My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 127: UNK

Episode Date: November 5, 2012

You have a very, very important decision to make this week, friends: What kind of birthday presents should you get Justin and Travis? What do they deserve? What color goes best with their eyes? Suggested talking points: Kindling, Coffee Camper, Jackie's Boner Brew, Ocean's Fourteen, Funky Unky Dunky, OK Cupid Freaks

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. We have a very serious message to begin this week's show. On November 6th, you have what is perhaps your most important responsibility as a citizen. On November 6th, if you use standard two-day shipping on Amazon, that's the day you're going to need to order

your birthday presents for Travis and I to get here by November 8th. Because I kid you not, anything that arrives on November 9th or later goes right in the trash. Just throw it away. You might as well get them kindling, because that's all it's going to turn into. If you send me a Kindle, I will burn it. Try to get that Kindle in by the 8th. Try to get that one in under the wire. If the Kindle's in on the 9th, it's kindling. From Kindle to Kindling. Otherwise, just send them a bunch of rolled up fucking phone book pages. Something to fuel the flame. Justin McRoy PO Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 25706. You got to get those gifts in early, folks. I want to go to the post office and when I go to retrieve my mail, I want

it to be like, oh, this guy. Oh, and like the old time, they pull out a bag of fan mail, you know, and then just like slap it down on the counter. Big miracle in 34th Street style sacks of mail of people who believe in me. I believe in Justin. Actually, don't send like postcard. I have no use for that. It has no resale value. How are you going to get these gifts that are sent to our Huntington based mailbox to Travis, who also shares your birthday? Well, I'll get them to them on the holiday. Oh, you get them on the Christmas tip. Get them on the Christmas tip. Maybe a little re-gift though. I will try to restrain myself from burning them. Man, I wish my birthday was the same as your guys. That would be sweet if it was like my brother, my brother made birthday

spectacular. I mean, it basically is. Haven't we talked about legally changing that before? You've got to be able to like legally change your birthday, right? Yeah, I mean, legally, you can get in a time machine and then when my parents were about to bone down on, let me do that. Hold up, hold up, let me do the math real quick. July? It would have been like July 17th, right? Then I would kick in the door and be like, can you guys please chill on this, please for seven months. Can you chill on this for seven months? Pick what every day you fuck to make Justin and Travis. Keep the fire alive. Keep the fire alive. It's like, it's like fib. It's like a realm. I don't want to think about it. It's Valentine's Day. I don't want to think about this. I'm just saying there was a

there's a very special basketball. Like anything else, I want to think about anything else. Let's talk about it. It's important though. Hey, you guys, it is important. Get out there. Get out to vote. Rock a vote. And when you're out there, vote for Obama. It doesn't matter who you vote for, as long as you vote for Obama. You've got to vote for Obama. The other guy is just, he's just the worst. He's just the pits. He's kind of like the pits. How do you not get this by now? Watch a TV. Anything. I don't want to get political here. Yeah. But it seems like you should probably vote for Obama. The line is clearly drawn in the sand. One is the good guy and the other guy's the fucking smoke monster from Lost. Like, you know the score. You know the score. I saw a video

on the internet of Romney supporters at an Ohio rally and every one of them was lighting garbage cans of trash on fire and then dumping it on kids. Yeah. That's every person. Did you see the straight talk? I heard this come up on the local radio station. Mitt Romney coming to, I think it was Columbus and performing with him on stage, Marshall Tucker band. Then Obama coming to Cleveland performing with him, Jay-Z and Bruce Springsteen. How's your comparison? How you got a fucking vote for Romney? Pretty good. Did you guys see the clip where Mitt Romney was, he didn't know he was being filmed and he was like at the beach and he owned buttoned his shirt and then in his stomach, there was like a little glass window. There's like a little glass cage with a

talking brain in it and Mitt Romney is crying. As it turns out, Mitt Romney is crying. Did you guys know that Mitt Romney, did you see the clip? It was Huffington Post. It was the front page just in big red letters. It said crying with a question mark and then there's a picture of Mitt Romney's windowed torso. Listen, that's just the liberal media. I will tell him as a robot body with a brain in his tummy. Yeah. No, he does have that, but he insists he's not crying. He'll own up to the fact that there is a brain inside his stomach. Just everyone with a brain inside their stomach isn't crying. That's kind of bigoted for you to say. I'm actually surprised to hear you say that. Travis, is it just like abysmal for you right now trying to watch TV, trying to get your TV on?

I have to deal with the fact that there are current events going on around me at all times. Oh, no, because you're in a swing. You're in the swing and estate. Here's the only thing that makes it better. The only thing that makes it great is listening to the ads where they've tried to capture real people who are like, you know, as a mother, but even better, like they'll try to act like they just like plop the microphone down in the middle of the kitchen table. And you're just like over here, being like, yeah, I don't know about this Romney guy saying he's going to cut spending for kids and stuff. I mean, I guess as a mom, I hate that. That's scary. There's literally one where it's like, well, let me look it up real quick.

And you hear her typing on the keyboard and saying like, Mitt Romney, federal spending for education. Oh, oh, no. I don't like this at all as a mother. Well, let me hold on. Obama, financial aid, click, click, click, click for students. Oh, yeah, I like this one. Oh, a video clip and then you play it and you hear Obama talk. It's like the best because someone out there is listening to it going, how do they get this audio? How do they make a radio of internet? That's why not just say go to our internet and it's going to be you're going to have all your questions answered. Travis, you feel a sense of superiority over Justin and I because your vote is technically worth two of Justin's votes and roughly 18 of my votes. Yes, indeed. I do. I want

you guys to know this. I do. It's like you have like dodeca suffrage. Like it's so much, so much doper than mine. So much liberty. Griffin, which way is Texas going? No, Texas. Are you kid? This places the hotbed. You Texas can't make up its mind not only between Dems and Rapubes. They want the Greens. They want the, they want the Libbers. They want. Are they going to go for Gary Johnson? Everyone. They don't know who to vote for. It will be so great if the entire country 49 states, you know, are split between Romney and Obama and Texas just is 100% every single vote for Gary Johnson. Yeah, why not? It could happen. Keep Texas weird because all of Texas is like Austin, right? Please, right? Let's get to the questions. I'm ready to help people. I'm in like a helpful

mood now. I tell people how to vote. Now I want to tell them how to live. We didn't actually tell them how to vote. We just said go do that thing. I hate to tell you guys this, but if you're not regged yet, you're probably in a big ol' heap of trouble. You're just lying to your friends and say that you did do it because that's probably what 80% of the youth of our nation are going to do. I spend a lot of time working out of a coffee shop. I'll go there, work for several hours, often getting at least one refill. I tip well in the first cup and then normally end up paying exact change or something close to that for the refills. Is this an okay thing to do or should I be tipping every time, especially considering how much time I spend there? That's from confused

in Oh God, the barista is right behind me reading over my shoulder. Oh man. I have such good insight on this. Yeah, because Chavis has been royally screwed by people. I think the fact that you're tipping at all makes you saint like. Yeah, you're way above. This is the deciding factor on this question. When you say coffee shop, do you mean like a Starbucks? Or do you mean like your local tiny eight table coffee shop on the second floor of a building? Because the difference is at Starbucks, you're not stealing real estate from someone. If this is like a restaurant coffee shop where they do food all day and this is the only thing they do and you're taking up a whole table to yourself while you work on your spreadsheets or

whatever, then you're taking business away from the coffee shop. Why are you? You should be tipping every time. I can't spend, there's a cafe like that and a Starbucks like that like a block and a half from my house and I can't, I like to get out of the house because I work from home, but I can't spend more than like a half hour there before I feel, I feel like this is not my beautiful house, you know? It's people wheezing the Wi-Fi. It's people that use the internet and they don't have internet at home, but they need it for like school or they need it for work and they go and use the Wi-Fi and then tip a buck and think that that's fair. I come here, I go to those places whenever my Wi-Fi does crap out, which I have a grande

here in Austin, which goes out every time a bird flies over my house. So it's quite frequent, but I still, even under those pretenses, it's like I feel like I am just crashing out of buds. And only I don't know my bud very well and my bud didn't really give me permission to come over. I just sort of showed up on my bud's doorstep. I actually just showed up inside his living room, didn't knock or anything, walked right into my bud's place and kicked up my feet and wheezed his Wi-Fi juice. I don't tip. Do you really? Excuse me? Oh, Justin. What? You walk a fine fucking line. Well, you know, I use my credit card for everything and there and I, if there is a blank on a credit card receipt for tip, I will always, I don't care what service you have just

performed. Like I don't care if you, I don't care what you do. Amputations, car repair, whatever. If there's a tip slot, I will put a tip in there. I don't think Starbucks isn't doing that yet. I always feel like at Starbucks, at any coffee place. But this is what I'm seeing. The tip jar is like a, it seems like so unorthodox. Like they're sneaking it up until the manager gets back and then they're going to hide it again. Yeah. I don't like that like clandestine tipping. But this is the thing. This is why if you're at Starbucks, fuck it, whatever you want. Get yourself a small coffee and then sit there for eight hours. Fucking go outside and pick up the trash can and throw it through the window and then fucking throw it to the ground. But I worked in like a small

coffee shop here in Cincinnati and like there were only about 12 tables. We'd have someone come and order a coffee and literally sit there for eight hours. They'd be there my entire shift. And then Duder like felt completely comfortable when I walk over and like, hey, can I get you something else? Giving me the cold shoulder and acting like I was bothering him. Like that always bothering me. Like dude, you realize that like I make my money on tips. So ground rule. Just don't be a cock about it. Like if you're going to chill at your bud's place that you don't know very well, you wouldn't like when he showed up and be like, Hey man, I've got to get to work. Be like, I guess like, can you move your car? Oh, what a fuck. And also don't fucking sit at the eight-seater

by yourself with your laptop and your single cup of coffee. Pick the smallest table in the restaurant and sit at it. Stay out of everyone's way and don't like kick off your shoes and get real comfortable because I've seen that and it's awful. We need to do we need to release a new like Emily, Emily wall post or how to make friends and influence people. Only it's like, if you are going to be a dick, like how to just at least minimize the minimize the impact on your community. How to be the least amount of dick while still acknowledging that you are in fact going to be a dick. Anytime you go into any place of business, even when you're giving him your money, you are in can be you are in an imposition. Yeah, because what you have created and this is capitalism

really is that if you go into a place, no, the owner of it is never going to be there ever because it's 2012. So what you are doing is basically creating a situation where you are helping a third party who is not involved in the transaction. They're the only one who's happy about the transaction going on. So you're inconveniencing the person who you're directly interacting with because they do not fight. I mean, they may in some sort of trickle down sense benefit from the transaction, but not that chain is far, far too long to see the top link of. Well, yeah, you cannot, you do not see where the juice is being poured so that it may trickle down to you. And this is why the only two things that show that directly to the person you're dealing

with are tips and commissions. The best thing that's the direct way that like you tip a dollar every time you get a refill, just think of it like a bar. Every time you get a drink, that's a dollar, right? And so if you get three refills, the person had to make three trips for you, that's $3 tip. I don't care if your coffee only costs $3. If you throw that person 50 cents on your $3 bill, you're an asshole. And hey, if you do a big tip on your first tip, just split the tip. Normally, that's a bad idea, but in this case, it's okay. What if you can we do like give them 50, like give them a 50 at the top of the month, and then just go for ebbs, right? Host on it. You know, I tell you what, when I worked in a hotel running a room service to people,

I brought this dude like, I think it was like two glasses of orange juice in the morning for him and his lady, and dude tip me like 40 bucks. Oh, and did you go in and treat? And then the rest, but then the rest of the day, like he called down, I'm like, yeah, what's your need? You got it. You want all the salt packets we have? You've got it. Guys, I just came up with an idea. You go into this coffee shop a lot, right? So let's say you're going in there, you're going in there 20 times a month. You're getting two drinks every time, 40 drinks a month, right? Go in there at the top of the next month and lay a $50 tip on the bar. Like we're talking with those tips that they're going to write into Reader's Digest and tell about that time they got

this enormous tip when they really needed it. Like you're going to seem like some sort of weird, eccentric benefactor, right? And then make sure everybody in the coffee shop sees your face. This is essential. If you can get them to take a picture with you or something and then never tip again, that strategy is going to pay for itself in a month and a half. Is it because in three years when you're still going to that coffee shop, and they've had eight, they've had eight different turnovers with like 20 different people. You know me? Don't you know me? I'm $50. I'm $50. Billy. You know me. Hey, don't you know me? I'm the guy everybody talks about. Remember, they wrote a Christian song about me. Like $50. Billy, you have drank literally 5,000 cups of

coffee. We are at this point talking about a 10 cent tip. You are a joke. You are a joke to me. Don't let the chain of love end with you. Just give me a free coffee. I can't tip you right now. I'm sorry. What's my math good? No, it's one cent tip. Yeah. Griffin, how about a Yahoo? That's what I need. I'm feeling embarrassed for doing a bad math. Your math is real close. You just offer one decimal place. Everybody does a bad math sometimes. How about this? Oh, this is Jermaine. Thanks. This one was sent in by Jermaine. This one was sent in by Mitch Reader. Thanks, Mitch. Yeah, who answers user Tristan? Who asks? I get a boner when I drink coffee. I'm sorry. One more time. I get a boner when I drink coffee.

Left the end out of drink and also coffee with one E. So I am almost 14. And to help me wake up each morning, my mother does one half cup coffee plus one half really hot water plus one packet hot chocolate mix plus whipped cream. Sounds good. By the time I sip it down to half a cup, it is cool enough to guzzle. So I do while it is actually warm. The problem is when I guzzle it, I get a boner. And when I do, I get really horny. And this morning, I actually got horny. And then it turned. Then noticed my heart on. I am wondering what is causing this? I will pick a best answer. Pardon. You're 14. You should be more perplexed that the first half of the coffee doesn't give you a boner. Yeah. No, it's a better question to say what kind of hard lifestyle is

this kid living that he's having trouble waking up in the morning at 14? Oh, moms. Gotta have my morning boner. I had a late night working graveyard shift. Who knows? I think a better question is why hasn't this woman marketed this boner potion that she has alchemically discovered? This is Jackie's boner brew. It's locally made here in the Wisconsin area. And actually, a local woman discovered this when she noticed that her 14-year-old son was sailing at half mass after he drank down the second half. You gotta guzzle it. You gotta guzzle it. That's the drink. It's the timing things. If you guzzle the first half and then sip the second, you'll never have a boner again ever. You know his mom's gonna get suspicious when he's like, yeah, thank you for

making this mom. I'm just gonna let the whole cup cool off. I really am gonna just slam this down. Could I have eight cups of it, please? And no questions asked. Man, if Guzzlin really gives this kid a chub, he is in for a hard collegiate life. There's a lot of that. Slam that beer. No, I'd rather not. I'd rather not. Come on, let's make a waterfall. You seriously don't want to watch this. You wouldn't like me when I was Guzzlin. I need a place to hang my coat. Kyle, do a keg stand. It's also possible that it is the combination of the caffeine and the sugar that this kid is consuming that's making his heart just fucking race. It's just like, oh, boner. So if you gave this to anyone older than 14, they'd instantly die. Or there's a reason for

this, that the caffeine like opens up your capillaries, right? And gets the blood flowing. I see what you're saying. Unless it flowed downtown. I think it's scientifically speaking. Those are all scientific words you used. Yeah. You know, in your downtown area. Yeah, your dorsal downtown. Here's the ish. Do we know if this kid is butt chugging? Sorry? Is that not in the additional details? Let me see. No, it doesn't say anything. About gaping. Is there any answers to this? Is there any wisdom? Someone says you're 13. Almost anything will give you a boner. Good point. If it is, continues for a couple of years, then you ask for answers. As for now, enjoy it while you have it.

That's such a fucking weird thing to say to a teenager. Hey, you've got boners? Don't miss out. I feel solid, solid from the ages of 12 to 17. When I got a boner, it was not a thing to be enjoyed. It was a thing to like, well, fucking now, this is on my plate now. That's the thing. In that age range, you never get a boner and go, yeah, finally. Yeah, I finally get it up. Like, no, you pray for the brief moments when you do not have a boner. Oh, if only, if only I could have a brief respite. Yeah. You just pray the teacher doesn't call. Rigamortis has set in. Oh, we've only got release me from this curse. I'm super creeped out by the enjoy it. Like, what do you mean enjoy it? Like, how do you want me to enjoy my boner? Oh, you got

to sketch it. You got to go home and sketch it out a lot. It's so beautiful. I must draw it. Go get Greg Keneer from as good as it gets to come by and sketch your boner as you sit bath. Is this fucking guy saying like, because in 50 years, you're going to be soft like a bowl full of jelly. Like, you know, you just have all the sex you can now. Don't worry about consequences or repercussions. 13. How loose is Yahoo answers like comment policy that somebody's not like, Oh, there's a there's a pedophile. Let's get him sick. Oh, that's a better question. Just to jump back real quick to the question itself. Yeah, the kids saying that he noticed he had a boner after he was horny. I would love to be there for that sleuthing. What is this?

What is this feeling? I am feeling mentally aroused. Now, if I see just so I'm clear, why did you want to be present like inside his head? I don't want to be there. I don't want to be there for the event itself. Travis, I don't I'm going to call the Yahoo cops on you. You mean you want to being John Malkovich him so you can live see through his eyes as he is deducing this this problem. Yes. What happened is Starbucks started carrying this this boner brew. Well, people would stay there for hours and hours and hours. Listen, the tip situation would definitely improve. And I that was a double entendre. Just enjoy your boners every one while you still can. The love of God. When the Rapture comes, all of our boners will be taken away.

That's that's November 6. Enjoy your boners guys. That's what Carpe Diem literally translates to. Seize your dick. Gather you boners while you may. I'm a recent college grad and I've been working a robot automation technology company for the past four months. My boss's boss is a female. She usually wears business casual clothes today. She wore a skirt and boots and vaguely resembled a cowgirl. I wanted to say you look nice today or I like your outfit. I didn't say anything because I don't want to look like a suck up and I thought it might come off as creepy. My desk is close to her office, but we typically don't interact throughout the day. Usually we only say hello when passing each other in the hall. Did I make a good choice by

not saying anything? And should I keep my mouth shut? Or is it okay to compliment a woman at work? Whether she is my superior or not. And that's from Dan. Well, the Lilly Bledbetter Act stipulates that you are not under any circumstances allowed to talk to any female ever at work. I think. Yes, that is the law. You can tell one female to pass along to another female that you like her boots. Well, actually you have to go through HR. You have to file a formal compliment. You can formally compliment someone in your workplace. Precisely. But it has to sit in a folder for six months and then it can be delivered by which point your hair looks great today means nothing. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm wearing sandals. What are you talking about?

I quit this job three months ago. Now, here's another point that we should consider. Okay. When you said HR, I thought you said a jar. I thought you said a jar too. So I don't. You put it in the compliment jar. You float it downstream and it buries itself in the mud till the winter thaw. At the end of the month, someone from the human resources department comes together, opens up the jar, everyone sits around in a circle and he reads off nice things. That actually sounds incredible. Well, but the trick is you can't put any names on it. So it's just like someone's hair looked really nice this month. Yeah, but it would be pretty obvious, you know. Somebody's mole is clearing up really nicely and it'd be like, oh, well, that's Janet. I mean, is that

I really don't know what's okay for men and women anymore? I don't think I don't. I would like to think that I like your outfit or those are some killer boots as long as you annunciate it. Well, you're not like, you're not like her friend on Sex in the City or something. You're not like, ooh, working. Yeah, but I mean, girlfriend. But I also like to think that there's certain dates like I would never walk in wearing a new sweater and someone would be like, that's a great sweater and think, well, that is sexual harassment. No. Yes, but the question is just put the comment through this filter. If it's the same, if you would make the same compliment to a man as you would to your, I don't think the superior thing plays into it. Oh, it definitely

does. I think it's like, oh, does it? Okay, well, we'll have to talk about that. But I think that if it's, if you would feel comfortable giving the same compliment to a dude, then you're totally, then you're totally fine. I think compliments are great. Now, here's the question you risk. There are two parties involved in this, right? It's not just intent is only half the battle. It's also knowing this person well enough to know how your compliment is going to be absorbed. Now, this is a fair point because there's a good chance that while it may not bother you or but like, oh, it's so tricky too, because here's the thing, Dan, if there is even a moment's hesitation in your brain before you say it, it's not going to come out smoothly and pleasantly.

No, that's the problem, right? Hey, boot, booting it up. Them shoes, they're so good. I'm going to last say you like to have a girl ride on them fashions. What is it like on legs? I'll just see myself out. If I could borrow a box to collect my things for my desk. If you, if, if you do not know this boss, I would not make the first thing you say to them a compliment, because if you were on the street and you saw a stranger and you're like, hey, you, I like your outfit, you kind of look like a cowgirl. The very first thing that's going to run through their mind is like, oh, this person's trying to stick. This guy's trying to, this guy's trying to stick is what it's going to be. And that is going to create, that is going to create

some intensity on my friend. What, what if you balance it with like a, like a veiled insult followed by a compliment? Like usually you look bad, but today you look great. You throw down a neg, like a pickup. Just to balance it out. And then you, then you leave. You don't wait for a response. That's leave. And so she says they're going, I, I don't, I just don't know how I feel. I need to promote, I need to promote this man. Okay. And then you put on a big, silly, you put on a big, silly hat and you maybe shave your beard into like the creepiest facial hair imaginable. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Go on. Then you, maybe you wear a big pendant. Maybe you wear some. And you're, you're the unpredictable guy in the office. Uh-huh. Mystery,

the unpredictable guy, the pickup artist. Now Griffin, you think, I, I think that this is, I think we have stumbled on the proper answer here. If you have a relationship with someone in any, no matter how casual it may be, if you have a relationship to where you would feel comfortable saying that, then I think it's fine. The fact that you thought, hmm, maybe I shouldn't compliment her and maybe I should write into that advice show and see what they think. I think that's your, that's smart Dan, telling you that, Hey Dan, maybe just get back to filing. Maybe get back to programming Skynet. Across the board. This is a good rule of thumb that like, if you're out in the world and you want to compliment that cute girl across the way in the shop and you hesitate

and your brain goes, Oh, I don't know. Your brain is as smart, if not smarter than you are at any given point. You should listen to him or her and not do this thing. That's a problem with social interaction though. Like this is the problem that I get into is I think I'd like to pay that person a compliment. And this is like man, woman, whatever. I just want to be a pleasant person in society. I have to like think through every, it's like the oceans 11 of social interaction. Like I have to have like a plan for every kid. What if, what if he only speaks Spanish? What if she, what if she is drunk right now? And I can't tell. Like I have to have an angle of. So you say like, Hey, I really like your boots. And then they turn around and there's only like a guy in a SWAT

outfit standing there. Like, did you say that? Like, no, ma'am. And you walk away and then you go right, you stand outside by the fountain. Exactly. And I have, I stuff a Chinese man in a box. I sneak him into the back room and let him come out. Like he jumps out of the box, bleep frogs over her. She says, what? And you yell nice boots. And she turns around. She's been so distracted by the Chinese man runs away. Brad Pitt's there. He's eating a sandwich. Meanwhile, Casey, I was like, he's driving the getaway truck. But is he? No, it's one of the robots you built down. Yep. The robot explodes. The woman feels very good about her shoes. Is that Rob Reiner? He's wearing a beard. It can't be. It's a fake beard.

Also a fake Rob Reiner. Also a fake Rob Reiner. Did you see Oceans 14? Yeah, it fucking sucked. It was, it was really, really, really bad. It was really more of a short film. I love those edits though. Really. I felt cool while watching it. Yeah, I actually don't pay someone a compliment unless I have, I do have to have my angles. I have to have my angles of exit, like on lot before I say anything to someone I don't know. Sometimes it's the window. So you got to make sure you're low, low to the ground, low story. I was at a hotel at a breakfast buffet a couple weeks ago, and I went to the, the, everyone in my room was still asleep. So I was going to get him to go box. And I actually asked the woman if they had boxes like that,

like as I was walking out of the dining hall, like I just wanted to, if she said, if she said, if she said no, my trajectory was already like taking me out of the awkward situation. I was like gone on. I just also want to jump back to how your brain works, Justin, in that asking for to go boxes in awkward situation. If she says no, do you have to go boxes? No. And then you guys just share an awkward, prolonged plan. Like we've known each other for nearly 30 years now. Do you not know how this works? If she says they don't have to go boxes, I'm an uncultured simpleton who doesn't understand the breakfast buffet ways. Like that's my day suddenly. A guy who gave me breakfast buffets, right? She's going to look at me like a fat guy who needs to like

grub out later on some Belgian waffles. So I need to take a to go box of waffles. Did not eat enough waffles. That's like the whole going to be the whole thing. I fucked up my exit. Yesterday or Friday, I was I early voted and it was at this huge empty mall. It was like this mega voting center. And while I was like in the booth, it was like in a row of other booths. And as people were finishing up, like submitting their polls and walking away, this woman was giving them my voted stickers. And she would say, did you finish voting? And they'd be like, yeah, she'd say, well, congratulations. Do you feel great? That's really I'm you should feel very proud of yourself. Congrats. Thank you for coming out and doing your duty. And then I finished mine. And she was,

did you finish voting? And I said, yep. And she said, here you go. And she put a sticker on me. And I stopped, I came to a dead stop and like waited for the deluge of praise for doing my civic duty. And like, it didn't come. And the moment only lasted for maybe a second and a half. But I felt like such a shithead because it was very, very obvious that I was waiting for my pat on the head. And so I just kind of had to like pivot 90 degrees, which I did sort of like a robot and then walked out of the room, shame face. I felt like such a piece of shit, I wanted to get in line and vote again, but they don't let you do that. Just in the hopes that you might get a compment on that second pass. You're really taking this seriously.

I just, it was so hard. I need, I need positive reinforcement for doing basically anything now. I hear, here's positive reinforcement, financial reinforcement. That's right. We're financially reinforcing ourselves talking about sex toys. It's a sad week here on my brother, my brother and me. Sad week because this show ends as far as we know for now at least. So this is the season ender. This is the season finale of our extremist rights promotion. I prepared a special, a special game for you guys on this, the final edition of our extreme restraints, extremistraints.com by the way is an adult super store. They have toys, they have anything you could dream of. They are essentially, they are the only game in town.

Don't fucking take your business anywhere else. It's, it's, it's, I, it's child's play. Not that children should have access to, you know, electrode butt balls or anything, but. Right. So for this last, this last edition, I prepared a quick game where I am going to name an item and you are going to tell me whether or not is, whether it is by extremistraints.com or is it a product of my imagination. Okay. Are you ready? Yep. Okay. First up, master series, extreme chastity cage. That's definitely, I have two of those, so it's definitely real. Yeah. That's, that's extremistraints. I know for a fact. Slapy master butt paddling thing. Now you may have lost it. It may have come off the rails when you mumbled thing at the end.

I just wish that somebody would, some brain trust would get together and finally name what it is when the, the thing it is that you butt paddle with. If only we could figure it out. I guess we'll never know. As imagined, pussy crusher extreme latch. That is not a verb that I want ever done to any pussy ever. How'd it go last night on your blind date, Steve? Crushed it. We got together. We went to this really charming vineyard and we crushed up pussy for pussy one. Do you remember that one, that one episode of I love Lucy where she was standing that thing just crushing all those pussies? We did that. Yeah. It was like, we did that,

but now it grapes with human pussies. So what's your vote? I think it's real. I think it's real too. No, it's fake. I made it up. I was wondering how a latch would do crushing, but go on. The cock rider masturbator. Yeah, that's gotta be real. Clearly. Okay. Now here's an interesting thing that I do want to mention. They have an electric paddle on here. It is a, it is a paddle that you spank, you know, your, your lover. It can also be used for home defense, I assume. Well, no, this is the thing and this is not a joke. I have this already, but it was marketed to me as an electric fly swatter. I am 150% sure it is exactly the same thing. Have you not wondered why after you smacked the fly it has the bitch written out across its face? And also the fly has,

also the fly has ejaculated. Easy access new pre and restraint system. That's real. That's totally real. I'm adding all of these to my Amazon wish list. Oh, wait, it's not on Amazon. Gotta hit up extreme restraints. Do you guys have extreme restraints prime? It's like absolutely positively has to be the next day. It's like Amazon prime, except instead of doing shipping faster, someone comes to your house and fucks you with the thing that you bought. So here's what I want you to do, friends. I want you to go to extremestrates.com. I'm going to conduct this little experiment with my brothers right now. I want you to go to extremestrates.com and I want you to look up the electric paddle. So boys, I'm sending you a link to the electric paddle in our chat right now. So

I want you to look at this and take it in. Okay? Okay. You've clicked this leg, right? So what we're looking at here is like a tennis racket, except the handle is long. It looks like it's probably got a slot for maybe some double A's in there. And you put that in there and you press a button and then electricity. Now I'm sending you a link to the amazing electric bug zapper available on Amazon. This is precisely the same thing. It is exactly the same thing. It is so nice in this world when you can find a multitasker. You know what I mean? Thank God, right? You get the electric paddle that's going to give somebody a jolt and also use it as electric flash water. Now I imagine it because imagine the humiliation, the last thing going through that

flies head. He's like, oh, please, oh, please tell me that wasn't on someone's ass. Yeah. I am sending you guys now a link to a handheld tortilla warmer. Right? Yeah. Pretty much the same exact. We're looking at the same model. We encourage you and my brother and my brother and me to A, buy all of Extremestrain's products. B, don't use the same thing that you use to electro sex your ass to heat up your taco shells. Please. Please. I don't ask for much on this show. And when you do, go to extremestrain.com, use the coupon code middleist because you're going to save 20% on that electric paddle. That's going to save you enough money to buy three of these bad boys. Guys, I know what you've

been doing. You've been waiting for Christmas, holding out. I don't know the coupon code is going to be good much longer past this week. I have no reason to leave. Even after this week, it will still be good for 10%, but it will never be good for 20% unless we continue to do more spots. Hey, was it something we said? Hey, Extremestrain. Extremestrain, can we patch things up? Let us know of all the bullshit because there's been so much of it. Was it when we mocked the sex flash, Sammy? We didn't realize it was so close to your heart. Do you guys want Yahoo? Absolutely. More than I want my next breath, pretty much. This Yahoo answer is sent in by Caleb Osteen. Thank you, Caleb. It's by Yahoo Answers user

Gail A who asks, What's a good pet name for an uncle? What's the role or title in other languages? Slangs? Is there a difference whether your uncle is from your dad's side or your mom's side? Include things like when kinders and kids, when kinders and kids mess up the pronunciation, and it comes out like, My Unky, got a fave pet name for your fave uncle? I hate this so much. Do you guys know my favorite pet name for one of our uncles? What's that? Mark. Dave. Dave. Adult Dave. Like, how do you, that person? Grown ass man, Mark. Grown ass doctor, Mark Wahlberg. Like,

why, he's a, he's a fuck. Listen, uncle, Uncle Philip, I've been wanting you and me to get closer, so I came up with a pet name for you. You're kind of chunky, so I'm going to start calling you my chunkel. You're my chunkel now. Have you ever noticed how you have a body odor problem? From now on, you're my stunkel. Stunkel's not bad. You're my funkel. I used to live with a guy named Jacob Dunkel, and his, a very name of which apparently makes Travis laugh. He does. I love Dunkel. I saw Dunkel come out of the argo. Oh yeah? Did he like it? Yesterday I was going to hit the max enormous. How many Dunkel stars did he give it? He didn't, he didn't give, and he did, he did say that you need to respond to his Facebook messages because he said you kind of left him

hanging off of you. Oh man, he sent it like four months ago. I feel, I, Dunkel, I'm sorry if you're listening, if you're, if you're listening and you probably are. He keeps up. He told me he listened. Yeah. So now, now you have no excuse. Anyway, he, he has to like enjoy things and then say that they were a slam Dunkel, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. But he, I can't remember if this actually happened, or if we just wanted it to happen, like for him to have a sibling that had a child and then he would be Funky Uncle Dunkel, or Funky Unkey Dunkey, or any combination of those three things. Funky, Unkey Dunkey. Oh God. Um, my Uncle Nemo, we lovingly call Unk.

He also sounds like a caveman. I like that too. He is a crow magnet. Hey, uh, did you, so who's bringing what for Thanksgiving? Well, I'm bringing the Pecan Sandys. And, uh, is anybody bringing cranberry? Oh yeah, we, uh, we just signed that to, Hey, everybody here. Sorry, just stepped on a duck. Yeah, just like a double check in your fiction. Is someone buy a package of Nabisco Pecan Sandys and thinks that's a sufficient Thanksgiving offering? That's how he's set with the Psy. And what's, uh, what's Steve bringing? He's, uh, he's bringing Pecan Sandys. I think if someone's going to bring Pecan Sandys, it's going to be, because he does not sound like somebody who is graced with color. He's just

going to pull one out of the back of his van where he's just has stacks and stacks of packages of Pecan Sandys that he bought when the Piggly Wiggly down the street was going out of business. Just so I'm clear, is Unk actually Encino Man? If Unk is toilet trained, then we are all like one step ahead of the game. To be fair, Unk is not really related to either my mother or my father. He's more of a friend of the family by which I mean a bear. Okay. This has been the greatest Thanksgiving of my life, except for when that bear tore my arm off. But God, I love my Unk. You mean Unk? I'm not going to talk bad about Unk under my roof. Unk is insane. He's the only thing that got me through 9-11.

How old is this bear? He's an old ass bear. Bears only lived at like age seven. We all know this to be true. This is Unk Jr. Excuse me. Unk Jr. Son of Unk. His forearms are just as powerful. Is he a ritual, Unk? Make no mistake. His large claws have torn all our tapestries, but we love him very much. But they've also torn down the emotional walls that was keeping my family apart. You know, we went three Christmas without speaking till Unk showed up. They say a bear is strict. There's no limits. And we finally put that to the test when we used him to rebuild our home and by which we made our love. He was strong enough to hold this family together. You lay off Unk. Every year at Thanksgiving, he brings honey. We love him for

that. And he always pushes it forward a little shyly as if to say, this is all I could do. And god damn it, you've done enough. He and his son always talk about how they like to wipe their ass with like really soft paper. I hate it. I hate it. You know what? He was my wedding because he got captured and sent to the zoo. But I wasn't angry at him. How could I say angry at him? I would love, I would straight up love the next time we see like our grown ass man, Uncle Dave, our dad's older brother, to just be like, hello, Unky. And then just see if I can like just get past it without it being a thing that he stops me on and goes, whoa, what the fuck was that? Oh, you'll be able to tell if Travis ever does that at our house when I'm in the room,

because you'll see me throwing myself through a plate glass window and running down the street. You will turn to talk to Justin, only he will be a Justin shaped cloud of dust. Oops, got too weird. Had to dip. It's just a tiny Asian man here. I want to tell you guys, we're talking about awkward conversations. And I wanted to share with you guys, and my brother, my brother and me, awkward conversation that I had this past week. I ran into an older lady who is tangentially, I think, familiar with what we do. She actually said, do you still do your internet radio comedy? And I said, gathering what she said from the miscontext clues, I said, yes. That's like calling pizza like, do you still eat bread cheese sauce?

Yes, I do. And then she told me that a mutual friend is going to be touring with Landau Murphy, West Virginia native and America's Got Talent winner, Landau Murphy. And then asked if we should not inquire to see if maybe we would make a good opening up for Landau Murphy. She said, does your audience cross over with Landau Murphy? Almost definitely. I think so definitely. In fact, we've already been in talks with his people and our people. The specific blend of uncomfortable I looked when Sydney came over and found me. Just curled in a bowl on the ground crying. She knew, looking, she said, somebody asked you if you share a demographic with Landau Murphy again. Do you have do you have some sort of life alert system set up with your wife where like,

if someone comes over and is like, hey, I used to go to church with you. What kind of comedy do you do that you can press that button and she would kick in the door like a Secret Service agent? It's wife alert. It's help help. I'm awkward and I can't walk away. I just like collapse into a protoplasmic heap on the ground. Just push the button. I have fake seizures before and I'm not a love it. Do you ever wish that you would get like famous enough that you could just do that kind of thing and get away with it? Like nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. No, that it's fine. Because you cannot. That's how that guy came up with Borat. Somebody came up to him is like, Hey, I heard that your comedy shows still

doing pretty good. What do you guys talk about? Then he's like, very nice. How much Borat could the buy walks away. Castex 10 and then you walk, I mean, sprints, sprints out there. I'm going to actually try that. You're going to do a Borat impression to try to end a conversation because I can totally see that work. And it has, yeah, I think that's a time tested method. How about another question where we answer it? That sounds good. It's not how novel. I recently joined a dating site and met someone. We went out for a couple of weeks, but ultimately, she decided we'd split and be friends and I agreed. Yeah, probably. That's probably the best. Still fighting in court. Now she seemingly regrets the decision and why I still think being friends

is the right choice. However, I have about two months left on my paid subscription to the dating site, but I don't want her to think me heartless if I start using it again. I genuinely like this person and don't want her to hurt, don't want to hurt her feelings. Should I use the dating site or am I being a jerk? Yes, you should see my single in Cincinnati. Yes, you should use the dating site. Of course you paid money for it. And you owe this person nothing. You met them on a dating site and went on what like five or six dates and it didn't pan out. You weren't married to the person. You didn't get divorced. It didn't pan out. Yes, you should keep using the dating site. How is she going to know that it's not like if you use a dating site, it's not like

fucking Facebook where it's like Ralph poked this girl, but literally in real life poked her with his donger. Did you hear this, Susan? Susan, you see this? He's moved on. He's moved on. You have two moved on requests. You know what? In fact, that might just be a really awesome website if it was like, hey, tough love. We're going to help you get over this person. You're still pining over by updating every time they get. Well, that is actually Facebook. Facebook actually, what's great about Facebook is when you date someone, you are an active participant in their social media landscape. And even after you break up with them, Facebook doesn't, Facebook's like, but I thought you guys were forever. And Facebook will like show you like, you know,

your ex- Wait, who's this new girl he's with? Your ex checked in at Uno's Pizzeria. Like, great, great. Thank you. I'm glad she's, can you let me know, like, give me some sort of pizza review for my ex? Because that would be fantastic too. She ate a whole pizza by herself. You made the right call. Yeah, she's kind of, she's kind of freaking us out right now. She's been to Uno's three times a day for the last week. She's the mayor of Uno's. Thanks. And that's not a four square distinction. They had a vote. She was democratically elected the mayor of Uno's. She's the deciding vote for the Uno city council. Yeah, you just, it's so those dating sites like thrive on anonymity. You could fuck everyone,

everyone on the dating site, dudes and ladies all together. And none of them would know about any of the other people. Congrats. It's basically just a big, it's basically eyes wide shut up that bitch. Like you, I mean, okay, translate it, translate it to like a much bigger like question. This is like saying I dated a girl in a town that I lived in. It didn't work out. Now I can't ever date in that town again because I'm afraid she'll find out. Well, she could ostensibly because she could meet somebody else in the town on like match.com. It's a fucking, it's a, it's a masquerade fuck fiesta. No one's ever gonna know. No one is, that's their tag. Masquerade fuck fiesta. No one has to know. No one will know. Get your dick wet

and wet and wet and wet quietly, quietly, quietly wet. It's like you're some sort of ninja fuck assassin. Nobody is ever going to hear you. You are like the wind. You will come in fuck and be a ghost. Fuck like the wind. Fuck like a ghost here at match.com. I met my wife on match.com, but before that, I ghost fuck 38 women. I ghost fuck 38 women in the same month I met my wife. I'm so happy. Good luck getting that on a business card as a hell of a tagline. I don't think they could fit all of it. The words you said. It's all, it's all. It's all, it's an acronym. It's the best job I've ever had.

Just love bringing people together and then hiding one of the people. It's like the underground railroad of hookups. You're helping people out of relationship secretly under the cover of night and bringing them to a safe relationship where they can be free. Welcome to our wildlife preserve where we keep people that just got out of relationships till they are strong enough to provide for themselves. Please, no pictures. We all, they all fuck, but you don't need to know about it and they don't need to know about it. When you're on an online dating site, you're fucking people and even you don't know about it. Calm down, get off it, get off the smut everyone. Hey everybody, can we get off the smut? If you're going to use a dating site,

use okayCupid because it's free and that brings all the nasties out. You guys know about that weird divide, right? A match, a match you have to pay for and so people there are like, I'm looking for someone who can be my significant other and then okayCupid is like, I want someone that will let me poop on them and possibly turn the face. I think though that that has always been implicit to me in the name. OkayCupid's like, all right, okay. I want to poop on these sunglasses and then have you put them on. OkayCupid, let's see whatever you say. Let's see what's up, I guess. Match.com is like, hey, let's use science to make sure that you find your soulmate. OkayCupid is like, hey, you like scat? Hey, I'm not talking about fast talking

like Jason Maraz, although Jason Maraz is into it. Here's his profile. Have you dreamed about pooping around Jason Maraz? You won't see that shit on Match.com. You will literally see that shit, thanks to our special shit spectrum. You're gonna see your 99% friend but 2% shit buds. That's 101% friends. You say you always want to date Billy Zane? He's not on here but we have a bald guy that will leer at you that calls himself the Phantom. How's that? How's that work? OkayCupid, you're the boss. Thank you for listening to our comedy podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself and enjoyed your time here. That's our main goal. Thank you to the people tweeting about the show using the MB, MB, AM, hashtag.

Merch, not Parisimonious, Josh Moore, Iggy Kaye, Michael J. Foyes, Rauby, Juan, Tiberius Silver, BC Evans, DCBY11, Old Kinderhook, Crystal Whelan, LadyLindus. Of course, everybody who tweets about us, we really appreciate it. Thank you. If you want to tweet out our sampler, it's bit.ly It's MbimBam. That takes you to our YouTube. You can find a lot of other clips there, MB, MB, AM, minis. Two calls to action. One, if you have a special personal message you want right on the show or a commercial message, you can scratch those itches at maximumfund.org.com. You want a birthday shout out? Birthday shout out, romance shout out, biz shout out. That is the place that you go to do it. Other thing, our email is mbmbamatmaximfund.org. Send in your

questions. Also, send in your Yahoo answers that you find. There was hardly any this week. And I understand that there was some power outages in certain parts of the country, but really that's no excuse. Speaking of which, we here at My Mother, My Mother, Meet would ask that you take a moment, take a few seconds, go to redcross.org, maybe give to some of those people that are still without, still struggling, still need a food, water, shelter, what have you. Go and make a difference. And if someone could confirm for me, I saw pictures yesterday of fire powered cell phone chargers being used in New York. If someone could confirm for me whether or not those are real, I want it to be real so very badly. Do you guys think you would

thrive in that sort of environment? Yeah, yeah, totally. I think that it would be far too easy for me to go full native. I think you would go full blown. Travis, did you make leather armor? Like, yep, I did. Sometimes we goof on Travis sometimes. There is literally no human being I would more want going out and foraging and protecting my village than Travis. Travis would flourish in that environment. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. You want to do that again, but I won't mumble so much. Yeah, I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which now bookends the show.

You know what? There's a lot of logic behind that. It vaults up nicely, but it also descends nicely. You know what I mean? And it's like, I don't want to bring the show to a dead stop. I want there to be some descending action. And that is exactly what the song brings. So thank you, John Rodgerick in the Long Winters very much. I also want to shout out, check out on Twitter, Make Sharp Stuff. We re-tweeted the link, but they are putting out a book and they asked us to contribute on it. So if you want to check out a little excerpt of the thing we wrote, it's on there. It's called On the Mayan Apocalypse and In the Shrimp. Also, in all seriousness, you guys, on the sixth, get out and vote. If you're registered, get out there, do it.

Seriously, for Obama. For real, though. Yeah, for, for Obama. Definitely, definitely want to send me out a B-day prez. That's just P.O. Box 5400 with my wish. I mean, just get that out. By which it means a birthday president. Yeah, and do send it on the sixth, because if it gets here before, again, we'll throw it in the trash. Definitely needs to arrive on the eighth. I was just kidding about if you want to vote for me, that's, I guess that's okay. It's like, just don't, just don't tell us about it. Yeah, if you, and hey, if you're a Mac, if you're a max fund donor, you can vote for Mac Moon Domination for all I care. I don't, I can't pronounce the gentleman's name, but you know. Was that Scott? I'm a Scott, man. You can vote for Jason Mraz, if you want to.

Mac Moon Domination. Hey, everybody, come on and listen close. It's listening to me. I'm Mac Moon Domination. It gets funnier every time you do it. You know, I fucking stayed at the same hotel. Last time I was in New York, I stayed at the same hotel as Mac Moon Domination. That's true. I was at the Warwick, and that's where Mac Moon Domination stayed. I'm sorry about his name. It's not come from a place of racism. It's come from the fact that Justin doesn't know how many fucking syllables are in this dude's name. I'm so certain there are no Bs. But he keeps sneaking in different syllables every time. That's my favorite. Did you guys know that Scatman died of throat cancer?

Hey, let's bring it down for a minute, you guys. What cruel or fate could there be than to take his own instrument to claim him? His final words were, I see Jesus. Travis, did you know that Scatman John used scatting and like Mouscat? Did you know that he used it to overcome a stutter? That's amazing, Justin. Do you have a Scatfax website pulled up? No, I know that about him. I know that about Scatman. Now, when you are Scatman John, does that mean that they're a different Scatman and you get the title and it's like an honorary thing? It's like Doctor Who. Yeah, it's basically, I'm the dread pirate Scatman John. When Scatman dies, he regenerates into a new Scatman, played by a new actor.

Okay, listen, we were trying to end the show. We've given people enough funny that they have their fill. This final yahoo was sent in by Michael Allen. Thank you, Michael. It's by yahoo and Ali Suleiman, who asks, can you send me some free Yu-Gi-Oh cards? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother and me, kiss your dad. Go away on the lips. you