Mum's The Word! The Parenting Podcast - The Juggle as an Olympian - with Nekoda Smythe-Davis

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

ACTUAL OLYMPIAN Nekoda Smythe-Davis sits down with Grace Victory this week to discuss her journey into motherhood whilst competing and how she deals with the struggle of the juggle, especially as an athlete. Get in touch with us over at [e-mail]---A Create Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to Mum's The Word, the parenting podcast. I'm Grace Victory, I'm your host for this week. So, parenting this week. Do you know what? Being here in the studio, I've got mum guilt. Mum guilt, I was working yesterday on a photo shoot, I've got mum guilt. Mum guilt, I was working yesterday on a photo shoot, I was in a hotel last night, I'm here today, definitely got mum guilt about not being with the kids. You know, I'm a working mother and sometimes that is hard trying to find the balance and yeah, mum guilt is not the one. this episode is focusing on the juggle between your career and family as well as bounce back culture um which i can't relate to because honestly i haven't bounced back and i won't bounce back i. I'm embracing the mum bod. I am.

I'm embracing the overhang belly for my C-sections. I am. And I rebuke falling into that pressure. I mean, it is hard. I definitely compare my career sometimes and wish I could do more shoots and, you know, more things out of the house. I could do more shoots and, you know, more things out of the house. But, you know, the years of childhood and raising babies isn't long. So I'm trying very hard to embrace them. This week, we have an actual Olympian on the show. Double world medalist Nicoda Smythe-Davis joins us this week. She stopped competing due to a long-term concussion injury and during this time she fell pregnant with her daughter Raya. Like all of us parents, she has been through joys and challenges when stepping into parenthood, especially juggling being an athlete and a mother.

parenthood, especially juggling being an athlete and a mother. We're looking deep into our career and family this week. So welcome, Nicoda, to the show. How are you? Thank you for having me. I'm good. I'm really good. I'm happy to be here. Good. So can you tell us about your involvement with Sporty AF and Female? Yeah, so I got approached to kind of be a part of this, what, you know, they described as kind of like just a sit-down panel with other athletes and AJ Adudu. So I was like, this sounds amazing, I definitely want to get involved. And yeah, we've obviously filmed a couple, there's a few topics that you know were either really important to me um close to my heart or you know things I felt I had stuff to share about and um it was amazing because it kind of was more than I bargained for to be able to sit in a room

with other like-minded females who have been on similar journeys to me and to be able to kind of like share our differences our stories our similarities was just incredible and I remember at the end of the day I just felt I felt amazing and I just felt like I've been seen I've been heard this is really nice and other other people need to see this and hear this as well and you shared your pregnancy story on the show. Why do you think it's important to have these kinds of conversations? I think it's important because, especially when I was going through pregnancy, you know, being the first person in my sport to actually go through a pregnancy and consider coming back. I didn't know much about it so I feel

like we've been sort of winging it and learning as we go along and I think it's important to to talk about it because if other women are considering it as an option now which I don't think a lot of women before were considering that they could have a baby and return back to high level sport yeah then they need to hear other women's stories they need to hear that it's possible they need to hear that there are challenges and these are the challenges but also you know their strengths that come with you know becoming a mother and actually going back to work or going back to being a full-time athlete so yeah so important yeah I never realized it was like rare to have a baby and then go back to like your career. What are the challenges in doing that? So I think initially, especially in my sport,

it's a very male dominated sport. And I think the idea was that you just wouldn't be as good. You can't afford to spend that much time out of the sport and to come back and still be good. And I thought that was the biggest challenge as well, time out. But actually the biggest challenges as well, you know, time out. But actually the biggest challenges, yes, have been the physical side of it

because you've got to get your body back and you've got to get your strength back. But actually the hardest part of it is the logistics. It's the juggling kind of where you need to be at what time. I can't be at training and also looking after little one at the same time. So it's that logistical nightmare of having to like juggle your life um and try to give 100% in whatever

you're doing so if it's that you're at home with your little one you're given 100% there um if you're at training you're given 100% there but I'm tired when I'm at training because I've been up in the night with little one and I'm tired when I'm with little one because I've been training hard so it's the logistical yeah that's probably one of the biggest challenges for me and you are in judo you're a judo what is the actual name a judo athlete yeah you can say judo athlete judoka a judo fighter um yeah so there's a few terminologies you could use and tell me all about your career like how you got started and kind of like where you are now uh so i started judo when i was six years old um a lady came to my primary school and set up like an after-school club and my mum she's sports mad so she was kind

of like yep you and your brother you're going to get involved um and that's kind of how we started the sport and I would say that's sort of where I fell in love with the sport because there was a huge learning element to it as well you know the kind of the background of judo it's a martial arts and you learn Japanese words and you learn you know respect and how to use aggression but in a positive way um and yeah I fell in love with the sport when I was younger and it it sort of just took me on the journey that I'm on now um I decided to go full-time when I was 20 years old so that was about 10 years ago now because I'm 30 now and that was really the decision when I was kind of like oh I think I could make it to the Olympics or I think I could make it to the Olympics,

or I think I could go further with this, further than just this is my hobby, this is the thing that I love to do. And yeah, it's taken me on a huge journey the last 10 years, and yeah, to where I am right now. So you are a judo fighter, and you then fell pregnant what was that decision like um you know choosing to put your career on pause to bring baby girl into the world yeah oh that was it was a tough decision and anyone who knows me knows I'm a planner I I plan things. I feel like, you know, I'm okay with surprises, but I, with, you know, having a child, it was something that I had to plan because in

judo, you work in four year cycles, you work towards an Olympic games. And yeah. So thinking about my career, it was kind of like, okay, in Rio, I'm going to be 23 and in Tokyo, I'm going to be 27. And then in Paris, I'll be 31. And I'm like, do I want to wait until after Tokyo to start a family? Or would I be okay with waiting after Paris? And I kind of made that decision years and years ago that I would try to do it, go to two Olympics. I'd get my medal. I'd retire. You know it'd be perfect it'd be planned out perfect I'd get pregnant as soon as I get back and that would be that but the pandemic obviously had other plans and within that I also had my concussion injury which was you know just six months before the

initial scheduled games so it kind of put me in a really weird spot. And I spent a whole year, so through the pandemic and then afterwards, trying to get back to the sport. And a year later, I was still not back. And I kind of was at the point now where I was like, I can either try again, wait six months and try and go to the Olympics and then consider having a family after that. olympics and then consider having a family after that but i just didn't know physically and mentally if i could do that so when i made the decision to not push on to tokyo me and my partner just had the conversation we were kind of like we're both ready and you know if it happens it happens if it happens in six months yeah if it happens in a year you know we'll be we'll be grateful and blessed whenever that happens and then i fell pregnant within the month. Of course. So it was an amazing shock. And when the Olympics did actually happen, I was 36 weeks pregnant watching my best friend on the TV win her bronze medal. So it was, yeah, it was just amazing.

But that decision did not come lightly. That decision was a lot of thought and a lot of having to let go of that olympic dream for that moment was really tough as well um because that was my life's work that's everything i've worked towards and to not make that goal was really tough yeah and i think for women it is hard to it's hard to navigate that kind of desire for children that's in a lot of us but also your the desire for your career it doesn't end just because you want to become a mum do you know what I mean yeah a hundred percent and what was your yeah and what was your birth like because birth stories I mean I find them interesting but I think they're also really important as well to

talk about yeah yeah yeah I think um in the time that I was pregnant it was kind of I'm gonna call it lockdown three I had a lot of time on my hands um obviously I wasn't traveling the world anymore I wasn't training full-time so I had a lot of time and I just did a lot of research and I and I did some hypnobirthing I took some online classes I did pregnancy yoga um and I really just wanted to prepare myself as much as possible for the big day and I kind of looked at it as um this is going to be like my Olympic day this day this this birthing experience is the Olympic day I need to prepare for it I don't want to walk in class and it's going to be one of the hardest days of my life but you know at the end i'm gonna get my reward sort of thing that's

the kind of mindset i went in with um and obviously you get there and i my waters broke at home and then i went into the hospital um it kind of got a bit hairy towards the end of the pregnancy i had a perfect pregnancy there was literally no issues um but baby was a a bit hairy towards the end of the pregnancy I had a perfect pregnancy there was literally no issues um but baby was a little bit on the bigger side for my frame and they were a little bit concerned that you know I might struggle giving birth and things so there was kind of a bit of panic around this and I'm like do you not know who I am like I'm strong yeah I can do this my body can do this my baby can do this um yes so I held off being induced for a week and then she came on on her own uh my waters broke and then I went to the hospital um and then they kept me monitored

and things and I had a textbook labor um everything sort of progressed as I'd read and everything like that yeah um and it wasn't until we went to delivery that I think well I sort of don't really remember much at that point now I'm a bit out of it but um yeah yeah I think we were just struggling baby was struggling a little bit um with getting to the end of the the labor and so I needed a little bit of assistance at the end I had an episiotomy and she came through um a von Toost um so yeah it was uh not the ending that i'd kind of dreamed of in terms of i had this kind of like water birth idea and she was going to come into the world you know all natural no help yes but ultimately um we did what was needed and um yeah i was just more happy that she was here safely and I needed help so the help was there so uh yeah it was an amazing experience nonetheless um but definitely you know you

look back you're like oh would I have done things differently now that I'm actually yeah I feel like with birth and what I've from my own personal experiences and hearing other people talk about it there's definitely like a grieving stage after birth grieving like what you didn't get just the surprise experience do you know what I mean like you can't really prepare for for birth you can but you can't because it is absolutely wild but I definitely feel like a lot of us go through this grieving um process do you know what I mean? 100% 100% for for a while I was kind of like did I make the right decisions did you know should I have pushed a bit harder to not have been on my back as much or you know should I've been like no I can push her out myself I don't need help with the suction cup or no I don't want you to cut me or whatever it is you know I I'm kind of like

second guessing if I should have made those decisions um and that did take a while that did take a while to get over um as long as well as all the other motions that come with that fourth trimester as well yeah it's uh it's tough it's really tough bounce back culture I feel like is going to be a whole different level for an athlete what was what was the process like with postpartum and I guess bouncing back towards you, being the judo fighter that you are? Yeah, I think I'm very naive. I think I had this idea that you birthed the baby and then your body just snaps back. Your body snaps back.

And, you know, I'd seen other people have babies and they snap back and they didn't have loose skin and stretch marks and this and that. And I was kind of like, yeah, that would be me. you know I've looked after my body my whole life or I've been an athlete my whole life that'll be me but I don't think I really appreciated what pregnancy does to your body and how much it changes it and it's not a case of your body goes back to how it was it will never be the same again um and it's accepting it's accepting that and um I think once I accepted that my body would would never be the same again and actually it's a different body it's accepting that. And I think once I accepted that my body would never be the same again, and actually it's a different body.

It's a body that is stronger now, has been through things. So I think once I dropped my expectation and I just kind of went with it a bit more, it was easier for me to kind of bounce back, I would say. And I just took my time with it. You know, I knew how precious those first few months were, and I just took my time with it you know I knew how precious those first few months were and I didn't want to rush it I didn't actually come back to judo until she was six months old as in I didn't actually step on the mat until she was six months old I just spent time working on myself in the gym where I could um and just taking it really nice and slow

yeah but even that is incredible but even just going back to the gym before judo is incredible because your body like i felt fucked i mean i still i've had two i've had two now i still feel fucked um so even just doing that is is amazing and you were still training up to being like 35 weeks pregnant a lot of people said that because I met other mums as well it was nice to meet mums that weren't athletes as well just regular mums so I could feel normal um and they would say the same thing to me I can't believe you're in the gym and this and that and I kind of like that's all i've ever done so for me that's it's like waking up and having coffee like it's just normal to me um which is what i do every single morning yeah

um you know it's just it's the norm for me like i feel like i can't breathe without training i can't breathe without that feeling so I think for me staying in the gym up until 35 weeks was actually more of a mental thing than it was a physical thing by the end of by the time I got to 35 weeks I wasn't doing much but just to go in there and to feel like I was being productive and to feel like I was moving my body um was mentally the main the biggest thing for me. Do you think it helped with the pregnancy and birth? And then I guess even postpartum, do you just think that it's part of, I mean, it's part of your life, isn't it?

I guess it maybe helped you with your strength and endurance with birth. Oh yeah, a hundred percent. Endurance was the thing I jotted down was, it maybe helped you with your strength and endurance with birth oh yeah 100% endurance was the thing I jotted down was uh it is it honestly it's like an olympic day you know it genuinely is that kind of like you're on this journey and you know as you're getting to the peak of the of the birth it's getting tougher and tougher and you kind of gotta have that stamina and endurance and I do feel like my sport and my athleticism is that the way you say um yeah I felt like it really helped that I was

athletic and I could um kind of get through the hours of labor but I had heard before that athletes um can struggle with giving birth sometimes because we're very strong in the pelvic floor um and in those stomach muscles and the thing that we're not very good at doing is relaxing and obviously you need to be able to relax that pelvic floor um you don't want to be fighting against yourself through those contractions so yeah yeah i had read about that and i tried to work a lot on relaxing my pelvic floor but i I think once, you know, kind of the surges take over, I don't think I was very relaxed. I mean, it's hard. I think that might have made it hard for me given birth.

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What is the plan? The plan. So coming back, I had no plan. The plan was to get fit, to get fit again for myself and then to just see how it would go. And from the concussion side of things, I didn't actually know if it would still be possible to come back. So what happened with the concussion? So end of 2019, I took a knock to the head, not realizing it was concussion during training. And 10 days later, I then took a second knock to the head, which, um, obviously I know now

is a secondary knock and with concussion, that is really bad. Um, basically your brain didn't have time to heal from the first one. And now the secondary knock is 10 times worse. So I entered a kind of post-concussion syndrome where I didn't get better after two weeks I didn't you know normally you rest and then after two weeks you can go back to training right and I couldn't do that basically every time I tried to train I would have symptoms and that lasted on and off for that whole year um and that's what made it really hard for me to come back to the sport and that's what made me right make the decision to not push on

because I'd had brain scans. I'd seen neurologists. I'd gone on medication and I'd tried a lot of things and I still couldn't tolerate training. I still couldn't tolerate judo. So when I first came back after the pregnancy, it was kind of like, okay, physically, I think I can do it. Can I, can my head do it? That was kind of the biggest question. Like could I actually get back to fighting judo? And it was so slow.

Like it just literally felt like two steps forwards, one step back. And I came back to competition when little one was one year old, exactly. And so it took me a whole year to get back to competition. And we're a year on from that now. So she's two years old. And I'm currently in qualification for the Olympics. I think I'm 17 or something in the world. Love that.

I literally can't believe it. Like I say it and it just doesn't feel real. I know I've done it before. I know I've qualified for two Olympic Games before. But with everything I've had to come through know I've qualified for two Olympic games before but with everything I've had to come through this time it just doesn't feel real I just never thought I'd get back here and I never thought I'd have another chance it's different yeah when you're a mum and you've gone through like a trauma like a physical trauma I so I was in a coma after my fast because

of COVID um and then obviously went on to have my second and i've healed and but trauma and motherhood when they're kind of interlinked it hits different you can't actually believe how how far you can come how strong you can be but also how much your body can heal like it's actually insane i i yeah and i've read a bit of your story and honestly i'm just in awe i think it's you know amazing what you've been able to overcome and everything um and i think it's so important to to share those stories um and yeah i still can't can't believe what i've initially been through when i tell people you know i i couldn't even walk the dog without getting

symptoms and the fact that I'm out fighting people yeah on the other side of the world sometimes is insane and I'm also doing that with now a two-year-old as well yeah it's just crazy I saw on your Instagram that you were in San Marino yeah yeah amazing place how was that amazing place San Marino is incredible it's like my little part of my heart lives there in san marino and i've got a coach out there who does technical training with us and we go out there every few months just so we can kind of brush up on some of our technical stuff um in judo judo is a very very technical sport um yeah and when i'm there it just brings the best out of me it really does like when you're in a

happy environment yeah a nice place good food good people um it really does bring the best the best i love that and with being a mother what is your favorite part of motherhood oh my favorite part of motherhood um for me she's at an age now where like she gives me love back and she can say i love you and you know she she has these little moments where she would just come up to me and touch my face or give me a kiss or a cuddle and i just think it's sometimes i look at her and i'm like did i actually make you like i i don't know how you're mine i just i just honestly my mind's just blown sometimes and I probably would say like motherhood is so challenging but every day is different and I think coming from the type of person I was before I had her

was I was a control freak like everything had to be perfect everything had to be in line um you know things couldn't step outside the box because then that might affect my competition or that might affect my result or that might affect my chances going to the olympics and i wasn't very good at change yeah um and being adaptable and she has completely flipped that on that on its head you know you never know what night you're going to be in for you never know what day you're going to be in for when you have a little one so she's really helped me just let go of things in life that i cannot control and you can't control everything as much as you think you can yeah and i think that motherhood really humbles you and forces you to be open

and to see things from a different perspective yeah i feel like children teach us to like let go and let it be like Like the house just looks awful. Yeah. You not showering till 1pm. Like things just go out of the window. And I sometimes think just the best thing to do is embrace it. Yeah. It is chaotic.

Let it be. Yeah, 100%. 100%. But anyone who knows me knows I'm terrible at that. Me too. She really has. She really has changed me do you have any tips for mothers who are trying to juggle work and being a mum yeah I do and I wrote a few things down um I think one of the biggest things I've found is I came back to this sport as a mother with the same mindset that I had when I was an athlete before I was a mother.

And I think that mindset of like, you can do it all is just not possible. You cannot do it all. Something has to give. And I think it's like, for for me one of my biggest tips would be like prioritize prioritize make yourself a list of everything that you think you can do in a day and then slash it in half because that's realistically oh realistically what you can actually do um I think so that was one of my my tips I think and sometimes you can't even do it any of it exactly if your kids are you know if your kids are ill or I don't know the washing machine breaks

sometimes you can get zero things done it's so true it's so true and ultimately like if you just put the needs of your child first no matter what it whatever job it is that you have to do then you can kind of relinquish some of that guilt of I didn't get done what I needed to get done today um and some people won't understand but you actually can't care what they think because they're not in your shoes they don't live your life they're not having to get up every day and look after your kids so ultimately you know you've kind of got to be a tad selfish yes um in that sense um one of my other tips was uh you need to ask for help if you don't if you can't ask for help pay for help if

you can't pay for help beg for help because you need help yes yes i yeah i will pay for convenience and ease and peace again and again and again. You're preaching because yes, I feel like it's very easy to fall into that like mother role of trying to do everything, trying to kind of keep your head above water at all times and actually sometimes you need to deliver a dinner sometimes you need to get a cleaner in sometimes you need to ask for help and yeah so true 100 100 um i think as well like being like this links into just being easy on yourself as well I just sometimes I think we're very hard on ourselves and mum guilt is something I don't think anyone will ever be able to run away from but one of the really nice things I read was like if you have mum guilt you're a good mum because mums that are not questioned whether they're a good mum or not don't have mum guilt

so the fact that you have it is the fact that you're questioning yourself you're challenging yourself you want to be better um so just kind of yeah being kind to yourself and not so hard on yourself and then I think one of my other big things is like having a cut off point each day which is just time for you to recharge so for me it's normally once I've done like the the evening routine with my little one I kind of sit down and relax and my partner always makes dinner for us and that's just such a nice way for me to round off my day you know I'm not slaving in the kitchen making dinner he makes dinner for us then we can sit down and have dinner together um and that's it for the end of my day then I switch off I can put on Netflix I can you know do the things that I want to do before I go to bed

um and being strict with it sometimes it's easy to give that up yeah like 8 p.m doing just doing the washing and stuff yeah yeah yeah because you you want to get ahead of tomorrow but sometimes it just needs to wait till tomorrow and you need to be for tomorrow oh yes that's a sermon okay right we've got a um listener message from jenny on email she says hiya first time i've ever written into something like this but i love the podcast and wanted to hear your thoughts. I've got two little ones. My youngest is 16 months and my oldest is three. I've been back at work for a few weeks now and I'm really regretting it. I'm working what feels like all the time as I'm from home and I can pick things up as and when, but it never seems to end.

Home life is full on and I think being at home full time is really taking a toll. I really want to take a career break for a short time, short time just to get my head back to normal as I'm so overwhelmed at the moment. But I'm a little scared to do this for money reasons and I won't be able to jump back into work at the same position slash rate I am now my husband is the higher earner but he's not a stable income is this the right decision I hope this email isn't too heavy I would be really interested to hear what you think Jen yeah I mean that's I can completely understand where she's coming from yeah i can i it's really hard isn't it to make the right decision it feels like what you're going to do or what you want to do is

going to be wrong and um you know stick to the safety but i think you can't be a good mum if you're constantly overwhelmed and constantly stuck at home working also looking after the kids at the same time which I think she's doing that's just too much um and I would I would personally think okay let's look at the options here can I go into work one day or two days a week and we get child care or my husband can be at home or can we just continue doing what we're doing maybe save so that there's a bit more money in the pot if the husband's work um falls off or can we afford child care because the home isn't happy unless the mother is you know so that would be my advice is to look at options and then decide what works for you but i think working and being a mom is just so tough so incredibly tough and postpartum they say lasts

a minimum two years so going back to work before that, yeah, it can take a massive toll. And I struggle all the time, all the time. Yeah, yeah. And that feeling of overwhelmingness, I don't think I've used the word overwhelmed more than I have done in the last two years, honestly. Agreed. So I can completely, completely relate. honestly agreed so i can completely completely relate um and i think for me she's juggling a lot of plates at the same time which i think is just impossible to sustain and i think i agree with you there of a sense that there needs to be some clear between i'm at work now i'm not looking

after kids so i'm not watching kids i'm now with with my kids. I'm not at work. I think there needs to be that clear boundary between the two. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. And I think then she'll have the mental switch off from the other one when she's in one of them. And then, yeah, just in terms of where else can she pick up support? Is it family? Is it her partner? Is it childcare? To be able to take off some of that load um but also she's got to be willing and she has to want to do that as well not not everyone wants the help yeah but i think it's identifying that the situation i'm in now is not sustainable and what can i do to either alleviate that situation that i'm in or to seek help and uh try and change things a little yeah thank you so much for talking to me it's been a breath of fresh. Thank you so much for talking to me.

It's been a breath of fresh air. Thank you. Thank you for having me as well. You're welcome. Thanks for listening to Mum's The Word, the parenting podcast. Make sure to hit the subscribe or follow button so you never miss an episode.

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