Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - It's Okay To Not Be Okay - with Rhea Ellen

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

On This Week's Mum's The Word:Grace Victory is joined by Rhea Ellen to chat all about why it's okay to not always feel okayThey'll Discuss:Why motherhood comes first before any relationshipsBreaking the cycle of arguments with your childrenThe truth about bringing up young boysGet In Contact With Us:Do you have a question for us? Get in touch on our Whatsapp, that's 07599927537 or email us at [e-mail] for Listening---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mum's The Word, the parenting podcast. I'm Grace Victory and I'm your host for this week. Parenting this week has been a ride. Settling in Cyprus, my oldest at Forest School. He absolutely adores it, but drop-offs can be quite emotional, mainly for me. I find leaving him quite hard, but I feel like it's a very positive step in the right direction with Cyprus learning a bit more independence. Today's guest on Mum's The Word is Ria Allen. Ria is a fellow podcaster, a YouTuber and a mum of two boys. She's also my friend. Her YouTube videos are like a roller coaster to watch covering everything from uber eats to the kardashians and the school run once you start watching her it's genuinely hard to stop her comedy and personality

are infectious welcome to the podcast ria ellen who are you and how would you describe yourself oh gosh you know that question is so difficult because it's like who am i you know after how many years of having the kids i don't know but anyway i am ria ellen i do content creating on the line and i've got podcasts i'm on tiktok i'm on instagram and yeah and when did you start all of this like what made you grace this like because you are funny thank you this comedy screw loose actually but yeah i understand where does come from right in school i did anyone who's watching from my school would be like yeah yeah because in school i felt like i didn't have much friends at the beginning so i used to be class clown to just let people be my friend um yeah so that's how it's that started and then teenage life i went into retail

hated my job started running on snapchat and then people on snapchat were like you should put this on youtube and i was like what did you write about like your work and how much you hated it no when i tell you like i don't enjoy working like in any aspect i just want to lie in my beds do you know what i mean and have snacks soft life do you know what i mean that's all i want to do so working in retail is probably the worst type of job that you can have because you're dealing with customers constantly customers that don't know what they want as well yeah in central london as well it's a lot so that's how it started and then i was like let me put on youtube my first video was i hate people who talk in the cinema i actually do you hate people that talk in the cinema i actually do you hate

people that talk in the cinema what is the need what are you talking about i go there for a cold dark room don't and a tango blast don't that's what i go for yeah it's self-care so now you're ruining my self-care by talking about things that go home home and Google it when your film's finished if you don't understand it. It's jarring. So that's how it started, my YouTube. And what year was this? Like six years ago. So you're like an OG? Yeah.

I mean, you're an OG. Yeah. You're an OG with capital O. I'm actually like elderly. She's an OAP in the OG. In this industry, I am actually like, you know. Nannyap in this industry i am actually like you know nanny nana i do often think am i becoming irrelevant no because i see people coming up and they're like 20 but you have to remember that things have changed so much online that like if you're not

doing what everyone else is doing it feels like you're irrelevant but your audience will ride for you like regardless of what do you know i mean regardless of what you can what you do yeah because i feel like you know when you have a good support system when you take a break off socials yeah and you come back and the people there's still those people who are like oh my god how are you we've missed you and that's when you know that you have an influence when you feel like you can take a break and then come back and there's still people who are going to love you and show you support when you feel like you're stuck in it and you can't take a break that's when it's like do you still feel

like you're grinding because i feel like there's been no overnight success for me like it is day in day out i am still putting in i hear you yes i see you and i see you dibbing and dabbing in different types of content as well yeah which is lovely though because it's it's authentic like your day in the lives of like trying to dress for your mental health yeah and your new one that you put on tiktok of like is it 30 days yeah 30 outfits yeah yeah to wear because i have no idea when i look in my wardrobe i have so many clothes so many nice clothes i'm like what i don't understand yeah what's happening because i haven't got the brain capacity or brain space to think of an outfit yes

yes and that's why it's good to have what you have of like basics really good quality basics that you can just switch mix and match because that's all it's about who's got the time when you've got the kids grabbing your leg. And nothing stays clean. Yeah. No, no, no. I love cream and age. I know you do. I know you do. Nothing stays clean. I wash clothes every day that I've worn.

I can't wear things like twice. Yes, I can imagine. Even if you wear black. Yeah. Sometimes actually black is worse. Yeah. The white marks, just the dust. The digestive crumbs.

Oh my God. Like the kids. The crumbs. Yeah. Do you ever feel like really overwhelmed? No, I don't want to talk about the crumbs. Eyes god the kids the crumbs yeah do you ever feel like no i don't talk about the crumbs overwhelmed eyes getting watery the crumbs when the sun shines into the house oh my god grace i'm ready to throw the floor in the sky i've just hoovered this i i choose my lighting

based on how much i can see on the floor yeah nah it could ruin my day i mean a lot ruins my day but the crumbs and the way that the kids hands what sick crumbs and just nasty like you're actually getting the bath getting the bath stop coughing in my face yeah oh my god the cough in the face yeah the breath the breath right the breath let's talk about this the change the change of toddler breath grace i saw a tiktok that said we need to stop giving these kids strawberry toothpaste they need mint they need strong strong strong i tried giving my they need it i hear it and he looked at me like i was mad i said poo breath honestly i say we got a brush teeth because you got poo breath it's not and it's their tongue i try and get their

yeah i try and get their tongue because i'm like you lot are stinking stinking there's no nice little milky malty breath anymore like Kimiko she smells like malt cypress he turned three and it was over it's gone their feet aren't cute anymore their feet are like massive

their limbs are long and when they're on top of you you can feel it and their heads are long they're just and when they're on top of you you can feel it it's like get off and their heads are heavy everything's heavy and everything's doof and doof if i get into it we went on a bit of a rant there this is what we do you do social media yes and you have a yes and you're a mum of two boys yes how's your mental health some days it's how's your mental health some days it's okay like i don't ever feel this is sad but i don't ever feel like happy or joy constantly but i'm okay you know i mean i'm like you're functioning i'm functioning surviving but most days it's the roller coaster of emotions absolute roller coaster some days i'm just like i can't do this like why who sent me to have two kids i'm just like, I can't do this. Like, why? Who sent me to have two kids?

I'm just being honest. Who sent me to have two kids so close together? I'm not built for this. I am not built for this. I think this is the Lord all the time. I'm like, I can't be a mum. It's a bit late for me to be thinking these things. But honestly, mental health for me is like up.

The week before my period, I am done out. Don't speak. That's me now. Yeah. I'm surprised you're even here. On the floor. Don't speak. That's me now. Yeah. I'm surprised you're even here. On the floor. Everything is swollen. Yes.

My chin. Yes. My stomach. Everything is uncomfortable. Everything just feels like. Yeah. And then my head. Yeah.

Brain fog. Yeah. Fatigue. Yeah. Headaches. Oh, the headache. Yeah. I've had a headache for a week.

Yeah. It's a lot. And this has been since I've had kids though. Yes. The PMDD. Never had this before. My periods have changed drastically since having the kids. I try and stay on top of my vitamins, but yeah, that's a lot.

That's a whole another story. But yeah, PMDD is rife for me. Like, because I didn't think it was a thing at first. I used to just think like, oh, I'm just tired and touched out. Because you can't sometimes, because of mum life, you can't think about what it could be do you know what i mean yes even though your period you know your period's coming yeah like has my oldest just been touching me too much yeah sleep deprived or they really do coincide together so you have to really like know yourself to know that like my period's coming and this week i'm doing nothing i'm doing the bare minimum if i've got a buy take out then buy and take out if the kids are gonna watch tv

for a whole week then that's what's gonna happen because i can't do this i can't do this and it's okay it's okay because everything falls onto the mom even if the dad's great yeah your mom your mom your mom day in day out you only like my kids want me. If they could climb back into my belly, Grace, they would. Into the vagina, 100%. They would climb in without no problem. They'd just scatter through and just sit up there. I'm home. With their snacks.

Yeah. They'd be fine. So it's just, it's that constant, like, feeling of being needed that I can't, it's a lot. I think when you're constantly meeting other people's needs. Yes. It is insane to think you can meet your own. My therapist said yesterday in our session that when you've lost sleep, that's it. You can't get that back.

Yes. It's done. Yeah. And for mums, that's years and years and years of lack of sleep. Lack of rest. Yes. Lack of sitting still. Yes.

That wreaks havoc. My body is mashup yes hip pain back pain i can imagine breast pain yeah every every pain under the sun and sometimes i don't even have time to figure out what pain it is sometimes when i sit down at the end of the day i'm like oh my back but that pain has been there from last week and then to think where am i going to find a time to go and see if that's okay yeah book a doctor's appointment but for the kids they've got all their checkups done they've got everything they need but it's a lot and I think as well social media doesn't help because you go online and you do this constant

barrage of parenting advice mom advice yes how to make a million pounds from home yes on your maternity leave yes like hashtag self-care but like let's be real in the day-to-day lives it's hard so everyone's struggling yeah i feel like i've been unraveled yes and i'm like oh i'm over there i'm over there how do i get me yeah i don't know where i'm if i'm coming or going sometimes sometimes i just sit and i'm like what am i actually doing and yeah like you said social media is, it's so confusing sometimes because you have a small fraction of moms that is like rest. Yeah. Like sit and do nothing.

Let your kids, like I said, watch the TV, eat your snacks, like scroll on your phone all day if you need to. Then you've got the other half of that that's like, no, kids should be outside. They should be doing this. They should be doing that. They should be eating veg. They shouldn't be eating oven foods. Yeah. You should be sitting with should be doing this they should be doing that they should be eating veg they should be shouldn't be eating um oven foods yeah you should be sitting with them and playing with them and it's like how if i've got like that much in my cup how do you expect me

to fill up everybody else's cup and also even if you have a great partner they are not going to fill your cup up like you know how to yes so you have to really take time to think okay i don't know on tuesdays i've got day, let me do something for myself. But then that means that every, all the other washing and the snacks and everything that you need to buy. And then you walk through the door

and you're like, yeah, yeah. Because it's chaos as soon as you step in. And the to-do list doesn't stop in your head. Right, next week I've got to do that. Tomorrow I've got to do that. Yeah, yeah. Next week I've got to find those trousers.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't stop. It honestly doesn't stop. And I've said to myself that like, I have a to-do list for the week right and each day i might take off one and i might not take off anything but it is what it is like the washing i had four five bags of massive like ikea washing i don't know how everyone still had stuff in their drawers i don't know i don't understand so i emptied it all on the bed and i was like This is a madness But for the whole week I was like

I'm not doing it I'm not doing it I'm going to bed Or I've got work to do Or Like I have to prioritise What's important in that moment And everything feels important

What is that about? Yeah But to me It's not Nah Like Like my oldest His school uniform's done

Yeah That's what he needs tomorrow You've got pants That's all And that's tomorrow. You've got pants. That's all. And that's it. When I've got no clean pants, I'm like, oh, it's Pete. Yeah.

Yeah. I've got to do the washing. Literally. Yeah, that's me. Or let me just buy some. Yeah, that's me. Or my favourite pants. My favourite. I have four favourite pants.

Four. Just four? Just four. Why are they your favourite? Because they just hold in everything. And I can't feel the like hem of the panty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seam four. Why are they your favourite? Because they just hold in everything. And I can't feel the, like, hem of the panty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seamless.

Where are they from? M&S. Yeah, my M&S. Yeah, I need to go to M&S and buy some more. But, you know... M&S doing bits, you know? Don't. No, they're doing bits.

It's giving them Bottega Veneta vibes, okay? I went in there the other day and I had to just... You know you just have to focus on where you're going? Because I had snacks on one hand. But the food is... Shh. It's not just an apple pie it's not it's m&s apple pie no seriously you see when i said in the group chat the other day i want a sticky toffee with m&s custard not any type of custard m&s custard and you know i was dribbling at the mouth when you were saying that, like we were talking about burgers. Do you have an insatiable fascination with the paranormal?

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but honestly i say all the time i've got three boys i'll get the two ready and i'll be like lloyd get in the shower lloyd do this lloyd do that and i say to him i get frustrated that i have to instruct you to do things where's the proactiveness but the thing is because of his personality because he's so calm and just like chill you know i mean he doesn't think it's like yeah whereas me i'm like we gotta do this we gotta do that we gotta do this like it's just yeah so we don't because he's so calm i get even more frustrated because i'm like do you not see we've got so much to do in so little time and he's just like it's gonna be all right yeah lee my partner says it will get done yeah but will it but when but when because i need done two days ago honestly okay and also i have to work in it

with the kids so like if you say you're gonna do the washing and like our oldest keeps kicking the washing and it's irritating me so then i end up doing it and i'm trying to learn to just leave it if he said he's going to do it leave it like the the unit that he said he's going to put up in 2009 it's going to be at the top of the stairs and he's going to say oh but i told you that i needed that i need a um a screwdriver seek it find it buy it do it bnq but i just ray charles it put my glasses on and I just. Ray Charles. I guess I just Ray Charles it.

You just got Ray Charles a lot of it. It's a lot. I think my relationship has. Oh, can we. Relationship. Oh, it's suffered. Relationship. No, it's suffered.

Yes. It's actually here. Yes. The priority is here. And I'm struggling to grab it. It's a lot. No. It's a lot lot because you have to now navigate firstly I don't know who I am and now I have to navigate who I am to you and I don't like you

some days I have so much yes postpartum rage yes pre-period rage I could imagine that I I can't speak to anyone yeah because the thing is When we all live in the We live in the house together Right You should know the routine by now You should know Like Just read the room When you step into the room

You can smell chaos As soon as you step in The kids were on top of me Screaming Yeah Take one of them upstairs Disappear Do something

Without me having to Instruct you to do it Yeah It's just another word I'm just again using words to my throat hurts i feel like a parrot the energy i'm gonna start recording myself and pressing play because i say the same thing every single day i say the same thing to the kids every day stop doing that stop punching your brother stop doing that stop jumping i feel like

i'm often in battle with my toddler you're three years old and we're going head to head right now then i think what yes that's me i saw a tiktok that said um why am i arguing with someone who doesn't know how to put their shoes on the right yeah that's me with my four-year-old he goes no mummy yeah same same i don't want to yeah i don't want even my two-year-old said that to me yeah he's this big he's like a midget gem i don't want to Yeah I don't want Even my two year old Said that to me Yeah Two He's this big He's like a midget gem I don't want him mummy Excuse me And then you think

I don't want to be a mum right now Yeah I don't want to do this The funniest thing Cyprus does is say Oh you look tired Why do you think I am tired

Yeah Go to bed mummy I can't Because your Gruffalo foot Was on top of my Yeah Because her feet Three year old's feet Are like that foot was on top of my yeah because her feet three year old's feet are like that big was on top of my head all night and because you want snack after

snack after snack who do you think's cutting up the strawberries babe the snacks let's talk about this because you do a lot of content around like the food shop don't't, Grace. Money. Don't. Bills. Cost of living. Is it even living? Cost of living. Cost of surviving. Recession now. Don't. How? How?

Yeah. Exactly, how? How are we getting it done? Yeah. It's an absolute struggle these days because nothing is fresh. Nothing. I feel like they're taking our eggs out of the packet. Like, I'm buying eggs, but I feel like they're making them smaller.

Because why are we using six eggs for one meal? Yeah. For one meal, Grace. We're doing fry up. We've done six eggs. What is going on? The snacks. I'm trying to get the kids to eat more fruit.

Yeah. Trying to buy fruit. The strawberries don't last. I cut up one strawberry. The packet's finished. Raspberries. My four-year-old loves raspberries, but he doesn't have a job.

So he's paying for it, Grace. And sometimes you'll buy, like, strawberries. It's like four strawberries in one pack. Yeah. You should see me in the fricking aisle. I'm like, one, two, four. Okay, fine.

I feel like you're the voice of the people, though. Like, a lot of mums feel exactly like this. Yes. And you are platforming that. I think it's really important thank you i mean do you know it is it's i want mums to know and even my friends that want to have kids that it's hard and every aspect has its struggles every aspect has its challenges like sometimes my kid doesn't eat if i get onto my four-year-old and if he's watching this can you just eat your dinner can you just eat your dinner and sit down and just stop like constantly i'm having to persuade him to like come on eat this eat that and also to let moms know

that's normal like sometimes you think there's something wrong with my child they're not eating all they want to eat is porridge or wheatabix or they just want to eat crisps for dinner it's normal yeah just give them what they want yeah listen sometimes like sometimes lawyers are like

no you can't have porridge why not why not why not who cares pick your battles pick your battles

I don't care have porridge you've got something in your belly goodnight see you later that's it goodnight

literally and sometimes they'll be like oh it's 10am they want crisps eat them I don't care who makes the rules anyway what book are we following

exactly this you can offer all of the fruit and veg in the world yeah they will always want to have the crisp of course

maybe some hummus yeah and I say to him are you happy he's happy he's gleaming it's the pressure and the mum guilt.

Yes. I feel like this. You know what, Grace? I don't have guilt no more. Really? I don't have guilt anymore. You've let it go? I've let it go.

How? It's not something overnight, obviously. But I honestly say to myself, I am doing the best that I can with what I've got. And I'm doing better than I thought I would have as a mum. Really? Like, think of it like this, right? You've got Cyprus and Kimiko so close together. Yeah.

Like, actually deep that. Yeah. You're raising two babies. Mm-hmm. And you're in toddler world and baby world. And working. And working. Every day.

Every day. Yeah. Like, once you put in work as well, it crazy because there's so much you want yourself to be here right in your career and whatever but mum life is like dragging you down yeah and having to switch off that switch of mum life as well to step into being grace is insane like you know when you have to put out content and you're like i've just had a really difficult time in cyprus and you've got to put on this face like hi guys welcome like that is crazy or like you have like a men i often like get into bed and have an absolute mental breakdown yes sleep and wake up like nothing happened yeah because we have to yeah we have to when i had the

kids back to back right like because obviously i had two under two i remember feeling so upset with my oldest because i'm like you're having a meltdown and it's me that has to move on from this and i had to really learn really let go he's a child let go he's not doing it on purpose you are guiding him and you have to guide him through each meltdown and also it's not our job to stop the meltdown it's not our job leave him to have that moment so i leave them have your moment mommy say if you need a hug that's it we move on and i think for so long i was like he's crying we're in public it triggered the big feelings yeah really evoke big literally yeah like what like even we went on a we went we went to spain like my oldest had a meltdown because he wanted

a toy i remember thinking oh my gosh we're in public people are looking at me yeah i'm a black woman literally black kids in spain yeah as well exactly and i think lloyd went somewhere as well so it looked like i was on my you know people have this stereotypical view that like you're on your own with them which is absolutely fine but i had to g-check myself and be like ria who cares why do you care about strangers that you're never going to see again firstly secondly let him have the meltdown I let him roll on the floor I said Levi I'm here You chill if you need me I'm here

And then it was over in five minutes Because my job was not to stop him having that meltdown And when it's over Slappers goes are you okay And you know what I'm thinking I'm not okay right now I envy them sometimes Because I want to be able

To just scream Yes Just scream And no one judge me after Yeah I want to be able Yeah on my knees And just say

I can't do this I just want to be able To do that And I look at him And I think I'm glad that you feel safe with me Yes You know

That you can do that And you're not bottling up Your emotions Like we had to do Literally Because you think I'm going that you feel safe with me Yes You know that you can do that And you're not bottling up Your emotions Like we had to do Literally Because you think I'm going to hit you Or whatever the case is

Yeah Like do your thing Yeah And just know I'm here Regardless of how you're feeling And that must feel amazing To get it out That energy

Like I need that You know all week Grace I've wanted to scream All week I've just wanted to just Run away Turn off my phone And just not speak to anybody

But I can't Because you're a mum Because I'm a mum And you have two boys Yes What is that like? Boys I've got one boy obviously

But I've heard that yeah Raising boys particularly is a lot I'm glad that you said a lot Because I was going to say absolutely flipping insane that's what i was going to say but a lot is a good round it's just a lot yeah yeah in capitals boys are absolutely fantastic yeah um they're really loving they are loving loving they're loving they're loving yeah they're loving it They're loving. Yeah, they're loving. It's just a lot. Like, they've got energy.

That we don't have. That can go on for 25 years. I take them to the park. They come back. They're like, what's next? Yeah. Marvel. Yeah.

Hulk. They'll be running across the chair. Yeah. The chair is not a chair anymore. They love to jump. They love to jump. Flip. They jump down the stairs. They jump in the...

Spider-Man. Sting. This is what they do day in, day out. And I've just learned to kind of just leave them we have costumes they wear the costumes all day jump be wild do your thing because otherwise if you can't be free in your house where are you going to be free yeah if i don't make your home your safe space where are you going to be free do you know what i mean so i just let them do what they want yeah you have to otherwise you go insane i let them do trampoline yeah we do i put mattresses

on the floor they jump onto that whatever do your thing do your thing because boys my mother-in-law had five boys and every day she's like go again for the girl and i'm like but i could be like you and have five boys when is enough enough no? No, honestly, it's enough. That question. When's your next one? When please, I do not say to them, I'll have one when you have one.

Okay. And then we'll, we'll, we'll meet up. What is next for you? What is your dream? Your goal? Like, where do you dream?

My dream is to have my own show. I want to have my own TV on TV. Oh my God. Yeah. I want to have my own show. I want to have guests. I want TV. Oh my God. Yeah. I want to have my own show. I want to have guests. I want to have different mums on there. Because you know I've got a mum podcast.

Yes. Well, it's not a mum podcast, but it's like a segment of my podcast where I get mums on, you are coming on, when I really sort out my life. Just talking to loads of different mums with like different stories

and just opening up like that raw conversation about like, my pregnancy was hard. I really hated it and that's okay. I don't enjoy being a mum and that's okay. Like just opening

an honest conversation and just making, you know, other mums not feel alone, you know? So yeah, I'd love to have a show like that and just,

not just mums, but just have loads of different types of people on there. So that's my dream to have a show. Yeah. Yeah.

And just put out more TikToks, just shouting and, you know. Ranting. Ranting, darling. Yes, yes,

yes. That's, that's my aim. What a pleasure. It was an absolute pleasure. No, I actually love you. No,

I love you too. It was a pleasure. And you're doing amazing. No, I say this to you all the time. I don't think you give yourself enough grace. Pardon the pun. I don't think you...

She's a comedian. I don't think you give yourself enough grace because you're doing... You've got babies that are close in age than mine. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And I always think like when the kids are on top of us, it's because they love us.

And I know it's like I love you too But get off me You know But It's a lot It's overwhelming though isn't it The love The love you have

Yes And then The overstimulation Yes And the being touched out Yes They exist together They do

And it's like what is happening They do They do Because then you feel bad When you tell them to get off You're like Oh I feel bad So I just go them to get off, you're like, oh, I feel bad.

So I put a ghost to me. Oh, you're so beautiful, mummy. Oh, my God. He's so delicate. So are you. No, he's just. He's so delicate. He reminds me of my oldest.

He is everything I would have hoped for to have a boy. Yeah. He's going to be so delicate. And to have him as the older brother to kimiko kimiko is blessed kimiko's blessed you see what you could have been as a child in them yeah yeah on that note yeah mom's the word mom's the word Thanks for listening to Mums the Word, the parenting podcast. We love to hear from you. Get in touch on WhatsApp where you can send us a voice message for free

on 07 599 927 537. Email us at askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com. We'll be back with another episode same time same place next week