My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 123: Contraband Future Dildos

Episode Date: October 8, 2012

We suggest you take the proper precautionary measures to fend off the unseasonal chill that's swept this country of ours. Maybe wrap yourself in a Sheetz quilt, or just let us whisper into your ears for 10 uninterrupted minutes. Suggested talking points: Gas Station Blanket, Quad City Gangbang, Sexy Dan Ackroyd, Honeyhands, Noodling the Loaf, Two on the Floor, Weed Whispers

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's my brother, my brother and me, and there's a chill in the air. Really? It's my brother, they're my brother and me. And the ruffles have ridges.

Ruffles have ridges and there's a chill in the air. Can you guys feel that? My bones are so cold, oh my god. Why can't I feel temperature in my bones? You know what, I bought my wife a blanket at the gas station. It was $5.99, it looked kind of like a Baja, and I tried to snuggle her up in it, and she said that it smelled like tires, so I had to wash it. Of all the places that-

Matt, did you go- wait, hold on. Did you go to the gas station to buy a blanket? That's the question, was it your blanket destination? Let me hit you with this, let me give you a bit more context. It was midnight, and I was there at the gas station to buy beers. And you thought, my wife is pretty fucking cold right now, I bet. Funny, I got you some beers and a blanket and this funnel. She drove and she was sober and good to go.

Me, I was buying my 10th and 11th and 12th beers at night, and she was- Just sitting at home drinking? Here's my thought process. I'm walking in to the gas station. Brr, there's a chill in the air. I should see if they have any Navajo-style blankets in here. Oh good, they do. Oh, do they smell like tires?

I don't know, my ol' factory cinder is shutting down. This better cost less than $6, success. Perfect, right underneath that line. So this is an advice show- Can we start recording now? Yeah. This is a time to record. This is an advice show and also blanket recommendations.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin, the blanket man of McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis, the Afghan McElroy. Oh no, wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna change it. That one's so good. Uh, my name is Griffin McElroy, and I'm that quilt that you save just for picnics, your dirty quilt. You know what I mean? The dirty quilt.

It's a quilt that you could use it specifically for outdoor. Maybe there's a music festival. Maybe you just want to fuck. I want to kick- I want to kick off- I want to fuck off a soft blanket. I want to kick off the blanket advice by saying that if you're at the Marathon Station on Hager Boulevard right off the- right off of 64, don't buy a blanket there.

That is enough information to triangulate and kill Justin. Yeah, just wait till 11 o'clock on a Friday or Saturday night. If there's a chill in the air, you see one man wrapped in a blanket, like some sort of discount Mother Teresa, then I- then that'll be me. You are gonna get- As opposed to your high-priced, expensive Mother Teresa. You are gonna get triangulated and then stryingulated. Let's get into the advice.

I'm in a relationship that recently passed a one-year mark. Congrats. My girlfriend is lovely and sometimes I'm- Oh, sorry. My girlfriend is lovely and I want nothing but to be with her. However, I've recently noticed that in my sexy dreams, are no longer of random hookups between single adults, but of cheating on my SO.

It seems my relationship is crept into my very sense of self. I feel so guilty and fear my occasional sleep talking will give me away. What can I do? And that is, of course, from thought crime at bedtime. I do not think the sleep talking works that way. I do not think if you- I do not think you- anybody's ever been like, oh, Debra, while they're asleep.

Debra, your problems. There was a time that I was having a dream about a book I was reading and leapt up from bed to scream the main character's name because in my dream they were falling off a cliff. Okay. But other than that, no. He chas- chas wakes up and chas- 50 shades of gray, no! I- Griffin used to talk in his sleep.

I don't know if he still does, but I remember on car trips he could have a conversation with Griffin, but his only responses were in mumbles and he would be like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. You say that, but there's no fuck it. Like, how can you believe anything about me as a kid anymore after the baker under your bed? That's true.

You also- I used to think you slept with one eye open and now I wonder if you never really slept. Yeah. Wait, what are you- are you saying like little wonders? Like little wonders? You might be a robot. That's small- that's small wonder. You're thinking of little monsters.

I was thinking of little women. Here's the- here's Ish. You can't control what you fucking dream. No. Nope. You can't. I had to dream the other night that Teresa and I were fighting zombies and she got bit and I had to kill her and like she begged me to do it.

She's like, you have to do it. I'm gonna change. And it was horrifying and I woke up middle of the night like 2.30 and woke her up to apologize to her and her response was, it was a dream. Yeah. That's logical. Makes a lot of sense. You guys remember an inception when the guy was like, I'm gonna win this fight now

and then the Capri was like, oh yeah, how about if I dream of this train and then a train comes in and it kills the guy because the Capri, like, he aimed his dream. Like, first he created, he instantiated the train in his dream world and he aimed it and hit the guy with it. None of that shit would be true. Like, he would say like, here comes a train, but instead he would be all of a sudden he's six years old and he's in gym class.

Only the gym class is upside down and they've invented upside down basketball. Here comes a train, it'll be Quad City DJs and they would be singing about riding the train. Even that, I believe is too- And then you have a dream about cheating on your girlfriend with the Quad City DJs. It would be the Quad City DJs, except they'd be singing like the Smiths or something like that. Honey, I swear the Quad City DJs and I are just friends. We do in fact have a space jam going on though. But that is not true.

See, you guys need to get on my tip, which is lucid dreaming. Come with me. Lucid dreaming is where you take control, you rest control of your dreams from Leo and you say, I'm the captain of this ship and you tell yourself, tonight I'm going to dream about punching Stalin or something, something cool. And then you do it and you take control of your dreams. You just put a little bit of peyote under your tongue before you go to sleep. If you can, really the best way to do it is to colon roll.

And then basically your dreams are, you are the master of your dreams. Grab the bridle of your dreams and put this paper towel in your asshole. You have to be spiritually open and ready to control your dreams. And rectally, if you're going to get that paper towel. If I'm not spiritually and rectally open, I actually, I'm afraid to fall asleep because I have had control of my dreams for so long that I'm worried if I go in willy nilly, the dreams are just going to run rough shot over my emotions.

Yeah, the dream lord will be like, finally a weak point. Finally. Now experience all the emojis you've been holding back. You've been holding onto these emojis in this bottle. I've been saving them. Experience them all. Have sex with the teeth that fell out of your head because you're naked at school and you forgot your lines at the play.

And you forgot how to run quickly and you feel like you're moving through molasses. And also you're flying off a cliff and you're on fire and your parents are there and there's your grandma. And you're trying to punch the dude, but you can't remember how to make a fist. You can't remember how to make a fist in your hands or bones and teeth. I'm the dream master expancer emojis. The fucked up thing about dreams is you might be dreaming about...

What is... Hold on. What is the fucked up thing? No, what I'm saying is you might have a dream that's about cheating on your SO. And in real, but what it translates to in the synapse of your brain is you were dreaming about that because you're frustrated with the quality of work you've been doing at work. It has nothing to do with your SO or sex or anything like that.

Your brain has just translated those impulses to something else. So Travis, because you are obviously so, so good at this, if I do have a dream with upside down basketball and I'm getting gang banged by the Quad City DJs, how many of them are there? Quad City DJs? I assume there's four. Four from different cities. And they each represent the different districts of that. Okay, all that makes sense.

Four DJs inside, then like what's the... You're four DJs deep. I'm four DJs... Well, they're each one quarter Griffin deep. Anyway, what's the implication? I think it means that there's big possibilities on the horizon. Okay. Okay, so you're using it for fortune teller gameplay. Yeah, for omens and portents and...

Yeah, so you're saying that dreaming of the Quad City DJs in a sexual fashion is a good omen. It usually means that there's going to be a solid harvest. Yeah, I know there's going to be a solid harvest. It's me and the Quad City DJs. You're going to like what you're reaping. Your barn will not be overflowing with grain, but it will sustain you through the cold, cold winter.

They are going to be at something's going to overflow. It's the Quad City DJs and me. Let the crystal pour. So long story short, your dreams don't mean shit. You don't have to worry about it. Dreams don't mean anything. And if she gets mad at you because it's something crazy you dream, that's a crazy thing to get mad about.

I do not think he's telling her. I think that his ish is that he feels guilty for his brain crimes that he's doing. Yeah, I don't think you have to feel guilty about that. You can't feel good. Your brain all day, every day, you spend controlling the literally thousands of life-ruining impulses. And you do such a good job of that at evening times when you're asleep. Your brain has got to run wild like Hulkamania, brother. It's got to get out there.

It's got to do all the bad things that you didn't let it do, but it'll do for pretend. It's a deal you protect yourself. Your brain is writing awesome movies starring you. Don't censor them. You're saying like laying into it, like full-blown, dip your balls into the colligula, like wieners at a hole everywhere, plaster the wall with them.

Wait, why do you assume that everyone's dreams are just full of wieners? Because you can't imagine what a vagina looks like unconsciously. Fair enough. Look at it this way. Like if you had a dream where you killed someone, you wouldn't wake up the next day and be like, I got to turn myself in. I have homicidal tendencies.

I want to kill everyone. Like that's not how it works. So it doesn't translate the other way. I'm not saying you should try to make your dreams sexier. I'm not saying you should go to bed reading tropic of cancer to try to ramp up the nastiness. I'm saying just let it be. Don't just let the stink build in there.

Just let it get real, real ripe. You guys want to y'all who answer? Yeah, you guys. You guys have totems, right? You got a little, I've got a little thing that you hold it and then your dream, you know, if it's a dreamer, if you're being incepted. Yeah, it's my way.

Yeah, of course. Okay, mine's your wiener. Mine's my wiener too, because nobody knows the heft. This guy who answered was saying- The weird sharp edges are. Why is it sharp? This guy who answered is sent in by subpindle. Thanks, subpindle.

It's by Yahoo Answers user, Rayo, who asks, What do you think of Dan Ackroyd physically? What do you think of Dan Ackroyd's aspect years ago and at present? Thanks. All right, that's weird as this question is. I know this person is asking. Yeah, it's unrecognizable, the shift. But, but, but the same shift has befallen two of the Ghostbusters.

I see what you're saying. Because Dan Ackroyd has gone through this. Harold Ramis may as well be a different person. I mean, totally different dude. You would not connect that guy. I wouldn't need him to show me his driver's license before I would believe that that is Harold Ramis of Ghostbusters. That's why I would say like Bill Murray has aged poorly, but on a constant.

No, no, no, Bill Murray, you look at Bill Murray, you look at a picture of old Bill Murray and young Bill Murray, and you say, okay, I can see how those two are connected. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's been on a constant curve, but not like for the better. Right. You look at a young picture of Dan Ackroyd, and it looks like Dan Ackroyd, and you look at a picture of Dan Ackroyd nowadays,

and it looks like Baron fucking Harkinen. Like he'd look. It's it's upsetting visually. Ernie Hudson worth pointing out looks great. Ernie Hudson looks great. It's you know why he's young at heart and at brain. Dude fucking loves Pokemon. Well, he's also my favorite Ghostbuster.

The nice thing about Ernie Hudson is that he's managed to take it easy. Since he hasn't worked himself too hard since Ghostbusters. Every so often he does an episode of Psych, and then he just kicks back, you know? He uh, I mean he's still- Who's on Oz? He's got uh, he's got his Beverly Hills Chihuahua residges, which is I'm sure treating him real nice.

I just looked up, I looked up Ernie Hudson just now to make sure that I was right about him looking great, and he does look great for a 66 year old man. He looks wonderful. But I saw a picture of his uh, hand prints and cement, and I was like whoa Ernie Hudson! You're a lot better than I thought. And then I read the caption, it says,

the hand prints of Hudson in front of the great movie ride at Walt Disney World's Disney World Hollywood Studios Team Park. Better than nothing. Better than nothing. I don't have my, my prints aren't there. Yeah, it could have just been like he was going outside to get the paper, he slipped, fell, they were filling in a pothole. Burned his hands real good.

Did you guys see him in Franklin and Bash this year? No. I've never seen Franklin and Bash to begin with. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually exist. Is that a men's catalog? It's uh, Mark Pogosler. Oh, I've heard of that. Yeah, it's on, it's in its third season.

I don't know, I mean it's Breckenmeyer and Mark Pogosler, two of Travis's favorite, favorite people. I do not believe that he is not watching the show. It's actually, they've canceled each other out, and they're just so charming that it's just engulfed into a charming black hole, and I can't watch it. I understand. It kind of looks like his head is getting taller,

like his head never stopped growing. Right. He is, he is actually becoming a cone head, ironically enough. Yikes, Yauzers. Why are we so serious? No, but, no, okay, listen. Can we take a step back and figure out why we're making fun of Dan Aykroyd as far as we're going?

That's what I was going to say, to be fair, like it's never like in the past when he was 25, that he was some dreamboat that everybody pined after. Oh, I'm going to fuck that. I think the interesting thing about Dan Aykroyd, other than the fact that he's obviously a genius, is that Dan Aykroyd has made a career out of being a caricature of a person that it turns out he is.

Yes. You know what I mean? I think the weird thing about Dan Aykroyd is, you think that he is mocking this like slyly, skewering a certain type of person with his whole spiel, and it turns out he just is, he snuck into Hollywood somehow, and he is, in fact, that person.

Yes, but I also, here's the other weird aspect that, and now as I'm going through my head of all the Dan Aykroyd movies I can think of, it's like you could watch him become less and less attractive, but he plateaued at this point where he was perfectly unattractive to play like a hundred different roles. Like instead of growing more and more attractive,

it's like, oh my god, you're beautiful, you're perfect for this. Like they were like, yeah, you'll look great as a conehead. You'll look great as this dude. And then he kind of slipped over the edge of the plateau. You're saying, there was a point in his physical life when Dan Aykroyd was the perfect amount of unattractive and attractive

to where he would be perfectly believable in literally any role. He became the long chainie of comedic actors for a brief moment in time. Right around, I'm going to pin it actually as right around. I would say Casper. Okay, see, I'm going to put it in 1988 with my stepmother is an alien.

There was a day, there was a six month period in his life when Dan Aykroyd could be believably married to Kim Basinger. Did he sign on to that movie because he thought it was like a hard hitting documentary? Finally, finally, we're on Earth thing. These schemes and scandals. But I like, I picture him in gross wind blank

and he was perfectly unattractive in that, but not so much so that I was like, oh. See, I think Dan Aykroyd looks great. He's looking better, I think. For me, there's a picture of him from ought three where he's looking dynamite. Let me see. Up on his IMDb, we're just combing through the,

we're combing through the Dan Aykroyd pictures. I mean. Okay, no shit though, you guys. Griffin might be right. And then I'm looking at a series of pictures as he's aged. His forehead has literally gotten taller and taller. His hairline is not receding.

If his hairline is, his eyebrows are just descending. It's like, it's like he's been put in a machine that's filling his brain with thoughts. And it's just like making his head swell. Yeah, it's like, he's got that, he didn't have a forehead anymore. He's got that tire bank's five head. Anyway, we're all big fans of your work, Mr. Aykroyd.

And we do want to say thank you again for listening to this. I love your, I love your vodka. I love your. What if you pulled like an Anthony Michael haul and just like rolled up in a movie next year, just totally fit and looking so good. And I was like, who the fuck is that? And I'm like, it's Dan Aykroyd.

I don't know who that is, but I want to fuck him. Oh man. Maybe he'll be in a good day to die hard. But like as Bruce Willis is hunkier. Younger brother. Younger brother. Younger brother. This is my brother Stan McClane.

This is my brother Don McClane. He may look like the actor Dan Aykroyd, but that's impossible. Look how fucking fit he is. Not to be confused with that other Don McClane fool. I would love it if at the end of the movie, Bruce Willis just like takes off, takes off a prosthetic nose and you look at it.

And it was, it was, it was Dan Aykroyd the whole time. You didn't even know. And Dan Aykroyd like pulls out a shot gun. It gives his signature line, get along little doggies. Get along, get along you jerkos. And then he fires at him. I love that, love that series. Love that franchise.

Sure. It's, and it's only getting better. I work in a small rural high school and I have a problem. The principal of my school does not know how to let go of a handshake. He will stand next to you and hold a conversation with you. And without fail, never let go of your hand until the conversation is over. Whether the conversation lasts 10 minutes or 10 seconds or three minutes, he will not let go unless you pull out with the anxiety and fear of an anxious teen.

How do I extricate myself from these sticky situations without being too awkward? That's from shaking in a small spot. His hand is sticky gross. That's an issue. This is an ish of the highest degree. This is a serious situation. There, I have never felt, let me think. Let me think of, I think maybe, really just my girlfriend is the only hand that I've ever

touched that I wasn't immediately like, I don't like the way that that feels. You know what I mean? What happened to me? It's not like, there's always a humor on the, on the human hand that I do not, I do not appreciate being in contact with. I have for the longest time, it's a really weird hang up. But if somebody- Had the stickiest, creepiest hands?

No. But if I shake hands with someone, or if someone like touches my shoulder or something, the first thought that pops in my head is their hand probably smells weird. I don't know why, but like that always is like my first thought. I hate- Can I tell you something, Trav? Can I real talk to you? Yeah.

Your hand has a faintly sweet smell to it. I don't want to cast dispersions, but everything you touch assumes that scent. So maybe you may be right in that assumption because you're passing it on to them. I think I smell wonderful. Okay. Yeah. I think I smell fainting of honeysuckles. You smell like, you do, you smell a little bit like honey.

And that's why, and that, but that's not good because your hand is gigantic. It's enormous. You don't think there's a worse smell than honey? You don't think, no, you smell a little bit like honey. That's it. Just enough to be disconcerting. Right. I'll work on it.

You don't smell like fully like honey. It smells like a honey ham. Is a better way of saying it. When you shake hands with Trav, it's like a honeyed ham. Now, that is not true. I have a wonderful handshake that I've been complimenting on many times. It's because the people are, you inspire fear in their hearts because you have a very large hand. Well, you know, Machiavelli said you can either be feared or loved, but not both.

And I chose to go with fear in my handshake. But then- I love your heart. Love it in the deep pools of my eyes. When someone shakes your hand, Trav, they pull their hand back and they go, what the fuck was that? And then they smell their hand and they go, what the fuck was that? You know, I can't even imagine why people have complimented on the fact that they feel

like the last couple of episodes have been very anti-Travis. If you're listening, rise up. No, I mean, it's not a bad Travis. Chase your bliss. It's not a bad thing. That my hand smells like honey or making it seem like it is. Is it possible that you can convert the handshake to a hug? Oh, like a bro hug?

Like double tap on the back? Yeah, like a bringing in big, like a bump, maybe even not wrap the free arm around, but even like bringing in and then pull out to show like, hey, I'm done with this. Like I'm out of this. That's not gonna- You can't. Something that would make me sincerely- I would, if somebody tried to hold on to me, I would probably lose my mind with like being

trapped in a social situation. Especially like if you don't- When is a handshake appropriate? Like first greeting? Never. No, but I mean in the world, you can't say that because like in a meeting when like, if you work in a business and someone goes, oh, and this is such and such, like you don't just like nod your head.

It's a professional hug. Yes. Yeah, I feel like the hug is the gold standard of these types of things. So I think the weird thing here is not the first- But it's not the time frame for which he'll hold the handshake. It's that every time he sees you, he shakes your hand. I really shake hands with people the first time we meet and then the- When we agreed to kill one another's relatives and we want to seal the deal.

Those are the only times and so we'll never be caught. Those are the only times when I feel like a handshake is appropriate. Other than that, I don't want to hear about it. If you hold on past three pumps, if you go to four pumps, you're officially holding hands. At the very worst, you should just slow your pumps, you know? In Somalia, you're married now. Now, when you say slow your pumps, are you talking about doing a very slow snake dance move? Or maybe you can go side to side pump.

Everyone does up and down pump. Go side to side pump. And I guarantee you three times of that, he'll never shake your hand again. If I fucking ever met anybody businessly and I grabbed their hand to go for the shake, but instead of doing the shake, I did the snake with my arms and I started with my free arm and worked it over and he completed it to completion on his other free arm. I would sign any fucking contract that person put before me because we are then best friends. Sympathica.

Yeah, that's the coolest move. That's a great move. There's no better way to figure out like, do you know how when sometimes you think a person's lame or you just don't think anything of them at all and then you learn that they like say something, like maybe they like a band that you like, you're like, oh, you're actually pretty fucking cool. This is a litmus test for doing that shit at first blush. It's like the test from the thing where you dip the hot wire in the blood. It's a quickest, fastest way to coolness.

Travis, when you say that someone should slow their pumps, you think that that's something you should try to do with your own actions? Or are you literally suggesting a situation where you look this person dead in the eye and say, hey, hey, hey, hey, slow those pumps down. What is the rush in this moment? What is the rush in these pumps? Are you feeling the electricity that ticks us? This is something real.

Why are you rushing these pumps? I bet you Matthew McConaughey would be in twice as many movies if he didn't do that every single time in that foresaw person. If he didn't start with clutching the fingers and then work his way into the palms. Hey, hey, hey, little nephew, why are we rushing pumps? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stevie Spills. Let's slow it on down. I want to be your new Indiana Jones.

Do you want to cross the Matthew McConaughey and Bing Crosby? Who's having a stroke? The most white-beatenest man to ever live. Matthew McConaughey and Bing Crosby's son. Matthew Crosby. Bing McConaughey, please. Bing Conaughey. Please call me Bing.

My father was Mr. McConaughey. Someday at the end times, Matthew Crosby will have to take up arms against Bing McConaughey. One's brother is now bitter sworn enemies. Oh, my Christ. That was my Bing Crosby impression. We got to do this money zone. We got to do, we got to. I don't think we helped that gentleman at all.

Here's what you do. Fucking slap their hand with your other hand. That's why you don't handshake with two hands. So you have the other hand to fight off an attacker. And that's what this person's doing to you. Yeah, they are penning. Would you lose your job if once, after he was done talking, he went to break, you didn't break? And you're like, we can think of more stuff to talk about.

That's good. That's good. Or maybe every time he touches your hand, you'll bad touch. Just like that. No, no, no, no, no. You don't have to address it. Yeah, I need an adult. Okay, seriously, I want money.

Okay. Who's this message for, Griffin? I have no idea. Brad. Who's this message from Travis? I don't know. It's Amber. And Brad says to Amber, happy birthday, love.

I can't imagine my life without noodle in the loaf and all this. Oh my God. Wait, it's noodle and the loaf, not noodling the loaf. I just want to make that clear to everyone. They are both equally unpleasant on a different spectrum of unpleasantness. How do you even do this? I just saw I'm clear. This is Amber speaking to Brad and she loves noodle in the loaf.

Last night we were noodle in the loaf. Oh, yeah, that was great. You're my Ron, my Peeblems, my Bramble Pelt. And she says that Brad is the best writer slash musician slash singer she's ever known. His actual birthday is today. Oh, shit. Double, so double message. Go noodle his loaf and just wait, wait, why is this a double message, Griffin?

Because it's his birthday. Birthday on his birthday? Yeah. Also, I don't think let's not get weird, but I don't think he's the one that has the loaf. I can't actually think about the physics of noodling the loaf. I know I wished it into existence and now I'm trying to wish it away. So I'm going to move on to this message for Amy Hinsworth and Brian. Be safe.

If you're going to, if you're going to noodle the loaf, please be safe. Make sure the loaf is, has cooled down. Don't take it right off the open. There's burns. Don't take your butt loaf right out of the sex of it. If you know, if you know what I mean, and I think you know what I mean, I think you do. There's burns, Amber. Careful, be smart.

Stay in school. Amy Hinsworth, there's a message from Benjamin Hinsworth, your husband. He says, you make my life better in every way. You bring such joy into our world. I love you so much for everything you do in our, you are my heaven and earth, my moon and my stars. And I love you. Thank you for loving me.

And by the way, can we try a noodle in the loaf? I read about it. Well, see, I, I, that's what it says here. That's what it says here. That's what it says here. That's what it says here. That's what it says here. That's what it says here.

Love sauce, which is that I see in what you pour over noodle in the loaf. Yeah, we had this delicious noodle in the loaf. It was that smothered in love sauce. It was delicious. That was, that was really sweet. Um, please put, say, funnier stuff next time for us. Next time, please do a little work for us. I, I, I appreciate your love and it brings, it brings joy to my heart and my life.

But if you could say something in there, like a pop culture reference or something that we could make sound like a penis and a vagina. That'd be awesome. Hey, doesn't it feel like it's time for Nicholas Hyde's birthday? Yeah, it seems like just this time last year. Yeah. And then a year before that, that he turned 91. We're, today we're celebrating the 92nd birthday of Nicholas Hyde from his pal, John.

He, uh, Nick's a 3L law student. Apparently it's taken him a while to get through. He's a vigil game master. Apparently not. Why are you, why are you putting them on blasts like that? Wait, what? What? Sorry about your fucking.

Well, cause he's, cause he's 92 years old. Oh, that's, that's. Cause he's, I feel like you're not saying, he's a big old dummo. Yeah. Uh, and it says he's starting a career in stand-up comedy. Nicholas, your, your birthday present from us is that we're going to force you to choose a career path right this second. Go.

You can either be a lawyer, a stand-up comic, or a video game master. There's, those are the three things that there are to be. Please choose one and move on with your life. One of those jobs pays real well. And then, yeah, one of them's not much, not really a job at all. I would choose lawyer. You'll get like a paycheck and whatnot. That sounds pretty good.

But video game master, that the reward is, is inherent. And the robe you get is beautiful. Yeah. It's all shimmery. And I, I, yeah, I love that. The best thing about being a lawyer is you earn a bunch of money. And you know what the best thing to spend your money on? Ass.

Products. I was actually going to say a box that shocks your dick, but that's pretty good. You guessed a good thing. What, I'm going to give you guys a, I'm going to talk about extrudershanks.com. That is your super store for adult toys, adults only please. I'm going to get, we're going to do a little quiz, a little quick, two to three question quiz, depending on how long your answers take. I'm going to give you guys a name of a product.

Okay. And I want you to guess each guest with no hesitation what, what you think it is. Okay. Who's, who's starting, who's starting? Travis will answer first thing. Okay. First product is nipple boosters. I think it pulls your nipples out.

Okay. I think it's like a jet pack, but you wear it on the front and it's powered by nipple energy. Okay. That is, that is Travis. Travis wins their suction cups that you put on your nipples to heighten them. Okay. Okay. We're going to stick.

I'm sick of my, my nipples are like two inches below sea level. I hate them. My nipples are so lackadaisical. Perk up boys. Uh, pumping buddy, T hose connector. Um, you know, you just know sometimes you're trying to steep your T and you're steeping your T in there, but, and then. And you get lonely and you need a pumping buddy to be there with you.

You think like, I want to get that T, but I want it to go up and set it down. And so this is a special tube. And if you've ever heard of a butt chug. Sure. Yeah. This does it. This does it. But it's specifically with steeped T.

Okay. Travis, what do you think it is? Let me give you a hint. Guess something with dicks. I think that you, you put three dicks in, you form a T and it pumps them. Now, well, it is that tube you connect, you use to connect two dicks or a dick and a clitoris or whatever. Whoa.

Uh-huh. Like a Chinese finger trap. Exactly. Yes. Um, on the subject of guess something with dicks, have you ever considered turning this podcast into like a PSAT prep podcast? This podcast is two dicks. Do we have any, do we have any sort of measurable, um, numbers for if this podcast

does make you better at the PSAT? Yes. Except there are inverse of that. I can't, I couldn't possibly make it worse. Nah, I couldn't make you worse. But anyway, extremestrange.com is your home for awesome, awesome toys that you never knew existed. You guys are buying stuff like, we like to go to the outer edges mostly just because

we've, we've talked about extremestrange so many times that I, I, I can't even get a semi talking about like dildos and stuff. Yeah. That's old hat, man. That's that. That's old hat that seems pedestrian. Are you saying that there once was a time where you could say the word dildo and just like that, full mask?

No, no, but like, no, I'm not right. No, extremestrange.com. Use the coupon code middleist and we're going to save you 20%. Well, we're not going to save you. The find people extremestrange.com are going to save you 20%. You guys are using that one and that coupon code quite a bit. And I would suggest you continue to use it. And all your stuff will become a very discreet box.

None of those big like bright red, this box full of dildos boxes you normally get. You will, you'll be lucky if you could find it. They will make it, they will make it look like the rock you hide your key under. I could have sworn I ordered something for you now. They actually, have you guys seen Looper? What they do is they travel back in time and they give you that dildo 20 minutes before you ordered it. So you've all actually always had that dildo.

Only you go, wait a second, but then you go 30 years and it's your dildo. It was your dildo. They close the loop. I closed my dildo loop. Now close your loop. And by loop, I mean butthole. Close it up with this thing. At extremestrange.com.

Keep on code middleist. Close your loop. You're orgasming wrong. I'm Dan Ackroyd, the brother of old Joseph Ford Leavitt. And I'm going to close your dildo loop. He grew up into me. He grew up into me in an alternate future where someone gave him the dildo. Can you believe it?

No, neither can I. Me neither. I really hope people come to the dildo. In the future dildos are illegal. So we have to put them in this machine and send them back to you and you can save money on them and you got to get rid of them by which I mean put them all the way up your butt until you can't see it anymore. That way future cops can't find it.

Griffin, are you suggesting that the reason Dan Ackroyd's head is increasing in size is because people are using his head to store contraband future dildos? Is that what you're saying to me right now? And as I assume all of you want a my brother, my brother, and me shout out, just go to maxmanfun.org forward slash dumbbotron. And you too could join the podcast. I can't believe that I use the same air in this room to wish those people that said that the stars were each other's love or something to also say that Dan Ackroyd's

head is full of illegal future dildos. My husband Brett and I do the fantasy football league with a couple of friends and I have a dilemma. I would like to flaunt my wins, especially over my husband, as I am the only girl participating. However, I do not want to be mean and upset anyone. How do I celebrate my victories without seeming like I'm throwing it in their faces? That's from a Bama girl. I think it's Bama girl.

It could be Bama girl. I will say this is a hard one for me to answer. Currently, touchdown to Nabi is zero and four. So I think at this point, if I had a win, I would pretty much set my house on fire. In celebration? In celebration. So it's celebration. As the Mario Lopez dispenser, the GM of the Mario Lopez dispenser,

who is currently sitting on a pretty three in one, I think he can't worry too much about it. But can I make a suggestion to our listeners, since that is what we are supposed to be doing? I think taking it from the angle of I'm the only girl and I'm beating you and I'm a girl winning, I think you're just going to alienate yourself and I don't think that that's a good way to go. And you set all of women combat. Just celebrate on the angle that you are winning and they are not. You could send a message.

You could send a message saying, saying like, I'm a woman and this is, so that's normal. And I beat you any. I beat you normal, like a normal person would. Is that good? This is a neutral victory that I'm having. Neutral victory? Jenner has no play in this whatsoever. My points were higher than yours and that's really all it came down to.

But like, let's be honest here. We are talking about game in which you win by picking which other person is actually going to do a real good job in the real world. Yeah, like, bragging is all you have. Like, it is a game composed entirely of just shaming people for your good luck. Like, that's it. Yeah. At least I hope that's it because I'm 0-4 and if it's not chance, then I feel brave about it.

Do you want to know my fantasy football secret and this is not a joke? I follow on Twitter everyone on my team. Okay. And sometimes like Michael Turner will have a good game turning 22 points for the Mario Lopez dispenser. I'll send a little message and say, hey, keep it up. I'm glad that I picked you for my fantasy team. And then maybe Danny Amandola broke his fucking neck and he got four points for me.

I'll say, hey, why'd you do that? Daddy needed those points. So you're doing like some computer chair coaching. I'm doing some Tweet-O coaching. I'll fly overhead and I'll drop those sweet messages in there here. Danny Amandola probably didn't want that. Probably didn't need that. He probably needed support from his loved ones because he's probably never gone ball again.

But I needed him to be a point factory. But that sort of positive or negative encouragement is exactly what those people need to put the, put the PTs up on the board by which I mean points. I, so just brag, brag away. Griffin, can I have a Yahoo, please? You sure can. Um, this Yahoo was sent by Maxwell McCandless. Thank you, Maxwell.

It's by Yahoo Answers User A who asks, my boyfriend goes number two on my bathroom floor. Should I allow this? Should I allow this? I'm asking, I could ask the same thing of this question. Can we allow ourselves to discuss this? Listen, listen to the specifics though. Okay. He says he can't go on a regular toilet because he has to squat due to a medical problem.

Okay, sure. But he cleans, here's the, here's the kicker. Are you ready? But he cleans up afterward. So the only reason that this woman knows that this is happening is because he is coming in and going, hey, John, drop the deuce on the carpet. Don't worry. Full disclosure.

I do not think it's carpet. I hope to God not. I don't think he could ghost it quite that easy. I think that would be much more difficult. The perfect crime. Much more difficult to go. I really need to, I really need to make business, but I don't have a spare 45 minutes. The shampoo's a rock.

We're in the shampooing and the whole machine upstairs. For some reason that grosses me. Step back to, you pop back to Tyler Lanolium and I can work with it. But okay. So everything is coated in feces. This is not a question. Stop, stop, stop, stop. You grossed me out again.

No, I'm saying everything is coated in urine and feces. That's like, that's our world that we live in. Okay. The only time something isn't, is direct, I'm sorry Travis, the only time it isn't after someone has cleaned it. So what he is offering you is a, is a more frequent respite from, it's a clean, you're going to end up with a cleaner fool. So you're saying that the only issue here is your mental block of thinking it's weird.

But in reality, it's a good thing. Except, except you go in and it smells like lice salt on the floor. And you know that you're being a shit on the ground. It's like he did that to you almost. Listen, here's the thing in the real world, brother's got a medical condition where he can't like shit on a real toilet. And the doctor goes, okay, I'm going to send you out in the world with this condition. You'll be fine.

You'll just make dear shit whatever. You're saying this is an unacceptable solution to whatever medical problems I have. I don't know a container or something, but I feel that that would inhibit your personal growth. So just shit wherever you want, friend. Listen, every time you say a pronoun, you vomit uncontrollably. Have fun. Have fun out there.

Have fun. That big view for you. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm just going to get the hang of it. I'm just going to get the hang of your flexible spirit. I'm sorry.

I'm just getting the hang of hypnotism. So I didn't mean to do that to you. I'm sorry. I'm a hypnotist doctor. You probably should have come to me before you gave yourself a self colonoscopy. Goodbye. I've never seen anything quite like this male lactation.

See you in a year. Next check up. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. It'll be cool. Suck it up. Save some of that sweet milk from me, brother. I'll put it in my sex love.

I'm just saying, is it not a possibility that this boy friend just like shitting on his ladies on the floor? He's just like doing that. He just likes doing that to you. Guys, I feel like I'm in the like radiation filled chamber and I've been in for too long and we have to run out of this question. We have to vent.

OK. There are toilets that they use in Japan that are just holes in the floor. You should get him one of those. Or just like a cake pan or something. Just so he's not just shitting on your floor. I'm sorry. What Travis?

Like a disposable cake pan. I cannot run the wrist no matter how infinitesimal. I cannot run the wrist of being out of cake pan. There could be an earthquake. The house would be abandoned for 10 years. You come back a decade of... Where did you get this Pyrox D? Oh Debbie loaned it to me.

No, no, no, no, no. Thank you so. You're setting yourself up for an episode of The Twilight Day where someone serves you meatloaf and you're like, wait a minute. Does that have a chip in the lower left hand corner? No. You're setting yourself up to one day

and probably not tomorrow and probably not the day after that. But that day is going to come where you throw all your dishware away because you forgot which one it was. Because you forgot to mark it. I can't do this question. Yeah, I can't even.

Did the blue one with white or the white one with blue? Oh, burn it all. Burn the house down. Burn the whole thing down. I started a new job after moving to NYC three months ago but the job very quickly became intolerably stressful. I got fed up and looked for a better job and today I was accepted for a position

that's not only better paying but in a much less oppressive environment. My current boss exploded when I gave my two weeks notice. She emailed me four times and called me twice in the course of an hour all to tell me how shocked and disappointed she is. How the company is going to be in trouble because they can't find her placement in two weeks.

How do I survive the next two weeks in a hostile guilt-tripping environment? I want to make sure I make it to my new job and tap guilt to the death. Allow me to help you. I stop going. I don't go there anymore. It sounds whack.

It sounds like a horrible place. I think if you give someone two weeks notice and they make it worse for you to be there, they just got a no-week's notice. They're the worst at that card launch that you get to dip. Yeah, because keep in mind, what kind of wreck is this person going to write you that you would want to provide to any future employer?

You're done there. Well, because here's the thing. Two weeks notice, really, whether it's in your contract or not, is a courtesy. Like, it's something that's there so that they have time to... Sure. It's not like... I mean, let's be honest.

If people get laid off all across this country, they don't get the courtesy of a two weeks notice. But traditionally, from what I understand, I've never quit a job. Um, is that the two weeks is so that they will... That's like the understandable period for them to find a replacement so that you still get a recommendation out of it.

Yeah, but in this circumstance, she's already got another job. Like, what's the boss going to do? Call them back. Hey, my employee gave me two weeks notice, but I don't want her to quit, so you shouldn't hire her. Like, dip. Get out. I would seriously...

I don't think you're going to salvage this, and I know that you want to leave on good terms, but it sounds like these people have already decided that you're leaving on bad terms. So you might as well meet them halfway on this. So you're going to need to take a personal day for the next nine days. Yeah, you just treat yourself to a personal day.

Maybe smoke a little doja, and then go in. Ooh. Ooh, hello. Maybe get a little... Go in drunk. Maybe get some little peaches and herb, and then go in. Yeah, I like that. It's like office space, but instead of getting hip...

Hip motized. Right, you get a little... You're getting... You get a little dip. You're ganja-tized. Okay. Well, I'll work on it. I'll workshop it.

I'll come back. Hip pot-tized? Is that any good? Is that... I don't know. Maybe you spend an hour with a man from Man's Earth Band, and then you roll in and you say, hey, what's up with the work?

Hey. Where's the paper at? Let me sign it. I filed those reports for you. Hey. These keys are crazy, man. We've never signed a marijuana first. It makes you talk like...

That's what it's like. Like you're trapped in a glass box. It makes you talk like a very meek jazz musician. He's afraid of waking the baby. Shoffery sling it. Look at that computer screen. I'm gonna type in an email. I think it'll be such a power play to just start being the guy in your office

who always talks like that. Just low talk, Greg. And everyone's like, what? Excuse me? What did you say? They would eventually... Even if you had put in your two weeks notice, they would ask you to stop coming.

Yes. I can't hear you over the laser printer. What the fuck did you say? I can't believe I just sent that email without a subject. Can you believe that? I wish I put a little... I wish I had a little guy in there. You could just call it back.

Come on back here, man. I like this guy. I like this guy, too. I like this guy, too. Can I talk like this for the rest of my life? Ah, shit. The printer's broken. Oh, what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that? Let me take a look at it. Yeah, that's broken. Oh, you got a jam. She's got a jam. We got a little tone abode going on here. I'm gonna fix this right up. Ooh, ooh, got a lot on my shirt.

That's all right, the old shirt. Okay, well, why don't you just get that screen and just read it out loud to the whole office? I'll get everybody to the shush on down. Hey, everybody. Philip's gonna read this real important email about not eating people's lunch out of the fray.

Go ahead, Philip. Go ahead. Go ahead, Philip. As we say in the jazz world, the stage is yours. Come on. Go on. Don't hold back. Does anybody want some of this?

Why is your rhythm? That's a good cadence, Philip. Anybody want some of this, Jay? Why are y'all grimacing at me? I do want to apologize for bringing my infant son into the office again. Poor little, the baby's here canceled, so poor little Grimace had to come along with me.

Spill on, tuck it out. I did name him after McDonald's. Hey, anybody want up on this splift, Hannon? No, what's that, you'd, uh, you prefer not return tomorrow? Well, that is, of course, your choice. I will, I will hate to not live up to my contribution, but I understand sometimes it just don't work out.

I ain't the way of the world. I know, let me sing you a song I wrote about a situation just like this. I know it's a little song just like this, about a little old caterpillar just wants to fill up his stores of grain. So he plays his fiddle all winter, and then the chicken comes along and tries to eat his grain.

I'll just be gone. You're right. No need to be so sincere. It's best I go now. Do you have a box I can put on my Kutcher mall? Actually, I just have this pin. So I'm just gonna take, whoa, you're being a little rough, sir.

There's no need for that. I'll find my way to the elevator. No problem at all. I did want to hear the end of Phillip's email. Go ahead, Phillip. Phillip, you don't have to just sit there staring. Why you all crying? What's everybody crying?

Phillip, maybe you could forward that to me. I do not own a computer. I will read it at the library. And again, I do want to apologize to everybody for me not wearing pants or underwear into the office today. I don't even believe I work here now that I look back on it. Come to think of it, this is Denny's. So I am sorry about this.

This thing I've been typing on, it's been a placemat. I do understand why my employment is being terminated. That is not a picture of my wife and kids. That is eggs. And now let me scat for you all. It's not what you think. You guys want to see that? It's not what you think.

So this has been my brother, my brother and me. Too much? OK. I'll bring it down. This has been my brother, my brother and me. It's a comedy advice show. Just a couple of three bros laughing, learning, loving, living, leaping. Quantum leaping.

Quantum leaping. I'm just a little jazz musician. Had to go back and say that right once we were wrong. It's like three quantum leaps, three old jazz musicians. Jumped into this thing. We will be back with you next Monday. Hopefully that will be the leap home. Yes, of course.

We solved the problems of these three brothers. Nice. What happened when we jumped? Ziggy. We'll consult with Ziggy to see what the problem is. Let's see. Let's see. I had a little pop computer.

I thought we did pretty good with all the jokes this week. Maybe God. Maybe we worked a little blue at some point. But we have been told this was an adult audience. No, we have committed this far. We're going to drive this baby on home. Hey, do you mind if I take a second to show? Go ahead, Griffin.

Let me go and show my little bit of appreciation to Mrs.... Go ahead, little bro. Go ahead. Go ahead. Jonathan Rodgerick in the long winter for the use of our theme song. He's going to listen. Come on, you're fading out. I'd like to...

No, little brother, don't mean to step on your toes. But I do want to thank the people who use on Twitter to get their message on out there about our little comedy show here. E. John's 88. Vintage Spiffy, you know him. Iggy Kay, King Minto, nobody gaming. Fox Shet, Brandy McStam, everybody. Thank you so much for getting that.

Getting that old word out. Yeah, I want you one more. Hey, how about maybe just one more question and take us all on into infinity. Hey, Travis, do want to thank you again for joining us this week. Sorry for talking about your sweet statements. That's all I got. I know what you do.

It's fine. No, that was good at it. He just sounds racist. That's not so quiet. I knew I shouldn't have went to the pit, so I just got quiet. The two things that Travis has going for him are hands that smell like haunted hams

and a real honest self-assessment of his talent. He's really... I know that voice abilities are not my strong suit. You're just... This here, finally, y'all, who answered what's in about Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's about a guy who answers you as a Jolteon 01.

Who asks? Hey, what's the difference between Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Hailey Joel Osmond? This been my brother and my brother and me. Why don't you grab your old daddy who's playing sweet and right on his nepheroes? You tease. Keep your heart, three stacks.

Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.