My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 113: Dolphin Jockey

Episode Date: July 23, 2012

People all over the world: Join hands. Start a love train. Now, throw this episode of MBMBaM into the firey engine of that train. Let us power your train until it pulls into Good-Time Station. Suggested talking points: Willard Defense Fund, Frasier's Nine Lives, Horses of the Sea, Hotel Tipping, Beard Arousal, All of the Words, Heroism

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, your headquarters for the free Fred Willard effort. Is effort what we're going with? That seems kind of inert. I mean, I feel like we could have had alliteration there, but free Fred Willard fun, won't you? The Willard Weiner, why? What? What? We lax.

All right. McElroy is my middle brother. My youngest brother is Griffin McElroy. This is their voices. This is what they sound like. Thank you for this. The lower one is Travis. He, a few issues. Can I enumerate my issues? Why don't you recap? Give us the quick version. Fred Willard went to an adult movie theater and masturbated, and then he got fired from from public television and radio. Right. So enumerated list of issues. One, fucking layoff. Two, two, Frederick. Listen, a lot of people have been drawing, and by a lot of people, I haven't been following this closely. I have been mistakenly,

but then I remedied my thought process. A lot of people have been drawing comparisons between this and the Paul Rubens jerk off accident incident of 1996. When was it? It was early. It was 21 years ago. For fuck's sake. So like deal with it. You deal with the fact that someone was born on the day that Pee Wee Herman was arrested and can share a cocktail with someone over the fact that Fred Willard was arrested for the same crime. Back then, it was rough. It was rough and tumble because he was a kid star, and he was baiting much like a kid star wouldn't do. But this was also in 1973. This is, hey, Fred, it's 2012, sir. Frederick, you can do this at home. You can do this in front of your computer. Well,

see, that brings me to my first issue with the whole thing, which is a pretty broad issue. Why the fuck are there still adult theaters? It's a pretty broad issue. Why doesn't he just get himself a pretty broad? You're a famous man. You've got some money in the bank. Why don't you go out to the local dancing halls and meet a lady your own age? Where are these theaters even operating? Can I tell you the bigger double question? This is in Los Angeles, right? You don't have no other crime to be worrying about other than my boyfriend Willard trying to hang. Like, go bust some real criminals. I'm willing to bet that wherever in any town there is an adult theater, that adult theater constitutes the CD underbelly

of that town. Now, are we casting dispersions because he was at this adult theater or because he was jerking it so right at this adult theater? I've heard people say in his defense that he was not jerking it right. He was just there instead of walk through and saw a famous person and arrested him. No matter what, fuck it. Because A, if he wants to be in an adult theater, he was, you know, that's his prerogative. He comes from a classic, the Bronze Age of America, when everybody was jerking off all the time everywhere on everything. It was the greatest joker. It was our greatest generation. But at the same time, even if he was jerking it, what else are you going to do in there? You can't fucking play, you can't fucking get out the old

iPhone and play cut the rope while someone's on that. Because it was like, turn off your iPhone, you're disturbing everybody else who's trying to beat it. Why are the police divining resources to make this a safe space for people to watch pornography and do nothing? Like, how dare you? I'm watching genitals be exposed on the screen, sir, not in my face. That's way creepier to me that someone will just sit and like appreciate the jugs. Like, I love watching this girl get rammed and I'm going to do nothing about it. It's a bodily function. I would be, it would be tantamount to someone going into the urinal, putting his hands up on the wall and just standing there, just standing there and staring at it and not doing anything. I call the cops on that guy.

I think we should be arrested for not masturbating in an adult theater. Thank you. Yes. Because what are they doing? It's like being at McDonald's. There's a kind of note and talking into a tiny tape recorder. Could you please inject him from the theater? There's a real weirdo in there. Note to self. Vaginas seem to like it when you do this stuff, too, though. Can I seriously, like, all kidding aside? We all have bigger fucking fish to fry than Fred Willard. Can we please let this man live out his days without this embarrassing ass shit on his record?

Another important thing, the thing that I keep coming back to is who the fuck was he hurting? He's a genius and he's done some amazing work. I think we were all just a little disappointed because we expect this kind of behavior from Eugene Levy. But Fred Willard, I don't know, I guess he seems a little bit more wholesome than Eugene Levy in my mind. Somebody tells me this happens to Eugene Levy. My first reaction is, again? Yeah. Is it Thursday already? Because Eugene Levy always masturbates on Thursday, is that what you're saying? Why do you know this? Why do you know this about him? Do you not read his blog? I don't. He's like a Batman villain. He's the most ineffectual

crime spree in the world. Leave Fred Willard alone. This is an advice show. My advice, leave Fred Willard alone. But we've got a lot of other people to advise. Let's hop right in. My wife and I are leaving town for a week and a half and some friends of ours have agreed to come and stay in our house to keep an eye on our puppy and whatnot. Should we have them sleep on our bed or on our guest room futon? Our bedroom is the only room with an air conditioner, but we weren't sure if that would be weird. That's from Troubled in Toronto. You can tell them, you can tell them to sleep wherever you want to. If your bed's the most comfortable room in the house, that's where they're going. Yeah. You'll never know. I mean, I feel like they're afraid of

you checking in. Yeah, they're gonna go wherever it's most comfortable. Yeah, human beings are basically like cockroaches. Exactly. Yeah, they're gonna go where the warmth and the comfort is. Just let them sleep on your bed. The fear here is that they're just gonna get a dawn in your bed. And this is the kind of fear that is destroying Fred Willard right now. People are gonna fuck. It's part of life. You came from fuck. You came from fucking. Just calm down. You are from fuck. You came to fuck. You shall return. Exactly. If you're lucky. I think they're worried about it being weird for the other person too. This is pretty easy. You change the sheets and you say, hey, we put fresh sheets on the bed. They don't have any

of our sex on them. So if you could do the same when you leave, just leave the sheets on a sex file. But that is giving them permission to just like, just do have sex. And then when the act comes to perfect blissful fruition, just jizz everywhere. Just go buck fucking wild. Just really express yourself. Like fucking Jackson Pollock this sheet up. Go for it. And then hang it on the wall for your friends to see you in their return. Signed in the bottom corner. Hey Trouble in Toronto. Why do you have so many homeless friends? Why do you know two homeless people that'll come to your home and just camp out? What's up with these squatters that you're friends with? I've known people before that have like house sat and

it involves spending the night at the house even though they only lived like four miles away from the house. Yeah. Like go, make sure everything's cool, then go home, sleep, come back in the morning. Yeah. Or else you need to get a chain going where somebody has to come house hit for you. Well, exactly. This seems like the Crete Law of Vacancies. This is after watching Doomsday Preppers enough. This is not an issue for me. I'm at any moment ready to just walk around my house flip a switch and just shut it down. Yeah. Completely secure from the outside world. Shut it down. With that plan, do you have like the three things you would grab and get out? No, I have a bug out bag. Should I grab my bug out bag? Do you just keep your cat

in there or what? Is this a real show? Okay. Yes, it is. Okay. You should listen to the hit TV podcast Satellite Dish with Justin and Sydney. We talk about it. But anyway, yeah, it's a real show. People have these. They're ready for the Black Swan event that's going to upset the balance. Is the Black Swan event? They're ready for Black Swan on Blu-ray. Is that the Rogue Planet one? Is that where Rogue Planet comes from? Black Swan is basically any like, oh, fuck, like, slow-mo, bad news bears sweeping across the planet. Yeah, but like if they made a sequel to the remake of Bad News Bears with Bill Downsville. That would be a black, and you know Britain Frazier's the coach. You know he is. I just got a chill. I just got an actual chill.

I can't tell if that was fear or because it was fucking movie magic. Little bit of both. A little bit of both. Green light it was safe. Green light it. This might be the end of the world. It's like when it's like when the super collider first got going, people are like, what's it going to do? Change science forever or obliterate everything. Or make Britain and Frazier have a third comeback. How many chances does that guy get? Can we take one of Britain Frazier's fucking career nine lives and just give one to Fred Wellard? Can we float him a career second chance from old Frazier? Because I think he's had enough.

God, you're right. Brandon Frazier gets more second chances than any. He's on his like six or seven chance. Like the dude makes monkey bone and someone in Hollywood goes, oh, he can do better. Come on. Just think of his other work like Georgia. No, Adam and E. Nope. Journey to. No, mommy ate. No, wait, wait, got some monsters. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, the Serene McKellen. That was really good. Let's get another shot. He's pretty good in the one episode of Scrubs that's ever on TV where he's the brother with leukemia. Yeah. Spoilers. Sorry. Sorry, 2003. I'm doing your episode of Scrubs.

Is our next episode going to open up with us starting the Britain Frazier defense fund? What is Britain Frazier doing now? That's my marinating in Fred Willi's home. I had to go to the point of the theater, but Frazier was in my jerk room. What jerk, man? Three things that go bad after three days. Houseguests, fish, and Britain Frazier's comeback. Oh, no. Oh, man. That's the name of my cover band. No, it's not. Blast from the past. Keep it. No, thanks. Oh, put your monkey bone away, Brenda. I'm going to go to the porn theater. I'm out of Britain Frazier movies. You know what I find funny? Just real quick Britain Frazier thing. Wrap up your mummy. Okay. Here's a, this Yahoo answer was sent in

by Durkinit. Thanks, Durkinit. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Oh, Joy, who asks, if I go away for two weeks, will my horses forget me? Okay. So I've had my horse for over two years, and we built a really strong bond. And next week, I'm going away for a week, coming back for a couple of days, then going away for another week. And in that time, my friend is going to exercise him. Also, I have a four-year-old who I've got a pretty strong bond with who she'll be exercising for the first week. I fucking hope they're talking about a four-year-old horse and not a four-year-old person. I'm worried that they'll forget me and that they'll prefer my friend to me. I just need some insurance, because sometimes I feel

they are the only ones who genuinely like me and I couldn't bear to be chosen over. I'll be seeing the first horse for the couple of days I'm home BTW. Thank you XXX. Everything takes a real sad turn right there at the end. Well, well, or right there at the beginning, or all throughout. It's pervasive, the sadness. Horses can't tell one person from another. Is that, listen, listen. No, no, this is 100% fact. To horses, humans are just lumpy skeletons that bring them carrots. They have no idea where one human ends and another begins. I think they can recognize size, the size and girth of a human. I think they can size them up like that. Oh yeah, definitely. They gotta tell the

difference between a jockey and a big fat fatty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because self-fits. Yeah, exactly. And they gotta be able to tell when somebody bends over to pick something up and they're ready to comically be kicked in the bottom and flung across the room. Or in the head, because horses are awful. I think all animals are out to kill us all the time. That's just my opinion. It's probably not any science behind it, but I think everyone, if you really dig deep into your heart and just like really inception those sweet pet memories, you'll know it's the truth. The more I read these fucking horse y'all who's, the more I think maybe, maybe horses are on some next level shit. You think they're the one

animal where they're like, they're starting to approach some sort of relationship. Well, let me throw this out. Have you ever been nodded at by a horse? Yeah. It's a beautiful moment when you nod back and you're like, yeah, I know. It's a horse. I guess, I mean, there's some, there's gotta be some biology to it, right? Like you're, the horse is the only animal that you have to put your genitals on. That's true. That's, well, the only one you're forced to, yeah. Right. There are so many things, like just think about the connections, like horses have teeth, humans have teeth. That's interesting. What are you hiding? You know, like, how about an uncle Sam? I think you gotta put your, your junk on the horse to interface with it. That's how you control it,

by flexing your junk. Yeah, exactly. The horse will respond to the slightest shift in junk. Didn't you see Avatar? Like, that's how, that's how it works. When you're up on it, there's like, there's fear, there's danger, but there's also trust. You know what I mean? There's kagels and there's trust and fear and danger. All that blends around. All that mixes up. And I, like, it's straight up aqueous. Yeah, right. Chinkle, chinkle. Chinkle, chinkle, guys. I think this is, I think, I think horses might be on some next level shit. They're like the dolphins of the land. They're like land dolphins. They're basically land dolphins. Hey, do you want to go down the land dolphin races and lay some bets? Me neither.

That seems inhumane. Let's just let them run free. Why don't we have dolphin races? Just side note. Yes, dolphin races would be fresh. I'd really rather watch that than horse racing. I think it's because creating on-sea seating is so, is so daunting because everyone who would want to watch dolphins race is fat. So you would, I don't know how you would buoy them. When you call it prime. You would need like mermaid jockeys. See, yeah, if I said dolphin jockey, that kind of sounds like a racist slur maybe. Yeah. Or like something you call a scuba diver if you don't like know what that is. Very good. Maybe someone, some sort of islander. I don't know. Is it, maybe it's like a, maybe it's like a Tongan racial slur. I don't know. I do not know that that, I don't

think it's, it's like somebody who's not from the island. You mean like they put a pineapple on top of their, on top of their beef. You know, like, oh, you don't put the beef on the pineapple. You dolphin jockey. Yeah. Go back to the mainland. Is that your islander impression, Justin? Yeah, you just say everything slow. Go back to the mainland, dolphin jockey. You sound like you've lost the ability to have inflection. Yeah. If the, if like, if the Caribbean had like a deep south and also you were drunk. Take, take your, take your banana republic polo and your ability to modulate your voice tone back to the mainland, dolphin jockey. Now that's becoming like a childhood Heston islander. It's, well, he, he played it in the 60s. It was a crazy time.

They got childhood. It was like Genghis Khan and John Wayne. You know, they, they had, they got a white man to play an ethnic role. It was highly, highly offensive. Do you guys think that the bigger an animal is, the more your human capacity to love it is expanded? To an extent. Yeah. I don't love elephants all that much. See, that's, I don't love, I don't like taking a T-Rex. I mean, like that, that, that scares me. Well, those don't, those don't and never existed. If you, I like, you guys remember, do you guys remember Operation Dumbo Drop? Sure, sure. What was the one with Bill Murray? There was Operation Dumbo Drop. Well, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember how much

he fucking loved that elephant? Sure. Not by, at the beginning, of course, that elephant was a huge hindrance to him and his, his way of life. When he was trying to crash on, crash parties and like sleep on people's couches across the country and just like hang out. Uh-huh. You know, he's coming to Austin, right? Oh, I'm, I'm gonna fucking hunt that down. Dumbo? Yeah. No, no, Bill Murray. No, that elephant's dead as fuck. Elephants have a lifespan of like three years. Yeah, it's, it's weird. They're like lightning bugs. Um, I'm saying maybe that's what's up with horses is that like, I could never love my cat as much as I could love a horse because they're, they're so much bigger that they're, they're, I don't know, they're more of a friend.

But that has limits, right? Like, okay, so you got free willy. I can concede that point. But when you get up to like the blue whale level, I think it becomes harder to sort of. You're saying there's a bell curve for animal size and love. The perfect size at which you can love an animal is a horse. Yeah. As it becomes bigger than a horse or smaller than a horse, you love it less. Does that horse is like the most you can love something? I think so. Yes. Including other people. Yes. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. And also, by the way, before we go any further, uh, a horse is the most you can love something is a bumper sticker trademark of my brother, my brother and me. So for, for you, uh, you, you amateur horse riders,

don't, don't, uh, don't steal that from us. Also, we've taken, uh, my other car is a horse. I'd rather be horsing and, uh, my horse is smarter than your honor roll student. Uh, we also have the rights to Jess horsing around. That's J E S apostrophe and J U S apostrophe. Just horsing around. We do not own the rights to J U S T horsing around. That is of course owned by horses. Those damn entrepreneurial horses. Horses. Um, I don't travel all that often, but I found it odd that the last hotel I stayed in, there was a spot on the bill for tipping the maids who cleaned the room. Is this a thing? Do people do this? I've never left a tip at a hotel in my life. Am I good?

That's from confused, confused cheapskate in California. You're probably not good. No, you're not good. You probably tipped wrong. No matter how much you put down, you either put too much or not enough or you didn't do it at all, or you weren't supposed to do it and you look stupid. That's how I feel. Tip every time. The last time I went and got like an expensive haircut because dammit, I'm worth it. I, there was a line for like tipping and I had this moment where I looked. Oh, you definitely, definitely, you definitely tip a haircut. Yeah, but I didn't know how much was appropriate. 20% is a very nice place. Tipping is a trap. Tipping is a trap to make you feel stupid. We've talked, we've talked about

tipping a lot, so I don't want to, I don't want to belabor this question too much, but if you're just, if you're going to do anything ever, google it and find out if you're supposed to tip or not. Yeah, I would just leave, leave some expensive jewelry out on the counter in your room so the maids know that that's their tip and they can just take it when they clean. Hey, let's just gay boy here. He must want me to take it. I, I, I actually had a situation that came in handy real last weekend. I was in Dayton with some friends and we did bad things to a hotel room. We kind of messed it up and I kind of spilled some wine on the sheets and it got a little hairy in there and so I handed the maid a generous tip as she went into the room.

So you fucking paid her off to forget you were there to keep a secret. Now let me revise that story with the truth. Sydney gave the maid a generous tip and I know bullshit, saw the maid was coming down the hallway and turned around and hid in the elevator because I was so embarrassed with the room's condition. Now can I ask what you, you're not the fucking, she was going down, then the maid went in the room, she saw the room, she made some snide comments that I heard from down the hall and then the maid went to go get a pillow and bring it back to the room and I, unwilling to hide in the hallway anymore, went into our room and hid under the table, hoping that she would not see me and connect me with those other people that messed up that

hotel room so bad. He is actually recording from under said table right now. I am still under the table. You are not the fucking wild stallion type. I have to know what you did to this room. There was just so many bottles. I'm boring but like, I know cool people. So like there was a lot of drinking, a lot of carousing. Like I said, I spilled. You can't just say carousing. What is that? I bought a bottle of something called raised the glass to the Bacchanalian gods. Yeah, like I bought a, this is the kind of night it was. I bought, before we went, I bought a bottle of something called adult chocolate milk. Like, oh wow. That was literally what it was called and we drank that and we played some music and dance. You know, like young people do. Like this is what young people

do. You fell asleep by 11.15. It was four but yes, basically. I tried to fall asleep and I ever, the blow would keep me awake. There was no blow. I wish, I don't know how to point it by that. I just assumed you meant people punching you in the face. No. But yeah, like I paid her off. So if you feel bad about what you did in your hotel room, tips are really good because it's like, hey, sorry. I think the same thing applies if you house it for a friend and you bone in their bed, hand them a 20 on your way out the door. Like dry cleaning. I don't know that this is dependent on how much your room costs, but I kind of feel like, I don't know, like a $5 tip per night is like, is good. That seems fair to me, right? I mean, I don't, I don't know actually how you

figure it out. I don't know what the recommended is. I am going into the fucking lion's mouth of this issue next month because my girlfriend and I are staying at a fancy all-inclusive resort in Playa del Carmen. So it's all inclusive. Everything's paid for. So I'm not going to have that 20% rule to guide me on tips because you've got to still tip people. You know what I mean? You just need like a pocket full of bills and then stop handing them to them and take their hand away. Except I'm going to be in the like chilling in the pool all the time and on the beach. So I can't have like a pocket full of bills. I got to have like a waterproof fanny pack and that's not a good luck. Right. You know, if you find yourself having questions about this, I recommend the

how stuff works episode, stuff you should know, how tipping works. Boom. Yeah. Help. Consider yourself helped. I mean, I know how it fucking works. I take money out of my pocket. That's more additional. He wasn't talking to you, darling. Yeah, Griffin. And I'm also not talking about the process of removing bills from a wallet. That's what I'm saying. You take the money out and you give it to the man, even though you already gave him money before. It's so fucking. You have the monies and then you give away monies and then you don't have the monies no more. It's not my fault that they take like a joke. Right. You should demand better wages. I will help you unionize, but this five ski is mine. Well, what kills me, we've talked about tipping enough, but

what kills me is coffee shops where I have no idea how much they're actually getting paid and I think I'm always getting ripped off. I think it's a worldwide dupe. I think everyone who works at, I can't even go on with this bit. I have friends who work in restaurants that are going to burn my fucking house down. Hey, I just checked. It's one to two dollars for a bad hotel, three to five dollars for a good one. But don't wait until the last night because different people will clean your room. So leave a couple of bucks or a few bucks out and leave it somewhere prominent so they'll be sure to know it's not just stealing. Like, tape it right next to the wine stains you left all over the bed and wherever you spilled your

adult chocolate milk. Put a dollar by every adult chocolate milk stain. Like you're fucking cataloging a crime scene. Speaking of money, money's on. Okay. So we went like a single on tundra. It was like a half on tundra. Friends, every Friday at 10 p.m. on the IFC, you are going to tune in for Comedy Bang Bang. It's this absurd half hour comedy show. It only looks like a talk show. It's got Scott Ockerman. I know you're wondering, is the Ock there? He is. Reggie Watts. You betcha. They got great guests like Amy Poehler, Zach Galifineckis and Seth Rogen. This Friday they got Elizabeth Banks and one of the special guests this week is Pauly Shore. So maybe they can find out what the phrase is up to

from Pauly. It's comedy so nice they banged it twice this Friday and every Friday at 10 p.m. on IFC Comedy Bang Bang. I want to talk about Squarespace. It's a website where you can create your own website or blog in minutes. It's now super easy to use. They've got all new beautiful templates. They've got a really responsive design. Your website will scale to display on any device. What about WebSkype? iOS, browser, Game Boy, Advanced SP. They've got an award-winning support team Go to Squarespace.com. Our listeners get 10% off by using the offer code MyBrother7. That's MySpaceBrotherSpace and then the number 7. Go check it out. Building websites is difficult but Squarespace can lead you through the desert to the sweet oasis of website success.

That was beautiful Griffin. That was a beautiful analogy. I was about to goof on that but it's it's evocative. I can see it in my mind's eye. That's me. I paint pictures with my words that hang in the air. I can taste it there. I can taste the pictures that you said with words. I'm on salvia. It should be noted. We should do an all salvia episode. It would last four minutes and it would be fucking bananas. Just be full of screaming. Don't suggest that to people because then that'll be all we hear about. We'll do our salvia app and our D&D app on the same day. It'll be great. Special bonus subscribers only. Kickstart that. Kickstart our Dungeons and Dragons salvia app. Everybody, guys, everybody, someday we will look back on this time in American history

and think, God, I wish I kickstarted something. Man, I wish I got on that gravy train. I keep thinking what we should do is kickstart a UK tour for my brother and my brother and me and it's like who would pay for that? Well, people who come to it. Okay, but I think that at this point in history people will pay for anything. They just like the idea of us doing it so they'll pay for it. I think a UK tour would even demand too much work from our end. I think that we could shoot a lot lower and have our ROI really synergize our ROI. I completely understood that. Yeah, portfolios. How would you synergize the return on investment for this? Oh, you know, gross national product. What you have to do is you have to minimize your loss

risk while increasing your stocks. Would you diversify that, Griffin? No, no, no. That buzzword was only applicable in the 90s. You got to synergize it. Don't diversify. You want one big good thing. Do you emulsify it? You emulsify it in a tray of butter. For about 25 to 30 minutes. Don't ever emulsify. I cannot wait until my equity matures. I can't wait until we mature. Hey, razor choices, electric or manual. From Gmail. I love it. Short sweet to the point. I am a big believer in the wet shave with a safety razor. That's what our pod father, Jesse Thorne, suggested on the grooming episode of Put This On. It's a method that I have come to really, really enjoy. Is a safety razor like

safety scissors? No, it's like a safety pop. It's one of those lollipops with the hoop on it. It's a funny name, actually, because it's safety compared to a straight razor, but compared to all other razors, it's wicked dangerous. It is safe compared to shaving with a fucking claymore, to shaving with a broadsword. I've never experienced any bad cuts. It turns shaving into a bit more ritual. You got to get a brush and you got to lather up and you've got to make it all nice and smooth on your face. You usually do a couple of passes, but it's worth it. It's easier on my skin. Now, see, as a bearded gentleman, I go with the electric because it's better for trimming.

Sure. And also, I have a very sensitive neck, and the manual just gives me the razor burn. The electric, no problem. The electric eats your face. Your neck is looking a little fat lately. How dare you? Just saying. I've been doing neck kegels. Okay. My neck is as tight as an 18-year-old's. Oh, god. Do you know what I do? What? I do electric on the weekdays and I go straight razor on the weekends. I like that. It keeps it from being too much of a chore, too much of a routine. The problem, I used to be all straight razor because Justin got me that for my birthday,

I think. And I really like it, but the problem is that it takes a while. It takes like three times as long. It's just like dragging a mock three across your stupid face. Wait, just so I'm clear, when you say electric, do you mean like a vibrating mock three? I mean a vibrator. I just rub like a vibrator that I got from extreme restraints across my face until the hair. You're not talking about those crazy like spinning circular blades, right? Like we can all agree that's crazy. No, that's- I've got like a beard trimmer set. Yeah, don't put a- I shouldn't have to say this. You shouldn't put some sort of alien thresher on your fucking- on your grill, you dumbo. Don't put that there ever. Shave it.

What the fuck do those vibrating razors accomplish, by the way? Their- Your skin goes like, oh, that's nice. I'm going to stick the hair out farther. Yeah, it arouses- it arouses the hairs. Yeah, it gives your hair a boner. Yeah. I was just waiting for like everybody in the world to like simultaneously realize that that was bullshit. No, Doug, I swear to God, it's all I can use. I swear to God, you can't go back on that. It gets you- it gets your shit so smooth. What are you talking about, girl? That vibrating Mach 4 or 5? Oh, that is so good. I mean, when I was using, back in the day, when I was still using, you know, those kind of multi-edge razors, the-

the vibrating Mach 3 is a- is a fine choice. It's a treat. It's a real treat. Well, I like the beard trimmer because the electric, I can set it at a line and just do such a clean line all the way across. Yeah. And use it at the same time to keep my beard manageable and not looking like a wizard. I'm not gonna- first off, you should really chase that- that look. I'm not gonna hate- I do it my way because it's fast on the weekdays when it's working time. And then on the weekends, I can luxuriate in a nice- I'll take a nice long, hot shower and then luxuriate in like a- with like a 15 minute wet shave and just really- it's like a- it's like a sharp massage. It's real good. The only- the only other problem with wet

shaving is when you're traveling. Yeah, there's a lot of accoutrements. Well, the accoutrement is not as much the problem as the fact that you can't bring razors. If you're doing carry-on, you can't bring a safety razor with you. It's never- Really? There's no context in which they are cool with it. I've gotten it through once or twice just like leaving it in the razor, but they are very- because it is like a- I mean, it is a- It's very dangerous. Yeah. It's a short knife. I mean- I- I really want to bring back like the like Sweeney Todd style straight razor. You know, can- is that- can I do that? You definitely can't. I'm sure there's a picture- Yeah. Picture doing it somewhere. No, I want to do it unironically. Too late.

Everything is ironic. It's 2012. Fuck. Um- Griffin, hit me. Here's a yahoo. This yahoo was sent in by Brett Townsend. Thank you, Brett. It's by Yahoo Institution's user Tori Bailey who asks, How can I ask my gynecologist out? Actually, he is not my gyno. My doctor transferred me there because of my enlarged ovary. We are trying to find out what is wrong with my bladder and he keeps sending me back. I had a pelvic exam once and I kind of liked it. But before that, we was talking and laughing. I noticed we both looked back at each other when it was over. He was kind of checking me out. I was scared to look back because I didn't want him to think I liked him then. I attracted to him a lot and he's so cute. I just went today and he wanted to do an exam again, but my little

sister was with me so he rescheduled it. IDK. Yeah, he was checking you out. Literally. When he did the exam, I was nervous because I was laughing when he was inside me. It kind of tickled. Is this 50 shades of gray? This is what 50 shades of gray is about. I can't go on with this question. I can't either. How do you- I'm sorry, Lees, but how do you maintain the mystique in a dating relationship when the guy has already gotten to eighth base? Not only that, but in the most clinically detached way. He has cartographed your vagina to an extent that he is bored with it forever. He literally knows you better than you know yourself. He has drawn a depth map of every molecule of your bathing suit area. He has carved his initials into your cervix. That's probably- He could find

your uterus with his eyes closed and well. I don't think- What is the practical- God, where's that uterus? Oh no, the power's out. Yeah. It's the black swan. I need a place to hide. Let me get up in that enlarged uterus. Oh man. Yeah, I could see this. I could see this being an issue. Yeah, you think it could be an issue. That's like me saying I'd like to ask out the poor young doctor who had to give me, you know, stick his finger up my butt. Like- Oh man, that poor guy. Hey, but see if the rules- I feel like if the rules were reversed- No, we have to get prostate exams anymore. Sydney just told me that's the new thing. That's not true. No more prostate exams. It's fine. You don't need to get them.

Now it's a lot more anecdotal. It's like, so how's your prostate? And you say it's good. It's good. It seems good. It feels fine. I don't actually know if that was true. I was sort of half listening. It can't be true. Go get your prostate checked right now, even if you're 15. I think if the rules were reversed- Make sure it's a doctor. This is a female doctor, a female penis doctor. I feel like there wasn't any mystery there to begin with. Everyone knows how that works. Evagina is like inside you and it's like a maze. It's like a hedge maze with a minotaur in the middle of it. And the minotaur is pleasure. You took a hard left there at the end, government. Fred Willard is listening to this podcast right now, just jerking off his winger.

Hopefully for the privacy of his own Starbucks on the corner. I don't think there's any way you can have that conversation with somebody. I do not think- I think when you have a person inside you, you can't- clinically. When a person is in you clinically, there's no way to flirt. Wait, no. How about this? Hey, time out. Why don't we finish this over drinks later? Yeah. Yeah. If a person is in you clinically, the bigger concern is that you'll flirt. That's the big. Hey, why don't you do this? Why don't you look at him and say, you've seen the trailer, are you ready for the future presentation?

And if he's not done with that, he was never meant to be because he's not a cool dude. God. You're going to just keep coming to the open house or are you going to make an offer? You're going to keep trying to sample nuggets. You can get Nate back. You sicko. Oh, God. You're going to keep taking these sampler platters to springtime Oreos? You're just going to go buy a package. That happened to me last week. It was awesome. Oh, God. I don't think you can- I don't think you can tell if a person likes you or not when they're- when they're upends. Ah, yeah. There's no signal. There's- they can't send you signals or maybe they can. Maybe guy knows like- I've never- Oh, no. Oh, don't, don't. No, no, no.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying there's got to be a fucking smooth ass gynecologist out there. There has to be Jude Law PhD and he's up in you and he gives you a look and you're like, holy shit. Like, I think this dude- Is it on? I think it might be on. This is happening. This is happening for real this time. Well, Miss Smith, it seems everything checks out and on a personal note, nice. Nice stuff in there. Nicely done. Really good stuff. All of it. You, uh, you cannot lose with the stuff you use. I really enjoyed that. Personally, speaking- clinically speaking, I love your stuff. Listen, from a professional standpoint, need Hyman. Was that the first time you said Hyman on the show? Yeah, confetti shot out of my mind.

This should be- I've got a banner hanging up. They just- The banner just says, you've said all the words. All the words that you should not say, you've said all of them. You said all the words. I've got a little checklist here. Let's see, uh, Mons Pubis, yep, checkerino. Yeah, uh, Smegma. Smegma. No, yeah, episode 17, Smegma. And then, Gryffindor, you said Giz earlier. Yeah, I did. Check that. Labia, labi-yup. Hey, my friend is trying to get me to go to a hip-hop dance class. I can't dance. I don't know anything about hip-hop. How do I lame out of the situation? Or should I put on my Nikes and just do it? P.S. I don't have Nikes. That's from Mindy in Columbus,

Ohio. Step one, get some Nikes. Yeah, get some Nikes. Hey, let me throw this out, guys. It's 20 does. If someone asks you to go to a hip-hop dance class, if someone asks me, I would probably do it once. You do it once. Don't ever do it again if you don't dig it. But like, how will you know if you don't like hip-hop dance classes? It sounds like- Also, if your friend is persistent, going once gives you an out later to be like, no, I went and tried that and it was bad and I don't want to do it again. If you don't go, they're just going to keep asking. When you- you say no, three months from now, you guys are at the club, your friend starts fucking crumping so hard. Losing it. Yeah. So hard that like- Dance battle the rub. People are physically- You've got to

pop and lock for your territory. People are being pushed back by the crump waves that are coming off of your friend because they're just pounding it so fucking hard. They're crumping and you're cramping their style. Just by being there. Just do it. You might like it. Now, I do have to say I'm being very- I'm being very positive about this. If I'm at a hip-hop dance class the first time the teacher's like, Justin, can you pop that and or lock it a little harder? I'm like, I'm out skis. Justin, you're bruising that move. I need you to bust it. I need to- I need to stop you both right here because I don't think either of you have watched a hip-hop music video in the past 15 fucking years because I do not think popping and locking it is still a thing

that is commonplace. I do not think in a new Chris Brown video people are moving like robots. Are people still busting a move? That is- no, no. Young MC took that one to the fucking grave, dog. Now, put some cardboard on the floor and spin around real fast. Oh, yeah, did you do that headspin thing or like the guys- pardon me. Did I do it like a tornado? Teacher, would you like to see my Tootsie Roll? No, no, I wouldn't because it's fucking 2012. It is not 1999 anymore. I don't need you to teach me how to Dougie, but I would appreciate some notes on how to improve it. Ah, Charlie Brown. Nope, it's not. It's super not. When do we start working on the electric slide? We never did. Never will. We never did that. Can't. It was never a thing. Can- excuse

me, teach. Can you teach me how to do that move of the guy in the fishing hat does where he shakes his head really fast and it looks like he's vibrating? I think it's in break in two. Teach, teach. When do we start the partner work with the brooms? What are you talking about? Are you- Are you eating frantasia? Well, no, but now, yes. Uh, teach. Pardon me. When do we- when do we get the lesson about dancing on the ceiling? That's going to go on all night. Teach. When do we start the Jamiroquois work? Uh, now, Friday, we have a Jamiroquois workshop. Uh, we do have the room where the floor is a giant treadmill, so everyone, we're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah. Don't bring- don't bring your bags in, please. Do not bring your bags, but do bring in your gigantic hats,

like Mr. Jamiroquois would wear. Did you guys know that the lead singer of Jamiroquois was just named Jamiroquois and it was just him? Now, is that true? No. Why did you- He was actually the last of the Jamiroquois Indians. Exactly. What? Oh, Christ. My older sister recently watched kick-ass and decided she wants to be a real-life superhero. I don't want to discourage her, just the opposite. I want to help her get it, and 20 does. And if that involves helping her dress up in a costume and fight crime, then so be it. What can I do to help her get ready for her career as a crime fighter? Also, she hasn't come up with a name or theme for a persona, so any- I'm sorry, I said persona really bad. Let me try again. Persona. So any and all suggestions will be welcome.

Aiming to be my sister's Alfred is the name of that question, ask her. First of all, I'm 100% behind this. No. What? Okay. See, we got conflicting opinions. This makes for good radio. It depends on how active your sister wants to be in the crime fighting process. If she wants to be, you know, a watcher, a lookout for crimes, and then contact the authorities, fucking open a newspaper and find any time where somebody being a vigilante ever turned out to be a good thing. No, but I think there's things like, you know, walking with people so that they're not walking by themselves late at night and jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Okay, but how long- that's gonna keep your sister satisfied for maybe three days,

and then she's gonna go fucking full-blown George Zimmerman. Like, that's how this arc terminates. That's the fear. That's not the fear. That's the fucking 100% definite reality, unavoidable consequence. Okay, first, let us say, don't do this. Secondly, when you do, first thing you gotta get is a taser. That's like a superpower, basically. Yeah, and then you taste somebody because you think they're committing a crime. Oops, they have a heart murmur. Dead. They weren't committing a crime. They were buying a fucking gumball from a gotcha-gotcha machine. You stupid. So, I think electric glass is a bad idea. Okay. You know who's a good, you know who's a good crime fighter? Yell for the cops, girl. Hey! I think this guy's committing

a crime. 911. The cops show up and he's buying a fucking gumball. At least you didn't kill him. Not like electric glass who we have in the back of the police car. Here's the good news. We are a society that now spends 17 hours per day on average watching reality television and eating Thai food. That is basically the only two things that any of us do. We've grown thick and slovenly from our disuse of our physical forms. If you take a spinning class two times a week, you're basically a superhero. If you bother to be even a little bit physically fit, you are moved to the level of that super heroine. I've had a brainstorm. Okay. Okay. What if you were a non-crime fighting superhero? You were just a lazy superhero? No, no, no. No, no, no. You were

a much more like activist superhero. You were like recycle girl or captain vegetable. No, then your captain fuck clean off. Then you might as well be like, Sergeant, don't tell me how to live my life because that's, I don't want your guidance. You're in a leotard. I like Justin's idea of you can be a superhero just by being a little bit better than everyone else. If you've had a Twitter account for over a year and haven't said something shitty on it, congrats Superman. Way to go. Nice willpower there, Hal Jordan. Do you never let the people who try to get around traffic jams by scooting up on the berm? If you never let those people in, you're a superhero. Oh, if you do that half over the line thing so people can't get around, everyone behind you is like superhero. Yeah,

that guy's a superhero because he's not lighting any guff. Oh, if you figured out a way to politely honk at someone who doesn't realize the light has turned green, but you don't sound like a dick, you're a superhero. No, wait, that would be like an inventor type superhero who invents a horn that's just like, excuse me. Pardon? No, no, no. It's more that you found the exact right length of time to depress the horn. So they're confused? Like, was that a honk? Oh, the light changed. Oh, hey, who am I? Is this the honkster hotline? I need you to come by and honk at somebody. He's been at this green light through 17 lights. It's been three hours. Oh, he's waiting to be dead. Hold on. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's dead. He's got damn an electric class.

This car is stolen. Bazzap. Oh, wait. Ah, fuck. I'm willing to bet that in real life, there's not a lot of banter. Yeah, there's not like, stop right. I don't want to stop. I'm a criminal. There's the banter. I want, I want to keep robbing. Damn it. I want to keep robbing people because I'm a robber. This is what I like doing. I like, I like to rob people and steal their things and have them for myself without working for them. Whenever I see somebody doing anything wrong, not even like a crime, but like, I don't know, they roll past the stop sign too fast. My immediate reaction is not like, what's wrong, buddy? Can't read. It's always like, oh, fuck, fuck. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, I've got a great persona. Okay. Boomerang

lasts because when you see something happening, you go away and come back later when they're gone. Yeah. That's, hey, what's up? I'm bad Samaritan. You could just hang around the grocery store and like help people. Mm-hmm. I'll tell you the superhero I need. I need cooking suggestions, superhero. I'm like, looking at three different kinds of pasta. Just tell me what fucking pesto to get so I can get out of here. I don't know anything about pesto sauce. Help me. That's a superhero I can get behind. Sure. What about a superhero that always helped me find a convenient parking space? I don't exactly know how that would work, but let's workshop over here in Austin on some of the

busier streets. Homeless people will help you. They'll just like stand on the side of the, like they'll stand on a corner and just like point you to where an open parking space is. Really? Yeah. That's awesome. And I always, and then they come up to you and they're like, hey, man, you're like, hey, you know, get, you need to give them some money because they basically just valade for you. And then you, and then you say, you actually, I want to give you something better than that. I think you're a superhero. Bye. Put a K ball. Yeah. I'm super hungry. Yeah. Bye. Bye. I think you're a hero in my book. Flatchy man. I think you're a hero. Captain L fitting charity t-shirt. You're my number one hero.

When I, uh, when I worked at GameStop, once I got robbed at gunpoint and before they robbed me, they asked if we had any PlayStation threes in stock because it was right when the PlayStation three came out and I lied because they had their hoodies pulled up over their faces and their hands in their pockets. So I knew that robbing was about to happen and I lied and I said, no, we don't have any ps threes and we had a bunch and then they robbed us and took our money, but not our PlayStation threes. I guess my question is, am I a superhero? Well, you're super dumb. That is really dumb, but I think maybe really proud of you. But at the end of the day, they didn't get entertainment. Do you know how long before you were fired from that job? I wasn't fired. I

quit at my own volition. I was awarded the Medal of Honor from Huntington's mayor. The GameStop Medal of Honor. He's like, yo, this is actually just a copy of Medal of Honor. The mayor was like, those guys were trying to, those guys were trying to play, you know, heavenly sword. Those guys were trying to call, get their call of duty on and you stopped them from doing that. And we appreciate that minor inconvenience that you almost traded your life for. Please take this copy of Medal of Honor. When they pulled it, when they, did you actually see the gun? Yeah, dog. They pulled up the fuck. I've got a gun. Trust me. Shh. Guess what's in here. You don't want to know, but it's a gun. When they pulled

out the gun, what was your response? Like what was my immediate response? Your first impulse. It was very, I mean, the first impulse was, can I kick over this counter? How high can my kicks get? How high in lethal would this kick be if I delivered it? And that impulse lasted for maybe a thousandth of a second, which I think is pretty brave. And then it was, oh God, why did I lie about those PlayStation 3s? I hope they don't go in the back. Help me Sonic the Hedgehog. Leave in the action, Mario. Cut out. Yeah. This has been our comedy podcast. My brother, my brother and me, where we take your questions

and turn them actively like into wisdom. Thank you to people tweeting about the show with the mb, mb, a, m hashtag, amoeba, Dave, your fave, DeFuria, gunboater, Gamebeast, 23456, Sonic Orb Studios, Terrence Fox, Frosty Plum, Red Elephant, Why You Know Good, James Letter, Fabled Few, I'm AI, damn it. Of course, our friend, Brent Del Floss, SB Pants, Coymore, everybody, me can tweet. Thank you so much for tweeting about the show. If you want to share our program with somebody, why not tweet a link to our sampler? It's a great way to get other people on board with the program. Best way, how we have a growing. Also, if you haven't seen it yet, they announced the MaxFunCon East lineup,

and it's pretty amazing. And it includes a lot of great names like John Hodgman and Dick Cavett and the stop podcasting yourselves, guys. But more than that, Michael Yanplac is going to be there. How mad are you? So mad. So if you haven't got tickets, I think there are still some available. So go get them now, maxfuncon.com, and you can get all the information there. I want to thank John Rodgerick, Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Thank you, John Rodgerick. You can pay him back by giving a listen to Rodgerick on the line. It's his podcast that he does with Merlin Man from You Look Nice Today. It's fantastic. If you would like to send us a question about something going on in your

life, you need a device, or you'd like to send us a link to a Yahoo Answers question that strikes you as funny, email to mbmbam at maximumfun.org. Also, listener Ryan Mount emailed us to point out we talked last week about a roller derby name of Hannah Barbaric, and I was corrected in that there already is a Hannah Barbaric right here working with the Cincinnati Roller Girls. So I want to give a shout out to my girls at the Cincinnati Roller Girls. Now, when you say your girls, you mean women that you've never, ever, ever, ever met before? I've actually met a couple of them. One of them worked at our theater for a while. Okay. And I want to give out to the Chemical Valley Roller Girls. What up?

That's my team. I bet the Cincinnati Roller Girls could kick your Roller Girls asses. Well, maybe they'll have a bow and whip it, figure it out. A throw down showdown? Throw down showdown. This final Yahoo answer was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista. It's by Yahoo Answers user AskMan who asks, In Home Alone, why did the cameraman just film everything and not call the cops? It's really air on the lips.