My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 125: Tuggies

Episode Date: October 22, 2012

We know that this particular episode may seem directionless, even more so than the typical MBMBaM experience. To that criticism, we would respond: Not all who wander are lost. Yeah? Think about that, critic guy. Suggested talking points: Penthouse to Basement, Ghost Combos, Splitting Tips, Woodcock, Flying Knife, Usher's Advocate

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome, my brother, my brother, me, your advice show for a modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet- Now, Griffin, did you want, did you want me, did you want me in it? Oh, this is awkward. Can I finish? I'm Griffin. Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, fuck.

Let me loose. All right, spit that. I'm enough fucking. I'm enough. No, it's just not going to happen now. Let's cancel the whole show. Griffin, they got to know who you are. They got to know who you are, Griffin. I'm a baby. Got to love me. You guys dinosaurs. Dinosaur's, it's back now. Griffin, you had a little thrilling tale you were going to tell about a bug. Skeeto, got a Skeeto in my office. Can't see it, been looking, but I got bite. I got one bite on my wrist and I know I'm going to have like 12 bites by the end of this show. Open gong style. Okay, so basically all of the possible openings that we discussed. Travis, do you want to talk about Halloween costumes? Like it was

spooky scary. Have you guys heard this guy, this, this gang, gang, gang, gang, gang style? It's all about plaids. It's all about tasteful plaids. There should be an episode of put this on called gang style. Don't you think that's pretty good, right? Yeah, I'd say half life for that goof is about 13 more minutes. So if he can possibly, if he can get the crew together real quick, squeeze it out. So here on this program, are you going to tell you, finish your story about the bug? I was getting into it. It literally is. There's a bug in my office. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm not like bug-phobic, but I'm delicious to, delicious to bugs, extra delicious. You eat too many nanas. Is that it? Yeah, mosquitoes, they love bananas. Right, but do they love,

like I turn those bananas into poop pretty quick. So like. No, you get it in your skin excretions. Okay. I don't like to, I don't like to think about the fact that I have those. Oh, that's fair. Guys, we got a, I want to get to the advice, but we got a wonderful letter this week and it, it, it, it came to us. The letterhead, the envelope is from, uh, Kinesis College. And we got an email from a girl named Malina. Maybe a woman. Who? Maybe a woman, a woman named Malina. Well, I said girl because she's just out graduating, but yeah, I guess, I guess woman is correct. And she sent that to our, uh, post office box. It's, uh, PO box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 25706. And, uh, she, she's a fan of the show who's, who's a sophomore at Kinesis

College and, and, uh, she stole an envelope from there to mail us. And she sent a photo of herself in her, uh, in her cap and gown. Uh, and she said that we are the reason she is pregnant. That doesn't seem likely. I mean, that, I don't want to, I don't want to put. Last part was not true, but everything else. I don't like putting fans on blast, but that, there's no possible way that we ever aided anyone with any sort of educational, um, progress. I like, there is someone out there who has slumdog millionaire, my brother, my brother, and me. They're, what fucking possible collection of course loads could anyone ever be offered that would touch on the things that we talk about? Animal, animal husbandry specifically

geese. Yeah, that's one. What about, didn't we talk about different flavors of cotton candy once? Yeah, sure. Because why would that ever be part of a collegiate program though? Clown College. Go home. Let's get to some actual questions. Well, I, I want to, as long as we're wasting time, uh, I, I want to, no, I want to thank, uh, you had to go back to your bug story. I want to thank it's, I'm up to two bites. I got one on my knee. Like, don't worry about it though. So I want to thank everyone who donated on, on max fun day last week. We, uh, we did very, very well. Um, they, thank you so much to, to all the donors and our, our, our listener base is now composed of two

groups, donors and boners, and you know what side you fall on. That's all I'm going to say on the matter. Uh, let's, here's our first question. I'm planning on moving into an apartment for the first time soon. I'm looking around at some apartments and one in particular has apartments available. If he says apartments again, I'm going to lose it. Uh, it's such a fun word, apartments available on the first floor and the top floor. My question is, which would be better to move into? My friends seem split on the decisions. So I think some insight from MB and BAM is needed. That's from occupying Ontario. I think it's like the easy it's the easiest question ever. It's the bottom. It's of course the bottom floor 100%.

It's like, do you want to walk an extra? Think about like all of the times that you're going to have to negotiate those stairs. Like, do you want to walk a hundred miles for no reason? No, of course you don't. And it may seem, you may think like I've only have to move in and out once, but that one time, man, Griffin and I, we lived on a third floor apartment when we first moved to Cincinnati and getting our sofa and chairs and shit up. It was a two day job. It was fucking miserable. That was the worst. Yeah. And also, if you live on the ground floor, it's so much easier for people to find your apartment without like wandering through the building, trying to find where you live. Also, do you know how Dr. Adkins died? Slipped on some stairs, fell right down him

and died. And then the world got super fat again. So just things to keep in mind. The only upside to the top floor is you get some sweet, sweet balcony action. Yeah. Yeah. Another benefit is that if the apartment catches on fire, then you're definitely going to die. So that's another bonus. Can I say, again, we are in a situation where more information would, is necessary to, like he says, no, he says top floor, right? Yeah. Now is top floor like up five flights of stairs bad? Or is it like 30th floor throw open the window to the balcony, Jay-Z, run this city, 30th floor. Like, oh, are you thinking like helicopter landing pad on the top of the building? Exactly. Are we talking like the top floor? Do you mean the penthouse? I like to

think that this person has enough goddamn sense in the head that they wouldn't have to ask us like, should I live in the sweet Las Vegas Playboy penthouse or in this prison cell in the basement? I also would like to think since this person is moving into their first apartment, that this is not like a blank check type situation where he's just been handed a million dollars. He's like, I guess I'm taking that swing apartment up on the top. But the alternate, I mean, the alternate to the situation you're describing Griffin is that this is a person who cannot tell the difference for whom stairs or no stairs is a binary choice that you can actually decide on rather than a self-evident truth that you, of course, you don't want.

Sure, but maybe the top floor is bigger. Maybe the downstairs apartment is a smaller apartment. Because what kind of fucking top heavy building do you think this is? No, I'm saying that maybe it's like a house that's been converted to apartments. And like the downstairs is two and the upstairs is one. I'm just saying that there are factors here in which it may not be a straightforward, but I still stand by that it is straightforward. And the answer is always the bottom four. Obviously the bottom four, it's going to be nice. It depends. No, it doesn't. It does. Because my first apartment ever was in the West Virginia building, the tallest building in Huntington, West Virginia. I was on the 13th. That's actually the coal exchange building. What

going on? I was in the, why you got put me on blast? Well, I mean, if you're just going to fucking spit a bunch of nonsense. I was on the 13th floor. We played, we rose shampooed to decide who got the rooms. There was one very small room with a painted shut window, one slightly larger room with no windows whatsoever. And then another room on the corner of the 13th, like all windowed walls looking out like the pimpest view of the city ever. And we had to rosehambo for it. And I won fortunately. And it was like a totally sweet, is a totally sweet deal. You could look out on all of Huntington Splendor. That was kind of nice. That was worth the, that was worth the, you know, minute and a half long elevator trip up and down. I think that there does come a certain point where

like you pass like fourth floor and it gets to be like, well, now the height is just awesome. I would say, I would say more than fourth. I would say eight, 10 floors. At least. I mean, think about the, the look on your nannies face when she says, when she says, listen, occupying Ontario, I want you to take my sleeper sofa. And you say, thanks. Thanks, num num. Somebody calls his grandma and I want you to take my sleeper sofa. And then you just have to sit there, sit it on her lawn, pretend like you're taking it and sit it on her lawn and burn it. Yeah. You have to do that because you can't take it into your new apartment. Cause if you've ever tried to move a sleeper sofa, it's the worst period at all. Try to do it. You know that it is not anything

anybody would ever want to do ever. Sure. And also the fire, the fire thing is pretty bad. Just keep in mind the fire thing. And the other thing about sleeper sofas is, I don't think I've ever opened one up where there's not something in there. Yeah. Cheerios. Cheerios and Snickers wrappers. There's like a highlighter in there for some reason. There's the highlights. There's some highlights. Somebody was reading about Goofy's and Gallant in there. I don't know. It's a flashlight. They made a tent. Did you guys know that the blank check house is here in Austin, Texas? No. Yeah. Did you guys also know that in that film, he bought a fucking mansion for less than a million dollars?

Yes. A million dollars was the sum total of money that the child had. And he bought, he bought literally everything in the world. Yeah. Okay. Okay. But wait a minute. But wait a minute. The year, if I, so you're, we're talking about blank check. They're talking about a mansion. Is the mansion in the theory of the story, is, is the mansion in Austin? I don't know that the film was set in Austin because they go to an amusement park and I don't think there's anything really nearby. There's some, I want to hate you. There's some shit down in New Braunfels, but I don't think they would go to New Braunfels in the, in the fiction. In the fiction, they wouldn't go to New Braunfels. He fucking hired fat, fake John Candy to drive him around. Like that would cost

more than a million dollars nowadays to pay a fat, fake John Candy to be your butt. He had like a wall of like 30 TVs, right? Yeah. That's at least a cool three mil. And he had like a slide installed in his house. Yeah. That's two, that's 20 mil right there. And like a virtual reality chair and like a big bouncy ball thing. Like what the fuck? Yeah. What kind of discount places he's buying all this shit from? Got it on Craigslist. If you're looking, if you're looking at New Braunfels right now, I can get you into like a nice six bed, seven bath on, on Park Road. And that's going to cost you 1.4 million. And that's not even, that's not even counting fucking water slide. It's not

counting the expensive date with the woman who kind of looked like more famous women of the era. And also you can't hire fat, fake John Candy to be your best friend forever. Just can't do it. Not for that kind of money. If you, if that movie was called 200 blank checks and then you, you got a mil on each of them, maybe we could talk, maybe we could talk. So if you're, but, but hold on. I want to give you some perspective and this is, this is very indicative of how our economy has gone in a million, a million dollars in 1994 equals 1.5 million dollars. Not even close though. Not even close. How are, how are things, by the way? How is, how is your economy that, that inflation? That's crazy. That's, that's rough

and tumble. But it's even, even still, do you think that fake Sinbad would threaten to kill a child for one and a half million dollars? Do you mean tone low Griffin? Sorry Griffin, do you mean tone low? You bigot? Because I believe Sinbad is fake tone low. I got him switched. I think if you check the math. I did it bad. He did a wrong job. I don't mean to make this a fucking, the unofficial blank check cast. What I'm saying is that the whole movie is horseshit and I would like to talk about it for about 40 more minutes. Is he, but okay, but is he leasing? Oh. I want to read another question, but Travis, do you have two in a row from Ontario? Apparently I do. I like that. Are we sure it's not from the same person? Yeah, it's different people.

Okay. Oh, this is good. We should say this for next week, but I'm just going to go ahead and snap. This is a teaser to get, to get more of the same. I want to snap into this particular slim gym. I work in a haunted building. It used to be a hospital which has since been turned into a retirement home. Many of the employees have encountered weird things like whispering in the ear when they're alone and see reflections in the glass and no one's behind them. Even the extreme of an employee getting thrown against the wall, which somebody saw. The problem is that I don't believe in any of that stuff, but I want to. How can I convince whatever is haunting my work to prove they exist to me? That's from wanting to believe in Thunder Bay, Ontario. You got to

fucking that hospital. You've got to get high. You've got to have sex. You've got to curse and you've got to be black. I think you gotta say things like, oh no, that's just a legend. That's just a legend. If you do these things, the killer will reveal themselves to you. If you say stuff like, I'm just one day away from retirement from hospital work. Yes. If you say, I hope no one eats this ghost food I laid out, then that is a pretty sure way to get them. Now specifically, Justin, can you, because I know that you had a brief ghost hunter face, what is the, what kind of food, what kind of food are we talking about? Okay, well, ghost combos. Is that the ghost of combos or combos? So when you eat, okay, so you get a bowl, you fill it with combos. Okay. You

eat all the combos in that bowl. But you got to make sure that you leave the combos there long enough for the energy to soak in the area. Sure, the spectral residue from these combos. How come that's not on the fucking bag of ingredients? What if my kids allergic to spectral combo residue? Thanks for nothing, General Mills. My kids dead. The other important thing is you have to eat them as violently as possible to be sure to leave behind the spirit. All right, it's best if they have an unrequited love. You need some sort of unfinished business. One of the combos is maybe going to go to college, you know, something like that. Man, fuck. Oh my God, guys, I, on a whim, I have just searched for ghost equipment on Amazon.

And now I'm off to the races. Oh, darn it, because that is, oh golly, this is a new thing. I'm to afford your new ghost hunting equipment. Are you gonna pawn your fushigi balls? Do you just hove from one dumb thing to another? I think my, I feel like my skill in the art of fushigi is, or as we call it, contact juggling is really about to blossom. Do you think that you could use your fushigi to attract ghosts? I thought my shit was cool, but what do you do? Yeah, that I'm haunted by the ghosts of my dignity. It was there that it disappeared as I When I suggested that you fuck at your place of business, first of all, it's just a great idea because it feels great to do it. But more importantly, ghosts are real dirty, which we've

discussed many times. And so if you get, if you get down, then a ghost is going to want to come by, see what's happening, maybe try to participate. I mean, you catch him in a dream catcher. You catch him in a dream catcher, like in the movie Dream Catcher or something. Hey guys, next week, let's make our entire show about ghosts. Okay, everybody send your ghost questions. Do you have ghost questions or do you have a terrifically spooky tale of when you were haunted by a ghost? I'm getting spooked just thinking about it. And we'll tell you about how we used to get drunk in an old asylum. We'll tell you about the creepy warehouse where they used to store the pink Cadillac that our dad Joe for work. And now it's

a 7-Eleven. Oh, man, I'm getting scared just thinking about it. Griffin, do you have a Yahoo question? Sure, I have a few. This one was sent in by Justin Brown. Thank you, Justin. It's by Yahoo Answers Use Your Question mark. I'm starting to think question mark is on an actual, like, legit Yahoo answer name. Maybe it's like, if you're a Yahoo answer name, it's like real, like racist or offensive. They just, they switch it out. Instead of that, can you just start saying the riddler? This one was sent in by the riddler. Thanks. Thanks, the riddler. No, Yahoo Answers Use Your Question mark asks, how do I become like dog the bounty hunter? I am a big fan of dog the bounty hunter would love to go around catching bad guys and hauling them to jail. Would I need to

immigrate to America? Or could I do this in the UK? What weapons am I allowed to have? Can I drive faster, do the job? Wouldn't you love if he came to America illegally and the dog had to be sent after him? And at the same time, he was hunting dog. I learned for watching you. I just went a bounty hunt and there's nothing to bounty hunt in the UK. This is a 12 year old kid with a mullet and a leather vest. Let's go down the extensive list of reasons why you'd have to move to America to do this job. The extensive list. A, there is absolutely no crime in the UK. Nothing behind. Way more crime here. B, you can't have weapons in the UK, you goose. No, no, that's a big problem. Do you think you can just walk down the street with a big can of bear mace in the yuck?

You can't. Now, I do, I do want to, um, I do want to point out that, uh, dogs of bounty hunter is legally barred from entering the UK because of a slight mild case of a murder conviction in 1976. Wait, really? Yes. So you could corner the market in the UK because dog cannot come there and chomp your flavor. Is it? Okay. Did you just like Google dog to bounty hunter UK or did you just like know that? That's just something I know. Uh, he killed somebody. This just happened. Well, no, it just happened in August. They wanted him to be on a celebrity big brother over there and he couldn't because he was, he has a murder conviction. Cool. Is it cool Travis? Cool. No, it's cool in that like not cool kind of. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. I get you. I get you. Suddenly, my whole understanding

of what dog the bounty hunter stands for is, is just ripped apart. Um, is, is it? Okay. Here, I, I am dog the bounty hunter or rather a knock off. I want to be dog bounty hunter. My name is dog with two G's dog. Oh, okay. Um, my name is rough pup and I'm here to take you down. That's my catchphrase. Um, I know rough pups here. Stop all the crime quick. Um, so anyway, I show up and I have to hit a man repeatedly with a bat to stop his crime that he's doing. Cops show up. How does this shake out this scenario? They walk it. They walk in on this, um, on this scenario and they see it. They see what I've done. What's, what's the result? I think that you, you probably before you're able to bounty hunt have to go through some sort of

training course or course. Okay. But in this, let's just say in this fiction, I have no fucking interest in doing that. I think you have to also kill the cops. Yikes. Yeah. And then everything spirals. I went to a private college via financial aid and so after graduating now, I have a lot of friends with rich parents who love having dinner with their children and me oftentimes at restaurants that are expensive for my low salary. 100% of the time they end up paying for the meal. But if there's any doubt about whether they will, I get uncomfortable when the check comes. I used to fumble with my wallet, pretend that I was going to pay my share, but that got really uncomfortable. Is it okay to just ignore the bill completely?

That's from not and landers in New York. I used to do that. I used to do that game where I get on my wallet. Where do I keep, where do I keep the fucking money in here? It's wallet so big. I know I left some, I slid some into a side compartment. Uh, no, I mean, I, I don't, I think that's a little insulting actually to like people are onto that game. They're crafty because they have money. They know how it works. They had to be tricksy to get, to get that fortune in the first place. If people want to pay for dinner, like they, part of the thing with paying for dinner is you feel like, um, you know, you feel like, uh, uh, uh, uh, like a champ. Yeah. I feel like you're taking care of people. Good rule of thumb. Like very rarely will someone be like, Hey, I want you to,

I want to take you to dinner. And then when you get there, like you're, you're going to pay for your own stuff. Right. Like I, I don't know that that's ever happened to me. I used to feel the same way and be like, Oh, suddenly I feel like, should I ask, should I bring it up? Will they just tell me or just be cool. And if they ask you out to dinner, then they're probably paying for it. But it's not, give them the definite. I think, I think if you don't, if paying for it is not an option, you've got to go with the full bluff and you've got to take the check and you got to say, guys, don't, don't worry about it. I'll get this one. And then you get your little, uh, reading glasses out. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. If you have a tip calculator in your wallet, the only way I'm

like, Oh, I think 30% on this one. What do you guys, if you don't consider the bill, then you're not doing the bluff correctly. If you don't put on a little green visor and, and really, really crunch some numbs, then you, uh, they're not going to buy it. Of course, that bluff, that barrel will go over the waterfall, um, maybe once. And then you're in a whole heap of trouble. It is good though. I wish they paid the bill first. I wish that was the first thing you did because it makes, it would, or decided on that at least, because it make, it would make ordering a lot easier. Because that's always a high-pressure situation. Because if you know somebody else is paying, you know, I fucking love this idea more than any other idea we've

ever generated. I love the idea of a restaurant you show up to and you say, bring me $50 of food. And then they, you know what? No shit. There's the restaurant that I just went to yesterday. There's an option on the menu that basically you pay $25 and they just bring you some courses. I love it. Like it's chef's choice and it's just like you pay $25 and the chef brings it. That's good also for when you're drunk. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just going to chew for a while. Hopefully by the end of it, I will be full. I also think that, man, maybe you should offer to pay. You know? How often are they still taking you out? No, I don't think, I don't think you should offer to pay. I think you should be gracious. Oh, definitely. I think that's a much more, I mean,

like that's the better part of it. It's goofy and a little insulting because, okay, if you're a, if you're a wealthy parent and you're taking your kid out and their friends out for dinner, part of the reason you're doing that is because it'll make you feel good. So if you are out of dinner and one of your kid's Torpy friends is like, wow, let me see what my portion is of that, Mrs. Jonas, then you're going to think, well, what do you think of me? Do you think I need help buying your fucking French dip sandwich for $7.99? Because I don't. See, this is like your waiter. Always be on point and always ask how to do the checks. A savvy waiter first thing we'll say, and have you never seen that before? I have, but not at a high class restaurant.

It depends on the establishment. If you have more than four people. The only dodge happens right at the beginning, it's nice. Yeah, except, oh, I don't eat at TGI Fridays. You know what I mean? Like I'm not a movie Tuesdays. If it has the name of a day of a weekend. You have just listed the two restaurants I've eaten at in the last two weeks. Excellent. In the correct order as well. That's a M.S.J. easy. If you live in Austin, like every restaurant serves delicious Tex-Mex food and is in a giant dinosaur or something equally. All the meals are served here in Cincinnati. It's all TGI. All the meals are served out of mason jars. Yeah. Welcome to Slurpers. The whole restaurant's lit with different novelty Christmas lights.

That's actually, that one's actually not far off. Listen. I love this restaurant. Listen. I don't think it's a restaurant. I think that we've wandered into someone's attic. I'm trying to eat, I'm trying to eat the, it's a boy bubblegum cigars. They've left this saved as a keepsake. Also, we might be raccoons. Welcome to the best comedy advice cast that is hosted and performed exclusively by raccoons. Four raccoons by raccoons. People are so surprised when we go to live shows. Skinning around and rummaging through purses. People are always so surprised that it turns out we're raccoons this whole time. Every time I take raccoons out for dinner, there's always that

awkward moment where they realize they're raccoons. Yeah. And they don't have wallets. Yeah. It's adorable, but I mean, I feel bad for them. So you're ordering garbage again. Okay, again. You're ordering every time I take you out. We could have just gone to Slurpers. You either get the buffalo chicken sandwich or garbage. It's the only two things I've ever heard you order. Is it bad form to offer these parents maybe a tug? As you're leaving, like, hey, Greg, do appreciate the vitals. I will hit you on the tug. You name the time and place. I will get that tug right out the door, right to you. You know, Sunday morning, that's when I go to church. Unless I am at church, I am tug ready.

You just say the word. I will handle the gratuity if you know what I mean. I think you do. I think it's a little, I think it could be perceived as slightly, not, I mean, I don't necessarily think it's polite to offer to split the tip. I think it's polite. Well, no, God, not during a tug. That would be, oh my God. That would be horrific. Who would want that? You're into some weird stuff, Danny's dad. But man, that French tip was good. So I guess hey, unless you want us to split the tip, then we're going to need to go to the money zone. So, welcome to the money zone. As you know, we've been sponsored by Extreme Restraints for the last couple of weeks. And we also- By couple of weeks, you mean 14, right? For the last 28 weeks, we've

been sponsored by Extreme Restraints. We received an email from Ali, who works in the warehouse at extremestraints.com. And she is an avid, my brother, my brother, me listener. And she just wanted to let us know that hearing our spots for the company that she works for for the last two months has filled her with nothing but joy and pleasure. And her heart is warmed by this partnership and thanks for being hilarious and fun with your ads and overall supporting this great website. I'm proud to be synonymous with my brother, my brother, me. Right again. Synonymous. There we go.

Thank you. Your synometer. So, Ali, thank you so much. And now we're going to talk about boners and stuff. You know, that email warms my heart. But if I want my scrotum warmed, I go with the mini remote control 10 function egg. I don't- That's a remote sex toy. I've been fucking up. So, because I just put like a towel on there and then I like shoot- That's that old shit. I put a towel right on it and then I use the hairdryer right on there. You gotta watch out for that because you'll dry and crack. Yeah. Jesus.

What? You know- I want to listen. Listen. It's my birthday. I'm trying to treat my balls right. What else is there for me on this one, on this website? Well, how would you, how would you like- There are some really good jewelry actually that I'm just now seeing. That's nice.

I've never dipped into the jewelry before. There's one that looks like a snake is coming out of your wiener. Ooh. When you say, now when you say jewelry that makes it look like a snake is coming out of my wiener, are we talking about like a brooch? We talking about like a pendant? Let me tell you what we're talking about. Is this like one of those brooches that has like an old lady on it?

It's like ivory. It looks like, you know what I mean? Like ceramic. No, it looks like some sort of weird return to Oz metal snake robot is crawling out of your penis hole. So not like a lady reading a book. This has just forwarded me the picture and it is in fact a picture of a dick as well. I guess I should have assumed that. Yeah, I just said my brother's a picture of a dick. Must be Sunday.

I guess I should have assumed it was just a picture of a dick. Rachel, you got to see this. So extrematrace.com is your super store for adult novelties. If you use the coupon code middleist as you're checking out, you're going to get 20% off of your order. It's a ring that looks like a it's looks like a dick. Like a snake's coming out of a dick. Like a metal coil, like a snake, but it's coming out of the dick hole and it's like wrapping around.

Anyway, go to extrematrace.com, spell just like it sounds, and use the coupon code middleist to get 20% off. And thank you so much extrematrace for sticking with us all the for all these weeks. They are it is one of the few sponsor program relationships I know of where the fans actually look forward to the ads and demand that they continue. We've heard from people specifically saying, I hope you never stop being sponsored by extrematrace. They're rooting for advertising.

So I thank you to them and thank you to you guys for being cool. I can't speak for them, but I think this shits for life. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think we got something real here. I think we're BFS. I look for these ads too. I did not know you could come a snake. Didn't I?

Yeah, I remember when this relationship first first blossomed, we got an email from Teresa's thorn. It was basically to see like, I didn't know if you guys would be okay with this or if this would be the sort of thing you would be comfortable doing. And it's like, have we not met? This is the greatest day of our life, Teresa. This is the best thing that's ever happened to us. I ran through the hallways of work just screaming,

you'll never believe. You'll never believe. So thank you. Thank you to them and thank you to us. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. You want a yahoo? You know I do.

Before we continue, I don't know if you guys know, but there was a tragedy this week. I'll fucking quit the show. I know what this is. Has passed away at the age of 88, Leonard B. Stern. He was executive producer for Get Smart. He worked on Sergeant Abilko and he was also the creator of Mad Libs. I'm not going to fall in your fucking trap.

And I was asked by many, many of the listeners to give me a few legy for Mr. Stern and I would like to read what I've written now. Okay. Today the world has lost a great palindrome. Leonard Stern renowned Sassafras frothy poop train and dwarf paladin died at the age of swoop. He was born in a small town of Throbbing, Wisconsin and attended Yackety Sacks University. After leaving school, he got his start as an applesauce splurger, but quickly advanced to pommel horse in a prominent haberdashery.

His co-workers described him as a sketchy and smarmy, and that if you needed a boondoggle, he was your flubber. In his later years, he became a much more carmel gentleman, referring to the company of K.B. Gibbler. The funeral service would be held at Bumbo Butt Mortuary, and guests are asked to bring a fart for the moist widow and her three stanky children. Uh, uh, uh, listen, Mr. Stern, I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I brought you a fart.

Would you, okay, now here's the question. If you're bringing a widow a fart, do you bring the a fart in a jar, or do you wait until the exact appropriate moment? Introduce yourself to the widow and then fart. Are you actually bringing in a casserole dish? I brought you this morning. Listen, I don't want to be that. Just pop it in the oven for 30 minutes. I am going to need this back, uh, later, so please return to me.

This is my good fart pan. Once you've, once you're done with the fart, please bring the fart pan back. I, I'm glad this, this dude's dead. Sorry, like, sorry, I know he's a comedy legend probably, but I'm glad he's gone. I, if only it could have happened before he invented Mad Libs, you know? That's messed up. I'm just saying, I wouldn't mind looping him. He was actually on, uh, he was one of the producers on Supermarket Sweep.

Oh, I mean that, that, is there a window there where I could, I could looper him, between the invention of Supermarket Sweep and the invention of the Mad Lib? Cause I don't want to, I don't want to sacrifice one for the other, you know what I mean? Right, yeah, absolutely. Um, no. Fuck. Uh, I got a yahoo for us. It's, uh, it's by, uh, thank you for sending it in Colin Dinsmore.

It's by yahoo answers user Jake who asks, does my PE teacher like me? We were playing a game of rugby and he told me to do a lap of the field. Yeah. Okay. That's it. How bad is this guy at interpreting signals? That's the given circumstances that we, we have to work with? That's about it, but I don't like, that's kind of just like the PE way.

That's like what they do. It's hard to know if you, listen, some of us have always been curious of whether or not our PE teacher is like this. And I don't mean in a romantic way. We all know the answer to that question. Some of us are just seeking the approval of a PE teacher. I remember when I was watching Mr. Woodcock and thinking, I wonder if my PE teacher- That fucking movie!

I just thought I had to read it. Shot of a mascot. Are you having a fucking laugh about the existence of Mr. Woodcock as a film? Oh man. Is that what tickled you? It wasn't a specific- It was just like existed and Sean William Scott was in it. And you just can't believe that those two things are true.

Did you guys have any good PE teachers? No, we're going to find the humor in this bit if it kills me. You are apparently already found it. Apparently it's no, you need to look no further than your DVD rack to see a copy of Mr. Woodcock. Your three copies, one for every day, one for special occasions and one for archive. I couldn't own that fucking movie because every time I saw it, I looked over in the rack. I can't believe either of you unsportsmanly fucks don't have a single funny gym teacher story. The only gym teacher story I have is my gym teacher in elementary school telling my parents

that I probably had ADD and I did in fact. So thanks for that. It sounds like he saved you a lot of money in the diagnosis department. Thank you for acknowledging my mental deficiencies early on. I appreciate that. I didn't have any funny PE teachers. I'm probably forgetting one. There's probably one listening now that says, hey, I was funny.

I worked my ass off. I worked my ass off for you guys. Do you remember we were doing jump rope for heart and I made all those wisecracks to keep you guys motivated? Remember I called a jump rope for fart? Do you remember? Do you remember? Can we not?

You guys want a different yahoo? Yeah. Okay, this one is. An additional one, right? You're not going to edit out where you laughed at Mr. Woodcock for 20 minutes. Oh, God. The name's good too. Oh, that's what I'm laughing at.

It's got cock in it and also wood. It's like a double boner joke. If that movie was about ventriloquists, it would be the best movie ever. So this one was sent by Justin Brown. Thank you, Justin. It's by Yahoo Answers user IntelligentJohn who asks, have you ever tried to punch a bird? That's all the things that there is. Like an anger or like predominance of like a bird you own or bird flying by?

Well, let's run through each of those. A, I don't think you can hunt a bird with punches. They're live creatures. You gotta tap the bird on the shoulder when it turns around and you punch it. Would a bird stand there and take it? Could you get the jump? You couldn't pull that on a cat. If you try to punch a cat, he's going to go spectral.

He's going to disappear. If you try to punch a bird, I'm not sure if they have that sort of cat ESP that would allow them to avoid it. So you're saying like a cockatiel sitting on its little perch in your room and you just like walk in and you've had a bad day and you're like, I'm going to fucking punch that bird. And you swing your fist, the bird's all you've thought about all day. It's the only way you got through me. Maybe your little brother trained that bird to say some really offensive shit.

And he's just eating up at you. You got that three p.m. feeling. You're like, I can't wait to get fucking home and punch my fucking bird. Just really let loose and punch the shit out of that bird. And you're saying that perhaps the bird would just turn and look at you and just take it full on the face and maybe do that thing where dramatically like its head snaps to the side and then it looks back and like wipes off the blood off its beak. Oh, I love this.

And then it comes at you just crazy balls. And all of a sudden it's just a hardcore throwdown in your room, the throwdown showdown between you and your cockatiel. And the stuff's just getting rowdy. Can we not say cockatiel? Well, first of all, we can't say cockatiel because I'm going to throw up again. Your wood cockatiel. But your Mr. Wood cockatiel.

Also, a cockatiel would just disintegrate if you punch it. Let's talk about a hard of your bird. Okay. Maybe you've got like a blue Amazon parrot. Maybe you've got an ostrich. Then that's a scoring parter right there. Yeah, ostriches are mostly dinosaur. You don't start shit with an ostrich.

Can I go to the pet store and say, I want a bird. Hold up. I want one that can take a punch. Not one that will get. I know what you're thinking. I don't want this bird to buckle over like a little bitch. Why punch it? How come as many times as I've seen chickens killed on TV,

I've never seen a ostrich decapitated with machete. Can you imagine how sweet that would be? I feel like that's a myth buster's waiting to happen. Yeah. Here's a myth. That would be awesome. Why would that be awesome? Think about how long it's neck is.

There is a lot of neck. Where would you cut your so many options? You could do like a back flip with a sword and chop it anywhere, and that head's going to come right off. You're saying it would look awesome. As long as we're doing that, then can we do the cartoon thing where they tie two flamingos together? I want to try that.

What cartoon thing are you? What cartoon? They do that with flamingos all the time. I think it's in Alice in Wonderland. What avian cartoon snuff films are you watching? And by the way, we haven't properly addressed the fact that Justin wants to cut an ostrich's goddamn head off. I was trying to steer the conversation away from that.

Away from the fact that our brother's a serial killer. See, it would just be fun. I don't want to do it. I'm saying I want to see it on YouTube. They are beautiful regal birds. They're basically super swans. It's what they are. They're mega swans.

I think if you have something with that long of a neck, it is just begging to be decapitated. Do you think that somewhere like God or the creator of whatever is sitting around going like, I can't believe nobody's decapitated those birds yet. I gave this to him. That was a gimmick. Did you just get...

A theological one. Whatever supreme being created ostriches. Obviously made them for best. I didn't want to alienate the Venn diagram of people that both don't believe in God, but also want to see ostriches killed. Yeah, sure, sure. I didn't want to alienate them.

You know that flamingos are not always pink. They're pink because their color is determined by their diet. So you think it's a lifestyle choice? Yeah, because they... Did you guys know about that? They aided the shrimp and they turned it pink. I don't shrimp and pussy. Man, did you guys know that about flamingos?

They're freaks. Oh man, they will just... I want to see a flamingo and an ostrich make love. I know that's coming out of left field, you guys, but God will be beautiful. The jokes on you birds can't love. They're not capable of it. That's why you got punched them.

I'd like to just see them sex each other. What is with people who have birds as pets seriously? Doesn't make any sense. I want a pet that I can't touch and is also as loud and as constant as a fire alarm. And at any given moment might just flip out and try to pet my face. I want something in my house that I can't interact with

that will just periodically shit everywhere. Yeah, and make a terrible noise and I hate it. I hate this thing. And that literally if someone leaves the window open, it's gone forever. And it'll never come back. A bird is never going to look at you with anything more than those sad, soulless, dead eyes.

Well, what passes for eyes? They're a little more than polished opals. They just stare right through you. And they're never going to love you. They're just birds. Oh wait, I'm like, I have to point out, unlike cats and dogs, they actually have a natural habitat that they belong in.

And it's not your bedroom. It's not like you can return your beagle to the wild. If I left my cat- Fucking birds mowing in the Amazon, you jerk. If I took my cat and dropped it outside, it would be like, oh, well. Okay, what now? Where is the litter?

In this place. But if I had a parakeet and I took it outside, it'd be like, bye, fucker. Got it. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I'm going to go find a tree, because that's kind of my jam.

Is it tree? You can take your parrot into public provided you clip its wings so that it doesn't fly. Because you're a real asshole. That's a good basis for a relationship. Yeah, I'm afraid my dog ran away, so I chopped off one of his feet. Yeah, my daughter tried to go to college,

so I cut her legs off. Yeah. I misread her really hard. I misread my daughter because I didn't want her to leave. Now her and my bird just cry all the time. I love you, Becky. I love you, Becky. Sorry about your shin bones.

Let's talk about falcons. That would be cool, though. Okay. Now I have always wanted to do that. Sure. If you trained a falcon, but even then, it's like weaponized. It's not a pet.

I do love the idea of just a living weapon, because that's also what I consider myself. Yeah, yeah. I mean, on the plus side, you're going to be able to become a gunslinger at an unprecedentedly young age. That's good. The bad side is that somewhere there is a flying knife

that you have trained that would love nothing more. And at your death, we'll just go on a killing spree. Just think you're the only thing keeping that flying knife in check. God, that would be a good name for a falcon. No, if I had it. Come flying knife. Guess I get to decide.

Not too fast, though, please. What would you call a falcon if you? Condor man. Condor man. Okay, that's good, because he's neither condor nor man. Exactly. It's really going to fuck with his enemies. I would name it gongham style,

because I think people would, it would be like carbon dating it, because people would know it too, like within a day, when I bought this bird. This is my falcon pogs. Yeah. This is my falcon Judge Lance Edo. Can I call my falcon Billy Ocean?

Of course you can. Get out of my dreams and get out of my hair. You're killing me. Please stop watching me while I sleep. I just decided that if I saw somebody on the streets of Austin with a bird on their hand, I would just think they were a hipster, probably. That is not a joke.

It is not outside the realm of possibility of an affectation. There's a guy who walks around Huntington with a parrot on his shoulder. Yeah. I also want to point out, when it comes to falcons, you literally have to like blindfold them

to keep them from killing people. Yeah. Like they have specially designed hat and blinders so that the birds do not just freak out and murder everything they see. I, there's this guy who used to always hang out at a restaurant that used to be in town called Chili Willys that had a parrot

and he would bring his parrot into the restaurant, which I think is foul by the way. That's a bird. You don't know what it does. He would bring his bird in the restaurant and I would see him there all the time. I would think, huh, I guess Chili Willys, you know, I guess he must be friends with the owner

or whatever. And now a new restaurant has opened up in that same locale called Backyard Pizza and I've seen that motherfucker with his parrot again. I don't know if he's a feature of the building or if I think the one place he could take his parrot where his parrot won't lose his goddamn mind. Do you think he is providing a service,

he's providing a service to Huntington restaurants? Like I will make your shit look more interesting by standing in front of it. People want to know my story. They'll get hungry because I'll talk to them for two hours about my fucking parrot and then the big talk. And I'll let the parrot do a little bit of the talking. And don't even worry about spiders anymore.

He'll take care of all the colorful beetles. You can't pay me in pizza. Hey, do parrots eat pizza? I fuck it. I'll eat his. I'll eat his pizza. What's that flying knife? You want to eat some food?

Well, you have pizza. You should have eaten your pizza there that I had to eat for you. Oh, what's that? You need me to launch the pizza upwards into the sky a hundred miles an hour before you'll be interested in it at all? Okay. Fuck.

Fucking next stop. Flash forward. America's got talent. You got a million dollar check. Your show's opening in Vegas. This is my pet flying knife. The amazing pizza catching parrot. I love dead mouse.

I love dead mouse pizza, please. He died after three weeks. I had to train a new one. I hate this job. The world's fattest falcon. I hate this job almost as much as birds apparently hate pizza. This bird has acne. Get up there, flying knife.

Flying knife, you have acne. Your breath smells like garlic. I hate you now. I always hated you. Why can't you look at me with love? Put your hat back on. You're creeping me out. How come you never bring me a Bud Light

like the cool birds in the commercials, dude? This is my parrot and this is our Las Vegas style show. It's now been moved to the Catskills and I trained my parrot to give me a beer. Does anybody else want a beer? Hold on a second. Wear this gauntlet. Because he will attack.

Can you imagine if you owned a parrot and then like you brought home a falcon what the parrot must think in that moment? What would a parrot think? Not the birds can think. Oh, fuck. What's he calling it? Flying knife?

That's such a cool name. He called me Steve. What the fuck? Why do you name me Steve? Name your parrot Raven. You won't see that coming. Hey, my friend and I saw a movie on the last day I was playing as it turned out

we were the only two there. We usually like to stick around through the credits. On the off chance there's a bonus scene at the end but halfway through the credits I saw an usher glaring at us impatiently for the doorway waiting for us to leave. I feel as paying moviegoers

we have the right to stick around through the until the lights come up even if we're the only ones there. Am I on the wrong in the wrong on this? And that's from ushered out in Utah. Well, I have great news for you ushered out in Utah. And this still is not a paid endorsement but if you get the iPhone app Run P

it will not only tell you the best time to take a bathroom break it will tell you if there is something after the credits whether or not you need to stay. But do you think that's gonna stave off the condescending stare of the movie theater usher? Who cares about that guy? I've been that guy.

I was the dude. Yeah. Yeah, but people should be able to sit there and enjoy their film without you rushing them out. I'm saying he's being a jerk. Well, I think the trait here's the thing. The fact of the matter is if you're the only two people in the theater

it's not like brothers got a lot of cleaning to do. Wow, that's a good point Travis. How long is it gonna take them to clean up after two people? Right. So unless you were just like changing seats every five minutes and then dumping your juniors on the ground. I spilled them again. Hey usher.

Mom. Hey usher. Usher or mom or usher Raymond. Anybody. I spilled them again. Spilled them. Hey, Will Ferrell. Hey, Will Ferrell in the movie.

I spilled them. Please come out of the movie. I want goobers this time. Turn my, turn my mints into goobers. I want to return exchange these mints for goobers. I only ate five. It's not fair. It turns out Rosebuddy's is sled, everybody.

By the way, this happened in 1940. Wow. Okay. This is fun. Did you know that was a time, that was a time travel scene? And I, what? You are not doing this guy any of this service because when you're an usher, the, here's, here's,

here's the life of a usher. Here's how his shift breaks down. You get to stand around and watch the end of a movie and wait for the theater to clear out. That's one of the things you do. Sometimes you go and you have to fill up a bucket with mop water. That's cool. Sometimes you have to clean up puke and jizz and skull leaveings.

That's. And be careful not to stab yourself on use syringes. That's the worst part of the job. And as long as they're not doing that, then they are probably just happy to be standing still. I used to work at a theater. You know what they used to do for your lunch and dinner break? They used to say on our lunch and dinner breaks,

they would say you can go and chill out for, you know, 30 minutes or however long in one of the theaters. And so you would just go watch fucking 30 minutes of a movie and it was absolute torture. What was that? What was that Ryan Reynolds haunted house one? The remake? Amityville horror.

Spooky mansion. I watched 30 minutes of spooky mansion like the same 30 minutes. Oh yeah. For like a week. I saw. And as far as I know, I think they all died. I saw the end of the grudge to probably 22 different times, like the last four minutes.

And it was some woman just getting wrecked by a Japanese ghost. I saw it shit so, so many times because I had to. You know what? I take it back. Do whatever this usher wants you to. Their life is nothing but fucking pain. Because here's the thing. Here's the thing that's just occurred to me.

The real horseshit is not you staying after the movie. The real horseshit is this is the last day this movie is in there. Probably no one's come to see this movie in two weeks. And dude was thinking like, cool, the movie starts. I don't have to worry about it. We probably wouldn't even run the whole thing. And then you and your friend show up to watch it on the last day at like an 11 a.m. showing and just ruin this dude's hour and a half break.

No. Here's a suggestion. What about this? Why don't we engage him as a person and say, hey, do you know if there's anything after the credits? Because they will know. They've cleaned up after this. How do you like the opinion?

Just be like, I felt that the ending left me hollow and I don't know how to feel. What do you think, usher? Let me go devil's advocate. And by devil I mean the usher. Let me be usher's advocate. Let me be usher's advocate here. He doesn't want to hang out with two weirdos who just saw a movie by themselves. Because let me tell you, I'm putting myself in his shoes.

You guys were probably tugging in his mind's eye. That's what was going on. You were tugging into his mind's eye. If he gets, if he looks like full grump, it's probably because he thinks there's going to be tug leavings in his future. I think a dude is called tuggings. He's got tuggies. He's got tuggies waiting for him.

And do you think he, no. Do you think he wants to see the last eight minutes of Expendables 2 and then clean up tuggies? Of course not. Of course not. He's going to need all this mental energy to keep a gum barrel out of his mouth tonight. You really think he wants to chat, chat with you about whether or not Ryan Reynolds should have ended up with Sandra Bullock at the end?

Probably not. He's sad about your tuggies. Leave the movie 10 minutes early. If you feel like the movie is coming to a close, you should stand on the opposite sides of the theater so that when he comes in, he knows it. There was no make-up. Or just as soon as he walks in.

Just say, no tuggies, bro. Don't worry. Just keep your hands in the air like you're at a middle school dance. We left room for the Holy Ghost. No worries. It's as clean as when the theater rolled off the factory floor. In fact, we found some tuggies in the back row. We cleaned them up for you.

Yeah. Maybe when he comes in, you hide so he doesn't know you're there. When he comes in, you're sweeping popcorn into a little barrel. You jump up into the raptors like a howler monkey. He'll never know you're there. And you can just finish watching it as he cleans beneath you. Why don't you come in dressed as an usher? Why don't you come in dressed as usher?

Dressed as usher. Hi, you wouldn't make usher leaves in theater, would you? Sir, you are 300 pounds and white as the fallen snow. Please leave the theater. You look like that really fat comedian. That would have been funnier if I could remember the same. What's that fool's name? You literally, there's like five choices here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one who won last comic standing. Oh, Renee Fatsen. What? No. Renee Fatsen. No. Louie Anderson.

Gerp. No. Gerp. This is his name. Ralphie Mays. Ralphie May. That's it. Oh, okay.

I'm going to try that again. And they do. You look like Ralphie May. Nailed it. Nailed it. Old to take Justin, they call him. Nailed it in two. Cut.

Right. That's a wrap. Let me just end this. Just get it there. Just cut that in. Take out the part where we did May of the Tuesday. It'll be like, you see how cut and paste.

He looks like, and then Microsoft's Sam. Ralphie Mays. Can you do that and then just cut out everything for when we talked about BE teachers except for when I said Mr. was talking, you lost it. It was like having a political statement. I want this episode to be 45 seconds long. What does it be?

You laughing about Mr. Woodcock and me saying, Hey, do you guys remember Mr. Woodcock? Ralphie Mays. L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O. L-O-L-O. Keep your heart. Three sacks. Keep your heart.

Three sacks again. We got to throw extreme restraints in there too. That podcast you told me to listen to, it was really 100% right. It was 45 seconds long, but there was an uninterrupted bit about fuck toys for money. If this show were just a elaborate construct for which to deliver bits about sex toys, which I guess it is.

They laughed at Porsche on William Scott, and then talked about snakes coming out of a dick for like an hour and a half. They laughed at the existence of Sean William Scott, like just as a whole, his whole scenario. I was thinking about his funny bits from the movie. Yeah, like, yeah, yeah, for sure. Thank you for listening to our comedy podcast,

my brother and my brother and me. It's been just another great time. A lot of laughs. Thanks for people sending things to us in the mail. Again, our address is PO Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 2506. And you can just send that attention, me. No bombs.

No bombs. You should write on it, no bombs. No tuggies, no bombs. It's, in fact, especially the first thing. No tuggies. I know it seems like a good idea now. No tuggies, no bombs, please. No tuggies.

Thanks to people. Put it in a file first. Thanks to people tweeting about the show. Thomas Rice, Double Wizard, The Incredible K, Opposable Plums, Tiff Cantrell, Frojak90, Mara Ruth, S. Carroll, Chuck Jones, 1970, Chuck Bruce One, Love Actuary, Blue Nickel. And if you're not already following mbambamwisdom,

you should. It's a funny Twitter account that you can enjoy. Thank you to Joe fucking Robinson for sending me a Pepsi Man action figure. Holy shit. Are you kidding? No, I'm serious. Gold.

I know, it's going to be the best. Did we get any more extremely rare and valuable Pokemon cards? No, no more extremely. I did throw those others away though. Oh no. I also want to say if you have someone that you love with a birthday coming up or an anniversary or a big occasion and you want to shout out on the show for them,

just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. And all the information is there. We'd love to wish them a happy birthday or tell them that you love them or ask for your stuff back or something. And if you have a business and you'd like a little commercial message on there, just go to the same link, maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron.

I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Maybe we should switch in like other tracks from that album in there. Do you think? There are a lot. There's a lot of good tracks and they're all pretty high energy.

I bet they would get things going with a bang. Anyway, that probably won't happen. Yeah, probably. And remember, do you have any ghost related questions? Send them in so we can do a food piece game. Next week, but all ghosts. Nothing fucking stupid though. Like we all, ghost don't exist and like that's cool.

Make them, just make them good. Stop sending in shitty ghost questions, everyone. Yeah, just send in your best ones. All, all ghosts next week. And thank you for listening to my brother, my brother, me, this podcast here that we're on doing right now. We have got to stop drinking before doing the show.

Yeah, good luck. Griffin, I believe you said you had one more question. Yeah, I have one to grow on. It's by, it was sent in by Nicole Thompson. Thank you, Nicole. It's by who answers you. It's your cat who asks, where are birds ears at? I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Kevin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dads. Have a lips.