My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 104: I Hate You, Ron

Episode Date: May 14, 2012

It was a pretty momentous week, wasn't it? We know you're expecting to hear our erudite evaluation of recent events, but we can't do that for you, because we're not erudite, nor are we "news people." Suggested talking points: Independence Gay, Expiration Date, Raccoon Chocolate Heist, Gosling Party, Kara-okay, D for Nachos, Prom Noise, Tumblr Dog

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era, a historic week indeed. We now live in a nation where our president, Barak Hussein Obama, has declared everyone is gay. Yep. What's so funny, Travis? No, I'm just, I was so excited. That was a laughter of excitement. It's a major sea change. His announcement was so monumental.

I just like, I turned, I turned to all my friends and I said, today, we are all gay. And then we just started scooping it. Bottoms up, if you know what I mean. I said today is the day we celebrate our independence, gay. It was so strange, because I was in a room with a bunch of guys, and what was previously a comfortable gathering of bros hoisting and watching the news together, there was suddenly so many layers of sexual tension. You just put all the dicks in the middle, made a dick octopus. You were in a news bar? I was in a news bar. No, Travis, I was having my Thursday afternoon just news hoist, just a bunch of bros hoisting a few bros and watching the news.

Bros and news, I call it. Bros and news, I call it. You do it after legs and eggs, the landing strip. So welcome to the first episode of My Brother, My Brother Me, that is completely 100% gay. I'm your oldest, and by extension, gayest brother, Justin McRoy. Is that how that works? I'm the middleist and gayest brother. I'm Griffin McRoy, I'm your youngest brother, and Tatum and Eve, you guys. Whoa, Griffin. I didn't get hit. You're a federal outlaw now. I'm in the middle of Texas, the wave didn't reach me here. The sonar pulse that he sent out. It sounded exactly like a debarge record,

which I thought was very strange. You just feel to the beat of the rhythm of the night, just pulsing throughout the entire country, and it just flipped. It flipped the layer. I thought I heard, I had my windows down, but again, I'm so far away. I thought I heard all things just keep getting better by wildlife. Like, I thought I heard wildlife. I thought I heard the wildlife wave crash against Austin's shores, but didn't make it through Hill Country. Too much obstruction. Yeah, Griffin, yeah, it didn't get all the way. The only effects there is Griffin is dressing really well now. That's the only thing.

Yeah. Oh, I look great. He looks fantastic. You're fit. Tan looks great. Just prefers ladies still. So why don't you guys go over to, why don't you guys go listen to Throwing Shade? They're probably going to have a lot more informed opinion. They're probably going to sound a lot more informed. Probably going to sound a lot less stupid when they talk about this thing, but congratulations. Congratulations. Just everyone, except for people who hate

homosexuals and anybody sort of anti-LGBT, in which case, go fuck off. Yeah, you suck. Yeah, you suck a real hard. Goate shit. And I say that now, deep down, the conviction of a man living a gay life. And I now hate those people. I don't think you know, like, I don't think you know a gay means. Because I don't, like, you're married to a woman. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that you, that you, that, presumably, you love. It's a federal law, Griffin. I'm not going to throw it in the face of the authorities and say that I'm straight. The president doesn't just, like, come out and say stuff like this on a whim. Right. That's true. He did polling research. He's selling things. Things were signed, Griffin. Yeah, yeah. There's, there's significant policy coming, but no, there's, there's,

oh, there's not. Never mind. Next, next question. The first question. The president did polling research that I wanted to research polls. He knows what's up. He has, he called up, he called up Joey Lucas. He's like, Hey, how do we feel about gays today? We cool? Am I good? Joey, are you there? Hello?

Oh, you're fictional. Fuck. Unpredictably, the president's gay polarity beam actually gave her her hearing back. So it's a big, yeah, it's a big day for her. Hey, that was the first episode of season eight. God damn it. God damn it, Obama. When are little lies okay in a relationship?

My husband is very loosey-goosey when it comes to adhering to best before dates and hates wasting food. Sometimes when he's at work, I throw things away and tell him I ate it. Am I wrong? Um, before we, before we address the bigger question here, your husband is right and you are wrong. Best before dates are there for a reason. They wouldn't put that date on there.

If there wasn't something bad that happened after that date, you shouldn't keep it in the house. No, no, then, then she's right. Oh, then you are right and your husband is wrong. Yeah, yeah. That's, that's no, if, no. Sometimes just to be safe, I'll go like three days before. Mm-hmm.

No way. Because it's not, it's not an exact science. There's no way they can pinpoint the date. If so, they're pre-cogs. That's a bigger problem. You're cobbling your systems. Your system needs that bad stuff trying to hurt it or else it's going to get, like, it's like attachment parenting right now.

What you guys are doing is attachment parenting for your immune systems. Justin, why would they put a best before date if it wasn't bad after that date? I'm sorry Travis, are you going to let, they want you to go to the store and buy new stuff. Are you going to let Big Dairy tell you when you can eat something? Are you just going to eat it? You know, yes I am.

In this circumstance, Big Dairy, you're in control, big buddy. Your body knows when something is bad. If there's a bubble in your system. Yeah, and you know what's important to my body? My eyes and my brain that look at the best before date. And my brain goes, you got it, bro. I have a carton of buttermilk that I bought solely to make biscuits about a month ago. And it is best before day is May 1st.

I'm pretty sure if I crack that bad boy open, it's going to be dumplings. I'm afraid to look in it. You're afraid to touch it. I'm afraid to make biscuits itself. No, that's right. I don't know, like, I'm afraid to touch stuff once it's past the date, let alone consume it with my mouth. So, a panel of three experts, two against one, Travis and I win.

Fair enough. The second issue though is that, how do you want your husband to look at you when he comes home from work and you're like, hey, you remember that, like, totally gnar hummus that we had? Hey, hon, I ate all the ranch. You're like, I'm not sure if I should eat the hummus because it looks kind of gnar. It's got a face now, like, yeah, I totally consumed it. I don't even know how you break it up in conversation.

Hey, hon, how was your day? Oh, mine was pretty good. Just you groping on a bunch of rotten food. I just ate, like, a tub of sour cream that did not begin as sour cream. Yeah, just grub it on rotten food like that makes you so proud. Well, this is what I picture him coming home and going to throw something away and opening the trash can. And it's just full of, like, salad dressing containers, you know?

And he's like, honey, what is the meaning of this? Yeah. Just slamming some Caesar. Don't worry about it. I saw the Thousand Island and I just couldn't stop myself. I'm a growing lady. Your husband loves you. He shouldn't want you to eat rotten food.

Well, that's how you got to pitch it to him, right? So that he doesn't get upset. You got to say, listen, I knew you were going to eat that totally gnar hummus with a face. Like, I knew that when you got home from work, you were going to take your coat off. You're going to say, hi, honey, and smooch me on the cheek. And then you were going to go dip into that gnar hummus. And I didn't want you to hurt yourself. So I jumped on that grenade for you.

I think that's the answer to the question of when our little lives okay for their own protection. But then he's going to start thinking you're some sort of fucking superhero because you're like, baby, that hummus had hair. Like, you ate it and you're totally fine. He's going to think you're a fucking Rasputin or something. What if you guys are ever locked in a prison of rotten food? He's going to be like, well, no worries. That's your manna.

You love that. I know that's your jam is the rotten food and rotten. Otherwise you've just been lying to me all these years. And I can't believe that because you love me so much. Don't lie to him. Go straight to his face and say, hey, Doug, if you cared so much about wasting food, then you should have eaten that hummus before it got so rowdy. Like you owe it to me to not have rotten food in our house.

Just eat it all next time before the date. Just don't lie to him. This is 101. You're trying to save him from eating rotten food. I feel like this is the moment for education. Not deception. Educate. If he's a grown ass man, he's had plenty of time to break this habit,

and he hasn't. Some dudes are big dumb animals when it comes to this kind of stuff. And it sounds like your husband is one of those kinds of people. And that's fine. Maybe you just got to let him get like really, really rawchiria. Let him eat all the totally rowdy hummus. Let him eat that meatloaf that you guys made six months ago. Let him eat that wheel of cheese that looks like the fucking necronomicon.

Like let him eat all of that shit. And then when he gets totally blasted down there. When he almost dies from it and claws his way back from the edge of death, just look at him and say, hmm, looks like we've learned a little something here. Leave the lid off the trash can. And when he gets home, just say, okay, Doug, I put rotten food in our trash. If you love it so much, then you go over there and you eat that trash food.

You pull it out of the trash and you eat it. Get it. Pull it out of the trash like an animal and you eat it. Otherwise, get over there, raccoon Doug. Go to town. Otherwise, go to Kroger and buy some new hummus. Here's two dollars. Go buy some fucking hummus, Doug.

Two dollars. Now go replace the eggs. I threw them away. They smelled like bacon. They were hatching. They were hatching and I don't want chicks in the house. Draw a line in the sand somewhere. Man, the whole food thing was ruined for me by taking food handling courses

and watching like the danger zone videos. Oh my God, everything is the danger. Unless your shit is like cryogenically vacuum sealed. Yeah. It's in the goddamn danger zone. It's like if it's not above 120 or below 30 degrees, it's bad for you. It'll kill you. And it lasts, that best by date is pretty liberal.

Yeah. Your food, once you take it into the danger zone, you can't take it back out again. You set off a timer and that timer is like 15 minutes. And it was always like, oh, the food didn't touch the counter, did it? Oh no, danger zone, throw it away. Yeah, because raw chicken touched that counter once 12 years ago. It was a night like this over 12 years ago. So that counter's done.

Got to get new counters. I had an odd experience with expiration dates this week. My lady, my wife, was craving some chocolate. So I said, hold on, I got a secret bag of Linder truffles that I keep for just such an occasion. So I go get the bag of Linder truffles and she pops one in and it starts eating it. And then she gets this weird look on her face and she picks up the bag and examine it.

Apparently the best by date was in 2010. Oh no. So they were a little, you know that weird like when the chocolate gets white and you're like, oh man, I don't know what this is all about. So we go and we throw the whole bag out. Today, I see that something has gotten into the trash and scattered around our trash can is like 15 individual Linder truffle wrappers.

You're saying outside of your house. Not like Sydney's snuttin' down in the middle. No, no, no. There was some raccoon sitting outside of my house last night or something. Individual. Oh, I shouldn't, but I will. Oh, it's going to go straight to my hips. Oh, treat myself.

Oh, Michael, you ring-tailed kook. You bastard. Those don't taste good. Trust me, I'm a human. I know. Griffin, do we get a yahoo this week? We got several. I just want to just luxuriate in this mental picture of a raccoon sitting

sort of Cheshire Cat style with his legs crossed. I mean, can they open? They must be right. They're opening wrappers. He probably does the thing where like he puts it in his teeth and holds one end and like pulls it out. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's definitely two raccoon operations.

No, no, no, no. Bob, get over here. I need you to help me crack this. It just became twice as adorable. They opened my trash can lid and left it all around. When Sydney and I went out this morning, the first words out of my fucking stupid mouth were, you think it's a bear? Yeah, it's a bear.

It's a bear that takes the lid off your trash can and individually opens chocolate. What are you on here? I'm a bear. It's blue. Is it possible that you just have a neighbor who saw you carrying the trash out and saw like the lindor bag through the white trash bag? And they're like, I'm getting on that after they go to bed. I'm going to tear it open, make it look like a raccoon did it.

That looks like a pretty full bag of troubles all there. The perfect crime. The thing I steal is going to give me rock and rea. It's the perfect crime next to a neighbor. I don't see why you had to come out naked with a tail tape to you and dark circles drawn around your eyes. That seems like a lot of verse and militude, a lot more than I needed. Next time, just ask and I'll give you the old candy.

Yeah. Guys, this y'all who answered was sent by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's by Yahoo Answers user Kaya who asks, does Ryan Gosling party? So I guess this is kind of a complicated question because there are a lot of different angles here. Like, does he like to party and is down for whatever? Or does he just do something like smoke weed slash cocaine?

Or maybe just smoke weed when he's tired? Please only answer if you really know. Oh my God. First response from Ryan Gosling. Yeah, I'm down for whatever. Hey girl. Let me get those digits. I'm high right now.

Why do you ask? I have to imagine that Mr. Gosling can party. He probably party. I think he has the capacity to party whether he chooses to or not is the question. I bet he's really straight edge actually now that I think about it. He's got to stay fit. He was in Half Nelson and he was played a drug addict teacher and I think he saw that and I bet he was like when he got into the role and he got out of it.

He was like, I can't mess with that shit anymore. That's beneath me. Yeah. I bet he goes to parties that are way below him on the social level just to bring them up a notch and I bet he just stays for like 10 minutes, doesn't drink total straight edge. Apparently. Think of this baller move, right? Ryan Gosling walks into your fucking high school graduation party where you've all stolen beer

from your dad's liquor cabinet or whatever and Ryan Gosling just walks in and everybody goes, oh my god, is that Ryan Gosling? And he just looks around and goes, oh, I can't believe you guys are drinking. It's totally not cool. Get straight edge for life. And then he leaves. After that. What are we doing?

I've recently learned by recently, I mean the past minute and a half, I don't think party means what it did when I was younger. In my day, if something said a party, the only requirements were A, somebody turned up the jock jam CD really loud and B, the invitation said till question mark. Those are the two ingredients for a party. I don't think that that is what this person is talking about. Now, once you turn the jock jams up really loud. Crank them.

I mean crank those jocks. Once you crank the jocks, like what's the next step there? Because I'm envisioning you at a party that you're hosting, you put in the jock jam CD. Which volume? Jock jam is the volume four. The one that has the we will rock you. We are the champions. Slam a jam a ding dong.

I imagine that the next step within is to open the front door and wait for people to arrive. Yeah. It's basically like every party you had before you before alcohol, where you have 20 kids in a basement, jock jams going. Jock jams going fucking eating cheat pizza. And then everybody looks at each other and says, I thought this was supposed to be fun. I don't get it. I've seen my parents doing this for years.

How are they making it so enjoyable? I don't understand. Let's leave it 10. So what is partying you mean now? I think it's like doing drugs. It's like drugs. And that's not partying. That's falling asleep.

No, no, no. Oh man. Travee. You are old. I am old. It's it's it's like fun drugs. It's like party drugs. And then you do them and then like sometimes you rub up against someone.

It's I don't fully comprehend it either. But I've watched a lot of party of five. What kind of fun drugs? You know, like uppers and downers and perkeys and zanos. I would say almost by just by the meaning of the word, I don't think downers are fun drugs. You take them with uppers and then you you're just kind of normal. Okay. It's not a good way to spend your money.

Shroomers, dippers, acid, leaves. Sweet, sweet dust, ladyfingers. That's not a real one. Power powder. Gummy vitamins. Special lemonade. Regular lemonade. Ring pop dipped in cocaine.

Needles, baggies, dimers. And that's all the drugs that there are. Big 25 H Hams Hams. I had a fun experience with Ryan Gosling this week. I was playing the this is a brief diversion into video games. I promise it's worth it. I was playing the beta of the new dungeon crawler torchlight two. And you can only play that online.

So I went into some strangers. I had to pick some strangers game to join so I myself could play by myself. And the game I joined was hosted by Ryan Gosling. Was this gentleman. It was this gentleman's username was Ryan Gosling. So I said, OK, that looks like a good game to join his any. So Ryan Gosling joins and he finds me. He tracks me down in his game world and introduces himself as Ryan Gosling.

I say, OK, hello, pleasure. And then he and I had proceeded to venture around for a while. And after every we fought a large enemy, he would always compare it to a scene in a movie. And it's literally like we would be like a large giant boss. And he would say, God, look at this place. This reminds me of after I stomped on that guy's face and drive. Now, Justin, I'm sure you've already thought about this,

but is it possible that that was Ryan Gosling? The only thing it was definitely Ryan Gosling. I mean, it's definitely Ryan Gosling. The only thing that made it hurt his credibility a little bit was that he introduced me to his ferret named Zac Efron. And it occurred to me then that if he could name a ferret, Zac Efron, then maybe somebody else could name a character Ryan Gosling that wasn't Ryan Gosling.

So that that's what that's what kind of ruined the illusion for me. I bet that's what Ryan Gosling does with his time, is he just plays online, online Dungeon Caller role-playing games and just like eats zanis and does needles. He drinks special lemonade. Hate the HMs real hard. My friends and I are planning to go to a karaoke bar in the near future.

I want to participate and avoid being that guy who sits in the back refusing to have any fun. There's a girl I like who's coming as well, so I wanted to know what song we best do. And this is in quotes. Sing. I love this metric. I have go for it.

I have a higher voice similar, but not nearly as good as Jason Maraz, if that helps. It doesn't. That's from Thunderwaffle. Okay, first step. Never compare yourself to Jason Maraz ever again. Second, you got to get a new karaoke name. I don't think Thunderwaffle is going to take you.

That's the step one that I can tell you. Get a karaoke nom de mic. Justin, what was your karaoke name? My karaoke name has been for the past decade and is still Plenty Pack. And what was yours? Jeff Pepsi. And mine was Encyclopedia Brown. You got to get a handle for your performance,

because that allows you some distance. It lets you, when I inhabit the character of Plenty Pack, then it's a role that I'm playing. I'm more in touch with the music. Man, as far as song choice. Oh, I can help you out there. Yeah. What you don't want to do is go for what you think is the funny choice,

right? Because you've got those guys who get up and do, I would do anything for love, but they can't sing, and it's a really hard song to do. There's a lot of wrong things you can do when you're picking a karaoke song. You can pick a song that you think is going to be funny. You can pick a song that you really like, and oh man, that's just going to be the worst for you.

Like, I did Birdhouse in Your Soul at a karaoke place once. I was like, oh, that's the best song that's ever been written by anyone. Not a good karaoke song. The best karaoke choice, I think, is the song that you would claim to like ironically, but you actually deep, deep down like it. It's going to seem like an ironic pick, like you're picking it as a goof, but it actually is pretty kick-ass.

Here's an example. Get out of my dreams, get into my car. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. We're like, that seems like a funny choice, but man, you get that four on the floor, everybody's into it. All night long by Lionel Richie.

Yeah, see, that's a good, that's a good jam. I like that. Oh man, we're just doing Rocky Horror. All the all the bait he can handle for literally any Michael McDonald. Michael McDonald is a great. Like it's going to sound good no matter what. And it's also important. Don't pick anything that's a bummer.

Like I know that that's pretty obvious, but you get those people that get up there and they're performing for themselves and they're ignoring the fact that it's like a bar full of people. And suddenly the whole evening drops down to like a candlelit sadness party. They decide everybody hurts and now, and they're going to inflict it on you.

With this song, everybody hurts. Exactly. I would caution you, pick a song that you know the words for cold. Like you have to know every word to it. You do not, you cannot rely on the screen because it might, it might fritz out. You might get distracted. The words might be.

It might have the wrong words on it. Yeah, that's I've. And you also don't want to be like glued to the screen the whole time. You want to be able to kind of like do it. And in this world, there's smartphones that connect to YouTube. There's no reason not to like put in your song and then hop on YouTube and refresh the words in your head. So like, you know the song before you get out there.

Because I also guarantee that the first like 10 songs you're going to pick in your head have one moment in them that has a string of notes you can't hit. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's the thing. You got to look at the song as a whole and not be like, okay, I really know the chorus and I can do that.

And don't be afraid to just like stop singing and say, is everybody having a good time tonight? Yeah. Because that usually works. And have a, have a like a pocket full of candy like Jolly Ranchers that you need to throw into the audience. And if you can get one guy to stand behind you and pretend to play in inflatable sacks,

I think that really ratchets up the level. And then find the appropriate moment to take your shirt off. And I find that the audience just loves that. And then pull out your, your, your rec penis and just like hit it against the microphone a few times. Yeah. That's how you win, win at karaoke. Karaoke.

The ancient art of embarrassing yourself. That's the other thing. I'm really glad that you realize the fact that you don't want to be the guy that doesn't participate. Because that's, that's one of the most frustrating things for me when people go to karaoke and they're like, oh no, I don't really do it. And like, do you see those people up there?

Like no one's up there winning American Idol. It is, it is tantamount to sitting at the end of the pool. Like while everybody else swims at the pool party. Like nobody's going to remember if you get up there and do a shitty job. Everybody's going to remember if you, if you don't do it. Yeah. In fact, I like people to get up and do shitty jobs more because at least they don't fucking care.

At least they're just doing it to participate. I love that. And read the crowd too, because sometimes you might just want to punish them. Sometimes you might just want to make them pay for some of the songs you've been subjected to. You got to remember it's not about you, even though everybody does sing karaoke because they like attention. The only way you're going to get it is if you're,

if you're wanting the party to start. You want people. I think that's unfair. That's an unfair assumption to make about everybody, Justin. Because when I say, like when I, when I sing karaoke, it's because I want to give, like I want to give my gift. Sure, right. It's like I want to share my gift to the, with the world, you know?

Right. Your self-absorption has gotten to such a terminal case of it that you have to give it away. You have to give it away. I know they want it. Your viral load, your viral load. I know they want it. I got it to give.

Don't give it. You have such a viral load of self-confidence that one compliment sends it spreading a pandemic like to every surrounding country. I just blow it. You know what makes my heart want to sing? Nope. Money.

It's beautiful. Let's get out of the money. Griffin. Yeah. Have I told you about the Aldous Project? You haven't told me anything about anything. I've taught you. That's not true.

I've taught you so much. You taught me about the, you're, you told me about this one time you were talking about hunting down the entire family of Alan Alda. Yeah. Is that what, is that what you're referring to? No, that is not the Aldous Project. It's closed. The Aldous Project is 366 drawings for good.

It's a year-long project by artist named Christie Motarelli. It's two-fold. One, it's a personal challenge to create 366 original drawings in as many days. And she also is raising money for three of her favorite nonprofits. 826 International, the Scherke Foundation. It's just, it's like 26 national. They don't, they don't give a, they don't give a fuck about other countries.

826 National, the Scherke Foundation. I'm taking a shot in the dark pronunciation like that. Sherrach. Sherrach Foundation and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. Said all those words right. They look out for sea sheep, of course. Each original drawing can be sold for $100 with $25 going to the buyer's choice of the three charities.

And there are no additional fees of any kind, including shipping. Well, that sounds awesome. That sounds awesome. That's gonna bring in a big buy. 366 drawings a day. That's one drawing every day for the year. Yeah. I see one.

And where can people go to learn more about it, Juice? It's the Aldous, it's thealdusproject.com. You know, thealdasproject.com to learn more and buy one of these paintings. And I would suggest you do because they look really cool. One looks like a bunch of bacon held up by sticks. So I love it. I love this painting. Like a bacon fort?

I never get art. And finally, someone made a bacon fort and I'm there. I'm in it. I'm in it. You're in the bacon fort? I'm living in the bacon fort. Sometimes when I put my penis in a cage, I refer to the cage as a bacon fort. Okay.

Your penis in a cage? Where do you find penis cages at this time of year? Well, I used to try to make them. Not gonna lie, but that's very difficult. It's hard to do, welding, blacksmithing. I just leave it to the trained professional experts at Extreme Restraints. ExtremeRestraints.com. You know what?

I've been thinking I should go there because my butt plug doesn't stretch my anus in a way that's pleasurable to me anymore. Yeah, again, at this point you've already done all the stretching you're going to do. Your gauge is too high now. You got to keep upgrading. I have to keep upgrading to get that pleasurable spread that I enjoy. The main problem I had when I went to ExtremeRestraints.com is that everything seemed to be 20% out of my price range.

Oh, I'm so glad you brought that up, Justin, because I can offer you and our listeners a deal that for this week and any time that we mention Extreme Restraints on the show, we can give you a 20% off coupon code. And it's just middleist, you know, M-I-D-D-L-E-S-T, middleist. And you get 20% off. And even on the weeks when we don't talk about Extreme Restraints, if you use the coupon code middleist, you still get 10% off your entire order. It's a great coupon.

And listen, your sex life is boring, whether you know it or not, unless you have already bought, you know, electrodes and lube and a glory hole. Is that a thing? I don't know if you can buy a glory hole. Well, listen, I think you just find one in nature. You're gay now. That's going to take up a lot. You're federally gay.

You're going to need a whole new flotilla of sex toys. I don't, I guess. Yeah, definitely. You can't use your old stuff. I guess you don't really have a, I don't know the utility of a pocket vagina. Right, what do you mean the utility? We got a lot of complaints last week, because I said pocket, and then the P word that people use sometimes to describe vaginas.

But I think that's like the clinical name, right? That is the name of the product. Well, I'm not going to say it anymore, because it's dirty or wrong, but that I apparently have like a child's intonation, and people, it just takes people the wrong way. When you say that it's great incubators. You know what? Do yourselves a favor and go check it out, and it might surprise you,

even if you wouldn't consider it to be your kind of thing. I think it would surprise you the kind of things that they have there. What's the URL again? It's extremestraints.com, and make sure to use the coupon code middleist to get 20% off your order. Don't go to extremestraints.gov. They make you go to Guantanamo. It's terrible.

It's a terrible website. You know what's not terrible though. What's that? Vigigames. Love them. Travis, have you heard of any cool ones? I have. There's a new project from the guys at Mob Rules Games,

and we're working on Haunts the Mansma Cobb, and we talked about it last week. And since then, you guys have been doing so good, donating to their kickstarter. Basically, they're looking for $25,000 to help finish their game, so they can get it released by October. And it's a turn-based adventure game, and the art style is like Edward Gory, Edgar Allen Poe-ish.

It's awesome. And it's just an open-source, independent gaming thing, and it's amazing. And the guys there are super cool, super great. Go check out their kickstarter. What is the kickstarter at right now? It is, I think, $7,876. Okay, not bad.

We got to pick up the pace though. Yeah, so they're almost at like one-third. There's some time left to donate, so it's not too late. And make sure if you do donate, make sure in the comments you tell them that MBMBAM sent you, because that way they know that they have us to thank, that it's all on us, because we're awesome.

I always get to this point where I want a chart, I want a highest level of pledge where they have to name the game after me. How high do you think they are? I think if you gave all $25,000, you could probably make that happen. Yeah, I don't want it to be Haunts. I want it to be Justin McRoy's Haunts. Justin McRoy presents.

Maybe not so much like a turn-based adventure horror game, but like a platformer starring you. Yeah, right. And you got to collect all the candy. It's Justin. It's Justin, the game. The Skittles adventure. Where is my MBMBAM iOS game?

Why is no one developing that? Come on. It's a good question. You just invented it just now. Somebody kickstarted it, or something. That's at mobrulesgames.com. And the donations on that Kickstarter start as low as $5. And for $5, you get a copy of the game when it's done.

It's a great deal. Yeah, and that's the low end. If you kick it up to like $25, you can get your name in the credits. Is your name in the credits anything else? No, it's not. No. You haven't accomplished anything. This is your chance to accomplish something with your life.

This is your big shot to make. Fuck up. Fuck up. So go on, you fuck up, go to mobrulesgames.com, you'll see a link to the Kickstarter, and just click it and fund it already. Your parents are proud of you for the first time ever. For the first time in history, you're such a disappointment.

Somebody once told me your art is kind of old and boring. You got to get some new art. Your art's got a shelf life of about 24 hours. So you better replace that art with new art. You can go to thealdisproject.com and buy a drawing every single day. That's thealdisproject.com. Send some money her way. Hello there, my name's Graham Clark, and I'm Dave Shumka.

And together we host a podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself. This is a file that you download from the internet, and then you listen to it in your pod. What's that about, you ask? Well, who are you to ask? Who do you think you are? Yeah, get lost, bozo. We're a couple of stand-up comedians in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada,

and every week we bring a guest on the show. Sometimes they're Canadian, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're a ghost. It's like you're sitting in on a friendly afternoon chat. Plus we're Canadian, so you get a tax break. You can find us on iTunes or online at maximumfun.org. I just finished my junior year of college. My spring semester would have been satisfactory.

A's and B's. We're not from a miserable D. Getting a D is depressing. At least your spelling's on point. For many reasons, I've never gotten below a C in a class, and now I have to break the news to my parents who are generously paying for my college education. How do I tell my parents,

and how do I bounce back from this academic misstep? And that's from a dumb person. That's my, it says, quote, that's my new name for myself. All right, stop right there. That's what you gotta stop doing, first of all. Everybody gets D's from time to time. I got a D in home economics in middle school. I got a D in earthquakes and volcanoes.

Yeah, because you know why? Because I don't give a shit about, we had to make nachos, and I did a bad job. Hey, there's a D. You made bad nachos? I'm not an idiot. I just made a fucking nachos mistake. You know, I disagree, Griffin.

I think if you can't nail down nachos... It was my first time taking a stab at nachos. So, like, sorry, we can't all be like fucking nachos geniuses. It's like nacho Libre. Nachos idiot savants. Like, it takes some time to ramp up to nachos. Anyway, you fucked up. But guess what?

You're not a dummy. Right. Because you get good grades all the time. If you got bad grades all the time, then you'd probably be a dummy. Hear that, bad grade people? Can I, let me fill this out. Maybe don't tell your parents?

They got to, they're gonna send them a report card. They don't send them a report card, it's in college. Don't pretty sure they don't do that. They do, yeah, they do. They'll send a note if you're failing, for sure. You're not failing, you got a D. Yeah, maybe you're cool. Just go to your parents and say, hey.

Fucked up my nachos, don't worry about it. I'm an adult now. Look at my brother Kevin. You guys messed that one up. He's a jerk. I hate his guts. So what, I got bad geometry. Hey, let's not make this about Kevin.

You're right. All right. Everything's always about Kevin. I, at my school, when I was in college, in my major, there was some rule, like if you got below a C and a major score, she had to take it over, which always frustrated me as to why they even offered grades below a C, if that was the case.

It should just be A, B, C, and then nope. And then do it again. Yeah. But like, if you're talking a gen ed course and like you got like a D in chemistry, great. You're never gonna use that in your philosophy degree. Yeah. Sorry, guys.

I use like one fifth of the things I learned in college. Yeah. And most of it's like how to roll a doobie, you know? Just how to do some agents. I was at Starbucks the other day and I got a, you know, a Vinty drip and they're like, that's $362. And I had a $5 bill in my wallet and I gave them the $5 bill and then they used their register to figure out

the exact change and then they gave it back to me. No maths involved. All I needed to know was my coffee preferences. One further, in college, I had to take a botany class. Cool. Like in what way am I using that now? That would actually be handy. That would be handy.

I'd like to be able to identify some of the plant life around me. You know what I can do now? I can be like that's a tree versus a bush. And that over there, that's a flower. That's the, that's your, those are your three metrics, depending on the size of the arbor. Right. No, that was pretty big.

I'm almost certain that's a tree. Going to go with tree. Oh, it's a house? Fuck. Shit. Damn, it was big though. I didn't take house array in college. It was big and I had green on it.

There's no such thing as a permanent record and your D doesn't matter for shit. Yeah. You never go into a job interview and you're like, well, you're totally qualified and looks like you have excellent references. Oh, it looks like you got a D in home economics because you made bad nachos. We're going to have to just, we're going to pass.

To what point, to what age in your guy's life did you operate under the assumption that somewhere there was a Manila folder with your name written on it that just they transferred from school to school following you around for your entire life. I gave up on that junior year because I went into the office and I needed something from like a high school AP course and they couldn't find that information.

And I was like, you sons of bitches. You don't know me. You don't know shit. You're not tracking anything. I do. And so since then I've left no paper trail. You're going to feel off the grid. I'm off the grid.

I've been so careful until this show. And that's how the mafia found me. Coming out this summer, the trial is not a good story. It's boring. It's really bad. It's about how I owed $30 to the college library and they wouldn't send me a diploma. That's true.

It did. It seriously doesn't matter. And like there's a reverse side of this where if you bust your ass getting like straight A's like I worked really hard in college and I graduated cum load and like I like to this day, do you know how many like Benny's that's gotten me post grad? Zilch. Zip up.

Zilch. As long as you come away with the knowledge, it doesn't matter how well you test on it. As long as you pass the class and know your shit, that's all that matters. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's a reason why in the hit Tim McGraw song

live like you're dying. He doesn't say skydive and Rocky Mountain climb and study my algebra until I did real good at it. And then there's that verse where he's like I've burned up all of my books except for my Bible today. Jesus take the wheel. That's a good carrier. Take all of my books.

I can't read the road signs. Jesus didn't learn. Teach me how to add. Jesus balance my checkbook. Add a net subtracting escapes me. I don't know how much to tip Jesus. I still don't know what taxis are. Guys, this is the answer is sent by Kristen McMurt.

Kristen McMurtry. Thank you, Kristen. Maybe work on that last name. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Maria who asks how loud is prom music? How to prevent ears from damage. This may sound weird, but I hate loud music and I am scared of it damaging my ears.

I have prom next week and I don't want to be the weird one with big ear protectors on. I have never been to a prom before. So I was I have never been to a prom before. So I was just wondering if they play the music really loud and if so how to protect my ears. Okay, I have known madam. I have known you for all of one question.

The ship has sailed on being the weird one. Thank you. That is that has passed you by. I have you guys ever listened to T-Pain or T.I. or I-Pain at like a reasonable level of volume? Like a smooth jazz undercurrent level. Yeah, like quiet car radio, you know, taking a bubble bath with your iPhone speakers,

like that level of sound. No, it's not. It's non-listenable. Your ears actually cannot detect it. It's like a dog whistle. And I guarantee that if I went there now, I think the music was really loud. Oh, I am old.

Oh yeah, you're really old. What if, what if you did just wear big headphones and you were listening to your own music and dancing to that? Oh, you just could call me maybe on repeat. Oh, that sounds like my dream world. Fuck. You know, right? So good.

Pop it, pop in your skull candy and just, just listen away. Let the, let Carly Ray Jessup just take you off the dream town. I'm going with you, Carly Ray Jessup. Fly me to the moon. Can you be the person at the prom who goes up to the DJ and is like, Hey, can you, can you maybe turn it down just a little bit?

Like we would play like some Chicago something just like a little easier. It's not an unreasonable fear. Your ears are like tiny little rings with like a thin layer of saran wrap. And if that saran wrap breaks, guess what? You're deaf. You can't hear anymore.

That's how that works. I'm a little more worried about the pregnancy. Like there's so many more dangers at prom to be concerned about that. You're worried about your babies. No, no. Despite what Arnani told us growing up, rock music doesn't make your ears pregnant.

What I'm worried about. Yeah, I know. What I'm worried about is the underage sex. Yeah. There's sex at prom? Yeah, like in the bill. Is that where it's happening? I, I mean, the grinding was pretty hot and heavy in 2000.

And fuck, when I graduated 2005, sorry, everyone. I'm a baby. Like I can only imagine how things have escalated because they've escalated in literally every other way. And if the grinding was like super, super gnar when I was, when I was 18, like now that I'm 25, I bet you it's,

I bet you people are just like getting their dick started right there on the floor. And side note, this is a weird transition, but I can only imagine it's another good karaoke song. Where did that come from? You're literally the worst person. Like of all, of all people. You are the worst.

I can only imagine how to read. I can only imagine where Mexico is. I can only imagine how many branches of the government there are. Jokes on you, there's only one. It's Jesus. He's got the wheel. He's my judge. I used to have it for Barack Hussein Obama yanked it out of his hands

and started steering his own, his own ship. He's my Supreme Court Justice, majority whip, and president and commander in chief. And my king forever. This Yahoo was sent in by Liana, which was sent to her by her friend Keith. So thank you both people in this arrangement. For the second hand, Yahoo.

Many, many botans died to bring us this Yahoo. So let's really enjoy it. It is asked by Yahoo Answers user Geoff who asks, is it okay to draw on a dog with magic marker? Sometimes when my stepdad Ron grounds me, I'll write messages on my dog. He is white with washable marker and send him downstairs. Just little messages, like if I need food,

or about how much I hate my stepdad Ron. My mom said it would make the dog sick. Is she right? So many more problems with the best stepdad name ever is Ron. Got some dog mail for you, Ron. Fuck off. I hate you, Ron. I hate you so much.

Come here, Mr. Perkins. What's it? Ah, man. It really helps find it. That hurts my self esteem. I'm trying so hard. That hurts my Ron esteem. I don't like that one bit.

Can you give me the question while we're talking, Griffin? Is it okay to draw on a dog with magic marker? Sometimes when my stepdad Ron grounds me, I'll write messages on my dog. He is white with magic marker. Just little messages, like if I need food, or about how much I hate my stepdad Ron. I'm imagining like a Yorkshire Terrier,

like bounding down the stairs, running up to Ron, and it's like a message on him, like, hey, Ron, I smell that chili. What the fuck? You're such a bastard. I'm super hungry. He's got a message for you, Ron. I'm a dog.

And also the person asking this question is 32. Yeah. God damn you, Ron. Now listen to me, Sparky. I want you downstairs. I want you to find Ron. And I want you to just wiggle in front of him. You got to make sure he reads this.

It's important. I've been trapped under this bookcase for two weeks. I got to get some pasta up here. So hungry. Also tell Ron, fuck you, Ron. If Ron wants to rescue me, don't fuck clean off. I hate Ron. Thomas said to my mom,

and ask my mom if he's back with my fur roll-ups yet. I sent her to the store 20 minutes ago for fur roll-ups. Oh, Mr. Perkins, you look kind of sick. What happened? Oh, is it the markers? So you get your skin? It's you or me, Mr. Perkins. Maybe you learn how to talk English.

Stupid dog. Poor Ron. What a fucking sick word. He's just trying to watch Extreme Hill makeover. And just all of a sudden the dog tries to run. It looks like a drawing of a knife stabbed in an arrow that says Ron. This is you, Ron. This is what I want to do to you.

Look at the dog. Oh, Jesus. It says, I love you, Ron, on my dog. Oh, he rolled over. It says, no, I don't. And he says, fuck you, Ron, again on it. And it says, chill. With an arrow towards the dog's penis.

Tyler, I thought you were going to come pick me up from work. Did you not read the dog? I said, fuck you, and fuck your job. I'm not going to pick you up. And also that we were out of eggs. And also we're out of eggs. Did you tell mom? I wrote it on the dog, Ron.

What else do you want me to do? What else do you want me to do? I can't, I can't force the dog to stand in front of you all day. Please just read the dog. You used all the paper for your stupid novel, Ron. Yeah. How's that going, Ron? You're going to, you find a publisher yet?

I'm, I'm. In this economy, Ron, you might as well self-publish your stupid shit. Can we? Put it on Kendall. I've got a, I've got a Tumblr dog. Where I just put messages. Why can't you get a Tumblr dog? Can we make it a new law?

Sort of like in Game of Thrones, when you, if you're a bastard, your name is Snow. Can we make it that when the second you become a stepdad, your name becomes, it just becomes Ron by law? Legally, legally speaking. I now pronounce you wife and Ron. It's not even, it's not even your name so much as like, like Earl is like an honor, a tile, but his name is not Earl. You're officially like the Don of this house.

You're Don, Ron. You're the Ron. You're the Ron. You're the Ron Don. You're the Ron Don of this. Fuck you. I am, I am Ron. Ron, you can fucking eat a dick.

I am Ron Don Johnson, and as long as you're living underneath my roof. I am Don Ron Don Johnson. I am Don Ron Don Johnson. As long as you're living underneath my roof, you will not melt down my Miami Vice VHS tapes. Those are classic items. And you will respect my friend Cheech Marin. He will let you.

And my friend Don Ron Don Cheetle. And you'll stop sending your stupid ass Tumblr dog down with cool messages about how you preferred the earlier seasons of Nash Bridges. I'm done with you. Stop it with the Tumblr dog. But had enough. Your mom and I are very much in love. Listen, she's not getting back with your dad.

Do you think at some point you have to start using the dog to repair the relationship? Like just a note that says, Ron, I wish we could be closer. Ron, I think we should talk. Ron, my mom's seen sadly lately. When was the last time you treated her out to a night on the tag? Night on the tag? I'm so hungry. Please send the dog.

Ron, please send the dog for snacks. Hate you, Ron. Hashtag hungry. So this has been our double show. My brother, my brother, my mate. And a vice show for the modern era. Thank you to so much everybody for tweeting about the show. Thanks to our buddy Fred Wooden, Iggy K.

Joshua Lee Koss, Iron Sean, Dil Bob, Skudworth, Honey Cut One, Cali Draws, WickedToups, IonSides, SS Kento, Office of Nature, everybody. Just use that MB&BA and hashtag. And hey, if you think about this week, maybe tweet out a link to our sampler. It's bit.ly forward slash it's mobim bam. And thanks to the oldest project for sponsoring the show. And thanks again to Extreme Restraints,

where don't forget to use the middle coupon code to get 20% off. And thanks to Mob Rules Games. Make sure you check them out. And if you would like a message on our show, whether it's like for somebody for a birthday, or if you've got a project or something you want to sponsor, or I have us talk about, then just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. I want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song.

It's a departure of the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Thank you guys gang. Thanks gang. And if you want to send in a problem, something that you're struggling with and you need our help, anything from relationships to etiquette, it's mbmbam at maximumfund.org. So send us a note and let us help you. So don't don't rely on the Tumblr dog for everything.

Just just send us an email or something and we'll help you out. Like a literal email through through through web channels. Yeah, I swear to God, if somebody sends me a dead dog with stuff written on it. If I get one more dog in a box. I know. Um, this final yahoo is also sent in by Emily Wall. Thank you. It's by yahoo answers user sandy who asks,

Why do black men love eating chips at the beach? Is it to be energized for us ladies before they take a dip? I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother and me. Kids are bad. School wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart.

Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part. Do black men love eating potato chips at the beach so they can have the chips before the dips in the water while covering our faces with lovely kisses?