Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Dealing With Grief as a Family - with Kelsey Parker

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

How do you deal with grief as a young family? How important is it to turn your love for someone you're bereaving into something positive? And how vital it is to look after yourself as well as making sure everyone around you is dealing with it.Mum's The Word Host Kelsey Parker joins Grace Victory this week to speak about her brand new book 'With And Without You' and how a young family has to deal with the loss of a loved one and why the key with getting through it might be spirituality.Do you have a question for us? Get in touch on our Whatsapp, that's 07599927537.---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mum's The Word, the parenting podcast. I'm Grace Victory and I'm your host for this week. Guys, this week has been a week. I mean, it's only Monday, but I'm in the thick of potty training with a very, very stubborn and determined toddler who wants to do his own thing. And that's kind of been very, very stressful and determined toddler who wants to do his own thing and that's kind of been very very stressful and just feeling like I'm struggling with a juggle of motherhood and work and trying to like you know also just have my own identity out I know outside of being a mother so I'm going through it and I know that lots of you listeners will be able to relate. So this episode is focusing on dealing with bereavement which I can relate to. My first

birth was quite traumatic and although I'm alive and you know Cyprus is alive there's definitely a lot of grieving around how my birth went, his early life, you know, I missed his first bath, his first smile and his first giggle and I missed so much of the early days, you know, five months worth and since having my second I realise actually that they change so much in those first few weeks and months so I'm definitely still grieving if I'm honest. But today's guest is a familiar voice to you all. We have Kelsey Parker who is another host of Mums the Word. She just released her new book With and Without You and we're going to be talking about all of that today. So welcome back to the show, Kelsey Parker.

So we talk a lot about birth stories on Mums the Word. Was there any difference between your first birth and your second? Well, both of mine were actually quite traumatic. So with Aurelia, it was actually just a normal, normal pregnancy until I would say about like maybe two months towards the end. And I started really, really swelling. Like I woke up one morning and it looked like I'd been in a fight. Like my eyes were really, really swollen. And then over the course of time, my feet just got bigger and bigger and I was struggling to walk. But I'm this person that I'm like, the show must go on and I've

got to continue and I've got to push through. And my mum's had four kids and she was just looking at me thinking like, this isn't right. Like I've never seen this before. So we went to the doctors and they were like, no, she's fine. It's just edema. Then actually the day before I had Aurelia I went in and they took my bloods and I did the urine sample and I actually had preeclampsia so I was actually really really ill and I didn't realize how poorly I was until probably falling pregnant with Bodie. And I was like, oh, this is what a normal pregnancy should feel like. But then obviously with Bodie, Tom got diagnosed when I was 35 weeks pregnant. So it was just like a complete different trauma. Like, you know, the trauma on the first one was actually my physical body. And I remember actually being in labour and they're like can you get on your knees I'm like

no I feel like I'm actually like in a fat suit like literally my legs were so swollen with water that they were asking me to be on my knees but I was wobbling around like I couldn't like stabilise myself like my hands were so swollen just everything was swollen on me yeah it just wasn't obviously a normal pregnancy. And it's weird because I was actually talking to someone the other day about this, that we did the hypnobirthing, me and Tom. And actually when we first went to the lady, we had like a private session. And the first thing she wrote down, like she asked us was, what's your biggest concern? I can't even remember what I wrote down, but Tom's was Kelsey dying. And I was like,

oh, like, why are you taking it there? Like, I never expected him to say that. And it was weird that I actually got to that point. You know, it wasn't until after I had her that I realized how serious preeclampsia actually is. And because my mindset is so strong I was like I'm gonna be fine I'm getting through this but you know there was that chance that I could have died with it and it was that Tom went to that really dark place and then we were then you know I fell pregnant really really quickly with Bodie so my age gap is really really small and then then when I was in his pregnancy it was like oh, Tom's now got a brain tumour. So it was just like both were quite horrific.

It sometimes feels like it's like, can I just have a break? Carrying a child is a lot. And I don't think people realise how much a woman goes through. And then the added trauma. So you talk a lot about Tom. He, I take it, was the inspiration behind your first book yep so obviously I felt like I needed to share my story with everyone and you know even down to that the birth story like how my life was flipped upside down at 35 weeks pregnant and then I wasn't

obviously being really healthy either like I wasn't eating because obviously I was so stressed and my iron levels were so low and I remember going in with Bodie because he broke his own waters so he was like get me out of here because she's not feeding me or doing anything but obviously mentally it wasn't about me it was about Tom and it was just so hard now I reflect and look back on it but at the time I was just trying to get through it the best way I could yeah I remember going into hospital and they took my levels and they were like your iron levels are so low like you need let's can we get this girl some food can we feed her before she gives birth and I remember them giving me a lasagna I was like I don't really

want a lasagna before I give birth but I did well I'm glad they were looking out for you because yeah I remember with my pregnancy I well my first one was traumatic and then my second one I had a postpartum hemorrhage yeah the same way with you I didn't think of that as a possibility no I was like I've gone for enough my second's gonna be a breeze absolutely not and yeah I had a c-section and it's a lot. And you talk about how your love for someone can be turned into something positive. Tell me more about that and how important that is. positive from this situation and that's writing a book and that's sharing my story and that's helping others like you know if someone picks up my book and gets something from it then my work is done and it's just saying to people that you know you can be in the darkest of dark of places and you can get through it and life is tough and it throws these obstacles and mountains and we have to climb

over them and life is really really tough but somehow you do manage to get through it and you know my life's never gonna be the same just like the same as you I'm sure like after all the trauma you've suffered it's like life's never gonna be the same for you you're almost a different person and it's now who I am and finding this new Kelsey yeah you don't know like how strong you need to be until it's your only option and a lot of the time people say I don't know how she did it you get through it you just have to there's no other option yeah it is that especially for me it was like oh that's I don't know how you did it it's like one I didn't have another option I also had these two children that were dependent on me

and then a husband that was dependent on me because this was the worst thing he could possibly be going through and he needed me. So you just stay strong and you, I don't know, I just rooted myself and was like, come on, girl, you can get through this. I love that. You root it. It is that.

Do you know, I almost felt like that. I'd like had to root myself and be like you are powerful yeah you had to anchor in order to keep everything afloat basically I was reading your book yesterday and you were talking about grief and how in the early stages there's a lot of people around and then as time goes on it gets less and less and less and I related so so much to that how are you dealing with grief right now well and also do you know what even going back to that it's almost like when you have the baby and everyone wants to come to your house and then the baby's two and no one cares about your baby anymore and you're like

where are all these damn people that came around and I had to make teas for and do whatever. And now you just can't really care about my kids. But yeah, where am I now with grief? I don't know. It's so up and down and it's such a roller coaster. And it's the hardest thing, you know, apart from Tom actually being ill and losing him, is that I'm having to try and find, living my life without him. And grief is just so tough. And it's, you know, I just think some people just think it's so black and white but it's probably the most grayest thing and I'm so gray today and dressed in gray

but it's the most grayest part of my life and I am such a black and white person but you know some days I feel happy some days I think where is he some days I think I'm angry with him that he's left me like I still get the same feeling as what I did when he first passed away I saw something it's like you learn to grow around your grief your grief's never going to get bigger it's not going to get smaller it's just always going to remain the same and you know my children are there and and they ask me questions so I guess it doesn't go away because Aurelia asked me the other day which was quite an intelligent question I had like my passport on the side and she was like is dad's passport still in the drawer I said yeah she said well why didn't he take it with him

and I was like oh darling he didn't really need it where he was going she was like but it you know like he's gone somewhere so why is he and because I talk about him being in the sky I think she's like well if he's in the sky why has he not got his passport and it's the most pure but heartbreaking and like also like children are quite profound so that's very that's a very good question do you know what I mean and it catches you off guard because you're like oh how do I answer that one and then you answer it and then you sort of reflect and you think did I answer that okay like did I say the right thing of course you're that mom I feel like you and your children are obviously learning this together in a really weird way yeah it's definitely an experience we're going through together and

you know sometimes I look and think I met a lady yesterday that lost her husband and she has three boys and one's nine and the nine-year-old's really really struggling and you think is there a right age like you know he had nine years of his dad so then I think oh he got nine years longer than what my kids got but then also is it easy for my kids because they didn't get that like I think you just look at everything can think you know there is just no answer is there though Grace it's just like we're here and we're living it it's like your mind can talk to you with the what ifs and like all the questions. I think as mums as well, we go through, like the kids are in bed, you go to bed

and then our brains is just on, on, on. Was I a good mum today? Did I say the right thing? So was your book therapy for you? Are you in therapy? How are you healing? I did a TV show and I saw a therapist within the TV show and I just feel like therapy didn't work for me. But I think it's because I am an open person.

So, you know, I'll talk to anyone and everyone about how I feel. I'll say to you, oh, yeah, I feel like this today. So I feel like I can express myself. I don't necessarily feel like I need to go to a therapist for them to help me. But I'm really into like the spiritual world so I do a lot of healing and basically I love the weird and wonderful so that is massively helped me and I think with this journey you have to do what helps you and what I might be doing might not be right for you you know someone who's lost their partner therapy could be

such a great thing and and go and explore it explore therapy explore you know someone who's lost their partner therapy could be such a great thing and and go and explore it explore therapy explore you know a grief counselor or and even with the kids like I haven't taken them to a lot of um bereavement places but I feel like we are doing amazing things at home no that's completely understandable and everyone grieves very differently even like grieving your birth the trauma of that like it's a constant journey this morning I was really up for I don't even know why I think when I'm tired I just feel more deeply I think it's time of year but about my first birth I just welled up and I was thinking like what I didn't get to experience that other mums got and the first smile and the first touch and all of that stuff and yeah I definitely can relate to you just doing your own thing I think that's really important

but do you have any advice for parents and children that are grieving or going through bereavement? Is there any words of wisdom you can offer? My words of wisdom is just we are all different. And I remember even a doctor telling me when Tom got ill, when he first got sick, he was like, I can't tell you how long he's got left because everybody's body's different. And I think that's something that I've learned with grief,

that we're all different and we're not all the same and you have to do what's right for you and if you don't feel like you can get up out of bed and face the day then don't because that's right for you and we are where we all should be now and that's you know for me you know I think people might have looked at me in the beginning and thought why is she going to work for I talk about the day after Tom passed I took the kids to school I'm like here they are we're here we're showing up like yeah I went back to work but that you know for me I felt I needed something I needed to go to work and I probably reflect on that and think it might not have been the right time but for me in that moment in that time it was the right thing because I

wouldn't have done it if I didn't think it was the right thing because i wouldn't have done it if i didn't think it was the right thing baffled the factor podcast bringing you some amazing facts that are complete nonsense more people in the world have mobile phones than toilets since most people are right-handed in world war ii the germans trained their army to eat with their left hand so they could spot spies in the cafeteria a woodpecker's tongue actually wraps all the way around its brain protecting it from damage when it's hammering into a tree you can find us wherever you got this podcast just search for baffled amazing facts sometimes you need a bit of distraction not completely because you need to feel your feelings and stuff but some

people definitely need to just get on with what they're doing otherwise you just feel like you're sinking and like disappearing and for a lot of women especially that's not helpful no I remember when he went into the hospice because it did come as a massive shock when Tom died and I always speak about that and I remember him being in the hospice and and I actually couldn't physically get out of bed like I felt like someone had dropped weights on me and I couldn't get out of bed and people probably have that feeling after losing someone and they might have that two years down the line you still might have that weighted feeling because you can't believe that that loved one's not here anymore and I did have that feeling I thought I can't face this I don't want to face this I don't want Tom to die like I don't want this to be my future but he was going to and I

had to face it straight on and be like right come on let's do this yeah and still be a mum and still try to bathe and brush your teeth and like look after yourself how do you do that now like do you have support how do you kind of manage your mental health and look after like Kelsey first I'm so fortunate that I have like the best family so I have a lot of people that come and help me which I wouldn't be able to do it without them. But I just think I'm really good at processing. Like I am a processor. And like I said, I'm very honest and open. And I felt so lonely.

Like when he first died, I just honestly felt so lonely. Like he'd been my best friend since we were like 19. And it was just someone actually ripping out my heart, being like, right, your best friend's gone and you're not getting them back. And it's the texting and the talking. But I don't know. I just don't know how I get through it but something in my brain can do it you think it's like a spirit because you said that you know you're really into like spirituality and like all that kind of stuff sometimes I think we're just

given some some sort of strength just to carry on yeah and maybe it's my angels and my guides going you can do it. And I'm good at connecting with Tom and I feel like he does send me signs. And, you know, if people don't believe in spirituality, that's fine, but it gives me a peace of mind. And I think that's how I am here because the spirituality side of things,

you know, I feel like I have that connection with him. Yeah, I completely get that. I need something else bigger than what's happening here. I need something else to believe in other than just like earth, because otherwise I just feel quite sad about things. I need that. But you've had a massive lived experience as well. So you've got to think there's something more out there because you are here and it's incredible do you know what I mean did you feel like that after all the trauma that you went through I think I'm struggling more now than when it initially happened obviously I was in a coma for three months and I saw what I believe to be like an archangel this big green figure um what whilst you were in the coma yeah I had coma dreams so in my coma dreams basically I knew I was dreaming but what was happening was real in some dimension

that's how I can describe it best um and I would get messages because I was seeing people in my coma dreams that were in my actual life and I could fly. And yeah, I saw an archangel, this like giant green being and like waking up and then being told, oh, like you basically died and came back to life. And I couldn't move. All I had was my brain. So all I had was like talking to someone because I couldn't speak through my head so I would be like okay miracles are definitely real then because I was flying but I was dead it was just yeah it's a lot so I definitely know I just love it though there's something out there because I've seen it it was real yeah have you seen, like, have you connected with a spiritual person to say that this is true, like that this is real? So I have a lot of healers in my life, like friends and people around me. So I woke up in

February, March, April, two of my friends came to see me who were spiritual healers and they kept saying in my coma they could see me with orange and during like a little healing session hospital they're getting massaged and was like speaking life over me I could just smell oranges and when I was in the ICU before I even saw them I I kept asking for orange juice. It was just so weird. And it was like what they were seeing during their healing on me in my coma was actually happening to me when I woke up. But I also don't need proof. Like I feel it in my soul that I went for a spiritual experience and like, you know, I'm on this earth now for a reason. Still trying to kind of figure out what that reason is. But yeah, it's very peaceful.

I don't remember like dying as in like grace in the bed dying. But I was flying and I heard like bamboo flute music. And it was like a nursery rhyme. So I know that the crossing over is peaceful I just then came back and I always say that about Tom that he was so worried about death because I saw him and this is why I believe in it because I saw his soul leave him I literally saw his soul go and I went outside after he died and a feather fell from the sky and I know that that was him going to me it weren't that bad girls like I was so worried but it wasn't that bad and I believe that it's really peaceful and I also believe and this is why maybe you know I I can cope with the grief and everything because I feel like

I've been left here for a reason and I've got such a bigger part to play and this is why you know like we have this platform because we're here to tell people about it it's you know it's so hard because you don't want people to think we're like weird and wonderful but it is everything weird and wonderful yeah and there's got to be more out there and he's shown me so many signs and they say that when you pass over sometimes it can take like that person like a year for them to actually like properly pass over but i feel like he did it really really quickly but i feel like he was quite powerful and everything he achieved in 33 years of being on earth and yeah he was like i don't know it just happened

really quick but you know i think it was a few days after or maybe like the day after he died like the gate on my house just shut and then i couldn't get it open i'd lost the keys to the gate and i'm like that is him hiding the keys from me and it was like he wanted me to get a new gate and a new everything like i don't know it was just he was like saying to me kelsey i am here and then my car alarm was going off at like two o'clock in the morning just all these things i'm like he's he's giving me the signs to tell me kelsey i'm actually okay also oh my God, I know we need to end, but I'm reading your book. So my son is called Cyprus Seven

and in hospital, my birthing room was number seven and in rehab, when I was learning to walk again, my room number was number seven. And I was like, this is a sign. Cyprus is everywhere I go to say, mum, it's going to be fine. And I obviously know that seven is your number two. Yeah, seven's our number. Seven's my birthday. He died in room seven. My best friend Kelsey, because she's like, because her baby Winnie came after the book. She was like, we didn't get to put this in the book. but she was born in room

seven and tom and kelsey were obviously best friends as well she was born in room seven weighing seven pounds and then when you do 2023 then that adds up to seven like there's just so many signs it's just crazy and it's funny because we thought that the date could have been like the 24th or something like that we had in our head and when she went over that date I went you do know this baby's coming on the 7th now and she has twin nieces and they all share the same birthday and then it was like the sign from Tom being like yes you're gonna have her on on the 7th it's just little things like that how can you not believe it's like little glimmers of magic just every now and then they just come and just remind you of like you're good you're gonna be good you're fine and just like keep going yeah and

that's it this is the only one thing we've got in this lifetime isn't it to keep going and keep pushing and and that's how i'm getting through each day and the day for my kids is just pushing through because that's all i got. A thousand percent. It was so nice to talk to you. I feel like I needed a spiritual chat today. Yeah, and sometimes we're sent that, aren't we? We need that sign to say, yeah, talk about it today. Today's the day.

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