Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - How to be a Confident Mama - with Melissa Carter

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

On This Week's Mum's The Word:Grace Victory is joined by Melissa Carter aka The Confident Mama tackling everything from why you have to pick your battles to dealing with a workaway husband to why she quit acting for social mediaThey'll Discuss:How to deal with motherhood when you're not feeling 100%Why weight loss is bullshit?The importance of realising it's okay to just be youGet In Contact With Us:Do you have a question for us? Get in touch on our Whatsapp, that's 07599927537 or email us at [e-mail] for Listening---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Hello and welcome back to Mum of the Word, the Parenting Podcast. I'm Grace Victory and I'm your host for this week.

And this week I'm feeling very, very, very stressed but well-dressed. I feel like there's a lot of personal changes going on in my life that's making me feel a bit unsteady. But also when you're a mum, you kind of just have to just power through. So that's where I'm at and I'm very excited to introduce today's guest who is Melissa Carter, better known as the Confident Mama on Instagram. She's a two-year-old son named River and she's an advocate for all things confidence, body neutrality and self-love. She wants to help every mum feel empowered and confident in the way

they look, dress, make decisions and speak up for themselves. Welcome to the podcast, Melissa. So how has your year been so far? Shit. Like literally, I can't, literally, that's the word to sum it up. It's been absolute dog shit. I got ill just before Christmas with something. Couldn't really even tell you what. And I've basically been ill ever since. This is the first time this has happened to me I've had like bouts where I've like you know had a flu and it has lingered a bit but this has been like I've never had this kind of situation before I have polycystic ovaries so I have like knowledge and experience of having something that never quite goes away yeah but it was manageable and I'd actually got that to a really good place so this yeah this threw me for a loop I had um what I assume was COVID in November got better

and then had like a stomach bug that I didn't get better from so yeah it's been a bit bleak it's not been the year I wanted well you have an idea of how you want the year to go, you have a hope. Do you remember everyone was doing those in and out lists? So I looked at mine about a week ago and I was like, that's bleak. So on my in list was basically, it was all things I have not been able to do. It was like drink only good coffee.

I've not been able to have a single actual like drink only good coffee. I've not been able to have a single actual coffee, not even a bad coffee. See my friends more often. I've barely left my house. Do you know what I mean? Like it was like, I went, wow, that's a bad list. I'll try again in 2025. Yeah. Because I always feel this sense of like shame if I look back at like a goals list or things I wanted to do and I haven't done them like I always feel like oh well that's just crap like I'm rubbish or whatever looking at a list did you feel like well this is just awful and I'm a failure I've had to get to a place where I'm just being really kind to myself it's something that I've learned in motherhood in general yeah

just how to kind of give myself a break because I think actually I've always been like quite a high achieving child and I relish being in chaos and stress and the more chaos and stress there is the more I seem to rise to the top of the occasion so actually resting is like not very natural to me if you make me meditate it's gonna make me angry I'm just not that kind of person I'm very chaotic and energetic so to have to sit yeah I thrive on that like energy um and I'm always that person everyone's like can you just can you just chill just for a second can you just calm down I'm like I really can't um so with motherhood I've kind of like at times had to so I've had to be kind to myself when actually like stuff just

didn't get done today and I'm like oh that really needed doing like you could see my house right now I'm just having to make my peace with it and yeah so I've had to be quite kind to myself and there's been a lot that I wanted to do and lots of things I had to turn down and stuff like that this year because I'm just like no this has to this has to be something that I do and this has to be something that I get past so yeah I'm having to be kind to myself and ignore all my natural instincts to ignore it and push ahead and I'm actually having to really listen to myself and go no that's not for you this time and there's a lot of grief I think that comes with that yeah as a mum when you do get the chance to have certain opportunities or time by yourself or

whatever and you aren't feeling great yeah you do feel a certain way about it it's like absolutely I think I had all these plans as well so my son River goes to nursery three days a week and I was trying to in my head manage my time a bit better and I was going to have one day that would be solely because like his room that does not get cleaned unless he's at nursery because either he's in it with me and messing it up as I go or he's sleeping in it so it's like if he's in the house it can messing it up as I go, or he's sleeping in it. So it's like, if he's in the house, it can't get done. So I was like, one day is going to be doing all those annoying jobs that I can't do with River in the house. One day is going to be solely like work,

errands, all of the stuff that again, I can't really do with him around. And then the last day is going to be a day that I choose to do one thing for myself. Maybe I'll go to the cinema, or I have like a monthly pass, and maybe I'll go to the cinema I have like a monthly pass and maybe I'll do that and that has not worked out that is not something that's been achievable at all this year a lot of it's just been like cool so on this day I'm going to go to acupuncture and then on this day I'm going to go to doctors and then on this day I'm going to lie down I relate to this the burden of being well or getting well and the maintenance is insane like after I was like critically unwell got discharged came home I was paying for private um physiotherapy at home um financially that was a lot of money but also just knowing that I needed to like

do all of these exercises every single day and then like like massage like you said getting medication acupuncture like all of these things it's a lot like I go and see a chiropractor every week and even now I get annoyed about I'm like I can't believe that like my nervous system is so rubbish at the moment that I've got to see a chiropractor once or twice a week. That's where I'm struggling. It takes a lot. Yeah, it really does. And I used to be, I mean, pre-pregnancy,

I truly was not an exerciser. You'd never catch me going for a run or going to the gym, but I was like a dancer, a mover, very agile. Then I had River and it wasn't a difficult birth it was just very long and he was back to back and it really messed with my lower back and hips and legs so I found myself quite immobile for about three years and then just as I get on top of that I'm now immobile in a different way I've just now not quite not got the energy to actually do anything and it's been kind of tricky I think as well because I've lost a significant amount of weight

since Christmas I've dropped I don't even know how much at this point but it was like we're talking too much weight too quickly as well and I'm having all kinds of weird feelings about that as well because I'm now like I'm almost back in the clothes that I was in before I was pregnant but they're for a different person they're for a person who could like go out and do things it doesn't make sense to me to be wearing this like sequin pair of shorts I can do them up now but I have nowhere to go in them so it's like it's a really weird kind of mix between this person I was this person I became and now this person I don't want to be at all and I haven't really got a way out of it there's no clear path

for me and it was all a bit better when my partner was home but he's just gone back to work he works on a cruise ship so he will actually be gone until October so we're doing a four month stint solo parenting I'm not yeah I'm not new to this I'm not new to this this is a this is a constant so you your partner works away for months he does your partner works away for months at a time yeah so you're basically a solo parent or a single parent yeah I call myself a part-time solo parent there's always another parent on the other end of the phone but in the moments where shit goes down it's me there's no one else if I'm not well he still needs dinner like I still gotta get him to nursery even though I think I might throw up I've still got to put him in the, even though I think I might throw up. I've still got to put him in the bath, even though I'm too weak to lift him out.

Like, it's still me that's got to do it. And it's a long chunk of time as well. But when he's home, he's home. So it's like two-man band all the time. Yes. It levels itself out. And I think he probably gets more quality time with his dad than a lot of children whose dad is nine to five. Because there's so much quality time with his dad than a lot of children whose dad is nine to five because there's so much quality time and we've made it work really well for us but yeah it's not super conducive to ill

health is what I'm saying how do you I mean I'm asking like oh so how do you cope when he's gone but you have no other choice but just exactly yeah everyone literally asks me all the time and I think they're really expecting me to come out with this, like, great piece of advice, like this Oracle lady. And literally, I think the fact of the matter is, if I don't, then what happens? Like, earlier this year, he wasn't very well. He picked up strep A from nursery, and he's a real medicine refuser.

He's very stubborn, my son. God love him, but if you don't want to do it it's not happening so i had to take him into hospital we had to stay overnight we had to get cannula in the hand and iv antibiotics he was so unwell and it was just that thing of being like well i just have to do this i was like i'm also super not very well actually and like I was there and going please can somebody make me some toast because I'm not allowed to eat any of the food from your vending machine and these nurses are like oh my god yeah okay but like all these little things that you have to kind of like you have to just prioritize and like stack and stuff and often

I get shoved to the bottom totally fine it. It needs to happen. But then in those moments where I would then kind of like reprioritize myself and balance it all out, I'm now having to massively take care of my health. And I think because I don't actually really know what's wrong with me, it's kind of making a bit harder because I'm like, there is no clear path through it at this point. I'm just kind of like firing arrows in the dark and hoping that I like hit a target what's motherhood in general been like for you from the very beginning so when River was like a newborn yeah so newborn loved it so he was born a week before we went into the first lockdown so one of my biggest anxieties when I was pregnant was that I was going to have like

unannounced visitors at the door I'm going to have to like share my baby with them and then the government made it illegal for people to come to my house so actually we had this baby bubble and obviously Robert being a cruise ship worker he didn't go back to work for like 17 months so it was just the two of us at home for the first like 17 months of his life I really enjoyed it it was a real bubble kind of environment just watching him grow up there's no pressure it was great so then when he went back to work it was still it was still good I think on the whole motherhood has been something I've like enjoyed and there's definitely been things that I find difficult. And there are things that, like, I wish I could do differently and stuff like that. And I wish I had maybe done differently now. And there are definitely elements like that. But on the whole, I've really enjoyed it so far. And River is, like, hilarious. is like hilarious just like he's so so good not well behaved but good like you look at him you go that's a good kid that one like yeah we did a really good job on that you know what I mean

he's uh he's funny and he's approachable and he's weird and like picked him up from nursery yesterday and I'm waiting outside all the parents waiting there and she opens the door the lady who opens the door and she's holding river's hand and i'm like oh my god what's going on now and it's because he wants to say hello to everyone as they enter so she's going that's so and so's nan and that's so and so's dad he's going hi i had to wait for every other parent to go in before i was like river can we go home now do you know what i mean he's that kind of kid so it's been motherhood has been like great because there's a good kid to do it with. But there have been certain instances where I've been like, ah, and it normally revolves around trying to source like childcare. Yeah. Because I have a great village.

It's a huge, plentiful village, but it's also quite a busy village and it's quite a spread out village so my family I live in Kent now my family from North London Hertfordshire so they're all dotted around there and they all have full-time jobs like my mum is young she's like not even 50 so she's like still a full-time teacher so they're not super helpful and then here is uh we've got my partner's mum who can pick up the slack in places and stuff but it's like yeah child care is normally the thing that makes me just rip my hair yeah what like you are mummy so yeah exactly so I'm like crap I've really got to go and do this thing and it just has to wait oh like I just I had to say no to a lot of

stuff that ordinarily I'd be like I would love to do that literally can't so that's a big one and then obviously trying to deal with my own ill health whatever it is alongside being a parent to a child who is becoming increasingly demanding of my time and energy bless him yeah I'm having to try and find a way through that we're having to rely on things that I didn't really want to rely on like more tv and if he asks for something he's getting it a lot quicker than I would normally for because I just have to pick my battles in a different way now yeah which is a lot of parents can relate to that like I have days where I'm just like I'm putting on a Disney film like I can't there's so much to do so much to get done and my my mental health isn't like the best today or

whatever so yeah letting go of mum guilt I think definitely helps absolutely and I think I think I'm always gonna have it there's been some really truly bleak moments where like I'll be just feeling so unwell that I'm actually crying and he's come up to me and go mummy you've got tears and I'm like I know and I don't want to hide it from him but also I was super aware that it was that he was finding it distressing so I was trying to explain she's like oh I just don't I don't feel very well some it's okay like sometimes sometimes we cry because we're sad and we hurt ourselves I just don't feel very well so I'm feeling a bit sad he's like do you need a dummy and I was like maybe maybe I need a dummy and just yeah just little things like that so

well I'd be like are you better can you play with me now and I'd be like oh my god because I know the game he wants to play he wants me to crawl around on the floor racing monster trucks with him and I'm like yeah that I can't do but we can do a puzzle so we're trying to have to like mix and match and find a common ground between us but luckily what I have managed to get him into is Mario Kart and he plays like literally with the like not with a twisty switch he plays with an old school controller and he legit beat me the other day so I was genuinely trying so big news is we found really common ground he's an absolute ninja on Mario Kart and I can do that sitting down and it doesn't take any of my energy and he loves it so quite a lot of gaming has come up of late which again I didn't really want to do with a four-year-old

but I also can't be trudging around the park at the moment yeah you have to do my days yeah I have to pick my days do you have an insatiable fascination with the paranormal? Brace yourself for the supernatural world is about to reveal all of its secrets on the Paranormal Activity podcast. And who better to guide you through this hair-raising journey than myself, Yvette Fielding, renowned paranormal investigator. Every episode of Paranormal Activity takes you on an unforgettable adventure into the unknown. But that's not all. The true heart of this podcast lies in the stories, evidence and questions shared by our devoted listeners. Will you dare to join me?

Listen to Paranormal Activity with me, Yvette Fielding, wherever you get your podcasts from. So, most people know you as a confident mama on Instagram. Yeah. But you were an actress. Yeah, I certainly was an actress, yeah. In the transition of TV. Yeah, largely having a kid. That thing of being like,

I can't find the childcare to do this like one day I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to find child care if I had to do anything for more than half a day so yeah it just hasn't worked out but um I kind of transitioned out of like tv acting when I was a bit younger just because it wasn't so much it was few and far between but just the uncertainty I didn't love not knowing if you were going to work that month when you were going to work etc and it was just making everything a little bit more tricky so I kind of transitioned into education and I was teaching performing arts and I was performing arts examiner so I was like still very much working within the arts and then did a bit of TAing for a while so I've worked within like loads of school environments and stuff like that and then

got pregnant and went I'll just leave now and went and pissed around on the cruise ship for six weeks instead I was like great maternity leave don't know why everyone doesn't do that you know it was very much like it was like that was great and now I'll just go home and wait for you to come home so we can have a baby but yes that was it was just kind of like natural transition out of it and it's one of those things where it's like never say never to doing it again but certainly not now this is not the time one day maybe basically social media just became a a job that was more viable for you to do I think it's realistically one of the only jobs that's actually viable for me to do at the moment if I was having to work like in an office or anything like that I at the moment I don't think I could do it one of the moment if I was having to work like in an office or anything like that I at the moment I don't think I could do it one of the things that I have managed to get a diagnosis

of something called SIBO which is a small intestinal bacterial overgrowth basically when your motility of your whole gut system slows down it allows bacteria to grow yada yada yada but the amount of people who ended up having to basically quit their jobs because of that alone so it's that thing of being like well at least I've got an income and a source of income that I can have quite good flexibility over um and kind of go I can't do any work today but I know I can catch up on it tomorrow or you know I can actually reuse something I've done in the past and stuff like that. So, yeah, but the stress obviously is then me going, God, my health's actually not good enough to do enough work to fund my health. So I'm like, oh, no. So, yeah, we're, yeah, we're seeing. So you do a lot of content on confidence and kind of like bodies etc why has that been a focus for you did you

struggle growing up in the public eye like what was I think it wasn't so much that I struggled it was just I was very aware of it so I was very um naturally slim child teenager um probably compounded by the fact that I was like doing ballet most days of the week and yeah I was just naturally quite slim was always very very uh self-conscious of my tiny flat chest but as I transitioned into my 20s kind of got over that a bit then I had river and obviously put a bit of weight on and I was breastfeeding but that didn't work out but I'm stubborn so I had decided that I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year and because I decided that in my head well obviously that is what I needed to do and I think I'd probably have more grace with myself now if that happened again but because

I think the combination of having Rob at home, being in this lockdown where I couldn't leave the house, gave me a really good breeding ground to be able to transition into exclusively pumping. So instead I did that for a year, which was probably more of an undertaking than I think I could do again. As difficult as nursing was, this is like a full-time job, sorting out pumping and the schedule and all of that, like, that is not something you do on a whim. I did it on a whim, but I wouldn't do it again on a whim. I'd plan it better. But yeah, with that, you can see what

you're making. You can see the output. So before you feed your baby, you trust they've had enough and they stop. When you're making up the trust they've had enough and they stop when you're making up the bottles and you're pumping let's say you do five ounces in a pump and then the next day you only do 4.5 you go oh shit something's happening my supply is dwindling and then you scarf like three packets of oreos you make yourself a milkshake with double stuff oreos because you've heard they can boost supply you're using oat milk and oats you're doing all the things to boost your supply which basically is just increasing your calorie intake so I think a mixture of being quite immobile because of the pain in my legs after giving birth being at home in lockdown really not leaving the house anyway

and then eating a gigantic amount of calories because I was looking at my milk supply every day kind of basically compounded into me getting bigger which is something I hadn't really done before so it kind of threw me for a threw me a bit and I wasn't super happy when I looked in the mirror and then I kind of had to basically just give myself a real talking to and be like, no, we're not doing that. We're just not doing that. This is not a vibe I'm into. This internal fat phobia that's going on. No, I'm not having that either. I've got to stop listening to myself and everything I've ever learned or been told about bodies and everything like that. And I just basically just had to just say, stop it. And then found myself to be a lot happier

after I managed to do that and give myself that very stern talking to. And then just basically started slightly giving everyone else a little stern talking to about it as well. Being like, well, I help myself, so I'll see if I can help you too. But yeah, I mean, even with all of this though, with all this weight loss that is happening now, completely out of my control, it's beginning to raise ugly feelings in me. Not ugly per se, but I don't love it. I'm being told daily, oh, my God, you look amazing. And I'm like, but I feel like shit. Do you know what I mean?

And it's a bit of a struggle because and the thing of being able to fit back into those clothes as well. So it's actually, I feel less confident in my appearance now than I did before Christmas. Yeah, but also like the inside, inside, I don't feel okay. But obviously we're told that like weight loss is so important and that health is thin and it's just, it's just bullshit. It's just an absolute nonsense I'm thin now and not very well at all and I was certainly bigger before Christmas okay probably

wasn't the healthiest I've ever been but I wasn't unwell do you know what I mean like I wasn't I wasn't anywhere near what I'm at now I wasn't like having multiple vitamin deficiencies and having various organs try and turn themselves inside out on me. Do you know what I mean? That wasn't happening to me and now it is. So I haven't felt quite so good this year. So I've actually done a bit less content around it because it just felt a little bit disingenuous as well to be kind of harping on about kind of, you know, loving yourself no matter what. And I was like, I've got love for myself, but it's tinged with like a fear.

I'm a bit scared of myself, I think is probably the best way to put it. Like, I don't know what tomorrow brings. best way to put it like I don't know what tomorrow brings and also there was obviously the odd comment that would be like but I don't really know what you've got to worry about because you look great so like why are you telling me to do this with my body when you've got a tiny body and I'm like okay I was like I actually don't have the energy to have that conversation with you like one one day we're gonna have a lot of conversations but a lot of things that have been said to me during this whole past few months but we're gonna do that when I've got the energy to have the conversation it's like no matter what size you are someone will have something to say about your body oh of course absolutely we've been conditioned to do it

like you know I think we always talk about like hot or not columns and who wore it better and like you know Trini and Susanna and like super size versus super skinny we talk about all those shows but I think what we miss quite critically from that is even in more recent times things like x-factor or Britain's Got Talent or anything that's a judging show which is basically i would say 80 of like live tv these days we've basically been taught to sit in our homes and critique other people whether it's their appearance or their talent or whatever it is and everything's being judged so the more we like i'll sit at home watch bake off and be like well it doesn't look good does it and i'm like i can't fucking do it like I'm sitting there like I'm Mary Berry and it's like I've been conditioned now to judge

everything and everyone I see that's like me in the Met Gala I don't I'm chronic for that I'll be like well that's shit like literally trousers you've been wearing for four days straight okay yeah like ketchup on your top or whatever barbecue sauce like you don't your estate yeah absolutely like billionaires or whatever going to the gala but you do it you do it yeah and i think we have just been conditioned to do it there's just so much opportunity to judge. So, and then obviously you add on top of that social media as well, where it's more self-judgment the way you consume.

And yeah, we're just primed to judge. So I think there's always going to be comments, even if they're internal. But what I realized is when I stopped myself from judging because I'd start to do it and then I'd be like stop it the less I thought people were judging me because when I was constantly judging others the assumption is that everyone's probably judging me too and they probably are if they're anything like I was they probably are but I'm not thinking about it now so it doesn't matter

like I don't know it's like Schrodinger's cat they are both judging me and not judging me and I will never know yes which speaks clearly to that part of me that's about like the way we ever the way we view the world is how we view the world and how the world appears to be to us and perspective I think is like a is a powerful thing and yeah and bodies change and they go up and down and that's the thing I start all my clothing videos well the large majority of them with by saying hi I'm a confident mama and this is my body today because bodies change daily because they do they do one day I'll be bloated as all hell because I'm on my period. And the next day I'll be like flat as a pancake. And then the next day I will have just been for a poo.

And then the next day I'll be needing a poo. And they're all going to be different bodies. And I think you can compare my body to now, like six months ago, and it's an entirely different person. But I'm still me. I'm still doing exactly the same job that I was doing then. But that's why it's important for people to see the body under the clothes so they know how that clothes fits though that body because you always

get someone going we know how to get dressed and I'm like that's not why I'm doing it you idiot like I'm doing it so you can see there's no bullshit here I'm not sucking myself in or puffing myself out I'm not you're seeing what you see and i think yeah exactly it's really important there has to be that kind of transparency that honesty you see it all the time you see someone stood there in their underwear and then they pull a dress on and then you can see the line of the shapewear underneath the dress and i'm like show the shapewear then people deserve to be able to tell they deserve to know that that dress didn't do that job they want to suck their tummy in that dress didn't do it the underneath garment did it which is fine

if that's your jam go for it but tell people that's what did it that's where I get my back up where people have this kind of like this half honesty because that gives the illusion of how they're so honest and it's like bullshit I smell it a mile off at this point before we finish what's one thing you want to say to a mama who isn't confident he's feeling unconfident insecure um her body's changed and also just like identity like she's now a mum and is kind of missing herself from pre-motherhood what's that one thing you could say so for me it was about identifying the things that could cross over and be part of both of those identities so before having river a huge part of my identity was like going out largely like live music festivals that kind of thing getting ready to go out loved all of that it wasn't like night

clubs kind of drinking it was like dinner with friends go to a gig that was always like my vibe and obviously I haven't done that really even once since he's been born so that was just never going to be two worlds that collided but what can collide is having dance parties so I can still dance to the music that I love but now I can do it with my son so he will sing now the words to multiple songs by the Beatles because that's what I love to do but now I have a new friend to do that with so it was kind of trying to take parts of both of those identities and seeing how I can make them join together I love playing Mario Kart and now so does my son and that was a really it sounds so stupid but that was like such a good moment for me

because I was like it felt like a connection between the two of us it felt like me being able to like share part of who I am and what I am with him and that's been lovely um and then in terms of body confidence it's there's always the gratitude element which you can fall back on really nicely there's always that just looking at your body and being like look what it did like look at that kid it made look like you did that and that is that's not nothing that's not that's not nothing especially when you look at your kids and you go oh my god you're just so good man and you can't believe that it came from you. How? How did that happen?

And then you take that in. You go, that's incredible. So there's always the gratitude part to fall back on. But the other part is just taking a minute and being kind to yourself. And wearing clothes that fit. Wear clothes that fit you. Always don't cram yourself into clothes that are the size you need to be.

Wear clothes that fit you. I have, well, obviously this is different now because now none of my clothes fit me for a very different reason, but I had jeans that were a size 14. I had jeans that were a size 20 in my wardrobe and I was a 14, 16. Wear the clothes that fit you.

Don't worry about the label. Worry about whether it looks good on you, whether you can sit down in it, whether you can breathe in it. Can you eat food in it? It's okay to be different. It's okay to be a different version of yourself because you are still you inside. You've just got to pluck out the bits that actually matter and actually make up who you are thanks for listening to mum's the word the parenting podcast we love to hear from you get in touch on whatsapp where you can send us a voice message for free at 07599927537 and email us at askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com.

We'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week.