My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 132: iJolene

Episode Date: December 10, 2012

We've got one week until our Candlenights spectacular, an episode known for its cleanliness and familial accessibility. You know what that means? This week, we're exclusively talkin' 'bout dicks. Suggested talking points: The Garden, Blastercard, Casper The Super Conservative Ghost, Life Apps, Sreven, Shower Karate, Romancing the Parents, Santa Barn Farce

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Garden, the Internet's number one resource for swinging adults, the swinging lifestyle, and all the stuff that goes in between. I am your pleasure guardian, Bruce Bruceon. I can't do this.

And I'm Hank, the Spank Tank, Jankersen, Jankersley. Hank, we did talk about trying to keep the volume down. I'm excited about fucking other people's wives, purses. Sure, sure. Sure, it's understandable. Who could be, why, who wouldn't be excited about the purses of power? Here's first Hank Spank Tank, Jankersen's pro tip. Find the best butt you can.

Best to find the best butt in the room and just get it and have it. Of course that is with consent. Maybe that butt's on a man. Hank ain't here to judge. Well, we should all be open, I think, to different possibilities. There's a lot of liberation in that and accepting. I think I walked in the wrong recording booth. Well, we will clear out soon.

We know that the brother, brother, brother chat, brother chat is supposed to be. Man, you're going to want to get a squeegee in here, man, before you start recording. Because there's going to get, there's some leaving. Brother chat is actually the number two podcast for swinging your adults and everything in between. So I'm sorry, was it Travis? Yes. Travis, if you could just step out of this recording studio, head down the hall. I'm sure you'll find the guy you're looking for.

Okay, click. Man, that guy with the suction cup shoes really freaked me out. I was trying to do a little, a little prairie home companion sound effect. So fully, I liked it. This is my brother, my brother, me, an invite show for the Modgen era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm your oldest brother, Travis McRoy. Oh, no, stop the world.

You messed up your name. The cat sat me in the face. You said Trevor. I actually said Trevor, but I'm your sweet baby brother. Hank, the spank tank jankersly. You guys ever noticed that Griffin and Hank, the spank tank are never in the same room at the same time? Interesting.

Some people have noticed that actually Griffin looks like Hank, the spank tank jankersly to, but with glasses on, which I'm beginning to see through their ruse. What we do on this show is we take your questions and then we turn them alchemy like into wisdom. Let's get right into the queries. Last week, I worked a really long 24-hour shift at my retail job. My boss, seeing my dedication, decided to buy me lunch. He handed me his credit card and sent me on my way.

I ended up spending $17 on an amazing burger and fries. Now mind you, this is NYC and it's a higher-end burger spot. My question is, how much is an appropriate amount to spend when your boss offers to buy you lunch? Did I spend too much? I don't want my boss to think I took advantage of his kind offer. That's from Stuffed in NYC. Wait, wait, wait. First and foremost, you worked a 24-hour shift?

Yeah, with that in mind, your boss is lucky that you didn't just take him and then fart on the card before you gave it back. Because that's bananas. The old stinky plastic. Blaster card. The blaster. Are you asking the technical or the real life? Because technically, when he offers to buy you lunch, it's your choice and you can get whatever you want.

I think technically speaking, you committed a federal crime. You used somebody else's credit card. That doesn't even mean anything anymore in this day and age. No, honestly, the other day, my boss sent me to buy a projector for the office and it was a pretty big purchase and I'm sitting there and I'm like, paint stained jeans and t-shirt and I hand it to him. Look at very meth-y. I want to buy this very expensive projector with this card that is not the same name as

my ID, which you just checked and dude is just like, okay. I bought groceries the other day from a credit card and it gave me the prompt to put in my signature and hit accept, but I just hit accept and then put in my signature and it went through and I felt like I just felt like taking out my wallet and just dumping it out on the floor and just saying, all right, everybody have at it because apparently there's no security on these goddamn things at all. I took Teresa's card to go buy a video game for a secret Santa present and dude looked at the card, saw that it said, Teresa and was like, okay.

And like, why do we even care anymore? Right, yeah, why are you even trying? I don't think $17 is obnoxious for- Because who the fuck knows how rich their boss is in this world? Who knows? Yeah, that's true. Like, every time I've gone out to dinner with a boss, they eat like a steak made out of bouillon and it's like, okay, I didn't know that this is where you were, fungibly speaking,

but congratulations, Dr. Mr. 1%. Duder, when you get back, isn't going to be like, well, thank you for your 24-hour long shift, but I see here that you spent $17 on lunch, you fired. How good do you think that burger was though? Oh boy, I bet it had some blue cheese on it. That's all theorycraft, what that burger was like, because I'm imagining pure, what's it called when they feed cow's lobster, and it butters up their fat meats.

It's like butter cow, butter cow, butter beef. Yeah, butter, I bet it was pure, fat, angus butter beef patty tripping. And then you got to have that apple wood. Is it the angus butter beef, the kid on two and a half men? You know, I hear he's super Christian now. He is. They always have apple wood smoked bait. I don't know what apple wood is,

it's where you take a piece of wood and you put an apple on it. And then they use that, they just burn that? Well, they take the apple out first. It's wood that has been touched by an apple. Okay, that doesn't make much sense, but I mean, I'm not culinary. Touched by an apple is my favorite TV show, and it's all about people whose lives are being ruined by sin, and then an apple shows up on their door,

but it's completely stationary and doesn't talk or give out blessings or anything. It just really makes them think, like it makes them pause. We'll put this fucking apple here. I'm going to turn the things around. I'm going to go send it. It's actually closer to earlier, early edition than it is touched by an angel, because it's like the apple beers, and it's like, oh, shit, there's apples here.

I got to save that busload of kids tomorrow. This does not sound like a good show. What you guys are describing sounds like an unenjoyable program. It only went about 10 episodes. It was on after a revolution. I don't want to think about how much you spend anymore. I'm bored of thinking about it. I think you're fine.

I think that you put in an extraordinary effort. Your boss was trying to alleviate his guilt. That's the only reason anybody does anything. So you did him a favor by spending, getting something juicy at night. I think it's not like outlandish. It's not like you spent $50 on lunch steak. Like you live in a very expensive city, and you got some food that costs a good amount of money.

If your boss didn't like it, maybe you should have let you not work 24 hours straight and violate OSHA regulations. Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Maybe he should have just let you go home and sleep rather than buy you a present. Just let your sleep, you're so tired. How does anybody stay up for 24 hours? I don't think I'm capable of staying up for longer than 12, and this person did double that.

My boss at the speed factory. This is from Walter White. Okay, I don't want to talk about this question anymore. Okay, it's really bumming you out, isn't it? Is it because it's bringing you back to your your Halcyon retail days? Yeah, it's just like 24 hours is such a long time to do anything. There's nothing I want to do for 24 hours ever. And this guy had to work at a retail job.

It's just bumming me out. You should have used that credit card to buy yourself a plane. To Jamaica. I had a girl once and all she wanted to do was party for party all 24 hours. Party all the time. And so, I guess Eddie Murphy wrote a song about it. Anyway, let's go on. I'm not feeling very funny today, guys.

I don't know what's happening to me. We could just like try and do like a really serious episode where you get about like really heavy. Just like real shit. Yeah. It gets like so deep. Deep and dirty. Maybe a yahoo would like, maybe we can say something funny about it.

I don't have any good ones of those either. Ah, shit. This is going to be a dead ski. This yahoo was sent by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's by yahoo answers user Tom who asks, do ghosts appreciate it if you leave them a little snack on the countertop? Not like health food or vegetables or anything.

But you know, like a tasty snack like Oreos or leftover dessert. If you do this, would they actually eat it? And if they did, then couldn't you show your proof to scientists that they are real wildlife? Jesus Christ. That was a toughie. That was like, wouldn't it be great if like the only reason we have yet to prove the existence of ghosts

is because no one sought to leave from some cookies? That's true. Well, is that really what a ghost would be into? No, because as we've all seen in Casper the Friendly Ghost, they eat it and it's just going to fall at the bottoms. Which begs the question, how do they even eat it in the first place? Think about that. Think about that scientist who'd write up Casper.

If he can eat it with his mouth and his stomach, should be also tangible to contain it. Just some food for fucking thought, Casper writers. Do you think Casper employed, you know, how sometimes military video games will employ a, you know, some special ops guys to like confirm what they're doing is accurate. Do you think the producers and directors of Casper enlisted some paranormal experts that could give,

that could check the accuracy of some of the things in the film? Clearly not. I thought you're going to ask if maybe they employed like some ghosts to fact check for them. I think they aren't real. Here's the thing. If a ghost ate a sandwich with his mouth, then it would stay in his tummy, right? Can we all agree on that?

If we're going to agree on anything about ghosts, and I, of course, they're not real. Um, you're saying if he had the physical capability to chew and swallow, if those mechanisms working. Okay, so if we're agreeing, then it's like an if A, then B situation. If the, if the ghost is able to pick up the sandwich. Chew the sandwich, swallow the sandwich. Then he has a mechanism.

To digest and then poop the sandwich. If the ghost is unable to interact with a corporeal sandwich. Yeah. Then of course. Oh my God. Okay. So let's, let's use ghost logic. And by ghost logic, I mean the movie ghost.

Because then when he finds himself in the heat of a terrible passion, he can become part of our, of our extant world. You know, he can be tangible. So here's, here's the scenario. Kasper gets really, really angry about, you know, you know, Obama, you know, taking away his guns or something like that. And so in that moment, in that moment of passion, he asks,

Kasper the friendly, but very conservative ghost. Yeah. He eats. Well, he's the ghost of Richie Rich, right? And Richie Rich is obviously a wonder. That's never been clear to me, but I think that's the case. That is obviously the case. So in the heat of a terrible passion,

ah Obama, then let's see the birth certificate. And he gets like really angry. And in the heat of that terrible passion, he eats an angus butter beef burger. But then like he eats it and then like he cools down a little bit. And in that moment of, you know, of chilling, of cold lamping, the burger falls directly. So he's anger eating.

See, I would think that the burger, though, would then make the transition back to the astral spectral plane with him. Well, that doesn't make much sense to me Travis, because then if like he got angry about Obama, then for immigrants, then like he could like grab someone's hand and then like chill on it. And then like would that person come with them to ghost, to the ghost land observatory?

Do you think that if Casper wants to eat a full meal, he has to like, he has to watch religious. Yeah. Just watch the whole thing. Yeah. And get angry and angry and angry at Bill Maher. And then and then he can finish his dinner. He just looks.

Even then, though, even then he is still translucent. So like, even if he managed to stay angry for the 12 hours, it would take for his food to fully digest and be expelled. Like you would see it turn to poopy. That's something I was worried about with Slim Goodbody. What if he had a recording right after lunch and the kids just had to like watch in horror as his Rubin and egg cream turned into poopy. There's a lot of there's Justin, you are opening up a pretty huge,

a pretty huge door here for horrific, horrific things that you could see Slim Goodbody doing through his skin. What if the kids knew Slim Goodbody had lung cancer before Slim Goodbody's doctor did? Slim? Slim? Mr. Goodbody, have you gotten checked? Mr. Goodbody, can you? I'm worried about.

I'm not sure that's just a cold, Mr. Goodbody. It looks like you've got a tape or Mr. Goodbody. Mr. Goodbody, your clothes seem to be fitting you really loosely, which is weird because your clothes are that you don't have skin. So I don't know how that's working, but you look a little haggard. What's sadder than a guy with no skin wearing a terry cloth robe? Hey, nothing. Hey bro, cool epididymis.

I can see it. I can see all of it, the coils. Is that Slim? Is that a balloon of cocaine? Wait, is Slim Goodbody a ghost? What? No, he's half ghost. He's sure as fuck not alive.

He's got skin ghost. You don't get to be vivisected and get to keep on being alive. That's not a thing that keeps. I think if that show were to take place in the real world, it would just be a series of Slim Goodbody screaming because he'd been flayed alive. Oh, it'd be a saw movie, sure. He's still doing the show well into his 60s,

but he, they keep having to redraw to make his prostate bigger. I said, no, larger than that. Trust me and get my hemorrhoids. Man, what a bummer this episode is. What a bummer Slim Goodbody is. Fucking candle nights is next week. I guess we are just lowering the base level of where everybody's at

so that we can bring them right back up with candle nights. This time of year, everyone's a little bit disappointed. Yeah, that's true. Just remember next week, we're not going to talk about prostates at all. My boyfriend recently purchased an iPad. We love the convenient technology of being able to look at internet memes whenever we like,

but lately he has been browsing on the pad until the wee hours of the night right next to me in bed. I missed the end of the day conversation and cuddle time we used to share. Is it rude to request him to limit his nighttime screen time? He seems to think so. That's from iPad replaced in Portland. This is such a sad thing in the modern age.

It's, but it's everything. It's everything and everywhere now. You know, there are nights, I got Teresa an iPod touch for her birthday. There are nights now. You know, we just sit there and I'm on my iPhone and she's on her iPad or iPod and we remember the times when we used to just like talk to each other,

enjoy each other's company. Those times are dead now. I, it's so, I do not think it is wrong of you to want boundaries. I think that laying that out and saying like, Hey, I would really prefer that this be a time where we could like talk to each other and bond. I don't think that that's inappropriate at all. I mean, I think that it's,

I think what is maybe making this hard for you is that you feel like you shouldn't have to ask, why does he not want to talk with you instead of get on the iPad? And here's the truth ladies and gentlemen, no one is as interesting as an iPad. I don't want that kind of pressure. That's true.

I don't, I don't want to have to compete with the app. Well, hold on. Cause I have, I have a multitude of apps, you know. Sure, you got some apps. I make coffee in the morning. That's an app. If there's a bug, then sometimes I can do something about it. That's kind of an app.

If you think about it. Yeah, that's true. I can, I can go to sleep in the middle of the day pretty much any time. So that, that there's an app. I mean, I'm not saying you don't have utility Griffin. I'm saying that if, if, if, if someone says to me, Hey, here's a wall of information and games and fun. And over here is someone who wants to tell you about their dogs.

I've got little hands so I can like get inside of wine glasses and clean them out. So there's, okay. So you're like, so you're like rap is too amazing. That's another app. That's what you got. That's a, that's it. Shit.

That's everything I can do. I know. This is what I'm saying. God damn it. That wouldn't fill up the home screen. Yeah, that's true. Nobody wants to come to everyone who's been in every movie ever, what year they came out and how much they grossed.

Sometimes I throw shit at birds. Well, that's just kind of a bat. That's just kind of a mean thing that you do. I slice fruit up. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's pretty good. I don't know if there's not an app for that.

How about an iPad? What you got? I can, I have a piano that doesn't work, but when I press the keys on it, I make fart noises with my mouth. So there's another app. I can basically make fart noises anytime, whatever you want.

On command, tone, length, frequency. There's an app. There's another one. You're just gonna make a fart noise with his mouth that can actually get you a free phone call if you put it into a payphone. That app is free. That's a free app.

That's a free app. You can just get that. That's no problem. I can't tell you all the recipes, but I know like six. I know spaghetti. There's an app. I can make muffins if I got the mix and milk.

So there's another app. Just count all the apps. That's what I'm saying. This is, this is, you have to, it's just like, it's just like Jonathan Winters said in rent. It's like, measure your life, measure your life in apps. And if you can't, you are competing with all the technology that your boyfriend now loves more than you.

So like, you've got a Jolene situation on your hands, only instead of a woman with flaming locks of Auburn hair, you are dealing with an iPad. You've been Jolene, madam. You got Jolene. You've been I Jolene. You've been I Jolene. Seriously, it's coming at us all on all sides.

And if you can't, if you can't download more apps to compete, then you're fucked. You're going to lose them. You, we all have to take little stands against this battle of, versus the robots and this battle to keep connected. Isn't like competing for attention normally because nobody can compete with it. We just have to use our superior human willpower

before they get willpower soon. Right. You just got to find your strengths. My GF will get deep into a game of chip chain, right? She'll get real deep into some cut the rope. And then you know what? I have to stand up there and maybe I do like a little dance. That's not something that the iPad can provide unless you get on YouTube

and you search for like a better dance than I do, which is, which is going to be hard to find. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be looking for a while. Let's just put it that way. Yeah.

Good luck with searching for the right terms. Tell him you got to be direct. Say, listen, I miss the time we suspend together. He'll respect that. He promised he will. And if he doesn't respect it, snap it over your knee. Oh, don't do that. Let's snap it over your knee and get your relationship back.

No, Justin, you got to put it in a position so he breaks it. Yeah. Okay. So on the floor, you looking at it late at night, you leave it on his chest so that when he wakes up, he drops it off the side of the bed. Why? What do you think they're made of?

Glass? Candy sugar? I mean, they are made out of a kind of glass. Yeah, they're made out of glass and metal. I just don't think it's going to break if you throw one off your chest in the middle of night. Listen, I've broken seven iPhones. Well, dad broke one of them for you. I have had indirectly broken.

Yes. You have been the owner of several broken i-products. It's easy. Again, you got to, I think you're playing on work Travis, but I think you got to get the iPad like halfway there. I think maybe you step on it a few times and then you put it on his chest. I stepped on this and apparently my size six pumps.

Why does it say kids backwards on my broken iPad? This podcast and the last podcast of are you by kids? An attractive friend of mine lives out of state. Why are you yelling? I don't know. But is coming to my college graduation in about a month. A few days ago, she texts me to say that she is drunk. She's up for having sex with me when she's here for my graduation.

Being that she was drunk when she sent these text messages, what should my expectations be when I see her? And is there a way I can tastefully bring up this topic again in the meantime to see if the offer still stands when she is sober? Missouri loves company. The answer is no. Well, absolutely not. You're actually asking the way wrong question.

In Vino Veritas, you know? No, no, no. Here's the thing. It doesn't matter because I would actually pause it. The probably what it was is she wasn't really that drunk, but she wanted to be drunker than she was to bring out the fact that she wanted to have sex with you when she came to visit your school. She's into it.

But the problem is she gave you too much forewarning. It's going to hang in the air for a fucking month now. You taste that? It's like some sexual discomfort in the room because it's not going to be casual and easy when she rolls up in town. It's not going to be like, oh, we had such a good time at dinner and things led like you're both can be sitting there like so in your heads, the whole fucking time.

And it's going to be the fucking time. Yeah. You're not going to you're not going to enjoy her visit at all because every time it's like, well, I guess we should head home. Yon, let's go. Can we fucking get breathalyzers put on all of our goddamn phones and not so that when you get drunk, you don't text people things that you regret because guess what?

That never actually happens in real life. But just so that you don't text people things that you want to tell them, but under any other circumstance, wouldn't be OK, except that you've had a few drinks now. And so it's really cool. Well, OK, I actually need to take embrace with your first point, Griffin. Two nights ago, I had had a bunch of wine and I got on Twitter and told people to vote for their favorite between rap music, Lady Gaga, pizza and ribbon candy. But let's let's let's get one.

Of course. Pizza one. Wait, pizza be all of rap. Yes. To be fair, the only vote I counted was my own. OK, that's a thing that you would normally say, though. That's a that's a I feel like that is a standard Justin Bonemont. If you had gotten on there and then said, like, drop some real racist shit

about like Pacific Islanders, then that would that would have been slightly out of character because Samoa. No, Moa. Thank you. Tongan Tongan. So the Filipino Filipino. That would have been bad, but that's not what you did. Well, what I'm the ish is the people who who have like three sips of a smear off ice

and then call up their best friend since childhood and talk about, you know, how much they want to jump on the tip. It drives me absolutely fucking bonkers. And I'm glad that I don't have to deal with it as much in like my 25 year old life as I did in my 21 year old life. I think that you should just let things happen naturally. She was drinking. You were out of a guy.

So that is your excuse there. You were there. I mean, is it possible she meant to send it to somebody yet? Like your name is Kylo and she meant to send it to Kyle. Is that possible? Maybe she pressed the wrong button. Did I send this to Kylo or Kyle? Oh fuck.

Did I send this to Steven or Sreven? Happy graduation, Sreven. I'm so proud of you. Just be a cool cat there. Okay. I can confirm one thing definitively. There is absolutely no way for you to text her and say, so remember earlier when sex we're still we're still we were still penciled in for sex.

Is that going to happen? Hey, just kidding. I need time to get my wiener ready. So let me know if this is still in the cards. What's that? I don't want to do the thing that I do by myself. If I'm going to do that with someone else that day or soon. So put so write me back please.

Sincerely, Sreven. I would say that the best best course of action is you just assume that you're not going to have sex and it's never going to come up again. And that that was just a mistake and ignore it. So then when it happens, it's awesome and spontaneous and great. But if it doesn't happen, you're not sitting there a whole time like so. Should I like put my arm around her shoulder or like try to kiss her? Yeah, don't put that.

Don't put that on yourself. Yeah. God, really this fucking sucks. Please nobody ever nobody ever goddamn do this. It's so hard. It's so hard walking the social and sexual mine field. That is your 20s. Can we not complicate things by like sending people cryptic messages that may or may not?

If they can, if they can, you know, figure out the wind talking that you just dropped on them, maybe they'll get fucked. Like, can we please not do that? Why wouldn't you just why wouldn't you just wait to go visit Sreven and then just have sex with him? Yeah, here's why nobody ruin the end of the book. Why are you giving him a trailer? Yeah, spoiler alert Sreven. I'm gonna fuck you.

I can't adults just have sex like the normal thing and not make a fucking marketing campaign for it. Hashtag fucking Sreven tonight. Retweet. Get this up in your social. We're going to hit all of our key beats and you are really the Facebook group for me and Sreven fucking. Gotta get this narrative really moving forward. Hashtag. Gotta make a magnet come loud.

And we're going to we're exploiting gorilla marketing, which don't ask. It is highly dangerous. You get fucking gorilla. That's what I meant. Money's over. If you'd like to fucking gorilla, you gotta be safe. And the only way to do that is to go to extremestreams.com and get one of their many, many, many, many, many, many gorilla tranquilizers

that will let you make love to all sorts of exotic animals. They don't have to be a gorilla, you know, maybe a decorative color so that it will match your outfit. Yeah, maybe you want to get a Prince Albert chastity device for $89.95. And then you want to fuck a giraffe with it. Well, that's fine. You can just give the draft some. Okay, I do want to say I'm sorry the tranquilizers are not actually on there, but the metal ring that goes around your penis is.

I don't think you're allowed to fuck like zoo animals at the zoo. I think if you go to the zoo, they don't let you just go hog wild. Listen, listen, they don't advertise that, Griffin. It's not an average. You know, there's a secret club in Disneyland that's only for. It was like club 11 or something. Club 30, 30. Trade pins, right?

You trade pins, but at the zoo, you trade cock rings with. Well, at extremistrains.com, you trade money for something to fuck. And they've got everything you could want. If you want to put a dick on a lady, they can do that for you for a fair reasonable price. Justin, this is a season to be sharing. That's true. This is a time to buy something for your lover. Maybe something to please your lover.

Can you get a second dick for you like you can have two dicks on it? Here's what I'm going to tell you. I'm looking at it right now and the the the answer is yes. All right. The Fetish fantasy hollow strap on. You can have sex. Do the thing that you do at the inn for guys. And then and then put the put this on and you're ready for a dick.

You get a dick for your day. It's a dick. It's a prosthetic dick to replace the dick that doesn't work no more because it felt too good. We heard you like dicks. So we got you a dick for your dick so you can dig while you're digging. I don't think you put it. Yes. No, correction.

It is hollow. It is designed to put your dick in to give it a little relaxation. How fucking deep does that matryoshka doll go? Can you keep putting dicks on the dicks on the dicks on the dicks forever? Oh God, it's basically like the mighty morphine power rangers of dicks. Like it's morphine time and your bad broken dick that felt too good. So it died is replaced by a synthetic. I don't understand your blue ranger of dicks and then it becomes like the green ranger of dicks.

So you can get that for $31.99, except with the Middleist coupon code. You're going to save 20% on that and anything you buy at extremistraints.com. So get over there, buy something for your lover and maybe they don't. Maybe your lover doesn't want to get fucked with a fake dick. Maybe they want to have someone read a book to them. That's cool. We got something for them too. The internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 100,000 downloadable titles

across all types of literature, including fiction, nonfiction, and periodicals. For a free audiobook of your choice, go to audiblepodcast.com slash mybrother. Guys, we have a very special message from Marco from Galia who says, hey Marco, I hope your birthday is a good one and that you'll dress sharp for your fancy schmancy birthday dinner, maybe in your new gray suit. And don't forget to shave your head smooth. Your friends love you from Galia and company. Maybe you should just let him do his own stuff.

He wanted to wear his new blue suit. Yeah. Let Marco do Marco. Let Marco, maybe he wants his head to get kind of shaggy and rotten. And he wants to shave like his basketball number in the back. Yeah. And some whitening bolts. We got a message for Hudson.

Curie? Curie? Curie. Let's go with Curie, Curie. Uh, this message is from Cody and he says, welcome to the world, Hudson. Your new super friend, Cody, is happy to meet you. By the way, congrats to Chris and Christina. So this is a baby. No, you assume it's a baby.

It could be an alien. No. Okay, it might be a morgue situation. Welcome to the world. Welcome to the world, crabion. Guys, this is a little baby. You don't know that. It could also be an alien baby.

It could be the best of both worlds, literally. Oh, that was a funny joke, Travis. I'm glad you said it out loud. Who's the message for? The Chowboys. Yeah. And it's from Ian. Yeah, Chowboys.

And Ian says, wishing you a very merry Krimbus and a fiscally responsible candlelight. I hope that you all find rats in your presence. Mary Dilphus. Chowboys. How many holidays is this group of super friends celebrating? The super friends, Chowboys, I think they're celebrating everything and also have in-jokes for every holiday that are narrow casting,

I think, is how you would describe those gags. Because it's easy to read Dilphus and think, oh, it's like the opposite of Milf. It's a Dilphus, a dad. But really, it's all about Dilphur. Oh, god. The worst holiday. Thanks, Chowboys.

If you'd like to get your message on our show, go to maximumfun.org forward slash jumbo tron and you're going to be able to do just that. This Yahoo! Answer was sent in by Ira Ray. Is this the first time I've ever just like fucking done it and not even asked you guys if you just, I don't even. You're finally getting it in $20. I don't fucking give a shit.

With just $21 doing it days left. Everyone's gotten it done, right? Everyone's done it. This is important. Clock, she's ticking. Just ask her, dummy. Just yeah. This Yahoo! Was sent in by Ira Ray.

Thank you, Ira. It's by Yahoo! Answer's user. Oh, god. Now, is this Ira Ray? Huh? Is this Ira Ray? Ira Ray. Okay, go on.

Who did you think it was? Uh, Jimmy Ray. Oh, god. I'm sorry I couldn't alley-oop that for you. Thanks. We'll try again. Okay, this guy. Is that Ira Ray?

Who wants to know? Is it Sling Blade? That's not the lyric. Please, shut up. Please, shut up. Please, please. Please, shut up. Yahoo! Answer's user.

Alcoholism is my new hobby, asks. Okay. Does anyone else's spouse do karate in the shower? I poked my head in the shower, and my husband froze immediately in this strange pose. I asked him what he was doing, and he looks at me, and he says karate. Like it's the most normal thing in the world

to do karate in the shower. Anyone else's spouse do weird things in the shower? Of all the things you can catch your spouse doing, I wouldn't put karate at the top of the weird list. By the way, if he's standing in the shower, popping himself up with one hand, and jerking his soapy wiener off, that's not karate, guys.

He did not learn that. Move from chalyon fat. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. He might have learned it from David Carradine. Nope. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, golly. Oh, good golly. How, first of all, extremely dangerous. Super duper dangerous. Super the most dangerous. Unless you have those fish on the bathtub floor. Oh, yeah. In your safe.

Excuse me, Home Depot clerk? Yes. I was looking at the plastic bathtub fish. Are these karate rated? Are these rated for karate in the bathtub? When I do a flying sweeping crane kick, how are these going to treat my feet? Because I need to simulate.

I've been hurt before. I need to simulate the natural battlefield flooring, you know? But if you can learn to karate in the shower, though, you can karate anyway. Yeah. Yeah. It's like how Yonah made Luke's hour karate run with a Yodan his back,

so they could jump super high. Wait, what? In the Star Wars. I don't think my spouse or my betrothed does karate in the shower. I don't think anybody does weird things in the shower that I know. My shower is too small to do awesome things in. I need a bigger shower.

When you guys visit someone who lives in a big house and they have a big shower with two heads and maybe there's a chair in there, do you just assume that they're fucking freaks? Do you just assume? Maybe that's just me, but if I see somebody who has gone through all the effort to put a big shower in their house,

I just assume that they needed a big shower in which to express themselves sexually on each other in a wet place. Yeah. Or a kill room. Well, if you're rich, there's a point of richness where the only thrill is taking human life. To feel someone's life run out in your hands.

If you can feel their life run out in your hands and onto the polished marble of your giant bathtub, then you have truly lived. And I would also like to take a moment to thank Extreme Restraints for sponsoring the show and allowing us to reach that level of richness. When you guys go to someone else's shower at their home and your guest in their home,

and you probably brought your own accoutrement, your own shampoo, or maybe you didn't. I never do that. Do you use that as an opportunity to just try it? Just sample, see what's out there. Yes, of course. Couple of different kinds of shampoo. There's always like weird scrubs.

I do this in my own bathroom. I don't know what some of these scrubs are, but I'll try it out. Ooh, is that coconut husks? I also do the same with your medication. Yeah. Sure. That looks tasty.

I'll eat that. Gobble, gobble back. Sometimes I'll just like, I'll kill them. And then just like, I'll just assume their life. You know? Sure, sure, sure, sure. I'll just like take charge. Because really, when you smell like someone,

you're basically walking a mile in their shoes, in their smell shoes. I really do never bring my shampoo anywhere. And like, I'll get indignant about it if I stay at somebody's house, and they like don't have conditioner. Like, oh, thanks guys. I'm just, you know what?

I'm just going to go, I saw a puddle out on the street. I'll just splash around in that for a while. Are you fucking kidding me? What a nightmare. Oh, you have hand soap in the shower, and you use that for, I didn't know that you were a giant hand, sir. I didn't know that your body was made up entirely of hands.

So that's cool. I guess that's what you think of me. Why don't you just spit on me over and over again until I'm wet enough and clean enough. You've already metaphorically spit on me, by not offering me the finest shampoos and conditioners. Or just any shampoo and conditioner. I think it's just because I get so excited

when I put on a new shampoo, you know? Sure. What's it, maybe this will be the one, you know? I am in dire need of your assistance this holiday. Read family-centric season. My boyfriend and I have been friends for six years, together for three, and have lived in sin for the last 1.5. I don't see his family very often,

but when I do, things seem a bit strained. Thing is, I'm not sure if his parents don't like me, or if they're just stoic. How can I suss this out without stepping up to one of them over the punch bowl and saying, hey, we cool? That's outcast from Indiana. Are we good? They probably like you enough.

How do you know that, though? I don't. It really depends on if you have... You gotta adopt the speak when spoken to sort of deference to their family until you can figure out how to worm your way in there. And sometimes it takes longer than other times. But I think it...

I've always been under the opinion that if the person you're dating is cool, then they probably have some level of coolness in their family that you can tap into, you know? I think everybody's family just wants their child to be happy. Right, so if you make him happy, then I don't think they'll have a problem with you. It could just be, and this is, I have seen this many times,

they could just be kind of uptight, stressed out family, you know? You could be feeling a lot of family dynamics. And I also feel that there may be people out there going now, well, not everybody just wants their person to be happy. Some people's families are awful, possible, but if that's the case, then what does it matter whether they like you or not? It's win-win.

Either the family is cool because a cool person came from it, or a cool person came from it in defiance of how uncool it is, in which case you don't lose anything by them not liking you. Now, have you ever heard people talk about like getting really stressed at the holidays, or like this kind of thing stressing them out, like and spending time with the in-laws, and that's stressing them? That is, I mean...

That's a human experience! That's what you're experiencing right now. Like it's not an uncommon thing. It's like we are comfortable with the people we live with because we've decided that that's a situation we can handle. But when you start inviting people you don't live with in your home, nobody really wants that. Yeah, and I think there's always a level of this like, you know,

you go stay in anyone's home, even if it's like your best friend, and you always have to put on a little bit of a layer of like, well, I'm going to be more polite and more conscientious, more, you know, more clean than I am in my own home. Like you don't get to just be yourself. Add to that the layer of it being your significant other's family, that you don't see that often, that you don't know that well.

They're doing the same thing back. Like there's just a lot of pressure on both sides to be like, hey, be on your best behavior, be interesting, be fun. Lean into it is advice that's always really, really good. And just like maybe this Christmas, maybe you drop a few daddies in there, maybe a few mommies and a few daddies. Start laying that seed.

Unky, bro bro, sissy, sissy sissy. Hey sis, you wanna go to the mall? Sissy. And you give them all that. And then, you know, you jump to the other end of the spectrum. And then maybe next year you can find a happy medium. Maybe you can say, I'm still not sure of your ability to make our son happy and keep him safe.

But for Christ's sake, at least you're not weeding us out anymore. At least you're not like that girl he was dating last year. Oh, that was you? Oh, shit. Recently, two of my closest friends got in a fight that permanently ended their friendship. While I have successfully stayed out of the conflict and managed to maintain my relationship with both of them,

it's still affecting me. Since they can no longer be in the same room. I want to have a Christmas party, but I can't figure out how to deal with inviting them. How do I get out of the situation with my friendships intact? That's from Baffled Emperor. Yay! Guys, we have like a sacred order of the water buffalo thing going on.

I think it's time for a farce. It's- Oh, shoot. Nobody ever gets in these situations and you need to be so thankful because now you have this perfect setup for a holiday farce. Okay, so you're going to have two parties. Mm-hmm. Wait.

It's a fucking, it's a Santa Claus party. Everybody come dressed up like Santa Claus. Nobody knows who's in the room. Maybe- Okay, I love it. Maybe, maybe eventually it turns into like an eyes wide shut. Let's not think about that. Well, I'm just saying, I'm just saying this is a,

this is a dual scenario, you guys. Secret order of the water buffalo and you have an eyes wide shut because maybe people have fun and they can't tell that they hate each other because they're exes, but then maybe things get weird, maybe some dicks come out. But then you have your friend Barn, right? And Barn is there. Barn is there.

He's going to help usher one of the bad friends around. Correct. But then Barn, you only know his name is Barn. You've never met him. No. He's just a friend of a friend of a friend. He's going to be named Barn. Be Barn, and he shows up and it turns out that Barn is not the Barn you thought he was,

so Barn doesn't know his ass from his elbow. Okay. Can we also say that on the invitation to this Santa Claus secret orgy that everybody has to be called Barn? For the- Oh yeah, and everybody's called Barn there. Sure. That, I love it.

And then one person comes dressed as a Barn because they got confused by the invitation, but he's just there for like the whims that call in the back to one moment. Oh yeah. And there's, there's a big plate of shrimp and someone's allergic except everyone's just like Santa, so you don't know who and that person eats the shrimp. I love it.

Because they also don't know who they are. They don't know where they are. They get so enveloped in the Barn lifestyle that they forget their home. Am I the one that's allergic to shrimp? Are you the one? I don't know. We're both dressed as Santa Claus. No, okay.

I got it. One of your friends is allergic to imitation crab, but you lied to everyone and tell them it's real crab because you don't want to know that your husband just got laid off from his job. Okay. At the end, he's going to get a new job. Okay. From the guy dressed as a Barn.

Yeah. Um, oh man. You know what's great is that because this question is from Brooklyn, this is going to be like the seventh weirdest party that all of these people have gone to. Yeah, we just got out of a very Skrillex Christmas where everybody shaved their head like Skrillex. We were just going to have a party at an abandoned axe factory and instead of egg malt, they just had eggs.

It was awesome. I was, it was a pretty good party. They had Christmas lights and Tony Bennett was there. We lumberjacked for like 12 hours. We were just lumberjacking. Do you have a futon I can just crash on for a bit? I'm exhausted. To answer your question, what you have to do is you have to invite both of your friends

and then tell them both that the other one is also invited and then neither one of them will come and you won't have to deal with it. Make it their problem. This is your problem. Tell them that they're both invited and then they should probably patch things up before the party because you're not going to have baby Jesuses. Susan, I invited Amanda and Amanda, I invited Susan. If you guys show up to my party and start shit, I swear to God, I will kick you out.

So that's going to do it for us. Thank you guys so much for listening to our program. Next week will be our holiday special Candle Nights and we hope you'll join us again for that because it'll be a family friendly program, something you can listen to with Unky Dan. We're still looking for questions. Do we have Extreme Restraints on the calendar to be a sponsor? Yes.

Oh my God, that's going to be amazing. We got a PG Extreme Restraints. We'll figure it out. Oh my God, tune in. It's going to be the best. And thank you for people tweeting about the show on Twitter. Abald Wookiee, Jeremy Franklin, Swethers UK, Agent Eli. Iron Slayer 13, Pobro.

MC Gettin' Geeky Lindsay, SMB Records. Ben Carrignan, Insane Berry. You want to sleep? And then Justin faded away. We'd also like to say thank you to all of our sponsors and especially to audible.com. And now I would like to do my impression of the girl that read our Audible commercial. Okay, let's hear it. Support for my brother, my brother and me comes from audible.com.

Provider of digital audio books and more. With more than 100,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature, including fiction, nonfiction and periodicals. Audible suggested my brother, my brother and me listeners might enjoy The Bedwetter by Sarah Silverman or Not Taco Bell Material by Adam Carolla. For a free audiobook of your choice and a free 30 day trial membership, go to audiblepodcast.com slash my brother.

Oh, Travis, that was fantastic. And that is a dynamite impression. I've been working on it for four weeks. I want to thank John Roderick and The Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. You can actually get John Roderick and Jonathan Colton's Christmas album when Christmas at a time.

Now available in all the stores. Actually, I don't know what stores it's available in, but it's a good listen. It'll fill you with so much cheer. So go look into that. If you want one Christmas at a time, just Google it. Yeah, just Google it. And I bet it'll just turn up.

You know where it is? You know where I can say officially it is? It is on Amazon. Yeah, OK. So you can get it. Also in all books, a million. Borders. And then a couple of pet smarts.

Walton books. These are all things. These are still exit retailers that you could go to. And hey, everybody, thank you for the warm wishes on my life change. My life decision. Yeah, it was really nice. We got so much cool stuff in the mail, by the way.

We got some magic cards. We got the Wisconsin Hustle. It's a card game. A guy dressed up as a pilgrim. Burgess, a fine note. Got a postcard from Des Moines from Rachel. Postcard from Cash Draft in California. That's lovely.

So much cool stuff. Benjamin sends a very nice note. And I just really appreciate everybody, because it really means a lot to get those little notes. We're at a 54, P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia. 25706, Edward Rogers sends another two. So if you want to mail us something of value, I would appreciate it. Yeah, not just like notes.

Not just like garbage. He sends us like a nice piece of rubies. But like art that you made about us. I really like that. This final Yahoo is sent in by Rene Laebern. Thank you, Rene. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Yahoo Answers user, Tepsy, who asks,

What are the vegetables at Subway? List all of them. Don't just guess, please. I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Hank the Spank Tank flanker, flanker. Planker Jack. This is with the Pleasure Garden, Kizzerbad, square out of the way.

Not for sex, people. I'm at sex time. Hey, folks, this is Kevin Allison of The State and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. Risk is the latest addition to the roster of podcasts at maximum fun and it is jam-packed with unforgettable stuff. Your favorite writers, comedians, even fans like you,

share X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising risk can be. Both radio-style stories and stories told at our live shows, you've heard people say, oh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at risk, we say, screw that. Anything goes.

So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend. Look us up at maximumfun.org or risk-show.com or, of course, just go to podcasts at the iTunes store and search for risk. Risk!