My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 139: Minority Groundhog Report

Episode Date: February 4, 2013

Art thou brave enough to conquer the latest episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me? Dost thou possess the constitution to bear our sports references? Can you survive Justin's truly horrific audio quality? You cannot. You have died. Suggested talking points: Puppy Bowl XFL, Co-Worker in the Iron Mask, Valentine Minefield, Homemade 24, Love in a Hopeless Place, Oh No, Undergroundhog

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brothers, my brothers, and me, the right ship for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and we are all a fever for Super Bowl Sunday. Big, big game Sunday. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Big game Sunday. The commission might be listening, because God knows he's not busy

governing the rules of the NFL, right guys? Right, I'm gonna be governing them too much, depending on what the popular wisdom is there that will make us seem plugged in. That touchdown in that Broncos game was highly suspect. I'm just excited to see, a lot of people say they watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. I watch it for the concussions. I want to see someone have some lasting damage. I watch it for those awesome plays where the dude can't get over the line so he dives over everyone. God, those are awesome. I love those divers. I love the plays where a shirtless man runs out of the stands and has soy bomb written on his chest, and dances around midfield.

That's a real shame that that is your wheelhouse, Justin, because that's an incredibly rare, it's like... Not a frequent occurrence. I watch the big game specifically through the Star Spangled Banner. Yeah, who's dropping it on us this year? I have no idea. No, I like to surprise myself with that. It's actually... I try not... No spoilers, you know what I mean?

They're gonna wheel out a small television of a pre-recorded video of Beyoncé singing it. Now, are we gonna have... I know that there's a tradition of sort of supplementary bowls. Oh, yeah. There's, of course, the Bud Bowl. I'm way more excited for the Puppy Bowl. Oh, the Puppy Bowl. I didn't know they were still doing that. Yeah, they're doing it. And now they have... I think this year they have like Piglet Cheerleaders or some shit. They're really... They're getting way too... They're getting very commercial.

Oh, they've sold out. Yeah. I'm actually starting my own Puppy Bowl as part self-entertainment, part protest. Oh, kind of like an underground Puppy Bowl. An underground Puppy Bowl. It's a lot more... Like the puppies are more like into the sport, you know, they're more into the game of it, so they're a lot... They're way more violent is... So, an X maybe like the XFL of Puppy Bowl. It's the XFL. So, like an arena Puppy Bowl.

There's an arena Puppy Bowl. I have a tiny... A tiny schnauzer called He Hate Me. He's a new mix. You're welcome, XFL fans. XFL fans really loved that He Hate Me youth and... If you don't know about that one, Google that. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love that guy. But I'm having a lot of problems with dog fatalities.

Griffin, can you describe to me sort of the... I'm sure you're using different rules. Yeah, it's sort of a... You describe to me the flow of play. Right, we're basically talking about a one-on-one sort of street ball, except they usually just ignore the ball altogether and just try to kill each other. And but like in... I guess in their defense, like there's a bunch of people standing around in a circle screaming and throwing money. Griffin, I'm sorry.

Yeah, wait. It sounds... Sounds a lot like a love of the game, right? No, it sounds like you're hosting a dog fighting ring. It sounds like a dog fighting... Yeah, a dog... Is there a ball? There is a ball, but it's sort of like... It's a little off to the side, you know? Sure. Is there any kind of referee or like rule system?

No, XFL baby, love of the game, love of the sport. Love of the sport. Maybe is there a roughery? This is a kind of game she can expect from our hidden vision. Did you guys introduce yourselves? I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. Please don't call any cops or animal cops or...

I realize that's how you sing. Like saying all these things out loud. Yeah, don't call the dog, please. Don't call dog the bounty hunter. Let's get in the advice. Do you know dog the bounty hunter only specifically hunted dogs for sport? You mean the dog bounty hunter? It's just a switching of the article there.

Boba pet. The dog hunter. Guys, Boba pet. Boba pet. Are we gonna give advice? I'd like to, yes. I hang out with this girl at my office. We take our lunches together and chat all day.

She makes work fun. Lately, she keeps telling me how attracted she is to me and how it makes her feel awful because she has a boyfriend and now has suggested we stop hanging out all together. I like her. I think she's a cute girl, but I just want to keep on being office buddies. Oh my God. How do I get her to stop obsessing about how handsome she thinks I am?

I don't know, but when you figure it out, you tell me, brother. Just choke her out and have fun like the old days. That's from just friends in Florence, Kentucky. This guy sounds a lot like when you're in high school and everybody gets their physicals to join the wrestling team. And the one guy comes back and is like, yeah, just apparently my, the doctor said my wiener is like abnormally enormous. Like, sure, sure, pal, sure.

Too big for, for contention. He's in a whole nother weight class. I don't know. He said I couldn't do wrestling time. You gotta, I think if you really want to get serious about this, you got to go full man in the iron mask. Yeah, that's it. That's really the,

I was sitting here thinking, I'm glad you said it first, Griffin, but because it almost seemed too obvious. But yeah, definitely man in the iron mask. Lock your face in sort of a prison of iron. Sure. I don't remember man in the iron mask, but I think it was because like the queen was sexually attracted to Leo DiCaprio, because why wouldn't she be?

And so they, the king was like, I got to lock it up. Got to lock that face, that sweet face up. And he did, locked it right up. And yeah, because it couldn't handle his beauty. Made him look like Ultraman a little bit. I feel like they were mixing their, mixing their time periods a little bit. Yeah. It got a little mixed up.

I did like it when he got his repulsor raise and started leg ways to the bad guys in France. Yeah. That was pretty cool. The man in the iron man. Yeah. I don't understand this question. Uh, well, see, she's into him, but he's just not that into her.

But, but is she really into him or is this like, I'm really bored at the office and you're kind of cute. It sounds like, it sounds like she wants to get a Jim Pam thing going, but she's, her heart's not fully in it. She still loves Roy. Giving, giving you the half Jim Pam. And that's because I, I find that that kind of thing doesn't work when you blatantly spell it out to the other person.

But listen, I'm going to just lay all my cards on the table. I like you. I think you're really handsome. I've got a boyfriend. I don't know. Is it, is it not? We'll find out. We'll find out on this climactic season finale of the shitty office.

The problem, the problem with your situation is you're, you're trying to push the story forward too fast. She's wanting that like season six Jim and Pam. Oh, right. And you're still in that season one Jim and Pam where you may not even yet realize that she's the girl for you. Right. Right.

Whatever you don't get passed forwarded. Don't get the season eight Jim and Pam where it's like, is there a new love interest? Of course there's not. Of course there's not. I'm a fucking adult. The office don't talk to me like I'm a child. Do you think you could just really lay it out for like, listen, I appreciate

you think I'm handsome. But let me tell you this ain't never gonna happen. It's never gonna happen between you and me. Can you sing a few verses of never gonna get it? Except I guess change the words to never gonna happen. That's just it suggested. Never gonna happen, never gonna happen, never gonna happen. Yeah, I need you guys on harmony.

Never gonna happen, never gonna happen, never gonna happen, never gonna happen. I can edit it. I can edit it in. You know I always hated about that song. Sorry to completely change. Didn't you guys hate it when like they edited the song to make it sound like they were cutting back to the radio and then they would bring it back for like another like another stanza?

You remember that? Yeah, I got excited because like I always feel whatever an invoke song ends, I always get a mild depression when I think, oh, God, I can't believe it's over already. I know. And then wait, it's not. I know. It really ruins your expectations for all other radio music though, right?

Just wait, it's coming back. Like gonna come back on. Hotel California. After this commercial. Hotel California goes off and you're like, wait, it's coming back. I know it. Encore. Ah, fuck.

Here comes the drop, the hotel California drop. I can honestly say that no one has ever listened to Hotel California and wished it would come back on. Oh man, I wish there was more of that Eagle song. I mean, because it's good news for whoever feels that way. You could just switch to a different channel and hey, it's on there too. Yeah, it's probably on somewhere else. You know, normally I push an honest discussion on this sort of thing, but

I think you have to be respectful of the fact that if this woman is into you, then it may be hard for her to just do the friend thing. I mean, that may not be easy for her. Yeah, it's fine. We don't usually get the question from this side. You know, we get a lot of that like the person telling the question asker that they are not interested in just want to be friends. I think that when that happens, like you got to respect it and to say, hey, drop it and just be

cool again. That's kind of being a little bit inconsiderate of her feelings. You know, she's trying to do the right thing and say, I've got a boyfriend. I'm attracted to you. This isn't right. We shouldn't hang out anymore. And for you to try to push it, I think there's a little callus. So maybe just give it some time and as with most things,

eventually it'll get back to a place where you guys can probably hang out. The good news about the human heart is that if she tries to deny herself you, you're going to become more attractive than you could have ever possibly been before. You'll be a tantalizing forbidden fruit hanging from the branch of the HR department. And she has, and you know that that is a feeling everyone has always wanted to have. Yeah. Give this, give this thing six more months of you ice it, putting it directly on ice. And then after those six months coming in your bicycle shorts, she will literally explode.

She will literally, she will literally disintegrate at the subatomic level. Yeah. And if all else fails, you could maybe go with like a really overly sculpted facial hair and just really turn her right off the whole. Oh yeah, like the guy from Hunger Games. That would be great. Just stop bathing. Just really, why don't you just garbage yourself up?

Like real good. Next time she's like, listen, you're too attractive. Next time she says you're too attractive. And she can't, she just can't help herself. Have her put her hand on a chair. And then you sit on the chair and you fart on the top of her hand. And then you put on a trilby. Then you're done.

You are out. This is my fart cap. This is your, you have a fart. And do you enjoy my trilby? My overly sculpted facial hair. We are now, no? And then you're fine. You can be friends again.

I guess. That would work. That would work. You'd have a crazy story to tell all your other friends. Gryffindy, did you bring in a Yahoo answer question? I brought a small satchel. Open up that drawstring. Let me see what's in there.

Pull open this drawstring and reach deep down. This one is actually surprisingly pretty germane. It was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? I like sometimes you give us, you give us both parts. Sometimes you just give us who wants to know. If I thought you guys would give me who wants to know,

I would, I would stop delivering it, but I know it'll never happen. Nope. Maybe, maybe it's Christmas. I would also like to point out from our emails this week, how many people are utterly confused when Justin does that? Oh, some people don't get it. Some people love it.

My friend Anna here in Austin listens. It's her favorite thing in the show, which makes me question everything about her. And our show. It's asked by Yahoo answers user Ahmed who asks, What to get for ex-co-workers for Valentine's Day? I left the company a month ago and want to surprise them by sending them something.

What is a good surprise gift for three female friends I used to work with? They are between 25 and 35. Please nothing too suggestive. If they're your former co-workers and you get them a Valentine's Day present, trust me, it will be a surprise gift. And it will be suggestive too, unless it's like a racer's.

Like these, why do we get shit from you? I've got to use some silly bands. Why did Tony send us some shit? Like I don't even remember the shape of that dude's face. Because I hardly knew it when we worked together and that was nigh upon a month ago. I don't care if you send them a shitty cut. Cut out Valentine that says like,

you complete bees. And then there's a picture of bees. They still are going to think that you're upset. I don't care if you send them a Ziploc bag full of bees. I don't care. You come into the office covering your bees. And then on the bag, you've scrawled out, let's be buzz like buds so that people get the bees.

You really missed it because you could add bee in there and then let's be, but you blew it. Let's be buzzed. And then like your platonic intention couldn't be any more clear or thorough and they would still think you're trying to fuck. Yeah, I think the idea. Well, you'd be my honey.

Nah, damn it. That was nice. It's really good. I think the idea. Be mine. Okay, stop. I want to dip mine. You're drunk on power.

I want to dip my proboscis deep in your stamen and suck up the sweet humors of your sweet leaves. As friends. As buds, as buds though. I think that getting Valentine's Day presents for anyone that is not your significant other is just stupid. Right. I think back to when I was in elementary school

and how you get Valentine's for everybody in your class, like teacher, bro friends, like ladies that you are interested in but are clearly so, so, so far outside of your price range because they already had their braces and you are still coming out. Things are such a minefield. You have to consider everyone has a different message on it

and they're in varying states of plutonic mess. Right. So you have to weigh who is going to get this card and then you have, so once you get that sorted out, who's going to get the appropriate message. You fuck up. Then you have like 20 cards on your desk of like signals to sort through.

You switch. You're a mild ass burger. You switch one envelope. You switch one envelope of your Spider-Man themed Valentine's and give like weirdo Barry in the corner, the one that has Mary Jane on it saying like, looking good tiger, you're done. You're done.

Sorry. Change goals. You are done. Become a Catholic. Go to the Catholic school. You're done. Change your name. Fugue State.

Pack them up. Move them away. You are done, Zo. Frozen in carbonite. Wait for 100 years. Follow you out. And then in all these big, you start to rebuild your life. Hopefully.

Until the creepy kid's grandson remembers you as that guy. The legacy of your ultimate shame will follow you through generations. Legend tells of a young man. He handed out the wrong Valentine. I mean, disappeared into the mist. I don't, I do not envy this dude or anybody who feels like they have to buy a Valentine's Day present for anybody.

Other than like, I only buy a Valentine's Day gift for one person, my fiance, my finance. And like, that is already like puts a crippling amount of pressure on me. If I had to double that, or apparently is this person thinks quadruple that. Like, I'm here's the issue here is that this gentleman is not being honest with himself because I'd be willing to bet. If this dude's wanting to buy presents for these three ladies, he is in love with at least one of them.

I don't know. Yeah, right. He's trying to lay out smokescreen, but he probably doesn't even realize it himself. All right. Let me free everybody up from some, some of the pressure here. You know, it's that he and I get each other for Valentine's Day Rear. What?

What's that? Nothing. You know why? It's not because we don't love each other. It's because I've already given herself. I've already given to Sydney my time and my consideration. I've given her my life and that is the greatest gift of all. Well, my body, my best.

You give her your physical love. I give her my physical, sexual beak to our marriage. And honestly, we make each other feel like we love each other every day. I don't wait for a dumbass like thing. I buy Teresa Flowers like randomly throughout the course of the year. I don't need, I don't need like a day to be like, hey, dummy, be sweet today. Hey, you know what guys? I'm actually thinking about getting up in the attic and getting the Christmas tree out again.

What the fuck are you talking about? Love should be a once a, once a year thing. Why, why can't we give presents and have love for each other every day? Why do we have to wait for Christmas? It's the middle of September. So where are the Easter eggs? Good luck. German, are you suggesting that we should only be allowed to love each other?

Hold your affection until one day. Some kind of horrible 1984-esque world in which somebody was holding hands and so they had to be reeducated. Are you saying, Justin, that we should be able to eat turkey and stuffing whenever the fuck we want? No, we do it on Thanksgiving because that's when you do that thing, because it's when the Indians and pilgrims got together and sorted it out. I think we stopped celebrating it on the day when we saw a little person stripper at

Southern Exposure and we kind of knew after that, like, well, we were not going to top this. She actually had one move where she painted her boobs and then pressed her boobs on a shirt and then sold the shirt. I'm hoping for gas muddy home. I need to delve into this. Did you go to Southern Exposure knowing that there was going to be a little person stripper there or was it a pleasant surprise? It was a pleasant surprise trap.

We just happened to go on Valentine's Day because what else are you going to do? I'm sure it was full of other loving couples. Celebrate your love and watch love actually and eat chocolate and look at the flowers. Love actually is a Christmas movie. Oh, it's a two times a year movie, Justin. Unlike love, which is apparently 365 days a year. I know. I'm setting the bar so high.

Do you think if they allowed prisoners to have conjugal visits every day that jail would just be like, I'm going to jail. Cool, because I can fuck every day if I want. It's the making it once a day. It's once a year that makes it special. Yeah, they should make everybody only have conjugal visits on February 14th once annually because can you imagine the smell? You can hear.

You can hear the love sounds down the street. Oh my God, sounds like a mop factory in there. Your windows would shake like someone next door was listening to Mystical. It would just be a pounding, resounding base of incarcerated meat slapping against freedom. I've had a brainstorm. What if? So Valentine's Day, February 14th is the day of love. Six months later, it's the day of hate.

Why? Wait a minute. What? Right? No. That's just the day of just like going up to the person you dislike at work and be like, hey, I hate you. Let's air this out.

You stink. I think you're a big old stinky Pete and I don't like you anymore. So are you saying on August 18th every year we should just be like, hey buddy, fuck you. Yeah, but then that's going to get confusing because then you have those three people that you used to work with a month ago that you fucking hate and you don't know how to like send them dookie, I guess. I don't know what the protocol is for this holiday that you've just invented. What's the proper amount of dookie to send to someone you don't work with anymore?

I mean he could cups or how do you translate liquid cups of dookie to solid dookie? What's the measurement conversion? Could we go a single week without talking about converting solid dookie to liquid dookie? Just another question. OK. A few months ago I rented out my second bedroom to a friend of mine. He has since moved out but has left some things behind. He asked if I was interested in a few items I acquiesced because hey, new couch.

The issue stems from the rest of what he left behind. Several boxes, DVD and the like, musical instruments, clothes and shoes. I've texted him several times in the past three months to pick up what he wants as I have other designs on uses for that bedroom. And in parentheses here it says not sex dungeon which is the surest way of convincing me that you are in fact making a sex dungeon. I would feel shitty giving him an ultimatum and I don't want to do something to damage our friendship such as simply selling or pitching all of it.

But I also don't want to feel as though my hospitality has been taken advantage of. And that's from too multuous in Toronto. Your hospitality is being taken advantage of. That's precisely what's happening. You have nailed it. Yeah you really read this, you read this room. I don't understand like what, he's left all this shit in your house. It's yours now.

Is that the, is that fucking sell it? Just what are you talking about? Hey my friend gave me a bunch of shit and I don't know what to do with it. Just like sell it or use it or throw it away. I feel like if it is a concern it is completely, it is not an ultimatum and not, well I mean it is. But it's not a horrible thing to do to call him and say, hey man I really need this room.

If you don't want this stuff I'm going to get rid of it. I'm sorry this is crazy. If you move you take your shit with you. If you leave it behind then it's, he didn't pay you for storage services with his shitty Davenport okay? If you left it behind it's, he has no place. Have you guys met my friend shitty Davenport? Did you hear, are you guys going to the gas lights tonight?

I had a roommate that, she decided to move out and like her sister and her were getting an apartment and she ended up just leaving a bunch of shit behind and so I threw it away. It's that easy. It's a super easy thing to do. Throw it away. Step two, relax. It drives me up a goddamn, like I have worked so hard to accrue the things that I've accrued.

I would never just leave it in somebody's house and then, right a box of DVDs? That's, what the hell? That represents thousands of dollars in value that you've accrued to like divest, unless you're going full blown divestation of your shit so that you can you know study yoga in on some mountain in a country. Leaving it all behind man. Yeah. Enjoying my stuff.

I'm a yogi now. Doesn't make sense to me. In like musical instruments? What the hell? Pretty much all my actions anymore like are based around getting physical objects out of my home. Like I just don't want things here that don't make me happy. And I worked, and I used to be really bad about accumulation. Like I used to, when I was in high school, I would call like when the internet was first

kicking off. There used to be a lot of places where you could give them like your mailing address information stuff like that and they would send you like free shit so you get like a free, I don't know, fanny pack or stickers or sample of detergent or whatever. And I would like sign up for all that shit. And now I'm doing basically the opposite where I will mail my things to you if you want to. Like I hope for free. Do you want my things?

Sure, we all do. The worst thing you could do to me is leave a box in my home that's like you these aren't yours and you can't throw them away. So just handle this. What is your friend saying when you call him? Like, oh yeah, all right, talk to you later. Oh, I have stuff there. Cool.

You need to come get your box. Ah, you don't go. Call your friend, say come get your shit or I'm throwing it away. Love you. Happy Valentine's Day. Click. Life isn't as hard as you make it. You just call him and say you're just, no, don't call him.

Wait till trash day. After the trash men leave, you put all of it in a trash bag and put it outside. And then you call him and go beep, beep, beep, like I'm 24. And then you just, and then he has to come get it. And he's the race against the clock is very exciting for him. It's thrilling for you because his second Ramones poster isn't in your den anymore. Right. Could you, I have a good idea is if you, why don't you have a yard sale or like a

Jeff sale because you're selling all of Jeff's things. And then you take the proceeds from the Jeff sale and you take him out to a nice dinner. And then afterwards you'd be like, I got the check. And he's like, that's nice of you. It's actually nice of you. Let me put it this way. I'm tipping him your freaks and geeks. Do you mean that?

So pick up that knife and fork and carve off a piece of that tuba that you used to have and dip it, dip it in that copy of freaks and geeks and eat it. You're going to love it. Can you use the musical instrument he left to write him a little song about how you sold all his things? I think you appreciate that. I actually sold your tuba to buy this tuba. So I can write you this song.

This smaller shittier tuba. It's a gift to the Magi. From the Trombone. Right. Let's go to the money. Trout, this is the first message for you to get on here. It's from Ron to Kars. And who's the message from, Trout?

It's from Lauren. Doubt? Doubt or doti. I doubt you got that right. So I have a different message. The message is this. I love you, Ron. I love you so much.

No, don't add any. The message, the message is perfect. Leave it unaltered. I love you, Ron. Happy 24th birthday forever. Okay. Now hold on. Back up.

You can't wish Ron the only, okay. The only context in which this makes sense is this is going to be Ron's last birthday. We've quiet technically frozen Ron, trapping him in his 24th birthday. We wake him up for one minute a year. I don't want to tell, I don't want to tell Lauren her business, but here on the, my brother, my brother and me, Jumbotron, we allow you 350 characters to get your message across. You have left money on the table.

You have left at least 280 monies on the table. You can make us say any words and the words you wish, how does wish is Ron an eternal message that by definition can only last one calendar year. Or maybe you're wishing him to be stuck in some kind of infinite loop. So by the way, if you want to wish someone happy eternal birthday, if you plan on having one of your friends taxidermied, you can get a maximum fund out of our forward slash Jumbotron. And you can sign up there to get a birthday message or whatever kind of message you want.

Spot corporate sponsorships, we got them, whatever you want. And if you pay for a corporate sponsorship, you can be like our, God, at this point, I'm going to say partners, our partners, bestfriends.com. Partners in Buttcrime. Partners in Buttcrime, do you want penis? Do you want unique? I was just picturing that scene in the police headquarters that they've struck again. The partners in Buttcrime, they've stolen another one.

I want to actually want to, I know we've only had great things to say about extremestranes.com. By the way, if you go to extremestranes.com, it's a massive adult toy store super site. If you use a coupon code middle list, you can save 20%. But I never, I never thought it would come to this, but I actually, I have beef with extremestranes.com. Our sort of, our relationship is a partnership. It's built on the fact that we offer very different services, but really not that, not that different though.

Cause I like to, all of our advice is aimed at helping you get fucked. Like ultimately everything we tell you is aiming towards that end goal. That's where it terminates. Yeah, that's the end goal. Here's the, here's the problem though. I'm looking at their, they're starting to infringe a little bit. I'm looking at their selection of gags. Oh no.

Now this is too bad. This is a horseshit. First off, they have ball gags. Yeah. Okay. That's kind of our thing, but go on. And then they have very clearly, uh, infringing penis gags. And that's like a half of our material weight.

That's basically, yeah, that's like 98% of our, of our, of our gags. And then perhaps most upsettingly, they have a category called potibit gags. And I'm sorry guys. That's like practically TM. All right. That's kind of our thing is pony gags. Like the pony beds and horse bits. Like that's kind of our shtick.

Like what, what, what, I'm glad they don't have ghost gags. Yeah, I know. Cause then it would be the, then I think we would, we would have to get into some lawsuit territory. Um, if I were to- It's had a great cross branding idea. Okay. I'm going to say three words. Bob ball gags.

Oh no. I don't think so. I don't want this. I don't think my brother, my brother and me officially announced it. Bob ball would want to put his name or branding on something like that. I'm just saying, um, we're going to be rich. If I'm going to call beef out on extreme restraints, my only beef with them is that now in Google Chrome, whenever I'm in the search or address bar and I press the letter E

extreme restraints is what auto fills. That is how frequently I have visited this website. That is convenience Griffin. That is good. You are right about that. So head to extreme restraints.com. It's with an A, uh, not an X as you might- Actually, there's actually a couple E's in there.

Yeah. There's a few E's in there. It's a popular letter, uh, and you can head there and use coupon code middleist to save 20%. Uh, oh, good news guys. If you forget the E, it's to extreme restraints.com. So you are fine. Uh, Griffin, how about another Yahoo? Sure.

This one is sent in by Earl Parsons. Thanks, Earl. It's by Yahoo Answers. User Harry, who asks, is it possible to fall in love on Yahoo Answers? Bye, everyone. Are there answers, Griffin? Um, there are. There are.

A lot of people saying some pretty disparaging things to Harry. I'll be honest with you. Not a good day for her. Not a good- Not a good, I think Harry, by asking this question and sort of casting a net of sorts of sexual net. It's available on extreme restraints. Um, and I think that he did not get the responses that he was looking for.

Yeah. But at the same time, it can happen. That's how, I'm pretty sure that's how Mantaiteo found his suitor. Yeah, they seem to be very happy. And also, it's worth noting, I have not read anything for the past three weeks. So. The love story of the sports love story of the decade. The sports love story, yeah, right.

It's like Brian's song, but with a real woman. One in six marriages, guys. One in six. Yeah, Justin, that's how you met Sydney, right? Is that you asked why the chess pieces in chess were called what they were called. And she made a goof. She was like, shut the fuck up asshole. Yeah.

Because she's on our own. Troll, troll, lolol. Troll, troll, lololol. Which as we all know, is internet coding. I love you. You voted that as she called me a chess fag with four Gs. I knew then. I knew that it was real.

That was real love. And then you voted that as top answer. And it was. That is top answer. That was my way of saying. And that was like, that was like your guys as you wish. That was the moment. Um, it's probably happened, right?

Yeah. I mean, I would have said everything has happened. It seemed. I would assume that this is not an exception. It seems like an awfully circuitous, like why like a dating site alone is like hard enough to find somebody who isn't awful, isn't the worst. And those have all these like heuristics built into them to help you find what you're looking for. Yahoo Answers is like a fucking masquerade ball.

Like there's no way of knowing what's going on. It's a lot more like chaos theory. You know what I mean? The problem that this question asked her how they were, they were almost too, they were too direct. See, if I was in this market, I would go with my, my question would be something like help like to snuggle much longer than girlfriend enjoys. Okay. Uh, says my gifts are too extravagant.

How do I help? Woman at work thinks I'm too handsome and too good at sex. What do you? Perhaps want to settle down to her wearing out women. Too powerful. My sex lawyer is too powerful. I'm getting complaints. What do you help?

Sexual prime approaching. Help running out of room for all these sex trophies. Is there a way to make your skin bigger so all the muscles you have can fit inside of it? Help, what do I do with all this money? People keep mistaking me for Adam Levine. Is he what women like? I should, what are the women like? What men do women like now?

Because back in the day, you should just be Tom Hanks. Help, captured by criminals trying to extort money from Bradley Cooper's family. That one happened to me. That isn't, that was not a good time. But you were also kidnapped by deaf, dumb and blind kidnappers. So. Yeah. So that was my silver lining.

Were you kidnapped by Tommy? I was kidnapped by Tommy. You made me play pinball and then you watched silver lining play football. Of course you can't find, I'll fall in love on you audience. You can fall in hate though. Happened to me dozens of times. If August 18th is approaching and you're worried that you won't have anyone to share hate day with. But don't worry.

All right, Travis, I'd like you to try to cook up a better name. Better title than hate day? Better than hate day. I must say a way that February 13th isn't switch time Eve. You're gonna have to do a bit better than a hate day. My girlfriend did not believe me when I first told her I couldn't remember the last time I cried. But now that we've been going out for almost two years, she's insisting she needs to see me shed some tears. It's not like I don't feel the same emotions as her.

It's just that nothing has brought me over the edge in at least 10 years. And even though she says she wants to see me cry, I feel like subconsciously it could turn her off. Do I suck it up and cry for her? Or do I keep my dry street going? That's from crusty-eyed in Colorado. Whatever you do, if you haven't cried in 10 years, make sure that when you do it, no one is standing directly in front of you. Oh, man.

You'll be like the fire hose in UHF. Well, not only that, but you are gonna be so bad at it. Oh, my God. Yeah, your face is gonna look like John Mayer during a solo. Here's the thing. I got a solution for you. Just watch Iron Giant. That's what I was gonna say.

Yeah, just watch Iron Giant and you'll cry. It'll be a masculine tear fest. So there's a difference. Put it on a loop. There is a difference between a masculine, like a gentleman's cry. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. It's deep.

The base is a little bit stronger. It's more of like, oh, no. You actually say, oh, no. Just over and over again. Oh, no. Oh, no. You are going, here's the thing. I have to assume if you haven't cried in 10 years,

you've been burying some things. Like once you turn on those tears, you may just be like digging back and back and back, like deeper and deeper, like, I gotta see you. My geometry is am. You know what I- Do you hear about Stephen? Yeah, he's never not crying now. You know my jam?

He cries all the time. What's your jam? My name is like when I have to cry. It's something like the last episode of Downton Abbey. Um, I don't make any noise or like move my face at all. I just let the tears just sort of like fall down my completely still, stoic, Native American looking out at a bunch of trash face. Like-

Yeah, so proud. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys, this may surprise no one. I cry at like everything. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I'm a big old- I was actually- I was literally talking about this last night because it like,

some sort of Disney commercial with Wally was in it. And we were all talking about how we all cried when we watched Wally. And I remember when I watched Wally with you, you cried for like 30 uninterrupted minutes. Like once you- Once sad shit in that movie started happening, you didn't stop crying until the f-ing credits were rolling. My emotions are like right below my eyeballs.

And so at any given point, one extra drop of emotion and I'm over it. Travis actually has to schedule time at four o'clock on Sundays to pay off the crying that he earned while watching the first 15 minutes of it. I remember when- Still crying while at the beginning of it. I remember when I was last in town and I- We were at lunch and I was like, I'll pick up the check and you're like,

Don't you do this to me right now! Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Did you see that guy at a new sign at Giovanni's? No! Come on!

Watch out, hood! Said I wouldn't do this. I thought myself would be strong! Not strong! I'm a Pedro man! The worst is like if I'm up at an unreasonable hour, when I used to work at Best Buy and I had to be in it like five o'clock in the morning, there's something about like five o'clock in the morning,

by yourself in like a big, empty, half-dark Best Buy, that I would just sit there and like start singing a little song to myself and weeping. Just while I'm like doing all the stock taking. Pounds. Oh no. Oh here we go. Um, yeah, there's something, crying is like, to me finishing a cry is like waking up from a good nap and it's like, okay, time to start my day in earnest.

You know what I mean? It's like, well the crying is over, now it's time for happy times. I'm actually kind of jealous of you Travis, that you get that, you get to clean out your... Oh man, yeah I fucking love crying. The best time to do is in the shower, because you're already wet and that way it just mingles. No, because if you cry when you're like fully dressed, you're gonna get all of the tears and it's not all of your clothes.

How are you crying? Pretty violently. So that, so you're, I actually like, much like, Darrell Hanna and Blade Runner or Ernest and Ernest goes to jail. I like to cry in the rain. Oh, you mean Ernest goes to camp when he's saying, sure I'm glad it's raining. Nobody sees your teardrops when it rains. Holy shit.

Ah, geek check. You all write into it. I am not ashamed of my love for the Ernest movies. I guess I was thinking Ernest goes to jail because that's the one where he has a doppelganger, right? But he's also very sad because he's incarcerated. And also because his life is as a janitor at a bank. And he gets electrocuted like 16 times. That's a lot, right?

Yeah, it gives him superpowers. Hey everybody, what's that movie like? Ernest gets superpowers. I bet after Ernest goes to jail and Ernest goes to camp and Ernest scared stupid, he was really, really hesitant. You have to feel bad for Slam Dunk Ernest because that is halfway across the video store. Why is it called Ernest Goes to the Hoop? Ernest takes it to the whole.

Ernest takes it to the point zone. You got all those Ernest movies hanging out next to each other and then like way off. Somebody's looking through the essence and they're like, what is this Ernest movie? And then there's like extreme with an ex Ernest stunts. And it's like, fuck it, I don't even know where that is. They're looking for like Super Dave Osborn movies that those Ernest pops up. Hey Ernest. This is the craziest video store I've ever been to.

It's the best video store I've ever been to. I loved Ernest Scared Stupid and Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Goes to Camp. But this importance of being Ernest just was not as funny. I think the craziest thing about this video store is that it's extant. I like to, because I can cry completely still faced, I could be crying right now. And talking to you the way that I'm talking to you, you would have no clue. So my jam is I just do it in public and see if I can get away with it. Like a dangerous, like a dangerous thing, like a little dangerous game.

I'll do it at Best Buy, but like in the middle of the day in the crowded store. Would you describe this as a crying game? Not the crying game. It's awkward. There's more than the one. Have you ever yawned so hard that like you cried? Not like violently cried, but like some tears come out. What is wrong with you?

That doesn't happen to you. You just like you yawn really hard and like your eyes just like kind of water a little bit. You just go with it? No, no. You already got this thing start already primed the engine. Mine as well. No, I remember when I, when we were young and we were at church and I would yawn really hard because it's church.

Um, I always got really worried that people would look over and think that I was crying because I was just like super moved by like the collection song. Yeah. But really it's that I yawned and I was always tempted to look in the go. No, no, I was yawning. It's not real tears. I'm not moved or anything. Not a bit.

I feel nothing. There's nothing behind these eyes. Now I feel like I cried too much. Now you guys have made me self-conscious. I'm never going to cry again. I feel like if you just like that, if you think about going the rest of your life without crying again, that would actually be sad enough to make you cry for at least 45 minutes. That's probably true.

Um, I've got it. It's actually gotten to a point now where if I see a especially poignant commercial, I will start crying. Oh, but there's some commercials out there that are real doozers. Uh-huh. The the fucking one with the guy gets a dog and is in a car and he drives to go camp Griffin Griffin. And then they get out and I said, I wouldn't do this.

They're playing and then they keep doing it. They keep repeating. Oh no dogs getting older. And then at the end he just gets out of tombstone from his car and kills the dog with it. Nothing. That dog is dead. Why would he get it?

What? And he smashes the dog with the tombstone. My uh, Sydney says that her dad used to always cry at the uh, at the is a McDonald's commercial where a dad drives his daughter to McDonald's and she's meeting her friends there and he she asks him to wait in the car while she goes in and hangs out with her friends. And she says that was making her cry. And all I get to do that is that's the craziest hang ever.

Like what is this hang? Wait in the car. I'm too embarrassed to hang out with you with my friends inside of McDonald's. Me and my buns are gonna go inside and get a CBO and I'd like you to hang here if that's cool. Don't ruin this for me old man. This is my McDonald's time. This only happens once maybe twice a week. I always cried those E-Trade commercials with the talking baby because like I think about like

when I have a baby if it comes out and looks really cute but sounds like an old ass dude I would be like mega bummed out. Yeah wicked, wicked bummed. Can we kind of address the timely Yahoo answer? Okay this one was sent in by Steve Lewis. Thank you Steve. It's by Yahoo answers user Billy Jack H who asks, How can I rely on Punxsutawney Phil when everything around him overcasts his shadow?

Do I get my own groundhog? With Groundhog Day rapidly approaching I have some aggravation towards the way Punxsutawney Phil comes out of its burrow but it is impossible to see a shadow because there are so many people, equipment and booths around him. These people who run the event then say he didn't see his shadow and there will be an early spring. Well I'm tired of relying on this commercial groundhog informing me how much winter is left.

I'd like to get my own groundhog and intend to let him to come out in a very clear non-crowded area. That way I will at least know the truth if we'll have six more weeks of winter or not. Should I get my own groundhog? Should I do that thing? This is the best thing I've ever heard. I've never heard seen observed thought about a groundhog in literally any other context. I don't know where you would obtain one.

I don't know where they're what they're native to. No but this I'm also gonna be honest and it occurs to me that it seems to me like taking it out of the context of Punxsutawney Phil it doesn't count anymore like or else everybody would just have groundhogs. But he has a fucking excellent point because there are there's a lot of hardware you know the news newscasters there bring a lot of hardware to the scene. How about the fucking lights the camera lights? Like how how's this yeah god forbid they might spoil the entirely scientific process.

No but I'm saying but they have built these fucking rules around this system and then they're tampering with the with the rules into the groundhog comes out and sees like 800 people all standing around screaming at him. Of course he's fucking scared he's just he's a rodent. He's a small creature I would be scared. We now go to Punxsutawney where Phil is coming out of his hole. Thank you oh hold on Punxsutawney is addressing the crowd. Hello everyone.

Can you give me some fucking room? Could you all spread out a little bit? I'm having a hard time before me. Give Phil some space to do his thing please. Christ. I'm trying to get down and it's not gonna happen with all these newscasters around. What if they opened up the door? What if they opened up the little groundhog door and he was jerking off?

Okay. Is this what you want to see? He's like are you this is what you came here to see? Are you guys fucking kidding me? Is it February fucking second already? Are you shitting me? I don't give a shit that it's a whole day based around me. You knock you knock first because sometimes a groundhog's jerking off as they all want to do.

Do you see these little nubby hands? They feel great. Here's the problem with complaining about the lights and the cameras and everything. If you have lights and cameras and everything, it's a celebration. If you're a guy in his backyard pulling a rodent out of a hole and staring at it, you have to register on a list, a government list. But at the same time, what do you do when you get that minority report? From your Indie Underground Groundhog to Psych Nodog.

It is time for six more weeks of winter. And but the mainstream groundhog says that it's springtime. What do you do? Who do you send a letter to in that circumstance? Yeah, who do you, I have to, here's what's going to really fuck you up. We got three more weeks of winter and then nothing. Right. Tell the authorities.

What we need? We need an impartial, elected, frankly elected Senate or House of Representatives approved position for nine groundhogs that will come out and, you know, create a majority opinion on what the weather is going to be. Because this person has a great point. Mr. President, I don't want to alarm you. But my groundhog says statue on Steve's. Listen, according to Miami Marcus,

I think they would all have to be gathered in one region because I feel like Miami Marcus would pretty much see his shadow all day, pretty much all time. I think that was in Will Smith's Miami. He talked about how your shadow is always there. Me and Marcus popping it off. Looking down, getting spooked, winter is coming. Let's go get some carrots. Because groundhogs love carrots.

Thank you, Travis. Thank you. My eye love saw his shadow and the shadow of death. I want to congratulate us on doing this for five minutes and not mentioning the movie Groundhog Day. I think we did it guys. It's accomplishment and achievement and now we can all breathe a little easier. I watched it yesterday.

I did too. What a fucking. I watched it a thousand times yesterday. We were watching it yesterday and we were watching the film about halfway through. Senealine's over to me and says, well, she didn't lean over me. We're on a couch. Psst, Justin.

That's how I've instructed her to behave. She looks at it and she says, you know, the tragedy of this movie is that no one could ever love Andy McDowell. She said, given a thousand years, you could not love Andy McDowell. But I said, that is 100% true. And then I was watching the movie and something occurred to me. And it never occurred what the movie is about. I read an interview with Harold Ramis where he said that the movie had become very popular

with Buddhists. And when you watch the movie, you realize that like he doesn't, it's not about getting the girl or even trying to live a good life. Phil doesn't get out of the loop until he has awareness, until he's completely aware and satisfied in his own situation. That's when he breaks it. It wasn't about, well, I think you think back on that movie, you think it's about him learning to like love or be a good person or play a piano.

It's none of those things. Yeah. It's a little bit about learning to play a piano. It's about 100% immediate awareness. That's deep. That's deep stuff. When I watch that movie, I also like to pretend that Chris Elliott's character is also looping through time and just trying to like get it together and maybe get some trim.

And he just like, but in the final day that Phil gets it together and does get him some trim, Chris Elliott comes to grips with the fact that he is virtually un-fuckable. And once he has that realization, he is also freed from the loop. I would also like to point out that something that's not addressed in that movie that always kind of freaks me out is that once he breaks the loop and wakes up the next day, one, no one will ever believe him. Yeah. Two, does he instantly age all the time that he's spent?

I don't think so. He just withers away to dust before Annie McDowell's horrified eyes. Did Annie McDowell complete her loop of trying to get through a sentence, sounding like a real person saying things in the world, is that she doesn't do that at all. She never does that in the movie. Where is your accent from? Like, do you think it must also be really disconcerting to be Phil on February 3rd? Because you know he's like crossing the street without looking.

You're like, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. There's no cars. Trust me. Ah, shit. A guy's going to break a plate and hey, hey, break that plate. I need this. Kid, climb that tree, fall out.

Right, he's going to spiral into madness. Like it's never addressed, but he he's going to lose his mind. He's just waiting underneath a tree with his arms open. Just waiting. Hey, does anyone kid want to climb this tree? Any kids? I learned how to be a piano virtuoso in one day. I don't think he will lose this.

Watch, I can rob a bank and there's no consequences because of prison. Prison shot, shot, crossfire, dead. Chris Elliott looks unknowingly. We've all been there. We've all been there, man. We've all been there. So guys, this has been my brother, my brother, meet the podcast for the people to listen to and enjoy.

Thank you to everyone tweeting about the show, like Landon Howell, Joe Rusco, Sean Jones, Jasmine Watten, Ethan Rider, Kim Breonna, Stem Cell, Mark Parris, Ellie, Jess Raven Gordon, Paul Mann, and so many others. You are the best. And we love you very much. Thank you. Well, I also want to thank John Rodgerick in the long winters

for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. They actually changed the name of the album where they put spaces in between the words. So you have to say it like I just said it. It's not me. That's just the name of the album now. If you would mention the Jumbotron,

so you can go do that if you want. Also, I don't know what the story is with BoParty.biz. I don't know what's going on there, but you may want to head there and register to find out what's going on because it looks like it's going to be popping off whatever is happening there. And I'm almost positive that it is not one of those horrible internet tricks. No, yeah. It probably is not an internet trick.

I wanted to say a very personal goodbye to You Look Nice Today, one of the podcasts that was a huge inspiration for me growing up listening to shows. They are ending their run soon, and I'm really going to miss those guys. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's a great show. But at the same time, watch the throne. We coming up, climbing those spots on my iTunes charts. So thank you for everything you've done for us,

but especially thank you for allowing us to watch the throne and we are also still in talks about live show possibilities. Thanks everybody for sending in suggestions for venues and everything. Except for the people who said in my butt. That was not helpful at all. You don't even know anyone in your butt. How are you going to get us in there? Okay, it's very exclusive.

You guys want a final one? Yeah. No, I don't want this train to end. Well, no, I want it to end. Yeah, very hungry. Okay. It was sent by Ira Ray. Who wants to know?

I do. That's my answer. She's a rock-biter who asks, is there any wimpier musician than James Taylor? No. Hey, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. Who's Justin McElroy?

He's my brother, my brother, me. He's your dad.