My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 103: KORBEN DALLAS

Episode Date: May 7, 2012

In a continued effort to synergize our product to its maximum potential, we've teamed up with The Avengers this week to bring you the super-est episode of MBMBaM yet. Just don't forget, dear listeners: With terrible advice comes little to no responsibility. Suggested talking points: Avengers Assemble, Life Coach, Karate Court, Dog Dick Limbo, Tempura Face, Customer Creeping, Pizza n' Dippins, Cop Tales, Chris Tucker Impressions, Spaceship Lingerie Football

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, the official comedy advice cast of The Avengers in theaters near you May 4th, 3D and not. Actually, we legally have to retitle the show, my brother, my brother, Iron Man and me. And Thor, and Loki, and Hulk is there, he's up in the mix.

Hulk and She-Hulk, is She-Hulk in the movie? I assume She-Hulk is in it. No spoilers. And Vision, Vision's there. Guys, who's your favorite Avenger in the movie The Avengers? Which scene or Avenger is your favorite? Okay, Jarvis. You mean Iron Man's electronic butler? Yeah. I'm a big Paul Bettany fan. James Bond? Okay. I like Wolfman.

Who's the guy who's always fighting Dracula? Jolly Green Giant. Is he a comic book? The guy who's fighting Dracula? Yeah. The guy who fights Dracula? The mummy? Yeah.

My favorite Avenger has to be Iron Man. X-Men. My favorite Avenger is the X-Men because this is the official show. I would do wish they had sent us a screener of some sort. Maybe to do a little pre-pro beforehand. Because the only Avenger I know is Ra the Sun God. Yep. And he is an Avenger. Are there any others in the group on the team?

I think for a while the guy from the Fantastic Four was one, Lou Reed Richards. What about Mega Man? I think Mega Man with Kid Icarus is there. Are any of these things? And Simon Belmont. Our dad is listening. Our dad, former comic book writer and comic book collector Clint McRoy is listening to this and tearing his fucking hair out right now.

In grief. Snapping his iPhone across his knee, throwing it through a window. Like Bruce Banner's alter identity. The thing. The hide. Mr. Hide. The hulking mass. The hulking mass of strength.

The big guy. The big guy. When we're not watching the Avengers. Which is apparently all the time. May 4th, theater near you, 3D official, comic podcast, co-branding, brand partnership, brand synergy. When I watched the Avengers. How much of that $1 billion opening weekend did we get?

What we got was a free 12 pack of Diet Dr Pepper with the Avengers logo on every single can. Sorry. It's going to be collectible sometimes. Are we talking about DDP or are we talking DCDP? No, this is straight up DDP. No cherries up in this bitch. Just throw it away. Get some grenadine or throw it away. Grenadine, unless you got like sugar free grenadine,

you're going to defeat the purpose. No, sir. You can defeat them. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy, Iron Man. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McRoy. Wonder man? I am Griffin McRoy, the youngest brother. Young brother man.

My 25-year-old friend. Octopus man. Octopus man, that's good. Bubble man. Leaf man. Leaf Garrett, the Avenger. My 25-year-old friend won't grow up. I've tried to impart wisdom and encourage her to pack her bags and move,

but she won't do that without her parents approval either. Help me, brothers. Can I help her stand on her own two feet? That's from Conflicted Comrade. Additional details on this one. She goes on to explain things like when her friend was looking to buy her new car, they had everything worked out, but her parents didn't like the car so she did not buy it

and continues to drive their old minivan and things along that line. So she basically runs all of her life decisions by her parents and then she still and she also like still has curfew and things like that. Oh no. Whoa. Yeah. And has to like check in every half hour. She lives with her folks?

From what I could tell from the email, yes. That would be weird if you had a curfew and you didn't live with your parents. Are you in your apartment? It's 11 o'clock. I'll flick my lights on and off so you can see. I think that anybody who has given over the locus of control to their parents like that, whatever they say is the way it goes, that's going to be real hard to shake unless you're willing to take those reins.

You've got to be the one running your friend's life. You've got to become your friend's life coach. Yeah, you've got to life coach them. You've got to be their Joel Austin and just walk them through some of the big choices. Can I just say like, I don't know that this is helpful, but I never saw this before. Fair enough. I kind of see the appeal of it. Not necessarily the parents, but having some kind of like

safety net like outside of my head conscience that just was with me that I could go, man, I kind of want to buy this new thing. What do you think? No. Okay. It takes all the onus of responsibility off of you. I scoffed at the idea of a bed time, but that wouldn't be the worst thing. Like if I don't get to bed by 10.30, I am totally useless the next day.

So some sort of authority figure. What's up? Were you giggling at the fact that I need to go to bed by 10.30? Yeah, I guess. I went to bed at 11.30 last night and I needed to have a five hour energy drink at one PM today. Griffin, I don't think it is full 12 hours. He just don't even bother. Griffin, I went to bed at 4.30 last night and then I woke up at 9.30 and I'm going to be very funny for the next hour.

Why were you out until you're fucking 38 years old? What were you doing? Well, I don't know. Sometimes I just like to party. Okay. Justin, since I've moved away from Huntington, from time to time, whenever you text me at like, you know, two o'clock in the morning and you're clearly drunk on the town, sometimes I just like to picture you, you know, in werewolf movies,

when the guy wakes up in the woods and he's like covered in mud and he's naked and real confused. That's how I always imagine you the next morning. That's pretty much like that, except I have a candy pacifier around my neck. Pants hung low around your knees. You're asleep outside of stumblers too, still stumbling. Hey, everybody, that's a real bar in Huntington. Come on out. Catch the fever of stumblers too, still stumbling.

If you had a grown folk telling you not to do these things, don't you think your life would be a little bit better? Yeah, it would. Because I miss being able to get mad at somebody who makes me do things still. That you want to do secretly. Nobody makes me do anything. Yeah, right. Oh, I can't come up.

Guys, I'd love to come out and just really see the new band. Man, the rents. I got to call my daddy. Oh, he said no, guys. Hold on. It's my dad, mate. Oh, that's what I call my dad. Yeah, we split the rent.

He covers a lot of it. This is why there gets a certain point of messed up where if the parents aren't going to let go of it and the parents aren't going to push this person out, I'm not sure it'll ever happen. No, I don't think it's that person. I don't. To conflicted comment, I don't think you want to be the thing that does this. No, you can't. That you can't, not unless the parents, the parents have to be a willing participant in it,

especially if the friend is unwilling to. You can't wrench them out. I mean, you're talking about creating an entirely separate sport system that this person may not even want. That's too big for you. That's too much. It's too much heat. You don't want that heat.

You can't handle that heat. And also, if your friend's not pushing back against her parents, maybe she's not upset about the situation. You're looking at this and it's weird to you, but we do all know these people. You know people who are 60 years old and still, maybe not 60, but 40, 50, doting on their parents and completely unable to do anything without the input of their parents. That's how these people get that way. And I know it's your friend. It's sad to think about, but believe me when I say this is why parenting is the biggest thing,

because you can totally do that to somebody and there's very little that can be done. I've got to have some kids. Yeah, and then boot them right out at 18. 18. Go to college. Enjoy the world. Experience things. Call me once a week.

Not too much. Not too much. I'll turn your room into a playroom. Maybe there's a window where you've got to get out. Because to me, this is going to sound terrible. There was no day in my life that I can remember being as exciting as being 19 and moving into my first apartment, like living by myself. Like that's such a fucking insane sea change.

Like everything in your life changes at that point. I think that that kind of change is exciting when you're a fresh-faced 19-year-old, but when maybe even like 25, it's absolutely terrifying. It's not too late, but it's terrifying. It is scary and it's a little embarrassing. I would imagine to be like, how do you get electricity? How do you get water? How do any of those things?

Like when I was 19, I was just calling the mayor. It's like, hey dog, I don't know how to get these things. Can you please help me? Can you bring me some water, please? I'm so thirsty. I'm a citizen. Please come help me. But at 25, it's going to be a tough hold of dig out of, I don't know.

And I don't think that unless your friend is frustrated with their situation, you can't help her out of it, but also make her frustrated with it. Well, the thing is it's like any responsibility. You could look at someone over and over again and say, you need to be more responsible. But until they make that decision for themselves, it's not going to sink in. It's not really something you can explain to somebody and make them want to do.

If they have to come to the realization themselves. If you're whole hog about this and you are serious about it to the point where you want to get like wicked, deep involved, you really have only one option. Just talk to your parents. Don't do that. You're totally right, Justin. You're totally right that that's the only option.

You go right to her mom, mom and dad, dad and say, listen, listen, you two. This is a line in the sand and I'm drawing it and you stay away from Vicki. Please, you're right, but please don't do that. She's my Vicki. If you do, I'll know that that happened in the world. She's not your Vicki anymore. She's my Vicki. Stay away because she is good and she's pure.

And if you try to beat that out of her, I will take her away. I swear to God. I need you to love your daughter just a little bit less. Guys, we just need to help other people. We're on a good tear here. We're on a great tear. You're right. Well, there's a lot of people to help.

God, spread it around. Thanks for coming by our office. Yahoo! Answer is sent in by Diane. Thanks, Diane. It's by Yahoo! Answer's user Jared Ark and Karski and Charski who asks, I got arrested for smoking weed in my court date. Is soon if I come into court in a karate uniform, am I good? Am I okay here?

In what context? Will the judge make my punishment lenient since he knows I do karate? Oh, yeah, definitely. If he knows you've got your karate game right. Additional details. Since they know I do karate, they'll know I do other activities besides chill around and smoke. So will that help or no? Well, it's like an onion, this question.

Now this only works if you do a fashion show. So you come in your karate outfit, I mean you come in your horse riding outfit. This is a hard hat. I do construction things. And also, I'm a milkman, apparently. Someone give me a hammer. Boy, was I ever lucky to get Judge Samo Hung. He's been very lenient about my ghee in court.

Samo Hung was one of the karate guys on Walker Texas Ranger. Yeah, he said go on. One of the karate guys on Walker Texas Ranger. I could have gone for Chuck Norris, but I feel like his... You don't want Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is a hanging judge. Everyone knows that. Is there anything this gentleman can wear other than a suit that...

The t-shirt says I heart judges. Okay, but that's gonna probably not gonna do it. Because I don't think you can wear any shirt that says I heart anything on it. I heart judges a lot. People don't think that's sarcastic. Maybe a Judge Reinhold mask. Hey listen, judge to judge. Are we cool?

Am I good? I've got this Judge Reinhold mask and a karate gi. Are we gonna wave these charges or what? Can we work that into our catchphrase vernacular? Am I good? Anytime you say something terrible or faux pas, just real quick. Oh, shit, am I good? Am I good?

Hey, I came to court in a karate gi. Am I good? So I'm just gonna go. Are you seeing the charges have been dropped? Uh-huh. Am I good? I just chopped your gavel in half. Am I good?

What's that smell? It's not weed. I promise. To what extent does the color of belt that this person has? All the difference in the world. I mean, either way you chop it, if he's got a white belt, he's not going to A, intimidate the judge or B, impress him with the amount of time that he has spent in karate chopping class.

You can get the white belt, blue belt, brown belt, yellow belt, all within like a week and a half if you pay and if you slip a few, you know, extra hundos to your sensei, to your senpai. From what I've seen, if you were to graph my respect for people in the martial arts, it's a pretty steady curve up until you hit black belt and then it branches pretty radically in two different directions, where on the one hand I am, for some of those people, I'm like, wow, really odd by the dedication to your craft.

And then the other people, it's like, just put on, just get a job, just put on a suit and learn how to play lacrosse and please get your life together. It just strikes me as one of those things that in my life, if someone were to say to me, oh yeah, I have a black belt, the next two words out of my mouth are, prove it. Yeah, I don't, I don't know what that entails. I don't know if that's like chop through this wall or fight me or what it is, but there's something about someone making that statement where I'm like, oh yeah, prove it.

But I think a black belt. Chop that horse in half. A black belt is really only a value add to a person when nobody knows that they have it, right? Like if I got a black belt, I wouldn't tell fucking, I would go take my classes in another state, so that people would. What classes? Oh karate classes. Karate classes. And then when I came back and like if shit came down and I like did a chop and a kick

and a man died, then people were like, what? I'd be like, oh, don't worry about it. I would never ever admit the fact that I have a black belt. Spray your jacket to the side and show them just a little like glimpse of black belt. Because if I ever said the word out loud to somebody, oh, I have a black belt, they're going to make all kinds of wild assumptions about me. Right. Which are probably all going to be, they're going to be very true.

But I would rather not be subject to that. Do you think that when you get the black belt itself, it's reversible? In case you want to wear brown shoes? Idiot. So this is why this is your outfit. Okay. You come in the court, you're wearing brown black dress shoes, a black belt, and you have a tie and you go to the judge and you say, am I good?

As you can see, I'm in my formal gear. Am I good now? This is my dress. Gee. Am I good? I have a funeral to go to. I'm going to karate chop the coffin and out. I can't believe you'd hold a karate master here.

You don't know that the lightning you're bottling up here. You can't put me in a cell. I will not be responsible for the damage I do if you lock me in a cell with another person. I'll whittle their bones down and make a key. Like I can't, I can't be responsible. I don't know that karate is the kind of thing that you can do if you're high on that sweet, sweet doja. If you're rockin' doja in the dojo, I don't think that your skills are going to be as

as high as you want them to be. No three puns intended. Yes and no. To the outside observer, you will be very bad at karate. To your own perception, you will be on a fucking kung fu, other plain kill bill style. Parallel, flat to the ground, doing a fucking. It's just like you against the crazy 88s, just losing your mind, chopping off limbs. Mortal combat, fly through the air, bicycle kick.

You're just laying on the ground and rolling about. You're listening to 311 and you're eating Starburst. I just to the point, wait, hold on. I just realized something thinking about this question that has blown my mind so hard that I have to ask it. What's that? Okay. Is it possible that this person asking this question owns a karate outfit but does not

in fact do karate? Oh, I thought that was implied. Okay, great. But that's a, that's a, oh God, what a risky maneuver. Because if you go to court, you're going to be high. And the judge is like. Obviously. The judge and you're wearing your kimpogi and he's like, pardon, like, don't worry about it.

I do karate. I don't just sit around and chill with my boys and listen to 311. Then the judge is going to be like, okay. Well, to prove that, chop all of these boards and kick this man. And then what are you going to do? You're going to hurt your hand. You're going to hurt your hand. You're going to embarrass yourself in front of the man.

And there's a bigger risk. What's that? There's a bigger risk that this judge is secretly a vampire hunter. He'll see your skills and say, we've been looking for someone like you. Yeah. Come into the secret office behind my office. The tinier office under my office. That opens into a large cabinet's office where there's a network of agents monitoring the vampire menace.

So that's one of the worries. You just need to pass this urine test. Oh, oh, no, it says here that you're high now. You peed straight karate. Guys, is karate an Avenger? Karate, man. Karate, man. I'm a 20 year old male.

Last fall I started dating a wonderful young lady. She's 18 years old now and a senior in high school. I couldn't be happier, but lately there's been an issue. She refuses to go to prom. Brothers, I never imagined that I've had another chance to go to a high school dance. This is the last year my state will legally allow me to attend. Oh, that's a fun call to the board of education. Isn't it?

I can't let this bizarre opportunity slip through my fingers. What can I do to convince her that bringing her 20 year old boyfriend to the big dance is a great idea? This is from Bumden Bloomington. Thanks for listening to all our episodes. We're sorry that we're about to offend you so, so very much so that you will never listen ever again. How about you, Bumden Bloomington, for the next five minutes, take off the headphones

and maybe just enjoy thinking about the good times you and my brother and me had together. That's another, hey, hey, are you okay? Are you good? Are you good? Are you good right now, Bump? There's nine different layers of how bad, like high school dances. I don't know that there's a person alive that by their fourth or eighth, if they go to homecoming and prom, high school dance, that you're not just like, I'm fucking, I'm fucking done

with this whole situation. More importantly, you don't want to be the oldest man at a dance. Right now, if someone came to me and said, Justin, I need you to put on a tux and stand in a gymnasium for four hours, also you will be stone cold sober. Oh, no. Okay, you threw that wrench at the end and for a while I was like, that doesn't sound too bad. Yeah, like what? I would give up government secrets.

I would allow myself to be taken into that situation. And not only that, let me throw this in too. All the chaperones know what's up. Oh, they all know what's up. Oh my God, you will never get more dirty looks in your entire life. You're going to have to wear a tuxedo that was worn by 300 sweaty teens before you with 600 sweaty armpits. You are right.

This is, you don't want to do this. You're going to get Omega herpes. That's no good from the tuxedo. That's terrible. You're 20. Please just lie and say you go to the high school across town. Please don't tell them that you're like Matthew McConaughey. Well, I think he's a bit older than 20, but don't tell them that you're like a manager

at the old Navy. And you were just really wanting to see what the whole prom scene was about. I just want to point out, I was making a specific taste and confuse reference. I don't believe that Matthew McConaughey goes to proms. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. To your knowledge.

If he was asked. Yeah. Yeah, I think he would. He's pretty chill. Oh man. Oh man. There's no good reason. Your wonderful, wonderful girlfriend is giving you an out.

And you're throwing it back in her face. And you've got to, are you worried that you're letting her down that she's only saying this because she doesn't want you to be embarrassed because if you go, then the high school counselor is going to be like, so you into that young stuff and then you'll never ever unhear that. I got an FTP login. You can check out. You're going to love my files and folders. Don't go too many trees deep because it gets weird.

Stay out. Stay in the index. Sam, let's just say stay in the index. All right. You find yourself four file folders in. Just start, just don't plug your computer. Just pull this string and I'll get you out. You need Joseph Gordon Levitt to give you the kick.

Unless you don't like horse assholes, get Joseph Gordon Levitt to give you the kick. If you realize you're eight folders in, you need to unplug that computer and set it on fire because the authorities are on their way to your residence. You're going to end up in dog tick limbo and you're never going to get out. Now, as I was saying, that's $15 for one, $25 for a couple. How would, here are your tickets. Thank you for coming to prom. You don't want to go to prom.

Is there any way that this is okay? I mean, if you fully lean into it and go like powder blue ruffled tuxedo and talk about how much better prom was in your day. If you absolutely have to put your dick in that shark's mouth, like what's the best way to do it? The only way you can do it, and I've seen, you've seen this maneuver in so many films and you do have to pull it off. You have to become the star of the prom.

Oh my God. Like, you gotta team up it up. You've got a teen wolf, right? You've got to become the life of the prom. If anybody there expects that you, this tall, bearded grandpa, is there and trying to like keep it discreet? Oh, it's the assumptions. You got a flyer flag.

Because here's the thing. Here's the main point. Numerically, 18 and 20, not that different. Realistically, worlds apart. Well, I mean, I'm just saying like, you could look at it on paper and say like, what's so weird? It's only been two years since he's been out of high school. But there's a door there you can't go back through.

Sure. And that's not to say that you're like something's weird about your relationship. Oh, no, no, no, no. Because when you date a college person, when you're in high school, then you like, you gain those levels, right? Is that how that works? You gain experience. Yeah.

I just, I don't understand why you would want to go into a relationship that trying to convince this girl to go to a school dance she doesn't want to go to. This woman. Not relationship debt and like, real debt. You cost a lot of money. What if she orders the fucking samurai play to hibachi? That's $35. You're not going to get back right down to her gullet.

Of course, she'll only eat the scallops because she's too full. Yeah. And then what do you do with the box? You leave it in a limo? What? What do they do if the hibachi master throws it to Emperor Shrimp at her? She doesn't catch it. She's embarrassed.

Oh, no. Oh, God, oh, God, my face skin. Take me to the hospital. I'm in high school. I don't have any money. Can you get this? I can't. I can't keep a job.

I can't keep a job. Are you good? I can no longer keep a job locked down because of my tempura face. Can you support me for the rest of my life? I'm a wholly uninspiring Batman villain. That's about all I got. Oh, no. You need to get in tempura face.

This looks like the work of tempura face. Everybody here is just burned and breaded. Sorry, bats looks like your goose is fried. I mean, tempura battered. You know. How did you find my hideout? I follow the breadcrumb trail. Thank you, tempura face.

Looks like you've been battered and bruised, Batman. Timpura face. Wait, does Timpura face sign all of its clips? Yeah. That's his. No, he signs his text messages. He's text messaging Batman. He's like, why are you doing it?

Listen, I just keep up with it. Next time I see you, I'm going to zing you with this. If half of your face was battered, would you let Batman see you? Yeah. No. Guys, is tempura face an adventure? Yes. In the crisis on infinite earth, they briefly teamed up together.

Oh, right. Oh, no, I thought that was in the 58, 59 series. How many was it? Actually, it was in the amalgam and tempura face combined with Superboy. I remember that. You often discuss why customers should not ask out an employee, but you never talk about the reverse. Can an employee of a restaurant ask out a customer?

If so, how does one do this properly? That's from wondering in white water. You've come to the right place. Do they? Yeah, don't do it. I don't say that to anybody. No, well, one of us has done this before. Yes, in fact, they have.

Do tell. Oh, God. I did it. How'd it go? I'm not proud. Not well. Worked out pretty well, huh? Yeah, not well at all.

I want to hear every, every solitary detail and I will know if you're withholding. So I was working on a coffee shop and I was waiting on this woman. It was a coffee shop slash bar. I was waiting on this woman. She was with a group of people. I thought she was really cute, but I was too nervous because she was with a group of people. So like after I gave her a check, oh, God, the, oh, God, the next part, please. Okay.

I got her name off the receipt. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, Facebook. Break. Right. No way. Travis.

Oh, no. I know. You got her name off the receipt and then you message her on Facebook. Travis. Yes. Yes. Long story short. I mean, she said yes to a date.

So we did go out on a date. So hold on. When I said Travis, we should do an advice show. How was your response on, oh, no, I could never do that. Oh, no, I made the worst decision ever. Oh, no. I, I couldn't do that and keep and have a straight face. I'm sorry.

It's like when you get caught drunk driving and say you can never be president. It's like that. Travis, when Travis, did she give you- Learn from my failure. Did she give you any indication in the restaurant that she was also craving your wave in a- Yes. Okay. Yes.

So it's not, it wasn't technically stalking. No. There was mutual flirting to the point like where she came over and was talking to me, like left her group of friends and stuff and was talking to me. Yeah. I just was too nervous to do it. And she was like, man, I sure wish you'd just cribbed my identity. Could you take that for me?

Thanks. Did she give you any hints that she wanted to be clumboed that hard? But here's the thing though. You can't knock it because she agreed to go on a date with me. Oh, I can, I can, I've been your brother for 28 years. I can knock it. Don't do it. It's one of the sketchiest things I've ever done.

But I gotta say, but it worked out. Like if it hadn't worked out. Yeah. I mean, it would be a lot harder to criticize if it is gone. The three of us, like together, if you add all of our game up, you'd get like seven. And the, but the scale goes up to like a billion. So, and I'm pretty sure you're bringing six of those points. So I gotta say.

I mean, that's good game. That's pretty good game. That's not bad. It's borderline illegal game, but it's not. What I did? No. It's not the worst game. And then I did buy a bunch of stuff with a credit card number.

But that was after it didn't work out. We only went on one day. She turned out not to be very interesting. Okay. Oh man. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what's more concerning to me. The people who are just going to realize what a ruse it's been,

that they've been taking advice from Travis for these years, or the people who are sitting at home saying, oh, good one. I like that. Thanks. Thanks, T-dog. Listen. You know, my methods. No, you know, I'm not going to defend myself.

It's one of the sketchiest things I've ever done. At the time, I thought it was kind of, oh God, in a lonely way, romantic. It's not. It's not. If you can't ask the person out there and there, don't do it. The biggest problem with romance is that it's often in every way except like the line between that and Creep Sneak is like so thin, right?

If there's a guy outside your window in a trench coat and he's holding something up, there are literally one thing that is a boombox it could be, and then a million other things that it could be. That's how thin that fucking line is. You can have one thing in your hand that's romantic, or you can have a million things where if you're standing outside someone's window in a trench coat holding something aloft, it's the worst. It's the pit.

It's also like it's a really dangerous game. It's, I mean, it's thinner than that, isn't it? Like if you're holding up a boombox, there's really one song that you can be playing on that jukebox, and if you have like fucking C&C Music Factory gonna make you sweat, busting outside of somebody's window, where they're sitting next to the window, like working on their MacBook. And their husbands in the other room. Yeah.

Christine, open your window. If you like pina coladas. This is insane compost. Am I good? Christine, am I good? Here's the takeaway of people listening at home that thought for even a half of a second that what I did was a good idea. For the one time that it worked out, there are 99 other times that she could have called my boss.

You did this 90 other times? No, no, no, no. To the same person. No, I'm saying that there was a 99%, probably 99.9% chance. Oh yeah. That she could call my boss and be like, one of your employees totally creeped my name off of my receipt. Yeah, you definitely threaded the needle on this one.

Yes. So don't do it. You know, if Travis had gotten fired, you know what he would have needed more of? Therapy? Well, money's on. Money. Our first driver is a little thing called Mob Rules. Travis, what can we tell you about them?

Mob Rules is an independent game company. And right now they're working on a project called Haunts the Mansma Cop. And it's a really cool idea. Basically, the idea is you can either be the denizens haunting the mansion, or you can be the intruders that are coming in to investigate the mansion. You can play from either side. You can play single player. You can play multiplayer.

And it's online. But the coolest thing about the company is that they are completely transparent. So basically, they're really up front with their business model. They make all their budgets, sales, schedule expenses. Everything's public. So you know what's going on. So basically, the deal is they want your help getting their game finished. So they're promoting a Kickstarter.

And you can go check it out. It's mobrulesgames.squarespace.com. And you can go and check out the video and see screenshots from the game and everything. But it's super cool. And the video is great. And they seem like really cool guys. And they're giving out free downloads of the game for every $5 that you give to the Kickstarter. So there's some good bonuses.

So if you donate $50, you get 10 codes to download the game. And you can spread those out amongst your friends. Or they even encourage in the video, they encourage you to sell them for profit. So take the code and then sell it for $7 and make $2 off of every code. But they've already raised $40,000 and they just need another $25 to get it done. So it looks like a really awesome game. And the art style is kind of Edward Gory kind of elongated features. Black and white kind of thing.

It looks really awesome. Very cool stuff. Very Brody-esque, wouldn't you say? It's Brody-esque. Like something Adrian Brody would make? Yeah. Oh, Adrian Brody has a long face, I meant to say. Oh, I see.

They have Brody-esque features. Yes, I agree. They're very Brody-esque. How come Adrian Brody's face is so, so long and Adam Brody's is not? What's that deal? Let's all ponder that while we donate to Marble's Games. That's a really good question. Marble's Games.com, right, Trev?

That is correct. That address will take you to their page where all this contact information is. And go kickstart that. Go kick it. Yeah, man. You guys are a fucking force when it comes to kick starters. We got crazy, crazy soap funded. We can do a cool looking game.

Come on. And the game really does look awesome. Make sure you check out their video. It was really well done. And it looks like it's just going to be super cool and super fun. So make sure you check it out. And then talk about it on Twitter because the game, they're hoping to be finished with it in October.

So make sure you're chatting it up and getting them some buzz. Because it's awesome to see independent games coming out, especially when they're really up front about everything. It's like four guys making, you know, making some art, making a product. So support them. Man. What's wrong, Griffin? My nipple clamps just broke.

Now, Griffin, I told you to stop going to Smiling Joe's discount bondage here. I don't know how many times before you'll have to spend your money on substandard bondage here before you're going to make the jump up to the big boys. I mean, they're basically selling you chip clips. I got a, yeah, I went there. I bought a vibrating pocket pussy. And you know what happened? What is it?

It was way too big. Couldn't fit it in my pocket. Also very large provided. It's very little pleasure. The problem was you didn't have it in R.E. Vox vibrating pocket pussy. That's the itch. That's the thing.

Yeah. That's the problem. That's where I went wrong. You went to get a rubber cock ring there and only had three snaps on it. Don't even trip. I know where it plays. We can get five snap cock rubber cock rings. Yes.

It's extremestrates.com back for another co-branding synergy. The official bondage gear of the Avengers in theaters May 4th. They have everything you could possibly want. We of course did a promotion with extremestrates.com a couple weeks back and whatever we do at ad like this you can go to extremestrates.com use the coupon code middleist and you can get 20% off of some things that you did not know existed my friend. Can we can we talk about the power of the money. Here's the power of the money zone.

I know some things that some of some of you guys bought. I don't like obviously have anybody's names. I just have a list of totally anonymous. Totally anonymous. I have a list of things purchased with the middleist code and it it really makes me so happy because you know what I see people who aren't afraid to experiment a little bit. To get it. Just get it.

Your bedroom stuff is boring now. Everything you're doing all your old moves that you used to do to wow him or her. You might as well be doing the Charleston at this point. You gotta you gotta innovate your sex life with electricity and I mean that literally because you can get a Zeus electro penis sheath and a Zeus electro penis band because these are things that people bought with the middleist coupon code. You guys are the fucking best. You're the best people do you want to are you trying to live the chassis lifestyle.

Oh they've got you covered extremestrates.com. They've got so many cages for your dick you'll think it's Shawshank redemption up in this piece. It's amazing. Yeah they got everything you need extremestrates.com. Middleist is the coupon code. It's of course all delivered so discreetly. When I met Andy Dufresne I thought that's a penis. What's that penis doing in jail.

This is is that a good. That was a great Morgan Freeman impression. That was really good girl and I feel like I'm watching the Arch of the Penguin. I like anytime that we can say electro penis sheath and Morgan Freeman. Just two dicks standing on a beach two old friends carving up a boat. Thank you extremestrates for continuing continuing to support us and thank you guys. Just be our sponsors forever. Thank you listeners for just experimenting and finding your own sexual way through the forest of pleasure.

And here's the thing the other thing is personally I love the people at extremestrates. Yeah they're really cool and they really get it. James who contacted us he's been our appointment on this and one of their employees who runs the shipping station in the warehouse it blew her mind to hear us talk about extremestrates on the show because she's a huge fan of MB and BAM. So even the people that work there are awesome. So Ali thank you so much. You're awesome.

Here's what I want. Here's what I want from extremestrates.com. What I want is for and maybe we can start emailing back and forth on this. I would really like for one of the items to be made in our honor. I would really like maybe it's can I put some I don't I don't want somebody to email me with a picture of a product called like Griffin's mouth. Like that's not what I want. Brother loving that is exactly what I would want.

Maybe it's the water waterproof turbo glider vibrator. You know maybe that's it. And you want to rename now the the mobim bam stick. The mobim bam stick for pleasure. Go to mobrulesgames.com go to extremestrates.com and show these people say to them hey MB and BAM sent me and and and I'm here to support you. I'm here to support you because I I those guys don't sell me no jive. And oh fuck I'm gonna have to do a song.

This is gonna be a good song. I hope so. Let's see what we got. We got ghosts. We got sex toys. I'm gonna pick up the face a little bit. Looking deep into the dungeon. A ghost approaches from the south.

You're playing haunts which is programmed by mobrulesgames. But don't don't fuck Griffin's mouth. Even though it'll cause you pleasure to your penis. Pleasure to your brain. Pleasure to your butthole. Extremestrates will make you go insane. With pleasure. So thank you mobrulesgames.com extremestrates.com visit both of them.

Let's get that kick started and um I'm and let's get that dick started. That's fucking getting started. Hard and wet yeah 2012. We're gonna move on and I'm gonna do how about a yahoo answer. It was sent him by Katie Bartholomew. Thank you Katie. It's by yahoo answers user lumpy space princess who asks. I ordered a pizza 45 minutes ago and it still hasn't arrived.

Should I call the police? Is this a person that thinks they've been defrauded? Either that when you order a pizza either online or on the phone the moment that you place that order that pizza is technically your property. You know what I mean? If you pay online with a credit card it's your pizza. So if they keep it from you then it's stolen and you have to call. I watched that um when I watched that bar fill on the Domino's Pizza Tracker.

All I can think about is like okay Donna be careful with my pie. It says you're putting it in the oven right now. Please be gentle. Baby gloves. Sometimes I want to call and just I don't want to just be like hey baby gloves. I can watch you do everything on my computer. I know what's happening. If I please put the pepperoni in concentric circles.

It will say Donna dropped the pizza on the floor. I'm gonna beat the tracker and I'll know. She picked the hair off it and looked around to see if anyone saw. The internet saw Donna. Is it possible that this person is worried about the safety of the driver? I guess because I do know that those people come under come under crime. Oh my god they're like census takers. I've had a pizza delivered by Nathan every day for the last six months

and he's not here yet and he's always on time. Also I think something's gone wrong. I also need police to help me get out of my couch because I've eaten nothing but pizza for six whole months. Here's a real conversation I had on Friday. Hi I ordered a pizza and it said it was gonna be here in 20 minutes and it's been 40 minutes so what's the deal? Hey listen man super slam full moon you know how it goes.

We'll have that out to you. Wait a second. It was a bunch of werewolf pizzas going up the door. Plus there being people go out onto their balcony, look up, see the beautiful super moon and say hey that looks like pizza. The moon has hit my eye like a big pizza pie. That's what I need. Call up Papa Giorno's.

I like any professional business person that uses his phrase. Listen man super slammed. Super slammed all of a sudden. What's that phone call to the police gonna sound like? We got a real emergency over here man. Ma'am ma'am please calm down we just need an address. I know I know you ordered an extra zesty ma'am. That's please stop crying ma'am.

Here's the problem. The police don't show up for 45 minutes. Who do you call then? A priest. The Avengers. Well listen if I order a pizza and it takes 90 minutes to get there it's a good thing the police will be there because there will be a suicide and it will need to investigate my suicide.

This looks like another pizza related suicide. Another pizza side. This is the third this week. Oh no. He was so looking forward to the crazy bread and pesto sauce and cheese dip and he was getting pizza in wings with dip and he none of it. None of it followed through. He's he obviously was eating cheez-its because there's an empty box of cheez-its

that his hand is stuck in like poo, bear and jar of honey. So it wasn't a hunger issue. He was just super boned out for pizza and dipped. He was definitely snacking. Did you guys see that somewhere in the Middle East I want to say I don't know because I'm not sure of the countries that are over there but the there's the the pizza that's over there are putting cheeseburgers in the crust. There's you guys see this.

So there's pizza huts east of us somewhere. They're putting cheeseburgers. Somewhere to the east they're putting like full-sized like adult adult-sized hamburgers in a crust. No. You got to imagine like it's a cheeseburger stuffed crust. Yeah. Okay so like there's a ring of dough

and jammed into it are. It's it's a mini cheeseburger. It's a it's a suck-a-tash of cheeseburgers. It's yeah a mishmash of cheeseburger gobbledygook. It sounds like something I would have invented at my most board and or you're most depressed. I looked it up and I got really into this idea like man I have to try it. So I was I was cruising over to the there was one sample by a guy named Arva Ahmed for the

for the serious eats.com and he checked out the pizza and said if I took the antinom of delicious strapped it into a rocket and blasted it 20,000 light years away I may begin to get close to my experience with the burger patty. They also have chicken tenders. Does it Japan have pizza with hot dogs in the crust or are we doing that too now? There's nothing that upsets me more that this is going on and it's not in America. Like is there an area we haven't fallen off yet and could like Oh I don't know Justin.

We haven't made tacos with snack chips as the shell away. We definitely have done that. I guess that's pretty good. Those last they have a half life a freshness firmness half life of about 13 and a half seconds from the moment that meat touches shell touches three I want you to know that I've just pictured you in a lab coat and glasses with a clipboard and like a montage of like timing the tacos yeah eating a taco in a centrifuge like oh god it's separating oh god I've separated now it's just a taco and Doritos like a normal fucking thing wait can I get the Doritos can I

get the Doritos loco taco with the Doritos on the side I actually would like I would like to start buying bags of Doritos that come in taco shell form that's where I just want to start there I just want to cut out the middle man by which I mean the fillings and eat the the shells from a bag can I do that um you can you can you can do anything in this beautiful country of ours can I stuff a pizza crust with Doritos tacos and but then do a double decker sandwich kfc chicken sandwich where the yeah this each it's a pizza each pizza is a crust and also inside instead of a patty there is a blueberry pie but what's in the blueberry pie Jasta what was the question can we call a police for pizza crimes

oh I'm not sure they have jurisdiction unless they're pizza police there is a separate branch right that's what law and order was about yeah the three branches of government it's a legislative executive judicial and pizza delicious I can't I can't what's that ma'am they forgot your dipping sauce done done done yeah I should I'd probably watch that show guys yeah supreme pizza court justice okay sure I'll allow it uh after almost a year and a half of background investigations medical and psychological examinations and mountains of paperwork I'll finally be starting police academy this July police pizza police academy or just a regular police academy probably you gotta work your way up to pizza police academy just and you don't just

start uh I'm very excited to finally be starting my career in law enforcement I've already started running every day and mentally psyching myself up is there any advice the brothers McElroy can give me that's from soon to be po now we have a little experience in this arena because one of our dearest podcasting friends is james gowdy who's of course a police officer in the beautiful uh UK so um what do you now over there they don't have crime which is yeah that's the big not to say that he has an easy job of it but no there's no guns in in all of Europe so right no guns no crime as far as I have seen he has to fight criminals that are using trebuchets um what do you guys want from your police just be can you just be cool

just be cool like don't pull me over because I don't have a front plate on my car I didn't know don't bust me for skateboarding on the rails at city hall because this is sickest grinding in the city don't shoot any kids that's a good place to start I I love police officers but I don't think that there is a profession that has moon like one bad apple kind of yeah reference right yeah yeah absolutely do you know how many cops they taste to ruin the cop reputation in town like one guy who drives around just shooting his gun out the window yeah a pretty much almost without incident every time that I've ever been brought under the long arm of the law the guy's been totally decent about it because it's like usually if you're busted for a crime and you're a white person living in America

you know what happens you know what you can follow the trail from cause to effect and you right that line gets a lot harder to weave if you're not a white white person of some of some means in America but uh like for me I I'd know what I know I'm never again the time I got pulled over for going I think like 23 miles over the speed limit um and the dude was really cool and he was like I'm gonna write down that you're going 19 miles over the speed limit because if you were going 20 or more it's reckless endangerment and I'd have to take your license away and I was like thank you so much and while he was writing the ticket I called our dad and I was like hey dad I'm getting this ticket and he was like is there any way to talk your way out of it and I was like

the dude already cut you like going to jail the biggest solid ever yeah I'm I'm gonna say I'm good on this one and just take take it take take the ticket and say thank you very much and then cry on my way to Cincinnati um one time I was pulled over coming back from a road trip and I was by myself and this sounds like it would happen in a movie but I opened my glove compartment when he asked for my license my registration I opened my glove compartment completely forgetting that I had left a fifth of whiskey oh good in the glove compartment and it literally tumbled out like comically like a scene from a really bad prequel the dumb and dumber not that there's more than one but you could tell that the cops saw it and then just decided that his day would be a lot better

if he hadn't seen it he just sighed and like rubbed his his nose yeah his eyes let's all pretend that didn't happen let's pretend I didn't see that I mean it's not like I'm a lush it just I it seemed like a place to put it it probably been there for for weeks driving is stressful you know you gotta have some way to gotta relax just got unwind out there when I was uh with my group of friends uh uh at Bonnaroo and we got busted by uh drug enforcement officials for having at Bonnaroo yeah what I gotta say goes all the way down wasn't guys wasn't mine straight edge to the limit no hardcore straight edge who's that wrestler CM punk I'm like CM punk basically through and through wasn't mine okay but it was happening around me I tried to call an adult there were no adults to

be found I tried to call a teacher or a parent did you snatch out of their hands they like hey don't do this you're better than that and what happened and that's what rolled up holding the bag literally the bag was full of sweet doja but they were really cool they're like let's just hey let's just fill out some paperwork this might be because they were at Bonnaroo and it was probably the three thousandth ticket that they handed out that day where our pad is empty we're down to the cardboard we're just gonna write on the cardboard I owe you one ticket yeah yeah it's like it's like it's like it would be like writing people a peanut shell littering tickets at Logan's roadhouse Texas style roadhouse it's exactly like yeah yeah it would be like uh it would be like

handing out pizza crime tickets to somebody who spilled a little bit of parmesan on the floor you know it's like cool it guys take it easy do you want to hear my favorite interaction with the cops I shouldn't I think they prefer pigs with with the popo with the bacon with guys come on they're wonderful people kill them all occupied in college my friend TJ was standing outside of a house party but he was drinking out of a red solo cup which is like you know it's like a red flag to the police like hey I'm drinking yeah nobody drinks juice or milk out of red solo cups exactly there's only one case in which you drink out of a red solo oh this it's it's oval team yeah and so TJ at the time was 19 and so the cops roll up and they look at him standing in in the front yard

and they're like excuse me son how old are you and he looks right at him he goes I am I am 19 officer and they said are you drinking tonight and he said oh no officer not only am I underage I'm the designated driver and they said let me see that cup and they take it and they step it and they said son there's alcohol in here and he goes what they told me it was punch okay why would my friends do this to me and the cops were like it's okay sir just be more careful next time he said thank you I guess they're not really my friend god cops are so fucking dumb stupid idiots so I guess just be smart apparently and you'll be ahead of the game be a lot smarter than most I mean we can just assume that this guy is a fucking paul blart idiot dummy

if he's even gonna be if he's interested in this vocation stupid moron stupid sorry if you can't understand our jokes fucking we'll slow it down for you have fun hanging out with Mahoney yeah fucking and high tower cops and michael winslow I think I can't do this to you uh this y'all who was sitting by Earl Parsons thanks Earl it's by y'all who answers user Gabby who asks what do I say when I touch his dick I want to be confident should I say something like OMG it's big or should I say that or what after and after I touch it what do I do it's like seven inches so that's why I would say it's big you just gotta look at him and say nice nice nice good one bro ah sweet dick

that's like the sweetest dick do start it out with OMG whatever you say OMG I love this hog is there any words the first time that you see and touch the genitals of a person that you're interested in there's no words you can say right you just gotta all I can think of is things you shouldn't say you gotta get to business like you just gotta get the the the highest compliment you can pay genitalia is immediately going to town on them because if you say like just smacking it around even so even something as innocuous is like oh wow like you're gonna sound like it's like preschool teacher or something like that like you gotta get an old star yeah you gotta start just like grunting just like just like touching it just like just like flipping it rubbing

and like just like punching it touch it and like whisper I'll whisper to it blow on it blow on it wink at it give an eskimo kisses but you're like it's the fifth element and you don't know exactly what activates it maybe it's butterflies fire water you're not exactly sure what the doll is probably not fire gonna go ahead fire fire fire is Chris Tucker there mm-hmm maybe there's probably a bunch of quotes you could get from fifth element to say when you see the penis come on now it's multi pass come on now can you that's what you do you light some candles turn on some sade and then you light some candles you pop some some shamp some bubbly and you sit down you kiss softly gently you pull pull those

pants down you pull those underpants down and you look and you bend down you get real close to it you know come on Dallas into it they just did a study that is um if you do an impression of Chris Tucker it's impossible not to sound racist they actually they actually worked that out just now with some research oh science research I know it's it's too bad what if it was like a really bad impression of Chris Tucker well I I don't know yours was so good it's mine was flawless but what if it was like Corbin Dallas could you couple it with a really bad impression of Jackie Chan oh man no because that one will be racist I don't have a good my Chan is my Chan game is weak Mike yeah it'd be something like

and he got one syllable out when we got shut down can we not I'm but can I beep that out yes you can beep that out oh shit dude you really could you just say like what's that what's next what's up what happens now am I good what's all this fuss what's all the fuss about where's the other one I don't think that one's gonna play you don't think that one's gonna work I'm worried that this person is young because they said OMG and I once you turn like 14 year on to say OMG anymore it would be I think a baller move to be like a 40 year old woman and be like OMG yeah that's actually Travis that's the worst

I'm what some might call a milf who's ready to go to Cougar Town let me see your wiener take out that young wiener ah Corbin Dallas I'm from Sydney Australia and soon the LFL the Laundry Football League is coming to town is that a bad choice to take a girl on a date too that's from Guy hey yes it is all right good night everyone yeah it's a pretty bad choice but is it a bad choice to take a grown mature thoughtful woman to it as a date uh pretty much any grown mature thoughtful woman that I've known in my life is going to be livid at the idea of the existence of a Laundry Football

League what's you know what I kind of am that's I okay I don't want to I don't want to cast dispersions but I don't think that this is going to be the kind of sports entertainment that I'm looking for do you know what I mean looking for it what are you what would you say you're looking for I am looking for a a robust athleticism and I don't and I don't think would you settle for robusty I wouldn't I wouldn't I like to keep my sports game and my boner game totally on opposite ends of a it's a hundred foot high wall what I don't want to start what if you start associating um shoulder pads with arousal that's gonna make for some awkward locker room moments when you're the intramural season fix back it's the thing that's the lingerie is the key

my key complaint because you can't really get you can't tackle anyone nobody's ever been tackled while wearing lingerie I feel like you know it's there's no protection it's negative protection there's gonna be burns there's gonna be bruises and breaks and bumps Griffin would you be more inclined to watch a lingerie football league if the teams were coached by hologram of the late great Vince Lombardi I mean probably Travis would I be more entertained by it if it all took place on a spaceship is that like what if when you went to it you got a million dollars for free would I be interested in going

yeah probably what if while I was there they gave me uh pizzas with lasagna inside the crust yeah travel I'd probably be down I would probably be down with that if oh just by going my vertical leap gets a foot better yeah I think I could probably get interested in going to something like that oh I can live forever because with these LFL tickets I'm sure I'm glad I bought these Jesus is back everyone sure I'm glad I went to this lingerie football league game this event sorry sweetheart you'd be stupid not to come with me to this LFL game they let you replace your parts with cyborg parts bye forever got jet boots

stupid so that's why brother my brother me it's a vision for the modern era thank you so much for listening for whatever dark purposes you have for doing that just like Loki in the hit film the Avengers uh so many people tweeting about the show this week uh brian xvx new convert rm king death panels ham doctors of course hack on peter's field mr stevo d nacho nova this is pretty good uh micacho vickness mic heart you everybody thank you so much for tweeting about the show just use the mbmbm hashtag and hey if you want to maybe tweet on a link to our sampler it's bit.ly forward slash it's my bm

I want to thank Extreme Restraints and Mobbables Games go to both their websites it's just their names and then a .com after it I also want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh go get it and make it your ringtone so that every time people call you you can spread the word yeah and um thank you to our maxfun family as always for having us if you don't listen to the other shows in the maxfun network you should correct that immediately grab jordan jesse go bullseye stop podcasting yourself judge john hodgeman and uh and so much more our new friends throwing shade is there more maxfuncon tickets available or those all out now

I know there were there were I don't know we're gonna be in LA hanging out at maxfuncon in june and there may be some tickets uh I think you just go to maxfuncon.com right is that where they the I don't know I don't know man I'm not I'm not like an internet you're not like a wizard I'm not really an internet guy this final yahoo was sent in by steven sweet thank you steven it's by yahoo answers user julius who asks where can I buy the 2004 movie catwoman I'm just a macaroy I'm travis macaroy I'm Griffin macaroy this is my brother my brother me kiss your dad keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart three stacks these girls are smart play your part