My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 118: Celebrity Dream Date

Episode Date: September 3, 2012

Just ... just don't eat while listening to this episode. Please? Suggested talking points: God Loves Pogs, Good Good Washer Boy, Exclusive Sneak Peek: How I Met Your Mother Finale, Wall Decor, Dyspepsia, Justin's Ghost Tours, Kafkaesque

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's my brother, my brother, meet Advice Show from the Modern Era, our special Labor Day edition of our program. We didn't stop working. What's that? It's Labor Day, baby. It's time to split those giant giants wide open and get some babies out of them. Let's induce this Labor Day and give birth to a new day for our nation.

I don't think it's both ethically and morally dubious Labor Day because I don't think it's right to induce the labor just so that you can participate in the holiday. I don't think it's right to plan your conception nine months ahead of time. That's early December or something like that. Who the fuck wants to have sex in early December? Not this guy. You do it and you stay warm and you don't die in the cold. True love waits until February. You have all those necessity babies. Yeah, sure. Boy, if you have your baby on Labor Day and your first words to your baby are, get it. That baby is going to grow up with a really, really, really great sense of humor. Well, the problem is if you have a baby on Labor Day, it's instantly in a union.

You have it right. That's true. And let me tell you, the baby union, their strikes are unscabbable. Can't be gone. You cannot scab a baby union. Everyone will know the difference. How are you going to cross a baby pickup line? Well, it's quite easy. I mean, they're fucking knee high. You can just, you know, you gotta be careful. You'll trip right over them. Yeah, you it is a tripping hazard and they can bite you. That's babies. And their picket signs are incoherent. They're nothing. They're just they're just prints of their hands in paint. Like it's not even making a really great state unless they're like hyper religious or super politically active parents make them hold the signs. I hate that shit. That kid does not actually think that God hates fags.

I know that as a fact. That kid, God loves pogs is what that kid wants to hold up. God, give me more Pokemon cards, please. I pray every day for them and nothing. Dear God, Yu-Gi-Oh signed David, David, the kid. That's what happens. He's like Yu-Gi-Oh? You pray, you pray for Jesus to bring you Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And when he doesn't, you blame the homosexuals. And that's why that's how Fred Phelps was born. Okay. So he is the ultimate Yu-Gi-Oh master. Right. He would be. He would be if Jesus had brought him some Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Jesus won't bring him any Yu-G's, so he hates gays. That's, that's, I mean, that's, that's canon at this point, I think. I guess that makes, I guess everything that we've said so far

makes sense. I bet, I bet when this episode started, that my brother, my brother, me historians weren't ready that they're gonna have to crack open the Hall of Fame vault to put the baby union bit in. They didn't, they didn't have to. So, so soon after they just dipped in last week to put in a hilarious bit from last week that they put in, I forget. Romney Coladas. Romney Coladas. They dipped in to put in Romney Coladas, now they're gonna have to trek right back to the Hall of Fame to put baby unions in. Guys, let's, uh, let's spread it wide. Let's, let's use our kegels and let's push. Let's not belabor the day. Let's push this, this six pound four ounce. Is that small?

That's, yeah, I feel like that's normal. Let's just get this baby of humor out of us. Let's just get this humor baby out. The humor is crowning. Let's go. Okay. These jokes are six centimeters dilating. I can see the top of its goofs. Okay. Hall of Fame. I always have the, oh, on this show we answer questions, but not, but usually we just make fun of people, but it's like a question show and we'll answer something. Here we go. I always have the same problem when I'm at a party or out with friends. For whatever reason, I'm always introduced to new people just after I come out of the bathroom. My hands are still a little wet from washing. So now I'm stuck stepping out of a bathroom and

immediately giving a damn handshake. It doesn't make for a good first impression. So what's the proper response to a handshake request when you have wet hands? That's washed in Wisconsin. Well washed. There's so many options. There's literally dozens, if not hundreds of options. Can I help you with just like the top one? Just dry your fucking hands. Dry your hands. That's what your jeans are for. That's what, that's why you have like, that's why they have his and hers. You know what? That's a new good adult rule. Don't go to parties unless they have fucking guest towels. Yeah. If they don't have a guest towel, you need to depart. You need to walk out of the bathroom with your hands aloft and say, I am leaving to go home to dry my hands.

I can't meet your new girlfriend right now. My hands are damp because this party is bullshit. Why are you shaking anybody's hand? That's a great question. That's a germ factory. You got to give them elbow bumps, which is the new thing. Yeah, I'll do that at a trade show where I don't want to, hi, I've never met you. You're from a different country. Let's just elbow bump because I don't know. I don't want, you know, I don't want contagion happening to me. Sometimes though, people will get overzealous with the bump and they'll want to prove to you that they've got some, some, some juice in the, in the, in the two. Oh, that's the worst. And they'll get, and I'll turn into a forearm shiver. Oh my God. And that's brutal.

Yeah. Cause your forearm is just like a, it's just a big Petri dish. Well, mine is, is, is brittle. Yeah. Your elbow. It's practically avian and, and when people give me a big bash, it's like, yeah, it really hurts. What I do in this situation whenever I have not washed or not dried my hands properly. Okay. So there's a little bit of Freudian truth in there, but go on. Well, I have not dried my hands. I just come out and someone tries to introduce me and I say, we're, we're not going to shake. We're going to hug and then I just hug them and then I wipe my hands on their back. Well, that's a good point because isn't your whole body a little damp? Excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? Like when you, like when you wash it, you

really, you guys just get your hands, huh? So you're saying like when you're at a party and you use the bathroom, you take a shower? You take a quick shower? I mean, I use the sink. It's not like, it's not like a full production, but every part of the hobo bath, every part of me does. Yeah, I take a library bath. Every part of me does get wet. Sure. Let me, let's break this down because we've never really, we've talked about, I think, probably the politics of hand washing 20 times, but you're not touching, you're not actually touching like your butthole or your poopy or your peepee or your wee, you know what I'm saying? Like there's paper there. So it's all, it's all in your head anyway. So like, I guess it's just that you're getting like poop particles from the air up on it,

up on your hands. And if that's the case, then your whole body is contaminated. That's, I mean, that's a fair point. We're all contaminated. Honestly, your immune system could do well to get some, hold on, I'm sorry, Justin McGriffin, are you saying that you don't believe hand washing in any way helps? I'm saying, I'm saying you go to a different country, throw a dartboard at it, throw a whole dartboard at them. Throw a dartboard at the wall. Okay. And then get a dart. And then leave their house because you'll be asked to leave their house. Throw a dart and flip a pool table. And chances are, whatever country it lands in, they don't even bother. It's just not a cultural thing for them. And so you're saying that any

other country, other than America, not only doesn't wash their hands, but it's far healthier than America? There's a few. Greenland washes Australia. Well, West Australia washes, East Australia, they don't give a fuck. They wash their hands backwards. The water flows upwards. Griffin goes to two countries and suddenly he's seeing everything from a global perspective. I'm just saying you have to, it's everything is connected, you guys. The world is getting smaller. So are you a citizen of the world yet? I am a citizen of the Northern Hemisphere. I'm still working on getting my credentials for the Southern Hemisphere. But really, what do they have for us down there? That's the party hemisphere. Yeah. I think we've already got all the gold. That's all they had.

We've got all the gold out of there. So thanks Cortez. You're the best. I don't, I don't know. What if you just like, as you were shaking their hand, you just leaned in and said, it's not pee. Don't worry. You have to say that. That you're joking. My hands are nothing. If your hands are wet, if their hand, when they pull it away, is wet from your wetness, guess what? You got to bring it up. Or you just assert your dominance in this situation. I mean, that is a power move. Yeah. That's my hand. It may or may not be pee. You may or may not have my pee on there. How is that? I'll be able to find that hand later because I marked it.

No one else better touch that hand. So let me give you a UV light. That's mine. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm just saying, either dry your hands or possibly, as soon as you show up to the party, as soon as you feel that you have to go to the bathroom, look around the room and in like a panic state, like, fuck, I've got to meet everybody real quick. Oh, assuming you're at a private party, like, why are you even washing your hands at a private bathroom? The only reason to wash your hands is because somebody walks in there who looks kind of judgy or you know them. Yeah. You just got to turn the water on for like 10 seconds. You don't have to, don't even bother getting wet. That's a good thing. Just turn the water on. Somebody

will hear you outside. Count the floor. He's a good, good washer boy. And then you walk out and they think you're a good, good washer boy and they say, hey, you sound like a great washer. My name is Denius. My name is Denius. And then you shake, you shake his hand. He said, oh, you're a good dryer boy too because it is bone dry down there. So dry. You say, yeah, I've really got pretty much every concept mastered. It's nice to meet you. Listen, this way seem forward, but my name is Denius Gulper and I'm the head of the Washing Hands Institute. And I want to bring you in as the greatest ever. I think you could be my champ. But then suddenly you're living a lie. And they're like, please tell us how you got so bone dry and so clean. And you're like,

uh, they tried to study because it's like impossible. He promises he washed his hands. Yeah. I don't see how he got them. Why would you lie to me? A lot of people tell you to sing row to row your boat to keep track. That's a lie. You got to do, uh, I do the chorus from Hold On. Just one, one go of the chorus from Hold On by, uh, by Wilson Pickett. Who is it? And what's Wilson Phillips? I think it's Denius, Denius Phillips. And what people never tell you is when you, when you do it to a certain song, you have to sing at the top of your lungs so that everyone outside knows that you're doing it for the right amount of time. It's good. It's good at a party to just be like, or here's how about a wake, just like, just like total silence and condolence and

crying. And then someday some, but it's going to tell you to go around and wash your hands. Get the germs off. Oh, someone's a good washer boy. Hey, how many, if you guys were to guess, how many, what percentage wise if, if a hundred percent is all. Yeah, that's typically how it works. Seems mathematically correct. It sounds so far. What percent would you say wash their hands when somebody enters a room and is in there with them versus wash their hands when they're alone? A hundred percent. There's a lot of politics that we're going over again here. Like if it's, if it's a, if it's a, if it's a bathroom with stalls and then you're in the stall and someone else comes in and sits in the stall next to you but doesn't see your face, you're free to walk out.

Okay. I'm talking percentages though. Do you, do you think no one is doing it for their own edificate? Like are you guys suggesting that if you were by yourself, no one is washing their hands in the bathroom? I don't know. Since I have tightened up my hand washing habits, I have found myself getting sick less, which I think there's some science to that probably. And what I do every time I go to the bathroom, I wash my hands and then brush my teeth and then comb my hair every time, three times. Travis is an 80 year old man. And then I hand the towel back to the attendant and I say thank you so much and I can give him a dollar. Speaking of the attendant, I want to talk about bathroom attendants for a second.

Okay. As far as I know, they're only in airports, maybe in strip clubs. Not true. I've seen twice and I don't understand why they are in the airport and I don't understand why I see shoe shiners in the airport and only, only there. So this is my question. Because we have to have jobs for our poetry majors. That is very funny, but it doesn't answer my question. Is the airport, is there another rich person world that is going on in parallel to ours that we only have access to at the airport because, I mean, that's why like. So are you asking like, is the, is the airport a great equalizer where you get a peek into? Is that the only place where our two sort of realities crossover, because just the logistics of building a rich person airport

is just beyond the pale. Sure. It is the only place where you see sort of what's going, like $40 for headphones at Brookstone. Sure. Chili's to go. I've got an alternate theory and it is from my time in, in my recent time in Germany, every single restaurant, every single one, every single place we went to, their bathroom had an attendant. And they sat outside between the men and women's room and would offer you see, I would like toiletries or anything that you wanted. So my theory is they're all German immigrants who came to America with stars in their eyes. And then they just kind of got to the airport and they're like, ah, fuck it. This is, this is fine. This is fine. I've always wanted to like, when I was at a restaurant, because I've

been to several restaurants that had a bathroom attendant. Whoa. I know. Count it. And I've always been to several restaurants. I was hoping you were going to stop there. And every time I've seen an attendant, I've always wanted to walk up to like the host or somebody and be like, hey, I met a bathroom attendant. It was really nice and have them go bathroom attendant. Yeah. What are you? Oh, no. We had a bathroom attendant, but he's been dead for 15 years. Ghost poop face. Okay. Well, that's the end of the bit. Can you edit that part out? No, I can't. I was hoping something funny or would come after face. Okay. I'm going to remember that. I'm going to remember to do that, but there might be a dog

outside or something while I'm editing. So it's okay. Don't worry about it. You want a yahoo? Give me a yahoo. Would that feel better? Ghost peeper? Nope. If I was hoping, I would say. Yeah. It's not much better. Here's it. I was hoping it would come out. Let's just go. This one was sent in by Slimer. That's how Slimer was born. Thank you. This one was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thank you, Krista. It's by Yahoo Answers user Kevin. Who asks, if your celebrity crush says he or she will go out with you, if you eat just a little bit of his or her poop, would you do it?

Oh God. Yes. Yes. No. Can you reread the question? If your celebrity crush says he or she will go out with you, if Stop right there. Stop right there. Go out with you. Listen, if you're talking about an ongoing relationship with my celebrity crush, this isn't just a one-off situation. Okay. Anybody who begins the tenor of the relationship with just eat a little bit of my poop. How did you guys meet? Well, how did you guys meet? That's how how I met your mother ends.

The final part of the last shot of the show is the two kids on the couch horrified. Yeah. The series finale, the episode is 30 seconds long and Bob's like, all right, here it comes. Are you ready? It's Penelope Cruz. And she said, how you feel about scat? And I said, not great. And she said, well, tough. And then I ate just a little bit. The end. And that is the story. Now your mom says her little whore has done enough storytelling. It's time to get upstairs and do my whore job. Like a good little slut that I am the dad for probably met your mother. I have to go. Oh, God. Oh, shit, that'd be great. Those kids would be so angry. Like we've been sitting here for seven years. And that's how it ends. The end of it is you.

And he just looks at it goes, the aristocrats. Yeah. Really? What? So you think it might be a celebrity mother? You think that's how I met your mother, Gina Davis. Known archer and scat enthusiast. It's the star of Cutthroat Island, Gina Davis. Earth girls may be easy, but Earth boys will eat your poopies. It's science. I also feel like there's too much and letting people know that my celebrity crush is Gina Davis. Well, now Gina Davis or Earth girls are easy. Yeah, Commander in Chief Gina. Like 1988 circa Gina Davis. Sure. But also circa 1988, Annie McDowell. So, oh my God, yes, I got some weird standards. Yeah. And it includes time travel, I guess.

And being eight. I don't want to talk about it. We're all in very happy relationships. I feel like if this question was to hang out with a celebrity, you think you'd be best friends with? Would you eat a little bit of Alton Brown's poopie? Just to like hang out with him? Yes. Have you seen how well he eats? Yeah, he would prepare it. You got way healthy. Yeah. I'm saying like if you said like eat a little bit of David Tennant's poop all over it. Yeah, sure. Can we not have this conversation at all? Travis would probably eat a little bit of David Tennant's pooped even if it meant not hanging dust in it. Like just showed up in a FedEx box. Even though I just ran into a dude on the street in lunch and

he said, hey, you want a bit of David Tennant's poop? I would ask the price. Can this not happen? Let me just ask the person. Listen, I know you want to get off this subject, but I have like 75 more questions. Do you think there are people out there? And I really, I don't fancy myself a celebrity, but do you think there are people out there who would eat a little bit of our poop just to hang out with us? Yeah. I really hope not. Like I super, super, super hope not. Okay, let me rephrase. I bet there are people out there that would just eat our poop. I don't think- No, Travis. No, we're not. No, we're not. We're not Tennant level, but I think we have a little bit- No, no, no. I'm saying just

because I think there are people out there that like to eat poop. Oh, sure. Sure. Okay. Guys, everything that's happening right now is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Okay. Justin, there's not a single celebrity whose poop you would eat to hang out with them? There's not a single person who's- Antonio Bender. I should- Okay. You got me. Shit. You had to cut to the core of me, Travis. Let's see, we gotta go. I need to talk about like something like humans talk about. I need to take like a big gulp of water and just- Not a big gulp. I hate this stupid podcast. I just moved into an apartment for the new semester of

my college year. While my room looks good, I have an issue. There is nothing on my walls. I thought this wouldn't be an issue, but staring at the void of nothing surrounding me is starting to make me edgy. So what should I put up there? That's from Good Idealist in Georgia. If you came to my brother, my brother and me live show, you could buy a hit poster to put up there. How about a poster featuring Antonio Bender? Yeah. Star of Stage and Screen. Concert posters are good. Oh, God. Did we really just make the jump from scat cooking to interior design? Whoa, whoa, whoa. We never said it was cooked poop. Sorry. Yeah, concert posters. Anything that you can have a story for? Those are always fun.

You know what I've always wanted to do? What's that, Travis? And I don't know. Like it would depend on- Can I guess Gina Davis' poop? No, I haven't always been to do that, not until I saw Earth Girls or Easy. No, like to have a bear wall and it would depend on your lease, but to like draw or paint like your own mural or something. You probably have to paint over it. Sure, that's going to look real good. I mean, if you're artsy in any way. No, no, no, I know. I'm saying I've seen your watercolors. I can actually draw and paint very well. I know, I'm saying I've seen your watercolors. Because it sounds insincere. You're not coming across. Can I try again? Can I try again? Oh, I've seen your watercolors. Not helping. No, that's going

the wrong way. I've seen your watercolors. That's better. Okay. Well, it's like Michael Manneed. Do you remember his bedroom when he was a kid and it was just like on the wall, his parents would let him just like draw on the wall? Illustrator of the My Brother, My Brother in Me comic book, Origin Story. Now, the difference is that he is very good. Yeah, but he was eight at the time. Like I'm saying if mom and dad let me draw on the wall when I was eight, maybe I would be a very talented illustrator. If mom and dad had let me drive a car at eight years old, I would be a NASCAR driver right now. I'm saying. Is that the way it works? That is basically it. Eight is basically the cutoff for any career aspiration.

Just like Travis stopped aspiring to make love to women at the age of five. Apparently. It's frozen in time. Frozen in sexual amber. After I met my five-year-old girlfriend, sexual amber. Yeah. I'm bad about that. I don't think in my apartment in Chicago, my walls are completely bare in my bedroom and it was it was depressing. I was like sleeping in a jail cell. So you got to have something. But don't go just like posters just like taped up. If you don't put your fucking posters in a frame, hang up this podcast. I don't want to. You don't deserve to hear the words from our mouths because you're a caveman.

I'm just going to use sticky tack. Oh, that's going to look really great on the walls. Oh, and the poster would be real bumpy afterwards. Good. I love it. And probably rip. What do you guys have hanging right now? What's surrounding you right now? In the room. Sorry. In the room, you're right. I'm going to start with Travis. Okay. Great. I'm sitting in my living room. I've got lots of pictures of friends and family on the wall. Why are you in the living room? Because this is where I record, man. It's where I live. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead. And I've got a painting that Teresa's sister did that's lovely. A welcome sign from our old house and some shelves with candles on them. Shelves is a fucking great way to go. Get like standalone shelves.

You put all kinds of shit on there. What can't you put on a shelf? You can put anything on a shelf. That is our new, my brother and my brother to me. Shelves is fucking great, Travis McRoy. These shelves are nice. When we put our shelves up, it changed the way our house looks. Knives, shot glasses, butter dishes. Little like skulls with candles on them. You know, just whatever. Boxes, masking tape, dead tarpics. Everything. Everything goes up there. I've got a little, I've got my Harvard Angel poster from the concert we went to in Chicago. They're next to last performance. I've got a life while wasted poster and I've got one of those little height meters to show how much I've grown. That's my special. A lot of people think it's weird. A lot of people

think it's weird to do that to yourself. For yourself when you move to a new apartment every single year. Since you were 19 years old. But I want to know just how much bones are doing, how much skeleton is doing. Okay, so you're keeping track of how much you're shrinking year to year. No, it's pretty much plateaued. So it's really just one line that I keep drawing over and over again. And also I should mention in different apartments every single year. That that part's important. Right now I have no metric to measure it against, I guess. It's just nice for people to know because maybe I'm getting robbed and they start in my office, which is where it is. And then they go into the office and say, Oh, shit, this guy's five foot 10. Let's get the fuck

out of here. You know, you know, you should do what's that to get one step further. Okay. And have somebody outline you on the wall. Oh, that's fun. And then just keep outlining you to see if you're getting fatter. Somebody, the last person who owned my home, measured their daughter's height on the inside of my kitchen cupboard. I discovered that it was this. Why did they keep their daughter in the cupboard? It was just written on there. Oh, yeah. Hey, so in my room, there's a this is gonna take a half hour. Yeah, I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's boring. Yeah. I recently started a new job, but I got a problem. A manager burps constantly never excuses himself. He mentioned once that he burps when he is hungry. But that would mean he's hungry all the time.

The other day, your boss is yogi bear. The other day, I think he burped in front of a customer and didn't say anything. Also, these are not little burps. Should I say something to him? If so, what should I say? Is this just a guy trying the is just is this just a guy thing that girls just have to deal with? I was bullied by a burper in elementary school. So maybe I'm more sensitive to burps. Please help me out. Grossed out in Greenwich, who works for Travis Greenwich. I don't know why I said Greenwich. I'm so sorry. You edited that. So I said, Oh, a dog. Um, egg burps are completely natural. Travis burps. This gentleman needs to learn to excuse himself. Travis burps. Did you say egg burps? Because I'm here to tell you egg burps are the pits

and they are the most unnatural. I said the letter a. Okay, sounded like egg. So are you are you hungry right now? Is that a burp? I actually am very hungry. I have not eaten all day. Okay. The first time God smelled an egg burp, he was like, I did not make that. I blew it. This is not of my this is not of my creation. That one's on satan. I have not I have not eaten in the last three days to avoid burping. I'm trying to cut back. I appreciate that. No, Travis burps a lot. Travis has the dyspepsia disease. You have a disease. He tries to blame our disease, but it's really just rude. I don't know. It's not rude. The disease doesn't make you open your fucking mouth when you burp like you do. If I don't burp, I'll vomit. The disease doesn't make you go to the trophy store

and buy one every time. I'm just saying I had one once. It was like three minutes long. It sounded like a demon was coming out of me and it was epic. That's fine. But disease perfect you from covering your goddamn or not buying it. I'm not a child. I'll burp when I want to in my own goddamn house. But you're not in your house. I'll burp in your house. I'll burp in anyone's house. I would not, could not in a house. One time I actually heard Travis burp out the words Cincinnati King of Burps, which to be fair, that was during a job interview and I'm nailed. Now I'm this person's boss. So I'm climbing up the ladder. I'm afraid I might have it. This past year I've been burping a lot and it's really not from a place of pride like Travis.

I'm deeply ashamed every time I do it and I live with my girlfriend now. So she has to like, I always try to be dainty about it. So that's a sin trying to come out. I try to be dainty probably. I try to be dainty about it but there's just nothing doing and I always feel this need to just apologize profusely every time I have it. You should just hide it behind a lace fan, you know, put your gloved hand to the back of your hand to your mouth and hide it because apparently you're a Victoria. Just burp like an American. I faint every time too. That's the vapors. No, it's horrible. It's disgusting. You're farting with your mouth and like you wouldn't. In all seriousness, you should not like,

this dude is wrong burping at a professional workplace in front of customers as your boss. Don't get me wrong. I celebrate my burps at home with friends where it's safe. It's not but go on. What I'm saying, I think that you're perfectly in the right to the next time he doesn't be like, hey, Chet, cut it out. You realize that like when I'm like staying over at your house on a trip or something like that and you burp, the first thing I don't think is, oh, this is a really safe environment for me to be in. You don't think, well, I'm a guest in his house. No, I think are you fucking kidding me? I'm holding a burp right now, you guys, because I love you and I love our listeners. When I know Griffin's coming to my house, I turn on a nice

sensei. I maybe select a scent, a scent cake to put in something I know he'll enjoy. When Griffin goes and tries this house, tries his burps in his face and shouts dominance. Yeah, I will not be bullied. Yeah. All right. Burpers, you might stand up. I think it's an old fashioned, you might as well be telling me about how you're going to get a phosphate down the stator fountain with and then pin a girl and go steady. We're adults. It's 2012. Burp, if you want to, you shouldn't be offensive. It's an archaic rule. What are you talking about? How does it upset anyone? You burp so hard once my beer fell over. How does it affect anyone other than being children and giggling at it because it burps? Because it smells like all the food you've eaten. Burp loud. Burp proud. How far do you

extend this? Like, do you shit in your hands and throw it at people? No, gobble that up. Gobble that up. Pretend I'm Gina Davis. Like, what are you? No, because I also don't burp in people's faces. I don't sneak up behind them while they're napping and burping their ears out of the can, so that would be hilarious. You would excuse yourself to the corner to defecate it like some sort of beast. Is that what you're saying to me? Listen, one step at a time. Travis, some of us are trying to live in a society. Right. Over here. Yeah, and I'm trying to make this society safer with people with my disease. You're saying, you're saying when you make it sound like you're throwing up invisible vomit? It's because it's for a fucking cause?

You're making a point? Well, no, it's because I enjoy burping. It's the, okay. Travis is on the march of grimes. Oh, man. You are horrible. Um, eat better. It just eat better. Just treat yourself better with fried rice. Me? Yeah. Okay. Do you know what's going to help you afford all the organic free range stuff that you need to keep your tummy gurgles under control? What's that? The Money Zone. I got this message. It's from urgent message, sir. Urgent message from across the wires, from boyfriend Dan. This one's going out to Becky. He says, happy birthday, Becky. Here's a slow jam for Becky. Here's a slow jam for Becky. I'll make love to you, my boys, to men. So you got me hooked on ma-bam-bam from the first time we talked, so I figured there's no better way to wish you a happy

birthday than a shout out from the McElroy brothers. The last three months have been the best ever, and I've got to, got to, got to. You get the idea. He says, and here's to more ahead. Love you. They're in love. You get it. Blah, blah, blah. Listen, listen, listen. Either you're in love and you feel intimidated, or you're not in love and you feel lonely. Nobody needs to. How did we, how did we serve as the inception of a romance? How did that? I don't want to know. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how you connect it to, you know, there's this great show with three real ass brothers talking about eating celebrity defecations. Do you want to go out again or what's up? Are we, am I good? To be fair, I want to make it clear that we're not talking about eating

their poop recreationally. I can't talk about it again. I'm sorry, I keep bringing it up. It's like a scab that I can't pick at, but I can't eat. Thank you, Billy Crystal, for your scab. Scott Braggen. This is from Britty. This is the message. Travis, read it. Skye's turning 26. He is an amazing drummer, but also incredibly multi-talented. He has mad art skills and is returning to school to get his BFA. He skydives on the weekends and his fourth Q in a keto. But first and foremost, Scott is one of my closest friends and it's very fun to be around. Lots of love. Well, that's nice. I'm glad you guys are, are pals and, and Scott. I'm glad that Scott is doing Skye a keto. Scott kind of makes me feel a little self-conscious, honestly. There's doing a

lot of, he's doing a lot. You got a lot going on, you know? I don't really enjoy that. Scott, you should stop drumming. Stop drumming and maybe with the martial arts. I want to feel better. Cut back, go to like second Q. Yeah. There's one way for me and Scott to settle who's the best, by the way, Scott. And we're going to play Outlast. Now, here's Outlast. I talked with Thomas who built Outlast and, and it is my new favorite idea for a, a iPhone game. So you guys know, you guys know hands on a hard body, you know, that idea where it's a, oh yeah. Do you tell? Where a bunch of people put their hands on a truck or car. Oh yeah. And, and then the car drives off and then the car drives off and they're like, wait, my hand. No, the last person to leave their hand up with. So Outlast is,

is a game like that. It splits your iPhone screen into a red half and a blue half. Both people put a finger or thumb on the screen on their half and then the game starts and the game is only who leaves their finger or thumb on the longest. If you try to jostle it, you both lose. Now, I know just do it and then like burp in their face. Burp in their face and they're like, oh, I gotta get out of here. And if they leave it off, take it off, they'll lose. Now here's where it gets really fantastic. If they, before the game starts, each person logs into their Twitter account, if they have Twitter, each person logs into their Twitter account and writes a tweet for the other person. And if that person loses, that tweet is instantly deployed with no. Oh, shit. Right. So that's

the newest Twitter account. I log into mine and then I write something that Griffin will tweet if he loses. Like, can't wait to eat Gina Davis's poop. Yeah. Something like that. Spoiler alert, we're both writing that. Yeah. So yeah. Or you can play for whatever stakes you want. But I think the idea of Twitter stakes are pretty fantastic. You can get it on the App Store to search for Outlast. It's 99 cents. But what I would also recommend is that you follow Can't Outlast on Twitter because it retweets messages from people who lost the game and, hey, if you want, put mbmbam in your penalty tweet so we can see that you punished somebody and then we can celebrate because what we like more than anything is people antagonizing in their

name. Now, I don't know if they'll be able to crushing people. Yeah. And really, really tearing them down. Whatever sort of artifice of pride or ego they've built up just to really dismantle from as small as possible. Now, Griffin, if you and Travis went up in this game in Outlast, say you're buying it right now, who would win? Between Travis. There's just one iPhone. Only one person needs this and two people will play it in person. I've been kind of quiet while we talked about this and it's actually because when Travis said I could burp in their face then they have to quit and I couldn't stop thinking about just how miserable an experience that would be. So I think he would have the psychological edge over me. Are you saying you

maybe wouldn't even enter into this particular thunderedome? For fear of... I would do it just a matter of pride but I think I would have him physically because I can go longer without eating sewage but Travis can turn that sewage into power. But I'm also very easily distracted. That is true. That's true. If he gets bored with it, you know, if he's like, oh, a butterfly, then you could have the win. He's out. Because I'm gonna try to catch that butterfly. Yeah. You need two hands to do that. What would your tweet be, Griffin, for Travis, if you beat him? It'd probably just be a bunch of racial slurs. Just one after the other. Just one after the other and a nonsensical chain.

I really want to paint with a broad brush and make sure that he really offends every people group on the planet. Do you know 140 characters worth of racial slurs? Do you? You think you could do it? Go ahead. Oh, let's see. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. No, I'm going to stop Griffin from doing that. By the way, that's outlasted. It's 99 cents. Get it. I'm going to start Griffin, stop Griffin from listing all these racial slurs. With a ball gag, I bought an extremestromes.com for exactly this scenario, extremestromes.com. Now, which ball gag are you going to go with, Justin? Because I've been researching this because I might buy a bunch of them for a play I'm doing. Uh-huh. And you can get a training ball gag, which is smaller than

normal ball gag, just to get you used to it. And it's got a little bit of strawberry flavor, just to make it a little more, is that accurate? Well, and it's breathable, so it's got the holes in it. Well, that's it. What are you doing? Well, it's just for training. It's to get you used to it. And then there's one that, you know, expands and you can pump it up. And the one that's like more of a leather wrap kind of deal. Sure. It's a huge variety of ball gags at extremestromes.com. There's a huge variety of pretty much every the fuck thing at extremestromes.com. Masturbation toys, they got them. Penis pumps, they are there. It's their bag, baby. Yeah. It's their bag, baby. Yeah. Do you guys remember that? Do you remember that good from Austin Powers?

Austin Powers. Man, that was a good one. You want to get it. Very nice. Great success. Peanut butter jelly time. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. They got sex age. They got swings. Sex age. They got miss sex aids. Oh, I don't want that. Not that horrible. They have the fun kind of sex age. Okay. They have basically everything you could ever want. And you you and some stuff you might not even realize you won't yet. And some stuff, let's be honest, terrifies the shit out of you. Yeah, it'll make whatever weird thing you're into seem like comparatively super super red. It's a fun, it's a fun environment. Go over there and experiment. And when you do, use the coupon code. What's the coupon? It's middleist. Middleist. Use the coupon code middleist to

get 20% off. M-I-D-D-L-E-S-T-T. I think that's part of the fun is going on that roller coaster ride to realize just what your limits are, you know, and you go in and you say, oh, scented flavored lube. That sounds cool. You know, a vibrator. That, oh, that seems pretty fun. The showstopper dildo. Okay. I think I've, I passed it a little bit. Let's backpedal a little bit and get back to territories where we feel fine. Exactly where I'm comfortable. So that dildo. There will be something there that you're comfortable with. A dildo candelabra. I think I know. Thank you. I think we can hang. And after you check it out, when you find a product you really like, go back to the site and we're ready to review for it. You know, make sure that you say, this was awesome. I love

the dildo. Unless, unless you can't because you're too busy getting stuff. Oh man. My lady friend's sister got knocked up by a questionable suitor from your hometown. That's Huntington, West Virginia. We're headed to the wedding next month and seek your guidance for things to do in Huntington that don't involve feigning confidence in the unholiest of unions. That's from Andy and Kindle. God, I think the better question is what can't you do? Yeah. We've prepared a musical number for just this situation. Here we go. You ready? Get drunk. Well, Griffin is correct. There are quite a few drinking establishments in Huntington. Just to name a few, you got our favorite stumblers too, still stumbling. Real bar, Google it.

There's Peckers. Is Peckers still around? No, Peckers is now a teen nightclub. Is it? What? It is. Because it was, it was, this is the God's honest truth. It was a Christian themed nightclub, right? Called like Lamb of... Oh, what was it called? David? No, Lamb of Babylon? Lamb of Fun? Fuck. No, there was Club Babylon City of Sin. That still exists. Which was an adjunct of the Pearl Ultra Lounge. Those were both in the same building, but two different. And that was the former Renaissance bookstore. Former Renaissance bookstore and for a short time jazz club. You got The Thirsty Whale, which you, and the Off the Shoulder Gentlemen's Club. Of course. You can go to Hanks. Hanks. Marks. Dave's. St. Mark's Place. I've recently been

informed by Google that there's a place called Jack Hammers on Route 60, so make sure you get out there. You go to Driftwood or Stonewall. Yeah. Huntington's Two Gay Bars. Jack Hammers, maybe a third one. For Huntington's Two Gay People. It's a perfect fit. They each have all the, all the space they can want. No, they're, they're populous. No, no, no. What else? Hyphy. You go to Hillbilly Hot Dogs. Just get yourself a Snuffy Dog with Cheese or Huntington Prime if you're looking for some little fancier. Little fancier. You could go stare in the windows of the closed-down theater. Which one you ask? Ah, take your pick. Take your pick. You can visit the burial place of Soupy Sales. I don't, is he dead? Is he dead? He is dead.

You go stare at the river for hours. Also, you're on a lot of meth at the time. Yeah, right. You could buy meth. Oh, buy meth. You can make meth. Yeah, sure. You can fight the ears. You should jump in that river and just, because you'll die. Just let it take you. Yep. Let it take you down. And I think those are all the things. So, enjoy. Have a great trip. Make sure to look me up. There are tours by my home. Ghost tours. Ghost tours by my home three times daily. Just as near a hospital. There's a lot of spectral activity up there. Yeah, I will take you on a ghost tour of some of Huntington's number one most haunted places. Ever tell you guys that story? I took a ghost tour in Savannah where you go around the local

locations. And really, it's just an excuse to stop by local bars and you drive around in a giant hearse and you stop at local bars and you get out and you buy some. Even if they're not haunted or supposedly haunted, you can still buy alcohol because Savannah has the open containers. And you get all the spirits. You get all the spirits you want, right? So, you get to travel and travel around. And at one of these breaks, at one of these beer breaks, the driver is talking to my father-in-law and he said, where are you guys from? And we said, West Virginia. And he said, yeah, there's a prison there in West Virginia that is supposedly haunted, right? And my father-in-law Tommy says, yeah, apparently it's one of the most haunted places in America. And the guy,

I shit you not, says, well, most haunted is difficult to quantify. Is it, is it, sir? If a place, if a place had a ghost in it, it would become the most haunted place in the world. Yeah. One, one very like bold ghost that was just like, I'm here. They stopped by anytime. They will trot that out though. Oh yeah, this is the most haunted. This is the most haunted per square foot. We got a thousand ghosts a foot. Yeah, they're so many ghosts. They're all real crammed in like sardines. Can't walk from one end to the other without hitting the ghost. It's really tricky. Sorry, go ghost. Go ghost my throat. Sorry. Sucked up some ghosts. I'm going to have some real bad Rio tomorrow, but that's tomorrow's problem. We actually had to

build an annex onto the prison just to house all the ghosts. You don't even know where they're coming from this point. You know what I love about this fucking podcast? What's that? I can say things like eating ghosts give you diarrhea and nobody will even notice or comment on it. That is the 53rd craziest, most awful thing that has been said in this episode. Right. It's like no big deal. Go to Rio. Sometimes I feel like we've put enough material out into the world because there are so many layers of it of where people will have to sort of absorb, peel apart the onion of upsettingness and they will never really notice how upsetting each episode is. I think we've upset things enough basically. Whenever somebody like tweets about like that

they're just like slam jamming episodes and they're going to watch like listen to like a hundred episodes in two weeks, I have to imagine they've got to be having just the fucking trippiest dreams. Yeah. It's just got to be a weird couple weeks of a very leaving Las Vegas sort of experience. That's the one with the cage, right? Yeah, they put the kid in the cage and then they... No, Nick Cage. Like the implementation of the containers of ghosts. Sorry, Griffin, you were going to say? I was just saying I had the kid in the cage and... No, I got it. So how about one more Yahoo? Yeah, let's do it. It was sent by Josh Dykes. Thanks, Josh. It's by Yahoo Answers user Anon21 who says,

would you love your child if they turned into a snake? No, I think of a child... Wait, wait, wait. Your... Can the child turn back? Yeah, is it permanent or is it like an animal? See, I think that that not... Well, first off, everybody knows that if an animal or stays in his animal for longer than 60 minutes, they're stuck with that animal forever. I'm not saying he would remain the snake, Griffin. I'm saying that he becomes a snake. And that one hour window, would you still love him? That's true. I feel like the uncertainty of not knowing, you know, is my kid ever going to be a kid, a human kid again? Does he still have the mind of a human or is he all snake? Oh my God, can you imagine? Snake? He's got

mind of a human. Yes, of course, you still love him, but if he's all snake, he's going to bite you if you try to love him. Oh my God, but it's... Snake body. If he has the mind of a human... That's what I'm saying. Snake body, snake, teeth, and venom, but the brain of a human being... But they were getting into fucking Kafka shit, and if he's got the mind of a human, then he's still like your boy. He spirals himself around your arm and it's like, oh, nice, you're trying to give me a hug. That's really grody. Can you please get off me? I realize you're my child. Can he still speak English or is he only speak snake? Is he a parcel tongue? I think it might... What's worse, that people do that or people who do treat their

snakes like their children. Oh. Because there are those people too, and I don't want to be mistaken for one of them. I think I'd rather have a snake that was always a snake, because I might have a snake that used to be a child. Well, yes, Trep. That is not an option that has been afforded to these poor people. I wish you were a snake all along. That's not it. The gypsy's curse is... No, I'm saying that I'm saying that given there is a difference, because if... There's a difference between a snake that's been a snake... It might have ghost memories. There's the biggest difference, Travis. You're talking about the difference between buying something at the pet store and seeing your progeny transformed into a reptile. But you asked what's the difference between

which worse. There's nothing... There's nothing worse. It's not even up for grabs. You have to watch your child become stale and cylindrical. That's the worst. Well, what about the people that have monkey babies? Which one's the worst? Gay monkey treating like a baby or having a baby and having it turning into a monkey? Wait, are you saying people who have monkey babies buy monkeys and then treat them like the babies and put them in diapers and shit? Yes. Those people are the pits. They are the worst. I want both of you to imagine you have a son or a daughter. Okay. All right. No, let's go with a son. Okay. And it's turning into a snake. Let's cut the abstraction. Okay. Cut the abstraction, you guys. Your kid just turned into a snake. Step one,

what do you do? How big a snake? Up to you. Could be a corn snake. Could be a king rattler. I'm gonna go with a bow constrictor. Okay. Travis, what would you do first? What's the first thing you do? I'd probably kill it. Okay. It's abomination against man and go. Okay. Okay. On the next episode of True Blood, it's short. It's a short up. Well, here's what I need to know. Okay. I bet this is one of those things I just couldn't know beforehand. Okay. When I kill it, does it turn back into a kid? Oh, that's bad. Then I got to deal with the cops. Yeah. Yeah. Just real quick, I want to back up to True Blood. Would that show be as popular if instead of vampires, they were snakes? I think it would be, it would still be a pretty good show. Yeah, it's just, okay.

That was sustained. Okay. Because everybody does know when you get bit by a snake, you do turn into one. Yeah, but it's the slowest fucking process. That is the plot of the Bible. You may, you may recognize that as the Bible, what the Bible is about. Thank you guys so much for listening to our podcast. It's called My Brother, My Brother, Me, and it's in theory an advice show. Thank you to people who wrote into us in physical, physical space. We got one from, we got, yeah, I know, we got a postcard from Zena. We got another postcard from Jenelle and Jen, and we got a postcard from, and then we got a letter from Eric Bailey that just says he enjoys our work and is grateful

for our talent. I also got another postcard that had a delightful picture of three mountaineer men that compared us to them that I thought was very funny, but it's not my fingertips right now. If you want to write us, it is P.O. Box, just do Justin McRoy, P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 2506, and we will check that out, and it makes my day to have something, send anything you want. When you go to the post office to get your mail, do the people there look at you like you're like a big deal? Yeah, they say like, wow, this guy looks kind of famous. How long do you think before they like they hand you a big canvas sack that says fan mail? Or how long before you walk in there and they're like, hey, something you're set off the anthrax

alarm? Your box exploded. Yeah. Thank you to people. Hey, man, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. It looks like your box exploded. Yeah, someone sent something, a big box said cookies on it, but I don't think you had cookies in it because goddamn box exploded, man. Poor Larry the cable guy. He's had a bad run, man. Hey, man. That box of cookies really got her done. Boy ain't right. What? Amherst man, people to tweet about the show, Jordan Snyder, Joey Blanton, Kat, Tyler Matheson, Oscar Gomez, Mondrial, D. McRitt, Evan is awesome, Indie Mike. Thank you guys so much for tweeting about the show. Use the NBNBAM hashtag if you do that and we'll be sure that we read all those pretty

obsessively. Also, might I suggest following and maybe this is go should be to suggest following it, but I would suggest following NBNBAM wisdom at NBNBAM wisdom. They that that account retweets quotes from our show and they make us sound very nicely tweeted at me to say that after I accused them of stealing all of our jokes, like the Carlos, I think I called them the Carlos Mincia of Twitter. They tweeted at me to inform me that that is not what they were doing, which I guess nullifies the crime. I guess we're all okay now. So thank you to everybody who tweets about the show and thank you to everyone. Griffin, are you certain it's not Carlos Mincia?

It may be, in fact, Carlos Mincia. The email address for our show is NBNBAM at maximumfun.org while you're typing those letters in. Why not copy and paste the maximumfun.org part? Go listen to other shows like Throwing Shades. Podcast yourself, Jordan Jesse Goebbels, I judge John Hodgman, and go to the forums. And Memory Palace. And Memory Palace, it's there. It's in the family. I want to thank John Rodger because in the long winters for the use of our theme song, it's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. When I edit the episode, I just sort of drop it in. I don't really listen to it, but I gave a listen to the episode. I think maybe the last one we did. Man, goddamn, that song is so good. It's such a high energy way to start

to show. And just thank you guys for letting us use it. Our show wouldn't be the same with any other song. And also release another album. What the fuck, guys? What the fuck? And put us in the liner notes. This final, yeah, who was sent in by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. Our picture, just a tasteful song. Yeah, who answers user. Like a full song, like one whole cover, you know? Just their face on the record. So when it spins around in the record player, you will see our face. Change the name of the band. Call the record, my brother, my brother, and me. Change the name of the band to the long macaroys. This, uh, to this final, yeah, who was sent in by Emily Wall. Thank you. And it's by answers user Jonathan, who asks,

help my computer is playing Jackie Chan adventures and I don't know why. I'm just back. I'm Travis McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me kiss your dad school.