My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 119: Drop the Beat, Francis

Episode Date: September 10, 2012

Which football team has the best ball-runners? Which quarterback's arm is the hottest? Which catcher's got the stickiest hands? Who's got the drive, the hunger for touchdowns? Tune in for our sage-like Fantasy Footbal Tips. Suggested talking points: Final Fantasy Football, Don't the Don't, Bide'd, Bareback, My Last Husband, Birthday Break-Up, Dad's Emojis

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, your home for the best in fantasy football recommendations, strategy, and buds. Now, Justin, correct me if I'm wrong because I know very little about fantasy football, but would you say that the best choice for a quarterback would be a football unicorn?

What does that even mean, Travis? Like a unicorn that's been genetically engineered to be good at football. What? Okay, there's so many problems. I don't even understand. Because it's fantasy football, that's the good thing here because it's fantasy. There's fantasy creatures you're saying, could you have Bahama as your tight end? For example. Yeah, that probably would have been a better opening, Goof. Would it be difficult to balance the sport? Should Ragnarok be your kicker? That's possible, yes. I think that balance is always going to be your big problem with

any fantasy league. How do you separate the men from the boys from the dragons from the chimera? But really, that is sort of the core tenet of the draft, isn't it? I mean, that's why the draft exists. Even big spenders like the Middle Earth Miradons, they can't just buy up all the good players. You got to take turns to pick them like you do in a draft. Somebody's trying to outflank you by picking, let's say, a griffin. You maybe have to sneak in there and get Maurice Jones drew. Yeah, that is the tricky part. Maurice Jones drew, by the way, is a ghost. We all know that, which is why he can play in both leagues. He's the day walker of football. He is the day walker. He is half-ghost and half-person.

Guys, tell me about your fantasy football teams this year. I actually have one in the Sweet Release fantasy football league. My team is called Touchdown Naby. Oh, that's good. That's good. Mine is pretty good. Can you somehow share the logo? Because it's the greatest thing I've ever seen. I don't know. I'll try to remember to put it in the forum. It's Maggie Smith being, it is the Dowager Countess being doused with Gatorade. Like you do, you know how sometimes when you win a football game, they douse you with Gatorade? Good work. Have this refreshment. It's basically that. Please enjoy this refreshment. My team is called the Mario Lopez Dispenser.

Do you think that that's a very good team name? Do you think that there's ever one guy who just finished a big ball game, and maybe he has been running a lot, and he's going to go get some Gatorade, and just as he's about to get some, he's like, wait, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to lie to you. That happens once a game, I feel like. I feel like every game there's that one guy who's like, oh, shit, what time is it? How much time is left on the clock? Do I have enough time to get in this? Man. And then you gotta wring out the coach's jacket. Yeah. And you have to go over to the other team who lost and be like, hey, I don't mean to rub it in. Real thirsty. Can I have some of that gate gate? Oh, you got an hour raid? Oh, never mind. Man,

I'm switching teams. You guys got, you guys got High Seer, you got Ecto Cool Wars? Oh, shit. You guys just hand out Capri Suns? You got the Lemon Twinkies? I'm switching teams. And as you know, I do not, I do not have a fantasy football team name because I tested positive in the random drug testing. Yeah. Now, I have to ask Travis. I have to ask why you thought juicing. Uh-huh. Here's where I'm confused. You're not actually the one playing the sport. There's it's very low contact activity. Well, I'll tell you what you are playing Griffin. Okay. Mine games. Okay. Okay. I'm not sure. Brain steroids. Okay. This podcast is basically brain steroids because it makes me so much smarter when you hear it. I tested positive for my brother, my brother and me.

I am so ashamed. I've been stripped of all my titles. He's on the bro. Did you hear he's on the bro? This guy's Baman over here. Call the commish. Call the commish. This guy's Baman. He's too good at life. The life commish will, will shut you down if you're Baman and they, and they discover it. So keep it secret. Keep it safe. But do tell a friend. On this show, we take advice and we give it to you. Okay. We take advice. We bury it in the ground for three years and it sprouts. It, we let the interest accrue on the advice in the smart bank. We put it in our brain wombs for nine months and then it gestates and then it comes out of our mouths. Ew. And then it consumes us and thus continuing the cycle. Here's our first question. Brothers, I desperately need your help

for the past eight years. I have been heavily addicted to diet Mountain Dew. I drink three liters a day. Whoa. Obviously, this is not a good thing. I've tried to quit in the past using other types of caffeine intake as a replacement, but I keep going back to that sweet, sweet dew. I can't drink coffee and other similar drinks taste gross to me. Any suggestions before my bones melt? That's from Overdoing the Dew. Here's the problem. And you know what the problem is. You are saying, this thing's killing me slowly, but God damn it. I love it. Like, I think you may be. I think you may be dumb. If you love it so much, just drink it. You really want to live a life without the dew? Listen, if it were bad for you, they wouldn't sell it, you guys. Oh, okay. It's such a good

point, Trav. I know. There's regulations for that. We have a little thing called the FDA. Yep. And if things are dangerous for you, they can't sell them. The Federal Dew Association. They're the ones that fucking took down my live wire. Thanks. Thanks, FDA. You're the fucking worst. Thanks, FDA. How am I supposed to get gized and play Halo? They're also the ones that shut down Josto. Yeah. Well, that one was. That was a good call. That was too much. That was for the good of mankind. There's too much Guarana. I vibrated so hard that I actually went through the mantle of the earth while drinking Josto. I actually don't. Whenever I make references to old energy drinks, I never know what the

threshold is for people. Yeah. Like, if I say Josto, are people going to be down with that? If I talk about Serge, are people going to be down with that? Man, Serge was so good. But the question is, like, now, if you compare that to, like, a Red Bull or, like, a Monster Energy drink, wouldn't you like drinking water? It's like grandpa tea. It's like nothing. It's nothing. I drank a Red Bull the other day and three of my teeth melted in my mouth. Just melted right there and it never happened when I drank Serge. I only lost one tooth. I think it, I mean, it's much like any addiction, right? Stop buying it. If you don't want to, if no one has ever thrust a diet mountain dew in my hand and be like, hey, bro, swish it down. And I've been like, yes.

All right, you guys. Can I get a note? Can I get a no urine guarantee? Nope. Okay. I'm not drinking this thing. Just don't buy it. And my advice to you is just to quit cold turkey because if you allow yourself, you know, the occasional treat, you'll never stop. Like, it'll just get you in the end. You know, I've known so many people, friends of ours that have, like, smoked since they were like 15 and then they quit for like 10 years and then one night out at a party. They're like, well, I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years. I've earned it. They have one and pretty soon they're like two back a day smoker again. So mountain dew is pretty much the same thing. But it's easier to quit mountain dew because I mean, if you're a smoker, you probably associate with

other people who are smoking. It's easiest thing in the world to say, hey, Dylan, you know, peel me off one of those coffin nails and let me get down down the flavor highway. Yeah. It's a very another it's another thing to be like, oh, man, that do looks refreshing. I'm going to drink fucking three of those today. Why don't you just why don't you just pass me that dew and you can have and I don't know what you'll do about it. But I don't I would just like to drink your dew please. You can't bum a dew. You've got to buy one. You just get like a bottle cap of dew. I just want the flavor. I just need to taste it. If you're going out to a bar and you know you're going to party all night, you don't go out and buy a pack of mountain dew in advance so that you

can enjoy it all night long. You know what I mean? Right. Let me hit you with this. Maybe you replace your diet mountain dew with mountain dew. Would that help? Would that help you? And you drink more of it. You know what? I say go for the record. I don't know what the record is on drinking out and doing one day, but it feel like you've been training for it for eight years and it's time to just go for it. That's it. That's it. Make your kids smoke. Like go for it. Smoke the whole pack. Drink all the mountain dew. Bring yourself out in one day or maybe go into a diabetic coma. But now it's diet mountain dew. He's going to be fine. Either way, you're going to stop drinking mountain dew because you'll either be sick of it or dead. Or dead. You'll just be vibrating with

whatever chemicals they put into it to get that that flavor. You know what? I have a great suggestion. There's a there's a flavored vodka called Mountain Dewed D-O-O-D that you can that you can get that is meant to taste like mountain dew. So maybe try that. Why are you giving out why are you maybe maybe switch that in and then drink like three liters of that a day. Drink like three liters of mountain dew flavored vodka. Maybe toss some Boone's Farm into the mix. Maybe you're really going to love the way that treats you. Three liters of that a day and you'll be right as rain. Acid rain. You're going to die. You could do what our friend Jason did and just wrestle a two-liter of mountain dew to the ground and chug it and then throw up all over the place. Yeah, that happened once.

I mean, is it that bad? Yeah, yeah. It's just super bad. Three liters of anything a day is bad. Water. Yes. You'll get water poisoning. I don't think you guys know how much liters are. Here's what's crazy. Three liters is one and a half, two liter bottles of something in a day. You're going to lose. That is from waking up in the morning to going to bed at night. All you're doing is drinking mountain dew. Yeah. A hundred ounces of water. That is only a few ounces over the daily recommended amount of water. Yeah. Why do you think they recommend less than that? For God's sake. Yeah. I don't think there's a limit. Like if you drink over this much water, you're going to be poisoned. There is in the wasteland. You guys are crazy. I just don't think

it's that bad. Just, I mean, maybe cut back. Here's the problem. You got to roll it back slow because you're going to lose a lot of bladder mass. If you go from three liters of mountain dew a day to zero liters of mountain dew a day, your bladder is going to look like a floppy. It's going to look like an elephant's ear in there and you don't want like you need to upkeep that. I think you roll it back to maybe 2.5 and then 2.25 and then you slowly back. Do you see what I mean? And don't be concerned when your pee is no longer electric green. That's normal. It's not going to be fun, but I want to just dip in here real quick and say that according to Mayo Clinic, an adequate intake of water from in is three liters a day. So Justin,

there's no place here for your science. So that is the thing. I say swap out one liter for water and just see how it treats you. If you can get up to where nobody's drinking enough water, that's a fact. That's a fact. I don't, nobody does. If you drink all that mountain dew but with water, oh man, you're going to feel good. You're going to have the advantage over everybody. Can I talk about real quick right now? I'm drinking tea and I'm not a tea drinker. I'm drinking Wild Berry Zinger from Celestial Seasonings, mostly because all of the like the past six words that I said just then were like among my favorite words ever. But I'm drinking it right now because I'm so hungover and literally no other substance

sounds good to put in my body. Interesting. That's a very personal story, Griffin. Thank you for sharing. I'm just saying. It's a very personal and un-entaining story. Listen, you don't understand what I'm saying to this gentleman. Clearly. You get super drunk. You get super drunk and you'll never want to drink anything ever again except shitty Celestial Seasonings tea. You know what I like? I'm into that chai tea. Oh yeah. That's what I like. This question is boring and the answers are even more boring. Just stop drinking mountain dew. Just stop it. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Look in your podcast eyes. Do you want us? We can shame you. Just stop it. You want to have a real addiction? Ray Charles quit heroin and smoking simultaneously.

That's an addiction. You don't have an addiction. You have habits. Stop drinking it. Start doing heroin. Start doing heroin. Listen under Ray Charles. You should be doing that anyways. Get that dew off your back and get a monkey on your back. Get yourself a proper addiction like a grown-up. And then get a monkey and train him to slap the mountain dew out of your hand. Oh my god. See, that's a good suggestion. Griffin, can you give me a yahoo? I can do that. I'm disgusted. Yeah, sure, sure. For myself. This yahoo answer was sent in by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. That's by yahoo answers user the Christ puncher. Jacob. The Christ puncher who asks. We've had questions from the Christ puncher before. Probably. How can I make horse not

bided the cow? Three days ago, horse named Derrick bided the cow my dad have. Three days ago, horse named Derrick bided the cow my dad have. Then the cow, not tell nobody, have big problems. Infection. The cow died. That horse make to the cow died when he abided him. How may horse stop bided things? You know, it's such a common problem. Listen, cows tell somebody. Yeah. When this happens, you're the victim. See something, say something. Yeah. No one's gonna turn you into ground beef. They're gonna believe you. You got bided. Well, nobody wants to eat ground beef if it has big problems vis-a-vis infection. FYI, when someone says they got bided, I assume that they got played a prank on by Joe Biden. I don't think that

has a colloquial. Have you seen the latest season? You got bided. Have you seen the latest season of bided? He's back. He's back. He's better than ever. I saw him pull a fast one on Nick Cannon. And Nick Cannon was like, what? He was like, bided. And just before he does the prank, he says, I'm just biding my time. Yeah, he did say that. It's funny. He says, biding my time and not biding. So it's like almost a pun. It's weird. And he's like chewing a clock. It's like the fucking strangest thing. It's a really good show. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's a pretty good show. It's produced by the same guy that said, then who's your daddy, where the girls try to figure out who their fathers are. So it's got a good pedigree.

Oh, um, so don't let your horse near your cow. Yeah, here's the house. I'm gonna fucking separate it. Yeah. Why do you have them in the same house? Cows live in houses. Oh yeah, cow houses, houses. Travis, what? Go away. We can't reduce ourselves in portmanteau. Once we've retreated to the bastion of comedy via neologism, then I think we're pretty much sunk. Okay. Um, I am chastised. Well, you're, you're travertised. Can we put a ball and gag in this horse? A man in the iron mask style horse mask. Do you kind of ask you guys a question? Yeah. Do you feel like this hasn't been very funny so far? What, this question of this episode? No, I'm upset. I feel like we're nailing it. What do you think has been like the funniest part?

No, we talked about fantasy football. We, we all sort of brought out all of the final fantasy summons that we knew. That was, that was probably the highlight for me. That was pretty good. Justin, what's your favorite part so far? What I wanted to do was remind people that there weren't some good things in there because I feel like they might be trying to get, they might start to get weighed down with how we have it said to me. No, and you know, there probably are those people that, you know, they hold up the stopwatch and they time it out. Every time they google, they reset it, you know, just to see, just to see if it would break that 10. How many giggles per minute? Yeah. If it maybe hits that 10 minute mark, maybe you go

turn it off. Maybe you go listen to the new WTF. Like that's, I'm sure that's, that's a thing that people are doing and that's, you know what, that's fine. I like the challenge. But I think there's probably an even larger number of people that simply haven't turned it off because both of their hands have the vacuum in it. So they figure, well, that's true. I'll just, I'm sure it's going to jerk off. Now let me just ask real quick. What kind of vacuum, what kind of broadsword vacuum are these people using that they need two hands to wield its mighty power? A dust layer. Yeah. They're using, they're using the Dyson. Oh, I see. What, one hand to sweep and the other hand to jerk off. I was going to say jerk off. I was going to say jerk off too. So

we can all agree that there are people out there listening to our show jerking off and then vacuuming up their jizz. This is the thing that's happening. They call it, they call it back in it. Oh, okay. They call it, not back and off. Thanks Travis. Okay. Thanks. What, thanks. You guys. Thanks. How about another question? How about another Yahoo? That one was, that one wasn't good. Let's try a different one. This one was, I found it's by the Christpuncher who asks, should NFL teams have to reserve a roster spot for a horse? I think it is the least the NFL could do to honor the horse and quite frankly, America. After all, they sing that song before each game. Why not have a horse on each team? Does the NFL hate America or something?

Wow. Why is Christpuncher so obsessed with horses? Why aren't you? Why are we? Fair enough. More accurately. We love them. How wasn't there a movie in which like a horse was like the kicker for a team or something? Am I making it up? It was a donkey named Gus. How do you know that? I love the work of that fucking, who's that? Who's that son of a bitch from Andy Griffith? Don't help him. I'm not going to tell you. Not Don Adams, but the guy, his name is like Don Adams. Don Cheadle. Don McLean. No, he's got like a rubber face and he's like, Don Draper. No, Don Draper. I think it's Don Draper. No, it's, and it's not Don Adams. Randy Griffith. Randy Griffith. Is it Randy? Randy Griffith. He played Barney Fife. Yes, Tandy Griffith.

It's not Tandy Griffith. He played Barney Fife. Who played Barney Fife? Barney Griffith. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. Sidney. Sidney's here. Who played Barney Fife? If I was a real quick aside while Justin is talking, getting a phoning a friend, I'm just saying that if I was a male stripper, my name would be Randy Candy Griffith. Don Knotts, you motherfucking assholes. Sorry, you just got faced by my memory. You got bided. You just got bided because I remembered is Don Knotts. We got running backs. We got quarterbacks, halfbacks, fullbacks, wide receivers, tight ends,

safeties. Thank you. That's the name. There you go. That's the, you got, and then you can probably swap out one of the running backs of the bareback. Here's the question. Can the other running back mount the horse and ride it into the end zone? Because that horse has no other means to carry the ball, you know? Yes, but the trick is it also works in the reverse. The horse can jump on his back. My problem with football is there's no strategy. So I think that this will finally introduce a layer of strategy where, you know, do I get on the horse now? Is this the right moment? Is he going to buck me off? Is this the right horse? This is the right horse for me. Will this horse and I fly?

I need to shop around. Should I check out other horses first? Is it too early to make a commitment? Well, we have a bond. Will somebody else in this team, do they have the potential to maybe have a stronger bond with this horse? Is this even right for me? Oh, am I horse blocking someone? Yeah, you got to be careful. Is this even right for me to dominate one of God's creatures like this for transportation? Right. What will PETA think? How many horsepower is this horse? The answer is always one. What horsepower does it have? I don't think that's true. I don't think every horse is created equal. I know that that's a major blaspheme to drop on this, which is basically an equestrian podcast at this point.

At this point, it's basically an equestrian podcast. Yes. I think some are maybe half a horsepower. Maybe they're hard to find. Can you imagine if you were a horse and you were less than one horsepower? Yeah. That's got to be like the most embarrassing thing. Yeah. Yeah, because it's like, oh, this this card is just one horsepower to pull, so it may be a problem. But you got this side, your seven eighths horse. I bet you I'm going to need help. I bet you see biscuits was like 10 horsepower. Well, he had a heart the size of 10 horse hearts. Right. He actually had 10 horse hearts.

That's why it was bulging out. It was this it was grotesque. Why is that horse so lumpy? It's like the final scene in Akira. He was just he was just coming out of his nightmare. Yeah, it was nightmare. It was terrible. It was like a video game boss, just hearts pulsating out of his stomach. And when it when he died, all of his hearts exploded at once and turned them inside out. Yeah. God, it was horrible. And you guys have ever seen that movie, the cell when the horse gets the glass stuff drops on it and cuts it into like 20 pieces. Yeah. I'm just saying that's like a real bad way for a horse to go out that happened in a movie. Yeah, I don't think that that's ever really happened before.

The best way for a horse to die is to die peacefully in its bed at the ripe old age of 36, smoking a pipe surrounded by all its great grand horses. And he's had the the last rights delivered to him by a horse preacher. What's the option for defensive horses? Because it doesn't seem like it seems like you're going to get a lot of roughing the pasture there. Because you can't just tell a horse like, hey, he's already passed the ball. Don't go after him. I think that no kicking. I think or trampling is more what I'm concerned about. That's more of a horse's forte. Man, God help you if you drink the Gatorade before the horse gets there. They will be live. You have to just unscrew the top and let him get in there.

We dumped the oats on the coach. These are my victory oats and you dumped them on the coach. I was going to eat him afterwards. Can we he's got a fee for getting out of the way. Alternate rule set. Instead of having one spot reserved for the horse, I think that you don't have a special horse spot, but you do have the option to switch out as many of your human players for horse players as you see fit, which would be fun for like, if you're the Denver Broncos, you could go with a very, very literal rendition of that name. Maybe you have an all horse team versus an all human team and we finally fucking square that out. You know, guys, here's the thing though. This has already been prepared for the fucking Budweiser Clydesdales. Oh, you're right.

They've been out there playing ball for ages. They're like the Jackie Robinson of horses and football. And what's that? Who's officiating the game? It's a zebra because. Oh man. Can you believe they still won't allow horses in the Hall of Fame? I know. Yeah, it's just because they're not people and they won't show up to the ceremonies and they don't live long enough to go. And it doesn't mean anything to them to be accolated. There's a really any number of reasons. When they put their bronze head in, they just have one generic one because you can tell the difference. Yeah, I don't know. It's a race. I know, right? Well, and also their records aren't very good. You know what the longest catch, the longest reception for a horse wide receiver is?

I'm going to say none. No yards. It's not been done. No, you can't. Not physically possible catch at catching. Can't catch. There was sticky four hoof Malone who played for, I believe, the Raiders in 1991, I want to say. I was in preschool. Yeah, in 91. So anyway, they would coat the horse in tar. Right. And just sort of throw it real hard and hope that it would adhere. And his defensive strategy, they'd set that tar on fire and it was fucking horrible. Yeah. And also, that was the year of all of the dragging deaths. So that was a problem. They originally tried to use peanut butter, but he was literally devoured by the other horses within minutes. Yeah. It's simply, it simply was not the same. Do you guys

ever sometimes think like, oh, man, I want to live in this world that we've created with our imagination together? There is nothing I find more repellent than the world of our creation. There's no place I would rather out. There's no, you don't want to watch a sport where horses just sort of crash into each other like waves against like so many waves against the rocky shores of the Pacific Northwest of all the things to replace. I'd rather replace the members of Dave Matthews band with horses. Like that's the kind of that's where I'd like to see them at because you would look and like something about this band, it seems. I wonder how long it would take Dave Matthews to notice. Yeah. He would literally never. You really killed it. Horse violin player.

Wait a minute. If he hasn't noticed, if he hasn't noticed how his music sounds right now, I can't imagine he's gonna notice. He keeps getting to put on real pants. That should be enough. Yeah. If that horse can play a bassoon, it's not going to be an issue. He doesn't like labels. I have a question for you guys. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. The fact is I'm recently divorced. 29 year old woman as I begin to prepare myself for the dating world by focusing on my wonderful traits. I can't help but dread the idea of telling future suitors that I've been married before. My friend told me to refer to as my first husband, but I'm not sure that's the right approach. How and when do I tell the men out there that I've already walked down the aisle and that's for

hoping for a re I do. I would say away from the phrase first husband. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that. That sounds like you're praying mantis because what it sounds like to the person you say it to is and I'm looking for a second. Yeah. Or yeah, there's nothing you can't say previous. My previous husband. Oh, my last shit. Have you heard my last shit next? You could say like the scrub I was with before. Yeah. Yeah. That might be good. You really got to vilify. You really got to vilify your previous suitor. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah, you don't want you don't want this guy to ever question like who's the better husband or where did I go wrong or just roll up in first day be like it was all my fault. Yeah. Oh, no, wait a minute. That doesn't what would that

help? What would that fix exactly? Just lower the expectations. I don't. Okay. Once the guy's into you, I'm not sure that would be enough to like dissuade you from now when you say right when you say he's into her. Yeah. I don't mean fit. I don't. I'm not clear on what you're talking. Though that may be a good moment to tell the truth. Yeah, guess what? Hey, I know you're busy trying to cram, but let me just draw some truth on you right quick. I don't think that it I really don't think this would be a huge deal. No, it's not. It's not like 1932 anymore. Like who cares? Everybody. This is a good gate for you that this this is a good bar. It's like a built in bar that all of your future suitors have to clear because if they hear you say I've been

married before and they're not like mature enough to handle that information. Guess what? When by the time you're like 40, everybody's been married before basically and half of them didn't work out. So right you're not and first first marriage is never work out. Yeah. Everybody knows that. Hi, sweetie. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, baby. Sorry. I I really don't think it'll be but now when do you when when do you I think you got to go a few dates in before you drop that? Oh, definitely. No, I think you unless unless it comes up organically. I think you lead with it. And I think you can organically do it. Like, hey, Mark. Oh, I mean, Brian, sorry. Mark was my husband I had once. No, I mean, like if they ask like if they're like, so have you ever been married

before? Because as you said in this day and age, it's not uncommon. Why would you ask that ever? If you're just dating somebody, you're not going to mention marriage period. But you don't think that like prior relationships come up when you're getting to know someone getting to know someone. I'm saying like three dates and not before you do it right before you pork. Well, see, but this is but this is my question. Like for reels, can you bring it up in a way that you are not biasing the decision by being like, hey, we need to talk. I have to tell you. I went I looked up your records at the library and I have a sneaking suspicion that you were once legally entangled with a mark. No, I'm saying that from from this our question

askers point of view, like how does she bring it up casually without making it a big deal? Because it's not. But I worry that by bringing it up wrong, you could make it a big deal. If it's your first date after you've been divorced, it's a big deal, dog. Like it's got it is and you just got to just ram right through it and get through it. And if they say, oh, I'm not I can't handle that, then they just did you the service of bowing out of bowing out, you know, getting getting taking themselves out because they're not ready for you. They're not ready for your heat. Another good thing is when the guy asks you how long have you been divorced? Oh, look at your watch. I love that. What day is it? Good guy.

Hold on. Is this seven o'clock a.m. or p.m.? I can't tell because I find it really hard to focus right now. I just got divorced. All right. All right. Guys, girls, let the past go. If you're dating somebody, why did why does it even cross your mind how they spent the days before your time together? How is it different from like having ex-boyfriends? Now, I know that it is, but I'm just saying why shouldn't it be? You know, like you were in a relationship before the relationship ended. Like everyone has that story. I would also, but like, aren't you going to be curious as to why it didn't work? I mean, if you're the guy, you know, dating a girl who got divorced,

how much prying into that is like acceptable? Oh, no, I think you totally get to ask, but not for like six dates. You think six days before you're allowed to say like, ah, where did where did it go wrong? Yeah. So like, what happened? And then you think like nine dates, you can start making sort of snide remarks. Like, oh, I bet this is why Mark got in his Jetta and went away. And then like 12 dates and you're lonely again. Yeah. We had a good run though. And maybe 15 dates. You, uh, you just get, you get a little drunk on Mountain Dude and you call both Mark and Brian and you put them on a three-way call and you just give them both a piece of your mind. And you suggest a three-way. And then maybe, uh, 50 first dates with Adam Sandler.

Brian, tell Mark what you're doing different from what Mark did. Cause Mark's always asking, where did he go wrong? I like Brian better. So Brian, tell Mark what you, what you're doing that's so much better. I'm just going to cut out the middleman and let you two hash it out so that he can be better than you ever were. Yeah. Fight for my honor. Will you two fist fight each other? I have a, I used to be married. Oh yeah. What happened? Well, I'm going to trick you into killing my husband. So, I mean, my tense is optimistic. Let's put it that way. I used to have a husband and if you want to get lucky tonight, I'm going to need you to go to his house and burn down or something. Just make it look like an accident. I really want this to work

between us. Are you a Sagittarius? This is great. This is great bisque. Thanks for taking me to Fizzoli's. Have you guys had Fizzoli's new bisque? Yeah, the ravioli bisque. So Greg, you dip, you, it's, you just dip that stupid, wet, stinky ass bread up in it and then you soak it. You wring it out like a squeegem right in your mouth. And then you propose murder. And yeah, did you just say you want, if something were to happen to Brian, wouldn't be completely unaroused? Put it that way. I would not become more flaccid inside or whatever the female equivalent of placidity is. My vagina is fully erect right now. Griffin, female arousal is a myth. Let's go to the money's end. Who's this message for? Well, Michael Williams. So glad

you asked Griffin. Who's it from? Well, Sarah Bags. She says, happy birthday to my awesome fiance who's turning the big 3-0 on September 9th. Oops. He is the greatest guy ever. Sorry, I missed it. He's the greatest guy ever and he loves ma-ba-mem, which he introduced to me so on my work commute wouldn't suck. So that's from Sarah to Michael, Big Mike to his friends and co-workers. Captain Mike. Captain Mike, they call him. Mike Rofone. They call him Mike sometime. Big Willie. Mike. Big Willie style. Because his last name is Williams. Michael Williams. Mike the bike. Mike the bike. It's his big day. Hey, boss cock. Boss cock, Michael Williams. I just gave that dude a nickname that he's going to have forever. So Michael, you have any nicknames around

the office? I have one. I don't really like to talk about it. An internet gave it to me. An internet gave it to me. It is boss cock. Like boss hog? Yeah, I guess it's like it didn't. Yeah, I guess that's what they were going for. It wasn't a good episode. The internet was a little hungover when he said it. So it's, it probably made sense. The internet, one third of the internet took some Benadryl before the show because his allergies flared up. So he was a little out of it when he said boss cock, I think. Hey, do you guys love beats? All the beats. Rap and beats? Yeah, do you love rap? Wait, B-E-E-T-S? No, no, no, no. Not like, not like Killer Tofu. I mean, like rap and beats. B-E-E-E-E-E-T-S. Beats? Yes. I want to tell you guys about the

debut mixtape from our boy Jay Phonic. Oh, shit. Grammatisist, the Jay Phonic mixtape. You can get that for free at Jay, I know, at J-P-H-O-N-I-C mixtape.com. That's Jay Phonic mixtape.com. You can get it for free. It's, he's an alternative hip hop artist and friend of the show. It's his debut album and it's not only ultra dope, but it's also totally, completely free. It's got some nerdy songs, got some West Coast flavor, I think, is in there. It's completely sugar-free. And I've heard Jay Phonic on the, on the MIC, not to be confused with the M-I-C-H-A-E-L-B-O-S-S-C-O-C-K-W-I-L-L-I-A-M-S. That's Michael Bosscock-Williams you're thinking of. I'm talking about the M-I-C that you wrap into. Correct. But when he puts sounds from his mouth into that thing and they go through the

electronics and come into my ears, I like it. I like what happens. If you want to experience some bim-bam-related Jay Phonic heat, remember he did like two intros for us back in the day. Do you remember this? Yes, yes I do. He did at least one outro, I can't remember the episodes, but, but he's- Go back and listen to all of them and find it. Yeah, it's only, it's, I'm not going to lie, it's going to take 120 hours, but I think it's worth it. Happy birthday, Jordan. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Jay Phonic. Oh, are we not allowed to unmas- Did I just like unmas- Unmasked the luchador? You just like unmasked him, yeah. Shit. Go to JayFonicMixTape.com. You might as well tell everyone that Dead Mouse's real name

is Francis. Oh, shit. Francis, what are you doing on that stage? Ma, I'm trying to make some beats. That's not music. I, whatever happened to Rudy Valley? Ma, go home. You look like a big old cyber like Mickey Mouse or something up there. What are you doing? Ma, I told you I'm working. That ain't a job. Get back to the diner and help your father clean up the airbag and swap. He's not well and we're all waiting for the drop. Give it to us. Give us that high beat. That stinky drop. Give us that fat, nasty bass. We're all waiting for it. We all got, your grandpa is going to die before you drop that fat bass on us. Your, your cousin Skrillex would never make us wait this long for a fat, nasty drop. Oh, Jesus. Francis, my high is peaking. I'm about to come

down. I got my hands in the air. I'm ready. Drop it. Oh God. Your father worked all day to synthesize this X. My neon glow bracelets are losing the luminosity, Francis. Francis, they're closing the JCC at 7 PM. All these people have to get out. Just drop it. Drop the beat. Oh, this stupid practice. So do you like to stick things in your penis? How's your boss cock doing? How's your boss cock doing? Because boy, howdy. Do I have a site for you? It's extremestraints.com. To be fair, it also caters to middle management cocks. Yeah, whatever kind of, whatever kind of equipment you're working with down there, it has got you under control. If you like enema supplies, you want to get everything working out down there.

Is that part of your play? They've got it for you. Fetish clothing. You want to wrap yourself up in a latex or something? You can do that. They got sexy lingerie, too, for the ladies or the men who cares. Fucking machines. They've got them. We should have got a dick on a big ball. God bless. They've got everything. I love how the more we do work with our advertising partners at extremestraints, the more sort of laissez-faire approach to fucking we've begun to adopt. Just put that in. What do you just do it? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, it is reinvented my ideas of the norm. I literally do not exist anymore. You should open yourself up to some new stuff. Why not? Literally. Literally, open up your orifice and put some of the new in there.

I'm not joking, guys. Every time I go to extremestraints.com, it strikes me a lot. It must be working. It strikes you over and over again because that's the only way you can finish. That's true. I also imagine that working there is like a sex toy Willy Wonka shop, and the world of pure imagination. Come on, children. What's going on in there? I'm just saying that after a while, inside of you, you've got to not be so shocking that there's like a chocolate river and some oompa loompa. Ew, what's in there? That's getting weird. It started weird. It started weird. If you have the coupon code middleists, you can save 20 percent, M-I-D-D-L-E-S-T. You can save 20 percent there. It's all discreet.

And try something new. I'm behind the bed. There's something there that will knock your socks off. Yeah, they have the sock knocker offer. And the cock socks are not their offer. Did you say knock your cock soft because that may be a little too extreme. Get your rocks off. Get your rocks off by cutting your cock off. Do they have a sister site called Extreme Extreme Restraints? Or just possibly... They do have mild boring restraints. Fucking seriously, guys. No joke. These restraints are pretty goddamn extreme. If you go to boring restraints, you can tie yourself up with like what, spaghetti? Like tissue paper, promises. And then at extreme extreme restraints, a man will come to your house

and beat you to death. That website is actually... So find Happy Media at extremerestraints.com. Extreme extreme restraints. You can find it at abandonallhopeyehuinterhere.com. Oh, .net. They didn't secure the .com, right? What's your safe word? I don't know. They don't have those. They've got danger words. You just say it when you just want the pain to be over. Dear Brothers Macaroy. Help. A few months ago, I started dating this girl. She's cute and funny, but I'm just not feeling it anymore. So I think it's time to end it. We're not going to do it for you. That's what you're building up to. So let me cut you off there. My birthday's coming up this weekend. And she had been executing this elaborate plot of telling me one thing she likes about me

each day until my birthday. Oh, man. Oof. You really had... You couldn't keep this to yourself. You had to dump this on us and all of our listeners. Thank you. Culminating in some surprise. I don't know if it's better to end it now or wiser to wait. Help me out here. Confusion in Kansas. You've got a surprise coming your way. So do you. You've got a bright luck. I think that's the answer. Now every day tell her something you don't like about her and build up to a surprise I haven't been surprised by anything in probably 14 years. Probably since I got a PlayStation for Christmas and I didn't think I was going to get one. So to have a genuine surprise in your life, you got to play that out. Yeah, it's a bad... Because what if she will never tell you and then

it'll just haunt you forever? So what was it? Oh, I can't say. It'd be too hard. But what if the surprise is like, I got your name tattooed on me or like, I bought you this car. Well, that's... No, that one doesn't bother you as much. Not so much. This is what we call in the biz a bad beat. And if you end it now, it's just going to be rough. And it's not going to be... I mean, it's going to be bad, but I don't think it makes you the bad guy. Yeah, don't push the river here. You got to get out if you got the opportunity. You got to fold. You got to fold them. And don't chase them. No way to hold them. Don't chase that rainbow. Travis, if you finish that phrase, I don't know. I don't know what I'll do. No way to walk. I'm trying to stop. Yeah, it's really easy.

Can I also just give another suggestion? And it's actually more of an exclamation or perhaps an interrogative. Why are you breaking up with this girl? She sounds super sweet. Yeah, she sounds really sweet. It sounds like a real nice thing that she's doing. Yeah, I think she's probably pretty great. I would stick with it. At least so you find out what the surprise is. And if the surprise sucks, end it because of that and let her know that's why. Sometimes... Listen, I'm breaking down for you. Sometimes if you're with somebody for long enough, even if you don't like them at first and you spend a lot of time with them, then eventually down the road, you might find that you care about them.

Or at least that's what I keep telling my wife. Oh, Justin. I'm hoping that things are going to show. Bringing it down. We were having some goofs. We were making some laughs. And now they're dead. Hey, guys, can we, every time we do an episode, can we say what nice thing about each other? Just something sweet. Like Justin, your ceviche is the best ceviche I've had. And Travis, the muscles in your hands are really big. Thank you. Never made ceviche for you. I don't know why you would say things like that. You have made ceviche for me before. It's really good. I have not. I have not made ceviche for you. You made me ceviche shrimp once. I did not make you ceviche shrimp once, but thank you. You made, I fucking ate ceviche. Were those just raw shrimp? I was eating out of

your refrigerator. Did I tell you guys about the text that I got from dad? I got a text from dad. This is like three weeks ago. It was maybe 8 p.m. on a Saturday night. And I get a text from our shared dad that says, Triceviche. Just apropos of nothing. Matt, Clint's just like, hey, Triceviche. All right, dad. Like now putting it off. I was thinking you put it off. This is gone far enough. Triceviche. Do you think our dad, do you think he confused like his text message app and his notes app is like, I got to send this. I'm going to forget this. Got to put it in the cloud. Oh, fuck. That's good. Oh, man. I'm just so you guys know, of course, our listening audience won't be able to enjoy this, but just so you guys know, I'm not fucking with you. I'm going to send you

a screen cap that I just took. Here are the things that my dad texted me about. One, premiere dates for shows that we both enjoy. This can be helpful sometimes. So I appreciate that. Two, and I don't know if you guys get these two. I don't know if you guys are on this mailing list, but when somebody dies, like a celebrity dies, I always get a text message from dad. And it's always very, it's nice that he's almost the emotional pace car for these kinds of things, because he lets you know that he lets you know that, yes, this person did just die, but it's cool to to drop a goof in here. For instance, August 20th, 2012, and somewhere Fang is crying. What was that? That was a reference to, I think, Carol Channing dying,

maybe the Phyllis Diller dying. It was the reference to Carol Channing killing Phyllis Diller. Um, explain to me about hashtags on Twitter. Oh, how about this? Oh, this is a classic Jim. He's moving on up. Oh, that was a Mr. Jefferson dies. Priceless, priceless, priceless. So good. Dad doesn't text me. It must be lovely to have a close relationship with your father. Actually, I got a text about that said I'm not texting Trav anymore. He just used text me and calling me Travis Snow, and I don't know why. July 3rd, 2012. I hope Aunt B had him a big old pie waiting. Yes.

When Andy Griffith died. I got this on August 10th. Big thumbs up on new pizza place. That's that. That's not somebody dying. No, but it was really random. We're not spoken about a pizza place prior to that. I don't even know what pizza place he was talking about. Here's here's another one. And this is I do not know where he was when he said this. He was going on vacation, but this is the exact text I got from our dad. We finally got here and Richard Gear can blow me. That was from a shitty vacation in Rodin. How about this, Jim? Oh, can we do this every week? This is so great. French, French, Stuart on community. Brilliant. That says here's one July 17th. We lost Donald Sobel. That is,

of course, Donald Sobel, author of Encyclopedia Brown books. Oh, man. After his after his vacation, we are home. Don't get the tuna. What? What place? Hey, dad, I love you very much. Don't have the tuna and do tries to reach. Thanks, dad. I love you so much. Your text light up my life. He's not a man. These texts, us reading them out. The poorest representation. They are. They make him sound completely incompetent when he's he's actually he's a very, very smart man. I just don't think he understands the the medium much like I don't think anybody over the age of 43 dies. Listen, I'm 31. So I'm going to deliver that part of like 30 because I don't get it either.

I don't understand what these these kids are talking about with emojis. I don't get it. You know what? You know, I'm going to tell you a truth. Do you guys know what emojis are? No, emojis are like the little icons that are all like all Japanese phones support them and more phones are starting to support them here. But they're they're basically icons that are like emoticons, but they're actually like little pictures that you can use to convey emotion as part of your texts. So they're high. They are high brow emoticons. They're high brow, high flute and emoticons. They're next gen emoticons. They're next gen emoticons. They're called emojis. And true story for about three months after I first heard the term,

I thought it was a fun slang for emotions. Like I feel some powerful emojis, you guys. I guys, I feel so many emojis right now. So I'd like to try to repurpose that for that purpose. Could we maybe get, could we maybe get Destiny's Child together to do a remake of their sign of emotions? What the fuck is, what it, how is that? What about Also, no Griffin, there's no way that's what's bringing back Destiny's Child. So just yeah, yeah, you're not writing a much bigger check. One of them is dead, right? Uh, no. No. No. Oh, Sasha Fierce. Sasha Fierce is dead because she has been reborn. So thank you so much for coming and enjoying our program again. I don't know what

continually draws you in. It's definitely not our pronunciations of simple words. Like, like continually, uh, I want to encourage you to follow us on Twitter at mbmbam, subscribe, rate the show, et cetera. Um, we have a mailing address now. It's Justin McRoy or mbmbam, P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 25706. Uh, I only received one thing this week. It's from Paul in Austin. Uh, there's a note handwritten in what appears to be crayon. Oh, this is going well. Yeah, it says, please accept this humble offering of 20 fine images of the great Nicholas Cage printed on only the finest computer paper money can buy. Sincerely, Paul in Austin. And when you open the envelope, there are in fact 20, I would say, uh,

stamp sized pictures of, uh, Nicholas Cage that have been printed out. It's a real, it was a really good thing to get in the mail. So that is paying off in dividend paying, paying dividends. Uh, can you send a mail of something? Key forward those to me. Yeah, I need, I need them for a completely innocent and healthy purpose. Uh, you can also tweet about the show, uh, with the mbmbam hashtag. Uh, let's see who's been, who's been tweeting this week, guys? I, I tweeted some stuff. Who tweeted? This is our new segment. Who tweeted? Ah, fuck. I just went to tweeter.com, which is not what the website's called. No, one of them is, of course, Tony award-winning composer, Lynn Manuel Miranda, his fantasy. Oh, no, not a big deal at

all. No big, no big whoop. He just enjoys the program. No big deal. How long before, uh, how long before you think we become his muse and we have mbmbam, the musical, finally? Oh, finally. We, the people demand it. Uh, Rocky Horror, uh, our own personal favorite, uh, DJ, is halfway through mbmba and mix tape three, where our thoughts, our feelings, our dreams are mixed with the, the beats of today. So can't wait for that. Uh, hope he'll bring the drop. Uh, angry, angry kangaroo, uh, Jeff Hort, uh, Abigail McCauley, Black Stormy 129, substitute, fat bobbleot, hell, an amazing love, actuary. I am Feminista. Everybody, thank you so much for tweeting about our program. It means a lot to us. Um, I want to thank John Rodgerick in the

long winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Um, it's, uh, it's a good, you know what it is? It reminds me of the classic rock that, like, I used to listen to, uh, when I was, when I was a kid, when I was coming up, you know what I mean? Like before, just before all the, all the violence and like, very sexual and sometimes there were drugs that like in the song, like it talks about it and the kids do them. Anyway, thanks. Thanks. And, uh, thanks for listening to our podcast. Griffin has one more Yahoo answer for us to think about. And of course, as always, we'll return to answer it next week, but we're just going to ponder it in the days to come. Um, this final Yahoo answer was sent in by Nicole Thompson.

Thank you, Nicole. It's by Yahoo Answers user Bunny who asks, who acts as, how can I break my wrist fast at home? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's with my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks. These girls are smart. Play your part.