My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 111: Sacrilice

Episode Date: July 9, 2012

After a one-week forced sabbatical (thanks, derecho!), we're back and wetter than ever, ready to dole out all manner of advice on subjects we know little to nothing about. Except for derecho survival. We're basically experts on that, now. Suggested talking points: Derecho Apocalypse, Forever Smell, Roommate Boundaries, Godwind, Straight-Edge Shrek, Illegal Cat Movies

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me. I am Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. What is, what's going on? Great, um, hello Griffin, believe this is a podcast. You see, what is this new character? It's like some sort of like, if John Waters was living in a cave for two decades.

No, um, well, while I was, I've been without electricity for a week, and while I was without electricity, I was down to reading books. Oh, okay. So this is, this is books, man. This is educated Justin. This is your, this is your brain on books. This is what they do. So in your mind, this is what educated people sound like. They use, I, in, in circles, I am in electoral circles. This is what my friends and I, this is how we speak. Justin, I want you to know, I picture you right now surrounded by bookcases, but your brain has swollen and you just have like a giant forehead.

Tell me, I have become top heavy. With, with this voice, did you inherit a, a proclivity for going to community pools and not swimming? Just sort of standing on the sidelines and just sort of soaking it in, soaking into you. I have, let me put it this way. I have memorized the different popsicle flavors. We are about the concessions, man. Oh, no. It is, yes. It's very, it bears everyone's trying to meet the heat, they say. But without electricity, I was not able to watch my programs. I was not able to play video games,

and I was forced to read, either now I've been exposed to all the great culture of the world. How, how sallow is your skin? Can you give me some sort of sallowness rating? It looks like an orange fruit by the front. Did you get book, Jaundice? What happened? No, he was just reading books and eating carrots the entire time. As they ran out of power, they had to eat their stock of baby carrots. I was forced to, I was forced to eat the butterflies I've preserved over the years. Pine glass, nutritionally devoured, but surprisingly very pleasing to the palate.

Yeah, yeah. All that, all that voice wants to do is eat something beautiful. Oh, so this is our advice program. My brother, my brother and me will dole out intellectual car, conversational advice. You're like hard right. What is this voice doing? I think he was just, I think he's turning into a condor also. It's, it's bucking underneath me. Bucking wildly. It wants desperately to go to Skarsgård.

I won't let it. I'm holding on to the reins and sadly it's like, oh god, it's devolved into Ed Grimly. Somebody help me. I think it started at Grimly and went down from there. Started at Grimly and went down from there. Hey everybody, this is our advice show. I've been exposed to the internet now for 15 minutes and I'm done again. Let's, that's enough time, time fooling. Let's, let's get, let's get deep into the advice. You know, that was the original title for Back to the Future. Time fooling with your buddies, Dr. Doc. Dr. Doc and Marty.

And Martin. There is a, one of the characters in Dawson's Creek is this, is this hyper literate bartender who reads, it's a very goodwill hunting sort of vibe, especially since they're in Boston. And he wears exactly Marty McFly's outfit and no one ever comments on it. He was fully wearing like orange vest with blue denim shirt and like no one calls him out like, hey, you're dressed like Marty McFly. Get it together, Dawson's Creek bartender. Let's all, let's thank, thank you, thank you listeners for being so patient with us after we got so, so blasted by the derecho.

The derecho took me down. The derecho just, it, it, it kissed Travis. I didn't see it. Yeah, you know what, let's, let's do the first question because I think it'll tie in. Okay. Ooh, okay. What do you do in case of a prolonged power outage to stay sane? I've been drinking, playing guitar and reading dark tower graphic novels by daylight, but daylight is waning. However, I'd rather be playing video games or editing a podcast. Help. Board games are not an option and I have no light by which to read. That's from Cole Ross.

Now Cole Ross, I know that you are in Cincinnati because you came to our live show. So we lost power here. I don't know, two, three days. Like we, we were without it in, in my home for about nine hours. And there were people in town that were without it for three or four days. And Justin, you went without it for? It came back. It went out Friday at, let me describe to you this store because like, I think people hear like a storm and anything like, oh, this was like nothing I've ever seen before. We were driving downtown to go to Black Sheep, the delightful burrito place in the downtown Huntington area. And it literally looked like this wall of black clouds that were, that were moving sort of swiftly towards us.

But as you got downtown, they're on 3rd Avenue, there's like, it's sort of industrial right next to the university. And there are like these dust clouds blowing from the industrial thing and like making it almost impossible to see. And then all of a sudden like paper starts flying everywhere and rocks and like signs are blowing over. And I mean, it took, it did like some serious damage in some parts of this. I mean, it took out like their whole signs that were pulled off and like the, the sporting goods store, Glenn's like it tore its whole awning off. Like it was crazy. We were getting hit with 90 mile an hour winds. It flipped a plane in Charles at the Charleston airport. And they had to like get a crew to come pick it up. It was insane. So like we have not only

do we not have the infrastructure for that, like we don't have power lines underneath the ground or anything. We have like, it hit so many places that we couldn't just like call better states and be like, Hey, we did, we done did it again guys. Ready to take on our refugees. Yeah, please come bring us ice and skull. But bring us news. Sweet snooze from Kentucky. I need snooze from Kentucky. And they're like, Listen, we got our own derecho related problems over here. You can't have our snooze. So that was crazy. And I was without power for it. And it, I didn't, this shows you how like dependent I am on the grid. I didn't even realize that you could be without power for a week. I guess I just assumed like President Obama would come save me or something like, Listen,

this is gone far enough. Let's go save Justin. Up to this point, whenever I lost power, I always pictured it like when you blow a breaker and you have to like go down to the basement and there's just a giant switch somewhere that somebody in a hard hat goes over and they got to pull it down and push it back up. Yeah. And then power kicks back on. When I was growing up and we used to lose power and like we would call the power company, I don't know why, but it always occurred to me that they would go, Oh, Oh, I have no idea. Okay, well, I guess we'll check it out. You mean the thing that we supply to the state, the thing, the only thing that we supply to the state we're not doing one product we produce. Glad you told us because we don't have the

dude who answers the phone when you lose power to like an entire Eastern seaboard. I don't know if you know this, but there's no power. Like, yeah, I know. So here's how I dealt with it. Day one was sort of charming. It was also we were having a record heatwave here. I should also mention that day one was almost sort of nice. The you know, we were enjoying each other's company. My wife and I came back to the house and we sat outside with a bottle of wine and some candles. It was almost romantic. And that lasted until the next morning when the power was still out. And then we lost our minds and went to Louisville for two days because we couldn't handle it. We had to escape the storm. I mean, to give you some idea of how

bad it was, like you couldn't buy. I went to a pump and tried to buy gas and it didn't have any in it. What? Yeah, it's always supposed to work. That's the one constant is I know I can get more gas. I had to get you instantly feel like you were in a zombie movie because I've had people described to me being out of gas in West Virginia and it sounds like the beginning of an apocalypse. Yeah, it's well and everybody here's the thing that's so weird about it. There's no reason for everybody to get all this gas. We're not out of gas. If it was like the electricity store, got us a fresh supply and go get it. I mean, like some people have generators, but it was panic. Just panic. That's exactly it. People were freaking out and like I was I know why I needed gas

because the only way I had to charge my cell phone was plug in the car adapter. I know that's like the least the least efficient charging method ever. But I don't know, man. I wish I had an answer for you. I lost it. I lost it. I couldn't get it together. I was without power for nine hours and I couldn't stand it. Like I was doing a show at the time. So I was downtown and we had power there. And when I came back, I called Teresa. We were still without power here. And so I was like, okay, well, I'll grab something, you know, I'll grab some fast food or something so that we can actually eat dinner. I have to drive all over town to find somebody with power enough to make me a hamburger. And there were lines around the block to get into the Wendy's. It was because they

had hamburger power because they had hamburger power. We have enough watts to produce 10 burgers. They're $100 each. And please don't tell. Please don't tell Dave Thomas. I don't know if you guys know this. Candles do not produce a lot of light. Yeah, you can't do shit by candlelight. Yeah, nothing. You can, well, I know one thing. What? That's, oh, you said it. What is it, Dustin? Fuck, fucking. Breathing. I thought you, oh no. I thought you were talking about fucking. Oh gross. So that's, those are the two things you can do. Yeah. So people did it for hamburgers and fuck. People did it for hundreds of years, I guess, maybe even thousands, as many as thousands of years of electricity before electricity was invented. But like, our brains aren't built that way

anymore. I don't have a brain for that kind of thing. Here's the thing. I was driving around and like, you take for granted how much light there is in the world at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Street lights, house lights, porch lights. Like, I couldn't see stop signs. I couldn't see intersections. Like, it was the cone around my car that was headlights was like it, it was terrifying. Like, I was so afraid I was gonna like, just hit somebody having no idea they were there. I don't understand why this guy's counting out board games from the jump. Like, if, if my power ever goes out, it's like, oh yeah, it's board game time. It's like an excuse to play board games. I don't understand why you would want to discount that right away. I don't think you should. Why

clue can get really scared. Oh, I know, because he's alone. Oh, well, guess what? You can play Mastermind. I guarantee, I guarantee you play Mastermind, you're going to forget what your pegs were instantly. What if it's like a Mastermind drinking game, you set up the board, right? And then you take like 10 shots of tequila, and then you sit down to play against yourself. Yeah, it's called, it's called Mastermind. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes, absolutely. This yahoo answer was sent in by Alexander Hock or Hotch. One of those two. Thanks, Alexander. It's by yahoo answers user Av, who asks, question about smelling? Okay. Hi, okay, I have a question about smelling air, like with your nose.

Okay, so like, I never thought about it, but what if you breathe in a lot of stink air? Does this, does the stink air lodge itself into your lungs, and you get the smell inside of you until the end of time, aka forever? But because I went to a farm last year, and there was a bit cow poo, and I smelled it, and I still smell it sometimes. Additional details. I saw it on the news. Okay. So this gentleman is worried about eternal smell. Yeah. He's worried about the smell getting inside of him, and living forever, aka the end of time. Actually, this is, this phenomenon is well known. We just call it something different, memories. Yeah. That's how, this is how memory works, is you get a smell inside of you, and it never lets itself go, let's self out, and then,

it's actually my favorite kind of memory, it's sense memory, and it's like, when you smell something, and it connects to something else, but I really want to know what kind of memory is attached to the smell of cow poop, because wouldn't that be like the worst sense memory? Every time you smell cow poop, you think of that girl you made love to on the farm. Yeah. Why does that, doesn't I get it? Why would that, why would the smell of, you should never, ever connect the smell of poop and sex in your mind at the same time? If you, if you smell poop, you can't have sex, like that's the rules, you say, well, listen baby, you're, you're a red and white checked shirt that you've tied into a knot in front of you, like farmer's daughters do,

looks so sexy, and I like that. I know I'm a traveling hairbrush salesman. I'm a traveling hairbrush salesman, but listen, it smells like poopy right here. You're giving me, you're giving me come hither eyes, but the air around you is giving me go away, run, run, run eyes. No, I know your, your father, the farmer, told me not to touch you, his beautiful virginal daughter, um, and I should be moseying along to, I don't know, Piscataway or someplace like that, the traveling salesman go, but I smelled poop. Is that just me? Is that just me? I like to mosey, I'm going to Albuquerque, Albuquerque. Albuquerque. I, I, I don't know guys, I still, I used to port a John at Bonnaroo on the last day once and that's, that, that smell is like,

I still, it comes up from time to time and it's not like, I think about Bonnaroo and then I get the smell. It's like, it lives in like my shoulder blade or something and every once in a while, if I jostle it, I'll break the seal and it'll come back to me. I think the smell lives inside me forever and ever, okay, at the end of time. Now, did you think this before you read this question, or is it just an idea? It's a problem I deal with every single day, but it's okay because sometimes I'll like be walking down the street and I'll get a whiff of Heiner's Bakery, which is in Huntington and I haven't been to ever. I've just driven by it 10 years ago. You just driven by it and it gets stuck in your knee. You get that smell in my knee. I am a man, I am composed of smells,

basically. I think everybody has made it, yeah, everybody is basically made of smells. You know, it's something you learn in psychology that basically you, the you that is you, is just a, you know, it's just a building of all the smells you've ever smelled in your life. Right, that's how you get your personality. That's how it's just based on the collection of smells. Yeah, that's why people who like make barbecue for a living are like so jovial is because they are made of barbecue smells. Right, do you remember that time that you laughed at letting crashers? You found that funny because of that time that you smelled barbecue when you were in Memphis. Yeah. Wait, how are those two ideas connected? Well, smelling the barbecue gave you

the ability to find things funny. Yeah. That's why that is why Amish people are so bitter. Right, I'm actually a strong proponent of completely and totally dismantling our public school system and just creating these facilities where you come in and you plug in some sort of oxygen apparatus into your nose, sort of like an oxygen bar. And then instead of making children read traditional books and receive tutelage from professors, they just get steak smells blown into their face, into their face holes, or maybe not even steak. Maybe it's, you know, fresh bun cotton candy or a funnel cake, or maybe instead of getting sent to the principal's office, you put a little poop in there, you know? This is in your body now forever. This smells in there.

You're going to get 30 seconds of poop. Yeah. You're going in the poop. I didn't do it. The poop choking is what we're called. This is why kids in Africa always look so sad and all those sides show these commercials because all they ever smelled is zebras and dust. Yeah, that's probably not. Those are the two smells that they have. I remember when I first read the book, The Giver, and I thought that is what we're talking about. That's so good, Travis. That's said in Africa. Well, I was just thinking of sharing smells with people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody there can remember anything except for one guy. They don't even see colors. He does all the smells for everybody and he gives them to people. I remember that time I taught a young

African child what sledding was. Yeah. And it was pretty epic. Through the smell of fresh store-bought and you can read in my biography. What's that smell? The story of Travis McRoy. Can you keep a sachet of some sort of certain smell that will give that will teach someone to love our podcast that you just carry around with you? He just carries around a lot of glass bubbles and you open them. I'm going to juggle these bubbles like Jared from Labyrinth and then I'd like to crack one open for you or just if you could just inhale this perfume of exotic perfumes and please enjoy the toilet. If you inhale it, it will make you a much better typer. It does smell like Wendy's. That's right. It smells like Wendy's that makes you a great typer. Enjoy the Wendy's memories.

These are my Wendy's memories. The plot of Labyrinth 2, the plot of Labyrinth 2 is me trying to go find Jared. It's just wondering the streets of Huntington with a bunch of mason jars yelling for David Bowie. People ask me like, have you been to Wendy's? If I have, I don't recall ever having gone to Wendy's. It seems like I would go. They're pretty prevalent but because Jared stole all the food. I'll get no chicken sandwich, no nuggets, nothing. I don't remember a single frosty because Jared stole all my Wendy's memories. Dance, dance, Wendy's, dance, jump, Wendy's, jump. You remind me of the crispy chicken sandwich.

The power of Dave Thomas. Fuck. I'm going to need to take a two hour break here so I can go watch Labyrinth again. I need a 30 minute break to go eat Wendy's and then poop it out which is about how long it takes to do that for Wendy's. What if the smell of a certain food made you forget right that you ate it and you would be locked forever and like my belly seems fuller? Yeah. I'm dead like that guy in 7. This gazpacho looks great though. I can't wait to eat it. I can't believe I got to drive back to Wendy's. What's Wendy's? I've never heard of it. Oh shit, Labyrinth 2. Tagline. Come get the new inception burger.

Come get the new inception burger and remember that time that your uncle died. Whenever I go out of town, my roommate likes to bone down in my bed. I've been told by friends of mine and I also know he has gotten some mouth action in my closet. Come on. I've tried locking my door but it's pretty easy to unlock. Is there anything I could do about this or do I have to sleep with it? Any suggestions? And that's from Bill Zillionaire. Your roommate is the worst asshole I've ever heard. He is addicted to it, right? You lock your door and you're like please don't have sex in my room. I lock the door please don't and he's like okay you got it. And then you dip in and he's like I cannot wait. And he breaks down your door and fuck your bed. That's breaking

and entering. That's breaking and entering and mouth action. You girl you look so fucking good. Oh I'm gonna bang you so hard. Just let me get this lock open. I gotta take you on David's bed. This is not my bed kind of action. If I don't do it on David's bed action. If I don't do it on David's bed then I can't finish. Pretend I'm David. Pretend you're David. Two Davids. Because there's two Davids. There's a David in the closet getting mouth action. Can we stop? Can we just not say that anymore though? If we could just not say mouth action. I just see mouth action is like when you're like you're scatting or beatboxing. When you're scatting that's worse. Oh no no no no no. No I'll never forget the smell. Oh man. Why is it why is your roommate such a freak? He loves it. And not just a freak but

you locked your door. It's like the quintessential like boundary issue. This is like one of those things that is so such a big deal that it informs so much else about this person. This is not a good guy. I don't care if he makes muffins every single morning. Oh good morning Dave. Here's some fresh muffins also. I look forward to fucking in your bed when you leave for the weekend. I don't care if this dude like saved your dad from a house fire. Like yeah there's no excuse. But the good news is as with every question on my brother my brother me I have a solution. Okay. You ready? One word. Lice. No hold on. Stay with me. You know you're going away for the weekend. You put lice in the bed. Okay. The girl and the guy get into your bed. That can't be helped.

They get in your bed. They I don't know what people do in beds but they do it and then you then they leave and the girl has lice and then she says you gave me lice. I mean we got to break up. You're a dirty kid and then she calls like the telephone scene and by my birdie she calls all the girls she knows. She's like did you hear the news? David has lice. But you don't see how this kid backfire is if she says David's roommate's bed has lice. Oh you're saying that you're saying that Dave. There's a lot of sacrifice going on here. There is a lot of sacrifice. It's worse sacrifice. Yes. There's a lot of sacrifice going on there and you know what part of the sacrifice is that David is going to have to get lice too you know. You got to commit to the goof. You got

to commit to this plan we're laying out here. I think my favorite part of your plan is when you said that they would have to break up as though his roommate has a girlfriend and the girlfriend's totally okay with fucking in the other bed. So what is she just bringing home like random random skanks? That's what it sounds like to me. I mean like I can't imagine that his roommate's been dating this girl for like two years and they're in a loving relationship and every time she comes over he's like so you want to do it and David's been. She's like yeah. Yeah I do. Well I would not. So you're thinking he's just breaking home and I was like oh yeah no no that's that's totally me. That picture is that's me and my uh yes my family is black. I'm adopted and also I used to

be black like David but that's me. That's totally me. I really want to be there when this guy like confronts his roommate about this and then remember it's just like I got to be me. Listen man. What if you. No boundaries. I wish I could stop too but you know we've all got our hangouts we've all got our things you know you like you don't do the dishes sometimes and sometimes I have sex in your bed like we all got idiosyncrasies. What I think you should do is do dishes in the bathtub and pee in his laundry hamper and try to cook eggs on the tv and then when he comes home you'd be like oh I I thought that's just what we do here we just like do things in the furniture that we're not supposed to do that man. I wasn't aware that's just something you get to do I didn't I thought.

Next time he has sex on your bed you burn his bed down you set his bed on fire cut it in half with a chainsaw. Cut it in half with a chainsaw if you're not gonna use his bed apparently no one's using this bed so I'm gonna cut it in half with a chainsaw. Yeah this is a continuum household we all fucking sleep in one bed. What if when you left town you put rubber sheets on your bed? Oh grody I love it. And so then when he brings the girl in all it takes is about three seconds of contact to your bed before they're like ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh. Take your mattress with you. That's good. I'm going back to my folks place. Get a Murphy bed so when he comes in your room there's no bed. You find him in the wall later dead. Why didn't you tell me?

I deserve better than this it's like the cast of Montalano for dirty dumb kids. I'm better than this. Uh throw some cold pennies and jacks up in there. Oh that's the worst. Oh we're just crumbs. You see some funyons in there. Or combs. There's so many combs in this bed. I don't want to be in here or around it. Install a black light on your ceiling. You need a picture of yourself doing horrific things that just slip it between the sheets. Get some Buzz Lightyear sheets. Put a mirror on the ceiling but on that mirror stick a giant sticker of yourself like looking disapprovingly.

Find a picture of your roommate's mom and then have sheets made that have her face all over it. Nothing's happened in that bed. But all these suggestions are they are contingent on the fact that this roommate is a normal person. Yeah. Which of course he is not. I mean because he's he's just like a wild animal. He's like breaking locks so he can get into his friend's bed to bang. What did you do to your roommate in the past? Yeah. That has made him this single minded revenge machine. You're right there is a wrong somewhere that he is attempting to write. That's the only thing that makes sense. And like you'll bust in on him and he'll be like you remember that time you ate the pizza hot pocket. That was my pizza hot pocket David. That's some Genghis con

shit though like if you fucked in this guy's bed and he was like well in payback I'm gonna fuck in your bed exclusively for the rest of my life. I hope you know if you move out. If you yeah I hope you are. I'm starting a family. Yeah. I we don't normally do like follow up on questions. This is one where I really want you to talk to like I have to know you have to ask him like what is the attraction. Does he just not want to get crabs in his bed and he brings him a lot of really real duds. Like what is the idea. I don't get it. I really don't and I have to know I'm captivated. You live a fascinating life. You live a fascinating life. You guys are any Yahoo. Absolutely. I've got a few. This Yahoo. Let's go with this one. This

Yahoo was sent in by Elliot Harmon. Thank you Elliot. It's by Yahoo Answers user. I doubt it too. Who asks. Does wind have free will or does God direct every puff. Come on somebody has to know or at least pretend to know. Somebody has to know or at least pretend to know that if the Yahoo Answers story. Exactly. I like any question that starts with come on. Yeah. Come on guys. It's gone on long enough. Do you know how sometimes like you can't get a kite going. Oh a kite. Yeah. Kite when you're flying a kite. You can't get it. All right. Jesus. Sometimes you're flying a kite and you can't get it going. Is that a good grief. Yeah. And then Snoopy walks by. Maybe is that proof that God is dead.

Is that what that means. No it's proof that God's napping. Okay. He's just taking a nap. That you've done something terrible in your life and God doesn't want your kite to fly. Yeah. Maybe if you lived a more pure life. The other question is like when a when a breeze comes along and like blows the girl's skirt up and everyone can see her underpants. Does that mean God's a pervo. Yeah. Maybe that's just maybe that's just giving us a little something you know for being good. I'm sorry zapped. Is that something that happens to you in like your day to day. Every single day. It's even if the girl's wearing like pants. The wind blows the pants. What the fuck. And then suddenly comes along and sharks her. And God directed that man to do that

thing. Once you start once you start assigning things that have happened that God did like did God this this this Yahoo Answers person has hit on something very primal. Did God did God make the derecho and knock out my power. Why if God has control over it and he knows we need to record him a bambam. Why would God use a derecho to knock out my power. And here's what I so in my Zen training and this idea of you know the that there is some guiding force in everything. It makes me think that if we had done my brother my brother me last week everyone would have died. Yeah. Oh right. It was so funny. And people were like oh it's such it's such a terrible thing that there was no episode this week but what they didn't know. Right. There was a joke in it. Had been

if there had been rampant death. A joke is so one of the jokes would be so funny that you would everybody would be driving listening to it. They're just Korean transmitters and they would die. And it would be like the ring like seven days after you hear this joke you die. I don't think it has to be that wide widespread. Like I think we what's more likely is we'd say something mean about French Stewart and then he'd hear the podcast and kill himself. Oh that was the one he would listen. Yeah we I don't think I would send him that one. I like his work. I mean like I think I think he would enjoy the show. Yeah. But but but maybe not the one where we say mean things about him. Have you been sending him episodes. Oh yeah. Wait that was we told you to

you've been you were on French Stewart duty I think Trev. Oh God. Yeah you're reaching out to French. Oh I thought you said to be Frenching out and that's what I've been doing. No. I don't like our two options here because the options are either God shoots shoots a wind gun at the earth in ways that please him for the people. That's a little that's a little Greco Roman for my taste. Or the wind itself has free will. It's like I just got it. Get it. All wind is dirty perverts. That's stupid kid with the kite. Let's knock it down. Now Griffin I'm going to give you a third option. OK. Wind does have free will and God is constantly battling it. Oh my God. That's how tornadoes happen right. Right. It's when the wind just

wants to blow a lady's skirt up so bad and I'm like no you dirty pervy wind. That's why all tornadoes move in the direction of ladies with skirts. All wind is a ghost of a dirty old man. OK. So we know that. So it's always trying to either blow like the giver. Just like in the giver just like in the giving tree. All wind is the ghost of a dirty old man. Right. So it can either blow skirts up. That's the one thing when does the other thing when does is play with little kids with whatever like wind toy that they have. And as we've already established it watches people fuck or tries to. So whenever you don't leave your blinds open because you know it's out there wind and it's watching you get it on in your roommate's bed. Yeah. Wind is the wind is the

enemy. Now God God's like I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to make sentient wind. Sentient wind. What was I thinking. I was young. I was young and in love. I was I was 40 trillion. In fact I was only 40 trillion. I was making a lot of mistakes. A lot of crazy stuff. And I didn't mean to make sentient wind. That was my bad. But I'm infallible. So I meant to make sentient dirt. Yeah. Sentient dirt would be the worst. As soon as it got a tree in it. Look at me everybody. What do you want fruit. I can make it. I've got so many nutrients. I got I mean I got some gold in me but I'm not going to tell you where.

Some hey look over here. There's an arrowhead. It's a secret. That's my secret arrowhead. I'm never going to tell. Oil. There's some oil in here somewhere. You gotta fight for it though. All the worms moving all up in me too. That's a nice pocket of natural gas over here. Come on and get it. Stupid dirt. I hate you. God I'm glad you're not sentient dirt because that would be all dirt's day. Think about how many and then if you start digging like forget about it. How could you do this. I would have just told you where the arrowhead was. And then of course the golems. You gotta fight with those. So that was all science. This is what our science is. This has been our science.

We should seriously do a science theme show. That would be the best. Let's do one whole episode on space. Here's my idea. This is such a good idea. We go to Cosi in Columbus. We go to Cosi in Columbus. We do a kid friendly science show and we do it at Cosi on the stage there. Would Cosi have proved us saying that wind is ghosts with that. I feel like Cosi has an exhibit called wind is not ghosts and we would be doing our show in front of that and it would feel a little disingenuous. We would be watching people like Cosi employees lining the back wall and they'd start laughing and then probably at the end they'd just be like restrained basically. Science is dead. Get up on the thing. No this is true. You guys killed science. Don't listen to them.

To me doing our show in front of an audience of like 30 kids would be like working without a net. I think it would be terrifying. All you gotta do is slip one ghost watching. You slip fuck. And you're like oh no. My childhood is over. And you just see like Mr. Cosi go shut it down. Shut it down. And like three like sniper rifle lasers just train on us. Put it in the time tunnel. Cosi has an exhibit about checking your balls and boobs for cancer lumps which you do by watching a video and feeling up prosthetic balls and boobs. I don't think we can get any raunchier than that. That's true. Cosi. You should do those things. It's important to learn how to check your stuff. But then you have a thing there that you're like yeah feel up on these boobs Griffin.

You're on a church trip. Wait till the annual Griffin go to town. Wait till you're in your pastor's blind spot and then go to town. I don't know if you guys know this but Cosi also has that thing with all the corpses now. What they have the the bodies. Yeah it's coming in October. Oh my god. So that'll be pretty crazy. You can just feel up all the bodies. Yeah just touch the butts. Oh god. Yeah I can't wait we got to do this science show. Okay. You know for kids. Yeah. Yeah. Well that's that would get in the way of our long standing policy of being drunk while doing this. Yeah. We could be drunk on science. Yeah. I think any kind of drunk is drunk on science. Can we do a tape delay. Yeah. Is that possible with a

rainbow of children. If we if we're speaking like really really far away from them and the speed of sound. Well we can figure out what the speed of sound is because we'll be at Cosi. So we'll just do some research. You know what the speed of sound is as fast as it fucking wants to be. That's not actually true. Yeah. It's as fast as you can throw a microphone. You know the fastest way to my heart. What's that money. Griffin who is this message for. This message is for Luke Jordan. It is from Abbey Matt Sam Ashley and Tucker. They would like to wish their brother Luke Jordan the happiest of 29th birthdays and thank him for introducing all of his siblings to my bim bam. Luke enjoys

rock climbing and snowboarding but most of all being an evangelist for the chuckles for the brothers three. Here's to getting him. Here's to him getting it done in 20 does squatly pride. Can we examine what that means. I don't know what squatly pride means and I do. I have to confess that knowing that people listen to our show that are that active physically. Yeah. What are they trying to prove. Yeah. Is it a situation where they're trying to prove something or is it a case where the fact that they are doing it and we are inspiring them to do it. Well it's actually Luke and I have an accord. He is my surrogate exerciser. So he is getting fit on your behalf for me and that I'm living vicariously through his sweet abs and delts and you're just filled with squatly

pride. I'm filled with squatly pride. Yeah. I'm filled with squatly pride for Desiree Gonzalez from her friend's friend her friend Julie Hill. Not to say that she only has the one friend. Not just yes. She probably has more than one friend besides Julie but Julie is clearly her best friend because she's wishing a happy 30th birthday to her best friend Desiree. They both love who have been bam and I love her so much and then at the end it says yay. You don't love her as much as I love you. All right. Listen Julie you don't you don't know Desiree like we do. You back off. You back off. You're done here. Happy birthday. She might be your best friend but we are her best friends. Right. What are her best friends and her brothers. The best brother friends. Happy dirty 30. Happy dirty

30. Making garland Tyler. I have a message for you. I just ran into the room. Not a breath. I've brought a message. I've brought a message. Extreme extreme. I read all about it. I've got a message from Steven Tyler here. He says happy 30 second birthday to my amazing wife. She and I both huge fans of your podcast and she'll be extremely excited about the mention especially if she can make it into a song. Here's a song. We don't do songs for people. Terrence and Philip. You should be our business. So happy 30 second birthday. You know what. I was going to make a narrow Smith joke but Steven you've done such a nice thing here that I'm sure that you get this joke all the time and I'm not going to do it and that's my birthday present to you.

Nah. I want every single mobim bammer listening every mobim bambina listening when you eventually meet the arrow Smith Steven Tyler. Ask him if he's named after that awesome dude who bought the mention of my brother my brother me and then run away and run away before he unhinges his scary mouth and eat you whole like a snake gobbling a mongoose. So thank you to everybody. If you guys are looking for the perfect way to celebrate any birthday what's that I direct you to extremestrains.com. I know what you're thinking. Justin is our sex toys really the best gift for don't finish the sentence because the answer is yes. I was going to say quinceanera still still yes. Yes. Absolutely. That's listen she's a woman. Okay. Okay. For quinceanera a sweet 16

or disappointing 17. Griffin what is the deal with extremestrains.com. Extreme restraints sells a number of marital aids that helps spice up your relationship in ways that you may not know you need but you definitely definitely do. They have a wide assortment of safe and totally rad sex toys that you should check out including and this is a list of of things that they that Mbembe and fans have bought using the coupon code middleist right. Yes. Using the coupon code middleist you can save how much. If you use the coupon code middleist m-i-d-d-l-e-s-t you get 20% off of your purchase. Which is that's so much off. Yeah. That's a crazy amount. From the week of this broadcast. Yeah. And then every week after this if you use it you get 10% off so it's

an amazing deal. But they sent us a list with no names very discreet. They sent us a list of things that people have bought using the coupon code and it's awesome. Things like the one shot enema launcher. Mm-hmm. Things like the super snake bite suckers. Things like the blossom glass dildo TM from the TV show blossom. The ostrich tickler which isn't what I think it is. They have everything for eight for animals too. The Japanese nipple clamps which I think you can use even if you're not a black Japanese. There's also it's if there's there's there's one reason that you should absolutely go to their website go to the sections for dildos and insertables and you'll see that in the picture for the inflatable dildo section there is inexplicably

a can of Coca-Cola next to it. So go there and try to figure out. Don't try to do it with a regular can of Coca-Cola. Can't stress this enough. They don't use this. They are not made of load bearing materials that's all I'm going to say. But yeah they have they have a wide selection of things for you know varying levels of kink so so go check it out. Extreme restraint. If you've used the cuban code middleist and you've bought some of these products and you've used them and you've enjoyed them go back and go to their website and write some product reviews and say you know tell them my brother my brother and me sent you. But it in the product reviews talk about all the great experiences that you've had with them and how much you've enjoyed the products. Can I appreciate

it? We appreciate it. Can I say my new favorite thing on this list? I've just read the entire thing. I mean everything is so exotic with things like the dougie style enhancement strap or the trinity silicone vibrating butt plug. What I like is that there's a thing on here just called the probe. Sounds like serious business. Extreme restraints.com cuban code middleist. Get it. I got a question. In a couple of months my older brother and his wife are going to move in. It's great that I'll get to hang out with my brother more but there's a small problem. I love beer but my brother is straight edge meaning no drugs alcohol or other stimulant. I know he will constantly judge me for drinking. I'm responsible when I drink. Not that I ever go beyond buzzed.

Who gets drunk off beer? Lots of people. Everyone. But I know that won't matter to him. Is there any way I can get my brother to get off my back and stop being so judgmentalist from beer fan in Florida? I think every time he does it you just say oh and how do you like living in my home? Yeah. Yeah how would you like it if you just lives elsewhere sir? Not you wouldn't like it? Well then chill out. Let me kick back this brew. Is this a former party monster scenario? He used to be they called him the ogre in college. And the ogre could pound so many like no village was safe. He would drink out of like a trophy and beat up nerds. Yeah. I can't go back to being the ogre. I can't be Shrek anymore.

I had hair on my palms. Help me. I had a pet donkey and everything. It was ridiculous. I don't think it was actually Shrek Travis. Oh I want him to be. I lived in a swamp. I fought a tiny John Lithgow. I am a fairy tale. I had bugles on my ears. I was in. I was in a movie by Dreamworks. I am Mike Myers. Good singer, Travis. Thank you. Why do you really keep the bit momentum going? You're the gingerbread man. I was gay. Are you the ogre? Me? Yes. Yeah. Oh. I'm the calm the ogre. I take bits and I crush them. Crush them like so many paps blue ribbon cans against your forehead. I think that it okay if it's a party monster situation I don't know. If it's a situation where he just happens to be like happens to be

not an entaker of those things. I think that's something that actually will get better after exposure. Like the three of us grew up in a house where neither of our parents drank. Our mom might have the occasional glass of wine on a very rare occasion. Not that I think I never saw. I never saw it once. It was when I was 21 and I looked at her and said I'm gonna order a beer and she said that I'm gonna order a glass of wine and I said very well mother. So that was a huge rarity at our house and I think there's still some lingering like when you when I see someone drink for a long time like especially like in college and stuff I had associated people who drank with with bad people like with with with like not bad like evil but like it was something you're not

supposed to do uh and and that was mainly just because I'd never seen my parents do it. So I think if he's living in your house and seeing like you are drinking and it and it it is not something that like impairs your life or anything then uh then I think he'll sort of get used to the idea. I think some people who don't have never drank or or or what have you are under this impression that like you have one drink and all of a sudden you're a different person that they can't relate to. There's a lot of nuances to this question because if if it's a situation where like he's a recovering alcoholic or he's in N.A. like maybe it is a little insensitive to I mean it's still your house and you should be able to do what you want to do but but if he's if he's recovering

from something uh but even that I know a lot of recovering alcoholics that are like no fuck it it doesn't bother me like it right but that's not the case enforcing enforcing their lifestyle on you. That is not the case for everyone though and if you you're this is your brother you're talking about like if it was me and one of you guys was in that situation I probably just wouldn't drink because I wouldn't want to I don't know I just wouldn't want to put you guys what I have to ask like how much of the judgment do you think is like perceived like how is your brother actually going like you shouldn't drink it's bad or yeah maybe when you drink you get paranoid yeah but maybe this guy like walks up to him every time you crack a beer and slaps out of your hand it just feels no

no beer in my house yeah in your house no beers your house enjoy this this topo as long as you live under your roof yeah that's quite literally a buzzkill isn't it like why do you want to be around your straight-edge brother when you're trying to hoist a few why don't you go out to a little watering hole trying to just hoist a few for once um I don't I don't know I wish I knew more about the situation I think tentatively you should just secret drink in the bathroom no maybe you get him drunk no I'm gonna say like spike some stuff and then be like who's judgmental now Steve I roofied you that's awful who's in charge now Stephen I I don't here's what this this guy's question does not give me any indication that like he says he will constantly judge him but like

what is he doing with his life that's so great they're moving into his house because he got really drunk and said their house on fire one of you drinks and one of you doesn't and one of you is homeless so maybe maybe it's time for your brother to get off his fucking high wars and kick back a few of these I could have a life and just relax are you saying that papers are the secret to universal success no but I'm saying the president drinks PBR and he's the president yeah if you're homeless and you're maybe it's a good time to start drinking it's because you need to forget about that fact that you don't have a house anymore yeah like move it yeah I don't understand if you if you don't want to drink I get it I don't but I get it I guess but to to chastise people who decide to I

mean but but that's very easy for me to say right like if you were if one of you guys started doing blow like I right or if we were if we were like about that if we were problem drinkers if we were if we drank to feel and shit like then then it would be a problem but this guy sounds like he's responsible because he says it and that's really all I have to go on maybe he's not maybe uh oh whoops yeah the sense of who gets drunk on beer is kind of that's a little worry kind of scary I think like 30 or 40 of them but I can't be drunk I've been having beer he's mostly water anyway it's mostly why it's just sleepy I'm tired and I didn't want to work slow yeah I got hot I took my hands off it has nothing to do I just need some sprees and then

I'll be good to go I must have just gotten food poisoning that's the only thing that makes sense these beers are rotten I wanted to sleep in a swimming pool it's like can't bang let's move on guys this Friday and every Friday at 10 p.m on IFC you got to tune for comedy bang bang it's an absurd half hour comedy show that only looks like a talk show they got a host Scott Ackerman band led by Reggie Watts they got great guests they gave me pullers at Galifianakis and Seth Rogan I don't know why I said Galifianakis like that but I did uh and this Friday they got Paul Rudd and there's gonna be a robot inventor and Todd Berry will be there and also Chris Parnell so tune in this Friday at 10 p.m on IFC for comedy bang bang comedy so nice they banged it twice

can you give me a hug please uh yes this is sent in by Trevor oh no I'm sorry it was sent to by Lisa Holofield I was asked by Trevor thank you to both Trevor Trevor asks is it illegal to make a movie about a cat I would like to make a movie about a cat named Trevor but I'm afraid to do it and a lady across the street for me is a lawyer and I'm worried to do it once my sister made a movie but I'm not sure if I could do it or not I really do not know what to do okay wait is the question asked her name Trevor or is the cat named Trevor it's a biopic it's a biopic about a cat it's like that movie fluke pretty much this is a cat using y'all who answers uh that's my first question so I this is a child it has to be a child it has to be a child and this

child does it there's a lawyer a lawyer spelled with an O uh who lives across the street the barbarian he knows that lawyer the barbarian lives across the street and in his mind the way that their whole litigious operation breaks down is they kick in the door and say no no no I'll put you in jail for doing all you are just looking out through the blinds at him filming this cat you need to film it sounds like his his parents have told him like uh you know don't write on the walls or else the lawyer the barbarian will come down and eat you whole additional details in the film I will be killing the cat like yeah right now that is a crime is are there any additional details and or answers uh no it's not illegal to make a movie about a cat it's only illegal if you hurt the cat

let the creative notions flow no what is the creative notion about a cat like it it like I saw Milo and Otis I know it could be charming with a lot of post-production but at the level of six year old I'm assuming six is going to be filming it's basically just going to be a lot of like my name is Trevor this is the story of Trevor the cat and how his parents didn't really love him after the new baby came he started packing his bag to run away because he hated his new baby brother Schuyler hey but then with the economy being what it was Trevor was very sad bad news guys I kind of want to see this movie now I hope it doesn't get caught up in a lot of legal red tape did you guys hear about Peter Hewitt the director of Garfield the movie is doing 25

to life did you know what for sorry is that true yeah oh oh yeah right okay for cat-based crimes you stupid asshole that was going to be the goo for the century did you know that that studio that produced Garfield the movie was called Davis entertainment and also pause ink now is that true that is a hundo true now is he talking maybe this kid is talking about like the lawyer the barbarian and their role in like settling distribution right yeah or managing that maybe the movie he wants to create is Garfield the movie three three fast three furious uh Garfield three kitten play and uh that would probably get him in a touch of hot water what is making a propaganda film starring a cat named Trevor what if it's a sequel to a pot maybe it's like girl in the dragon

girl the dragon tattoo and it's the number two and it's a movie starring his cat because that's gonna get you into he's making Ghostbusters three starring his cat um that's a problem if he uses you can't get whatever he uses like if the whole soundtrack for his kitten movie was by dashboard confessional that he like ripped off of a cd that's an issue this is my movie cat to the future starring Trevor Trevor the cat and all of the Huey Lewis music i could find which is and the smart and the smart bartender from Dawson's Creek i got him really cheap actually surprisingly enough his schedule was like wide open it wasn't even a big if his cat's name is Pepsi this is an issue you're gonna run into problems yeah this is my movie a day in the life of Trevor

music by the Beatles uh this has been our comedy show my brother my brother and me we hope you've enjoyed it and had fun listening to it if you have could you maybe uh go do review on itunes or maybe a subscription on itunes that helps to spread the word about the show uh and also tweet about it with the mb mb am hashtag you can be just like buzz click cool teen Naruto jerk face killer uh andrea l hill uh dirtlin the mealthram crystal alyn schmied uh note and color land and k lord wolfington and so many others thank you guys for for tweeting about the show and hanging in there with us when it was uh when we missed a week i had an idea i had like the like a brilliant sort of uh pay it forward ask epiphany for how many people could spread the word about the show

is you take a jump drive and you put like your favorite episodes on it and you give it to somebody maybe a stranger maybe a friend and you tell them to copy and paste the episodes off the jump drive onto their computer and then they hand it off to somebody else oh i love this isn't that nice and maybe you could even write pay it forward on there and then people will think that the jump drive has pay it forward on it like oh i love that movie i haven't seen it in a grip and then they plug it in and like well i don't know what this is but i'll watch it anyway and then they figure it out and hand it off yeah and you write mb mb a m on one side and the other side pay it forward and then you just keep passing it around i love this idea so there's an idea just something to get

started we talked some we talked about doing like burning on cds but that's i mean that's environmentally unfriendly so 2000 yeah yeah do that make that jump drive then take a picture of it send it to us on twitter and uh we'll we'll retweet you and then we'll so you can we'll pin it so we just to be pin it to pinterest uh i want to think i want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed which is a really good album real real nice tunes nice strings and strums and drums and uh i want to tell you guys about an epic opportunity for you our listeners okay so maybe you've never made it to a live show before we haven't done that many and we have some posters that are only available

at live shows right so maybe you want one of those posters and you want one that's signed by not only the three macaw brothers but also the artist jesson russo and sydney macaroids pretty exclusive well here's your opportunity you can get one and benefit wesley johnson uh he's having to have some surgery done and he's trying to pay for it and you can buy the poster and help him um to pay for the surgery just go to bit.ly slash help wejo w e j o and you can bid on the poster and possibly win it and then you have your own piece of my brother my brother mean memorabilia and you've helped out an awesome guy so check it out you've kept a mountain of a man alive so yeah so lend a hand if you so lend a hand if you can um and thank you so much for listening be sure to tune in

next monday we'll return with a new episode but until then thank you for being you we love you we love you very much oh and give give a listen to the other max fun shows if you haven't throwing shade yeah jordan jesse go judge on haunchman stop podcasting yourself bullseye jesse jesse hinted on his uh twitter that they're going to be announcing a new show on the max fun lineup i i don't know what it is yet what the fuck yeah but yeah yeah like we just got used to throwing shade and having to share the love of our pot father and now um better not having better not having brothers on it no nerd vice if you give advice i'm gonna burn it down um this final yahoo was ended by url parts and thank you url it's by yahoo answers user sky who asks if i die is there yahoo answers in

heaven oh shit i'm just a mackerel i'm Travis mackerel i'm Griffin mackerel i there's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad school wear on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man these girls are smart three stacks these girls are smart play your part