My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 135: TWENTY-DIRT

Episode Date: January 7, 2013

We apologize for the audio in this week's episode -- not because we all sound bad, but because Justin sounds so good that it makes the other two sound like chumps. Also, we talk about Wienerville for about ten minutes, which probably also constitutes "bad audio." Suggested talking points: Justin's Jaundice, Green Acres, Furry Church, Po-Ta-Toes, BIKE ME, Justin's Sidewalk of Stars, Visible Puppetry, A Glowing Piece of that Radical Rock

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my brother, my brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your super smooth, totally great host with the best pipes in the biz, Justin McElroy, oldest brother. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby, Griffin. Justin, I can hear your individual vocal chords slapping

against each other, like two wet hams, just slap, slap, slapping away. Yeah, over the Christmas break, I took a lot of classes in how to get that deep rich sound that all the radio babes crave. Was that taught by the Wolfman on W-A-M-X? That's taught by Dr. Wolfs. My wolf is dying. He's the wolfiest guy that is around. Why do you sound the way that you do? I've got a great, I've got a new microphone for Christmas, and it's a grown-up microphone that's plugged into like a mixing board that gives me full control over the sound. So if I want to go like full high on the EQ, let me check the EQ. It sounds like you're coming from the future. I am, Travis, and in the future, I have full control

over the EQ. Okay, did you make it sound like you're in a box? What? Make it sound like you're in a box. Make it sound like I'm in a box. Okay, the one thing I tell you is I forgot to monitor myself, so I don't know what any of this sounds like. Well, now I'm more like an old-timey radio. Now I'm over here. Now you've disappeared. Now I'm over here in your left ear. Okay, so don't go back to the right ear because there's nothing for us. I'm gonna get like a nice healthy blend here. Can you put on an old-timey prospector filter? Yeah, hold on one second. All right, good for when you're editing this. Just make it sound like I'm an old-timey prospector. I should be able to do that in the basic version of audacity that I have. Probably has that capability.

This is only the middle. What's in the middle? What does this sound like? Nothing good. It sounds like a Tally Hall record. Yeah, this is great. So you have a stewed now. Can you welcome people in your office and say welcome to the stewed? Welcome to the stewed. Here's my four-channel mixing board. You are not going to sound great, I bet, for the rest of the podcast because of this goof. No, I think it will sound really good because I will get a good balance right now. I am going to take that bass up a little bit because it is like testosterone on a dial. Yeah, you're basically pushing the end of your penis outwards. You're pushing it. You're stretching the flesh. As it were. Did you guys introduce yourselves in the shit?

Yeah, you were so busy with your knobs and your doodads. I was really busy with them. Is it going to be bad that we don't have doodads in what's its galore? Yeah, comparatively, you will sound like bug kings. You'll sound like the omnipotent rulers of some sort of bug kingdom. I am drinking cucumber lime Gatorade. Whoa. I bought it because it was green and green beverages are usually a surefire hit. Just asked Dr. Mountain Dew. Dr. Mountain Dew. Have you guys said Dr. Mountain Dew? I can't believe it. That's the big K version of Mountain Dew. I can't believe it's not copyright infringed. Oh god, this tastes like fresh squeezed juice but without all of the

shit inside of it. That's supposed to be good for you. It tastes like the ghost of fresh squeezed juice. Yeah, it's like if you put juice in a centrifuge. But I'm talking like that juice that you make in a juicer with kale and so on. By the way, thanks for the juicer, Justin. I'm getting deep into it. You're really getting deep into it because you're in the store of cucumber Gatorade. Can't make it my own. What do you juice to get electrolytes? A light bulb? Bigger electrolytes. But then you have to deal with the rind. I think you just put batteries in there. Yeah, that'll work. Let's do advice. Let's do advice. I'm on a new health kick. Oh, so let's talk about that instead. Sorry. Is that good? It's just I've been mixing oatmeal

in the centrifuge. Well, that'll do it. You get full real fast. You get full so fast. That sounds like something you would do in the Depression. Yeah, you thin out your turnips. Oh, it's World War II rationing all over again. No, no, those are all olives. If you slop some oatmeal onto like some ribs and do like a dry rub, it makes the ribs healthier for your tummy and heart. I mixed them into some yogurt with some craisans today and it was very filling and not a food. Now, Justin, I want you to be honest. When you say you got into a health kick of mixing, mixing oatmeal into stuff, do you mean you put some in your yogurt this morning and that was it? No, I don't think so. Okay. Yes. Correct. That is correct. But I've been on this

health. I'm trying to just, I've tried everything. I've tried everything to lose weight. Have you tried like eating healthy food and working out? That's my new thing. That's my new jam. Because I feel like when you say you tried everything, you mean just eating bacon. His last ditch effort. I mean, all hope was lost. I just don't understand what you- Nothing left to lose. Why didn't you stick with ketosis? You looked so jaundiced. When you were on that ketosis- You had such a healthy yellow glow. You had, especially around your neck when it was like a darker orange. Oh, God, you looked amazing. I thought about it, Griffin, and I realized that even though I felt terrible, it was dying.

It was dying. I thought, you know, someday I want to be able to look at my kid in the eye, and when they look back at me, I don't want them to see two weird lemons staring back at them. So I'm just going to go ahead and try to- And eat a vegetable or two. You don't have resilience. I think it was Kate Moss who said, nothing tastes as good as jaundice looks. Right. I think that was correct. All right, let's actually help some people. Travis, I don't like the font you used in the email this week. Well, blame one on my new iPad mini, Justin. Did you arrange on your iPad mini? I did. That's pretty cool. Let's just not have the sexy sex appeal that you expect from an eye product.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. We both see ourselves in it for the long haul. But when we talk about the future, I want to live in a beautiful apartment in the city, and he wants to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods. While I support being self-sustaining, I still want all the cushy amenities of life. Is there a compromise here? What would you do? Vext in Vancouver. So you want the stores. He wants the chores and the bores, the wild bores. He wants fresh air. You want Times Square. He wants Arnold the pig and you want to eat Arnold the pig. I didn't watch- I never saw that show. Did not see Green Acres myself. Yeah, never. You got a Green Acres scenario going on here. I feel like the solution is easy. You just live

off the grid in a cabin in the city. I'm trying to find your apartment and I got it. I'm lost. I'm adjacent to where you said it would be, but I don't see anything here. I feel like my mind has been clouded and I cannot see it. If only I could see through the haze. You're saying you want some sort of hologram magic- Hologram magic. That you want to wrap around. Well, mine was more of a reference to the hit movie The Shadow starring Alec Baldwin. No? Just me? No. Just you? Got it? Okay. Eddie Albert was of course the star of Green Acres and I don't have a point. Fuck. I think anytime someone says the phrase I want to live off the grid, it's a little bit weird to me to begin with. Well, everybody wants to vacation off the grid. Right. Well, yeah,

but you don't want to live off the grid. Well, that's it. I guess if you want, if you don't want to impact this relationship that you treasure so much, which by the way, three years and no ring on it, sweetie. Lock it down. Lock it in and up. Wear a locket. Wear a locket. I think you got, I think you got to give in. I think you acquiesce and I think you live off the grid for like two weeks and he's like, this fucking sucks. Can we please keep your apartment? Okay, let's just put it that way. I just pooped outside for the 28th time. You want to go? Why don't you just like have an off the grid vacation home? Yeah. See, that seems like rational to me. Get it like a split, a time splitter with a bunch of other young professionals or get a split level, live half

the home on the grid and the other half is off the grid. Hey, should we go downstairs have some coffee? Uh, I don't have a downstairs. I don't, I don't know. Please don't look at that door. Door, it's covered in ivy. There's no downstairs. I think when these people say, That's Fred Penner's place. You guys understand that when these people say off the grid, they're talking about like no power internet, not that they live in a fucking invisible house, right? Because you guys know that that's not a goddamn thing that people can do even when they're in the woods. Hey Griffin spoiler, it sounds a good god deal more plausible than living without electricity and plumbing. Okay. For me, I would much rather like try to find a fantasy castle.

You would have better odds of finding me in a mystical, uh, uh, some sort of illusory, time traveling magic castle than find me voluntarily without the creature comfort to which I bet come accustomed. I feel like the next time your boyfriend brings it up, I think your response should be, Oh, so you want to break up because I guarantee living together for a solid month with nothing else to do but stare at each other until the sun goes down at six o'clock and then go to sleep. We'll kill each other. Yeah. I just saw Lincoln. Um, and that's basically what happened to the old, to old Abe and Mary. So he just like, even when he was the president, he's still living in a goddamn ramshackle shack. And all they could do is like look at each

other and like count how many of their sons are dead. So like they just lost their goddamn minds. Well, she, she more than him. She literally did. He, well, he more literally lost his mind, but she, yeah, she done, she done goofed mentally. And I think it really is just because you, it's just the stair down and you just, you lose it. You can't go, you got to stay in the city. That's what internet, that's what iPad and iPhone is for. He says like another face that you can look at for a while. Just some other palette cleanser from Mary Lincoln. And Mary Lincoln in the real was not a beautiful woman. Yeah. Not like Sally Fields. Nice try, Steve. Nice try, Steve Spielberg. I see through your ruse. Here's a Mary Lincoln. You'll want to fuck.

Nice try. Nice try. Nice try. First he tries to, first he tries to make Val Kilmer into Moses and now this. You guys see Prince of Egypt? We're all on the same level. Is it the same Skype call? I guess. You don't want to do this. I'm, I'm, I'm so rare. I'm all for finding balance in relationships, but I find living off the grid so personally offensive that I don't think I can, I can endorse compromise here. I feel like it would be the kind of thing if my significant other brought up, I would just laugh and then be horrified when I realized they weren't joking. Yeah. It'd be like the breakest of deal breakers. Could you just get a house with a big backyard and then in that big backyard, you can do projects and build himself a little hut.

He can make, he can make it. Oh, like a house with a bomb shelter. Yeah. Or a doomsday proper shelter, which I guess is something. Maybe like a farm property. Yep. So where you, like you could have a nice farm house with all the modern amenities and he could, although you know what, like even that's not, she wants that big city life. Yeah. I don't think it's gonna work. I don't think it's gonna work. I'm sorry. This probably isn't the advice you're looking for, but it's over between the two of us. Sorry guys. We, we actually are just going to go ahead and officially proclaim you guys broken up. Yeah. He had a good run. I don't know. Maybe when you apparently wish in the whole time that no one could find him, he's playing his own game

of hide and seek with the world. He knows that once he's on the grid, like you're on it. I watch Homeland. Okay. You're on it. They can find you. Um, can I read a Yahoo? Please. This is Yahoo. Answer was sent in by Ira Ray. Thanks, Ira. It's by Yahoo. Answers user. No name. Sorry. Sorry. Are you Ira Ray? Thank you. Who wants to know? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. No name asks, is it acceptable to wear a snuggie in church? Have you ever seen anyone wearing a snuggie in church? Do you wear one? If I went to church, I think it would be nice to snuggle up in the pew with your snuggie in Bible. They should make them in religious theme prints for that purpose.

I know somebody who wears a snuggie in church. Who's that? Uh, maybe you've met him. He's called the Pope. Pope's been wearing a snuggie for all of his papal days and no one's called him out on it yet. He's infallible and he's unsnugglable. He's so comfortable. I think, I think when you're wearing a snuggie, you are literally the snuggliest you could ever be. But what, ooh, what if they made a, I just had a great idea to like facilitate snuggling? What if you had a snuggie, but it ran around, it went around your entire body and you could even get fun with it and like make it like the shape of an animal. Wait, no snuggies already go around your entire body? No, no, your hands and your face and instead of a face,

you would have like a wolf's, like a sexy wolf face. You're talking about a furry. No, I think what he's, no, no, I'm talking about a full body snuggie suit with animal, with animal skin. So you dress up as an animal and go to church. Basically, that's basically what I'm saying. That's what I say. We have, listen, we have come out in full support of basically every imaginable type of subgroup of people ever. So I'm not knocking, I'm not knocking furries, I swear to you, but is there a furry church? But okay, because here's my point. I love steampunk. I don't want to see, you know, Dr. Lazerbeam rolling up to church with his girlfriend in her parasol. I talk about Hazel, you know what I mean?

Like time and place people. I'm changing churches unless you make Zeppelin parking. Where am I supposed to leave it? It's a giant balloon. This is my steampower praying machine. You put your wish into this canister. If I, I would shoot you, sir, if I wasn't out of water. Um, Travis, where does your zealotry end? If I can't steampunk in church, can I wear shorts? Am I allowed to wear shorts to your church? You know, it's funny you asked that, but it gave me really strong shivers to picture it. Yeah. Not in my church. Maybe some of those lucid northern Baptist church. Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. But in my church, full suits of armor. Is there a furry church? We didn't answer the question. I guess we have to

answer the first answer to the question if there's a furry heaven in hell. Well, yes, it's in a regular heaven in hell. I guess that's true. I want to go to furry church now. I want to go to furry heaven, but let's, let's get back to Snuggies because I feel like we've made Justin uncomfortable. I think Justin's left. I think Justin might have switched to nozzle. He might have flipped a flanger. Oh, I'm still here. What happened? My cat took a dump in here and I'm dying. I'm trying to like listen to this goop and pick back up on the goop and like I'm trying to also light a sense. Now, this is important. Is it the calf that you have that is approximately three apples long or is it the 600 pound sea cow with furry legs? Is it fatty catty or is it nervous

Nellie? I'm going to say it's the skinny one because they got it. It was like a stealth mish. They got in and out and I didn't, I didn't get them until I started getting into my old factories. Oh God. It's so dirty in here. I have to find a candle. Say something funny. Oh Christ. I mean everybody, everybody who in their choir robes, which I'm assuming is at this church because if your choir is not wearing robes, what do you even do in there? Jesus can't hear the singing if they're not wearing robes. Spray some old spice Fiji body spray. They're blending. Stop doing aerosol alchemy. Can you not? It's sort of like physical therapist and cat food in here and I hate it. It's like Jim Bro. Let's do the next question. Okay. Oh,

I got a question. How do you get the cat poopy smell out of your house when you're trying to do comedy? This is a really good idea. The room in your house that you work out of and spend most of your time, maybe don't put like shit receptacle for any living being in it. You have full control over where that shit occurs. It all started because I had to keep the little one locked in here to keep it separate from the big one. So I put the dookie box in here and then I realized like I should move it out of here because I'm in here. Yeah. But then like I'm so worried is like the cat like Amelia will be like, well, I always stay here before sorry. Didn't have that magic dirt. I'm a cat. Come on Hemingway. My favorite sensey. Don't let me down now.

Let the smooth blend of sandalwood and fucking cherries wash over me and save me from this. I don't think that's what Hemingway smelled like. I'm trying so hard, Justin. Hemingway probably smelled like probably like pipe smoke and boner cream. Save me, Papa. I'm gonna light a pipe. That's a good idea. Hey, brothers, should I? Hey, brothers, should I eat mashed potatoes with a fork or a spoon? That's from Mash in Kentucky. With a fork. With a fork, right? I mean, that's the proper I feel like if you eat them with a spoon, you're that's that's like the snuggie of eating. That's a good joy. It's like giving up. You're giving up. Like you're not eating it like a gentleman. Hey, I don't know. There's something about smooth. It's like I need to get this in me as fast as possible.

And I also don't have the coordination to stab something. Right. Right. I just a real quick follow up question. Did you even watch Kony 2012? Mash in Kentucky? Is this really the most fucking pressing pressing? We are the goddamn Wizards of Oz and you come to us with your one wish. You come to us. You have been blessed to have us answer your one riddle. And this is it. This is what you landed on. Don't you guys wish you could have been with Kony on New Year's Eve? Because you know he had to be like five, four, three, two. Yeah. Not this year. Not this year. Trust fun babies. You can't come get Kony now. Who's going to pick up Kony 2013? No, but he had a whole year named after him to tribute like just to catching Kony. That's the one thing we had to do this year.

He's out and he's done for good. Can we maybe that should be it's getting worse. That should be our annual motto that we still haven't come up. Is Kony, let's seriously know Kony 2013. This time for sure. Kony, oh man. See, I gave Griffin one this weekend, but I don't think he liked it. I was lukewarm on it. Oh, what was it? 2013. Get it out. Dig it up. Get it out. Get the dirt out. It's dirt teen. And like dirt teen would be the hashtag. Nobody's using it. We'd have like full, full control over dirt teen. And like we were all about getting it. And now you've got it. What do you do with it? You gotta get the dirt out. Well, you know, someone else, I saw somebody post on Twitter, 20 did. Well,

that's, I like it to be a little bit more active, a little proactive, you know. Well, it's, I think I take it this way. So you can say what you did. Right. But if you chill on it for a second, if you stop for a second and you turn your eyes away from the heavens and in front of you, if your feet in front of you and you look behind you, you're going to trip and you're going to die. Yep. I don't want to take a moment to rest on our laurels. You might as well be eating mashed potatoes with a spoon. Yeah, that's not somebody who's active. That's not somebody who's there to get it. I eat mashed potatoes with a knife. Well, okay, the annualized motto question is so important. So let's knock this mashed potatoes bullshit out of the way real quick. You're going to eat it with

a fork because it's there with something that you're also eating with a fork and you're not going to put down that fork that you're eating turkey or ham or steak with to pick up like you're not going to take the time to manually reach down and switch tools. You're just going to eat it with the fork and the spoon is going to go unused. Right. That's, that sounds like the perfect. You'll try to eat soup with that fucking fork if it means you don't have to go back down and do a switcheroo. That sounds like the, yes, you're a hundred percent right. Nailed it. Nailed it. Now about 2013. Now I've seen people say that 20 bakers does, which I like. I like that, but like it's right there. I don't feel that it has anything contextually to do with any kind of message,

unless our suggestion is that in 2013, everyone should become bakers. My problem with 2013 is that it makes us sound fucking stupid every time we say it. How many is this, 13? It is a 13 year. I don't think we would, I don't think we would say the 20. Why not just, I mean, before it's 20 dozen and we said 20 does, why not just 20 dirt? 20 dirt. No, I like that. 20 dirt, I like a lot. Griffin, how do you feel about 20 dirt? I don't know how I feel. It made me giggle. You feel strongly about it. You just don't know strongly. I was halfway there with 2013 and Travis had to come take you home to 20 dirt. Okay, but here's the problem though. What if someone's dirt is like, I fucked my dog 10 years

ago? Like that dirt, just keep it in. Well, that's been weighing it on their shoulders then. We've always been crushing them. We've always been about honesty and we've always been about forthrightness and about getting it off your chest and getting it out there. And this is the year that we crystallize that, formalize it and euthanize it and really say dirt, 20 dirt. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out in 20 dirt. Get it out, dig it out. Dig it up, set it free. Wash it out, eat it out. Don't eat it out. Don't eat it. That's dirty. Don't eat it out. Brush it off, blow it. Blow it. Spray it. Stop formatted. Put it back into the NES. See if it plays. 20 dirt. 20 dirt. Okay. I'll go there with you. All right. I frequent a nearby arcade and when

I'm there, I like to play some of the games that give tickets a reward such as SkiBall. However, as a grown man, I have absolutely no use for these tickets whatsoever. I usually look for the nearest child at the end of the day and hand them a fistful of tickets to brighten their day. However, I am worried this makes me look like a creeper. Is it acceptable to do? Should I just leave the tickets in the machine for kids to stumble upon themselves or should I stop doing this entirely and just leave with a handful of spider rings every time? That's from no tiki, no problem. All right. Okay. Straight up. Yeah. This is one of the problems I think of the modern age and it really frustrates me. In what way is giving a child the tickets you're not going to use creepy?

Well, Chuck, that is the problem of the modern age is that everybody thinks that everyone else is trying to fuck them constantly. Right? Constantly. I was just playing croquet in the park and a dude walked by with his dog and I had to grab, I gripped my mallet. I gripped my mallet in a stance that made me look threatening in case he tried to come over and get some touch. You're dirty, you're ass god. Now, did you steal or spilled my mimosa? You almost spilled my cucumber soda. I'm trying to play croquet over here. Why hand juice that? I think that problem is certainly, certainly exacerbated when you have a child because you better believe if I have my child and I was teaching him the

betters of croquet, I was teaching him the rules and proper etiquette of hammer. While still not disturbing the plate of cucumber sandwiches. Correct. The croquet. The croquet of it all and a person came within my line of sight. I would probably just chase them down and beat them to death with a hammer. Yeah. Yeah. Now, just so I can double check, you felt threatened at a moment when you had a giant wooden hammer in your hand. Is that just so I'm clear about the situation you found or something? But I was wearing like a headscarf to protect myself from the sun's rays. So the two really cancel each other out. Right. You were worried that you might get confused and actually hit him with the parasol you were holding in your hand. I was delicately dabbing the corners

of my mouth with a pocket square. You had no free hand to clap. Exactly. I get it. I was also singing a little song. I was singing the most foppish song I could think of. You noticed that only one of your loafers actually had a penny slid inside of it. You made a note to burn them when you got home. Yeah. I understand why you think it's creepy and as much as I'd like to say, well, you know, sorry, society. This seems like one where you just kind of kind of hope that things change. I have two solutions for you. One, people have had children for worse reasons. If you have your own kids, then you can give them all your tickets. People have had kids for worse reasons than that. Okay. That's number one. Number two, there are prizes

that every kid goes in and they look and they play. They had a cast party there. They had a post-soccer party. I know where you're going with this and I love it. You look at it and you're like, oh my God, a bike? Who has enough to get a bike? There's no way I could ever save up 10,000 tickets. That's astronomically high. You could be a guy who comes in one day with a laundry basket full of tickets and dumps it out and say, I'll take the bike and you can ride this stubby little 10 speed out the door while kids are cheering like, yeah, he did it. This was for us. They take down the bike and there's just like a dirt imprint around it where it's just been on the wall for so long. You would be too excited when you handed over that laundry hamper of tickets.

You would be too excited to just say, I'll have the bike. You would involuntarily shout like, eat my dick. Eat my dick, tilt. Give me that shit. Bike me. Get up. Bike me, dick. Or you just go in with your laundry basket, but you're so excited you get all tongue-tied and you go, all the rings. It's legally binding. Let's you say it. I'll have three and a half miles of Laffy Taffy. Fuck, I love those jokes. I specifically told myself not to say. I was just thinking, don't say that about the Laffy Taffy. Hey, deal weed. I'll take the electronic battleship. Please. I'll take the 13 inch. Don't mind. I'll take the 13 inch TV that you can plug into your cigarette lighter for before. I think wasn't at the at the pub, a Gino's pub in Huntington,

West Virginia. Wasn't the big prize a Lincoln town car? Or am I making that up? You are high. So fucking high, sir. There is no thing like that. Yeah, I swear. For 14, 14 and a half million tickets. I was just there. Now you do run the risk of this is the problem is that like arcades in this culture, they're they're closing. We just lost tilt at the Huntington Mall. What if I had, what if I had been saving up? That shit is not transferable. There's not a Swiss bank account where you can deposit all your tickets when tilt goes out of biz. That's why you go to Mr. Gatties. Little dongle. They accept all tickets at Gatties. They're not choosy. That's actually their motto. Fuck it. We'll take them. Gatties. Our pizza's garbage, but we'll each will take your tickets.

All we have is Laffy Taffy, though. What you definitely don't want to do is leave the tickets in the machine and let kids get them because you are going to get so many fucking orbits. You're going to get so many clingers and barnacles that will just like rush in and then they'll get shitty about it. They'll just like stand behind you and be like 900 points. That's the best you could do. Scott. I did have my eye on a slap bracelet. Thanks, Scott. One of those fucking styrofoam airplanes, but I guess this is just going to go ahead and be the worst birthday ever. Thanks, Scott. Sorry, you couldn't ski ball better, idiot. Oh, Scott. I'll just call my dad and tell him to pick me up now, Scott, because this obviously

isn't your hot day, Scott. You could just tear him up in front of the kids. Oh, man. Burn him in the parking lot. Hey, kids, go ride in the parking lot. I still don't want to show you. All these tickets I've collected. Well, if you're worried about creeping kids out, I think walking backwards with a fistful of tickets into the parking lot screaming, follow me into the parking lot. That dog probably won't like it. The liar. Come on, kids. You could pile them up in your back seat and have a lot of awkward conversations. Do you want some tickets? Do you want some tickets for next time?

You know, it would actually be great. I mean, it would be better if we thought of this a month ago, but like a tree garland. Beautiful. That would be very nice. That would be tasteful. You know, at the Geno's Pub and Family Fun Center on Fifth Avenue, you can't give the guy tickets. The guy won't count your tickets. Right. You have to feed them the magic counter thing. Yeah, you got to feed them in the machine. Do you know why? Because we're living in a really bad time period where hard work is not valued. Well, and also because that man doesn't know maths.

Hey, I used to be that man. Yeah. We need to move on. Do we want to go? Yeah, let's count all the money that we made. Who's in our magic mirror today? Who's getting the special treatment? I'm throwing it out to Joshua Colt Kelly. Cool name, Josh. I think he has to be a cowboy with that name. With a name like that, he's like a train robber.

Fucking three people that are trying to get in, and I think they're trying to cram it on us. To Joshua Kelly and Colt from Three Ninjas? Or Colt McCoy, the footballman. There's a football man named Colt McCoy. This message comes from Brick, Cam, Adam, Yassir, and Jones. I'm telling you two of those people know Josh. One knows Colt and two know Kelly.

I'm telling you we are getting fucked. Why are you sure we're changing Colt? Colt might know all of them. Maybe one of them knows Josh and Kelly, and the rest are friends with Colt, and they're like, well, if you want to get on the Colt train. Now, this is, okay, this is answered in the next section. Happy birthday, Josh, from Brick, Cam, Adam, Yassir, and Jones. Please enjoy these finally crafted jokes we've purchased for you.

Brothers, make funny goops, especially Griffin. Oh, there's like, this is an instruction. Here. Now, I want to point out we got a follow-up email to correct the fact that they spelled it crafterd, but that's all I can think of from this entire email is finally crafted jokes. I'm just thinking about how we're getting shortchanged. If you guys just make this right, send us like an extra few bingies, and we'll be cool. Toss a few bingies our way, we'll be straight.

Just give us some tiny famous dogs. Speaking of tiny famous dogs. Extremestrates.com is your home for bone. It's a new thing I came up with. Your home for bone. This is the one day of the week when I get to go to a site with naked ladies on it, and my wife can't get mad when she checks my eye history. When you say eye history, do you mean she has doctor skills to go in and look at everything

you looked at with your eyes? Exactly, precisely. Bondage bed sheets, it may be a way for you and your partner to start exploring the exciting world of S&M that you may have heard of in the hit novel, 50 Shades of Grey. Isn't every bed sheet a bondage? I almost said, eat, pray, love. The author of Eat, Pray, Love listens to our podcast. Psycho-sex rom.

The hit psycho-sexual Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert, if you have any to stick with it and are still listening, consider, I'm not telling you how to do your work, because you're obviously very good at it. But if you could work like some crazy fucking into the next book. Or maybe like Eat, Pray, Love sexing. Eat, Pray, Love this butthole. Eat, Pray, Love shower. The handy snatch masturbator is a mouthful to say and dickful to have sex with.

Oh man, I thought I could finish it, but this is a dickful. My dick is bigger than my eyes or something. I am stuffed into this realistic feeling, latex. Ladies, I don't mean to brag, but my dick's bigger than my eyes. If you put them together, it would be bigger than the two of them. Then there's the mouth thruster masturbator, which is just a mouth and a tongue. It's kind of horrifying, like a cast off from Momentshawns. You can put your finger in it or something that's not your finger where the P comes out.

You can get all of this and more extremestrace.com. And if you use the coupon code middleist, you can save 20% on the tight pleasures masturbator, which is a tiny boob you hang on your dick. Guys, you're welcome. You're welcome. Good extreme restraints ads from the show is like slam poetry. When we are on and the cadence of it is the meter, it's poignant, powerful. This is breaking.

Just breaking, breaking in. Come in. Come in. Can you read me? Can you read me? You don't. I've got to, this is urgent, urgent dispatch about Michael Keaton. Got a Keaton update for you from Sam.

Coming in at latest word from Sam, he says, I just listened to the candle nights podcast where you're asking about the whereabouts of Michael Keaton. I work in the actual food store in Bozeman, Montana, where he frequently shops when he is in Montana at his ranch at the Paradise Valley about 40 miles from Bozeman. Although I do not know him personally, he seems to be doing fine. He's still buying expensive foods such as fish that cost 25 pounds. 25 dollars a pound.

I did want to take a quick, quick break from my break to say, is there not some sort of fish selling fish purchaser or confidentiality here? Is this not a private exchange? Yeah. When I went at the natural food store. More importantly, what the fuck kind of fish cost 25 dollars a pound? I'll take two pounds of the goldfish, please. He comes in with a ball cap and sunglasses no matter what time of day.

Despite the picture I'm paying of him, he's actually a really nice guy, courteous. He looks in the eye when speaking to him. As far as his work record, I know he was in the other guys. That is the most recent thing I can remember, which is in 2010. Just want to give you the info on the little bit I know about Michael Keaton to help you sleep at night. That's from Sam.

Sam, thank you for that Keaton update. If you are in a position to update us on Michael Keaton's whereabouts, we would ask that you please do it. I've got a big map on the wall and I'm putting push pins in it. So far, I've got one in Bozeman, Montana. I don't want a shelf. Can you put two in Gotham? I don't want a shelf.

It seems to be a very promising bit, but I saw that motherfucker on this silver screen in a trailer for the new Superman movie. Play Superman's dad. You dumb motherfucker. Do you mean Kevin Costner? Now, listen to what I did. Listen to what I did. Listen to what I did.

Hold on. Can you give me two minutes to do six degrees? Michael Keaton was in the Keaton Costner transposition. Keaton was in Batman, the first Batman. Okay, got it. With Flapjack Nicklesack. Jack Nickles, is it with a golden bear? Flapjack was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

I'm done. Okay, I did real quick. I did want to double check this. So I went to IMDb and the most recent things I looked at are John the Taylor Thomas and Michael Keaton, apparently. Justin's own Sidewalk of Stars. I only use IMDb when I'm doing the show. And when he's worried about the safety of an actor.

Just when I'm sure it's okay. Don't you guys worry about like, like we got worried about French tour and then he made a comeback? He made a big comeback. I'm actually, I'm very ashamed of how often I use IMDb to check this. See if someone has died in the last year or not and I just missed it. Yeah, happens a lot. You should, you should, you should probably be.

Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, yeah, I do. This yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray. By the way, everybody sent in really great questions this week. Like I got a ton of really good submissions, but I've only read two Ira Ray's in a row, but that's just because they're really good. Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers User.

Question mark who asks, Is it weird that my BF wants a puppet show for his 30th birthday? Whoa. He's never wanted anything before and if I ever ask, he says nothing. But today he said very seriously that he would love so much to have a puppet string, a string puppet show perform for his birthday. Should I book him one or is it weird for him to want that? Oh my God, what if it's a test?

Or what if he's just a psychopath, which seems, It's one of those two. I've never, Diane, I've never asked you for anything. But I'm turning 30 and I'm going to blow it out in style. I want to have a man put his hand in some socks and entertain me and all my closest friends. Bring me some napery. Bring me a foppish fos. Go down to the corner, bring me the punch and duty man.

How come you come here and entertain me with a shoe? What do you mean? That's not a thing. What isn't this Victorian England? I could just picture Diane just every day. What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? I want nothing. For 29 years, for 29 years, nothing. And then I think, okay, you want to know? You want to know puppet? Go into the street and bring me a jack-o-nape.

I shall instruct him. In the ways? Maybe her constant badgering has just broken his mind. To me, the upsettingness of puppets is inversely proportionate to the extent to which I can see the puppeteer. If I can't see the puppeteer at all, fine. Take me away. King Friday in the land of make-believe.

That's fine. Whisk me away. If I can see a grown adult man manipulating this cloth and trying to trick me, I hate that. So you had huge problems with, like, welcome to Wienerville. Pretty sure everybody has huge problems with Wienerville, but Justin, can I ask, is your deep-seated hatred of visible puppetry? Does it boil down to the fact that you just don't like seeing people do anything? Sorry?

Is it your problem with interacting with people that are doing things that you are watching? Griffin, I sometimes have a problem with social cues. Like, I don't know, I'm in a conversation or a social scenario, and I don't exactly know the right thing to say in that exact situation. Now, if you can just blow that up and think, like, in what scenario would you have the least chance of saying the right thing? And I think it's when you make eye contact with a man whose hand is in felt. Yeah.

Like, that is the number one situation, which, like, I don't know what to say to you. You're pretending to talk me through a puppet. It also boils down to the fact that they are trying to trick you. They really are trying to trick you. They're lying to you is what they're doing. They're saying, look at these two small men, and I'm- I'm trying to get the dirt out over here, and you're trying to make- This is 20 dirt.

And what you're doing is you're scooping more piles on, sir. Why don't we just cut through the bullshit and you tell me the story directly? Yeah. How about you sit us down? Cut out the tiny middle man. Why are you so afraid of committing to this conversation we're having? Just weave me a tail with your words. And your Wienerville puppets.

And your Wienerville puppets. Leave the Wienerville. By which I mean puppetry of the penis. Can one of you guys use your IMDb wizardry to quickly and discreetly find out how many seasons of Wienerville there were? And if anyone I know was ever on Wienerville? Yeah, Matthew Wiener, the creator of Mad Men, he was the one behind it. I don't think that's true.

Okay, so they did 62 episodes of Wienerville. Almost enough for- Almost enough for Cindy. Almost didn't get quite as Cindy. We've had it to Cindy almost twice now. I guess a little bit more than once now. And Wienerville couldn't crest it. But I think that might just be because we don't have tiny impotent bodies attached to our chins.

Yeah. Well, Mark Wiener was a writer for Saturday Night Live. Yeah. And he kept saying, I'd like to be on the show, but just my head. I've got to- They're like, that's impossible. I got a great idea for a sketch. You are going to try and throw this ping-pong ball

using a tiny puppet hand that we've attached to your chin. And it's going to be fucking hilarious. Whoa. He's also the voice of Map and Swiper the Fox on Dora the Explorer. Well, there you go. On Ned's declassified school survival guide, he is credited as Mr. Wiener. And I think I might have discovered Mark Wiener's problem with his career. He refuses to appear on television unless his character makes use of his hilarious

surname. What's the name? What's the character's name? No, is it Tony Soprano? I've got a better idea. Let me hit you with this. How about Tony Wiener? How about Don Draper?

No, how about this? How about Don Wiener? But also, have you thought about making your body real small and weird? I can't believe we just fucking- What fucking obscure Nickelodeon game show have we not discussed at length on this- On this podcast program? I think they would actually have to pre-date your birth. Like, I think I would have to dip into like-

Picture perfect. Pinwheat, like, pinwheat. Sorry? Picture perfect. What was the one where they had the house and they had to go through and they had to, like, find the differences? That's fine or- Okay, you-

Finders keepers. Maybe conflated, finders keepers and picture pages- Picture pages. Posted by Bill Cosby. Fuck me. What was the one- Have we done Legends of the Hidden Temple yet? We have to have.

I went and it's at it for Halloween when we were doing this, I'm sure we discussed it. What was the one with the squares, the TV squares, and you would unveil them and they would make a picture? What was the My Brother My Brother Me When I Stopped Listening? I think it was the one where they just didn't make any jokes for like 20 minutes, just named all the different- They just said titles of shows. Well, let's bring it to now.

Let's bring it to today. Because how come every show on Nickelodeon is about teens trying to fuck each other? Huh? And how come it's not about them trying to figure out television riddles? And none of them have tiny bodies. None of them have tiny bodies and none of them say wiener unless they're saying, Hey, John, I want to suck your wiener. I'm 15-year-old girl.

It's disgusting. When I was a child- I behaved as a child. I behaved as a child and I watched The Adventures of Little Prince, picture pages, Bill and Sebastian, Danger Mouse, and Curious George, and so many others when I was a child. And then, and like, and the shows used to be so good, guys were like, are you afraid of the dark?

And slew your shorts to Clarissa and Welcome Freshman, Hey Dude. Do you think Linda LRB was ever like, Hey, you want to fuck? Of course not. She wanted to talk to you about the news, the important issues to you. She wanted to- She wanted to get about global warming and shit. She wanted to open up about the cancer that she beat. And like, and now I have to watch Drake and Josh try to have sex with each other or something.

I don't watch that show either. But like, it sounds like that's what's happening. I, it did seem like Moe was trying to party though. Moe was down to party. She laid it on just a little thick. I, I wanted to talk about a glowing piece of that radical rock. And she wanted to talk about a glowing piece of my radical cock. Glowing piece of that radical cock.

There it is. Thank you. Sure, sure. Why not? There are several, several great reasons why not. Many, including time and size. Spatial, mainly spatial, spatial ratios to physical space right now. And time, chrono.

And confetti. And it was full of jets of confetti, which is not pleasant to- There are chrono-spatial reasons. Oh, oh, sorry baby. It looks like you missed it actually, though. Hold on, hold on. Inside my desk, I put this in here yesterday. It's a sealed envelope.

Let me just open it up real quick. On this piece of paper, I wrote, we are going to talk about literally fucking the aggro crack. I predicted it. I mailed this to myself. What an odd, what an odd power you've been given. So that's like a, that's just the little sampling of my brother, my brother and me for you.

That's kind of a thing we do here. Whatever that was that you just listened to, that's pretty much what we do. And we're sorry. And we're sorry you've heard it now and you can't unhear it. So maybe you should just hear more of it and maybe you'll come back around on the other end. Thank you for listening, though.

Thank you to people tweeting about the show, like Happy Bob, Eric Nott and Rice. Man, that's a mouthful. I don't know. Brandon McStam, Noton Color, The Davenporter, Jay Ryan, Johnson, Iggy Kay, Kubler, Sorry, Jacob Blocker, Paradolian, Logan Bonner, David Fave. Thank you guys for tweeting about our program.

It really means a lot to us. And if you want to spread the show even more, tweet about our sampler, bit.ly, forward slash, it's ma-ma-mam. It would be great if 20Dirt was the year that we fucking exploded. Wouldn't that be great? Like, I love publicity-wise, not like physically. Not physically, but I would love it if we became like the new Drake and Josh. Only there would have to be a third one.

Blake and Drake and Josh. I would love it if Michael Keaton started asking about what we were up to. Yeah, yeah. Why doesn't he want to start on our live story? There's obviously a bunch of them because they were in multiplicity, so he could do that. With Michael Keaton as Justin, Michael Keaton as Travis, and introducing Michael Keaton as Griffin.

And as Clint McElroy, Rachel Billson. Because why the fuck not? Because why not? Never going to happen anyway. And Eddie Murphy plays everyone else. We're going to toilet obscurity. Jesse Thorne played by Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy as Simon Thorne also, and they talk to each other.

It's amazing. It's the best scene in the whole fucking movie. Eddie Murphy played by Michael Keaton. As Michael Keaton. What haven't we mentioned? Oh, go to maxfunfun.org and listen to all the other shows. There, stop podcasting yourself. Judgeline Hodgman, Jordan Jesse Go, Bullseye, Throwing Shade.

They're all so good risk. Memory Palace. Batman. What was it? Batman. Batman, the podcast. It's a little Batman. Go check those out.

And if you want to have a money drone spot, you can go to maxfunfun.org forward slash jumbotron. And you'll find all the details there. I want to thank John Roderick. Special thanks. Aw, damn. And I was going to do it this week. I want to thank John Roderick.

You do want to do it? I mean, I've never done it. Go for it. Give it a try. I want to thank John Roderick. You're yelling. Boo. Go ahead.

I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winners for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, put in the days to bed. You can find that on iTunes and buy it. Justin got me the John Roderick, John Colton Christmas album, One Christmas at a Time. And inside the box is a candy cane and some gelt. And I don't know if they're actually good to eat,

because it came in a box that you got shipped to Amazon and then gave to me. I think those are good for, like, ever. OK. Well, I'll give it a try and I'll report back. This final Yahoo! Answer was also sent in by Ira Ray. Thank you so much.

It's by Yahoo! You don't even know who asks. How did Fred Savage go back in time to narrate himself? Oh, Justin McAvoy. I'm Griffin McAvoy. This has been my brother and my brother, me. Kiss your dad. On the lips.