Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Carly Rowena on Exercise and Finding Your Identity

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Founder of LetsSweat workouts, author of My Beautiful Body and to Jackson, Carly Rowena joins Ashley to chat all about finding yourself, the importance of finding an exercise you love, the power of movement and sex and relationships in this weeks Mum's The Word, the Parenting Podcast with Ashley James!If you have a question you would like to Ashley, get in touch at [e-mail]---- A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Well, hello from a very, very tired mum today because Alf is just non-stop at the moment do you know what it's actually so nice to see and I never ever thought I would hear myself say these words but he is actually sleeping I know after everything I've been through I feel like the moment he started to move around more he seems to be tiring himself out and I feel like sleep's very subjective isn't it like one person's version of a good sleeper is very different to another person's version of a good sleeper but

Alf now sleeps pretty much solidly apart from he'll wake up three times in the night to breastfeed and because he's still in the bed he doesn't even need to cry he literally just finds my boob so when I think back to I think was it like the first second or third podcast around sleep and he was waking up every half an hour I actually I can't even imagine and it's starting to like make me feel like a different person I mean you know back then I'm sure I talked about it in great detail like Like my brain felt like it didn't work. I was sleep deprived. I was angry.

I was almost on survival mode, especially because I was like jumping in between trying to like nap at any available moment and also trying to be the best mom and also trying to get work done. That friends, extracurricular activities, exercise, it all fell by the wayside, which is a shame because I just started to really enjoy Pilates and Tom had very kindly bought me 10 classes. I think because he was like just so desperate for me to like do something and for my mental health as

much as anything and also because I was becoming really resentful that he would work out every day, which he's always done because it's like very good for his mental stress and mental health and a way for him to de-stress and I'd be like it's not fair I never get this time like I never get any time away and after my first Pilates class I actually cried because I was so relieved just to get that hour away from ALF and it felt like such a big deal and that was only a couple of months ago so for anyone that is listening and struggling and feeling like they're never going to sleep again or feeling like they never even get an hour to themselves especially if you're comparing yourself to other people who seem to be doing it all like it will happen because right now it is happening for me although let's be honest it

might not and next week I might be like the demon won't sleep but I guess that's the beauty of parenthood and just trying to learn to roll with the times but it has made me think that I do need to start to prioritize exercise because I think for the first few months, I was just absolutely terrified of my body. And then as I mentioned, I was so sleep deprived that even when I tried to get back into it and I felt so great after, I just got consumed with needing sleep over anything else, which I think to be honest is survival mode. And now we are survival mode um and now we are building a gym at home not like a it's like no fitness first I mean other gyms are available that was the first one that came in my head but do you know what I mean it's just gonna have my little exercise bike I got an echelon which is a little

bit like a peloton but I think it's cheaper and it came quicker. And to be honest, it's really good. There's loads of fitness classes. Tommy loves it. And I've done it once so far and really enjoyed it. There's a Pitbull channel randomly. So if you love Pitbull. But no, there's loads of really good ones. I just did the beginners. But Tom likes doing all the hip hop classes.

And then I'm going to get a punch bag because I miss boxing. And in my single days it was great because I could imagine all my exes and fuckboys heads as I punched hard it was the best way to de-stress um so yeah I'm really really really looking forward to it being built but also I feel like no more excuses now you know the gym floor's down like it's all the equipment's starting to come some of it's already here um so yeah I just feel a bit I suppose overwhelmed because I suppose like anything when you put something off or something hangs over you it's like where do you even start again so that is why I am particularly excited about today's guest and I know that you're going to love her as well.

I am so, so excited for today's guest. She is just amazing. She's the founder of Let's Sweat Workouts. She encourages her online following to find movement that they enjoy, not just what they think they should be doing, which is a bit of me. Carly's worked for incredible brands, including Nike, Sweaty Betty. She's also launched her own activewear line. She's currently on the front cover of Women's Fitness. What? And is about to release her first ever children's book called My Beautiful Body, which is just wonderful.

And I can't wait to talk about it. It's Carly Rowena. Well, I need you to do that intro for me every single day. I'm just so pleased to have you on. It's so nice because we were chatting last week and then I was like, by the way, do you want to come on my podcast? Yeah, I was so excited because I haven't seen you since. What were we doing?

It was like a women's amazing event, wasn't it? Yeah, for Mel Wells, it was like a summit all around empowerment and um yeah women's self-love and um the self-love summit there we go that was it were you pregnant back then no I don't even know if I would have had a boyfriend back then it was probably two two and a half years ago I love that well a lot has changed since then but it's I'm so glad I get to see you speak to you again I know too. And I'm just so pleased that you've come on because I just know that you're going to be a ray of light for everybody listening. Thank you. So why don't we start and talk about your book? Because I'm so excited about this.

It's just such a brilliant idea. It's called called my beautiful body do you want to talk about it in your own words by the way I should have actually put in the intro that you of course most your most important role is that your mum to Jackson your almost three-year-old daughter I know yeah definitely the most important role but I think it is the one that I do forget sometimes um but yeah no my beautiful body I'm really ch So I basically, and I'm sure you're the same. I don't think I really picked up a book between leaving school and becoming a mom. I just don't think I really prioritized it. And then when I became a mom, I was finding myself reading a book to her before bedtime and going through picture books. And I was like, oh, this is actually really nice. And I was escaping into little worlds with her.

And then I realized that while I was reading to her, I was actually taking in the words of the book. And I thought this would be a great way to get parents or moms and kids to start thinking more positively about their body. And I mean, Jax, I'm not sure you're the same, loves her body. She's got that beautiful, big round belly. And she's always like so proud to be naked. And I just think, well, let's hold on to that. Cause I'm kind of terrified of the moment that that changes, you know, when someone finally says something to her about her body and she thinks differently. So, um, I thought I'm going to write a little book and it was really just a passion project for her. And then I kept showing it to my friends and they

were like, really love it. You should turn this into something. So yeah, I've like self done it myself and I'm really excited. The illustrations are really cute. And it came from someone who DM'd me asking to be in there. Uh do like a coloring meditation book and then I was like your drawings are beautiful do you want to be in my book so it was like a fate moment and um yeah it's out on the 1st of November and uh yeah I'm just really excited for you to receive your copy and see what you think I'm so excited and do you know what I love about it is you're right, like children have this like real love of themselves, like nothing makes me happier than seeing Alf look at himself and his reflection.

And I always think, isn't it funny that we are born perfect and we almost get kind of like, I don't know what happens in life, but we just get so far away from who we were as children. And then we kind of get to a certain age and start thinking about like self-love and development and I guess trying to undo everything that we were taught. And I feel like children are our biggest teachers, aren't we? Because I look at him and I'm like, I wish I could look at myself in the mirror the way he does. You know, imagine every time we were naked and we were just like.

Jax is exactly the same. She literally in the bath. way he does you know imagine every time we were naked and we were just like and Jax is exactly the same she literally in the bath she loves being naked she actually we have a problem that she doesn't want to keep clothes on which I think is great but we go to restaurants and she has been known to take off all of her clothes because she just says I want to be naked and I'm like well that's great let's embrace that for as long as we can. And do you know what the thing I love the most about your book as well is it's, yes, it's important for babies to love their bodies andums or even the dads because I think dads feel like a sense of um like body confidence crisis when they become parents as well and I think we forget that yeah 100% I know Leon was so worried about getting dad bod or or just kind of I think they just think that maybe they're not a priority anymore I think we all go down in the list of each other don't we when we first start being together it's the two of. And then you have a baby and it's like, well, we're not as important now. And you kind of let yourself slip.

But actually, you're always important, no matter how many people there are in your family. And it's just that level of self-care. And I think reading, I mean, Leon reads to Jax all the time when he's ready. He's been like, oh, I hadn't even thought of that. And just having a giggle about the things that your body does and thinking about it as more of a friend can really change it. I love that. And I think that's it's like we all know this stuff, don't we? Like we all know that our body is more than the way it looks and all of that. But it's so easy to get caught up, especially, I think, when you're overtired and you're dealing with like new parenthood and all the stresses that life throws at you,

sometimes you really do just need a friend, be it someone on social media or your book that's coming out just to be like, do you know what? Yes. It's almost like a hug, a little reminder. Oh, I love the idea of a little hug. I should have put that. I should have had that as your review on the back of the book. I do think one of the things that we always think about is whenever we're not happy in like a situation or we are overwhelmed or tired, we automatically weirdly start thinking about how we need to change our appearance. It's like, I'm overwhelmed by everything. Okay, I need to put myself on a diet or I'm really struggling with my workload. Okay, I'm eating too much chocolate. And it's like, how can we get the punishment? Why can't it be other things that we just need a bit more time?

And it's always the first thing to go to. So yeah, I hope this book is a little reminder and I'm excited to hear what you think. That's really interesting. You know, what you've just said about when we're stressed or overwhelmed that we try and change our appearance because I definitely feel like that. And I feel like I've kind of overcome my being controlled by the diet industry. I actually don't restrict foods and I feel like I have a pretty healthy lifestyle, although I do need to get back into exercise, which is something I know I want to talk to you about. But I actually struggle with the aging process and seeing my reflection back. And I hate myself for it. And I actually thought that whilst I'm breastfeeding

and unable to do things like Botox, even if I wanted to, I was like, do you know what, this is a really great time for me to like find self love and to try and think about all the positives of aging. Like it's such a blessing to age, especially like, you know, in the current world that we're living in, I feel like life, like it should be celebrated even more, but yet I don't see much age representation. And I think being on social media and TV and modeling, like I probably look at my face way more than any person should. And I have to remind myself, like, I definitely feel like if I've not slept or I'm really stressed that I start to pick apart my appearance and I have to almost be like,, I definitely feel like if I've not slept or I'm really stressed that I start to pick apart my appearance.

And I have to almost be like, stop it. We don't do this. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, you look fine. Do you find that you do stuff like that? Oh, 100%. I think, you know, when you're really tired, when you've got a new little one and you are no longer your primary person to take care of you take a massive back seat and things like oh my gosh I've had gray hair since I was like 18 I've had a strip at the front

I noticed the other day that I had wrinkles you know like on your chest when I got up from sleeping I was like oh I feel like I've got wrinkles like in between my boobs is that happening now what's going on here and you do start to notice I think when you're feeling really tired or you've got too much going on and you just haven't been able to prioritize yourself you really pick like just pick yourself apart and i actually used to just pick my skin and just be like oh i'd be sitting there and i'd feel myself feeling really stressed i just find myself like looking for something to pick i just think we'd like to pick ourselves apart um but you're 100 right about the aging process you don't see it online i'm kind of hoping as we all get older, you will. Not to say there's anything wrong with, you know, Botox or any of these things if you want to

do it, as long as you're doing it for self-love and not because you really dislike yourself. But I do think it's amazing that one of my friends said to me, you don't realize that while you're watching your child grow up, you're also watching your parents grow older. And that was something that really hit home to me that I was thinking, oh gosh yeah Jax is nearly three and that time my parents have grown three years older I've grown three years older how have I changed is that appearance or as a person and that it can be a hard one to get on top of that so focused by all their firsts and we're forgetting that some people might be having like their lasts not to be really depressing oh do you know what I do think that having a baby has made me feel think so much more about the circle of life and think about the fact that you know the relationship I had with my

grandparents and how long that relationship lasted and it's almost like too horrible a thought to think about isn't it that it's like oh my god my parents are now grandparents like well how did that happen yeah it's crazy isn't my parents are in their 70s. They had me quite a lot older, and I was always so worried that if I didn't have a child earlier, they wouldn't be here. But at the same time, I had friends who were parents that are much younger and they're not here. So you never really know whether you've got today or tomorrow. But it is a thing. I think when you bring someone new into the world, you start panicking about the timeframe of things. But it's also an incredible reminder to start living for the present, which

is what children really are. They don't think future and they don't think past. They're literally in that moment. And something I've been trying to prioritize a lot is not speaking to Jax about what's going to happen tomorrow or Christmas or the next event, trying to just keep her in the day that she's in, because it actually helps me to stay in that day as well. And you know what it's like when you tell a child that they're going to, I don't know, that Father Christmas is coming or that her birthday is coming, they'll ask you every day because they think it's that day now. So I try and wait to not tell her about something until it's like the day of and I'll be like, it's your birthday today. And then

she's fully in that day. I feel like as a a society we're always pushing for the next thing in jobs in life and kids are a really good reminder to just stay where you are I actually love that and you know when I trained to be a life coach that was one of the big things that they say that humans in general are not good at being in that present moment. So either, let's say like, let's take relationships. It's very easy to wish for something better. So you're looking to the future and fantasizing about future. So whether that's that you're currently single and you're like, when I get a boyfriend, I will do X, Y, and Z, but you haven't even contemplated the fact that they might not want to do X, Y, and Z z you're just building a total fantasy around what the future holds or you tend to look at the past and be like why did i break up with my ex

he was x y and z like but actually it wouldn't they wouldn't be an x if they were the right person and so it's it's yeah it is trying to like remember just to be fully present and there's this amazing cartoon i think it might be a meme that's how old I am that I say cartoons when it's a meme trying to keep up with Gen Z but it's a dog and a man sat looking out at a landscape I think and there's two speech bubbles so above the man it's like have I paid my bills have I maybe I should go on holiday and all of these like thoughts whereas the dog's like just a picture of him and his owner looking at the landscape and he's like fully immersed in that beautiful moment and yeah you're right that is that is like um children as well and obviously Jackson you're a

little bit you're well you're a three year almost three years into motherhood and I'm still very much um you know in that very early like getting used to motherhood stage and you're you're probably I kind of had a bit of a eureka moment when you mentioned about living in the present because I think that's what I've struggled so much with becoming a mom is that I'm trying to like cling on to bits of Ashley and who she was in the past, whether that's single Ashley or, you know, in a new relationship, Ashley, and being able to trap pre-pandemic Ashley and all of those things, which just don't exist anymore. Or I'm trying to think about the future and I'm worrying so much about other people's opinions based on what my own judgments and limiting beliefs were before

I was a mom. Did you find it took you a while? Where are you at mentally with motherhood now? Oh my gosh, I'm still going. I think we all are. I think it's really hard because, I don't know, I didn't have, none of us have got a manual for becoming a parent. I don't have many kids in my life when I was pregnant.

We don't have many kids in my family. My parents are much older. So I really felt like the parenting book just didn't come my way. And I really think kids are incredible at just throwing in different phases all the time. So as soon as you've got a handle on one, they start crawling and then they start walking and then they're talking and then they don't want to do what you want them to do. And so you're dealing with that. And then, yeah, the pandemic's been really hard for that because it's been so isolating in the same way. And you've got children now that, I mean, Jack's really suffers with separation anxiety because she's been with me the whole time. So you've just got this permanent guilt for

whatever you do, you might be screwing them up. And I think that's a really hard one. And then you've got the permanent guilt from your friends or family or anyone who's following you that you may or may not be doing it right because everyone's got their own opinion because anyone who's a mom or a parent is going to give you what they think works and we all seem to forget that everyone's family life situation is very different but honestly I mean I feel like I go through waves sometimes I think I've got it like I'd say today I feel like I've got it but yesterday I didn't have it at all um and I just think you have to just be really open to it and one thing I do is I speak really openly to Jax and I'll be like I'm really confused by you today I don't have it at all. And I just think you have to just be really open to it. And one thing I do is I speak really openly to Jax and I'll be like, I'm really confused by you today.

I don't know how we're going to work this out, but let's just try and understand what's going on today. Because you just never know what you're going to get. And I actually found, Alfie's eight months, isn't he? He's nearly 10 months. 10 months, sorry. nearly 10 months. 10 months, sorry. I found that when I found the newborn stage, if I'm totally honest, the newborn stage, everyone told me it was going to be so hard. I actually didn't find that so hard. It was just the lack of sleep. But I actually found,

you know, when you're working, I actually found I could get a lot of work done selfishly because, you know, what's like when you're still working full time. Then I found up until like, I called it the potato stage, you know, when they're not really moving. That was a great time because you felt like you could really connect with them, but they weren't moving. So you could still get stuff done if you needed to. And you were kind of on top of stuff. I found the kind of walking stage really tricky because suddenly you've just got to watch this little person who's everywhere and your time does become like cut in half. And then now I've got a little human who well just wants to do her own thing and she's really sassy and independent which is amazing but it means you come up with struggles because they don't want to do necessarily what you want to do and you're constantly trying to give them like a uh what would you say the word like where you're like well if you do this

then we'll do this and then I'm like why am I doing this because I don't even want to do this anyway I'm doing it for you and I'm having to like get you into doing it. So honestly, I feel like every stage is different and you'll never have a handle on it, but you've just come to kind of work it out. I actually love hearing about people's different sort of timelines of coping because I think I was a little bit like you that I really enjoyed the newborn stage. I don't think I got much work done, but it all came quite easily to me, like for the most part. And Alf really slept. And I suppose what you now call the potato stage probably is like four months to seven months is when I really struggled. Actually, let's even say like four months to eight months I think that

was when I found it really hard and I still feel like I'm coming out of it I I spoke in um previous podcast about how I'm like still considering antidepressants um but like to deal with whether it's I still don't know postnatal or just pandemic life, but we're going on holiday soon. And so, you know, I'm trying to like see how I feel once I've had that like recharge and reset. It might also be for you like you have to kind of mourn, not the loss because I think it comes back, but you do lose a part of yourself. And I kind of look at, you know, when you're with your agency, I don't know if there's anyone else going to understand this, but when they say like you've got pillars of your job like I get described as van life mom fitness and sex and relationships I feel like me as a person has now kind of becomes

Carly who's a mom Carly Rowena Carly who's fitness Carly who you know takes up to her friends Carly who's a daughter all these different things and you kind of lose a couple and I definitely think during the stage you're in you lose lose a really big part, which is probably the biggest part of you, whatever your personality, you think that is, you've probably lost that for the time being. And that's really hard. And also if you're used to being really independent and able to do whatever you like, and you've always felt quite confident in knowing what you can do, when that kind of gets taken away from you or limited, or you have to ask other people for help in order to be yourself, that's really hard. Welcome to Paranormal Activity with me, Yvette Fielding, a brand new podcast bringing together

people's real ghost, extraterrestrial and paranormal stories, as well as getting some inside details from those who study the supernatural. I'll be listening through your paranormal stories every week and try to understand them, as well as chatting about my own encounters with an occasional paranormal investigator too. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts from, including Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. So I don't know if you ever feel like this,

but I really worry about being perceived as just being a mum. And there is nothing wrong with just being a mum, but I feel like about being perceived as just being a mum and there's nothing wrong with just being a mum but I feel like as for some reason mums get this a lot more than dads although I'm not a dad so I can't really speak on behalf of them but I worry that my like for example since lockdown has ended I'm not getting many DJ gigs And a lot of the brands I was working with are now going to someone I know to get her to DJ. And that's fine. There could be a multitude of reasons for that. But I'm always told, oh, well, people might think that you're just a mom now. And I'm like, but I am a mom, but I'm also a really good DJ. And my skill set hasn't changed

just because I'm a mom. If anything, I've just like grown a shit ton more skill sets. But I think people sometimes sleep on you as a mom, which is why so many people in the industry feel the need to pretend to keep that bit separate from their career. And I suppose that's not just in our industry, that's in lots of people's industries. I feel like, you know, that could be going into the office and not having a picture of your child on your desk or so many things um so I I wonder it I wonder if that's an element of it as well that I'm constantly kind of feeling this like torment in my mind of like oh my god I've just put up another thing about me and Alf on social media like are people just going to write me off as just a mum and then I have to be, I'm just going to be a mom for the rest of my life. So I need to stop beating myself up about being a mom.

Oh no, I know this feeling. I think I get a lot of people, I do a thing on my Instagram where I ask people to share their secrets with me. And one of the things that comes up a lot is how many people don't want to have a child at the moment because I think we're all sharing the raw honesty of it. And one of the things a lot of people have said to me is that they worry about becoming a mom because it's like it presses a stop on your career. And I think that's what

you're talking about. And I can totally relate to that, that I feel like I'm working just as hard, but suddenly people only presume I'd want to talk about postpartum fitness or working out with a child and not, no, I still go to CrossFit and gymnastics and I want to work on those things. It has to suddenly, like your life fully revolves around your child, which I'd say my life 80% revolves around my child as in schedules, but my career, it's not defined by my child. In fact, I actually have more things going on and I feel more creative, but suddenly it is like you have a child and it does kind of get stopped a bit like the opportunities change people just presume and I think yourself and I and other

mums that are out there need to change that narrative to make people aware that we've become a mum but it's just another string to our bow it's not everything and do you know who um like I think is an absolute icon for showing that mums can do it all is Cardi B probably not who you were expecting I would say it wasn't but she's epic she got pregnant kind of just as she really made it into like global fame as a as a singer and I remember people trying to write her off being like oh what terrible timing now she's a mum like she won't be able to do it and she came out and said yes I will and she has and she's still like consistently in the charts and I think it's so epic because she's kind of proven that yes I can be a mom and a great mom but also I will still

dominate the charts yeah exactly I do think there's still that whole babysitting section for dads unfortunately I know so many incredible dads who work so hard and they still get tarnished with the, oh, are you babysitting? It's like, no, I'm being a dad. And I think you don't really get that for the moms. And we're still doing the same thing. So yeah, she's epic. There's so many incredible moms out there and grandparents and anyone just being a parent and also bossing, working at the same time. And it just needs to be celebrated. And all that really needs to happen is there just needs to be celebrated. And all that really needs to happen is there just needs to be a little bit more help for people that are trying to do both

because then you can be more available. You mentioned how when you have a baby, obviously like relationship dynamics change, which might be why people start to like worry more about themselves because they feel a bit less loved. And I definitely noticed a huge shift in the relationship that I have with Tommy and we're still in a really good place and we are really good at communicating but there is

definitely that sort of I'd say like a what would you call it an insecurity where we're both like do you still fancy me because we don't have the time to do all of the things that we do I always think of it as the context has changed because you're the same couple, but it's not the same situation anymore, even though neither one of you wanted it to change. Like the context is different. So the same things you used to do before, it's never going to be the same.

And you have to find a whole new context. Yeah. How would you say your relationship was with Leon from when you were pregnant, like basically from when you became a mom and how has, how have you been able to like work on that dynamic together? Just for anyone listening who like me as a new parent, trying to like figure it all out and make time for each other. Yeah, it's, it's really hard. I'm very lucky because, um, communication is a real strong point for myself and Leon. And, um, he kind of gets that we need to talk things out sometimes.

And so total honesty in that first beginning part, we spent a lot of time in separate beds because Jack's really struggled with sleeping. So that was kind of out the window. We both worked from home, which actually wasn't that great because we just drove each other insane. So what he realized for me, I mean, have you read the Love Languages book? Yeah, Love Languages book. Yeah, we did a reminder of that because we actually got given that for our honeymoon.

So we both read that again just to remember what we needed. And I know that he needs compliments. And he knows that I need him to do acts of service, like take the bins out, go and take Jax out for a walk so I can have a breather. So we really upped those things. So sex was pretty much out the window because I had a lot of stitches. But just doing those things, those acts of service service really made a difference for the two of us. And then after that, it was pretty much trying to decide how we were going to work as a family. And I knew that with

Leon, I need time to myself. It's really important. It gives me the time to then feel like I want to be with him. So he kind of had to pick up making sure the house is empty for at least an hour in the day just for me to like breathe for a second. And for him, I knew that regardless whether I could give him sex, I could actually just come and give him a cuddle, hold his hand, stroke the back of his hair, leave him like a little note, those kind of really small things that just remind them that you do really care. And then as we've not really ever had any child care so it's been really tricky to have that time to ourselves um but as Jax has got older we've just tried to do it like when she's gone to nursery we'll go and have like a coffee date in the middle of the day if we can or try and just book in a bit of time for each other and it's not easy but it also once you get into the

rhythm of making your each other a priority you can kind of fall into it. You just have to read the signals when the other person really wants you to leave them alone. Do you know what? It's so interesting because for anyone that's not read the five love languages, I so recommend it, but it basically says that everyone has their different ways that they show and want love received in return. So, you know, whether it's acts of service, physical touch, compliments, I can't remember all five, but you get the message. And even when you said acts of service, like taking the bins out, I was like, oh my God, Tommy does the bins like all the time and not once am I like, thank you so much for doing the bins. And so that is how things can kind of become, obviously that's something really minor, but it can become really big because if they've,

like if someone feels like they're constantly doing things that's the other person takes for granted for it's so nice just to be like thank you so much by the way for like doing the bins every week because it's definitely not a job I would want to do I mean we do one really silly thing that I think lots of people probably laugh at us for but whenever it's our anniversary we actually have a review so uh it's coming up in like two weeks time. We'll go to a restaurant or probably not, we'll probably click it here. And we literally sit down and we have a review and it's all very serious. It's like, are we going to continue? Even if we're in a good place or a bad place, we're like, are we going to continue? These are the things that I think has been really good.

These are the things that has not worked for us this year. Where are we at? And it's actually really good because you end up bringing up stuff and being like, oh well that's really cool oh yeah I have noticed you've been doing that stuff and at the end we're like we cheers a glass of wine and we've stayed together it's 10 years now so and you kind of like make your way through it but I do think just being honest with each other communication is the biggest thing and giving each other the space that they might need when things get a bit much because we all need space sometimes to kind of figure ourself out and then allowing each other the time to grow and figure out who you are because you're changing every day just not the same people that you were when you first met how did you navigate if you don't mind me asking sex postnatally oh yeah oh gosh sex um I don't think I had sex for

the first I'm gonna say five months I don't think um I had for the first, I'm going to say five months, I don't think. I had Jackson, the birth was quite trauma and I had 39 stitches. So it wasn't, I didn't have a great vagina for a while, let's be honest. And yeah, so for the first five months, that was definitely a no. I was in a lot of pain with a lot of healing to do. And I was terrified. I was really nervous that it was going to look different, feel different, all of the above that I think everyone worries about. But Leon was incredible. We really spoke about it and took it slow. Sex itself, I'm not someone who likes sex at bedtime. So it's actually, I hate the whole rigmarole of sex feeling it's going to be the same routine. I really can't

stand it when I kind of know the moves that are going to put on, which can be quite tricky when you've been with someone for 10 years because they kind of have their set moves. For me, it's very much like, if all my stuff is done, and I'm able to just have a little bit of like five minutes to myself, then and Jax is napping, or Jax has gone to bed, and we can be downstairs, or like she's still sleeping, and it's the morning, those kind of things work pretty well, but it's far less frequent than it ever was before. well but it's far less frequent than it ever was before um and sex has kind of had to progress into I guess it was bringing back kissing I didn't realize how quickly that had gone like we actually would be like three kisses at bedtime don't even know how that happened I'd know I'd get three kisses and then I'd fall asleep and I was like where did this come from so bringing back kissing

bringing back foreplay bringing back actually like looking at each other I realized I didn't even know that he'd shaved his beard off because I hadn't actually properly looked at his face and taken it in I was just seeing like a reflection of what I knew um so yeah it becomes more tricky but if you can bring back the small things like yeah just holding hands going for a coffee the little things that you can kind of get that connection back because for me sex comes with connection. If I don't have a connection, I don't want to have sex. 100% that I'm always like that.

And I have to feel like emotionally and intimately connected to someone. Otherwise, it's just, I think for me, it's almost like there's like a, well, number one, for some reason in my head, I don't know if everyone feels like this, but I had this six-week milestone in my head that I would be automatically healed, ready to go back to sex, exercise, life, job, everything after six weeks. And I think it is because you always hear about this six-week check. And so when that didn't happen for me, and similar to you, I had a really bad tear. I had prolapse. I had piles. There was just a lot going on. And I was terrified of my body.

And to be honest, I'm still quite terrified of my body because I still get pain sometimes, which I think is, well, I know is from they basically stitch me up a bit wrong. I still suffer from incontinence, although it's a lot less. It's still there. And it's quite hard to feel like sexy when you suffer with incontinence, although it's a lot less, it's still there. And it's quite hard to feel like sexy when you suffer with incontinence. That's interesting, by the way, that you said that they stitched you up wrong as well. Because I do feel like this is quite a prevalent thing amongst women, which is why you can still feel pain in sex or still feel pain when you're wiping.

Oh, 100%. If it helps, and I can talk to you about this afterwards, I did invest in something called a Femilift, which I've actually had in the last year. I presume you could do it earlier. I don't know. But it's basically like a laser treatment. It's a bit like microdermabrasion, but inside. And it basically, I guess, revitalizes, plumps everything up inside. And can help with um yeah pelvic floor problems incontinence sex being painful and lubrication all of those kind of things I've had two treatments now and I literally feel like I have a brand new vagina slash vulva it's been a game changer for me it might be something to look into Tommy and I joke that it's literally like losing your virginity over and over again after it is like obviously like he's so terrified

of like hurting me or being uncomfortable and I'm so terrified of being hurt so it's literally like I'm like are we ever going to go back to that kind of like really exciting like feeling sexy feeling sex like just being you know like that kind of like raw sex kind of thing as opposed to like lying on your back terrified and him being like is this okay and you're like oh yeah I think so yeah I remember I was watching um what was it called uh sex life with Leon I can't remember it was like not that long ago and I was like oh can we start having that kind of sex please because I haven't had that in a long time. And he's like, yeah, do you think you can take it? I was like, well, I'll try. I think, yeah, I mean, I miss that part of me so much. But honestly, I do feel like all of that can come back. It's just

you have to work, you have to have the time to kind of work on yourself a bit. And I do feel like what it takes like nine months, nine, 10 months to make a baby, give yourself at least a year before you expect yourself to be feeling, you any kind of normality I know that's horrible but I do think that just needs to be said more it's a big change and you know I'm amazed by people that manage to have babies so close together because I couldn't imagine that myself and sometimes I'm uber jealous that they feel like they got their sex life back that quick and yes oh my god I was miles off. I always said before I had children, which bear in mind, I never really wanted them, but I'd always say I want two kids or I'd have children really close together. You know, all these like hypothetical things that you say. And I've seen a few people

that gave birth around the same time as me who've announced that they're pregnant. And I'm always like, you've had sex yeah I mean I can honestly say that everyone who was pregnant at the same time that I know of is on their second or has even had their third now and I haven't had a second and I'm like what is wrong with me I'm just not ready yeah because it is like even like I feel like I'm only just starting to be less scared of my body um what was the journey like for you you mentioned that you had stitches and what how did you stop being scared of your body and how long did it take um I think I've always been pretty connected with my body um I loved pregnancy

didn't like giving birth didn't enjoy the first like 12 weeks I found that really odd but I also knew I guess from my background with fitness um and kind of knowing the body I knew what to do to kind of start working on it so I did start working on that pelvic floor pretty soon and core control and all those things so I felt like I got kind of my ownership back on my body quite quickly um people say that I snapped back but it's ridiculous I snapped back to like a completely different body for me but I guess it looked the same to other people. But I think for me, there was a lot of mental work that I had to do

because I don't feel like the same person I was before. And I was getting a lot of judgment from people being like, I can't talk about postpartum because I didn't look like I struggled with postpartum. And I can't talk about stretch marks because you can't see my stretch marks. I hate this. I've spoken about this before like the judgment on the female body after birth no matter how you look is it you just can't win no because no matter how you look it's not the body you had before it is still a different body

even if it looks okay or is deemed okay by other people and yeah it just blew my mind that people were kind of, I guess, judging it in every single way. So I actually struggled more with how other people perceived my body than how I perceived it. Because I think because I was working on it and able to mentally kind of take back some control, I didn't find liking my body too difficult. What I found harder was, I guess, allowing Leon to like my body I kind of liked it but I was like is he gonna like it because this is different to before and talking about exercise because I I mean I've always I say always I've not always loved exercise I used to see exercise as something

as a punishment you did for eating nice food um but then I got over that and I I found things that I really enjoyed doing like I I loved Kobox classes. I'm still in that. I thought I would have gone back to exercise much sooner, mainly because I suffer so much with anxiety and I always feel so much better. I guess for anyone who is listening who isn't back in exercise and maybe wants to, but is built up or afraid of their body or just like not sure where to start, what would

you what would you recommend i mean starting is the hardest thing for anyone because you naturally build up a fear and i think we're predisposed to think that exercise is like a 5k run an hour in the gym a certain amount of calories like there's like a time limit and a certain effort that you think you have to give and the thing I try to always say to someone is after you've had a baby, you are at this optimal time where your body is kind of brand new. It's kind of like a starting point again. You can kind of undo all the things that you did before because you're starting with exercise pretty much as a newbie. I mean, I exercised until the day I had Jax, but I knew that when I was starting again,

I was starting brand new because I don't know this body. So you can kind of create like the best adventure. That's what I say to a lot of new mums. So be honest with yourself, first and foremost. You are not going to work out seven days a week for an hour. That's not going to happen. Think about what you actually have in a day. And that's what I say to most people. Think about, do you have any time?

Is there five minutes, 10 minutes? Is there someone that can have your little one for a little amount of time so you could do something some kind of movement each day if there is amazing if there isn't is it five times four times literally work it down to the minimum that you can do and actually stick to and even if it's a day that's great then we want to think about is how much time you have so time divides a lot of things. I have not done, I mean, I used to go to CrossFit all the time. I now go to CrossFit maybe, I actually, when I first had Jax was able to go a lot more often because I prioritized that and I actually got myself a PT while Jax was at the potato stage or the newborn stage. She didn't move. So I could exercise then. Now she moves,

I can't do it. So I found that part really, really hard, but think about what you can actually do in that time. And the biggest thing is to think about what you actually enjoy. So you don't have to go to the gym, you don't have to run, you don't have to do 100 crunches. You just have to think about is there a way that you would enjoy moving your body? And what way is that? Like, is it going for a walk? Is it a swim? Is it dancing to your favorite band? Is it climbing a climbing wall? Is it going for a walk? Is it a swim? Is it dancing to your favorite band? Is it climbing up a climbing wall? Is it wearing your baby as, you know, in the carrier? So that's like a heavy weighted walk.

Is it getting a punch bag in your garage and just punching out for 10 minutes? I'm going to wait for my punch bag to come. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's the best. But, you know, is it paddle boarding? Is it, you know, what is it? Because ideally, if you enjoy it, you're going to do it. If you hate it, you're not going to do it. And that's the honest fact.

And then it's kind of thinking, how can I always kind of keep this in my life? Like exercise for me is the same as eating, going to the toilet and swimming. I know I'm going to try and move in some way every day. Now, whether that's walking the dog or going up and down the stairs in the house a million times, picking up stuff, I'm going to move. And I think that's what the dog or going up and down the stairs in the house a million times picking up stuff I'm gonna move and I think that's what the game changer is too often we just think I need to do a thousand crunches and I've got to burn x amount of calories to get back to my pre-baby weight and it's just not that it's not doable that's really good advice and actually I've just seen um that I've got a question through this week from someone called Kim she left us a review

on Apple podcast and put the question here and it ties in perfectly to what we're talking about because she says hey Ashley I was wondering whether you could get a fitness coach to come in with some suggestions for a workout that isn't too hard on my pelvic floor and knees I've always struggled with my knees and now after giving birth I know the importance of my pelvic floor and I don't want to push myself too hard too soon I had my baby nine months ago now and I think I'm ready to get back into a slight exercise routine for my fitness and mental health but I'm really nervous yeah so with pelvic floor it's a really hard one because so many of us um lots of us don't actually know how to use it so I definitely recommend um like

LV has an amazing trainer there's also some free apps out there to kind of help you with pelvic floor to really get to grips with it but when it comes to things like pelvic floor and also with knees, you just want to reduce impact. Like so many times in workouts, there's all these jump squats and burpees and jumping lunges that you want to kind of stop. And although those movements are good because they get your heart rate going, if you have just had a baby or struggling with any of those things, it's not going to make you feel your best. So you basically just want to think of a way that you can move to get your heart rate up without jumping around so even if you're like going if you do a squat and then you stand up as if you were going to jump but you end up on your toes you don't actually leave the ground that's going to work

really really well because you're not actually leaving the ground and getting that plyo movement in there um another thing you want to work on which i think a lot of us underestimate is your pelvic floor and your core. It's all linked. And even if you haven't experienced any diastasis, which is where you get that coning down the middle, you've got to rebuild your insides effectively because it's all moved around and made space for a baby. So I've got a couple of diastasis workouts, but just a slow movement where you're focusing on actually bringing everything together inside. And once you've got that down to a T, then you probably find that your pelvic floor and all those other things are going to feel much stronger. You might not have the problem.

I think too many of us go, oh, well, it's like six weeks and I seem to be OK, so I can start doing this now. But internally, it's all just like moved around and we need to kind of help it have a corset again. But yeah, I've got loads of workouts that I can share and I'm always happy to create one. It's all just like moved around and we need to kind of help it have a core sit again. But yeah, I've got loads of workouts that I can share and I'm always happy to create one. We can always do a live or something where we can do some workouts or something together. But yeah, I'll happily share loads of movements. But just think of the basics. Don't jump around so much.

And with knees, a resistance band can be quite good instead of having weights because you can really work on your form and make sure your knees are always sticking out a little bit. God I feel like you've like answered that and more that's so so useful and your workouts Carly they're on your on your Instagram? Yeah yeah so I've got them on YouTube or on Instagram and I also teach classes three times a week so I have a lot of people who are postnatal who come on there because it's really early in the morning so usually our little ones are still asleep and although no one wants to roll out of bed and into a workout at least you can roll out of your bed in your pajamas and into a workout and if your little one does scream I can't hear them because it's on zoom so it works out really well but yeah if you're if you're a new mom that's you know struggling with exercise I'd actually say one

thing that I did find easier which I know is harder now because actually your little one is a little bit older that kind of newborn once you've been signed off up to i'm gonna get so hated the same potato stage is probably one of the easier times for you to start fitness slow fitness just like walking and stuff because they're not moving so much so you can't fit yeah no no you still can you still totally can you just probably have to ask for a little bit more help for someone else to help you which is something I really struggle with but when they're not moving you can kind of do some exercise and obviously you know they're going to be fine and then as they get older and now you're going to have that home gym which is really cool it's not bougie it's totally needed um you can get them

to join in like kids love watching and copying what you're doing and I don't know but a really fun workout is just doing what your kid does it It's exhausting. Like just let them be in a gym space, let them move around and you do stuff with them. Jax does burpees and pushups and planks and down dog. And she thinks it's fun. It's like a game and you're setting a really good example to them that movement is fun. So hopefully they'll grow up and not see it as the chore or the punishment that we all saw it as. And it's funny, isn't it? Because children, again, they've just got it right

because their playtime, they're exercising all the time, but they're not even aware that they're exercising. They're just having fun. Yeah, I know. I literally, I always put in, it's called a bear crawl. You know, when you're like on your hands and your knees and your bum's in the air. Kids do that all day long.

And yet when I ask adults to do it, it's like I've asked them to do like a thousand burpees. So yeah, if you can just watch, you know, your kid doing stuff, but just don't be afraid to move and exercise in front of your kids. Don't be afraid to use them as the weight. They love it. And just, you know, just don't, just don't put yourself off exercising by thinking you've got to do it for a certain amount of time, or it's got to be a certain level of hard. It just means you're just moving if you just could move throughout your day in a way that you feel good you're going to start getting that confidence back and you'll be stronger before you know it god i feel inspired thank you you've got this you've got this i feel

like we've covered so much ground but um i'm gonna let you go but you've just been such a joy and thank you as always everyone for listening to Ashley James first time mum parenting podcast and don't forget if you do have a question you want me or guests to answer then get in touch you can email askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com you can leave us a voicemail on whatsapp the number is sorry a voice note 40759927537 or you can leave it as a review on apple podcast like kim did today and if you are listening on apple podcast please leave us a review a five-star rating really helps others to find us and if you've enjoyed the episode and you think someone might enjoy it as well then tell another person and help us reach more people and I'll be back same time next week with another episode

and a different guest