Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - HG Pregnancy Sickness with Amy Neville

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a sickness that causes excessive nausea and vomiting, so much that it often needs hospital treatment. Around 1-3 in every 100 women are said to have HG during pregnancy, Amy Neville from Amy Nev's fashion diaries joins us this week to tell us more about this sickness, her own experiences with it and her struggles with matrescence. You can find Amy @amynevfashiondiariesGet in touch with us at [e-mail] or on 07599927537---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well hello hello hello happy monday i'm feeling very cheery today because i'm looking on to bright blue skies i don't want to say that it's spring i don't want to jinx it but it has felt a little bit warmer alf actually was outside in the garden for the first time on Friday which just felt so nice he was playing with his little what are the the red and red and yellow cars called is it little tykes little trikes you know which ones I mean like the proper old school cars and I was like oh my gosh so nice and it's actually made me really excited for baby girl because she's going to be a spring baby and I just thought what a lovely time Alf was a January baby which to be fair was also nice because you know winter you're kind of all

snuggled up but I was like I'm excited and this weekend I actually had a sort of baby shower so this is quite interesting I'd love to know where everyone else sits with it because I feel like some people go all in on the baby shower and some people are really kind of against them. And I would say that I was on the totally against them side when Alf was in, in my tummy and well, it was also lockdown. So I didn't have a choice, but I was like, no, I don't want to celebrate. It feels weird. Um, I think maybe because I'd been single for such a long time that I was like no I don't want to celebrate it feels weird um I think maybe because I'd been single for such a long time that I was like I feel like we need to focus on other milestones you know like promotions and buying a house or getting a new job it just felt that I didn't

really want to and then this time around even though I still think we should definitely be celebrating other milestones and I really make an effort to celebrate other wins with my friends, especially my friends not in relationships and not either having children or wanting children. But I was like, you know what, I do want a baby shower to an extent. It was my friend Steph who asked me if she wanted me to organize something. And I think it's because I underestimated what a big transition is to go from what they call maiden to mother. So, you know, that whole identity journey that I talk about all the time, the mattress sense. And because I moved away from the area where all my friends are. And obviously I was exclusively breastfeeding for a year, not purely by choice, but because I didn't take a bottle. I really missed all my friends and I couldn't go for dinners and lunches and drinks and all of those things. So I thought, firstly, we should all celebrate things anyway.

We should do more celebrating, not less celebrating. So I think I've softened there. And B, what a nice thing that I've got amazing friends who want to celebrate this chapter of my life. And I might not be able to see them all, unless obviously they come to mind to meet the baby. But do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to get everyone together. So they organized an afternoon tea at Fawnham and Mason's,

which was so nice. And my sister came. And by the way, I'm sure she doesn't mind me saying because she's told people now, but my sister is also having a baby four months behind me, which is exactly what happened with Alf and my nephew Jasper. So it's just so special. And I just had such a lovely time.

But what I will say is I do feel guilty leaving Alf with Tommy and not because Tommy's not capable, but I feel like because we both work in the week and also because of where I'm at with pregnancy, Tommy's doing a lot of the kind of early starts and the bedtimes and bath times. I feel like I should also be spending that time with Alf. But I did say to Tommy, but just remember, I am carrying your baby every single day and night. And I'm also about to give birth and have major abdominal surgery. And he was like, you don't even need to justify it.

He was like, I love hanging out with Alf. I love it. Like, I don't mind at all. You shouldn't feel guilty. So it's not coming from him. But yeah, it's weird because I don't really get mum guilt with other things. You know, I think we all do the best we can with the circumstances we have.

Maybe it's just that I'm very aware that Tommy's probably doing 80% of the child rearing at present in terms of Alf. But he said he loves it. He took Alf to the zoo. And actually, do you know what? It's probably really good for them to have that bonding time

because A, Alf has started wanting, he calls him dad, just suddenly the last couple of days instead of daddy, he's been going dad, dad, dad. And he never, ever used to want Tommy. Like sometimes Tommy would come back from work and Alf would be like, no more, no more dada, no more. And now he actually, you know, when he runs into our room in the morning, I give him a cuddle.

And he's been going, dad, dad, daddaddles, daddaddles. So it's good for them. And I guess once baby girl's here, I'm naturally going to be more with the baby. And also Alf won't, you know, I won't be able to pick him up or have him much on me because of the C-section scar. So actually, they probably naturally will be doing more together. So maybe this is good for the transition, but mum guilt is a weird thing, isn't it? And anyway, that has been my weekend, a lovely weekend. But now I want to introduce today's guest

because I've got a really, really brilliant guest for the podcast. I am going to give it a bit of a trigger warning and just because we're talking about if I can say it correctly hyperemesis gravidium also known as HG so this is obviously a severe pregnancy disease and we'll be speaking about Amy's experience not once but twice as an HG sufferer. So if you don't want to hear about this for whatever reason, then please feel free to listen to another episode. I have been trying to get today's guest on the podcast for the longest time because we have actually gone through motherhood at similar times yet had completely different experiences both in pregnancy and in our motherhood journeys and we're both

currently pregnant for the second time with little girls. She's someone that I know and that I follow online and she's super stylish, she's a model. She's an influencer. But more importantly than that, and the main reason I want to get her on is because she is someone who has experienced hyperemesis gravidarum in both of her pregnancies. And I feel like this is something that people don't really know about and there's not a lot of research behind it. So for anyone who doesn't know, it's a severe pregnancy disease, which means that you're unable to keep food and water down without medication. It can, in worst cases, result in hospitalization. And it also causes up to 1,000 women every year to abort their child due to how unwell it makes you. So with no further ado, today's guest is model and influencer

Amy Nev of Amy Nev Fashion Diaries. Hi Amy. Hello, thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming on. Firstly, how are you feeling going from one to two? Very nervous, I'm not going to lie. Are you? Yeah, it's something I said I never would do And we obviously didn't plan it. I'm excited because it is the most amazing thing, but it kind of took me a year anyway to get used to motherhood.

I think most people think that you're just going to have this baby and be like, so in love and feel this rush. And all I did was rush back to work. But now she's a toddler. She's got a personality. Like I completely like connect with her um but yeah no I'm really excited it's just two under two is going to be a complete juggle yeah it's interesting that you said it felt like it took you a year to kind of get used to everything because I would say I felt similar what what was your experience at the beginning because I do remember you going back to work after like five days yeah I was a bit crazy I think because um when I suffered hyperemesis as well I lost myself with my pregnancy completely so I think

when I kind of had the baby I was like I'm back I'm Amy again and I kind of rushed back to being me rather than focusing on maybe being a mother um I was still a good mom like but I was traveling and I had help with a nanny um and I think now like she goes to nursery but I do like miss her way more like I have such a connection with her which I didn't have for about a year um I think not many people like admit that as well I think when you have a child you expect to have this like rush of love and I just didn't I was obsessed with her but at the same time I was, this is kind of a hindrance on my life as well, which I think actually is good to admit because so many people

are like, it's the best thing ever. Like, and I didn't really feel like that in the beginning. It's so interesting hearing you say this because you're right. Not many people do feel like that, like feel able to admit it. And also, of course, there are so many women who they have the baby and that's all they ever wanted. And, you know, they're like, wow, my life has this new, amazing purpose. And for me, it certainly wasn't like that, even though I always loved him and I always felt very lucky, but it definitely felt like, wow, everything I used to love doing, I can't do anymore. And I think a year was the sort of love doing I can't do anymore and I think a year was the sort of turning point for me too and but probably actually since he turned two it's getting better and better I'd say that now I'm like oh it doesn't actually feel like I'm having to like entertain a child that gives nothing back

like we actually have fun together no I know I completely agree like I think the baby stage is quite boring and I think a lot of people don't admit that. Like you're sitting around, you're feeding, you're having to like time the naps. I found it really restrictive as well because I'm a really like active, busy person and sitting there with the baby on me, I was like thinking in my head all these things that I want to be doing. But no, I love it now. Like it's amazing. And I wouldn't be doing it again if I didn't so are you going to take more time off this time probably not no I think probably two or three weeks this time but I love my job as well it makes me who I am and I think when you suffer a hyperemesis sickness pregnancy um you feel so trapped I feel like someone literally takes me and puts me somewhere else I feel very like controlled at the moment.

Every morning I'm sick. I'm on medication. I'm not hospitalized now, but the first three months I was in bed, basically bedridden in hospital on drips. And it did come to the point at 10 weeks where I thought I was going to have to terminate because I was so unwell. I think I got down to six stone and the nurses came in and said, look, you really need to start putting on some weight, but

there's nothing you can do when you can't eat anything. Like everything I ate came up, even water. And is this, I'm going to call it M-H-G for the purpose going forward, but is H-G something that you experienced in both of your births? And has it been different this time around to last time? This has been way worse. I don't know whether it's because I've had a toddler, but with Harper I was only hospitalized a handful of times. But this pregnancy has just been horrific. It has got easier now I'm in the third trimester,

but the first probably three months I just said, I just don't want this baby. I was in hospital so much away from Harper as well. I don't know, it really messes with your head as well. Because I think actually mentally, when you're someone who's so busy, you're stuck in bed from nine till nine every night. You can't move. Every movement made me sick. And there was actually one night that my partner said he wasn't sure if we'd be able to do it because I was sick about 30 40 times I just couldn't stop so because I know there's a lot of um misunderstanding about HG but it's not morning sickness is it it's no oh god it annoys me when people say that no it's not morning sickness morning sickness you can kind

of carry on your day or you might feel a little bit ill. HG normally lasts most of the pregnancy. So you have to be medicated. But also you can't function normally. Like I can only work one day a week at the moment. So financially as well, like if you don't have savings or you don't have a good support system, how do you cope? Like some women can't, they have to terminate or it's really tricky did you know before you had Harper that like is it possible for people to know that they will suffer from hg before it happens or you're just well my mum had it so my mum had it with all of us and it was always have fear that I'd get it and my sister actually got it but she had a boy and the interesting thing is with boys generally you don't get it quite as bad because of the hormones um but with girls I knew I was having another girl because of how sick I was I think when you're sick so much it just zaps everything from me like the other night I sat on the sofa and my partner he works um in the city so I'm on my own in the evenings and obviously she needs feeding at five o'clock. And I was lying on the floor. I'd been sick loads and I couldn't actually physically go and get her

some food. And I felt like such a bad mom because I was like, I can't feed my child. And she went to the cupboard and brought me the bread and kind of came to me as if to say, mommy, feed me. But the thought of like even making food made me sick. Do you know what? I can't imagine what it must be like for you and for anyone who suffers from HG, especially with a toddler, because I feel like I've started to slow down and I'm kind of grappling with the guilt

of A, kind of making Tommy take over most things. Like, you know, Alf has always been an early riser. So he gets up at six. So Tommy's doing that, but he's also doing bedtime because i can't really comfortably like lie down on the like by the bed next to him um and then like even this morning normally i i would be the one to get up with alf but i actually stayed in bed and even though i was doing bits of work i was like oh i feel like i'm really lazy but i had to keep reminding myself I'm not lazy I'm like a few weeks away from having a baby I know I think it does make you feel like that because I'm an active person

and I sit on the sofa and like even yesterday I just sat there crying yesterday morning so I was like I just feel so like not like me I just lose everything that makes me who I am um and there's a lot more to it that's mental I'd say as well like rather than physical as well like mentally you're so controlled with your pregnancy you have to eat on demand I can't eat fish I can't eat meat because it makes me sick so now I'm anemic um it's just like there's so many things that happen it's like it's just really controlling and that's what I can't cope with what support is there for HG sufferers? Is that the right term, sufferers? Yeah, no, I think it is. It is a disease. And I think actually

I went to A&E so many times and I think what's wrong about it is that you have to go through A&E. You can't just go to a ward. Whereas if you had a problem with the pregnancy, you could go to the ward. Whereas I was being sick in A&E and I lied there, literally throwing up in front of like 30 people. It's just so degrading. And the guy actually came out and thought I was a drunk and he dragged me off the floor and said, get up. And I said, I can't get up. Like I was lying in my sec, like it was just disgusting. And then they wouldn't take me to a private room. They gave me a drip actually in front of everyone and just injected me, which then I had a reaction to. So my face swelled and it was just all awful. Then they said they didn't have enough beds. So I got put on an old people's ward.

It was just the whole thing of how it's actually dealt with though is not right. And I think that's why I wanted to talk about it because there's the Pregnancy Sickness Support Group, which is a charity, but actually at hospitals, not enough's done and not enough research has been done on it so you kind of have to fight when you're feeling so unwell it's so interesting as well because I was speaking to my midwife when I went for a scan last week and she was saying anything to do with pregnancy you don't have to go to A&E because they worry because of the baby that you're straight up into the so they just send you straight up to maternity so I wonder why yeah HG isn't considered yeah and also I'd gone to the ward so many times

you'd think they'd automatically let me go back in but they didn't they say you have to go through the A&E process which takes hours and I was lying on the floor in the corridor because I couldn't physically move. This was in the first three months when it was really bad. And they said, you need to get up. But when I sat up, I was even more sick. So I just wanted to lie down. So in the end, I took myself to the toilet and had to wait for my name to be called. And I was lying on the floor in the A&E toilet just throwing up like relentlessly. Do you get any extra support from like the midwife team or are they sort of trained to kind of help? This is the thing about it no and I think this is why I want to do more to help and like research

with the pregnancy sickness charity because they're kind of the only one that people can go to. I had a woman that I was messaging a lot during my time in hospital because it really did mess with me mentally. And I kept saying, I want to terminate. And she said, look, get on the right medication. But then I actually had some medication through my drip and they said that there's a risk of cleft lip, but they only told me that once they'd actually put it in my arm. So then that obviously worried me. I feel like I remember when you were pregnant with Harper saying that you were worried about being on medication. I suppose it's a valid worry for anyone who has to take any form of medication.

Even when I went on antibiotics, I was like, is this going to be fine for her? Is she going to be immune to antibiotics? So what is the sort of like is there a risk or is it pregnancy safe I think there is a small risk but there's small risk with any medication when you're pregnant isn't there like um every night when I have to take it as well like I keep putting it off but then I get more sick and I keep saying to Will like do I take it he's like yeah because otherwise you can't eat or function but then I still feel like the baby's taking in whatever I'm taking. So you do feel bad. It's just

a really like weird time in my life. And I think I will never do it again. I've said to Will, there's no more pregnancies. And we didn't actually plan this pregnancy because after Harper, I said I'd never do it again because of how bad it was it like blows my mind that there isn't sort of like proper research and funding into this like how are we in 2023 and especially when it's not a small amount of women who suffer with it i feel like m clarkson had it as well i'm not sure if it was as severe as um you had it but still um it just seems absolutely mind-blowing a family basically a young girl her family members reached out to me to say that um they wanted me to raise awareness for this young girl who'd actually passed away from it because she had such mental health issues from being stuck

in bed she was a positive girl never had any issues um she was stuck in bed for seven months and she just couldn't cope with it um and that really triggered me because I felt like actually I'm kind of one of those people that is always okay and I'm quite positive but when you're stuck in bed not knowing where the end is when you're sick relentlessly not able to eat it does mess with your head so yeah that really upset me for anyone that is going through it or who maybe will go through it, what advice, if any, can you give to them? I just think you need good family members around you.

Like without Will, I wouldn't have been able to go through the pregnancy. If I was like a single mum, for example, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it because how would I have looked after my toddler? You can't even physically get out of bed. You can't wash. I didn't wash for weeks. It was awful. This is the first three months when it was really like hard but then they got the medication and I think the hormones kind of balance a bit but now I've gone into the third trimester

it's getting a lot worse again um but yeah if you're a single parent like I just don't know how you would cope but um advice god I don't think there is much i think get medicated and speak to people keep speaking i think that's one thing i'd say don't just shut yourself away and then the charity mentioned is um i can see them on instagram at pregnancy sickness support and they actually connect you with someone on whatsapp so then you can speak to them regularly um they can give you advice on private doctors if you want someone to like see you privately um i didn't actually do that in the end because obviously i went through the nhs and to be honest it was quite expensive so but they do give you advice and on medication as well because the medication i got

prescribed i was really worried about and they said look it's actually if it's going to get you through you need to take it so they kind of reassured me that's really good well you are almost at the end I'm sure it doesn't feel like it I've got six weeks left I keep counting the days I feel like towards the end everyone counts the days but if you've been sick for nine months, firstly, I just have like so much love and respect for you. And yeah, I mean, doing it with a toddler, I can't even imagine because I've struggled. Even with, you know, I find my mental health, like as much as I really wanted this pregnancy, and I feel really lucky to be pregnant. But when Alf wasn't sleeping, I feel like everybody on the podcast will know because I spoke about it all the time. It kind of, it takes over your whole mind and your mindset and your mental health. And then you think, what am I doing? What am I doing? Like, I can't do this again. I'm crazy. No, I know. Yeah. I've said no more though. Definitely. I'm like, there's just no way I'm going'm gonna do this again and it's sad because actually I lied in bed the other night and thought oh actually deep down I

probably would have three but I just can't put my family through this and my body um but then I do feel lucky that some people can't have them so and I have been lucky enough to have one and hopefully this one's healthy as well. What was your birth with Harper like? And are you kind of hoping for the same this time around? Yeah, so I actually wanted a C-section out of choice. But she ended up being breech anyway. So that was what I had to have. And to be honest, it was absolutely amazing. She ended up being breech anyway. So that was what I had to have. And to be honest, it was absolutely amazing. Tell us everything because firstly, we love positive birth stories on this podcast. And secondly, I'm about to have a C-section. So tell me. Do you know what? I just think when you can plan it, I think when you go into birth,

I was always worried that what if I didn't know if I was going to have to have an emergency C-section or if it went wrong, I'd heard so many like horror stories. And I think for me, I was like, I'm a bit of a planner anyway. And I wanted to know when it was happening. I remember going in in the morning and cause I was so sick, you kind of get to have the baby a few days early anyway. And I just wanted it over. So I was like, this is great. Like went in. Um, the only thing I'd say is my scar is really wonky. And the midwives, when I saw them recently, were like, wow, your scar is one of the worst we've seen. I was like, oh, great.

That's good. But to be honest, it doesn't even bother me because I think actually that was my choice of how to have Harper. And it was over within 25, 30 minutes. It was really quick. It is scary. Like, I'm not going to lie. A C-section is major surgery and you're wide awake. Um, and I did actually have to have a drug because I did

panic a little bit when they pulled her out. Cause when they're breached, her head was under my rib. So when they did actually pull her out, I did panic a little bit. Um, but I just, I was actually fine. Like I came home the day after I was walking. I was being careful, but I didn't have a bad experience at all. I actually found it quite like, I don't know, it was actually quite amazing that you kind of birthed this human and they can cut you open and stitch you up and you can walk around. I think I was walking after six hours. Whereas actually people I'd spoken to who've had emergencies

had completely different experiences and that scared me so I was like at least I know when it's happening I suppose with emergencies you also kind of go through the sort of um I don't want to say natural labor but yeah your body's kind of already going through that process and then obviously there's like whether it's your health or baby's health I think think, yeah, that's a much very different experience. But you're right, like most people I speak to who've had elective C-sections, it seems to be positive. So I'm very hopeful.

So have you got another C-section booked in for this time? Yeah, so this baby is also breech. I think because of the way my body is, they say once you have one baby that's breech, generally the second one is as well. But yeah, I'm actually more scared this time though, I think because of the way my body is, they say once you have one baby that's breech, generally the second one is as well. But yeah, I'm actually more scared this time though, I think because obviously I'm a mom now, like I've got more responsibility. Before I went in, I was like, whatever, like so chilled. Whereas this time I'm like, I've got like a baby at home still. And I don't know, it just seems more scary. I think I'm probably just working off in my head.

And I don't know, it just seems more scary. I think I'm probably just working off in my head. Do you have like some kind of plan of action for the recovery process, especially having Harper? Yeah, my mom's coming for a week. Will takes two weeks off and then I'm going to have help just two days a week. Because to be honest, I'm not really, I thought I'd be able to work five days a week,

but I don't anymore. I used to work crazy hours and shoot all over and you probably know what it's like. Your life does change. And even though you want to work more, trying to juggle having a baby or a child is a full-time job in itself. And I can understand why some women, when I had hers, I don't understand why people don't go back to work. But now I do because my mom actually didn't with us three she had three of us and she never went back to work and I can see why because it's a full-time job in itself without doing a job as well yeah and then adding all the like costs of child care and everything else

especially if you don't have a support system in place yeah it's so expensive that's why I'm doing two or three days because even two or three days we have we're going to have the nanny for the new baby but not full-time and then Harper in nursery but it's so expensive it's like crazy and to be honest as well it's not even about the money like I don't want to be working full-time I want to be there to see all those moments but at the same time I'm not a mum that has to be there every second as well I'm happy to have people like help me for anyone by the way who is having a c-section I I don't think I've said this but my plan for after um is yeah Alf will stay at the childminders um which is three days a week Tommy is also taking two weeks off paternity leave and Tommy's mum super nana she's gonna come um at least for the first few days but then I said to her I was like can I let you know how I feel

because I'm also really looking forward to that sort of baby bubble and it might be that as kind and as amazing as she is I might not want her there because I might just be like you know what actually I was at the child minders and I never get to binge watch series and maybe she's gonna be like really good and Tommy's there to help and we have like everything looked after so it I was like I might just like would you be offended if I was like actually I don't need I don't need you yet she's like oh no not at all and I think that is really good to kind of have those boundaries because you don't really know how you're going to feel in that bubble after. But then she is going to come for week three and then my mum's going to come for week four.

And then I'm hoping by then I'll be a bit more mobile. Is there anything like any must haves that people having C-sections need to get? Like whether it's a particular type of pants or. Oh, yeah, definitely. I had the John Lewis C-section pants, but I wore them from five, six weeks, but they did like my stomach. They pulled my stomach back in because I felt like the only thing with the C-section is you expect your stomach to go back to normal, especially me doing a job as a model. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I was like back shooting and I didn't really feel like me, but I think your stomach actually naturally does take

six months with a C-section. It's longer, I'd say, than a natural birth. Just because obviously they cut through all your stomach muscles, like it is major surgery. So I'd say to anyone who's having it, don't stress. Like when you get that jelly belly, it does go eventually because I had it and I was like, oh my God, is it going to be like this forever? But I think it's just like your body just changes a lot and obviously being cut open and your whole stomach is cut. So I think I didn't take into account that. Whereas I had friends who had natural births and they were like, my stomach's fine.

Oh, see, I think maybe because my birth was quite traumatic, it did actually take about a year for me to feel I think I still continue to have like pain obviously I talked about that before but um I'd say like 20 months of pain with any form of like intercourse or tampons or whatever it was so yeah I guess on both sides of everyone's very different isn't it so I guess it's that thing of like taking it easy and not putting pressure on on yourself I don't think you can I'm not going to do that this time because I think last time I did put pressure on myself like I flew to Dubai after eight weeks and went and

shot and did swimwear which is mad because I remember looking back thinking I don't feel like me but I was like I have to do this to prove something whereas this time I'm kind of not going to do that as much. I'm like, I birthed a child. Like it's a big deal. I remember because we gave birth at a similar time. I think I was just before you, but I was like, how are you managing to do all of this stuff? And also going back to modeling, like I was like, how are you, you're making this look so easy. I know. I think to be honest, I just felt so happy not being pregnant anymore. So I think for me, I felt like free. Like when you have hyperemesis, you're so trapped for those nine months that all of

a sudden when I wasn't suffering and being sick, I felt so happy and elated. So yeah, I think everyone's different though and do whatever makes you happy. I would never judge another mother. I think that's what I really don't understand is when I've had people message me going why aren't you breastfeeding well this is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about and you made a decision not to breastfeed is that right so you never wanted to you never tried to um so I didn't actually have any milk come in. So I didn't actually want to do it personally. It just wasn't something that I wanted to do. And I actually got implants as well. So I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to. There was one day when she was crying, I think she was four days old.

And she really was screaming. And my mom was like, just try, just put her on your boob. And I did actually try and I just really didn't like the feeling. It wasn't anything to do with, I think it's an amazing thing if you can do it. It's definitely like a more affordable option as well, because when you're buying milk, it's really expensive. I think that's what we were worried about this time. And my partner actually said, are you sure you don't want to try? But it's just not something that I want to do. And I don't want to feel pressure into doing anything just because I'm a mom. I don't want to feel pressure into breastfeeding. Like, I don't think anyone should feel that. Did you find that there is a lot of kind of judgment either online or offline around? Definitely, definitely. It was the one thing that I got the most like hate for, I'd say.

Because I was quite open, actually, I shared so many stories the day she was born and I've always been quite open but I think actually the breastfeeding thing I had people like even friends of friends being like why are you not trying you should try I just thought like I would never say to you like you need to do this or have a c-section or I really couldn't care less how people do it as long as you're a good mother like that's what's important why do you think there is so much sort of judgment around feeding a baby because of course lots of people can't breastfeed even if they would want to and I think that's something that lots of mums feel a lot of guilt around or mourning around so that's also why you know I had you and a previous episode Charlie

Hedges she talked about the fact that quite openly that she just didn't want to and I think it's really important for people to hear these narratives to kind of hopefully be able to feel less guilt or feel empowered to make their own choices in hospital they didn't actually say anything like I had the ready-made bottles the aptimal ones and they didn't actually say anything. Like I had the ready-made bottles, the Aptima ones, and they didn't say a thing. So actually in hospital, I don't feel you're judged. It was more online that I felt judged. And especially with friends as well, they were like, we're breastfeeding for like a year or two years. But for me, I also wanted to go back to work and I wanted Will to help me in the night as well.

And he was able to get up and do the milk and I could carry on sleeping. So selfishly as well, I felt like I'd been through enough. And I just didn't want to like have that on me all the time. And do you know what? It's interesting because I breastfed Alf for a year. And actually towards the end, I would have loved him to have taken a bottle. And to be fair fair we even tried formula and he just he wouldn't take a bottle he wouldn't have formula he wouldn't even like have a bottle

of breast milk and it did make me really resentful so probably where I don't think I ever would have been judgmental beforehand because actually I think each their own um but I think you can like almost become like a bit of a martyr in your own suffering because you're like well I've done this yeah and other people have had it easy but I think what I found hard was lots of people who were breastfeeding sort of stopped around but whether between it was like three months or six months so then I really struggled with the fact that I felt like lots of people got themselves back a lot quicker they were able to like go for dinners or have a lie-in or whatever it might be like yeah yeah but I feel like maybe that's where I lost myself so much because I always thought I would

be the mum that did go back to work straight away which I kind of did but not you know if Alf always had to be there if I had a DJ gig he'd have to come with me. And if I was on TV, he would be in the green room and I ended up breastfeeding on TV. And at the time everyone was like, wow, that's amazing. Normalizing breastfeeding, which yes, on one side it was and it is, but I really wanted to be Ashley James, not Ashley James, the mom. And the more I was trying to throw myself into doing all of these other things, but because I had to have Alf there, I felt like, oh no, it's like this double-edged sword. So anyway, I think it's really liberating to hear people do what they want to do. And ultimately, you know, people can look at the benefits

and it is that balance between what's right for you and what's right for baby. The only thing that worried me is because Harper's been quite sick recently, so she's got asthma and she's obviously at nursery, but she's catching so much. I'm actually seeing a pediatrician on Wednesday about her just basically getting reoccurring affections. And basically Will said to me, are you sure you don't want to try this time? Because apparently the first three days of your breastfeed, I don't know what it's called. There's like that, is it colostrum? Colostrum, yeah. they call it like the golden

the golden milk so then I'm like oh do I try it this time but then I'm like I just don't know then I feel bad is that why she's so sick then you start thinking all these things like because I gave her formula did she not have the right stuff because she grew really well but maybe that's why she's getting infections so there's just so much around it isn't there that you kind of start to think should I have done it or not well I guess it's that's why it's getting infections so there's just so much around it isn't there that you kind of start to think should I have done it or not well I guess it's that's why it's good to sort of like research benefits and then take it from yourself but I can assure you that Alf has since he's been at the child minders especially this winter has been had every sickness bug as well so it's so hard when they're yeah ultimately like we can't always protect them

and I think at least it's their immune systems but yeah I mean of course there's going to be benefits but I guess just don't put pressure on yourself and see how you feel when yeah I think that's the main thing when you're a mum just just be happy and I think being a happy mum and not putting too much pressure on them eating the right thing all the time because actually I know with the eating thing my partner's really big on healthy eating I'm not and he was really funny about her eating specific things and I do get that to an extent but then I'm like you can't cut out like sugar completely or anything because I think they need to be exposed to different things personally anyway I'd say that but I just think I don't ever put any pressure on myself as a mum I'm like some days you're bossing it some days I'm like oh my god I

can't even get dressed and finally what are you most looking forward to about being a mum of two um I think I always wanted girls so my preference was to have girls and I think the fact I'm having two girls is like my dream but also seeing their like relationship as well. The only thing that does worry me is Harper when she sees me with another baby at the moment gets really jealous, like beyond jealous. She like actually hits me. It's really bad. She like screams as well as she sees me with another baby. So I think that's going to take getting used to. She's quite jealous, which they say at nursery as well. She gets quite like that, which I'm a a little bit worried about but I think it's just being a kid um but I'm just really excited about basically having my daughters and knowing that I don't ever have to have a

pregnancy ever again because of how horrific it's been but I have to say I'm more scared um just because of the juggle I think like now I'm like trying to work with a toddler like how on earth am I going to do it with two but I think you you just do. And I think once you've had one, you've been through that process. So I think having a second, you kind of know what you're doing a bit more because the first time I'd never been around a baby. And I remember being in hospital with this baby and they kind of left me and I'd had a C-section major surgery and I had to lift her and change her nappy. And I didn't have a clue what I was doing it's quite scary um but yeah this time I feel a bit more like I know what I'm doing yeah I feel like I'm the same I feel like for me a lot of the challenges it was never really about

Alf because I always felt quite in tune with my instinct and I kind of knew what to do but it was the battle of my life changing so much and what they call matcha scents that whole identity whereas this time I am excited but by the way Alf is exactly the same weirdly he's more jealous if Tommy has a baby so a few of our friends have had kids recently mainly Tommy's friends yeah and Alf is so jealous if Tommy like holds them I'm glad to hear that because I was thinking all my friends said no my kid's not like that and I've and Alf is so jealous if Tommy like holds them. I'm glad to hear that because I was thinking all my friends said, no, my kid's not like that and I've asked other people and they said no and I'm like, oh my God, is there something wrong with her?

Because even my sister, my little nephew, if I hold him, she like gets really angry and I'm like, oh God, what's she going to do when I come home with another baby? Be like, she's here to stay. Alf loves older kids and he doesn't love younger kids so whether it's my child minder or tommy or me if we're around younger kids he just doesn't like it and he is also a terrible sharer if anyone comes into his playroom yeah he really doesn't like it but i guess yeah that's i mean it's learning isn't it and as long as they feel very

loved but if anyone has any tips on how to manage the juggle or how to manage that transition from one to two from the older sibling point of view I have bought a couple of presents actually for Al from baby girl yeah we're doing that as well I think what are you getting Harper um well we actually brought her one of the toy car but we actually gave it to her early. So I brought her something else. I just bought her a few teddies because she's just obsessed with teddies at the moment. So I'm going to be like, this is from your sister and they're going to have the same teddy. So she knows that they're both going to have the same and they have to share. But I think for me as well, I'm really into like fashion as well. So my big thing is like trying to dress

two girls because at the moment I like spend every morning like putting the outfit out if she's at nursery I don't bother because they just paint and get messy but if I go out with her like I'm really into the outfits yeah I'm excited to get inspo from you from your fashion outfits no the first time I was really like when she was born I was really putting the outfits out every morning but I'm just worried how do I do that with two and get myself ready as well but I'm sure I'll manage it it'll be fine I've bought Alf he um he loves his dolls and I thought because he is quite jealous and I kind of want him to feel sort of part of it I've bought him a doll pram oh yeah because

Tommy's parents had one that they found in a charity shop and he loves like wheeling it around their house so i thought well i'm gonna get him um a pram for his doll and also a balance bike and i'm gonna take them to the hospital so when he comes to meet her in hospital yeah um and then i've been told that i shouldn't be holding her when he comes into the hospital yeah people have said that as well i think we're going to have her in the car seat and bring her in the house and just kind of like leave her there and be like this is your sister um but yeah it is it's like scary for them as well I remember my mom said I was like it with my sister and I was really jealous but then after a few days my mom kind of included me and was like get me the nappies get me the milk

oh that's a good idea and I think I loved helping so I think that's Harper loves helping as well so I think I'm going to get her to just help me and then maybe she'll see it as like a nice thing oh I like that idea getting after help yeah definitely no um well thank you so much for coming on and by the way I'm going to put all um the info to um both Amy's Instagram page, but also the charity that you mentioned for HG. So hopefully this has been informative or helpful and just sending so much love to you and to anyone else suffering with HG. And thank you so much, Amy. And we'll chat soon and we'll be in touch, I'm sure, when our babies are here. Yeah, for sure. Amazing. Thanks for having me.

So this week I received an email from Mel who said, hi, had a very similar birth, birth trauma with my daughter, Emily, born on the 30th of June 2021. Oh, so really close to me. I love the name Emily, by the way. That was one of our potentials. Thanks for sharing. I'm terrified to have a second child because of this. How did you get over this anxiety? Did you have surgery to fix the wrong stitching up? I did not and I'm still in doubt. Thanks, Mel. This is actually a question that I get asked a lot on my socials. So firstly, in terms of deciding to have a second or dealing to an extent with birth trauma i definitely recommend listening to my podcast with emiliana from the mindful birth company because um she was kind of instrumental in helping me choose the birth i'm having now

which is an elective c-section um Because when I first found out I was pregnant, I was obviously really happy and she was very wanted. We knew we wanted to, but it really did bring birth trauma to a head for me. And because I'd started looking into birth trauma in that I did my birth debrief and I'd gone to see a gynecologist. I was diagnosed with, again, another word that I find really hard to say, vaginismus by a pelvic health physio. I was on that healing journey and I'd been recommended EDMR. Was it EDMR or EMDR? I should really be better with all of these terms, but you can't do that while you're pregnant. I was like, wow, how am I going to, how am I going to do this again? So I knew I wanted to have another baby and I thought I wanted to get it out the way while I was still sort of in that newborn, well, not newborn, but you know, new mom phase in life, chapter in life life and then I did the birth debrief which is free with the NHS

and I decided to have a completely different birth so obviously an elective c-section so that I wouldn't have to relive the same trauma and as for surgery I haven't had any surgery yet and because I know I'm giving birth again. So even though I'm not having a vaginal birth and I'm having a C-section, there's still that same pressure on my pelvic floor. And actually, I'd be interested to know if my prolapse has sort of come back now that I've got a nine month baby on me. Things definitely do feel more tender. things definitely do feel more tender. But having a completely different birth experience has allowed me to separate the old traumatic experience

into something new and exciting and positive. And to be fair, even when I get Braxton Hicks, it kind of makes me feel a bit traumatized. It takes me back to that sort of birth. So it's definitely the right decision for me. Hopefully listening to the Emiliana episodes will kind of talk you through all the different options and maybe that's something that you can think about and then um six months ish postpartum that's when I'm gonna look at whether or not I need surgery to fix the original stitching and prolapse and definitely the piles because I do not want piles for life. So I'm just going to take it from there

six months postpartum because I don't want more children after this. So hopefully that was helpful. If anyone else has any other advice or experience with birth and birth trauma by the way please let me know because i'd love to share other people's experiences because i'd say it's one of the most common questions that i receive and if you want to get in touch about anything else whether it's something that we discussed today or whether it's a topic you'd like me to cover or a guest you'd like me to have on or even just to chit chat about your own motherhood experience then i always love to hear from you so you can get in touch via email like mel did which is askmums the word pod at gmail.com or you can send a whatsapp a voice message even um which is 075-999-27537. Or if you are listening on Apple, then you can leave a review there. And that's

really easy for me to find. But also if it's a five-star review, then it definitely helps other people find us. So as always, thanks for listening and thanks for getting in touch. And I'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week. And I'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so.

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