My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 136: Taken Babies

Episode Date: January 14, 2013

In what you could possibly consider to be a "Very Special Episode" of My Brother, My Brother and Me, we finally confess our irreversible addiction to nature's funniest substance. Suggested talking points: Bill Cosby Jizz Coaching, Last Chance Hook-up, Object Permanence, Shitty Birdhouse, Shakespeare's Ghost, Wedding Permission, Dipes, The Hard Spray

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special, very personal episode of My Brother, My Brother, and me. We have an announcement to make to begin this episode, and gosh guys, I don't really know how to... Well, I mean, we've consulted a lot of our family and friends, and a lot of people we really respect, and I think it's time that we just, you know, it's 20 dirt, it's time we come clean.

It's 20, that's so true, Travis, it's 20 dirt, it's time to dig it up, come clean. We have been doping. There it is. Beginning in June of 1998. Basically, over a decade before we would begin the show in preparation to record this program, we have been injecting bull semen into our buttocks. Nature's funniest animal. Nature's funniest liquid. Directly into us. Every day, every hour, for the past 15 years. I am fucking chock-full of bull semen. I sweat the stuff, and it's... Right. Do you know how the human body is like 75% water? At this point Griffin is like 72% bull semen. Right. It's why I can't really run. I ambulate slowly, but it's because I'm very viscous

inside. And he basically can't go to a dairy farm. Oh my god. He basically, if he walks, runs through with hands outstretched, he can impregnate 10 to 15 cows a second. Yeah, they get... It's amazing. They will try to get on top of this. And I'm flattered. Now, a lot of people ask how you get into this. There is an underworld, I guess, and I'm worried about outing people, but I guess... Well, let's use code names then. We'll say Schmorden-Schmores. Schmorden-Schmores got us into it, and he was one of the first that really turned us on to it. And Dan Kenison, basically Stan Kenison. But he's dead, so fuck it. Yeah. And what's that other angry guy? Shouty, kind of shouty.

Fucking... Everybody likes him because he said a bunch of... Raymond. Things about him. Ray Romano. Bill, you know, comedy Bill. Bill Cosby. Yeah, that's it. So Bill Cosby... That's how we started. We didn't... We couldn't take the injections. Bill William Cosby was my comedy coach in high school.

Sure. And we were trying to make state for comedy. Comedy state. And he says... You know that show, The State? That's what that's what it's about. He says, you look... He did it, but in a Bill Cosby voice. How would that sound? Gryffindor, you gotta get a leg up on the comedy competition, bro.

And so... He's melting at the end of it? That's when I started. Well, he was so, so just jammed. Ram jammed with cum. And like... So like, that's how I got started was pressure from Coach Cosby. Yeah. Listen, guys, let's put this note. We will continue to inject ourselves with both. Can you guys believe that they didn't induct anybody to the comedy hall of fame this year? Yeah.

Just because of all the jizzing? We've been... You gotta retire from comedy for five years and I can't think of anybody... And the problem is, is like, even after that, when you break comedy records, they're still gonna put an asterisk next to your name. Right. But not only that, but there are so many great comedy champs out there that don't jizz. Like Bobcat Goldthwaite. He's another jizz. He was a staunch anti-jizzer.

Right. You can make the argument that Jerry Seinfeld retired from comedy decades ago, and he's still out there. Never jizzed. You can't know why has he never jizzed. Julia Lewis, Travis, was telling me that she tried to get him to. Yeah. And he just shut her down and then canceled the show. He was like, I'm sick of the pressure and he canceled it.

But we're not canceling this show. We're gonna move right on. Let's get our first question up in the mix. This one comes to us from... I would also point out we never actually introduced ourselves, but I'm here at this point, people. Come on. I'm Justin then. I'm Travis. I'm a set griffin. Do you want to stretch?

I've been fucked up. Good up. Yeah, I'm griffin. Okay. Fuck it. I'm Travis. Somebody hand me an everything bagel with a ham, with a ham hoc on it. I'm Greg.

Okay. The footballer? The footballer? Loves touchdown. Yeah. I love TDs, guys. I feel like shit. What's wrong?

I drank too much alcohol. What happened? I did these shots that I learned from Epic Mealtime called the Gordon Bombay, where you take a shot of Bombay gin and then have everyone call you Gordon for the rest of the night. Fuck, those guys are funny. They are jizzing. They are jizzing to the fucking max.

And like I am worried about where like their health is. I hope that they come... Maybe they'll come to Max FunCon someday and just like eat, but that would be bad because it's in an isolated environment. Did it become like a like a Donner party kind of thing? Yeah, right. They'll eat all the food and then they're just like... Epic Mealtime cannibalism.

Yeah, turning into Hunger Games. I left my college town a couple years ago. The old gang is slowly starting to break up. One member of the gang is the one who got away. And I never confessed the fact that I've been crazy for him since we met several years ago. I very moved away from our college town and only got back to visit. He'll be moving away within the year.

Should I risk our remaining long distance friendship to get it off my chest? I know 20 does was the year getting it, but I'm not sure what to do in 20 Bakers does. How could we be from Gmail? Any fucking clearer about what you're supposed to do in 20 dirt. 20 dirt? Dig it up. Dig this shit up.

This is dirt. This is dirty. This is dirty dirt. Get out the shovel, scoop it, and poop it. Get it out there. This relationship is a long distance relationship, which is to say it's not one. Yeah.

You might as well like the first three quarters of that question was just like, it's dissolving. It's dissolving. It's dissolving. It's dissolving. What do I do? Fuck it. Fuck it.

Check. Take a shot. Maybe he feels the same way. Is it too late to change the name of the year to 20 fuck? Yeah, it is. It really, really, really is. Ricky is. Ricky is.

Is it the year of DJ? Can I learn to DJ with my mouth? I say just do it. Now, there are two different ways to do it. Option A is the confessing of your love and say, hey, I've always loved you. Option B is to say, hey. I'm gonna say confetti. Option A, confetti.

I've always loved you. Just to rip Taylor, I'm right in the face. Rip Taylor, come do some to pay humor. Then option. He'll get it. He'll get it. He'll know what's up. And then option B is to say, I just matter of fact, like, hey, Devin, by the way,

I've always dug you. All right. See you later. Side note. Sorry, quick addendum. Editor's note, asterisk. Nobody's ever loved anyone named Devin. Anytime we goof on a day, there's always one guy is like, ah, that's me.

I'm really worried that there's a Devin out there is like, you got me. I am alone. That one is good. I am alone. That is a good one. You guys got me. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's, it's, this, this, I know this feeling.

I know this feeling of like everyone's starting to move away and a friend group starting to, to bifurcate and perhaps even try for Kate. But, but that's a great time to shore up some of the ones that matter to you the most. And if this is a guy that you care about, then I mean, why not? I'm always going to, we're always going to tell you to, to, to go for it and stuff like this. I mean, friendships are nice, but especially long distance friendships. It's, it's a perfect situation. You never have to see the guy.

Right. It doesn't work out. You're never going to see this fucko. He's gone. I mean, honestly, the worst, the worst that is probably, no, the worst that could happen is like an asteroid falls from the sky. But like the worst that's probably going to happen is if he doesn't reciprocate the feelings, it may be awkward for like a month or two.

But I mean, you guys have known each other for a while now and it's long distance. So it's not like you have to awkwardly see each other. That is, that is not, it'll be fine again. That is not how that's going to go down. It's, he's not going to say no. He's going to also see the plate tectonics, shifting the two of you away from each other. This is, at any given point in your life, there are like 10 people who this is your

last chance to fuck them. Right. Oh, you're painting a can't hardly wait situation. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, okay. I'm saying that it look around, look around you, really look around you. This only works if you're like outside, but look around you. Cause the only thing in this room is my cat and my sensei. Okay.

I've got my positive episode of 30 rock and I have you hugged your mug today. Okay. Well, you guys can make pretend to do this with these things. But I'm saying like you're on a bus and you just got to the diversity stop and there goes six people just got off the bus. You are never going to have another chance to fuck those six people again, or that sensei candle, or that have you hugged the mug today mug. So they're like the six, maybe they'll be the six people you fucking heaven.

That's possible. It's hard to say. But I'm assuming you ride the bus a lot and therefore come in contact with the situation thousands of times in your lifetime. So it's more like like the 650,000 people that you. I actually have a, I not a joke. I actually do think this way on occasion, not about sex though, but about like if I'm in a place I've never been before and I'm moving through it, you know, like say an airport or

something like that, as I'm passing those people, it is almost certainly the only time I'm ever going to see them. It is intoxicating, right? Basically, well no, because the way I think about it is that basically as soon as I avert my eyes from those people, they're dead. Basically, yeah. Like they're dead. That's actually how I operate in just everyday life.

Just when I don't see my friends, they're dead. Whenever I'm not talking to you guys, you're dead. So it's my world that only exists within a six foot circle around. So like when babies start to figure out like spatial understanding, that's just like. I have no object permanence. You just skip that one. We try to play peek-a-boo with Travis. He just screams.

He just screams wildly. Where are you? What the fuck? Justin. What the fuck? There was a man. There was a man named Clint. This sounds like a pretty good Liam Neeson movie.

Actually, where did you go? It's taken three and he's playing peek-a-boo with his daughter. Return my daughter to me. Um, well, I mean. I'm just behind this washcloth, dad. Dad, I'm behind a washcloth. I have a particular set of skills. I'm upstairs.

You hear the vacuum cleaner. I'm upstairs. Please fix your object permanence. I have a particular set of skills. Object permanence is not one of them. But I have learned all my shapes. Let me draw you a circle. 10.

I have 10 fingers, 10 toes. This is like a Muppet Baby's version of Taken. Taken babies. Oh, God. I make pee-pee in the potty. Who's a big boy? You're about to find out. If you don't return my daughter.

Dad, I'm right here. Just turn around slightly to the side. You swore you wouldn't do this at my wedding. I'll lift the veil. Is that what you want? I'll lift it. Fuck. You guys want to know who answer?

Yeah. Yeah. God, I hope Liam Neeson doesn't hear that bit. I'm all like shit talk. We talk about Celeste. Yeah, you'll talk about anybody, but not Leo. Yeah. Uh, this one was sent in by surprise surprise Ira Ray.

Thank you, Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray who wants to know? I like that IRA has contributed enough now that he gets like some sting music. You know what I mean? Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh, thank you, Ira. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ben, who asks,

Oh, this is a fucking rhyme. I made a send you this picture of Ben. This kid is so full. Um, who asks, what a 20 year old girl like a GPS with my voice recorded as a gift? I kind of like her, but she has no idea. Would giving a GPS Garmin with my voice recorded for directions be a good gift? If not, any other suggestions? Well, if you don't do a GPS with your own voice in it, I don't know what other suggestions.

What else is there? Right. Yeah, what other, yeah, it's either that or Darth Vader. Uh, yeah, I have, uh, something that sounds like my wife that always tells me how to drive. It's called my wife. Am I right fellas? Everybody loves Justin. Everybody loves Justin.

I would, I would go so far as to say first, Ben, that doesn't exist. No, it does not. Yeah, you can, you can get a Garmin and then just record yourself saying every single direction that could ever happen. Yeah, sure. Oh my God, you know, I would get, I would get, uh, I wonder if Sandra Bullock would do it, but like shout. I always feel like I'm in speed.

Speed up, speed up. It's like, I'm in a school zone, Sandy. Chill on it. It depends entirely on what this kid's voice sounds like, doesn't it? Oh, he's got like a smooth, Billy D thing going on, loving, yeah. Damn girl, pump the brakes. You coming up to a stop sign? What you gonna want to do?

You see that bar? Turn left at the bar. Like that's, that would be good, but if it's like, um, go straight for 200 meters. Next stop, my heart. You're going to go to the flower store and I'm going to buy you flowers. Todd, hey, Todd here, turn left. Can you imagine as the voice of your car, what if you could get William Daniels?

But wait a minute. Here's the, here's the twist. He's not kit. He's Mr. Feeny. Are you kidding me? Imagine it. Mr. McElroy, turn left. I kind of, I don't know.

I'm kind of into this idea now. There's lots, who would you, who in your life, who in your life would you, would you most like to, to have coming out of your speakers? Tell you what it is. Does it have to be like someone we know or like a celebrity? Someone living or dead, but only dead. William Daniels. Yeah, you kind of, kind of blew it already.

It's like the best possible one. So it will strike him because I don't think he's dead. Okay. You know, Don Adams would be good. I don't know who that is. Or do I mean Don Knotts? Fuck. Is this, is that a good, that is a weird gift.

It's a weird, it's a weird way to tell someone that you like them. How do you do, how do you do it? Do you like, you slip it in subliminally. That's what it has to be. So it's like, turn left on Love Street. Or it's like, well, I don't see Love Street. I meant Kennedy Boulevard. Well, that would get fucking annoying.

Cause like, this is a woman on the go, you know? I feel like the whole president is fucking annoying. I mean, it's thoughtful if the, if the woman doesn't have GPS and she gets lost, you know? But what's less thoughtful is if you get it for, for that purpose, but then you, instead of saying, you just take out the word turn right and you replace it with, I love you, Susan, will you be mine? Love, love Todd.

I don't think there's ever been a nerdy person named Todd. That's true Travis, I didn't think about that. Every Todd has to be a like, some sort of sportsman. Let's go with Gilbert. That's much, much, much better. Gil. Sorry Gilbert. Sorry, the, sorry, the Gilbert that listens to this show.

We sincerely apologize. Listen, is it appropriate to chime in when someone's getting heavy praise for something you did most of the work on? Or are you supposed to catch the praise giver in private and then let them know the real deal? Or are you supposed to just let it go? That's from feeling gypped in Japan. That's, that's a good question.

That's offensive. That's an offensive name. But anyway, feeling traveled in Japan. I think they were for travelers. Feeling romanied. Feeling romanied. Nomadic fortune tellers. Okay.

That might be, that might be racist. Hold on. I think we cross backwards. Secret werewolf. Feeling curse-lingered. Here's the problem. Is it, it's like a lose, lose, lose situation. It really, really wicked is.

That's why the dude is supposed to say like, Hey, I, that it wasn't just me. This is a, this is not a one man team. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's fourth option. If you confront the praise given later and be like, Hey, what the fuck? All you did was get the coffee and I did 16 hours of work.

You got a logic trap this guy. Like while everyone's praising him and be like, Oh, great. Do it again right now in front of all of us. Let's see it. Here are the twigs. Do it. What, what possible thing could someone be praised for with twigs?

shitty birdhouse. Okay. That's called a nest, you dumbass. Build a nest again bird. I did that. That bird didn't build that nest. I did it. Check the nest.

That's my saliva holding those twigs. Twigs. When I am a dad, the one, I will tell my children everything, the truth about everything. But the one thing I will tell them that is not true is that I made every nest. So they see a nest in a tree. I made it. Their dear old dad was the guy when they asked what you do for a living.

But like, well, every day I take my briefcase full of twigs and I go out for eight hours a day and I'm like, no, the city pays me to do it. Those, those crackles really do look comfortable. You're right. Daddy did that. Daddy did that for those crackles. You could call people who own birdhouses slum lords. My dad's building organic housing.

So here's the issue with this. Option one, you interrupt and say, excuse me, boss man, I did all the work. That's the worst. You look shitty. That's the worst one. Don't do that. Unless. No way benefits you.

Unless. Unless you do it in a fun way. Like when he's like, I put this presentation together and everyone's clapping and you go, and I helped like, like the shake and bake ads, like the old shake and bake advertisements. And then people will get a real kick out of it. And then the boss will turn to, to Michaels and be like, Michaels, is this true? And he'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, Johnson's. Johnson's definitely helped.

And your last name is Johnson's. Your last name is pure plural. My father founded the big Johnson's t-shirt company. I'll be damned if I let it seem to fall in the likes of you. Listen, these are all bad. Yeah. I think the only one don't talk to the person in private because then like that looks really, really bad because it looks so shady and like underhanded.

But like, hey, I didn't want to say anything earlier. Right. But he didn't do all the work I did. I mean, I don't think it's a terrible idea to go to the, to the person and say like, listen, we both worked on this. It would mean a lot to me if you tell them all I am. Ooh, ooh, ooh. What about this?

You go to him and say, hey, I really appreciated all the things, and the nice things you said about the project. We worked really hard on it. I didn't get a chance to earlier, but I just wanted to say thank you. I really appreciated the acknowledgement. That's like a crazy thing, but I kind of, that's really manipulative. Yeah. You act as though dude also called you out.

And then he's like, uh, yeah, congratulations, man. That's a, I like that Travis. I'm actually into that. Could I do that for anything though? Sorry. Like if I go to like a, a life theater show and like everybody's clapping and be like, guys, thank you guys. Thank you so much for just acknowledging all of our hard work up there.

We get up there every day just trying to make you laugh, trying to make you cry, trying to make you clap. You can always pretend to be the director. No one knows. No one knows. We're the writer. Who knows who wrote a play really? Well, unless you're, unless it's like a Shakespeare show, which went good luck.

That was me. Every time I see Shakespeare, when everybody's clapping, I shout like, they shout like, bravo. I'm, I'm shouting like author, author. Cause I, I hope one time he's like, what Shakespeare? You're saying you hope one time that one out of, out of, let's say the 30 times you've seen a Shakespeare show, he arrives, he arrives just in time. He, he splits up through the floorboards, very spooky goes to Shakespeare and he's like,

ah, you did a good job with my play. Okay. And, and the reason he comes is because you, Justin McGroy have shakily supported his art form, maybe 20 or 30 times. I'm so glad I was able to reach one special boy in this room. Only one person appreciated my play. And then what if later that night you're watching along came Polly on DVD at home and he pops out of the TV like, I did this one too.

Like, I don't think he did, do we? This one's based on a fellow. Is it, is it real? You know, if you hung out with Shakespeare's ghost, he would try to claim everything is some permutation. Oh yes, the incredible Mr. Limpid. It's very much like Hamlet.

Think about it. Really? Shakespeare, it kind of seems, you know what is like mine is Oedipus Rex. Oh, hold on there. Cause you, that one is definitely not you. But wouldn't it be great to be hanging out with him and like 10 things I hate about you. Come on. And he's like, this was, come on.

They got it. They improved it. They nailed it. I thought, I was going to make a joke about, I always get confused if that woman's name is Alyssa Olanik or Larissa Olanik. Can anyone confirm? Larissa, it's Larissa. The one thing I know is that the secret world of Alex Mack was based on two gentlemen of

Verena. Think about it. Because the one gentleman can dissolve into a pool of water. I remember this. It's not water-griffin. Sorry, it's. It's Ectoplasm. She's a ghost.

How about a Yahoo? Can I keep talking about Shakespeare's ghost? I'm really into it. Do you think he asks everyone if they have Bos Lerman's number so you can call him and tell him he's a dick? I did, I did like Leonardo DiCaprio in it, but everything else was just garbage. Leo was great. And that John Leguizummo, don't get me started.

What a delightful Hispanic. Hold on. Hold on, Shakespeare. I like the movie about the moor who teaches Keanu how to fight with country. Do you mean the matrix? And did you just say the moor? Could you not? It's Lawrence Fishburne, Shakespeare.

You know, he would claim to make up most words too. Anytime you used an impressive word, he would have to slip in there. You know, I coined that in Hamlet Eight, Hamlet Eight. Hamlet the Eight? Hamlet Eight. That was, it was never produced. I just finished the manuscript and I died. I can show you where I hid it if you want.

Oh no, okay. It's just, it's just an empty castle for two and a half hours. If the Subtle is a good day to Hamlet. I don't know, I don't think it was a good name. Uh, okay, Griffin, now you can. Thank you. I think I've done talking about Shakespeare's ghost. Cool.

I went to Stratford upon Avon for our honeymoon and I got a big kick out of, when we got back, pretending that there were more places named after Shakespeare's plays in the, in the restaurant areas than there were. Because there was really no, I wanted steak spears. There were no tines? What? No tines? No tines.

No, no. You know, a subway would be great, but they call it as you like it. You can just get the sandwich however you want. Okay, Griffin, now I'm really done talking about Shakespeare's ghost. I don't think, I don't think I can trust you anymore. I promise. All right. This Yahoo! Answer was sent in by Ryan Lohan.

Thank you, Ryan. It's by Yahoo! Is it legal to smoke weed in space? If an astronaut is out of any country, would NASA have any legal recourse if you smoked a bowl in the space shuttle? I think it's the kind of thing that they say not to do, but everybody does it. Oh, right. I think the bigger problem is less the smoking than the fire.

I think that you do get into some issues. I think they'd probably be okay with the weed if it wasn't for the, you know, open flame and a thing made of explosions. I think it's less than ideal. That's actually what happened in Apollo 13. Dude, sparked a bowl and they had a problem. Man, that sounded so natural, Travis, when you just said sparked a bowl. I could tell you, Griffin.

I've been practicing. You sounded like a real grade A chief, chiefer. You know, you could just, you can make this easier on yourself. Don't go to space to spark a bowl. Go to the South Pole. No country owns the South Pole. Oh, that's true. That's a fact.

Just go to the South Pole and get like fucking lit. Just build a big, like build a gazuntite institute down there at the South Pole. And everybody can just like get high and patch atoms can fix people up and there's no lawyers or cops. Or toes because they all fell off your fucking foot because you're on the South God damn pole. What do you treat the gazuntite institute? You know what, a lot, a lot of frostbite.

Anything related to freezing to death? I have, like, probably the best at gangrene right now. Like, if you get gangrene, don't even trip because I do have that under control. I have a better place. Okay. You're fucking attic or anywhere, anywhere. It's a glow in the dark stars.

Post them up on the ceiling. You're in space. All of a sudden, you're in space. You don't need to fucking nobody has ever gotten busted for doing weed. Fact. Fact, because every time a cop catches someone doing weed, they're like, ah, kids, you do getting it. You guys have a fun being young.

Enjoying it, enjoying life. Get out of here, you rascals. Get out of there. Enjoy that. Don't smoke it again. But if you do, it's fine. We've had a lot of fun here today, but I do think we need to clarify that. I don't think this question asked was desperate to find a place

so you can smoke pot. And space was as less refuge. Like, there are many other steps, I think, before you resort to space smoking. In a cave. Right. You could always smoke in a cave. Underneath a camel. Why?

I mean, why not? It's easier to get to than space. It's just a place on the earth is what you're saying. Yeah, I'm just thinking of places. I could have said under a table, but that's not as fun. If the President of the United States of America sparked up a J in the Oval Office. You know he does. Why do I know he does?

What? Because he legalized it. He legalized it. I don't, he didn't, though. He's actually been cracking down. I'm pretty sure he said he was going to legalize it. He put a big old check mark on that bill. Yeah, he was like, approved, approval.

What's the opposite of a veto? Is it an approval? It's an approval. But I think you may be confusing legalized marijuana with unmanned drone strikes again. I think you got it twisted. Maybe he gets high off unmanned drone strikes. Oh, that's the fucking stuff. What was that?

A wedding? Awesome. Fuck. Shoot it into my veins and also into them. All of them. Shoot them. Oh, man. Getting political.

What's up? A little bit of fire. Edgy. Let's get paid. Fat Sacks. Fat Sacks coming to us from Emily to Sam. Travis, just read it. Get it out there.

This message is for my asynchronous twin, my brother, Sam, for his 30th birthday. We both love NBNBAM, which always gives us something to talk about while we try to bond over our 4,000 mile separation. Happy birthday, Sam. And then apparently she would like us to do a goof about immutilation. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

We can turn this heartwarming message into something that will make him and then she trails off. Cry? Say it. Hard? Sad? I'm going to go with hard because I think Sam's a total weird beard. Hey, weird Sam.

I'm not going to goof about fucking. If you want to get your rocks off of our immutilation, go watch Event Horizon, but get that out of here. Get that bad stuff out of here. What's the biggest thing for this twin? I think it's just people who are close. So it's like a brother. Come on.

But I mean, but it's like. Hey, listen, can we not do this on Sam's birthday, please? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sam. Emily, I'm sorry. Can you not make a scene? So happy birthday, Sam.

So happy you lived. Who's this message? This next message is for Sarah Winters from Abby Vandenberg. Who's her sister? Vandenberg. It's Vandenberg. There's three Vans and then her name. You have to really take a run.

Abby Van Van Vandenberg. By Baron von Vandenberg. My sister, Sarah von Kendersnut, introduced me to your show. And we are both big fans. I won't be with my sister for her B-Day this year, since we live in different cities. Please, Brothers Macaroy, wish her in the creepiest, wispiest voices you can muster.

A happy 33rd birthday for me. Happy 33rd birthday. Happy 33rd. Can you make yourself sound like the French baby ghost from your favorite YouTube video? You don't mean Zingua? You should make that a cover. I'm drunk.

So let me get the stamp of approval. Unlistenable. Thank you. Wonderful. Vundabar. We finally nailed the exact right way to make a podcast. No one enjoys listening to. We went the distance.

I made it sonically unpleasant and in French. One day, whenever we retire this podcast, that good come and get it day, we are just going to do an hour of that. And that's how you will know that we are done. That is how you will know. They want me listening. That's how you will know that we have come to the end of the road.

This final message is to John Baltusberger from Philip Prochaska, wishing John Baltusberger a happy birthday. Now that is all that. Does that come from Philip Prochaska? That does come from Philip Prochaska, wishing John a happy birthday. And also he wants to tell him and announce in a very public manner that he is promoting him to treasurer of the Hard to Say Last Names Club.

I knew I own. Your friend Abby Vandenberg recommended you. Abby Vandenberg said that we should... She cried second to my nomination. They do not say which birthday this is for Mr. Baltusberger, but I am going to guess eighth. Happy eighth birthday to John Baltusberger from Philip Prochaska. That's from your 45-year-old friend, Philip Prochaska.

And it looks here, there's eight quotation marks around friend. So that is an upsetting. That is an upsetting. And a winky face. Like we get it. The quotes, the quotes. So we got it. Okay.

Also, I do want to talk about a stream of Strengths.com. Extreme of Strengths.com is your number one source for things you can put in holes in your body. If you want to put it in there, don't waste time with a Q-tip. That's child's play. Why don't just skip right to a ribbed anal douche if you want something inside you. That's man's play. That's man's play. A ribbed anal douche is great because it'll put something in you and take more out.

And it's also great because you can just say a bunch of syllables and it sounds like something like Justin has been doing. Yeah, right. Pleasurable anal douche. It's designed out of latex and rubber. First off, make sure you get the pleasurable one. If you get the uncomfortable, sad one, there's extrememachines.com. There's probably a completely unpleasant ribbed anal douche.

But this one looks great. It looks like modern art. You could put this on a shelf. Looks like modern family. Looks like the Dyson bag. Looks like that baby from modern family. You know that fat 12-year-old baby on modern family? Manny, I love that show.

Love that baby. Is there a coupon code that you can tell us about now, please? Middleist is the coupon code that's going to save you 20% on your purchases there. And listen, that's enough to go get yourself another anal douche. Because if you're anything like me, your friends see the anal douche and you send them home with it. You loan them. You forget who you loaned them to and you just end up needing more.

So go on and get a few. A lot of people hear the word. I feel like Dane Cook has taken the word douche and turned it into something. Oh, I thought you were going to say that people hear the phrase anal douche and they think of Dane Cook. Well, I feel like people have co-opted the word douche or anal douche, although that's less popular.

I'm turning it into like a bad thing. But I don't think that we should, I don't think we should do that for a pleasurable anal douche. What if we rebrand and we go with douche? It sounds international, which I do like. I mean, it probably is international in origin. I think that there is probably some sort of European country that discovered that there is a lot of detritus up there.

Yeah, but since it's a tool for cleanliness, we can assume it wasn't France. Jerry Lewis. Yes. Christ. He's popular there. He had a public, did you guys know there was like a pub? There was kind of a public, it was a big deal that he got kicked out of the whole

Jerry's Kids MDA thing. It was like a very public ousting of the Jarrister. So long story short, visit extremestrains.com and use the code in the middle of this. And ponder a man's life achievements, squandered. Reduced to ash. Only do charity if they're going to appreciate it. That's all I'm saying. I've been with my girlfriend for a little over two years and I want to ask her to marry me.

My only problem is that her sister, five years older if that matters, got engaged recently and her wedding will be this summer. Getting engaged was kind of a big deal for her and I'd feel a little guilty distracting from her wedding with excitement of another engagement. Should I wait till after the wedding to propose or just not worry and go for it before? And that's from Griffin McElroy. Oh, fuck. Listen.

Listen. Got it. It's actually from Prudent Proposer. Good work, Prudent Proposer. Follow your heart. You can't let the yoke of your big brother draw you down into the muck of mediocrity vis-à-vis marriage. Well, it just once again confirms that everything in life is a competition. And you just have to accept that the older sister's wedding will probably be better

and everyone will like it better. Bullshit. Let's go down the line of the shit that we're gonna have at our weddings and do this competition. Sorry, guys. I don't know why this is about you. I think it's about- Oh, no. Let's talk about things that you could hypothetically have at your wedding

that will make it better than the younger siblings. Okay. Hypothetically. Hypothetically speaking. Chocolate fountain. I had that. That's old school. Yeah.

I want the new school shit. Okay, but I had it. So if you're gonna beat me, you gotta have two chocolate fountains or have one that shoots something better than chocolate. And yes, I am talking about bull semen. Okay. Um, petting zoo. Okay, I'm gonna have mine professionally lighting design and sound design.

Ah, fuck. I had this idea of what if you, at the wedding, also serve dinner to your guests. Nice. So they're actually gonna steal that but make it a picnic. Fuck. That's way better. I know. Um, I, oh, I like, I like really love my fiance.

Mm-hmm. So she's gonna be there? So she'll be there. So like that's, but like our, I guess our love is like the big, like one of the big- Oh, you see, like my fiance and I, we're gonna do separate ceremonies. Do the groom ceremony and the bride ceremony in different rooms. I kind of like that.

And you can get on Skype. You can Skype each other. I just said I do. Like we're 15 minutes behind. And my dress is big. There's a lot. It's a satellite relay thing from one room to the other. Um.

So it slows down. I just can't wait for you guys to check out sex. I hear it's so great. You gotta lose your minds. We've been doing these extreme restraints. I feel it's a lot. Things are wild now and I am just geared up, full of bullseeds. I heard on Yahoo Answers that it's like when you put on a pair of jeans just out of the dryer.

And they're still warm. And the zipper is like really hot. Is it like, is it like that? Yeah, it's just like that. Griff, you got another Yahoo. I feel like I could use it. I use a Yahoo. I can do that.

Yeah, I showed this one was sent in by Nick K. It was or key. It's by Yahoo Answers user Patrick Reed 50 who asks, How do I get diapers without my parents finding out? Oh, good. Oh, diapers. It's been a kind of fun, fun theme lately. Diapers.

Somebody said a Google news alert on Yahoo Answers for the word diapers. And just then send me that hyperlink, the RSS feed. I am 16 and I am what you would consider an adult teen baby. Yes. Okay. Nobody would consider anyone to be that because it's just three different words. Three completely different words. I wouldn't call anyone an adult teen,

let alone an adult flavor and adding my Neapolitan ice cream flavor of adult teen. I'm an adult teen baby grandpa. Here's the thing. I have the baby, the body of a teen and the heart of a baby. And I fuck like a grown man. So get over here, Deborah. I really, Deborah, I really need to get some diapers, but I don't know how to buy them without my parents finding out.

Please help me so I can get my inner baby out. Yeah. All right. Okay. I'm trying to be cool because everything's fine as long as you're not hurting somebody. So if you want to be an adult teen baby, that's cool by me. But just go to the store, I guess, and look like one of the people on team mom. Just sound like trying to do right by my baby mama.

Okay. That's a great plan, Danny Ocean. But how do you get those fucking diapers back into the house? How do you get that? Have you ever bought diapers? They come in an enormous, almost novelty-sized package. Have you ever seen Supermarket Sweep? They're trying to get the diapers into the cart.

Right. You get like one package at most. The thing is, you got to put all of them on at once. Why do you have to do that? That's the best way to get them into the house. And then put your like big, put your like a big dog sweatpants on. And your starter jacket. And your starter jacket.

Let's cover that. Fluffy? I don't think so. I, oh, you know what you should do? Say you're extreme couponing. And that you got these, you got, you bought three. You bought the, first of all, once you pull this heist, then you never have to do it again.

Because you bring home 360 different diapers. Now they are going to be, they are going to be adult team baby diapers. So you may have to explain your way around that. You could just say you're playing on having a big baby someday. And that you got these diapers for like $4. Why don't you bring them? I'm horrified. I have to ask this.

And I'm horrified to do so. Do they use the diapers? Of course they do. Why wouldn't they use the, if it's an adult team baby, do you think they just fucking look at them? Hey guys, I know, I thought they put them on, but do they use, they shouldn't. Oh, I have a spoiler alert for you.

I'm not an adult team baby. And if I was wearing a diaper and I hadn't used the bathroom, I would not be standing up right now. I would not be moving away from the microphone. I would just pee and poop in the diaper because I already had it on. I don't know why I put it on. I'm continent. But if I was wearing one, would you got, okay.

No. Would you guys, no. Hey, how about, no. Let me ask you this. Okay. Would you, no. Hey, listen. I got one other question.

Uh-huh. Would you? You want to sit down? Who peed in my baby? Um, oh man. You know what the only time I could ever see myself doing it? I shouldn't be saying this. The Tony's.

You don't want to miss a second. No, but like, what if Mandy Patinkin comes on stage? How about you're at Times Square New Year's Eve? People actually do that. Do you know that? When you look at the Times Square New Year's Eve, when you look at Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve, and you look out in that crowd,

and then you think about somebody in that heat that has to do it, that has to let, They're just doing it? That has to let go. They have a diaper on and they're doing it. Somebody told me that. I was at a party. They were like, yeah, we were there.

We were in full diaper. We were in full diaper. We were in full diaper gala letting it go. You know, you're a teen, just buy a bunch of diapers and then tell your parents that you're lazy. I don't know, Mom and Dad. I want to play EverQuest all the time.

I feel like I can focus on two things, and it's either homework or shitting. Which one do you want me to do? Listen, you want me to hit the books? You want me to hit the body? And you want it too. Make your choice, moms. Hey, moms, does this diaper you have for me?

Thanks. What's up to you? I had a traveler in the car. I had to have one for the ride home. Mom, I decided to use cloth. If you could turn this up for like a service or something. This is Mom. But this isn't the diaper genie.

Mom, buy us a diaper genie. We don't have one. What is a diaper genie? A diaper genie is a hole that you put diapers into, and then it compresses them, basically, to make less room for diapers. Don't think about it. Man, I can't.

Listen, don't think about it. I'm seriously, I'm going to fucking throw up. Can we move on, please? Can I ask that? I want to know why this 16-year-old is infatuated. You were a baby last year. Why are you so tied up in this? Are you telling me that you want to be young again?

Hi, welcome to every day of your goddamn life for the rest of it. You were going to feel like that for the next God-willing-in-the-creep-don't-rise, like 80 years. Fucking don't get started on it. There's going to be plenty. There will be plenty of time to sew your creepy seats. Don't get started when you're 16. When you have your own house, you can fill with diapers.

Hey, maybe it's a good sign if you're like, well, I can't see this past my parents, then don't fucking do it till you can. Yeah, just wait till you're in the privacy of your own. Listen, I get it at adult teen babies. You're having the realization that things were better when you were a kid and people don't care of you. Like, yeah, we all feel that way.

You're not weird. You're just weak. Be stronger. Resist those impulses. I've imposed every day to put on a diaper. But let me just give you this one. I'm strong. Let me give you this reminder, adult teen baby,

because you don't remember this from when you were a baby. But having your own poopy on your butt sucks. That's so trade-off with adulthood. It's sort of like a Benjamin Button, is that when you poopy in your diaper, it's going to be on your butt and you're going to hate it. And let me also say this, as a person, a lot of my friends are having kids

and I'm kind of surrounded by babies and kids now. Babies are awesome and people like to take care of them and baby them until they don't anymore, until the kids start screaming, until it becomes a thing. It's not that awesome to be a baby. Hey, listen, I need some advice. I work long, hard days and when I get home, I just need some time myself.

I'm married and have one son. As much as I absolutely love them, I just need some me time. The only way I can get away is in the shower. Here's my question. How can I spice up shower time? Once in a while, I have a shower beer. Oh, nice.

Are there other ways to treat myself? That's shower guy from the Southern Gulf Islands and he sounds awesome. He sounds like the guy. What about a full-on shower wet bar? I feel like I should be asking him for advice. Yeah. Why stop at a shower beer?

Have yourself a shower Manhattan. Okay, that's nice. That's good because the actual recipe for the Manhattan is, I believe, a tablespoon of bitters. And then a sweet vermouth. And then two and a half cups of lukewarm shower water. Delicious. And then you just drink that right up.

There is a cocktail you could make with shower water. I mean, by definition, anything's a cocktail if you drunk after. But you could come up with a cocktail that uses shower water. And that's like the height of luxury. I mean, it mixes it right, you know, and you put it on like a hard spray and mix your cocktail. That's what you call the drink, the hard spray. The hard spray.

I love it. You could put a massaging shower head on there and that's hours of fun. What do you mean? You can put it on your butt and it feels real clean after because you spray your butt out. When did this happen? It happens. It happens.

I don't remember it happening. Did you like the shower at my house? I did, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yes. I'm an adult, teen, dirty boy. And that's the four Y's at the end, by the way.

I mean, have you considered just like leaving your house for a bit? Turn on. Oh, my God. Turn on the shower. Turn on the shower. Rope ladder. You're fucking so sick. Your dad has been in the bathroom for four hours.

I don't think. I think Dad has OCD. String up? When you climb back in, you come out of the bathroom and your wife's like, honey, how was your shower? And why do you have a ticket stuff for the hobbit? I need you to do this. Okay.

Add question, ask her. Load up. You think you're an inflatable clown? Load up a balloon too. Fuck, God, damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Could let me have it, huh? Could let me have it.

One thing, could let me have it. You just scooped it and poached that right away, didn't you? Nump. Chop. Bye. I'm just out of you seagulling Griffin's joke. Asshole. Listen, I'll tell the boss it was both of us.

So you know how great things were about it. Listen, Jesse, when Griffin, when Justin made that joke, it was Griffin's set up. Griffin, you have been down on your goof quota this month. Well, let me explain. Sir, let me explain. You said nothing to indicate that it would be the inflatable clown. I was just trying to prove to you how deep our connection goes, how strong our bond is. Okay, cool.

Well, I'm going to rob your house, but it's because we're so deeply connected. Just leave my shower head. Oh, you know anything that has been in that zone. Hey, listen, thank you so much again for tuning in to our show. I'm really sorry about poaching Griffin's joke earlier. No, you're not. I am sorry. I'm sorry.

But I'm not sorry that people are tweeting about our show. Like Jan Villarosa, Love Actuary, Rod Gerv, Steve Simmons, Lizzy Cross, Mr. Paws64, MBWO, Craig Wilson, Left Walker, Ragan Ann, everybody, Zangera. Thank you so much to everyone who tweets with the MB, MBAM hashtag. If you want to get somebody started with our show, there's no better place than our sampler, bit.ly forward slash it's mobimbam. We desperately, desperately need to update that. Can we say this week, get on the Maxfun forums.

And if you have like a bit, preferably like a pretty concise one that we could throw into a compilation that you like from any point in the show, then get on the forums and let us know. Because right now the sampler only covers like the first like 40 episodes or so. And that was not our primo shit. And while you're on maximumfun.org, make sure to check out all the other wonderful Maxfun shows. Throwing shade, congratulations. What'd they do? They won for best LGBT podcast.

Why didn't we win that? Because we were mostly mean. Not to everybody though. It's equal. But congratulations to them. So make sure you check them out. Check out Jordan Jesse Go, Bullseye, Judge John Hodgeman, Risk, Memory Palace, all the other ones. Did we win any?

Not to my knowledge. We won for best spirituality podcast. Good, good, good. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture. Off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which sandwiches our show. Like two delicious, delicious pieces. I just listened to that album again this week. God, it's so fucking good.

Yeah. Preach and acquire. Hey, listen, if you want to check us out on Facebook, we have a social presence. If you go to Facebook and search for MBAM, there's a group there that you can like. And there's also, I think it's a different, actually different group. The one that is my brother, my brother, and me. Shouldn't splinter them. Should bring those two together.

I don't know how that happened, but you got to rival groups. You got to Moses it. And also, I want to tell you guys that while I was going to Facebook to check out how to get to our page, I did want to tell you that I discovered I'm friends with a woman who has only one like, and it is for Arby's. Sounds about right. And also, we haven't mentioned in a while, but if you would like to get a personal message for somebody, or for yourself, I guess, or a message for your business or something like that on the

show, just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and you can get it all set up there. Yep. It's finally Yahoo! Answer is sitting by Ira Ray. Thank you, Ira. It's by Yahoo! Answer's user, Aaron, who asks, what are some good songs against Illuminati without cussing? Dusty McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. This is with my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School way out of the lips. Girls didn't want to say, hey, I want her.