Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Reflecting on the First Year of Parenthood with Tommy!

Episode Date: January 22, 2022

Today Tommy joins us for a very special episode to mark the first year of parenthood and Alf turning one. Ashley and Tommy answer your questions about their first year, and chat about the changes their lives have been through and the highs and lows of their journey transitioning into being a mum and dad. If you want to ask Ashley a question, get in touch at [e-mail]---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. I don't know how I've managed to pull off this week's podcast guest, but I have, and I'm very excited because I'm here joined in the actual flesh with Tommy. Good morning. Tommy's actually quite nervous because we have quite different approaches. We have quite different approaches to work and to life in general. So if it had been up to Tommy, I would have sent him all the questions in advance and he would have meticulously prepared each one. But I'm lastminute.com so even 10 minutes before coming on

he was like so what are you gonna ask me I was like I genuinely don't know yet I'm coming in cold Alf is now a year old he is first of all it's an honor to be on the podcast do you know what it's called that's the word, I'm very excited. I've basically emotionally blackmailed him on. I actually did an Instagram poll with you guys before even asking him. I was like, what questions should we ask him? And then it was just a series of emotional blackmail of, I carried your child for nine months.

I pushed out your child. But I'm actually really excited because a lot of the questions are really good and stuff that maybe we haven't talked about and also I think especially in like the mum world we talk so much about our own feelings that maybe we forget about the dads and their feelings and so it'd be interesting to get a different perspective are you ready I'm ready so they're all nice questions I'm not out to I'm not out to get you but who knows depending on the answers we might have a public breakup why don't we start nicely so like it's been a year since we've been on this parenthood journey so how would you reflect

on your first year of fatherhood? Good question. It's been a roller coaster, hasn't it, of emotions and being a father in lockdown, moving house, moving to another county, being in a new relationship. You know, there's a lot been going on this year but having Alf has just made everything a lot better and happier for me with so much craziness going on in the world there's there's so many challenges and you know there's a lot of changes that are happening constantly every day but I'm loving it. That is the crazy thing that you said that we are actually in a new relationship. Yeah.

So how has that been? Because like you said, we've like, you've basically adjusted to dating someone new, moving in together. Kind of like, so just for context, Tommy and I actually didn't really plan to move in together. We, when Boris made that first lockdown announcement you were at my flat weren't you and then we were like oh my god what are we going to do because we didn't know how long the lockdown was going to be so we didn't know whether to like

part of us was like oh my god we might be locked down for a long time should we should we do it separately and then the other part was like oh my god we might be locked down for a long time and then we might not see each other for ages. So, yeah. Yeah, it hasn't been a normal, what is a normal relationship? But, yeah, there's been a lot fast-forwarded. But I felt like, you know, being in that situation, locked down, felt the complete right thing.

It's been an amazing journey. You know, we don't really talk about it like day in day out do we but when now I'm on your podcast so yeah no it it it's been incredible and there's so many things I'm proud of this year and you know since we've had Alfie and what you've you know what you've what you've done this year and how incredible this podcast is as well and seeing you grow so it's um nothing but nothing but love how do you think like basically because we talk a lot about mum guilt so the guilt of like either if you've got to go back to work not being there for the baby or if you don't go back to work feeling guilty about your relationship like there's just talk of mum guilt all the time but we never really hear talk of dad guilt do you ever feel do you ever feel guilty do you ever feel

guilty for leaving me with your son while you go to work I've been lucky I've worked from home in the majority of the last two years um I've been in the office you know here and there when things have sort of but not even just in the context of work but do you ever feel do you ever experience a form of dad guilt yeah during the euros oh my god this is how different Tom's trying to rack his brains like when have I felt guilty oh yeah I felt guilty when every moment, every time there was a football game on during the Euros, which by the way is quite a lot,

that he wanted to go watch it. I've always wanted to do a World Cup or Euros and I was lucky enough to do a few of the games and obviously leaving you all day during those times, I did feel very guilty. But, you know, I feel like it's about compromise and it's about support. And I try and make up for those things by doing breakfast and helping out with lunch and dinner and tidying and cleaning and doing things, you know, around the house that I can control. I can't control, you know, when Alf needs you

and he needs feeding and he needs his mum, but I can do the things that make your life easier. To be fair, you have actually been pretty considerate as well. Apart from the Euros, that was actually the first time, I think. How old would Alf have been with the Euros in May? Yeah, he would have been a few months old. So five months old. That was the first time I experienced major FOMO because i felt before then we'd been in lockdown not much was

happening i was pretty content in my bubble and then suddenly we were kind of like allowed out and even people that didn't like football like most of my friends were at beer gardens celebrating the euros and i was like cool i'll see you later then i don't even know why. I think if it happened now, I'd probably just go to the pub with my friends. Well, yeah, no. Well, now it was, yeah, Alf was still young. I guess he was so young. Now we just take him everywhere because you just learn and develop. Each month goes past, you get more fearless.

Babies are more durable than you think. Do you feel like you've had to compromise your what you thought you would want from parenting to kind of suit me no do you know what like you have to compromise like you can't you can't be selfish anymore as a dad but you when you when you become a dad it's not about you anymore it's about bubba it's about you probably the dog then me so I'm fourth in the pecking order now and I know my place but I don't feel like I've had to compromise my life like you have to adapt and change you know we we try and you know if you give me like half an hour a day to go go for a run or go in go to the gym or whatever it is, that makes me a better dad

and a better person and makes me happy, whether it's going to play PlayStation or going for a walk or, you know. You don't play PlayStation. No, but other dads. So, you know, it's about compromise. And similar with you, like if I know that I can help you by taking an hour for a walk for an hour or so or running you a bath or, you know, taking out off your hands for whatever, for however long, that makes you more relaxed, makes you more at ease. And I always say, I'm always thinking about how I can help.

Would you have wanted us to be in more of a routine? No, not necessarily. It's so hard to have routines in lockdown now isn't there like it's every single week change every month changes you get a routine and then things change so um I would love more of a routine without sleeping I think we both would like that we're working on the sleep that's one thing that's like, obviously difficult. The first six months compared to the last six months, we found more of a routine with him.

I like when we feed him, now he's weaning, bath time. We don't have a strict routine, but. I mean, we literally have zero routine. He eats and he has a bath, but it's not like, say for example, like my sister, they know that at 5 zero routine he eats and he has a bath but it's not like say for example like my sister they know that at 5 30 he eats at 6 he goes in the bath I think it's about half an hour later like we don't have that yeah mate well maybe we've started to get better he has a bath around seven ish and last night yeah I mean yeah we have no routine so to be fair that is like quite a lot of like quite a lot of the questions are around like sleep and stuff because obviously we co-sleep with Al

he's a boob man how has co-sleeping affected you like would you would you have chosen it because I don't remember us like really having a conversation about it but equally I don't remember you ever being like no I really don't want him in the bed. It just kind of happened, didn't it? Did it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, ultimately I've always taken the opinion that it's your decision around,

because Alf's always been such a boo man. He's so dependent on you, especially in the nights, that it's difficult for for him not to go sleep and that's where he feels most you know safe and warm and I think basically what Tommy's saying is if he'd have had a choice he definitely would have done cry out no I would have I would have controlled my toes into it I would have I would have yeah maybe maybe explored it but I equally I completely respect why we haven't done it. And he is such a happy little dude.

That is my only thing, I think, that I've been really firm on. For me, I don't want to do quiet out. And it's funny because actually loads of parents, people that I know really well, people that I don't know, I feel like that's always the thing of like, if you want them to sleep, let them quiet out. and I find it really hard to know how to respond to it because obviously you don't want to offend people but like for me personally it's something that I have never been willing to compromise on I keep saying to Tommy I would rather never sleep again

I'm like if you want to go sleep in the spare room you can sleep in the spare room yeah but that's that's the beauty of being a parent is you make those decisions yourself and there's no there's no playbook there's no right or wrong answer you know everyone has their opinions on how they should do things um and and yeah like you know alf doesn't sleep as well as he could do but there's so many other benefits of that that we see during the day and the way he acts and his emotions and he's a sensitive little dude, but he's such a happy little guy. He's so happy. He doesn't cry. So, yeah.

I was going to say also with co-sleeping, I don't think that I ever made a decision to co-sleep. I love, do you remember how excited I was about my snoo yeah you know the the bed bassinet is it a bassinet or bassinet I never know but the bed bassinet that it like rocks and it's meant to mimic the sound of the womb and I was so excited about it and I spent a fortune buying like all the different sheets and swaddles but because my birth was like so horrific and I had like stitches and everything else I found it quite hard to I think our bed which I'm lying on now um it's quite low compared to like a

standard bed so I mean it's a great bed because it's got a velvet like cushion thing on it so for breastfeeding and stuff it's been great because it's soft instead of a hard frame if you're pregnant and you're looking for a bed I'd recommend uh recommend it soft frame bed instead of no because if you're on like a headrest but it is slightly lower than your average bed I've now figured out so when it came to putting him in snoo it just felt really like he was a heavy baby as well he was 9.5 pounds at birth and it was a lot to try and like maneuver him in and out of somewhere whereas I just I don't know I felt like my instinct was like telling me just to keep him on me and it did make breastfeeding easier and

it felt quite magical and then it kind of just became a bit of habit but I remember saying when we move house when we move house he'll be in his room when we do this he'll be in his room he'll do he's gonna be 18 still sleeping in our bed inviting his girlfriend around and I'll be like hopping don't mind us how do you feel knowing that you get to sleep and I don't that was I didn't actually make that question that somebody asked I know I get more sleep than you I know that

but it is broken even though I can't physically feed him he doesn't take a bottle he's just the boob man my job is when he wakes up is to push him towards the boob manoeuvre him into the boob and sort of roll back over to the other side.

And I'm pretty good at doing that three or four times in the night. But I'm happy. I don't need much sleep. Why are you laughing? I'm laughing because I know the pain of the person that asked this because basically most mornings,

Tom will be like, oh, I was up loads last night. God, I barely slept. And Alf was up loads last night. God, barely slept. And I'm up in the night. Like, I am up. And I don't get to sleep with a duvet, obviously, with safety, with co-sleeping. And so we put Alf on top of the duvet. So I'm normally there shivering away with a boob out, feeding Alf, picking him up, moving him around.

And this guy next to me sound asleep under the duvet and then he'll be like no I always help when he wakes up so I feel like the person that asked this is probably like it's a it's it for a dad if we're a baby co-sleeping and as dads you you probably do get more sleep well you definitely get more you do get more sleep. Well, you definitely get more. You do get more sleep. It's a minefield in the morning asking, especially when my mum stays over and she says, how did he sleep last night? And you've got to be quite conservative.

You've sort of got to say not great, but not bad. Tom just guesses. He goes, yeah, really well last night. And I'm like, he was up all night. And he's like, shit. There's no right answer there. But no, you have been amazing. It's crazy how little sleep you need and how your body adapts.

Although, you know, there are times when you're like, shit, what do I do for a living? There's times when I've been presenting at work and I just can't find my words. I'm not the most articulate at the best of times, but on little sleep, it can be difficult. I also look back at pictures of us from my pregnancy and I'm like, oh, we look so well rested. We look like both really fresh. Yeah, our eyes are open. Interestingly, breastfeeding, I feel like it's kind of interlinked with sleep, isn't it?

Because I suppose that is one of the main reasons that we co-slept and it's worked for us. But do you feel as a dad, obviously, like you're not able to breastfeed biologically? Like, do you feel like you've missed out at all on any of the parenting what from like a bonding perspective um the first the first few months is is is probably the most challenging from like a bonding perception with your with your baby i've i found he starts to really doesn't really start to realize who you are until you know after the first few months I would say so that that was fairly challenging that bonding piece like I've always like I now he now I feel like our relationship is so much stronger than

it was at the start like he knows who I am he recognizes recognizes my face. He's starting to say D, daddy. Yeah, he goes D, D. And I feel like a lot stronger bond with him. Yeah, but whereas at the start it was trickier. But I've never felt resentment or, you know, any of those sort of feelings from you breastfeeding. I'm very proud of how you champion breastfeeding. And I know it's difficult for a lot of women to continue it for whatever reasons but you've always been so strong and yeah I have no no resentment

for you in that sense how do you feel like it's impacted how you've been able to help because I think and by the way that's not me asking that lots of people ask that because I think there's like this rightly or wrongly sort of um perception that so a lot of people say I didn't want to breastfeed because I wanted both parents to be equally bonded um or they say I wanted I wanted parenthood to be equal so did you feel how did you feel that you could contribute to parenthood without the feeding side of it? It's hard to contribute from a nutritious side of things. Now, obviously, like, I make his breakfast

and I'll give him lunch and I can give him dinner. Also, you've always cooked for me. Yeah, I guess from that side, like, outside of, I guess it's just about, like, what can I do or what can new dads do to support you so you don't have to worry about keeping the house tidy so you know I would do all the cleaning and the washing up and the dishwasher and um washing clothes basically I was like I do sometimes I do sometimes Tommy's making it sound

like he's literally Cinderella like I am uh no yeah, but I still cook every night and you are very messy. So I'll clean up every after you. I'm not messy. No, but you're like in a nice way. I'm clean messy. So like I'm surface messy. You'll put something down and leave it there for five days and just forget about it. I will watch you do it.

And I'll say, in my head, I'm like, that's going to stay there for a week. And I'll test you and you won't eat and you won't touch it but what tommy does is he will get that thing and throw it in a cupboard whereas my cupboards are like immaculately i would rather the messy thing be out on the surface you're clean behind closed eyes your cupboards are beautiful but everything else is is messy which is just mad anyway i would say like i focus on the house and and the cooking and cleaning also you you've really enjoyed i'd say less so much now but definitely the beginning you loved like picking out his outfits and putting him in like your mini me outfits and you've always changed

nappies yeah yeah yeah i mean i've never been afraid of i mean the first nappy you do is the scariest i know i'm the oldest child, a couple of my mates, close mates have had babies, but then they sort of moved away. So I haven't been around babies a lot. I've always wanted a baby. I think I've never been scared of having kids. It's always been part of something I wanted to do, have a family. But the practical side of having a baby, it's just hard to prepare for. you've got you know nieces nephews or young brothers and sisters it's difficult to know how to change and happy to know you know what temperature the bath needs to be what you know what how much lotion do I need to put on him how warm does it need to be

but you just learn you just deal with it and just get on with it don't you that's so funny i just remembered that when alf was like first when he first came into the world we had this little egg i think it might be the tommy tippy one but anyway it was like an egg that had the temperature on and if it was perfect temperature it'd be like orange or yellow and if it was red it meant the room was too hot and if it was blue the room was too cold and you were like obsessive about that little egg weren't you you'd constantly be like open the windows putting the heating on closing the window like worrying it's too hot it's too cold I think it might be too hot the egg's red so now now I'm like you just you just learn adapt and you just get on with it I've

and you you're less uptight I would say it's funny because you actually I mean I guess it's like similar to like our approach to work and stuff I'm very like lastminute.com and I'm like it'll be fine whereas you like to be like really really prepared and I think that was our approach like during pregnancy I don't think I read a single book and I was just like meh we'll figure it out whereas you I think read two books and you're like doing all your research. I don't know, it's weird. Like for work and for a lot of things in life, I like to do my research and be prepared.

I like to know the content that I'm presenting or I'm talking about. But yeah, with having the little man, like I did do research, but not as much as I could have done in hindsight you know we did you know a lot of people do the NTA classes NCT what is NTA the NTAs are the national TV awards oh god that's an award you dragged me to yeah um exactly that sometimes I actually regret not doing the NCT classes because I feel like a lot

of people me too met like people going through it at the same time do you I find it my best mate Shane he every he goes to these NCT classes and every time I see him on there he's got a beer in his hand and I just think where are you where are these NCT classes? Why are they at the pub? But no, I think you're right, especially moving to a new area. I guess, to be fair, if we'd have done the NCT classes, it would have been in Battersea. So actually, we would have still not had anyone. We did do a form of NCT, but we blitzed it out in a weekend. Yeah, and it was like a private one-on-one class.

Which was really helpful. And obviously the nct classes are really useful and they help you feel more prepared um because the scariest thing is taking him from the hospital back home and it's just like why shit what do we do now we've got this little precious thing that's actually a really interesting thing because like you obviously we talk about birth stories a lot whether they're like positive ones or whether we're honest about it and you know in my case and some of my previous podcast guest hosts like the more tricky challenging ones so what was the birth experience like for you how was childbirth for you darling childbirth you the build-up to childbirth you're you're on you're on edge you're you're constantly thinking like this could be the time this could

is this going to be the time is this going to be the time um and like unless you speak to someone who's gone through it i would definitely recommend speaking someone's gone through it as a dad to get to have an and read the books to have an understanding of what to look out for well i remember we actually thought it was coming on christmas eve didn't we we like panicked made sure we had all the bags packed and then they just stayed by the door until the 9th of jan but yeah but we i think we got there all right and you know i was allowed i wasn't allowed in the start and then and then and then I was allowed in um pretty early on which was which was which was obviously amazing the whole experience as a dad is just like right what can I do to support Ash and make her more comfortable it's not about me at all I I I made it my mission

to stay awake the whole time. Oh, cheers, love. No, but it was like 18 hours. And the nurse said, look, you can go away now or you can go sleep. I was absolutely fuming, by the way, with the midwives because I was obviously like in a world of pain. It wasn't the contractions so much that I found bad, but because I had the pelvic girdle pain, it was like this constant pain and I thought I was dying. And they kept going to Tommy, oh, if you want to go and have a a nap this should be a good time to have a nap and I remember thinking I'm

fuck off why does he get to go have not even like why does he get to have a nap as in like of course if he was tired but I was like please don't leave me yeah don't leave me like this and then yeah and then it's just it's just like trying to appease you make sure you're happy and you asked for uh what's the word a c-section i was like i need to cut it out cut it out i was like i don't know i think that ship sailed love um and the nurse is like yeah that's that's that can't happen right now but like the whole experience like you were we don't about, we haven't talked about this a lot, but you were incredible. Like my respect for women in general went up a thousand times after experiencing childbirth and seeing what Ash went through

and seeing her bring in my little boy into the world. I was all right the whole way. I was like holding your hand and trying to comfort you and speak to you the whole way. And I was together and then whole way I was like holding your hand and and trying to comfort you and and speak to the whole way and I was together and then doing my tennis machine doing yeah your machine got the tennis machine and then and then I just broke I was just a mess I've just it all sort of overwhelmed me to what at the end when you know little you could hear a little man come in. And I think at one point the nurse had said his heart rate had slowed down. And you were obviously in so much pain, but just doing so well and just pushing through it.

And I just had to step into the bathroom and have a little cry. I was like, all right, I'll be back in a minute. And that was just like, you just can't explain those emotions. And then I came back, dusted myself off. And then obviously there he was. Welcome to Paranormal Activity with me, Yvette Fielding. A brand new podcast bringing together people's real ghost, extraterrestrial and paranormal stories, as well as getting some inside details from those who

study the supernatural. I'll be listening through your paranormal stories every week and try to understand them, as well as chatting about my own encounters with an occasional paranormal investigator too. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts from including Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. We gave birth at, I say we, I gave birth at Chelsea in Westminster and they had this thing which I've been told has now been cancelled around the country, which is gutting, but called continuity of care.

So you basically have the same midwife throughout your whole experience. Like they came to our house. It was NHS and none of it was private. So we had the same midwife and every time she came over, Tom was like, I don't think she likes me. I tried so hard with her. I was like, but it's not about you. On each step with Peloton, she likes me. I tried so hard with her. I was like, but it's not about you. Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app.

Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. That's it. It's literally it's not about me. So no, but no, I felt relaxed around her and I knew she'd take care of you. But obviously no one prepares you for childbirth. There's a lot of hush hush around childbirth from both sides. I feel like even if, even if like one of your best friends has a baby and you say, how was the childbirth? You both sort of look at each other just you know it was tough and there's extremities of how tough it is but then you don't go into the details and you definitely don't share the details with people who are about to have children but I think you know I think you should do that you can do it would definitely help me I had I went in like blind going into that I had no idea what to expect or how tough it was going to be. Quite a common question was, did it make you view my body in a different way?

Yeah, I think having a baby in general, you know, I've never looked at boobs the same way again since you had a baby. What about the vagina? What about the vagina? By the way, Tom still won't tell me if I pooed in childbirth or not. I always ask him, and I'm like, did I poo? Because obviously you're always really embarrassed about that. And he's like, just don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. That definitely means yes. Just don't worry about it. Has it made you view my body differently say like before childbirth before you had to see the sights of us coming out you quickly forget you you're funny how your brain works it's funny how a bloke's brain works yeah it just throws it down the down the well and just yeah it's obviously like extremely graphic and birthing is an incredible thing when you think about it it's mad like what your body does and how it changes and adapts is incredible I've never viewed you

differently since you since you went through that I think it's quite interesting isn't it because there's a lot of there's and I hope it's not just you. I'd feel a bit gutted if men saw someone's birth from a child and then were like, ugh, stay away from me. But I think what's really interesting is there's lots of talk and fear, I guess, around sex and intimacy after birth. But what I think I forgot is that it's not just me that's scared because I remember you being like, do you not think I'm scared of hurting you? And I think that forgot is that it's not just me that's scared because I remember you being like do you not think I'm scared of hurting you and I think that's like a really like interesting point

because we did have loads of questions around like sex and intimacy but obviously after I obviously I can only speak from your experience but I feel like after seeing me go through that and obviously knowing that I have stitches and all of that stuff like Tom was a bit like I'm scared as well whereas I feel like we are society in general makes us feel like if we don't put out our husbands are going to leave us or our boyfriends are going to leave us but you've said like you're saying it's not like that at all and like also you're too tired for sex like I don't look new dads new mom you're not having sex don't worry like it's all good like the little person is keeping you busy enough by the time you finish the day the last thing you want to do is

is get down so but you know I also think it's the communication though isn't it because I suppose if like you we never ever talked about it it might be like I say I might be thinking like oh my god does he not find me attractive anymore or you might be like oh like she doesn't want it no but just that's just like having like a good line of communication is it helps with everything like regardless of you know sex whatever it is like if you communicate how you're feeling because there's so many new emotions there's new feelings being a new parent like it's all new to you and it's constantly changing, evolving. And we've discovered it. Like we've had quite a few Barneys because we weren't communicating

and then it just builds up and builds up and it all just explodes and comes out and it's not healthy. Did you feel connected to Alf straight away? So like the moment he came out yeah i think so you're just like you're thinking like what's this what's he gonna look like like what is he gonna be does he gonna look like me is he gonna look like you he didn't really look like any of us when he first came when he first came out we were like is this our baby he was like purple he was like purple bruised but you just love instant love for this little dude like it's like you can't explain it but see I didn't have that you didn't I know yeah I know you didn't have that if I'm being honest I had that straight away

I remember saying to Tommy like do you love him and he was like yeah I've never experienced anything like it and I was like oh okay and then I just remember like do you remember we took him home and I was like hello you live here now hope you like and then obviously it grew but I remember saying to you do you love him you're like yeah yeah it's just it's just all so surreal like you can't you can't explain it that I I felt straight away oh my god I've just created a little baby like what what do we do now it wasn't like I wasn't worried about oh my god do I love him or I'm up you know it was more okay how do we keep him alive like what what what do we do now everything's changed I think that's such the biggest thing

about being a new parent is that that point I mentioned before around like you you can't ever be selfish anymore like you know whatever you did pre-baby you know it's great to try and keep your routine and it's great to try and keep doing things that you enjoy where fit, but your priority has to be the little dude, the little bubba right now. And that's like the biggest adaptment and change, I would say. I feel like for our relationship, the biggest change is the fact that it's not about us anymore. Like we always said in the few months that we had together before alf or before pregnancy we were like we're gonna go and have loads of adventures and we loved like going out and our life was like really sociable both independently and together and then obviously lockdown happened

so i feel like that kind of changed our relationship in a way more than having a baby did because obviously i wasn't traveling anymore or DJing anymore and we were both living in the house together like you weren't seeing your mates or I wasn't seeing my mates and you know we had quite a few like big dinner parties before lockdown so I feel like like in terms of like our relationship changing that was probably like the biggest change I think but then I'm actually interested to know as like a dad or obviously you specifically like I I guess after we had Alf so immediately after childbirth I had first of all was like obviously like the physical recovery and then second of all I'd say from about like four months onwards

is when I started to like really struggle mentally. So what was that like for you, like navigating my mental health and my physical health? It's a tricky one. I feel like the first four to six months is definitely the hardest. Like I found it the hardest. I think it took a toll on our relationship. I know you found it the hardest. I thought it was really good at the beginning really yeah like the first sight few months I thought I thought they were the tricky

if I'm being honest I thought they were trickiest months but you could because it's also new and everything everything you're just you're learning to adapt to the change but I feel like I was in a love bubble for the first sight maybe that was a lockdown that was because it was locked down and I feel like every single person who's had a baby in lockdown had experienced these these these like challenges and difficulties to your question on the mental health piece I don't know I'm always got a positive person probably delusional positivity um and a delusional optimist about everything. I do struggle and we've had arguments because over not taking the positive out of things. Yes, we always joke that Tom's cup is overflowing, whereas my cup is very empty. But I think what was hard is that you, obviously like with mental health, it's different to just

like being negative, isn't it? I think that's like the stigma health it's different to just like being negative isn't it i think that's like the stigma around it so i think tom found it really hard until we had like a proper good conversation about it where i actually broke it all down like how i felt and why i felt um so for example like obviously we've moved we moved house so from a flat into a bigger house out of london and obviously we've got like a beautiful baby boy. So Tom was very much like, what's wrong with you? Like you should not, but as in like, look on the bright side, you were very much like, we live in like a beautiful house.

We live here. Like, why can't you just look on the bright side? Whereas once I actually broke down how I felt and how it's like that, the mother identity or that feeling of like, you've lost your previous self like I feel like guys don't feel it as much well I mean I guess your life I mean it changes but not to the extent our life isn't impacted as much as yours like that's that's once I actually said like yeah we've moved to like a bigger house but it's also away from my friends

and I'm lonely and I like you know I'm not deejaying anymore and I'm watching well like you know once I actually break down more than just what I was like complaining about on the surface I feel like then it's like it goes back to the communication piece like you with being a new parent you are so focused on on looking after the little the little person you sometimes forget to take a breath and talk to your other half and say like how we not other half because we are two holes sorry talk to your talk to your wife your girlfriend you meet whatever um he nearly said mrs but he was he was like oh she doesn't like that one either i'm not gonna say that um it's just so important to talk this is a question that was asked quite a

lot but i know it's something that's come up with us like that feeling obviously i've talked a lot about like the resentment of how it's not as hard for dads and you know you guys kind of I mean obviously you don't go through childbirth you go back to work after a couple of weeks depending what paternity leave situation is and I because I've like kind of always been working throughout I have found it I have had like resentment haven't I like you know it's not fair why do you get to go back to work and I don't or all the mental load and the child organizing's on me like how did you find navigating that resentment and how would what would you recommend to like anyone who's listening what would you recommend to anyone who's listening in particular you know it'll be a lot of mums listening who are maybe feeling resentment towards their their partners like how did you navigate it or what

advice would you give around that yeah I think first of all like two weeks paternity leave isn't long enough like for most for most people who work for an employee employer you have you know standard two weeks which is not long enough because the first week is a blur and you're not sleeping and you know your body is in so much sort of pain and discomfort you know you could hardly move and then the second week goes so quickly before you know it bang you're back at work well also I was in pain for six weeks no I know I know I know I know sorry so that that like in hindsight I would have taken longer I'm very lucky that my the place I work gives six weeks and I should have taken longer of it in hindsight

um but you know the majority of employees will give two weeks, which I just don't feel is long enough. How did you feel though when I was like basically like resenting you or what do you wish I had done differently or like did you actually understand where the resentment came from or were you just like, I remember you saying at one point like, well, what did you expect? And I was like, I don't know, I feel like because I've never felt like I've been in a domestic role or in a kind of like I do feel like since

having a baby it has made me feel like I'm more in a kind of gendered role than I've ever like had to feel in my life like you know I still feel like as progressive and equal as we are getting like you have a baby and whether it's because of biological reasons or whatever like I was like why am I the one that has to stay at home like I want to be out working and doing all this stuff and I feel like you know the dads get praised for doing so little whereas the moms get criticism for doing so little yeah I agree like it the mom the moms are the superstars. The mums like, you know, especially like the start of a baby's life, like the mum is number one and, you know, you're always going to be number one. But especially that start, like they need you and you need more support than ever.

So, you know, it just goes back to my point before, like whatever I can control outside of baby, whether that is food, shopping, cleaning, washing, whatever, whatever it is, make basically make sure that you feel as the,

the things that stress you out outside of baby shouldn't exist. And, and for me, that was, that was the biggest thing for me to focus on. The resentment piece was difficult because we don't have you know you don't have like a normal a normal job per se you know like you didn't get any maternity leave you still worked throughout your like from the day he was born you still you didn't stop working

basically so you know juggling that was difficult and you know you do some pretty crazy stuff to be honest this podcast has been easy compared to taking a picture for ashley that has been our biggest that has been the biggest frustration for me is getting the framing right and your bloody pictures that has been motherhood's been a double compared to being like the insta husband the resentment I get from getting your bloody framing wrong uh is the trickiest bit but I think it has been hard for you to like especially for me when I started going back to work and we didn't have child care support you know parents weren't as close by and you know we didn't have any support at the early days. That was really, that was really hard.

It's quite nice actually looking, like reflecting back, because even though we're talking quite openly about, you know, like the challenges that we've had in our relationship, I feel like a year on, like, I mean, we've always been in a good place and that's never been like, we've not thought that we thought we went right for each other. No, never. I feel like a lot of the challenges that we're talking about we are we have actually like worked through them and I think you know actually like you know having you guys on social media has been amazing because when I was in that stage where I I was trying to juggle it all Tom was obviously um working even if he was working from home obviously he the luxury of getting to go into your office and close the door whereas I was just trying to like be with Alf and get my work done which was kind of making me bad at both and um you know it was a few of you guys that told me

about childcare.com which is how we found our amazing nanny Razia who just comes for like a few hours a couple of times a week which allows me me just to like, A, focus on my work, but B, like leave Alf. And I feel like that, it's like anything, isn't it? You have to be able to leave them, leave it, leave him, leave whatever to be able to like appreciate them. And that like, I think was like the biggest turning point for like me, because it kind of helped with the resentment

because I no longer, I got to do my work as well and obviously as Alf gets older like it would be literally impossible for me to try and work around him because he probably like ram his hands into a door or something but I feel like our relationship has evolved a lot because I don't know like yeah when you look back like we've gone through a lot and we we've we've faced a lot of challenges that any new parents in general, but any new parents in lockdown as well, there's so much uncertainty and it's so difficult to know what's around the corner and how to adapt

and change to what's going on but I feel like if we look back in a year I said last night this we've done so much this year and like I'm so proud of you know what you've done and how you've you've raised Alf and the way he is now um but I feel like you know as a parent, you're going to put so much pressure on yourself. But, you know, you just don't need to. And it goes so quickly. It goes so quickly. The old cliche.

It's mad. Like he's, yeah, it's nearly one. Well, he's one today. Like crazy. Yeah. But at the time that this podcast comes out, who will be one today? Yeah. So I would say like if anyone's listening

and they are going through like the resentment and the struggles and maybe like they feel like you know they're on like just they're not getting on with their partners like I would say like what I we did it at the beginning actually and then I guess you get lost in it a little bit but it's almost like every week you think like what was hard last week well I found this really hard like I I resent that you went got to go to work because I really struggle it's almost like breaking it down isn't it because with resentment it's like well so what aren't you doing that you want to get done and then almost trying to find a solution obviously like can you afford child care can you like move closer to parents so that they can help with

free child care can like what can you do and it's almost trying to like fix each hurdle isn't it so that it's better the following week and like loads of times we have to be like oh we need to remember to be kinder to each other yeah because like when you're tired and you're stressed and everything else but just go for a walk like get some fresh air the amount of walking we did around Battersea Park and around the park we live now like that is good get out of get out of your house like if you can get out your house spend some time together outside um you know we end up going for walks now and Al falls asleep and we just go for a drink.

Yeah. Just like take the stress off things. Well, we've been to a few, like we've been to the Toby Carvey, we've been to Slug and Lettuce, pretty much anywhere we pass, if Al's asleep, we're like, do you have a quick drink? And I guess that's one thing about like trying to make time for each other. Like even if the baby isn't sleeping and you don't get the luxury of like the evenings on your own in the house, that's kind of like how we've tried to make it happen yeah um well I feel like we've talked for England I hope that you guys have enjoyed this I feel like it's like couple therapy

but um obviously normally I ask a question from you guys every week but I feel like I've asked I've asked hopefully we've answered about 10,000 of them so if you did have any questions or you had any comments around this podcast episode and get in touch askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com and don't forget to leave us a review on apple podcast quite often some of the questions we answer are from apple podcasts and um thank you so much for listening to Ashley James first time mom the parenting podcast don't forget to hit subscribe or follow button and well let's round it off by saying what's been your what's been the best part of becoming a dad and what's your favorite thing

about alf i just think like waking up to him every day but his little face when he wakes up and he's half asleep and he sort of he knows who you are and now he's at the stage where he mimics so he loves animals he loves the wheels on the bus and he starts doing these he does the wiper motions which my mum taught him

every time he does that I just think god this little man I would do anything for this little kid to be fair you were in the gym this morning when he woke up, but he opened his eyes and farted. So I feel like you get the glory parts. I was just like, lol. There's no, I don't have a favourite part.

It's just like seeing him grow every day and seeing him evolve so quickly from sitting up to crawling to standing. You know, every day you're just like jesus i'm so proud of it he's just he's just the best yeah i can't i can't say my favorite thing about him is probably his breath he's so weird he always he's like let me go sniffing that breath. He just has the best breath. Doesn't do that to me. No, definitely not in the morning. Anyway, right. I'm going to let you go. Please keep spreading the news

and tell another person about the podcast, especially this episode, if you think it would be useful. And I'll be back with another episode same time, same place next week when Alf will be one. Oh my God.