My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 106: Bicentennial Dad

Episode Date: May 28, 2012

Keep it locked to 104.3, WRVMBMBAM, for all your classic rock summer time jam needs. We're cranking out the hits from your favorite rock gods, like Ratt, and also Yahoo Answers. Suggested talking points: Summer Rock Block, Flirty Fortune Cookie, High-Drive, Wanted Two, Irresistible, The Three Year Gap, Cereals, Titter, Escape Plan

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, it's pretty hot out there. Check the thermostat. Rising the mercury, squeezing up like so much red toothpaste out of a tube. Who's ready to party with summer jabs? Welcome to MBMBAM, home of the worst metaphors in town. KMBMBAM, your one stop shop for summer classics. Hey beach babies, how's your bikinis?

How's your thermo? You guys like silo green? Tune in as we workshop new characters like hey bikini babies, how's those bikinis guy? Another book, coolers and babes, that's all. Welcome to the night's coffee. How we found a book like Shalala? Fuck. Make sure to join us at McGillicuddy's deck for party on McGillicuddy's deck. To the sequel. Party your deck off at McGillicuddy's. Get your deck wet. Confuse your deck wet with two dollars washers, washers all night long. The hottest babes, the hottest guys, the drunkest children.

The wildest monkeys, the craziest boop throw monkeys you've ever seen. And good news ladies, margaritas are just three dollars all night long. Monkeys getting free till midnight. Hey monkey, it's 12.30. Come on in anyway. It's monkey, I got it. 21 and up for male monkeys, 18 for old female monkeys. I don't even know if monkeys live that long. What the fuck? Half man half monkeys will be submitted for study at research institutes nationwide. So summer's here. Summer's here again. Coming. Summer my old summer. My worst enemy. Oh bitch. Do you know what doesn't go well to chemical compounds that in nature just do not collude? What's that Griffin? That's Griffin McRoy in shorts.

They are magnetically opposed. You know what I think that is? In my opinion it's a mental block that you're having because no one looks good in shorts. That's not entirely true. Early 2000s Jessica Simpson. Well that's different. She had like a, there was a, okay there was a three month window where one person looked good in shorts. That's not, that's the exception that proves the rule please. So shorts I'm with you on that, but I've given up. That's the thing, that's the thing you have to do. So now you wear a utility coat, which is I think the sartorial, the sartorial equivalent of giving up. Listen, I don't want to be, I don't want to come down and get on people in utility kilts that those people have had enough to deal with,

but they probably could have come up with a better name to not make it so ridiculous, but go on. Yeah. I think that's the point though, isn't it? What about dirty skirts? Why don't they call that? Dirty skirt. Dirty skirt. What about just like cargo pants, but without the thing in the middle? Yeah, legless cargo pants. Plad legless cargo pants. One big pocketed leg. So as you certainly guessed, this is my brother, my brother and me, and it's an advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I am your youngest brother, Griffin McElroy. And we're here to dole out the advice to you, take your queries and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom. So let's just dip in.

I ordered Chinese food from the same place every other week or so. Every time it comes, it's the same guy delivering it to me. And recently, I've noticed my order has had more things like fortune cookies and all in it. Recently, I even found a bottle of juice I didn't order. He's really cute and is usually friendly and chatty when he delivers the stuff. Is this sudden extra food his way of flirting and how should I respond? For the record, I am gay, so no problems there. Why did you have to read that last part like that? There's an exclamation point at the end. So that's, I'm just, I'm just reading with the text. But you didn't think that all homosexual people talk like that all the time?

No, no, I wouldn't say that. That's from hungry and awkward. So can you guys help, you guys know I'm gender blind. Can you guys help me understand the genders in this situation? They're both men. They're both gentlemen. Well, I don't really say gentlemen. I don't know, you know, their habits and proclivities. I know that they are men. Do we know that the question asker is a man? Yes. Yeah. How do you know? Because I kind of took it to read. No, no problems there. Like nothing can come of it. Oh, see, I know that they are man because I read all the emails and I know that this had a male name attached to it. Okay, let's roll with that. See, that's the kind of context clues I really

know. Now, wait, are you sure that it was a male name? A male name applied to a male. I have to assume so. All right. Well, you don't have to assume anything. Assuming makes an ass out of you and make the merciful. This is so sexy already. This is getting really hot in here. A few, a few things to consider. First off, you are entering into a dangerous situation because in wanting to see this gentleman more, you're going to order more Chinese food and that's not going to help you get your health right. Yeah. And that's also not really sexy for this dude. Like he's like, you eat Chinese food like nine times a day. I can barely care for myself. I'm basically meals on wheels over here. I mean, don't we have a strict anti workplace

to customer dating rule against that thing? Especially with, well, no, you know, in 20, I was about to say, especially when that person is forced to come to your house. He knows where you fucking live, dog. Like if this goes down and he goes full blown swim fan, you will have, you will have no recourse. I have, I have a question for you. How much do you like this Chinese food? Are you willing to risk having a relationship with this person and then not being able to order your favorite black pepper chicken anymore? Hmm. What is it? What is important to you? Like where are your priorities at? Maybe the only place that make like every other place makes a crab and goon too sweet.

And this is always a problem. Yeah, it is. That's a problem. Here's the thing. What I love is if, if this is the case, if this gentleman is flirting with you, I love that he's like, I'm just going to slip a bottle of juice in there. He'll know what's up. Yeah. That's a weird, it is a weird flirt. Although I've been ordering from the same Chinese place that the China garden on, on eighth street, right across the street from the former biker bar, the Valhalla club. Oh, and a caddy corner to Jess bike shop, if I remember correctly. Yeah, right around that neighborhood. So if you're, if you're ever in Huntington, now you know where all those things are. Yeah, if you need a bike fixed or a place that used to

be a biker bar and now isn't. It's a block and a half down from, from city hall. That helps. Right, exactly. That helps you place it. I order from this place and I say seven out of ten times when we order, there is a tub of brown chickeny something and on top. Question sauce. The word, no, no, no, there'll be, there'll be stuff in it. And on the top is written the word free. Hey, this is free. I'm not going to tell you about the contents of it. It's free. This hate meat is priced to move. By which we mean nothing. Did you want to eat this? These are our drippings. They're all yours. I got you some chicken cracklings and they're free. Don't question it. So that is to say, I don't know. I use that order the Chinese and get,

um, he would bring like in a paper bag and when I dig to the bottom of the bag, there are always two cans of soda in there that I did not like ask for, but like it was part of like a meal deal. And it was always like diet, cherry, seven up. Yeah, nothing you would ever consider. Yeah. My coffee flavored Fago like my fridge is littered with, with a bunch of like diet tangerine fantas and it's like, I don't know, maybe someday someone will come to my home who will want to drink this. I feel bad just chucking it. Um, now it's a collector's item. There's a, the, uh, the place I, this is embarrassing, but the place I order from China garden again, uh, the same guy is always there. And this guy has a, uh, I would say,

let's say fundamental understanding of the English language, but here is the one thing that he does really, really well is his spiel when you order. So it gets to this point where it is so practiced and rehearsed. This man says the exact same things with the exact same intonation every single time. And that while at first it was very strange, it became comforting, weirdly. It became weirdly comforting to know that in this crazy world, there's always that one guy I could call and then it became even like, then I started feeling really guilty because it's like I'm, my main thing I like about this guy in the way is the way in which he is kind of like a robot. He's a serve, like a serve, serve machine and it's not, it's not fair of me. I have felt that level of trust

and familiarity that one might feel for a lover for maybe one restaurant my entire life. It was hot walks, cool sushi in Chicago. Um, and it was right across the street down the corner, around that corner, and then down it a little bit more. And it was so good. It was the best food. And I, I, they were family to me, you know, and I just don't, I don't think I could ever jeopardize that for any reason. Right. I shoot you not. In my phone, I have countless friends and family and I have one restaurant number saved in my phone. Can I guess? Yeah. Is it Ginos? No, it's, it's China Garden Buffet and I haven't lived in Huntington for three years. Yeah. I've changed phones twice. And also just so I'm clear to visitors of Huntington,

future visitors of Huntington. China Garden is probably like the, like the fourth best. Yeah. I saw you leaning towards third and I was going to nudge you back. It's not good. Like you want to go to, if you want buffet, you're going to go and want to go out to Barbersville and go to Super China Buffet. Or you can taste of Asia. Taste of Asia has Thai and Japanese and Chinese or Thai house. If you just want, if you want something fancy, go hibachi. Yeah. Yeah. It's the fifth. Okay. I'm sorry. It's the fifth best place you can go, but they're the only place that delivers to me and I really like this guy. I mean, okay. So here's the thing, question, ask her to jump back. I've been thinking about it while we've been bs-ing. And

I would say that if, here's like a little addendum to our, you know, adult flirt with someone at a place of business, especially if it involves tipping, because you can confuse how much they like, how well you tip and give you extra stuff and like sneak you extra drinks and stuff for flirting, but they're playing up the tip and it's ambiguous enough that I would say don't risk it because I feel the same way at a bar, you know, where it's like, I tip well so the bartenders all really like me. That doesn't mean they're craving my wave, you know? Sure. Sure. Do you guys want a Yahoo answer? Yes. Yeah. This one was sent in by T dollar sign, which I pronounced T money. It was to dollar. To dollar. Thank you to dollar. It's by Yahoo answers user,

Ned has a big penis. Who asks? Oh, Ned, you are such a character. Can I high five a driver in an oncoming vehicle? Sometimes when I drive with my windows down, I have an uncanny urge to high five other drivers with their window down. Let's say we're traveling around 35 to 40 miles an hour. If I were to extend my hand out for this celebratory gesture and engage the driver traveling in the opposing direction. Oh, I love these kinds of questions. Also traveling around 35 to 40 miles an hour would said hands break, leaving us to be exchanging high fives with our right hands in the emergency room. Okay. This is one of those circumstances in which we have to talk about the difference between can and may. Right. Can you? Maybe. May you? No, you may not. No, I'm sorry.

I think this, I don't think there's like a safe speed for this. Like Parked. Parked. I guess you could do high fives there. But what's the point? Yeah. Right. That's not like exciting. The impact has got to be crazy, right? In high school, when we were in driver's ed class, they told us that they told us that if you had a tissue box in the back of your car and you were in a and you ran into a wall at going 35 miles an hour that you would that you would die because the tissue box would become. Are those two things connected? Or is it like, oh, what you're saying is it's like an omen. Tissue box. There's a tissue box in the car. It's like a seeing a raven. You're going to. No, no, no. I'm saying that they told us the tissue box would

fly forward with such velocity that it would kill you, that it could kill you. So this was your driving teacher slash gym instructor, right? This was a man who sat outside the school. Okay. This is something an old boy. Beware the tissue box, please. That's how we lost my second and fifth wife. We can all agree that high fives are, you can, you rate them. The metric for the value of a high five is how like hard, hard you do it and how loud the smack is. Yeah, it's how epic the smack is. I literally, the other day I high fived my friend Linnea and the smack, the high five was so like loud and thunderous that we high fived again to celebrate that high five. It's hard to high five

Travis because he has, I would say a beefy hand. Oh yeah. Oh God. It's very, it's, it's deep. It's enriched, you know. It's hard to get a satisfying smack with you because usually I pull back a little bit in fear. Oh, that's fair. That's fair. Sure. So you're terrified. You fear the power. Can we also agree that going 35 miles an hour and high fiving somebody else going 35 miles an hour, that smack, that smack could cleave the world into. Like it's going to be amazing. You can see the sound waves coming off of it. Are you, are you suggesting that it would be worth it to lose your hand to create a high five heard around the world? I'm all about like doing something that nobody on the planet has ever done. I don't know that anybody's, ah, somebody's probably done this

before. This seems like something like Travis Pastrana and Johnny Knoxville have done. Yeah. Those kinds of stupid morons. Or two, two rural kids who watch a lot of jackass. After ghost riding the whip, they then high fived each other. Sure. I don't know if it'll break your hand or not. Well, yeah, I think it'll definitely break your hand because you'll want to move through. Even at like 10 miles an hour? Yeah, I think so because you're still going. Like that's the thing is it doesn't stop there. You're not going to have time to hit and pull back. I think it's exponential though, right? Like if, if my, if I'm, if I'm running at you at 10 miles an hour, that's about my, that's about my speed. And you're running at me 10 miles an hour. You think you run

at 10 miles an hour? That's not a very good speed, Justin. What? I think you can probably run it faster than that. Babies run at 10 miles an hour. But I'm saying if you are doing a, a running high five and you high five somebody, that, that would be safe. Why would it be different in a car? Aside from the fact that like you are definitely engaging in some unsafe driving practices, getting close to me. Yeah. Okay. They don't, they don't tell you in driving school to put your hands out the window, slapping another man's hand and two. So hold on one second. I need to pause the episode so I can watch an episode of Beakman's World to find out if this is a good idea or not. Hold on. All right. We'll catch up with Travis in, in 30. No, a man in a giant ride suit just told me this

is a fucking stupid ass idea. Yeah. Are there any responses? Did anybody, did anybody have a way in? Some science teacher? There's always, I find that whenever somebody has a question like, does anyone know who answered it? There's typically, not always, but typically some self-important science teacher that feels like he has to, like this is, the kids in his class don't listen to him. So maybe the kids on Yahoo Answers will, will dig his facts. Like, hey, some kind of relevant example, the kids of today who make science cool. And somebody's linked to like the St. Petersburg Herald or something of like, man, loses arm in tragic high-fiving accident. Actually, in this case, we get a Yahoo Answers user. I'm really tall account two. Apparently account one

was compromised. No, he's so tall, he needs two accounts. He says, stretch out. Nope. I've done this before. If you're both doing it at 40 miles an hour, then it will just sting. If you both throw your hand forwards while you're driving 40 miles an hour, then you might break your hand. Source, high fives on coming cars. Wait a minute. Hold on. The 40 miles an hour you're driving in a car won't break your hand. But if you give it that extra oomph of your own body, that's like, that's a thin line, right? Well, I guess it's the give, right? Because you can high five somebody and then let your arm just sort of like go back. Here's the problem. Once this gets solved, it's going to escalate and pretty soon kids will be trying to do a thumb war at 40 miles an hour.

Yeah. I mean, that's the fear, isn't it? You go up to high five somebody, but they grab onto your hand. You're both pulled through your windows as your cars fly up. You do kind of a windmill action. Yeah, you spin around in the air. Guys, I just got the best idea for wanted to the movie. I'll be right back. I have to update my spec script. Angelina Jolie and oncoming Brad Pitt. Yeah, we got him. Slow down momentarily as they grasp hands, their eyes meet, they are rent from their vintage 1962 car. There is a there is a wordpad document open on Justin's computer right now that just says vintage on it. I'll wake up out of this out of the heroin and there's a haze that I'm in right now in 72 hours and think, why don't I write

vintage? That doesn't make sense. I just type vintage and then there's a picture of Angelina Jolie pasted into into Microsoft Paint. What are they doing? Guys, I don't know if you know this, but we have a very, very special sponsor this week. It's the IFC. They're promoting their new show, Comedy Bang Bang. It starts this Friday, June 8th at 10, 9 central on the independent film channel. Check your TV guide, find it. The first episode has Amy Poehler, the show is hosted by Scott Ackerman, who is absolutely hilarious. You can watch the first episode before it goes live on IFC.com right now, or just go to the Comedy Bang Bang IFC Facebook page and see it there. It's comedy so nice, they banged it twice and it's going to have people

like Amy Poehler, Zach Galvanaka, Seth Rogen, just to name a few people, so go check it out. I just started at uni. God, guys, come on. You are going to college. This is an American show for everybody in the world, so can we please call it what everybody in the world calls it college? Adult school. I just started at big boy school and I'm trying to make new friends there, but I feel like if I try approaching any girls, they would feel creeped out or like I was hitting on them. I have a long term girlfriend, so I'm not even interested in that way. Should I be worried about this? And if not, how do I shake this feeling? That's from girlfriends, not girlfriend. Number one, you're in college now and that makes them women. Yes. So say it like that.

Don't, and then they'll know you're not hitting on them. Hello, women. Excuse me, ladies. Hello, women. Are there any females? Are there any women here? I'm just a 21st century man looking for some women. My friend Daniel said, hey, Dylan, go talk to those girls. And I said, Daniel, those are not girls. They are women. So women, anyone care to prove me right? So women, anyone seeing the latest episode of Doctor Who? Isn't it a shame what they're doing to community? Let's be best friends. Does anyone want to try some absence? We are in college after all. Definitely not uni. Can I interest anyone in an orgy? You're gonna have a problem not creeping anyone out. It's like you talk like that. Why are you talking like that? I feel like all college freshmen are

just big balls of creepo and they don't know how to talk to people. And it's not a personal problem as much as it is a community's problem, a social problem, because everybody's just as terrified as you are. And you know, here's the thing, I'm a person who is not terrified and very outgoing and I'll walk right up to someone and start a conversation. And I did that in college and thought I was just killing it. And everyone's like, oh Travis, he's annoying. He's really, really weird. It's on everybody's nerves. Yeah. So like you literally can't win. Like either you're sitting in a corner afraid to talk to everyone or you're talking to everybody and you're an asshole. So it's like, it's so hard to walk that fine line. But I think what will help is that you have a

girlfriend, you literally are not interested in them in that way. And if they're willing to like even give you a chance, that kind of thing comes across really quickly and I don't think you have to worry about it. Here's the problem though. He's in a committed relationship with a long-term girlfriend, which makes him irresistible to women. I don't think that's true. Well, we've talked about this before though. That's because he's not trying. That's because there's like no stakes. And that is very attractive when someone is not putting it out there. But that's the problem though. This guy is walking into these situations with the confidence of somebody who is already in a relationship, which is making him irresistible. This guy is basically asking, how do I get put

into the quote unquote friend zone as distasteful as I typically feel? That's not a real thing. But that's a really great thing because we get asked all the time like, how do I get out of the friend zone? I love this. Like, how do I put myself in the... How do I not get all the pussy is what he's asking. Guys, I'm just gonna be inundated with all of these vaginas. They got so much trim. They got it to give, but I don't want it. Don't need it. Know how. Keep it ladies. I don't think it's that ubiquitous. I think this is a bigger problem other than just genders and it's how do you make friends with anyone ever anywhere on the planet. I don't think you should flatter yourself so much by saying, I don't want all these women to think I'm trying to, you know,

Dr. Suave on them. And then they know they like, I'm afraid that they're just going to come at me too much. If that's a problem, it's probably not a problem. No, I think he's saying that he's afraid that they're going to think he's creeping on them when really he's just trying to make friends. But I would say that that is, once again, as you said, Griffin universal and not just for one gender. I think anybody viewers rule up and you're like, Hey, let's be best friends now. They're going to be like, Oh, no. The only way to make friends in college is A, you have classes with them. And then you just sort of bond there or B, you have like this friend with this impossibly magical charm to them who brings you friends like some sort of loyal dog. Yes. So if you can hang

out with Michael Bradbury or Trevor David or me, you'll be fine. Well, yeah, no, I'm very charming. It might surprise you'll learn to them that I'm actually a very charming person. That's something all charming people say. We're all very self aware. Now, usually we don't pull back these curtain and tell everyone about it. But I got special permission for this occasion to let you guys know. Is it like a curse? Is it like, it's a blessing and a curse. We talk about it at all the meetings at Charming Anonymous, which I really shouldn't be telling you about because it defeats the purpose. It's like if you say Rumpelstiltskin's name, he loses all this power. It's like if you ever see Travis eat anything, then he loses his magic charm. Yeah, that's why he eats so quickly

to try to get it over with his fastest. I don't actually think that's why you eat so quickly. I'm almost certain it is. I think you eat so quickly because you're excited to have the food. And that is also why if you try to take my plate away, I will bite your head. Yeah, sure. Sometimes Griffin has to put this like rubber ball in my food so I don't gulp it because then I'll get a Tommy Yake. Hey, that's funny when you guys are talking just now. Welcome back to the show, Justin. I really did for the last two minutes. I've been a listener of my brother and my brother. Actually, to be more typical of my brother in me, not to be confused with the hit Nickelodeon Kidcom, my brother in me. So welcome back. So I'm back now.

How about a yahoo? That part was funny. I'm going to tell people about that part. Guys, you got to listen to this bit on my favorite podcast. Here's a yahoo answer. Okay. This yahoo is sent in by David Myers. Thank you, David. Hey, thanks, David. It's by yahoo answers user nosy C who asks, I am telling my dad the truth about my boyfriend's age on Sunday. How can I start the conversation off? I am 17 and he's 23. My dad thinks he is 20. What can I say to him to start the conversation off? What? There's a three year age difference and you're worried about, I mean, is that a massive difference? There's a six year age. No, no, but there's a three year difference in your dad's perception and reality.

I like that this person is 17 and started dating this 23 year old and she was like, okay, I'm going to have to lie to my dad about the age. He's never going to buy 18. Let's split the difference. Yeah. What's the most believable lie I could buy? He's not going to buy 17 because my boyfriend has a full beard job. So 20. The dad probably knows already. The dad is probably like, hey, can you rent me a car in a couple of years? I'm thinking of going on a trip. Like, oh yeah, no problem. God damn it. God damn it. The dad was talking to us like, hey, how about Smurfs, huh? He's like, yeah, I love those. I knew it. Yeah, damn it. Gargamel always getting into it. He would give him the first half of great bits from Cheers.

Sam and Diane, huh? Where are they ever going to get together? I know, right? I think you gotta, I mean, all right, first off, you gotta lie. You gotta lie. That's such a big, that's such a stupid thing to lie about that it's going to be not only frustrating for your dad. It's going to be embarrassing for you. You gotta lie. Can you say that he went on some sort of time travel adventure and while we were stuck in time, moving along the time stream, normally, he aged super fast. Now, you can do that, but it's going to take some commitment. You gotta start with my boyfriend has decided to join the Air Force. Then you work your way up to, he's become an astronaut. Okay. Then he gets shot into space and breaks the base, you know, the speed of light.

Yeah. And then when he returns, he's aged three years. So it's going to take you two or three all those AP physics classes really paid off for you. Do we do more believable and maybe topical? Like maybe he gets involved with the SpaceX program. Okay. He goes up in Dragon, Jesus sees that we're not that someone besides the government is using time travel and he punishes them by making them age faster than normal. He got a weekend case of Progeria. Right. He beat it though. He breathed the Progeria. What about a whimsical scavenger hunt that ends with parental disappointment? Like you leave clues and the dad has to follow the clue to the next clue and then at the end is just a picture of the boyfriend's driver's license. That's good

because most scavenger hunts are engines for the child's disappointment and it's nice to pass the buck for once. Is the dad going to care? I mean, if I was a dad, you are not the dad of a teenage girl. I'm sure it makes you crazy a little bit. Turns you into a crazy person. It would be great if this guy and girl, if these two crazy kids have been together for like five years. No, that would be very highly unpleasant because at that point you're talking about an 18 year old dating a 12 year old. Oh no. Oh no, I didn't do the math. I was thinking of 20 and oh no. Yeah, no, you did. I've done this poorly. I did math in a bad way. I used math for evil. You used math for evil. I mean, it's easier to ask for forgiveness and permission, right? Yeah. Talk to everyone

in prison. Yeah. Why does your dad ever need to know how old this person is? Well, is it because they're out of school already? Doogie Howser. Whatever. Let's just keep the lies coming. If you're married, if they get married and they live together and they stay married and then he dies like pretty early and your dad who is inexplicably still alive, it's like, man, I thought he had a few more years left in him and you're like, what, three years? I've got a big secret, dad. Daddy, I'm sorry. Get ready. Get ready, dad. He was actually 97. Fuck. You're 133. So dangerous. I did math bad. I'm so glad you're still alive, mega dad. Get over here, side dad. Give me your mathoos, dad. I love you. Give me your bicentennial, dad. I love you. I love

you so much. Shit. Why do all of our goos have to terminate with drugs? Because he's a robot, Justin, that gets operations done so he can fuck humans. That's the best movie ever made. It's Robin Williams as a super boned out robot. His metal flange ain't gonna cut it no more. Put a human dick down there, please. I don't see why I don't see why that was acceptable. Yet my spec script for small wonder got me summarily laughed out of Hollywood. I don't understand why that wasn't okay. She's a robot. She doesn't have an age, technically. Did yours have all of her plat in it? You did not. Well, there's your problem. Maybe just have her boyfriend reference small wonder and then the dad knows that he's old as shit. Yeah, sure. What does the dad

care? The dad's gonna fucking care. If I was a dad of a girl, of a woman, nope, 17, still girl. Still a girl? Not yet a woman. Not even yet a woman. And she was dating an 18-year-old. I think the high school college split is a big deal. I would say 20 is a big deal because soon he's gonna be drinking by and all kinds of Smirnoff, Eisenboone's farm for my sweet princess. 23, they have been drinking Boone's farm. They are familiar with all the flavors. Could you do it incrementally and be like, hey, dad, really? He's 20 and a half. Okay. And then the next day, be like, he's 21. The next day, he's 20 and two months. A good thing to do to old people is to say, is to reveal your lie by the fact that they were confused. So, he'll say, I thought he

was, I thought Jeremy was 20. He'll say, no, he's 21. He's 21. Or maybe, oh, fuck, I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Frequent birthday. Dad was having the same idea. 21 in April, 22 in June. Yeah. Your dad will never be able to keep track of that. He can't even like keep up with his fantasy football team. I guess you're gonna have to change all the clocks and calendars in the house. I didn't get a lot of commitment. No, like he'll have a birthday in April. He'll turn 21. Okay. And then in September, he has birthday too, where he turned and he'll turn 22. And your dad would be like, didn't he just have a birthday? No, September 11th, remember? He was born on September 11th. It's like a thing. You said you wouldn't forget. You said you wouldn't forget his birthday. That's

not good. And then the next birthday, the final birthday is April 1st. You're like, April 4th. Don't you remember? You're so stupid, dad. You're the April 4th. Hey, get out of my life. But then you forget that he has a real birthday. You got to sneak it in one week after. You got to sleep your dad like three or four ambient. So he just like wanders through the day in a haze. Clunks out. This sounds totally healthy. Hey, this sounds like the movie click. Is this what that movie's about? This movie is click. This movie is click. That's the tagline for click. Well, if you like that ad, you're going to love the money.

This message is for Alex Long from Christina Elias. Here's the message. Their anniversary is May 27th, and they have, which is today right now as we're recording this, and they've been together for two years. He's made a huge impact on my life. And since we listen to the show together every week, a shout out from the brothers is the best anniversary present I could think of. So happy anniversary, Alex. I love you so much. Hey, Alex, I love you too. Alex, I'm in love with you. Alex, I'm 23. I'm sorry. So happy anniversary, you two. I'm so glad that. Hey, Alex, go ahead and make an honest woman out of her. Whoa. I love how this is what our question is, what it always becomes. Great tasting pie. That's married people, married people,

everybody to get married. Does that like lower the rates? How does that work? Yeah, you get a discount at married restaurants. Bad Bath and Beyond. Let's move on. Travis, tell me about Mob Rules Games. Well, Mob Rules Games is, you know, like we're ending our month-long sponsorship with them, and we've come a long way, baby. Ew. Yep. Well, how about we've come a long way, baby? We've come a long baby way. Yeah. Okay. And so they're still working on their Kickstarter over at MobRulesGames.com. Go check it out. We're about halfway there. So make sure you're still giving them $5, get you a code to download the game when it's complete in October. It's incredible looking, so make sure you check it out. Also, we want to make sure that we mentioned

before we left off with them. They're doing a podcast called, I believe it's the Pod Macabre. So make sure that you check that out on their website. And so head to Mob Rules. Basically, it's a diary of what they're doing and all the horror movies that influence the game. So make sure you check that out on their website. Their Kickstarter is like only halfway done, so go help them meet. It's like that one, what's that one game that just got all the money? Like all the games that are on Kickstarter, I want this to be a success story because it looks really cool and I would like to play it. It looks cool. And when you go to MobRulesGames.com, you will need to scroll down past the first post to get to the Kickstarter. And actually,

you know what? It's still on the right hand side of the page. You'll see a box that just says Haunt's Kickstarter. So you can go there and we'll try to tweet it out tomorrow to make it even easier for you to go donate and get a copy of the game. For like, for $5, you can have a copy of this game. And for every $5 you donate, you get another copy. You can sell to friends. Profiteering. We love it. Hey guys, can I say about another show on the IFC? Yeah. Please do. It's called Bunk. It comes on. It's not to be confused with Monk. It's called Bunk. It's at $10.30, right after Comedy Bang Bang, which you should also definitely be watching. It is a game show where improv comics play for inane prizes and non-tradable causes. It's got categories like whose crotch is hotter,

shame that puppy, give that bitch some arms, and unstamp the tramp. That's Bunk, $10.30, IFC, where comedians come to play. I must, I have to know what shame that puppy is. Griffin, did you write that tagline? I may have. It's like the new jingle. I put a spin on a tagline. This game show is click. So wait a minute, Griffin. Okay, Travis. I think you maybe missed the utility of your own tagline. I'm not sure you quite... It works for literally every occasion. This birthday is click. This funeral is click. So happy anniversary to Alice and Christina, and go to mybrowsgames.com right now and watch Bunk at $10.30. I'm not kidding. I want to play that fucking game.

So go fund it. I'm serious. Don't you guys let me down this time internet? Like you do everything else. Hey, I work in an office that enjoys pranks. This sounds like a bad setup for amateur pornography, but I'm going to go on. Most recently, we gave a guy a cubicle lawn with real grass while he was away on a sunny moon. And it's beautiful. They attached a picture to the email. They did a really great job. Did they nail it? Okay. They nailed it. That's where the issue is. Can you put it on the forums or something, Travis? I totally will. I totally will. Maximumfund.org. That's where the issue is. Another coworker got married when on his honeymoon.

We found out yesterday that when he returns, he's going to be fired. Oh, no. But he's totally expecting a prank when he gets back. Oh, no. What do I do? He might think that being fired, the firing is actually a goof, and it could lead to a seriously awkward situation. Maybe I ought to prank him anyway so that when he gets called into his boss's office, he knows it's legit. That's from you got punked and also fired. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Can you imagine working in an office where upon returning from like a week-long vacation, not finding your cubicle covered in wrapping paper or like full of balloons was a sign that there was trouble? Like,

wait, guys, where's the flamingos? Oh, no. Am I fired? Is something wrong? The only thing I can think is that you have to you have to prank him. And the punking has to be so heinous that when he gets fired, he's like, well, good, because I could never come back here anyway. You gotta get like four people to hold him down while you like staple his balls to his leg. Right? And then like when he gets fired, he's like, oh, thank God, I could never look those people in the eye again. I un-let maybe or maybe, maybe you let him think it's the long con. Maybe you let him think it's the long grip until that paycheck stop showing up. But that could be part of the goof. Like,

oh, so you're like, I can't believe you fell for it. Yeah, that's where my key card doesn't work anymore. Man, they're really serious about this goof. It's been a couple months without a paycheck. And by that point, you already forgot this dude existed. Could you punk him after he gets fired? Like as he walks out of the office, a bucket of water falls on his head. He's like, was this whole thing a nope, just the water bucket was, but you have been relieved. But we do need you to collect your things and go. And could you clean up the water? Security will be here in 30 minutes. Could you please towel up the mess you made? Probably a pretty good joke would be after he gets fired, you ask him, like, you pretend like

you're going to Jerry McGuire with him. And the two of you are going to go off and start your own agency. And then it's your first meeting with Cuba. You just don't show. You're back at work. This agency doesn't exist. And this meeting isn't with Cuba. It's with Frank, the guy who runs the Starbucks down on 13th. Also, I got you a job at Starbucks. Just hug him and be there for him? Just remember, it's not your problem. And then just be there for him. Maybe take a sick day. Maybe take a sick day the day you know this thing is happening. They did what? They did who? Are you sure this isn't a goof? What do you got? What do you got? Are you goofing me? Are you goofing me? Is this a goof right now? Are you double goofing on me? I still, I don't

believe it. I still love the idea of like this guy tapping into his kids college fund to pay the mortgage. Like, man, this goof is going on like really far. Maybe you goofed the whole office. And like after this guy gets fired, you come in the next day and you set up his cubicle like he's still there. And like from time to time, just move things around and like change the desktop and do stuff and try to convince people that he still works there. Can you find a guy that looks exactly like him to do his job? Holy shit. Let's see if you can't collect two paychecks. Well, wait a minute. No, because he's once he gets fired, you know, once someone gets fired, they don't get paychecks anymore. But maybe if you convince him that

the guy's still there, this is this is a terrible thing that's going to happen to this person. Have you considered talking to the bosses and saying like, please not him? He's on his fucking honeymoon. That's that's yeah, that is really shady. That's really shady. Maybe you should consider quitting by which I mean before this guy gets back. Unless this guy is just a terrible guy. Terrible. People don't get married, though, is the problem. But I'm saying like this is fourth honeymoon in two months. Okay. Well, that's incredibly improbable. No, and which I'm not referring to bigamy. I mean, with the same person he's taken for four honeymoon. They're just living a different lifestyle, Travis. Like your problems that bigamy are really dragging

the show down. No, I'm not knocking bigamy. I don't understand why you have to be such a bigam. Bigam makes bigamy makes I fucking hate you. The bigam reminds me of the bigam. Bigam is my favorite cereal mask. Bigam. But bigamy totally makes financial and fiscal sense. I'm saying that maybe this guy just really likes taking vacations. What doesn't make sense to me is that the sugar smacks frog is a bigamist. Is that what you're saying to me? Yes. Bigam frog. He's married to Lucky and the sugar bear and now sugar. Okay, see, this has always been confusing me. Sugar smacks and golden crisp are the same cereal, right? Wait, which one's sugar smacks? Is that the one with bigam frog? Sugar smacks has bigam frog.

Uh-huh. Gold crisp also, which is also is also sugar crisp. Oh, that's I can't get enough of that sugar. Right. But honey smacks are the same. I mean, they're basically just puffed wheat with sugar. Wait, you might have just blown the lid off big cereal. Is all cereal the same? It's some form of wheat or rice covered in sugar? Well, I mean, that is 100% accurate. I'm saying to you right now that it's been way too long since I've eaten golden crisp or sugar smacks or anything like that. I really like those cereals. What am I waiting on? I don't know. Live your life. Griffin, you like those? I can't eat cereal anymore. What? Why not? It gives me, it gives me fart butts.

I can't eat it either. I like, uh, I'm on that little carb lifestyle. Sure. I'm just thinking about how good it would be. Ever since they discontinued french toast crunch, it's like, what's the point? Can you even get waffle crisp anymore? Nope, gone, gone so. Son of a bitch. I know. Hey, let's talk about something else. You know what the best part about waffle crisp is? You will smell like waffle crisp for the next six days. Yeah. Yeah. That is the best thing about it. It makes your hands feel like spider webs too. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Brent Black. Thank you, Brent Black. Brent Telfloss of the internet. It's by Yahoo answers user CBkitty who asks, does your spouse ever smile during sex? Me and my husband were having sex

the other night and I looked up at him and he was giving me this wide grin. Oh no. I immediately thought it was very creepy and told him so. Of course, immediately I was completely turned off and told him to finish. I was a little harsh, I know, but it really creeped me out. I'm expecting a look of pleasure on his face, but not a grin. Does your spouse ever do this? My spouse is going full joker. It's like fucking the Cheshire cat. Will you please just finish? My spouse has been hit by Smilex and it's creeping me the fuck out. I think the creepier part is something happened during your love making sesh and it turned you off and you were like, just finish. Just finish already Randy and let's get this over with. Flip the orgasm button and just go, please.

Just stop holding it back and let's roll. Let's just roll on this. I open it up. Just open it up. I think it's a pretty cool wife that the big turn off for her is my husband enjoying himself. But it's not. No, I want him to quietly and enjoy himself, but I want him to hide it. I want his face to be a mask or maybe a literal mask. Yeah, your face when you're making love should always look like you're in the finals of some sort of math league. You've got to look very consternated. You've got to look like you're really just giving it your all. And when you're grinning, a grin is not a good bedtime look. No, a grin says, I know something you don't know, which is never a good look to have during sex. Yeah. I mean, and everybody, different shows

or different smokes, folks, different smokes for different polks. But I just think that if you are giving your partner like a rye, a rye smile, then you're not doing something right. It's so like smiling. It's like if you let out like a soft giggle, a titter while you're making love. My penis just went so far inside my body. It's hanging out with my stomach now. No, all you got to do is commit the full belly laugh. Yeah. Yeah, we are making love. Now that I think about it, there are so few things that you can do while you're making love. There's like one or two things you can do. And everything else is like, no, I can't do that. Which would be worse, looking up and seeing your other grinning or frowning.

Or anything. Frowning, I think, is actually more commonplace, don't you think? Yeah, because you're focused. Like Conan at least. That's angry face. Okay. It only seems like you can't do those things. No. You know you can. No. Because you live in America, land of free and home with the bland. Yeah. And you open up your sphere a little bit. If I see what possibilities are there. Just turn to the page in the common suture where it shows you all the different phases. I'm your brother. You're grossing me out. You can't do the one where you hook your pinkies inside the corners of your mouth as you're driving past each other. Can you have sex out the window of a moving vehicle? Not if you're smiling. So if I what if

you like sneeze during sex? Has anyone ever done that before? Your body actually can't. It's how you can't like hum with your mouth closed. What? I mean, it's like you can't pinch your nose and hum. It's like how you can't eat an entire spoonful of cocoa and hum at the same time. Sure. What if they gently hum while you're making love and not like a sex way? If they were just like, hmm. No, like humming, humming like a tune, like the Sanford theme song. Not just like a like you're some sort of jet bike. And as you rev up the big O, you literally rev up the big O. What's the matter, you guys? Guys, I figured that would be better than actually saying orgasm. No, they're both bad. They're both so bad. I just want to talk about anything else.

Happy time. Finish sauce. Oh, okay. So that was the most important thing you could say. All right. I didn't know. I wasn't sure. I was just trying to one up, you know, you got to get come. Oh, God, no. I'm getting married this weekend yesterday. That's confusing. And I know this weekend, Saturday, May 26 was yesterday and wanted to know if you've got any outside the box advice for solving marital problems. Yeah, don't get married, right? Get a man cave. Justin's actually gnawing. Justin's gnawing on a branch right now. He's gnawing on his own leg to escape from marriage. Get out of the bear trap. So outside the box advice for solving. Don't get in the box. Don't let her put you in a box. That's an unhealthy relationship.

Just love is patient. Love is kind. Love is blind and it'll take over your mind. Then you'll find inside the rind you get ready to grind on that skateboard of love. That's my favorite Mary J. Bly's song. Marriage is like a skateboard. So outside the box advice. I think the number one thing that determines whether or not you're ready to be married to somebody is if you're capable. And some people aren't to this point in their maturity yet where you're able to think like see a problem from somebody else's perspective. And I think that if you can learn that one skill and practice that one thing in marriage, then it'll solve a lot of your issues. If you're just willing to take two seconds and say,

try to see it. Like literally put yourself, not literally put yourself in their shoes. That's a whole other bevy of marital problems. But to put yourself in their shoes and think like, hey, why are they thinking this way? Because I guarantee if you take those seconds and slow it down a little bit, you'll be able to figure out a lot more than you think you're capable of. Awesome. Here's another one. The person that you are getting married to knows you better than anyone else knows you. And so all those things that you tell yourself that you do that are awesome and cute and adorable, if your significant other says, hey, just, you know, that's really kind of annoying and you should stop doing that,

you should probably listen to that person instead of trying to defend yourself. Yeah, you got to realize that like a lot of the process of like getting growing up in a marriage is like letting go of your bullshit. And the person will know your bullshit better than anybody. And the source of a lot of fights, especially early, is like the where you find your bullshit stops working. Yeah. Oh, wait, man, that doesn't. Okay, that's not a good one. That's not a good bullshit anymore. You should always stop doing that. Teresa calls me on all the time. I try to use I love you as like a barometer for how the situation is going. Yeah. And usually there's a question mark at the end. I love you. It's your depth charge. Yeah. So like she started calling

me on that. And when that happens, that's how you take steps towards becoming a better person. But only if you're willing to accept it, because typically it's just going to make you angry. Because like, ah, you're so right. How did you know my bullshit? You know my tricks. You got me. You should always, you should also always live under the assumption that your wife is probably cheating on you. Probably. Whoa. Well, why? I'm just saying if you prep yourself, that's terrible advice. You're saying like live on the defensive. I'm saying you either got a set up a swing agreement. It's the rest of your life. Have you worked out your swing agreement? Yeah. Do you have it down on paper? Because it might be

a smoking swing agreement. Do you have safe couples right now? You need the treaty of Versailles. You need the treaty of two guys. You need to work something out. You got to figure it out. Find a lawyer and have him draw you up a dog. Talk about the rest of your life dog. Find a lawyer that's back in hang. Find a lawyer. That's a liberal lawyer. Kind of chill. And how about this? Go to marriage counseling. Day one. It's not just for people who are in trouble. Yeah. You don't just go to the doctor when your butt falls off. Exactly. Prevention is nine-tenths of not having your butt fall off. I've always. I'm not affordably speaking. No, literally. 5% of marriage is in a divorce. So I guess what I'm saying is you pay your money,

you take your chances. There's no way to tell if this is going to work out or not. And also, I guess that's another piece of advice. No one to hold them, no one to fold them. That's all I'm going to say. No one to walk away, no one to run. There's always a way out. That's all I'm going to say, Josh. Know your exit strategy. Follow the closest exit. Maybe you have a fake beard buried in the yard. The closest exit may be behind you. That's all I'm saying. Josh. Josh. Josh. How's your marriage going, Josh? Like two. Hey, Josh. I know it's been 48. You're probably still in what we like to call the honeymoon phase. I should warn you, you will be fired upon your return. So sorry. Enjoy your time in Gatlinburg. It's all over when you get married.

And then your marriage is going to dissolve, but one of those two things is going to be a goof. Your choice. Yeah. Your game, Josh. Your choice. Your game, Josh. Nothing says strengthening our burgeoning relationship. Like, honey, you're going to have to carry me for a while. Yeah. Yeah. So this has been our goofy comedy show, My Brother, My Brother, and Me. I'm so flattered that you took the time to listen this week. If you could, if you get a second, could you go go to iTunes and maybe write a review for us or subscribe to us there if you don't already. And thank you to people who are tweeting about the show with the MB, MBAM hashtag, like Danarkist, Hailey Head, Sarah Jo Stevens, Tristan Mathers,

uh, follow here, there, Philip Yon, our buddy, Stephen Strom, Aaron Myers, Scott Garner, maybe Moomkin. I could go on. Are you having a stroke? Like, do you know that you're slowing down or am I speeding up? And it's just like a relativity. Your comprehension has accelerated to a point where you can move to planes. You can no longer comprehend. I want to thank John Rontrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album and putting the days to bed. Uh, go, uh, go pick that up. It's a, it's a power jam for all seasons. Hey, hey, uh, are you, well, sorry, Travis, go right ahead. Well, I was just going to say, I just want to say how excited we all are for, for Max Funcon coming

up next week. We look forward to seeing everybody there. Um, and I also wanted to do a shameless self plug. Um, if there's anyone in the Cincinnati area, uh, June 8th, um, I'm going to be opening a show. We're doing the complete works of William Shakespeare abridged, uh, starring me and my friends Nick Rose and Billy Chase at the Cincinnati Shakespeare company. Um, tickets are on sale now. You can get them at senseyshakes.com. That's Sensey with a Y, shakes.com. I hope to see you all there. Um, and make sure you let them know that you came because of me. Oh, that's gross. Um, wait, can we, I just want to just, uh, I guess a word of warning word. So our next show is a live show at Max Funcon and Justin, they're both going to be in LA for like

a week after that. Um, so I don't know. We, the next episode may be up kind of late because we're basically going straight from that to a convention for work. So, so the next episode may be a little bit late where we haven't figured that out. Oh, uh, along those same lines, the three of us are going to be in LA at the Broadway bar for the, the, uh, a party posted by our current employer, Polygon, our current employer, the website Griffin and I make called Polygon. We're having a party at Broadway bar, I think seven to 11 on Sunday, June 3rd. So we will all three be there. So if you're in LA and you didn't get to go to Max Funcon, come hang out with us. Yeah, hang out. We'll be there. Also, we love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so

much. Uh, this final Yahoo answer was sent in by Mark Touretzky. Thank you. Marked by Yahoo answers user HiHiLayna who asks, I'm convinced I am a potato. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad. Go around the lips.