My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 133: Candlenights the IIIrd

Episode Date: December 17, 2012

As with past installments in our annual Candlenights spectacular, we've managed to talk to one another for an entire hour without cursing, so it's good to share with the fam. Well, we actually cursed a lot. But we edited that out. Suggested talking points: Holiday MagiQuest, A Collander of DVDs, The Buckiverse, Frosty the Homunculus I Made Out of Wet Sand, Book in a Sock, Two Turntables, Tim Curry's Pokemon Treats

Hey folks, Griffin here. It's that time of year again, that special, special time of year, where you can gather the whole family around the Jam Box and you can play this most, most precious Candle Nights episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. We promise we're gonna keep it clean, cleaner even than years before when we didn't actually keep it all that clean. But this time, we mean it, you know we're good for it. So listen, ahead with virgin ears, that was, that was gross, but that was the last gross thing that we're gonna say on the show on the whole episode, I guarantee it. Come, come around papa, memem, daddy, there's two dads, there's two dads and one mom in this family. It's a great, it's a great and crazy family. Come

around everyone, gather around for My Brother, My Brother, and Me's third annual Candle Nights show, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it is a great, it's a great, it's, it's, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's a great, it's It's probably a lot of people's birthday. It's probably a lot of people's birthday. It's mainly Jesus's birthday here My brother my brother me canonized rectangular. What a bummer it must have been When you know the years are counting down to you piecing like his 33rd birthday His 32nd birthday was at one like he had to know something was up now Justin

You and I both know that that is not the way that the Roman calendar works. Sure it is. It's how it's what what is it? Why is it one? Why is it two? What do you guys think is gonna happen in two years? I Do want to also note that I Did transplant this joke from an episode of dinosaurs I thought it sounded familiar and also hilarious Well, that's from dinosaurs so

Imagine we have to start do we have to start annotating every time we steal a joke from dinosaurs because this shows gonna become like one-third longer This is our Christmas holiday Funtacular, otherwise known as candle nights is when we is a non-nominational non-traditional holiday celebration Where the only real rule is just be yourself? No rules just right rules just right and also a holiday outback and also no cursing There's no cursing. That's I guess the only rule So one rule just right the annual did you guys know we don't do a Christmas tree? We just do an awesome blossom and then we decorate that awesome blossom

We watch over the span of a month as it rocks on the ground exactly boy The dogs are like candle nights at our house when the stink is so bad that you can't be in the same house as the candle nights Awesome blossom then you throw it away, and then you have a big party to celebrate that your house doesn't smell like rotten stinky onions anymore Now this of course is an advice show. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby Jesus brother Griffin McElroy guys. I have almost sworn Like three times already. Yeah, it's a pretty tough It's like hanging over at Nani's house and not dropping them You know it's like one of those like psychological things where it's the don't push the red button thing like as soon as we announce

We can't curse and then you press the red button and then a random person on earth dies and then you get a million dollars Exactly don't scratch that place there I think that the thing that is important to know first off is your first time listening to us welcome We're so happy that a family member has turned you on To our show Do you want to do you want to re-emphasize that while we will not be using curse words in the traditional sense? We will be exploring ideas that are extremely upsetting Adults and children alike, but no cursing, but you know

There was a linguistic shorthand to express some of the complicated Psycho-sexual ideas we will be delving into we have effectively lowered the letter grade of our of our podcast's rating Down exactly one step. I would like to take this time to apologize for all the screaming that you'll probably hearing on my end I live on a Street in Austin known for its Christmas light displays and the kids are out in full force and for some reason Their gut reaction to seeing a bunch of Christmas lights is to scream as if someone was beating them with a pipe I don't I haven't looked outside. I don't think there's anybody like an excited scream or like a horrified like how could they scream It's it's a guttural

It's just it's just like almost like they're having a contest to see who can scream as if there's their screams Illuminate the lights even brighter as if their screams provide the lights with the precious wattage that they need These are parents. These are families like driving through the street, right? And well now mostly walking we had carolers honest. I had carolers last week. I didn't know how to handle it I just still in the porch. I almost I almost asked you why parents would roll down their windows to share their screams But then I imagine the alternate personality who's like Box those screams, you know actually so yesterday when Justin and I did some magic Everybody I'm gonna need I'm just gonna need a quick pause to explain

We did some magic together Yeah, oh you need more than that like special holiday magic. Did you make wishes come true for we did make it snow inside with? The love in our hearts, and we also went to great wolf lodge and did magic quest Oh, man, you need to drag it. We did it with a little kid. Wait, we did it with a little kid present Wait, we did we took a little kid with us. Wait, wait, I gave a cape to a little kid I uh, this is true. I bought a cape and it was eight dollars It said magic quest on it. I was wearing it up to the side like a baron or Shazam I

Got too itchy for my neck, and I I there was this little kid who was helping in Ryan who was helping Travis to Defeat and by little kid like four years old like four years old helping me And I was watching all this happen, and I said Here Ryan, I think you deserve this Kate more than I do and and then I handed it to him And later we were in the back of the room or tell this story to my father-in-law, and he said That his mom was there right and I realized that only did then I realized that giving a magical cape to a five-year-old Is probably the creepiest thing I've ever done. Yeah Well, so the point of my story here is I watched so many parents carry their children away towards their rooms

Screaming like you know and the parents just continuing on with their conversation with each other as though the child wasn't screaming And I imagine that it's got to be like when you decide you're gonna show your kid something awesome or take them somewhere cool You have to know that at the end of the day, they're gonna end up screaming. Yeah, guess what you're not a wizard anymore I'm sorry. Yeah, let's go you're gonna go back to being a second grader. Oh, you don't like that trade-off I imagine so I imagine you have to like build up. You're a wizard, but now you're not anymore because it's Tuesday It's bedtime Harry Now it's time to go to grandma Jones Harry So listen, you know what this is still an advice show

we should we should get out there and And the eyes and help some people let's get our hands dirty with you will Yeah, my family is a rather boring one in terms of gift-giving over the past five years We've mostly exchanged looks DVD Sorry, I got you this look Okay, we mostly change books DVDs and music my parents own electronic readers and owning physical media is for old maids now I feel entirely unfulfilled giving out iTunes codes or whatever nonsense lets me gift digital goods

Should I just settle for disappointing codes as gifts stick with increasingly obsolete formats of gifts or take an entirely different approach? That's from Luddite in Lambertville First of all, I don't I don't think giving DVDs books and stuff is and music is boring Because if you were to cut out those three things It does not leave a lot of like other pop culture media Well, no, but you can reach outside of the of the pop culture realm outside of that zone Maybe you can get me a colander. That's none of those things Yeah, but you can't like do you can't do a year of all the colanders. That's true. I

Guess I can't do that. I can't see got you there I was saying like you wouldn't you wouldn't want to like when you're taking away your haul at the end of the day Just have a like a box full of kitchen goods. I mean you have a point, but in my defense It's it's kind of hard to to like string pasta or Cook broccoli Through your through your Pixar brave DVD, you know, if you only have the one you have to knit them together into a DVD That's gonna be I'm gonna tell you right now. Try that. That's gonna be a pretty bad colander. I'm just saying Unless you are cooking. I do appreciate that the the handwoven DVD colander. You got me last year, but it is not effective

Shards what's that fat pasta looks like Cinnabon's tortellini? That's the only pasta you can do in there and that's pretty much. That's pretty much. It's only use Did you say Torbaloni? I said Torbalon. I said to Timberlake I agree that it's not a great I think as part of a gift package Like it's part of a suite of gifts. You're getting someone a code is probably very good Yeah, the trick to good gift giving is to mix it up like that, right? Like get me an iTunes code because I spend roughly $450 on iTunes every week and you know the more you can cut down that number for me the more I appreciate it

Then get me something from the heart, you know something that you made with your hands Then maybe give me something awful to like temper my expectations for the fourth gift, which is another iTunes card You want to cycle through it's the ups and downs good Christmas gift giving is really all about muscle confusion It's really all about Gift I'm doing gift insanity Zicking really hard right and then giving me an iTunes. You're basically suggesting giving gifts like a sea-nile great aunt Basically, you know, what about a handmade iTunes gift card? It's a post-it note and you wrote 16 random characters on it and you

Made it Etsy or you just get like a bag with cut-up letters and numbers in it And then you have them pick their own 16 digits out You make your own code and lucky a lady yeah I'm gonna do it the kids you exchange it and it is actually for lucky a lady But it's actually that awful version of that guy from the Eagles did that's like it's kind of like a kind of like a reggae Jam, I don't know. I I don't know what to do with a code is because I don't do a lot of purchasing online Is that like you get a code for a specific album or for a specific like it's basically a box Was it like a gift card?

It's so it's so hard to tell I don't I don't know how to do it Well, this person has a point like everything is going digital, but I don't want to give I don't want to give somebody like I Don't want to give somebody like a slip of paper and say this can be a gift This is a gift voucher, you know, because then you're basically your doorway to a gift. Yeah Isn't doesn't Christmas exist so that you like I will download the music for myself on iTunes But Christmas exists so you can hand me a CD like right? I don't think it's about the most convenient thing anymore It's about well, let's be honest Christmas is about the merch, right? It's about the goods. Well, no, but let nobody wait What nobody wants to walk away from candle lights?

Just with a with a with nothing to play with right that's a thing if so if a Nerf gun fight breaks out You can't fire an iTunes gift. Well, you can you can you can it's it's incredibly dangerous and expensive cuz You're talking about like ten apps you're throwing you're weaponizing ten apps and you're throwing in and it's very sharp I don't have a good answer So I guess the answer is you get a book and then inside of it you write the code for the thing They want actually you can get the code and they'll use the code to get a gift and cool, but like please don't Please don't fool yourself into thinking that you're getting a very thoughtful gift like don't it's not But if like your family is is very utilitarian

They may appreciate that they're not gonna buy what they're not gonna take your ten dollar iTunes gift card and then go buy the greatest hits collection of Billy Ocean and then every time they listen to that Billy Ocean in p3 be like Oh, man. Thanks Chuck. Oh, man. You remember when Chuck hooked me up with this Billy Osh The worst part about gift cards is you can't impose your taste on other people right unless you write Use this to buy Billy Ocean on the I swear if I find out you didn't buy Billy Ocean's greatest hits Volumes one through ten, then I am done with you. Hey, Bryce. Do you mind if I get on your computer real quick and check my email? Scan scan scan can't help a notice See this. I noticed you got some new some new biscuit on here, but I don't see that Billy Osh

Maybe they're maybe you got Billy Ocean the cloud. Did you put ocean the cloud maybe toss ocean the cloud me check? Nothing in the old drop box. I am confused Bryce. I Left explicit instructions Did you burn it? Did you burn Osh to a disc? Oh, you have like maybe an Osh like portable hard drive Do you have your ocean on it on a jazz drive? Can I freeze you jazz drives? So we don't know next question next question. Sorry, here's a bit. Here's a gift card. Thank you move along Thanks for playing. What would you do next question?

Here's our next guest, so don't just sit there My wife and I have alternated spending the holidays with my family one year and hers the next My name involves a rather pricey flight out east while hers is a 5.5 sorry five and a half hour drive away We figure what the age was time to start our own traditions and want to start spending Christmas at home this What is wrong with me? I'm having a stroke. Here we go I want to start spending Christmas at home This isn't going to be much of an issue with my family since the cost involved with the flights of Christmas is an easy excuse

However, my wife family already doesn't think we visit enough despite the five and a half hour drive being relatively long for me as the only driver and As soon as we start skipping the trip out east they will Surely start asking why we aren't visiting them instead. I Thought you might know how we could break the cycle without causing too much family drama Can somebody explain to me signed seeking silent nights? And somebody explain me what this question is asking because it was just a bunch of in my head All I heard was above a bunch of directions. It's an algebra problem I was saying two families leave the station

Traveling in opposite directions at each other. How much do they love each other? Um, basically these this person wants to stop traveling at Christmas, and I guess the best I have for him is yeah Yeah, dude, sorry so next but he see every movie that like Came out in the 80s and 90s about being with your family at Christmas like that's what it's all about Let me reference sorry our friend Jonathan Taylor Thomas's performance in I'll be home for Christmas. Okay It was awesome. It was good We can't we can't move on I need a quote I Can't quote it I can just tell you how I felt when I saw I need any evidence that you know what it's about at all

It's about his dad wanting him to come home for Christmas and him saying he doesn't want to and so his dad offers to give him a car If he's able to be home in time for Christmas just Jessica Beals in the mix right his GF Once she wants him home real bad except that some some some thugs take him Don't want him home with this GF don't want him to get that car They super glue a santa suit to him throw him in the desert all of a sudden he's got to find his way home But he doesn't have a card. He doesn't have any money doesn't have any documentation How's JTT gonna crack this nut? I'll tell you I was gonna crack this night with his charms in his wiles well, here's the thing okay, so real talk of

Course of course when you say to your family either side Hey, we don't want to come home for the holidays their reaction is not going to be like cool, dude Drop us a line when it like there's no way to do this side I mean, they're gonna be upset if you're asking how to do this without making them upset the answer is you can't you can't do that unless unless You have a kid There it is That's the answer you're looking for that's your only get out of jail free card because then you can say I

Don't really I don't think he's ready to travel that far. I don't we're pretty exhausted We're just gonna spend it home at a family and you get away with that for two years and pretty soon You're building your own Christmas traditions with your kid at your house now. They're gonna come visit you this step is vital You have got to instill in this child a Holy fear of planes and cars You need to ruin this kid Trans transportationally speaking You know how Dakota is about traveling

You know if we get Dakota near a plane or a seadoo or any sort of a razor scooter if this kid walks too fast If I was told him that Eagles could pick you up and carry you away and he won't get near birds period Mm-hmm. He won't even wash the movie planes trains and automobiles I love them and you know, that's my favorite movie I'm I can't have it in the house now if he sees the box on the shelf. He freaks out I was gonna share that with my son And now I have to keep it locked in a box in a basement. I made a new label for it. It's called Uncle Buck, too All John candy movies are in the buck of verse no bullcrap though the the

The dude in home is the same guy in planes trains and automobiles, right? I mean, he doesn't they don't explicitly say it but ironically enough the Entire movie of home alone was conceived Because of the scene in Uncle Buck when Macaulay Culkin is talking to the guy through the mail slot So that was like the that was the genesis of of home alone So you can make the argument that that is in the buck of verse and maybe there was that alternate ending to Uncle Buck Where he they're like, what are you gonna do now Uncle Buck? He's like, I don't know I've been thinking about training for the Olympics fast forward

Fast forward and fast sledding to make a story to go sleds But then they changed the title of that in theaters to air buddy to air buds sled, but snow snow buddies snow buddies No, but snow business. Just joking. Just just josh around the ice with my friends who are dogs The whole title of the movie. So have a kid griffin yoni ah, who's have a kid on us You know, I'm reading these and I don't think they're gonna be good for our For the tone of this show. Yeah, but this one. This one is sent by Steve Lewis. Thank you Steve Lewis It's by yahoo answers your question mark who asks What would happen if you were to drink the water that was from where frosty snowman melted? Oh

No Don't don't dodge the question you two Justin are you still close to Travis No, can you take that can you take that fool back to magic quest? I'm too far to comfort Travis has a point though with his Travis's tears have a great point Which is that frosty is kind of like the most messed up of all right holiday thing because like no Imagine if like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had like had like Really bad ms. Just like just like ready to go. You know what I mean?

Like six to eight weeks that is what we're working with with frost even more troubling is the fact that frosty References it in his song now before I melt away like who knows his impending death His yeah, his heat related death is on the way. Yeah, and he brings it up to some kids He brings it up instead of doing some instead of like moving to Bismarck like do something about it Or visiting his friend Bismarck key. Mm-hmm. This is why you put me in your cooler Frosty you still got that set up freezing my man Frosty snowman is a great way to teach your kids about death while still kind of dodging the question in time Because he does if he does die

You're just kind of counting on that your kids won't remember the next time it snows. Yeah, like ah crap. Okay All right, I don't have this combo It also does just a question about where babies come from because you can just say that you just put like a magic hat on a lump of flesh Big sack of flesh and organs and you put a magic hat on it and then it comes to life And then well, isn't that wasn't there a Nickelodeon show about that with the mannequin and the magic hat? I see that's where babies come from today special. That's how babies are born from mannequins. I also wonder if wind frosty melts Does he reconstitute?

Is it like if you froze him and then like I that is worrisome to me is if I drank Right frosty frosty Leavings and then he attempted to reconstitute in my body if he would just burst out like an alien Or do you gain his his holiday power or does he do you become frosty at that point and like The snowman forms around your body consumes you. Okay. Hey, bright. You kind of sound like he's selling burlives What's going on in there?

Dude, wait, do you carry his spirit? Because then I would think there should be an alternate ending to the hit film jack frost When his kid is just on hands and knees lapping up his dad I gotta get all of him. He's gotta I gotta carry with me. What are you doing, philip? I'm drinking my dad drinking my dad He's really bad at driving I got to save you michael keaton get inside me Come with me michael keaton come with me if you want to live was was jack frost the movie The michael keaton did and then just said I can't do movies

Let's be honest with myself. I can't be in movies for a while My career is going to take a nap for a bit Jack frost exerted myself. What has he done since then? I'm worried about him He's still around right? I mean, are you asking is he alive? Yes, okay. He's done some some one-offs, you know, he's been in some things He was in a show called the company which is tv miniseries He was on that episode 30 rock and he's I think he's in the new robo cop or toy story 4 or both

It's both. Is he happy? I don't know When was the last time y'all wondered if uh michael keaton was happy. Is he safe? Is he has anybody what was the last thing you did for michael keaton other than buy jack frost on uh vhs and dvd You bought it on vh you bought it on vhs first right when dvds like started becoming a thing and you felt like such a boob You're like, oh, I've only had waited could have gotten all those special features If anyone is listening and they're near michael keaton, could you check on him for me? If you're michael keaton and you're listening to this

Can you just drop us a line? Could you check in on four square? Just let us know where you are What if it's something really depressing? It's like michael keaton is the mayor of the safeway that he assistant manages Oh, no Michael keaton has checked in at the michael keaton museum that he made I would hate to be the weird magician That came up with the frosty stuff And then try to explain to people

why I don't know What good excuse like first up you have to open and like the first line of your explanation has to be Well, not for sex Listen, I want to be clear on one thing This should be self evidence. This this thing's made out of snow and coal. There is there is no That's a weird sex thing. I was lonely. Mm-hmm. And was I open minded? Yes, I was what he has to really explain Maybe what he has to explain away

is why make this sentient living thing with the heart and soul of a kind human being out of the most Like fleeting substance that there is I made this hat that you put on a fart and it turns into a person Oh, what was I thinking? You know how sometimes you experience Uh, a sort of a niggling fear of death

Can you imagine a creature that didn't even have the respite? Of knowing that that day would someday come and after that the fear would stop I need something that's perpetually obsessed with its own mortality so much so That upon meeting small children in this winter town He meant to scat me his obsession with his own fleeting lifespan um He originally my first shot at this was frosty the sort of homunculus I made out of wet sand right on the edge of the beach right at about like 4 30

Right before high tide came in Have you ever noticed how from 10 a.m. To 4 p.m. Every single day You just hear a creature screaming a sandy sandy scream in terror. That's my bad. That's what I'm gonna get it right mark my words Just move them up the beach you say that's not a bad idea, but then the pelicans can get out of my workshop it but I can't promise anything. Oh, you know, it's the pits is that that one unseasonably warm day Followed by a week of just the chilliest winter Dude today. I was walking around Cincinnati in a t-shirt and jeans. It was like 68 degrees today

And tomorrow it's gonna be like 22. I think that justin was talking about from the viewpoint of of frosty the snowman snowman not as As with most things I had to run it through a filter of how it pertained to me not as a skin based human being It also was bad for me though Because then you had to find a sweater later At least you didn't have to face your own gosh darn mortality While knowing that a life of happiness is just around the corner for you

But is it even sadder if you think about he puts this hat on he knows like nothing. It's his birthday You know, by the way a a top hat not even a sun hat to protect him from the rays Bram whatsoever and and he's just this happy-go-lucky young man. And yet for some reason there's two things He knows he knows how to love and that he will soon be dead He's learning everything else on his own and yet there is one inherent piece of information in his head Oh, by the way, if it heats up above say about 32, I'm out of here So you're basically saying he's the epitome of Tim McGraw's live like he were dying Yes, he was specifically created to know only one thing and that he didn't have long to go

Live like you were melting I told some kids in the neighborhood about how it's gonna die I tried to try to go skydiving, but I just kind of fell apart because I made a snow Can't if if a parachute whipped me back it would probably rip me in half Please don't throw my chest bones at a kid How is he ambulatory if inside his snow Flesh is not a nice skeleton. I assume it was like various sacks of water and air

It's like squishing and refilling much like an octopus or something along those lines Had did you go see frosty? Yeah, I tried to stand next to him the sound of his body Moving maybe nothing to do with the magic. It was just like it was genetics So I'm a genetically made a half that when you put it on like that was the only response system This is gonna sound weird, but could you put your could you put your mouth on my armpit and blow my air sac seems to be plated I want to wave. Goodbye to you kids. Oh, watch it too late. Watch out for my venomous prongs I have all I'm supposed to keep the dogs away All the traffic cop hollard stops, so I inked all over him. Goodbye

I'm nature's greatest monster Merry Christmas. I'm I'm a nightmare. Please end me. Please just turn that radiator on. I will be outskis in like 10 It does explain why frosty smokes though. Yeah way as a pipe. What's that to lose? Yeah Uh, all right, I want to make some First up just want to say a big happy birthday to ethan That's coming to you from seth. I don't know why you got to take Jesus's flavor though. Yeah Way to go ethan. I mean you guys realize that this episode isn't even going up remotely close

To the day of yeah, it's Griffin, but everyone knows that he wasn't actually born on December 25th He was born on December 17th. Okay They just they just had to delay it because of Error time on tv specials. Ah get out of here. That doesn't seem like That doesn't seem true. So so ethan we are so proud of you from seth You know seth didn't say this, but I really feel like he seems really touched by Just everything that you've been doing lately and he yeah, he's so proud of you. I wish you'd cut back on the

I can't say You know, okay, so seth is very proud of you, but He did mention that one thing Um, and it would be cool if maybe do that less Let's just say seth knows and also jesus knows and also your net nanny knows because jesus installed a net nanny on your pc All of those parties also know about the album national helium shortage by red sky Phenomenon Griffin you're into music. What what could that be? Um, if you like indy

If you're into indy, it doesn't get more indy than this Uh, this album this album was created using android apps and also nintendo ds As you guys know, you could even do that They got all kinds of things what you need a corg sympathize sympathizers They've got that on the ds. You can mix together entire albums. That's how silo green got started Have you heard the album silo green may where you mix on ds? It's called it's called pokemon silo green

Anyway, uh, you can get on bandcamp at redskyphenomenon.bandcamp.com for zero dollars if you want But you shouldn't want that you should want to provide them money with which to continue their art Um, and if you it's very cool. I just listen to it. It's gonna it's gonna get your blood pumping It's all I like it even if I don't know what indy music is Um, this would be a good way for you to start getting into indy To start enjoying indy. It's a great gateway to indy. Yeah, so you guys can put these quotes on your upside if you want Yeah, a great indy indy. It's an indy guaranteed You have it from me the king of indy music. Um guys, we have another very special sponsor this week. It is uh

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You would say it's something of a general store. Uh, here's an attachment you can put on a drill That it seems to be a soft rubber tip perhaps to protect you from drilling things accidentally What happens Are you jamming a drill and then you turn it on and you say whoops, that's not I didn't mean to drill this this chair How does how you get into this predicament in the first you trip your trip you get excited because you're about to drill something So you start drilling and then you fall or trip. Okay I guess I think I like everything is illuminated Okay, good. Now it all makes total sense

I'm I'm looking at one thing here and it looks like have you ever like been carrying a candle around? I thought like I just takes up a whole hand and I need two hands to do some things It looks like here. They have a belt that you can wear that you can hold the candle on the belt And then you have two free hands. I think that's impressive. I think I understand. Um, you know, sometimes you're uh at home You just got back from the grocery store and you pull you get out the keel bosses that you bought at the grocery store and you think Man, I these sure looked bigger at the grocery store And then you get them out and you find them unsatisfyingly small and you think these aren't gonna keep me These are gonna filming up. Um, they have a special

I'll call it a peripheral and it is a pump And you put the keel boss inside it and if you And then all of a sudden your keel boss, uh The keel boss that you bought for eating is bigger. Have have you ever Said something you didn't mean to someone and you think ah me and my big mouth When am I gonna learn to keep my I gotta learn to keep my big mouth shut? Well, what if I could what if what if you could put a ball in there all the time that you can't take out at all Maybe a big maybe you put a whole leather mask in front of your face. It looks like a dog

And you never and it's pretty funny because you know, it's it's a great gag gift because everyone's always walking dogs But nobody ever puts the leash on a person You know what else you want extreme restraints, you know what else makes a great gag gift, you know a gag Oh Can this be the rest of the episode, please Have you ever have you ever been at home and it's real hot? So you're obviously you're not wearing any pants or underpants and so you're sitting there and um

I don't want to get blue, but let's say your privates are out But all of a sudden there's a bunch of wild dogs get in the room and you're afraid that you'll be bitten Uh on your privates Well, there's a special cage that you can put around it to keep a wild animals away from the thing that you have Down there, whatever it may be, but I think Extreme restraints is looking out for your safety. Hey, it's a safety cage like a shark with shark divers use Uh, you know how sometimes when you turn into a werewolf People chain you up in the basement. Uh-huh. Well, what if only your privates turn into a werewolf?

Have you thought about that underserved uh portion of the population It what if you're the captain of a pirate ship? Okay, go on I'm following so far How you need something to with which to punish the the the shipmates who act up and were really Uh, you can't go to target and buy a cat of nine tails. You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah, go on. This is a whip specifically for non sexual punishment I can't stress this enough

You're trying to get to work, right? But you're late and you need to take the carpool lane But you're by yourself and you got no one to carpool with you Well, then you're reaching the trunk and you inflate yourself a friend And you talk them into your passenger seat carpool buddy. That's the extremastraints.com You ever look at really ski cucumber thought I bet I could juice that I Extremastraints.com has got you covered

head honcho man Chronic constipation is a problem that a lot of people run to nowadays Maybe you want to buy maybe you don't want to go to the ballgreens and buy a douche And maybe you want to buy a special douche one that can get real deep in there You know chronic diarrhea is a problem. It'd be easier. Just plug it up Not nothing you covered any extremastraints. Oh, nothing coming or going. Oh my god, you know Swings are great for the kids

What about adults? But don't you miss the fun of of soaring through the air and out of care in the world? Well extremastraints as you covered the fun swing to swing on sure I you know what can't hey one of my get your hand out of the cookie jar No problem. I got a loop for you extremastraints.com It is the if you use the coupon code middleist you can get all these Uh gadgets helpful household items household gadgets at uh at 20 off

So that's pretty great. Go to extremastraints.com use the coupon code middleist Yes Um, yeah, you got another one. Um, I just found a share Let me workshop it real quick. I just have to workshop it while I talk I need something to spread on my English muffins and I'm a member of the male sex I can't go out and I can't use country crock because it's too expensive And I know I can't use girl butter because it's not it's not my it's not my given gender

Fortunately extremastraints has a product that is called boy butter. So I'll just go ahead and I'll buy a few of those in bulk So I don't even have to worry about my butter needs anymore. It's like the dr. Pepper. You know, it's just for men, right? Yeah, it literally butter is it literally comes in a 16 ounce tub or also a squeeze bottle Which is good because sometimes I've only got one hand Because the other hand is holding me English muffins. Are your kids harry potter pretending not upsetting enough? Well, we've got a wand for you It's upsetting here we go Brothers that was 20 minutes. That was worth it. That was the best ad ever

Brothers I've been with my boyfriend for three years and not once have I surprised him with a really good gift He always buys what what he wants. He's really into video games and a fan of the show I just don't know what to get him that he'll enjoy but also won't put me in the poor house Can you help a lady out? Thanks brothers and happy candle nights boy, you know, uh Polygon.com is running a great series of gift guides. Oh, don't you cross promote? Listen, I think that is that it is a great suggestion to go to polygon.com

Don't make bathrooms where you eat Justin This by the way, this show is definitely the bathrooms. You understand that right the place we eat is the place we work But this show is the bathrooms this show is supposed to deaf the bathrooms. There's no question about that Let me ask you guys this. Okay. Is there something to be said? Like I envision it as a triangle right three different points one point is surprise One point is money spent and the other point is like just numerical amount of gifts And I feel like you can make up for not having one of the three present by Having more of the other two

Sure, sure because if you're not surprising him fine But I don't think you can and no it ain't no mistake if you buy a gift that we recommend and he listens to the show You will not be surprising him. No Um, let me list off my top. This is gonna make things really easy because you say he's really into video games And he's a fan of the show My top three presents of all time are the sony playstation The gameboy advance and an Nintendo 64. So like just get him a new game thing. Just get him one of those new game things Is it expensive? Yes, but is it will he remember it forever?

Probably not because he's not a child, but It's too late to have that sort of impact. Um what I could recommend is maybe a Maybe a book about video games. Um That's not surprising a book Reading about video games is actually how I kind of got into my current career reading Leonard Herman's the rise and fall phoenix the rise and fall of video games. I got your book I wrapped it in socks to double how awful it is Hope you like reading

I got you. I basically got you. Do stuff I basically got you an unpaid job I got you a clerkship Happy apprenticing. Um God gift giving is so hard. Isn't it guys? Yes, it is so hard. You know what's hard is was you get to be adults Mostly if I want something I either buy it or convince myself. I don't want it. Well, that's really hard to find something That's not as common as you think Justin. That is a specific problem that you do

Right. Well, that's true. What I don't know a lot of other people that want to fushigi and just buy it Well, then you don't know anybody that has an amazon prime account. Yeah, that's kind of our thing Oops just bought a second fushig Both my wife and I wanted to buy a turntable. I was told to not call it a record player But that's what we're using it for for some time so we can listen to some groovy tunes on vinyl We've been trying to cut the candle nights season and I'm racking my brain trying to determine a good gift for my soo So I keep Coming back to is a turntable. I really believe you should be grateful and wrap it

But I can't help but hesitate because it's something I want just as much It's uh as if I'd be receiving one and a half gifts on the exchange. It seems a bit selfish to me Brothers, what should I do buy something else and risk possible dissatisfaction or go ahead with the turntable and claim the line Share the candle nights that's from ep less in seattle such a good question. Wow. That's a good one. Yeah for sure Because there's lots of things that tressa and I enjoy together and so when I think This would be something awesome for both of us. It always throws in that like Tenge of like yeah, but that's not how it's supposed to work. Can I give you some advice? Yeah, please give me some advice you you stupid idiot

What do I mean neither both of you are no Okay, just just enjoy it Just you said that like the devil would say it. No. Yeah, can I say it a different way? Just do it. Yeah, okay and just enjoy it Just enjoy the this this special It's a it's an aligning of the stars as you should see it as a celebration of the fact that you And your significant other like the same stuff You know what I mean, and also you know some some out of it. You know what I mean? Why not?

Do the turntable and also some records that you know, she would like I I bet they probably like the same kind of music though Oh, yeah, that's or you could just don't worry about getting her records that she likes But instead only get her records that you hate I Just understand that I'm giving something up by giving this to you Right And that is my right to not listen to tom jones all the time on final

And just know that she's probably also getting you a turntable and you're gonna end up with two turntables Please please don't also Gosh, uh might I also recommend uh, uh, crossley turntable. C. R. O. S. L. E. Y. I got one for sydney Last year and it is a fine product. Yeah, they make a really good Make a really good turntable. It comes in a case. It looks very retro and a microphone All right, okay Oh travis My son is asked santa for a wee you is it santa or santa?

my son is My son is asked santa for a wee you this this year My wife and I have absolutely no intention of buying a wee you for a variety of reasons He's young enough that we don't want to tell him the truth about santa yet But we don't want to be he be disappointed with the big day comes We've tried several ways of talking them out of this wee you idea, but his conviction is pretty strong How can we shake him of the idea that santa will bring him this ridiculous gift without ruining the magic? That's from alex. Why is your kid asking for presents from santa from game of thrones? I don't understand

Yeah, I thought it was beyond his alter ego santa fears. Sure Listen, uh, let me uh, let me talk to your kid You guys have to leave the room come in here little brice Come in here little brice Let the brothers back right talk to you now parents. You do have to leave the room We probably you know, we can't use bad words. We've been bound by a blood oath So, uh, just leave the room and let us talk to him Brice just leave your kid with us. Leave your kid with us for like two minutes. You can't take this cake

Hey kid kid, where does Kate why I talked to you? Listen kid You know santa's gonna bring it to you. Yeah Mom and dad are playing this playing dumb basically They're trying to be so you know, my parents trying to play this game. Uh, what a genesis I'm not gonna get you one of those And then what's that nintendo 64 wouldn't you like settle for a nintendo 63? Uh, and then what's that behind the couch? Oh must be from santa. What's that from nani nani's got you another present This is see it's a secret present. Wait, what it what did nani get it?

Oh, it's a sewing machine box nani. Why wait a minute wait a minute feels like there's some extra space Something now rattling around in this box Open it up. Is it close? There's a map. There's a map on this sweater Is that a codex? Oh my god, Jesus had a son I'm not even worried about the we you anymore Now I'm off on an international intrigue. I love this

I've got to go find the pope and kill while he sleeps. I did not read the division That's basically it Um brice brice brice, you know, sand is gonna bring it to you. Yeah, if you believe parents are just playing dumb Santa always puts you up brice for real Have you been good? That's the only question because if it doesn't show up Then you know as somewhere along the line, you don't goofed up somewhere brice. Have you been good? And are you a christian? Have you heard the good news price? We got good news. Where this cake? Where this cake? Take this little book Don't tell your parents though. Brice. We got good news. You're the love of christ

Keep this little book secret price But if santa does it for you we you then jesus definitely is this is Jesus is we you insurance freights doesn't bring you a we you it's because your parents don't believe in jesus You got a diversify Diversify your we you portfolio. Listen playing with you is cool. You know, it's cool living forever Don't you live forever brice and also possibly playing two we use one from santa one from jesus Yeah, after you hear this good news, you're gonna be like we who? Because because of the good news nintendo power. No power of prayer power of prayer

Maybe the real power isn't into the power after all Also nintendo power of prayer. Hey brice jesus does what nintendo don't Just who do you thought brice chew it over mall it over Parents you can come back Wait, wait, it's all sorted right brice. We smoothed it all out. Oh wait Hey, listen get do get my cake back from him though. That wasn't for keeps That was it keeps that was like a loader cake after the he's crying because he saw something outside the window that scared him It was a it was a hawk a big hawk flew down. We scared it away. We freaked it out though

God once you have one year Where santa doesn't bring the kid what he wants Year you never have to worry about bad behavior again Yeah, you know Do you want this to be like the one year the one year that santa really followed through on his seemingly hollow Threat to not bring you what you wanted Um Just merry christmas brice's parents. It's gonna be a great one. I can just it's gonna be a great one

Don't listen back to that part. You may be tempted Just burn this after you after it's done Oh, we should have told iphone i mean christ just flush it just flush this phone down the potty brice Daddy doesn't brice come back that way santa can find it because he lives in the sewers You said No, i'm thinking of it. I'm sorry One of those three is definitely gonna hook you up with the wii you jesus santa or This is important brice don't go to him

Let him come to you with the wii you don't he's gonna come at you from the sewer like check it out Just slide it to you down here having a fun fun two screen experience with mario and yoshi Come check it out and you say no pennywise. Why don't you come up? I got a big Go up here pennywise. They all waggle down here bricey I'm gonna need you to i've got a i've got a lot of space that you can really explore with that game pad You're gonna i'm telling you i think it's gonna be way better up here. So why don't you just Just not in the sewer if we could Hey, I know kids love clowns. Is there a clown in the world that can entice a joe aisle to follow into a sewer

How good is this clown? He was just so gosh darn charming. He is. No, he's not. He's tim curry And tim curry as we know could tim curry is not blessed with natural charm could tim curry entice any child into Any space anywhere on the earth above ground or subterranean for any reason using any means imaginable He could have all the we use in candy in the world and be standing 10 feet away from the child in an open space I'm gonna make you a deal surrounded by we use the candy the pony And the balloons right no tim curry. He could tim curry couldn't entice a child into an ice cream truck driven by a pokemon He could be surrounded by his parents and police officers

Come here. You're going to love this. I'm chilling in here with pikachu and charmer Charizard pump the brakes and he's bracing the pile on we're all eating pushpups How did you I see you met my faithful ghastly I Don't get strung out By the way, I look well, like what else do I have to go on right now? You are a clown with sharp teeth I would rather not do get strung out very strong. I also don't think tim curry could encourage an adult to do anything It was have dance

Okay, so this spin are very special very tim curry agnostic It right this is this episode where we make fun of tim curry even though we all really love tim curry Yes, you seen clue So this is a holiday treasure island. Oh man. He we could keep going like this for a couple of two Let's keep but let it let us Worst witch. I mean, that's a great one. I wish he'd do a christmas version of that We'd be like worst worst elf. Maybe like anything can happen. No christmas Okay, so this has been my brother my brother and me it's a christmas show. Oh, he was also great in the shadow

Oh, man What's that? Everybody saw that Thank you so much for for listening to this show with a family member. Uh, I'm sure you shared it with them and and they can go and uh Find it Find it and uh listen to it on their own selves. So I'm sure they're so hungry for this what? Uh, yeah, I'm sure they're dying for another taste. They're not in any way Full, uh, thank you to people who tweeted about the show this week. Uh slim jim fatty andy jackson

Uh, Dave your fave bill zucker geeky lindsey Uh, muskava mule mule. Sorry. It's a liquid you there in dube Uh, ryan macklin the rab Everybody. Oh and also, uh, just so you know, there will be no episode next week. Yeah, it's christmas. You fools Yeah, we're gonna be you know, spending spending special time together Um, I want to thank john rogerick in the long winters for using for a theme song into departure of the album Putting the days to bed Which would make a great christmas present if you haven't bought it for anyone

It would make a great hanukah present too, but you missed it. You goofed You missed it by a day. It would make a good anytime present. It would make it. Yeah, it would make a good tuesday present Um, so so yeah, just consider it. I just guys. Thank you. Thanks so much. I you know You know what I mean? Yeah, we really yeah, right? Well the world's gonna end in four days. So Oh, yeah, we're not gonna get a chance to talk to you again. So so we'll miss you. Yeah, I mean the world is pretty much already over Um, but but you guys have made these last few years Just really especially really special and and good and you know, do you guys know what i'm trying to say? God, I get it. I get I do get it. God help me. I get it

We've been in the show for for two years in like eight months And every year has been more special than the one before well the year actually the year has actually been worse Like things are things are just really going to he double hockey sticks And no, yeah, we kind of messed it up as humans this year, but um, and get it back on track I don't even think dogs have done great, especially great. Um either Um, but and in spite of all that you guys just keep me coming back for more By which I mean life, I guess

Yeah, so thanks There won't be a episode. Uh, does that mean we're gonna post an episode on new year's eve? Yeah Okay, well, we'll do that then I guess. Um, and uh, we'll see you guys then people need to know We end up calling the next year. Although really it's a moot point. Everything's going right in Quetzalcoatl's gullet next week Yeah, at this point after these last couple months, we really closed it down Yeah, we like everyone else will figure it out in four days. You know what I mean? I think Quetzalcoatl came for us now. We'd be like, ah, you got us. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah Next guy try by which I mean that's our bad bipedal sentient cockroaches with superhuman strength and brain power

Maybe neck they'll have a better shot Than we did because we really goofed it up Merry christmas everybody to you and yours and happy holidays if you don't if you don't like christmas, but It really is the best one. Um, this one is sent by Emily wall. Thanks Emily wall Uh, it's by yahoo answers user jssl 2234 who asks um This holiday themed question Is nickel back a good band to listen to while trying to get rid of a meth addiction

Happy candle nights everyone. I'm just a macaroy. I'm Travis macaroy. I'm Griffin macaroy It's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad. Let's go way on the lips