My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 138: Under the Bottom

Episode Date: January 28, 2013

This episode of MBMBaM's got all the hot comedy stunts you could ever hope to see: Comedy flips, joke jumps and bad impressions so sick that you'll puke. So maybe don't listen to it in public. Suggested talking points: Comedy X-Games, Casual Headshots, Twerking, A Real Premium Rush, Birdtrain, Hulk Hogan Buttcrimes

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my brother, my brother, me. We have an exciting opening plan for you. For the first time in history, we're going to be attempting our first interactive Choose Your Own Opening. We have three different selections on tap for you today. One is, this is our 100th Maxfun show. Second is X Games.

That one's mine, and it's going to be the best. Third is Arnani's birthday is today. So we have three options. If you look underneath your chair or car, just let me know. Or jogging suit. Look underneath your jogging suit. Don't get in there, but don't get in there in your butt. You should find a three tiered sort of button knob dial that you can turn to whichever choice you like. So go ahead and do that now, and we'll see how those come in. You can also text I like number two to number 555. If you text that to everyone you know, then that will tell us. I'm sure we're in your phone somewhere. And if not, it will phone tree back to us. So I'm looking at the results coming in here. Happy birthday, Naughty. Happy Maxfun birthday,

but it looks like the winner is X Games. All right, here we go. Welcome my brother, me, the X Games of comedy. I'm your host, Super Spike, Justin McRoy. And I'm your middleist host, Sean White. I am your baby host. I'm Tony Hawke. It's the only one I know, guys. I'm sorry. It's the only one I know. It's the only one. Get out of here, old man. Get out of here, old man. Me and Sean White are trying to carve up some snow. Do you guys have any comedy stunts planned for your X Games episode? I was going to a snowboard off of a Bob Newhart space. I was trying to I was going to try to do a 900 rotation off of a half pipe, but what that is is that it rotates towards did what is what he just said racist. And then no,

I don't think it's racist. I think it is. And then I think it is. And then I think it is. And then I think it is. And then I land it. That's a slum. No, it's a slum. It's a turning in the air vacillating between if what I just said was racist or not. So go ahead and do that. Okay. Hey, gringos. That one, I feel like you, I feel like you botched that pretty much. No, wait, let me try it. No, I didn't do it right. Let me try it. Hey, gringos, I'm going to Harvard. Oh, okay. Wow. You see what that just did there? I just turned this perception on it. I'm going to turn the perception in back on itself. I'm going to say I'm going to try to say the word pussy, but I'm going to make it last for a whole minute. They'll stop. They'll give up. I'll tell you what

you can give up. Can you like keep going over me? So because like you want to say what we're doing, right? You got to do this. We're going to start right now. I might like keep doing the show over me. Oh, I thought you wanted to like barbershop Quartetness. Why would I ever want that? You failed. Pussy, pussy, pussy. How am I supposed to succeed if my fucking crew team is acting up? I can't. I'm not rowing the comedy boat forward. I'm trying to do fucking long form endurance comedy sports and you guys are trying to do short term shit on top of it and I'm sticking. I've trained for years. I'm trying to break the record for longest onscreen kiss here. Oh my God. My record just got stolen by the bachelor and now

I got to take it back. Can we? I know. You know what? We're going to talk about the bachelor because I have no other way to do this. In the latest episode, one of the dates was they went to the Guinness Book World Records, which first off, cool date. And second off, they made them break the record for longest onscreen kiss, which was like three minutes and 15 seconds. Really? I had to watch the and they didn't cut away. They did like window and window so like you could watch it happen the whole time. I watched two motherfuckers. ABC made me watch two motherfuckers put their mouths together for three minutes and 16 seconds and it was the least erotic thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah. Wait, what held the record before that? I don't know, but it was torture

born. Hustle four. I don't know what it was because it was fucking when you think about like all the all the spit in their mouths when they started like one and a half minutes in like surely we're almost done because my mouth has become a vault of spit and then they look over the half way through. It's a medical fact that after you kiss someone for three hundred and 16 seconds or three minutes and 16 seconds, you become a match for organ donors. Oh God, it was. That's true. It was rough stuff. It looks like the previous record holder was from a movie called Elena Undone in which two women kiss for three minutes and 15 seconds. Yeah. Let me just update my Netflix cue. So as you certainly guess right now, this is an advice show where we comedy and you can give us

a questions or give us a questions at mbmbam at maximumfun.org. We also take questions from the Yahoo News Answer Service and we take those and we make fun of those too. So you never know, kind of a grab bag here on the show. So let's grab a bag. Let's grab a bag and thump this melon. I have a little social media problem. All of my profile pictures are either years old or non-existent and I don't have any recent pictures of myself that I really like. I was planning on having someone take a good professional looking picture of myself and using that on my profile pic of everything. But now I think that might be a lazy solution. Someone who looks me up on each site would just see the same picture over and over again. Should I take the effort to make more

pictures of various settings or focus my energy into one really good picture? And that's from out of focus on Facebook. And that's from non-existing question in 10 years. Yeah. That is a really good question, I think. Is it? It is. It's the best question. Travis, you don't understand because you are in the theater. You have a built-in apparatus for having pictures of your face on hand up to date 24-sev. Justin, I don't have that. People just don't take pictures of me and Justin. They really don't. They can't find me. Sorry, paparazzo. But here's the thing though, it seems to me like it would be beneficial because you're building a brand and if you have the same picture on everything, but it's identifiable. It's like those people that signed up

in 1997 for a really super weird email address and are still using it when it would be easy just to have their own name. And then when someone's like, I want your email and you're like, it's Chewbaccafan72. Thank you for considering me for this job. Man, that's a fucking great email. How'd you land Chewbaccafan72? I think it's so unfair to have this conversation with a person in the family because you have thick people have an infinite supply of- Why does it sound like you're vomiting when you say it? Pictures of them in like dope costumes and armor and sword fighting in fire and beautiful ladies and explosions and shit. It's not fake. Me, if you took a picture of me at my job, you know, it looks like if I had a toilet, I'd be pooping all day. Hold on. Hold on. Let me

answer your question real quick. Do you think I work for Cirque du Soleil? Yeah, I think you're one of those bindi, orgy-loving frogs. That's what I think. But see, in the theater, we do have these things called headshots and it basically is the idea of one picture that you use for everything. But we are constant, like Griffin and I, we are in a job where if you try to treat, like, you do have to kind of treat yourself like an entity, like a brand that you are selling, but also the moment you are actually doing that, you're the pits. You're the worst. Right. So you gotta pretend you're stumbling into a great picture. You need to get and promote headshots, but with a level of discretion that is not required. In fact, it's kind of frowned upon,

I would say. Right. So I think that there's a market for this for us to capital. Whatever happened to, like, whatever happened to the industry of, like, Ma and Pa photo companies, where you, like, go and you get their homecoming pictures, does that still happen? Yeah, it's going on here. I guess. Really? Johnson's still going strong. It's a simpler time. Let me, let me suggest this. Next time you're hanging out with a bunch of friends, say, hold on, guys, I've got one other great friend I want to invite. His name is a popular photographer, Ricky Phillips. And then Ricky Phillips shows up and he's like, discreetly taking headshots of you with friends. So it looks like

you were just hanging out cash, but really he brings lighting. He snaps a great, great picture. He is going to need to thread a needle in order for this to be as discreet as we need it to be. It's gonna, he's gonna have to roll up and be like, yo, what up, Michael? Hey, buddy, haven't seen you since the funeral. Let's set up these lighting cones. So my photosynthesis will kick off because I, that's how I eat. I have a disease. I photosynthesize. I got a camera. Justin, Justin got me a camera for, for Jesus' birthday. And like, I bring it around to stuff now in Austin. Like anytime we, we have events, like I'll bring it around and snap some great JPEGs at people's faces. But I can't like

hand it off to somebody and be like, Hey, can you hold this? And it, man, if you wanted to snap a JPEG of the G-Man, I would not hate it. You know, I would not hate you for it. Just make sure you know, like this is like, like quantum physics. Like as soon as it becomes observed, it's pointless. Well, right. You just got to leave the camera on the ground and just walk away from it. And then just walk away. I hope my wife has seen me in the worst, like most compromising positions of my life. But if we are at a public event and I'm taking pictures of like her and people in the event, there is no shame greater than looking here in the eyes and say, Hey, can you take the camera for a while so I can be in some of the pictures?

Like people know that I was here too. I'm 32 years old. That's, that's, that can't be that way. That's why there's no videos. If you were a dad born before 1980, there's no video of you. You make, you probably don't exist. Right. You're just a voice in the background. Say no, don't eat that. Don't. And then what sucks the most is when you take all these great JPEGs and people's beautiful faces and we're talking like three megabyte files. We're talking big. We're talking potential billboards. And then they pull out there like Nokia 9700. Like let me snap you now. It's like, Oh, fucking great. Because I've always wanted a picture of me. That was exactly three

pixels. Just a two, 10 pixels on top of a brown. That looks like something you'd make on Mario paint. That's fantastic. Thank you. You're worrying about your aperture and your shutter speed. Do you even know about the rule of thumb on a greasy screen? And they're just like, Oh, I forgot to throw on the flash. Yeah. It's like, Oh, hold on. I've got a snake game I need to finish up. Have you been snapping a lot of JPEGs? Are those on your, you putting those on Facebook? I'm putting them on the book. Yeah. And people love them. And like there, there's a thrill that goes along with like uploading a bunch of JPEGs and then just like bouncing for the day. Maybe you don't use the internet. Maybe you get some farming done. And then you come back and there's

like 40 notifications of people like, I fucking love the way I look in this picture. It's like, yeah, it's because you look great. And this photo is great. Now where's, Oh, we're, let me go. Let me loose. Let me get me on the book. Get me into my zone. My Facebook profile picture is like me in like senior and high school, like a shitty beard. And I probably still have braces. I don't know. I don't know. Like it's not, I don't know how to use my. It's not your picture at all. I'm looking at your picture. Well, let me ask you that. I think we've talked before about like what makes a good Facebook picture. What makes a good Twitter profile picture? Uh, I think it's good if you have like a little, uh, like half of a word balloon in the picture.

So it looks like you're saying the thing that you're tweeting. That's not like that. I like that. It's gotta be, it's gotta represent who you are. Like it's got, for me, it's gotta be, it's gotta be funny. Like maybe I'm wearing like a loud shirt and I'm sort of shrugging. Like, I don't know. I like it when it, it looks like when it's in a small version, like it's nudity, but then you click on it and it's just like a really close up of your nose or something. Oh, that's how they get you. That's how YouTube, that's how YouTube gets you. That's how you got to expand your YouTube profile is like a split second clip of like something that looks like a butt, but then they click it and they watch it and it's your elbows and you, they got you,

they got your view. That's how, that's how you get them on Facebook. That's how you expand your profile. That's how Brent O'Fall has got all his views. He just puts lots of pictures of his elbows up there. Uh-huh. You put your elbows on there and maybe your elbows have nipples. Do you know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. Yeah. Maybe you've glued nipples onto your elbows. Now, that may not work so well on Facebook when like Yunani is scrolling around and then she sees your name next to a profile picture that looks like boobs or a butt and then she's like, I don't, why is, she'll click it though. She will. It's human nature. It's biology. It's physiology. You gotta know what's up with that butt. I will take pictures of anyone for, if you need, if you need your face on, if you need

a new face picture, then I will get that for you. If you want to tasteful, tasteful. I tried it at holidays when Griffin first got his camera. I got some great JPEGs of you. They're not super focused though and that's really important. You dick. I don't want to be a month. I don't want to be that guy. There's a really great picture of you where you look like Jamie Lee Curtis from that scene in True Lies. That was a good picture. I don't know how you did that with lighting and smoking stuff, but it looked great. Hey, do you have a Yahoo question answer? Answer? This Yahoo answer was sent in by Layla. Oh, thank you Layla. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ferra who asks, should I be worried if my girlfriend posted a twerking video on Facebook? My girlfriend,

my girlfriend and her best friend, they both posted a twerking video on Facebook and agreed to delete it after one hour. She used to be the girl who cheated and never settled down. Now since she's with me, she changed and settled down, but yet it's only been around three months together. She can go back any time. Wow. Should I tell her not to do it or should I just let her? Wow, that was a fucking rough one, guys. I am going to very quickly. Don't Google twerking. No, don't. You'll betray the cause. I'll just tell you what it is. Travis, what is it? Okay. You know when, you know, when she pops the booty and then she does a booty shake. Uh-huh. And in your head, all you hear is booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty.

Like in the hit song? Uh-huh. That is twerking and it shakes, shakes really fast. You're like, I don't know how to do that. Like, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how anybody does that, but that's what twerking is. Are you sure? Yeah, it's that fast butt shake or you're squatting down on the ground and you're like twerking it? Uh-huh. That word, there's, I've not heard a more incongruous word to dance action, I think, in my life. Like when you hear crumping, you think like, well, that just sounds like somebody violently flailing. I'm like, yep, that's pretty much it. Nailed it. But twerking it, it sounds like a, I don't know, it sounds like a fun, sounds like it could be like a kid's thing, like the, like the jerk, but for kids.

I put a, I put a twerking gif in the, in the Skype chat if you guys want to just check that out. It sounds like a tiny adjustment you make to some kind of bubble gum machine. Why would you put this in front of me? So you guys have a visual reference to what twerking is. I thought you wanted it. Oh goodness. Oh goodness. I don't know how this woman is doing this. Yeah, she's, I don't know how she's managing to, it's gotta be wires, maybe pneumatics. Yeah, this is like, this is like seeing the matrix for the first time, but each but she is twerking independent of the other. It's amazing. This gif was actually made by the wakowski brothers. They look like they're having a really terrible argument with each other. No, I like Bush. No,

I like Kerry. Um, we are on opposite sides of political spectrum and also a butt crack. Oh, I barely pulled myself away from it. I know. Let's, oh my God. The podcast is canceled. It is me. And now I'm going to kill the president. A Manchurian candidate in me. This twerking butt. Manchurian candidate in me. And I'm, I did not, I preached, I did not sign up for this when I Google image search twerking. I'd see why don't, but call it like rump bumping. You know, call it. Yeah. Rump bumping. Call it, um, call it that the, like jiggling or something like the jiggle jig or something like that. Like something that is more representative. I mean, you're talking about hip hop dance lingo that has

a word for when you, when you, um, finish on girls back and then stick a sheet to it. No, that's like, no, one, one, one 14 year old rapper saying that word in one of his songs, does not make it a cultural thing. Touchstone. No. I guess it's not actually technically a dance move either. No, God, I hope not. It would require, that would require some like pretty crazy muscle control in order to do that rhythmically. Yeah. Or just really amazing timing. You've got to get to the club now. Oh man. I was going to say that funny thing you said, and you said it. So I was like, well, this one goes to trap. Thank you. Dave set match game set match. Uh, Hey man, where's, uh, where's Tony? Always boss made him twerk late. Everybody's twerking for the week.

You know what? My favorite, my favorite friend Savage sitcom was twerking. Well, that was, that was a little on the nose. What? Let me try again. Okay. You don't have to be crazy to twerk here, but it helps. Okay. That's not bad. Would you, what's up with this guy though? Who's, who's girlfriend posted a twerking video on Facebook? That's, I mean, that's what, it's hard for us to cast, cast, like to throw any shade at this person because like they, that we just talked about that. We just talked about how you had to expand your social media profile any, which way, any, which way, but loose. And there's nothing loose about twerking it. Any, which way, but tight. And it's, you know, it's so hard to because you, and I can sympathize

with this. You, you spend so much time honing this skill of twerking and you want to share it that, you know, you don't want to keep your light under a bushel. You want to show everybody how you do. You know, you want to show them how you twerk. And, and, and I don't think it's right as a boyfriend to sort of limit your art that way. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. Especially when she's only putting it up for an hour. Just an hour. Now that, that I have. In the great span of the universe, she is only going to be visibly twerking for a blink of an eye. That is an excellent point, Travis. I do. However, I, why is she putting it up for an hour? This is what I, for a limited engagement and select theater. You know, I really, Sunday, Sunday,

for one hour only. I really wanted to watch Farrah's girlfriend twerking on Facebook, but it didn't come to my city, which is a real shame. I hear it's got a real, it's getting picking up a lot of Oscar buzz. Catherine. I got the, uh, I got the time zones maxed up. I thought it was at four Eastern, but it was at four standard. I missed it for standard. Now, is that a different time zone than Eastern in standard in standard time? Central. I meant to say central. Fuck. Damn it. There's a candle. Nice job. Now, Justin, you've been quiet for a while. I'm going to guess you've been Googling either the word twerking or maybe things with work in the titles that you could say twerk inside of. No, no. No. No. What were you going to say,

Justin? I just want to say, uh, twerking not. Okay. All right. That's no way to make living. Right. Okay. This, uh, this girl should look into Snapchat. What's that? That's a, that's a new thing the teens are doing where it's a self-destructing photo or short clip. You, it's, it's chat that you do with your friends, but the picture doesn't remain. And a lot of, a lot of people are saying, a lot of, a lot of folks are saying, Hey, this is made for sexting. Yeah. There is literally no other purpose for this. They are saying that only because that is exactly right. Yeah. It's a good thing. Is it made out of special vampire glass that you also can't take a picture of the temporary picture? Fuck and get it together, people. I figured it out in 35 seconds. And teens,

this is all they think about. All the teens think about is way to see dicks and boobs and butts and vaginas. They will figure it out in four seconds. Is it possible that Snapchat was created for pirate maps? Wait a minute. You don't want everyone to be able to find your hidden golds. You want it to self-destruct. You just want your friend Brenda to be able to find Brenda the pirate, your booty. This could be so I mean, either way, you're helping somebody find your booty. Sure. I mean, what you're using Snapchat for is booty centric. National Treasure 3, legend of, legend of Curly's gold, wherein Curly is the nickname for Benjamin Franklin. And then Nick Cage. Cause he had a, cause he had a hooked

wiener. Right. Like a pigtail. And then, and then Nick Cage. Keep turning. I'm not in. Nick Cage. Sit and spin, please. Or it's very painful. Nick Cage pours lemon juice and heats up an old parchment of Ben Franklin's and very quickly, an animated gift of Ben Franklin torquing it appears and then disappears. And inside of that torquing, it was Morse code. And what does it say? The constitution. The end. And then we learned that our greatest gift is freedom. The freedom to torque it as we choose, as we like. When Ben Franklin opens a bottle, it's wine. That's pretty much the end of the party. Right. Like, you know, once he gets to that point and he's corkscrewing it, then, then it's time for everybody to go home. Oh, you're talking about

with his dick still. With his dick. I already forgot the fiction we established. Well, let's rebuild the fiction. Okay, sorry. That's it. That's the thing about wine. Okay. Yeah, I said, I thought it earlier, but I didn't want to step on your toes there when you were saying something not as funny as opening a wine with his dick. So it's, it's a new kind of competitive collaboration. It's, it's like, uh, it's like American gladiators now. We're working together, but we're working against the American gladiators of our listeners. We're actively working against our listeners. We're trying to destroy them from the inside out. Let's do another question. Much like Ben Franklin having sex with a woman. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right now. That would be rough,

though. It would be pretty brutal, but God think about how smart he'd be after. Why? He would wait, he would like be having sex to you, and then he'd whisper and you're like quad vocals. And you'd be like, oh my God, DaVinci coded. He would drop, he would drop a, uh, what are those things called? They used to, like good advice. What are they called? It's got like a whole book of them. Twerk? Poor Richards. The poor Richards Almanac. He would like lean in and be like, it's super good to get bone by a corkscrew penis. And then you'd be like, that's, I didn't even think about it that way, but that's. So poor, poor Richards would help them forget about his poor dick. That's what you're saying. He's awesome, Jake. No, cause like poor. Next question. I like to stay

current and I spent a lot of free time getting up on the latest in politics, movies, music, viral videos, et cetera. So when a friend of mine sends me a music video or a clip of some dumb shit Bill O'Reilly said, chances are I've already heard about it. How can I tell them that without sounding like a pretentious douche? Impossible. Impossible. That's from Two Hip in Texas. The answer is you cannot. Nope. Nope. Here's the skill you need to learn. Pretending. Let me give you it. Let me give you it one step deeper because everybody, if you exist on the internet and the very fact that you're listening to this podcast suggests that you do. Everybody knows everything about the pop culture. Like everybody already knows everything and that person who's

even telling you that shit, they even know that you know about it already. It's like an established social courtesy. It's like a handshake. It's like, I'm going to tell you this thing you already know and I'm going to see whether, how good you do at pretending that you don't know about it. Or here's the solution. What's that? It's the agreement. When they're like, check out this awesome video, you go, I know, right? It's awesome. Like you don't have to go. Oh, I've seen it. I'm really happy for internet because I feel like if I didn't have internet, I would be hurtling towards just sort of like old age obscurity, like not knowing what's going on. But I feel like I have this tool now where I'm just like in like no time in history before I'm just like clinging

to the side of the youth comment. Like, ah, you cannot shake me. I will continue to know what's going on. I will not become relevant. You are a koala bear clinging to the eucalyptus tree of youth. Yes. You cannot get the youth elliptus tree. That's me. I'm just clinging to the side of my stubby little claws. Let me give you one word that will fix your whole problem to hip. Here's the one rude response. You ready? Classic. This means two things. One, this video you show me is new and it will go down in my classic archive of classic comedy bits. To you, it means classic. One I've seen many times, but I'm happy you're reminded of. You have just been honest and lied with one word. Classic. May I just counter argument that is actually the douchiest

thing you could possibly say. Classic. Classic bit. That is classic internet right now. Gangnam style? That is quintessential. Gotta have Gangnam style. Okay, first off, 2013, can we stop with douche? Can we let it go? In the film premium rush, Detective Monday, when he's chasing Wiley, the Joseph Gordon Levitt character on the bike, he says, I can't believe you can just say douche on TV anymore. I think that's really offensive. Kids could be listening. And I was watching the movie and of course, rooting against his character because he's trying to get the envelope from Joseph Gordon Levitt. He's dead. But I was thinking, that's true. We should let douche go. I think we're done with douche right now. I think douche

has gone around and eaten its own tail. Oh, gross. Fuck. Can we instead, can we substitute for douche? Can we just say premium rush instead? This guy's a real fucking premium rush pretending that he hasn't seen Gangnam style. Okay, but there is the point though, as you pointed out with Gangnam style, where it's like when your friend goes, Oh my God, have you seen this video? It's of a baby panda sneezing where you can go. Yes. Of course, I've seen it. That was the first video on the internet. You fucking premium rush. What does that do though? That this is what I'm saying to you. Telling the truth in that situation gets you nothing. You get no I disagree because here's what you're doing. You're saving that same friend from going around to all of his other friends

and being like, check out this awesome video. I got this music video called Gangnam style. This is exactly my point. People always try to say this when it's talking when they're talking about correcting people. Like, well, if I correct them, then they won't do it. Not true. Not true because you they are going to resent you for being the one that corrects them. If you don't correct them, they'll resent the next person. You get to maintain relationship relationship. You can create a safe space for them to be wrong in is what I'm saying. If like one of my friends came out and was like, Hey, have you seen this movie, The Godfather? I just checked it out. It's pretty good. I think you should watch it. It's a little indie film for my believe the sixties. Then I want to be able to

tell that. It's also possible your friend's been in a coma for 30 years. I want to be able to tell that friend like, Hey, bud. Hey, awakening. Hey, bud. You know you're my bud, right? But that's what you just said was so wack. And if you say that in front of people that that don't love you like I love you, then you're going to get your premium rush. You're going to. Yeah, you're going to be in a spot of trouble. Have you guys seen this premium rush movie? Hey, friendo, friendo, you need to lock that up. Okay. I love you like a brother. There are people out there who don't. They're rooting against you. Everyone wants you to fail. I don't. I'm in your corner awakenings. I want to teach you about culture as it is today. That's that's the hardest part.

That's the least believable part about watching homeland is this this cat, you know, the lead cat has been in prison for eight years and then gets back in 2012. The idea that anyone could be separated from this culture for eight years and then live for more than a week after is insane to me. There it is insane. You basically become the old guy from Shawshank Redemption when that happens. Yeah, you work at the grocery store, but you still have to ask to use the bathroom. At one point he says, Have you seen this video YouTube? And I'm like, Oh my God, you would never be able to catch up. Yeah, you would never. You would just sit for the computer all. I mean, I do that ever. It is a four hour job every day. Don't tell my boss to keep up with internet culture. You know,

this guy's been out for eight years. What's hot right now juice in the internet? Yeah, in the youth culture. No, in the prison culture. This is going to surprise you. Okay. Yeah, I'm getting into it lately. Past 20 minutes. So it seems to be going pretty good. I'm afraid I'll hurt my butt if I try it. Hey, you know what? If you really want to hurt your butt, I got a great place to head. It's extremestraints.com. It's an adult super site for all kind of transition the money zone you dickhole. Well, like he can put it in. I don't need to say money zone. Speaking of, he can put it. Speaking of, he can put it in. And that's extremestraints.com is an adult super store for every hole. Every hole in your

family is going to get serviced. I don't mind. There are several holes in my family that I would prefer to remain vacuous. No, your body family, like my body is a family of hole. Every one's body. You know, brother but hole. Mother but hole. Father Tate. My body is a family of holes. Father Tate sounds like the worst character from like New Year's, Rudolph, shiny New Year. I am Father Tate. I welcome in the new baby Tate. You must rescue Father Tate or there will never be another Quonsa. This is all awful. Trinity 10 speed vibrating egg. I love my vibrating egg that I have currently, but doesn't offer me enough specificity. Jesus. You just had to remote sex toys and you can get

the Trinity 10 speed vibrating egg and it looks like that retails for 78 bucks and you're going to be able to pick it up for $39.95. That is fucking savings and a half. With that savings, you can go and you can buy like 10 dozen real eggs and then cook a big dinner for your family. An egg dinner. Now, I, so here's another straight from extremestraints recommended product, the ball tugging stroker. Okay, hit me. Okay. I mean, do we really need the explanation? It's all, it's literally all, all of its functions are eponymous. Every word there just says it. What did you, it tells balls while you stroke. It's the ball tugging stroker extremestraints.com. You're going to be able to get 20% off any of these different pen traders, pen traders that you buy.

Holy shit. It looks like a penis exoskeleton. Right. Sure. It's so awesome looking. It's like a sweet voltron. If I could get just through one day without you saying that out loud, it's like an exoskeleton for your penis within like a special thing that goes around your balls, so that as you stroke it, it talks on your balls. When your penis has to do battle with a xenomorph, the best option is extremestraints.com. Do you need a penis carapace? Here you go. Can I wear that? So I just, well, we haven't actually talked about this. I joined an inter-rural softball league. Uh-huh. Can I wear that in sports equipment? I think you're fine. Phenom. Yes. Also, it's a great way to intimidate your, your competitors. Yeah,

especially if you have it out. Tuck it out a little bit. Uh-huh. I'm not going to be able to defeat that penis. Yeah. So coupon code middleist, 20% off is what you're going to save. Head to the website extremestraints.com. They are, they are the biggest supporters of our program and maybe it's time to spice things up a little bit. You know, Valentine's Day is coming up soon. That is true. And, and, and, and what better gift, what says romance like a cup for her nipple? Right. Now at this point, we've done, let me check. Yes, we've done 10,000 extremestraint commercials. So I assume that all of you have spent millions and millions of dollars there. So it's also important that you go back and review all the products that you've purchased,

give it, you know, a nice positive review and tell them MBNBAM sent you. Yeah. Yeah, that would be good too. My best friend and I have been friends with benefits for almost two years now. A couple months ago when I got my apartment, he immediately moved in with me. Even before then, we hung out literally every day playing games and watching movies and snuggling to the point where I became hard to hang out with other people since I'm kind of his only friend. He pretty much treats like a girlfriend, but insists he doesn't feel love. What do I do to make him love me? Listen to me. Listen to me wants out of the FWB zone. Listen, you deserve better than this. You have made this very easy for this person and I listen, we all have done this. So I'm not beating

up on you, but you deserve better than this. You don't, you don't, aren't going to make this person love you. You are going and you shouldn't even try. You shouldn't even try. Sounds like a fuck, the biggest premium rush ever. He is a huge, he is a big premium rush and I know you're going to live with him. That's fine. You know, you guys be friends, but listen, something about cow and milk. You know? Yeah. I forget it, but there's something about there's a saying about it. You should look on Urban Dictionary for what it says about cows and milk. You are providing this person with every, every function of a girlfriend. Well, not only that, but you're also providing what sounds like with shelter. Well, no, I mean, food. Yeah, it sounds like, well,

I mean, living with you as well. And he doesn't have any other friends. Oh my God. Listen to me. Listen. It's time. It's that, listen, the snuggle train and the sexing train. That train, that train just pulled into the station. Everybody off. It's time for him to fly on his own little bird out of the nest because you know, can I just really, why would a bird ride on a train? Because the birds, it's a long distance. He is tired. Listen. This is a train for birds. This is the best thing I've ever heard in my life. What if you're the only human being on that train? You're like, oh, this, oh, fuck. Oh, it's a bird train. God damn it. It's a bird train. Listen, you are, you have gone through the, the physical motions of being in a relationship and in much

the same way that if you smile long enough, you're going to feel happier. You, the emotions have followed. Like it's completely rational and logical that you feel the way you do. And it's fucked that he doesn't. Justin, what you've just described is a prime example of why the friends with benefits cannot be a long-term like arrangement because it's fun at first, but after a while, emotions always follow for at least one of the party. Right. You know what I mean? And it always gets messy. But what I'm saying is that maybe this is the arrangement that she wanted also for a while, but have, has only now developed feelings. Like I'm not saying we have to make this guy out to sound like a total monster. You know what I mean? But like if you, if he's not done with what you

want now, then it's time to find a new thing. Yeah. But by, by, by me saying it sucks that he doesn't feel what you feel, I'm not saying that it's because he's a bad person. I'm saying it, it sucks for you, but you are, you are never going to be happy in a relationship. And this goes for everybody, by the way. You are never going to be happy in a relationship that you had to con somebody into being in with you. Like you're never, I mean, never going to make you happy. If you changed the context and you were dating this person and like you wanted to say get married and they couldn't see ever taking the relationship to that level, then you would know you needed to get out of it. This is just like one step back. You want to take your relationship to the

next level. They don't. That's a sign that you need to end the reason I called this dude a major premium rush is because he actually said out loud. Oh, I don't feel love. Yeah. Does he mean towards you? Or does he mean like AI style? Good question. No, because then even in fucking AI, his love was real, but he is not. Right. Exactly. This guy's like a reverse AI. There. I don't know, guys. I think that you're above it. And probably, you know what, probably he is too. It sounds like it's not a, it's not the right circumstance for either one of you. So continue being friends and maybe even continue being roommates. But like you need to end the difference with benefits. If you're going to start benefiting other people, then I don't think

living with this dude is going to be a hot plan. Okay. Okay. I amend it then. It's probably time for him to move out. Yeah. Listen, it's time for you to go. I'm time to get on that big, long bird train. With all the other quack. Oh, man. Listen, I know it sucks, but please take care of your heart and cut it off before you do more damage to yourself or you miss out on any more good days. Like just get it over with, get the heartbreak over with and move on to somebody who deserves you. Don't cut your heart off, though. That's don't cut your heart off. That's true. Just, you know, you guys want a Yahoo? This Yahoo answer was sent in by IRA. Are you IRA? Who wants to know? Not me. Yahoo answers user Zach Z. Griffin doesn't care who you are. I don't give a fuck. Come on. Come on.

To the greatest show on earth. This Yahoo is Yahoo answers user Zach Z. Who asks, how do you get the side splits? Fast. I'm going to get into a special dance team, and I need to get the splits. They are going to see if I can in about two weeks. I'm pretty far, but not far enough. Help. Have someone push you down. Say, I'm going to do a side split. Someone can push me down. It's really just mind over matter, isn't it? You got to keep a moist supple taint, though, or else you'll whip. Never. Ever again. Never again, those three words. Never. Well, because once it starts dripping, chances are it's just going to keep going, and pretty soon you'll be split in twain. That's really how you train your body to do that, right?

Like that particular part of your body has to become wider, right? Well, because, okay, so this leads me to a question I've been wondering for a long time. That's what they don't show you when people who are doing a side split is when they're not side splitting. Their taint is hanging below them like a saddlebag. Like a turkey gobbler. Yeah, it looks like a waddle. It looks like a waddle. A gobbler is what children call it. Are you, is that another way of people who don't know what it's called? Call it? Well, no, no. That's what idiots do. No, I mean, there might be children listening. It leads me to a question I've always wondered, which is if you got someone strong enough,

and they, whilst tugging someone, grab both of their butt cheeks and pull the part really hard, could you rip someone in half? Because I feel like the butt crack is like that little slit that they make in packages that allow you to open it easily. Yeah, sure. And it's like God's way of saying, rip this person in two. Right, sure. It's your Achilles heel, except it's your asshole. It's your perforation. Have you never wanted that, you guys? You've never wanted that? Come on. Why God perforated us? You're saying that if you were a terror human being in half long ways, that the best place to start would be the butt cheeks, because it's natural handles, and also there's already- Obviously, I mean, that's a given. That's not my question. My question is,

I don't know if anyone's ever tried it before, but would it be a clean break? Could you do it into? I don't think that anyone, I don't even think Hulk Hogan in his prime could do that. Maybe the power team could. Maybe. It was a blessing of God's will. I just thought about it, and I watched the Hulk Hogan sex tape, and he actually did do that. I take it back. Brother, are you ready for my special move, brother? Here it comes. I'd rather not. Hulk may be as much of a run wild all over your butt and your vagina. I'm going to tear your butt in half. Then there was a 48 hour man hunt. Only one man could leave tracks like this.

It's just Hulk Hogan running naked through the woods. Did you guys see the legends? Somebody call Tommy Lee Jones. I didn't destroy that butt, Hulk Hogan, sir. I'm pretty sure you did. We actually have a sex tape of you doing it. I'm Hulk Hogan destroying this butt. You have butt blood all over your hands. We can tell. Sir, Andre the Giant is dead. There's nobody else. Have you guys seen that Hulk Hogan honor the Giant's sex tape? Oh my God. It's just, oh my God. Both of them in a test for dominance trying to tear the other ones with their butt.

It's like the opening scene in Melancholia where the two planets collide. That's basically what we're talking about. It's like the last scene and over the top. He said it's under the bottom. Oh man. Can we be done? Oh, Hulk Hogan, it feels so good. I didn't think I would like the way it feels inside, but I do in fact like the way it feels. I'm going to call the new Hulk Hogan. What the hell is that impression?

That's what Andre the Giant sounds like. Make coyness, of course. Because it sounds like the baby of Andre the Giant's so bastard alone. If you tear my butt in half, then I do not think I will laugh. Anybody want a penis? Hulk Hogan, perhaps you. Should we make a vote? I have four gallons of wine in my room. Oh, fuck. I have a bag of 30 hamburgers.

I have that giant armchair Gallagher used to you. I have a bicycle built for two. It is just mine. I'm going to snap into some butt cheeks. What are you doing? Get out of here. Randy, watch out. Nobody wants you here. Someone wants to tear your butt in half. We're getting tender. Get out of here. Oh, yeah, I have a lance. Tear my butt in half.

Get out of here, Randy. Please. Randy, please. Some of us are adult trying to make love. Well, everyone's childhood is ruined. Sorry, everybody. Hey, at least we didn't make the very obvious Jake the Snake Roberts joke. Okay, so that's going to do it for us here on My Brother, My Brother, and Me. I believe. I don't think we can ruin anything else. There's nothing else I can think of to ruin. Well, there's lots of other things we could ruin, but we have lots more episodes to do. We got to save it. Yeah, we got to save it.

Thank you to everybody tweeting about the show, the Davenport, Evan Weston, Bearden Bowtie, Evil Chase, LG, Jared, Don Chapel, Ted Winscott, Crazy Legs 2, everybody. We really appreciate it. And so thank you. We got a thread going on the MaxFun forums. We're going to make a new sampler, and we want your suggestions for what bits we should include. And if you can, throw in like an episode number and a time code, if possible, to tell me where to look. That'll make it a lot easier to get all that set up. I want it. And while you're on MaximumFun.org, make sure to check out all the other MaxFun podcasts, Therig Shade, Jordan Jesse Go, Bullseye, Josh John-Hondreman, Risk, Memory Palace,

International Waters. What am I forgetting? Stop podcasting yourself. Stop podcasting yourself. There's always one. There's like 13 shows, and they're all free and they're all amazing, but it's hard to remember them. They're all like a bunch of words, you know? Well, that's because MaximumFun.org is a website on the grow. That's true. I want to thank John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Even they have a podcast, Rodgerick on the Line, with Merlin Man from You Look Nice Today. It's not on the MaximumFun network, though. Am I allowed to endorse it? I think so. Yeah, I think that's fine. Legally speaking,

I think you're in... Let me check our contract. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. And yeah, if you... Oh, we're trying to plan some live shows. We're doing MaxFunCon West, so get your tickets if there are even any still available. It's like the most fun weekend ever. But we're going to try and do some more live shows, hopefully somewhere up New England, the Boston, New York, Philly region. So if you have any suggestions, drop those in the forum too, or email us at movinbammatmaximumfun.org. And make sure that when you email us, that you put in the subject line either say live show in there or something along those lines so that when we're scanning through, I can pick this out. Yeah, it's finally Yahoo! Answer question was sent in by

Adam Schwally. Thank you, Adam. It's by Yahoo! Answers. These are Abdulia, who asks, can you get a tattoo while breastfeeding? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother and me. He's your dad. Let's go down the lift.