My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 122: In Your Tarzan Boy

Episode Date: October 1, 2012

We put our hard-nosed political reporting skills to the test in this week's episode, as we uncover one of the biggest voter fraud conspiracies in our nation's history. We DEMAND justice. Suggested talking points: Rock the Vote or Die, What do you Think, Water Intake, Hipster Whoopi, Baby Ducked, Extra Meatus, Watch Advice, Student Body

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brother, my brother and me. This is an election alert. Travis scandal, scandals and scams here on the political front. My brother, my brother and 2012 election hearing. Ladies and gentlemen, all we've heard from the politicians is that they want us to rock the vote. Get out there and rock the vote. Rock the vote. Rock the vote, baby.

Rock the vote. Don't tip the vote over. Inspired by their pleas, we brothers decided to make an effort and for the first time in our adult lives, vote for a presidential candidate and we were barred from voting. I showed up at my polling place and I was like, I'm ready to punch my ticket for the campaign that you, the listener, want me to vote for. And they said this is a Kentucky fries chicken, sir. Please get out. They said this is an elementary school that is currently in session. You cannot be here right now. Barring my voting? Can I please have a super donut as long as I'm here at this school, not that it will in any way, quelch the injustice that has, quelch is, quelch is, sure. Squelch is when I think it's like the form where people eat poop.

Okay. So listen, well, and you, you, you, you, here's what I'm, oh God, here's what I'm concerned about more than I'm concerned. Obviously that I don't get to participate in our nation's greatest franchise. There it is. That's the big one. Second big one is that Jays told me, I'm gonna fucking die now. I'm gonna fucking die because he offered me a choice and it was vote or die. Did you say Jays? Jays, it's short for JZ. The nation said you can't vote Griffin and by the nation, I mean the principle of McCluskey's elementary school nearby. McCluskey's is what the elementary school is called. And I can't vote, so I'm a fucking dead man now. I don't know how it's gonna happen. We've had a good run. But death is just looming around the corner, I guess.

Jay-Z has an army of assassins. They're hiding in the, in the raft. So is it just like like P. Diddy and Jay-Z just like roll around town and be like, you vote? Did you vote? You didn't vote? Dead. No, I imagine they have people for that. It's sort of like, have you seen the new season of, have you seen the new season of making the band? Yes, of course. In episode, so in episode two, they make him get him a cheesecake from Jersey and they have two hours to do it. And then the episode after that, they go around and they kill disinterested youths. I see. Yeah, that's what happened to Biggie. They were like, Biggie, did you vote? And he's like, only in the national elections, not on the local bond issues. And they shot him for that. They shot him. That's something they shot

him for. Guys, flip your fucking ballot vote on the back. Yeah. Come on. You know there's stuff back there. You think you punch, you go straight. The first thing Bartlett is disappointed in you, if you don't vote on the back, bitches. Oh, can we start our own thing? Like there's important stuff, like if you go straight ticket, you're not going to get it. Can we get like a, can we just get t-shirts with like, flip that bitch on it? Flip that bitch. Flip that bitch and vote its ass out. Jed Bartlett says, flip that bitch. I want to get into the advice because theoretically that's what this program is about. But I did want to call everybody's attention to two emails that just showed up in my inbox as I was preparing to look at our question list for the first time.

Two emails back to back from Amazon. The first is alerting me that my book about how to be fiscally responsible has shipped that I ordered on Friday. Ironically, it costs $3,500. No, the email directly after that alerts me that my DVD of the complete series of Captain Power has shipped. It occurs to me that that email of the book about financial solvency should just read, don't do that thing you did above. If you can keep yourself from doing that, I think you will be in good shape. Step one, delete Amazon. Yeah, right. Bar yourself from Amazon. This is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McRoy. I'm your sweet baby brother,

Griffin McRoy. Guys, you got to reg, you got to reg to vote. God literally got to read the easiest fucking thing in the world. Yeah. Yeah, you can get, you can get online and reg to vote at regtovote.org. regtovote.org. Just double checking that. Number two, or write TOO. It's a very confusing URL. And then whether you go with Barry or if you go with Mitt, either way. Either way, our nation ends up a winner because of democracy. Or if you go for some weird third-party candidate, some crazy stupid fucking third-party candidate. Yeah. Or maybe if you just want to shit your vote into the sun. Whatever. You know, it's up to you. I respect your stupid fucking choice. Yeah. Do that dumbass thing you did. But if the nation fucks up, it's your fucking fault. You big.

If you want to write in us, this is an option. Yeah. Something you can do. If we get 5% of the vote, we get funding. That's pretty nice. That's great. I had a sign, I used, I had a sign pasted in the window of my cutlass, Sierra, that just said Bush and Gore made me want to ralph. And that was in 19, what is it, 2000? That was in the year 2000. I used to be so young and so willing to just shoot my vote into the sun. You were also a... I actually registered Green Party the first time I registered. Yeah, I registered independent, I think. You were actually a charter member of the Bob Dole Patrol, if memory serves. Right. That was a political action group that I was in when I was 16 that was devoted to the fact that Bob Dole is kind of funny. So that was not a lot of big

changes. And poetically, there's a nice syllogism with Bob Dole and the word patrol. And when you put them together, it sounds like a thing that you can really be a part of. Yeah, it sounds really good. There's a Bob Dole Street team. Syllogism may not A be a word or B be the right word for that, but it sounded like the right word to use in that scenario. So anyway, questions, advice, help. My boss at work has an odd way to say a passing hello and it's confusing me. Walk by me and say, what do you think? But not asking about anything in particular. This happens a few times every day and I don't know how to respond. What kind of thing should I say? Should I come up with a standard response or should I mix it up a little bit? Help me, brothers. That's from confusing some

things. There's literally so many ways to respond to this. What do you think? My favorite being, what do you think? Yeah, just turn the mirror up to nature and make him go, oh, that doesn't make any sense. Exactly. Does this guy have a fucking aphasia? Like, what is going on? Maybe he's losing weight and so every time he sees you, he wants to know what you think of a slimmer silhouette. How's this visage? What do you think of this lean body? I guess, what can you do? That's a pretty good response, right? What can you do? No, I think you've got to randomly pick an adjective that you can give to him as a response. Like, oh, pretty wet or something like that. I was going to say a noun and you're going to be like, potatoes. Well, that doesn't make sense because

maybe he's asking, what do you think we're going to have for lunch? Okay, but he would say that, I think. No, like, what do you think? Like, maybe there's someone that always sees your boss before you that says, like, do you guys want to go out after work? And then the boss is seeing what you think about it, but you were not part of the A part of the conversation. And so he dips your head and then your response to, what should we eat for lunch is potatoes? Mash them, give me the variables. Travis is a boar, so it's good. Grubs? That works, huh? Grubs? Travis is Timon and I'm Pumba and we have a comedy podcast. It's called Timon and Pumba. And not Griffin. Because he's not down with bugs. Hey, maybe that's a good response.

What do you think? Hakuna Matata. I love it. Maybe it's an option. Hakuna Matata. You should, okay, here's what you do. What do you think? If it's Wednesday, you say hump day. And then if it's Monday, you say pump day, Tuesday's jump day, Thursday's dump day, and Friday's sump day. Right. So you just kind of really keep him off cover. This to me seems like the aesthetic ideal, like the culmination of all sort of insubstantial office phrases. Like all of the things, I guess it's Monday and looking forward to the weekend. I feel like this is, he has boiled it down into a single freight. He seems like the master of officeology. Hey, have you guys ever heard of Dilbert?

Yeah, like the only response that is appropriate to this is like a prolonged atonal shell. That's what it'll come to. This is what office conversation is devolved into. Yeah, this really is the next step before just like all just slapping each other. Here's the idea. I got here. Let me hit you with this confusion, Cincinnati. How's this grab you? How long do you have? Oh man. That sounds good, right? What do you think? How long do you have? And then you go about your merry way. Yeah, because he doesn't want to fuck with that. He's another idea. He is dueling with you as soon as he sets you up to see like, can you say something even more inane than the thing that I just said? And then he says,

well, me, I've got all day. And then you just stand in the hallway and stare at each other. And then that's your homework. Why don't you, why don't you carry around in your pocket a magic eight ball? Okay. And every time you shake it and be like, ask again later. Think about it. Think about it. Why don't you just say, why don't you say hello, you creepy fuck, instead of the thing that you did? Why don't you talk to me? Why don't you quit your job? Listen, I'm not some, I'm not a cog in this, this office machine. I'm a human fucking being. I was born like you were born and I, except I was born in a bathtub. And the only difference, I'm going to die one day. I have dead friends and relatives. We've all shared the same pain and

heartache. We're all just trying to get by. Just fucking talk to me like a, like a human being. But here's my question about this. Is there any difference between like, what do you think and like, Hey, how's it going? What's up? How are you doing? Like the answer doesn't fucking matter because nobody really wants the answer to the question, you know, because if they did, they'd stop and be like, Hey, are you doing all right? How's it going? What's up? It's always said in passing. What do you think it's just a string of words that sounds in some way pleasant, but noncommittal. And it's hard because the, you know, people give me a hard time for doing everything in my power to try to ignore the fact that people are around me or to try to keep from

acknowledging people's presence. But I'm just trying to avoid conversations like this. Yeah. Like we have nothing to say to each other usually. I'd rather have this than somebody that just goes, Hey, as they pass you and you're like, are you just acknowledging the fact that I exist? Can we just all high five, you know, like, Hey, up top, wordlessly, emotionally high five, just exactly like cursory, perfunctory, professional. You don't have to make it an event every time. Just like you're walking by boom. And then maybe like they did a really great job in the account and you're like, Hey, down low, you know, down low, too slow. You make it count. I could never work in a

fucking office, man. It's God, I would be the weirdest dude at the office. At this point now, my like, I used to work and when I worked in newspapers, I would work in offices and I managed to like keep a fucking leash on whatever my situation is. But now that I've been working at home for this long, I would, I would be so high strung. If somebody walked up to me and said, like, what do you think? I'd be like, just please, no, please, no, please. I would be that guy who stacks up books around his cubicle so you can't see what he's doing. Like I would be the weird hermit in the corner. See, I work, I work in an office, but it's a theater office. And so like if I were to transition to like a real adult place,

then they probably wouldn't approve of my mind in my friends games of like flipping people off during meetings as long as nobody noticed. And like me sitting in my cubicle and converting Nerf guns into steampunk weaponry. We used to, we used to have a game like that when I worked at Best Buy where my friend, Steve Oh, who asked people call him Steve Oh, it wasn't a nickname. My friend Steve Oh would, whenever a boss was, had their back turned to us, he would flip them off and he always say, he was giving them a quote, cold one right between the shoulder blades. That's how he would describe it. Did you see that? I just gave Deborah a cold one between the shoulder blades. Like, yeah,

you got her again, Steve Oh, I guess. I guess. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, this one was sent in by Jack Mack. Thanks Jack. Hi for listening, Steve Oh, hey. He's not, he's dead. Thanks Jack Mack. Yeah, this one was asked by Yahoo and his user Natalie, who asks, what's the point of drinking so much water if you're just going to pee it all out? Thank you. I'll drink a full of water bottles a day because I hear about how important it is to drink lots of water and then I have to pee all the time. What's the point? It comes right out, like 20 men after I drink it. No, but really? Okay, seriously though. Yeah. Why is my, okay, listen, I know this seems like a crazy question, but why is science telling me to

drink a glass of water if I'm just going to pee it? My body doesn't even need it, you guys. Yeah, my body's not using that liquid, right? That's true. That is true. That's true because whenever you pee, your pee is, and I don't want to get gross, but it is just the exact fluids that you put in your mouth that went through your body like a silly straw and then it comes out. That's like sometimes you drink a lot of Coke and then you pee and it's just Coke, you know? Or when you drink a lot of ectocoolers and it's just straight ectocoolers. Chive, you shouldn't be drinking, sorry, they stopped making ectocoolers in like 1985. You shouldn't be drinking this. It doesn't go bad, Griffin. It's already green. What's going to happen? It doesn't go bad. It goes spooky.

Oh, it's thick like mood slime. Yeah, that's also I sleep 18 hours a day. Okay. Not on purpose. No, this is important. See, guys, the water like, the water like catches all the stuff that's in you that's bad and then it takes it out of your body. Okay, compare it to the movie Osmosis Jones. What does it do? Osmosis Jones. So you got, you got a fucking Chris Rock and he's Osmosis Jones and then you have the big pill guy that's played by David Hyde Pierce and he's in there and they're fighting, okay, and they're fighting all the guys. But what if instead of those two, there was a bunch of water and we'll say that the water is played by, God, I just can't think of a funny actor off the top of my head. John Ham.

Medea. It's played by Medea, the actor. Imagine that movie. It was six minutes long because that's how long it takes for the water to go through your body. Uh-huh, right. And it's, Chris Rock is there and he's speaking like Chris Rock, like I can't and give it a try without alienating her listeners. So Chris Rock is there and he says, I'm Osmosis Jones and so he's there and he's fighting his crime and then all of a sudden the movie's over because a flood hits them like sort of like deep impact and everyone dies but then it's good that they're dead because they're poisonous bacteria. Osmosis Jones is just the story of the day Bill Murray forgot to drink water. That's all that happens. Did you guys remember

they're in Bill Murray's body? Because they totally were. Would it be great? I would love to see a remake of Osmosis Jones that took place in Travis's body. It would be like fucking Dante's Inferno. Hey, don't you guys think, did you guys ever watch Slim Good Body? The picture of it. Wouldn't it be awesome just once you could see like an awesome duke? Yeah, like one ripple. You're saying like if you could look through Slim Good Body and see a pit storm in his ass. That's one episode, like a deleted scene somewhere where he's like eyes are like a bunch of corn beans. I got a kid fit and then go shit. I'm packing a solid, I'm packing a solid bolus in here.

This is going to turn into like... Hey Slim, is that a balloon full of heroin inside you? Did you ingest that? That's horrifying. Let's get real. Let's drop the stigma and let's just get real science in this. Okay? Okay, finally. It feels great when you pee and you look at the pee and it's totally clear. You feel like you're doing such a great job keeping yourself healthy. You feel like you just did a hundred sit-ups because you know that you're drinking, your drink game is right. Yeah, right. I think that is its own reward. Sure, because it's like, you know, potty training and then you go to the big show and you really step it up with gold medals. There's a lot of internal processes that you don't know about. Do you guys ever get, it's like nine o'clock

at night and you feel like dog shit and you realize it's because you literally haven't drank a drop of water all day. Yeah, I see the bottle just pumping. I'll look down and I'll see like, oh, there's a glass of empty glass of wine and a beer and two empty diet sunkiss cans and it's like, ah, fuck, like that's all I drank today. Then you'll pee in them. Why would you, why would you fucking do that Travis? Because they're right there. He doesn't have to be, he's not drinking any water. You can still pee with wine, it's just red. You don't know what you're fucking talking about. What are you talking about? You're not a scientist like Griffin. I got, did you miss when I said it's time to get real science? No. And you were like, you were like, I want to get weird science.

Let's get Kim control up in here. Was she mad? I think you could, I love the after movie pee. That's always such a good one. Like when you really, I mean it is essential. I think that there are some movies that I actually remember more fondly because of the awesome, awesome pee I had afterwards. But at the same time, there's nothing worse than like the revolt that happens in your body when you're like, I remember I was watching Captain America in theaters and like an hour in, all I had to do was pee and I was so mad at my body. You got to go, you got to go or else you'll make it to the end of the movie and your friends will be like, what did you think? You're like, I fucking hated it. I was so stressed out the whole time. And now

I have liver problems. Yeah, it makes the fight, it makes the fight fights a lot more climactic. Just beat him. Just beat the red skull just hit him. Just shoot him with a gun or something. Jesus. I am incapable of making it through a whole movie without peeing, which I should probably talk to a doctor about. It's mostly because I watch movies at the draft house and so I'm constantly drinking while I'm watching the movie and that stuff just goes right through me. So I have actually gotten very good at identifying the moment in a movie where it's like, oh, here comes some exposition. I can go. I have a minute and a half. I'll run. I don't want to turn into an app, but you guys know there's an app for that, right? Wait, really? What? Yeah, it's called Run P

and I use it in every movie and it tells you when to go pee and then it gives you a timer for how long you can go and then it tells you what you miss. Are you kidding? So you can eat it while you're peeing. That's fucking brilliant. It's free. Yeah, it's called Run P. I would use that as a like a review for the film because if it tells me like, oh, there's a good like 45 minutes there where you can just go. You can pee. You can read a magazine. Really indulge yourself. And then I will know that the director is just wasting my time. My dad, when we go, I go to the movie sometimes with dad and when I get back, he'll try to fill me in on what I miss. Oh no, don't worry. I got this. No need. No. I timed mine. Thanks, daddy, but I just peed on my iPhone.

Daddy. Yeah, that's the other thing about it is it has a it has a receptacle for you just to make sure that like all your your chemicals are balanced and you're getting the right amount of nutrients. Daddy, I'm sorry I made a whoopsy on my iPhone. Please don't please don't talk for in the theater. But I really enjoyed Road to Prediction. Thank you for bringing me to this movie in 1988, daddy. Sorry, I peed on the iPhone. Oh my god, this iPhone's for the future. I'm gonna make a million dollars. Hey, why do I pee on my futuristic iPhone? Every year I go to at least seven or eight concerts with various friends. Most of them pay me back for the tickets I buy in advance. The trouble is the small group of

friends I particularly have trouble with some of them, the ladies, pay me back for their share of the tickets. These aren't date scenarios, more like platonic outings between members of the opposite gender who are interested in similar music. My question is how do I get my female friends to cough up the cash or if they won't, should I just exclude them from any future outings and rest possibly losing concert buddies? That's from Cash Drap in California. I don't think Travis, I'm gonna go ahead and ask that you not chime in on this. No, I didn't give real life advice. This is real. Okay. This is solid. Straight talk. Okay. Travis has seen how the other half lives. This is my advice. I think that you need to operate like a money lending organization

and that if someone establishes good credit and they pay you back for the things, then you can extend to them a line of credit in the future. But once this has failed to occur, you need to get their fucking hands. No, you need to give them money up front. Sorry. And if they want to go to the concert, you say, okay, great, it's going to be $25. And then you get that and say, great, I'll go order the tickets right now. Yeah. Gender has absolutely no role in this. Regardless of the gender of your friend, if they, if you buy them something with the understanding they'll pay you back and they don't pay you back, don't fucking buy them any more things. Yep. Next question. I'm horrible at it. Like I know that I am a terrible offender in this, that someone,

especially if it's someone else's idea to do the concert and they're like, do you want to come? I'm like, yeah, I guess so. I feel like I'm terrible about it and I don't defend it, but I, I feel less obligation to pay them back quickly than if it was my idea to go. That's awful, right? Yeah, that's pretty bad. Yeah, that's bad. I'm a terrible person. Seriously, there is no, there is no, there's no middle ground. You can either stop buying them shit or and like deal with the fact that they're not going to go with you or you can pay for their company. And at that point, it's basically prostitution. Unless it's a barter system, that makes them a courtesan. Unless it's like, I get this concert, you get the next one and that's

like established. But that's not what's up. It's like, but that's not what's up. You're inventing that. I know, but I'm saying like, maybe that's the way to go. If this person, you know, if they want to go to the concert, but they don't have the $30 to pay for the ticket, then you say like, okay, well, you get the next one. Or they just don't get to go to the con. I don't want to see a bunch of fucking poor people when I'm trying to watch the fleet foxes, except they look like poor people. It's really hard to tell. The only poor people I want to see are the ones that are in at cloud cult. Other than that, if you're like in the audience, you should look, you should have wine, hydra, basically, hydra, please. I was trying to think of the people,

the magnetic zeros. Oh, look up. Oh my God. Griffin, can you edit in there when I said cloud? I'll do you one better. I will just edit in the name of a much, much cooler band. Okay. All right. You know, I was, I was reading through 17 magazine advice, like I do, and there was a question in there in which so they have a section where people can write into the website and then get it like crowdsource answered. Why are you pimping other advice? So then the question that the young lady had asked was I'm going to a hipster concert, but I don't have any hipster clothes. What can I do to dress hipster with the clothes that I have and have this one act hipster at a hipster concert? Okay. And I think my favorite thing about it was that the word hipster was used

12 different times in 12 different ways. Hipster doesn't mean anything. Yeah. It was curious. Justin Justin and his friends used to think that I was a hipster because I liked arcade fire. But guess what? They want a fucking Grammy. So that's so guess who's, guess who's, or I don't understand your point. It's, it's, it's like, I don't know. It seems like you, you, it seems like you'd be like, you're a hipster because you listened to Neil Young. Like, yep, sure do. Whoopie Goldberg. What a Grammy. Like, what do you say? I'm saying, but that's precisely what I'm saying. They are in the same class as whoopie goddamn Goldberg. And there's nothing hip about what there hasn't been anything hip about whoopie Goldberg since fucking sister act two.

God, that was a good fuck. Yeah. I made sure the cameo and the little rascals. She was looking good in sister act two. She is a woman. That's all. And I love when she played the goalie and mighty ducks a few weeks ago. Hold the fucking phone. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I was just having, I could drop that one and then move on. I was trying to Travis. I wouldn't let it stay. I'm going to give you 15 seconds to either apologize or explain. Wait, I can explain it. Okay. Because the goalie in mighty ducks is named Goldberg. Thank you. That's all Travis's brain has. It's like, it's not a like reptilian instinct. This boy. Yeah. He's got to jump from one ledge to the next so quickly that I can't even keep up with it.

It has no time. It can't stop to, to survey the comedy scenery. Listen, the ground is lava. I can't even stop. I just got to keep moving. Travis is like pippy longstocking of wanting the black tiles in his kitchen. He's just leaping moment to moment. You stopped. I was trying to drive the train on. I was throwing a vine across the ravine so he could swing on and you were just snipping it from above. Thank you. Like in like in Donkey Kong Jr. Hey, a few weeks ago, one of the guys in my dorm asked me out. I said no, not looking for a relationship right now, especially not with him.

After I have friends owned him, he began following me. I go to the cafeteria. He comes too. He bought a wow subscription after he saw that I had one. He texted me five times in an hour while I was at an indie games festival asking me where I was. And when he found me, he followed me for the rest of the day. My dorm mates have informed me. He comes to our room and asks why I am more than a few times a week. I'm seriously freaked out by him. What should I do? And that's from OMG. Leave me alone. Fuck. Well, he's baby ducked to you. He did. Yeah, you've been baby ducked. I'm sorry. When you say this is potentially felonious. What this man is doing, but when you describe it that way, it's almost adorable. Yeah, he's imprinted on you.

You sound like the sort of person who is probably too nice to lay down the law in the way it needs to be laid down. Like you need to not be ambiguous or too kind about this. You need to shut it down. You need to full blown justified this kid. Yes, you need to go all a font on this full. And you can't worry about this person's feelings because they don't care enough about your feelings to not take you to skived out town. Because you've got to shut it down. The friend zone is the polite penalty box. You're not out of the game. You haven't been thrown out. I thought we weren't going to use that term anymore because it's fucking stupid. If you decide to be friends with someone who has asked you on a date and you said no and

they've shown like you're saying no, but I do want to be friends with you. Guess what? You don't want to be friends with this person. That's the thing, right? And that's why the friend zone is erroneous as an idea. I mean, either your friends with somebody or you're in a relationship with somebody, you want neither from this person. You want them to be in the, you don't want to put them in the friend zone. You want to put them in the phantom zone. You want them gone for good. I think you just need to be straight up with this dude and be like, hey, listen, you're giving me out and I think that we need to not speak. Just straight up tell him, hey, I know that what you think you're doing is super charming, but do you know how no love story has

ever started? Never? Not ever? This thing you're doing. This is it. That has never happened. You know, hey, did you ever see that scene in the notebook where the guy did this thing that you're doing to me? Oh, you didn't because it was deleted. Oh, it wasn't deleted. It was never filmed because it's fucking skeevy. Skeevy next. Why don't you just call him skeevy next to his fucking face for now? Back off skeevy next to skeeve martin. Get out of here. Skeeve martin. You guys, you know whose fault this is, right? The fault for this. Thank you, Travis. Yes. You take the, take the, the boom box scene, the perennial, the perennial symbol of unrequited love for our generation. You take out in your eyes and you replace it with like Oh, Fortuna or some shit. And, and it's,

and he's a stalker. There's one of, yes, there's one of two circumstances going on here. He thinks he's being incredibly charming and has no like point of reference for the fact that he is actually, you know, creeping on you and being a stalker or two, he is stalking you and has some serious problems. Either way, you need to ditch this fool. Yeah, you need to shut it. You need to tell him directly and you need to start taking steps to like you really need to extricate yourself from the situation. This is not healthy and it's not, whether or not this guy is like a complete and total weird beard or just like a misdirected youth, like you need to be very direct in the situation and, and take steps to, to. Because clearly this person is not pick up subtle

cues. No. Right. That, that's it. I mean, they don't pick up subtle cues. You have to be direct. Shut it down. Hey, do you guys, do you guys ever think about that scene from say anything? And think about how well he threaded the needle because there's literally no other song that he could have played that would have made that scenario swing the way that it did swing in his favor. Yeah, it's, if he, I'm trying to, if he had busted out like what a word, if he had busted out like Tarzan boy. Oh man. Do you think that, uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry. If someone's blaring Tarzan boy from a boombox, I may not get into a serious relationship with them, but we are going to go have a party. Yeah, sure. We are going to go party together.

That's like a jungle rhythm. You can't, you really can't deny it. You can't deny him in that. Did you know on Spotify, there's a six and a half minute version of Jungle Boy that was on the official LP that Jungle Boy was on. It's called Tarzan boy summer edition and it's six and a half minutes long. So, oh my God. Yeah. That's enough to, uh, that's enough to, I mean, you can just put it on repeat and then let me think, let me do the math real quick, 10 times in an hour, 24 hours. So you could listen to it 240 times and that's your whole day. And on like the 239th time, you've won our heart. Yeah. So just camp out there brother. Yeah. Yeah. God guys, can everybody just stop? Can we stop following people and, and, and thinking that

this is like, this is a message to, to every man who has bought into the, the Cusack lie. Okay. Following a woman around incessantly is not going to win them over. It's not how it works. You are not going to melt their hearts. It's not how it works. Here's how it works. You ready? Hey, you seem fun. You want to go on a date sometime? No? Okay. Cool. Later. Talk to you. Never. It's not like, I had a big conversation with a friend of mine yesterday where he was saying that there was this girl that was interested in and he didn't know how to like let her down. And I said, just tell her you're not interested. And he said, well, I did that. And she asked me why not? And got in this big discussion. Hey, everyone, if someone says they're

not interested in you, no good comes from trying to convince them. When you say that you're gonna, when you say that you're like, you responded that by saying that you're gonna whittle them down. It makes you sound like John Wayne fucking Gacy. Yeah. And at the very best, I mean, the very best, you break this person's spirit and you spend the rest of the relationship with them, kowtowing to them and like working your ass off to try not to upset them because of how hard you worked at it. It's terrible. You are, stop it. Every guy, girls, I don't think are women. I don't think they're as bad. I would say it's probably 90 10 the split 90 10 probably because women have like self respect. Yes. So if someone says I'm not interested in you, say to yourself in your head,

all right, I then it's probably time to move on and find someone that is interested in me. And I went this horse, this, this friend zone horseshit. If you want to be friends with a woman, be friends with them. Yes. If you want to be in a relationship with them, ask them to go on a date with you. Don't start a friendship with someone under the, under the completely misguided assumption that you're going to say something during your friendship where they'll realize you've been there all along. You know, my friend, you know who else has been there all along fucking a stalker. My friend yesterday said to me, I, he was talking about how he was not physically or romantically interested in this woman. And he said, but you know, I am

emotionally, I could see it working. I said, that's called friendship. Like you are emotionally connected to someone, but there is not a physical or romantic attachment. That's called friendship, you guys. Yes. Of course the person feels special. They're your friend. They're your friend. And if they're not attracted to you and you, you like pursue them hoping to melt the, the iceberg of repulsion that they feel towards you, you, that ends up with you wasting your valuable time. You, your, your youth stop it. And I can say this because I did that in college. Everyone's done that. There's been someone that they felt will know you think I've ever had a God among men. You think I've ever had a problem getting this dick wet. Okay. All right. Let's, let's,

come on. Let's get real. Hey, listen, I'm getting your dick. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Before we make our awkward transition in the money zone, I just want to say you can disavow everything we just say if it's true love. Griffin. Well, I've done a whole lot. True love. If it's true love, you gotta work for it. Griffin. Griffin. It's that kind of statement that undoes all of the good that we've done. Hey, guys, true love. Maybe, maybe she's the, the, the canvas on which you'll paint your masterpiece. Yeah, your love masterpiece. Hard to say. But, but if it's, you can listen to us for matters of the brain, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it's got to take precedent. So like, if you just got it.

Griffin. And then Griffin poisons the well. Money zone. I don't, I paid the rights to, to Baltimore to bust out Tarzan boy there. It was a fair use under the digital millennium copyright act. Yeah, you know, get the girl is only half the trick. The other half is keeping her. And how do you keep the fire alive in the bedroom? You ask. Well, you can ask, but let's pretend. Well, that's an option. Travis with the extremestraints.com is a, is your one stop super shop for pop tops and 50 shades of gray related items. They got that now. Did you know that items inspired by 50 shades of gray? Hey, this looks like a crazy book. Yeah. I'm looking at the things that is, uh, this seems like a kind of a crazy book.

One of the items inspired by 50 shades of gray is the book 50 shades of gray, which you see that and you're like, well, yes, but what you don't know is that it feels good to spank with your dick inside the book. It's got this carved out hole in the middle. It's lovely between the papyrus and just rub on it. You're going to love the way this book feels. All the pages are made out of puff plus with lotion and feels lovely in there. Uh, you, you got, they've got some, uh, tied jelly, anal beads. Um, I would probably keep all butt related beads to American and produce products. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I would go to Thailand for things. No, cause you put five in and four come out and then all of a sudden that's your whole day.

Your whole day's about that now. You should also, you should also probably get a special drawer for that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to mix it up. If you have kids, please make it a high drawer. Please. They don't need to, I'm a little kind of child safety lock on it. I'm looking at a gentleman wearing, uh, elbow length latex gloves. That's an option. And actually in this picture, he's flipping me off. So I don't know where I went wrong. No, no, no. You don't understand that finger has a purpose. Oh, it's going somewhere. It's going somewhere. Wonderful. They've got a water bottle douche kid here, which is ironic because I think everyone carrying a water bottle around is kind of a douche.

We make, we get, we get it. Okay. We get it. We have a good time here on my brother, my brother and me, but these, these sex aides by which I mean the things that help you have sex, they're, they're valuable. They're precious treasures and they're going to shake things up in a way that you don't even understand right now. You're scared of them. You might be scared. Just make, take the leap. You know, who also scared Christopher Columbus and he discovered America. Oh my God. Discover your America of fucking at extremishames.com. You may think that you're going to India, but what's that? It's your asshole and it's blown out. You should have trained it before actually. You super blew out. Yeah. You got to train it with

these special gauged butt plugs. You're going to love the way it feels. It's, you're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. You may be looking for, for spices, for exotic spices. Instead, what you're going to find is that things happen when things rub up against your prostate. Back to you guys. So go to extremishames.com and you can use the coupon code middleist and you'll save 20%. You could save 20% on the forced orgasm tower, which is what I call my dorm. Like for real you guys, I know that we've been doing extremistrange.com promos for the last couple of weeks now. So maybe it's starting to like white noise when you get to the money zone. I'm telling you, if you haven't gone yet, if you haven't checked it out, there is something there for

you and maybe two things there for you and maybe some weird things there for you. But not, it's only weird to us because we're total missionary style prudes. Right. Baptist household prudos. Hey, I recently uh, Griffin, I was going to ask you for a yahoo. You were going to read another question because you're trying to fuck you. You're trying to fucking Bogart the show with your normies. Guys. Read both at the same time. Here we go. Uh, this yahoo answer is, I recently found out what we're not really doing this. It was sent in by Krista Whalen. Thanks Krista. You know it's good. That's like the Nintendo seal of quality. Uh, it's my yahoo answers user Chris who asks, what is the hole on the penis called? Travis, do you? I do know. Do you really?

I mean, it's the urethra. Nope. Yeah. Nope. Nope. No, there are urethra is the two that connect the penis hole to the piss bag. Uh-huh. Uh, the hole in the tip of the penis is the tip hole. It's called the debt ceiling. Is your penis there? No, it's technically called the debt ceiling. That's why they're always talking about raising the debt ceiling. Right. That's why it was such a kerfuffle and a little racy. That's why it was such a hot button issue. Now that is uh, sort of the colloquial name if we want to know the, because I took, well, I took one anatomy class in high school that I did not do very well and uh, the scientific name for uh, like scientists, what they refer to it is the front anus. The front anus. Yes. Interesting. I always

thought it was the maw. Is it not the maw? Well, it can uh, if you have the, the special mutation that turns it sentient, then that is technically what it's called. Hey, I've always just called one big mouth, Billy Bass. Okay. Okay. Good, good. Hey, if you at home have ever uh, made your penis hole like a mouth and used it to talk to yourself, go ahead and write into the show and let us know. Yeah. And then apply to work at Puppetry of the Penis because you're well on your way. Don't let me feel so alone anymore. For a long time, that's what I hoped Puppetry of the Penis was, that it wasn't like, look, I turned my dick in the Loch Ness Monster or something, but it was like Sesame Street with dicks. So, hold on. They, so wait, they manipulated

the urethral opening into, so it looks like mouths and then they sang like show tunes and shit like sending the clowns. Well, in my mind, they were doing songs mostly from Little Shop of Horrors. They were like, feed me. Yeah. Well, don't feed him. No. God, no. Unless you go to extremerestrains.com. Stop. Okay. Okay. It's called the meat. It's a whole weird Chuck Palinick book about that, by the way. Hey guys. What's it called? It's called the meat. I don't know what it's called. I read a section of it in Playboy Woods where he was like putting wax shit into his penis. No, Travis, I mean what the hole is called. Go ahead, Griffin. Uh, it's just called hole. Okay. No, it's called a, it's called meatus, M-E-A-T-U-S. That wasn't that the nerdy friend

of Boy Meets World. He'd be like, meatus, can we copy your Spanish homework? Wait, why is it a sand worm? If you look into it, it's like staring into the mouth of Cthulhu. Man, we did not get as much mileage out of that question as I would have hoped. So here's my question. I want to ask you guys on the show because hopefully, so the hole at the tip is called the meatus, right? Uh-huh. What's the other hole called? The one that's going in sideways. Oh, Justin. Yeah, it's about an inch below that one and it's like a sideways hole that goes through to the other, what's that? So you know how you, you know how when you pee, it comes out three ways? Sure. Like a glaive. What is the hole, like a glaive, what is the other hole

called? Um, it's called, okay. I believe that's a Prince Albert. Travis, this time that we tell Justin. Yes. Tell me about the thing from our childhood. I don't remember anything from our childhood. You blocked it out. It was before you were born. Okay. Well, no, I guess it had to be after you were born because it would be hard to get, really get in there in vitro. Sure, sure. But something happened to your penis that was really funny. What was it? It was really funny. It was like they were doing the, so they were doing the circumcision. They were bracing you. Okay. And let's just say that a crazy man ran into the room and stabbed your dick. It had nothing to do with the brace. It was just that your dick was

already. Your dick was on the table and a crazy man just ran into the room. He's like, what are you yelling? He's like, Hey, you're bracing. And then he pulled out an ice pick and he stabbed, stabbed your baby dick. Man, I hope. I will see this though. The laughter was deafening. Like everyone got it right away. Yeah. Like when he planted it firmly into the table and it was like an inside your baby dick. Like this ice pick was like inside your baby dick just like grinding. And it was kind of doing that like, you know, something vibrates after you stab it in the back. I don't remember anything. Well, no, you're a baby. And then the nurse was like, you know, fighting tears of laughter. Like, we got to do something. This kid's going to lose his dick.

And tell me at least, tell me at least our parents friend zone to the guy. Oh, yeah. They were like, Hey, okay, that's you can't come over here anymore. Now, here's my question. I think the obvious question. Why did they tell you and not me? Oh, we laughed about it for days. You weren't alive. You weren't alive. You weren't alive. I think about this crazy stranger running into the room and stabbing you. You're so vulnerable. Just stabbing your baby dick right through it. Like it, it, it's chuckle city, to be honest. Oh, God, it never gets old either. You know, I don't understand. Why don't you understand? Why would he do that to me? It's hilarious. Because it was Gallagher.

Oh, do you remember when Gallagher was really, it was before he discovered like his watermelon thing and he was trying to look for, and he would show up at hospitals and parents would be like, fuck. And then he'd be like, Hey, hey, time to stab some baby dicks. And then he would just do it. He would do like three or four in one go because he was a busy guy. And so like he wanted to get as much mileage out of each hospital visit. But he was workshopping. I mean, you can't blame he was workshop. Don't heckle. He was trying to work out a bit. This actually makes a lot of sense because I've never found Gallagher very funny. And I've always wondered why. Yeah, it was you have a deep seated memory of when Gallagher came through and definitely stabbed you

in the dick. This is not liable because it's true. No doubt about it, folks. It ain't liable if it's true. That's what Muhammad Ali said. Hey, I recently found what I thought was a really cool, unique watch and immediately bought it. I think it fits my style and personality. But the first three friends I showed it to had slightly negative reactions to it and didn't understand what was so excited about. Should I shrug it off? Or should I take this as a cue to reevaluate my choice of fashion? I still like the watch, but it seems I'm the only one that's from fearful of fashion faux pas. Here's a link to the watch. I'm not going to click it. I'm not going to click it before I give this advice. This is what your watch should look like. A round face with either a

leather or steel. The strap doesn't fucking matter as long as it's not goofy. And then there's 12 numbers on it. And there's two hands that go around and tell you what the time is on the watch. That's fashion point number one. If it's like a bunch of LED lights that only you can read because it's in binary, then you done fucked up somewhere. I'm going to be honest with you friend though. I'm looking at the picture of the watch. I don't know what it means. If it shoots a hologram into the sky and then you have to read it on the ceiling, then you have you have slipped up somewhere fashion wise. In my opinion, as a fashion item, as a bracelet, it's very good looking as a functional timepiece. If you can play a tiger electronics game on it, then whoopsie. You goofed. In my opinion,

the only good watch is one that also makes phone calls and is an iPhone because what are you doing? You know what I did? I got I needed one. When I did all my international traveling, got on Amazon bought a $10 goddamn $10 watch from Casio and it's little. It's black. It's discreet and it tells you what the time is with 12 numbers. This is this is where I get a little bit mad at fashion. Okay, and it is this idea of like the funk. The watch is a functional thing like you buy it so you know what time it is. Whether you buy a $10 Casio watch or like a $4,000 watch, it does the exact same. Okay, but this is a crazy thing Travis because that's like all of fashion. We wear shirts so that bees don't sting us in the chest when we go outside and then

the shirts get a potato sack with a combo. That's right shirts get then shirts got crazy. Shirts got crazy after we wore them. I know this is what I'm saying is my problem with fashion and now dragons and fake tattoos. $300 for a shirt that looks like a shirt you buy at Goodwill except you get to say you spent $300 on it and you bought it at such and such. Yeah dog, that's fashion. But Griffin, why are you screaming at me like I'm not agreeing with you? Because it's like you're surprised by this. Like we wear shoes so that when we go outside dogs don't bite us on the feet and give us diseases. This is a problem Travis that I would like to file under. I think my theory on these problems are if an entire generation of people have lived

before you and been unable to solve this issue it's not worth thinking about. I know that what I'm saying is not exactly revolutionary. That was the best. That was the most uplifting thing I've ever. That was if you could wrap up the entirety of our generation's political views into one sentence it would be that thing or if presented even shorter. Ah fuck it. Fuck it. What's on the internet? I'm gonna back to the question asker. Here's what I think your friends are reacting to on this watch. I get the impression that you bought this watch that you what drew you to it as a fashion statement is how incomprehensible it is. Yes. And I think your friends were looking at it going that doesn't make any sense. I don't know what I'm looking at. And so I mean if that's what you were going for

you nailed it. Slam dunk. I get well the other thing is like you you probably if they if three people have commented on your watch then you probably said hey look at my new watch or like what do you think of this new watch it's like don't do that just wear it if you like it wear it but don't ask people for feedback because they're just jealous of you they're jealous of you and your incomprehensible watch. If your watch has letters on it you know what I mean. The watch okay for those of you at home the watch face has three words on it. Try to describe it. Okay it's got three words on it to the left is past to the right is future and in the middle is present with a line pointing up to what looks like two dials that show the hour and minute. I don't think it's a I think the watch

face spins behind this this facade and so the the actual numbers line up with the present line instead of having lines I'm so angry right now. And it also looks like because I don't understand. It's a your watch confuses and scares me sir. I think I think it's not too late to return it and maybe get this watch I got it's on Amazon it's $10 it's a little black dress of wrist watches that was the amazon review and that's why I bought it. You know what I mean? I feel bad for dad. I feel bad for calculator watch. I don't want to salt this guy's fashion game but I just want you to have nice things and I don't here's oh okay so here's what I'll say about this fashion watch sir if you're wearing this out to like some incredibly fancy awesome event I could I could

justify it like a special occasion like the cuff links of watches I could justify it. What are you saying? I'm saying that like if he was going to some you know fancy event and this was his special occasion watch but to wear this every day when you like go to work at Jimmy John's or whatever don't fucking wear this watch. You're saying that this crazy watch is a cool thing to wear to parties and then you can be like hey Mr. President did you see my novelty watch? No I'm saying that if it's a fashion statement and this is what you're doing and that's what you're going for this isn't something you whip out your wrist and say check out this watch you just wear it and you'd be cool and you do. I guess it is functional because it hides all the times that

you don't give a fuck about you know what I mean? Nobody's ever like hey what time was it an hour and a half ago and you looked at your watch like I can't help you buddy I only know about the present. I'm keeping that I'm keeping that looking towards the future. You know what I want? My eyes are on the horizon. I don't want to watch like this but it only tells me what's up 20 minutes in the future and they say what time is it? You say I don't know but in 20 minutes it's 11 45. And then I gotta go watch early edition. That's what loop that's what loop is about. Man have you guys seen Looper? I haven't seen Looper. Good man Joseph Gordon Levitt is a rising action star. I am the president of a student organization at my college. We recently got a new batch of

members mostly girls and some of them are cute. One in particular has caught my attention. Normally I just ask her out but I feel like my position in the org would make it weird. Is there a conflict of interest here? Any help will be appreciated. That's from Stumpd in San Marcos. Before we start let me go ahead and say that if you ever say we got a big group of girls and one in particular caught my eye it also makes you sound like John Wayne Gacy. There's a lot of things there's a lot of things you can say that makes you sound like a serial killer. I would like to take a vote on the show but I would like to I would like to submit and I don't know if I can get a second on this but I would like to submit that the most important facet of this has been withheld from us to the

extent that we cannot make adequate. It's what is the organization. What is the organization? Is it is it pizza team? The team of people who love pizza? Of course not. You don't want to mess with all the rules and viola as a pizza team. Is it pizza club? No, pizza club. That's different. I mean seriously is it like is it a club that's built around the abolishment of fraternization between the different sexes of students? That's a weird club. That's a weird club. Stop touching. Dudes and anti-PDF ladies with ladies. I thought I told you. Is there still like there's like yeah you got student council there's presidents and vice presidents in college are you like the president of the student body? Like because that might be

because oh but it's such a great line to be like I'd love to be the president of your student body and then and then you take off your shirt. Is it is it a GLBT group because I don't think things are gonna go your way. I do not think you said those letters right. AGL? I think you said a GLT. A GLT. I'm sorry. It's a BLT but with Graham Crackers on it. Yeah it keeps the hot side hot and the cold side cold which is nice. Gross. I was saying gross about the sandwich not about the LTGB lifestyle. I don't know why it has to be about ranking priority. You know like as long as you get all the letters in there people know what you're talking about. You could say someone twice if you wanted to. It's like and then it just turns into DNA.

It's a GLBTL-LJBG. GLBLT-LB-T-A. Oh it's gotta be I don't know man. There's no way that you're not exploiting your power. What power? Of the fucking presidential power. Okay but like I'm sorry you guys but is there not a point in this where you go hey man you should just ask the girl out because you're in college and what your group doing doesn't really matter. Here's how it's gonna play out. You ask her out. She says yes obviously. You guys hook up. You go on a bunch of dates. You realize you're in love. You buy her a ring. You have a long engagement. You get married. You have kids and then you realize 45 years in the future that she was only doing it because she was trying to move up the ladder of whatever this organization was

and it's gonna break your heart. It's gonna break your kids' hearts. And your grandkids hearts. So wouldn't that be horrifying when you're 67 to realize that it was only because you were president of the Young Liberals Club? I don't know. I think if it's Young Liberals Club I feel like everybody's fucking anyway. Okay. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I feel like most other groups are there in college. I don't even know. I feel like most groups are just there to party down on each other. You know what I mean? I think Student Government Association. They are built for fraternization. Student Government Association. When it's like election season, tensions are high. So are pheromones. A lot of late nights. A lot of sitting around the war table and then just throw all the pieces

off that war table and then have a make a fuck pile. My favorite scene in 90s documentary The War Room is the scene where George Stephanopoulos just buries his cock and James Carpenter. Oh my god. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. I like me likey. I have. It's all the Blu-ray. Blu-ray deleted scenes. I really just got dizzy. I got dizzy. Because all the blood rushed to your erection. Can I can I say there was some part of my brain that I thought was dead as I tried to make my way through that whole phrase that entire clause was trying to shut me down. It was like trying to hold back the tide though. It's like when the bulkheads start to shut down as the ship sinks. You woke up and a part of your brain that made you realize that you were gay but only for James Carville which is very

unfortunate because that that that dream probably ain't going to come true. Yeah that ship done sailed. Hey listen thank you so much for listening to our comedy podcast. What am I supposed to do with this boner now because there's nothing I can do with it. It's not like there's fucking James. There's not like James Carville porn on the internet. I can't even close my eyes and imagine what that dude looks like naked. I just imagine there's baldness everywhere. It's just all elbows. I just imagine he fucks with Louisiana charm. It just angles everywhere inexplicably. It's like fucking like a Van Gogh painting or something. Hey so anyway thanks for listening to our show. Thank you so much to people tweeting about it. They're using the

mbmbam hashtag. People like Radioactive Jedi, Branson and Tron, Ross Scott, Sir Seahorse, Bedhugs, Astro Innovator, Boxes and Stars, Ingrid Falcon, MC Getting, Jess Alenzo, Hilary thinks and so so much more. I would like to just give a shout out to Iggy K who drank three trash monkeys before moving. Not immediately after did he move but the next morning which I'm sure was just awful. Yikes. You're a fool sir and you've done it so so wrong. I don't think I've drank three trash monkeys in my life. We also have a Facebook group that has thousands of members and you should join. Holy shit really? Yeah we've got nearly 4,000 members. Basically bigger than Jesus. It's basically bigger than Jesus. Go to Facebook, search mbmbam and you'll uh you'll find

that group and and and hear uh see a bunch of people talking about my brother my brother me. You can also do the same thing on the forums maximumfund.org. People are discussing the shows and things they like and it's great community. I just looked up Jesus on Facebook. He's got 4.8 million likes. We're on the way. We're like one tenth of a percent on the way. Well you gotta start somewhere. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for these for our theme song It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Thank you John Roderick. He'll be at Max Funcon East which I believe is next month. I don't know what session he's giving but maybe artisanal beard growing or how to write the fucking rockinist songs that

there are but make sure you sign up for it if you're going to that. We have an exciting uh uh promotion coming up Max Fun Day October 15th. Mark you can't take just take off work because it is a take off work. It's gonna get it's gonna get crazy so um we're gonna have some special stuff. I think we're gonna have a special bonus app for donors so you can get twice twice your flow. It's gonna be huge and fun and there's gonna be giveaways and fun crap so so be there. This final Yahoo answer is sent in by Aurora Case. Thank you Aurora. It's by Yahoo Answers user Mr. Dang who asks is it okay for a dang 30 year old man to watch Goosebumps? I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother,

my brother, me, kiss your dad.