Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Advice for Birth Partners with Olly Huddlestone (@dadlifewithriver)

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

It's about the dads this week as Olly Huddlestone joins us to chat advice for dads in birth, being a father to daughters and tips for birth partners and the support they can give. We also have some amazing listener advice on C-Sections and how to prepare.You can find Olly online as @dadlifewithriverGet in touch with your questions and birth stories at [e-mail] or on 07599927537.---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well hello i'm still here and i'm still pregnant because last time i recorded i was touch and go whether i was going to give birth during the podcast because i was having all these contractions but turns out they were just braxton hicks and i'm back with another episode um i've definitely reached the stage of pregnancy where i'm not quite sure anymore if I'm ill, disgusting or if it's just because of pregnancy. But I do feel like progesterone has become the bane of my life. All my issues that I Google apparently seem to be progesterone related from the most horrific heartburn to the most horrific wind. So that is where I'm at. from the most horrific heartburn to the most horrific wind. So that is where I'm at.

Very, very ready to pop. But the good thing is that I'm still here to do another podcast and I've got someone I love following. Do you know what? Actually, I've followed you and then I realized today that I didn't follow you anymore, which was definitely not intentional. But I see your reels pop up all the time. So this week we have a dad, which I think is brilliant because there's not a lot of dads on social media, which I want to chat about. He is a dad to three girls, River, Meadow and Winter. And he's just very good at using his account in a very humorous way to share the honest, open and sometimes challenging moments.

So I'm very, very happy to welcome Ollie, a.k.a. Dad Life with River. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me on. Thank you so much for coming on. Why do you think it is that there's not as many dads in the sort of parenting space? I don't know. It's a weird one. When I started doing it back in, I don't know, when I was an expectant dad for River, who was my first, I couldn't remember seeing any dads. It was literally all women and all mums. But recently I have seen a lot more dads in the social media space, creating accounts and stuff like that.

But I'm not sure what, why it is really, maybe it's because the old role of a dad is going out and going to work and stuff and not being at home as, as regularly as moms. But then obviously lockdown came in, which happened to me. Lockdown came in and I,

and I've spent every day with them, working from home and stuff like that. So it's been a bit of a blessing in disguise really. And that's when I started the account and it's just sort of snowballed from there. Do you find a lot of your followers are mums and dads or do you find that it's like a sort of even split? I actually checked this out yesterday.

It's around 80% mums and 20% dads on Instagram, this is. But that has actually got a lot better. It used to be, I think, 95% mums or maybe even 98% and like a 2% or 3% were dads. But now that's gone up to about 20%. Try just to be as relatable as possible, not sort of too serious, finding humour in these everyday things that we all go through as

mums and dads yeah it's interesting isn't it I guess you're right that that sort of traditional role that maybe dads didn't have to really think or do as much relating to the day-to-day parenting activities but I found when my partner Tommy became a dad, there wasn't really any like resources for him. I think there's like a pregnancy book called like Pregnancy for Dads. And I just remember it had like sperm on the front. That's all I remember about that book. But I thought it's interesting really that I kind of underestimated what birth might be like on your side of the fence. Yeah, the fact that there's not really anyone to talk to

or no sort of guidance. I keep saying to Tommy whenever any of our friends get pregnant, I'm like, make sure you speak to the dads about what it's like in birth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, for me it was a bit weird actually because we, I was always working. I didn't go to like the pre-classes and stuff like that. I didn't go to the pre-classes and stuff like that. I didn't go to them.

And then I sort of went into it as a sort of absolutely clueless, didn't have a clue what was going to happen. But River was actually breached, so we had a planned C-section. So that was pretty weird, leaving work on the 10th of January and thinking, oh, my God, I'm going to be a dad tomorrow. So that was such a mad experience and then I told us to get there I don't know six in the morning whatever it was and then there's a sort of a queue of five or six people in the ward and I might we might be

first we might be sixth we might be in the middle looking back at it now it makes me laugh like I was in like the blue robes I had the weird hat on I had hair back then as well um which shows what being a dad does to you but um yeah no it was it was crazy um all three of them have actually been really different all three births but uh yeah the first one I'll obviously always always remember what is it like for a dad to kind of go through birth because I feel like we're in it so obviously you know the pain and everything is ours but I remember Tommy being like really overcome with emotion and quite traumatized afterwards so from your perspective and for anyone who maybe wants their partner to listen to this what would

be what's your experience but also what are your tips for dads to all other birth partners biggest tip is you don't have a clue what's going to happen like all three of mine have been completely different so although you can sort of prepare to an extent the packing bags and whatnot once you get there anything could happen um yeah all three of mine were different the last one winter we got into hospital and she was born within 20 minutes so that was crazy i nearly i nearly had to deliver her in the car in rush hour meadow the second one was like a a long that took a long time right in the middle of lockdown june 2020 i had to sleep in the car um because i wasn't allowed in um and jodie was in hospital for three three nights once her contraction started and then

the first one yeah like i say it was a planned c-section and we both had a really good time to be honest like it it was great we uh yeah we got in there i remember looking at the board it said entered the room where the c-section happens entered at 11 minutes past 10 left at 11 minutes past 11 so it was like going for a meal you go in you do your thing you come out and you've got a baby it's just it was crazy and they stuck on um i remember when river was born they stuck on they were like what music do you want and i was like hey and then they took my phone the last thing that i had on was greatest showman so like um one of the songs was actually playing when river was born i've got a video of it and stuff, is the planned C-section was so much more chilled

than the other two. That's good for me because I'm about to have a planned C-section. And funny enough, I've just done my music playlist this week, but it's all very like chilled vibes. No way to show man. It's more like Daniel Caesar, Kendrick Lamar, but like, you know, that love vibes. And I think I'm gonna i'm gonna have the

birth to frank ocean's moon river nice i was about to mention frank ocean when you said those two other names what would be the advice for like helping your partner to recover because i feel like that's that's the thing that i still, you know, Tommy's obviously going to have to deal with a planned C-section. It's completely new territory for us, but he's last time did a vaginal recovery. Yeah, I think you've got to be there and help as much as you can. I mean, most dads get, I think, two weeks off, isn't it? Paternity leave.

And I think loads of people actually don't take it because they're worried about their career progression. So I think can't remember the statistics you might know more than me but a lot of dads actually don't take paternity leave I'm not sure but definitely take it like that's my bit of advice because it goes so quick first first few days you're like well we got a baby and then next thing you know going back to work and you've had a great two weeks getting to know the baby, obviously helping mum out. And then, yeah, sort of reality hits. And then you're into that grind every day.

Back then I was going into work, into London, into Farringdon, which is like a two-hour trip. I was leaving here, must have been half six in the morning. So I wasn't even seeing them before they got up. And then when I got home, it'd be about seven at night so I just kissed River good night and go and yeah that'd be it so then when lockdown came in I've been able to spend so much more time with them um it's probably one of the biggest reasons why we had had them in quick succession as well so yeah I think definitely if if you're arm and iron about taking that paternity leave 100% I'd go for it it is mad isn't it to think because it's so

funny to me before I had a baby I was like paternity leave what's put like they're not the ones that need to recover I just didn't get it at all and now I'm almost embarrassed I didn't understand it but it's such a weird thing to me like even now I'm like what do you mean you have to go back to work after two weeks? But my C-section recovery is six weeks and I'm not meant to hold a baby. Like it just doesn't add up because obviously the more I have to do, then potentially the more health issues that I'll have down the line. And therefore the more money I will cost the NHS and therefore the government

and society as a whole. So I'm like, why don't we have more paternity leave? But also what's it like as a dad having to leave your baby and your partner after such a short period of time? Yeah, like I said, it just goes so quick and you soon get used to it. But basically living for the weekend, aren't you? Because you're at work all week.

You're doing 12 hours 13 hours in London you're getting back you're saying good night to them so you don't really get to see them obviously you FaceTime FaceTime home on lunch and whatnot but it's not the same is it you want the you want the face-to-face contact so so yeah and and a lot of dads these days will be working from home if they're if they've got the capabilities to in their in their role um through zoom or teams or hangouts or whatever um after lockdown so yeah even when you are working working from home jodie said to me one of the like especially with three a simple task such as going to the toilet if i'm there at home i can just sort of watch them for two seconds while she nips the toilet if i'm not there at home it's just just carnage. She probably can't do it.

So yeah, just make the most of it. It is mad this, like how there's a bit of a pushback on work from home culture because Tommy does three days in the office, but those two days that he's at home, like you said, it just makes a world of difference. Like he can go pick up Al from childcare or on the days that I do TV in the evenings, it means that we're not having to get a babysitter to pick up out from childcare on the days that i do tv in the evenings it means that we're not

having to get a babysitter to pick them up from childcare to then look after them until tommy gets home and it's just like a no-brainer obviously for jobs that way you can do it and what's so frustrating is tommy always says he's way more productive at home because obviously people aren't chatting to him in the office so when you see all these old dinosaurs who are like people who work from home are lazy and it's like you have no idea but also like of course dads want to spend time with their kids yeah definitely and you get the best of both worlds that's the same as me like i i get so much more done at home i've got a nice little office space i've got two actually two office spaces for if it gets too mad downstairs I sort of come up here to escape the madness of three kids asking me to do drawings whatever but um I am a bit of a workaholic I've got my job I've got my social media side of things I work like seven in the morning till

midnight um but it just means that I get well if I am working from home I get to yeah have the best of both worlds I get loads done and I get to see the babies more uh more often um and yeah going into the office sometimes I feel like if I when I leave the office I've got to spend a day catching up on stuff because I've been dragged doing something else it's not my job or I don't know yeah just get chatting to people or something like that so yeah I think working from home is a blessing in disguise for dads I think let's rewind back to life before kids if you can even remember what that was like how has being a dad changed you and is it what you expected I don't know if it has changed me like it obviously has changed me as in like I've always got something in the back of my mind now I've always got something I need

to protect I've always got something I'm thinking of but i think it's important to not stop being yourself type of thing i still want to do stuff i still want to see my friends i still want to see my family i still want to do stuff like that um but yeah before we we enjoyed holidays we enjoy holidays now it's just different it's different types of holidays like i can't just up and leave and go traveling for five months now it's uh it's a bit different but in a good way like I think we both said as soon as we get a house we wanted to have kids like we've done all that we've done traveling done uni going out three four times a week like I'm over it now um but don't get me wrong I do I do like seeing my friends I do like going to football matches and stuff like that. I was going to say, you're a big sports fan. Do you still manage to watch a sport on the weekends?

Yeah, yeah, I do. I'm actually going to a game this weekend. I went to one a couple of weekends ago. Don't get me wrong, it's not as frequent. I'd love to go every week. Again, I support Middlesbrough, who are up in the northeast, and I'm down south, so I try and get to the away games. Whereas Wickham is just around the corner from me. I'm taking River there in a few weeks actually they've got a family day but yeah

maybe if I live around the corner from Borough it might be a different story but yeah no I do I do get to I think that they know that three o'clock on a Saturday um I've got to turn off Cocoa Melon so yeah it's all good if not I've got an iPad and I go and watch it upstairs anyway so I love how you're on the iPad I I thought you were going to say they're on the iPad. Oh, no, no. We actually don't really get the iPad out a lot, unless it's for journeys maybe. But, yeah, I don't think they're really bothered about it, mine, for some reason.

God, I'm impressed. Alf literally wakes up in the morning and goes, iPad. And I'm like, oh, God, I've ruined my child. Yeah. No, I wish they they did to be honest if it if it just meant i'm sitting over there five minutes and watching whatever and then that's fine but um i seem to watch the same thing just millions of times there must be like five things that they actually watch it's just millions of times of it yeah coca melon i can kind of get

used to it now because i feel like once you know the tunes, like you can kind of be like, oh yeah, I know this one. Whereas I don't know if your kids have ever watched Blippi, but you just, you never get, you don't, just never suggest it. Even saying it now, the algorithms, your phone will be listening and it'll probably like crop up. Wow, Blippi is the most annoying one, but Alf loves it. And I'm like, this is going to honestly send me mad. I might look it up now on my own though without them.

I don't know. At the minute it's Frozen and Moana and all that, which I'm happy with. I'm a Disney fan. I love it all. So that'll do for me. That's the stage I'm looking forward to because Alf still won't sit and watch a film. And I said to Tommy yesterday, wouldn't it be nice for like Sunday afternoons? We could just like watch a Disney film together.

Yeah. But no, we have Blippi. Yeah, no, I'll look that one up, yeah. I do get comments actually. My go-to is Little Baby Balm, Kokomen. If I'm like doing like a funny thing, like re-evaluating my life choices and got Kokomen in the background

or something like that. A lot of people do say about Bippy so yeah i i i'm no stranger to people not um not adapting to blippy yeah for anyone listening who is thinking about blippy just don't honestly just don't avoid it i think the youtube algorithm screwed us over and it came on once and he basically just goes around um play centers in america which usually happen to be in las vegas nevada every nearly every single one and yeah they're not even at least like coca melon or super simple songs which is another favorite of ours they're sort of educational so he learns like words whereas blippy i I feel like that is like just soul-destroying television.

I don't think it's just brain-dead TV. Right. Avoid. Done. I've actually bought him a Blippi outfit for World Book Day. What is a Blippi? Is it a dog or something? No, he's just a character. He's a man. Oh, wow. We digress. So this is what I would be interested to know about

because from a mum perspective tommy's like such an amazing dad but i find that he gets praised for doing anything parenting related whereas like on my side i feel like it's almost like expected on me and judged how do you find the sort of narrative of the hands-on dad, if you even notice it? I don't really notice it, to be honest. I mean, in my house, it's definitely a boss, and it's not me. And I just do as I'm told. Like, that is it.

I help out where I can. Has being a father to daughters changed you in any way like has it given you a different perspective on life and like the treatment of women or you know it's interesting because obviously tommy's about to become a girl dad and i'd be interested to know how it changes a man obviously from your experience yeah in terms of treatment of women and stuff I don't think it has um in terms of like me and and parenting um we always said we wanted one of each um and I haven't had one of each and I don't care that I haven't had one of each like I'm absolutely happy I would not change anything for the world. All my life, I had football, pub, sun in my head.

And it's completely the opposite. And yeah, I'm absolutely loving it. And I'm trying to get them into football. I also got ballet lessons and stuff. They teach me dances. And Jodie wants one more as well. But yeah, she's trying to get that out of me but I said we've had three and three and three years let's just chill out for a bit

maybe a couple of years if I become a millionaire that's when that's when we'll do it but not for now wow Tommy's from a family of four four kids but I feel like even going up to two sometimes I go through stages especially when Alf's not sleeping where I'm like, what are we doing? What are we doing? What was it like for you doing the transition from one to two and then three? I think one to two was harder than two to three. Just having another one, like, especially at such a young age as well. Because is there one year between each?

Yeah, there's like 16, 17 months between each. Yeah, river was born year and a half ish uh meadow was born and then another year and a half after that winter was born so when winter was born we had river who was starting to become like a little girl had the attitude everything that you'd expect of a little girl meadow was in the toddler stage so she was learning to walk eating everything putting everything in the mouth just absolute carnage and then obviously you had the tiny baby who out of all three of them was probably the easiest because she was she was just an absolute angel all three of mine have

been so well behaved but winter was just like you didn't even know she was there you felt bad you felt bad sometimes because she'd be sat in the corner in her little thing and you'd be like oh my god i haven't looked at her for an hour. You're too concentrating on the other two nutters running around and loving each other one minute and then hitting the other one around the head the next minute. So, yeah, absolute carnage. Do you think it's because Winter would just be entertained watching Meadow and River? Because that's what I'm hoping, that the little girl will almost be easier than Alf because she can just

watch her brother. Yeah, I definitely think that. But then we thought that about Meadow and she's a nutter. But yeah, I think Winter just sort of sat back for about eight months, didn't do anything.

Just watched her two crazy sisters taking it all in. But when she's starting to now, actually, she's got an attitude on her. So I think when she give it a few months, she's got an attitude on her so i think when she um give it a few months she'll be i think she'll be the crazy one definitely i think she's i think she's just saving it all up to release it all at once so funny because my mum always said she had three so there's my older brother me i'm like the mental middle child and then my sister and she said

that when she had me she really wanted another one and then had my sister and was like absolutely no more she's absolutely mental yeah yeah it wasn't so much any of them are mental anything like that the fact of having three under three I want to start doing stuff again like with a young baby even like getting out with the with the girls getting out on our own going on just me and Jodie I want to start doing stuff like that again we've been engaged for three years three years four years coming up i want to i want to get married i'd like to move house and then if another one comes then so be it but at the minute concentrate on the here and now that's something that tommy and i are like apprehensive about becoming parents again is that having that sort of autonomy back in our relationship

because I feel like Alf is two years and two months now and we're really starting to enjoy each other again because even though we might not get babysit as much as much as we probably could or should, Alf goes to bed at seven and then we've got our evenings whereas obviously when you have a newborn that is just constant carnage like breastfeeding all the time or whatever what did you guys notice having another one then another one that you kind of like lost that sort of autonomy in a relationship or was it all just so close together that you never really yeah I don't think so like we've always been very much a team

and I'll be still are to this day and where I come back to again where it was like lockdown for two years basically so we were always there I was always in the house um we were always like together so it was in the house um because you won't have to do anything back then so we used to go on our daily walks we used to go and look at sheep we used to do stuff like that but we try and do something every Sunday since the start of this year because otherwise I just end up working like constantly over the weekend in the week whether it's on my own stuff or my actual job as well so yeah we're sort of consciously trying to get some time in to do stuff like with the kids

but then I also want to do stuff us just us as well with our friends without our friends yeah just trying to get back into it really. It is interesting how everyone's lockdown was so unique because my lockdown was my pregnancy my first pregnancy so that was sort of our experience and obviously yours you were had two kids at that point one and then another one born right in the middle of it yeah it is mad like yeah that everyone's obviously was so impacted but has a different sort of timeline of their experience yeah yeah 100% and I know a lot of people that hated lockdown I I actually I actually quite enjoyed it like I spent so much more time with my family

um I started my social media thing which has given me so many more opportunities like in in in the previous year gone by it's just crazy it's just sort of snowballed and even me just being on camera before lockdown thought me being on camera I'd have been like no never um but now I'm just and I was looking back at my old videos the other day and I was just like oh my god what was I doing these are crazy start somewhere that's the thing with anything isn't it you've got to like throw yourself in exactly and that's what I did in lockdown I thought you know what got a few followers I'm gonna give this a real go and then yeah it's just got it's gone crazy from there really yeah what made you decide to sort of document dad life so this this was i was on holiday on on our what's it called baby moon is it

um baby moon in september 2018 river was born january 19 um we went to Greece and it was the worst weather I've ever had on any holiday ever like there was literally not one day of sun it was just pouring wet so I was just literally we just sat inside the room watching stuff and I was like you know what I've got wi-fi um I've seen a few other accounts do it I'm about to be a dad, I'm just going to start posting just expectant dad stuff like it's basically for River to look back on when she's older what we did

we're on the baby moon we've bought your first pair of shoes we've done blah blah and then when she's born obviously the day of birth the first, I don't know what do m mom's dads do like locks of hair teeth that type of thing that was in my that was in my mind and then um it was during lockdown i was like you know what i did actually think that there's not many dads

doing this and yeah i'm just gonna gonna try and try and build a bit of a following uh and yeah went all right it'd be interesting to know what our kids think looking back seeing like their whole life documented even the pictures i look at them sometimes i'm like oh my god how is that meadow like she looks like she's eaten a kid similar size to meadow and now she's like so skinny she's got hair she was yeah yeah such a cute little baby but yeah it'll be good it'll be good looking back at all the um all the stuff that we've posted over the years as a parting gift what advice or hacks would you give to anyone listening who is about to embark in the crazy world of parenting i think for anyone listening

is about to become a parent i just think take it as it comes it's going to be challenging there's going to be days when you're up. There's going to be days when you're down. If you're a new parent, you're not going to be able to plan for anything much as you're just jumping into something that's completely brand new. And I think just lean on your partner and help each other as best you can and just try and enjoy everything. That's my main thing, just enjoy it. I need to remember that as well because I feel like when I go back best you can and just try and enjoy everything that's that's my main thing just enjoy it oh

i need to remember that as well because i feel like when i go back into the newborn stage i'm really hoping that this time i don't feel that sense of like resentment or like wtf if for want of a better word but i feel like we're better partners now that obviously we know how each other operates in parenting. Yeah, exactly. Ollie, thank you so much for your time. And like I said, I'm going to put all the information for your social media in the blood below, but I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me. I love speaking to Ollie. I feel like it's so nice to hear from dads and to hear the dad perspective, because it is so true that I feel like the more we start to see dads, whether it's online or, you know, in general, but especially online, and the more we start to see dads kind of doing a lot of the parenting things, the less that child rearing is seen as like a mum thing, a mum responsibility and all the things around it. So I hope you enjoyed the episode as

well. I've actually got a message to read out from Claire this week who got in touch on WhatsApp. So she said, Hey, Ashley, I love the podcast. I can't tell you how grateful I've been since discovering you. Thank you, by the way. I'm a mum to incredible 14 month girl who is just the best thing since sliced bread. I've listened to your episode about C-sections. I had an emergency one after being 12 days overdue, then a failed induction. Basically, she was so big that she didn't want to come out. The actual section itself went really well. It was a beautiful, emotional, and at times funny experience. You'll be absolutely fine. Thank you for that reassurance as well. Two things I wish I'd known though. Get some dressing for your wound.

The midwives told me to let the air get to mine, but that actually didn't heal it any quicker as it would scab over, then it would get knocked off and start bleeding. Sorry if too much information. However, when I started dressing it every day, just standard dressing patches with tape over the top to hold in place,

it healed from the inside out super quick. That's really interesting to know. So I'm definitely going to get that. Probably from a good old Amazon. Jeff Bezos seems to get a lot of my money, which I hate. She said, B, my C-section also affected our breastfeeding journey as my milk didn't come in until day 10. As a result, my baby was losing weight despite constantly trying to feed and express. So the more you express, the better early on to stimulate this supply we ended up making the decision to switch to exclusively bottle feeding because the first two weeks i just felt like i was letting my baby down and it was so traumatic but i needn't have worried as she's now a beautiful bouncy girl who brings us so much joy i know everyone is different

but i just wanted to share as that would have definitely helped me as a first-time mom and c-section patient wishing you lots of luck and love with the rest of your pregnancy from Claire. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. So I weirdly am already getting cholesterol, which I wasn't able to get at all the first time around. And then I breastfed for a year. So this time I feel like my boobs know what to do. So I actually haven't stored any cholesterol, my boobs know what to do. So I actually haven't stored any cholesterol, but maybe I need to just in case it does take a while. So thank you for your advice and sharing your experience. Massively TMI, but hey, it's a podcast and it's a mum podcast. So if we don't talk about it here, when will we? What do we do with pubic hair and C-sections? I got a message from someone saying that they didn't shave. And by the way,

each their own. If you love the bush, then go for you. And if you don't love the bush, good for you. But she said that she was mortified because she didn't do anything. And the C-section team had to actually shave her to be able to do the scar. And I absolutely do not want to be shaved by any other person but myself but then I was thinking obviously like the scar is gonna I guess be itchy so like do you get a wax do you shave but then what do you do when it grows back I'm also fully aware that post-natal recovery the last thing on your mind is going to be the bush. But I'm just not quite sure what the best thing to do is. So I'd love to hear your advice on that. Maybe a good old funny voice note if you've got some funny stories and experiences. But yeah, that is the

hard questions that I'm asking on this week's podcast. And hopefully you'll be able to let me know before baby's here but if not at least we'll have some funny stories and maybe any of you guys going through c-sections will at least know what to do so um if you do want to get in touch then you can do what Claire did to whatsapp where you can send a voice message for free anonymously if you want oh I also want to just add from Claire's thing if you are worried about breastfeeding especially after a c-section with milk not coming through there obviously are lactation consultants that you can go to if you can afford it otherwise there is some amazing free breastfeeding networks

for support which I cannot remember off the top of my head but um if you google or maybe I can share it and when I go live for the podcast um but yeah if that is something you're worried about then you definitely can um but back to this if you want to leave a voice message um on whatsapp or send a message on whatsapp the number is 075 999 27537 or you can email me at askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com. Or of course, you can leave a review on Apple Podcasts. And I'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it.

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