Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - Rini Frey - Own It Babe

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Rini Frey also known as Own It Babe is an influencer journaling on motherhood, self love, mental health and hot mess expresses. Ashley chats to her all about antidepressants, body confidence and mental health in this episode! TW/ DepressionIf you have any feedback or have a question you would like Ashley and her guest to answer, get in touch at [e-mail]--- A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well hello so today i wanted to talk about taking a baby on holiday because in the summer we were meant to go away to france but a sign of the times the most 2021 reason for not going away ever we got covid so we had to cancel our little mini french trip and now we have booked somewhere for tom's dad's 60th so um we are going to mauritius which is just like the most dream come true holiday i'm so excited however it's a very long flight I think it's like 12 hours from London so I need your help and your advice on all things going away like what should I pack any advice for the flights um and mainly I'm just excited to go away to get a break from things like um for those of you that like followed my journey before I had Alf, I used to travel a lot and it was kind of like my source of happiness. I would spend every penny

that I made on going away. I'd stay in hostels. I didn't care about, you know, it being luxury. I just wanted to get away, see the world, do it as cheaply as possible and so between becoming a mum and covid I've not been away for a very long time so I just feel I need the break but also I'm so excited to see the sunshine and actually I'm using the break to obviously switch off but also check check in on my mental health when I get back because I'm getting to a point now that I'm starting to wonder if maybe I do need help with my uh with my mental health and whether that is because of postnatal depression or whether that is because we're in lockdown I just feel like things still aren't right and you know I feel like I've got so much to be grateful for I feel

like I'm so like strong-minded but something isn't right like I feel how can I describe it I feel like everything is a bit of an effort and that things that should be really joyful are very gray do you know what I mean like things are just very everything feels like a struggle even if it's a positive one you know like meeting up with friends getting up in the morning and of course I have like real moments of joy like I've started to do these belly laughs and I think that is heaven like listening to a baby laugh especially if you're the one making him laugh, it's the best thing in the world. But then the rest of the time, I just feel a little bit meh. I'd love to know, like, do you feel like this?

Did you feel like this? If so, did you get help? So basically, this is why I really wanted today's guest on. She is an international guest as she is talking to me all the way from Calgary in Canada and I'm just so so so excited to have this conversation. I am so excited about my guest today. Actually the moment I set up this podcast I was like I need to get this person on she is an influencer actually she is somebody that has like been a real source of love and comfort throughout her pregnancy and now into motherhood she documents a really honest view of her journey

into motherhood she talks about self-love, mental health, body confidence. Yeah, I'm just so excited to have Rini Frey, who is known as Own It Babe on social media, to chat to me today. Hi, Rini. Hi, Ashley. It's so great to be here. And that was such a nice intro. Honestly, I'm just so pleased. Number one, for the internet that I actually found you. number two that we actually get to chat in well not I was going to say in person but in in words rather than typing I know it's so nice it's been so nice I was saying before we hit record that it's just been so nice to follow along on your journey and you share really honestly as well it's just been so fun

to watch you become a mom thank you um do know what? It was the moment that you posted something the other day. So just for context, sorry, I should have put this in the intro, even though you said it was a lovely intro. I also forgot to mention that you are a mom to Zoe, who is, I'm going to say 11 months, but she might even be nearly one. Yeah, nearly one. She turns one on Halloween night, on November 1st, I guess. So a couple of weeks.

Halloween. Because I remember so well when you gave birth because obviously I was following your journey and I was at that um Alf was born on the 9th of January and I was in that really like uncomfortable stage and I'm like kind of like was really jealous that you'd given birth but also I was like yay let me see what this is about now I remember it clearly my husband was like out searching for Halloween candy because we were out and I was like oh my gosh I think I'm in labor but yes I know the feeling of being jealous but also excited for the other mom to give birth when you're in that uncomfortable stage it's not very nice it's so funny isn't it like even one of my friends gave birth early and I was like you bitch you beat me like but also yay for you get this video out of me yeah exactly so it was actually

your post the other day that actually pushed me to get in touch with you and I'm just so happy that you agreed to come on and the post was talking about um your mental health and you basically said postpartum depression is nothing to be ashamed of. And you talked really openly about the fact that you decided to go on to Prozac. And firstly, I just think it's amazing that you've been so honest and so open.

But secondly, I feel like I'm in this stage where I'm like, okay, is it postnatal depression? Is it just the fact we're going through like a global pandemic and lockdown? And I've had so much hesitancy about potentially reaching out and basically going on antidepressants. So I'd love it if I could chat a little bit more about it with you, because I feel like it's something that's just not talked about a lot. I think so, too. I think there's a lot of shame and stigma still around taking that step. I think we've done a lot of work around destigmatizing therapy. You know, it seems to me like almost everyone I know has either seen a therapist or is currently in therapy. And it's just a part of our self care. And that's great. Because, you know, even my parents generation, they don't

believe in therapy, you know, so we've come really far. But when it comes to medication, it's just, there's like a hush hush about it still, I find, especially amongst moms. And there's just so much to unpack there. But I think for me, because I felt that shame too, and I was so hesitant and I tried everything. I tried, you know, exercising and meditation and, you know, taking more time for myself and just making sure that I look after myself as best as I can, but it just still didn't get rid of that feeling that I was going through and that stage I was in. But I felt that shame too, because I just kept thinking, I'm a mom, I should, you know, this, this should be the happiest time of

my life. I love my baby. I love this part of me, you know, I love this part of me that I created, and I love the stage of my life that I'm in. So why do I feel this way? And there were so many other emotions that came with it. For me, it was a lot of anger. I know for every mom, every postnatal depression is different. But for me, there was just a lot of anger and resentment. And I couldn't really control it. And that was really scary for me. So there was a lot of resentment towards my husband, resentment towards Zoe, which I felt

awful about. But I just couldn't control these thoughts. It just, it was so intrusive. So even though I did feel that shame, I just kept thinking like, I want to show up as the best mom that I can be. And right now that's not who I am. So I just, I need to explore all my options and clearly what I've been trying isn't working. So that's what encouraged me, I guess, to reach out for help. And I think I did truly hit rock bottom. If I were to go through it again, I would have reached out for help much sooner. I did let it get to a point where I just was having very scary thoughts of like, you know, things would be easier if I wouldn't be here. And my

husband and my daughter would have a better life without me and just thoughts that don't sound like me at all. But I was having these thoughts and I had it, you know, I just, I just didn't know what to do anymore. And so my husband was actually the one who encouraged me to reach out for help because he watched me go through it. And I, I just couldn't talk about it because I was so ashamed. So I kept saying I'm fine. And things just were not good in our home at all. But I just wanted to power through it. And like you, Ashley, I was like, is this just the stress of COVID? And you know, I'm not getting a lot of sleep. And maybe I'm just extra stressed out now, because I'm a mom. But the more this went on, I just kept thinking, is this going to be my life

now? Is this who I am now? And I just, I didn't think that this was who I am. And I don't think that was who I am. So I'm just really glad I took that step. Obviously, that's not for everyone. And I totally get that. And I had to go through trial and error with other medications, which was a bit of a pain. But yeah, that's kind of where I am today. I mean, firstly, I'm so sorry that you went through all of this. But secondly, honestly, you could be me, like you could be the inner workings of my brain. Secondly, honestly, you could be me. Like you could be the inner workings of my brain because I actually said to Tom the other night, I think it might've even been after I saw your post

because I've been thinking in the back of my mind for a while, you know, I feel like something isn't right, but I can't put my finger on it. Do I need help? Is it just the like, you know, adapting, is it COVID, everything that know adapting the covid everything that we mentioned and when I said to Tom the other night in bed I was like I'm thinking about going on antidepressants and he was like okay what what's wrong like what why and um it's hard because I

think he feels like a big responsibility to make sure that I'm happy. And he kind of takes it upon himself that if I'm not happy, that's like a failing of his. And I was like, the thing is, I should be happy. Like, I love Alf. I love Tommy. We've just moved to, we moved out of London. So we're a bit more in the countryside now as we have some more space. I know you moved as well.

And so I'm technically in my dream home I love my work I love my job I mean you know I'm struggling to see friends and stuff but I feel like that's stuff that I should be able to cope with and then I was having like suicidal thoughts I remember being in the bath thinking like that kind of thing of like maybe it'd be better if I wasn't here but also thinking but I can't I couldn't leave Alf without a mum oh my god I'm trapped I can't and it sounds horrible and like really dark but it's like I can't even kill myself if I wanted to because I'm prisoner now in as a mum to Alf and that's also obviously of course that's like it's hard because to even like vocalize suicidal thoughts, it's like a really like difficult thing to say, because it's not the same as saying I was actually planning on doing it, but it's where my mind was taking me. And I almost felt like annoyed that I was like, even if I wanted to, I couldn't now because then it would be selfish because I'd leave off without a mom. I couldn't now because then it would be selfish because I'd leave off without a mom. Oh my gosh, Ashley, I went through the exact same thing. I was nodding along as you were saying it.

I just wanted to jump into, because you can't see me, I just want you to know that you're not alone. And I had these exact same thoughts. I was, you know, thinking about how I would do it and what would happen afterwards. And I was even picturing Sean and Zoe down the road. And I was watching videos of like single dads raising their children. Like it was, I was in a bad place. And yeah, I just wanted to share that with the listeners too, but also especially with you, Ashley, because when you go through these thoughts, you feel so alone and so ashamed to even have these thoughts, but they're not actually you. When you thought about antidepressants, like, have you ever been on them before? Or cause in my head, I'm like, what, like, what if I get addicted to them? Or what if

they don't agree with me? Or what if I feel like all the what ifs that always come into your mind, but because antidepressants aren't really talked about,'m like what what are the what ifs like what was it like for you going on them I know that obviously you're in in Calgary and Canada and I'm in the UK so I guess the brands and the processes might be very different but what were your hesitancies and and if you don't mind like what what were the kind of like the changes in your mood and behaviors and any physical effects that you might have felt since going on them yeah totally so um I was on antidepressants before for a brief amount of time during my eating disorder recovery that was years ago and they were really helpful always in combination with therapy and, you know, an exercise routine and

self-care. So it wasn't like, I always thought that if I were to just have gone on antidepressants and nothing else, I probably wouldn't be in such a good place. So I think you always have to combine it with other things that just feel good to you. But sometimes you're just in such a bad headspace that you need the antidepressants to even be able to do these things that bring you joy and that make you feel good. So I really saw it as kind of like one tool in my toolbox of things that helped me heal back then. And that's, I think that's why I didn't hesitate as much as I maybe would have this time around. hesitate as much as I maybe would have this time around. But I completely understand the hesitancy and going through the trial and error at first to find the right type of medication that's right for

you is also it can be difficult. Maybe you're lucky the first time around I wasn't I tried another medication called Trintelix before I went on Prozac. And it made it even worse. Trintelix before I went on Prozac, and it made it even worse. That's when I was having these like really, really dark thoughts. But I knew that this is a potential side effect. So I just went to my doctor and came off it right away. But that was definitely one of my hesitancies is, what if I go on it, and it's, you know, it's that bad that I actually am going to do something to myself. But I think if you have that hesitancy, it's just important to talk about it with your partner or someone you trust to just let them know that, hey, I'm going on this medication. You know, in very rare cases,

it has these side effects. I just want you to check in on me. And if you notice any changes, like please, you know, help me call my doctor or sit next to me while I call or get me to my doctor, whatever it is. Another hesitancy that I had is like you, I was like, what if I have to be on it for the rest of my life? I talked about that with my doctor. He said, usually, women stay on it for six to 18 months. The longer you stay on it, the better. So if you stay on it for a year to 18 months, the you know, it's it's less likely that you'll fall back into postpartum depression. So I'm planning on staying on it for, you know, at least six more months or so and then slowly tapering off and seeing how I'm doing. So that's definitely just something that you have to make peace with. I think there's no

real good advice that I have for that. Some people do stay on it for the rest of their lives. And that's, that's totally fine. You know, I actually am going on holiday. And so I decided that maybe I'll feel better once I have a break, because I mean, I don't know how COVID is over there. But it has just felt like this like relentless slog and maybe getting away if we can. COVID restrictions aside, because obviously we're going into winter now and who knows, I've learned not to like look too far ahead.

I'm just going to see how I feel when I get back. But I definitely feel like healthy habits and remembering to take your vitamins and all those acts of self-love are so important. But I think because I've done so much like therapy and coaching and I feel really like strong in how much I've like how much self-love I've done in my past that because things aren't clicking still I'm like I feel like I probably need to like to get extra help so it is really nice and super reassuring

that you're talking about it and you're so open about it because I'm sure get extra help so it is really nice and super reassuring that you're talking about it and you're so open about it because I'm sure it will help well it has helped me but I'm sure it will help so many other people as well yeah I think so and hopefully by talking about it more we can just erase that stigma that all of us carry within us you know this may sound corny but I think I carry a lot of that internalized stigma just from my parents alone, just from that older generation of how we were raised and what we were told about medication for our brains. And it's like I look at it as like, you know, if you break your leg or you have an injury and you're being put on pain medication, then you take you take those pills, you know, you don't hesitate. So it should be the same with, you know, you don't hesitate. So it should be the same with, you know, mental illness or being mentally unwell as well. Yeah, because I feel like

the world has definitely evolved in such a positive way talking about mental health, but talking about the treatment of it is very different. And also, I do feel like it's easy to talk about things retrospectively. So like, I feel like this and now I feel much better and this is what helped me. But actually, when you're going through it and when you're having those dark thoughts, it's actually a lot harder to be like, this is me now. And I think it is because there's like a pressure to be positive, you know, that it's easier to be like, almost almost be like this was me before and look at me now and that can be the same with like self-love and body confidence as well like I I love your all your posts around body confidence it's actually how I I found you on Instagram and I I feel like I was someone that had like really achieved like a good level of body

acceptance and I'd got to a point where you know always having big boobs I was like that had like really achieved like a good level of body acceptance. And I'd got to a point where, you know, always having big boobs. I was like, if people want to judge me, that's on them. But I think because my mental health is bad, I am finding it hard to admit now that actually my body confidence isn't that good. And that's not because I need external validation. You know, like a thousand people could tell me every day that I look amazing, but I'm still getting to grips with feeling like I'm in a different person's body. So it's not necessarily a better or a worse body. I just don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I mean, cause you're such a light, a ray of light on social media. And you mentioned earlier that, you know, you've got a past history of eating disorders. How has your body image changed throughout your pregnancy and now into

motherhood? Yeah, first off, I just wanted to say I feel the exact same way. And I think it's so important that you talk about this and that, you know, even if you do have an account that is about body confidence, you don't always feel confident in your body. And yeah, to answer your question, that's definitely kind of what I went through throughout pregnancy and what I'm still going through. So when I first became pregnant, I would say that my body image was really good. I was just in a really, really good place. I had recovered from my eating disorder for about three years, I felt, you know, very peaceful in the body I was living in. And I knew that it would probably be challenging throughout pregnancy, because your body just will change,

it will definitely change, and you will have little control over it. And so the first trimester was definitely rough for me, because of the morning sickness, and my body was changing. And so the first trimester was definitely rough for me because of the morning sickness and my body was changing and I just felt so out of control. I couldn't really get anything done during the day. Anyone who's been pregnant before can probably relate. So that was definitely not great. The second trimester is when I started to show but not really. And that was kind of, I think, the most difficult time for me in terms of body image throughout pregnancy because you couldn't really tell I was pregnant. I just kind of, you know, look bloated. And I had put on weight.

And looking back, I mean, I don't know, I didn't even gain that much. But in my head, it just seemed like I was this entirely different person. So that was definitely hard for me. And I just kept, you know, talking through it with Sean and talking myself through it and realizing that, hey, it's, it doesn't matter. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what other people think. And if they judge me about how I look, it's just none of my business. And I'm growing a human being inside of me. And my body is doing an incredible thing right now. So I just kind of talk myself through that every single day. I think throughout pregnancy, you just have sort of, it's almost like an excuse, which is bad to say, but it's almost like I'm growing this human being, I'm allowed to change, you know,

I loved when I had a bump, I felt, you know, sometimes I felt like a potato. But other times, I felt like a pregnancy goddess. And I just felt, you know, it was just a very special time to feel those kicks and to have that bump and to know that, like, you're going to bring a human being into this world. Once you hit that postpartum stage, though, I feel like you don't have, all you have is the pressure from society to just get your body back, quote unquote. And, oh, this person bounced back within a week, that person bounced back within three months. And even, you know, other people telling me, oh, don't worry about it until, you know, one year postpartum, and then you'll be in your old body again. Just don't worry, just live your life. And well, long story short, I'm still not, I'm one year postpartum almost, and my body still doesn't look like it used to look. It

probably never will. But yeah, the postpartum period for me was definitely more challenging in terms of body image. There's, you know, the loose skin and the body changes that come with it. Like you, my boobs have changed, you know, there's just, there's, you look in the mirror, and it doesn't totally look like you anymore. So there's a lot of getting used to it and making peace with it. It helps to know that this body nourished your baby and grew your baby. but there's still just so much pressure I find I don't know how you feel but there's so much pressure yeah I talk about this quite a lot because I feel quite strongly about it that the whole idea of like getting your body

back when it's just done this amazing thing and it actually makes me angry that we're judged on weight and weight loss because as we all know like you can you can gain weight or lose weight for positive or negative reasons and actually like for me personally I was going through all of these changes I had I had prolapse I had tears I had stitches I still have piles um I don't know if that will ever go I it was just like I had fecal incontinence so I'd literally go to the park and potentially shit myself and then have to get Tommy to come and like carry me her not carry me home but like walk with me home and I would be like I'm disgusting which obviously played a massive part on my body image and how I and my self-esteem and how I felt

about myself so actually for me it's not so much about how much I, I mean, I haven't weighed myself and I didn't even in pregnancy, but like, it's not about what size I am because I feel like I really accept now that women are so beautiful in so many different shapes and sizes. And I can, I don't internalize size anymore,

but it's more the, is my body going to be broken forever? And also I think I, even, you know, in terms of a relationship and sex, like Tom and I, I felt really sexy and empowered and it wasn't necessarily that I like love my body, but I felt very like sexy. And it's hard to feel sexy when you're like, can you see my piles? Like also like you're dealing with like insomnia and depression and you're like, can you see my piles? Also, you're dealing with insomnia and depression and you maybe aren't in the mood. And also, I'm breastfeeding and let's be honest, nursing

lingerie, I know that we're both big fans of bravado and it's amazing and it's so comfortable, but it doesn't quite make me feel as good as my old sexy lacy lingerie. but it doesn't quite make me feel as good as like my old sexy lacy lingerie. Yeah, absolutely not. I agree. I think nursing was definitely a part of why I was never in the mood too. But yeah, the mental health aspect, I think is just so big when it comes to body image. Welcome to Paranormal Activity with me Yvette Fielding, a brand new podcast bringing together people's real ghost, extraterrestrial and paranormal stories as well as getting some inside details from those who study the supernatural. I'll be listening through your paranormal stories every week and try to understand them, as well as chatting about my own encounters with an occasional paranormal investigator too.

You can find us wherever you get your podcasts from, including Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. Just search for Paranormal Activity with Yvette Fielding. I think for me like the big thing is I don't really care about sex because I think there's so much more to like intimacy than sex and actually we shouldn't have so much pressure on ourselves like the fact that I thought I'd be like back having sex and doing exercise after six weeks kind of like blows my mind now that I don't know if that was the expectation for you but in the UK there's like a six-week check and to be fair they don't even do physical checks it is pretty poor but for some reason we have this kind of six-week mark in our head that is totally unrealistic but what I found for me with Tommy it's almost like remembering like

oh it's not you know we could both be too tired to have sex but it's like remembering to like cuddle him or kiss him or even like just put on sexy lingerie for me like even if he doesn't notice because I'm already in the duvet I'm like yeah I feel a bit more like connected to myself I'll spray like a little bit of lavender in the room or whatever I mean lavender is literally for grannies that's probably not the sexiest scent is it know that you're like well and truly into like your 30s when spraying lavender is considered a sexy thing 100% I embrace it I love what you said about doing things for you too I think that's so important to do to wear clothes or lingerie that makes you feel good not

just for your partner and even like having sex with yourself you know like we can go there too it's just that's that's an act of self-love too and there's just a lot of things that you can do to make yourself feel better and it's just little tiny acts every day yeah and what I what I love I keep saying what I love about you but literally everything I love you too um I like that you actually talk about the changes in your relationship because I think that is a really difficult thing to talk about especially on online and on a big platform because it's it's hard because obviously having a baby does bring changes and I don't I don't I find it difficult to talk about and to open up about because A, for fear of upsetting Tom.

And B, because I don't want people to think that we're failing because it's just an adjustment, isn't it? So I feel like we're in a really strong relationship. But I definitely harbor resentment, like sometimes more than others and now that Alf's getting a bit older and a bit more independent from me I definitely feel it less but um you and Sean have been together for a decade right? Yeah. So how would how do you feel like um parenthood has changed your relationship? yeah I think um just like you I'm definitely in a much less resentful space now but at the start I just felt like everything changed for me and things definitely changed for him too but just not as much and I just I think I was

already in just a bad mental health space anyways, with my hormones and postpartum and everything. We didn't have a ton of help. We actually actually know let me backpedal, we did have help, it just didn't feel like enough help. People just do it entirely alone. But I just felt like Sean just went back to work and he was just doing his regular work day and he was helping whenever he could. And he was great. You know, he would cook us dinner and he would help clean the house and everything. But I had to try and be a full time mom while also I never even took a break from work. Right. Because Instagram is my job. So I couldn't really just be like, I'm going to take one year off, because then I would have to start

from scratch kind of thing. So I just kept on working. And I had to work full time and be a full time mom and, you know, take care of the household and do laundry and just do all of these things. So I just felt like I already made this human and now I'm pretty much doing everything again. And this isn't fair. This was just the headspace I was in back then. This isn't a fair thing to say because Sean couldn't get pregnant if he could have, he would have. But it's just the headspace that you're in. It's just all so overwhelming. And I think it just kind of fostered throughout the months that resentment that I felt in those very first few weeks after he went back to work.

It just kept getting worse and it kept getting worse. And I had a hard time talking about it to him. I remember we had one conversation about two months postpartum where I just shared, you know, I feel all this resentment and it's just all built up and it just makes me so angry. And I don't know what to do with those feelings other than talk to my therapist about them. And he just he didn't take it very well at the time. And we ended up doing a couple of sessions of couples therapy and that helped us, you know, helped him understand me a little bit better. sessions of couples therapy. And that helped us, you know, helped him understand me a little bit better. But I just felt like after I said it once, I couldn't just keep bringing it up because

that feeling didn't change. So I would have just kept saying the same thing to him over and over that I feel so resentful. So eventually, I just stopped saying it. And it was just building up inside of me. And every little thing that he would do, I would just take personally and I would just keep thinking like, he just has his life back and I don't. And, you know, I just have to make things work around his schedule. But looking back, it was just honestly, a big part of it was just the postpartum depression. I was going through that anger and that rage that I felt, the sleep deprivation, all of it that made me just not see things very clearly. Now looking back, I just know that our

jobs are different. I have a job where I can be more flexible and I don't have to be, you know, in the office all day kind of thing. I can just, you know, take some time away from my phone and take care of the baby and that's fine. No one's gonna, you know, wait on time away from my phone and take care of the baby. And that's fine. No one's going to, you know, wait on the line of the phone and I'm not going to show up to a phone call. So our jobs are just very different. So I had to work through that a lot. And I had to work through just the idea of like gender roles. I just often felt like I'm the default parent because I'm the mom. often felt like I'm the default parent because I'm the mom. If I go and do something nice for myself, I feel guilty. I still actually have to work through that, but I felt guilty. But if he just would go away for the weekend with his boys, then it would be fine. No one would, you know,

no one would say anything or no one would judge. But if I were to do that as the mom, I felt like people would judge me. So there was sort of that, as the mom, I felt like people would judge me. So there was sort of like three layers of resentment. There was like, the gender roles in the society, you know, our work, work schedules, and then just, you know, being at home and taking those roles on as mom and dad. So there was a lot, a lot to unpack there. It's so interesting, because I because I literally feel the same. And the amount of arguments that Tom and I would have like in the beginning and the amount of times

the arguments would usually end with, if I had boobs, I would feed him. I wish I had boobs. And also like Tom was like, what do you want me to do? Like, do you want me to quit my job? Like I will quit my job, but then like we literally lose half of our income. Like, what would you want me to do like do you want me to quit my job like I will quit my job but then like we literally lose half of our income like what would you like me to do because I get it from his perspective that it's not his fault that society still has these gender roles

and I think I was a bit naive because I've never really felt like prohibited in my gender in terms of like my work and my career because we are so fortunate now that you know we can we can have it all so then motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks because I was like what in the 1950s hell is this like what like what and it's funny because actually before I was a mum I actually do think I had a lot of internalized misogyny against mums. And I even was like, paternity leave? Why did they get paternity leave? And then in the UK, I think the standard is two weeks. Obviously, if you're self-employed, you don't get it. And some companies give longer, but I was like, two weeks, but I'm still bleeding. How can I do this on my own? And I guess one saving grace from COVID was that we are in a UK lockdown,

so he couldn't leave. But yeah, it has been like a, I think for a lot of people, it is such a, it's so normal to feel resentment because it's like parenthood hasn't caught up with the freedom of society. And obviously biologically,

if you're in a heterosexual relationship, and you are the child bearer, then there's only so much that they can do. Yeah, exactly. It's, it's, it's weird. I, I don't know, I have so many thoughts about it, it would probably be like a three hour conversation. But I think nobody prepares you for it. Nobody talked to me about the changes that I would experience in my marriage. And now that I started talking about it, all of these people are coming forward and are saying that they're going through the same thing. So it's more normal than we think. I think people just don't really talk about it because it's just another one of those things where you feel like, well, I should just be grateful. You know, my cute little family, I love them. We're good. This

is just a phase and then no one talks about it. And if you go through it, you feel like you're going through it alone, but you're not. I think as well, like even with relationships, there is this sort of like pressure to be like just it's like this whole like hashtag couple goals and if people say that about me and Tom I'm like but we're not couple goals like we're really not like I love him and I feel so lucky that I've like found him like the first person I feel like in my life that understands me and understood me and but we're not we're not goals and actually talking about the resentment thing I think it is so common but a lot of mothers don't want to talk about it because they might even recognize that their partners are doing as much as they can like you said I feel really

lucky that Tom like cooks meals and he'll help out where he can even if he has like you know a few spare minutes when he's working from home he'll run down and make sure everything's okay make me a sandwich so then you almost feel like petty for being like but I want more yeah 100% it's it's hard to see too when you're in it how much your partner actually does I just in my head Sean was doing literally nothing and when we were having that argument and he brought up all of the things that he does do when he gets a spare minute, I was like, huh, okay, well, I guess he's right in some ways. So there's just so much going on postpartum. It's just a really, it's a wild ride for sure in so many ways.

And I think for anyone listening who does feel this resentment, please know that it's a wild ride for sure in so many ways and I think for anyone listening who does feel this resentment like please know that it's normal and also like don't be afraid to try and communicate it um because like I think before I was a parent I was like you know you'd hear about couples breaking up when they'd have like a one or two or three year olds and I'd be like huh if like why would they have children if they're not compatible and now now I'm like, I get it. I get it. She was probably sick of doing everything. Yeah. And he probably didn't understand. And they were just, they just grew apart. I, I totally get it now. There's just. And now I'm like, do you know what? I'm so happy to hear that people break up if it's not working. I'm obviously really sad, especially if it's like communication issues, but I'm like, good for you.

Yes, definitely. You don't want to force anything if there's, you know, nothing to fix for sure. I feel like we're covering so much ground, but one thing I absolutely want to talk to you about before I let you go is going on holiday with a baby. Yeah, for sure. I need I need all the tips, all the advice, because I know that you guys went away with Zoe recently. Yeah, we did. We went to visit my parents for a few days in Greece. And then we spend a few days on a Greek island. And then we went to Paris. So we sort of had everything in a two week holiday. We had the help of our parents. So we visited grandparents and then we did like a relaxing vacation on a Greek Island. And then we did like a wild couple of days in Paris where just there's just chaos.

So it totally depends what kind of vacation you're planning on doing are you guys going to a beach or what do you have yeah we're going um it's actually tom's dad's 60th so um we're going to mauritius which is like a dream come true holiday in the indian ocean and um i'm very i'm not actually anxious i'm looking forward to it but i just love any tips on the flight i would say that i'm anxious about the flight and also like if there's things that you wish that you'd packed or wish you didn't pack I just love any tips on the flight. I would say that I'm anxious about the flight. And also like if there's things that you wish that you'd packed or wish you didn't pack and advice on just making it work. Did you feel like you even had a holiday? I definitely did feel like I had a holiday because Sean wasn't working. So it was truly like a 50-50 split of like, who does what. And

I would even say that he took care of Zoe the most during that holiday, because I had quite a bit of work I had to do while we're there. So I did feel like it was a holiday, I would say for the flight, try not to stress too much. One good tip that I got that was really helpful was to either feed or, you know, nurse or give a bottle during takeoff and landing because that's when the pressure on their little ears is, you know, could be the hardest. And that helped Zoe pretty much. She didn't cry at all, actually, during takeoff and landing. during takeoff and landing. And then if you can plan your flight around nap times, or, you know, take a red eye and she can sleep, this is what we did on the way there. And she slept for more than half of the flight, which was great. So we boarded the flight, and then we tried to sort of do like a little routine with her. So we read a book, and then you know, she got her bottle while we took off. And then, you know, we tried to sing to her a little bit and that helped her go to sleep. So if you can sort of adapt your routine on the flight to be very similar to the routines that you have going on

at home, that was super helpful for us. And then, yeah, just try and, you know, entertain them, take some new toys. That was another good tip that I got was to have some new toys for the flight that they don't know yet to keep them entertained. Yeah. And I think that's pretty much all of my tips for the flight. And just don't sweat it too much. It's going to be okay. What we did on the way back is that because on the way there, we both just kind of tried to take care of her and hold her. On the way back, we said, hey, half the flight, you got her and the other half, I got her so that either of us could relax and get some sleep. Maybe that's something you guys can try

to. And that was actually great, you know, because he didn't keep thinking, oh, my gosh, eight more hours of trying to entertain her. Oh Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? You knew that, you know, somebody else was there to eventually take over. But it was actually really, she did so good. So I'm sure it's going to be no issue for you. I've literally just written down new toys. Yeah, new toys and feedings during takeoff and landing. Those would be my top two tips. new toys and feedings during takeoff and landing. Those would be my top two tips. And while you're there, same thing, try and stick to a routine as much as possible, but don't sweat it if you can't. This is kind of the strategy that we went with. So we tried to stick to bedtimes as best we could. Sometimes it would be like an hour later and that was fine.

Sometimes Zoe had to nap in her stroller which didn't go over wearing very well because she pretty much only ever naps in her crib but you know if that's something that you can do to make sure that you know she can still get her naps in somehow or he can still get his naps in somehow and you guys can you know hang out at the beach or do your thing. Yeah, that would be my tip. And I think if you are at a birthday of Tom's dad, maybe, you know, there's other people that want to hold Alfie and look after him a little bit so you can get a break. That would be fun too. That would be, that's the main, that's the main fun. Yay, please take him. I actually like the fact that i already have like a very loose routine that alf will nap wherever we are so i'm hoping that will be beneficial for the holiday um so

every week we get different i say we like i'm the queen but i get different questions in from um people who either leave us a review or email in. And this one is from Rachel and it kind of loosely fits around what we've just been talking about. So she says, Hey, Ashley, love the podcast. It's like first time mom comforted by another first time mom feeling the same emotions. I feel really overwhelmed by the idea of a routine as I'm not an organized person by nature. Do you have suggestions on how I can ease into one or little steps I can make towards a routine with my baby? I think I'm the same way. I, you know, I wasn't so much about routines. I started to just do a little routine at night with Zoe very early on. I think it's never

too late to start. And I think just from what I've read, kids really enjoy having routines. So I was like, okay, this is she's gonna like it, hopefully. So what I did was, I think I called it the four B's. So I would remember it. So it would be bath, bottle, book, and then bed. So I would give her a bath every night. And I still do and then would read her a book she would get her bottle and then it would be bedtime and so over time she just got really used to you know okay it's bath time now that means you know we're getting ready to go to bed so that just helped her sleep better and that helped me sleep better so that motivated me so maybe I would suggest you know having a motivation behind it all if you're struggling with routines to be like, okay,

this will mean that they sleep better. So and then that means that I sleep better, and I'm more well rested. So I'm going to give that a go. So all I do is that I still do that nighttime routine. And then I just do like a mini version of that routine before her nap. So I just do a book, and then I sing to her, and then she goes down for a nap. So just so that they know that, you know, this is okay. I have my sleep sack on. I'm, you know, she's reading a book. That means that we're going down for a nap. And then at night it's, oh, I'm having a bath. That means, you know, we're getting ready for bed. And that's, that's pretty much all I do. I love that. Cause I'm a bit like laps with my bedtime routine. And maybe that's why

one of the many reasons why we struggle at night because also I'm like, oh, bath time. I need to be better. I think my tip would be I am just like a chaotic person and I found with the weaning process that every day I was like, oh my God god I have nothing in the fridge like what can I feed him and I actually started to feel like an irresponsible mum because I was like I actually need to get my shit together a little bit better so I do um like batch cooking now which makes me feel so adult and I have these little ice cube trays yeah it's so good so even like you know I'll just put loads of veggies in the steamer and then I'll have like a carrot ice cube tray or a butternut squash or whatever it is sometimes I mix them all together like he loves red pepper sweet corn um cheese and sweet potato and I put them in the ice cubes and so we have a little meal time routine because he has his little um like bib thing that goes on and I give him a toy and then

so he's quite excited once he got gets his bib on he knows like meal time is coming and then it kind of gives me time to prepare his food and then we sit together so I feel like that there are our routines and you're right he does actually thrive because he gets excited when his bib goes on whereas at the beginning he was he like hated it yeah but also I feel like my my final advice would be like don't sweat it too much. Like if you're not a routine person and it doesn't work for you, like as long as the baby is happy and you're content, then just do what feels right. Don't feel like you have to do things that make your life harder. But usually I-

100%. There's so many tips and mom bloggers that tell you how you should be a mom. But at the end of the day you are the best mom for your baby and you know what's best for you your baby and your family so i love that and what a nice way to end and guys if you do have a question you want me or a guest to answer even if you have any like thoughts or feedback on the podcast that you want to share get in touch by emailing askmumsthewordpod at gmail.com. Or you can even leave us a voicemail on WhatsApp.

So the number for the podcast is 07599927537. Or, of course, you can leave it as a review on Apple Podcasts like Rachel did. Minnie, thank you so, so much. I've absolutely loved this episode. It was like better than I could have hoped for. Oh, I love chatting with you. Thanks for having me. And for anyone that doesn't follow her,

you can find her at Own It Babe on Instagram. And thank you so much for listening to Ashley James' First Time Mum, the parenting podcast. And if you enjoyed it, be sure to hit the subscribe or follow button so you never miss an episode. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

please leave us a review and a five-star rating. It helps others to find us and also keeps us in the kids and family charts, which is just so exciting. And I'll be back with another episode, same time, same place next week. Thank you.