My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 107: Face 2 Face 5

Episode Date: June 7, 2012

This episode probably sports our worst audio quality to date, which we apologize for. We figured that an episode that made it sound like we were screaming at you while covered in bees would be better than no episode at all.

Hello, Maximum Fun Convention. Ladies and gentlemen, it's 10 a.m. on a Sunday, the funny hour. The best weekend of your life is ending. You got three hours of sleep last night, and you have a double hangover. Who's ready to laugh? Let's chuckle up, people. Let's do this. Chuckle up and deal. How is everybody's fancy dress party?

You're just cheering. I need answers. Yeah, I need specifics. Everyone shouted detail all along. Everyone looks so wonderful. Sexy? Did anybody get any camp strange? God, it's not too late.

We have bathrooms all over the place. It's a very open show. It's a very permissive environment. Keep it down. Unless we stop being funny and then distract away. No intimidation or anything, but we're the last thing that happens at Max Funcon. The good news is we haven't seen anybody who's way funnier than us for the past 48 hours. One of the things we learned from watching some of the shows we've seen,

great shows like Rift Tracks, The Jordan Jessica, The Stand Up Show last night, and Susan Lee, everybody. Usually people are like, buy me some time. We have a long show to get through. There's still a notepad up here that says pussy on it, by the way. One of the things that we learned while we were watching some of these other shows is that preparation is so important. So I realized we should have done some.

So I made, in conjunction with the boys, I made this presentation about some of the things that we should have prepared. By the way, this is my brother and my brother and me live, face-to-face five, the fifth element, which is laughter. And I'm your brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet, sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. So presentation. First thing that I should, that we should have prepared. A PowerPoint.

No one uses this at all. And you're tech savvy of glasses. Sure, sure. That's what that means, yeah. I got these with the PowerPoint Linda class that I took online. So that's thing number one, a PowerPoint. The other shows had those, and we should have done one because it looked great. A second thing.

Breaks. This is important because this is a long show and Jordan and Jesse left for a while. That would have been good. I had no idea we could do that. Didn't know that was an option. Yeah, didn't know that was an option to do a cinematic entertainment. That's a great idea. Like 10 minutes you have to be funny.

That would be sweet, sweet water. If somebody on your podcast, in the unlikely case that they have irritable bowels. Yeah, in the unlikely case that you're on a podcast. Not nobody up here. Don't worry about it. Maybe traveling upsets your little guy tummy. It's actually the, it's the, it's the height up here. Is it the height?

Being on the mountain here at the fucking throat of the world. It's the, the air is really affecting. That is, is that the correct term? Throat of the world high school? That's right. These kids are going to school in Game of Thrones. Musical interludes. This is good because people always like those.

And again, it gives the people of an irritable bowel a chance to. Right. Not a lot of time, but. If Jordan, Jesse, go didn't go long enough. Ashkahn could have just kept repeating the chorus for like another 20 minutes. And they would have been fine. I have no, we have no such padding. If any of you know any songs.

Oh yeah. You want to like hop up and do them. Don't do that. Don't do that. It's our. This is our fucking time. It's our time. Speaking of this being our fucking time.

Famous guests. Okay. Usually that's hard because they have to come to a place you're at. He literally could have spun around three times and gone. You. Yeah. We could have put honey on our hands and caught three guests. Now here's the thing.

Here's the trick though. Here's the important, important bit about this. We talked about this one. We just want to share the attention. It's like to be, let's be honest, the funniest person in a room. Oh no. And for 48 hours, you have to watch other. Thank you, ladies.

A little less laborious. Are they giving that others know that this morning I might have accidentally when talking about this, you know, refer to myself as the funniest person in the room. It's one of those things that pops out of your head and immediately go, oh, I'm a douche. And then it's at Max Flecon, you're lucky if you're the funniest person in your jacket. So we didn't want to share the attention. If we fail so, so miserably, we don't want to drag anybody else down. Right.

Exactly. Speaking of failing miserably, the last thing we should have prepared is jokes. Many people had jokes written. Yeah. It was like a theme. Yeah. It was like a, it was a theme of preparing funny things to say. So if it doesn't pan out like that, we didn't know that was part of the rules.

That was not in our packet that we could prepare jokes ahead of time. So we're just going to. I tried to do it to a robot and there was nothing about jokes. So instead, we're just going to do what we normally do and take your queries and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom, as well as answer some questions from the horrible, horrible people on the Yahoo answers service. Do you guys want a Yahoo right now? Yeah.

Are we ready? Are we in a place? Guys, it's not to you. It's to us. No, but hey, do you want a Yahoo? This Yahoo was sent in by Steve Lewis. Thank you, Steve. It's by Yahoo Answers user Bob123, Bob4562003.

Cool, cool. Two thousand other two guys. Bob, and then all those numbers asks, I often fantasize about my wife transforming into the She-Hulk. Is there any real way to make this happen? I had a dream about her transforming into the She-Hulk and was wondering if there is any scientific way to make her really transform into a She-Hulk or a She-Hulk-like creature. It's not.

Is that Becky? Is that Becky? It would be amazing to watch her turn green, grow huge muscles and watches her body burst through her clothes. I will pay any amount. I know a foolproof way to make that happen. Leave the toilet seat up. That's the kind of caliber of joke you get here at Maximum Fun Con.

We've been prepping for this and I've done that joke three times and it has not worked any time and yet I persist. I'm like Lawrence of Arabia. I'm really glad that this gentleman, Bob, asking this question, clarifies that money is no object. Yeah, that's a weird cross-section, right? Like how rare is it for somebody to be obscenely rich that money truly is no object? Millionaire playboy.

But they also have a creepy She-Hulk finish. I just like the idea that the only thing that's been holding this back from being scientifically possible is the cost. Sure. I mean, you're going to need, it comes down to you're going to need your wife's consent, right? Yeah, that's number one, guys. Don't try to push this through.

It's going to take conversation. It's going to take years of cross-fit training to really rip and blast the floor. You're talking, that's a very slow transformation. I think this guy is very clear about wanting her to go from 90-pound weak link to 200-pound muscle beast that can tear apart his house. And you're also going to have to get her green, which is, I guess, paint, I guess. Is the best way to do that? I would assume so.

I've never performed this act. This is not mine. Well, it's great though, because once you get her there, you can act out your She-Hulk fantasies or your Blanca fantasies. Sure. I guess Jolly Green Giant is it? That's one. You could have her not paint her body green, and then she could just be Lou Ferrigno.

I'm sure there's some people who would enjoy that. He's a very nice man. Yeah. And my wife already doesn't listen. What's that mean? What's the show? It's Lou Ferrigno. Oh, no!

Stupid. All the best jokes you have to tell people why it's funny. There's a comedy scene. This is a wannabe comedian convention, right? There's your first lesson. The best punchlines have to be explained. Cross-stitch it somewhere. Can I put vodka in this?

No. I have some actual questions that people have actually asked us. People who listen to the show, not just randos on Yahoo Answers. Don't you judge me? Griffin's laugh. Who brought the dork? Sorry, everyone. Can someone run to the kitchen just real quick and get some...

Could anybody come? Just to run to the kitchen real quick. Can anyone take off his shirt and just... Can anyone have a swiffer wet jet? Anything that can soak up an old t-shirt or... I know there's... Oh, use the pussy paper. But which I mean the paper that says pussy on it.

And not something else. Just blot it up with that. I always imagine that if something goes wrong with these things, you can say it in that voice and something will happen. It's our fifth show and this is the first thing that's gone wrong. I think that's okay. Yeah. So anyway, questions from actual real people.

First question. My fiance and I are getting married on September 1st and we're having a bit of dilemma on our hands. We want a kids-free wedding, but we don't know how to nicely tell family members to leave their youngsters at home. We don't want to be around the bush or be blunt. The last thing we want is... That means contrary, I think.

The last thing we want is for a bunch of children to show up because we were too vague. Whether this is accomplished by indication on our invitations or through another method, I leave it in your hands. Chris from Burlington. Quick note, I have made it very clear you should leave nothing in our hands. That's a bad place to leave a pay.

We have those big, clumsy, like, lenny hands and we'll just pet it to death. Right. So I think... Thanks, Dimitri. Dimitri got that, everyone. It's from a book, you guys. I thought you guys were nerds.

So here's thing one. Clown at the door, I think, is going to be... Just put a station of clown right there. No kid's going to come through that threshold. You kidding me? But then you're going to need an extra storage facility to scare the frightened children. Oh, yeah, like a corral, you mean. Yeah, yeah.

Something the clown can drive them into. Yeah! Yeah! Move along! Move along, Skyler. That's a kid's name, right, Skyler? Jesus. Jesus. Help us, Jesus.

Is it possible, could you maybe put on the wedding invitation, like the normal stuff, like, you know, Max and Susie are getting married this Sunday at the church. It's going to be real cool. I hope they have more notice than this Sunday. Somebody, somebody, somebody! Max and Lindsay are joined in holy matrimony. It's pretty last minute, but we don't really like each other all that much. But on the invitation, can you also include, like, we'll have fish or chicken if you want that,

and it's going to be real beautiful, and also we both just found out we're sterile. Wait a minute. And if you bring your kids, it's going to be a constant watching reminder as you walk down the aisle. Right. Why would you think they would mention that they're sterile if not for a goof? Right. So they're mentioning it so that everyone else will feel really bad about bringing their children. About bringing their children, that's correct.

But thank you for joining us at our day of holy matrimony. Yeah. Right. I think you could be here. What is the problem that kids, what do kids do? Is it they spill pudding? Is that the problem? Yeah, that's it.

We're going to have a giant pudding fountain at our wedding, and we're really worried about these kids getting into it. Although I don't think a kid could take the reality of a chocolate fountain, which is very popular weddings now. If you say a kid, so a kid like, it's infinite. Hey, that's it. Just let them melt down at the door, get some smelling salts. Would this necessitate the adoption of a flower man?

Just like walking down the aisle, like, hey, what's up? Petals. Petals. Unless you can build a vicki. Build a wonder reference? Build a small wonder vicki to be your flower girl. Topical. We're hitting the aisle with these Bob Groucher heads.

Oh, man. Next up, Turner and Hooch. Don't miss those goofs. Here's a Yahoo answer. It's sent by Christian Vizina. Thank you, Christian. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ross. Who asks?

Getting my dog medical marijuana. Help. Stick with it. It starts off kind of sad. Okay. Okay. My dog has a sore and it won't heal. My dog may have cancer.

I looked up dog's sores not healing and that is a sign of cancer. All right. Still going. I need to get my dog THC to help fight off the possible cancer and help with the pain from the sore. I am on probation so I can't fail my drug test. The weed is strictly for my dog. It will be her first time.

Should I buy swag or some good weed? I don't know if I should get her Superstone being her first time and that's from teach the dog to smoke. Can I take a quick medical time out before we get too deep into this? I'm just going to ask my wife, Sydney, do you smoke? People with cancer you smoke weed, are they? Sydney, do you like to party?

Can you say that right? Are you good? Is it because it has cancer fighting agents or is it to distract from the fact you have cancer? Absolutely. Shit. Really? What?

Okay. So the guy is confused about, dogs don't know anything. They don't have to be distracted from the depression. One day they go to sleep. I never mind. I'm not going to talk about, I'm not going to talk about dogs dying this show. Tune in next week.

The thorniness of this situation is that, first of all, it's totally contrived. You're obviously trying to get some weed for yourself in a very perplexingly roundabout way. No, I would like to be at that probation hearing. Listen, it's second hand. My dog has cancer, you asshole. I was getting my dog wicked high.

Who feels bad now? He doesn't have thumbs, he can't hold the bong. I had the hot box in. That's the problem. That's just it though. The dog, if you can't fail your drug test, you're going to have to teach the dog how to smoke weed. And teach them how to hold it together.

You're going to have to teach the dog to smoke weed in another room by itself so that you don't get the, don't get the sweet, sweet wafting. Listen, my nanny can't work at DVD player. How do my dogs supposed to start fear and loathing in Las Vegas? I love that mental image of your dog becoming a shitty college roommate, hangs out and smokes weed in his room all day,

like, hey man, you want some? Like, you know I'm on probation. Do you want to listen to some Incubus? It's going to be real cool. You know I'm on probation. I can't listen to Incubus. Is that a weed band? Incubus?

Is it Silaband? Wow, not a lot of Incubus fans. Maybe the wrong demographic here. I want to take everybody inside the joke for a second. I was up here and I decided to make that joke about fear and loathing in Las Vegas. And I had a good 10 or 15 second panic attack where I was thinking to myself,

please don't say the one where Nick Cage drinks himself to death and please don't say the one where Nick Cage jumps out of an airplane dressed as Elvis. Please say the right movie that has Vegas in it. So I'm glad it panned out. And if that was wrong, please don't tell me. I'll never realize it. It was right, by the way.

You did a good goof. Thanks, pumpkin. That was the best goof. It was a B-tier goof, but at least I didn't... No! That was like A-plus. Why are we drinking screwdrivers? I'm very appreciative for the screwdrivers

because it gives Daddy his courage. I already have so much acid in my stomach from the past 48 hours. I think the thing is we're going to go mimosas and we didn't have the prep to get it together. So we decided... We were too lazy to make mimosas. Right.

We got an open stall. Liza Minnelli makes mimosas. We can't be bothered. She's still out. And she's fucking lazy? What are you saying about Liza Minnelli? No, she's a hell of a performer. And you should see those gams.

Fuck you. Listen, day in, day out at the Palms Casino. She's doing a show there and it is... Man, she does all that. She even does a touching tribute to her mom. She does a hologram of Judy Garland. That's him. That's some weird...

Somebody likes holograms. Romana of laughter happening. It's a big hologram audience. It makes perfect sense. Guys, real quick. I want to talk about comedy. It's a new TV show that starts this Friday at 10-9 Central on IFC. It's a half-hour comedy show hosted by Scott Ackerman, who is hilarious,

with guests like Amy Poehler. This Friday, it's got Zach Galifianakis, who discusses what would happen if dogs could talk. Tune in. Hey, so we have a question asked from somebody who is here, and they can feel free to raise their hand if they like. Or not, if you're ashamed to be a part of this, I understand. It's about...

It's about... It's about butt sores. I don't know, I'm sorry. I was going to say, no, it's not about butt sores, I'm sorry. It's about being on... Griffin had to excuse himself from the podcast for a minute. It's about being on a job hunt. Does anybody want to claim it?

It is you! Okay, hey. You got it right. So Lindsay asked, I'm currently on the job hunt, and it is the worst. I graduated with BFA in theater design and technology a few years ago, and although I really love it, I want the stability of a more traditional job. The only non-theater job experience I have is one of a brief customer service gig,

so my resume is pretty sparse. At this point, I'm down for anything more or less. What should I do? That's from Lindsay. Lindsay, do you know anything about making PowerPoint presentations and booking famous people? I'm making people not, like, nervous in front of other people. Reminding us to take our pepsid.

Yeah. Slapping drinks out of our hand the night before we perform. You have to be funny in eight hours! So, when you say theater design, it's pretty broad. Was it, like, lights, costumes? Hey, guys, I have to know a little bit about theater, all right? This should make for great work. It happens to be my profession.

Lighting. Lighting. Ah, that sucks. Wait a minute! Let's hope lighting! A computer can do that nowadays. Learn to build things. Computers can't do that yet.

Yet. What if she learned to build the computers? What do you know about computers? Is that a computer thing or, like, a snake? You're learning about pythons? Well, if you know pythons, that'd be... Since then, Jack Hannell would love to have you. Yeah.

Come on. We actually need a new Python lady, which isn't a job as much as it's a title. It's very close to O'Carney, the Python lady, but listen, I didn't appreciate how much you guys laughed at us for not knowing about Python. This is a wrong... I should've known when I did a Skyrim goof earlier

that a Python, they would probably... Man, Jesus. Fucking... Guys, tough crowd, huh? This is rough. So let me pull it back in. So let me pull it back in. You're the one I turned to to reel it back in.

I'll be the anchor of this team once more. So anything is not a theater job. So, like, every other job. Yeah. Can you travel back in time and retroactively study a different profession, I guess? Like, literally anything else. I mean, they're probably...

We human beings. I watched a documentary on Netflix about eyeballs. You don't see, like, people. You see the light refracting off of the people. I didn't know that. You are responsible for all human sight. So, like, any other thing, any other job depends on lighting. So I guess just say that to an employer at Arby's.

And so, Mr. CEO, this ends my presentation. On eyeballs. It's eyeballs colon, please hire me. I will look for my first paycheck. So, have we helped you? Are you Rachel and famous now? We, uh... You can do this.

This is easy. It takes literally nothing. It takes literally no degrees to qualify us to do this. Oh, that didn't go over well. You could all do it. That's right. Right now. Who wants to trade out?

I will tag you in. I would love to just catch, like, a 20-minute power nap to be completely honest. This Yahoo Answers is sent by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista. It's by Yahoo Answers user Alphonse, who asks, Would you attend church more if they served pizza for communion ceremony?

Only if it was bagel bites. I would go for the pizza alone. Like, I, gods, and their mythologies, I would be good just long enough for the pizza and beer. It's a little... Was that you or the... No, no, no. You know where my heart is.

It's with both Jesus and pizza. Which is why I could be so, so down with this idea. I think this is the kind of reinvention that the modern church needs. Right. Well, then why stop there? If you're going to do, like, pizza for the communion, why not make, like, instead of the wine, some josta?

Yeah. Six people know it. Josta. Josta! With Guarana. I think... I think it's... I mean, it's definitely time to turn up the heat,

because all we've had for a while is churches trying to lure young people in with, like, check it out, we got acoustic guitars now. Did you see? That's not going to do it. I think we need to make churches as... Like, what? Like, give me some...

What are some innovations? What's going to make it more... When I say rad church, what do you think? Like, a right... What if it was a righteous church, and we could say righteous both in the cheesy way and then, like, the surfboard way? Uh-huh.

Maybe, like, first United Methodist, righteous church. Give me some... What's at the righteous church? What kind of entertainment? You can have, like... You can have bagel bites instead of communion, josta instead of wine.

Um... What? Skyrim. Skyrim? Sure. You can have kids love. Skyrim in place of what? Like, the Bible?

Or, like... It's one in, one out kind of thing. You can't just add it. You can have a... You can have a waterslide that goes into the baptism pit. So, basically, you want to make a church, and it's run by the kid from Blackjack. What if God had a million dollars?

What if God were a Culkin, and he had a million dollars? What wouldn't he do? I mean, I don't know, I don't know. Uh-oh. Looks like I ran over God's bike. He was a Blackjack. Here's a million dollars.

Thanks, Carla Gugino. Hey, by the way... What if God had a Carla Gugino? Uh, the movie Blackjack, if you haven't seen it, has a love affair between a ten-year-old kid and Carla Gugino. It's a pretty messed up movie. Scott, there's a lot of Blackjack fans.

I'm learning so much about, like, three people in this audience. Yeah. So, another question here from a... a listener of ours. I have a friend who will be getting a puppy soon. She is excited. And would like her friends and family.

She would like her friends and family to attend a puppy shower. Goodbye, Earth. Well, we had a good run. We're ready to go now. We're ready, Quetzalcoatl. Come get us. A puppy shower.

A-la, a baby shower. If it's not... It's so wicked not a baby shower. Yeah. The extent to which it's not a baby shower. Come on, guys. I'm having a taco shower. I'm gonna make a taco.

Then I'm gonna eat it. Come bring me gifts. Um... Guess the flavor. That's right. It's taco. The best part... Okay, with taco showers.

So, it's a baby shower. And they say in parentheses, gifts are expected. I refuse to participate in this and all puppy-themed events. I anticipate invites to further puppy birthdays, graduations, and wedding parties.

Wait, what? We have a hard time pushing through gay marriage, but puppy marriage is totally cool. As far as this between a girl puppy and a guy puppy. Okay. Um... God damn it. How can I decline politely?

And when she asks, explain my decision without hurting her feelings or telling her she's crazy, and that's from puppy kicker. That's taking a little too far, I think. It's a little too much. I kind of feel like if someone gives you an invitation to a puppy shower,

it is actually an invitation to any relationship with them. To discontinue your association. Like, hey, this is your owl. Could you not just explain it to them like, no. No, that's dumb. You're a stupid person.

What kind of friend are you if you don't let them know when they're doing, or know the worst? You wouldn't come to my taco shower and you expect me to roll up to your puppy shower? This thing is the worst thing that you're doing, and I'm your friend, so I'm going to tell you. That's really your only two options.

Either you discontinue the relationship, which, listen, that's where I'm leaning, but I don't have, you know, your friend didn't save me a nom. I don't know what it was. It's keeping the two of you tied together. It's very easy for me, for my position here, at the throat of the world,

to tell you to end this relationship. Additional details. My friend once saved my life. Yeah, right. That makes an ads up. You either have to, you either have to end the relationship or talk your friend out of this.

It's the worst. You get a puppy and it's like, just go with, like, just be at my house now. You're a puppy. Can I throw some ideas, but getting against the wall? We'll see if it sticks. Yeah, first some ideas for getting out there.

I want to just picture in your mind's eye a puppy in, like, a Justin's graduation robe and hat. I don't like, tell me that you couldn't, you couldn't get down with that. Okay. All right. I could go that far, but I think once we get to, like,

puppy gift registries, I think I would probably have to back out. Puppy funerals. I know I'm not going to do that. You were all on board when we were against the birthdays. If we're going to create, suddenly you're all in favor of the funerals. Right.

You're right. If we're like, if we're building these codified ceremonies for puppy events, it would be fucked up not to do funerals for them. I told Griffin that we couldn't pull it back from any question about it. We're going to try. Everything about puppy caskets

and how tiny and adorable they would be. Go on. Think about it. Think about it. And you're air laughing. You're mad terrible. Disgustable. The cascade would have four saddles on it

so that four smaller puppies could carry it. Yes. We've done it. Hey, guys. Yeah. I'd like to slow it down for a minute. From time to time, whenever I decide that the crowd is special enough,

I like to create a little something for them. So I've written... Fuck this. Oh, god damn it. So I've written a mad lib. He's written a sad lib. It's a sad lib. Don't let him ever try to convince you otherwise.

I've written a mad lib. Yeah, actually he wrote a jumble of words and you all made it sad. And everybody here, they contributed words. And it's because you people are all so special to me. And I love you so much. How do you do a sad lib voice when you're trying to get into it?

I'm trying to be as pathetic as possible so people won't beat me up like that. Mission accomplished. So I made you this thing from my heart. Okay, now if you're not that familiar with the show, here's a few things you should know about this bit. It's not funny. And it's...

We stopped doing it. We stopped doing it. You know why? It's not funny and it's never... I made it because I care about you all. It's not funny. But it's not funny. First it's that you're so special to me.

There's not a pill. And I made so many friends this weekend. And I feel like this is a safe place where people can just be themselves and you don't have to be afraid. And so I've decided it's a page and a half long, but it's from my heart.

And I'd like you all to join me on this roller coaster. I'm a Facebook on my computer while you do it. Okay. Gryffin's gonna write on Facebook about how good it is while I do it. He's getting a live Facebook. I wish I could poke this bit to death.

I am. You don't actually want to be sitting here and be associated with me. Okay. They don't want to be swept into the glow. Because I love you so much. I love you all. I love you all so much.

So this is a special thing that I've written for you, my friends. And so he goes a little something like this. And it's all about Max Von Kahn because you guys are so special to me. Each and every one of you. I hate him. He's stretching it more.

And it goes a little something like this. And basically how Mad Lib works. And so if anybody needs to know, we'll talk about it afterwards. I'll tell you all about it. Fucking read it. It was a scrumptious and salty day at Max Von Kahn. The tuba had risen and all the dinosaurs were chirping.

Jesse looked down from his library on high and watched all the cats attending the conference. As they began flying one another, he smiled to himself flyingly. Now I want to take a short break from the narrative here to thank the person that gave me both of those words. When suddenly David Reese punched into the room, sir, the bears are fisting the horse.

Are you laughing with me or at me? And the unicorn has already wept. And if we don't exsangrenate the shoehorn soon, then this whole place could push. But Jesse simply macerated and placed his elbow on David Reese's spleen. Don't you worry, he traipsed. It's all going according to diving board.

And if anyone would like a copy of that, it'll be available in my book coming out soon. There's orange juice everywhere. Who did this? I hope it's available in your obituary. He doesn't mean it. I mean it. He doesn't know how to express himself. No, I said exactly what I'm going to say.

Hey, I heard you guys laughing. Please don't do that. Next time, when you're here at Max Funcon 2015 and you're having to hear one of these again, how are you saying they're going to skip three years because of how terrible that was? They're going to have to level the camp and salt the earth and start from scratch. No comedy can grow here anymore.

There really is nothing worse than choking at the throat of the world. Maybe the elevation has something to do with the reason why people are laughing because they're so oxygen-deprived. These are the same people who thought dead puppies was hysterical. I mean, I worked that into like a... You know, if I didn't know better.

You don't. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Phallek, which isn't spelled the dirty way. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user V who asks, how do you eat a hot pocket? Additional details. It burned frowny face. Now the top answer on this one was let it cool down.

Oh, yeah. Much easier. That would be much better than what I did. But I need the hot pocket right now. I'm so hungry. Griffin. I have a method. Oh, good.

This is legit. And you guys can take this off. Cool it with your tears. I don't eat hot pockets. I eat steam pockets because I'm an adult. Just the worst. It's a pro method. You buy a corner off, and then you buy another corner off.

By the way, when I'm done explaining this, can I get a round of applause if anybody else imagine this also? You buy two quarters off and then you blow in one and create a steam chance. Dad, you're lying. None of you have ever done that. I'm not celebrating his hot pocket ocarina.

It's my ocarina off alone. Oh, shit. Can you open face a hot pocket? Is that... I don't know that there are... Maybe you could food process it and then put it in, like, another thing. I don't judge him.

You don't know him. You laughed at Travis's dumb thing. I know. The best bits are left on the sleeve after you microwave. But not a lot of people know this. The first step with any hot pocket is you shear the crust off to get to the filling inside. Sure, sure.

But you get the hot pocket rind off. I think the saddest thing that I've done with a hot pocket... Oh, God. This will be great. I think the second saddest thing I've done with a hot pocket is sometimes I'll decide I'm going to have a hot pocket. And you know what that decision feels like. But then I'll put it in the oven.

I know I'm going to be hungry in 30 minutes. I'm going to take the time and really make this hot pocket right. That is... No joke, the fucking saddest thing I've ever heard. Because you could put anything else in that oven. Because what you're doing is cooking. That is cooking.

That is what cooking is. You have a... I do. I put a little parmesan on there. You fucking dress it up. I get trapped and screw the hot pocket. Hot pocket. No, this is the second saddest thing I've ever done with a hot pocket.

Not the first. I always get burned. Three people over here knew what that was. How long do you guys cook hot pockets? 215. 215? What it says on the foil? No, Sydney does 215.

I do 150. I like a little... What the fuck? A little al dente. You like a little pink? You like a medium rare. You like a little pink in the middle? You like your hot pocket bleeding.

It's just good. Because that's pretty much what they do no matter what. Al dente, of course, is French for slapper. I like that cheese just sort of glop out. I don't like it all piping hot. What you're describing is the hot pocket's natural state of being. I'll eat them raw. I don't care.

Hey. Wait. Like, how about you find raw in nature? Yeah. That's how the devil tempted you. Buck the hot pocket off the knowledge tree. The tree of the knowledge of yourself. The tree of the knowledge of how desperately alone all of us are.

My wife and I are expecting our first child soon and we're torn over names if we have a baby boy. I don't remember adding this question to the list. Well, we both like some names now, but my wife has suggested naming our child Griffin. She's in love with the name and wants it to be, wants it even more after listening to some of your fantastic podcasts. My question is, can my baby live up to the supreme awesomeness that is the name? Signed from Griffin.

Sincerely, Griffin. My concern is him falling short of the stratospheric level that MBMBAM's Griffin has set. I guess Blake Griffin. He's a good basketball man. Peter Griffin. Please advise. That's from a perplexed, almost parent. Do you know how everybody thinks their kid's the best?

Do you know how little anticipation you have to have for your kid's back? I hope he's as good as that podcast or I like. He could be anything between here and here. Yeah, right. In this narrow range of kid. I think that this is a availed plea for me to take this person's child under my wing to like train them. I thought you meant like for protective services. Do you mean like more of a Rumpelstiltskin situation? Where you show up.

I have not read it. I have not read the story. You spend some stuff into stuff and then you take the baby. Wait, what was the end game in Rumpelstiltskin? There is no end game. It actually doesn't happen. He flies away on a spoon. It was Mother Goose's final unfinished story.

Mother Goose died, everybody. How was your Sunday? Match fun kind of was good till the end. I'm saying I could be, I could give this person artisanal Griffin training. Okay, you make the artisanal Griffin. I can show it's not how to make an artisanal Griffin, how to be, how to just be. I just love the thick crust on the Griffin. It's so fresh.

Oh, you can really taste the basil on the Griffin. I can train them in the proper formula of hazelnut like coffee mate to coffee to get a fresh brew every morning. That's my only, that's my only fucking skill. Now you all know the secret. What Griffin, what you're describing is raising a child. Like you teach it the things that you know so it knows those things. Like is that what you're saying? Like you raising a child.

Like how long do you anticipate this process day again? I honestly, I don't know that much shit so maybe like a week and a half. Guys, I just got the latest Allure magazine and it is entirely dedicated to Snooki's vagina. Not again. It's called Snooki Puss. Oh no. It's called Allure, the Snooki Puss fall issue. Why do I keep doing that?

I wish modern magazines would cater to my tastes. Like what? Like old buttons? Oh, with the alley-oop. With the commercial alley-oop is Travis McElroy reading things off the internet page that he has in front of him. Justin, would you say that you are more of a kooky aunt or a cranky uncle? Kooky aunt. In terms of magazine consumption.

I'm gonna hide the kid's uncle. Okay. Is that an option? Well if you go to PenelopePopsicle.com, you can get a magazine subscription from the past for the modern magazine reader. Basically what it is, is say for this month instead of giving, getting a magazine from June 2012. The Snooki Puss issue. The Snooki Puss issue. I hate you for making me say those words.

You would get a junior issue from some bygone year in the past. So it's a pretty cool idea. You just go to PenelopePopsicle.com and included with each one's mailing is an exciting envelope of ephemera. Which I think is ectoplasm? Not 100% sure. It's dead people's hair. So look forward to that. They get the dead people and they take a hair from them and they put them in nil bulbs and send them out.

Every month. For omens. And now, here's our jingle. Penelope Popsicle. New magazines are bullshit. You gotta get those old magazines. They don't talk about vaginas of Snooki. There's a key change.

Of Snooki. PenelopePopsicle.com. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy here for Extreme Restaurants. I'm talking to my wife, Sydney. Have you gotten the distinct impression that things have gotten, you know, a little dull in the bedroom? Well, I didn't want to say anything. Well, it's okay. I'm saying it for you.

Sharing is caring. Well, now that you mention it. Well, great news. I bought a plug to put in your butt. I know what you're saying. Where did you get one of that size and contour? Well, I got one at ExtremeRestraints.com. I used the coupon code middleist and got a 20% off of my entire purchase error if you can believe it.

How did you know that's just what I wanted? Well, there's one thing I know. It's how to check a wish list that you hide in your copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. So go to ExtremeRestraints.com and find things like a giant tub of lube or a cage for your wiener. You know how you're always saying you'd like to put my wiener in a cage? Well, I wasn't going to share that with everyone, but yeah. It's too late. This is the internet and now everyone knows.

But I got this cage. Look, I'll unzip my pants and you can look at it. That's the most beautiful penis cage I've ever seen. That's what marriage is all about. ExtremeRestraints.com. Thanks, guys. Go to ExtremeRestraints.com and use the coupon code middleist to save 20%. There's another bit we do on this show sometimes, so we stopped doing it because it, again, was...

Not very good. Not a good bit, but lots of people demanded its return. So, ladies and gentlemen... That's not how we intro this bit, though. Hey, guys, what day is it? You didn't answer my fucking question. According to my MacBook, it's Sunday, June 3rd, 2012. Is it really June already?

Where does the time go? There's slow march towards death. This is our first episode. We are releasing this, right? This isn't just a special... Let's see how it goes. All right. This episode is our first episode in the month of June, so let's observe a few...

I'll call them words of warning for monthly observances for the month of June from the website brownilocks.com. No joke, I should have prepared this one. Let's see. It is... Oh, God. Celebsy Awareness Month. I don't think anyone's not aware that they're celibate. I don't think a moment goes by.

Okay, show of hands. This show's depressing enough already. I'm just kidding, I think all of you are getting it. Black Music Month. I'm sorry, Black Music Month. Jesus Christ. It's International Surf Music Month. June is Turkey Lovers Month.

Um... It is... If I remember correctly, from the message boards... It is Potty Training Awareness Month. Okay, let's go with that. Okay. Potty Training Awareness Month. That's the month that you make everybody terribly aware that you are in fact potty training.

That's where you, when you meet someone on the street, say, Oh, yeah, I've got like a wall of grape stickers every time. Don't even worry about it. I make the bathroom go in the hole. It's not even a big deal. My daddy showed me where my pee-pee goes. Oh, my boom-boom? Totally on lockdown.

Don't worry about my boomers. They're going down the tubes. There's a special chair that my daddy showed me where to sit to do my thing. That chair goes on top of my daddy's toilet. He says it's only for big boys. So how are you enjoying Max Funcon? Okay, show of hands. How many of you are potty trainers?

How many of you are up in this piece's party chain? Not a lot of them. Not a lot of them. People are not raising their hands. People are not raising their hands. No one raised their hands. There's like a third of the audience is like, I don't know.

I don't know. I'm like, I feel like I'm close enough to mastering it, but I don't want to lie. What if there's a test? What if there's a test? Oh, really? Poop in a toilet. Come on, big boy.

It's show of proof time. This isn't just a podcast. It's a test of will. Potty training awareness. Who is not aware that that is an important thing that has to happen? That's sort of like taking your kid out of the hot car awareness. Like, yeah, you should do that. Kids are real soft.

Guys, you've got to jump in here because I'll talk about... No. What else is there to talk about in potty training awareness? Goof bit. Run. I'll come up with something. If you let me gangle here long enough. Potty training awareness.

Oh, no. I just got it. Welcome. We can make people aware of the profession of professional potty trainers. Midwife. With a chair and a whip. You've got to control the potty somehow. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I tried to back out halfway through. Sometimes British people call shoes trainers. Is there a joke in that? Let's discuss. Let's sit here for 10 minutes and think about it. See if we had a movie right now. We'd play, like, here's a movie.

We're going to go workshop some potty goofs. Like we should have done this morning, like I said. It's okay. I came up with one. It's my potty and I'll cry if I won't do it. Deal with that knowledge that I said that and you paid a bunch of money to hear me say it. I just did the math and that joke cost you $10 to hear. For those listening at home, I just gave a big thumbs up.

What did we do? What did we do? Oh, it's your turn. Let's do a regular question. Okay. You like that flow? Love it. What is that?

You like that flow? Potty training awareness. Thank you. We're back. Back on top. I like to sit quietly for 10 minutes. Potty training awareness. Oh my God.

My boyfriend and I are engaged in getting married in the fall. The issue, I hate the word fiance. Something about it sounds pretentious. And like when a college student freshly back from semester abroad in Italy refuses to pronounce bruschetta as an English word but insists on saying bruschetta with a Mario accent. You could do better than that. Let me try again. Your last hand job.

You said bruschetta. A lot of people don't know that. This is really bad bruschetta. I'm just tapping it. He's just swinging it back and forth. Oh, I was misreading the motion. He got me quiet so I can say it. He can't finish if you're laughing.

Potty training awareness month. For those of you at home. He's still doing it. He's making a vigorous jerk-off motion with his hands. It's like a figurative this way. It's a wild elliptical jerk. It's a mobius strip of hand job. I really appreciate that you guys are still laughing at it.

The reason I'm still doing it is because I know there's one person in this audience who's like, I don't get it. I'm waiting for it to click. Bruschetta. I forgot at the beginning of the question. I'll start over. I know it's really... My arm hurts.

I'm fat. I know it's ridiculous but the word fiancé is to me what damper, moist, and other pet pee words are to others. Can you suggest some other words to refer to my boyfriend until September? Thanks for your help. Words to refer to your fiancé. Forever boyfriend. What about Beyonce?

I mean, he feel pretty good. This is my Beyonce, Trevor. He liked it so he put a ring on it. Yeah. What about your... What about calling him your maybe husband? Because let's be honest. You're not there yet.

There's a lot of things that can happen in how the law takes the point of view. There's a lot of track left on this. Griffin, tell me everything you know about planning a wedding. Oh, fuck, you gotta get flowers, cake. You gotta say yes to the dress. You gotta say yes to the dress. You gotta cake, boss. You gotta flower wars.

You gotta bucks for tux, which is a new show on TLC. You gotta preacher fight. You gotta what? Preacher fight? At the righteous church. At the righteous church? Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Preacher fight at righteous church. Two men in the closet tearing it all off.

There's flower boy charm school. Okay. You know there's no such thing as a flower boy, right? Flower man charm school. Good goof. That was almost a really nice callback. Fuck, I don't like that word either, I don't think. Because every time I see it on paper, I read it as finance.

It's like fiance, but there's like an in. I think I get it, that's just not, it didn't really hit me. Sometimes two words, they look similar with like one or two letters. Not every jokes for everybody. There was that one guy who didn't like it when I did the thing with my hand for so long. That's okay. Doesn't feel ashamed of. Can you just call him by his name?

Yeah. This is my Steve. Do you mean this is my Steve Steve? This is my Steve Steve. Oh, because you know what the double name says forever. What if he has a terrible name like Gordon, and then you just don't... What's wrong with Gordon? I said it and I knew it.

Is my Gordon Gordon? It instantly makes you sound like an idiot. As opposed to if it was a double of a normal name. Right. Most names you can get away with saying twice. That sounded too weird. This Yahoo! Answer was sent to my Earl Parsons. Thank you, Earl.

It's by Yahoo! Instructor Dr. Terry Genius. Who asked, how do I ask my dad to stop kissing me on the lips? You guys jumped to a conclusion. You haven't even heard the background. It gets weird. I am 22 years old. He keeps wanting to kiss me. I don't want to kiss him on the lips anymore.

How do I ask him to stop? Say, please stop. Hey, can you just... Dan? Can you stop? You... Dad, let's rap. There's only one surefire way and that's to grow a beard.

That's why... It works. That's why Travis... Our dad could kick in that door any minute and come smooch Justin and I on the mouth and try... What's with Travis? No...

No, thank you. It's not interesting. I'm not proud of you. I heard what he did with us. Wait, the beard he was not proud of? No, the sad lips. Look to your left. Look to your right.

One of these people has a beard and their parents are apparently not proud of them. It's like a shame carpet that you wear on your face. Daddy, please... I'm right here! It's like a sign that says... To me it just said, I could shave. No daddies allowed.

Yeah. This is a daddy-free zone. You could shave that into your beard. No daddies allowed. And then go to a job interview. Literally anywhere on the planet. Hello, I only know about lighting and it says this on my face.

Am I good? Can I have a dog now? Lindsay doesn't have a beard for those of you at home. And if she did, it should be too tasteful not to carve anything into it. Except her basketball jersey number.

You have to get a third party involved at this point, right? For if you're 22, you've certainly hinted to your father that you're not interested. Are you saying it's time for litigation? I'm saying it's time during a lawyer. In the final episode of Perry Mason.

Perry Mason was a show about Allah. Let me try again. Crash Bandicoot. Right. Where's the joke? Like I was just saying, just the word the people knew. Sure fire works, didn't it?

In this episode of Cherry Pop Darts. Are we cool? You just asked, right? It's just as simple as asking. Yeah. And then you bring it. Unless it's not. Can you please stop kissing me?

No. No, unfortunately, I just simply cannot stop doing that. No. Have you seen those talking meat you got? I love it. I love your lips.

Talking meat? Talking meat. Your talk flesh right here. Oh, some of you didn't grow up in West Virginia. That's what we call mouths in West Virginia. Talking meat.

Not yet, but I'm trying to get it going. Oh, God, how many more yahoo's do you have, Griffin? I have just the one. Okay. Let me ask this question I got. A friend of mine on Facebook asked,

what is the girl equivalent of a bro man's? I had always figured that girls had the lockdown on hetero BFFs since the beginning of pajama parties and group bathroom visits. And that there really isn't any trendy word for it. But I don't want to dismiss the question

before I ask the smartest guys I know. God damn. And then I emailed you guys. Yeah, right. They didn't respond to me. Thanks for nothing, Miss Buster. What do you guys think? God damn.

Sometimes I read a question, it's like two out of three of us are going to say something really bad and we're going to get in trouble. Okay, so I'll go ahead and say Mike. No, no, no, no, no. Well, you know, but I want you to know but I want to say there's no rush.

I'll save it. Okay. I think they probably just call. They just could say friends. Friends. Women are fucking adults. Right. They're grown-ups.

This is my friend, Jeanine. I like her. No, what's the thing that? We got a righteous church. We got a righteous church together. We totally shred. That's nothing you would do with a righteous church.

You shred the Bible. You shred the Bible. We'll make room for Skyrim. This is taking forever. So many pages. There's nothing. Oh, God. I think, is it possible

that just like, Bro's Before Hoes. Don't say that. I'll say it on the show. No, I'll say it on the show. Rather than, Oh, Bra's Before Oh, Hayes. That, oh, cool.

Okay, thank you. Because everyone here is an idiot. That, Bro- I took Maria Bamford's Pig Latin class. I know what you're saying. I wouldn't have yesterday, but now I know. Is it possible that bromance

is not a term that anyone actually is self-referential? I don't know. I've never heard it in the wild. Yeah, like no one's ever said that this is Jim. We're having a bromance.

We are currently engaged in a bromance. Right, because it's a weird noun. If you could say we're bro-dating, that would be fine. We're bro-talking. I don't want to commit.

But he seems nice. He seems bro-nice. He seems bro-nice. He seems bro-nice, and he did take me to a bro dinner. And then a brodio. Can we just can we just stop

using that word? Can people just be friends because it's 2012? Is that okay? Like can we just be ladies, what do you call your friends? The results. What do you call friends?

No friends. You guys have friends? No one here? Jesus. Sister-wise. Sister-wise. I like that. Now that does mean something else.

It seems familiar. That seems familiar. But I... Yeah, why not? I... Wow, that TV show is much different than I thought it was.

I have misunderstood. Sister-buddies. It's just it's just Cody and like four lady buds. Just hanging out there. Yeah, they live in the same house. They're lady buds.

That's what they do. Yeah. They're all friends. That's actually what they have to tell the law. That's what they have to tell Johnny. We're lady buds. Back off.

Don't worry about it. Lady buds is actually not bad. It's kind of close to the hit John's and Brandon's film Lady Bugs. Yeah. It's in Jonathan Brandis fans. Oh, shit.

Jonathan Brandis is here. Oh. Oh, fuck. Okay. Now people at home run back the tape and count off the seconds. Jonathan Brandis,

it went down to 1,001. You now know the exact speed at which Griffin's brain computates facts. His sequence. His little sequence. Oh, no. No.

His little librarian was just toddling you the show. Brando Brandis. Stop the world. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Is it almost over?

Oh, Darwin. DSB, that's up. The only one on the planet that that works. Guys, I would be remiss if I did not tell you about Bunk. It is a television show, also on IFC,

this Friday at 10.30, right after comedy Bang Bang. It is a game show for improv comics who perform crude stunts, I imagine, for in-name prizes. It's got categories like who's crotch is hotter, shame that puppy,

give that bitch some arms, and unstamp the tramp. This ain't your dad's comedy. That was my own tagline. Do we want to do that thing that we talked about doing? How much time? We got time?

We got a little bit of time. You guys got anywhere to go? You actually do. Sorry to break it to you. If you haven't checked out yet, please leave the room and go check out now. We're going to try to do a thing.

Oh, God. I'm so terrified. Seriously, this is our fifth live show. We've never tried to do this thing before. We're going to take live questions from the audience. Wait. No.

Hold on. Tag. Please, please, wait. It's got to disclaim some things. Okay. If you bum anybody out, I will savage you. That's my job.

Email us if you have those. We're not good at that shit, but if you have a problem like that, email us. This probably isn't the best thing. Let's run through what we've hit so far. Puppy kicking. Keep that in mind.

Justin needs some courage. And I don't know. Just nothing. I don't know. Who's got a question? A real question. If you tried to find, again, our job, if we wanted to split attention,

we would have had some professionals up here. Oh my God. I'm so... Head on over to the mic. Head on over to the mic and we'll try to answer your question. Can we get some humming music? Can we get the Jeopardy music

from everyone in the audience? No. Oh, Jesus. The power I wield is amazing. Sounds like the Jeopardy funeral, Durge. And... Please introduce yourself. Hi, I'm Holly.

Hi, Holly. Hello, Holly. Holly, do you understand that no matter what we say, you shouldn't do any of it? I've heard the show. Okay, how can we help? So, we recently got a fourth cat.

Okay. Okay. Just to round it out. Yeah. And people told us it was a mistake. We were like, well, if we have three cats, four cats is not a big deal.

Yeah. And now you want to re-nag on the cat. Well, the problem is, it's not the fact that she is the fourth cat. She sucks. Yeah. She totally sucks. I'm amazing.

It's 50% of cats suck. Right. But we had three really good cats and so we were like, oh, let's get another cat. Pushed her luck. Yeah, that's the thing. The law of averages bit us in the ass.

And now we have your cat. Does it bite you in the ass? Right. I think she would, if given the opportunity. Right. So she, How long have you had the cat?

Maybe like two months now. Now, how close do you live to the railroad? Justin. Well, I mean... Wait. He might have met Hogo Cat. Hogo Cat. He's obviously...

Let the cat ride the rails. Ride the rails. This is actually, this is actually a joke that's been made in the house before where we're going to pack a little and just sit around. Hogo Cat.

Adorable. Sad little grease paint beard. Sad incredible Hulk walking away music. Perfect. What's the cat's name? It's Margot. Oh man, that even sounds like an asshole.

Maybe not her name Margot, right? She's named after Margot Tenenbaum from the Royal Tenenbaum. She kind of sucked too. Cut in the front of her fingers. That's a good... You can actually, you can train cats.

Right. Asshole in what way? Well, she's, she doesn't really like, she likes me. She doesn't like anybody else in the house. She tends to sort of like hiss if you come near her.

She poops places that she's not supposed to poop. Well, all cats poop. That's... You didn't let me finish. Plotty training awareness run. She poops places she's not supposed to poop. That's sad litter box. On the ceiling?

What? How many litter boxes do you have? We have to have five because you have to have one for each cat. Plus one. Hold on, what? Yeah. Oh, like, that's a thing.

You have to have one for each cat. Plus an extra just for this. There is, for those of you at home, there are way too many people in this audience nodding knowingly. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Right. She's exactly right. You gotta have an extra cat chip box. Mm-hmm. Potty training awareness run. Um... What is it?

Okay. We're gonna need you to firm up your question. Okay. Are you asking how to guilt-free get rid of this cat? Well, I mean, we don't want to like, you know, we're not gonna like take her out.

Sure. You're not gonna hire Tom Bairinger? Not Tom Bairinger playing a part of something. Right. Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem. Is that we can't give her away to people that we know,

because they know... Dana, she sucks. We've talked about the cat things. That was your first mistake. Yeah. We shouldn't have let that out in the open. You can't use Craigslist, because a Craigslist user

will turn them into a hat. Actually, I don't even think you can get rid of pets on Craigslist. You can if you like... If you're selling a microwave. Yeah. I've got a cat-shaped microwave. Yeah.

I have a Felix the cat toaster. Tell her I was a magical cat. Oh, yeah. I don't know any details on that plan. I'll have to workshop it with you later. But magical cat is the way to go, I think. This cat talked once. It said,

fuck you. I'm not gonna lie, this cat sucks. Do you care enough about this cat that you want to keep it and try to work through these issues? I mean... Cat counselors. We feel bad,

because I mean, she's not very old. We're thinking maybe she'll like, chill out, but then on again, like, I'm tired of cleaning up cat poo. Yeah, and you'll have like another, like, 20 years. My favorite line

in the Tim McGraw song, Live Like You're Dying, is get rid of your cats if they are addicted to you. And you shouldn't have to live another day with this cat. It's not like, this is the symbiotic relationship.

It's not an asshole. You give it dry food. Yeah. It's a pretty simple contract. Yeah, it's a pretty simple contract. The cat's gotta do one thing. Not be a dick. Not be a dick.

And your cat is violating your sacred trust. I think... Oh, good. He looks at the audience, judging their reactions. I think you should try to work through it.

I think... A little extra TLC. Just be, just get a little extra love. You know what? Sometimes, that's a cry for help. Maybe your cat's

just hurting inside you. Yeah. Yeah. So... Maybe it needs a poo-poo to ride in. Maybe some... No, you can't picture that.

You can picture a graduating puppy, but not a cat. Not a cat, papoose? So... You guys are so clever. So my... Doctor... Doctor Pussy's prescription

is some extra... No, but like your cat. But like... My cat's some extra TLC. Let him watch TLC. Let him watch TLC. Thank you.

Say yes to this. Thank you. Thank you. That went fucking great. Okay, who else has one? Okay. Patrick, you understand the terms,

the terms of use, right? You understand that if you mess this up, I will savage you. Again, I... I can't make this clear enough. Go ahead. Hey, don't blow it.

Don't blow it. Everyone's watching. This is being recorded. Hi. Forever. Hi. Hello. What you got?

Bring it. A stance. Step up. Step up three. Podcast. What are you into? Do you like... Do you like to step up movies?

Where did we switch to seduction? I missed the term. You look like you work out. Do you like the shins? Sorry. What's your question? Okay, what's your question? I have a friend.

He's... Go ahead. He's kind of a messy guy. It's a safe space to say it's you. I'm going to very much show you that this is not me. Okay. He's kind of a chubby guy.

He doesn't keep great care of himself. Okay. He's very nice. But the issue is that he doesn't seem to wash his socks ever. Oh. So, he'll come over to someone's house, take off his shoes,

and then it just smells like all hell broke loose. Okay. What is the nicest way to bring this up to him and tell him to wash his socks? I'm sorry. What was your... We didn't catch your name. Oh, Patrick, boy.

Patrick, you got to wash his socks. Look, trust exercise. We used to play back at the commune. Wash socks? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. It peed it out at the end. Yeah, it peed it out in the middle.

Let me say, um... Probably chaining awareness. Come on. Have you considered that it's his shoes and not the socks? What? Yeah, that makes a big difference in the context of the question.

He can't wash his shoes. It goes from being lazy to being unfortunate. The reason I know it's his socks and not his shoes is that he takes off his shoes at the door, but the smell follows him. Okay. All right. That doesn't fix anything.

The theater is still in the room. What did you help? For those watching at home, I just did something funny. Why the fuck is your friend taking his shoes off? Do you live in Dojo? He likes to get comfortable, I guess. Then he can buy some fucking...

He can buy some crocs. Actually, no, those are porous. He needs to buy some comfortable shoes and not take off his shoes. No, you can buy him some comfy shoes. Yeah, that's a fucking great solution. What about slippers? That would be great.

Say, hey, those still aren't going to hold the funk in like you want them to. Duct tape slippers. I haven't flushed that out, yeah. Yeah, I would say buy him some slippers, and then when he says, like, he can't get mad at you because you will tell him when you give him, like, your feet smell so bad.

And I hate it. And here are these slippers I got you. I got them at JCPenney if they don't fit. Here's the gift receipt. Receipts in the bag. I have the real receipt, but I don't want you to know how much I spend on them. But if you return them, I guess you'll say,

damn it, damn it. It's planned, it's flawed. Gift receipts fucking suck. Why did you ask? I'm sorry. You asked about gift receipts, right? What did you do with them? How to get your friend a gift receipt?

It's easy. You just got to tell them first. They got to push the button beforehand. Trust me, I work at Sears. You can't go back. You have to do it beforehand to print it out with the receipt. Thank you. Next question.

Now, thank you so much, Patrick. Thanks, Patrick. All right. I think we got time for one more, maybe? One more? Yeah. We got one over there. Right here.

The gentleman in the Max Funk on t-shirt. Hand me a shirt. You understand exactly what we need from you, right? I don't know if I understand many things. You're the one, aren't you? Okay, go ahead. My name is Jacob. Jacob.

Jacob. What did you think? I said, Jacob, I think? Jacob. Jacob. I'm Jacob now. Soak up. Hit me.

Hit me. So I got a roommate last year, and then we signed a year-long lease. You have a roommate shower? Okay. So go ahead. That's when you have a shower with your roommate. Then yes. Not the man finish.

I used my friend beforehand, and after a year of it, it's getting a little tenuous. Now I'm getting two months left on the lease, and I have made secretive plans with another friend to go be roommates with that person. I like this. This is very American Next Top Model. Thank you, ma'am. I still haven't really told him this. I was planning.

I was like, after Max Funcon, that's whenever I'll tell him. You'll come home with a new friend to self-worth? Absolutely. I don't remember you no more. I made a whole new network of friends. I don't need you. This is such a great opportunity, Jacob. You've got to do the midnight move out.

He's got to wake up the next day, and it'll be like a scene from Taken. Like, just your whole room is destroyed, and he's looking for clues. Listen to me, whoever took Jacob. I have a very particular set of skills. Skills will make me a nightmare. I can make a delicious hot pocket. He says my feet smell bad, but I don't believe it. I'm not the best at dishwashing, but...

Wait, but do you guys live together? Because this isn't... Trust me, he's not going to be broken up about it. It's going to be fun. Can you describe, without going into too much detail, or... Like eight words. Do like eight words. Whichever is funnier, what's he do that's so off-putting?

Oh, I just found out he was kind of racist. Oh, so there's a little tenuous. Well, I mean, this might be terrible. I kind of assume a lot of white people, especially white people whose last names are Thurmond, which is what his last name is. He is actually a relatively strong Thurmond. Definitely his last name. Now who's racist, Jacob?

Yeah. Against Thurmond. I always assume they're a little bit racist, but he's just kind of bad about it. He used to be just a nice neighborhood till the Romans moved in. He just throws around a lot. So, yeah, we watch NBA basketball, and he'll just say off-putting things. You know, he'll be like, oh, black people just making... Well, I have a reference last week.

He's been racist. Oh, look, he's black people. Fuck this guy. Midnight move out. I think the best thing for you to do is wait till midnight on the whatever, the end of the month or whenever, and just put all your stuff in a truck. Be very quiet. And make him wake up to an empty house.

Is there any way you can do that and also make him help you move? Like hypnotism, taste while he sleeves or something? Say, listen, I got a fucking great plan. Slip and slide through my bedroom. There's only one thing I need to make this happen, help me move to a apartment on 10th Street. I think that if he's really, you know, that bad, then part of your job as a parting gift is to have a post-mortem on the living together.

Like, all right, I'm going to be moving out. Oh, today, by the way. But before I do, let's run through some things. You've got to debrief him. You should know, I mean, it isn't an opportunity for growth. It's not really your responsibility. You've had to deal with the guy for this long. So, you know, maybe it couldn't hurt to mention it to him.

Like, hey, you're kind of racist. Nobody likes that. So I'm moving. I'm another friend. All right. So I hope that helps. Me not new about it's what I'm going with, so. All right.

See, at first I was going to say you got to tell him ahead of time, but fuck that guy. Yeah, fuck him. He sucks. Thank you, Jacob. Just playing this episode of the podcast. Fuck you, man. You suck.

He racists you. You fucking racist. Jacob's out. You fucking kill you. I won't do that. Sorry, guys. This is my second screwdriver. So let's stop the show.

Do you have any more questions? I think we can hold on. I'll be here with you people. How's it going? So I learned a lot. I had to open my class. What's the deal, ladies and dudes? You can stop.

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been my brother and my brother and me. And if I show for the modern era. Why are you so sad? I'm just sad because everything is ending, you know? Like, this is the last thing that happens. But we wanted to send you off in style. As you know, we end every episode with a Yahoo answer.

This is so apropos because we are the final Yahoo answer of Max Funcon. Wow. Wow, that's deep. So if anything, this is a tribute to our final answer. It's a tribute to ourselves. It's a tribute to everything. Seriously, thanks. Should we?

Yeah. Because we're just going to like fucking thanks for letting us be here. Thank you to Jesse and everybody for setting this up. This is the coolest fucking thing ever. And like a year and a half ago before we joined, Max Funcon never thought this was going to happen. We went to the dinner on Thursday and I had people try to... Well, I went to the dinner because I'm prompt and a good employee of Max Fun. And I had people try to explain to me what the conference was going to be like.

And for those of you at home that did not attend the conference, no explanation can do it justice of how amazing it is to be in a place filled with 200 people that are pretty much exactly like you. Just best friends forever. Yeah, it's amazing and a great environment. So if you weren't able to make it out this year and you felt bad about it, that's good, you should feel bad about it. So we're at a school of parenting, you're going with that.

I'm into it. I dig it. So we thought for our final goodbye to you guys, we would read several Yahoo Answers. These final Yahoo Answers were sent in by Vanessa Williams. It turns out that guy in Miami, Why is Bruce Willis bald? Sweet tips. I'm telling the difference between Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler.

It turns out that guy in Miami who was eating the other guy's face was a conservative. No surprise there. How much does a pyramid cost? If you're in a car crash with a girl, is it still okay to ask her to the prom when her legs heal? My son didn't eat his potato salad. Is he gay? Are you sure that I'm the real mom of my kid? Think about it.

Is Kelly Clarkson a virgin? Carabunga. Does anybody still use this term in everyday conversation? Now, during sexual intercourse, do you put the balls in? Is it okay to defrost chicken in a pool? I need to know the floor one more. Still, I feel interest for Indian moms. I want to talk to them.

Is there anyone to share my exact feelings? Are there dogs in the new Batman movie? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Jonathan McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Justin McElroy.