Muscle for Life with Mike Matthews - Book Club: My 10 Favorite Takeaways from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Long-term relationships are a lot like a garden. If you fail to water it (or, consciously do the “right things”), it can wither. The good news is there are easy ways to improve your relationship by adding or changing just a few key behaviors. If you want a practical, evidence-based book that aims to improve communication, conflict management, trust, and intimacy for couples seeking to strengthen their romantic relationship, you should read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. In this podcast, I’m sharing my top 10 key takeaways. “Can you recommend a book for…?” “What are you reading right now?” “What are your favorite books?” I get asked those types of questions a lot and, as an avid reader and all-around bibliophile, I’m always happy to oblige. I also like to encourage people to read as much as possible because knowledge benefits you much like compound interest. The more you learn, the more you know; the more you know, the more you can do; the more you can do, the more opportunities you have to succeed. On the flip side, I also believe there’s little hope for people who aren’t perpetual learners. Life is overwhelmingly complex and chaotic, and it slowly suffocates and devours the lazy and ignorant. So, if you’re a bookworm on the lookout for good reads, or if you’d like to get into the habit of reading, this book club for you. The idea here is simple: Every month, I’ll share a book that I’ve particularly liked, why I liked it, and several of my key takeaways from it. I’ll also keep things short and sweet so you can quickly decide whether the book is likely to be up your alley or not. Alright, let’s get to the takeaways. Timestamps: (0:00) - Please leave a review of the show wherever you listen to podcasts and make sure to subscribe and leave a comment! (7:43) - Try Triton today! Go to https://buylegion.com/triton and use coupon code MUSCLE to save 20% or get double reward points! Mentioned on the Show: Try Triton today! Go to https://buylegion.com/triton and use coupon code MUSCLE to save 20% or get double reward points!

Hello, hello, and welcome to Muscle for Life. I am your host, Mike Matthews. Thank you for joining me today for another book club episode. See, I said I was going to start doing these again. So here I am with another installment. And the book I'm going to be talking about today is The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work. And I chose this book because I liked it, of course, because I've read a number of books about romantic relationships and improving them. And I found this to be one of the better ones. It is a very practical and evidence-based book for strengthening a romantic relationship. And it focuses on improving communication, better managing conflict and building trust and intimacy. And out of all of the things that you can do to improve a relationship,

I think that those form a big part of the core fundamentals that provide most of the results, the 20% that provides the 80%. As an analogy, in fitness, you have energy balance and macronutrient balance and progressive overload and training intensity, training volume, a handful of ideas that if you understand them and you know how to use them, you can gain, let's say, at least 80 percent of all of the muscle and strength that is genetically available to you. If that's all you knew was those fundamentals that I just mentioned and a few others, you could get and stay in great shape for the rest of your life. That isn't to say that you couldn't learn more things if you want to get even more jacked or if

you just like learning about health and fitness. But if you never learned another principle about eating, about exercising, about resting and recovering, again, you could achieve what most people are trying to achieve in fitness. And so similarly, I felt that this book did a good job providing a lot of the analogous fundamentals in creating and maintaining a great romantic relationship. Now, if you are currently dating someone newly and you are still in the infatuation stage of the relationship, or if you have been together with somebody for some time, but you don't have kids yet and you kind of just have fun together, you might not find this book particularly useful or any book on relationships useful. Because if you do genuinely like each other, if you have some

admiration for each other, if you have some respect for each other, if you are sexually attracted to each other, it's pretty easy to have a good relationship when your life is pretty easy. to have a good relationship when your life is pretty easy. But once the fascination fades, and it always does eventually, the relationship can wither if we don't consciously do the right things. And especially when life gets more difficult, when stress levels are higher because of kids and career obligations and so forth. And so the question, of course, is what are those right things? And that's where this book can help. Now, it can't provide all of the answers, of course, and you might find some of the advice in the book just obvious and instinctive, easy for you to do. You just do these things naturally,

but you will probably also learn some new and easy ways to improve your relationship by adding or changing just a few key behaviors. Let's get to my 10 key takeaways from this book. So the first one, quote, in the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just get along, they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. Two, quote, in marriage, people periodically make what I call bids for their partner's attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection,

romance, passion, and a good sex life. Three, quote, in our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples now in its eighth year, we have found that even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct. Four, quote, through the course of their marriages, they had learned to view their partner's shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package of their spouse's character and personality. Five, quote, conflict resolution is not about one person changing. It's

about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other. Six, quote, keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations. Seven, acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage. Eight, and this one is long, but bear with me. I think you'll find it useful. So quote, partings, make sure that before you say goodbye in the morning, you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day,

from lunch with the boss to a doctor's appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend. Time, two minutes a day times five working days, total 10 minutes per week. Reunions, make sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday. Time. 20 minutes a day times five days. Total, one hour, 40 minutes per week.

Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse. Time. Five minutes a day times seven days. Total, 35 minutes. Time, five minutes a day times seven days, total 35 minutes. Affection, kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you're together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. Time, five minutes a day times seven days total, 35 minutes.

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps, unquote for a second. The love map concept is explained, of course, in the book. Continuing here. And turn toward each other. Of course, you can also use these dates to talk out a marital issue or work through an argument you had that week if necessary. Think of questions to ask your spouse, like, are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom? Where should we take our next vacation? Or how are you feeling about your boss these days? Time, two hours a week, total two hours, grand total five hours. And next takeaway, number nine. And let's face it, anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we

tend to focus on what's missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there. We take those for granted. And finally, 10, quote, before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage, accepting influence. That means that for a compromise to work, you can't have a closed mind to your spouse's opinions and desires. You don't have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position. Research shows that getting enough omega-3 fatty acids in your diet can benefit you in many ways, including reducing the risk of heart disease, increasing muscle growth, increasing cognitive performance, increasing fat loss, decreasing

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Well, I hope you liked this episode. I hope you found it helpful. And if you did, subscribe to the show because it makes sure that you don't miss new episodes. And it also helps me because it increases the rankings of the show a little bit, which of course then makes it a little bit more easily found by other people who may like it just as much as you. back to share, shoot me an email, mike at muscleforlife.com, muscleforlife.com, and let me know what I could do better or just what your thoughts are about maybe what you'd like to see me do in the future. I read everything myself. I'm always looking for new ideas and constructive feedback. So thanks again for listening to this episode, and I hope to hear from you soon.