My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 116: Ritter Rider

Episode Date: August 21, 2012

Griffin has returned from beautiful Germany and his once luminescent innocence has been replaced by a gnarled core of schnitzel. This week, watch as older brothers Justin and Travis attempt to delve into his psyche and wrest the last spark of humanity buried beneath the thick chitin of jet lag that surrounds his heart. Also: Fart jokes. Suggested talking points: Sticky 'Bo, The Familiar Stranger, Sap Caps, Fur Kids, The Wiffenpoofs, Ritter Rider, Zynga's Latest Hit, "we were very clinical about it."

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brother, my brother, me. We're welcoming back international advice correspondent Griffin McElroy from the Guten Morgen from the shining the sandy shores of Germany. My name is Griffin. Wow. They don't say my over there, they say mine. It's like the most confusing thing about their language and culture,

some of them everything. Now Griffin, did you enjoy any international cuisine? I ate literally the same kind of schnitzel two days in a row. That's sort of my sneeze when it comes to international travel. Keep in mind this is the first time that I've done it, so I was really sort of setting the boundaries for myself, but I ate a schnitzel with mushroom sauce and french fries on it, and then I second night, like night right after that, I was like, yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and have that same thing. Now Griffin, you didn't drink the water over there, did you? They don't have the water, actually. They don't have any water. It's all distilled locker. It's like Dubai over there, it's pretty crazy. Now Griffin,

many people on this podcast think that schnitzel is like a crepe or burrito, because they're an idiot if you think that. If you think it's a sausage, I know it's like a breaded, like a pork chop. I literally had to tell Travis what it was right before we started this call. Now damn it, Griffin, you weren't supposed to tell him. I don't know. I still don't know. You haven't cleared it up for me at all. It's like a pork chop. It's like a fried, it's like a fried, it's like a, you know how, you remember when you were a kid and you got funnel cake, those, no, no, no, you got those. It's like funnel cake. You got those lollipops that were, you got those lollipops that were also whistles. Yeah.

Yeah. It's nothing, it's nothing like that. Nothing like that. Okay. You guys remember nickel made? Yeah. It's not like that either. So let's just process of elimination, talk about what schnitzel is and is not. Okay. In fact, if you could just go through everything that schnitzel is not. Okay. Let's see. Welcome. Taco Bell, anything on the Taco Bell menu, pizza, hamburgers. Now these are just food items. You really need to branch out to other things schnitzel isn't. Oh, you're right. Frisbees, lamp posts, adoption papers. Are there any, is anything at McDonald's similar to schnitzel? Let me think. Chicken nuggets. I think if you took out the chicken, although there is chicken schnitzel and then you flatten that shit down and then you made a Germaner.

Yeah. Do the McDonald's in Germany, do they have schnitzel? They do only in Dusseldorf. Something something royal with cheese. I had the pleasure of enjoying that when I was in Dusseldorf, which did you guys know Dusseldorf is German for out of here, Jews? Hold on. Now one second. That's not accurate, is it? It is. I did not. Do is the German root for Jew and then uh, Dusseldorf is come on. Get on out. Scoot. Hey, why don't you scoot? So that's the actual official translation. I learned a lot about, by the way, Germans, I'm sorry about that thing I said. Your country is beautiful and your people are very efficient. Can I ask you a serious not joking question now? Yes. How many dudes did you

see wearing Liederhosen? Yeah, there had to be pleas to like, there was at least one dude. Here's the thing. I went there for a game convention, so I did see a bunch of utila kilts, which is like the modern day Hosen, I feel like. This is our advice podcast and international bridge building audio seminar. I think it's right. It's a sort of a cultural cultural buffet, I would say. I'm off to Mexico next, tomorrow, leaving for that. Make sure to drink all the water down there. Right, right. You're supposed to just gulp it in big, heady gulps and because then it just inoculates you so fast is what I've heard. I read it on TripAdvisor. It inaugurates you. They said just dip your head under the water and just breathe

it deep for a few for a few minutes. Now Travis, I do notice Travis that you just said it inaugurates you. You become the president of Mexico when you drink the water. Okay. It changes hands quite often. Also, I read on Yahoo Answers funnily enough that it makes you poop to death. So that is another consideration. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Absent presidents. It's going to be a fun week, great vacation. You lose 20 pounds in poop weight. I recently defended my dissertation and as such can be called doctor. While I've been looking forward to this, I now find it a bit awkward. When is it appropriate to introduce myself with or purposefully use my freshly minted title and that's from newly doctoral in New Orleans? Always. Never. Sometimes. Okay. Well, I wonder,

like, is there, I imagine if I had like a PhD doctorate versus like an MD doctorate, it's probably really embarrassing when they're like, I'm a doctor and like, Oh, what's your specialty? And you're like, history. Yeah. Well, I don't think that's embarrassed. I don't think that being so goddamn smart that you could go to the hardest school type. What if some, what if some dude has a heart attack over in the corner and they're like, is there a doctor in the house? You're like, I'm a doctor and they're like, save him. But you wouldn't, but I'll write a real epic essay about him afterwards. First off, backup. Why the fuck if you had a doctor in history, would you be like, Oh yeah, I got, Oh, you mean like a, like a doctor, somebody was like, I need somebody to

volunteer their immense knowledge of history. I'm just saying that they weren't specific. Nobody clarified. Nobody said, is there a medical doctor in the house? Sure. Sure. Well, at least if you're a doctor of history, after the person dies, you can tell everybody how it went down. Like, but it was a beautiful eulogy. Mark was a, Mark was a good man. He was a truck driver. Do you want to know about trucks? This, this is history. The truck was invented by Sterling. I'm a doctor of truckology. It was invented by Sterling truckster. Chucks, trucks are big cars. A misconception helped by many. A car is like a horse with wheels that a man put together. Can I be a doctor of patronizing?

Can I be a doctor of condescending paternalism? I think, okay, my wife is a doctor. And when I sign us into guest books, I sign it as doctors, Justin and Sidney McRae because that's, that doesn't work. Now see, I'm just rounding up. The majority of us are doctors in our family. Now, now you know that it's not like you don't share like that, like a bank account. Like when you get married, you don't confer a title upon the other. And let me ask you, let me ask you this. When you, when you have a baby and you take, you take the child to the wedding, is the child temporarily a doctor for all intents and purposes of the wedding? Oh Griffin, we wouldn't take the child to the wedding.

I mean, what if there's a ball pit? How long does this go? You, you have two cats now. Are they doctors as well? Uh, they're cats. So they, they work in farms. I always forget. I forget because cats are like just a perfect little ball of sunshine that they bring like the only happiness into my life that there is. Uh-huh, right. So I forget, I forget they're people, I guess is what I mean. Oh yeah. I mean, cats are basically people that crawl around like the girl in the ring. But other than that. Don't, don't ever, I can't think of a single- Sorry, not the ring. There's also a crawling girl.

Is there a way to like correct? So just don't, when someone's like, ah, Mr. McRoy, like to say it's Dr. McRoy. Nice to meet you. The only time that that ever happened to me was in college, which was always a crapshoot, because you don't know if your professor is a doctor or not, unless you're paying very close attention, which you probably aren't because you're in college. You're too busy trying to, you know, chase skirts. Anyway, um, the, yeah, so you'd be like, hello, Professor Morgan, and it's a doctor, and then they'll correct it. I think that's the only, I think that's the only circumstance where it's appropriate.

Otherwise, just fucking let it fly or else things are going to get weird. Yeah, just like drop doctor on them. Just say it. No, just don't, just leave the doctor out of it. Just say, my name is doctor. I'm the doctor. Do you think Superman walked around like, hello? So he's got some superpowers over here. So don't worry about those. What do you mean, something lifted later? Because I can, here's what you do. You go to him and say, hi, just, just simple, just, hi, my name's Dan.

And they say, oh, that, then they assume that must be your name. And then you say, actually it's Michael. I'm a doctor of mind freak. Okay. You know, of mind freak them. So just use the different for its name. Now doctor of mind freak, is that, is that a four year program? What can you tell me about getting your doctor, because I've been thinking about going back to school lately. I'm just having a hard time nailing down a concentrate. It's actually pretty, if you go to Rite Aid or any other drug store and you see one of those

like 120 magic tricks in a box, if you buy it and can master all of the tricks, then Chris Angel comes to your house with Harry Blackwell Blackstone. Fuck. I don't know. One of them street musicians, magicians. Oh my God. Keep it going. I need a doctor of strokes. Because we're having a stroke. I need a doctor of that. It's like jazz, but jazz is being made by like a middle school jazz band. Right. It's like jazz that you squeeze fruits to get. Ah, that's juice. Man. I am just having a rough, rough day. It's like when you touch your, it's like when you touch your wormy and jazz comes out. No, wait. Ah, fuck.

That's sin. You're thinking of, you think you're sin. Do you guys want a yahoo? Please. This is Jermaine. It was sent in by Teha or perhaps Teja or Tejai. Thank you. It's by yahoo answers user Sammy who asks, is it safe to use maple syrup as lube on my condom? Well, I bought a bunch of condoms and it seems they aren't lubed at all. And really the only thing I can find around the house that can make a good lube is this syrup. Are there any harmful effects to this? Well, there's bears. There is bears. You do run the chance that it will harden and then in a million years, someone will be trying to make a sort of. John Hammond will make. John Hammond will make a park retreat for dumbasses. Come see who the

fucking dumbest people. They're like dumb, dumb ass cavemen that got their wieners preserved in in sweet, sweet amber. Let's, let's address the fact that when you, whenever you eat waffles or pancakes or anything syruped and you get that syrup you smell like syrup for the next six days on anything except for inside of your mouth. That's the syrup is all that you can smell for the rest of until you just bleach the whole house. Waffle crisp. Yeah. That shit was like changing your pheromones to waffles. It was like it had DNA strands in it that adhered to your own and made you produce syrup from all your glands. The dinosaurs have gaps in their DNA. It's okay. We replaced them with syrup. We put syrup in it. Oh shit. The syrup can change genders.

Syrup finds a way. Syrup finds a way, you guys. Yeah, that's in it. That's going to be a huge. Baby looks like tonight we're having a threesome. You, me and Aunt Jemima. Okay. Well, I can't. You burned my cortex. Here's the thing. Okay. When my, when my whole coffee table smells like syrup, it's upsetting because I don't want it to. But what if the, would that be so bad for a gin, gin? Here's another way. Wait, for what? Wait, for what? For a, for a gin, gin. A gin, gin? Okay. You make it sound like a Star Wars card. I'm going to pretend that's German. It is. That's the slide you brought back with you. The three words that I knew were Guten Morgen, which was good morning because the hotel clerk told

you to see me all the time. Frustich, which is breakfast and also because we work with a guy whose last name is Frustich. You try to convince us that every time you eat breakfast in Germany, he gets a cut off the top. And then also gin, gin, because I actually, I'm going to be honest, I look that one up. Yeah, that is, that one is. Did a little Google or actually over there, they call it something really funny. My main concern, aside from its Lubbock properties, my main concern is that it does not in any way impact the prophylactic qualities of this conom, because from what I know of this individual, it is essential that he does not reproduce. It is more important to me than my next breath that there not be a junior ever attached to this

gentleman's name. I cannot have him continue this way. Let's all address the Lubb, typically, not very viscous. Whenever you're trying to do some stuff down there, you don't usually go, yeah, I really want to get it super sick sticky. I just want to gum it up. I want to gum it up, like Elmer's school glue. This is going to feel great. It is going to, there will be a lot of tears. The image I can't get out of my head is like after I eat pancakes or waffles and like I sit down for lunch or dinner and there's like a little bit of syrup on the table I missed and it's like the worst feeling ever to set your arm down on it. I'm like, oh, sticky here. Hey, Trav. And that's like full body terrible. Trav, I like hyperbole as much as the next guy,

but how is your reality that that is the worst thing ever? That is the worst? Have you, how many ever, like, do you know what ever is? Is it your first day ever? I do. Do you never sit and go, where did the sticky come from and for half a second you can't remember? But the worst, Travis, the worst, are you like Jack? Have you really only been alive for 16 days and you're just aging rapidly? No, I'm sorry. I have a low tolerance for horrible things. Apparently you've just been decent. You've been oversensitized to horrible things. If that rates up there, get a sweet elbow rates up there, unlike the worst things that have ever happened here. Sweet elbow. That sounds like a sex thing. Yeah, they gave me a sticky bow.

Yeah. Oh, man, I hate this dumb show. I, I, man, don't do this. You listening? You out there? You tuned in? How about, how about you say, uh, baby, it looks like we don't have any lube, but I made you some pancakes. That's like, you don't, you don't have to get your rocks off by, by ram jamming with some, with some K-roll. Like you don't, if that's the option, I think you opt out and I think you, I think you go the pancake route. I think you get some, I think you get some hungry Jack and you mix it with, with milk and eggs and oil and all of a sudden you have a breakfast time. Okay. Listen, I don't want to, I don't want to make too many presumptions, but is there, does the question indicate at all that there is a girl involved in this equation and, or

another person really for that matter? Is it? Well, does it, there's condoms and I don't understand the science of, I don't understand the, what's the, what is the process there? Well, let's you give yourself a familiar stranger. I mean, if you've got a, if you've got the condom on there, if that's your concern. And then if you put syrup in it, all of a sudden it's a sticky hood on it. Now, Justin, what is a familiar stranger? Now, a familiar stranger, of course, is when you, is when you stare across the room going, I swear, I know that guy. Yeah, that's exactly it. But in sex terms, it's when you put on a car and a masturbate because it's like, this feels so familiar. I know you from, I know this from, I can almost swear. I know this exact, this exact jerk off,

but I don't, tip of my tongue. Tip of my tongue. Is this a biz opportunity that we're, is this a bizop that we're just watching fly right by? Is this a market that needs cornered? What, what market is that? Uncle, like uncle, uncle, Uncle Lumberjack's maple condoms, maple prophylactics. Uncle Lumberjack in it. I would say that if I'm all for, you know, the environment, and if we can make our products, which are served in like a plastic container, if we can make them do double duty, I mean, I guess what I'm saying is currently, maple syrup isn't formulated to be used as a sex lubes. But if you don't know that, sorry, we don't, sorry, real quick, we don't know that for sure, but go on. But yeah, right. But I'm sure

there could be a formulation to where you wouldn't need to have both of these products in your home. Yeah. You know, I mean, they could definitely, chemically speaking, I don't think this is un, un, I mean, you might not get as smooth of a pour over the, over your, your hot cakes or your Johnny cakes. It seems like, it seems like once again, we've reached a point where we need to leave it in the hands of science. Yeah. How about it? But I want to also leave it in the hands of industry. And I think we could be that industry if we, if we somehow trademark these, I'm thinking sap caps, I think is what we call them. Okay. Sap caps. You can go to a, you can go to a, a extreme straight stock, huh? Get sell some sap. Get on the ground floor. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of this

in sap caps now. It's a blue chip stock. It's a, it's a blue chip stock by which I mean, it's an goo chip stock. It's a good chip stock. And you can get this goo chip stock, right? Not another for a goo chip. Okay. Cause it, don't put, don't put things on your penis that weren't designed. Here's a good rule of thumb. Look at the box. Does it say this is for your penis? If no, turn to page 38 and then flip, flip, flip, flip. Don't put that on your cock. Stop it. Or your, or your gin, gin. No way. God damn. Or your gin, gin, banks. I hate you guys. Hey, I'm currently shopping for a new car and I'm hoping you can give me some, help me logic something out. I'm wondering if it's better to dress nicely, you know, tweed shirt and monocle or dress like a hobo,

preferably with spindle stick. Do you think it matters whether the dealer thinks I have money to burn or I'm counting my pennies? Thanks, brothers. That's from Miss Pina. Ooh. Ooh. Got a question. Use my, use my noodle. I think the ideal situation, if I were to guess, would be, would be up and coming hobo, like hobo with possibilities. You know what I mean? I was thinking like hobo, but with exemplary credit. Well, I want someone who says you're poor now, but you seem to be on an uptick. So next time you need a motor vehicle, you're going to remember Sim Fries and Honda Nissan and you're going to come back through these doors because I gave you a sick deal when you could barely scrape two wooden hobo nickels together. I like that. It's

like the two baseball players that make it to first base at the same time. Which one do you take? You take the, you take the less experienced one because you can train them up. You want to, you want to take this hobo as a potential car buyer because yeah, he doesn't have the tweed skirt and monocle of, you know, of Mrs. Employed, I guess would be the surname, but he's got heart. He's got spirit. Right. You know, doesn't have a cash flow to speak of, but there could be some. That's spunk. You want to get him behind the wheel of this new Honda Civic today. You want him to drive it off the lot. So when he comes back, you know, when it, you know, after he, uh, much like the hobo in the hit film, UHF that gets an exceptionally rare coin

and then sells it for this neat watch, you can, you could be that neat watch dealer. Thanks, Mr. Thanks, Mr. I got this neat watch. Hey, let's just spend the rest of the shed of your impressions from UHF. Well, call me Mr. Buckelfinger. Surprise. Red snapper. Very tasty. So, um, don't you know the do it as much as he does. That's about it. You should go in for, to look for a car just doing impressions from UHF. That's good. And now, Michael Richards, this sweetly retarded janitor from UHF.

Can we just do a quick, let me load up Wikipedia and read word for word the entire synopsis. Four times. Four times in a row. You think that should be, four times should be enough. Yeah. And then, but no, no, no, no. Tell you what, read it four times. And then when I'm editing, I'll just copy and paste until it's 16. I got you. I got you. So, uh, uh, I think you got it. I think you can mix and match. I think you can put on, I think you can put on like a tweety bird, a tweety bird, uh, sweatshirt maybe. And then like a tweed, like a tweed skirt and or a sense, a sensible skirt and a tweety bird sweatshirt. So you sit down at the desk and he's like, uh, you know, I'm not going to drive too hard, uh, a deal here because you obviously are not

a woman of means. And then you get that sweet deal and you stand up and he sees what's that Gucci pants. And then he knows, he knows he got sweatshirt suit. Yeah. He actually stands up and there's a Gucci tag on the tweety bird sweatshirt. You're like, oh, you didn't know this is from their 2D line. So Lester's on the back and he's wearing sunglasses. And he's got his arms crossed like Marky Mark. You can accomplish a lot of this when, as you're buying the car, you say, uh, well, as I'm picking out options here, can you show me the binder you have of different, of Calvin peeing on different things that you can affix to the rear windshield? Because that should, I believe that comes standard on the vehicles you sell here. When you take it out for a test

drive, ask if you can put your, uh, my, you know, I just horsing around bumper sticker on there as part of the test drive to really get the feel for it. I saw a car today with a bumper sticker and it was a paw print and it said fur kids on board. Um, so make sure you put that on there too. So he knows exactly. Now, was that saying that bumper sticker was for the kids who are on board or that there were four kids? No, for, for FUR kids, there are fur kids. And no, no, no, I heard like dog babies. Oh, fuck. These are my fur kids. That's awful. That presents my kids. They're on board. That presents a real temptation to just lean into the gas and hope for the best. Sorry about your fur kids. And also, I don't want to call this lady

a liar. I looked in her car. I did not see any dogs. Okay. Right. It's just, it's their ghosts. Yeah. She is fun to use the carpool lane, I guess. Um, in much the same way that a baby on board sign does not keep me for, is not the, it's not the binding social contract that keeps me from colliding into people. I'm, I do think I would be so distracted and just sort of chagrin by someone who referred to animals as their fur kids, uh, that I might actually be tempted to take them out. Or not, if not take them out, at least cut them off. Is this a, is this a popular car buying strategy to be so insufferable that the salesman just doesn't want to be around you anymore? But he also wants to make the sale. So you could talk about your fur kids with your twitty bird

sweatshirt and talk about- While you're explaining the plot of Huey Jack. Uh-huh. Do these three things in, in, if you could smell a lot like syrup, like over, overwhelmingly, uh, if you could even have a, maybe a little bit in your hair, um, then, then I think that this person would, you know, still want to get that sale, you know, still want to get that, still want to get that commission, but, um, also just generally, like really not want to be in your presence. Uh, here's some car buying strategy I learned. Uh, I found a car that I liked and, but I didn't buy it as soon as I found it. And the guy's like, I got some mails coming to look at it. And I was like, oh man, I'm not falling for that one. You know, this is my first time with the rodeo.

And then the next day I came back and somebody else bought it. So, so I just bought the next car he showed me because I didn't, I couldn't go through that again. It wasn't out of his hands, you know? I just couldn't go through it. So that would be my advice is basically don't fall in love because there's always going to be other cars. And you may just be tired of looking at cars. I know, I got there. How about another Yahoo? Yeah. Treat, treat me to it. Uh, this one was sent by Lisa Holofield. Thank you, Lisa. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Bryce, who asks, I want to start a gang. How is that done? The title pretty much says it all. Now this isn't any gangsta with my pants around my knees kind of gang. I want this to be like a 1940s

gang. It needs to have more class than quote, bust in caps if you catch my drift. Oh my god. I'm a huge racist. Yeah. Hey, man, you already got a game. They're called neo Nazis. Just go fucking sign up. God damn it. I don't be honest with you guys though. I would love to be in this gang. Oh, no, I know, I know, I know. Just to listen to this guy come up with plans for our gang to get into. Yeah. What kind of shenanigans we're going to get into. Can you just, I don't, I haven't read all the laws that there are. Can you just walk down the street yelling, hey, who wants to start a gang with me? Who wants to be a part of the demon racers. Yeah, is that going to be a, is that going to be a legal problem?

I've seen a lot. I mean, I've seen Johnny dangerously a few times and I don't think any gang is going to like the cut of my haircut's jib. I don't think my hair cut's going to cut the mustard. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's like too, too shaggy, I think. I think you've got a real, I would say a hard cut. Now, I'm saying, I think that you, when you put some time and effort into it, which I'll be honest with you, Justin, is pretty rare. Yeah. I think you can have a pretty nice pompadour going for you. Oh yeah, definitely. Maybe, but I'd have to get, definitely get it trimmed, maybe take some of the layers out so they're a little flatter. No, no, feather your bangs. It's beautiful when you feather them. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go to my

guy Sonny and just see, I'm going to give him Johnny dangerously, just a poster as a reference. Yeah, sure. And tell him not to, not to do that cut, but to encompass the feeling of Johnny dangerously in your haircut. Okay, right. Let me just real quick, the issue for you joining, not joining this gang is your hair, right? And not your inability to shoot 30 cops outside of a train station. I could, how fast are these cops running? It's not, okay, this is, this is, it's obviously a moral issue. Oh, because I played a lot of video games. So I mean, I'm, ideally, I wouldn't have to kill any cops. But what do you think gangs do in the 1940s? They drop drag race, drag race. That's one. Actually, nobody knows what happened in the 40s. There were wars.

That's mainly what the gangs did is they fought our wars. But most of the records have been lost to time. Yeah. Well, except for on, you know, their, their gangland tapestries. Yeah, right. I mean, they're, they're the cave paintings, of course, but yeah, and their urns that they used to carry moonshine from county to county. I don't, I don't think that I would fit in well with any kind of gang with a night. Now, why is that? There are several things. Okay. One of the, one of the big ones is that I, I am, I like to sleep in. Have you thought about maybe just joining like a bad mitten team? Wait, would that would, would the bad part be capitalized? Because that might be along the lines of where I'm going here. No, it would just like a bad mitten team. Right.

No, it would just be like they, like a group of people who played like, like played bad men. Could I also suggest joining like a glee club similar to like the whiffing poofs? This would be good. Yeah, sure. Well, let me ask you guys. Well, okay. What, how many, how many crime would we do? How many crime? You do crime. It depends on. If I showed up and we had played bad mitten or sung, you know, my old Kentucky home or something and we did it really well. And then afterwards I was like, guys, I'm ready to do a crime. Would they be like, would they know where to go to do one? Or would I just, I picture you guys walking around pushing over like newspaper stands.

Oh, those things. I, well, I do enough of that trying to practice my, my, my free running. So I, I mean, I knock a lot of those over anyway. Are you still into, into percure? Yeah, I'm gonna get you to join a parkour game. Oh, a percure game would be great because I usually leave footprints everywhere. You kids did it again. I just painted that wall. Why'd you sit on that wire? I left lying around. How can we never see that in modern crime dramas? Like there's no episode of CSI where they follow like shaded in footprints family circus style, you know? Yeah, right. Well, they get a big magnifying glass. Look at, look at the black footprints that are sure. Oh man. What if he did, what if Jeffy did commit

a crime and they had to track him down on CSI? They were just red footprints everywhere. Hey, you're welcome Matt TV. On a completely different note. Oh good. But similar note. So the neighborhood that our, our company house where all of our young actors live is, it's not a nice neighborhood. And the other day they were telling me that this, this group of young, young people was just throwing rocks at cars, like on the street, not even cars driving by, just parked cars on the street, just throwing rocks at them. Can we, but before we, before we jumped to any conclusions, are we sure that those cars didn't ask those children to throw rocks at them? Kind of a night writer situation. What? The night writer where the cars are talking to them and asking

to throw rocks at them. You know, night writer, you know, night writer, night writer with John Ritter. It's just John Ritter giving David Hasselhoff piggyback rides. Yeah. Oh my God. Sorry. I just had the vision of a John Ritter voice by Mr. Feeney and I'm going to have a rod all day now. Perfect. That's going to really impede my work day. We don't, we don't need to join gangs if we want to make money because we have one dependable source of income and that is the money. Got a message for Clay from your brother Jack and uh, Jack just wanted to stop by and say happy birthday. He was rolling by. He couldn't stick around till we started recording, but he wanted us to tell you. He left this message, he left a note for us and

he said, he hoped that your sweet 16 is the sweetest 16 ever and I have a feeling in my gut that it's going to be pretty sweet. So, uh, happy birthday, Clay. I didn't know, I did not know that 16 and before this 15 year olds are listening to this show because we get pretty blue. You start with a bone in with syrup. I don't want to, I don't want, I, I love course language and adult, adult subject matter. Adult situations. What I don't want is for kids to listen to the things I say and then go to school and then tell their friends about adult situations. And then they tell two friends and then they tell all their friends and then all of a sudden, I'm basically a child pornographer. Um, I don't know that you know what that means.

Yeah, I saw, I saw little children. Sorry, what's the, can we go to the next thing? Yeah, I want to make a website about how much of a creep Griffin is. Does anybody know how to do that? You should check out the all new Squarespace six. Tell me about it. Well, uh, the main points are it's a, it's got beautiful new templates. It's an easy drag and drop interface, an incredible responsive design, and it's social media connectivity is just out of this world. So, Oh, really? Like on the moon? You can socially connect to people. I am Mars curiosity robot. Check out my social media connectivity. You know, he's tweeting. He is tweeting and it's hilarious. He's good. He's doing good. So, yeah, so if you're looking to make a website and you want

something that's like fast and easy, just check out square, squarespace.com. Um, and if you use the offer code, my brother eight, all one phrase, my brother eight, the number eight, then you get 10% off. Um, so good. Check it out now. Squarespace.com. I believe a Merlin man from you look nice today is, uh, redoing his entire website with Squarespace six and doing a video series about it. So it's got, it's got legit tech. It's legit. My brother, my brother and me, the all new Squarespace six has got legit tech box quote friends. Uh, do you have a video game website, podcast or app that needs some affordable original music? We got the guy for you. Jake Hawkin, H-A-W-K-E-N. He's at Jake Hawkin.com. Uh, he does out your music for your podcast.

He'll do theme music and carried around in a boom box. He'll do sound effects for your website, graphic novel or app. Don't buy that stupid ass catalog music. Don't buy that beat ass catalog music. When I hear the same music on project runway and then later on America's next top model, here's what I always say. And you'll find this on his website. I say, fuck, should have called Jake Hawkin. That it's my thing. That's what I say. Fuck, should have called Jake Hawkin. Yeah. So, uh, hey, just real quick one more time. Fuck, should have called Jake Hawkin. Yeah. And you can get that as a sound effect of his websites available there at Jake Hawkin, H-A-W-K-E-N.com. And the last thing we need to

mention, and gosh guys, if you are not having a good week, you should know how many weeks of advertising our friends at Extreme Restrains bought with us because it is going to get so real over the next few months. It is going to buckle up and by which I mean to the bed with your lover. Right. You can provide that for you now. I have suggested that we retitle the podcast, the McElroy Brothers Extreme Restrains comedy hour. Buckle up and buckle up because it's Extreme Restrains time. Oh my goodness. If you need some sex toys, and I mean sex toys, this stuff gets real. We have a coupon code. It's mid-list. And if you use the coupon code at ExtremeRestrains.com, then you are going to get 20% off on any week that you hear this

advertisement. So that's the first thing that we want to get across to you. Here are some things that listeners have bought using this Extreme Code anal trainer set. AstroDroid. We're going to have to stop and go bullet point by bullet point here because how in what way does my my anus does pretty much everything I need it to do right now and it does it with pretty good. I think. Nope. That's incorrect. Your anus is an untapped well of pleasure. It's an untapped pleasure. Some other things our listeners have bought a swirl bloom vibrator wall beggar vibrating dildo five inch slim vibe astro glide acute harness dildo butterfly. Now, is that a cute harness dildo? Yes, it is an adorable harness dildo. But anyway, do you think do you think a swirl bloom vibrator

is what Willy Wonka uses to masturbate? Tell me the Schnauzberg flavored lube. No. No. I also want to point this out because I was going through their website as I often do. I love that under categories, there's a dildo category and then a separate huge dildo category. Don't get it twisted. If you're in the dildo category, like these look, these are way too small for my dapper. Then you can, oh man. Let me upgrade you. You could, there was a website designer who was browsing the dildos one day and said, and someone came in and he said, Darla, did you see this new dildo? We just got in and she said, no, Philip, I didn't see it. He said, look at this. I don't even think you can legally classify this

as a dildo. It needs its own taxonomy. It needs its own taxonomy in our architecture because it is so huge. I don't want anyone to buy it expecting a standard dildo. Just a suggestion. What have I done? I have to put this in me now. I'm looking for branding opportunities just all the time and I think, what if big dildos, what if they're called thrildos? Oh no. Oh no. You put them in the freezer. It's a childo. Oh no. For the go-to-extremer-states.com and use the coupon code middleist to get 20% off. Go now. Go now. I think a childo would not feel very good. Not at first. No, not at first. Cover it in hot K-Row though and you are in business,

the business of sadness. Yeah. A couple weeks ago, I started hanging out with a lady. She was really cool and she seemed to like me as well. A few days later, she sent me a message to let me know that she only wanted to be friends. I was a little sad. I got over it until I learned why she was dating magician. An actual magician. A man whose job it is to perform magic tricks. I was passed over for a magician. How should I feel about this? Should I feel offended or have I dodged a bullet? That's from Beaton in Brisbane. I mean. I think, I think, you know what? Go to the fridge. Let's go crack a cold one. Yeah. Classic tale. Listen, listen, man. Boys and girls. Girl loves magicians. Not gonna lie to you, man. That's a bad beat. You know what? Brother, you just,

you just, ta-da, you fucked up. Yeah. Magically, she made herself confidence disappear. Poof. David Copperfield's greatest tricks. Hey, I, you shouldn't feel that bad though because some, some illusionists, as they prefer, are really dope. Like, one time David Copperfield got mugged. Do you guys, have you guys heard this story? Yeah. No, is this true? This is 100% true. One time David Copperfield got mugged with two assistants, right? And when he went to go empty on his pockets and he, he palmed his cell phone and his wallet and his passport, he palmed them and it revealed empty pockets. He palmed them. So he didn't have anything. And, okay, so this, and, and then, like, obviously the mugger was arrested and so, but then he escaped and appeared on the balcony.

Right. So here's some interesting things about this story. One, he let his assistants be robbed. He didn't use, he didn't, he didn't have a trick to get out of that. So that's, that's problem one. He didn't operate a gun or a taser. Right. Exactly. A dove, maybe, just as a distraction. The, the other problem with this is that David Copperfield is apparently in such financial dire straits that he'll risk taking a bullet to the chest just to preserve the like $30 and Peter Pit coupon. Yes. Well, first off, what if he had nine stamps on that coupon and was one away? Yeah, that's true. That's true. Second off, those, those abilities are rarely, if ever, practical. So I think you just- Don't you think at this point, like, there's no challenge anymore?

And he's like, this is, this is my time. Right. I have to push this to the next level. I have to go real magic. Also, if you're a robber and you're robbing someone and they do magic to you, I don't think you shoot them. I think, I think you maybe let him go scot-free and say that was the most creative being robbed I've ever seen. You are free to go. Another fine performance, Mr. Copperfield. The moral of the story is magicians are awesome. And magicians are awesome. What if this girl is like dating Lance Burton, the coolest magician? That is, that is an issue. Then, then you can't feel bad. But if it's like David Blaine, then yeah, you should probably feel bad about it. Yeah. If it's Chris Angel, well, yeah, he's awesome. I don't know. David Blaine

can hold his breath for a really long time. No, David Blaine can hold his breath to kiss all his own farts. I hate that guy. What? Was that an insult? I'm not sure. I just hate him so. Ah, man. When Travis hates somebody enough, he just references their flattice. And then that's, that's enough to really put him in place. Don't let Leo DiCaprio hear you talking that way. Because he, he won't let you live it down. He loves DB. Yeah. What? Oh, yeah. The first, the first, in his first hit special, Street Magic. It was hosted by Leo DiCaprio. No way. Yeah, way. That was like prime Leo years. Yeah. That's why, that's why Kate pushed him off the door in the Titanic.

Let me tell you again about David Blaine. No, no, I get it. He made a card appear on a window. No matter who you get dumped for, there are always going to be things about them that make it slightly ridiculous because they're not you. Yeah. From your perspective, nobody's ever said like, yeah, she left me for this guy, but he's really good at soccer. Yeah, right. But to be fair, he's a way better person than me in just about every way. In college, I had a girlfriend who left me for a hot air balloon. I wish that was the true story. I mean, she, she didn't like date the hot air balloon, but she did set off on a world adventure for the hot, and she said, we can't, when I'm up in the clouds, you know, you're just gonna, you're just gonna hold me down.

Yeah. Yeah. I gotta cut that sandbag loose. It is a different world up there though. I mean, to be fair, it's a whole new world. Once you get in the stratosphere, then you just, you die probably because hot air balloons don't provide you with any protection. There's zero, there's absolutely no protection within the elements. Hey, NBNBAM, that's us. I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me. I know the how part already, but I'm torn on the wind, the wind. Wow. I had been planning on a day that's special to us, but I think she suspects that when I would ask her. So my question is, do I go with the element of surprise or the something expected yet meaningful? And that's Souter from the South. I have some insight into this question.

Would you like to hear it? Yeah. I think I know what it is, but yes. My wife thought that she, that I was going to propose to her on Christmas and I didn't. I proposed to her on New Year's Eve. So she was fine in the end, but there was a six day gap there, but there was a six day gap where things could have been better. She could have been in a better mood. And now let me, let me give the counterpoint. Oh, great. My girlfriend and I like knew what exactly almost what time her ring was going to be available. She knew it was happening. It said to me, if you wait, I will kill you. Right. And so I like proposed as soon as I got home, which was fine. It was very nice for us. Got down on one knee, did a set of romantic things,

bought a flower. It was very nice. And then I had to spend the rest of time explaining to people why I didn't do something more surprising. Sure. Now here's the counter counterpoint. Who wants to get married, bond chain, milk and don't milk the cow. You can go out and get it. You don't have to tie yourself down with a, don't just fry free on that hot air balloon because you don't need a sandbag tying you down. It's like, let's go see, let's go. So your seeds in the field of pussies. I don't remember that scene from UHS. Stop the world. I want to get off. You just say, so your seed in a field of pussies. What kind of ship are you running here? So you're wild. It's not a ship. It's a farm, obviously. Pussy farms. Inga's new Facebook hit.

Come water my pussy so I can get 30 pussy coins. Have you seen my pussy cow? I think it wandered onto your Facebook farm. Give us $30. We'll give you 600 gin, gin points. You can use to buy new pussy cows. Pussy wolf came and snuck into your farm. They don't eat rutabagas. You pussy bagas. Our wolves are vegetarian. Don't steal that in your Facebook game. We'll sue you. Come on down to gin, gin ranch for all the, we got milk for the pussy cows. Great to move on. There was a lot of, I guess it's good that we do a split every now and then because we usually talk about boners a lot, but there was a lot of discussion of the vagina

and its parts in this, in this particular episode. Watch out throwing shit. We've got your number. We know how to talk to the ladies. Oh yeah. There's no women ladies like more than hearing about their bits. Listen, we were very clinical about it. That is all official. We're nothing if not respectful. Right. That is all official terminology. We weren't making fun of stupid vaginas. You go in instead of out, dumb. What's your deal, you hidey bastards? Yeah. Why are you so ashamed of what's going on in there? I don't know who this character is, but I want to fucking kill him. I want to stick some sort of hot iron inside of my brain and burn out whatever part of it that voice comes from. Um, so this is the part where we plug our social.

Yeah. On NBNBAM is Twitter. It is, you can find us on Facebook. If you want to join that group, that's a robust group. Yeah. If you want to, if you want to help water our pussy plants on Sunshine Ranch, you can go to facebook.com. Yeah. People like to make fan art sometimes, so don't, but don't do it for any of the things we said. Hey, all the things that we said today, off limits. This episode is non canonical. This is outside of the NBNBAM first. This is our lost episode. You'd only wish we lost it. Generations from now. People will ask if this episode ever really existed. So thank you for people tweeting about the show with the NBNBAM hashtag, including Laura Nessin, Chase Router, Adams Holds, Wiggy1978, The Unchosen One,

Waitlin' Baugh, Hello Joe Bin, Ducklips513 as always, Jonathan Viathan, anybody else? I'm forgetting about Chorus, BuzzClick, Hallways, Fan of Creek Music. That's every name. That's all the twitters. Please go subscribe to our show, review our show, rate it, all that good stuff. And Justin, don't we have a new way of contacting us, do we not? We do. We actually now have a, my brother and my brother and me, mailing address. It's, you just send stuff to NBNBAM and it is PO Box 54 Huntington, West Virginia 25706. So if you want to mail us pretty much anything, just send. Not poison. Not poison. I can't stress enough. Please don't kill us. Yeah. Now I will also say

that if you mail us baked goods, we probably won't eat them, but I just say that and if somebody actually does send them, probably will eat them. If you could just make the baked goods and then take a picture of it and then mail that to us. And a video of you eating the first one of the batch. Right. That's what we need. I want to thank John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for the user theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. For sure. Can I do that? Go ahead. Okay. Thanks. Oh, we haven't talked about this in a long, long time, but if you would like some, my brother, my brother and me gear, we have a NBNBAM, I call it, I think of it as the detective shirt, but I don't know what most people think. The

adventure shirt. Adventure shirt. And then we have a shirt for Peepham's nasty gum, which is a, an old favorite. So that's at maxfunstore.com. You can just buy those, they'll just sell them to you. And we also haven't mentioned in a while about, you know, tweeting quotes you like from the show. It's always great to see people who have like just started listening and gone back through the back catalog and they'll quote something from like episode 42 or something. And it always cracks me up. So thanks for that. Two calls to action. Go listen to the other maximum fun shows, Throwing Shade, Memory Palace, the new one. Jordan, Jesse Ghost, stop podcasting yourself, Judge John Hodgeman, International Waters, all extremely good.

Second call to action. My Yahoo answer, I still got a few, you know, great standbys. And thank you so much if you send in the Yahoo answers, but the well is drying up a little bit. And that means I have to go find my own answers. And that's the worst. So if you feel inspired, email us mbmbamatgmail.com or mbmbmatmaxphonephone.org and send in some Yahoo's. Nothing gross, only, only funnies. Thanks. Thanks. Speaking of Yahoo's, here's the final one of the day. Can be sent in by, sent in by Jeremy Walker. Thank you, Jeremy. It's by Yahoo Answers user swimmer 899 who asks, why do I very often dream that I'm wearing diapers? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother,

my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. Taxis girls smart. Play your part.