Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - MUM'S THE WORD BEST BITS: Grace Victory

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

On This Week's Mum's The Word:Grace Victory sits down and reflects on what her favourite moments has been from our guests across Season 2 of Mum's The WordWe'll Hear From:Rhea EllenNatasha SidhuAnd many more guestsGet In Contact With Us:Do you have a question for us? Get in touch on our Whatsapp, that's 07599927537 or email us at [e-mail] for Listening---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mum's The Word, the parenting podcast. I'm Grace Victory and I'm your host for this week. We have author of Rebel Mama, Laura Rafferty joining us. Laura is mum to her two sons, Jack and Ben, and worked in corporate America for her entire career until she had her first child, which triggered her love of writing again. Writing a book had always been one of her dreams and so Rebel Mama was born. Rebel Mama redefines the motherhood norms from getting pregnant all the way up to introducing solids and everything in between. It's there to invite every mama to awaken their rebellious side and go against any modern

parenting practice that goes against their instinct. Welcome Laura to the show. So I was overdue and getting to the point where my doctor was like, we're going to have to induce you if your non-stress test comes back with any signs of stress or if your ultrasound shows us anything we don't like. So I was almost 41 weeks and I went in for a non-stress test in an ultrasound and they didn't like what they saw in the ultrasound. They thought my amniotic fluid was too low.

They thought the baby stopped growing. So at around 30 weeks, the baby was projecting to be about in the 60th or 70th percentile. And at this appointment, he was projecting to be about the 25th percentile. And at this appointment, he was projecting to be about the 25th percentile. So they add some concerns there. And then lastly, my blood pressure had been increasing. And so the midwife at the practice I was at said,

I think your placenta might've stopped working in the last few weeks. And I'm concerned it was a Friday and I'm concerned about you going into the weekend like this and us not being able to see you till Monday. So she said, I'd like to send you into the hospital and have you induced with servidel, which is a something that helps you with dilation. So it's not going to actually induce. It's not pitocin. That would have been sort of like part two. But I was devastated. I was like, oh, here we go. I've heard so many stories that start out like this and end unnecessary.

And this is not how I wanted it to go. And so I didn't really feel like I had a yes or, here we go. I've heard so many stories that start out like this and end in a cesarean, and this is not how I wanted it to go. And so I didn't really feel like I had a yes or no answer in that, although she sort of, you know, asked my permission, but she was pretty much like, you need to do this. And so my husband and I went to the hospital. It was very anticlimactic. I had, you know, I had pictured it kind of like the movies, right, where you're in the front seat screaming

because you're about to give birth, and we were just driving like we'd be driving anywhere. So long story short, they did insert that in, but I was cramping like crazy. And they said, well, you're not really supposed to be in any pain on this. So let's take this out and let's see if you're dilated at all.

And maybe it moved things along. And so she checked and I was like two and a half inches dilated, not at all. And super deflating, cause I felt like, oh, maybe this was working. So then I said to her, I'm in a lot of pain and I feel like this is either something you're missing or something's not right.

And so she got rid of all the monitors and all the computers and she just touched me with her hands and she said, oh, I think you might be having contractions. So they offered me an epidural, but I said, I don't want an epidural, certainly not at two and a half centimeters dilated. And she said, you know, the only other option we have for you at this point is we can give you like a little bit of a Benadryl type cocktail to relax you. And I said, I don't really want that either. So I said, can you turn the tub on? Nobody had offered me the tub, but there was a tub in the bathroom.

So she let me go in the tub and I sat in there for a bit and my husband came in with me and I said, I'm really worried because they said they want to start a pitocin drip in the morning, but I'm already in like excruciating pain. And we haven't even done anything yet. So I said, but I feel like this is like somebody's missing something. I just kept saying, I think somebody's missing something. And so long story short, I got out of the tub and she checked me again

and I was almost 10 centimeters dilated. So I was in active labor that whole time and no one really knew because they were too busy focused on their monitors and I had the belts around me and everything to really just pay attention to what was going on. So on the podcast today is Karen Hartley. Karen is a psychotherapist who specializes in anxiety and stress, not just for parents, but for women and men of all ages and backgrounds.

For many of us getting through the year, especially with kids, can result in burnout. We find ourselves running on empty, just trying to get to the weekend, only to find that offers us little to no respite. It's a quite frightening statistic that one in four of us during our life will suffer from mental health issues. And since COVID, I'd be surprised if that statistic wasn't even higher. Karen, welcome to the podcast and thank you for joining me. How do we learn to live a bit more balanced? Because surely it's unhealthy to just see

yourself as a parent. How do we live a more balanced life where actually we feel comfortable putting ourselves first sometimes? Because I massively struggle with this, massively struggle. So a bit more of a balanced life. I guess it's looking at what's kind of taking some of the demands away. Because obviously we talk a lot about work. Work, well, depending on the environment where you work,

that can be quite stressful, that can lead to burnout. But I think there's something about, Grace, what's your support system look like and what you like asking for help? Obviously not just you, but I see this often with clients that I work with. It's really important that you look after yourself, because I guess if you're continuing to pour from a,

I guess, an empty teacup, then you're not gonna have nothing to give, you know, in terms of parenting, in terms of your partner, in terms of other family dynamics relationships. I think there's something also about hobbies. I think people sometimes forget or negate or take away and don't put the time into having those hobbies. And it doesn't really have to be something extreme.

I think something even simpler as getting out the house and having a walk. It doesn't have to be in half an hour walk people. You don't have to do 10,000 steps. It was just five minutes to yourself, you know? And I think a really big thing in terms of mothers, fathers, parenting, something about managing expectations and letting go of perfectionism.

I think that ties back into what I said earlier in terms of the comparison or other family dynamics and units and what it looks like for them. And father might come home from work and dinner's made on the table and it just might not be the same for everyone. So it's work, finding out what works best,

I guess in your family unit. I think as well as mothers, and maybe I'm just talking about me here. We have a controlling tendency. So like, I hate asking my partner to do something because he's not gonna do it the way I do it. And I do it the best. So I'm like, I'll just do it myself.

You know what, it's so funny. I have this tendency, you know, and I talk to my cousin about this all the time. Gosh, if she hears this podcast, she'll be like, why are you putting my business on blast? But you know, she talked to my cousin about this all the time. Gosh, if she hears this podcast, she'll be like, why are you putting my business on? Blessed. But you know, she has a way of doing things and how she cleans the house and stuff and I was like, you can't ask for help.

And then kind of micromanage him on how he does the help, you know? So yeah, I think quite a few of us are guilty and I raise my hand up too. But, and I think it's again, it's kind of letting go of some of that control, you know. Takes time. It does take time. Thinking about mental health and difficult conversations, are you seeing a difference in sort of like the younger generation versus the older lot? Because I go on TikTok and the younger people have their shit together. They are talking the talk. Or does it look like they do, Grace? Does it look like they do?

Very true. I do think that the younger generation do lean into the conversations around mental health a little bit more. Again, going back to the pandemic, I remember seeing all these adverts about just talk and getting support and help. So in terms of my demographic, I'd say it's between the ages of 25 to 45. But most clients are 25 to 35. That's the predominant, you know, age group of the clients that I work with. Yeah, in terms of the older generation, again, I think about my grandparents and bring clients talk about their parents are like, you know, they're in this age gap where I guess asking for help talking about your needs and emotions can seem really alien to them.

And oftentimes, when we look at the older generation, and we think, Oh, it's just being cantankerous or just angsty, what's wrong with them? And actually, it might be anxiety or depression, but they don't know what that is. You know, I guess, having like the language, even when sometimes I work with older clients, they're like, well, how are you feeling emotionally? And they're like, I don't know. So I think this younger generation are doing a lot of work. And I take my hat off to them. I take my hat off to anyone, I guess that leans into mental health and having these conversations. And I also think that they are paving the way and making the change in terms of, I guess, some of the work that hasn't been done before.

Today's guest is Megan Rossiter, and she is a registered hypnobirthing expert, has a diploma in hypnobirthing, and is the current co-chair of Kingston NHS Trust and Tentative Voices Partnership. Megan runs a website, BirthEd, that has helped thousands of women all over the world make the right choices for their pregnancies

and deliveries right up to the moment the baby arrives. Having supported so many women through the process, she now completely understands how we vastly underestimate what giving birth involves and vastly overestimate what the maternity system can provide. Megan, welcome to the podcast. We're not told the truth about birthing because it is a natural thing but it seems to be, I don't know, sometimes I feel like we're over-complicating it. We definitely are and I think that goes in both directions. I tend to

see at the moment, there tends to be like two popular conversations around birth. You've either got the, oh my God, it's absolutely awful. Just turn up, hand yourselves over, let them do whatever they need to do to get the baby out alive, the end, which is not giving the power to the person that should have the power in that engagement, right? It giving the power to the person that should have the power in that engagement, right? It should always lie with the person that is giving birth for them to be able to decide whatever they need to decide to make that birth experience positive. But also on the whole, birth is not an emergency event for I think what we see the World Health Organization says that in countries

where the caesarean rate goes over 10% we don't see a difference in outcomes. So for around 1 in 10 people we are improving outcomes by having that basically emergency intervention and absolutely for anybody that falls into that 1 in 10 or anybody that wants a caesarean birth or a birth with more intervention in it, absolutely we are I feel very very grateful to live in a into that one in ten or anybody that wants a cesarean birth or a birth with more intervention in it. Absolutely, I feel very, very grateful to live in a country where that is ultimately freely available and in other countries it's not. But we also know that around 80% of women are experiencing intervention, not necessarily cesarean birth, but intervention in their births

and that also another 80% of women want a ultimately straightforward vaginal birth. So there's basically probably somewhere between what 60 and 70, 80% of people that are being massively let down somewhere along the lines because what they wanted isn't what they're getting. On the flip side, we can't just say, oh yeah, birth always works as long as you think positively and breathe nicely, which is the other conversation that happens. Like, oh, just get yourself a pool, go to a lounge and you'll breathe the baby out. For around one in 10 women, no, like mother nature plays a role in it. And sometimes there are complexities that do come up in pregnancy and birth. And the conversation that sometimes happens on the other side is the

sort of like, if you've had intervention, then you've done something wrong. And again, that responsibility shouldn't be falling onto the shoulders of the person that's giving birth, because sometimes it's genuinely needed. Sometimes it's a lack of care that they've been provided with, or any multitude of things that can kind of contribute to why that has happened. But I definitely think you're right, there's space for honesty in the middle around what birth actually feels like, what the birth experience is actually like, the kind of safety of birth for the vast majority of people. And I don't think we're having conversations around that, that aren't just massively sugar having conversations around that that aren't just massively sugar coating it,

that aren't just being like, oh, it shouldn't hurt. That's some messaging that sometimes comes with hypnobirthing makes it sound like, oh, as long as I do it right, then it's absolutely gonna be fine. But actually it hurts, but say what? You're really strong, you're really capable. You can manage something that hurts.

There's blood, yeah. But it's those things that we're like, oh no, that's going to scare people, that's going to scare people, so we don't want to talk about them. But, you know, everybody that's ever had a baby knows the reality and then we could try to keep it very kind of secret. So there's that reality to share. But there is also the reality of like, what does the modern maternity system look like now? And it is letting down families. And we need to know that it's letting down families so that we can work out how to make the most of it.

And there are particular groups of women that are being let down at an even higher rate than others. Today's guest on Mum's Word is Rhea Allen. Rhea is a fellow broadcaster, a YouTuber and a mum of two boys. She's also my friend. Her YouTube videos are like a rollercoaster to watch covering everything from Uber Eats to the Kardashians and the school run. Once you start watching her, it's genuinely hard to stop. Her comedy and personality are infectious. Welcome to the podcast, Rhea Ellen. Everything falls onto the mum, even if the dad's great.

Yeah, your mum. Your mum. Your mum, day in, day out. They want you only, like my kids only want me. If they could climb back into my belly, Grace, they would. Into the vagina, 100%. They would climb in without no problem. They just scatter through and just sit up there.

I'm home. With their snacks. Yeah. They'd be fine. So it's just, it's that constant feeling of being needed that I can't, it's a lot. I think when you're constantly meeting other people's needs. Yes. It is insane to think you can meet your own my therapist said Yesterday in our session when you've lost sleep, that's it. You can't get that back. Yes, it's done

Yeah, and for mums that's years and years and years Yeah of lack of sleep. Yeah of rest. Yes lack of sitting still.. That wreaks havoc. My body is mash up. Yes. Hip pain, back pain, breast pain. Yeah, every every pain under the sun and sometimes I don't even have time to figure out what pain it is. Sometimes when I sit down at the end of the day I'm like oh my back but that pain has been there from last week and then to think where am I going to find a time to go and see if that's okay. Yeah. Book a doctor's appointment. But for the kids, they've got all their checkups done. 100%. They've got everything they need.

But it's a lot. And I think as well, social media doesn't help because you go online and you do this constant barrage of parenting advice, mom advice, how to make a million pounds from home on your maternity leave, like hashtag self care. But like, let's be real, in the day to day lives, it's hard. Everyone's struggling.

I feel like I've been unraveled. And I'm like, oh, I'm over there, I'm over there. How do I get me? I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes. Sometimes I just sit and I'm like, what am I actually doing? And yeah, like you said, social media is really, it's so confusing sometimes because you have

a small fraction of moms that is like rest. Like sit and do nothing. Let your kids, like I said, watch the TV, eat your snacks, like scroll on your phone all day if you need to. Then you've got the other half that's like, no, kids should be outside, they should be doing this, they should be doing that, they should be eating veg, they shouldn't be eating oven foods,

you should be sitting with them and playing with them and it's like, how, if I've got like that much in my cup, how do you expect me to fill up everybody else's cup? And also, even if you have a great partner, they are not gonna fill your cup up like you know how to. So you have to really take time to think, okay, I don't know, on Tuesdays I've got a day, let me do something for myself. But then that means that every, all

the other washing and the snacks and everything that you need to buy. And then you walk through the door and you're like... Yeah, yeah. Because it's chaos as soon as you step in. And the to-do list doesn't stop in your head. Right, next week I've got to do that, tomorrow I've got to do that. Yeah, yeah. Next week I've got to find those trousers. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't stop. It honestly doesn't stop. And I've said to myself that like, I have a to-do list for the week, right? And each day I might take off one and I might not take off anything,

but it is what it is. Like the washing, I had four, five bags of massive like Ikea washing. I don't know how everyone still had stuff in their drawers. I don't know. I don't understand. So I emptied it all on the bed and I was like, this is a madness.

But for the whole week I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm going to bed or I've got work to do. Like I have to prioritize what's important in that moment. And everything feels important. What is that about? Yeah, but to me it's not. No.

Like my oldest is school uniforms done. Yeah. That's what he needs tomorrow. You've got pants. That's all. And that's it. When I've got no clean pants, I'm like, oh, it's pee. Yeah.

Yeah. I've got to do the washing. Literally. Yeah, that's me. Or let me just buy some. Yeah, that's me. Or my favorite pants. My favorite, I have four favorite pants.

Four. Just four. Just four. Why are they your favorite? Because they just hold in everything and I can't feel the like hem of the panty. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Seamless. Natasha Sidhu gave up the security of a regular job that was well paid to follow her dreams

and completely changed her life around. Getting out from under a career that was suffocating her to working out what her real passions in life were and how to turn that into a whole new life. Tasha's journey into motherhood has not been easy either. After multiple miscarriages she thought being a parent made with something that was never going to happen for her and her husband until she found out she was pregnant again with triplets. Welcome to the podcast Natasha. When you found out it wasless, what did you think? So the week running up to my first scan, I refused to come in for any early scans.

This time I was like, I'm going to the main ward. I want to get to the main ward. That's the only place I'm going. It's so important to take back that bit of control. I just couldn't do that. And unfortunately that week I started bleeding again. And I just thought, someone up there is having me on. Yeah. And that was it. It was just like, nah, we're not doing this again. So that's it. Just cut it off now.

I didn't allow myself to get attached so that's fine. I'll just have to go in. And I had red, you do get bleeding. It can happen but... It's still the fear isn't it? Anyone who's had a miscarriage will know just sneezing too hard just going for a wee leaves you with pure every wipe I would do I haven't had a miscarriage but every wipe I've done in my pregnancies I've literally looked every single yeah wipe just to make sure yeah I've never for seven months had a relaxing wee. No. Never. Even in the poo you're thinking oh my god have I pushed too hard they might come flying out. I mean yeah the

lovely joys that go through parenting in pregnancy but yeah so I ended up going to the scan. We actually knew who we hoped was going to be our mid, who was a family friend. So she was like, look, I'm gonna be there on the day. Just, you know, let's just come in. We're gonna see what's going on. Yeah. Obviously at this point now, I have gone into pure panic attacks the day of the scan.

So I just can't even, the fact I never have to do a scan again is like, I've won the lottery of life. Can't do them. And I'd obviously gone in, they'd let Ryan come in with me for the first scan and The lady just went quiet. My husband was like you can we just can we just just talk just tell us just say I'm now Hyperventilating I've had to be brought. I'm like, I'm literally I can't breathe. She's gonna be sick. Pull me up

She's like just lay down and she's gone quiet. I'm actually there with you right now. So imagine, my eyes are screwed, screwed tightly shut. Ryan's holding my hand. We are just like, I'm like, just tell me, just tell me. But for some reason I'm not able to talk directly to the woman. It's going, I'm talking to Ryan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like ten seconds away from me. Strange. And she was like, I don't know how to tell you this.

And mom's like, just say, just tell us. And she was like, someone up there know how to tell you this. And Ryan was like, just say, just tell us. And she was like, someone up there really wants you to be a mum. I'm seeing three heartbeats. I've got goosebumps. Yeah, I just got goosebumps too. And Ryan went, what? I mean, he did say another word though. We went with...

Yeah. And I just went, what did she say? I've still got my eyes closed. I've never, I never saw the first scan. I was just going, what went what did she say? I've still got my eyes closed. I've never I never saw the first scan I was just going what what is she saying? Ryan's going what the and this just went off for like it feels like an eternity and the woman's going This has never happened before like in ten years. I've never had this before like I'm gonna have to go and get someone else So we're now in this room

Going in feeling we're gonna be told the worst news again and they say be told this another lady came in confirmed well I walked out of that room and I eventually managed to walk out to our friend who's the midwife and she was like I'm so sorry and I was like I had I could just tell me like just miss all right it was everywhere was like, I'm so sorry. Are you like, no? I was like, no. This is shock. Clarey Pierre is the Black female founder of Vice South, which she was inspired to launch in October 2018

after struggling to find a space that resonated to her within the wellness community. Clarey's mission is to make wellness more approachable and accessible to the people that its origins are derived from. Chloe has also written a book called Take Care, a black woman's guide to wellness, which she released earlier this year. And in 2021, she gave birth to her beautiful little boy, who she calls Crumble.

Welcome to the podcast, Chloe. So you gave birth in 2021, is that right? Yeah. What has the motherhood journey been like for you? Because I feel like, you know, you're really present on social media in terms of your work. And I see your little boy, which you call Crumble, right? Yeah. He is with you everywhere.

But you won't go into much detail about like your actual journey of motherhood. And your birth. Do you know what? Yeah that's so hard. So one I think that you guys, so people like you are doing an incredible job so I'm like you know what don't need to saturate the space. But also because I'm a single parent, because I have, because I'm a black woman I'm a single parent because I have, because I'm a black woman that has created this career out of nothing, I almost feel as if it can be taken from me at any point.

And because of that, I feel like quite early on, and I might be wrong, but I felt as if I had to protect it at all costs for both of our futures, for the future of my businesses, the community that I built. So I think once I had done like the announcement, once I'd done a few of the first year of motherhood, I kind of thought let me like pull away from the motherhood content. It's not that I don't have content, it's not that I don't want to share it, it's just I'm very protective and you know when I was pregnant and

after I had him people were like oh you're like an influencer and it's like yeah I also have had a business for about four years. So I always felt like people put you in a box so if I was gonna be put in any box I need to be a businesswoman and of course anyone that knows me well enough would know that I've got a son. I don't post his pictures because people scare me. So that's why, but I mean, I would love, in an ideal world, I'd love to show him on there. I'd love, he loves the camera, but I just,

no, there's too much for me to heal from that I just can't do right now. So was motherhood a shock for you? Because it was a shock for me. And you are a single parent. So you don't even have that kind of, I'm struggling today, you know, you need to take your son. You can't even do that.

You need to take your son. Yeah, no. It is a lot. Like there's no way around it. It is a lot. There's no way around it. It is a lot. I think because I have grown up with enough single parents around me, whether that's in my friendship groups, in my families, my mum was a single mum after a certain point, so I think after I turned 11, but a lot of people are single parents, but they're just in coupled relationships.

It's just, it's really different. And I think there's so much that I've learned about it at this two and a half year mark, but it is tough. And I'd be lying to say if I didn't cry a lot, if I didn't feel frustrated, I think my saving grace, and I made notes because I was like, what is she gonna talk to me about? And like, what do I really wanna say?

I think what I've learned about being a single parent is you have to be organized. There comes a point when you have to put yourself first, because for the first year and a half, I was just, maybe two years, I was just running on, I have to make this work, I have to keep us alive, I have to keep the businesses years, I was just running on, I have to make this work, I have to keep us alive, I have to keep the businesses going, I have to keep everything going. And I didn't really feel like I had to look polished, but there was a moment that clicked in and I was

like, well, if you can't be organized, then at least make it look on the surface, which is probably because of the influence and role that I have and being so socially present. I was like, at least you've got it together visually. Now that has kind of dropped. It's not that I don't want to look presentable, I don't want to look organized. There's no need for me to like front if that makes any sense. I've started organizing bits of my life and I've also made this massive change or this risk which should

support me in ways that I struggle with here. Right, right, yes. Yeah so I think the lack of childcare and not just lack of childcare, lack of adequate or quality childcare is just a concern for me. I work really hard, I've got a single income, we're so privileged in a way, but it is still hard. And when I say organized, it's making sure that like, I'm constantly moving my calendar around every week. It's making sure that I do know that he's got a nanny book, which he's with right now in the other room. It's making sure that like his childcare is sorted. And I've had a nightmare with it because of this country

and how the system is set up. I feel very much like they penalize single parents. It's brought me to tears. It's made me consider, if I'm honest with you, I think I could be honest, the first year, and I'm not gonna get upset because it feels like I'm shedding a load. The first year, maybe the year and a half,

there was a time that I actually contemplated not being here. Because I was like, what have I gone into? I know that I haven't chosen a lot of things, but this is not life, this is not what I ever envisioned giving my child. And it was hard. Today's guest is Nana Crawford,

better known as thisblackwomancan on Instagram. She's a mum of two, Takiki who's nine and Cass who's seven. She says she wants to inspire people to jiggle and dance with their bodies with joy and confidence. Welcome to the podcast, Nana Crawford. I love my children, I love my children. I really did not like being pregnant. I really didn't like being pregnant.

I felt like it was a complete outer body experience for me. And often, you know, I got really, really sad when people would talk about how wonderful pregnancy is and you're growing a human and your body this and your body that but for me it was kind of like an alien experience and I was not in control I think that's what it was I was just not in control of what was happening to my body and that is really scary and I feel like people should talk about that more

when it comes to pregnancy. There's a lot of things that happen that you also have no idea about. What? Like your nose can swell, your feet can grow like two sizes bigger. All of these things happen. You're like, what? Nose bleeds. And every time something new happened,

I wasn't in control of it. And it really freaked me out. Obviously I wanted to have children, otherwise I wouldn't have done it, but I just wasn't aware of it. And I mean, I did it twice. I don't have done it but I just wasn't aware of it and I mean I did it twice. I don't know why but I did it twice, did it once, thought oh my gosh what was that? Did it again? Thought oh my gosh, what was that? Both pregnancies were different, both pregnancies were just as weird

But what it actually left me with was that afterwards I had a complete disconnect from my body. I had a complete disconnect and I had this kind of image of what my body should look like based off what I'd seen on films, on TV and media and then I had this image of what my body actually looked like and the two were completely different states and then there was me in the middle and I would kind of like be looking at both being like well where should I be and I went through so many like fitness things, I did like fitness challenges, I did like couch to 5k, I did whatever it was I was like sign me up I'll do it because I was trying to obtain this image here and totally neglecting the body that was existed, the body that was left after the pregnancies. And once I got to the image that I thought was the one that I wanted, I was miserable. I was miserable because I was overworking

myself. I was like just a complete fitness freak, but in the complete wrong way. And also as part of that, I'd totally left this side of my body, like this body, unappreciated and unvalued. And that body was the body that carried those children, that nurtured those children, that loved those children. And I was so distant from it. So that realization for me is basically what woke me up. It woke me up big time and even when I had got to this kind of fitness level type of thing that I was thinking that I wanted to get to,

I got to it, stopped and my body just kind of completely changed again and went back to, you know, like, as if like pre-pregnancy. And it was just all, I was lost. That's what I was. I was completely lost. I was completely lost. And I had not only lost my feeling of like understanding my body and being in control of my body, but I'd also lost that sense of who I was. And

like, you know, the fact that like, I'm now a mum and that's, that's me, that's it for me, you know, and I'm a wife, that's it for me, but that wasn't it for me. And I knew that there was more that I wanted. So that's when I started dancing, basically, because I said to my husband, I was like, I'm not happy and he was like, I know and it's so funny Because sometimes your partner they know these things but it doesn't matter how many times they tell you you're never gonna listen He was just kind of like I need you to Myself it's like please don't he was like once you realize it yourself Then you'll do something about it and that's basically what it was for me

and then I took up dancing and for, that was just about reconnecting with myself and reconnecting with my body and having that relationship and understanding. And also accepting that there are some days where I'm not gonna completely be in love with myself, right? I'm not completely gonna be like, yay, you're the best body I've ever had kind of thing. There are some days where that's gonna happen,

but it's just understanding and accepting that, acknowledging it, similar to my breakdowns, acknowledging those and then figuring out what's the best way to move forward. And I think pregnancy was a huge thing for me, absolutely huge thing for me. And anytime I think back to like, where was it? What was that trigger for me that made me kind of lose

that connection with myself? And honestly, it was pregnancy and it wasn't because I was having kids. It was because I was completely not in control of what was happening to my body. Today's guest, who is Melissa Carter, better known as the Confident Mama on Instagram. She's a two-year-old son named River and she's an advocate for all things confidence, body neutrality and self-love. She wants to help every mum

feel empowered and confident in the way they look, dress, make decisions and speak up for themselves. Welcome to the podcast Melissa. Motherhood has been like great because there's a good kid to do it with, but there have been certain instances where I've been like, ah! And it normally revolves around trying to source childcare. Yeah. Because I have-

We're just all mindful, isn't it? Yeah, I have a great village. It's a huge, plentiful village, but it's also quite a busy village, and it's quite a spread out village. It's a huge, plentiful village, but it's also quite a busy village, and it's quite a spread out village. So my family, I live in Kent now, but my family from North London, Hertfordshire. So they're all dotted around there and they all have full-time jobs. Like my mum is young, she's like not even 50, so she's like still a full-time teacher. So they're not super helpful. And then here is, we've got my partner's

mum who can pick up the slack in places and stuff. But it's like, yeah, childcare is normally the thing that makes me just rip my hair. Yeah. Like you are mummy. So yeah, exactly. So I'm like, crap, I've really got to go and do this thing. And it just has to wait. Oh, like I just, I had to say no to a lot of stuff that are ordinary. I'd be like, I would love to do that. Literally can't. So that's a big one. And then obviously trying to deal with my own ill health, whatever it is, alongside being a parent to a child who is becoming increasingly demanding of my time and energy. Bless him. Yeah. I'm having to try and find a way through that. We're having to rely on things

that I don't really wanna rely on, like more TV. And if he asks for something, he's getting it a lot quicker than I would normally call for because I just have to pick my battles in a different way now. Yeah. Which is really cool, I think a lot of parents can relate to that. Like I have days where I'm just like, I'm putting on a Disney film,

like I can't, there's so much to do, so much to get done and my mental health isn't like the best today or whatever. So letting go of mum guilt, I think definitely helps for that. Absolutely. And I think I'm always going to have it. There's been some really truly bleak moments where like, I'll be just feeling so unwell that I'm actually crying. And he's cut to me and go, mommy, you've got tears. And I'm like, I know. And I don't want to hide it from him. But also I was super aware that he was finding it distressing. So I was

trying to explain to her said, Oh, I just don't, I don't feel very well. Some it's okay. Like sometimes, sometimes we cry because we're sad or we hurt ourselves. I just don't feel very well. So I'm feeling a bit sad. He's like, do you need a dummy? I was like, maybe, maybe I need a dummy. And just, yeah, just little things like that. So well, I'd be like, are you better? Can you play with me now? And I'd be like, oh my God. Cause I know the game he wants to play, he wants me to crawl around on the floor

racing monster trucks with him. And I'm like, yeah, that I can't do, but we can do a puzzle. So we're trying to have to like mix and match and find a common ground between us. But luckily what I have managed to get him into is Mario Kart. And he plays like literally, literally with the...

Like, not with a twisty switch. He plays with an old-school controller, and he legit beat me the other day. So I was genuinely trying. So the thing is, we found really common ground. He's an absolute ninja on Mario Kart, and I can do that sitting down, and it doesn't take any of my energy, and he loves it.

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