity days My mother's beat the shit out of, the fraternity days. My mom used to beat the shit out of us with it. With the fraternity paddle? Yeah. Oh, but I remember it had like the three Greek letters on it. By the end, like only like the V,

like one side of it was still left. I used to hide that fucking thing. I got hit by one of those. I was in a fraternity at USC and I got hit by one of those. My freshman year, they hired strippers for the brotherhood night. And it was the first time. So it must've been beyond homoerotic.

That's why I never joined those things. I made some good buds from it, but I was the comedian. So like I am friends with most everybody I went to school with from that. You just went right by that whole fucking thing. No, yeah, I mean I. Yeah, the whole hell week. Oh yeah. I used to just hear stories and then we fucking shoved a carrot up his ass.

It was like, what? I will say this, they tried to make a kid at one time. I would get, I'd get baked and I'd go sit in the back of these meetings that they'd have where they talk about all the kids that rush the house, right? So they'd have all the social chairs up there and the president, everyone's sitting, they talk about, they go, all right, uh, Graham, uh, Graham Davis, what do we think? So let me raise your hand.

Uh, Jeff, um, yeah, I hung out with Graham for about 20 minutes at the bar. Super chill, loves tits, so I think we can all agree that that, we all love tits, and but dude, I talked to him for a, they started talking to a chick that I was talking to, and not cool, and be like, boo boo,

and they go, all right, brothers, brothers, please. And he goes, yeah, so I don't know, I think. Brothers, brothers, please. So another guy would yeah, so I don't know. I think- Brothers, brothers, please. So another guy would stand up and go, I also talked to Graham, dude. He has a big heart. Both his mom and dad just died

in a Breyers ice cream truck accident. And I think he was just going through a rough night. And I think he was talking to your chick because her parents also died in a food-related truck accident. So before you judge Graham, let's hear both sides of the story. So I sat in the back and I go, I, I also talked to Graham and they go, Adam,

and I did this three or four times. I go, now, look, I, I know that we're all like, this is what we're doing. We need to figure out who's who we want and we don't want Graham. Cool. Like you said, it's going through a lot does love tits, which I'm dude, let's, let's fucking go. But he turned around to go to the bathroom and there was a big black cock on the back Of his shoulder now. I don't know if that's what went to happen people starts laughing. I go. I don't know I'm an actor. I'm an acting school this time. I go. I don't know if that's what we want, but I'm just saying they go

Hey, Ray, they call me a rego. They're shut up. Shut up. All right, what else? Um, all right, Matt Thompson Matt somebody stands up dude Matt bigger same thing Matt big heart whatever somebody else combats that dude He fucking I went to the high school we went to and cut in as a kid in Detroit. He was a fucking chode Adam So Matt I also talked him for a bit He actually came up to me and said I saw you I am those meatballs Did you want me to grab you one generous guy loved it loves tits again were pumped on that? but he turned around to go talk to another brother and big black cock, dude, right on

the back, they go, dude, what the fuck? And I go, I'm just saying, is this who we want in our house? I'm just saying, is this, all right, I thought that's what we were doing, is trying to figure out who we want. I did it two more times and they kicked me out. And I stood up and Jerry McGuire, and I stand up and I go- Kicked you out of the frat house? No, of the meeting.

Oh. I stood up and I go, IMcGuire and I stand up and I go- Kicked you out of the frat house? No, of the meeting. I stood up and I go, I did it because I did it one more time. And when I raised my hand, it was three, I mean the timing of this, it was fucking rule of threes, two more guys and then I raised my hand and everyone's laughing now at this point. So I raised my hand, I mean you got a hundred and plus guys, you know, man fucking always trying to perform. I raised my hand and everyone's laughing and the head of the social chair goes, hey Ray,

if you're going fuck around, dude, please don't talk. I go, I have some, I wanna talk about Eli Donovan. Vic, can I say something? Am I not a member of the house? I'm at full acting. He goes, all right. I go, talking to him, sweet guy, loves to,

so I get some laughs. I go, but dude, I turn around and they go, get the fuck out. I go, big black cock, I'm just saying, what are we doing? And then I stand up and I go, they kick me out, I go, all I'm saying is, who's coming with me? I go, I'm gonna go to my room and smoke some weed, who's coming with me?

And do the fucking Jerry Maguire, and about four potheads stand up, and we're all just sitting there. And then, but I never, I would do silly shit, and so there were some guys though, I was to the this one had a lineup and I went into watch just cuz Socially it was wild. I mean I was no I never hazed anybody. I did you know Silly shit. I pretend to be a brother from like Chico State put on a wig You know went up and down had a British accent and like, you know

Would ask them does anyone know you know the fruity pebbles theme song a British accent, and like, you know, would ask them, does anyone know, you know, the Fruity Pebbles theme song and whatever? And right after a guy that was like, apparently this guy was talking to a girl, I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, some of that shit was just true. Guys that were bullied and now they're taking it out or guys that are just bad guys.

And I went through that and they tried to be friends with me after and I was just like, I'm good. Like, you don't get to through that and they try to be friends with me after and I was just like I'm good like you don't get to do that and then just do this. That's what I never understood about that But there's a lot of but a hell week. It's just like totally It's I'm gonna do all that shit that I'm gonna hang out with you It's like I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you totally or try totally or just not hang out with you I never understood but there were enough I went through a time where there were enough

Guys that were not, the hazing wasn't dumb shit. It was like we took a trip to Vegas last minute, they like woke us all up or said, everybody meet here like midnight and we drove in four cars to Vegas and stayed up all night to do a scavenger hunt. And while the other guys that went with us went out and gambled whatever and we had, it was like a bonding thing. You walk up and down the strip, go to this place,

get a match book, get a picture in a fountain, get a picture with a stripper, right? And that was wild and fun and whatever. And some guys in the house that had tons of money broke away and were betting, I mean, ridiculous amounts of money. I mean, I didn't know, I parked my grandparents' Mercury Grand Marquis on the fraternity row at USC,

amongst like Escalades and BMWs. Every weekend people are like, whose grandparents are here to visit? I'm like, oh no, that's just the car I got, cause you know. It was a great car. I loved it dude. It was a big cloud, big ass trunk.

The front seat, you could fit five deep if you want. But what's funny is, Shout out to my grandparents. They're not as big as today's cars. Everybody thinks that those things were big and they were super heavy and everything. They don't understand. You'd open the hood, you could look down

and still see the driveway. There was all kinds of room in the engine bay because they didn't have all of, just think of the level of shit technology that's in a car and how much they fucking weigh and those electric ones with the batteries and stuff. They're heavy as fucking shit. Yeah, it's kind of a, I don't know, because I rented a 65 Cadillac, my gig in LA in May,

when I did the bowl, it was a gold convertible. Just to drive it up there? Oh yeah, dude. And I gotta tell you though, I couldn't believe how fucking small it was. Like everybody's like, oh my God, that is a fucking land yacht. It's like, it isn't. As far as like how wide it is, it's this weird thing where, because now everything like between

you and the passengers, this whole console with all of this fucking shit and stuff up there, they've sort of taken away a lot of the interior space with all of the fucking gadgetry. But back in the day, there was lap belts, a bench seat, front and back. I mean, there was a lot of banging done in those American cars. It was fucking amazing. They were amazing cars.

But like, you know, like, my wife has this SUV that she just got, and this garage, it looks like it can fit a car. She puts it in, it's like, dude, it's like a fat person. It's just this big fucking bubble, and you're like, this fucking thing is huge. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get the fucking door open.

Yeah, it's unnecessary. I gotta go pick up my kids from school. So if we- You can just say you don't wanna talk anymore. That's fine. No, dude, this is a half hour show. We did it an hour and five minutes. That's fine.

We're not gonna be right back. This is gonna be enough. You gotta come back for the hat trick. You are, I mean, I just have to thank you for jumping in that first time because we're now doing a 25 city theater tour we sold out the beacon. We just did the celebrity in My lawyers would be getting in touch with you. I want to co-create it by credit That in all the stuff all the work all the work that you did you're not wrong Check out Adam Ray Comi commcom for all the Dr. Phil Live

theater tour dates. We got Toronto, Boston. We're doing the MSG Music Hall next to Fenway in Boston. Have you ever been there? MSG, Madison Square Garden Musical. It's like, is it? It's next to Fenway. There's some big music hall next to Fenway.

I moved away from there 29 years ago. I don't recognize it anymore. Yeah, I'll take it from here. And so then we got Toronto, we got Atlanta, we got Nashville, Dallas, AdamRayCounty.com, all the Phil tour dates and all my standup there too. Dr. Phil unleashed on Netflix. All right, Adam Ray everybody.

I love you. I love you too. Thanks, dude. No worries. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 19th, 2016. What's going on?

How are you? Oh, Jesus Christ, my fucking computer. Every five seconds. Do you want to download this? Do you want to do this now? Do you want to do it in an hour? Should I remind you later on tonight? Lady, give me some fucking space.

Jesus Christ. He's fucking goddamn, I don't know, man. I'm not into this shit at all. Just the level with which it sits fucking. I guess because of technology, I am able to do this. You know, if it was back in the day, I would not be able to do this. What is this you ask?

Maybe you didn't ask. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I'm putting words in your mouth. But if you did ask, you know, I'm doing a podcast. You know, I guess there's always a price to pay. And I think that that's one to grow on. Maybe that's the lesson. I swear to God, I want to start a fucking church.

I got to do it. You guys been watching that woman from King of Queens? She played the beautiful wife, you know, to the guy who drives the truck. You know, they've always done sitcoms. The honeymooners, hey, I fucking drive a bus. And you know, I'm the wisecracking pretty wife. Well, Ralph, maybe if you weren't a fucking idiot, yeah, you wouldn't drive a bus.

Oh, one of these days, Alice. Pow, right in the baby maker, right? Isn't that what they did? Something like that, little fucking ice box in the corner. You know, and then you get into the baby maker, right? Isn't that what they did? Something like that, little fucking icebox in the corner. You know? And then you get into the 60s, right? 60s was like the Blue Ball era. Of sitcoms. You know what I mean? You had I Dream a Genie.

And the fucking guy, he just wouldn't bang her. I've talked about this shit before. I remember watching it as a kid. It's like, why don't you like rub it up against her or something? You know I don't even know what sex was you know why cuz there was no internet Now if there was internet back when I was watching that show and I was like seven or eight You know I would have been like why doesn't he why did you are fucking reverse doggy style over the fucking? Genie lamp you know I would know all this extra shit over the fucking genie lamp. You know, I would know all this extra shit.

That's what the fuck is wrong with kids nowadays. It's like they just, they get, I don't know, I'm going on an old man rant. They get on these fucking computers, right? Their parents are like me, they don't know how to work them. They're not even interested in them, you know? We're in the fucking corner making homemade apple cider, getting ready for the holidays.

You know, wearing a Christmas sweater that we think actually looks good. We're not wearing it ironically. We're like, oh, this is my Christmas sweater. Dude, my fucking mother sewed this together for me when I was in high school. Still fits. You know, sweaters always still fits,

because they stretch. They're like the sweatpants for your torso. You know, it takes a while. Like if you have a homemade sweater, you know, one of those lobster fisherman ones that your mom would make, you know, and she just give it to you in the bag that she bought the yarn in, you know, then one day you look at it and some fucking moth started eating at it and you're just like is it the 1800s? Really? A fucking caterpillar learned got its fucking pilot's license and now is eating my

sweater. This is like so fucking 1826. How is this happening right now? For the love of God mom, can you go to the Rayon store? You know, can you make me a fucking polyester knitted sweater? How, why don't you do that? Why can't you do that? I mean, Jesus Christ, there's fucking children doing it, sweat shops around the world. You're gonna come at me with yarn? That's the problem with all the mothers nowadays,

you know what I mean? They have their fucking yarn, they just won't let go of it. I'm just fucking with you, what kind of woman knows how to knit anymore, you know what I mean? They're in their fucking yarn they just won't let go of it. I'm just fucking with you what kind of woman knows how to knit anymore you know? Trying to find a woman that knows how to knit is like trying to find a guy that still knows how to hunt you know what I mean? And that even goes for the fucking rednecks you're not doing it the way you fucking you're way less fucking I I don't know what, four-wheeler fucking ancestors hunted.

Almost talked myself into a corner there. I was like, I don't want to do the hacky. Saying your grandfather who first had sex with a fucking relative, you know, I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to go down that road. I don't even know if that's true. How the fuck did that start? You know what I mean? One fucking guy bangs his sister and then all of a sudden everybody out there that has a four-wheeler is doing it. You know what I mean? They can just dig like they don't

have Facebook. You don't have to be lonely. I like how they've gotten more aggressive on that farmers only when they've really just started shitting on fucking city folk you know me city folk just don't get it and they still make themselves look stupid city folk just don't get it they could go with global warming they could go with over population they could go with quality of air quality of life Space there's so many different directions That hey you want to come back to my place and you go there It's like some fucking city apartment, you know what I mean?

We're like the kitchen is in the bedroom, you know in the bed folds down from the wall And you could fucking attack them that way. You know, I mean some intruder trying to come through their window You can fucking attack them that way. You know what I mean? Some intruder trying to come through their window They say to folks just don't get it, then they go to their Sprint, right? Fucking get your own parking space. You're not driving around the block like fucking nine hours Trying to find alternative side of the street fucking parking. There's all these different things water levels rising you know i saw this one of these man in the street things i've been watching that that channel vice you guys watch the vice channel it's a fucking great channel reminds me a lot of ways a little bit

of um mtv during the early days were like they had a lot of funny promo commercials i don't know why more fucking networks don't do that because you know he usually fast-forward or turn the channel when there's a commercial but they got like they have funny fucking commercials like there's some talk show on there these two black dudes right at least one black dude and one guy sort of Puerto Rican maybe or maybe he's light-skinned I don't know I'm too white to understand right so that they do a talk show so they're hyping it and they're showing like the New York City, you know, skyline like they always do before a talk show. And

it was, uh, I'm going to fuck up the joke. It was something like no big guests, no band, no audience, no white dudes. And then they cut to the promo and somebody comes out, you know, I don't know what the fuck it was. I was watching. I was like, this is funny. This looks like way back in the day when I would see like Randy the Redwoods a Jim the taxi driver you know they would have like funny promos I don't know why they ever got away from that but um anyways oh speaking of that speaking of non-whities I saw a fucking frontman this weekend in a band. It was fucking unbelievable, right? I went down The other day I did the dark matter podcast

which is Dave Navarro's podcast and Had a great time on that and Afterwards they were like yeah. Hey Dave's doing his show down at the Roxy. You want to come down Friday Saturday night I guess he I mean I'm in the dark here. Literally no pun intended. I didn't know he did this just Christmas show every year and it was like an all-star lineup, you don't know who the fuck's coming out and you just go to the show and then they just start bringing people out and So I went down there to go see the show and I mean, I knew it was going to be good. Dude, it was fucking ridiculous.

The amount of people that they had coming out, which of course I'm going to fucking forget the names and everything, but you just, you know, someone would come out, this guy, they sang, this dude sang the Immigrant song and something else and fucking murdered it. I never even heard of the guy fucking murdered it. The band was unbelievable. The viral was killing it. And then they brought out Macy Gray. And then she sang, what the fuck did she sing?

She sang The Pretender's Brass in Pocket. And then she sang Radiohead Creep. I was just like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And then they brought out Cypress Hill. And no one was doing like their own style of music everybody would like switch it up so then they bring out this they give this fucking intro which no performer wants to get right the guy goes to do the intro and he just goes Billy Morrison was there just fucking fucking everybody, right? Goes, all right, this next guy, you know, people suggested him for this show.

You know, first we were like, yeah, you know, we don't know, we don't know if he's right for this show. And then we saw him and he absolutely blew us away. Our jaws were on the ground. I'm telling you, this fucking guy is unbelievable, yada yada. and I'm thinking, I was in the crowd going, oh no, not that, that intro was the fucking word, you can't follow it.

It's like in stand up comedy, this guy is one of the best working commas today, he reinvented the mic stand, Fendi Murphy was still doing stand up, he'd be asking this guy to write from, you know, they start giving you a fucking intro like that. You're just in the back like, guy, here, tone it down, tone it down, right? Dude, this guy came out and totally fucking lived up to it. This guy's a rapper, man, I don't know shit about hip hop or anything like this, guy, Post Malone.

So, the guy on stage, for whatever reason, said this guy's responsible for Justin Bieber's career, right, which I don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50 something year old The guy on stage for whatever reason said this guy's responsible for Justin Bieber's career, right? Which I don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50 something year old white people, right? So this dude comes walking out and there's a few people booing like, Buh! A couple, you know, like five people because of the Justin Bieber thing, right? I love people in their 40s and 50s who fucking talk about how bad Justin Bieber's music is.

It's like really? It doesn't speak to you? You're fucking dope. It's not for you. You know what I mean? It's like getting mad at the fucking, I don't want to insult the guy, but you know what I mean? It's for younger people. You know what I mean? I think, I don't understand people getting into their 40s and 50s, and they just, they don't understand that somebody's perspective as a 20-something year old is not going to seem like the same as theirs. And he's sitting there going like,

what the fuck is he talking about? And I'm like, that's bullshit. That's a stupid blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, that's what you did when you were that age. And someday he'll be in his 40s, and he'll. That's a stupid blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, that's what you did when you were that age. And someday he'll be in his 40s and he'll look back at himself at 22, 23, going, what the fuck was I thinking?

Somehow, like four or five people don't get it and they're literally booing Justin Bieber at a show Justin Bieber isn't at. So this guy comes fucking walking out and he just walks up to the microphone and he goes, what's up, L.A.? I'm drunk as fuck, right? So immediately the crowd just starts cheering.

And he goes, I'm a rapper. Everybody, I was assuming in the crowd, was like me going like, yeah, I'm completely unfamiliar with you. I am a white guy pushing 50. I have no idea who you are, right? So they start playing Rage Against the Machine, killing in the name of, and I'm like going, oh god, a

rapper's gonna sing. Do they got the auto tune on? You know, is this gonna be like, is he gonna have too much deodorant under his arms like fucking LL Cool J when he did the unplug? What's gonna happen here? Dude, this guy, this guy fucking murdered the song. Fucking murdered this song. Just took the whole thing to another level and it never came back down again. Everybody else matched this guy. This fucking dude was unbelievably saying that song

and then he sang Alice in Chains, Wood, and fucking murdered both of them. And you literally felt it in the crowd. Everybody on their phones going like, who the fuck is this guy? I got to download some of his shit. Oh, and here's hilarious thing. So later on that weekend, I'm watching vice and there's another funny promo.

He's sitting there, that guy, Post Malone, right? And I was sitting there with Nia going, that's the fucking guy I saw. That's the guy that guy post Malone right now. I was sitting there with near going That's the fucking guy. I saw that's the guy that murdered that song those two songs, right? so He was talking about Conspiracy theory I don't even know what the commercial was about it was just him talking to another guy I'm telling you it's very like early days of MTV. He was just talking about conspiracy theory and Being able to teleport and he was just

going like, say here's Area 51, right? Which of course he picks that rather than saying San Diego, okay? He goes, here's Area 51 right here, here's Australia. If you want to fly from Area 51 to Australia, you got to fly all the way here, you know? And he draws the arc too. He just didn't draw a straight line. Like someone actually understands aviation, right? Because this is what creeped me out. Because if he just drew a straight line,

I'd be like, all right, this guy's out of his mind. But the second he drew the arc, I'm like, oh fuck, I'm buying into this theory, right? And he goes, but with teleportation, they just do stuff like this. And he just takes the paper, and the X where Area 51 was, and the X where Australia is, he just takes the paper, and he just folds it paper and the X where Area 51 was and the X where Australia is he just takes the paper and he just folds it and he pushes them together. He goes, it's like that.

He goes, I know you guys think I'm out of my mind but I know this shit is true. And I was like, this guy's brain, that's what my brain tells me. So, I don't know anything about any of his music, but I'm definitely going to download some of his shit. If anybody knows what his best album is or whatever, a good jump off point for that guy, it would be tremendous. So anyways, oh by the way, Navarro fucking killed the guitar solo in that too. I was wondering how the hell he was going to do it.

Now I don't know if they came up with an effects pedal that made the noise that the dude from uh, you know, fucking Rage Against the Machine, you know, because when he came out he had all those weird sounds that he made. I don't know. You know, I was in over my head musically about fucking 15 minutes ago but whatever and I want to thank everybody at Dark Matter for hooking me up to see that show. It was fucking great man just a great goddamn show so of course I talked to Dean Del Rey who sees everything he goes oh yeah man he goes I went to that show at like the fifth anniversary and it was like fucking Ozzy, Lemmy, and Steven Tyler.

I was just like, oh fuck you man. Fucking, you're never gonna beat Dean Del Rey with the fucking, I went to a concert story. Fucking guys seen everything. So, anyway, so I'm watching this Vice channel. I know I'm just plowing through this shit. Fucking all over the place. And my wife just kept, wife just kept recording this shit.

She recorded something about DJs. She recorded something about the fucking kids of those oil barons or whatever, oil money in Saudi Arabia. So we're watching both of these, right? The DJ thing, you know, is just something I'd seen before. They're showing how much money that they're making in Vegas. And it was funny though, actually asking a couple of them what the future was.

And a few of them understood it. And a few of them were just like, yeah, it's never gonna end. It's like, dude, at some point you're gonna be the Bee Gees in January of 1980 it happens to all genres of music and the in the So few bands figure out how to do it how to age gracefully from one era to another And like I was saying like yeah, I think I was talking about that, I can't remember what fucking podcast it is, you have to, I don't know how to do it, but somehow you have to, like

your music has to age with you so you don't look like a fucking moron. Like Justin Bieber has got to write some fucking middle-aged shit when he's in his middle age, you know, because he can't be when he's in his middle-age, you know? Because he can't be singing about whatever the fuck he sings about, you know what I mean? He looks stupid at 40. You know? And it makes everybody in the crowd feels old, then you say, oh my god, we're going to die, you know?

You just see your mortality when they come out. I remember the first time I saw that that was when like 10 years ago when David Lee Roth came back with Van Halen and I went to go see Van Halen I was like oh my god this is gonna be fucking great right I can't believe he's back I saw Diamond Dave went on the Eat'em and Smile tour is gonna be he's gonna be throwing you know just think he's gonna be throwing fucking kicks and jumping off the stage doing the fucking split right dude, he came walking out on stage and I swear to, within two, I was like, oh my God,

and within five seconds I was like, oh fuck, he's old, I'm old, we're gonna die, everybody's gonna die here. And I get like this wave of fucking depression just hit me, you know, until I really realized,, you know, guitarist and drummers don't get old I mean they do but like, you know, they can still fucking you know, if they have a Technique or whatever they can still fucking Still fucking shred and I forgot that Eddie and Alex been playing again for like 50 fucking years and they were unbelievable

The singer has it the worst because your voice naturally drops and of course everyone from my era actually fucking sang, you know? Not to shit on Justin Bieber but when I was watching that DJ thing on the Vice channel, they fucking, he shows up at some pool party, you know, where everybody's fucking, you know, turning their cameras around, doing selfies and the peace sign and the duck lips and all that shit, and he shows up to

sing his song, and he's just clearly fucking lip syncing. He's not even trying to do a good job, and everybody's freaking out. There was a few times, like, he took the mic away from his mouth, pointed at the crowd, you could still hear him singing. And nobody gave a shit. There was no band, there was nothing. And all these YOLO douches were going fucking nuts. It's like how is that acceptable?

I don't know, that shit makes me feel old. Like back in the day, if you ever got caught, Millie Vanilli, the whole fucking, he Millie and Vanilli'd his whole fucking way through that nobody gave a shit. 20, 30 fucking years earlier, you know? I guess it's because those guys technically never even sang on the track. I don't know, everybody's doing fucking commercials now. I mean, it's just back in the, the whole thing has just changed. You just do whatever you want. You don't have to sing you can fucking you know you can lip-sync your way with your hit song

through a commercial for fucking underoos and It actually equates to more album downloads evidently I Should just be sitting on a porch right now watching young people walking by yelling at him That's what this podcast is just slowly becoming so anyways, I'm watching that channel and the next thing Nia recorded was this thing about the, it looked like those same guys that I saw when I was in London, the Middle Eastern dudes who fly on a cargo plane, fly in all their fucking cars with this same ridiculous wrap, you know?

Or maybe it's a paint job. I think it's a wrap that they put on there, you know what I mean? They got like the fucking, it's like that mirrored finish, like those three people in Shannan now with the gold suits. They'll do that to like Mercedes and all that. Well, when they're back in their country, another status symbol is to own a, like endangered species or exotic

animals as they call them and these fucking guys they owned like cheetahs and lions and tigers it was the most disturbing fucking thing and I'm coming at this in like a pita way I just sat there going like dude that is a fucking lion you got it on a leash And these things kept you know they have their friends over they'd sort of lunge at them And then friends would jump out of the way be like whoa like laughing it's just like if you saw how big these fucking things were it's just like They could like sort of like at 30%

where it's just like, they could like, sort of like, at 30%, like bitch slap a refrigerator and the thing would tip over and go flying across the fucking room. You know what I mean? And these guys are fucking with these things. So this fucking lady goes over there, this white lady making white people look fucking stupid as shit.

She's like, she fucking goes over to this guy's goddamn house. He's got a giant fucking lion. All right, and he goes, well we'll get, or a tiger or some shit, and he goes, all right, we'll get you comfortable, we'll let you play with some smaller ones first. So she's playing with these little ones,

and immediately I said, I wouldn't fuck with that. A long time ago I was on Opie and Anthony, they brought in a fucking baby tiger, one of those little white ones or some shit and they asked me if they wanted to hold it. I was like no. The thing was upset. It didn't want to fucking be there and I've been scratched by a house cat. Fucking killed. Right now it only got me with one goddamn claw. Went right down my forearm. I had to put all this shit on it so I wouldn't get some sort of goddamn disease and I'm looking at this cute little baby tiger or lion, whatever the fuck it was,

one of those Siegfried and Roy ones, the Mariah Carey one where it's all fucking white, you know? And I'm just looking at the size of its fucking paws. I'm like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat. I've got scratched by a house cat. This thing's in a bad mood. I don like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat. I've got scratched by a house cat. This thing's in a bad mood. I don't want to deal with the thing.

You know what's funny? He's actually scratched Anthony, if I remember correctly, and he had to get like a tetanus shot. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Or something, some sort of ointment had to be put on his fucking neck. So anyway, so this lady goes in there, right? And she's playing with them.

She's like, oh my god, they're so adorable. And I was really not impressed with the intellect of the woman. I thought they could have got somebody a lot fucking smarter, right? So then she goes outside to meet this lion. Okay? This lioness. And there's no way to describe to you how big a fucking lion is.

It's not very often that you get to see a person standing next to a goddamn lion. She walks up in the general area of this thing and the thing's immediately looking at her. The way a fucking wild animal looks at you, you know what I mean? It's the same, I've always said this, it's the same way like a fucking hooker looks at you.

There's no bullshit, you know? You go way like a fucking hooker looks at you where there's no bullshit You know you go no bar some woman looks at you You know when you fall you know she's just trying to get a fucking drink a hooker looks at you It's it's a real deal like yeah, I will fuck you Okay, if the circumstances are are you know if you got the money. I will fuck you right It's the same thing with like lions. They looking at you like if the opportunity arises, I will kill you You know dogs don't look at you like that fucking lions look, you know cats Attempted house cats, you know, you turn around you catch them stalking you and shit

But then you look at them and then they fucking run away All right picture a cat doing that a house cat But you turn around and it's a lion and it doesn't run away It fucking lunges at you. Or maybe gives you that refrigerator bitch slap, right? So this fucking thing is looking at her and he's the owner who has no training whatsoever. Brings this fucking thing. Oh dude, my palms were like sweaty. I had to get, well, I was watching it in bed. I literally stood up going, what the fuck are you doing?

So the thing comes over, immediately starts crawling on top of her. It's on top of her, and then she puts her hands on the side of the thing and starts like, like, you know, rubbing it like it's a giant dog. And all I remember was that there's that YouTube video of that stunt man who worked with bears, and he had brought his, some sort of relative in there who wanted to learn how to work with bears and he told him to keep his hands down

by his side. The bear came up and like stood up on its back legs, put its paws on the dude's shoulder and he instinctively put his hands on either side of the bear, which the bear took as like an aggressive move and wanted to fight and it fucking killed this guy. So she puts her hands down. I see that I go, oh fuck, is this thing like a bear? I don't fucking know. And all of a sudden, she got just a little bit scared.

And then the thing like collapsed down on her and it got weird really quick. And then the guy stood up with this rope fucking leash. And like quickly tries to pull the lion away which she does and this woman gets up like oh wow that was that was like a I feel like that was like a spiritual experience of all but it's like bitch you almost got fucking killed and then the guy goes yeah you got scared and it senses your fear and then oh god thank god she didn't make any high-pitched noise like the sound of an animal like suffering you know what I mean?

You ever hear like a dog toy, you know, when they bite on it, it makes that high-pitched noise? It excites the predator in them. And, um, so, I say to Nia, I go, how far into this show before they show us somebody who got killed? I go, I say about 17 minutes. They didn't. It was at the end of the show and they were just like, two weeks after we left, um, this fucking woman, basically the housekeeper comes in. All right. She didn't fucking do anything. She's not like these

fucking guys who for some reason like it's, it's just total like male ego shit trying to outdo the other fucking rich guy down the street that they get these things They don't know anything about the animals they fucking At least that's the way it was presented They didn't know shit about the fucking animals and then they were like no the thing has a better life living here It's walking around in a fucking cage You know, it's like dude would you want to walk around in a cage? I mean you could always get knifed you could get killed the same way an animal couldn't in the wild fucking cage. You know, it's like, dude, would you want to walk around in a cage? I mean, you could always get knifed, you could get killed the same way an animal couldn't

in the wild. It's a fucking lion. Who's killing a lion other than another human being? So anyways, this fucking housekeeper came in and she got mauled by these fucking lions and they bring the woman in and the guy tried to say a dog did it. And they were like, ah, these injuries are a little more than a dog. And then the owner was like, well, whatever do you mean? It's like, well, she's missing her left arm and the claw marks on this.

So you know what the fucking asshole did? He had three lions. He went home, he shot all of them, and then burned their bodies out in the desert. So nothing would fucking happen to him. And it was just like, yeah, there you go. They go fucking inevitable. They had like cheetahs. This guy's riding in a fucking six wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetahs this guy's riding in a fucking six-wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetah

and that woman's getting in the car going oh it's it's it's acting just like a dog it's panning it's looking out the window maybe they had to get somebody i'm not saying she was not a smart person she just wasn't very aware of the situation i I feel. And I just kept hearing, like, it was back in the day, like, 50 Def Jam comics did bits about how white people fuck with wild animals. And so, in a way, I'm like, oh, this is good. For once, it's not white people being idiots with wild animals. You know, now it's Arabs. Let's, let's, you know, take a little heat off a whitey, and then they bring this white

lady in there and she fucking does everything that, you know, every one of those bits says that we do. So anyways, um, let's get to some of the, uh, some of the reads here for the week. If I can, if my fucking... computer isn't gonna tell me to fucking, I don't know, update something. Um... Oh, Jesus, here we go, here we go. Oh, go wait I have to promote this thing real quick. Alright I was supposed to promote this regular hero. Year in review you can donate now and be a regular hero to change your life today these people work

around the world to help the disadvantaged they they are a not yet another nonprofit and I'm assuming that because it's on my podcast that this is a, this is actually a legit one. You know? They help out with Hurricane Matthew, Skid Row, At Risk Youth, oh, Regular Hero Show. Oh, fuck, I've done one of these. Oh, this is what's this Steve Simone thing, right?

The Regular Hero Show has been a great fun and awareness raiser thanks to comedians. Bill Burr, Gabriel Iglesias, Dane Cook, Daniel Taj, Chris Hadwick, Chris D'Elia, the world, at the world famous comedy store in the improv. Yeah, this is actually a legit one. In a world where so many of these nonprofits are

Complete horseshit. This is actually a legit one, which is a very nice thing Because everything's a fucking nonprofit like you remember that that that lady from a couple months back She she lost her job at that nonprofit, yet another nonprofit, when she said that horrible shit about Michelle Obama. And of course, wrote it like a dope. She said something like, it would be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified first lady in the White House.

You mean that trophy wife? What, because she wears a red blouse, all of a sudden she's fucking, you know, a better person? She wrote, I'm tired of seeing a ape in heels. Not an, A-N, a ape in heels. And ape is capitalized, like it's,'s I don't know somebody's name or some shit like that and so of course she gets fucking she gets bounced out of this nonprofit she gets fired because everybody knows that makes you less

racist you're racist and then you lose your job and then you go oh wait a minute what was I thinking everybody is equal so anyways, then the fucking mayor from this town, Clay County or something, Virginia, West Virginia, I guess, backed up her goddamn, why you would do that? Even if you were racist, you'd think you'd be smart enough to keep your fucking mouth shut. This person co-signed to what the other person said and then the mayor had to fucking resign. So anyways, they actually, so they fired the first lady who said it from the Clay County Development Corporation non-profit. They're a corporation that develops shit and but it's not for profit. Well let me ask you this, how is this

woman not homeless? I don't get how you work for a nonprofit and you're not homeless. If there's no profit, how do they pay you? This is what all corporations do. I'm in business with a certain corporation that claims a $90 to $180 million loss a year, and the people I work with are buying mansions out here redoing them. I don't know how that works. That's actually a different thing because they're not considered a nonprofit. They're considered a business entity and if you don't show that you've earned any money then you don't have to pay any

taxes. So the corporation does it but then everybody draws a salary. Now you have to pay taxes on the salary that you drew. But however, if you just say you're not making a profit, you don't have to pay any taxes. And I would think that all that extra money that you didn't pay taxes on, you then just disperse amongst your employees. So rather than making a million a year, you make two million a year and then you pay taxes on that. I don't know how it works. I'm too stupid to figure out how that shit works.

For the life of me, I looked up this nonprofit trying to figure out what the fuck they do. I can't figure it out. So anyways, they fired this fucking lady and then like a month later they just reinstated her. They just reinstated her and I don't know, to me that is the Trump influence. I think that that's what everybody learned from Trump. It's just like you just say, hey you know, that's locker room talk or you know, all right he's fired and he comes back. Hey you know I'm back. You know, all right, he's fired. And he comes back, hey, you know, I'm back. Yeah, you know, I left for six weeks, and I'm back.

And what I love with media is there's no follow-up after the first story. The first story's done. There's the whole fucking everybody flipping out, let's go burn the witch. And then once it dies down, then you just bring the person back, and they've moved on to something else.

I don't know, it's really bizarre. I just don't know how somebody could fucking be in business with somebody like that. It's fucking nuts. Anyways, all right. All right. So according to the emails, somebody wanted me to look at this fucking thing and it simply says crazy Asian sport. Saw this on Reddit and needed you to see it Merry Christmas twinkle eyes alright let's see what this is oh my god alright

let me hit pause here this is basically this is I want to go to this All right, there's this whole group of fucking dudes They're all dressed in white. Oh my god They're all huddled around a pole. There's a guy sitting on top of the fucking pole and then another group of dudes come in wearing orange shirts and the fucking They all have on like Olympic boxing headgear and that and the fucking, they all have on like Olympic boxing headgear and when the fucking orange dudes come in, they're trying to knock the guy off the pole.

This is like fucking ants fighting each other. Dude, you fucking asshole, how can you show me this and not tell me what sport this is? They try to knock the guy off the fucking pole. What is this called? What happens is basically everybody gets piled on once the orange crew comes in. Oh, there's a weak guy. He turned.

He ran the other fucking way. They start jumping up on top of each other. Oh my God. I would be so fucking claustrophobic. It's basically like a rugby scrum. If you could throw fucking punches and you climb in, just imagine a rugby scrum if you could throw fucking punches and you climb in Just imagine a rugby scrum and rather than the ball one of the rugby dudes was sitting up on a pole And they're trying to fucking knock him off Wow, dude

They're just kicking each other in the face I swear to God, you know How the fuck did I get so lucky to be born in this goddamn country where they at least pretend to give a shit about your well-being and your life? That is a fucking hardcore sport. You know what? Hats off to fucking Asia right there. I would love to see them try to get this. This is barbaric, you know, trying to do it in our country, like everybody's listening

from America. My country, I should say. This is barbaric, this is promoting violence against people with different kinds of shirts on. I mean, I don't even understand, what is the purpose of this? Can you please tell me the name of that sport?

Am I ever gonna get over this fucking cough? I haven't smoked a cigar in forever, I'm getting eight hours sleep. Not really. You know, Nia's tossing and turning every fucking minute now. I literally, you know, I sleep in bed for like half the night and then after a while I just end up going upstairs and I fall asleep, you know. I want to do the same thing like when the baby comes. I'm just going to be, when the baby cries too much, I'm just going to be like, you

know what, I can't deal with either one of you, and I'm going to go upstairs. And I'm going to put on an evening gown like Mariah Carey and lay here with my fucking diamonds on. I don't know. Maybe it's just for the show, but I just look at it. This person is out of their... At some point, it's just completely lost touch of reality. There's something about that.

When you get backup dancers and they're all hanging on your every word and they literally want to be you, there's no way to keep yourself tethered to any sort of fucking reality. Alright, advice, age, different story. First of all, did I talk about everything I wanted to fucking talk about this week? Oh, let's talk about, how you guys doing with your cardio?

If you're late to the podcast, you can still start right now, man. I've been trying to do a half-hour cardio every single day. Because this is, you know, between Thanksgiving and New Year's, you eat all of this fucking shit, you put on weight, and then you just start the year behind the eight ball. Behind the eight ball, right? It was like I'm not fucking doing that so as of December 1st I've been trying to do cardio a half hour cardio every single fucking day and of course I fucked up right I what did I do I made it through the first 11 days

and then December 12th I had a busy morning. And you really got to knock it out in the morning. Which I didn't. And the day got longer and longer. And then I came home. Nia was watching some fucking TV. And she was just like, I need comfort! And I was just like, alright. Acting like I was a good husband. Rather than like, I don't want to get on that fucking elliptical again. So I missed a half hour on the 12th. 13th I my half hour so I had 12 out of 13 days 14th I

missed then I was like fuck this is becoming a trend now I owe that machine down there 60 minutes plus the 30 for today that was Friday December 15th so I got on that elliptical. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba by 90 points and so the next day I started my day I was down 19 points plus the 30 I had to do and I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical so now I was up 11 minutes and then I liked the I liked the results of doing a f***ing hour so then uh on say I did uh an hour and four minutes say I did an hour and four minutes so then now I'm up I was down 90 minutes now I was up an hour and 15 also known as 75 minutes and then yesterday I did an hour and 15 minutes so I don't even know what I'm up at this point 45 minutes plus the next to 45 I'm actually up 90 minutes something like that I don't know what the fuck it is I can't really remember but all I wanted to do I

Was gonna do a half hour every day and that was gonna be so 31 days It would be 15 and a half hours of cardio, but uh Now I think I'm just gonna do hours every day for the rest of the fucking year I weighed myself the other day. I was 177 now when I came back from fucking Europe, I was a buck 90. So I've taken 13 pounds off since Since that trip so I don't know it's all about the fucking cardio I Would love to do that, you know If I if you know what the reality is is you've got an elliptical every day and did fucking 60 minutes if you just did

That you know, and then when you that, when you put together a playlist, that's when you gotta love, I tell you, you gotta love bands like Iron Maiden where they have six, seven minute songs. You know, at least, the songs are at least four minutes, which is a huge fucking chunk. You know, and I just put my sweatshirt over the clock and I'm just like, I just peek at the clock

after every song's done. All right? So if you're just doing a half hour of cardio, you gotta listen to Rime of the Ancient Mariner. It's a 13 minute song, you know? Hear the rhyme of the ancient mariner, the whole fucking thing? They got you like that they shoulda diced by the crew.

Ba ba da da ba da da ba da da da da da da da da. Right, you listen to that whole fucking thing? The curse is upon his eyes. Right? You're going to go from fucking 27 minutes down to 14 minutes. Like, this is a fucking joke. I always try to put it on, you know, have it come on time. It was like 21 minutes, you know?

And then I just cover it up because the next time I look, I'm going to be in single digits. I'll be down to like eight or nine minutes. It's fucking tremendous, but... Anyways, I, uh... A buddy of mine, my drum teacher, was showing me this fucking song this week. And, uh, I don't know how I slept in this room. I've always been a big Soundgarden fan. And somehow, I never heard that song, Rhinosaur. And, uh, as always, Matt Cramman with the sickest fucking drums I become obsessed

with that song and that fucking album and when I saw it I thought it said 2016 I was like oh they got back together this is their latest shit and then I looked again and said 1996 every fucking thing that I listened to I don't know what happened me I think part of it was I got old and then I was also like trying to fucking get somewhere as a comedian. I just completely missed out on like 20 years of music and like half the shit people show me I'm like, oh that sounds fucking, you know, it always sounds like it's brand new to me. When did that come out?

And they're like, yeah, like 2002. I'm like, ah, I just Just I just can't get contemporary. I got 20 years of shit. I got a fucking sift through So if there's any other drummers out there You know part of my lessons is they'll play shit At the end like ear training shit like you got to try to figure out The groove you got you got to figure out what time signature was in and this got to figure out what time signature it was in. And this was to figure out what time signature it was in. And of course, I was fucking it up.

And a few drummers out there, it's in six. But if you count the eighth notes, you just count up to 12. And the phrasing is seven and five. And I would play it for you on here. But I always just feel like because I do advertising if I play any music Then all of a sudden somebody's gonna come after me be like you owe us money because you made money off of me undies Why you played our fucking song or whatever? anyways

What do you guys think of the Patriots yesterday? Everybody's flipping out about our defense like I don't know what the big You know we beat the Ravens and the Ravens, you know, they got that Suggs guy but back in the day they had Suggs, they had Ray Lewis and they had Ed Reed. So their big three is basically down to one dude and you know, they're not who the fuck they were and then we beat the Broncos in mile-high where we never fucking win But they basically they got a rookie quarterback. I Don't know I get so frustrated with the Patriots because it seems like they only protect their offensive players They've been I know I've been bitching about this, but they just you know, they're fucking cornerback. Whatever the fuck his name is

Taleb, whatever the fuck his name is, like when he was with us, that whole side of, his whole squadron, section of the field was just shut down. What didn't we like about that? Why didn't we just keep that guy? You know, we always, we got fucking wide receivers, we got fucking our quarterback,

that's what we keep all our fucking, you know what, this is my theory. Bill Belichick is such a defensive genius, I think he just thinks like, you know what, I don't fucking need, you know, I don't, look at this, my fucking computer just decided, you know, I said, you know, contact me in an hour.

And I was like, all right, an hour's gone by, now it's just syncing with my fucking phone. Like, who's doing this? So weird. It's like all these fucking satellites just fucking pointed at you. I don't know. Anyways, I think he just is convinced that he can take any second round draft pick, train this person into being an NFL quality player at that position slash borderline all-pro.

If you become an all-pro, then he just fucking gets rid of you the second you want money. Just fucking been doing it forever. Back in the day, we'd keep McGuinness, we kept Rabil. So our defense, I felt like had an identity. Now it's like every three years, it's like a whole new fucking defense. It drives me up the fucking wall. I don't know, we'll see. Because I watched the Giants, you know? And you know, like all Patriot fans,

every year when the Giants go on their run, you get this sickening feeling in your stomach going like, oh fuck, yet you want to play them again, because we got to beat them one time. You know, and I was sitting there going like, all right, well they want to play him again, because we got to beat him one time. You know, and I was sitting there going like, all right, well they lost Tom Coughlin, this is going to be huge. And lo and behold, they're doing it again. They're on another fucking run.

All right, yeah, the defense looks fucking amazing. You know, I'm not saying that defense doesn't look good, but it does not look as good as theirs. And I don't know, that's the Giants thing. Like the only thing about the Giants is they don't score any fucking points for whatever fucking reason. They got Eli, who's a goddamn beast. They got the fucking, they got the diva there.

What's his name? How the, I don't, my short term memory's for shit. I just thought Wyatt. I can't fucking remember. His last name is the same name as the fucking soccer player with all the tattoos who's married to the Spice Girl. Beckham. Bend it like Beckham. Odell Beckham. There you go.

See that? I'm learning how my fucking old brain works now. I got to go on one of those brain exercise websites to try to help you with your short-term memory. I don't know. I'm fascinated how they can have him at wide receiver. You know, I don't know if they're playing that Cruz guy a bunch of fucking money, but they got Eli,

they're able to keep him, but then on the other side of the ball, they got JPP, and if he didn't fucking mess up his hand, they seem, they're more balanced. So what if Chandler Jones wanted money? He fucking earned it. Sometimes I just feel like we're getting, I don't know what the fuck, you build, how many Super Bowls do they have to win before you realize Bill Belichick knows what he's doing? I know, I know. I'm just looking at the NFC West and it just seems like they're stronger. I'll tell you right now, the Dallas Cowboys, you

buying or selling? I'm selling, I don't believe in them. I don't believe in the Dallas Cowboys. I don't believe in their coach. I don't know about, you know, this is just totally based on, I look at that guy and I go, I don't believe in that guy. I just don't. Pete Carroll is a fucking beast. Eli is an animal and their coach, who I swear to God,

looks like he won some radio contest is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Is a wolf in upper deck fucking eating a pretzel and getting mustard all over his face clothing. I think one of those teams, and this really isn't going out on a limb, I think one of those two teams goes to the Super Bowl. And having watched both teams, I think I would rather play Seattle. And that's only because Seattle, once you win a Super Bowl, you go back to back, they lost too many guys.

Not to say that they couldn't beat the Patriots, they already fucking beat us this year, but we'll see. We'll see. I never fucking believe in my team. You know what I mean? I don't know why. I always just see the fucking, you know, why are we doing this? Why are we doing that?

So anyways, we shall see. But be nice to play the Giants again and finally fucking win. We'd actually, we would have to win that game or else Tom Brady would forever just get ripped on Sports Talk Radio by all his mouth-breathing dopes. They would be like, does this mean that you can actually say that Eli is better than Tom Brady? Like it was this one-on-one game. Like Tom Brady, every Super Bowl has not let his team down the field for the winning score he's had to do that every Super Bowl that he's been in you know and four out of six times the defense went out and did their job and two times they did not and I'm not taking it away from fucking Eli because

two times Eli beat our defense, but he beat our Defense he did not beat Tom Brady. However, when you're the quarterback you take all the brain blame You know all you got to do is look at Dan Marino and the ridiculous level of shit that that guy takes despite the fact all the records that that guy I I've never understood it it's just did he have to tackle people to was he supposed to run the ball up the gut to fucking eat up some of the clock I don't know it's just so fucking the shit the damn marino gets is the dumbest it's the dumbest ever this how much the game has changed

by the way I looked this up the other day, just because all they do is fucking throw the ball. And I looked up all-time running backs, just rushing all-time for your career. And I'll tell you right now, what's his face? Emmett Smith? No one's going to break that fucking record. The way they just don't run the fucking ball anymore. No one's going to get anywhere near that thing. Let me look this shit up. Like, I looked it up yesterday. And um, not now! I don't want to install these fucking things. Fuck off! Jesus Christ, it's

like a fucking kid tugging at you. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Um mommy where we go all-time NFL rushers all right where the fuck is it pro football reference this is the best thing ever so I look this shit up okay and in the top 20 top 20 all like as of right now there's only three active players in the top 20. The first seven are all retired. Okay. The highest ranking one is Frank Gore who has 12,931 yards. All right. Then you got to go all the way down to 16. You got Adrian Peterson, who granted took a year off because he beat his kids up with something he found in the woods. Adrian Peterson, and then you got Steven Jackson at 18.

All right, you go to the all time, where the fuck is it? Passing, where the hell is it? Passing yards, how hard is it to find that? Passing yards, how hard is it to find that? Passing yards, alright? So there's only, there's only, there's only, three active players, top 20 rushing, right? Starts at eight and ends at 18.

Alright, passing all time. There's, in the top 14, there's six active players. Six active players in the top 14 all time. There's only eight other QBs in the history of the NFL that has thrown as many or more yards than six current fucking players. In the top two all time are Peyton Manning and Brett Favre. Peyton Manning just retired last year, Brett Favre retired six years ago. It's fucking unbelievable, like how much this game has changed.

And there's only two really old school names in the top 20 is Johnny Unitas, where's the other one? And Fran Tarkington. And once, what's his face, like John Elway, Warren Moon, that class, Dan Fouts, Joe Montana, they came in, they did their damage. Dude, Cary Collins is in the fucking, he's 16th all time. So here you go, so you got Peyton Manning's one, Brett Favre is two, Drew Brees is three with 65,462 yards.

He's less than 7,000 yards, less, about 6,500 yards away from owning the record. Dan Marino's fourth, then it's Tom Brady, John Elway, Warren Moon, then Eli Manning is eight, then Fran Targeton, then Ben Ben Rothlisberger, Vinnie Testaverde, Philip Rivers, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, Dan Fouts. I've seen like everybody, all of these people play in my lifetime. I did catch the end of Fran Tarkenton. Dan Fouts, Kerry Collins, Joe Montana, Johnny United, I didn't see. Dave Craig, Boomer Esiason, Donovan McNabb.

All right, Donovan McNabb is 21st all time. That's how much the fucking game has changed. It's unbelievable. And what it is, is these guys are like throwing for four yards, five, six yards, that shit used to give to the running back. So I think Emmett Smith, Walter Paytonton those guys. No one's gonna touch their fire I don't know. I don't know how you'd get enough fucking attempts to even do it

um Was there a point to that bill? I'm yeah, i'm just saying they throw the ball a lot. I guess that's what i'm saying Jim ursay completely chained and then nothing too. It's just the way that they they protect the fucking quarterbacks You know when they call it the Tom Brady rule Because that time he turned around looked at the referee said hey Somebody touched my jersey and the referee was like, oh, I'm sorry fucking threw the flag Yeah, everybody calls it the Tom Brady rule, which I love I love that they call it the Tom Brady rule because it is You know, you got to protect your quarterbacks. That your money. Everybody realizes that, you know, when the best, you know, everybody knows the fucking

quarterback. If that guy gets knocked out, no one's going to watch the game. So they protect the hell out of him. And they're like, yeah, fuck everybody else. And people who are not into sports, they're into offense. They want to see some action. So they just, you know, now it's like illegal to cover a fucking receiver. You know, dude, Dan Marino, the shit you could do during that guy's fucking career and he's still through for like 60 000 fucking yards

I don't know Yeah, we talk about steroids right and they put an asterisk next to your name, you know They don't you know the same way they don't give barry bonds is just do it's just like you're gonna sit there and tell me You know All of these fucking guys were as good as Dan Marino with the yards they're putting up fuck out of here all right advice age difference and history dear Bill I'm just a bill yes I'm only a bill I'm a big fan of yours I really enjoy your podcast you know thank you very much I appreciate it I am 28 years

old and in a relationship with my girlfriend who's seven years younger than me and who I plan on marrying. We're really great together and I love her. Well, congratulations. The thing is, as our relationship has gone on, we've slash I've been getting some static from people about our relationship. Well, who gives a fuck what they think? Like I said, she's seven years younger than me, but we've known each other for a while We've met when I was working at my first job as a counselor at a camp When she was one of the kids Oh Jesus when we first met I was 17 and she was 10. Yeah Yeah

Yep. Yep, man. They're that that's that creepy thing That's that creepy thing cuz at some point you were like, oh, look at that little kid. That's the Woody Allen moment where you go, oh, isn't she adorable? And then at some point the switch flips to being like, hey, I think I want to fuck that, you know? There's no way to get around that, sir. You have to understand that.

So anyways, he says, nothing happened between us at that point. Well, I would hope so. It wasn't until we reconnected years later when we were older that we started talking again and really getting to know each other. All right, well, I guess that's fair. But people are going to say some shit, right? Anyway, I'm getting shit from some family and friends because of our history. Just from an outside source, I'd like to know what you think. Do you think it's strange or weird? I know there's people out there 15 to 20 years apart. It's just with our history, it throws people off.

Again, what do you think from an unbiased perspective? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, the thing is is that you were 17 and she was 10 when you first met her. That's what makes it weird. Like my wife is 10 years younger than me but I didn't meet her until I was like you know 35 and she was 25. Hey Nia come in here. Here's a question. Somebody's 28. What do you say there Wendy? What are you so out of breath for?

Come here. You gotta give me a place to sit here. Oh, Jesus. So this guy, he's dating this woman, right? He wants to marry her, he's 28, she's 21. He said, the thing is, I met her when I was a counselor. I was 17, she was only 10. He goes, obviously nothing happened then.

He goes, obviously nothing happened then, but now that we're together, people are giving us shit. I was saying there was a 10 year difference between us, but I was 35, you were 25. So come on. So they're looking at you like you've been grooming her since she was like seven years old. Yeah, but he met her, but then it seems like he didn't see her for a while, then they reconnected and had a-

Of course, which happens. Don't worry about it. If you know everything's on the up and up, just do your thing. Is her family cool with it? Is her family giving him the side eye like he was grooming her? Seems to just be friends. What do you mean? His friends, people that he knows are just like...

This is what I would do. I would just... whatever those people- All those friends are giving him shit about it? I wouldn't, if you meet new people, I wouldn't tell them that that's how you first met him. Yeah, probably not. Not everybody needs to know your entire history in that way, just because people will misinterpret it.

But yeah, if you guys are fine, your families are fine, don't worry about it. Yeah, as long as nothing happened when you were a counselor. Exactly. As long as you're sure nothing happened when you were a counselor, which I'm sure it didn't. He always wants to push her on the swing. Oh God. I know, it's bad.

All right, let's see, I did it to you. Sir, you're going to have to, you know, there's a certain level of shit you're going to have to deal with. Where are you going? I'm going I'm going out to have a little a little breakfast with a friend. I Didn't like the vagueness of that you have a little breakfast with a friend. Yes. I'm going to get smoothies with Chelsea Peretti Oh, you didn't have to say that Smoothies Chelsea Peretti Yep, Sacramento zone Chelsea Peretti. Smoothies with Chelsea. Yep. Sacramento zone.

Chelsea Peretti. Is she from Sacramento or Oakland? Yeah. She's from Sacramento. I thought she was from Oakland. No. No. Hela Sacramento.

Hela Sacramento. She does say Hela. Yeah. She's white trash from... Hell, she is. She is. She's white trash from Northern California. Hell, she isn't. She is, she's also a Republican.

Um, anyway. Alright, where the fuck am I? Um, yeah dude, just you know, who gives a fuck? This is the deal, once you get married, you have fucking kids and shit, you're never going to see anybody anyway, so who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck what people think? Go out and do what makes you happy, okay? As long as you're not hurting anybody and you're not breaking the law, please go out and do it before just being happy

becomes illegal because, you know, just the level that the population is going in, you know, I'm thinking by the end of my life, I don't know what it's going to be like over here. I hope we don't end up like China with China. It's so fucking overpopulated They got to like people nobody drive cars for like five fucking days and just the shit that they're dealing with is it's brutal over there What are you doing? Yeah, take the Prius take the Prius. I still have the Prius everybody I'm gonna be selling the car. I just can't find the title. So I sent I sent in all the forms

To the DMV by enjoy your smoothies You big Hollywood phony All right So I sent it in To the local one in it and I fucked up not only did I send it to the wrong DMV I wrote for some reason 2017 on the check so so they thought I was trying to pull a fast one so then I ended up having to send it up to fucking Sacramento so I'm waiting for that thing so I can finally get rid of that other fucking car. Alright here we go. Girlfriend text. Hey Bill, I'm

in in a bit of a tough situation. Oh I you are you wrote in twice and would love to hear your take it on it I'm 24 years old and was recently seeing a 33 year old girl. Whoa, I love it But I do do do do do Come and rub my fucking balls You are fucking nine years older. For about six months. Within the time span, I cheated on her twice.

I told her about it and although she was upset, we agreed to get back together and start over anew. Everything was relatively fine until last week. I went to her house before she got off of work to do some work on her computer when I noticed her text messages opened. Uh oh. Mac computers are usually linked to a person's phone, so I was able to see all of her texts. I'm sure you know by now where this is going.

Oh, jeez. Since she has gone through my texts before, I figured I would take the same evasive liberty. Well, you've fucked around on her twice. I would think that she would be doing that. I found a particularly strange thread from someone named Lauren, whom I found out was actually her ex-boyfriend and she had it in her phone in a woman's name. Oh, God. They were sexting back and forth, talking dirty and exchanging pictures.

I also found out she was sending him videos of us having sex. What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoa. Dude, that's, I don't think that's legal. Is that legal? Wait, did you con, oh wait, how does that work? If you consensually let somebody, if you didn't know you were being filmed, how does that legal? Wait, did you con... Oh wait, how does that work if you consensually let somebody... If you didn't know you were being filmed, I don't think that that's legal.

This is what I do know. I'm not a lawyer and I have no idea what the law is. Alright, let's continue. I confronted her on it and at first she minimized the entire situation, saying it wasn't really that big of a deal. Since then we've been going back and forth entire situation saying it wasn't really that big of a deal. Since then, we've been going back and forth arguing, you know what? You guys are both like not ready to be in relationships remotely. And thank God you both found this out before you got married and had kids. She's since apologized, but I'm not really sure what to do.

I did cheat on her, so does that even the playing field? Or is the whole thing just rooted in dysfunction and chaos? There you go. Walk towards the light. I can't tell if I'm just lonely and want her in my life again or if I should just walk away. Please help me here. I am emotionally involved in this situation, so it's hard to make a clear objective call.

Dude, just walk away. Walk away and you need to do some work on yourself because I think you're a fucked up dude and I'm saying this with empathy. You're a fucked up dude who's actually a relationship guy and probably would have just gotten married and fucking had your own little fucking fruit stand or whatever, but something fucked up happened to you as a kid. You got weird boundaries, so you get into relationships with dysfunctional fucking people, and then you can consider continue to fuck around on the side and all that. It's actually a very common thing.

So I would say what you need is you need to be single. And you need to do some work on yourself. I would go to therapy, figure out what your deal is, really figure out what the fuck it is that you want in life and what it is that you're looking for, and then just take a baby step every day walking towards it. That's what I would do. But I would get out of this relationship. And I would give her the same advice too.

There you go. Yeah, get out of it and just know that you're gonna be fucking lonely, but it all takes is like, you know, two to three months, you'll be fine. You know what I mean? Just make yourself go to the gym. What you got to do is you're breaking a routine and you're fucking used to this person being in your life. But like the further you go without seeing that person, the more objective you can be and you can fucking used to this person being in your life but like the further you go without seeing that person the more objective you can be and you can look back and then one day you're just gonna be like what the fuck

was I thinking and it can actually be funny to you or you can really just see like like like what the fuck is wrong with me that I would do that to a person and what is wrong with me that someone would do that to me and I would consider staying? You need some self-esteem there buddy. Alright, girl with pet rat. Oh Jesus Christ. Dear Billy Christmastose. I don't know what that means.

I've been listening to the podcast for a long time. I recently came into a situation that resulted in me having to make a decision. Instead of writing into you and asking what to do in the situation, I decided to do what I thought you would want me to do and write in with the results. Dude, don't base your life on what the fuck you think I would want to do, but this is already interesting. Last month, a girl I had been dating got a pet rat. Oh boy, got a pet fucking rat. Okay. Is it Angelina Jolie? Did she have a rat? I don't know if she has Billy

Bob's blood around her neck. We had been dating for about four months and it was going well. I would say that if we were together about six months, I would have moved in with her. We really clicked. Well, she got a pet rat and I wasn't down with that. Not because I had a problem with a rat in a cage, but her taking the rat out of the cage and holding it while we watched a movie. Bill, I can barely even stand a cat on a lap because I don't trust them. So I voiced my concern and she laughed them off and ended up being a bigger argument and eventually came back around to the rat. I told her it was me or the rat. She said she'd rather me, oh you missed a word here, she'd rather have me I guess, except

there was a long pause and some serious thought I really like this girl and honestly if my devotion ever came down to choosing between her and anything short of family or friends Would she or any girl ever accept that? Dude, you're so emotional you're skipping words here. Probably not They'd say bail on the guy who's not sure if he'd choose you or something that potentially spreads diseases. Anyways, that's what happened. Merry Christmas to the birds. Yeah, but what you're doing is she loves that rat and you're making her get rid of something that she loves. So there's gonna be, I guess, a pause.

Um, I don't know. I think that it was really bugging you. I think it was really fucking bothering you and you let it simmer and then you just fucking hit it with, you know, you were ready to talk about this for days, weeks, I don't know how long, and then you just fucking caught her off guard and she's been bonding with this thing and you made her make a Sophie's Choice between you and the rat. Which I gotta tell you, I don't know about that move. I don't know about that move. I don't know about that move.

You could've easily just said, listen, I respect the fact that you like a rat, okay? You know what the first thing I would do is I would look up life expectancy of a rat. All right, and I don't mean someone that snitches. Because I think everybody, even I know at this age, as white as I am, that snitches get stitches. No, I'm kidding.

Alright. Life expectancy. What do you guys think, huh? What's the overrun here? How long can a fucking rat live? I'm going to say they live six to eight years. You know if the price is right and I was the last person to fucking, I would say six, but I'm gonna say eight years.

Life expectancy of a rat. Two years, dude, it only lives for fucking two years. Alright, this is what you say to her. If she hasn't got rid of the rat, come back and say, listen, I know you love that fucking rodent. Here's the deal. The thing's only lived two years. I plan on being with you in two years.

Can you do me a favor? Make this be the only rat you ever have. She agrees to that thing, and then just put parameters. When I come over and we're watching Sleepless in Seattle, I don't want to have a threesome, if you know what I mean. Just keep it in the fucking cage. When I'm not here, you want to roll around on the floor, get yellow fever, whatever the fuck you want to, whatever the fuck rats do.

If you want to do that, that's fine. I just, you know, I don't want to fucking deal with the thing. You could have done that, but you know, you kind of made her, like, what, what's she going to do with the rat now? Like, how do you get rid of a rat? Is there like a fucking adoption agency? This is gonna make me feel bad about my dog again, which has, of course, been brutal. I'm not going to talk about it. All right. Um, yeah, you just let the fucking thing go. Do you know those lines? Do you know once those people have those fucking lines and tigers and cheetahs for long enough time, they can't release them back into the wild because they don't even know how to fucking hunt anymore. You know what I mean? That really blew my mind. They don't know how to hunt anymore, but they can murder a fucking housekeeper.

I mean, it's just how the fuck do you have that in the house? There's no fucking way. This was in Kuwait, by the way. I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia. Kuwait, exotic pet deaths. Let's see what we got here. Lions, tigers become problems, pets engulf. Big cat killings, ma maulings big cats escape all right here

we go this is 2014 this is a website you want to go to big cat big cat rescue all right big cat killings maulings and escapes 2010s before Lion attacks on humans. Here's a video. I don't do I want to watch this And is it weird that I root for the fucking animals? Oh Jesus Christ, all right, dude. Look at those things. We were I was talking to verzi and we were talking about these big cats Like those big cats. They're literally the Lamborghinis and Ferraris of fucking of cats you know of animals oh my god it's fucking it's got his fucking arm it's got his fucking arm and he's trying to slap at it oh my god.

Jesus fucking you're fucking idiot. This guy's trying to remain calm. This is dude. There's one guy. He's dealing with this lion attacking him and then the fucking there's another guy slapping at the fucking lion and it's got his fucking leg. It's just sort of holding him. He's almost away, he's almost away. Oh my God, he's fucking got him again. Dude, you should have got the fuck out of there.

Get the fuck out of there. And this guy, he's still staying in the fucking cage. out of there and this guy he's still staying in the fucking cage There you go you fucking dope. Oh, this is like the top ten all right. You got to go to this big cat rescue org And this is another guy he's getting fucking bit by this goddamn thing It's weird man when they decide that they're going after somebody like the other guy can just totally be like get the You know the other guys like to friend in the bar come on man. You don't need this you don't need this This thing is just going after this one fucking dude

Lion attack number eight all right. He's petting the back of the thing. He's petting it You know it's a fucking lion, and then boom. Oh oh it's got his arm. I've seen this one. It's got his fucking arm. Ugh. Now his friends, his friends are pulling, it's a tug of war with this guy right now. And the other guy is funny, he tries to hit the lion but he's too afraid to go near it so he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth. Wow. Lion attacks hunter, I've seen this one. So he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth Wow

Lion attacks hunter. I've seen this one. I don't like that one because they killed a fucking lion Jesus Christ, you know what? I gotta be honest with you what you don't see in any of these fucking videos is women that own fucking these things You know guys is just such fucking dopes Anyways, alright, that's the podcast for this week. If you guys missed last Thursday's podcast, you gotta tune into it. Rich Scheidner, man, this guy gives you basically a stand-up comedy history class. He's one of my favorite guests I've ever had on the podcast. I could have talked to him for like two hours. You have to get his book. You know, it's about his life as a stand-up comedian. Was it Walking Through the Ashes of Stand-up?

My Life as a Stand-up Comedian? You got to get the book because, you know, he started to tell me those... Johnny, the first time he did The Tonight Show, he had cocaine, a little baggie of cocaine in his fucking pocket. He said the next time he did it, he did a joke about heart attacks and Johnny was really nervous about having a heart attack because he smoked and hated him. And they made sure that he stayed in the fucking dressing room. They're like, you're never doing the show again and blah, blah, blah and all those type

of shit. It's fucking the book is amazing. But you got to listen to the podcast. I have the links and everything. It was last Thursday. If you're really a fan of stand-up, it was just effortless. It was one of the fastest hours I've ever done on the podcast. Totally fascinating. Please check it out. It was from, what's today's date? I don't fucking know.

It was last Thursday. God damn it, Bill. Let's see. Thursday the, let's see, 11, 12, 13, 14, was it the 15th? Jesus, Bill, come Can you can you get your shit together here? All right, 2016? Yeah, Thursday the 15th check that one. All right, that's podcast go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition for week number 16 How the hell are you guys doing? You got your hosts here, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr. We got the Greek freak. Wait, is next week the last week of the regular season? Two more.

Two more. That's right. Because everybody gets the bye week. Okay. It's wild. And of course we have Jake the Snake, the injury report guy. But first we have to shout out our great sponsor. It's the Bet MGM. It's the Bet MGM, everybody. Bet MGM is offering $1,500 in free bets to get your season going. How do you get this offer? It's four easy steps. You download the bet MGM app to your device. Use code Burr, B-U-R-R. Very simple. You sign up and you deposit at least $10 in the bet MGM sportsbook account. You place your first wager and you receive up to $1500 in bonus bets if the bet loses.

If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Also, they have the first touchdown. What you do is you bet, do a prop bet on a player in any game that you think is gonna score the first touchdown of the game. If they don't score the first touchdown, but in fact score the second,

you will get your stack of cash back. There you go. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. Bill, how the hell are you doing? I just went for an old man walk, Paul. Nice. You know, I got my steps in.

Nice. You know, I go the other way, Paul. I go the other way during the holidays. People balloon up. I fucking start losing weight. Nice. I sit in the corner. I don't talk to anybody. You know, they feel the depression of the end of the year, and I sort of ruin it for them. Then they go outside, I go outside,

I go outside, I'll smoke a cigar or something. And then then everything's good. No, no holiday cookies for you. You know what me neither. Do what am I fucking eight years old to desert, dessert past a certain age is for women and kids. All right? Women, I give them a pass, you know what I mean? They're fucking giving blood every month, their hormones are all over the place. They don't know what they're, they need a cookie, right?

It's like, what are you doing as a man? Little German chocolate cake though, man. After a meal. Ha ha, I'm taller. Who would have thought German chocolate cake would be one of the best desserts ever in history. It's amazing. You know Paul that's slightly offensive to me as a German. You are German which is nuts because I always you know what Paul you kind of just said whoever would have thought those fucking crowds could have make anything in the goddamn kitchen. Who would have thought those crowds could be happy. Oh it's a bad

joke. Hey they're good with ovens, but not for cooking. You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, oh, not during the holidays. I hate when people groan history. I'm not advocating it. Dude, I got one for you, dude. Can I get some scrambled eggs here, Paul? I need a little protein after my brisk old man

walked through the neighborhood. Dude, my son's basketball team played a team of kids that were all Jewish. And these kids come out, and I'm not joking around, dude. Some of these kids had yarmulkes on and stuff. And I just leaned over to a dad jokingly, and I go, dude, I never seen that on a court. But that's got to be one of the least most intimidating things

I've ever seen on a basketball court. Dude, I like it. They beat us by 45. That's what I like. With the yamakas on. Go fuck yourselves. I love that. One kid had like bling on his yamaka. Draining threes. I'm not joking. Well, then, now you learn something. When the Jewish kid shows up and he has bling on his yamaka, The Jewish kid shows up and he is playing on his yarmulke. Yeah, from downtown. One mother, I swear to God, one mother in the bleachers goes, hey, don't judge a book, okay?

Dude, people forget they had champions in boxing. They just haven't done it in a minute. Dude, Edelman? Sandy Kopeck? Julian Edelman, come on. Yeah. That reminds me of the Zuckerman. I will say, you don't see a lot of fast gingers

running the court. What was it? The Zuckerman Brothers movie, Airplane? She goes, you want to read something? She goes, give me something light. She goes, here's a leaflet, famous Jewish athlete. But dude there. Say Sandy Koufax did.

Well that's the thing that they have like legends. It's a nice you know it's like somebody would like I like to refine taste with the with the car collection he didn't buy every fucking car we just as a few that he likes yes, they got big enough guys to to shut them down. I feel Jewish boxer or no. You gotta go back to the black and white days like the middle of white things when they were living in ghettos and stuff and they were like you know they had to fight

their way out. Yeah. Never underestimate Paul having no fucking money how good you can become in boxing. Yeah, anything really. Chris Rock did a bit about that a long time ago. Did he? Saying the broker you are, the better you are at boxing. And was talking about how black people are dominating it. And then he picked some other group. He goes, but there's, you know, there's whatever.

There's some so-and-so gonna come in and kick his ass one day. Yeah. No, I'm trying to think of like the stereotype athletes like Italians were good in. Well, Italians, there's not many Italian, you have Rocky Marciano. Italians were good with the referees, Paul. Let's not, let's be honest here. Okay. In boxing, in, in, in basketball, that's where the Italians thrived in sports, was with the officiating. That's great. All right, we're going into week.

My people were all bleeders. Yeah, but your people were tough as nails. German, well, I mean, I'm mostly German, so I can't quite, dude, I'm fucking, I'm just an idiot from Massachusetts, all right? That's what I am. Dude, whatever started this though, when you fight? Shit.

I honestly think, dude, that was like a logo. I think that was the fighting, I don't think anybody ever did that. And then I think when you watch movies that they have old timey thing that don't, like if you watched, was it Jack Johnson, that heavyweight from like a hundred years ago, he wasn't doing this.

No, that movie though, that movie that took place in Ireland with Tom Cruise Was it called far and away where they were like like gentlemen they had like shirts and they had the suspenders and everybody got his cruise In a fucking period piece. That's not what they really did Dude so much shit that Hollywood just comes up with. People think, my brother took this tour one time when he was in the Grand Canyon, and Native Americans, Indians, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say, were given the tour,

and he was showing how his tribe played the drum. He goes, you play it like this, you play it like that, play it this. He goes, however, we never played it like this. And he starts going. That was some shit that my people came up with in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all bullshit. I'm not gonna lie. If I ever got into a fight and a guy came at me like this, I'd be

like, I'm about to get fucked up. This guy knows what he's doing. I wouldn't think he's gonna this, I'd be like, I'm about to get fucked up. This guy knows what he's doing. I wouldn't think he's going to hit you. He's not. I'm looking for the spinning back fist. You know, it's great, right? He does a straight back fist. Yeah. Um, all right. Before we get into these picks, Jake, apparently Jake, the snakes got a big injury report bill. We got a lot of people out this week.

Jake, the snake recently voted most eligible bachelor in Fullerton California. I heard that congratulations. Thank you thank you. Look at that smile he's got. He's got the glasses on Paul he just jumped up off for this podcast here we go. Alright what do you got Jake? No glasses this week. Well, the biggest injuries Patrick Mahomes got hurt last week, but he's expected to play. Trying to get a hollow coming up.

Yeah, it was just the ankle this time. And then he had that a few years ago, right? Yeah, yeah, they thought it was. What's up? Is that the same injury from a few years ago? I don't think that's the playoff. Yeah, doesn't sound like it's as serious this time. And then, yeah, they thought he was gonna be out for a bit and then the line came out and it flipped to minus three

for the Chiefs just recently. So I think everyone is expecting him to play. Dude, I bet the Browns last week, cause I was like, that's such a gift that the Chiefs are going to win. And I'm like, there's no fucking way. And then they just killed him. Yeah, I was on the Chiefs.

You don't have to rub it in. There's no reason to rub it in. All right, go ahead. Speaking of the Browns, their season's pretty much over, but Jameis Winston is getting benched as well. But he's not the only quarterback getting benched. Kirk Cousins has been benched for rookie Michael Pennex from Washington. So they play the Giants this week.

So we'll see how he looks out there. But wow, on the line. Yeah, they paid him $150 million and they're benching not even one year into the contract. So that's a pretty good. How old is Kirk Cousins? 36 or 37 off the torn Achilles. So yeah, it's going to be a tough road for the Falcons with that deal.

Another big injury is TJ Watt. He got hurt at the end of the Eagles game. He was limited. Yeah, he was limited this week. So we're not sure yet. But Steelers are 1 in 10 when he's been out. So that's definitely one to monitor. And the other team that's starting to accumulate injuries

are the Lions. They have a lot of injuries, but the biggest one is they're starting running back. David Montgomery, he's out for the year. Tours knee. Yeah, so they have a good backup. Jake, you got any good news this week? My God, these are- Jake, the snake is earning his money this week. Yeah. the the

the the the the the the the the the Oh, and Gino Smith, he got hurt against the Packers last week. He'll be out there as well. So those are kind of the big ones. I also saw Burrow and Baker hurt,

but I can't imagine those two not playing. So yeah. And Cincinnati's still in it, right? Cincinnati's still in it, yes. I mean, there's the Charger Bronco game tonight is definitely gonna be a big indicator of whether or not they can make the playoffs because they play the Broncos next week.

So I think if the Broncos lose, that would probably help their chances. But I don't have the exact numbers there. But yeah, it's a big week for the playoffs for sure. It's gonna be a lot of good football. Thank you, Jake, the snake coming in. These kids are just pro. It's...

He gives you the bad news, but then he ends with the positive. It's gonna be a lot of great football. I mean, that's you let him down easy. Jake, you do the gift bag with your women like Derek Cheater. I think it was Larry David or someone who had the breakup strategy. Part of Jake's gift bag. He gives him four picks for the next week. Hey, go buy yourself something nice with these picks. Before she leaves, he just goes, Come here, sweetheart, just flips her piece of paper.

At least I got inside information. Pat in the homes is not nearly as hard as they're saying. All right, take that. Take that for what it's worth. Touches her cheek. She goes away. All right. Let's get into the picks. Who's going first? You go first. because I had the, when I had to do it myself, so you go first. All right, my Patriots are 14 point underdogs going into Buffalo. I'm feeling a little disrespected here, okay?

We all know where we're at. You don't have to bring it up with the spread. I think, I think the Bills are going to cover that. And then they're going to be like, you know what, we need to save some guys here for the playoffs. And then maybe we get a little back into it. And then we cover it. I feel like they're going to be up 17. They're going to take Josh out.

I don't know if that will take a month. Well, I'll get to be honest with you, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm taking the Patriots, getting 14. Going into Buffalo. Oh, I bet you honest with you, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm taking the Patriots lane, getting 14. Going into Buffalo. All right, you got a lot of points. It's a lot, yeah. All right, I'm gonna take, what not being in is just such that that's, what not being in is tough, dude. Bo Nix is playing good shit. I don't like this week. I like this

week, Paul. I like it, but then I don't because it's too obvious. No, Paul, you know, you said you didn't like it and then I said I liked it. Don't jump on my line like it. You know, it's like, say what you're feeling, Paul. Find your voice on this podcast. It's like, you know, she's pretty, but then she's crazy she's crazy. Now it's one of those weeks that makes it. You know it's like you know she's pretty but it's late. Like they're coming on. Why is she still here? Why is she still here? Why is she single? Why is she single? Why is she talking to me? Hey that one I understand okay. Hey, that one I understand, okay? Uh... All right.

Um, you know what? My initial thing... My initial thing was to go with the Texans getting three and a half. And I'm gonna take the Texans. Getting three and a half from the Chiefs. I mean, Paul, who's gonna argue with you? I mean, look, I don't like... You know, it's the half a point is why I'm doing it.

Let's take the Texans to keep it close. That's my first. I like it. That sounds fun. You know what? I'm going to take the Raiders. Oh. Minus one.

You're playing the Jaguars. Both those teams are in a bad place. Who's the Jags backup quarterback? Bobby Brister? Mac Jones. Mac Jones! Yeah. Me and Mackey. Feels like I'm gonna double down now. Mackey Jones, Mackey Jones, Mackey Jones. And what are the radios got? Mitch Trubicki?

Oh man, yeah they've gone through a bunch of quarterbacks. I think it's they're on Desmond Ritter. If I've never haven't heard much about him. Oh, also, Max Cross, you know what? Fuck that game. Max Cross is out for the year, too. Wow. He is. OK, forget it. Yeah, Max. What happened to him? Some ankle surgery, I guess. I think they're just trying to tank and get Shador Sanders.

Look at you saving me a pick there. All right. Well, then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take the Lions minus six and a half going into what used to be Soldier Field, whatever the hell they did to that. I'm going to go with them. You know, because why not? Why not? You know, I like the half a point because it always fucks you, Jake. That's what I'm looking for. I'm gonna take the Cincinnati Bengals laying. Seven and a half. I think Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to the playoffs.

I think they're playing good right now. The Browns are finito. Let's go. They're gonna blow them out at home. I love saying they win by 20 plus. Yeah, me too. Sorry. I love that pick, dude.

I wish I saw it. Wish I saw it for what it was. I'm gonna take the Rams laying three and a half going into the metal lands. That's fantastic. That's the best. I love that pick. That's the better pick.

I'm gonna drink it over here. No, that's, they look good. That's the better pic. I think that over here. No, that's, they look good. That's what we sound when everybody goes, oh man, that's a good tip. You're all gonna fucking, it fucking goes right down. Oh, it goes down. I'll be on that shit. Go, go, go. My wife is working out.

The Jets. All right. I'm not going to do that. My I'm going to be careful with that pronoun. We'll we'll be alright. It's hot. It's sort of Lee. Well, you got it out there at the end of the day. It's they need the win. They need to win. They gotta bounce

back. They gotta win by three at home. The game's tonight. I'm going to take the Chargers to bounce back tonight and beat the Broncos. Alright. Um know what, Paul? I'm feeling a little dangerous this week. Uh-oh. You know?

I don't know what it is. Just feeling like I need a little confrontation in my life. Hey, bacon was good, all right? Yeah. Yeah. Bacon actually wasn't good. It's so, I don't know what we got. It's super thin.

And I cooked the shit out of it the other day because I'm used to like the other slices we have. I don't know, it's a little too salty. Wait a minute, you cooked the bacon days ago? No, no, no. A few days ago, when I first took this package of bacon out, I'm used to a thicker, this shit was almost see-through. So what's good about it is it cooks up quick,

but even when you dry it off, it just tastes really greasy. Paul, that's not what people tune in for. They don't wanna know about my bacon choices. You gotta pound that shit. You gotta pound that shit then. What movie? Oh, come on. Is that Goodfellas?

No, Casino, when he's going to the car to get a blow job with the showgirl. Oh, is that what he's supposed to do? The car, you can scoot over, honey. Dude, my favorite thing was when he's just getting rid of Sharon Stone and she's screaming and yelling and he's just going, all right, okay. All right, be careful. She's like, I'm not afraid to go to the police.

I'm not afraid. All right. All right. See you later. I really fucked up this time. All right. See you later. It's music. I really fucked up this time. I fucked up. All right. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna take the Cowboys at home, getting four. I hate the pick right as I said it.

I just feel like the Buccaneers are gonna ease up, you know, if Baker's a little bit hurt. I don't know, Paul, I got nothing. I've been underwater. Do we finish the script? We finished the script. Congratulations. I gotta polish it today and tomorrow,

and then we hand it in. Oh, and then I put my freckled feet up, Paul, and I wonder where my fall went. That's amazing, congrats. Thank you, I think it's gonna be, for those of you who liked old dads, I wrote it wrote it with Ben Tishler again and we're we're psyched. We had no ending With the endings the hearts. How do we do a fucking ending? That isn't cliched or isn't like that's from Hollywood. How would this shit really end but still be satisfying?

We fucking walked across the street had nothing got a cup of cup of coffee, sat down, drank, talked, and then came back and all of a sudden it just fucking. That's the best. When you're writing, when you get stuck, go for a walk ball. Let the horses run. You gotta get the fuck out of there. By the way, dude, I saw one of the last,

I saw the last episode of, the series episode, the ending, final ending of Yellowstone. Dude, I don't know. I don't know if it could have, it could be done better as far as the ending of something. But to the point where it was so real and realistic of something that comes to an end, that I was literally just really sad. I was just sad. The way they did it was fucking amazing. What level sad? Are we talking end of football season sad? No, like like packing up your grandparents house after they died and you're just walking out with the last box sad.

That's really sad. Yeah, like like a room that your whole life was furnished and you're playing in and then you just take those hollow steps and it's empty and you walk out and close the door with the last box set. It was dude, I'm not gonna lie to you. You're taking your Dominique Wilkins poster off the wall. One by one slowly. Yeah.

Yeah. Remember when you pushed those in? But as you're doing it, you glance out the window and rehash playing soccer in that yard. Oh, I mean, dude, it was- This is making me not want to watch the last episode. No, but you know, like the way sometimes I want to go out, blaze a fire, just, you know, this was not that. This was like, oh, this is how it is when things end, but still a good episode.

So I thought it was fantastic. It's too bad that Taylor Sheridan and Kevin Costner didn't get along because it would have been good. But the good news is Cole Hauser, Cole Hauser, who plays Rip, was an amazing character. And Beth, who are together, who was Kevin Costner's daughter in it, Kellyuser, who plays Rip, was an amazing character. And Beth, who are together, who was Kevin Costner's daughter in it, Kelly Riley, who was so incredible. It took me like three seasons to realize

that she was British in an interview. One of the best characters ever. They have a spinoff coming on now on their ranch and it's gonna be great. So I'm excited about that. Anyways, I'm getting soft in my old soft in my old age okay. Did you show us just a funny line. What they have a spin off on their ranch. You know you're watching a cowboy show. That's like the real housewives of car of cowboys instead of going to a different

city they go to a different dude ranch. Oh man. We're gonna ride the horses different here, man. Not like the last ranch. Do we have one more pick? You made four, Paul. I think Bill may have one more. Oh, come on, don't do that. Don't do that. No, Bill went first.

I went first. Yeah, you went first, no not bad. Yeah, then I don't know. So I have to- Okay, well you just saw there was a rare mistake by Jake the Snake. Rare mistake. Apparently, Paul has one more. All right, so I got... Yeah.

Call him Paulie Pickham. Paulie numbers. Here's a game that I just... Here's a flip of a coin. The Dolphins... Paulie the Book. The Dolphins are laying... No, the 49ers are laying one in Miami. Is Miami eliminated Jake? Um, I don't know if they're officially eliminated. That was a

bad loss last week. That line flipped the night. The dolphins opened up minus one and a half. And so I think a lot of people are on the Niners. Um, but yeah, both those teams are I'm going to take, I I'm gonna see if the Niners... One of these teams is getting a kill shot. I'm gonna take the home team. I'm gonna take the Dolphins getting one point at home. They've disappointed me every fucking week. Paul, I don't even like...

The level of your game, Paul. The level of your game. I'm just... No, I'm saying to you, the old Paul Verzi. The old Paul Verzi, the old Paul Verzi, you cashed in your 401k to put it on the fucking 49ers. Yeah, you know, it's a pick-up. The Paul Verzi I used to be.

This new Paul Verzi. I don't even know, you're just playing the game on a, it's like when Chris Everett Lloyd told Martina Navratolotta to start lifting weights. And then she never won another one. We'll see. They've been bad for me all year, the Dolphins. All right, well, let's get to the Monday night special. Yes.

Andrew, are you there? Yeah, he's there. Okay, that'd be amazing if none of this was recorded. You got all four. We got four each? Yeah. Yeah, you're good. And you just said the Dolphins, so that's your last pick.

Alright, Bill. Monday night is the Saints and Packers, and the Packers are laying 14 and a half. Oh, it's a big one. Dude, I'm trying to think the last time I saw a spread this big ever on Monday Night Football. They're usually pretty good games that they picked the Thursday ones are a little, a little rough because people are banged up and shit. But yeah, 14 and a half fucking points. All right. Over under is 42.

Over under is 42 in the fucking point spread. So they're basically saying the Saints are going to score what 10 points? the and they said he was a kid that transferred to Oklahoma, but they're saying it's really bad right now with him. Yeah. He almost thought they were going with Eric Hipple Jr. Remember a guy named Temple? This 160 year old gets that reference. Bobby A. Bear coming back from the Michigan Panthers. Art, Mary, and the L.A. titles. Archie Manning.

I mean, dude, have we ever taken a faith? Have we ever taken a favorite that big in this together on a Monday night rooting for that? Hey, Paul, how about for our holiday? Our holiday hang? We do a fucking zoom you and me

and we watch the game smoking a stick. Not a zoom, whatever, FaceTime, whatever the kids call this shit. Well, I would do it, of course. All right, no pressure. I mean, who am I? Hey, fucking Johnny Esposito. Oh, you remembered, you got it right. Yeah, Johnny Esposito.

I mean, Paul, I'm Johnny Esposito. I'm just standing there. Dude, I'm on the 18th green. The president of the United States starts walking towards me. And I'm like, he's got to be coming over for somebody else. And he just he goes, Hey, Johnny. And I'm looking like, you know, Johnny Weissmiller, who's here? Johnny Esposito. Who am I? Paul. Paul, this is the president of the United States. I'm fucking Johnny Esposito just fucking standing there. I got a big gulp and a putter in my hand.

He comes walking right, I didn't even know he knew my name. I'm just a guy that puts one leg in, what is it? Yeah, I'm gonna fuck that up, you know, I'm fucking. You go one leg at a time in the pants. One leg at a time in the pants. One leg at a time in the pants. One leg at a time in the pants. Dude, I just can't, I can't get it.

He puts his pants on one leg at a time. What was he gonna do was the other one? The one that you did? Uh, uh, uh, beat a head, beat a dead horse while it's down, kick a horse while it's down instead of a dead horse. Yeah, you don't want to kick a horse while it's down. No, you don't want to kick a man when he, don't kick a man when he's down and you don't beat a dead horse.

You don't kick a horse when he's down. Paul, you've been doing mashups before mashups. the money lines on the back. Where's the fun in that? Yeah, there's no fun in that. You're right. There's no fun in that. That's just fucking, you know, that's like slapping an ice cream cone out of fucking. I can't see it. Gordon, you wanna give the Saints a little bit of dignity and we take the Saints start in the game 14 and a half and hopefully they get an early score or something. I don't know.

You know what the hard part is, is I like both fan bases. I've done stand up. We both done stand up. I had a great time in Appleton and who doesn't have a good time in New Orleans? Hey, this ain't personal. This is business. It's not personal.

It looks bad. It's not personal. It's business. Have you been to Lambeauville? Yes. Oh man. I went there one time. I watched a pre-season game,

Brett Farr versus the Browns. I got a great picture or something and then somebody stole my camp, like broke into my apartment, took some things and I lost original Soldier Field picture of me in it and Curly Lambeau before they added more seats up to the top. Oh man.

And Brett Farr was there. It was only a pre-season game and then I was supposed to go to the game with you and Bartnik and I was doing that movie so I had to leave. Me and Bartnik went to one. We stayed and it was cold and we're drinking. We got into this billionaire's party.

It's a whole thing, but we were just sitting there hammered in the thing. And every once in a while Bartnik would look all good. Oh wait, I went years later. I went with Nate Craig and all my buddies from Massachusetts. We went to a Seahawks Packers game. That's right. So I ended up getting to a regular season game up there. It's fucking amazing.

I was going to say, how'd you get into that party? But Bartnik probably just walked in holding a cigar and they couldn't stop. No, it was me, dude. They gave us this, the guy that owns it also owns a hockey league, a hockey team in a little arena. And they were giving out, they were like, Oh, you guys get to go tailgate inside. And they were like, you could go get vodka cranberry. And it was shitty vodka. And it was horrible. And I fucking went to the bathroom and I see this glass room with this woman decorating it with all high end bottles of vodka. So I go, what's going on

in here? And I was already kind of half saucesauce, so I open up and I put my head in. She goes, oh, hey, like typical nice Wisconsin. I go, what's going on? She goes, oh, so-and-so's having a party. It was the guy who owned the whole thing. And I go, oh, yeah, I go, me and my buddy are in town for, you know, I'm doing stand-up. And she goes, oh, really? I go, yeah, I go, this looks awesome. She goes, oh, you know, if you guys want to sneak in, oh, you come in. And we went in and we sat there and then the billionaire showed up. It was fun. And then Barton hit it off with him. They it was so funny, man. It worked out great.

Did he call in the hit on Epstein while you were standing there? Or did that happen later? That happened later. It would be great if you just heard some fucking billionaire talk. Oh, yeah. No, it was not. The World War Three is next weekend. Not two weeks next weekend. We're going into China. Who's the guy with the beard? We'll get him out of here. All right, let's pick the game here. Paul. What do you

want? Are the Saints gonna come marching in? Are the Packers gonna send them packing? What do you like? the game. I'm going to send them packing. They're in the playoffs and then Houston's a game behind them. Yeah, well Houston a game behind. They're probably gonna try to get some home field. I think we take, I think we go for the blowout. Let's do it. Jordan love to throw one. Packers 14 and a half. What's the over under? 42. Shit to him. Maybe take Josh Jacobs. Bill likes the over. I like the over too and with all those points, let's do that. Let's do Packers over. Yeah, I'm going to go with Jake. to run one in and he's having a great year. Let's do it. All right. Yeah.

Okay. So we'll do the Packers. We'll do Josh Jacobs to score and we'll do Jordan Love to throw one. Jordan Love to throw one. I can't believe it's week 16. A day early next week since I think next Wednesday is Christmas. So is it Wednesday? Yeah, Christmas is Wednesday.

I'll see you guys on Wednesday. Paul, you know, pencil in that will do it Monday. Pencil in the cigar. You know, if you can do it, you can do it if you can't. Yeah, maybe we'll do it Monday because Christmas Eve, you know, go be with the family. So we're gonna have one more show before Christmas. We got one more before Christmas. Christmas is Friday, right? Wednesday. Wednesday. No fuck out of here. It's

Wednesday. It's Wednesday. What the hell's today? Thursday. Thursday. No, the fucking number of 19. Oh, I thought it was like the 17th. I know. It's crazy. Okay. All right. Hey, you've been in the writer's room too long. Okay. No, dude, believe me. Yeah. Believe me. Oh, well, congratulations on finishing. That's awesome. I haven't seen Bill. I haven't seen Bill without him either coming from or going to a writer's room just sandwiched every podcast he's done in the past like, you know, eight weeks. So yeah, but it was, it was, I was going to say it was worth it. I don't know.

I'm just, just happy I'm done. All right. Now we have to go polish the script, Paul. You know why Paul? Cause writing is rewriting. Uh, Paul to just steer it into a tree. All right. That's it.

Everybody. That's it. You have our picks. You got the Monday night special. Download the app, use our code, BurrB, you are our per least 10 bucks in, and you'll get 1,500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, you just gotta wait

for the first wager to be settled. There you go. Have a great week. Enjoy week 16. For myself and Jake the Snake and Bill and the Greek Freak, we will see you guys next week. Gamble responsibly and have fun. Enjoy your family's happy holidays.

We'll see you. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are gonna share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm gonna make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's gonna be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away to walk around. I'm gonna make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's gonna be a whole thing.

You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb. It's homey, it's not big. It's a good little energy. And I think, you know, while I'm gone, having people stay there,

good way to make a little extra money, put towards some gifts for people. It just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle. So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.