My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 137: Tangentz

Episode Date: January 21, 2013

Did you know that zinc can absolutely wreck you? Did you know that? Zinc will send you to the moon. You will know that by the end of this, our most chemically-altered episode to date. Buckle the hell up. Suggested talking points: Alex Jones Knife Hour, Serendipity, Zinc Tripping, Gun Love, A Visable Slug, Tykel and Myler's Food, The Works of James Joyce, Dog Pubes

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Let's just jump right into it, guys. Dear Abby's dead, and what do we do now? There's also like really terrible direction that we could take this goof, but I'm actually like super sad. I feel like a pioneer is gone. Well, I mean, that is, we do a super sad podcast. A sad advice podcast is what shows up in our iTunes description. Are we to mock the passing

of a titan? One of my favorite Dear Abby columns came from 1979. I thought this was the best way to remember her before we moved on to some of the actual goofs. She received a letter written by a fan of hers who was complaining about a gay couple who had moved into her neighborhood. And the letter writer said that they have all sorts of strange company, men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday, I even saw two nuns go in there. How could we improve the quality of this once respectable neighborhood? And her reply was, you could move. Man, that's a thing. I know, like in three words, she just took somebody apart in what usually takes us 15 to 20 hours to put together.

That's good, man. She probably got shit like that all the time, right? Like, my black president, who I hate, is trying to take all my guns and liberties away. Why does that guy, that fella, if I may, I don't want to get too incendiary here, but why does that fella want to take my guns? Right? Why? What is his deal? Listen, listen, listen. My AR-15 is a modern musket. And I use it for one, let's shut up. I use it for one thing, and that's sport. And the sport I like is hunting the homeless. And so Obama wants it. I'm trying. It's a modern muskum. It's a sport.

Why does he actually want to take my real factual musket away? Why does he want to take my decorative musket? I bought this blender bus at an auction. It is mine, dammit. It wouldn't look as good with a shorter capacity magazine, idiot. Why? Right. Keep your hands off my novelty cannon. Leave my musket alone, and also stop trying to steal my musk. That's my fragrance. I worked on it with Jean-Pierre Le Pied, and it has sandalwood and notes of tobacco and longing, and please don't steal my musk. Please, it's my modern muskum. I don't want to take my musk away.

Please don't take my modern musk away. The Third Amendment defends our stank. Defends our right to hold stank without quartering enemy soldiers. I think that's number three. I've seen a lot of hostage movies, and I've learned one thing, and that's if someone is gathering up a bunch of guns, that means they're about to lead an assault. They're like, I need all your guns. I'm going to rescue my nephew, dumb Ricky, from the hospital that he's captive in. I got to tell you, Justin, with the flu that you have, clearly.

By the way, listeners, Justin has a flu. If you sounded just a little more belligerent, you already have the sort of death rattle voice of Alex Jones, so you could really drop some science on our listeners. Hey, listen, everybody. Do you own any gold? Why not? You retards. We trade goops for gold. We trade goops for gold here on the My Brother, My Brother Me Show. Hey, listen, coming up after the break, we got a brand new set of knives. These are pearl handled.

You're going to be able to pick up three of these for $17.99, and after the break, a samurai sword also. It's going to look real great on your mantle, or your modern musket used to hang before Obama took it away. Now, let me ask you, is Alex Jones also like a CVS knife show? OK. Yeah. Alex Jones hosts the knife show. I realized as I was doing that goof that I really don't know anything about Alex Jones, except he thinks everybody should have a water purifier in their apartment.

And then I decided to transition seamlessly, at least it was seamless until you pointed out, seamlessly into the guy that runs the knife show, which I love. I love that guy. OK. You're going to be able to buy 70 knives for $30. What is the situation? That is a lot of knives for a very low amount of money. I want to practice throwing knives into the river. But I don't want to walk over and retrieve them. Now, see, my joke was the river. You should have let me finish my joke.

I think you were crossing. Let me try again. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to throw my knives, and I want to practice throwing knives into the river. This episode of My Brother, My Brother, Me is sponsored by TheraFlu, which if you take too much of it, you are just going to fucking trip your ass right to the moon. Clear. I live in a van down by the river.

You guys hear that one? Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. Van down by the river, Mount Foley. Travis, do you think we should... Should we start? A, should we take control of the podcast? And B, should we host some sort of intervention? I would take control of the podcast, Griffin.

But Obama took my guns away. You want to control this podcast? You have to take it by force. You can pry this podcast out of my cold, dead fingers. Here's a question. I have a first date coming up. I recently found out, however, that the girl I'm going out with has a Twitter account where she live tweets all her first dates.

Oh, what the fuck? I haven't followed her and my account isn't public, but I do have the address and all signs point to her not knowing, slash not caring that I can read it. She's tweeted something about me already. We're going to dinner and a concert. Should I discreetly follow the play-by-play and act accordingly? Or should I ignore it in hopes that I won't throw off my game?

That's tempted by Twitter. Are you kidding me? The fucking worst thing I've ever heard. What are we doing? So is this like she just does it or like she's doing it as like a project? It sounds like it sounds like this is her social media presence. Yeah, it's awful. You're the worst person.

But no, the worst person is the person who didn't include her username so I can follow her. Yeah, that's a great point. I mean, I would do that. Don't get me wrong. I would do this for entertainment, but it's like this is the same reason that you don't date a Kardashian is because you don't want that to be your whole life. Exactly right.

People will forget how good you are at football or rapping. That's the only thing that's keeping me from doing that, other than the fact that I'm very happily engaged and also I still don't know what and who the fuck those people are and what they did. I would also like to point out, I mean, I know that this wasn't the point of the question, but this means that when this girl goes on a first date, she's constantly typing on her phone.

Maybe that's when she goes on a lot of first dates. At least you'd know like right when you're like, I'll order for the lady. You accidentally like flip a ramekin of mustard onto her and she whips the phone out. You're like, ah, okay, I did deserve that one. You got me. Can you just be like having dinner with her and be like, hey, would you mind putting your god damned phone away

so I can like try and form a personal connection with you and maybe later get some touch. Here in the wilderness of human civilization, two people have found each other and you're marking the occasion by like play by playing it, tweet by tweet. I also would suggest like, listen, I'm not one to poo poo something before you even give it a shot. But this girl sounds awful. She doesn't sound like very, very cool or fun.

I mean, it could be cool and fun. We don't know unless we read those tweets. Is it possible that she's dating you because like the one girl in that Boy Meets World episode? Topanga. No, the- Corey's mom. No, the Alanis- Corey's dad?

He said girl. I don't know why you're saying girl if you're telling me. Morgan one, Morgan two. The one who had a songwriting career about Corey's brother. Oh, Larissa Olanik. Okay, right. And she needed to date him again.

Topanga again? I feel like you guys are kind of- I'm trying to get across the point here. The black one. No. The only one. There weren't- The one black person on Boy Meets World.

No. To be fair, there were two. There were two black people. There was the teacher in season one who was not asked back. Oh, shit, that's right. Anyway, what were you saying, Justin? There was one on there that dated Corey's brother and he treated her badly and she got a hit song out of it.

Okay, I'll give up. Potato. I quit. I'm out. I'm out. I quit. Was it potato? I think she's dead.

I think she's going out with you for more material. That's what I'm saying to you. This is what I- She's dating you for material. As somebody who works on and broadcasts pretty much exclusively on the internet for the way that they make money for living, why does this person feel like the medium for this broadcast has to be live?

Is their audience like, it's eight o'clock on a Friday, time to tune into those tweets? It's not like an old-timey radio show. Why can't she fucking wait home and then write up a blog post and try and make it honest? It remembers anything, though. I don't remember anything that happened. And also, can you imagine being the dude

who like reads the field report later, where it's like, so here's how it went down. And you're like, ah, man, I thought I did good. I'm doing bad. I thought I did a real good job. Best way to build your presence is probably to bomb the date, because then you're going to get a lot of people following you. If your date's good or unremarkable,

it's going to be a non-starter. But like if you completely bomb it. Just bomb it all the way. Pulsive, mimetic behavior. Yeah. Unless. Unless. You have the greatest date anyone has ever had ever.

Now, listen, you're really going to have to pull out all the stops and really commit to this. But you could be Twitter famous. Everybody has the best date ever. Everybody has, every, like, everybody's been trying to have the best date ever for a thousand years. Listen, I'm not saying the nods aren't stacked against him. I'm not saying it's not going to be an uphill climb.

He'll show up to the dinner with, like, a ukulele. And he's like, that's for later. He'll have two jackets so he can put one around you and also one over that puddle that you can step over. The greatest first date ever was already had by John Q. Zack and Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity. Oh, great. So let that ship sail.

You're not going to beat him. Or recreate Serendipity. But don't tell her what you're doing. Isn't that sort of against, isn't that sort of against the spirit of the film Serendipity? What if, what if she hasn't seen Serendipity and her followers realize before she does that he is, you're just recreating the film Serendipity?

Holy shit. You have to secretly be tweeting about the date also that you are goofing her on on a faux Serendipity switcheroo. Oh my god. That, I mean, that's a little played out. Yeah. I got another question for you. Okay.

I have a problem. My boss is super long-winded and he's super on my case. Some of his points are valid, but it's as if he will not stop speaking on his own volition. He'll circle the same point over and over again, repeating things he said in past conversations or just minutes ago. I don't think I've ever had a one-on-one with him

that was under 20 minutes. They're usually closer to 40. There's never more than five minutes worth of information. He has my boss and I can't tell him to shut his. God damn, Yapper. Need some dips and tricks. That's from Karma Tornado. I have never understood when people have this complaint.

It's like they don't realize that in the 40 minutes where your boss is telling you things to do, you're not having to do anything. That's a 40 minute. You're trying to remember the lyrics to a Dave Matthews band song. That's right. You don't have to work when your boss is talking to you. It's like a little vacation in the middle of the day.

Yeah. We used to try to get my friggin' algebra t-shirt to tell us about the Civil War. Oh, man. Because if you could even talk about that, Mr. Sheets would go on a whole class period on that topic. I would also suggest this phrase. I'm going to stop you right there.

You've inspired me. Okay. I'm just like, I have to finish this project now, Frank. Thank you. Listen, Frank, you've put the wind, the proverbial women, if my wings. I really need to fly now. I feel like I need to fly on my own.

Can you give me a coffee? Are you my boss? Because Justin forgot the question. Listen, Frank, this back's not going to rub itself. Listen, Frank, please, just drive the cab, Frank. Man, I really, I'm lost to that on this one. Are you, did you take, like, coal medicine or delotted? What are you on?

I took, here's what I'm on. I'm on Tamiflu, which I heard some hubbub about back when the superflu was, like, a real fear. So I'm on Tamiflu. I'm on Dexter Mathorofan. That's not, you just, what? That's going to decongest me. I'm on Musenex DM has that in it,

and it's got a cough suppressant and something to just loosen it up. And then I'm on some Ibuprofen and some Zinc, which for me, when I have a hard hit of Zinc, it's like, it feels like my brain is a balloon, and I have to pull its string down to earth to grab the balloon and whisper in its ear. I actually know that to be a fact. That it's not a goof that Justin is coming up with right now.

I remember that being a problem Justin had in high school. The Zinc gets you fucked up? Gets me messed up. I'd really lose it on Zinc. I lose, I lose whole seconds. I fall out of time. But this is like, why would you take it before we do the show instead of just playing through the pain?

Like fucking Kurt Schilling in the bloody sock. You could, this could have been your bloody sock of comedy. But it's, this is weird. I've also drank a lot of beers before this too, so I mean. Am I the only one that is, substantively, I'm actually, I'm sorry, I'm on crack, I'm on crack cocaine right now. You smoked crack.

Crack cocaine. Hey, can you give us a Yahoo answer? Sure, I can. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Matt R. Thank you, Matt R. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Is it in your relation to Cris R? Yes, it's Cris R's little brother.

Thank you, Matt R. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Rose is a vander. Who asks, is it wrong that I sleep with a machete? I sleep with a machete every night, in case I wake up in the morning and I'm forced to survive. I keep two lighters with me unless I'm at school and occasionally carry a dagger in my boot.

My mom is threatening to take away all my stuff because having the weapons only feeds my fear or government. But what, that's probably fear of government, but when I have my machete, I'm not afraid of anything. She just can't see that something is going on in the world. She doesn't understand that I don't feel like I'm here to have kids and start a family. I feel like I'm here to fight and die for my loved ones.

I just don't see how it's wrong to be ready for a disaster. I don't want to wake up and have the house falling apart and I die trying to get my stuff together. Is he saying literally, like, is he going to fight an earthquake with this magic machete? Can I hit you guys with a proverb and let me know, and you let me know if it seems wise to you? Because in my head right now, it seems really wise.

Throw your wisdom spaghetti against our wall and we'll tell you what's next. Let me just see what it takes. And then we'll say, you wasted that spaghetti. What the fuck? I'm not saying you're going to want to, like, cross stitch this on something, but I think there's a nugget of truth there.

The man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one. Think about that for a second. You know what? I am going to get that stitched onto a pillow. Are your arm or is something just, like, stitched yet? I feel like. I also, I don't want to get too deep here, but I would also say that every morning

when you wake up, you're forced to survive. Wow, damn it. Can I try? Can I try? Yeah. Yeah. The world is a little bit brighter when you carry a smile for a flashlight.

God damn it. Can I try again? Let me, let me hit, let me hit you with another one. Okay. Okay. Life is like a box of chalk. Go get out. We were doing so good.

We were doing so good. Oh, wait. Okay. How about this one? Okay. The man who sleeps with a machete is a cut above the rest. That wasn't a problem. I was just, like, applying.

I think it was. That sounds like that. That sounds like the sign you put outside of your machete store. Well, okay. To be fair, my machete store, a cut above, is thriving. Thank you very much. Can I try? Yeah.

You want to try again? There are holes in the floor of heaven, and mama's tears are raining down. What? That's from the country song, holes in the floor of heaven. All right. Feed Jake. He's been a good dog.

Be my friend. Right through it all. Don't take the girl. Mama, God, please. Don't take the girl. Can we just do Tim and girl songs for this? Listen. Hey, pretty lady, won't you give me a sign?

That's. Do anything to make your mind. John Michael Montgomery. I don't mean to put you on glass, but it's John Michael Montgomery. Guys, listen. Prom me up beside the jukebox if I don't. Okay.

You know? If you guys want to pursue this. Let's all go down to do Miss Walker's. Trump's going to be able to procure a slaw dog, fries in a bottle of ski, and then you can bring it on out to your baby and yee. Three people just lost their shit. Yeah.

And all of them are in the Kentucky Head Hunters. I'm so flattered. So flattered. You guys are listening, by the way. I have friends in Austin. I went on a fucking doomsday preppers bender over the holidays. And when I got back to Austin, I was hanging out with my group of friends.

Like, yeah, this show, doomsday preppers, they like build secret layers, and they, you know, they buy a bunch of shit and prep for the end of the world. Isn't that crazy? And pretty much all of them either, the two responses I got were we have that, yes, or we are in actively in the process of acquiring those things.

So you think that like everybody is secretly doomsday prepping? I feel like I'm the only person who like, when shit goes rough, when shit starts to pop off, Quetzalcoatl makes his tardy appearance. Like everybody on my street is just going to like, iron shutters are going to slam over their door. I'm like, where's our fucking iron shutters?

Why didn't we get those? I went to New Year's Eve. I went to dinner at like a fancy, very fancy restaurant. And they did this thing where after we ate, we, they took a razor or like a long thin metal blade and scraped it over our table. So we would not have to, our vision would not be besmirched by crumbs anymore.

I say that because if that's still going on in society, like I think we have a pretty long way to fall before we're back to like machetes. Like if that's the first thing that goes and then it's like, I have to reach the adjacent table to get a ball of ketchup. Like that's our apocalypse. Like I don't think we have so far to break down before that. Like I think I'll see it coming.

Justin, the point you're trying to make right now is, it seems so innocuous, but what you're really saying is that you have become accustomed to a level of comfort where if you don't have a man who scrapes the crumbs off of your table so you don't have to look at the crumbs from the expensive, delicious food you just ate, you might as well be fucking dead.

You might as well just like, you might as well just lay down and wait to die. That's not the exact point I was trying to make, but I mean, I think that that's fine. If you, I would prefer someone next time scrape the crumbs off myself because then it's like, there's a clean table and a crummy guy and it's like, how did that happen?

I don't have a good excuse. But just make sure you use- Did you come into this restaurant with the crumbs? You gotta use a soft, bristled brim. Sir, please don't touch the table. Please. Please, sir, we have another party coming in a couple hours. Can we get a giraffe in here to lick these crumbs off of him?

Thank you. We have a self-mess. Can someone please open up the guest gutter and dump him in, please? Someone with a BMI over 10 is in the restaurant. Can we have the removed, please? I really am. Like, I feel like- They're enchlopping the whole, the whole atmosphere.

A machete seems just like an awfully dangerous thing to sleep with. Why is it so much- Okay, why is it- You know what? I have an axe within reach of the bed, but it's not in the bed unless you count- I mean, unless you count the old battle axe. In his defense, your axe doesn't have a vagina on it.

Right. Correct. Sorry, let me be- I didn't read that paragraph of the Yahoo answer, but his machete has a fake vagina on it. We've been doing this show for too long officially, I think. Can we do a show about normal people and normal things that they do? I would say, Griffin, I would say that it is okay to throw stones

at people who have sexual relationships with weaponry. Well, it's not safe. Certainly. I'd throw stones at other people before I'd throw stones at people who are in love with an axe, certainly. Wait a second. Do you think that's the- Oh my God.

All of the crazy, like, crazy NRA, gun appreciation day. Do you think it's really because they are fucking these guns literally? They are put- If you push two pistol barrels together, man, and just wedge something in there, it's gonna feel phenomenal. You listen to me, Bula. Oh, man. I will never let them take you.

You are my special, special somebody. I can't tell if you're trying to do Alex Jones, but- I don't know who that is. I don't know what he sounds like or anything. I know he's a nut bar, and I know he thinks it was hoax. You listen to me, Bula. I'm gonna have sex with your barrel while I tell you that the second tower could never come down because metal doesn't melt that way.

I'm gonna cock my gun, and then I'm gonna pull back the hammer thing that gets it ready to shoot. I have a friend that I will hang out with a lot, and we have a lot of fun. Do you want me to do this for you? Let me try it in a different tent, because this- This seemed very sort of forward-looking. That was past perfect participle present perfunctory. I have a friend that I hang out with a lot, and we have a lot of fun when we go out. The problem is whenever I say something funny or come up with a goof,

he will repeat what I just said back to me verbatim. Not only that, he won't add anything to the joke, and he will repeat what I said to other friends and take full credit for it. Is it awkward because I don't want to call him out for it, but sometimes it gets a little annoying. Should I tell him to write his own jokes, or should I just suck it up? It's from Shafted and Savannah. Is he like saying, hey guys, did you hear what he just said? He said, and then repeating the joke or literally just turning to the group and saying it again?

It sounds like he's just literally saying them right, like he's mirroring them. But he's learning. When he first started hanging out with us, he was an amorphous blob, but he's starting to gain characteristics similar to my own. I don't know man, I think if you, I think if you call this dude out, he's going to give you like an invasion of the body snatchers style towel, and I think he's going to turn to Ash and return to his home planet. He'll have surpassed you, and he'll take your words.

Take your words, your thoughts, he'll steal them. Does this man have a slug attached to his brain? Is there a slug, a visible slug? Is there a visible slug coming through like a part in his hair? Does he have any spines? Can anyone else see him but you? Are you imaginary, perhaps? Does he ask to borrow some of your clothes and then all of your clothes?

Are you two ever in the same room at the same time? Does your mother often confuse him for you? How did you internet, figment? That's amazing. That's amazing, figment. Figmenting, you're incredible. Juice Newton, you're a great singer. That's a personal message from me to Juice Newton.

Oh God. The title of this episode is Tangents with a Z. Do you guys have a good week? Let's just, let's pause. Take a break, take a brother break. Just a quick brother break. So Justin can take these anymore. So Justin can huff some more zinc.

I'm just trying to get it together on home on my friend. I think we should go to the mighty zone. Yeah, this is so far has been something that we should be paid for. I look back at the past half hour and think, I just, I demand recompense for this has happened. And I bet you and Howard think of the same thing. These guys are great. I just wish I could pay for what's happening to me.

Don't put a penny into the port at the bottom of your iPod because it'll break it. Yep. And also we don't want more than pennies. Yeah, 80 dollars, dollars and cents. That's all we're about. No, not cents. I don't want, and no, cents like musk.

Because Obama stole all mine. So if someone can steal me, send me a musk that I can use for my very own. Have you ever thought about how musk sounds like musket? I don't know how musket sounds like muskatoon, which is like a shorter barreled musket. I got a pretty good goof coming up for you 20 minutes ago, Griffin. I think you're really going to have liked it. Most people aren't aware that this podcast is cyclical.

Yeah, this whole podcast is a haiku. The, uh, actually the last podcast will end with our birth. It'll be really weird. Like a snake eating its own tail. My brother, my brother and me. Mobius strip. Nope. Wait.

Money zone. Happy birthday and anniversary. I hope we were paid twice for this message to Arthur Gorka. And that's happy anniversary of your birth. Happy anniversary of your birth and your agreement to stay with each other forever. That's from Lindsey Wood. She loves Arthur very much, one would assume. And it's his birthday and the day that their special commitment was born.

So we have, what is that you ask? We don't know. Love. Love. What am love? I'm just in love. Group group. I'm just in no love.

Yes, I'm just in touch. Oh my God. I promise we didn't during the money zone break. We didn't take chunky bong rips. We did all take a fuckload of zinc though. Griffin, who am feeling? Justin, can you guide us through these choppy waters? Yeah.

Why is Justin on the wheel? Baby wants, man, I watched a blue velvet last night and at the moment where Dennis Hopper is screaming, baby wants to fuck and he's, he takes a segment of Isabella Rossellini's robe and manipulates her genitals with it. I was thinking to myself, that seems unsanitary. He should have stopped at extremestraints.com. It's an adult superstore. So you don't have to fuck Isabella Rossellini with your hands wrapped in robe.

Imagine what other classic movies would be like if they had extreme restraints in them. Yeah, you could just get, just go get a woman's fetish uniform. Baby likes to fuck, well get her something that's appropriate for that. Get her a nurse perverse. It's a beautiful nurse's costume with some really tasteful covers over nipples and it looks great, very sexual. Is it cotton? If it's not cotton, I can't wear it.

I don't know, but I would assume it's all natural. It's probably edible too, I don't know. It's made of fruit roll-ups. It's also a silicone, there's also a silicone deluxe come-through penis plug. So when you don't want to take the time to take your plug out, you can come, I guess, through it or around it. I'm not exactly sure of the physics, but what I am sure of is that you're going to save a lot of money. You come into an envelope and then you mail it to your lover.

Please don't do that to us. You mail it to yourself in the past and you're like, how I winded this out. That's how you patent your comb. That's how you patent your comb. That is actually in- Most courts, as long as there's a postmark on it, that will hold up in court. I'm sorry, I couldn't be the father. But don't wait, don't wait too long because then that semen will grow into a baby.

That's true, and you'll get another mailbox baby. God, it's such a shame, isn't it? Isn't it such a shame, these mailbox babies? Thanks to extremestraints.com. I have seen more manipulated, twisted, plugged dicks than I have normal dicks. I no longer have a barometer for what a regular penis looks like, so often have I seen them caged and pinned like a wild boar. I didn't know, until we started perusing the JPEGs on extremestrange,

I didn't know about the secret sex hole that you have on the back of your head. That anyone can, it's called your Gorka. No, no, I don't think it's called your Gorka. So our friend James with Dina at extremestraints sent me a list of some suggested products to talk about. Oh my god, the best one is the last one, and it is the Kinky Kyle head and body masturbator, which I thought at first from reading the title was like a suit that you wore that masturbated your whole body at the same time. Oh my god. What's up 2013? But it's not, it is in fact a full body that you use to masturbate. Oh okay, I like it. That's just sex,

and he has eyes, which is weird. So search Kinky Kyle head and body masturbator at extremestraints.com. If you say that sex is just using someone else's body to masturbate, is that the creepiest thing? Basically a pretty terrible thing to say out loud. I do want to say though that the best thing I've ever said out loud to counterbalance that terrible thing that Griffin said is that you can save 20% at extremestraints.com if you enter the coupon middleist as you're checking out. You're going to save 20%. If you get off, let's get serious. If you get off, sorry, when you get off using one of these fine products, it's basically going to be because of us, because of the savings that we've just passed

along to you. Yes, you're welcome. 20% of your orgasm belongs to us. Yeah, so if you could scoop up approximately 20% of the toss that bitch in an envelope, maybe send it our way. P.O. Box. What is the number, Justin? Sorry? The P.O. Box. P.O. Box 54, like the car, hunting to West Virginia, 25706. Please don't, please. Don't send us an envelope if you're coming. Stop it. Please no. Stop now. This isn't funny anymore. Oh, check it out. What if they seal the envelope with it and we'd never know? Oh, what if they've already done that? What if I'm going to quit forever and I don't just mean this show but life? I don't have the strength to go on anymore. How about a Yahoo answer? extremestraints.com. Good one. Go middleist,

20%. Hit me, Griffin. I have a question about pubes and a question about porn and I'm worried that following up that whole seg with one of these. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe something about, Ira Ray sent this in. Do you have anything about Sanford and Son? I don't. Okay. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Ira Ray. Thank you. All right. It's by Yahoo. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? It's a tag. It's a stinger. It's not a joke. It's a stinger. It's an audio stinger. Yahoo. Tyler asks, for school, we have to make a pretend restaurant and I need a catchy slogan. My restaurant's name is Tyler and Kyle's totally bodacious rib shack. We have seafood and I'm sorry. One more time. My restaurant's name is Kyle and Tyler's

totally bodacious rib shack. We have seafood and barbecue. I needed to know so much more about K&T's TBRS. Kyle and Tyler's totally bodacious barbecue and fish for the food is as good as it looks. It is as bodacious as you may have heard. As bodacious as you believe in your heart. We are not shitting you about the bodacious. Come eat some fucking torsos. Tykel and Kyler. Food? I'm sorry. What were their names? I wonder if they go from being an awesome rib shack to being like a highfalutely, micro food kind of place. Have you been to that new coffee shop? It's totally shade grown organic. They only serve one cup a day. It's called Tykel and Kyler's.

They also have gift sets. Fuck. Why is this a thing that your school's making me do? Do you think this guy's teacher was like, I can't wait to get out of the fucking teaching biz to open up my own restaurant, but I just have no ideas. Griffin, I know that people are always talking about us talking too much about Dawson's Creek on this show, but it seems like a fine time to bring up Dawson's dad's restaurant concept. For those not familiar with the show, for literally two seasons of this program, Dawson's dad's job was to build a model of a restaurant where everyone wore scuba gear. That was his profession. It wasn't a joke? No, it wasn't a gag. That was his goddamn J.O.B. Every time they painted this formerly the flash motherfucker, it's him putting a helmet

on a little guy in a scuba themed restaurant. But he also had his other restaurant, which was Dawson dad's 100% safe car floor ice cream, which, sorry, spoiler alert, spoiler at season four, Dawson's Creek. If you haven't watched it, I apologize for the spoiler. I think we've talked about this before. I think I edited it out because I was really worried about spoiling Dawson's Creek. What's awesome about the scuba themed restaurant is that later in the show, Dawson's family did in fact have a fish restaurant, but had none of the, there was no, there was no even tip of the hat to its to its more scuba themed. There was apparently an off camera conversation between Mitch and Gail, where Gail's like, listen, Mitch, this is the dumbest goddamn idea ever. You know what people like?

Fish. You know, people hate helmets and tubes. I'm not doing this with you anymore. Let's get a divorce. Sydney often tries to convince me that Dawson's Creek is actually the story of Mitch and Gail. Well, that every, that everyone else is ancillary. I don't, well, I mean, think about it. It really makes a lot of sense. Categorically, it doesn't. I mean, if you think about she, that's her time to regroup. Anyway, I have recently taken a listen to audiobooks to help pass the time during life's hormenial tasks. Once I complete listening to one, can I claim that I have read it or do I tell people I have

only listened to every single word of the course of 10 hours? That's from wondering in Woodstock. Travis, you, I bet you have an opinion about this. I do. And it's awful. The ship hasn't, it's still on its steady course. Yep. The problem is, yes, you can say that you read it, but you'll have to 100% of the time follow that out by saying, well, I mean, I listened to it. And so it's better just not to bring it up. You're getting the information in your fucking brain. Like, how's it matter? You know, you would be amazed, but you'd be amazed that like, I've had this argument with

people before because I agree with you Griffin, but the number of people who say like, no, the, taking in audio information and visual information is too different. Like it's, it's completely different and you don't hold it the same way. Now, I will say this, I could see why having somebody read it to you tends to put their inflection on things and, you know, you don't hear it in your own voices in your head. You hear it through them. So I could see where that would affect it a little bit, but you're still getting the story. You're still getting the words. Like, you're still getting fucking smarter. I don't understand why these people have to stand, you're trying to do better. And they're like, but it's different.

Fucking man, fuck those Beakmans. You don't need that. I don't think any of these Beakmans are ever going to quiz you on how did, how did the paper feel in your hands then describe the textile? I mean, how is it, how is it different? I mean, it's, it seems to me like the same kind of progression of like reading a book or getting it on a Kindle, except, Hey, guess what idiots? I can listen and do other stuff at the same time. You can listen to that book and read another book, double books. Yeah, you know, you can't do read a book and drive a car. Yeah, I can listen to the book on tape and drive a car at the same time. Who's smart now, Beakman? Me. Now, let me ask you the

slightly more complex question. What if the audio version is abridged? Oh, well, then it doesn't count. It does though, because when you read a book, you're automatically abridging it because everybody knows that when you read a book, you're really only reading every other paragraph. Tops, tops. You'll read a sentence and be like, John woke up and looked outside and you're like, well, he's about to describe some fucking trees for like 200 words. So I'm just going to go ahead and skip around and look for the word tits. You know, when I was in, when I was in elementary school and I had to read books for the accelerated reader program and then take quizzes on it, I would read every other page. Yeah. And I aced every single one of those. Sure. Because you're

very lucky, man. Well, I got the basic gist of Treasure Island. Now, maybe I was confused as to where some characters came from. Yeah. But I knew who the characters were. And it was fifth grade. It's not like they were like really in-depth quizzes. It was like, what was the name of the evil pirate? You're like, Juan John Silver. I learned that in the first like 10 pages. What if Travis did that and became the first dude to ever understand Finnegan's Wake? Like, everyone's like, oh, shit. Yeah. Every other page. Oh, it was like a codex. Okay. I got it. You had to read every other page and then they connected. Unless one of the pages you were skipping had to wear tits on it. You quickly scan. Yeah. That's why the Kindle is great,

because you can just like search for the word tits. Control-F. Yeah. Sometimes I don't say tits, though. Sometimes they say like titties. James Joyce used them interchangeably. So if you search one, you're really going to be missing out on like half the book. That's why it's better just to type tit and it'll pull up both. No, because then you could get like title. Oh, that's true. And nobody wants to waste time. Or like titular. And you're like, oh, damn, it's not what I thought it meant. Or today, which is sexy. It's not sexy. I forgot about, yeah, James Joyce also peppered. Peppered his words with that. Yeah, he coined the term today. Actually, the only character in Finnegan's Wake that uses the term today is a meth derel. And everyone knows that you could skip all the

meth derel sections and really take this as much away from the novel. That's why when you search it on your Kindle, you got to do the minus sign meth derel. So that way it will edit meth derel out of the book for you. Did you know you can do that with Kindle? Just edit out whole sections of the book? Yeah. Books aren't the fucking worst. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Books. You had your chance. If I could maybe if you had pictures and you talked, oh, wait, that's movies. Get the fuck out books. I read books for the first like 16 years before I was alive, before computers and everything. And I really feel like books have had their chance. At this point, if I'm not reading anymore, isn't that really their fault? Like, didn't they have a chance to get their claws into me?

Let me ask you guys the next level question. Okay, so we agree that when you listen to the book on tape, you can say you read it, right? Yeah. What if you watch a really like accurate movie version of a book? Sure. I don't say you read it. I think there's I see. I think with a movie, you run a real risk of saying the one thing that like lets the person know that you only saw the movie. Like, I think that that's a long distance scam. So but like with Game of Thrones, where they made like 10 episodes of one book, that's pretty accurate. You know, like, I feel like that covers it. But I think in Game of Thrones, you is a rare example of where you should be more embarrassed to have read the book.

Ah, right. Because you're saying instead of actually seeing some real juggerugs on TV. Oh my God. I'd rather read. I was coined by James Joyce. I'd rather read a fat bearded man tell me about James. I don't know, because that fat bearded man can weave a tapestry of adjectives to scribe. The words he creates to discuss today goes centimeter by centimeter, describing every bump, every nook and cranny of the areola. He gets in there. George R. R. Martin is a man who knows his nipples. He gets in on and around those tittays. He gets you inside the mind of the tittay. Yeah, you really know what the titties thinking. And I mean, you can play Justin Justin. Yeah, today you can feel the lactation. I'm saying sometimes when you read them,

you can really feel that kind of thing. If his descriptions of breasts are so exquisite, you would almost swear they were edible, because those are the only other things that get his attention in that fashion. Well, it activates the same part of, well, not everyone's brain, but certainly George R. R. Martin. The only thing George R. R. Martin likes is food and breasts and ways to avoid walking. If he can do any of those three, he is stoked. I don't know him personally. He's probably a very sweet man. Who knows a lot about boobies. He does. I mean, he writes, he can write a boob. That's all I'm saying. He can write a boob. I do find it weird when there are entire chapters from the perspective of of tits,

like that. That seems a little excessive. It's like the tits heaved up and down and they didn't see much until they got out to fuck. But and then and then the kings died. And then it's like, well, I would have a point in the book where it tangent it off to a time when George R. R. Martin saw some boobs. Yeah. It had nothing to do with like the story he was telling, but it like took over from the narrator. It was the summer. Speaking of boobs. The summer of 75 in the back of my dad's Chevrolet. The blood of Reggie Stark splashed onto the boobs. And then they knew that the king had perished. And there was not a dry boob in the house that day. Not a dry boob. As all the boobs were covered in tears of the families that had lost men that day.

And House Stark always knew that winter was booming. So it was so many men were lost that day. So many hearts broken just below the breasts. You can read more in the final chapter of the game of throwing series titled a barrel of jugs. My girlfriend and I recently. Dragon tits. Dragon tits. A song of ice and fire and boobs. Okay. My girlfriend and I recently got engaged. We started planning our wedding. We're having a problem filling out our guest registry. Each of us have lived in registry. What did I say? Guest. Guest. We're having a problem filling out our gift. Shall I start at the beginning? Would that be easier to edit? No, it sort of plays into the narrative thread of this podcast of you being whacked out of your mind on a single off of a

single mineral. They lived alone before moving in together. So we already own a lot of stuff. What should we include on a registry to ensure a life of wedded bliss? And that's from wanting some free shit. I think you are missing the point, sir. The point here is not to get stuff you don't already have is to get the new awesome adult version of the childish shit you bought for 20 bucks at Walmart. Right. Right. Like everybody's got the economy class of stuff. This is your chance to say, Hey, maybe, you know, Spurge and buy me the fancy iron. Everybody's got the coffee maker that will just literally just tip over and spill coffee all over the ground if you let brew more than three cups at a time. Everybody's got that already. But maybe these people are into

that. Maybe these people are into shabby chic and we can't you don't want to take that from them, you know? Well, if that's the case, then you need to widen, widen your mind. Yeah. And, you know, go like do a gift registry at like Home Depot and get some tools. I guarantee you don't have tools. Listen, you can't you're so young. You can't already have if you already have all the material possessions you want right now. What are you going to distract yourself with when the magic wears off? You know, getting a really bad shirt for a toy. They get in a really bad fight where they break all the shit that they have. Oh, that's true. You know, I have a few different options here. My wife and I ran into something similar to this. We actually had people buy us

parts of our honeymoon. We had a registry where you could buy like a dinner one night or one night in our hotel room or whatever. So you so we did that. I also had friends, our friends, John and Rissy went the opposite direction and they registered a target for shit they didn't need. So we ended up buying them a copy of Trivial Pursuit and a large jar of nacho cheese because they had registered for it. Now, what's to make you think they don't need that? I mean, they certainly consumed it, I'm sure. Right. Have you guys ever been like, if you look around your house, I'm sure that you could use some new bath towels or, you know, something like that. You probably are not thinking about all the new shit you could get. I think we're just gonna ask for money to

like get a house. But like if people don't give us enough money at the wedding to pay for an entire house and we don't let them leave. Here's the problem though, Griffin. That's not a bad idea, but there are people in this world that like for some reason are just so opposed to giving money that you have to give them some kind of option. Everything that I've read, everybody I've talked to is like, you need to go and register for at least like a few things. Oh, we've thought, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we thought of that. You can either give us money for a house or the keys to the house that you got us. Uh-huh. Or just keys to a house and we have to find it. It's like the goonies. Why don't you register for some guns? Uh, yeah, because Obama's gonna take them before they can

even like get married. That would be terrible. Video games. Can you register for toys? I think so. Yeah, you can. It's just like you're not the people who are going to buy you things off your registry. Um, I think one you lose out on by not having items in your registry, you lose out on people who aren't going to enter like people who aren't going to attend, but we'll go through the easy like few clicks to send you a gift to let you know they're thinking about you. So like if you look around at your household goods, if you live in America, you better get real used to the idea of being dissatisfied with your material possessions. And right now you're thinking good enough and we don't know that term here. We always want bigger and better. Your towel

is fine, but can you wrap your whole body in it three times and then your head and also feet? Is it still as fluffy as it was when you bought it three months ago? Is your love? You're saying that there's always better shit. There's always better stuff. There's always newer shit. Watch like cribs and pick one thing on there. It's better than the thing you have at your house. Unless you're watching a real bummer episode like Sean Williams Scott or something. Wait, was this a bummer? Oh God. He just lived in an apartment with two other dudes. So would Rhett. Did you ever see Rhett? No, I'm not. Rhett man had piss in his toilet and his doorbell was broken. Sean Williams Scott lived in an apartment with like two other guys and they had two rooms and

they were like sharing a bed and there were boxes of pizza all over the floor. I did not know how they got on television, but it was amazing. That's amazing. It's like Sean Williams Scott was totally recognized the fact that his star was going to burn so bright and so fast. Like I cannot afford to go by. Like don't be silly right now. Thank you Sean Williams Scott. Thanks for the thanks for you. You were so good at Meet the Needles. I don't think that was. I don't think that was his. I'm pretty sure he wasn't in Meet the Needles. Do you have a yahoo that would be good? What's the one about pubes you talked about? Yeah, let's trot that old pubes number out. You mentioned something about pubes if I'm not

mistaken. This, if something in a pubes? This was sent in by Layla. Thanks Layla. It's, I mean you, I feel like I've already spoiled the, I feel like I've already ruined the prestige. Okay. Now this is asked by yahoo answers user Keith who asks, how do I prevent my dog from eating pubic hair he finds in the bathroom? Okay. There's not. Why do you need more details? You could try, put some quick lime on him. That's going to scare him right away. If you dump a little quick lime right on your pubes, that's going to keep your dog away. It's going to keep deers away. If that's a problem. You could also go with a no-no can. Just get like a Pepsi can full of small pebbles and every time he

goes to eat the pubic hair you shake the no-no can. Yeah, but that means you will have to be there pretty much constantly. So you'll have to. You're going to have to set, you're going to have to set a honey pot and so you're going to have to place pubes there specifically to draw the dog in. Or you could hire an attendant to stand over your pubes that you left in the bathroom. Tie a can of, tie a long thread of cans to one of the pubes and then when he eats it then he'll run around and you'll hear the cans banging around. That seems like less of a way to get him to stop more of a way to know that he's done. But the pubes on glue. Okay. Okay. And then he'll try to lick it but his tongue gets stuck and then won't he look silly.

Hire a bigger dog to protect your pubes. It would be so much easier to get your dog to stop doing things if dogs fall ashamed or embarrassed or anything. Have you considered building a small house around your pubes and locking the door? Or, or get rid of the dog. Wow Tram. Wow Tram. I'm just saying I mean I know it's drastic but it would work. Cut off his pubes, put them over, camouflage your own pubes with them and then when he sees them he's like oh no big deal it's just mine. Cut off his pubes and eat them in front of him and be like how does this feel? How do you like this? It makes you feel pretty sad to watch me eating your pubes. Wait a minute I love this and I have a boner. Oh god. Oh boy. Oh boy. Sam Beckett, quantum leap out. Ziggy I messed up.

Ziggy I ate pubes. I ate the pubes. Why haven't I leaped? Dean Stockwell appears he's like no that's pretty much that's what you needed to do here actually. I'm consulting with Ziggy this can't be right but it said in order to prevent catastrophe you had to learn that you like eating pubes so. If you hadn't eaten those pubes Jackie Kennedy would have been shot too. Yeah. Think about it. Think about it. That doesn't sound right Al. Eat more dog pubes Sam. Sam save some pubes for me. Sam now I have to go punch Colin McLaughlin in the stomach because Dennis Hopper told me to. Blue Velvet again. Man great film. That one scene where Isabella Rosolini gets fucked by dog pubes is amazing. It's animated and claymated which is weird to do both. What

a fun episode. Do you think? Tomorrow I'm going to listen to it and wonder who is that hilarious stranger recording with my brothers and why did I miss the recording? So this has been my brother my brother me. It's a psychosexual journey into the unknown starring three actual brothers Justin Travis and Griffin McElroy. Every week we listen to you your questions and we help you rebuild your life from what you've done to it every week. That we made you do to it the previous week. We're sorry every week is about re undoing the damage we've done. Twitter thank you so much for tweeting about our program using the MBMB AM hashtag Joel Kelly C. Duncan Cook John Gregory Santa Prudin Amaliyah Shuri Mark Brown Jan Villarosa Evan Weston

Bramble Pelt Loretta's on Isaac Zuka Zix Saro Aron S so many people tweeting about our program thank you so so much for doing so if you want to share our site with other people our podcast rather if you want to share our clothing site with a bunch you want to share we got an Etsy site we got an Etsy it's just some like we find local stained glass that's been broken or discarded um anyway so we uh we uh we have a sampler it's bit.ly forward slash it's the moon bam I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song which is called It's a Departure you can find it on the album Putting the Days to Bed whenever I see people like on twitter talking about how they just bought this album and how we were right and thank you

and thank you John Roderick and thank you long winters for making it I get fucking angry because it's like why are you it's like we've been hanging out at a party that lasted two and a half years and now you're only just bothering to ask what my name is you know what I mean what what I find even funnier is when people will ask like what is that intro music and it's like we talk about it at the end of every episode that's been the show I guess uh hey oh hey we're gonna be at maxfuncon maxfuncon west uh this may and june end of may or beginning of june and I believe last check there was still a couple beds available so head on over to maxfuncon.com it's gonna be wild uh we're gonna be there but more importantly like cool people will too so get there also if you would like

to have a personal message or a business message on the show go to maxfuncon.org forward slash jumbotron and they will get you all set up uh also the brothers and I have decided that we are ready to do more live shows um we're hoping to do one in April but we're just not sure where yet so if you have any suggestions uh or if you like know any venues uh that would be awesome for us to perform at then let us know and we'll try to get something set up I think we'd really like to do like New England yeah New York Philadelphia Boston somewhere around there so if you can make that happen for us if you gotta if you know a venue or like not just know a venue but like you know a guy who can get us in he's into the show and and and and you know you know we need you to grease some

palms we need you to be able to grease some wheels for us to make this a little easier grease some wheels and you're gonna be grease you're sorry step one you're gonna need to procure a lot of grease that's that's huge it's vital um this final yahoo answer is sent in by ira thank you ira right all right so yahoo answers user mr mr funeral asks who thinks b arthur should have been buried in a cemetery instead of cremated i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother and me is your dad square on the lips