Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Becoming The Person You Want Your Child To Be with Megan Rose Lane

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

TW// Mention of Eating DisordersThis week we sit down with Megan Rose Lane to chat about unsolicited advice, finding love for your body, eating disorders, changing relationships, co parenting and becoming the person you want your child to become.Get in touch with your birth stories, questions and topic suggestions at [e-mail] or on whatsapp at 07599927537---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm sure as parents we all know how messy things can get whether that's around the house during meal times and even when it comes to our little ones themselves when it comes to wiping Alf's messy face and body I want to be sure that what I am using is the best choice for his skin with baby eczema and nappy rash being common conditions using wipes for sensitive skin is a must we've both been loving water wipes. We've actually used them since Alf was born and they gently clean and help protect delicate newborn and premature baby skin. They're made of just two ingredients, so 99.9% water and a drop of fruit extract. That means they are the best wipe choice for sensitive skin. Alf loves them and I even find myself using them.

Well, good morning. I am honestly so excited about today's guest because I don't know if it's the run-up to Christmas or pregnancy or the fact that Alf is still waking up it's gone from 5am starts to 3.30am starts but I'm gonna say that I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and my guest today is someone who I always actually go to her Instagram for positivity and inspiration so honestly it couldn't come at the best high at a better time to welcome you onto the podcast she is a spiritual mentor um she basically dedicates her time and career to helping women reclaim their power she's the founder of the thrive project um and she is a mum to a four-year-old girl i can can't believe she's four now, Esme. It's Megan Rose Lane. Hi, thank you so much for having me on.

Honestly, I've wanted to have you on for so long because I've followed you. We have the same agent, so we kind of are connected in that way. But I've followed you since even before I was a mum, even before I wanted to have children, for not only like your positive, I'm going to say daily assurances, but also you made me really excited at the prospect of motherhood at the time when I was like, oh my God, I don't know if I want to be a mom.

How are you? I'm okay. It's funny because we both just walked in here just now and said hi to each other and you were super overwhelmed and like teary. And I was like, I'm really hormonal. Yeah, we can't guarantee there'll be no tears. Yeah, I just said that. I was like, I might cry today. So if there's a subject that's a bit emotional, I'm like, you know, when you can feel the tears behind your eyes and a bit like that today. I'd love to rewind all the way back to who you were before you were a mom because like I mentioned you're someone that I find so inspiring even before I became a parent myself and kind of appreciated

how hard it is to be calm and centered as a parent because I feel like I'm not coping with all the constant the pressures and the juggle. So now that I am one, I appreciate everything that you've created since becoming a mom even more so. So who were you before motherhood? Who was I? When I think about who I was, I see who I am now, but just covered in layers and layers and layers of fear. Like I was already in there and I would shine through in moments, but I was really suffocated

by comparison and fear. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know who I wanted to be. I was in a lot of debt. I'd moved to London and was working in jobs that were just so many hours, night shifts. And I just could never seem to get out of my overdraft. And I was always borrowing money. And there was a time where I was kind of like looking under the sofa cushions for coins to buy food. I was living that London life where you can barely make ends meet. And I decided to become a makeup artist because I knew I wanted to be freelance and it was a passion of mine, makeup. So I decided to go down that route, but it just really sucked me into a world of comparison and perfectionism.

I really became a perfectionist with the way I showed up online. It was like a different reality entirely. The person I put out online was just not who I was. Is that in terms of like filters or happiness or everything I think I just hid a lot of what was really going on mainly because I wasn't even honest with myself about what was really going on I didn't have the the self-awareness to actually even be vulnerable because I was kidding myself I was lying to myself that I was happy and that you know the more likes and followers and that I got on the more comments about being beautiful or my makeup being perfect or whatever was what would validate me and I relied on that and it was empty and I was so it really fed I had

an eating disorder as well I had bulimia which is when I got pregnant was when I knew that that had to stop because I was like this isn't just about me anymore so yeah before having Esme I would say I was in a really really dark place. Wow so you got pregnant how is it going through the changes of pregnancy with an eating disorder like you said obviously there's that part of like it's not about me but as I'm sure we will all say even if you you're so comfortable with yourself, it is really difficult to go through those pregnant and postnatal changes, even just to be like, what do I wear? Literally, it's like a whole identity crisis. Like you start to really lose yourself because you are, the thing with becoming pregnant and the thing with then becoming a mom is that you go through

so many stages of having to become a new version of yourself, right? You're like constantly dying and being reborn through every stage. And that process in itself requires a lot of courage because you have to keep letting go of that past version of you and stepping into this new version. There's a lot of fear around what you might lose when you have your baby. And am I still going to be able to live my life the way I want to live it? Who am I going to be? There's just so much fear. Am I going to be a good mom? I Googled that every day. What if I'm not a good mom? I had so much self-doubt. So with the eating disorder stuff, I'd actually been on quite a healing journey with it. And I think eating disorder recovery is a very, for me, it was a very slow process. It takes time and it takes practice and it takes a lot of self-forgiveness and you will, or I did, relapse quite a lot.

And I think what happened is I got pregnant and I was actually at quite a good stage with it. I was really coming out the other side of it. And then I think the morning sickness really triggered me back into it because it was, my morning sickness was terrible. I was just being sick all day, every day. It was like having a bad hangoverover like 24 hours a day. And I just, all I could do was sleep to not feel it. And I think that that time spent with my head in the toilet was so triggering for me because it was where I used to spend a lot of time and I was trying to really come out of that. And it just took me straight back there. Yeah, I think there was something about feeling like the fear of gaining weight while being

pregnant, then the sickness that actually had a lot of diet culture of like, oh, well, at least I'm not going to gain weight, you know? And that was really hard because I was feeding into that diet culture of like, can I be pregnant and have a baby and not gain any weight? Like bizarre, but that's kind of where it took me in my head. and I think that one of the hardest things was when the morning sickness stopped to not continue making myself sick because it had become so routine you know did you find it difficult with the kind of running commentary maybe you didn't experience this but I find when pregnant which obviously I currently am but also in those postnatal days people say things without really thinking yeah so like the fact that you're sick or lots of people are sick especially

in first trimester and people are like oh at least you at least you'll be skinny yeah or say when I got covid in the postnatal days and I was like depressed and people were like oh but at least you lose weight and it's like but that's not my only goal I just want to be happy and I just want to be healthy yeah yeah I think that um other people's comments is something that I I learned to kind of shut out a very long time ago and I think that was probably a similar time to that I think receiving hate online has been something that is or not even just hate but like unsolicited advice I think has been something and people have good intentions with that too. So it's not hate. There's a mixture, but I think that it's a beautiful opportunity to keep coming home to your own truth and your own self and strengthening that inner voice of like knowing

when someone says something and being like, that's your projection, that's your idea, that's your conditioning. It's not mine and I think that actually it those those pieces of advice I found power in rejecting them and standing strong in my own truth how would you encourage other people to get to that point because I have to say I struggle less with the unsolicited advice this time mainly because I have more empathy for mums so I kind of see where it's coming from even the just you wait negative so I kind of see where it's coming from even the just you wait negative comments I kind of understand why it's triggering for lots of mums to see people who are pregnant first time yeah talking about how tired they are and I understand being like

I understand that desire to be like just you wait but obviously I wouldn't do it because I know how like anxiety inducing it is but how for anyone who is struggling whether it's their first pregnancy or they're into motherhood and especially around body image how did you get to a point where you could have an opinion filter oh it's a hard one isn't it because there's so many different opinions and so many different people but my filter for people's opinions is and this is a general rule not just for pregnancy stuff or whatever but it's like if someone's giving me feedback my filter is do i do my values align with this person's values like is this my kind of person because if they have some wild opinions they're a trump supporter or something i already know that their feedback has nothing to do with me and i'm not going to

listen to it it's not someone that aligns with me so therefore that immediately like cuts them out and their opinion out does that make sense and then it's like does this person have my best interests at heart and I think that advice without compassion and without grace is often just like like abuse or like negative kind of attack or it's them just projecting onto you and it's not really for you. So I ask like, do I trust this person? Do our values align? And did this advice come from the heart?

And then the next filter is like, does it feel true for me? And that's where you really have to be in touch with your own intuition and your own inner guidance system and be like, does this feel true? And maybe it does. Maybe they give feedback and you're like, actually, that's quite good advice. I'm going to take that on. Or I think it's the practice of discernment, just to be discerning and be like, take a piece of information and say, does it feel true for me? Maybe, or does it not? Then throw it away.

You don't have to absorb everything and internalize it all i'd say that's something i'm struggling with at the moment because alf isn't sleeping and i'm pregnant i have this fear because i feel like you forget the sleep deprivation and everything of those newborn sort of times and then obviously our brains trick us into like maybe i want to do this again yeah and here i am with another baby on the way and alf obviously um like with sleep progression or illness or molars coming through whatever the little reasons are that he's not sleeping which i have sympathy for him for but it's all the that i really need to believe that things are going to get better because i was in such a dark place in that first

year with Alf. So then when people come in my DMs being like, if you think it's hard now, just you wait until you have two babies. And I'm like, I really don't like my brain cannot believe that it can get worse. I need to believe that my new baby is going to be a really good sleeper and that alpha is going to get through these 4am wake-ups before the baby comes yeah um so yeah i'm listening like almost writing notes like yes i need to remember that it's not about me and it also doesn't affect my experience yeah exactly and also just like knowing how resilient you are and how strong you are and how this stage that you know may be difficult and that's okay, where you've got two and you're juggling so much, it won't last forever. And I think that's one

thing that I find a lot of comfort in when things get hard and when I know things are going to be tough. And so almost like accepting, okay, this is going to be hard, but I'm super resilient. I've survived every single challenge life has thrown at me so far. Moms are incredible. We're like super women. And really just knowing that nothing lasts forever, like that chapter will be over at some point and you are supported and you've got everything that you need and people will try and plant fear in you and they will get a little kick out of that. So it's really just that again, self-protection and and um it's hard because you're in a position where you are constantly being bombarded with um advice and opinions because you are a vulnerable person online you know and people think that they almost because you share about your life and i experienced

this back when i i used to share a lot more than i do now and now i don't anymore i've put a bit of a protection up because i found it quite draining. And I think that's one thing that I can empathize with you on. It's like, people think, I think people can look at your life online and think it's almost like a soap. Do you know what I mean?

Like they're following a storyline and it's like, you're not a real human and they get to like have their say and whatever. And you're a human with feelings and you have ups and downs and emotions and self-doubt and stuff. And I don't think people sometimes realize that when they chime in that that can have such a big effect on you. Like one comment, one line, one word can have a really big knock.

Yeah, I suppose we're in it on social media, but then I have friends who aren't on social media at all. And there is still those people chiming in yeah I think it's something I think that's because motherhood and pregnancy is so personal and so life-changing isn't it that it is hard not to like want to give advice even if it's well-intentioned um and family can be a big one as well yeah even just like your own mom or stepmom or you know mother-in-law or father-in-law or cousin it can just be like people who are actually close to you and you're like ah please stop do you have advice with trying to instill boundaries with when it comes to family members because that can be hard because obviously you don't want to upset them but i know lots of people who really struggle my friend who i just mentioned to you isn't on social media

her mom's always mentioning her weight yeah and especially in pregnancy even in pregnancy she was like if you make if you weigh yourself and only get this much above your normal weight then hopefully you can leave hospital being the same weight as you were before your baby so how can you in a healthy and loving way yeah and that's the key people have it within laws and parents like you said yeah just people telling you what they think is best for you or your child. Yeah, because they're important relationships and you want to keep them healthy and you want to keep them, you know, you don't want to fall out with family necessarily. Sometimes people, you kind of have to distance yourself. But I think when it comes to setting a boundary, it's like just talking about how it makes you feel and being like, hey, when you say that, like that really makes me feel uncomfortable and it triggers this from childhood or it makes you feel and being like hey when you say that like that really makes me feel uncomfortable and it triggers this from childhood or it makes me feel like this and very much make it about how it makes you feel rather than being accusatory or being like

you know name calling or kind of like being too defensive and I think that's my favorite way or the way that I think is most effective to communicate a boundary is like in a loving way it's like hey that really makes you feel uncomfortable and if that person cares about you they're gonna go oh I'm so sorry and then when they do it again you just say hey you did that again and then if it keeps happening and they don't respect your boundaries that's when you know for your own self-preservation to distance yourself from that person that's really good advice and um i know i've kind of like jumped around a little bit but i do want to touch on um like body image and finding love for your body especially in your postnatal body because you're someone that i feel does show self-love and kind of inspires other people to

love themselves so what advice would you um give because i guess with your experience of disordered eating which i'm you know i'm sure lots of people relate to how did you get to that point where you were like i actually love my body i mean i still struggle with it now um it's so funny because when i'm really really. I was in a relationship for the first year of postpartum. And that year I felt very secure in that relationship. And I felt loved for who I was. And I felt like my body wasn't an issue in terms of feeling loved. So I was very open with my body changes, body confidence.

I found a real sense of empowerment in that. When I became single, it got hard again because I didn't have that sense of safety and security of being in a relationship. And I felt I definitely went through a process of thinking I now need to attract someone and fell back into the diet culture kind of mindset of like, okay, I've got to get in shape, air quotes. And that was really hard. So I really feel like the body confidence journey is, I don't, for me personally, it's not like I got to a point where I was like, oh my God, I love my body now. And then it just, that was it forever. It's a rollercoaster of ups and downs. And there's some months where I feel amazing. And to be honest,

hormones play such a big role in it. I was just saying this the other day to my friend. I was like, when I'm during my period or when I'm ovulating, it's like I put on a pair of goggles that make everything look cloudy. And I'm like, why is the same body that I was living in yesterday that was so empowered and I looked at it

and I was like, yeah, I feel so sexy and whatever. And then I put on some pair of hormonal goggles and now I'm looking at the same body and all I can find is fault. And it's like, I think I don't always trust the way I see myself. I have to be careful with which lens I'm looking at myself through. And I think that that's been a huge part of the body confidence journey. It's like, are you looking at your body through the lens of love and clarity from an empowered place? And also seeing yourself as more than a body. That was like the biggest key for me. It was like, if you think that your body is all you are, then you are going to spend your entire life obsessing over it and picking at it. And I love to see the body as the

vehicle that holds our soul. And that's why I love doing the, that's where really the spiritual side of things came in for me because that was part of my healing journey was to figure out who am I beyond this body? This body is like the home that carries me. It's like a ship carrying precious cargo. You know, the ship is not the precious cargo. It's just what's carrying it through on its journey. And what is the precious cargo then? And so it's my purpose's carrying it through on its journey and what is the precious cargo then so it's my purpose it's my soul it's my gift it's my love it's you know how I help other people what how much I give um and I think focusing on those things really helped me help that it tipped the scale so that it was less about the outer shell and more about what's inside um

so that was that was huge yeah I love I love that and I think it's so important because as much as I love like the body confidence movement that's taking shape and hopefully it's going to have such a positive impact it also does kind of add this pressure of like I should love myself because other people are telling me to love myself like why am I not overcoming diet culture because I feel like we all now know or most of us would say we know we recognize that it's bullshit or that it's profiteering from these billionaire companies and you know the double standards of beauty standards and even how the dad bod is like loved but the mom bod is like shameful yeah one of the things that i've always loved and actually you put it on your

instagram again recently is that obviously you're raising a daughter and you do affirmations with her I do can you talk about that especially now I'm about to become a mum to a daughter although I know it's equally as important to make sons feel loved as well but yeah how are you trying to raise her in a way that hopefully she won't have the same hang-ups around body? I feel like with my daughter, it's like I want to give her everything that I didn't have. And I had a great upbringing with wonderful parents.

Don't get me wrong, but there was an element of emotional support and a foundational level of self-love that I was not given and or had modeled to me from my mom because she had her own insecurities and her own issues and her own history with an eating disorder. And it is that generational trauma that's passed down. And for me, I just know that I'm standing in this position after having to take on my own healing journey of like I never want my daughter to go through what I went through in terms of the level of self-hatred self-loathing self-rejection self-abandonment like I could not have been more cruel to myself growing up I didn't know how to love myself. I wasn't taught it. And I think in that generation, there was something about, not even just modesty, but like self-hate that was quite cool. It was

almost cool. It was like the done thing. It was like made you more likable to hate yourself because then you weren't a threat. And this is deep patriarchal sister wound, threat. And this is deep patriarchal sister wound, mother wound stuff of like women should just play so small and hate themselves into submission. And then that makes them more likable, more palatable, more easy to be around, less threatening, all of these things that come from that. And it's so deeply ingrained with no self-awareness of that. You do just follow that conditioning. That is just becomes a part of of kind of unless you have someone in your life as a mother or a you know that role to show you how to love yourself you will get swept along with the culture and and that's what it was like god i hard relate to this

so much i even remember things like offhand comments whether it was my mom or my mom's friends of being like oh enjoy oh you get to eat everything lucky you like when you get to my age and i remember even stepping into my 20s thinking oh what age am i going to get to where i can't enjoy my food anymore but it was so built into me or remembering my mom like only eating cottage cheese oh my god but i was at 12 at 12 years old i went to them in world because i was i was not the the kind of kid that could eat wherever she wanted to not gain weight i was you know i was i would put on weight easily and i had a really difficult relationship with food from being about six because of a comment that someone said to me when i was younger that really stuck with me and

that's when my body issues body image issues started but yeah like i remember going to slimming world and being weighed at 12 years old wow and going on a diet and eating cottage cheese and tuna and all sorts I always find even with dating as a teenager that I remember thinking I can't wait to get to my 20s when boys aren't players anymore and it never crossed my mind that I could implement boundaries where if someone cheated on me I could walk away it was almost like better to be with them because they were like the sort of social status and also you didn't want to like add to your numbers because obviously how many people you slept with was such a big thing then I like stayed with someone and I wish that I had like a maternal figure whether that was my mum or

not just to be like you don't have to put up with this or like yeah there was never any like emotional dialogue totally and I think that again I had the same thing with boys it was almost like they were the prize to be earned by the woman that's how I was kind of that's the experience I had with school and growing up it was like can I get that guy can we change them yeah and can we change them and yeah can we make them like can they make it can we make them into what we really need as women yeah and they you know young boys they don't they don't want to play play ball with that they want to do their own thing and go off and you know that was my experience anyway but yes it's a lot of lessons growing up so how are you trying to parent Esme or mother

Esme in a way that she won't? Because I'm sure there'll be lots of people being like, yeah, I felt like this and this is my upbringing. And whether they're raising a son or a daughter, they might be like, how can I overcome those generational patterns? I mean, I think for me, like shadow work has probably been the best thing in the world for my relationship with Esme and the way that I parent. Shadow work is where we look at the parts of us that act in ways out of fear and frustration and anger. And we really go into that part of us and figure out what we've rejected within ourselves,

what part of us has been abandoned and is reacting in that way. And I think that it generally just makes you a is reacting in that way. And I think that it generally just makes you a more love-filled person. And I think that's what children need. They need like an example. And for me, it's not to teach Esme how to be, it's to model it to her because children learn through example. They learn, you say one thing, you tell your child to be kind. They might listen to that. But then when they see you being unkind, they will model that behavior. Your words mean nothing without your

actions behind it. And it's like, become the person that you want your child to grow up to be because they are going to, I became my own mom, you know, and I had to then heal a lot. And my mom's great. She's, she's wonderful. And we are such, such close friends. And I had to then heal a lot. And my mom's great. She's wonderful. And we are such close friends. And luckily I got her strongest traits and gifts as well as her more shadowy ones. But yeah, I think that's the main thing I would say. It's like, who are you being? Because it's not about telling a child how to live

and how to act and then contradicting that behavior within your own actions. It's modeling it. So when I look in the mirror at my own body, I tell myself how beautiful I am in front of her. So she doesn't just see a mom that tells her to say affirmations and then looks in the mirror and slags herself off. My mom would stand there every single day saying, my jeans don't fit and this is too small and this is, I've gained weight and getting angry and frustrated at a body. And that's what I learned through example. So yeah, that's like one of the key things I really think is so important.

How do you get into shadow work? Because I feel like there are these sort of times that we hear a lot now. I mean, inner child work is shadow work. Inner child work. I see the shadow like a, I imagine it like a cupboard and all the parts of us that we don't feel are acceptable to the world. So the parts of us that we have been shamed for or told us that by other people that aren't good enough, or we've been rejected for, or maybe we've been in a friendship and they've said, you know, we don't want to be

friends with you because of X, Y, Z. All of those parts of you that you feel ashamed of, they go into the shadow. So I imagine that we put them into the cupboard behind us, right? And then we show up to the world with this one side of us, the side that we believe is acceptable and lovable and people will not reject, right? So, and we think that we've put all of this stuff back in the cupboard and it's not going to run our lives and it's going to just stay hidden, but that's not how the shadow works. Like shame thrives in secrecy. So really the parts of you that you have abandoned and rejected because you believe they're not lovable, they start to actually run your life. They start to be the driver of your actions. If you're being bitchy, if you're being jealous, if you're, you know, gossiping about other women, that's a shadow aspect of yourself. And underneath it, deep, if you go deep underneath, there's a part of you that doesn't feel loved and doesn't feel accepted. And that behavior, the gossip, the jealousy, the bitchiness is actually a symptom of a part of you that's not feeling loved. So shadow work goes into the cupboard and takes out those parts and says, okay, hey, how old were you when this happened? And how can you go now? And

we do it through meditation and I do it through EFT, which is like a tapping practice. In a child work, I work with coaches, mentors, and they'll take you back into that memory of the time that when you were like four years old and someone said something really cruel to you and made you feel really like unworthy in that moment and you internalized it and it became a part of who you are. And you go back into that memory and you close your eyes and you go and you sit with that four-year-old and say, hey, like, I love you so much. Like, I'm here for you. I know that that person said this mean thing, but it wasn't true. They were just projecting. And you give that four-year-old what they needed in that moment

to not internalize that belief, to feel safe and secure. So what we do is we go into our shadow and we rescue the parts of ourselves that don't feel loved. And that's why shadow work is so powerful. And it's definitely something that's hard to do alone. That's why I always have a mentor and we always go into shadow work. And I'll sit there and be like, hey, this week I did this thing and it didn't feel good.

And then my coach will be like, okay, so tell me more about it. And I'll go into the detail of it and we'll get to the wound underneath. When I was 11, my friend said this, and it was in that moment that I stopped using my voice or whatever it is. So it's definitely a big subject. I love that you're trying to talk about something really serious and interesting, but you had to fly like going around. I was really trying not to laugh and I was like, it's a really inappropriate time to laugh. At least it didn't go in my mouth. mouth so what I'm really fascinated by is so I feel like I was quite a calm positive person before I had a child and now I'm like in the I felt like I lost all of that whereas you've kind of gone the other way so when you had Esme and she was here what was your journey into motherhood like because that that's obviously when you started to do a lot

of the work but how do you even find like the clarity in the headspace even I remember you doing the book about getting up at 5am and sometimes now especially when I was awake at 3.30 and I sit with him and I'm like I can't even do the mental health thing of getting up at 5am before the house is awake because he's bloody awake so So how was your journey into motherhood? Was it all kind of like positive or did you find you went into a dark place and that's what's made you come out of the other side? Well, I think that the main thing is that I was in debt when I got pregnant. So for me, like my number one thing was like, I have to be able to keep a roof over my child's head. How am I going to do this? Like, what do I need to do to get myself out of this situation? My relationship

with money is really bad. My self-worth wasn't... I didn't believe that I deserved to make that much money. They had some deep-rooted money beliefs that I had to figure out. And I think part of me, when Esme was four months old, going to bed really early and getting up at 5am because I know that's when my brain works best. That's my time where the world hasn't woken up yet and I am just in my genius zone. But that's personal for me. It's not a pressure for everyone else to do the same thing. You have to figure out who you are and what works for you. Some people love to work at 9pm when the baby's in bed, but by that time, my brain's like scrambled egg. It's just like not going to happen. So I started waking up at five and I started listening to meditations and affirmation tracks and and journaling about like okay what's going on how

am I gonna take control of my life and create my own business or to start making money or to do something and I just I downloaded courses workbooks went on YouTube and it was just my time for me to like know that I was growing in some way um but motherhood was was really hard like it was I loved it it came naturally to me in in a lot of ways but also I was going through the breakdown of my relationship at the same time so the first year of Esme's life was a lot of arguing with my ex and um a lot of it was a whole new chapter for us. As you know, like you have to, you both have to become two completely different people. The intimacy is lost. You don't have sex as much, anywhere near as much. Like I remember he would just be downstairs playing on his like Xbox or PlayStation or whatever it was until like late. And I'd be going to bed on my own every

night. And I think there was a time where I was like, I've never felt more lonely in my life. Like I'm a new mom, I've got this baby and I'm in a relationship, but I feel so abandoned. And I'm in London with not much family around. I have one sister in London and she's in East London. So she's quite far from me. I just didn't feel supported or nurtured or held. It was really hard. So, and then after a year we broke up and I had to move out on my own and do it on my own. I think you have to also remember that Esme's with her dad 50% of the time, which as hard as that emotionally is for me

in terms of missing her and not being around her, which I've had to like work through a lot. It also gave me space and time. Like imagine if your baby was taken away from you 50% of the time, you'd be like, right, what am I going to do with this time? So when you see, once you get over the loneliness of it and you're like, oh my God, I miss them so much. And you know, between the FaceTimes and the things like that like you do it opens up more free time and I am very I think there's a level of privilege in that like co-parenting is not the easiest thing in the world but if there was one thing that I would take from that that maybe made my journey

a bit easier it's that I was had this I had free time open up when we broke up up. I'm sure as parents we all know how messy things can get whether that's around the house during meal times and even when it comes to our little ones themselves. When it comes to wiping Alf's messy face and body I want to be sure that what I am using is the best choice for his skin with baby eczema and nappy rash being common conditions, using wipes for sensitive skin is a must. We've both been loving water wipes. We've actually used them since Alf was born and they gently clean and help protect delicate newborn and premature baby skin. They're made of just two ingredients, so 99.9% water and a drop of fruit extract. That means they are the best wipe choice for sensitive skin alf loves them

and i even find myself using them like you kind of touched on all relationships seem to change when you become parents at what point do you or did you in your experience decide this isn't just this is just isn't going to work because I feel like so many people listening will be going through something and the shift in their relationship at what point are you like actually the right thing to do is to walk away from this and how did it feel knowing that you were kind of completely changing even from the financial side of things I think that was one of the reasons why I wanted to become financially independent because there's nothing more disempowering than feeling trapped

in a relationship and wanting to leave but not being able to afford to do it that's huge and um it was scary it was scary financially it was one of the I was terrified of what people on Instagram would say that was huge because I was sharing so much of my life I knew I'd have to like tell people and people were going to have opinions and those opinions, a lot of them were probably going to be really judgmental and I was already judging myself, right? So I was filled with shame and guilt, but I didn't want Esme to be around arguing. And she was, like we were arguing and there was, we weren't always like shouting, shouting, but it was the energy and there was shouting, but I just, it wasn't nice for her to be around. And I knew that

if I was going to put her first, we had to create a peaceful environment for her. And that peace would come from us being separate. And I just knew in that moment, like we, we, I got to a point where I'd put it off and put it off and put it off. And it just like, one day I was like, I have to go, this is not working. And I think with a one-year-old, the idea of actually like getting therapy and working through it was just such a big, just such a big task to take on. And both of us were depleted and empty

and I was breastfeeding still. And, you know, I just didn't want to go through that at that time. I didn't feel ready. And there was something inside me that was like, you have to do it on your own. There's a voice inside you that tells you what to do. And I'm really, with three meditation, me and that voice are just like this. Like we're so, we're just touch tight. And I just know when my intuition's telling me

to do something, to go with it. And I do find the courage to step into that. So I just did it. And I was like, and it was the best decision I could ever have made. I love that advice as well. And I guess it goes back to what you were saying about being, not just saying things with words, but being the action that you want her to see. Because yeah, because I always think like, even with Tommy and I, and we're in a really really good place now but there was a point when I felt so much resentment and all those emotions and I remember being like at what point do we break up or at what point do we kind of try and get through it and I guess like yeah we have like the peace and the love and respect for the most part of course we bicker and stuff but yeah I love that idea of being

like well what is the right environment for this person because i think generationally we grew up in a time where people would stay together for the kids as if that was the best thing yeah and i think that just takes again a bit of discernment and being like you know your relationship you know yourself nobody gets to decide that for you and um also like in terms of the embodiment piece like what would i tell esme to do if she was in a relationship where she didn't feel happy like i'd tell her to leave you know um so again embodying what you would want your chat for your child yeah and how did you navigate the sort of co-parenting like for anyone who is maybe like thinking or putting it off like you were what

advice could you give to them i mean esme's dad is an amazing dad he's incredible and he cares about her so much like his love for her is just he can look at her and just cry because he just he's just so in love with her and i never had any problems with well he wanted to take 50 of the time he wouldn't settle for any less. Our arguments and our disagreements in the relationship were very much rooted in our own childhood wounds, right? They're just clashed. And relationships are the biggest mirror for your childhood wounds. They bring everything up. Without living with each other and without being around each other and triggering each other's shit, we get on really well. And that was the

best part of our relationship is that we were like, when we were good, we were like best friends. We would make funny skits together and funny videos together. We would laugh constantly, like we'd be in hysterics. So actually when we were co-parenting, that element came back and we just became like really good friends who were just sharing. We still loved each other, but like, and that took a while, but I think that Esme's dad and I both value as one of our core values is peace. We want a peaceful life. I want a peaceful life and so does he. So there was the odd disagreement and there was things that we weren't always aligned on, but we just made it work. And I think the main thing would be putting our egos to one side

and Esme's best interests at the heart of everything that we do. And then obviously Esme's four now. So at what point through, you know, new motherhood and the breakup, what point did you start to feel like the version of yourself now that you're not only

empowered yourself but dedicating your career to helping empower other women um I don't really know what point it was I feel like maybe a year after so maybe she was like two and I it was kind of when lockdown happened and I was like I'd done so much work on myself and I'd gone so deep into my own healing and worked with some incredible coaches and really invested in myself like every penny I made I just put into investing in myself to grow apart from paying my rent and um and that's when I was like I this is this is my path like I have to share this with other women and I know how to do it and I know how to communicate with them and I get it and um I think she would have been around around two and I started doing like online workshops and stuff like that to begin with what is the thrive project could you

talk about what it is that you do to help women and because maybe there are people listening like I need to feel happy or I want to feel empowered or I want to find myself after motherhood yeah I created a 10-week course called The Thrive Project, which is basically everything that I learned that took me from feeling so worthless and so just in such a dark place, feeling like I had no power over my own life, feeling totally in victim consciousness. how I got from that to taking my power back to then going into spirituality, figuring out that I am not just a human, but I am a soul and that soul is infinite and whole and complete and unconditionally loving and getting in touch with that part of myself. So through meditation and through mirror work and practices and all of the mindset stuff that I kind of, that transformed my life and really worked. And it took me years to do all of that. So I just wanted to condense it down for people who were like,

where the fuck do I start? Like, I don't know what I'm doing. And there's so much noise on social media now where it's like a million different people talking about a million different healing methods and modalities and mindset. And it's like, wait, which one do I even, I think that it's that overload, isn't it? It's like total overwhelm, too much information. So I really wanted to just- And that pressure to be happy. Cause I might actually do the Thrive Project. Cause I feel like I'm in that place where it's like, I want so much to be happy and I want to feel like my old self. And I do, I appreciate the joys in motherhood so much, but I still feel like I'm in the thick of like what the fuck have

i done with my life as much as i'm grateful and as much as i'm happy and i'm excited for this next chapter i'm also like i need to find me and also just like for that part of you that's freaking out because it's not the whole it's not you in your entirety that's freaking out like like you said there's part of you that's having a great time. There's part of you that's so grateful. There's part of you that's just like loving life and just so blessed and excited. But there's a part of you that's freaking out. And like, that is so normal and so human. And like, rather than trying to push that part of you away and be like, oh, why am I freaking out? I don't want to freak out. It's like, how can you pull in closer and be like, make friends with that part of you that's freaking out and be like, what do you need? Ask her like

that part of you. Like, like that's what I love to do with same as like shadow work and parts work. It's like, take the parts of you that are freaking out, that are anxious, that are doubting yourself and make friends with them. And then they'll, they'll calm down. They just want to be heard. I feel like that's good advice as well. Cause I put so much pressure on myself of like why am I not happy or why am I not getting my work done because that's what I find hard that you're still expected to work like you don't have the family life but then when you've got like the kids and the timings of that it's like I'm almost letting down both sides and then it's like when you're saying that it's like god I'm not surprised that I'm like stressed because yeah I'm trying to be everything to everyone else.

Yeah, exactly. And also to ask yourself like, well, that expectation that you feel, where does it actually come from? Is it your own expectation or is it actually from other people? And how are you taking their expectations and making it yours?

And also just realize where you're applying the pressure in your own life. And like, listen to yourself and be like, is it that I want to focus more on being a mom right now? Or is it that I want to focus more on work and do I have to do all of this and hold all of this? Which parts can I let go of? Which parts don't actually need me right now? And then just doing like, I like to do a brain dump. Like one of my favorite journaling practices is just to write down absolutely everything that's on your mind that you feel like you have to do this might be good for you right now feeling overwhelmed like literally don't stop writing set a timer for like 15 minutes and just squeeze every last thing

out of your brain look at it all and then start to just cross off the shit that you just do not need to be holding on to that you can cancel that you can say no to that you can make one phone call and be like hey i'm so sorry i'm not gonna can't do this right now and then you'll get down to a list of like maybe like five or six things that you're like yeah i can handle this and you just feel this like sense of calm it's okay to say no you know god i feel like that's good advice that we all need it's my favorite practice when i'm overwhelmed i'm like right brain dump let's go so let's um finish on i'd love to for you to give maybe like the two most helpful bits of advice that you could give to moms oh to moms okay two most helpful bits of advice that you could give to moms i would say

huge biggest piece of advice for every human, every mom is self-compassion. Like stop expecting so much of yourself and stop treating yourself in a way that you wouldn't treat other people. Like offer yourself and extend to yourself the same level of compassion and kindness and grace that you give to others. You deserve it first and you actually need it. Like you'd need compassion within yourself to be happy. The other one I would say is what we've spoken about. It's like when you're raising your children, one of the best gifts that you can give to them is your own healing and working on yourself actually serves them. And it's not selfish because you get to embody the best version of

you and when they get the best version of you they become the best version of themselves oh i love that and even like i feel like there's lots of nuggets of advice in here like how to install boundaries and how not to be swept up in the opinions and the justy weights but um megan thank you so much for coming on i actually feel a lot calmer so i hope you guys listening and got a lot from the episode as well and um thank you so much for listening to mum's the world the parenting podcast um i don't have um a message today just because i feel like we covered so much ground i wanted to hear everything squeeze all the nuggets of wisdom from megan and but i do love to hear from you. So do get in touch,

whether it's on WhatsApp, where you can send a voice message, which is obviously free. The number is 075-999-27537. Or of course, you can email at askmums, the word pod. And if you leave a review on Apple Podcasts, I also see those as well.

So whether you want to discuss anything that we talked about or whether there's a topic you'd like me to discuss and get in touch and I'll be back with another episode same time same place next week I'm sure as parents we all know how messy things can get whether that's around the house during meal times and even when it comes to our little ones themselves when it comes to wiping out messy face and body I comes to wiping Alf's messy face and body, I want to be sure that what I am using is the best choice for his skin. With baby eczema and nappy rash being common conditions, using wipes for sensitive skin is a must. We've both been

loving water wipes. We've actually used them since Alf was born and they gently clean and help protect delicate newborn and premature baby skin. They're made of just two ingredients, so 99.9% water and a drop of fruit extract. That means they are the best wipe choice for sensitive skin. Alf loves them and I even find myself using them. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got 5 minutes

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