Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Adapting to Parenthood - with Chessie King

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Why it's important to not forget to still prioritise yourself as a mother? Why you shouldn't be afraid to ask for help? And how to stay patient with your other half whe things get tough?Chessie King joins us this week, founder of Welcome to Babyhood to chat everything from early life on social media to mum guilt to why a mum feels more guilty leaving a child to go away with their friends than a dad does.Do you have a question for us? Get in touch on our Whatsapp, that's 07599927537.---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mum's the Word, the parenting podcast. I'm George Jones and I'm your host for this week. And this week my baby turned six. So he was six on Saturday and we had a party for him. It was all rainbow themed, requested by Cooper and it was lovely. We had a great time. So happy birthday to my little boy Cooper. Cannot believe I am six years into this parenting journey. Today's guest is Chessie King, the founder of Welcome to Babyhood, a platform to support, guide and empower parents through their first 40 days. She has amassed over 700,000 followers on Instagram with her uncensored takes on womanhood, describing it as a giant girls group chat.

And I'm very lucky because she's one of my best mates. So I am a big part of that girls group chat. And what I must say is that Chessie King Carter, now she's married, is exactly the human she presents online. That is everything you get when you meet her in person. Welcome to the show, my gorgeous friend, Chessie King. Now, you, you might not agree, but I'm going to say it, are the OG in the content creating world of everything when it comes to being positive about your body and who you are. I love you for that. Thank you. When you say OG,

that's just a nice way of saying that you're really old. You're not because you're younger than me. I know, I know, but you're old in the business. You're a grandma. You're an Instagramma. That's it. Instagram. Instagram. Yeah. It's funny because when we used to do it, obviously we've both kind of done it for the same amount of time. And when back in, I mean, I don't even know when it was everyone's like when did you start I'm like well decades ago but the reason behind the um feeling like we've done it for our entire lives is because we did it before video content and imagine Instagram without video

content like we just did squares that was all it was just a square there wasn't even carousels there wasn't carousels there wasn't video stories there wasn't stories we knew life before instagram like this this is madness our kids are not going to know this chess no they're not they're not and it's going to be glued to their hands and no i think trends come back around like dog tooth came back in and that then I was wearing it in Paris and I was like why am I wearing dog teeth when years ago it wasn't cool and then years before that it was cool and crimped hair crimped hair you were rocking the crimped hair it looked really good really good thank you G I think I'm trying to basically relive the parts of me that were so like vibrant and exuberant and I think we've talked about this like a lot with motherhood that you used to be like just a

firework and like when you're a mother you kind of have to reignite that and it takes you oh it takes you a long time to get back there doesn't't it? It does. And I think you don't always realise that you're not being that person anymore, that you're not that. Because I remember in the early days on social media with you, it was all like all fun. And then you had a child, obviously Ray, Aurelia, who's beautiful. And I remember thinking, oh, she's not quite as like wild on social media. But recently, and I said this to you didn't

I the other day when we're having dinner I said I feel like you're coming back again I can see this like brightness in your face and you're getting your well you did a post about it actually you said about getting your colour back didn't you yeah I think it's definitely not an original quote from me at all but it rung true with me and the metaphor that i used when i was trying to explain it to one of my best friends who doesn't have a child is like remembering the first phone you had like a nokia used to play snake on it and that nokia it wasn't capable of the things that your iPhone now does or whatever phone you use. It's still the same concept. So we're still ourselves.

Just we didn't realize how much we could do before we had children. And now that we are mothers, I look back and I'm like, I'm almost doing a disservice, like an injustice to my old self that I want to be her again because I don't want to I don't want to be her because I've morphed like it's like a metamorphosis like you I've created this new dimension of being able to do the things that I never thought I could do and that Nokia never thought that your phone would be able to do the things it does now yeah back when you were 12 and got your your phone would be able to do the things it does now yeah back when you were 12 and got your your phone so I try to think of it as like anytime I go oh I mourn the old me or I'm it's not mourning the old me it's actually wishing that I had the freedom and the

capacity the brain capacity to do the things I used to do. But actually now I'm more of a human. I haven't lost anything. I've gained a lot like patience. And isn't it amazing what we can do? I just think it's phenomenal. Totally Chess. And like, that's the thing like that. And you're right in that, like you never gonna be the person you were

before you had a kid, but it's not a negative thing. We're just progressing. our little brains and everything are like um progressing in their journey aren't they and as much as we might like mourn you know our old independent not having to keep another person alive life we can get a different version of it again eventually. It's just learning how we get it, isn't it? That's it. And you hear so much about find pockets of me time.

And sometimes when you're in the depths of sleep deprivation and you're just drowning and like washing and all of the things, you've got sore tits and all of that, it's hard to know what me time is because when your husband or your partner or whoever you co-parent with or whoever helps you with the baby goes off with the baby and you have an hour that hour then becomes your washing hour or your let's put on the dishes like it's like taking yourself away from that home environment and almost like yourself away from that home environment and almost like remembering what you used to want to do and what you used to kind of do so frivolously like without even why did I use a word I can't even think I've always been like this with other people but actually being with others

charges me up like it's almost like I just plug myself in I'm with other people sometimes I want me time alone but actually just being around people and not just talking about children or whatever yeah really helps and I think you have to ask yourself like what did I used to love doing that's obviously just one example like I yeah there's so many things but yeah there's there's a lot to rediscover and it's a beautiful process like it took me probably about two years to fully feel like oh wow this is my body this is my time this is do you know what I love that you're doing at the moment as well is you're showing you being out and about without. You're showing that you can be a mother that works

and that travels and that, you know, does other things. You're showing that you can work out and that'd be a positive thing. And it's not because we're doing this like dreaded snapback thing that everybody, but do you know what I've come to realize recently? I don't know whether you feel the same way, is that it's actually okay if we do want to work out for our mind and our body.

Because I was like, I saw someone post something the other day and they were like, oh, I'm working out for my mind, not for my bum or something. I'm like, I'm working out for both. I want a perp bum. And there's nothing wrong with yeah absolutely i i really feel like we've kind of gone so far away and especially with like the incredible body confidence era that has kind of happened and whatever but I'm exactly the same however I do it for my mind my body and my future

self and I genuinely have had such a like it's almost shifted like flipped my perception on moving and my mum talks a lot about it about how when you're 80 you want to be able to run with your grandchildren or take your dog for a walk or travel around the world and be able to carry your own suitcase or all these things that actually are so much more important than like putting on a bikini right now and having 12 abs but it's just so nice to have that like awareness and that respect for our future us yeah so when I created babyhood I wanted there to be four pillars body brain feeding and sleep and my your body's best friend in babyhood which is an online video course is Claire Bourne and she's a phenomenal postnatal physiotherapist she talks a lot about

keeping like the lack of strength you feel after a vaginal birth or after a cesarean I can only speak from experience and I had a cesarean you are literally starting what feels like from scratch but you're only building on what you already knew but it's in it's almost a time to look at it and go right this is like full-on recovery how can I do things properly how can I prevent injury how can I how can I feel as strong as I possibly can so I can pick up my daughter whilst I or son whilst I have shopping and all these things that really do just make you appreciate everything after pregnancy because I was so sick during pregnancy I couldn't even move I think I did maybe three workout sessions in nine months and when I say workout sessions I think I was just on a bike and um and so now I'm like how

lucky am I to be able to move my body without pain without being sick without having a massive tub like bump in front of me and so I think it's just all these things that happen you really do and it's like a daily thing it doesn't just happen within like a snap you have to really like just like you have to expand your idea or your ideals. Yeah, so you had, what was it called? That's it. Say it with confidence. Hyperemis gravisomthingus. It's literally like a spell.

Hyperemesis gravidarum. That's it. So yeah, for anybody that doesn't know, a chest suffered with that, didn't you, when you were preggers? Yeah, pretty gross. Just being sick lots and lots and lots of times. And I didn't even know it was a thing until I was experiencing it.

And I think it is quite, maybe not unknown, because like my auntie said, you're very lucky suffering with what the princess suffered from. And I was like, that 30 times a of day like being sick 30 times a day is pretty lucky actually um yeah I feel good yeah if the royals do it yeah if the royals do it then you're yeah I'm a king so I'm in that bracket but it was pretty debilitating and it definitely definitely made me question having another one and it's one of the reasons why I've left it um a little bit longer than a lot of my friends you being not one of them because you're very sensible but a lot of um yeah and I think we've had the conversation multiple times like

just being like is this it am I am I just extremely grateful for having one healthy child and is that enough for me? Do I really want to put myself through that again, mentally, physically? And I think we both experience, obviously, we're both each other's therapists when we're together. And I just love that. Like you can pay a stranger to listen to your problems, but actually, sometimes your best friend is all you need to to chat to and it's more powerful sometimes and I feel like we've both talked a lot about those like we we did it at very different times but we saw each other from like a outside perspective how much we really

suffered in that first year and how much we were not expecting that I mean I remember holding Cooper so Georgia I could tell so Georgia likes to back away from help and you still do it but yeah it was like she was like no she was like literally retracting and I could just tell and I was like right what do you need done she's like I need my nails done doing I have not had my nails done since I had Cooper and I was like right I'm coming I'm sitting in that nail salon and I'm folding him whilst you get your nails done since I had Cooper and I was like right I'm coming I'm sitting in that nail salon and I'm holding him whilst you get your nails done and he was tiny and I think for a friend sometimes in that really those really early stages mainly because you're exhausted and you just sometimes feel like no one wants to spend time with me because I just don't have any

personality and maybe because you also don't know where you need the help I think it's really hard to say yes to it and I've hindsight's a beautiful thing isn't it but I think you have to be really specific with what you need from a friend or a family member when they say can I come and help you if you say oh no don't worry it's fine but you in the back of your head you're like oh but there's that washing to do or there's that yeah dog to take for a walk whatever or actually all I do all I do need is someone just to hold them whilst I get something done for myself and if you are in that right now or if you're going to go through it again I think just being really specific and be like actually you know? If you could come over and just tidy up what I left from this morning because my partner's gone off to work.

That's all I need. Yeah. Do you know, and honestly, Ches, for all the listeners, that I think, because you were forceful with it in the best possible way. Because you were like, no, I am coming over and I am helping. Because I was. because you were like, no, I am coming over and I am helping. Because I was, and in the early days, and I've talked about this before, I was in complete denial and I was trying to prove myself to everybody,

thinking if I can't do this all myself, I am failing. Because I was the first of, like, everyone to have babies, as in, like, friendship group. I didn't have, apart from my sister, but my sister was just very maternal. And she's a doctor that looks after babies. So, you know, she knows what she's doing. And I just didn't want to fail. And me accepting help was failing.

Anyway, Chess pushed herself into my life and took that little Cooper away from me. And honestly, it was one of the best mornings of my life. Anyone listening, it is so important to ask for that help, even if it is something as materialistic as getting your nails done. Because I've always had my nails done. It's just been my thing. And the fact that I had roots, I didn't have my nails done, I just felt really unkept was a big thing for me. And it was something that I needed to make me feel better about myself. And it's like, even just sleep, like, you know, if that's all you ask for, just come and sit with the baby whilst I sleep. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to make conversation. I have to make you a cup of tea. I just, I'm really tired. Just having someone in the house as well I feel like just just having that other person in the house that you know I only trained as a doula

to basically to learn how to be more helpful to my friends that have children yeah I just think it's so important like whenever anyone says oh my best friend's having a baby how can I help them I'm like well one buy babyhood two listen to mum's the word podcast and three just go over and sit with them or just go over and without even asking put on that wash because no one's gonna no one's gonna say unless you're best best best friends with them or your mum say oh can you put my dirty knickers that have probably got skidders in and probably all blood i'm still bleeding from postpartum can you just put them across for me please but like yeah if you just do it it's the best present anyone i don't want your baby grows i don't want all the fancy rattles and the cute little muslins i just want you to come

and clean my knickers no i want you to clean the skiddies off my knickers and a cuddle would be great thank you that would be fantastic because I seem to be giving a lot here but actually talking about cuddling and we won't go too far into this because obviously everyone's situation is different but I feel like every mum I speak to has just that feeling of like, I want to be mothered myself. And sometimes we just can't do that. Like I try and say to a lot of moms that I follow whatever they're like, I just I don't know what to do because I'm giving myself away. And I'm like, right, one, you've got to be vocal with your partner and

say this is what I'm able to do but this is what I really need your help on and or actually just ask them like what do you enjoy doing out of all of the parenting things because I remember Matt used to hate bath time and I was like I love bath time because I just get get in the bath with her and she just like it was it was just calm like very calm and everyone used to say get into water it just solves everything so I knew he didn't want to do bath time whereas like there were things that he was he enjoyed a lot more than me so we kind of worked that out through communication but then the whole muddling yeah well yeah we're trying the whole communication thing it's really hard to say what exactly what you want but in in a really respectful way just

be like look this is where I'm at I'm at nine well I'm at ten percent and you seem to be charged up because you've gone to work so would you be able to just step in here like tap in tap out and sometimes it does feel like you're tag teaming so coming back together and doing things together like having a dinner before they go to sleep and just having the baby around like there are things that feel really impossible to do but with two people it does kind of feel a little bit more possible however I was going to say the mothering thing like with their chauffeurs with their chefs with their milkshake machines even if you're feeding them with a bottle you're constantly making milk for them with what like whatever and i feel like we become all these roles to them like their massager their barter their everything and we forget to do all of those things for ourselves so I always try to say

like as much as sometimes you don't have the energy to mother yourself like do all those things make that meal for yourself when you've fed them we just get lost don't we under the pile and yeah we do we're bottom aren't we i'm right now i'm second are you who's bottom i'm second i'm second in command i feel like i've definitely pushed myself higher i keep like i look at the washing now i'm like oh you can wait just wait for me you you can go down the farm i'll stay up do you know what i found a little bit i found like two things happened i lost my voice a little bit with everything and my ability to go can you just do that or i felt like that was me being like demanding and naggy my mindset has obviously changed now but in the early days and then i felt like i just lost all my confidence in asking, like, Danny to do something.

And, like, it was just such a big ask. And I eventually, like, got to thinking, we're both equal here in this parent journey. Like, why should I feel guilty about asking? Or why should I even be asking, can I go out tonight? Can I go for dinner with my friend tonight? I got to a point where I was like, why am I asking permission? What's going on? Who is this person? Where's Georgia gone? Someone once said to me, they were like, that is so unlike you. You would just be like, no, I'm not doing that. Like, this is this. Like, you know, I've always been very very honest and vocal with my opinions and it went like completely

it's back I see that and when when did you feel like that shifted how many years postpartum or how many years was maybe last year five years in gee that is wild it took a long time like I don't think you realize though we've talked about about this before, haven't we, Chess? Like, you don't realize how you're being. You don't realize that you've lost a bit of you or that you're not as bright or your sparkle's gone a little bit. Like, I always say, like,

I look back at photos of like early days and I just look so, my eyes look like dead. Like, I'm smiling, but there's nothing there. I can see it. It makes me sad actually when I look back at those photos because I'm like, I wish I wasn't, didn't look like fed up, but you know, is what it is. It doesn't matter what you do as a parent,

as long as you're happy, as long as your kid sees the happy you if your thing is you're really good at doing like role playing with them i am not good at that but like for example and that's what they love and like that's like really fun time for you great that's your thing you you go with that and if you shit at uh cooking fine they're not going to remember you for that they're going to remember you you for the really fun things that you did with them yeah I love that I am awful with cooking with Ray I just can't deal with the mess I think you see all these YouTubers that are like me and my two-year-old I'm like what what who's cleaning up who is cleaning up because I it's the eggs of the eggs oh yeah and I'm like don't

don't eat the raw egg I just can't it's not for me and I'm never gonna be that mum that cooks with their child when you say you look back on photos I kind of listened back to a few voice notes before I had like a full-on meltdown when I text the golden Girls group, which G is in, and I basically said, is anyone free? And everyone knew that that was a call for help. I wasn't like, because I'm very much like, and I've said this to quite a few of my friends, I'm very aware that everyone has their own shit going on in their lives. And sometimes you're not in the right headspace or you don't have the capacity to help your friend who is in desperate need. all my friends were like no no no no we would drop everything and be there for you like as a friend you are but i know that a lot of my friends have lost family members and whatever and that they're grieving and sometimes they just don't want to hear that's how i felt they don't

want to hear my share but actually all of you said no chess seriously we'd be there so this was before and I remember voice noting I was voice noting Bronte my sister and my mum and I just remember saying I can't believe I'm finding it this hard like why I'm finding it this difficult and I still have moments of that I really like understood why because there was this thing that I read the other day that said we've been told our whole lives to get good grades from exams or like to learn all the steps to then get we've been like molded by the system of like school to be good at things and to be right at things and actually being a mother you're not told there is no right or wrong it's literally just personal for you obviously there are things that are wrong um but

we're talking like there's that constant question of like first time mum am i doing this right is this meant to feel like this because you've got nothing to compare it to apart from like obviously experience and time of being a parent you can look back and go oh well i just care too much feel like this because you've got nothing to compare it to apart from like obviously experience and time of being a parent you can look back and go oh well I just care too much about that I really shouldn't have and all of those things that yeah but I think there's so much power in just accepting that there are going to be days that feel impossible and then there are going to be days and sometimes not even days just moments and pockets of like oh this is so worth it but there are still moments where I laugh at the Chessie that thought she'd

have six children and like literally a football team worth of children and now I'm questioning whether I even want a second. Hi all it's TV's Gail Porter here. I am so excited to tell you that I am joining the Paranormal Activity family and will be hosting a number of live podcast recordings across the UK. The first is on the 6th of March at London's haunted Richmond Theatre. Expect terrifying tales, audience interaction and hopefully a spirit or two. I can't wait for you to join me and to hear your own paranormal experiences. You can find tickets at www.paranormalpod.co.uk. I put something on social media the other day

and said something like, I think Cooper is going to be our only one. Loads of people messaged and they were like, wow, it's amazing that you've said that. And I was like, why? It makes no difference. It makes no difference whether you've got one or six. And you and me were really similar in our parenting journeys in that sense

of that you and me both were like, yeah, we'll probably have like three. And then we had one and we were both like, yeah, I think we might be done. That might be enough. Yeah. And then we look at all of our friends with two under two and we're like, you're not selling it to us. Yeah. Oh, my God. My best friends, they've got two under two are all like yeah don't do it don't do

it I mean I'm so past the two under two stage I don't think I'll ever do that but there is that constant like do I really want this again and it's not just you it's your partner and like we've been very open Matt and I maybe not on social media because it's quite a personal thing, but I'm sure he won't mind me talking about like the feelings that he's had as well, that like responsibility of becoming a father and also just like it's that dynamic between you, it shifts completely and so I see all these like how to keep the spark alive with your husband after being together for 10 years and having four children and it's like booking a date night every week i'm like who's looking after your kids and how yeah how you're doing that and also like come on if we're billionaires okay right we'll get a living nanny and we'll have a date night absolutely yeah so we've had that discussion multiple times of do we want to go through this again and

sometimes one partner wants it more than the other and that's a really hard dynamic because it's a really hard conversation to have because you came first and yeah then put future children and in hope that we would be able to have future children before your relationship just you two is really difficult especially when you want different things yeah and the thing is as well like when it is just you two before you have a kid you can put your full energy into that other person and of course when you have a baby you can't you cannot put every single bit of you into your husband or your partner anymore, because it's impossible. And that's why we end up being at the bottom of the pile, because we're

trying to keep everybody happy. We're like, you know, our husband still needs us, but our baby needs us. Where's the time for me to be me? And think that's it it's the progression of being a mother and you eventually a light bulb moment something goes off and you go oh my god I know what I need I need to do this and I need to do this I need to do this I think you and me have both realized what it is that we need to do where we need to go who we need to spend time with to set our little spark back off again. Yeah, definitely. I love that. And I think on social media, I find the comments that say, how are you spending so much time away from Aurelia? Really interesting. I don't, I don't find them offensive in any way because I'm like the 80% of my life that I spend with Ray, I'm

fully with her, but I don't show her on Instagram. So what I don't show her face on Instagram. So why? Like, it's difficult. And I also don't want to just be like, on the phone, I never am on my phone with her. So you don't see those bits, whereas you're gonna see the 20% where I am off on a brand trip. And it looks like I'm on multiple hen do's in one week and that has happened I'm feeling slightly fragile like that time with her I'm not going to show online because it's it's it's our time it's precious it's amazing and just because you're not seeing it on social media it doesn't mean it's not happening I like find that just so yeah I think, what is the point in feeling that guilt?

And I know it's easier said than done to not feel guilty. It's an emotion that comes up like anger, like happiness, like frustration. But guilt, I've never felt guilty because I know that when I'm with her, I am fully with her. And I know that that first year of her life, I spent maximum half an hour away from her because she was super glued to my tip the whole time yeah you know you know you've done the best you can as a mom you know that you have been mum and you are mum and the thing is if the dad goes off and he's

at multiple statues and away all the time nobody questions them do they but when we're away well who's looking after your child probably the dad because you know they're at home so that's how parenting tends to work people don't ask

and then that's when we get like shamed that's where I think that's where like the mum shaming happens and the mum guilt bit comes in is that people are like, so why are you looking after your child? It's like, I am looking after my child, but I'm also allowed to look after me and go and do things I want to do because I'm still a person.

Like your life does not stop when you have a child. That's not the way it's meant to be. Somebody said to me, you can either have a child, but your whole life will stop or you never have a child and your life continues. I'd be like, right, yeah, I probably won't have a child then. Yeah, the latter. Selfish as it is, like selfish in a really good way.

I also want to live a life. That is why I'm alive. I've been brought on the planet to live. Absolutely. And do things I want to do. life that is why I'm alive I've been brought on the planet to live absolutely things I want to do yeah absolutely and also we want Cooper and Aurelia to see us doing those things because I want her to go oh how long was that that mum was just like in Morocco and then went to Paris and like she's not gonna go why did you leave me because I'm gonna come back and we're gonna have the best time when we're together like I just find it funny that judgment and that like there are always going to be people that judge you

whether that's immediate family like oh you're not doing that right or all friends or strangers and I just think oh it's hard enough as it is so just go away yeah just don't just don't bother I do want to ask you i actually mentioned it in the intro and you've mentioned it a couple of times but i then didn't go into it because we like to go off on tangents don't we but um welcome to babyhood two questions first one is what made you develop it but the second one is also what exactly is it for anybody that doesn't know what it is and might want to have a look at it it's an online video course for new parents in the first 40 days and it literally takes you through from the moment you get home you get a video per expert so brain body feeding

sleeping and they are bite-sized videos for you to watch when the baby is hopefully sleeping or when you're just like, how, what do I do? And I created it with four experts who are phenomenal and they help support me through pregnancy, through postpartum, post-party. And I've tried to bring them all together and make it really accessible, really affordable because I was buying this sleep course literally at 6 p.m i was like i just needed to sleep and i'd be like binge watching all the 150 pounds video course that i spent like this american lady who was basically like put them down awake not asleep and i was like i know that i just really want someone to help me with my brain so i kind of just

someone to help me with my brain so I kind of just put what I knew would help and I just made what I needed to hear at that point and I mean I was I think Ray was three days old when I said to Matt I think I'm gonna make something for people that are feeling the same way as me and my mail could obviously just come in and I was like I just want parents to feel like they can be helped and supported in a way that like you feel like they're all in the room with you so we are well i am when i say we it's hilarious because it's literally just me so i am creating a new pillar called play it's the play pillar and it's basically how to interact because i found it i'm sure you did i found it it really, really overwhelming. The whole, when do I actually play with them in between the serious bits of changing them

and trying to put them to sleep? Like, when do we get that funnel point? When do we even get that? And I think that's what it's missing. So we've got a play element with an incredible play expert. Then we have holding your hand through IVF and beyond, which is coming in a few months. So that's inspired by a lot of my friends that have been through IVF and talk incredibly openly about it and not necessarily positively.

So I wanted to help those that are going through it for the first time or maybe the fourth time. And then I really want to, and this is just future projections, do a surrogacy and adoption course because I understand that families grow in so many different ways. And sometimes you can't carry your own child and it will all be real families and real stories backed up by experts with the knowledge and the science and the qualifications. You're a little modern day Mother Teresa. I think Chess needs some kind of like OBE or MBA. I don't know what they stand for. Knighted. You could knight me. When she gets like knighted. I don't deserve a knighthood.

The experts on the course deserve a knighthood. I love you. One thing I do want to cover, because me and Chess are very similar in this sense, is that our husbands are away quite a lot. And a lot of it falls on us, doesn't it? And we've had a number of conversations about it because it's actually quite hard, isn't it? Because often it might be very, very last on us to, if both parties are, both parties sounds very serious.

But both members of the couple are busy and it's a husband wife relationship as opposed to, you know, two men or two women. to two men or two women. It always falls on the woman to be the one that organizes childcare or has to stop doing whatever it is that they want to do or that they've got planned. Because for some reason it seems that like they're still and it shouldn't be a thing. This hierarchy where the men get to do even just going for a run i remember when rain was tiny and matt used to just leave the house to go for a run and i was

like how are you doing that like i've just stuck your heart you know i don't know when to like how are you even managing to get out the house and that freedom starts from literally the moment and that's where i think the moment and that's where I think the resentment builds up and especially when they go away like I've got to say I go away quite a lot for work as well and Matt says that um he's tallying it up so it's actually a competition now who goes away the most as in I'm like mate no no, we don't do that. But I do find that... No, no, we can't. One of my friends said the other day, the amount of days that they go away for,

that they are away for, correlates with the amount of hours it takes me to warm up to him. So if he's been away for 10 days, then it's going to take me 10 hours to warm up to you again, mate, because you've been away for far too long. Yeah. But it's funny because when he's away for work it's fine I know that he's away for work however when he's away on a stag do or just on

a golf weekend with his mates I have a very different level of patience for him it just boils up doesn't it and I think this is the thing is that you know when you said before like Matt could go on a run and you'd be like how how have you gone on a run? Because they don't ask, they go. And this is the thing, we sit there and we're like, God, oh no, I'd feel terrible if I went for a run night right now, because that would mean I'd have to, you know, be void of any responsibility for half an hour whilst I go on this run. I couldn't possibly do that and leave my husband to fend for himself and our child. And he's like, why is that how our brains work? It's mad.

And it takes me a lot to think, right, don't be pissed off. Because when you go away, I don't want him to feel the same way. But yeah, they're obviously, they're natural. And I think, do you know what I really like doing when Matt is away? I write, I don't actually send it, but sometimes I write, like if I'm feeling a little bit like, I start to raise it, scream on the spot. That evening or whenever I have a moment,

I like write out a message that I would send, but I don't send it. And then I just feel a bit lighter. I'm like, oh, well, I've said it. He didn't need to hear it, but I've said it. And then maybe when he comes back, I'll tell him. That's a good idea. Just have a note, a section in your notes,

what I'd like to say to my husband, but haven't. And then one day they might accidentally find it and you'll be like, oh, dear. Whatever way it makes you feel better. And sometimes you feel like you are bitching, but it's normal. We're all feeling it. Listen, we say it with love.

Just with love and a hint of resentment. Just a sprinkle. Just a sprinkle of resentment. A sprinkle of resentment. And I think majority of people out there probably feel very similar. But it helps. It helps when we talk.

It helps when people are honest enough and share their experience. That's it. That's what we're here nobody nobody wants to hear that you've got the perfect relationship and the perfect child and your child slept 12 hours and you and your husband are still in love and having sex 12 times a day do you know what if my kid was a good sleeper i don't actually think i'd tell people because I just think it doesn't benefit anyone. You don't want to know. All it's going to do is piss people off. We don't want it.

Nobody wants to know if your child is a good sleeper. They just don't. No, tell me that. And that's where we're going to end it. Well, I'll tell you that Ray just took off her nap, even though we're meant to be potty training. And we're not even potty training. She just loves sitting on the main toilet with like a little toilet seat on top. So I just said, do you need a poo poo?

And she said, yeah, I need a poo poo. She'd already done one, didn't realise. She pulled the nappy down. So all the poo spread in between her legs, whipped it off and honestly pooed from it. And started, as I got to my parents' house and we hadn't been home for a while and I don't think they want us back because I was just like, I'm so sorry. I've got a whole cast of recording gonna have to clean it up

but um yeah oh my god have you left your mum clearly oh I did get the baby wipes out and I did try and and um it's just hilarious isn't it I just try and laugh and I'm like you you're basically me when I was your age so I've done this before stopping a hypocrite chest like I love you but before you go quickly how many times have we said we love each other I feel like every voice note I ever sent you starts with I love you middle middles I love you and ends with I love you and then a lot of chaos in between normally just quickly before you go where can anyone that wants to um find out more about babyhood or have a look at it where can where can they find it what do we do is there a link

it's www.welcometobabyhood.com and i don't ever post on the instagram so don't look on there because you know when yeah time um but yeah i i'm i will give a 40 discount mum's the word if you use mum's the word gets 40 i've already created it oh well done look at you you're just such a good supportive friend are you mum's the words isn't it and for the last time love you i adore you and thank you everyone honestly and thank you for creating this beautiful episode because it's so wonderful to be able to talk to my best friends

and for people to listen to it and call it work look at us yeah exactly well thanks Chess and I'll speak to you probably in about an hour

bye gorgeous girl bye thanks for listening to mum's the word the parenting podcast make sure to hit the subscribe or follow button so you never miss an episode we'll be back with another episode same time same place next week