My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 128: Y Tu Hermano Tambien

Episode Date: November 12, 2012

Sex and death are the two most powerful primal forces in life, friends, so it's time we sit down and have a frank, overdue discussion about the two. Only, not at the same time. Because, gross. Suggested talking points: Gift Registry, Today Show Slash Fic, Burnin' Rubber, Get Busy Child, Shitty Iron Man, Food Incentive, Down The Sexual Oubliette

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome my brother, my brother, and me in a bright show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet, sweetest candy pie baby brother, Griffin McElroy. All right, this is the birthday episode. Well, we already did that.

No, no, no. Well, this episode we're recapping the birthday. Oh, that'll be fun for me again for the second week in a row. Fun for me and applicable and fun. I cannot tell you how buck wild it has gotten in the mailbox. We got a magazine from Galle Ali and a Mad Libs book and $15 in Stone Cold Cash. Like we shouldn't be taking words. What? Yeah, just like three $5 bills in an envelope. Oh my God, it's like a Mima present. Is Galle Ali, has she secretly been our memes this whole time? She's been our Mima. I have one picture of a guy dressed like a pharmacist, and on the back, it has the words, pill monkey scared written on it. Okay. So that's cool. Gotta watch out for

Fireball's postcard or a podcast. Wait, the podcast is called Watch Out for Fireballs. And they sent you this as a gift? A postcard, yeah, an ad. Maybe they just tricked me. Joshua Noyes sent us anthrax, by which I mean the greatest hits of anthrax. Oh God, I think I would rather just have the anthrax. Oh, we got a wedding invitation. Oh. Anywhere close by to any of the places that we live? No, this is to Chicago. I'd go back to Chicago for a wedding. Okay, well, you can. You can go see Kristen Kotowski, get married to Alistair Stewart. This wedding invite is gorgeous. I wish you guys could see it.

What's the font? What kind of font are we wearing? Would they go with it? No, I mean, it is completely decorated in literally dozens of different typographies. It's a gorgeous. Are there any gemstones imbued in the paper? Not as such. What would you say is the net worth of this wedding invitation? $13,000. Joe Robson sent me a Pepsi Man action figure. Oh my God. We got Adam and what looks like Scrands, Mickelson, that's not a real name, sent us a picture, a Grand Canyon postcard and my man Tommy Fix sent us Space Jam a novelization. This is a brand spanking new copy direct from Amazon.

Okay, is that book still in print? Yes, apparently that book is still in print. Here's a picture of 17 babies butts and it says you deserve a 14 bun salute. And it turns out this is a birthday card from my nanny, so I am sorry about that. So as long as we're doing a mail call, I got a postcard today, or yesterday, because mail doesn't typically run on Sundays in the United States of America. Not as such. And it has the lead singer of corn on it, his face, and it says come here, a motivational speech about the story of the lead singer of corn, and I turned it over and it's for a nearby church. So that's something that I absolutely

have to go to, right? Something they've written about fan fiction about the lead singer of corn that will really motivate you. I think that there probably is a preacher somewhere in Austin, Texas who has motivational fanfic that they wrote about corn band members. Real quick question, has any of this been entertaining so far? It's hard to say, but that's not really my problem. It's our birthday month. But that's not important anymore. All that's bullshit. The only thing I care about is helping people. That's my thing, that's where I'm at. I want to advise people with their problems. So here's a question from them and then we'll answer it and see if there may be, if not better off, at least not worse.

I like to write a little in my free time. I'm not super good at it and I'm not trying to get published, but I have an overactive imagination, so it seems like I could go ahead and burn off thoughts in my head. It's nice imagery. I recently found a good friend of mine also writes for similar reasons. I've always wanted a writing buddy where we can both sit down for a week or something and write. No, sorry, sorry. Sit down for an hour a week or something and write. I just want to just come into this sweat lodge. We're going to go in. I can't write. We don't have any food or water or anything. There is no where to poop. Please do not in I sweat lodge. Turn your phone on silent. What are you doing? We are in the sweat lodge of advice right now. How can you take those kinds

of distractions? I can't. I'm completely out of the mix. I don't know what we were talking about. I don't know. It was so inconsiderate of dad to text me to tell me that I have holes in my fantasy football lineup. Okay. Anyway, if we ran into a wall, we could bounce ideas off each other. Is this a good idea? How do I suggest this to my friend without sounding like I'm crushing them or sounding like a dick? Fitzgerald, seeking him anyway. First, I suggest not starting off with I'm not super good at it. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a good suggestion. Go find a new thing that you are actually super good at. Maybe. I just want you to start from as high a point as you. That is the biggest thing of

success is showing up and being good at the thing that you want to do already. I think that writing is intensely personal. For me, it's like a poetry. It's like writing poetry. Writing is like writing. Writing books is like writing poetry. It's like putting words on paper is like writing. I've always liked in poetry to like writing a song without music in it. God, that's that's beautiful. That's that is a lovely imagery. So like if I said like, I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. I want to know right now what will it be? And then there's a question mark on it instead of a period. Whoa. Whoa. I like that. And that's I can say that's mine because I didn't sing it. Do you see what I'm saying? I think that if you go

to someone and lay out this plan for them, it runs a risk of being the weirdest thing they've ever heard. I really think like I know that this happens in real life. Like there are lots of writing teams over the years that have like come together and they have written books together and plays together and musicals together and like comedy bits together. But it always whenever you hear the story of it or read a memoir about it, it's always so organic. And it's like that's a thing right organic thing. And here's what you need to do by somebody else. You need to go to and say, hey, I've been writing something would love to get the the feedback on it and see what you think. And then after they're done reading and they give you your feedback, you just stand there and

they're around and then you say, is there anything you would like to show me? And then you wait and wait and wait and do not leave the room until you have words in your hand that they've written for your adjudication. I also think not trying to pass judgment, but I am that it's it's a little bit weird proposition, especially considering there's no end goal and you're not trying to do anything with it. Just saying like, we should get together. They want to grow as writers. What's wrong? They want to waste two people's time simultaneously. I want to take up now. It's not trying to go. It's not trying to grow as writers because you don't have an angle. You just want to burn off excess. Why can't you just get like that? You just be good at writing by Travis.

I play botchy ball to burn off my excess energy and I would love to be better at that. No, no, what I'm saying is that if you go to this person and say, I want to grow as a writer and I'd love to share ideas and bounce them back and forth and kind of give each other notes. But if you just go to him and say, I have a bunch of extra creativity, let's talk about it. Help me purge. Justin, do you botchy to burn off the thoughts in your head? Is that what you just said? Yeah, when I'm angry or it's been a long day at the bank, where I work, I just go home and I botch. Justin is actually incapable of dreaming. So instead, he must funnel his dreams through botchy ball. My dreams are funneled through botchy ball. So I just, I go out to the field or the ring or the

rink or the course. And he's got a botch to feel. I roll or toss or skid. You dribble the botchy ball. Is there anything you don't have in common with Cliff Huckstable? Tell me right now. Sandwiches? Check? Gynecology? Ah, check. I'm not going to fucking sell out to Jello. That's for God damn sure. Big Jellison is going to keep their hands off my uterus. Justin's always been custard or nothing. Custard or nothing. That's my jam. Hey, real quick, if we could go, I don't know how long we're going to keep doing the show. I think we've got at least another 10 episodes in us. But if we could just go without saying the words gelatin and uterus in the same breath. That sounds fine. Yeah, I'd say 10 episodes tops.

You got to let this, this cannot be a relationship that you pitch. It's got to be something that you develop. Start small. Don't try to say, hey, I would like us to have a writing relationship that is like last for years and is super productive and helps us both grow as writers. You just got to say, you got to start it normal. That would be like proposing marriage to the lady at the bank. Just start at the ground level. If you introduce this level of formality into it, then you're going to have to lay down all kinds of ground rules. If it's organic, then you know what you're getting into. But if you have to write up a constitution for how this thing is going to work, then you have to be like,

you know, I don't want to read your sci-fi erotica. Like just out of bounds, off the jump. Like I don't want that. If it's got slash fic in it anywhere. If you write today's show slash fic, I would like to read that. Yeah, because what if it's like just like the Citizen Kane or Citizen Kane slash fiction. Al Roker takes out everything. He gets everything. You get to see his holes. It's all out. You get to see his whole tackle box. Willard Scott dials up his list of a hundred-year-old perverts and he calls them over for sex. Old smucker sex. And then Aunt Curry is like, how could you do this to me? Jilted lover, Aunt Curry returns. Do you think? Yeah. Do you? You know what I'm about to ask, right? I know who you're at. Everyone on today's

show is secretly fucking, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. When he's like from the moment Roker's like, that's what's happening in our country. Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods. He's gone that moment. He's like reaching for the zipper to start blasting. He's like, get the blasting caps. I'm going to the sex mine. I have maybe 45 seconds lined up. I've got 200 in chips. It's time to play some Roker poker. Come over here, Hoda. Hoda. Matt Lauer, bring your bring your weird leukemia head over here, Matt Lauer. I'm going to blast. I'm going to blast into it. Matt Lauer used to look so good and healthy. What happened? You'd see that full of the Olympics. Like, is he competing? God damn. He looks fantastic. He looks fantastic. I think,

I think it's like we have like a portrait of Dorian Gray scenario between Roker and Lauer, because one is looking hundo percent better. And the other one is just shriveling up. Roker is looking fantastic. Like Darth Palpitus or whatever. Yeah. Lauer looks like he keeps sneaking peaks at the Ark of the Covenant. He's not looking at full blast. He's taking little sips out of the wrong grail. Right. Just a little, just wetness whistle with that. Why are we so mean to people we've never met? Because we keep hoping that we will meet them and they'll at least know who we are. That's all like, that's all, but it's my dream. You guys want a yahoo? I've always wanted Matt Lauer to just yell at me across the crowded bar. Hey, fuck you. You guys want a yahoo? Yes.

God, I have so many good ones. Thank you everyone who sent them in. Please keep it up. It was such a joy to read these. This yahoo was sent in by John Tabler. Thank you, John. It's by a yahoo answers user veila. Okay. Who asks? What does it take to start up a new cemetery? Commitment. I guess. Business is going to be good. I predict more people are going to be dying all the time. Yup. I want to offer bulb. Nice one, Nostradamus. I want to offer preservative free burials so the body decomposes faster and gets back to being fertilizer ASAP. I love that. I love that. I'm so big on that. Right off the jump. Everyone's going to die. Could be today, could be tomorrow, but it's definitely one of those two. Probably tomorrow.

It is today. It's either today or tomorrow. Yeah, everybody, that's true. This is a boom in business because have you ever been to a cemetery and been like, oh, this is so spacious? No, you haven't. You know, this is a good point though because there are many cemeteries, but at the beginning, you're just going to be that guy that buried a body in his yard. It's very hard to do this home grown. It's very hard to do a grass roots. You don't see a lot of cemetery startups. Right. Yeah. It's a just a man in a shovel. It's going really good. We've moved from single hidden corpse to sort of a level, I would say, tandem out to an Indian burial ground. Oh, yeah. Right now. Okay. Okay. So here's the thought I just had. Let me throw this out. Okay. What? Think of like a food

truck. But instead, it was like a crematorium on wheels. Travis, if you took that show on the fucking road here in Austin, you would be a quadrillionaire. Everyone would want to die with you. This is what I'm saying. Oh my God. And you know, Travis just said that as a joke. But before this episode's over, he's going to get a harried phone call from DLC. Listen, I call as fast as I could. Just fight with your old fat dad, please. Can you hire some stupid guy? Please, please, please hire a dumb guy and fight with your old dad. I was just thinking about it. It probably wouldn't succeed in Austin because everybody in Austin is like 22 years old. I think if anyone ever died in Austin, it would be like Logan's run. Like what? What?

Why isn't he moving? This is weird. Yo, Tyler, wake up. Here's a PBR. Come on. There's a concert in two minutes. Tyler, God, he's sleepy. Let's turn him into a Wi-Fi hotspot. Holy shit. That could be your business. Is there any, any cemetery with Wi-Fi in it? Probably not. Probably not. This is what Popperman would have wanted. He would have wanted me to sit here and browse my sites. Browse my sites on Instagram and your grave site. Do you like it? Sites? It looks so nice here. It will call Sites and Gravesites. I came to put some flowers on here instead. I'm going to grow some flowers in Farmville. I love you, Pop. I love you, Pop, Pop. You're 22. What would you call your truck that drove around the city and let people put dead bodies in it?

What would you, what would you call that? I was, I've been sitting here trying to think of a way to play Nash Bridges, like sort of like Ash Bridges. Burning rubber. Burning rubber is not bad. Would you have music? Like an ice cream truck? Yeah, right. Exactly. I think you would go want to go classy. I think like hit it with Don't Fear the Reaper or maybe Wider Shaded Pale or maybe Frankenstein. Frankenstein would be good. Burn all your corpses here. We turned them into fuel. What if that truck ran on the body? That's what I'm saying. That's energy for the truck. It's totally green. When you give your loved one over to the loving care of burning rubber, first of all, sorry for the Frankenstein, we are a completely green company with no overhead

and rest assured that your loved one will get us down to like the corner. We do need to pick up someone every 20 feet. Yes. This is going to require a lot of corpses. So if you've been holding on to them for a while, that's probably not legal. And for every corpse that you pay us to burn will burn the corpse of a needy child somewhere in Africa. So it's sort of, yeah, it's really nice actually. I'm so glad Tom's got into that. We offer our corpse for corpse guarantee. How do you open it? I'm sitting here. It's a real noodle scratcher. How do you? There's got to be an extensive permit process, right? More importantly though, you've got to have like a pretty big install base from the get go, right? Like you got to have like 20, 20 corpses at the start. Because nobody

the toughest part is convincing the first person, right? That's what I'm saying. You can't just have the first person. You have to have they don't want to be lonely in the ground. You know what I mean? You got to have like 20 people like to start it out. You got it. There has to be like enough to keep dogs out. There has to be like a train crash. And then you're like, this is my moment. You know? I bet though, it's just like when you open like a new condo or something and you're like everybody wants to get in on the ground floor and like you want everybody wants under the trees, you know? Yeah. Everybody wants to get the spot under the tree. Yes, sure. God, it doesn't matter. None of this fucking matters. Just leave me in the alley. Just look. Just prop me up beside that

Is there a commercial option in the mainland United States for a Tibetan sky burial? Is that an option? Cover me in honey. Leave me on a mountain. Let the birds deal with it. Fly me into the sky so I'm gonna be closer to Jesus. Everybody read fucking Stiff by Mary Roach. Yeah, because stop asking about dead people and just read Stiff. Just friend of the show, Mary Roach. Dissolve yourself and pour yourself like in a gutter somewhere. It doesn't matter. You're just eat honey for like 18 days or whatever and then die for a while in some honey and then have people eat you to heal themselves. Is that a real thing? Yeah, it's in Stiff. It's cadaver candy. Stiff is an appropriate name for that book. Did you have an erection?

Because of the erection I have. I think I love eating a dead honey man. I mean, honey woman. Shit, is that gay? You know, I want to go, I want to be, I want you to melt me in that stuff from Hiffing Roger Rabbit. Hey, Dylan, I finally listened to that podcast you recommended. Oh yeah, what did you think? Well, for the first 15 minutes they talked about things they got in the mail. For their birthdays. They talked about presents they'd receive. And they talked about death for 20 minutes and then I hung myself. I'm a ghost Dylan. Hi Dylan. And you said they talked about like dildos or something, but they didn't like electric dildos every week that they didn't do that. They talked about Cliff

Huxtable and then I killed myself. Yeah, but they're what, you know, the one part I did like was the money. I want to tell you guys about ussflagship.com. They have, first and foremost, of all of our corporate sponsors, the best call to arms I've ever seen. Travis hit me with it because I think only you're going to be able to do justice. You got it. What's the call to action? We'll check out ussflagship.com, read our stuff and then do your own thing, whatever it is. Make your dreams come true. Fuck. Yeah. Right. That gets me so excited. Guys, I've been, I've been waiting for the push I needed and this is it. I'm opening my own cemetery.

The flagship will host your amateur cemetery. Guess what it's called. Tell me. Cementary because, because I, god, I don't know, it gets, there's, come as involved somewhere. Yeah, we've got, so there's everything, I'm looking at the flagship and I'm seeing four or five things that I want to read right now. There's a weekly recap of Dawn of the Dead from a foremost expert on the zombie apocalypse. There's a, there's a ton of good stuff on here, ussflagship.com and I always tell people, you know, if you're interested in writing, if you want to forge a writing partnership with somebody else, why not do it on the flagship so that way you don't have to see the person. I think literally at the beginning of this episode, we said,

just stop writing, which I think the good, good people, the captains of the flagship would be, would the disapproval. Yeah, they are, so they have a website ussflagship.com, they also have a Twitter, ussflagship. A lot of good stuff to read and more importantly, go do your thing there. Go get busy, you know? Get busy, I have this saying that I came up with, get busy living or get busy done, I say. I had this phrase I came up with and it's get busy child and then behind it, there's like this space is like ba wow ba wow and then I keep saying it like over and over again and then all of a sudden all these teens show up and they're on ecstasy and they're just jumping up and down and the lights are going off and we're just like fucking tearing this warehouse apart. It's pretty

hard to drive this. I think I might be addicted to drugs. I was saying that I came up with and it's we're fighting for a right to live to exist and should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight, we're going to live on, we're going to survive, today we celebrate our independence day. Guys, where's the beef? Got it again. Is that something you came up with? Got it. I did get it. You got it. Get busy child. So go to usflagship.com. Can I publish all those things I said? Sorry? Can I publish those things I said? Like I want to find some way to profit off of get busy child and where's the beef,

but I don't know. Tell you what, when you feel close to death, I'll visit you every Tuesday and you tell me all the smart shit that you know about. Okay. And then I'll publish it in a book, Tuesday to Thursday, and we'll both get rich. I'll get rich, but I'll pay for, you'll be dead. When you make someone rich and then you die, then you, that shit pays forward in heaven. I really hope I get to be there. If one of the five people Mitch Alba meets in heaven is Moray, I really hope he's there when Moray wants to slice. What if it's not? What if five people show up and Moray and Moray is like, Hey, Mitch. This is weird. Hey, Mitch. I thought we had like a special thing around the middle of the week, Mitch. Mitch, do you remember? I remember, Mitch,

I can watch your bank statements from heaven, Mitch. Me and Jesus are very disappointed in you. All that why shit? And you've been the one making the bank. Moray, Tuesdays with Moray. His Mitch Alba's hell is he has to spend every Tuesday talking to that old cantanker. It's a bag, but, but, uh, Tuesday, Moray was a beautiful person and he, he, what, he taught me a lot, but I should have given him more money. I, I'm really sorry, Moray. If he hadn't been spending Wednesdays with Moray's wife, you know, I hope the five people I meet in heaven are in sync. Personally, personally speaking. Um, what about you guys? The five people I meet in heaven? Yeah. Um, I'm a BSB man. You're BSB. What, at least one of those guys is dead, right?

As far as I know that they're all dead. Travis, I would like to meet the four guys from 98 degrees and only one of the guys from in sync, but I'll leave that up to Jesus, which guy it is. I want to meet the entire cast and crew of the red green show because I think that that's probably five people. Do you think that the in sync in heaven, they're just like fucking swamped with all of these five people appearances? Like some, like a teenager dies. They're like, Oh God, God damn it. And God's like, what? And they're like, no. And then he's like, it's a work in sync. I brought you here for a reason. Do you want to go to hell? Like 98 degrees? You're on a work release program from hell. Why are we getting so like, we are engaging with some like really serious debt issues.

I feel like we're playing with the Ouija right now. I feel like we've dipped into the Ouija and we're harnessing its power. Hey, just real quick. Can I change my five people? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Okay. Cause mine is going to be a five main characters for entourage and I'm including Jeremy Pivot in there. I like that. Because my personal heaven is that they're all my entourage and I don't mean the actors. I mean the characters. Can I change? Sorry. Can I change mine again? Yeah. Okay, cool. I want to go with the Affleck Duck and I want... Wait, Gilbert Godfrey? No, no, no. The actual Affleck Duck. I want him... I think he said Affleck Duck. I want Affleck. I want Ben Affleck's pet duck. What about four Affleck ducks and Ben Affleck? Okay. And you have to guess which one's

which. Friends, we want to take a moment to tell you about our best friend, Bob Ball. He's a voice over artist. He's an entrepreneur. I think I can say that. He has a show called Popquisical that, you know, so many podcasts take so much of your time, like this one, for example. And all you get in exchange is us. A fucking hour of our lives that we've given to you as a fucking gift. Three total man hours of our precious lives. You thankless thug. Bob Ball is not as generous as we are. His show is much shorter, but it is pretty great. It is a pretty great listen weekend week out. You can find it at Popquisical.com or you can find his own page at BobBallVO. It's a trivia show that he hosts himself. It's beautifully produced, had new topic every week. The most recent

is about profanity, which is a lot of fun. It's fucking awesome. It's fucking great. He does a hint show every week and the show is great and it's a lot of fun and it's sort of a quick hit to cleanse the palate. Just a little bump. Just a little knowledge bump. Just a hit. I can stop whenever I want. Even if you want to dip back to episode 20, my brother and my brother and me is a topic. I'll listen to you. Listen to the rest of Popquis. Just listen to the bit that's about us. Get out of your own asshole. I didn't mean that. Sorry. Number four. The fourth one is about us. Get out of your asshole. Sorry. Go to BobBallVO or popquisical.com. Follow them on Twitter and enjoy the show. I think you're really gonna like it. If

you hear while listening to the podcast, a strange echo coming from Justin's audio source is because he's inside his own asshole and it's cavernous and marble-y in there. BobBallVO Justin's asshole.com. Let's have another death question. This is, this is what Yahoo was sent by Jacob Blocker so you know it's gonna be good. Thanks Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user Philip who asks how much would it cost to bronze my corpse when I die? Hmm. The first answer is exactly 32,988 dollars I guess. Wow. Is that including like all the like the fees? I like this idea so much. For me personally, let me tell you why. Okay. Just in case I ever do something awesome enough to merit a statue built in my honor, it's like pre-pro. You know what I mean? Like they don't have to worry

about, I would love to build this statue in Griffin's honor. I would love to. He was a very important figure for insert important reason here. But I just don't know that we have the maintenance fees for it right now. With this, I can say don't even worry about it. This is me and maybe I'm standing up, maybe I have a piece of pizza in my hand that I also bronzed and I'm giving like a hang 10 sign with my other hand. So kind of a team shooting in Israel's pasty. Maybe a little team and tea perhaps. Maybe I have roller skates on. Maybe the roller skates aren't bronzed. Well, that's going to create some tricky feet issues. Anyway, I researched this topic a little bit beforehand because that's I like to bring an expert sort of flair. I guess you

could say to the show and I stumbled on a forum where writers ask about things that could happen in one of the stories that they're writing, which is always like basically the best. Sure. And Amy Ashley is in here asking if she can bronze a dead body. She said, I've seen it done in another book, but technically those bodies were vampires. So I think that might have been fudged. Well, I mean that. Okay. That's complete. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, let me finish here. She has a few people saying that you need to make a wax sculpture out of it and then bronze it. And someone else says they think the bronze would melt the flesh. And then Amy Ashley dips back in four questions down and says,

actually, it isn't truly human. It's more of a fish, a mermaid to be exact. I would say definitely called blooded. Okay. Well, that's gonna that is going to hold up under the pressure of vulcanized metal. Right. Is this something that you guys would be because we've never talked about like what we want to do with and to each other when one of us passes away first Travis? Well, first and foremost, I am bothered by the limitations of the question. I don't understand why I have to wait to be dead to be bronzed. Are you talking full bronzing? Are you talking like a partial tremaine? I'm just saying like, I feel like it would be very protective if I could just go like toes to neck. Okay, you'll leave my head out there for all the important shit,

but just go toes to neck. And so then I know I'm bait. Wait, is bronze bullet proof? It depends on how thick it is. I can tell you this, though, it is poop and peep proof. There's gonna be some outlets. I'm gonna need some outlets cut. Okay, so basically what we're talking about is like a shitty Iron Man scenario. I am. Iron Man. I'm falling over. Shit. I landed on my dick outlet. Fuck. Help me. Pepper pots. Help me. I peed and pooped in my bronze suit again. Watch me shoot my beams. Oh, I don't have beams. I'm just made of steel. Fuck me. Avengers assemble. I pooped and peed in here a month ago. Master. Yes, Jarvis, you smell like fucking piss on metal and I hate it. I'm leaving. I'm an AI and

I hate it. I'm deleting myself because of how bad your pee metal smells smells. Yes. I like that Travis is concerned about it being bulletproof. If anyone would ever want to shoot a robot. Travis, you have to worry about it being bulletproof because I'm saying a week and a half in. You're gonna be like fucking kill me. Yeah. Okay, Justin, I want to go back. You're gonna turn yourself. No, if there's any gun toting criminal that walks in and because there's a man covered in metal, surely he's a robot. That man doesn't deserve to be mad at me because he's an idiot. I am not a robot. I'm still a human being. I'm just trapped in a metal husk. Okay. And the husk that has become my life because the multiple are pre-planning.

Why would anyone want to shoot a man that is locked himself with his dick and butthole hanging out? How is your flap that people can look under and he can't stop him because he can't move his arms? Please, everyone, stop looking at my dick and or my whole. I think they have a name for someone who's limbs are in case in metal, but who's sex organs are exposed and that's a fuck prison. That's what you're set yourself up for. Travis, can you, can you admit to us right now that this actually sounds like your dream scenario? All that you have to do is have food fed to you and shit where you stand and it's totally, totally acceptable. I don't like that you assume that I would be bronze standing. Okay. What would your stitch be? What kind of, what position are we talking?

We're climbing on a chaise lounge like Cleopatra. Okay. Okay. What if, Travis, what if you, what if that started out as the life but then you turned into the like grand prize in a high stakes racer on the world or something because that seems like you'd be, you'd be very valuable. Or like I sunk to the bottom of the ocean like in AI and like some aliens found me in a thousand years but I'm still alive because I didn't have to use a lot of energy to just keep my head alive. His love, his love is real. His first place for this grand prix around the world is this bronze fuck prisoner. Like what's second place please? What's last place to get me? A lead fuck prisoner. The worst part about being in case in metal and having people have to feed you

through the hole in your face is that you can never really be particular about saying much orders again. You really just have to accept whatever the person brings you. Egg salad, potato, potato. Now you hire someone else to smack things out of your mouth for you. This is disgusting. Someone scraped it. Someone scraped the residue from my mouth. Oh man, this just, this turned into a saw movie in my mind real quick. Yeah, it seems like pretty bad. Is this what human centipede was about? Kind of, only instead of bronze it was another human's onus. Did you guys, uh, did you guys see the new Robocop? It was basically just a guy coding himself in metal and having sandwiches in his head and then pooping himself on a chase lounge. Stop that crime. Hey, cut that crime out

or else I'll make you watch what I do. That would be a pretty good scene at Robocop. Halfway through the movie he realized that as soon as metal and it's too heavy for his bones. I want you guys to know that also, now in, in what, 128 episodes? I've now learned that this was the kind of thing that I say this as a joke and someone out there is going, Travis is so fucking dumb. That wouldn't work. That would never work. Yeah. I can, I can say though that after knowing you for almost 30 years, well 25, that this is the kind of thing that you would actually give a lot of thought. I would research it. I'm not saying you would do it, but I'm saying it would occupy a lot of your

faculties for, I would say three to four days. Well because I would also say this, in my, in my many years of being obsessed with really weird things that people have done in the past, someone has attempted to do that. Oh sure, sure, sure. I mean here's the thing, people cryogenically freeze themselves. You don't think someone back in like the 1600s when people were, let's be honest, dumb. Yeah. That somebody was like, I know how I'll live forever. I'll be encased in metal. When someone, like somebody's done it. Here's the, here's the question of the hour. I die, which is never going to happen, but this is, this is a, you know, hypothetical. I die, I get my corpse frozen in bronze. What do you guys do with that?

What do you do with that? Do you put that in the independently owned and operated cemetery? Do you put that in the living room as like some sort of fun statue? Do you put me in the yard, like one of those kind of racist lawn jockeys? I think that would be a great way to, as to act as a seed for your cemetery, because people know you're serious, you know? I also want to say that. And you can see one body above ground. That's really good advertising. It also would be a great moment if you just like had the statue in your home and friends came over and they were like, well, that's a really detailed statue. And you say, Oh, thank you. It's my brother. And they say, Oh, is it like to commemorate him or how did he die? And you're like, Oh, no, no,

no, that is my brother. That is in fact. Yeah. And PS, a weird person that's in my house. If I have a statue cast in honor of my brother, it will not have his generals exposed. So PS person with him. Oh, where are you going? You don't want to see that? You don't want to talk about my dead brother stat? All right. I want to, you're going to talk about the Mormon faith. I'm ready to listen. It would literally be like, I wouldn't even need to see all of it like around as I came through the doorframe. As soon as I saw like the brawn, like the tip of his bronze dead nose, I'd be like, Oh, hold on. I've got a phone call in my car, in my car phone. Bye. Yeah. But tip of his dead bronze nose, we could play Family Feud and have people guess how you're

going to end that sentence. And survey would never say nose. It would never ever say nose. No, I've listened to my brother and brother a few times. I'm pretty sure he's not going to end the sentence with those. Let's go to the leaderboard. Let's check it out. Survey says no 100% said dick. Everyone said dick. It seems 100%. You got 100 points. Justin, this is the worst Louie Anderson impression I've ever heard. Let me try again. Let me try again. That's Ray Combs. Let me try Louie Anderson. Shut up. I'm trying to do my Louie Anderson. Wow. 100% of the people said dick. That's my Bruce Valanche. Fuck. I saw Bruce Valanche on Shark Tank yesterday. That's some of the bitch was pitching a software to teach

old people how to use internet, how to use it, how to harness its power. I mean, I would want that's like creating a book to help illiterates learn to read. Yeah. Right. Like if I could log into computer classes, they seem to be in pretty good shape. Yeah. Do you guys remember when before the jump, we're like, we've got to move through these questions faster. But right now I'm Googling Richard Karn to like make a timely Family Feud Richard Karn joke. And I think the nice Karn Balmall. I think maybe we should move on. I have a roommate who's constantly eating my food. He will always eat 99% of something and leave one item left. For example, he ate most of my pretzels, but left one and ate a full jar of

pesto with said pretzels, but left a spoonful of pesto. He ate an entire bag of gummy bears, but left a single bear. I feel petty ask him to stop eating my groceries, but he doesn't do any grocery shopping on his own. How should I deal with this without sounding like a petty roommate? Like, okay, here's the thing, redefine what the word petty means to you because he's eating your house and eating your shit and doesn't buy his own shit. More importantly though, he's leaving a single element of a left saying now there's still some for Jeff to enjoy. There was one Pringle in this fucking can. Once you pop, you literally have to stop Jeff because they ate the other 99 Pringles. Did you know every can of Pringles has exactly 100

Pringles in it? Jeff, you're basically living with a bear, but worse because at least the bear is it will eat everything and it will like you just gotta throw it away after a bear is done with it. But this guy's eating you out of house and home. There's no I mean you can't like how far does this go? Like he leaves one square of toilet paper that you bought. He leaves the core of the apple. I boned your girlfriend, but I stopped right before completion. Can we lay out a dictate to America and the world, but mainly America because I don't know what's going on elsewhere. If you cannot afford to live in an apartment by yourself, you have to live with your parents or be homeless. You can't, no one can live with anyone they are not dating anymore.

It's that's simply untenable. I didn't know it before this. All roommates are awful. They're the worst. That's not, that's not. We throw away, I listen Brent Brental floss was my roommate. I love him very deeply. We are, we are still best friends and we lived together for three years. If you ask either one of us, like did you at any one point 100% enjoy living with each other? The answer is no. Yeah, but you don't want 100% enjoy like any person like that. That's you're gonna have 100% 100% enjoy my wife. I enjoy my girlfriend. I'm saying though like you're gonna have friction with anybody that you live with over something even if I think the problem is that you don't have friction with the person because then that that's when the real problems arise.

You don't want to like fuck you fuck fuck your roommate. Don't fuck your roommate. Like first off, don't do that. I do think that is an option though. I think that's an option is to even if you're a heterosexual and you cannot afford to like you have to live with someone of the same Just get it over with. Just go ahead. I want you to eat this last gummy bear. Only what? It's not in the bag. Where could it be? Can we suggest that like can you do maybe not a sexual relationship? I meant like in his butthole but and then like you would have to. Oh gosh okay. Couldn't you thank you for clearing that up. I needed a road sign to find that one. What if you were to just say like we're not in a sexual relationship but as long as you live here and I

live here there is no boundary like we we are literally we we are in this thing together we are live we are living as a unit. I think that that might be possible. Isn't that what like the majority of 80s sitcoms was about? I think yeah like perfect strangers I think was exactly about I don't think the guys in perfect strangers ever fucked each other. No I'm not saying they I'm not saying they fucked each other. I'm saying like they combine their butt and their wiener to stand tall on the wings of their dreams. Like they don't have two milks there's just the one milk and they're both sharing it and if you don't have any groceries like that that is a problem both of you have. Listen yeah and and question asker it is not fucking petty

is the worst thing in the world when you come home and you're like you know all the worst to dive into that bag it's the worst roommate situation in the world okay it's not the worst thing worst roommate situation in the world when like you've been sitting at work and you're like man I just had the worst day but I bought myself that bag of gummy bears yesterday when I was shopping for just such an occasion I was gonna dive head first in that bag of gummy bears you come home I'm fucking coming. Do you remember that when like just super quick real quick sidebar if you're in this situation it may be time to consider getting a new job if if the if the highlight of your day is the gummy bears you're gonna eat later please you might be a red man yeah time to go to

Resomator and start seeing what's available because you are in a bad job I don't know what kind of posh high-level upper management jobs you've had in your life you've never had a job where the highlight of your day is going to be the fact that you bought yourself like an ice cream treat uh-huh and then maybe after that maybe you'll kill yourself maybe what so okay Travis what is the narrative here this person gets a grocery store buys an ice cream treat says hang tight little buddy I was talking to you yes I don't know what kind of idealistic lives you guys have led but sometimes you know you gotta buy your bread you gotta buy your milk you gotta buy your shit but then you go you know what this box of candy this is just for me when Travis is in trouble you know

this is for this is for emergencies only this right this is a blank box of mysterious unlabeled candy what could be inside here it's like jumanji in candy form I can't wait to eat this when I get home from the office you guys have never had emergency treats not that defined the course of my entire day no Travis okay out of out of years out of years of your like 365 days you've never had one day where you think like oh I've got a steak at home I'm gonna eat that today I have everything better do I just live like a horrendous food-based lifestyle you've been grief-eating for like a decade I think like it's yeah yeah no that's not great travel that is not great behavior it's not great it's not ideal I'll have you know that I met with a personal trainer yesterday and he said my body fat

percentage was fair your body is amazing but my body is a wonder let's just I this is not it sucks but it's not that do you remember 30 episodes or so ago when the guy talked about how his roommate fucked on his bed and left like that's the worst left like a love mess whenever he did it like that's one gummy bear sitting in the middle of the mess yeah he left his leavings and like that fucked in your bed and also I all but one of your gummy bears is detritus I think that you should count your count your lucky stars there was enough left there that a bloodhound can track him through the streets of London let's put it that way let's leave it at that um god yeah god I'm so glad I'd never have to do that again do you guys want a yahoo please um this yahoo

was sitting by uh Valerie Rogers thank you Valerie it is by yahoo answers user Paul who asks what is the sexiest dog I sometimes jog in the dog park around the corner from where I live the other day I got talking to a model who was walking her dogs in said she would like to see me again I told her I walk my dog there a lot so she would probably bump into me sometimes problem is I don't have a dog I now have to buy one so she doesn't know I was lying to her so I could maybe get laid I am wondering what type of dog I should get I want to get the sexiest dog possible so I have the best chance of getting into her pants what kind of dog what do you dog owners suggest which dog is more likely to drive her crazy having a seizure I also need one that

doesn't make much noise because my wife can't find out she doesn't like dogs ah twist oh god you know right there at the end I thought it was so bad but now I see it for what it truly is you got a yahoo shamanian I think it's gotta be an afghan ham their hair looks like a beautiful lady's hair hanging down yeah that's not bad what about something that has even like a suggestive name like a like a schnauzer you know what I mean because whenever I hear schnauzer I think of like how a barbitt is actually is called a gun dog by the by the united kennel club well I was more thinking of like you could ostensibly refer to your penis as like your schnauzer you know what I mean why don't you get a human slave dresses a dog and walk them through the dog part this is

good this is a good line of dialogue for us and you want to know something people do that that exists I saw it on an episode on I believe TLC let's let's clear up real quick though just for a second when you say human slave you're talking about an snm thing and not a literal slavery thing okay no I'm talking snm a bd sm kind of thing okay and the person you know they wear snout and dog ears and whatnot get them on a leash they crawl in all fours through the dog park and I don't know whether they use the bathroom like a dog but hey I think it's safe to assume okay I'm gonna need about 15 minutes to just jerk it real quick can we can we take a break can we have a brief jerk it recess yeah and then we'll edit that out and we're and oh got it there

was so much hey can can I ask a real quick favor from people who are into snm uh you know I'm into it you know I'm down with you having your lifestyle could you not take that whole scene into a public forum where that's going to be that person's whole week unless unless unless unless there is a special park that's just don't smell his ass just kidding go for it you have to do it you bitch wild the place in which this I saw this occurring it was uh an SM an SNMP in San Francisco well that seems like the kind of place for that would happen yes yes of course I'm saying maybe this is a special dog park but can you imagine being a regular dog owner that she's like oh a new dog maybe like the deeps like didn't Texas or something like that like oh this is not a thing

that has ever happened in this whole zip code cool cool Justin you got real quiet okay I just sometimes it gets the walls you try to put up for yourself you think that they're to keep we have an agreement I know it's just an inside but it turns out the walls have been there to keep all this out because maybe just maybe maybe it's your thing it's got to be somebody's thing what if it's my thing like how much of me guarding myself maybe some of my social anxiety can be traced back to the fact that I'm constantly worried I'm gonna be like woof let's fuck I need it but we have to we can't let those fears control where we go on this show you know we have to have this agreement no limits no restraints take this pill let's go down this sexual oubliette

together some some restraints but only if there is yeah yeah right let's go down this one we're the other we have to figure we got this show is a sexual spirit journey and in more ways than one and when we start pulling back a little bit when we start holding back the reins do you remember three years ago when we sat down and we started discussing doing this show and we said we're going to do this show for one reason and one reason alone to learn about ourselves sexually come my brother my brother made come listen to three brothers discover the show sexual open their flowers to new possibilities you remember when we were coming up with names to the show and I thought that it to her mono tom be in was going to be was going to be forever

okay I do think that making the show has skewed my perception of what it of I don't I do not think I have a barrier for what is a parameter for what is normal I used to think things are weird nothing's weird do you remember everything is beautiful do you remember like 100 episodes ago we were like hey furries right and now we're all basically fur is now and now I legit no joke if I hear someone out in real life make fun of the furries I will interject into a stranger's conversation and be like um excuse me that's actually coming from a very uninformed place and let me tell you what you need to know about the furry community are we a microcosm of this experiment called America I hope that the amount of progressiveness that we show on this show every

single episode I think if we can take steps forward like that as a fucking nation then we are going to turn into like a hellraiser-esque dimension of pain and pleasure I think I think initially we did have so we had a lot of socially accepted bigotry yeah I think when we started we had a lot of socially acceptable I was not into interracial marriage I was I was firmly I didn't believe an older person could truly love a younger person now I know we used to be the only person we have gotten irashly angry at and I have not regretted as jugglers I still feel like we were pretty much on the money with jugglers uh I want to keep that feud going but literally everything else I I am sorry for any time we've judged now is that your Appalachian

affectation on the word juggalos hey man you gotta have festivals and bunch of jugglers around I would marry my first born daughter to a juggalo before I let her date a juggler wow I want to leave it at that wow out of my mind by saying that my my future daughter is going to listen to this and date a juggler to piss me off god damn kids right it's like we work so hard for you to not date anyone who suspends balls in air that's all I ask it's all I ask is to stay away from wizards and press the digitators and jugglers I don't like anybody who does tricks I don't think it's so wrong our dad was murdered at a carnival should we have we ever talked about the fact our dad was murdered at a carnival

no I don't think so okay well it's although I would like to throw out uh a special thanks to our our adopted father uh Clint McRoy we adopted him you've done such a great job raising us but the scars of our former dad's carnival murder unsolved carnival murder I feel like it really informs a lot of the stuff we talked about on the show I am amazed that like I'm amazed that we've never talked about it hasn't come up it seems like it would have come up the fact that our dad was killed by a juggler well we can't prove that he was the prime suspect could have been anybody could have been a bearded lady could have been a lizard man could have been a dunkin booth maybe a knife thrower that seems accurate could have been oh shit cotton candy guy last person

you ever suspect he doesn't have any super problems this cotton candy tastes like my dad what spun to death you made it from amelio um all right guess his weight is what's in the show well I was gonna keep making like carnival carnival shit okay go ahead I gotta grab a washcloth what's wrong I spilled some coffee okay um I was gonna say like guess his weight oh hey girl okay what's up nothing I we never talk yeah what's um what are you are you seeing anybody I mean not right now why do you ask I mean like are you like are you dating um no I'm engaged to know did I not tell you that to what are you who are you engaged to

uh to my fiance right but who the fuck like Jesus man what happened to us sorry I was trying to hold out but thank god Justin's back um thank you everybody to get for continuing to bear with us I know that it gets got a little weird I guess you could say this week it seemed to me you know what's funny I don't think it did comparatively I would this one's probably just I don't know I feel like we made people come face to face with their own mortality probably more than they're comfortable with yeah and their own sexuality like what other podcasts offers you an ability to look into the future and both see yourself dead and see yourself in a leather dog costume sex and death it's the two primal forces of life according to the pilot

episode of the wonder years so thank you to everyone who was uh uh mailing us stuff want to mail us something it's p.o. box 54 honey to us virginia 25706 thank you to people tweeting about the show lee mahi uh not zack newton brandy no i mean not zack news his name i'm not calling out someone named zack newton for not tweeting about the show costbizzle east coast dandy uh k crushing charlene 519 sam bar santi i am femenista the rab sub random dart katal sketchy tk radigal 1000 everybody and uh make sure you follow mb mb am wisdom it is a twitter feed that only tweets quotes from the show so that's pretty sometimes when you say the names of people on twitter you say them in like kind of an incomprehensible manner that makes it sound like you're reading off some

sort of incantation like you're casting some sort of shitty spell i am on casting a spell of love i want to i want to thank john rogerick in the long winter's for use for our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed did you guys know that john rogerick was working on a christmas album with with uh with uh not john hajman but the other john you know the other john jonathan coltrane the yeah it's him and john coltrane they're working on an album together it's called smoky christmas um no it's called holidays with a ze and it's actually jonathan colton and that's not the name of the album but my keyboard is really loud so if i google it then everybody's gonna know so i'm just gonna fess up right now don't know the name of the album but google

john coltrane john rogerick christmas together forever and you should find the album that i'm talking about thank you thank you so much i think you can say if you say john john rogerick john that colton john coltrane if you search all three of them you will find it i think um i also if you wouldn't mind we haven't made this plea in a while if you could like tell a friend about our podcast if you could just like reach out to somebody that you're close to that your friends with that you think they share your comedy sensibilities and maybe reach out to them extend the olive branch um and and share a link to our our podcast or our sampler bit.ly it's moving bam um then that would be good for us because we want to spread our reach we want

you guys to evangelize now griffin if i'm not mistaken you do have a uh a final question for it was sent in appropriately by uh christa whelan thank you christa whelan oh uh throwing shade has oh listen to all the other max fund podcasts max from fund out or go listen to them throwing shade uh uh jordan jesse go international waters judge on hodgeman stop podcasting yourself risk memory palace is that all of them um throwing shade has requested or actually a listener of throwing shade requested on the last episode that uh they and us we and they uh switch catch phrases okay just a little bit of cross promotion a little cross marketing a little cross christa whelan sent this one and thank you christa whelan it's uh by yahoo institutions or jamey who asks

anyone else have the phobia that batman's going to smash your head into the mirror while you're peeing i'm just a macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother and me don't die