My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 134: Dukes Down, Dunks Up

Episode Date: December 31, 2012

We're closing out this year with a thorough discussion of what Tom Hanks looks like down there, because we love you, and frankly, we think we're spending a little too much time together. A little separation in 20-Bakers-Doz is just what the doctor ordered. Suggested talking points: Old Langs Sign, Dog Chocolate, Family Circus Dubstep Drop, Christmas Cards, Don't Let Me Into My Slippies, Rebounders, Subway Nugs, Semmeomaway, Tom Hanks Method Bush

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new craze And the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it Just say, hey, I want it Should those acquaintance be forgot

And never forget them Your friends and you Are ready for One silver and one gold Keep going Sweet load, sweet chariot All blanks on your ear So close my hand and drink this drink

Would you say your name was a Ken? Welcome to the very new New Year's episode We're killing it, we're killing that big marshmallow, he's dying Every year, instead of dropping a ball on New York City, that seems violent, we eat a giant marshmallow I was thinking Ghostbusters, it was the Ghostbusters group No, they're saying your love keeps lifting me higher, right? I got your love keeps lifting me higher and all blanks, I mixed up What does all blanks not even mean?

Like the actual phrase or the song? The phrase It means days gone by or something like that No, that's stupid It might be stupid, but it is what it is It's like when you know when you have really old langs Yeah And you put up a sign because you want to sell all of your old langs before the end of the year

What's your guys' favorite New Year's Eve tradition? I like the tradition where we all talk like old-timey prospectors every 20 to 30 I like the tradition where we all eat them little wieners wrapped in bacon Yeah, that's a good one That's a good one Are there New Year's traditions? I don't know of any, that's the thing My mother-in-law tries to get us to eat cabbage every year

But I don't know, that's a tradition Can you talk to her about that tradition? What if we started the tradition where like in the last minute, like in the countdown of seconds You blurted out to one of your loved ones a terrible thing you did to them that they didn't know about in 2012 But as soon as it turns over to 2013, they're not allowed to get mad at you I love that, double jeopardy Like get it in right at the end of the year Yeah

Like a little amnesty Like 10, 9, 8 I kissed your sister 6, 5, 1, 3, 2, 1 Clear How about how about we take it one step further And any crimes you do in the last minute of the year you cannot be you cannot be punished That sounds like something the Joker could exploit

That's worrying to me That guy fucking ruins all our traditions There's no trust there, it's the thing This is my brother, my brother, me, it's an advice show for the modern era We are saying, I mean we're saying goodbye to 20 does Oh god, I'm not ready I know, did you guys done get it? Did you get it?

Did you think that? I'm not asking you specifically No, I definitely got it I know you guys got it, but like did everybody get it in 20 does? I've been seeing a lot of reports of getting it Please tell us in like an overwhelming It's a wonderful lifestyle display of the effect we've had on your lives Just start just start tweeting at us all the ways that you got it in 20 does

I've seen so many Twitter status updates telling me how how much people have gotten it And we're not talking small potatoes or small fries or little fish in a big pond We are talking about big fish in a big in a big pond I don't want to talk about it anymore It's it's gotta so you're saying they reached in use the bait of positivity hope optimism And they put those fish into that barrel Right

And then they shot it And they shot the fish No, they shot the barrel No, you I think you open the barrel and put the pickles in it first And then you put the fish in to eat the pickles And then you shoot the barrel to release the fish it back in the wild The horse swallows the barrel I don't know why she swallowed the barrel

Perhaps she'll die Listen, we're better at advice than idioms But here's the weird thing only barely So here we go My girlfriend and I recently purchased some delicious chocolate bars during a trip abroad to give them to gifts as friends Unfortunately, why I'm packing our dog found the bag with the chocolate and started chewing on it We were lucky enough to stop Marma Duke

He thinks he's people He thinks he's people he could tear up in any of the wrappers But many of them now have visible bite marks Since then my girlfriend and I have been arguing about whether or not it's appropriate to still give these as gifts I opened one to see if they're okay and it had a pattern of a dense very clearly show that some small animal have been chewing on it Since the wrappers are mostly intact. She thinks it's okay to give and pretend to be surprised if somebody brings some of the bite marks I feel guilty and think we should throw them away and buy some new last minute gifts. Who is right? How would you feel if you got one as a gift?

That's from confectionery conundrum Man a lot a nice easy one I know joke I would fucking cut all ties with you if you gave me Some food some food stuff that looked like you've been gnawed on by a raccoon What are you talking about when the your friend goes are these bite marks and you go what no just that's how french people do it No, it's that fancy bite mark candy. Have you not read about that? I heard about this they have been gnawed on but small animals

But they're peresian raccoons The peresian raccoons eat nothing but mint leaves for a month and it infuses the flavor into the chocolate You wouldn't get it You wouldn't get it mainland. You know what just give it back to me. I'll pretend to eat it Your only option is like to just be straight up honest and be like, hey There's gonna be some bite marks on this. Don't worry. My dog didn't get through the wrapper But like then you need to follow that up with and I also got some other stuff too Is that very lack is that good no Travis?

Would you eat if somebody gave you that guarantee? If somebody gave you that 100% no dog spit on this guarantee, but yes, those are what his teeth look like Would you still I'm not gonna answer one way or the other yet because I want to throw out another factor These aren't just like snickers that they picked up at CVS. Like this is some interesting foreign candy. I presume I don't give a fuck if it's caviar made out of fabricé eggs that I could sell on ebay This got dog mouth marks on it griffin. Can you stop what I'm saying is there's a level above it Can you please stop interrupting travis so he could admit to us that he would eat dog candy? No No, what I'm saying is

When you get part of it is like, you know, if it's in afford the wrappers in a foreign language You display it somewhere for a while until it becomes gross and you throw it away travis say the words Hey, did you see this chocolate? I would just chocolate I have come into my den It's not american. That's why I'm showing it off is because it's not american I have chewed on foreign candy to show you I'm never going to your house again. Really hateful What no, I just want you to say that you would eat the dog candy. I would not eat the dog candy

some standards You just display it prominently in my house. You eat like, uh hot dogs. I have spaghetti in them No, I don't dude. No, that's super gross. The two things I will not eat Skyline hot dogs and chewed on dog candy Can I say I know that this is perhaps like the wrong time to express this this like christ was just having past this by and all but Pretty much with every thing time someone gives me something They're basically telling me they're telling me I have to find someplace to put it Like the best gift you can give me is not to have the pressure

Of eating something or storing something. So this is a good then this is a great gift by your metric because they know exactly where to put it Which is to say the garbage put it right in the put it right in the garbage can I wanted to bring this to buy to prove that I got you something But i'm not going to let you eat it because It has it's clearly been chewed on but I want you to share this funny anecdote Uh, even though i'm not going to let you eat this dog candy I got you a gift that almost killed my dog. So that's like the ultimate sacrifice

That's basically what gift to the magi was all about. Oh, what if you said that like they're dog tested and mother approved? My dog seemed to really like these maybe yours will too Oh Take this and kill your dog. Merry christmas. It's dog chocolate. I think How did you not see this coming? How could you leave? Foreign kids the two things dogs love to eat more than anything else are chocolate and irreplaceable things Right, there's their two favorite snacks and you somehow combined the two And do a chocolate bar that you could not easily obtain here in America and you knew your dog was a gastronomical risk taker

You knew that you knew he likes to dance on the racer's edge. Is this is this sea salt? I'll give it a whirl It's a little unconventional. Is there any dog? That's not I think if you eat poop more than once you are a gastronomical risk taker How about a how about a yahoo answer oh long story short you need to go get some new presents you anything This is my dog Andrew Zimmern Um this yahoo answer was sent in by ira ray. Thanks ira. It's by yahoo answer choose your crystal crystal s who asks What are some simple ideas for family circus act?

I am looking for Billy and Jeff be together Well, I am looking for ideas for my family. There are my parents me 21 And three sisters 16 11 and 8 we have our family reunion party next weekend and it's circus themed So we need a simple circus act that we can do It can be funny or something really cool But simple and cheap is what we want if you have any ideas. Please let me know Now you can make a family circus joke now You're allowed but let it percolate for a bit. You don't just have to fire it off prematurely. Give it time to ruminate

Why don't you here? Here's what i'm going to suggest. Why don't you save the family circus joke? Put it in like the back third of your brain while we're doing this bit and then at the end of the bit just like Drop it on us. But don't just say the names of people in family circus I think now it's gonna be a whole thing. Oh, there was gonna be a whole thing about following footprint I'm like who did it not me like some really specific The problem with comedy is that it and dubstep versus dubstep is that it doesn't have a drop Is this from your this is from your thesis comedy versus dubstep in the modern age This is for my thesis coming. This doesn't have a drop now

What Travis has provided us is the opportunity for a drop like people are going to feel The comedy drop of the family circus gag coming and then he's and then when they least or most expect it He's gonna drop it on them. Oh god. I can't I can't fucking wait for out of nowhere. It's just Bill keen is the creator So I I think if you're choosing between funny or really cool, I think we're definitely going in the first camp This is a family circus. I do have a nice prepare Okay, has anyone ever watched their friends or family perform any kind of act and thought man, that's so cool

like You're not going to be able to pull that one off If you've been working on something for years outliers Then I think that you that maybe if you have like a hidden skill you've been practicing But like don't just try to pick up the fushigi out of nowhere. Yeah. Are you already like a professional magician? I okay, so I was curious as to why the Sweet christ's name the per the pattern familiar to this organization were like, oh, it's got it's got to be circus themed But I think maybe they made a few unwise amazon purchases like justin and do have these fushigi balls

Maybe they have been fushigi game for six months and they have absolutely no venue in which to show it off They're tired of getting shut down when at every family function. They say hey does anybody want to see Some contact juggling and everyone says no, I don't I don't want to see that Not you are making you are dragooning the entire family everyone you're related to into watching you contact juggle The good news is probably no one's gonna come no one wants to be here for this This is a family gathering. Is it a reunion? It sounds like it. Yeah, because they use the word reunion. I You gotta go erotic

It's gotta be it's gotta be strange and erotic like a cirque du sole level of eroticism I'm not saying I'm not saying like Hump your hump your sisters or whatever. I'm saying You know Hang hang a hoop from your butthole and then they jump through it or what I've never seen sir. I've never seen cirque du sole But I think that's What if you humped your sisters and made it like an aristocrats joke? Oh

Oh Oh, oh Is this a whole fan? Is this a whole family of circus people? I think if it was a whole family circus, I think if it was that justin they'd know what the fuck to do They wouldn't be asking yahoo answers. Maybe some people are some people aren't What if they like to keep their family and professional life separate? Did you see did you see tit gracing came? Isn't that sad?

Who is that man with him? That's so absurd. Why is a are they relate are they friends? What is the nature of their relation? Why did he even come? you're saying 50% of the family maybe the mom side of the family the grandma side the flying gray sins the all flying gray sins The dad side mostly dentists Mostly dentists and accountants and tax adjusters right and lean holders. I don't know that And taxidermists and taxidermists

Excuse me. Excuse me. You know, you can't use more than four syllable words here. Yeah, I get a little I get a little tongue-tied excuse me um Why is there a uh What what is the venue for this? Is this living room a circus performance? Is it at the is it at the jcs? Is it at the koc? Is it at the kfc? I just hope it's somewhere private

Somewhere private somewhere indoors. Can you please tell me the park you're going to be at so I could be in another state? please can you can you put up one of those like Bug spraying tents that they put over houses and then that could be your big top and maybe they are in fact spraying it while you're doing your thing That sometimes I go to the park and there's guys with foam swords and I just think how dare you sir That's my whole day now is that and you're doing that here Do that in the privacy your own home where I don't have to be secretly jealous of you because it looks awesome It looks so cool. It does look cool. I can't be that self-assured and or done Fight in the park with foam swords. That would be sweet

Do you think any lepers listen to our listen to our lepers Lerpers social lepers any lepers Um, I I think that they're just by law of large numbers. We have so many listeners. I think there's somebody out there Somebody out there has been a monster camp Travelling a monster camp. I don't even know what that is cool cool Uh, I guess it's about time to move on Oh, I'm sorry. Were you guys waiting for a joke?

No Oh, I don't have anything Do Jeffy PJ The dad's an alcoholic Get your revisionist family circus history out of here No, it's absolutely true. The first comic strip. I'm looking at it right now

Is the kids running in from a football game the dad looks really sad Sack with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth and the caption is we each had a little bottle of soda Daddy brought his own in in his pocket That's the first family circus. Yeah Oh, it's an early strip. It's from 1962 So it used to be Is in fact an alcoholic So that would be a good family circus act you could do is just your dad gets drunk

I was like, what the fuck are you kids doing? Please stop flipping around and shit. I'm embarrassed in front of your uncle Dave Can you kill your grandma and then have her appear above you in a little circle? And she's wearing angel wings and she's looking down on you and she says it's a great trick But I can only do it once here comes the next question Coming at you from me To you My fiance and I have been discussing future Christmas traditions as we face the next candle nights and all others as a married couple

I am adamant that we will not be sending Christmas cards as it is an outdated tradition Given all the methods of staying in touch this wonderful age provides us. How do I convince her it is a waste of time That's from no noel notices in north carolina What are you talking about what a what a cringy thing to say I know it's not an outdated it's like I love it. I love getting a good christmas card in the mail with great typography Especially now that my friends all have babies. It's like a great way of keeping up with babies And it is it is one of those like things that doesn't translate to like email or Text message or anything like someone could email me a picture of their kids and it's like a big fucking deal

But you send me a nice card shows you put a little thought into it. That means something Yeah, when that can that baby pick exists in your tangible space in your physical Surroundings and you treasure it if it's just zeros and ones It's like who the fuck is this kid if you email it what you're saying is hey You should print this out cut it down to a normal size and then put it somewhere I guess I don't know. I didn't think that far ahead because you've probably stopped on step one I tell you where it has been really good What I have used christmas cards most for is like they're a nice conversation thing like

For instance, I have uh our friend slice sent us a picture of his of his Uh big baby kevin and it's a great picture because he has a little car that he's driving and there's a little tree attached to the roof Uh, it's awesome and it's in his cozy cube. It's a great picture But like I would I might have seen that on facebook and like scroll on by But now that it's like in my house when my dad comes by I say hey, have you seen it's like it's getting a while It's great. It's in your zone. It's in my zone

I've got like four or five babies just like chilling in the kitchen now and whenever i'm cooking I just look over did you get justin russo's? You know I did mac Russo's god. Damn. That's a cute little baby. I think you're misunderstanding question asker I think you're misunderstanding The the the utility of christmas cards, which is to say not there is none No one ever got a christmas card even back in like the 60s and felt like oh, thank god. What a valuable dispatch Thank god you got this across. Thank god. I now identify their children by sight. It's goodness. It's a way It's a way of like

getting um You know letting that person know that you care about them It's a it's a homecoming pick that it's a homecoming pick or an engagement pick That's like saying just like this is what I look like this year and that's handy to know That's that's a good knowledge. It really is just like a thought thing You know, we got lots of christmas cards in the p.o. Box this year and man, I was fucking touched Yeah, it was nice people Uh Travis was reading them to us. We're actually this is how we enjoy we can't go through everybody who sent us christmas card

um But you know who you are, but you know who you are and we actually all sat in one room In front of the fire Drinking some eggnog and reading our christmas cards. That is throwing them into the fire Chossing them into the fire casually Well, only the shitty ones Only the shitty ones. You know who you are. Yeah, if it had a white baby on it, it was not going in the fire

Let's just put it that way Why why does it why does it always? Why is it always with you? It's you always like that with you Uh, I got another question. Is that a good tip for question asking just make sure the card has a white baby on it No matter what include a white baby include a white baby or a baby in white face Oh my god, stop. I was griffin. I have to tell you something I am currently wearing the slippers you got me for christmas and it is like It is like cruising around doing my morning puttering on a cloud on a mobile

Cloud that was all rachel Well, thank her for me These look exactly like justin's feet on the inside and so we caught him I finally understand that song. You know that one conne song don't let me into my zone with also jay-z Also starting jay-z. I've often I think I misunderstood that as some sort of like Mental state that you get into where once you're in it. You're unstoppable. No, I think these slippers are my zone Right the original transcript of that song was conne saying don't let me into my slippies And they said that doesn't sound very good

That's not a good rap song. It's it doesn't have a very good meter and also Mr. West people are going people are going to make fun of you if you say Jay-z was like, I don't know. I kind of like it. I kind of like it. This is going to be a good CD We're making the other cognac This is going to be a good record Watch the slippies. Watch the slippies Please don't scut. Please don't scut. And then we're gonna we're gonna watch the slippies tour But we mostly just stay in our sweaty pants

Just chill. Let's just watch some catch up on homeland And stay in our slippies all day order some zah Just bro out conne. What was that stuff? We just broed out Man that fire is getting a little low cognac. Put another fire along on that. Let's see what see what brody's up to now Oh, one man should have all these slippers You do I you know, I said that I but you actually are right. I I have too many slippers cognac Thank you for pointing that out to me. Do you need me to refresh your cafe? Oh, like

No, you remember when remember when after Katrina? Connie was like George bush doesn't care about sock shoes. It's like I guess You're probably right Hey, I was in a 3.5 year relationship my first one ever Congratulations and was dumped a little month over a month ago. Should have read first, Justin Should have finished the sentence read a little bit faster It was far from a perfect relation a sizable chunk of it was long distance

We didn't have much in common and I think when it ended neither of us were really happy I've started seeing a new girl and I'm feeling pretty happy But I can't shake the feeling that I might just be rebounding I don't want to make such a predictable mistake But I also don't want to rule out the possibility of finding the right girl How can I separate real feelings from the rebound and that's from love longing in Long Island? I don't believe in the rebound like I don't Yeah, I think that rebounding is either

You either make the decision before you get in the relationship like I want to rebound Or after the relationship is over you look back on it and say yeah, that was just a rebound relationship Well, yeah, that's the only that's the only way it works. That's the only way that that What you've just described is the only two ways that that situation can shake out No, what what I'm saying is like you're never in the middle of a relationship that you're really happy in and it's going really well and go You know, I think this is a rebound right It's not a classification that the relationship falls under like no hold on if I put together this element and this element It's a rebound relationship. I mean like I I I married my wife on the rebound

Like she had just split up with her very long-term boyfriend when when the two of us started dating and like if I had um It's for some reason shun that relationship because she was on the rebound Or she had done the same I would have missed out on like the most important relationship in my life. So I I'm not I'm I'm loathed to to sort of say like dismiss Or try to categorize this relationship too much I mean, I recently had just gotten out of a two-year relationship three weeks before we started dating and we've been together almost three years and we're engaged now Yeah, you're engaged

What congratulations. Oh, sorry meant to tell you guys. Yeah, thank you Um, I do I think there's something to it though I think I think when you get out Of a relationship that you're not exactly happy in you do kind of go buck wild You do go a little out of wild like I don't think that's a myth. I'm not saying that the next person you date I'm not saying the next person you date is the is a mistake, but there's a much higher chance Well, I mean I I will be honest with this and say that truce and I did then like move in together Like four months later and you know moved a lot faster

Then maybe we would have if we were both like, you know coming off I don't know coming off of long-term singleness, but I mean, that's not bad. That's not a bad thing. I don't regret that. I think it just makes you a little bit more Open to the idea of happiness would be a better way to put it Hmm, you know what I mean where you're not maybe as trepidatious You're not maybe or you go the other way and you are you know much more afraid of it And that is usually what kills your happiness

I I just don't I I think you should be careful about Don't overthink it if you're not happy in the relationship by all means get out if you're happy the relationship Who cares how it started who cares how long it's been since your last relationship? You got 3.5 years of experience. Yeah, uh with with relation shipping There's no uh non-compete on this put your skills to use don't Don't like get so bonered To like find someone else that you ignore the lessons of those three and a half years though Like those three and a half years

That's a lot. That is true. That's a long ass time. You probably learned some shit about what you want From a from a partner from a pod no So don't Don't like don't ignore that, you know, don't just go looking for the first first thing with holes. Oh god yucky That's my favorite fair child of both like Uh, I'm not I'm talking about I'm not talking about like a mr. Bucket. I'm talking about like a living human being I if you do fuck a mr. Bucket though, that'd be hard. I bet that would be hard

Yeah, because he's always like he's always like spitting spin the balls pop out of his mouth. So good luck trying to keep him in right the uh If you if you who was bad at the end that might feel comfortable for you You have to have keep your head on a swivel And try to see giraffes right see if you see the same patterns because if you see the same patterns you may have Just gotten back together with somebody who is like the last bad relationship. So don't do that

Just if you're happy don't Think about it too much Don't try to overanalyze happiness. Just be happy and you know what you may get sucker punched in a month You may think like oh man. Ah crap. Uh, this was a rebound relationship. I messed up But you could also sabotage yourself now by being really happy and it being a good relationship But now trying to determine whether it's a rebound relationship or any nonsense like that You're going to end up screwing yourself over by overthinking. Yeah, exactly. Just always think of the fact that in the mba You get points for rebounds

Oh, that is true. So how bad can they really be? Just improve your stats. Just get your stats up. You can't get a triple double unless you get three Three rebounds two rebounds three rebounds two You get points for rebounds when the other guy's bouncing down the court and he throws it And he just he just misses all the hoops And then you get a ball back a guy comes along and punches him in the dick I am so tired of turning on google and having the first google news story that pops up be like this player punches player in the Dick, it's tuesday. Yeah tomorrow. There's going to be a new one

Stay tuned. Can 2013 can everyone's new year's resolution be not punch someone in the dick maliciously while playing basketball? Should be pretty easy for me. I can take I can take the pledge Where where this promissory I'm gonna wear a promissory that explicitly states I won't get a celebrity youtube video about not punching people in the dick Just in basketball terms Hey, it's me toe for grace. Listen Listen, keep it keep it fun on the court when I'm on the court When I'm balling

I'm never balling which is what I call punching someone in the balls on the on the court when me and toby maguire are balling And shoot and toby key and toby key And marissa tomea when we're all balling on the court The craziest the craziest basketball celebrity basketball tournament ever except for any tournament involving the harlem globe trotters It would be the craziest. You're correct. Keep it on the paint. Can we just say that? Keep it on the paint and not on the taint. Put your fists put your fists away

Put your dukes down and put your dunks up That was good a dunks dunks not dunks It's not dunks guys. I have a yahoo answer is pressing Okay, and depressing it's centered by will before it. Thank you. Well, it's by yahoo answers user flox who asks A business question Would it be nice if subway sell three inches sandwich for a dollar? In December they have six inch for two dollars, so it would be three inches for one dollar if you eat half It's perfect for when you're not hungry, but you do want to experience the subway ambiance

I want an excuse to talk to this sandwich artist. I've got my eye on You know, do you know how when you finish your subway sandwich? Be at six or twelve inches and you are full as fuck, but you're sad because there's no more sandwich to eat This is like a little boost. This is like a little booster pack You're saying this is a way to get a nine or 15 inch sub I'm saying yes round up Just tie this to my other sub please with substring You're a sandwich artist. You should be able to swim this

Make it a sandwich modern artist. What making it an L shape. I don't care get as gay as you want to with it Get gay with this mixed media sandwich I don't care you may look like a duck face. I don't care the guys at the plant make fun of you. That is what makes your sandwich Let me get a six pack of subway nuggets It's just what I call three inch sandwiches Listen, I want to eat a four hour, but I'm gonna I'm gonna eat a foot long But instead I'm gonna get four three inch longs because I want to eat four of something Oh, I think I'll feel fuller and there's more paper that way

Three inch subs at subway Maybe that you know what that would be good for a sampler if you want to like try four subs Yeah But I mean but then you're quadrupling the amount of time that that sandwich when you order a chicken When you order a sloppy sloppy rancher shake chicken bacon When you get one of those they have it streamlined in their brain. This is how food service works It is a manufacturing line where they know The fastest way to slop it and flop it down and get it from the from their table to your mouth

They know the quickest way to do that when you are quadrupling that process I don't think subway's gonna go for this Can we just be honest and say that the worst thing about going to subway Is the smell of the restaurant? You have to stand there and stand eye to eye with the person making your food As they like contempt with every extra topping you want you're creating more work for them And you get to stand there and watch them judge you Um, I used to work next to a subway used to work at a tcby next to a subway

which is like the healthiest job I've ever had and um, I was getting my lunch one day and uh A lady that was making my sandwich cut her finger like through the plastic glove with a knife And was like oh fuck and then put her hand behind her back and tried to make the rest of the sandwich with one hand Like she's like she's on top chef Like yes very much like she's on top chef more over she got blood on the fucking like I saw you You were holding my sandwich when you cut your finger through it Like no there's no way there's no way

By introducing a three-inch sandwich you're creating a lot more opportunities for that sort of thing to happen correct That's what that's where I'm at. That's what worries me. I think you I mean The biggest concern and I wish I wasn't as worried about this as I am But with with a three-inch sandwich you also run a good chance of getting stuck with a little curved knob nubby end That's not really worth a dollar god. It's not worth a fucking penny It's not worth the stomach acid that you would use to digest it Oh god, you lose all you lose so much sandwich real estate You lose so many teeth trying to chew that nubby nubby nug. Oh, it's so gross

The smell can we all I've brought this up twice now and nobody addressed like recognize you Do you guys not agree that subway is like the fucking stinkiest place on earth? Like you walk into that place and you walk out and you smell like you smell like The shoes of somebody who's been working at olive gardens. There's a gas station about two blocks away from me That is a gas station and subway restaurant Um combining in one building and I swear to god every time I walk into the building It it does it smells

Like sandwiches and vomit Simultaneously, did you not a pleasant smell? Did you just bathe in pepper genie? I did not I promise you I did not it is the subway bread smells. I guess it's the bread I think that must be like the yeah, I think it's the bread Do you think jared smells like that all the fucking time? Do you think? I bet jared can't get fucked for that very reason and also because he Looks like a looks like a nymph He's got all that weird hangy skin. Oh my god

You know, it's all I just hang it like if he extended his arms he could catch a breeze and fly Just float away. Goodbye kids Thank you for leaving you smell like you smell like so much pepper genie Now the air smells like it. I hate you jared Hey, listen damn flying squirrel Hey, listen, let's go. Let's make some money You Guys in the new year, you know what my big thing is

Uh, you're gonna are you gonna tell us? Yeah, I'm gonna tell you don't need to guess because that would be actually unsettling if you did Weirder fucking It's gotten so vanilla from me and all my girls That I really I want to try to integrate some new some new things All my girls and guys that i'm out there Making love to either making love to or just wait violent You are confessing to adultery on our podcast

By your wife you're like casually disgusting in fidelities Listen, these things used to seem unsettling to me. I remember being a square like you and then I bought Uh, I got myself a, uh, uh, twist of nipple sucker for 1698 extreme restraints.com That's my favorite rey steven song It opened my eyes and oh, yes, they call him the twist of niggle sucker This little beauty opened my eyes and extended my nipples And and and it was just the start of my journey and I think in 2013 I want to get I want to get like I want to see where my boundaries are

I will find your boundary in 2013 quick question. Okay does exploring Uh new outlets in the bedroom force you To cheat on your significant other No, there's no connection between the two Okay, I I just I like to murder people after sex. Whoa, that is one of the things I'm pretty sure they're playing mantis Uh, I can't believe you caught me

Uh, I scowling yard has been out for you for years. Now listen extreme restraints does not support praying mantis style murdering Your partner after your multiple then why are we talking about it during the advertisement that they paid us for? Listen, someone is calling Interpol right at this moment. Just I've got him. I got the praying mantis Uh They've got everything extreme restraints.com. They don't have I heard a rumor. They don't have lube They don't Don't get it twisted. They've got lube. They've got dungeon furniture unless you want to get it twisted at which point They have stuff for that. They do have that. They have things for getting it twisted. They have sex aids, which is not what you think

Do they have um, so I was making muffins daily and I ran out of boy butter Can I get do I have to go to the h eb to get more boy butter or can they help me out in that regard? No, you don't have to get boy butter at the store and Suffer through the judgmental looks of darling the cashier. You can get it in the privacy of your own home They have a ton of silicone. They have country cock They have country They also have I can't believe it's not butter and I also can't believe what it really is

They have uh, they have swiss navy lubricant Which is the only lubricant on the site with a confrontational picture of a man holding the bottle and stare you dead in the eye The rest of them are have the have the uh, the sense to just leave a bottle there and let you judge it on yourself That one is like you ever been fucked by a jpeg Here's this picture. Here's a great thing about extremestrace.com Uh, first off the girl on the front page is wearing a santa hat, which I think is festive Secondly, if you use the coupon code middle list, you're gonna be able to save 20% On uh on your purchases there. So

That's great I would love it if if 2013 was it went down in history as the year that began a sexual revolution um When you say began you mean you mean like continued and expanded right like what do you mean? I'm saying it's foolhardy to think that 2013 is the year when people are like first start going like I'm all right Let's try to give up our deeply Protestant almost Amish like ways

Of you know lights off You know one one position crying afterwards And we just need to like Revolution I think we need to move beyond the classic, you know dinner dancing Love making murder hide the body. I think we need to get good, but let's break our cycles this year, you know

Yeah, right. I agree for so many reasons Uh, so go to extremestrace.com Use the coupon code middleist and you're gonna save 20% And you help keep us in business you help keep them in business So it's all it's a win-win win and the third win is for how big your boner will be Or your lady boner or your lady boner if that's they have those buy one of those too. Who cares? Hey this year, I'm invited to three different new year's eve parties and I have no idea which one I should go to Here are the deets on each. Let's take turns

Party one is a fancy dinner party It's in quotes because I don't know if it's ironic fancy or genuine fancy And it's hosted by my male best friend who I've been in love with for years But he has a girlfriend now and I drink and get sad Party two involves my female best friend and some mutual friends I sort of know trekking into new york city on new years and singing and drinking our hearts out at a karaoke bar But besides my friend, I don't like many of the other people and I really can't enjoy karaoke unless I'm plastered Party one is a fancy dinner party. No, no griffin. No, I wasn't paying attention party three involves just I thought we would read them in like a random order

Okay, we did it just happened to be the first one and then the second one party three involves just hanging out A group of people I like a lot and haven't seen in ages We probably cook drink watch some bbc sherlock and maybe play some clue But this doesn't seem nearly as exciting as the other two options That's from nebulous in new jersey and you're out of your goddamn mind You have among your options A great the best party You could go I can hang out at a party that will make me sad. I can hang out with some dicks

I don't like or I can have the best night of my life watching bbc sherlock and recreating it while playing clue and getting drunk With your friends and cooking with your friends that you haven't seen in ages that you love What are you? What are you fucking like? Why are you punishing yourself? Okay to be fair I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and say I totally understand Okay hit me because new years has all of this baggage behind it where you have to feel like it was an epic thing On any other night. This would be a really clear choice But for some reason when new years rolls around I go through this too where if I'm presented with several different options But one seems more low-key than the others. I feel like I'm doing new years at a service

Interesting. Okay. I can see that I can see how you'd Want to feel connected to the world at large on and you wouldn't necessarily Uh want to hold up? I I can't think of any honestly like I I can the the new years that I proposed to my wife is the only new years I can think of that wasn't In some fashion a slight disappointment. I remember being like 12 and enjoying the shrimp plate my mother had put out That was pretty great I remember one time I was at a church lock-in at midnight and I missed the ball and stuff because I was hiding under a desk Because we were playing hide-and-go-seek

Um I know my favorite new years are always spent in my friend's basement with all my buds playing Playing games. I made an rpg maker Those are those are really good years. I'm telling you man It doesn't matter what you do Just don't be old. Just don't be old. Don't get old like us. This is I to quote Matthew mcconough. Hey, man He said man at the beginning of it. So it doesn't matter what you do, bud All that matters is who you're with when you're doing it, bud

He said again. I can't stress this enough Just don't get old don't ever get old Don't get old like us. You gotta stay young If there's younger people at one of these and they'll let you drink their youth then go to one of those Also, I want to throw this out if you don't know whether a party is ironic fancy or serious fancy You're gonna pick the wrong one By making the choice you will actually shape the party Don't just don't go to those parties go go play clue. I am always friends

I always always want to play clue and nobody likes playing it with me I would I made I've made the mistake in the past of when I was presented with several different options Attempting to do all of them in the same night. So like we go to one place from like 8 to 9 30 And then we'd travel to somewhere else for 15 minutes and be there to like 11 20 And then try to be somewhere else when the ball dropped and spend the rest of the evening there It was awful. It was a horrible decision. Yeah Travis Travis pulled the Travis pulled the Goldilocks. Hey, you didn't do a good job of it. You're not Plan on the thing give yourself permission

to To not Obsess about making the perfect choice. Just make the one that sounds like the most fun And it sounds like you've already made that decision. Yeah, you know, you know the right thing to do And you know what do me a favor also in 2013. Let go of this guy. Yeah, he does not deserve you Move on with your life. Can girl can let can Um Let go of this guy in 2013. Is that the motto? I think that's a bit wordy. I don't think we found it yet

How about just let go 2013 Let go and then we can play that fru fru song that was on the garden states That was a good. That was a good song. Could you sing a little bit of that for me? Drink up man my man. You're gonna get it in the year. You tell tell yourself. Goodbye. And then you go But it's but they put it through like a Tuning filter is what it's called. And so it sounds like uh, like microsoft sam is singing to you Get go get go jump in Give him away

See me on my way in 2013 See how I do that. I think that's just it fits every circumstance pretty sure that's the matilda soundtrack No, it's actually the george of the jungle soundtrack. Justin. Okay. No, but it's here. I'm gonna young What What the fuck is he saying there? I don't think that he knows what he's saying at that part of the song. I don't either, but I think he says frumacera at one point What language and also what does that mean in that language? Well frumacera is the ghost in piddler on the roof. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you guys know what he's actually saying there?

No Nobody safe. Nobody on I don't think that's true No, that's not true. Is it about baseball? It's about baseball. No rones. No strikes Three point three a batting average. Oh my duke's down dunks up Keep it on the paint Keep it off the tape. Oh boy. Hey Girl, if you got any more yahoos you want to do or you want to do another regular question or what? I got a lot. Um

Jesus Um, I have one about mcdonald's, but we just did fast food first down Three to go I don't think any sports commentator has ever said first down three to go This uh, yeah, who answer was also sent in by ira ray who is uh quickly becoming Who wants to know a gold member platinum platinum member justin? Are you always going to make that joke? Yes, and it's not a joke. It's a tick It's turrets basically this yahoos asked by project x who asks

How can I be more forest gump style? No, not being an artistic in the way that gump is No, not being an artistic in the way that gump is but by the way he wins respect How can I be a good person like gump is and win girls? Here you go college humor forest gump and style just go ahead. You can do that for free You can have that one I love I love when we get a question that just by asking the question negates The possibility of what the person is asking happening

What do you think the fact that he could use a computer you mean? No, I'm saying why the fact of saying how can I be more like forest gump, you know Not like artistic or anything, but just nice so girls like me and stuff. Hey, guess what that ain't happen That's the thing about gump though What of all the people to want to be like right try to get chicks Is that the only thing you want to get girls because there's like other Be like a cool rider in grease too like you could do anything There's more tom hanks characters. You could have faked. I'm gonna narrow it down

How do I be more like the guy from big there are more characters in the movie forest gump that he could have faked You could pick lieutenant tan You got that that uh the lady from sagana mario, right? He gets magic legs get magic legs. Oh spoilers Sorry guys He could be like in the movie big did you got okay? Have you guys watched big recently? No, okay? I mean I've listened Here's the thing about big that I didn't realize She She fucks a little kid. She fucks a little kid. Yeah. Mm-hmm. She has sex with

A boy and then who's a man and then watches As that man transforms into a boy in an oversized suit never addressed is the uh shortly thereafter her spiral into dementia Just must occur, right Just let and you know that mary caillaturnal uses exact excuse. Well, you don't understand you see When I met him He was a man. How was for a brief moment? He was an adult man, and it wasn't weird and then it got weird. We find the defendant Guilty

Um, you got zoltan That's nothing How was be well of the court? I wish to present my next surprise witness zoltan zoltan to the stand, please how How was big tom hanks? Comfortable enough. Oh by the way, I hope that this yahoo answers askers Okay, with the fact that we are just not going to talk about that anymore. Nope How was big tom hanks?

Already comfortable enough with his now. Okay. I need to clarify. I need to clarify something real quick before we move on Okay, do you mean tom hanks from the movie big? Is this an affectionate nickname you have for him big tom big tom. How did biggie tom in the movie big? Big tommy hanks big big tommy hanks in the movie big as tom hanks got it who he played How did you see Like that really happened at tom hanks you guys it's basically true story How did he get comfortable enough with his man dick to like know how to use it on a woman and not be like um Oh no

He was thinking about baseball during sex because like that's all that he he was 12 That and that's what 12 year olds think about his baseball He was also thinking about power rangers. How much game does it? I don't think a little kid could grow up that many years that that quickly and then like two weeks later Be like fucking a grown woman and know like what to do down there I don't I don't know. He's just getting used to having hair down there. Oh god, you know the issues too If you had a weird tom hanks bush just sprout up like Let's talk more about tom hanks's pees

What do you think Does kerns match the drapes Have you guys seen cloud atlas yet? He sculpts his bush into eight different characters bushes And depending on if his bush is good or bad. He either moves up or down the scale Oh my god, he had to wear hammer pants on this set of cast away He's so method he refused to trim his own bush Mr. Mr. Hanks big tommy

Hair and makeup and downstairs hair is ready for you You can go back to your trailer, please forever It's in every contract though, like if you want tom hanks, I'll cut it with his bush. I'll cut it with a ice skate. No Tom You don't have to During the filming of joe versus volcano. He was just constantly terrified. He just didn't want to burst into flames out there Highly highly flammable. Do you think you had a weird crew cut down there during force gump? Oh, yeah Oh, man

Cut it clean high and tight It's it now. I'm just kidding you would never trim his peeps. No Well, then he loses his power right His his affability is tied to his pubic samson Sorry pubic samson pubic samson got it Got it his affability comes From the length of his pubes and if you try to trim him down You get uh, you know, you get a you get a angels and demons or a da Vinci kid

You let him grow and and and get crazy down there. You know, you get yourself, uh Uh, uh, what's a good? What's a good time? It's bachelor party. It's a bachelor party. Okay money. Yeah, I get a bachelor party now in the polar express Will there be digital pubes? Well, I will there be some sort of animator some sort of artist They actually wanted to do the polar express In 1994 and the technology could do everything Except individually render tom haggis pubes underneath and then a little company called pixar came along And developed really advanced pubes technology. They originally were dicks are and then they switched

In the movie toy story From certain angles in certain lights When the light is cast in a certain way across the woody Figuring maybe when he's looking at the bottom of his shoe, we get a little pink of his jeans To infinity and beyond indeed you could get lost in there now. I want pubes too tim allen says Tim are you just reading my favorite children's book? Man that was a good blu-ray the the toy story blu-ray. Mm-hmm. Oh with with hd. You can really see the bush Oh, man. Yeah, it's a righteous bush. I think everybody

Came into this came into this episode without having a new year's resolution And now their new year's resolution is to stop listening to my brother And to try to erase the last 10 minutes from their memories Good luck never gonna god This is gonna be one of those running gags that i'm gonna get real Real tired of anytime with tom hanks movies on tv Someone tweeting at me about the size of this bush. I can see it. I can see it. You're right. I can't see it Whatever you do. Listen people at home whatever you do all jokes aside. Do not stare deeply into it

Don't you'll see your own death All that i'm saying is that tom hanks has never gone full frontal in the movie We've been waiting for it god knows what he can't when he when he does it looks like he's wearing fur pants That's what i'm saying is that we have no way of disproving this He was actually full frontal through most of the burbs. You just the camera Was such a way. Okay the camera adds 10 pounds to your bush. I'm done. Okay. That's it. We're done This is my been my brother my brother and me uh an advice show for the modern era Thank you so much for tuning in yet again. God knows why you do um

If you're uh, if you're gonna get fit the new year, I would highly recommend heading over to uh fitocracy.com fitocracy.com we got on my brother my brother meet group there to search for it Yeah, we can all uh, we we got 135 members right now with 6 000 workouts between them So if you want to get fit come on join the group. Um, i'm gonna hop back in there Try to get fit first of the year travel. I know you're working out some you should Yeah, I feel like that's cheating though because I like do it a lot. Is that what you're supposed to do? Yeah, you're supposed to uh, you log your workouts and then you get points For everything you do and you can like level up in your fitness

It seems like something you would you would dig trap. Um, but anyway, that's fitocracy.com and just search for my brother my brother meet in the groups. Um Thank you everybody. Sorry trap. I was just gonna say and guys in all seriousness Go check out extremistrains if you still have at this point. They're awesome and they are just sponsoring us They send us nice emails all the time and talk about how great all of our listeners are and how happy they are to be like advertising and God knows we're happy too. So so go check it out extremistrains.com. Keep on code middle list. We love you Um, thank you to everybody tweeting about the show. Thank you to dcby11 Uh, nicola courtney cave child hallways coymoore uh, alex solok

sergeant smitty space invader pop-out esquire every bear kith and kin books just think Uh, everybody who who listens to the show and tweets about it and helps us spread the word um bit.ly forward slash it's mabin bam is the link to our sampler. I'm gonna update that this year If you would like to suggest something get a form going on a

maximumfun.org in our forum section, uh, just get a thread of those Bits you'd like to see included for the sampler and I'll check that out and see which one you guys like while you're there While you're on the maximumfun.org Uh, go listen to the other shows on the network. Stop stop podcasting yourself throwing shade jordan jesse go judge john hodgeman risk the memory palace all bullseye all great Great programs for your ears, and they're all free. So go go listen to those And in 2013 one of our new year's resolutions is we're gonna try to do more live shows because we've really been slacking off Um, and so if you have suggestions for either cities, we should do it in or venues

We can do it in in those cities to make sure to post those on the forum as well. Just don't be a dick about it We're not coming to buffalo. You know, come on. Come on. We're we're busy guys. That's bush league I want to thank I can't even hear that word anymore I want to thank john rogerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song It's an departure which is on the album putting the days to bed Which you can find online and uh, you should you should buy and listen to i've actually got back into it I don't know why I got the bug maybe it's because I listened to John rogerick and john colton's christmas album, which justin got me for christmas. Thank you jesse

You are very welcome Um, there's also a t-shirt. There's a t-shirt in the box. Um, and just thank you everybody seriously It's been the best year ever. Yeah, you guys are the best Um, thanks for sticking with us. Sorry. We don't have a new official model But we'll find it in 2013. We'll come up with something. We'll come up with something. Um I really like keep it on the paint as it can apply to like so many things Just find yahu answer was sent in by christopher cook. Thank you christopher It's by yahu answers user indian government sucks who asks

How brits can live in uk which is full of haunted house Um, just a macaroon This has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips You