Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Finding Yourself and Letting Go Of Control with Grace Victory

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

Feeling Outnumbered? Unprepared? Guest host Christine McGuinness sits down with influencer Grace Victory to discuss her traumatic journey into motherhood and how she is embracing all aspects of motherhood from identity and body changes to mum guilt. Find Grace online @gracefvictorySend us your dilemmas and experiences to [e-mail] or on whatsapp at 07599927537---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mums the Word, the parenting podcast. I'm Christine McGuinness and I'm your guest host for this week. I'm mum to 10 year old twins Leo and Penelope and my youngest daughter Felicity is age six. One of the hardest things I found when I became a parent was the worry. I think no one really prepared me for how much I was going to worry about my children. Everyone spoke about the sleepless nights and teething and settling them into nursery and all of those things. But the worry was something that I never quite prepared for. And I don't think it ever goes away. I always worry how they're doing at school. Are they going to make friends? Will they get bullied? Are they going to work when they're older? Are they going to have relationships? Will they learn

to drive a car? It's all of these worries. I started to feel as soon as I got pregnant, I worry about everything and I wasn't ready for that. But it's all worth it. One of the most surprising things for me when I became a mother was the patience. The patience I've got now is incredible. And that's something I don't think I would have if I didn't have children. I was always very calm, always very laid back. But it's helped me in bigger ways in other areas in life, not just for being a parent. I'm not just patient with the children.

I'm patient with everything. And little things now just don't seem like a big deal anymore. And that's something that I would never have had. It's literally like, you know, there could be chaos going on and I would kind of sit there going, oh, I'll be fine. Be fine, it'll sort itself out. And that's been one of the best best things that I've got from becoming a mother I think one of the biggest

tips I would give to anybody is to accept help and it's something that I need to really start practicing what I preach on because I'm terrible for wanting to do everything. But if you have got a family member, a friend, anybody you trust that is happy just to come over and help for an hour with your children, let them do it. Don't feel like you're being lazy. Don't feel like you're letting yourself down. You're not being a good mother or a good parent. Just say, yes, that would be amazing.

Go and take an hour to yourself, whether you have a nap or you have a shower, those little extra hands now and again, it really is important for yourself. But anyway, that's enough about me. Let's get into this week's chat. This week, we are joined by special guest Grace Victory. Grace is an influencer, author, YouTuber, survivor, a mummy to little boy, Cypress 7 and Kimiko Wilde. Grace, thank you so much for joining me. Hi, thank you for having me. I feel like I've learnt a lot about you over the last 24 hours. I have been studying your social media, but I'm really, really excited

to talk to you. First of all, I just want to know, how was it for you going from one child to two? know how was it for you going from one child to two? Hard I think my story is quite unique so obviously I had Cyprus under very awful circumstances so I had Covid, I had him on Christmasy 2020, I was put in the ICU on Christmas day and then Boxing Day I was put in a coma. So my journey to motherhood didn't start off great, quite traumatic and there was a lot of grief and loss I had to process. And then with Kimiko, I didn't have high expectations. I sort of went into that pregnancy and that birth just hoping that I was going to make it home because with Cyprus, I was in hospital for five months after I had him. So I was kind of just tunnel vision about getting through the pregnancy. When I had her, it was like complete and utter

shock because during my ICU stay with Cyprus, a lot of people, nurses, and they meant well, but they would say things like, you're not missing much because, you know, he's just a baby. They don't really do anything. But then when I had Kimiko, they changed daily. They coo, they smile, they can do all these new things. And I realised how much I'd missed out on with Cyprus after having Kimiko. And I found that really, really hard. And going from nought to one, I feel like is a shock. But one to two was even worse for me. I felt like I was outnumbered. I am outnumbered. And I think that the age is really incompatible because Cyprus is two and a

half and Kimiko is nearly nine months and they both really need me still. And I feel like I have to really split my time. And obviously you get mum guilt. And yeah, I really struggled. I actually had postpartum depression. Oh, God bless you. I can't even imagine. I mean, the differences that you've had, the experiences you've had with both babies as newborns has been completely different for you. It sounds like it's not what you imagine when you get pregnant I know myself I've got three children and I started with twins and you have this vision in your head of what it's going to be like um both of yours isn't what you imagined it to be yes but how was the actual birth with Kimiko I understand that

with Cyprus it was a c-section yeah so Kimiko was a C-section too. I went in for like a routine checkup. I think I was 38 plus 3. Both of our heart rates were high. And for my history with being in the ICU for 98 days, they couldn't really risk it. So I was admitted just for a night. And in my blood test,

I think there was infection markers in my work blood cell count. They basically said, can we deliver her by C-section tomorrow? And I was fine with that because I was excited to meet her. And I really trusted my medical team who thankfully were all on shift. So it was wheeled down it was very relaxing there was music playing my team were there my partner Lee was there it was just very very chill however I did lose 1.2 liters of blood but that wasn't really traumatizing for me because afterwards I like was recovered and I went home in two days so all in all it was like a really drama like free birth compared to the first one compared to the first one yeah definitely the first one it was like a dream and then yeah came home after two

days and introduced um Cyprus to Kimiko and Kimiko to Cyprus and then the chaos began and now you've got two little ones two well not quite toddlers but one is and one one must be nearly welcome which is really exciting Kimiko's just started calling this week and she's already starting to like open doors like cabinets and I'm like oh my god oh wow. Yeah. So it's chaotic. And, you know, the days are really long. Like most days start at 5 a.m. for me. But also like it's giving them each other is like the best thing I could have done. I love being their mom and it's like beautiful. But of course, it's so, so hard.

And I think that I had my second child, but my first newborn experience with a toddler as well. Yeah, of course. So it was just a lot for me to kind of cope with and process. But I feel like I'm now finding my feet a little bit and kind of learning to surrender that some days you can't really do much apart from change nappies give them milk give them food go for a walk if that yeah that's it sometimes it's just getting through the day isn't it when you're juggling babies you've just got to get through you're not always going to have all of that energy and it sounds like you're doing incredible for the journey that you've already experienced so far and it's still early days but I think becoming a mother it can often feel like you

lose yourself a bit do you feel like your identity changed after Cyprus and has it changed again after Kimiko? Yeah again because of the first experience I think my identity was crushed because of living my life so independently and then being critically unwell and not being able to move, learning to walk, talk, eat again. That's a shock in itself. Shaving off all my hair because it was matted from the ICU. So I've gone from long blonde curly hair to then being like bald. So I think that also impacted it. And I think after Kimiko, I definitely, I think your body changes.

So you kind of feel awkward with what you're wearing and you know during my pregnancy it was summer with Kimiko so I just wore like leggings a crop top and like an oversized linen shirt and like now I can't stop wearing that because that's kind of what I'm used to wearing and yeah you know they say it takes like two years minimum to um find who you are again after each child um and I've obviously had two in two years so I'm just kind of going with it and I'm trying to show myself like grace and compassion and you know learn my expectations of myself and I think eventually I will you know find who I am again after all the things that have happened. And also my age, like I'm 33 this month.

So I've like come out of my 20s, that kind of 20 years of like chaotic energy. And now I think I'm settling into like my womanhood and like who I am in general, plus being a mum. So it's just a journey that I'm trying to embrace. It is is absolutely. And I think now, you know, for everyone with the whole social media stuff, I know you do quite a lot of influencing online, which you do incredibly well at. There's a lot of pressure out there. There's, you know, not just for women, but more, I think there is more on mums as well. And I was the same and I still am 10 years later. It didn't work for me the two years

I didn't discover my identity or what I should wear or how I should be it's 10 years later I'm still trying to figure it out I think it is it's an ongoing journey forever and then I'm sure when our children are much older and the teenagers it's you know how should we be how should we dress when we're when we've got teenagers as well but you're doing absolutely incredible um I want to know what's one of the hardest things for you since becoming a parent what have you struggled with because it seems like you you just seem to just get on with it and do it do it incredibly well but I know there will have been tough times I think my nature is just to get on with things. Like even when I was recovering from the ICU and that my coma and stuff, I just got on with it because there's nothing else I could do. And that's just, I think,

who I am. So I wake up in the mornings, I jump in the shower straight away, just so my mind hasn't got a chance to kind of go down that route of like intrusive thoughts and feeling sad and I'm so tired and I just want to be by myself for a bit and that's how I try to start my day just giving myself that chance to kind of wash away any negativity that I feel but the one thing that I really I guess miss and the one thing that I really, I guess, miss and the one thing that I grieve is like alone time. I'm very independent and have been for a long time. And, you know, my job is quite not lonely, but it's a job that you can just do by yourself and you can be alone quite a lot. And I like that. I'm an introvert and I recharge my solitude and like by burning my incense and

watching TV shows having a bath I love being by myself like I love it and when you have two young children it's really hard to carve out that alone time because when you do get a minute's peace or break and they're in bed or napping or whatever there's you know cleaning the bottles doing the washing tidying up doing a bit of work etc etc doing a food shop I shower with that but I try and have little routine throughout the day so you know my morning shower is like it has to happen I drink like a balancing hormone drink and that's like a thing that I do every morning and it kind of sets me up for the day I do try and give myself some time but that's the one thing that I really miss is just filling up my cup all the time yeah I love a massage

I love getting my nails done and those things are kind of rare and like few and far between now i feel yeah it's those little luxuries that i think you don't you don't realize when you become a parent that you're going to miss out on just the wash and blow now and again it suddenly becomes like like a big deal if you get to do that because when you're looking after little ones you just don't have that time and i don't think it's something you can really prepare for like everybody tells you about the teeth and then the sleepless nights and you know it's it's that time alone like you said that you just don't get yeah it's the constant no one prepares you for like how constant it is how you're always on even when you're asleep you are on because in case they stare in the night and it's it's

relentless and that's the one thing I feel like no one told me about like how much you are going to be on your feet you'll sit down for two seconds and you're back up and also like not being able to eat alone oh my god oh yeah yeah that doesn't happen eat alone we alone can't we alone you can't make a phone call on your own, oh my God. You have to share your food, you have to go for a pee, like with your child, you can't do, yeah, nothing alone. I love that you just give yourself that little routine every morning, the time in the shower, obviously, it's a necessity anyway,

but just to just say, no, this is what I'm doing. Have your drink in the morning, that's lovely. But I just want to take it back a bit. I'm doing have your drink in the morning that's that's lovely but I just want to take it back a bit I'm really interested to know where this strength comes from you're clearly very strong were you always a defiant little girl how was childhood for you yeah I had a quite dramatic childhood I grew up around um domestic violence I came from a family of quite aggressive men and I spent a lot of my childhood just trying to make it out really. I always had a focus and I used to be dancing and performing and that kind of kept me on the straight and narrow. And I always just had this belief that I was going to be someone.

I don't know. I always thought this can't be like life forever. There's just no way. And no one kind of told me, no one taught me. It was just like in me. I think it's called grit. That's like the terminology, grit. And I just dreamed.

I think it's a privilege not to as a child and you you can dream and use your imagination as a really beautiful thing and I think a lot of people that have gone um through childhood trauma have had to have that escape yeah otherwise you're not going to survive so I think that's where my strength has come from. I really haven't had a choice, but also I think being vulnerable and actually allowing myself to feel, allow myself to cry, allow myself to not be strong all the time is where that also comes from, because, you know, I've been through a lot and I don't let it kind of stop me I don't let it freeze me I think my thing is to kind of move through it move through the pain just keep going

even on days where you didn't think you can like for me I'm like I've literally survived being dead for five minutes I can survive getting through this you really can't tell myself and you do you do somehow make it through even when your eyes feel like they're bleeding because you're so tired um and you know you've got stress with whatever I just try and count my blessings and you you have you've got two gorgeous blessings and I'm sure you've got many more as well and it sounds like you you've got really good coping mechanisms I know earlier you mentioned that you also had postpartum depression and you mentioned dance as a child and you're still dancing now. Is that something that's helped you?

Yeah, so I've been going to adult dance classes. I haven't been for a while because we just moved, but I really do like movement. I think for me, I've experienced sexual violence and I've experienced um an eating disorder so feeling like my body is mine and I'm I'm in it and it's free is a really powerful thing for me so dancing does that for me I'm going on really long walks I love walking in the rain so obviously in England that's that can happen every single day um so like doing that um again like massage swimming things are really grounding really really help with my mental health so that's been imperative um in this kind

of fourth trimester postpartum period but yeah I really I really suffered with a low mood after Kimiko um I've been on antidepressants ever since um having her so I kind of manage my mind and my well-being with those and then plus all the other kind of holistic things that I do what's been the best thing for you since becoming a parent oh I get these moments where I'm like I'm a mother I think it's like the like I'm like I'm a mother like how did that happen yeah it's just those little moments where like yesterday I was at soft play with um Cyprus my oldest and he kept like going off with um these like little friends he'd made and he's really confident and he kept coming back and letting

me know like oh I'm going over here or he'd give me a thumbs up and that attachment I'm like wow like he actually like loves me like I he comes to me for everything that is like beautiful to be that kind of safe space yes for someone is just um incredible no matter what you look like no matter like your mood and no matter how you feel your child looks at you and you are their everything and I think that's so special um so I love that and just being able to be a child with them yeah like painting drawing like jumping in puddles just a big kid it's really healing I think especially when you've had childhood trauma to kind of be able to reparent yourself whilst parenting yeah it's hard but it's also really

beautiful yeah I agree I agree being able to just mess around again be silly play music dance around the house all of the things that even I do now I probably wouldn't do if I didn't have the children I'll do for you classes just whatever I can to move to try and have fun and and yeah I think when you have had a childhood like yours you're given this opportunity to almost recreate to re-give yourself those little bits that you might have missed out on and it's lovely that a childhood like yours, you're given this opportunity to almost recreate, to re-give yourself those little bits that you might have missed out on. And it's lovely that you're doing it. You're doing an incredible job.

And the fact that he comes back to you in a soft play centre to tell you where he's moving, you're clearly doing incredibly well because man in front of him, I'd have to go on a search party for him. Do you have an insatiable fascination with the paranormal? Brace yourself for the supernatural world

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wherever you get your podcasts from. What advice would you give to anybody who is going through postpartum depression or feels as though they're not quite bonding with the child i think ask for help and talk about it i think the shame and the guilt and those kind of really difficult feelings grow and expand when you keep them inside and i i think it was like two weeks after having Kimiko I was like this isn't right I was having really dark like intrusive thoughts that I was going to get killed and all these things were happening so I said I'm just gonna call the the health team and just tell them how I feel and I yeah I got to see a mental health nurse and then a doctor.

And I wasn't once kind of made to feel like I was going crazy or that I couldn't look after my child. Everyone was very understanding, which was really nice. And that's, I think, why I'm quite honest on social media to help other people and other mums feel like they're not alone. Like, yeah yeah I felt how you feel like it's difficult it's brutal you have serious lack of sleep which is torture you're bleeding you're aching um it's kind of c-section you're obviously in quite a lot of pain and that also affects your mental health so talk about it and get advice and get help and don't be ashamed to want to go on medication

or you need to lean on people around you. Because I feel like in the family home, the mother is everything. Yeah, the glow. The mother is happy, the house is happy. I think culturally in this society as well, we've got to this place where we've forgotten

just how difficult postpartum is. You do need a village. I do not know how people do it alone. I really don't. My mum raised me and my sister by herself. Never had any help. I just, it blows my mind. I don't like my mum raised me and my sister by herself never had any help and I just it blows my mind yeah I don't know just the lack of support that mothers get is wild especially in the workplace

yeah I agree speak up ask for help know that you're worthy yeah you've got to talk you've got to ask for help and I think that's something when anybody asks me, what advice would you give to a new parent? I will always say, accept the help. Because I think now, you know, times have changed. Years ago, like you've just said, your mum done it on her own, was probably expected to do it on her own. So was my nana. She raised nine children completely on her own.

It was kind of like, that's mum's job to do that with no help. I think it's changing now. And families and friends will offer to look after the baby whilst mum has a nap. And I was awful for accepting it. I would say now I insisted on doing it on my own because I was worried about what people might think. You know, I insisted on doing every nappy,

every bottle, every bedtime, every bath. And now I go, why didn't I just let someone help for an hour? Just my mum or my sister so that I could have had a nap and I would have felt so much better. So that's something I do say to anybody. What advice would you give to any new mums? Just ignore all the noise. All the advice everyone's giving you.

All these mums on Instagram who have cleaners, cooks, their house is immaculate, their children look immaculate, like everything's always great. That is not realistic. That is not realistic. Sometimes I take the kids for a walk and they've just had lunch and they're covered in food, but just get out of the house. Like kids are meant to be messy sometimes, you know. So ignore all of the noise and trust your own instinct. Like I cannot even preach that enough. Like mothers, no. Yeah.

And go with it. And just because you parent one way doesn't mean someone else wants to parent that way and vice versa. Yeah. And I think there's no right or wrong and there is no actual hand actual handbook you know there might be all the books and advice you can read on the internet but no two children are the same my three are completely different and that was one of the biggest shocks to me i thought surely brothers and sisters i've got twins as well they're going to be similar they're not they are completely different so you've just got to parent the way that you want

to and treat them as individuals as well yeah you parent them differently um and you're going to need to meet their needs differently um and that's okay and just like have expectations like your house will look awful like the washing will pile up you will have to eat like freezer meals for a while and that's okay let go of the control yes yeah that's something that's took me time to get used to i like everything in its place i like everything neat and tidy but now i'm you know i'm just like you know what it's a family home i've got three children it's going to be messy sometimes and that's okay and when i've got the energy i'll pick up the towels and i'll do the washing and i'll tidy up and within five minutes it's all out again but yeah i think i think being calm about the lack of control is a good place to

be definitely agreed now my children are a lot older than yours i've got twins that are nine and my youngest daughter is six have you got any questions for me oh does it get easier it does it does and you know what i never i never believed anyone that told me it would get easier there's still challenging times obviously as the growing the maturing my youngest especially is just wanting to be more independent now she's going on 16 i don't know if that's because she's the younger she wants to shout louder and she wants to be heard um and be twins at 10 and very very well behaved but i'm sure if you ask somebody with teenagers they might say no it doesn't get easier but i'm not there i'm dreading that stage but yeah it, it gets easier. Yeah, I'm looking forward to just like,

just a bit more peace, you know? Usually it gets harder again. I'm okay with just a little, yeah. I feel like I'm in that middle bit where it's kind of, everyone's in a routine. It's quite calm. There's no hormones flying about yet. So we're doing all right.

But also, you know, they're in school. They're in full-time school. So that is a break for me. That gives me time to tidy the house to work to go and get my hair and my nails done if I want to but I'd also say whilst you're at your stage just enjoy it which it sounds like you are anyway but it does go so fast and I remember people saying to me oh before you know it they'll be in school and you're crying at the school gates and I was and that was totally me I was sobbing and it took me it took me well over a year to get used to

dropping my children off with these people like who are teachers obviously but for me I was just like I'm leaving my children in somebody else's care all day and and I'm not there to watch them to see how it's going. But yeah, it happens and it'll come around for you pretty quick. So yeah, just enjoy it. You're not, no, I really, really wasn't okay with it. It took me a while. Now I'm like, right, you're going in.

Come on. I'm counting down the summer holidays. When are we back to routine? Okay, now we have got a question from Nat on WhatsApp. She says, I love the podcast. I hope it's not too much information, but I've been breastfeeding my little one

from the very beginning. Now he's started teething and oh my God, my boobs are in agony. I absolutely dread the feeds and I worry about what state my nipples are going to be in after, but I still don't want to stop breastfeeding have you got any advice on how to reduce the pain or any products that would be

good for me keep up the good work Nat um cabbage leaves are really good oh really yeah yeah yeah so like cold cabbage leaves are really good to alleviate pain so like mastitis crack nipples etc really I thought that was one of those old wives tales but it actually works no it works yeah and um if you do have like milk ducts that are blocked um like you can like push them and you can push the milk like out of the block duct um i think it's laniso nipple cream laniso that's like really really good nipple cream and it's safe for your baby to like yes yeah i was just thinking that they're gonna taste the cabbage if you've put the cabbage leaves on will they taste that i think you could

maybe put the cabbage leaves on and then shower oh yeah the end of the day that's probably best i mean i would go as far as putting them in the freezer i think you know your nipples are that sore and cracked just yeah frozen cabbage leaves 100% lanosol um nipple cream and that's kind of it it It's brutal. But having children on your body is a lot. Yeah. But it sounds like you're doing amazing. And I've absolutely loved talking to you, Grace. And I'm sure your babies are waiting for you.

I really appreciate you giving your time. Honestly, I could have spoken to you for so much longer. I know you've got to go. Thank you. But thank you so, so much. You've been amazing. Thank you so much. Take care.

Thanks, Grace. Thanks for listening to Mums the Word, the parenting podcast. Make sure to hit the subscribe button or follow so that you never miss an episode. We love to hear from you. So please get in touch on WhatsApp where you can send us a voice message for free,

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