Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Celebrating 2 Years of Parenthood with Tommy!

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Join Ashley and Tommy as they celebrate Alf's second birthday and the second anniversary of their step into parenthood. We answer your questions, tell their story so far including their changing relationship and the highs and lows they have faced. Do you have a question for Ashley? Get in touch at [e-mail]---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well hello, this is our first official podcast back in 2023 so I don't know how long you can get away with saying happy new year but happy new year and I'm very excited about this podcast because I've got the ever elusive and slightly reluctant Tommymmy aka my boyfriend we need to find like a better name than boyfriend sounds a bit meh but anyway tommy came on last year on alf's first birthday and we wanted to record on our second birthday which was a few days ago but we just got back from holiday and I think Alf allowed us two hours sleep before Jet and I kicked in. Two and a half.

Two and a half hours, yeah. So we were very, very tired. So we were a few days late, but we're doing this in honour of Alfie turning two. And lots of you have asked lots of questions, which Tommy hasn't seen yet. Which I asked for a few days ago.

Tommy and I are very different because he likes to prep things in advance whereas I'm a very last minute person. But I gave him to the point where

I was wearing shorts about two minutes ago. Yeah. Tommy didn't know I was also filming it. And getting the questions an hour in advance is actually very organized for me.

It is. I haven't read them, so we're off the cuff. So, hello. Hello. How are you? Good. I thought to start with, because obviously you came on a year ago, which, by the way, you can still listen to,

we just have a little recap recap so how would you summarize the last couple of years of being parents um it's hard to to encapsulate in a short summary but it's been it's been a journey i think and i think the last few months in particular have been really rewarding and i've definitely seen a change in us and in the relationship we have with alf and the way that he's become more engaging and fun and um i feel like we've had a bit more autonomy back again and a lot more fun and a lot more... Can't wait to ruin it with a second. But no, I've loved it.

I've loved it all. The highs, the lows, the sleepless nights, the mornings. You have not. That is a lie. You have not loved the sleepless nights. No, but it seems a long time ago now. The times when it was really tough in the first year, that seems like a distant memory now.

It's funny how things just, you move on and you adapt and you get your freedom back a bit more. And then now we're about to do it all again. So this is what I would say. I would say the last, I'm not going to say the last year because I feel like the last year

has been up and down, but I've definitely enjoyed it more since he turned one i think since he turned one it's got better and better although i would say i loved the first like three months but we were in lockdown as well so we didn't have that that support and we didn't have that freedom that we would have now to go out and you know to do things as a family we were stuck inside quite a lot do you know what i think the big thing was though and i think this would be a case for lots of new parents whether you're in lockdown a lot that for me personally the biggest hurdle was like the resentment because actually at the beginning i remember just feeling so like bitter of like how much i felt like was on me because obviously af was breastfeeding so

sadly you don't have boobs especially not lactating ones and so even if you try to do help in the night really he just needed milk and boobs and you couldn't help with that yeah he didn't take a bottle so i think that was the hardest thing as a couple because we had to like learn how to like deal with essentially me hating you. The hardest thing for me was the middle of the night period when it's like you've just gone to sleep and then they wake you up an hour or two hours afterwards and you're not yourself.

You say things that you regret or you don't act the way that you would act in the day. And then obviously that can cause friction. And for me, that's been a learning experience. And period is like sometimes like just not saying what you want to say in the middle of the night and just being closer together as a couple and a unit. I think that's super important and that's taken time to,

to learn and develop. Do you know what I would say that are the hardest thing is definitely the sleep deprivation. Cause I feel like at the beginning with Alf, we went into it as like, we know there's going to be sleepless nights, but we're in it together. And how hard can it be? And probably like the first,

I mean, for four months I slept sitting upright, didn't I? I i was just so light i just didn't want to put him down and i was like the sleepless nights are worth it and then i feel like four or five months in the adrenaline kind of goes and you and it fit because at the beginning i was like the sleepless nights i'll be fine because i am a DJ and I hardly need any sleep. But I didn't realize that when you're DJing or partying, you can like mong out on Sunday to recover and recuperate. Whereas it felt a little bit like torture. I mean, it literally is a form of torture, isn't it?

In like, what's the prison? Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo Bay. They use it as a form of torture. So they literally will, as soon as you go to sleep, they keep waking you up. And there has been moments, even in the last... Don't scare people that much.

No, but some people might not have to deal with sleep deprivation. No, I think every baby's different, right? And my friends have had babies since we've had babies. And they seem to have a slightly different experience to us. Some have had similar, some are worse, some are better. Everyone's different, but we've always been lucky with Alf that he's always been super healthy and happy. And, you know, he's just the best little dude.

He's just got a lot of energy like me and he doesn't want to sleep that much. And I didn't as a baby. Although last night he slept from and i said we both slept from 7 30 p.m until 6 a.m which for us is like that's got to be one of the best nights so i feel like maybe we're on i say we're on the up but it's not linear is it like we thought we thought sleep was better and then he went for a few months of 3am. But your original advice is, yeah, don't say things in the heat of the night. I would say the only times that we really argue is about sleep. Or when I take pictures of you.

That's because he takes them really badly. No, I don't. I hate it. There's no winner there. So basically lots of people have brought in questions. I've tried to kind of organize it so it flows a little bit. So for you, what has been the hardest thing about becoming a dad? And do you ever worry about not being a good dad? Because quite a few people said that their partners always kind of question themselves

about whether they're a good dad or not. I would say I've never worried about being a bad dad. I've always thought that I would be a good dad. And, you know, I take a lot of pride in being the best dad I can be. The thing that you most adapt to is probably like the freedom piece. So pre-children, you know, you chose what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it, what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it how you wanted to do it um that's that changes completely obviously when you have children and

and i guess adapting to that would probably be the most tricky part but that said like it's funny how you adapt and evolve and i can't imagine life without him now. So the whole, like I wouldn't say there's anything that's been the most difficult thing, probably like just that change in like your day-to-day and having that freedom to do what you want when you want. But equally, like I love exploring with Alfie now and taking him out and he's got to the age where I can do that more. He's not reliant on you.

Like he can come out with me for a few hours. We can go to the park. We can, when we're on holiday, we can explore the beaches and play together for hours. And it's wicked. What would you say the hardest thing is? I would say similar to you is like, I think because everything

happened for us so quickly so i very much went from yeah being single be like and as you know so headstrong yeah yeah no yeah okay we both were being single to moving in living together under lockdown and but i was very like missent wasn't it I mean I'm still independent but I think how quickly everything moved from single to relationship to living together to having a baby I'd say I spent the first like I mean I would even say two years like it's only recent like I'd say yeah only until Christmas where instead of like being resentful about the fact that I can't do what i want when i want i was a bit it feels a bit more like a distant dream now so for example

even the flight when we went on holiday instead of being like oh normally i'll be able to binge watch a film or i kind of just went into it of like okay this is this is going to be hard and actually i was pleasantly surprised because he was really good and yeah like you said he's getting like to an age where he he gives a lot more back and you can actually do things so like if you i don't know whether it's going for a walk or going to the park he actually wants to do things and do things with you as opposed to like you pushing him on a swing and him just like sitting there like a lump and you're like this is really boring but am i meant to pretend it's fun yeah yeah yeah um so i'd say that's been the hardest thing of just like that complete lifestyle shift but then when you look back there's obviously lots of amazing

memories in between there so maybe going into having the second baby like number one our lives already changed so much but you can feel like even through like lots of the monotony there's like really precious moments yeah and monotony there's like really precious moments yeah and i'm sure there's probably people listening who are in you know been in relationships for a short amount of time and have find themselves having a baby like we did and it was it all very very quick wasn't it it was like you know we met locked down had a baby two years later number two's round and it's like wow move to a new area new house yeah although lots of my friends who've been in relationships for a long period of time also

like yeah everyone is challenging of course what's your favorite thing about each other's parenting i love how fun you are with alph because i feel like i'm more like well I don't think I'm that fun I like to like do the learning and the the like nurturing whereas you come in and you like throw him around and tickle him and you can tell that he loves like when daddy comes into the room because it's like a new energy yeah no I think you're he's he's obviously like so intelligent it's ridiculous I know everyone says that about their kid by the way but like he's so clever he's more intelligent than me already he's um yeah i think i think he's obviously got your thirst for learning and what i love about your parenting is how patient you are

with him you've always been patient with him and i've never seen you lose your call with him once, which is mad. You know, when we were on holiday and he was crying at three in the morning and I was walking around the beach at half three, I even lost my call a little bit with him and felt so guilty afterwards. But I've never seen you do that. Yeah, it's funny because I'd say that I'm quite an impatient person but with him, I do have this like weird... God, you scare me. You're like, I'm a pretty chill dude.

Like I'm a bit internal optimist. You know, like kindness to me is such an important trait. Wait, I am kind. No, you are super kind and like being patient with people but I would say I'm more patient in general whereas with Alfie I've never seen you lose your call or

stress or shout at him I think it's just remembering that they're not doing anything wrong or naughty like even if and also it's like when you know when we got back from holiday and you like lost a cool bit with him because we were like both so tired and he woke up after two hours and obviously we've been on a long flight and I remember being like

we chose to take him out the time zone so we can't be mad at him of course but um yeah what what advice would you give for new parents I find this one quite a hard question because obviously everyone's journey is so unique. A, because the biggest thing that the times when we argued or disagreed is when we haven't communicated how we feel that we should approach the situation or how we think we should parent in that particular situation. So I think communication is so important and giving each other that time that that other person needs on a daily basis. So, you know, for me,

I just need like half an hour a day to go for a run or exercise or just have some Tommy time. And I'm good. So I'm a better dad, better husband, better, better personal rounds. And I know that you're,

you're similar. You need that time to yourself. You need your alone time, whether you need to sleep or nap. Sleep or nap. I do other things. Yeah. I'm heavily pregnant right now yeah exactly you're like i exercise and actually yeah whenever you want to eat your cake or your crisps i know i'm joking um so so yeah i would say that is communication is the most important and supporting each other and i think especially

for dads especially in the earlier days, it's just doing everything around the house that, you know, we can't, the feeding and, you know, the baby's naturally going to gravitate to mom. Whereas I'm like Cinderella around the house, cooking, cleaning, tidying up around after you, you know, that's my job, whatever to keep the house in a good place and i'm happy with that yeah i feel like that is like i'd say like the biggest advice is the communication and

i remember like in the early days it was like not necessarily weekly like we'd have a meeting but we'd be like what can we do like i remember you saying what more can i do and like what do we need from each other but even like it's down to as much as like intimacy like i think a lot of couples shy away from being honest about how they feel especially if you know your mom and you're recovering postnatally there is that sort of like imaginary i don't even know who made it or where it came from with like six weeks and you will be healed and that certainly wasn't the case for me and i think like just being open about how you feel with all of that makes such a big difference. I think as well,

like trying to get that romance and intimacy together between each other when you have the opportunity to. So whether that's like a date night once a month for. We haven't done that. I think we've done like three or four dates. We've done a few. We've done done that. I think we've done like three or four days. We've done a few. We're very fortunate of the support

network that we have around us. When my parents have stayed over or we've had the chance to go for dinner, we've done that several times or a weekend away and then a couple of times. So important. It just brings you back as a couple rather

than just parents but obviously that's all dependent on your network this is a question that i got from someone and who said her husband finds parenting a chore and expects or wants her to do it all how does she help him i my response is gonna be it's going to be very different. I'll be like, divorce. I'm staying quiet. I would just say like parenting is, it's a commitment on both sides. So, you know, there's huge parts of parenting that I find a chore. Like I'm not naturally good at like the cooking.

There's so, putting them to bed, like there's so many parts that I'm like, ugh, boring. But you can like work together on like, you know, you quite like doing bedtime now, don't you can like work together on like, you know, you quite like doing bedtime now, don't you? I think it's just working through like what you're good at and what your natural strengths are

and then sort of getting in a routine of it. Like I like putting Alfie to bed and doing his bath time every night if I can. I think in the past year, I could probably count the times on my hand when you've done it. Yeah, but I did it for 365 days at the beginning. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I don't know.

So I like that. And then I don't mind, you know, the mornings most of the time and then we'll swap or we'll take it in turns. I can't relate to someone who calls it a chore. Like it's hard. Like it causes pain. It's hard. And going to work for me is

is like a wellness retreat and then you come home and it's like bang um but i would never say it's a chore it's difficult it's hard you know me and my friends talk about this a lot but it's still like i still miss him when i come home like i want to get home as fast as i can to see him spend time with him and on the weekends and now he's got to an age where he's just more funner and and we can do things together as father son he's in like with all his words and like he wants to interact with you doesn't he like at the moment he's got all these little like people and toy animals and he brings them up to me and goes like, and he wants me to sing on McDonald's. And if I like hold up the cow, then he does the cow and the moo, moo, moo.

So it feels less like you're just sort of like on a one-way entertainment. Maybe that dad just, it's just, I'd just say to that dad, keep going, mate. Stay strong. It gets better. It won't feel like a chore eventually. And I would say to the wife just remember like it's not your job anymore than it is his job like you both decided to have children so yeah all right stay strong let's move on because we've talked a lot about kind of like recaps but let's go back to birth the question was what was the hardest thing about watching your partner deal with birth trauma. So what was it like for you being in the birth, but also kind of like coping with the aftermath of, I guess,

physically and mentally me with recovering from birth? Yeah, I think I read obviously a couple of books and a couple of my pals had had babies a few years before, but I'd never spoke to them about the actual birth. And I feel like this is very much a taboo subject that people, guys don't really speak to each other about what actually happens, what actually the woman goes through. So that was, it was an emotional rollercoaster for me.

Like, you know, I knew how much pain you were going through and how seeing the trauma that you were going through. And, you know, I told you I had to take a little time out just before because it was just all got a bit too much for me. But for me, I mean, there's nothing I can do really, like apart from being there to support you and come for you. I kept saying, trying to talk to you and you were like, no, shut up, go away.

Stop saying it's going to be all right. No, I think because you were like, you're nearly there. Oh, nearly there. Yeah, yeah, that was it. I was like, fuck off, I up. Go away. Stop saying it's going to be all right. No, I think because you were like, you're nearly there. Oh, nearly there. Yeah, yeah, that was it. Fuck off. I'm not nearly there. Stop saying that because I was trying to zone out. Can we swear in this podcast?

Yeah. I mean, yeah, we can swear. Okay. Mum's a word. The hardest part was that unknown and nothing could prepare you for it. But equally, like, wow, what an experience. How do you feel now that we're about to have another one like would you go into birth i know that obviously the first one was much

more predictable because it was a vaginal birth this one's hopefully unless she comes early going to be much more sort of regimented and you know we'll know the time the date but how do you feel about going into birth the second time yeah i think the whole experience is different you're going in previously cold and unknown and it's this huge of course it's a massive event but i think with the the fact that we've gone through already now with the second one the fact that we know that it's hopefully going to be a C-section, then it's a different experience. And I think like, you know, where you spoke about it about going before to a hotel and having dinner

together and go, hopefully going in on the day, having it on that day. And then having to know that you're going to stay overnight. And it's a lot different. Whereas before it was very much like middle of the night. Shit, this is it now. Let's go. Have I packed the bag? How do we get there?

Have we got everything ready? Okay, then we get there and it's like, wow, okay, we're here for a long time. I haven't slept for two days. And then bang, here's a little baby. Wow, he looks blue. This is our baby. I would still be like open-minded idea that there could still be like

lots of variables that could go wrong. Yeah, of course. Of course. But I think we're more prepared now and we have the benefit of hindsight and experience that we didn't have previously. So I'm a lot more optimistic and a lot more prepared, I think. Just looking forward to being a girl dad. How are you feeling about having a daughter and do you think your parent heard differently

to Alf maybe if you ask me that in a year or so we'll be doing it same time same place next year I don't know next year we'll have to do one for Alf's birthday and for her birthday so you'll be on twice a year.

Okay, brilliant. No, I'm really excited to be a girl dad. I think so lucky that we've got one of each. And I think Alfie is, it's funny when you look at Alfie, he's very much like a hybrid between me and you. I think a lot of his personality traits is very much yours. Sorry about that.

Every time I walk in the room, no more daddy. Go away, daddy. Whereas I feel like little girl, you know, maybe she's a bit more like me and I'm excited to see that and how her personality evolves. And yeah, I can't wait. I think I'll be pretty adamant that they won't be parented to differently. I mean, with Alf, I've been really conscious of the fact that, you know, if he wants a pink doll, he can have a pink doll.

You know, he's got lots of little books about women and strong women. So I feel like I'll make a point even with her to bring her up in an environment where she knows that she can be anything she wants to be, even if they are like traditionally male dominated roles. You know, I want them both to feel like their sex or their gender isn't better or worse or isn't going to hold them back from anything. And in the case of Alf, it's like nurturing his sensitivity. And in the case of her, I'm certain that she's going to be really boisterous. I feel like just like her movements in my tummy,

like she's a much more like boisterous person. Yeah. Lots of questions around the fact that how did we feel ready to have two? I don't think you're necessarily ever like, you're never going to be perfectly ready for having a baby at one, two, three, four. I think we just, it just, well, yeah, two, we're good with two. Two's good. It just sort of naturally happened.

And we always like the idea of having two and I know how much you wanted a little girl. But I had to also know that I was trying again with the idea that we only wanted two and it might be another boy, which I was actually more at peace with that than how much it was like a hard thing for me to get my head around having a boy,

which obviously now i couldn't imagine not having alf but yeah and i thought we'd always have two boys i'm still this still hasn't really sunk in that we were having a girl yeah to be fair i'm still it'll be surreal like with alf we named him pretty much from 10 weeks and he was always out whereas her i still refer to her as baby girl and still like not really agreeing potentially got a name potentially got a name i think i didn't necessarily feel ready to have two but definitely for the first year i was like what the hell have i done how would anybody want more than one because it's so full-on and intense and obviously you're going through so much like identity shift and i miss my friends and being able to travel and then i think

it was as we yeah like you said as you get a bit more autonomy back you kind of see the light through it so even though i know that we're like going back into the trenches to an extent like i thought a little bit more about like well where do we see things in five years or ten years and I loved the thought of him having a sibling and I love the thought of like being able to take them out to like fun things and the fact they'll be able to play with each other but I know I definitely went through like a stage for a few months where I was like do I want another one do I not want one? And I was almost like working myself up about it. And then, yeah, thinking, okay, I remember saying to you,

I had like the natural cycles app, didn't I? And I was like, I'm fertile now. If we're going to do it, I feel like we should just get it out of the way. Yeah. Yeah, I think I like the idea of having a busy household forever. Yeah, I think I like the idea of having a busy household forever. And I like the idea of always entertaining and having people in our house and filling it with like experiences and good times and having the fact that Al's now going to have a sister

and then she'll have friends and then he'll have friends and having them all come together and going traveling and adventures and doing that as a four, that really excites me. And I think, you know, the first couple of years are obviously really tough, but then to the point where we got now with Alfie where it's just so much fun and it's just a different experience to get both of them in that stage together. And Alfie can be a big brother and look after his little sister. And, you know, we can do all these things together.

And that really excites me. And, you know, stages pass, like, you know, tough times pass. Time is your ally at the end of the day. And I think we are very fortunate we've got, you know, these two that are very close together that I think in the next five, years are just going to be so much fun i hope so i would say a part of my decision making and having another um and obviously everyone's different was that i know that we could afford the like the help knowing that okay we can get through child care and have that autonomy and for me to be able to go back to work that was like a big a big thing for me as well um otherwise maybe we

would have had to have waited a bit longer yeah my mom and dad waited four years between us i think four years after me because i was that bad um sorry dad but yeah no two years done now we've just right let's get through it and then um and um and also after that after i recover from the childbirth this time i can have corrective surgery from my first birth which is exciting so i feel like i can almost like get my body back after kind of giving it up to someone else for so many years which is also like comes with lots of benefits like I loved breastfeeding um although it will be like interesting to get my my mindset back into that sort of like giving up my autonomy to an extent welcome to the train happy podcast with me tally rye this is the podcast that helps you have a

feel-good relationship with fitness food and body image each week we'll be digging into an intuitive and inclusive approach to our health and well-being as we're joined by leading experts friends of mine and you to hear more about the journey of letting go of diet culture and feeling good in the skin you're in. It's a podcast for everyone no matter what body you're in. You can find us wherever you found this podcast. Just search Train Happy wherever you get your podcasts and hit follow. wherever you get your podcasts and hit follow. Do you think there's anything that we do differently to support me in the newborn days?

That's probably a question for you. I feel like we actually like kind of smashed it. I mean, luckily the Euros isn't on this time around. Because Tommy was like, can I go with my mates and watch Euros? And I didn't want to be a dick and be like no but I remember feeling that has a good rollercoaster

I went to pretty much every game yeah and I remember feeling really pissed not pissed off because I was like objectively yes of course you deserve

to go watch like the football which you love with your mates but subjectively I was like I used to have fun and I remember like

it'd be really sunny days and you'd just like but I would always I would always graft to get to that game before. And I'd always make sure there was someone there with you to support you, whether it's my mum, my sister, my family or your friends. I'd never leave you on your own. I think that's the most important thing, especially for dads and guys, is make sure you do your due diligence.

Like plan ahead for, if you're going to watch a football match, plan ahead, get reinforcements in. And there were actually a few times when mentally I wasn't okay. Like, do you remember you were meant to go to the rugby and I was like- Had my top on.

Yeah, literally ready to leave. And I honestly was like, I'm scared to be on my own today. It's not worth it. Because my friend was meant to come around and she cancelled didn't she and i i said to tommy i was like i honestly like my i was in a really dark place then and i was like i can't be on my own all day yeah so you were like top off dad hat back on yeah i don't know i feel like we are more prepared for the newborn days like number one obviously it's not lockdown

so we can have a bit more support. But because I'm doing the C-section, like you have two weeks off with paternity. Yeah. Then your mum's coming to stay. Potentially my mum might come and stay for a couple of weeks. So, you know, we are. I think it's a bit like when people go on holiday

and you get back from holiday, say you have a week or two weeks off and then you're like, shit, what do I do for work again? Like, how do I do this? And then after like two or three days, it just comes back. And I feel like the newborn stage this time will be very much, it's been so long, but once we bring her back and we sort of settle into the first few days,

then things will start coming back to me. But also, we've just got to go with the flow because ultimately you can be really pragmatic and be like, we're going to do it this way, this way, this way, but she might be different. Also, she might have colic or there's so many. I feel like you can plan to an extent, but really until they're there,

there's not that much that you can do. But one unsolicited advice I would give is, like, definitely go see a cranial osteopath for them if they're, like, you know, if they seem very unsettled because that made such a difference for Alf and I'm definitely going to do it with baby girl. Like, even if you just go once, they're like magicians. Yeah. Do we feel guilty on Alf having another baby?

I would say no. I feel like how lucky that he gets to have a sibling. Yeah, I think so too. I think it's funny that you love this little person so much and then you think, how can I love anyone more than this little dude? And then obviously when she's here, I'm sure it will all change and we'll love her just as much. But it's, yeah,

that is something I've thought about. Like you spent all your time and focus and love and attention on this one little person. And then another one comes and it's like, wow, how did you repeat that? How do you replicate that? But like you said, I'm sure I'm soon as soon as she's here. And as soon as she's here and as soon as like Alf sees her and I'm very interested to see the

dynamic between those two I think it's also being because we had like we had Snoop obviously my dog

our dog so and I'm joking he's up north he's up north he's up north and he's literally changed their life I can't believe you said that that's not funny I'm joking. He's up north. He's up north. He's up north. And he's literally changed their life. That's not funny.

I'm sorry. Yeah. So we were really conscious when Alf came into the house of like making sure Snoop still had that same attention. And I feel like it will be similar with Alf. Like, you know, you don't want them to feel in any way neglected. So whether it's like tag teaming, obviously I'll be fairly limited at the beginning because of recovery, but it's like, yeah, having that time doing their favorite things,

maybe like you taking them out to the Gruffalo Trail or to football or whatever it is so that they never feel resentful that the baby is coming along, like it's not taking away their love. But equally, I feel particularly sensitive about making sure she gets the same sort of love and attention that alf did because i was like the second child and um yeah i think girl so i want to make sure that she always feels like as loved

and wanted as alf and um of course and i I think especially with the second one, it just means that me and Alfie will have probably even a stronger bond and a stronger relationship because naturally he's going to be spending more time with me while you're spending more time with baby girl. You know, and my friends who are in a similar situation with two, you definitely see it now more that they are spending more time with their firstborn, if it's a boy or whatever um and

having that closer bond that closer relationship and doing more things together and then that giving you more time to to spend time with with the little girl what are you most nervous about having two just how it's going to affect our day-to-day so you know when you when you're in a car or when you're on public car or when you're on public transport or when you're doing things as a one and it can be stressful and you've got the bags and the prams. And you can't just pick them up if you need to.

Whereas bringing in two is just obviously getting out of the house in general with a kid it takes forever. But now having two, I'm just more, yeah, logistically, like how is that going to affect everything? How is that going to change things? I don't think I'm nervous though. I think I'm excited about the challenge and like what it's going to bring

and how we're going to adapt to it. Yeah, and I feel like even though obviously it will be more work, like we're already doing bath time, bedtime, meal times, like I don't know, I feel like we're already kind of in it. So yes, I'm sure it's going to be a lot harder. And again, it probably depends on her temperament and like if she is a good sleeper or if she's like healthy. I think I'm most nervous about going back into the trenches of like the feeding and the sleep and the but equally we're more realistic about it and because we're not in lockdown we can get support like I'm sure

if I rang your mom and I was like please come stay for a few days she always would if she could and I say that's the thing as well like if if you do have anyone, whether it's like a friend or, uh, you know, in-laws, parents, whoever it might be that don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Yeah, I think so.

And I think, yeah, imagine if baby girl is literally a mini you. Do you think? I'm nervous. Would you change anything with the sleep? Well, I definitely wouldn't do quite out.

No. Okay. And like, I know that.'t do quite out. No. Okay. I know that now. Yeah. Do you know what? I feel like with Alf, I did everything instinctively. So I always followed my gut and my instinct, no matter what anyone around me was doing.

And I think I'll do the same. Well, I know I'll do the same with baby girl and that might lead to different outcomes. I probably, with Alf, he would wake up like every two hours for literally a year. So I probably would, um, you know, get at least holistic help sooner. But equally, I feel like you can't force it. And I love that we didn't really have a routine with Alf at the beginning because he was so small, I feel like, you know, when lots of our friends

like didn't leave the house and were worrying about bedtimes, we would be like out and about. I remember like we'd walk around Richmond Park and I love the fact that he's always had his naps in the pram. So we've never really been like stuck to the house. I think that's the nice thing about the newborn stage is that unpredictability and like you don't have

to stick to a strict regime or a strict routine. Like Alfie obviously now likes that routine of going, he knows when he's going to bed and having a bath and eating, et cetera. Whereas with the little one, you see it with like Shane and the team, the way that they will go out and, you know, go to pubs and restaurants and you can strap baby girl on to you and you don't have to follow that strict routine. But we couldn't necessarily do that at the start in lockdown

and go out and enjoy things together with Alfie because we were restricted. Whereas now I'm excited about what can we do with baby girl that we couldn't do previously. What that's going to open up and then involving Alfie. Also, we're keeping Alfie at his childminder where eventually she will go so it's nice that you know he'll still have his routine in the day and it means that you know we get that sort of one-on-one time with her as well so um yeah we'll see if we do anything different but 100 i'll still follow my instinct but i think yeah around the sleep i would probably get like holistic help sooner. But I don't know, we'll see.

I feel like, because I never planned to go to sleep. I always said I didn't have a set target on how long I would breastfeed for. I'd just do it for as long as I could or as long as felt right. And maybe this time will be different because obviously we're out of lockdown. A lot of my work, well, we'll just have to see.

Let's just kind of finish on our relationship. Nothing scary, but how would you say our relationship has like grown or changed now two years in? I think it has definitely strengthened every single month. We're learning more about each other, idiosyncrasies, what, what we need for a relationship and from,

from a partner. And we just get stronger and stronger and stronger. And, and I think I'm definitely, I'm so sorry, but I'm very proud of like what you've done and what you're doing and how you've become like the person you are. And I've seen you like evolve and change and grow and like as a parent, as a mother.

In what way? I think when we first met, you obviously like, again, always super independent and, you know, very much, very driven and which are all the traits that I loved about you. And then we did have those like frictions at the start. And I've obviously got locked down having a baby and it was, there was difficulties. And, you know, I think over the last year to two and a half years, we've learned more about each other and we've developed more as a unit.

And there's like a strong, we have such a strong bond now. And you understand what makes me tick and vice versa and you know i think we we we deal with issues a lot better together than we did previously and we've we've always been good at like communicating when those problems have bubbled up so i feel like our relationship has grown so much i still get scared of you i still like the look you gave me when I said that Snoop comment, which I regret straight away. But I think, you know, I think like our relationship just keeps going from strength to strength, which is nice.

And I think the fact that we've dealt with so much in such a short amount of time, what we've done together and the house that we built together, you know, I'm really proud of that. I would say, yeah, i think our relationship's grown in that it's learning what we need which might not always be each other so for example like one of my goals this year is to see my friends more because i used to see my friends like three four times a week so obviously that means that you'd be like holding the fort more with at home but in the same way which is Which is what I always encourage.

Yeah. So I feel like, yeah, it's grown because we're like getting to know what each other needs to be good partners and parents and people. Yeah. Do you miss getting full time and attention since we had kids?

I never got it. No, we met pretty early on and, you know, the first few months was amazing and we obviously went away on holiday and we had lots of dates. But our friends were always a big part of it as well, weren't they?

Like I didn't have like my big dinner parties and I'd say invite your friends. Yeah, but that's just, you know, we went through a global pandemic and you know everyone had to deal with those issues and challenges but i think obviously we we had a baby really early on and um we had to adapt and change and yeah like you said like you said i think even if we have like half an hour an hour a day to ourselves it makes the world of the difference um i like you used to see my friends two three times a week obviously that changes as you get older and and you have responsibilities but i think it's so important giving each other that

time to be able to do those things with your friends with family and supporting each other and you know i love when you go away for for an evening or with your friends for the day. I'm more than happy having Alfie and I love having that time with him. And especially as he's got older, it's a lot easier. I think going back to that time of just like making time for each other. And I think, you know, we're very lucky that we have that support network where we can do things together. We don't do it that much, but I think this year we want to do it more.

Yeah, I think, right, of course you can think like, like oh if we didn't have children like you know i would have loved to have like done more traveling together and um but equally it's a bit like it's a bit like sliding doors isn't it it's like you wouldn't give up al for and we are we are definitely getting much better at like making time for ourselves and we've done we've been really lucky that we have done some cool trips this year and last year and well we were like even this trip tommy's much more sensible than me and i was like we need to go credit card it doesn't matter like and yeah like we have i feel like we now that we're kind of like past that sort of that first year like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel with like, you can do stuff with your kids.

And I'm already planning ahead. Like when we're in 10, 15 years time and we can do things on our own together and they, they're happy, they can stay here and we can go traveling around or bring them with us. And, you know, that's,

that's something I'm really looking forward to. What about, uh, lots of questions about tips for stopping bickering and arguing. I do feel like no matter... Easy wife, easy life. Just either bite your tongue. No, but that's not a healthy relationship.

No, it's not. It's communication. Communication, obviously, but there's times when you're not happy or you're frustrated and I've previously taken it personally and then we've started to argue or, you know, if you're not happy with something stupid like me driving, I'm in a wrong lane. Previously, I might have like taken that personally

and we've started an argument and then that spirals. Now I've learned to just stay quiet and just take it. I just want an easy life. So I would say the same that, yeah, like it's like learning. That's taking time to learn about each other learning that you make those mistakes and then do you have to say it and is it beneficial um i would say also know that every couple after kids

will go through like a huge transition because it does like shift your relationship like whether you know even if you get through it and it's more positive and also there's amazing parts in even like as you're adapting as a couple like it is amazing to watch your partner like become a dad or a mom or whatever every couple argues i don't care who you are every couple argues and bickers it's about how you i think personally i think it's about how you deal, how you come together after the argument. And for me, I've always been that one in the relationship to put that first step or that first olive branch out. For Tommy, because I do not apologise. You've apologised twice.

I'd rather move house. Whereas I know that's my role and I'm happy with that. I think you can only naturally be angry like i said you can only be angry with someone for like 90 seconds max and then you recalculate and go go for a walk get some fresh air come back and then start again and just like there's no point going to sleep angry with each other doesn't achieve anything obviously it's happened before but i think as we've got older and as we've developed together we're a lot better at that yeah and i think it's yeah just having that

understanding of what each other needs to be happy so obviously in tommy's case it's like having his tommy time to exercise or in my case or whatever that might be um and yeah communicating because like there's no point in harboring resentment when it could be like an easy conversation. And on that note, like another question was how do you keep romance alive? And this person said her and her husband have become like roommates. And I would just say again, number one, if you read the, is it called the five love languages? the five love languages but um i think that's so interesting because i found it didn't just like improve a romantic relationship but also friendships family relationships it's like understanding what love language people have so for example like tommy's would be physical touch

whereas mine's probably like acts of service and if you have different love languages sometimes people can do things for you but you don't appreciate that that's an act of love if it's not the same one of you. And I would also say like with romance, it doesn't have to just be like sex. It can be making points like give each other a morning kiss or give each other a hug or do something nice for each other. You know, whether that's like cooking dinner or, you know, whatever it might be within your limitations. Like if your partner's love language is like,

I can't remember what it's called, but like giving gifts, then it could be like getting a gift. It doesn't have to be like anything expensive, but I think it's just showing that you like care and respect for each other, like have care and respect. And to be honest, like I hate this idea that to be in a happy relationship

or to be romantic, it has to be sex. Because let's be honest, like A, the woman is recovering from childbirth, especially if you're like breastfeeding after, like the thought of having, you know, having baby on you all the time, tugging, pulling you, then having to be intimate, like, of course, you're not going to be in the mood. And then like for both sides, like if you're sleep deprived,

like there's so much more important stuff than sex. So I feel like, you know, it's just A, communicating, but also, yeah, like doing all those little things. Yeah, I think doing the little things is important. And, you know, there's times when you might have time on your own and you think something's gonna happen and then you just pass out because of that time and that's fine but i think like you said the the kissing in the morning or

before you go to bed telling each other you love them you know whether that's holding hands or physical touch or whatever it is doing like things for them running a bath but then obviously just being patient like you know well i feel like we've covered good ground are you have any any parting words um next do we have to do it next time yeah next next year we'll be doing it for his third birthday but we'll have to do it for her first birthday as well so you're you're gonna have to commit twice a year now but i've enjoyed it. Thanks. Thank you for having me. Thank you for coming on.

I can't tell you how much convincing this took. So hopefully you found it useful. Obviously, we are in no way experts, but yeah, hopefully you've enjoyed it. And if you have any questions or you want to get in touch, then you can send a voice message for free on WhatsApp. You can do it anonymously if you want and the number is 075-999-27537 and you can email me at askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com and of course if you found this episode or just the podcast in general interesting then leaving

a review on Apple Podcasts if that's where you listen really helps to spread the word and i'll be back with another episode same time same place but not with you you're off the hook for a while thanks um thank you so much and i'll speak to you next week