My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 109: Flapjack Nickelsack

Episode Date: June 18, 2012

In this episode, we try our darndest to humiliate our own father into submission, and have a surprisingly earnest discussion about the trials and tribulations of being as famous as we clearly are. Suggested talking points: Dad Tales, Between Dunst and Buscemi, Bow and Arrow and Guitar, Mrs. Ronkonkomaw, Sleepy Office, Epsilon Dog, Corncob Goldbars, Hoarders, Knuckle Tats

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome to my brother and my brother meeting and advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-is-brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother, Griffin. It's dad's day, obviously, and I thought we could start off by remembering some of our dad's best zingers. I'll start to give you guys time to think about it.

I went, we were in a parking lot and someone, this guy was walking across the parking lot and blocking my dad's progress to our dad's progress to a parking space and this gentleman was walking slowly in front of dad and not in any way expediting his travel. He yelled at the guy in the car with the windows rolled up because we're Baptist. He said, he yelled at the guy, hey, this hat-wearing geekaboy needs to get out of the way. The gentleman was not wearing a hat. She had to be wearing a hat. I'm not sure why hat-wearing geekaboy was the fucking zinger that dad decided to apply to this gentleman. Maybe he had a hat. Time has etched away so much of this memory. It's hard to say, but I think my favorite is the time that

we were all sitting in the backseat and we were having a spat as young brothers are like to do, smacking one another and hitting each other and dad turns around from the driver's seat and says, you guys stop fiddly farting around back there and like all three of us stopped and were like, excuse me. That story applies to our dad at a sort of Flandersian charm. My favorite is the time that he was up in the attic arranging his comic book collection and he took the screen out of the window because it was so hot and then he bent down to pick up a box of comics and cut his butt wide open on the edge of the screen and then we didn't have any bandages big enough to go on his new his butt gash and so he duck taped a maxi pad to his butt.

Oh, do we want to go through just the list of times dad's injured himself because there's a time he doesn't bleach and kitty litter down the sink without seeing a problem with it and passed out in the basement for several hours. His fellow DJ when explaining why he was not on the show the next morning said announced to Huntington, West Virginia that our dad was free-basing kitty litter. Uh, the probably the saddest injury that he got was he was if I had seen okay he was bringing a tray of cold cuts to a little league game and a van drove past him and the rear view mirror like the side view mirror was so close that it blasted him in the chest sending cold cuts flying. If I had seen this happen, I would fucking still be laughing about it. No from the godfather just

pastrami and roast beef floating through the air. Cup of cold everywhere. I would oh man I would give anything and then a slow opera music played and you just saw like the tray flipping over and over in the air and I remember we were all in the car to the ER because like he was not that badly hurt so you can laugh at home it's fine. We were all in the car to the ER and a lady that worked with dad was praying over him and just oh lord we just asked you watch over brother clint and just helped to protect him as we take him into the hands of the doctors and I know you are going to work through those doctors hands and in my head I'm thinking that was carrying cold cuts he got blasted by a side view mirror. Let's not bother God about this one. That got hit by a car that was

like driving at him. Like let's not bother God with this one. I think this one's pretty squarely on my dad's shoulders. He just couldn't ditch the cold cuts. He didn't want to sacrifice the cold cuts for his own safety. He's a martyr really. Yeah right. What a big dumb animal. Hey love you dad. Love you daddy. He's a big stupid yeti. That's me and like you know what's weird is I'll watch we have a bunch of home movies from those days. There was a weird window for those of you who are too young to remember it. There was a weird window when tapes like VHS the recorders that you could put on your shoulder came into vogue and the idea of being able to record events was so novel that you would just record everything like everything like everything and it's great actually sitting

outside. I better film it. Yeah right. So we have DVDs full of this stuff and I realize that the the DVDs we have start when I was five years old meaning that dad would have been dad was 25 when I was married so he would have been 31 in these videos and that's how old I am. I have we have reached the singularity like all I have full documentation of how it's going to go. Exactly like I know exactly where I'm headed. Anyway thank you for indulging us as we reminisce about our papa. I'm sure you have a story that you can share allowed as you talk over us but we're going to move on to some advice. First question. I've been told recently that I will be getting my braces taken off on the 20th of June. The solstice. I remember that Griffin said

excuse me. I remember Griffin said that's the best day to get him off. I read that in poor Richard Dominick. Oh because you get 12 hours of sunshine on your teeth and 12 hours of dark. Exactly. You can stand an egg on your teeth. Exactly. I remember that Griffin said he had braces. My question to you is this will it be painful on a scale of one to ten one being tickled ten being forced to listen to Justin Bieber. How painful is it that's soon to be not brace face in Ireland. There's a lot of unfair misconceptions in this question. I think the first being that Justin Bieber get over it guys. Yeah come on people it's not his fault. Just kidding. No I mean he he writes solid music. You're you're coming at this all wrong because you're asking this apparatus

that has been like dragging my teeth around my mouth for however many years. That sucks so bad. I'm getting it removed from my face so it can't do that to me anymore. Is that going to hurt. No it's the opposite of that. It's been it's been hurting you for so so long and you don't even realize it. Well you probably like the dental equivalent of that scene in Forrest Gump where he runs so hard that the braces fly off his legs. That's pretty much it. You just start chewing and she's like chew Forrest chew. Yeah yeah no it doesn't. They just make you smile like really hard. They make you. Until they pop off. Uh huh. No. Wow medical science sure has come a long way. It's unpleasant. I'm glad this is all true. It's unpleasant in the way that like when people apply

Forrest to your teeth. Oh god is there anything worse than that. I don't care if you're like I don't care what they're doing in there. I just don't want anybody to apply any amount of force to my teeth. I don't even like chewing hard foods for this very reason. But but no it doesn't it doesn't hurt. It's pretty much the best thing ever. There's a market a market difference in my life the day I got my braces. What was the first thing you ate when you got your braces. Oh yeah what was the first thing you ate. Um well I mean they were a little delicate so so probably a some sort of porridge. Um okay what was the first contraband food. Do you fucking do you fucking really think that I was the kind of kid who like would stay would would shy from Doritos.

No way. No way. That does explain a lot about how your teeth ended up. I would rock oh you fuck off. I here's the here's the lie that you're not going to be ready for Mr. Mr. Mrs. soon to be braced face in Ireland. Um when you get your braces off your teeth are going to fucking move. They're going to move again. I wore my retainers no joke every day for six months and every night for two years. My shit's all jacked up. My grill is all jacked up again. Nothing you can do about it. I like your grill though. Yeah it's got a it's got like a Kirsten Dunst charm and I think that that's important. Your teeth are like the inglorious bastard. It splits the no it splits the uprights between Dunst and Bushimi and I think that's

important. Um but but I've got large gaps in my teeth but mom and dad I don't know the times must have been tight so it must have been tighter. Oh no you know that my no at that point no David David Letterman was really popular and they were just hoping that you could cash in on that. No You know who's big right now? Lauren Bacall. Justin's going to catch that fever. We don't want to argue about whose grill was more jacked during our trial because oh fuck it was mine looked like a fence built by a drunk person. For a plate of biscuits. For a plate of biscuits it's it was it was rough stuff in there. My mouth looked like the fucking sarlacc pit. Well I always had really great teeth and then one day my gum started spontaneously bleeding so I don't know who wins

and who loses. It's because you got a brush from New Silly Goose. You got a brush up there um but I mean it may suck but holy shit it's going to be the best day of your entire life um so yeah enjoy I'm happy for you. Everyone get braces. How come adults don't get braces anymore? Um I don't know I always when I see an adult with braces I always imagine someone trying to recapture their youth which there are there are many better ways. You know who looked good? Bill Macy in Magnolia. Oh man didn't he look great with those that shining shining plate mail up on his mouth? Did that look great up there? Didn't see Magnolia. Didn't see him. What about? I'm sure some Travis did you see it? I don't know which one that is. You uncultured fox. Sorry Griffin.

Hey how about you how about you class this joined up a bit though? Oh with a yahoo answer? What's the classiest of yahoo answers? Whatever the classiest one you got is. Um how about this one it was sent in by Nick Klaus or Klaus Nick Nick Klaus thank you Nick. It's by yahoo answers user yahoo mystery who who asks guitar or bow and arrows I have 100 dollars I'm a 14 I'm a 14 year old male I've been wanting a guitar for a couple of years and I've wanted a bow ever since I saw Teen Wolf last summer. What? I got interested in the guitar from YouTube videos and because I got interested in music a couple years ago when I was in fifth grade I'm pretty sure. I just want to know which one I should get I don't have anything

to do in the summer I have summer reading I can do but I don't know if I'm in the class yet thanks. Oh my god this question makes me so happy this is like reading a this is like this is like watching that um the summer version of Christmas story you know that yeah reading a nostalgic Jean Shepherd novel uh in one yahoo answer question I love it because it's kind of like a rest of the story kind of set up like you could see the two paths diverge right in one he gets the guitar and becomes like the next Jimi Hendrix and the other he gets a bow and arrow and shoots his little brother in the face I thought you're gonna say he'd become the Jimi Hendrix of Archery he's doing a wicked bow and arrow solo so uh riddle me this real quick Teen Wolf the film

doesn't have a bow and arrow no it has to be like the tv show Teen Wolf which I to this day I'm unsure if it's a spin-off of the movie or not but I don't believe yeah there's like a 50-year-old styles who run the comic book shop and sells people bows and arrows it's canon is this just somebody who saw Hunger Games and it's like gotta get down on that that's a good look that's practical right you gotta know have some sort of skill by the time when Quetzalcoatl comes this is someone who saw the hit film Weatherman with Nicholas Cage and he's like yeah bow and arrow go home go go away what you don't like that film it's I mean it's not germane it's from like 1981 that movie was released it's basically like the same as Hunger Games like Hunger Games and Weatherman

are basically on the same level man how other man's a cool movie yeah way cooler than Hunger Games way better than Hunger Games welcome to our movie review cast where you compare two utterly disparate movies they make one be the best I I have this question mate as an elderly gentleman this question makes me so nostalgic for a time when I have $100 I can buy one of two things yeah those two things are a guitar or a bow and arrow like that's the only time money was cool now money is symbolic like I see money and it's like thank you for the gas in my house like thank you for the lights are on I still kids like I have $100 bill I'm gonna buy a fucking guitar or maybe a weapon I I still get this way I still I came into $500 recently that I was not expecting to get and it was almost

like the hunt was fucking on it was like what can I put this on what can I make mine with this money it's not real money because it's not you know it's not yeah like I recently got paid and I was like yeah I'm gonna get my brakes fixed so I don't die well no no no payment payment and compensation for work that's that is money that's money that you have that you need I sold a computer that I didn't think I was gonna sell and I was like I have this money now and it's not real money because it's it's it's surprise money and I bought it I should have done bought an iPad because that's what I did do no you should have bought your computer back from the first oh shit they're fine in your power I could have bought five bows and arrows and then my friends and I could have

hawk eyed all around Austin writing wrongs and shooting people in tires I don't know is this what things cost now are both bows there's no well here's I just didn't go with bow and arrow first show because $100 is going to buy you a really shitty guitar it's going to buy you a first act toy oh I bet you could buy you an okay bow though at least like a recurve compound like the gears and pulley oh there's no way you're getting the compound yeah guys have you guys ever let me ask you a serious question yeah sure I hate to serious this up but if you guys ever seriously considered buying a bow and arrow yes well okay arrows let's let's let's let's go on let's go hog wild by multiple I actually so in high school there are many options as to what kind of gym class you

could take and I opted to take individual dual sports which was like nerd sports and so it was sports like ping pong bowling yeah yeah and one of them was archery I was on that same track I think backgammon was it was literally like they looked at the rest of my schedule and said taking a lot of feeder classes huh we got the gym class for you how do you feel about tumbling if we had a spinning class you'd be doing that what about crook and all are you down so we did archery for like two days and that she's dope it's awesome well it's not when you're using like a translatable skill when you're using what is tantamount to a first act of bow and arrow it's pretty awesome but if you ever try to shoot a real bow and arrow unless you

possess tremendous amounts of upper body strength you shake like you are experiencing an earthquake that only you can feel and it's humiliating I want to point out that we were going to school in West Virginia a kid brought in his compound bow well a compound bow has has tools built into it that help you pull it back but if you ever try to fire like a real ass you're talking like a long bow like a gentleman's old ass archer like a gentleman's bow for yeah right a a manly like something for killing yeah like an adult bow in an adult caveman bow hey one of my friends insists on going swimming every time what what is the demo of our fucking show we talked about fucking girls with garfield heads we're here are these teens who are like listen my favorite flavor

of pixie stick I canceled what guys I got cheated us all over my hands and there's a big line to hop in the pool what should I do what I'm just glad everybody's out there how does it read through this question it takes an interesting turn okay one of my friends insists on going swimming every time he comes to visit he always brings his chunks and shows up with the expectation of going swimming which wouldn't be annoying except that the pool belongs to my neighbors I very much enjoy swimming and my neighbors are good people but that doesn't mean I'm free to swim there whenever I want for whatever reason my friend fails to understand this is not my pool and I do not want to abuse my neighbor's kindness how could I remedy remedy the situation without coming off

as a jerk that's from drowning in Des Moines it's easy to have your friend to stop being a moron it's not your pool and say hey hey uh it's not my pool no that's too easy no yeah we should have something harder you gotta pull it's infested I mean you just us so we should have a more complex solution with a higher probability of arrest um you gotta you gotta come up with a system for warning your neighbors like hey Bryce Bryce is coming you know what that means time to cover the pool just leave the gate open we'll see you at eight have some burgers ready we're gonna be some burgers ready my ties at nine let's roll you and your wife can totally join us wet teacher contest at 10 p.m will you and mrs robin clung be there I hope so sorry I'm sorry what was her last name

well let me uh take the wall down for you I uh was gonna say mrs robinson and then I realized that that has some context outside of my goof that may not make the goof pan out because then it would be like oh she's sexy and she's down with younger men that's not what I was going for so instead you went with a klingon word out with rumbleclough you're we are engaging in the battle of rumbleclough your friend is a fucking idiot how does he not get how does he not get like oh man this makes me so angry this makes me angry like how we had a basketball court in our backyard and our neighbors would just be like what's up hoop dreams and I'm like hey if you don't mind uh if you don't mind it's it's midnight and uh I'm watching a movie in here trying to get my swerve

on maybe if you could like cut the hoop dreams for a second make them like hoop daydreams yeah if you're gonna have hoop when I'm at school dreams that would be good that's fine and I just uh make sure we're all on the same page we picture this friend rolling up ringing the doorbell when you open the door he's got a towel slung over his shoulder he's in trunks water wings okay yeah he's got I got those uh what are those things that make your feet like a fish flippers thank you what yeah I think flippers is that what it is did you have a flippers he's just wearing a full-on mermaid tail let's do this I know flippers are what you put in to make your toddler's teeth not look so wack so I didn't I didn't know if that was the same thing

same word um I think here's here's the solution you need to cut yourself out as the middle man you need to go next door introduce your friend to the neighbors and be like it's up to you now like this is all on you now you guys are friends I ain't got no dog in this race this is Bryce is going to be staying with you for the weekend this is Bryce he uh he loves tacos take good care of him and also he's my old buddy what was that that's me blow my nose don't address it fuck it's it's not like a ghost going through a tunnel it's terrifying I thought that for a second our podcast had become possessed I it sounded like when when when the grim reaper slips past your ear like oh no someone has literally walked over my grave and then dug it up and started punching

my corpse and blowing my ear gross stop I'm getting a boner uh I how does he not know like one house is your house and there is not a pool behind it I'm gonna go out on a limb maybe that's how he's getting to the pool I'm gonna guess that you feel that you've clearly expressed to your friends but it is not okay and it's not a good deal but I'm betting that you've maybe been a little too subtle and said something along the lines of like I don't know they're busy or how about you need to say like listen dude it's not cool I don't feel comfortable going over there it's not my pool we did it that one time and it was awesome because they invited us over we don't have free reign over it you can always just throw it on them just say like they said we

couldn't go anymore yeah it's a tough break huh well when some you lose some let's play a tarry mr mr rogwin charl died in that pool and now he's got a it's got a pool listen mr rock mononoff does not appreciate us swimming in his pool and listening to his class and listen there's the ghost of mr ronkankamal it's gonna it's gonna haunt it's gonna haunt that pool like in that one episode of are you afraid of the dark and we all know how that oh shit it's the scariest one to the fucking scariest one no it's not the girl in the mirrors the don't start a dead body can you find a dead body or maybe even like roadkill and just throw it in the pool because that was going to solve your problems or just put a big sign outside that says

haunted i can visualize that oh shit that's hot in pool don't swim at your own risk and then there's a picture of a patrick swayze are you saying patrick swayze is in the movie ghost or because patrick swayze is is it is dead yeah let's clarify no patrick swayze from the movie ghost not just by the way they uh they started a ghost musical on barway and i think it's kind of fucked up they didn't get patrick swayze i mean it's right there all around you just like are you saying that okay are you saying that patrick swayze now that he's dead he occupies all the space in the world no i'm saying he's he's a ghost now so like he's he's even better cut back on the special effects exactly he could just manifest himself he's an even better fit for the role than he was before

it's such a thing is even possible he nailed it he nailed it um i miss him i'm i'm i feel bad about this when he was dying do you think he was like don't worry guys i got this it was just like super cool like this is not i remember this my this is not my first time at the rodeo so don't shed a tear i'll see you see you later at pottery class um like don't even don't even trip because i know my friend vince and chivelli is gonna come and and teach me all the tricks that i they may be different tricks but he had my back before i have no reason to think that he won't uh again have my back you know who was really freaked out while that all that was going on what's who's that will be yeah yeah but for different reasons she's got a lot of her own

yeah whoops got a lot on her plate i don't know she's got the view and uh she's got her talk show doesn't she doesn't she have a drive time whoopee in the morning isn't that a thing she has let's make whoopee a radio show in the morning make it whoopee a whoopee no actually making whoopee is a sci-fi channel show about cloning whoopee goldberg oh god and that i wish we could man my dream woman is color purple arrow whoopee goldberg time six time six we had science three what are we doing um do you guys and one of the six whoopee goldberg was really stupid like done in multiplicity remember uh like five minutes before we started recording we're like all right guys we're gonna

make this show this particular episode a lot more welcoming to newcomers by not talking about weird dumb shit for 10 minutes at a time okay you're right let's rein it in let's uh be a little more practical okay i've recently started my first job out of university or college if you prefer and i do and i'm finding it difficult to stay awake during meetings in any meeting that goes on for more than a half hour i find it difficult to focus and often start to nod off unless i'm constantly involved um do you have any advice for me before someone notices and i get fired as i have at least one meeting a day and they often contain important information for my work this is becoming a real problem that's from lethargic in london i have a solution oh no i think

it's a home run oh god keep in your office or cubicle or whatever this is gonna be stupid no a pair of really uncomfortable shoes and before the meeting change into these shoes that are either too tight or they're just uncomfortable in some way and they will stop you from falling asleep during the meeting i can't that's not is it is it almost a i don't know if it's like a bad idea no it's brilliant you guys i think it's a okay idea i would suggest first off um try that i guess yeah this is plausible is anything uh are you getting enough sleep are you getting like your seven to eight hours because that's really key um also i see lots of ads for five hour energy drinks people are placing their coffee with them which grosses me out but and you should get the

five hour energy drink because it keeps you away for five hours because your stomach wants to die yeah uh it'll make you nauseous are you not a five hour energy drink fan no i had one at max fun con and it made me want to kill myself that's you're probably you're probably well i also have like the constitution of like a two-year-old so yeah yeah you got that all those time can i can i put forth one possible solution what's that just fucking go to sleep during the meeting just slip on some shades and kick back if they can't if they can't fucking turn their powerpoint presentations and do uh rock you like a hurricane roller coaster then that's their fucking problem like if they're putting you to sleep then they need to know about it right a while back to

your room we got that question where somebody was like how do i like gain an affect that affectation at work maybe you're the sleepy guy mm-hmm oh that's just sleepy jim that's what he does people always say that like this presentation we're doing is boring i'm worried we're gonna put people to sleep like you are creating actual metric like you're the canary in the coal mine exactly in the boring coal mine i'm i'm asleep spice it up it may that'll make people work harder like they want to start yelling that out like this is boring spice it up i'm going to sleep over here do lights and do lights and smoking shit that's it no tell a funny story about me you don't need to tell them to do that to their presentations you can do that for them you can be the guy who

like shows up to each presentation with a fucking boombox and just start blasting crazy train as they're talking about you know their their their gross earnings is that it and then start spinning some glow sticks around the the other thing you might try that's a little easier if it goes in line with Travis's shoe advice uh maybe try like taking notes the whole time like engaging yourself that way just because when that way you're not passive uh and you and you're you're engaged even if it's not like you're not adding to it the other the other option is you say you stay awake when you add to it maybe just start adding to it a lot more i agree maybe just dip in every 20 seconds yeah this is a great point that's what i was going to say i was going to say that earlier

you could agree with you you can be like well said like a founding father in the the first the first congressional congress is that what is that what it was called when they continental congress first continental uh congress were they no i think it was the first congressional congress it was the first the first senatorial senate um and just like having a second presidential president of gubernatorial goober's uh meeting you gotta have like a cane that you can like bang on the table when somebody says something and you're like here here this is like open up a window a rump for rump for rump sit down dan sit down dan i'm trying to do my power point oh man i hope and also ben franklin is there yeah also be just be just be ben franklin

oh no no there's nothing actionable and that thing i just said no i just kind of wanted to picture ben franklin in a room going play crazy train yeah do it uh the problem is that we really can't address questions this boring anymore it's like you're making us bored with your boring shit there's a reason none of us work in offices and is this very yeah right 30 seconds or less i'd be asleep here's the solution i went with don't go back stop going to work stop going i you know what live like you're dying just fucking go to sleep so what office space this out like don't even hide it like pull a pillow out of your briefcase fluff it put it on the table like spin around three times and go take a snooze i wonder if there's a whole generation of people

who saw office space and just said ah fuck it and that's where we have it on such a high unemployment right but then there's also a generation of people who watch the office and it's like but these people are my best friends i'm gonna find true love here this is gonna be so zany you're not though and it's not it's gonna be boring it's not gonna fucking sleep all the time god uh work is awful go work on the internet i sleep at home all the time nobody knows you know you know if you want to work on the internet then you gotta make money in the money zone is that good what the fuck are you doing was that good i just i saw i saw an opening and i took it the fuck do you think you're doing i'm anglin for your job macroi hey guys here's some sad libs for

you blah blah blah blah no griffin no fart fart giraffes wait fart giraffes i like this i like this vein let's tap into it this message is for russell and laura from nathan uh congrats to russ and laura and getting hitched this weekend uh russ is a rad photographer and laura is just flat out rad and they're both going out and getting it in 20 does like champions they are uh getting they well actually they would have gotten married last weekend i guess so congratulations to you guys uh i i hope congratulations on your first week of rad marriage yeah i hope it's you're still together do you think they came down the aisle on like skateboards or like maybe he was on a razor scooter and maybe they like got up to the creature and they just like flip him off and they

like fuck you we don't need your institution and uh and then they kissed like real deep and gross right grossing out all and he's like sorry granny and then they're like spray painted on somebody in the front row yeah and uh and then um and then they signed the marriage papers no that's not rad but what if the no but they signed it with like a big dildo shaped pen okay what if they they cut into their uh wedding pizza and she fed him a slice hot slice of wedding pizza because that's pretty right and then smashed her on the space and burned him because the oil was really yeah yeah guys this podcast is supported by microsoft's being a new way to search use being to search the web in your own social media networks with the new social search sidebar

allowing you to ask your friends as well as the experts try it online at bing.com bing is for doing like experts like us no like actual real ass experts there are real experts why do people keep asking us questions we have to be experts in something by this point don't we like accidentally even how to get fired i think we we probably have more diverse and illegal methods of getting fired than anybody how to make your dad cringe okay um how to make your nanny cry if that's a category of expertise that's easy though like pussy grip it well now everyone's uncomfortable um uh let's do a yahoo this this one was sent in by lisa holofield and like four other people i got this from a lot of sources so it promises to be

pretty good it's by yahoo answers user unerring pair who asks if i shave my golden retriever like a lion will the other dogs respect him more because he's kind of the neighborhood loser oh no that's it it went from being kind of funny to kind of how you're super imposing a lot of hierarchy on the dogs yeah first of all lion is king of the cats totally different totally different thing um it's like they're arch enemy basically yeah that's like saying i'm gonna dress him up like mum raw so i so he can hang with his buddies the thunder cats like no that's gonna make him really sad they're gonna hate him i'm gonna dress him up like rufio sitting hanging out with all hooks pirates oh god it's like saying anybody else yeah yeah what do you got you got something

i'm trying to think let me think it's too opposed i went to i went to nazi's like instantly and there's nothing there that's gonna be church hill yeah that it's like dressing up like church hill and then he goes to hang out with the with the i would love to see a dog dressed up like church hill oh my god photos please please somebody dress up your fat-ass dog like Winston church hill i bet you anything i am googling right now dog dressed like be Winston dog dressed like be be dogs so okay so google be dogs i'm not googling be dog i uh oh yes i see a dog with glasses who looks like church hill uh everybody if you can sorry how you know it's you know it's a bulldog uh everybody if you can send make more pictures of your dog dressed like church hill um i i do insist

on historical accuracy um i'll try to put the picture i found in the form it also looks like khaki baits in that new lawyer show it's adorable do you mean the new adventures of uh old christine i i also would like to point out that in dog like there is a certain amount like the dominance you know alpha male kind of thing but it doesn't rank down it's a leg i'm alpha male so you're second and you're third and you're you're the epsilon male get out of here pussy it's not really how it works there's mostly just like with the one guy on top and then everybody else also i don't think i mean a lion looks like a lion because he's got the frame to support that mane does your frame support your mane that's the that's the real question because this golden retriever i think if

you slap a lion on him i think he's gonna look pretty god damn goofy he's gonna look like a shaved dog with a giant poop on his head and he's gonna probably get murdered by the other yeah it's gonna look like he's wearing mink and it's not gonna be a good look for him respect wise why are you getting so hung up on your dog's appearance i don't know if you've read deal karnagy's how to win flint friends and influence people but the key thing is for your dog to get interested in the other dog is he snipping their butts yeah is he sniffing their butts enough he's got to get interested in the smell of their butts what's his hump game like is he is he letting himself be humped more than he's trying to help the other great question justin that's so key um in society awesome maybe

your dog's just boring maybe your dog just fucking sucks like some dog has to suck there has to be the most boring dog in any pack is he wearing glasses asshole nice glasses dipshit nice glasses Churchill nice glasses Churchill get your kettle why do all the other dogs always pick on Churchill you know we bought him really nice randy jackson frames i don't know sweetest doggy pipe and he's got a great doggy pipe was that a was that a negative comment about my glasses no i just no i think your i think your glasses are super stylish i am just constantly entertained by the fact that they were handcrafted by randy jackson by the artisan old randy jackson yo dog i'm making you some artisan glasses frames in my day off

from working with uh gloria stefan working on her new cd that's gonna drop next week and then the week after that i'm gonna drop her glasses off and then i have to fix them because i dropped them and then i'm gonna fix them because i dropped them recently the just for last festival came to chicago and with it brought basically all my favorite comedians from big names to lesser known slash soon to be big names saw them all over the place waited across the street walking around walgreens so my question is what is the proper etiquette for meeting comedians or celebrities and that's from our buddy justin russo uh just before i answer your question i was hoping you could probably with some more things that people do in the city riding the bus reading a book

sitting on ben eating getting mugged paying bills using i saw bobcat ghostly getting mugged picking up prescriptions using a bathroom still you get it quietly on the bench wondering where they all went wrong wondering when their big break is coming um there are several schools of thought here let's give our let's each give our own person let normally we i think we try to to uh to come to consensus i say on this question we divide and conquer and each give our own personal strategies i'll start okay don't yeah just don't don't don't acknowledge them pretend you're a stranger uh and they're a stranger because that's the arrangement and never introduce yourself to them ever because that's what i do that's my jam that's now let me counterpoint

with this do okay because well but you have to give you can't just say just do this thing you have to you have to give it some sort of action i think that okay so this might be my way of looking at it and i might be a little over optimistic here but these people you know you get famous you get popular because people like you so you're supported by your fans and they want to know you know that people like them that's what i always tell myself to justify going up to them and saying like hey gallagher i'm a huge fan thank you so much for all the laughs and walking away what you don't want to do is totally geek out and think that you in some way are going to make a lasting impression and become best friends with this person this is your chance to like bump into

them say hey thanks so much for doing all the great work shaking their hand and getting away yeah i thought you were gonna go a different direction and say that like these people live such crazy superficial lives they just they really want that human contact and you've got it you've got it to give to them you know i used to tell myself that all these people want is for somebody to come up and be cool yeah and not super nerdy and geeky and they're like hey travis you're actually real cool let's hang out back in my palatial comedian estate yeah but that is not how it works they they're they want to be left alone they don't know you so say like hey thank you so much take the opportunity like that's what i say when's the chance that you're gonna see these

people again you know take the opportunity to say hey i'm a big fan thank you so much i am as someone who is occasionally recognized in extremely limited and specific when you go to conventions right specifically and yeah near or around a sign that has my name on it uh i i am occasionally recognized and i can i can tell you it always makes me feel good um so if you have that like as sort of your now you would think that that would convince me that maybe people who are actually famous that maybe they feel the same way but um i i i i just can't i don't know what to say you know it's i don't know what to do i i will see this is griffin what do you do oh thanks um what i like to do is i will stand near them

that's really just stand near them and you don't really have to and like wait for them to recognize oh no they don't even need to i don't i don't require that recognition i'm just saying if you stand close enough to somebody they gotta talk to you eventually like even if they have to even if they're not a celeb even if you're just like at the bus stop someone's gonna that that rule also applies to celebs so then you you put the ball in their court they start talking to you and then you insult them a little bit um just like insult them a little bit but then give them just a set uh-huh and then you give them some attention and then before you know it you're you're in love you're fucking bobcat gold i i can't i'm saying i'm saying

you don't settle for just meeting a celebrity right make a connection fuck them what's a better story i was at the costco and i ran into bobcat coldthwaite and i ran into into corn cob gold bars and uh at the costco in the in the chicken in the chicken trough and uh before you knew it we were back at my bungalow fucking i fucked corn cob gold gong and it turned out he was just a homeless i'm corn cob gold gong i was at the zappa's distribution center and i ran into flapjack nickel sack and we made love we made love all night long and i don't know who he is but he acted like he was somebody so i figured he must have uh man yeah the one insisting i take pictures with him the one thing i have to ask you and though i have been occasionally as i said recognize

um i i've also been around legitimately famous people when this has happened and i have to beg of you don't let it happen to you please if you're gonna introduce yourself to someone please know who the fuck they are don't just have a vague awareness that they are are you in movies and try to suck it out buddy aren't you somebody what have i seen you in a lot of times people call me travis or griffin which must be mortifying for them but i i i'm pretty after like 20 years with you guys i'm pretty used to it from like our parents friends and stuff so it didn't really bother me but um like please if you're gonna introduce yourself to an actual celebrity know who they are because that because that's pretty brutal that like you know you have some

relevance to society but people can't even like you have some not even like solid you have fame let me wheeze your juice for a second let me stand near you are you a fame person yeah you're you're rare and exotic you look like somebody can i touch your hand and tell all my friends about it let's and then go home and google you and try to figure out who you are when we were at um when we were at max funcon i had a lot of uh post panic attacks where i would be talking to someone who's work i know but i don't necessarily know their visage and like right after the conversation or interaction had ended um i would realize or someone would tell me like hey that's this person that did this thing that is great that you like and lots of people like and i would kind of hyperventilate

a little bit but then you know what i would just get angry because where do they get off acting like a regular person yeah why do they not introduce themselves and say no don't freak out if that right now listen don't panic but i'm gonna put my shades on future so bright like if someone's not i don't think you're famous unless you put on giant sunglasses and go oh yeah is that important so basically you're saying like the only famous person he was matthew broad right right he's the only famous person you have a really specific metric he's not aging well i saw him on the tonys and he looked terrified he looks he always looks so scared what am i doing up here yeah i don't mean to say he's not aging well i just think like the boyish thing is just like i don't know you expect

to like oh he looks like it's hard for me to shake that image of him as boyish i guess it's it's hard for him to shake that too right like he's got sort of bradley whitford's got the same thing going a little bit where he still looks like a little boy but he looks like an old boy he looks like a kind of like an old boy he looks like a boy who is like a super like a 70 year old boy um it's not great it's not great for him i love his work love his work though oh wait are we talking about if you see if you see your Matthew Roddler or Bradley Whitford please do not tell them that we said these terrible things about i loved Matthew Broderick and old boy the japanese horror movie i love Bradley Whitford and old dogs i i would give in was he in that because i could buy that no but he was i

loved the man he he he will dip into some bad things i love Bradley Whitford when i saw him in the premiere of old dogs he was just watching the movie but he was did i ever tell you guys did i ever tell you guys about the time that uh i uh fucked Matthew Broderick no no somebody just made that their ringtone and look on the iTunes apple store for ringtones for my brother my brother and me if you if your phone doesn't ring with my brother my brother me then don't people know you want to fuck Matthew Broderick you can either shake Matthew Broderick's hand and tell him you loved Godzilla 2000 or you can fuck him like Godzilla oh my god the one person i don't want to piss off is Jessica Parker

though she will come at you and she'll break all this the uh sitc girls and they will fuck you up throw you in a cauldron turn you into soup on a completely different note i want to tell you guys the story that i was reminded of the other day being 14 and seeing on tv there's a show called sex in the city was coming on yeah i'm getting so excited here we go yeah i'm gonna sneak and watch this watch like 10 minutes i was like this is bullshit get ready to turn into a boner penis they're to emerge butterfly like prepare your auto bots roll out roll out time to transform vulture on connect wonder wonder twins activate form of boner gijo get them i don't remember what they said i used to get that way for uh for suddenly susan

i used to hold on let me kind of try that joke can i do another take on that rift do another take on this i used to get that way for designing women that was the original tile for weird science did you know that it's just called why oh why do i get boner starring Vanessa angel stop i used to get that way for golden girls but i'm fucking gross yeah yeah hey i need some advice i've been seeing an amazing girl for a few weeks and it's been going really well but i saw the inside of her house for the first time yet and she's a hoarder it's not as bad as the people on television yet but the entire floor and every surface were completely covered with books papers and other random junk should i break up with her

because of the hoarding or keep seeing her and hope it gets better oh my god that's that's a tough question this is like a real one i'm not even sure we should answer this well i'm gonna say this i know this uh for my brief foray into psychological studies it doesn't just get better she's not gonna just sit there one day but like oh my shit's messy well it's messy in here i'm gonna clean up isn't that what the whole hook of the tv show hoarders is they take hoarders and they fix them they fix them but it's not a spontaneous thing like you know what i should pick up around here no and they uh they but they and it's all most of the time it's like a it's a short term fix they clean up and then they're like we visited three weeks later and philip is still a dirty fuck

they're still just dry ramen noodles everywhere i've never seen hoarders but i assume it primarily is about ramen noodles guys i understand that that is a real psychological disorder i get it it is just so hard for me to watch and not just scream like just clean just clean up i love to clean i'll clean for you i'm not even i'm a pretty messy person but the idea of like not being able to see from one side of my house to the other like not being able to walk across the floor without like stepping over piles of newspaper and stuff it just gives me how yeah in a legitimate answer to your question you have to decide that this girl is whether or not the possibility of this relationship is worth it yeah like you there is every chance that maybe you could help her with

this problem like maybe that's all she needs is is you know somebody to emotionally support her and help pop her up and help get her through it but if you go into this with eyes open you are accepting the possibility that um you know it might never get better it might get wicked worse and you may be committing to a life this way and i think that honestly you are completely within your rights ethically and and emotionally and everything to say like i can't i can't pursue this with you because that's not what i want for my life like i i think you are completely with within your rights to do that i mean everybody's got their their their stuff that they're they're dealing with but if this isn't the kind of stuff that you can handle um i i think

you can walk away and not i think it's a microcosm of what you go into every time you start a relationship with someone where you find out like oh they snore or they're really bad with money or you know it's a kind of they pee in jars and then they save the jars but like you find out these things about them and then you have to make the decision like is this a thing that's going to bug me for the rest of my life or is this an idiosyncrasy of this person that i care about and i can look past and so if this is a really big thing and it you know is a problem for you the biggest thing this met you're gonna move in one day with this messy bessie and then guess what happens you're a hoarder too dog and suddenly you can't find you you caught hoarder your your

cat just died in a pile of hot hot pockets boxes oops i missed my cat i missed my cat where is he so i know the meatballs and stroganoff hot pockets boxes um i can't i i can't say i i would continue a relationship with with someone in this situation but i don't know how much you care about this girl i mean like honestly if i had started dating my wife and she had been a hoarder she's already kind of kind of messy but not quite hoarder levels uh i don't think i would have stopped i mean i don't think i could have stopped our relationship for that i probably would have just like tried to be a good influence like honestly though guys let's be honest men out there fellas when you enter into any relationship you are already basically an emotional hoarder like

there are some things about you that are way more fucked up than a super messy house like way worse there you have some deep recesses in there that uh any any man or woman that dates you is committing to to attempting to fix this is just a very external external version of that if i were if i were you question asker i would sit down with this person and be like hey listen i don't know if i'm okay with this or not i had you know how committed are you to this whole hoarding thing do you think this is going somewhere are you leaving maybe you could like pick it up before i come over again can you just clean would you be willing to clean for me i think you fucking yell 3000 out and you drop a smoke bomb and some cow troops and then through the window

through the wall whatever you want to do cool i do it get out you know i'm i'm just not sure if i'm ready for things to progress with betsy but you know i gave her a key and she's got her own drawer in my house and she's filled it with newspaper and old floss that's not funny you're a monster your history is greatest monster yeah yahoo they'll pick us up okay yeah um yeah this yahoo i got a yahoo answer was sent by emily elinder thank you emily it's by yahoo answers user miranda colon oh i'm sorry it's miranda smiley face um miranda smile asks what are some good things to write on your knuckles you know like the tattoos on knuckles how about knuckles what

you know how people get tattoos on their knuckles it's just like love and hate uh-huh envy and and love are like love and envy like envy and hate or like um uh america exclamation point or like left and right but right is like right aid or like cbs and right aid or just like wall grit because you ran out of knuckles big fill with two g's that one helps if your name is phil that's important side note sidebar your name should be phil i love the idea of getting something that is so recognizable but truncated because you ran out of knuckles like get like will smith mcdonnell taco bell would fit really nicely that's not a truncated one but yeah i mean taco bell um what do you want to eat for dinner tonight on the instances

where uh the answer is taco bell it's pretty boss answer just put your fists out like what do you think i i'm trying i like the idea of having like a complete phrase like taco bell and so when you see both hands together it makes sense but when you just see one you're like bell bell but all right what does that mean why does your hand say taco this is this hand is for eating tacos remember what the this this hands for your tacos this hands for ringing bells obviously don't want to mix them up obviously according to my religion if my taco hand touches my bell hand then i have to cut a bone off well i i'm really the right hand says jerk my left hand says food get it don't you understand i must never confuse the two no no if you wanted to put most def on

there would you just put three f's so it would just say f on the one side it would say m-o-s-d f f f so i like this idea of using your knuckles like a vanity plate right too hot for you pond star hot rod by the way you guys i watched like six episodes of pond star we're waiting for my car to get fixed at firestone that show is so great yeah what are what realizations did you come away with i hate myself no okay well what about thug life but um then you have the option of putting your pinky up and it says hug life wait a minute and then underside of your pinky is just a happy smiling man what i'm sorry i just got distracted by looking at the tiny smiling man i've drawn on the underside

of my pinky he's just there to help me get through the rough times yeah like this this will be a good example i wish i had one at the end of the show i wish that i hadn't had hello hello little pinky man i'm underneath your hand don't mind me hey how about it nick aloney we're right here for all the voices you need man i'm dealing the new starfish in town i'm winston church here pop up i'm a walrus i'm winston walrus what are we doing why does winston walrus speaking dubstep i'm winston i'm winston walrus give ready for the drop speech impediment my speech impediment is scroll x i'm dropping the base it's floating back up to the surface i love living underneath the sea with my friend the starfish dealing

the little starfish we live together with our friends from the round square how about it nick aloney and i'm right here baby 27 dollars and a hot meal show me the money show me the money in the hot meal um that was actually my cuba good ingenious you want to do that animated series of snow dogs which can't fork kuba travis has you show me the monies whoa all right whoa it's like having him here on the show i can do cuba good ingenious and senior yes do show my son the money that's the best word impression i've ever heard um what came what about what about dug life okay we're done this has been our podcast my brother my brother and me it's an advice

show albs uh i i want to thank everybody for for tweeting about the show and helping us to spread the word um uh about about our podcast which uh we we put the happy news on twitter this week we we just reached four million downloads this week which is pretty amazing and it's all thanks to to you all um uh so thank you to those tweeting thanks to solid neil sir alex murphy um shit my teddy says bearded satchel bc evans mason your face uh delicious bees trav man man germs 317 the real tim roth angel rubio our friend roman mars for doing another show thank you um and if you haven't listened to 99 invisible go do it now yeah go do that go on it's incredible and if you haven't listened to the other maximum fun programs go do

that now go listen and stop podcasting yourself and jordan jesse go and throwing shade and judge john hajman they'll treat you right and bullseye i i i also want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh it's it's the one album that you can come back to in good times and bad and hey our friend graham clark uh just put out a stand-up comedy special uh you can buy it for five dollars at the stand-up comedians dot com so go to the stand-up comedians dot com pay five bucks and go buy graham show i bought it uh and it's it's really funny and he has a fantastic beard just the best beard just the best beard everybody for helping me out on friday uh do a big uh twitter campaign

for Complete Works at Cincinnati Shakespeare Company if you are in the area and you'd like to come see me and how larry a show um just go to scentsyshakes.com that's scentsy with a y shakes dot he can get you in for free so just like ask him and he can get you in no problem i mean that may or may not be true i don't know how cool are you are you cool uh and thank you as always if you go subscribe to the show and tweet our sampler it's bit.ly forward slash it's move and bam that's the uh the only way we have a growing and it's all thanks to you guys so thank you so much and i i want to tell you real quick about the awesome people at topotoko uh the people that do you are the people that do our how do you still not know how to say that fucking what topotiko

topotiko topotiko i don't want to hear from her um i i bought my girlfriend uh my brother my brother in me t-shirt from them and in the special comments i put i love you now don't let it get weird and they drew a picture of garfield saying well it's too late for that and it was like the best thing ever so thank you guys so much go check out uh their website it's you if you go to the maxfundfund.org homepage and just click on like the maxfund merchandise link um they just have tons of awesome stuff and i want to i just want to say thank you to jim davis we got a really nice email from him just saying like hey guys i loved the goose i love the episode we've all been there we've all had it it's not weird and thank you jim for the lovely fruit basket jim sent us a fruit

basket and he said good goose good goose it's all in good fun don't worry about it so thank you so much thank you for being so cool griffin griffin give me the last question uh yeah sure um this one was sent in by question mark it's by yahoo answers user me who asks uh opinions on the name gymnasium that's jim nasium for a boy oh just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother and me kiss your dad school wear on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart three stacks these girls are smart play your part