Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Parenting from the Heart with Steph Peltier

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

Life really is a rollercoaster, and we can often forget to pump up our own tyres. Happiness is more than a mindset, and so we have happiness activator Steph Peliter joining us to share her happiness tools and what little steps we can take each day to protect our energy and achieve happiness.Get in touch with your birth experiences, or ask a question at [e-mail] or on 07599927537.---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well hello i have a mouthful of cake i'm slightly running late to this podcast episode because my parents came down to stay um and my my sister and my brother-in-law and my beautiful little nephew jasper and my parents just wouldn't leave this morning does anyone else have that with their parents i was like okay i've got to go now've got to work. And then my dad thinks of other conversation starters. So anyway, I'm here. And I wasn't stressing about the time because a few years ago, I actually worked with a happiness coach who genuinely studied the science of happiness and I feel like it really changed my life and changed the way I allow situations to affect me and so I thought it would be really good because obviously motherhood happiness the identity struggles it all sort of goes hand in hand so I wanted to get her on the podcast this

week. I feel like a different person since I worked with her, which was actually in lockdown during my pregnancy with Alf. So she is, like I mentioned, a happiness coach, a hypnotherapist, an expert in the science of happiness. And she's known as a happiness activator and she is also a mum to two teenage girls it is Steph Peltier. Hi Ashley hi so nice to be here thank you for inviting me thank you so much for coming on because obviously you gave me so many like valuable lessons on like how to remain calm and, you know, essentially how to be a happier person. But I also feel like I went on a huge, you know, depression in that first year of motherhood. And I feel like now I'm coming

out the other side, but yeah, it's that sort of adolescence or matricence that you go through as a mom, doesn't it? I feel like you almost, you coach my baby years, or what I would say is my baby years. But I still always think about it, even when I've been stressed with this pregnancy, because obviously it's not been locked down. So I've been juggling work and juggling a toddler and everything else. I still come back to everything. So... Well, you come back to your tools. And the thing to remember is that life is a bloody

roller coaster. It's what it is. And happiness is a leaky tire, if you like. So you do all the techniques and you feel great and you feel in control of yourself and you feel at peace. But the tire is leaking. Every day it's leaking. That's what it is. So you need to pump it up a little bit. Every day it requires some work. And then life takes over and our circumstances change. And then you've got your baby arriving. And of course your focus is not on yourself anymore. You focus, you forget to pump up the tire

and then suddenly you start experiencing difficulties. But you've got that set of tools that you know you can come back to. Can we just go back to you a bit? How did you become a happiness activator? How did you study the science of happiness? And for those listening, what simple things can they do to be happier? Because that's what we all want in life, isn't it?

Happiness. I was a complete corporate girl, you know, very ambitious, very career focused. I had two kids in my 30s, one after the other one, like you, let's make it all happen. Two girls, you know, people from the outside would say, these girls got everything to be happy. And to be very honest, yeah, two healthy kids, quite nice husband, ex now, really nice house, no financial difficulties, a job that I really liked. And guess what? I was a miserable cow. I was a joy sucker. I was always extremely anxious, very stressed. I felt that I had to tick so many boxes, achieve so many things to soothe some,

I don't know, sort of low self-esteem that I'd always had. And really looking back, I was never really happy at all. And I realized that way too late, sadly. I realized it when one morning I woke up and there was no juice in the battery anymore. And I just thought, oh, I'm experiencing burnout.

That I'm going to be super honest with you. And you know, my personal story, Ashley, but I don't mind sharing it with everybody. My ex-husband, well, we divorced and I didn't expect it at all. He just walked out one day and it really, really hit me really hard. And I never thought I'd be a candidate for depression. I thought it was just burnout, but very quickly I realized, ooh, it's slightly more than that. It's not just burnout and anxiety. It's depression. There are plenty of differences between simple burnout and anxiety, but what really hit me is that I realized that I started feeling this pain needs to stop. Life is not worth living this way, but it's not worth living.

And then it freaked me out. And I thought, how can you think these thoughts when you've got the most amazing children with you, something is really wrong. How old were your children when all this was going on? They were nine and 11. Okay. Nine and 11. And I thought, okay, you got to get out of this as quick as possible before things get out of control. So of course I went on medication, which really helped me stay safe, if I may say. But I tried absolutely everything. I tried speaking therapy, you name it. I tried everything. But very quickly, I came to the conclusion that each time I had an appointment with someone to make me feel better, I felt a bit better.

But then I got back home and I started feeling really awful as soon as I was on my own again. I was doing a lot of mindset work, a lot of a lot of talking and long term, it wasn't really helping. So I thought for my own sake, I need to find a way. And then I found that course, The Science of Happiness. And I went to study it for, you know, for my own sake, I had no intention of changing career whatsoever. But it changed my life so profoundly. Because within three weeks of studying stuff and applying all these little super easy, not very time consuming techniques I was learning, the dark cloud suddenly lifted. Suddenly I started laughing out loud again,

acknowledging beautiful little things. I started hearing my kids laughing again. I think I couldn't hear it anymore. You know the pleasure you get when you hear your kids laughing? Suddenly I started noticing all these little things. I noticed my emotions were lifting. I started seeing the bigger picture, feeling slightly more confident, more optimistic, to the point where I thought, wow, this is not that complicated. I've got to make it my mission in life to help people live happier lives. And you know, you don't have to be depressed to seek some help. What I find really scary, Ashley, is that a lot of people live in what I call low level unhappiness. They're not completely

distressed, but really, if they look at their life, they're not that happy. There's a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, a lot of disconnection from themselves. So yeah, that's where it all comes from. What I remember is you shared some really interesting statistics about what makes us happy, because I feel like we're all taught if we just have a bit more money, if we just have a bigger house or have a bigger car or get the better job, get the next promotion, that's what will make us happy. And I can't quite remember what the statistics are, but I feel like this is really interesting to share because I feel like lots of us are kind of stuck in that sort of rat race, especially once we have children, because we're like, once they start nursery, then I'll be happy. Once they start school, then I'll be happy.

So can you remind me, if you remember off the top of your head, I imagine you do. you remind me if you if you remember off the top of your head I imagine you do oh yeah I do I probably share these a hundred times a day um 50% of your happiness is genetic you've inherited from sixth generation prior to you there's not that much you can do it's called your happiness set point my personal happiness set point is here it's very low naturally my happiness capacity is not very big my, one of my best friends and hers is here. The same thing happens to her. Naturally, I'm happy at that level. She's much happier than me. Now, the crazy bit is that only 10% of your happiness depends on the circumstances of your life. And that is being married, having a romantic partner,

your financial comfort, the size of your house, the size of your jeans, the number of your bank account. And believe it or not, also in that 10% is included your health and the fact that you might have children or not. And our mind is constantly tricking us to believe that these things are going to improve our happiness so much. So we end up in that rat race of, I'll be happy when I'm on holiday this summer. I'll be happy when my kid eventually starts nursery and I'll have more time.

But really, it's not that. And science is actually showing that there's 40% remaining left. And those 40% is what you intentionally decide to do on a daily basis that can completely skyrocket your happiness. Happiness is an inside job, really. It's simply about how you perceive the world and how you respond to it. It's more than a mindset, really. Often now, I tend to tell people it's a sort of state of being. It's a sweet spot where you find yourself at peace, in balance between your body, your mind, and your heart.

It's an internal state that you can learn to reach. It's so interesting because I feel like before I had Alf I definitely got or you know when I was pregnant with him I got to that place working with you that I felt that I was learning to be happier because I would say genetically I'm definitely low on the happiness level whereas Tommy my partner he like wakes up every morning like I envy his happiness. It just comes so easily to him. He doesn't get anxiety unless he drinks alcohol. It's so simple for him. Whereas I do feel like I have to work really, really hard for it. And I think I got so lost in that early motherhood stage

because it is hard to take time for yourself. And I feel like there's this sort of, I don't know if you would call it toxic positivity, but be grateful, be grateful, be happy for what you have. And some people don't have that. And so then I'd be almost putting pressure on myself, like, well, what's wrong with me? Why am I not happy?

I've got this beautiful little boy. Why am I not enjoying him? And then, so then when I had sort of suicidal thoughts and then I then I'd be putting more pressure on myself what can we do because I feel like motherhood especially is now that we don't have like the village most of us and we don't have you know I see all these self-care tips online where it's like drink loads of water take time for yourself, sleep at least eight hours a day. And then you're like, I can't sleep eight hours a day. I get woken up all the time. And I find it like this sort of like, yeah, toxicity that puts pressure on us to be happy without giving us the tools to know how we can

actually be happy. And sometimes I find like forcing myself to be grateful makes me feel worse. What you are saying, Ashley, and I hope a lot of people are going to really resonate with that because this is a massive aha moment. The biggest mistake people make when it comes to happiness is that they focus on their mindset. No amount of mindset work is going to help a dysregulated nervous system. And that nervous system is the source of anxiety, of overthinking, of negative thinking, and of low self-esteem and difficult emotions. So that quest for happiness can be extremely detrimental if you only focus on your mindset. So when you start with mindset work, it's a little bit like you take a bucket of water out of the anxiety river, and it brings a little bit of relief. Best case scenario, sometimes nothing really happens

considering the amount of water there is in the riverbed. it's pretty exhausting. It doesn't give fantastic results. When you start by not with the mindset, but by regulating your nervous system, and you do that with the heart, you don't do that with the brain. It's like you create another riverbed. So you get less toxic water into the riverbed of your life. So really, happiness is not something you chase. You shouldn't work hard at it. If you do anything and it doesn't feel right, follow your heart, try something else. That's why I've got a massive bucket with tons of tools. And with my clients, we try some, and there's not one recipe for everybody. Everybody's got to create their own recipe. But for sure, if there is a structure to follow, Ashley, is that number one, focus on your heart,

manage your heart, use techniques to regulate your nervous system. Because the moment you do that, you regulate your emotions, you feel calmer. But what's really important is that the blood flow changes in your brain. Your blood starts coming here, straight behind your forehead. And now you're ready to do a little bit of mindset work. It's going to feel pretty effortless and you're going to get great results. So manage the heart first and then manage the brain, right? Of course, do a bit of gratitude, practice mindfulness, get rid of your limiting beliefs. So I do hypnosis for limiting beliefs, but there's plenty of other things you can do. You can do it yourself by listening to meditations, for example, but always start with

your body, with your heart. So that's the point number one I wanted to make. And point number two, it's going to be very difficult not to smile here, but okay. I picked a card today. I pick cards every day. I really like it. And funnily enough, the one I picked said, you're not selfish for putting yourself first this morning. And that was a good reminder. But when you're a mom, what do you do? You look after everybody else. You don't look after yourself. And is okay if i share um an audio from a movie that i listened to yesterday of course it's funny how the universe it's funny how the universe puts things uh onto your path just at the right moment so hang on i was watching tv yesterday and i recorded i heard that i'm pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves oh really

no if airplane safety videos have taught me anything David, it's that a mother puts her own mask on first. I love that idea. And I understand to be a happy mom, you've got to put yourself first because you've got to fill up your own tank and then you can give more to others. But how does that work when you have a newborn? Because I feel like that for me fits into that sort of not toxic positivity, but it's like, make time for yourself, make time for your friends. And it's like, okay, but say I'm exclusively breastfeeding or I'm not sleeping. How can you make time for yourself when someone is dependent on you? Of course, it's impossibly difficult, right? Time is our most precious currency. And I mean, I made that mistake for so many years.

And I have to check in with myself regularly. What I try to follow with myself and with my clients, what I try to teach my kids is the one degree rule. Water freezes at zero degrees, right? freezes at zero degrees, right? You only need to change the temperature to one degree to see a significant change, right? To see the ice starting to melt. But what you need is consistency, right? You get a much better result with consistency with very small actions rather than a massive effort. consistency with very small actions rather than a massive effort. The reality is that there is no time. There is no time. So the one degree rule is what are the things I can do that are not very time consuming that I can do in slices of one minute that are going to contribute to me feeling better, to me having a healthier body. And there are plenty of things you can do.

So that could be instead of scrolling on my phone, I'm listening to a podcast, whether it's like a mindful, like a positive podcast, or whether it's a fiction book, instead of just like scrolling through Instagram. Absolutely. You could do four, seven, eight breathing. I'm a massive fan of four, seven, eight breathing

because practice with consistency. It's amazing to reduce anxiety. You breathe in for four, you hold your breath for seven, you exhale for eight. You do it four times in a row. That's it. How do I focus on my heart? All over the world, in whatever culture, we all have the same expressions. I love you from the bottom of my heart. There is no country that loves people from the bottom of their elbow. I love you from the bottom of my heart. We know instinctively that the heart is the seat of nourishing emotions. Follow your heart, put your heart into it. We also somehow instinctively have a sense that there is an intelligence of the heart. And I think, Ashley, you posted something this week.

I can't remember if it was about sleeping habits with Alfie. And you kept on saying, I followed my instinct. I followed my instinct. You know what to do somehow. There is an intelligence of the heart. And we've been believing for so many years that the brain is the master organ. It gives information to the rest of the body to do everything. The brain is the organ to keep you alive.

So it speaks from the voice of fear. Its job is to identify problems and ring alarm bells. While the heart has got a very different voice, and scientists have discovered that on your heart, there are 40,000 neurons. You've got a brain in here. And this brain is very powerful. And it can completely override the brain in the head. It's so strong. And it's the quality of the signal of that heart that can override the brain, the voice of the fear and makes you feel calmer, feel more optimistic, see things more clearly, right?

So one technique that is super easy is to connect with these neurons. We can actually plug in people to machinery and visually see those neurons start activating. Simply by placing your hand on your heart, you're already starting to activate those neurons. It's fascinating. And then let's take it a step further. Maybe when you breastfeed, Ashley, you put your hand on your heart, you look at your baby, and you imagine that your breath is flowing in and out of your heart, just through imagination. You can keep your eyes open by doing that. And you breathe a little bit slower and deeper. And allow yourself to breathe contentment for

the present moment especially when you're breastfeeding that is such um that's so magical right and just breathe that emotion in and out of your heart what's going to happen is that your heart rhythm is going to start changing and become much more gentle and rhythmic. And when your heart beats in this manner, it sends information to the brain to stop the panic, stop the stress, bring the blood back behind the forehead. You start becoming more optimistic. You're more in the present moment. You become more confident. It's pretty insane, pretty fascinating. And you know, this heart, living from the heart, it's also, it's just so powerful, especially when you have a very tiny baby. So the heart is an electrical

organ, right? And it's got a magnetic field around it. So is the brain, by the way. The magnetic field of the brain is about, I don't know, 40 centimeters around the head. The magnetic field of the heart goes five meters away from your body. And this magnetic field interferes with the magnetic field of other people. And in this field, there is data. And this data is the quality of your emotion.

So it can be stress, resentment, frustration, or it can be peace, love, gratitude, calm, right? And your baby's magnetic field is picking up the magnetic field of your heart. Have you noticed how when you're stressed, your kids become really, really nervous? And how when you're super calm, somehow they pick it up as well. I feel like when you're in a happy place, people sense it, even though you probably look similar, that people kind of pick up on that energy, don't they? They do. And even if you try to hide things, right? You don't want to kill the atmosphere. So you're trying to pick yourself up and, you know, be your happy, jolly, pretend self. They're going to pick

it up. That's something is odd, right? So this heart of ours is super powerful for ourselves, you know, to regulate our emotions, to come back to a place of calm, to a place of contentment. But it's extremely powerful because it has a ripple effect on the people around us. It's interesting what you said about the brain being, you know, we kind of rely on our brain to keep us safe or to do the right thing. But I think what you said is it's there to protect us. Therefore, it's always ringing alarm bells to try and keep us safe.

And I think it was you that told me about paper tigers. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. And I found that that really helped me to change my perspective, especially as a chronic overthinker. The job of the brain is to scan the world 24-7, even at night, when you sleep and you think it's inactive, it's not, to identify threats or dangers.

And when it finds one, it activates the stress response. So the example I often give people is a tiger. I give the example of a tiger because the brain you and I have, Ashley, is the same brain that cavemen and cavewomen had 15,000 years ago. Very, very little difference. But our lifestyles have changed so dramatically over such a short period of time, let's say 100 years, even in the past 20 years, to be honest, that our brain hasn't had time to adapt and evolve to our environment. So it responds in the same way. But if you imagine the caveman in the forest, the cavewoman in the forest looking

for some food, there's a noise behind the rock. Even before she's had the opportunity to acknowledge what it could be, maybe it's just a rock dropping or maybe it's a tiger, I don't know. The brain's picked it up and better be safe than sorry. If the brain doesn't know what it is, it's going to make it look worse than what it is so it's going to tell you there's a tiger you need to save your life i.e fight or flight and it activates the stress response now what is it that activates your stress response today in life worrying about kids juggle the inant juggle, the endless to-do list. I mean, it could be anything, the cost of energy. Giving birth at the end of the week. It could be absolutely anything. The reality is that none of these are tigers. Your life is not endangered by having too much to do,

by worrying about your kids, by the state of the economy, by not, you know, not finding your next job. These are what we call paper tigers. So when the brain kicks in the stress response, because of this, it's doing a job it's not designed for. And it's completely detrimental to our health when it does that too often. And when it does that too often, it gets sort of stuck in a rhythm that then creates a field of anxiety. So we got to be wary of our paper tigers and try to keep seeing the bigger picture if we can. How can you stop the juggle from being stressful? Because I mean, normally we are up against the clock where you know child care starts at one time which usually isn't enough time to get to work so then you're turning up

late for work and then you're trying to do your job and suddenly your child nursery or school calls and your child's sick so you have to leave work and then you're worrying about letting work down or you know you're rushing to get to the nursery and then you're late to the nursery. Like, I know that it, that doesn't mean that your life's in danger, but it's quite a constant battle. Like how can you stay calm and not let it affect your wellbeing? Okay. So this is really the, um, sort of the tricky bit because I'm sorry, I'm not gonna move my magic wand into your magic secret. That works without any effort. You've got to think that inside of you, there is a sort of inner battery

with a certain amount of energy that is going to allow you to respond to what your environment demands. Lots of demands from kids, unexpected demands from everywhere, you know, logistics at home, work, and so on. Basically, we're constantly juggling between energy expenditure, giving energy to all these things, and replenishing energy. And you need to replenish, right? So the only way to go through a super busy day and deal with the unexpected is to make sure that your battery is filled in every morning. So, okay, stay with me for one more second. And you do that on three levels.

You do that on the physical level. You need some physical energy. You do that on the emotional level, you need to emotionally feel good, right? And you need to do that on the mind level, being able to keep on seeing the bigger picture and not being dragged down by little things. So it's really about finding little things that you can do every day on those three levels. So I'm going to give you an example. Physical, you need to sleep.

It's not always super easy because you might have a baby who cries at night or simply because you wake up at 3 a.m. every day. You don't know why you can't go back to bed. That's because of anxiety, to be very honest. So sleep is a tricky one, and I'm not a sleeping expert. So I'm going to put it to the side. Even though science is showing that if you practice heart regulation techniques, your sleeping patterns will improve.

If you practice gratitude, your sleeping patterns will improve. But I want to put that to the side. I think what can be super helpful to look after your body, to feel more rested, even though you're tired, I want to put that to the side. I think what can be super helpful to look after your body, to feel more rested, even though you're tired, it may sound a bit contradictory, but it's true. And if you've done it, you know, it's true. And that increases your dopamine, super important is to exercise. Do you have time to exercise? It's really good for you, right? Okay. I don't have time to exercise. I don't have time. I normally do, but obviously at this point in pregnancy, I'm not exercising and I always feel so bad because Tommy gets up and goes for a run and

I'm trying to get in extra sleep. But I just trust that that's what my body needs at the moment. And sometimes it's okay to rest, right? But do one thing for your body every day, just the one. So it could be drink two liters of water. Actually, it's not two liters we need to drink a day. It used to be two liters 50 years ago when we were only eating whole food. Now we tend to eat quite a little bit of crap. Excuse my French. We need four liters of water a day. Just do that. You don't need to do anything else. What I do is that mostly every day I do the 100 squat challenge. So when I brush my teeth, I squat 50 squats in the morning, 50 in the evening.

I do nothing else when I brush my teeth. It's dead time to me anyway. But when I've done it, you know what? I feel good because I've done something. I've moved my body. And when the body moves, the mind grooves. Now do one thing for your mind to see the bigger picture, to stay optimistic. Gratitude practice is what I would always recommend people to do. But if you feel that

you don't want to do it because it's time consuming, you don't like writing in a journal and you feel like it's another burden, another task to do, do it while you take your shower. Because once more, even if the shower is a couple of minutes because you're in a rush, it's dead time, right? So try to piggyback stuff on things you already do. The hard focus breathing, focusing on your heart, breathing in and out of your heart and trying, breathing in contentment, that you can do it when you breastfeed, you can do it when you cook, you can do it when you watch Netflix,

you can do it eyes open when you drive your car. So now you've done something for your body, you've done something for your mind. And well, heart focused breathing is also for the heart and doing something for the heart is also about doing things that really make you feel good. But for these, carve a little bit of time in your diary. That's what it is.

Connect with other people. Phone a friend and have a heartfelt conversation. Send a text to a mate. That's what I did this week because I did a little TikTok video and I thought, oh, Steph, walk your talk. I texted a friend and I said, literally, it was in French, Anne, I love you because you're the craziest, most generous, funny person I've ever met. Nothing else.

When I sent it, I felt good. I really felt good. It's really nice. But oh my God, the response I got, my my emotions completely lifted that is not time consuming it's just little positive habits we've got to stop judging ourselves and beating ourselves up a one minute action is better than nothing pat on the back you did well today And if you do one minute again tomorrow, fabulous. And when you do little things like that, one minute slices and you enjoy them, guess what happens? Next week, you're going to do two minutes and you grow and you progress. It'd be interesting to know how social media has changed the game with happiness, because I presume it wasn't around when you studied the science of happiness.

So, you know, I love social media. Well, I shouldn't say that. I hope my kids aren't listening. I love it because there's a lot of hope. There's a lot of fabulous information that is given out there for free. There's a lot of people who care and want to share their wisdom.

And I think it's really cool. I think we find a lot of crap as well on there. You know, you have to do this, you have to do that, you have to do that. So what I was, the other day, I made a chart to make Juliet, she's 18 now, so we have a sort of adult relationship, to make her love, because I told her,

I wanted to demonstrate to her that if she doesn't take care of her own laundry, she's 18 now, she should be able to do that. I can't. So I wanted to show her my diary and I wanted to make it as a joke because with teenagers, I found out the hard way

that you don't control anything at all and you can't tell them to do things. You've got to influence them. So I made my sort of, did a diary of how I spend my time every day. Usually I tell her, mate, I work eight hours a day. I'm also your mom. I'm on my own.

Please help me. We need to be a team here. It doesn't work at all. She knows I work, right? So I made a list and I said, I've got to exercise half an hour a day because it's good for my health. I also take care of my appearance. So I put some cream and I do the face massage. because it's good for my health. I also take care of my appearance.

So I put some cream and I do the face massage. It's the big hype at the moment, the face massage. That takes me 20 minutes. Then I've got to meditate. It's 20 minutes. Then I've got to connect with other human beings, which is super important for your happiness. That takes me an hour. And I was putting all these things next to each other.

I've got to read a book because you've got to read every day to learn something new, half an hour. And then I work and there was like 20 minutes left for work. All these things you have to do. It's insane. It's completely overwhelming. And it's not necessary. Pick three things, very tiny, do them consistently for a week. And it might only take you three minutes. You're going to feel feel great and that is enough i definitely get sucked into the the social media like today i saw someone's um food cupboards and obviously they're like these spotless amazing it looks like a sort of like a show home inside their cupboards and i was like i need to sort out my cupboards and then i was like why i'm literally

about to give birth my cupboards are absolutely fine they store food in them why am I about to spend 50 pounds on Amazon on like food storage stuff do I need to do is this going to make me happier or is this going to make me more stressed so I was like why am I looking at my food cupboards we've got to simplify our lives I mean perfection doesn't exist at the same time what we see on social media is complete perfection have the perfect body have the perfect mind have the perfect family be the perfect parent this is bullshit excuse my friend my french we all do the best we can with what we have so i'm french i'm obsessed with food right everything absolutely everything organic in my

house, I mean, probably for the past 20 years, everything home cooked. My kids for four years didn't eat a cookie that wasn't baked in my oven because it was perfect for their health. Actually true. But guess what? I wasn't working when I was doing that. And eventually I thought, mate, find some shortcuts here. It's okay if your kids eat fish fingers twice a week. It's not the end of the world. Just make sure they get the nutrients elsewhere. And now I still eat organic and I try my hardest to give them everything that they need. But there are some days that are days off and it's okay. I suppose that's the thing. We compare ourselves to everyone else's strengths because let's say you're cooking every single meal home cooked and I might be organizing all my cupboards,

but I might not even have children. So I've got time to organize my cupboards and you might not have a job. So you have time to do all the home cooking, but we see each and every person. So then we're like, okay, I need to make sure I do my makeup and hair every day. Okay, I need to make sure I spend that one-on-one time with my children every day.

Okay, but I need to also do the home cooking. And then I need to have the perfect pantry. And I need to have the perfect house. And we're building all this stuff on top of ourselves. No, and you never see the behind the scenes. Look, it looks quite tidy behind me. Do you want to go in my kitchen right now? It's chaos. I had two kids who had breakfast there before they left for school this morning. And then I went straight to work. Well,

I'll have to tidy later on. It's not the end of the world. Touching on what you mentioned earlier about limiting beliefs, I have so many limiting beliefs about being a mom. And I think that's what triggers my anxiety and overthinking because especially now that I'm about to become a mom again, I think I don't want people just to see me as a mom. And I wonder, I'd be interested if anyone listening has this same thought process because maybe you don't have the same limiting beliefs. But I feel like society views moms in such a negative way or it writes mums off because especially as women, I feel like we have kind of been taught you either have your career or you're a mum and

dads don't have that. Nobody says to Tommy, so are you still going to work? There's never any kind of consideration on him, but I feel constantly like I have to prove that I'm more than a mum. Weirdly, in my last couple of weeks of pregnancy, I've just stopped. I've been like, just put myself in my own bubble. And I think, okay, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. If I'm just a mom, I'm just a mom. Like, that's fine for now. Of course it is. And you've got to think of yourself as a diamond you are a diamond a very precious stone with many facets and one of them is being a mom and that's wonderful and sometimes it's the mom that's shining if the light comes from this way but if the light comes from another way it's the

business woman right and it's totally it's totally fine and sometimes one takes takes takes over the other facets and it's fine. As long as you find your balance, it's really what matters. So I was a workaholic until my eldest was six years old. My kids were raised by nannies. I highly regret that time. I would see my kids on Saturday and Sundays. I would never see them during the week for six years.

Can you imagine that? Then I became see them during the week for six years. Can you imagine that? Then I became a full-time mom for nine years, 100% of my time with my kids. And then I went back to work in a more balanced manner, which is totally feasible. It's a lot of juggling, that's right, but it's feasible. And when I became a full-time mom, I had a really hard time with my eldest.

Before, when I was working, she was, I thought, quite easy to raise my eldest. Before when I was working, she was, I thought, quite easy to raise, even though I wasn't there very often. And then suddenly she became quite difficult and I was losing my temper a lot. I'm not proud of it at all. I was yelling. And so I went on a parenting course and there's one thing that I learned that completely changed my approach to parenting and they said your kids they need your undivided attention a hundred percent quality time 15 minutes a day as long as they get that they'll be fine of, you can give more fabulous, right? But 15 minutes is their need to develop healthily, feeling loved. And I was like, what? 15 minutes is enough?

That is insane. And looking back, when I was like working in a more balanced way, yeah, I was probably spending maybe half an hour well no realistically 20 minutes undivided attention kids separately that's 40 minutes a day right but when i was a full-time mom i was spending zero quality time with my kids i was with them all day long but all day long i was sort of juggling and multitasking and things so take away some guilt 15 minutes is enough apparently according to science i love that because yeah it's true so i have alf obviously before he goes to his child care and then in the evening and then even when when i'm trying to make food for him i'm trying to make food for us or you know or like tommy or i'll be trying to finish off for him. I'm trying to make food for us or, you know,

or like Tommy or I will be trying to finish off bits of work that we've not finished. And so, yeah, I always try to, the last like half an hour before bed, I actually normally put my phone away, like so far away from me so that I don't get tempted. Because sometimes it's subconscious, isn't it? You're like spending time with them and suddenly you're like, shit, how long have I been on my phone?

Like, oh my God, you feel awful. So I just put it away and then it's like reading that book. But yeah, I do still get that guilt. So I'm definitely going to keep that in my mind, 15 minutes a day. What I find is that the emotion that comes up the most often with mom is guilt. Bloody guilt. It's the only emotion that is completely pointless. We need to get rid of that. We need to tell ourselves better things about being a mom. How about, how would you feel if your mind told you every day, you're a great mom, you do your best and your best is enough. You love your kids. Your kids only need your love. You know, in France, we said, three minutes of love equals a steak in terms of, you know, nutritional resources. It sounds really nice in French, but

because that's what they need. How about your mind told you, you're amazing exactly like you do. Your kids love you unconditionally and you love them unconditionally. It's all that matters. Your kids love you unconditionally and you love them unconditionally. It's all that matters. You're a great role model for your children. Wouldn't that be amazing? Would that be a case of looking for positive affirmations? Okay, so it would be the case of two things.

Ideally, it's a case of hypnosis. Hypnosis is really fascinating. So it's one of my new tools. I've only been practicing for two years. I wasn't practicing therapy under hypnosis when I first met you, Ashley. It's to change your beliefs, you need to identify which beliefs you need to change. And these beliefs are not the exact thought you're telling yourself. They might be slightly different and they have a root. We need to find the root.

We remove the root and then we plant new empowering belief, which are yours. So I never use like a standard recording with clients. I never say the same thing twice to anybody because we all need, our heart needs to hear different things. And these things, you know them. You remove the belief and you plant a new one. It works in hypnosis because you create new cabling in the brain, which are your beliefs. You can actually see them physically in the brain. They're wires between neurons. You create them when your brain is in low alpha theta frequency, very low, that state of hypnosis, that trance with repetition. that state of hypnosis, that trance with repetition. Affirmations, they relate to what you mentioned earlier on, Ashley. You've got to do all this positive work and then you do it and you get frustrated because it doesn't work. Doing affirmations when your nervous system and your

heart is not in the right place, it's going to make you feel even worse than what you feel. So your heart is not in the right place, it's going to make you feel even worse than what you feel. So you got to work on your heart first on regulating your nervous system. Or one shortcut, as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, as long as your alarm clock is not some atomic bomb, you know, noise that immediately stresses you out. The moment you open your eyes, tell yourself your affirmation. Because right now, as you're opening your eyes, you're moving out of theta into low alpha and the brain sucks everything. And with repetition, then you're going to start changing your belief. Of course, if you do that thing in the morning, it takes months,

but it still does work. I still do that in the morning. Apart from usually I do wake up to the sound of Alfie opening his door and running through into our room but it's it's calmer than a baby cry but I do I always remember like to do that first what does they say the first thought in the morning can like change your whole day. I'm glad you do it. So you mentioned a lot about kind of trusting your heart going going with your heart, trusting your instincts. So how can you parent from the heart and stop your brain or other outside sources dictating what to

do? The brain is always trying to make sense. Always. And always from the voice of fear. So it's going to look at the worst case scenario. Before you know it, if you start getting a little bit stressed and then you can't see things clearly, shall I do this? Shall I do that? Oh my God, I don't know what to do. And then you start reading articles and books. You go on social media, you ask your friends, everybody's got a different point of view and you don't know what to do. And you said it, you know, in that post last week, I followed my heart. How did you do that? You got in touch with your heart. And sometimes I just stop if I'm completely confused. And I don't know what to do with something that the girls have shared with me, or maybe I notice a behavior that I don't really like, that I don't want them to foster,

because ultimately, I want them to be happy. But I also want them to be good and kind human beings. And my brain tells me, go and tell them to do this. But you can't control people. You can only influence them. So I'll stop. I'll place my hand on my heart. I'll breathe in and out of my heart. And I'm going to ask the question of your heart. What's the answer?

What shall I do? And you're going to hear a very different voice. You're not going to hear the voice of fear. You're going to hear the voice of compassion and of love. So, you know, one example is if your baby's crying, crying and crying and crying, you can't rest, you're knackered. What's going through your mind? Notice what the brain is saying. The brain is saying, I'm knackered. I can't deal with that.

What's wrong? Can I help? I'm not good enough, mom. I can't deal with this. What should I do? I don't know what to do. It's not very helpful. Pause, breathe.

It doesn't have to be time consuming. 30 seconds is enough. By placing your hand on your heart, you activate those neurons. By breathing in and out, simply imagining your breath flowing in and out, you double activate everything. And just ask, what can I do right now that is going to ease everything? And what answer are you going to hear? I don't know. That would be your answer. But I've done that many times with clients. And what you hear is the only thing you can do is love. The only thing you can do is to bring peace,

to bring compassion, to be a caring mom. The only thing you can do is to cuddle. And it's fine like that. And it is. The voice always speaks kindly. So I try to influence, So, I try to influence, especially with my teenage girls, I try to influence them by living my life through the heart as much as I can. And when I don't and they see it, I make a point of showing to them that, guess what? I lost my shit this morning. Do you remember when all the laundry was on the floor and I yelled just before you left for school? That was the voice of fear from my head. Not so good. Let's speak from the heart. What can we do to live in a more loving environment? And it's funny how they come up with great solutions, actually. I did want to ask you one thing because I saw a statistic online just the other day.

I can't even remember where or what the source was, but it was saying that there is basically a crisis with girls and especially teenage girls that one in three suffer mental health problems. So obviously as a parent, that's like quite frightening. that's like quite frightening. And so as a happiness coach, what can we do as parents, if anything, to kind of conquer or help this sort of mental health crisis within our, both our children, boys and girls, but particularly, I think the stats were that girls are doing a lot worse than boys. Yeah. So yeah, the figures are insane. So yeah, the figures are insane. And to be very honest, my daughter had some severe mental health issues during lockdown.

And well, I was quite embarrassed at first because I thought, God, with my job, what have I done? You know, clearly I've done something wrong. I'm not going to go into details of what it is because it's not my place to share. She's very comfortable sharing her life with whomever she likes, but she's given me boundaries. So good for her. I'm going to respect her boundaries. But she was going through a very, very tough time.

And at the same time, there's a lot of hormonal changes happening. I mean, their emotions are all over the place. They don't know why. And they go through that phase of rejecting parents, which is completely normal for a teenager at one point to disconnect from their parents. It's a survival mechanism. You know, it prepares them to unclip their wings and go and, you know nothing. Don't touch me. Fuck off out of my life. But actually, if you could pick me up from the bus station at 1130 tonight, that'd be great. That was the summary of my life. And I so wanted to hop out. I didn't know what to do. You know what I wanted to do?

I was meditating every morning. And the only thing I was asking is, please give me your pain. I can deal with it. I'm going to be very emotional. I don't want her to feel like that anymore. And of course, you know, life doesn't work like that. And eventually I came to the conclusion really quickly that the only thing I could do is be strong myself, is to look after myself so that she knew she had a rock next to her while she was doing her own work. And I mean, I'm super happy to say that

all of this is in the past and actually it's taught her a lot. She's become a much stronger, greater person. I think what we can do is that we can maintain communication. It's not always super easy, but the best thing we can do is that we can lead by example

you know keep keep our cool under pressure make sure that we don't sweat the small things because they see us right when they see us sweat the small things they replicate when they're inspired by how we deal with stuff they want to replicate too really be the best version of yourself without any pressure live in the present moment don't sweat the small stuff do whatever you need to do to regain your composure to stay calm what matters is love really yeah and nothing else with that we can conquer absolutely everything i feel like as humans we always feel like we have to hide those emotions. But no, it's thank you for sharing. So in summary, for anyone that isn't feeling happy right now, what simple tools can we take away from today's podcast

so that we can just start feeling happier in our own way with our own life and our own circumstances. I'm going to give you three shortcuts that are going to take less than three minutes a day. Do them for 10 days and I guarantee you're going to feel better. Change your physiology every day. Super important.

So I do the 100 squats challenge because I really enjoy it because I want to have a nice bum. But put some music out in the kitchen with your kids. They love it. Crazy music while you cook and dance. You're moving your body. You're changing the chemicals inside your physiology. That's body. Mind, practice gratitude. Do it in the shower. It's not very time consuming. You don't need to write anything. Just acknowledge. And out of this gratitude, three things, pick something about your children. Because the brain has got a huge negativity bias. And you know, when we go to bed, what we remember is the temper tantrum at the supermarket. What we remember is, you know, the mess at the dinner table. Some irrelevant things, right? We don't remember the laughter of my two kids when they were watching this silly program on TV

and that filled me with joy. We don't even notice these things. So gratitude in the shower. And number three, I would say, connect with another human being on a daily basis, because it's very easy to become just a mother. But your body needs and your soul needs contact with other humans that are not your children so that you can show all these facets of the beautiful diamond personality that you have.

Just one of these every day. I'm going to definitely take away from today, especially as I'm about to enter what I call the trenches of that newborn life again, that I'm a diamond and sometimes the light will be shining on one part of me, but it doesn't mean that the other sides aren't there. I love that so much. Thank you so much, Steph, for coming. Thank you to you guys as well for listening to Mums the World, the parenting podcast. I'm going to put all of Steph's details below. So if you want to get in touch with her or you want to book her for anything, then you can

find her. And as always, if you enjoyed the episode episode then feel free to share it with friends anyone you think might find it interesting obviously if you hit subscribe and follow then you never miss an episode and I'm not going to do a listener message today just because of time but if you do want to get in touch obviously I normally make sure to read out or play voice messages. So please, please keep getting in touch. On WhatsApp, the number is 075-999-27537. It's totally free. You can send a message or leave a voice message. I always love being able to play out voice messages and it's free. You can email me at askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com

or of course leave a review on Apple Podcasts. And I will be back with another episode same time same place next week.