My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 140: Hops for Pops

Episode Date: February 18, 2013

After a two-week absence which we assume was as horrifying for you as it was for us, we return with an episode chock-full of pope jokes and doin' it humor. Sometimes in the same breath. It's good to be back. Suggested talking points: Papal Exploratory Council, High School Subtraction, Subway Spy, Suds Buds, Red Band Trailer, Giant Eagle

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother. My brother mean Advice Show for the modern era, and welcome to this very cash exploratory meeting of the Papal Council. Let's not make a big deal out of it, you know? Hey everybody, it's a new era, you know what I mean?

It's a Sunday brunch meeting, just that balling. Put that magic firewood away that makes the signal smoke come out. Yep, it's actually the same dust they used in Are You Afraid of the Dark. Exactly, put away your nice society dust, pick up that mimosa, and let's just freewheel and chat about it. I'm Justin McElroy, I'm the oldest brother and sort of the senior member of this advisory council, is that fair? And I'm Travis McElroy, your middlest brother, and I just ordered us a round of Virgin Bloody Marys. Oh, that sounds great. I'm the baby brother, Griffin McElroy, and let's get rolling with this papal smear.

I'm just gonna start, I feel like we should just throw some names out there, spitball it, and sort of see where we're at. Okay, let me just kick it off, super cash me. Okay, let me just get that name out there, feel like it's kind of top of mind right now, and we're all sort of dancing around it. I figure let me just throw those bones right out there. Yeah, I appreciate, just cut through the chaff, through the hubbub. I think we can all agree there, Justin, because of the massive amounts of skeletons in your closet, you are probably not a good choice. Yes, literally and figuratively. Sorry, boys. I don't understand. What I'm saying is, if you look at my closet, they're already mad magazines

and have like licorice wrappers surrounding them, okay? It's a weird closet. So, man, I'm bummed out already. Justin, I don't think that you, I don't know that you have what it takes. Just an advisement. I feel like we're whiteboarding right now, and I feel like that name is kind of on the whiteboard. Okay. You're like, you try to wipe it off, and it's like permanent, who did this permanent mark on my whiteboard? I'll put it on there, like when a teacher gets like a really shitty answer from a student in the class, he doesn't want to embarrass him, and he's like, oh yeah, sure, triangles. Okay, does anybody else have any favorite actors? I'm in the 1930s. I'm gonna vote Morgan Freeman. Okay, I like that. I feel like he's in a lot of

stuff. People trust him. He's got that powerful voice. Okay, Travis also bases all of his religious philosophies around the movie Bruce Almighty, and it's follow-up. I'm glad you said that because my second choice is Jim Carrey. Yeah. All right, he's not working so much lately. He probably has some free time, and I think he would make a hilarious rubber-faced pope. Okay. Is there a chance of a black pope this year? I feel like black pope, black president, what about checks and balances? Does anybody stop to think about checks and balances? Why would there need to be a check or balance against the racial composition? Just saying checks and balances because the only thing stopping the pope is the president.

Everyone knows that. If we have black pope and black president, I love that I'm in that era. I'm loving that I'm in that period of history. Do you have to wonder who's looking out for the white guy? Yeah, because that's what I'm always worried about is that pretty soon the white man is just gonna fall by the wayside. Yeah, what about the white man? Who's looking out for my wants? My needs. Who's representing my beliefs? We'll have to establish a new Southern Baptist pope, a new papacy cabinet altogether, but for the Southern Baptist Church. I think the leader of that would be Guy Fieri. Can we put any more irony in our voices so that people know that this is not a real thing that we feel? No, I don't really care who the pope is. It was exciting when

the pope died last time though. I'm kind of sad that we're not gonna get... Remember, I was on Pope Watch because I remember I was waiting for the pope to die and I was waiting on Terry Scheifert. Oh no! So I was like, who's gonna win? And then they went at the same time. I could be in a notebook. It's like Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. They went within moments of each other cursing the other one's name. Yeah, which put her right out of the running. So this is our papal, sort of a papal advocacy show. My brother, my brother, and me. Let's get to some other questions and maybe we can like just circle around back to this question when you guys have any other good suggestions. I kind of feel like everybody keeps coming back around to me, but we'll have to see

if that sticks by the end of the app. I'm a teacher in training and in less than a year I'll be student teaching in a junior high or high school, though I'm more than a quarter century old. I've already been told by various students, friends, bartenders that I look 15. Now my dentist is telling me that I have to get braces, which will only make things worse. I need some tips on looking older so my colleagues won't be asking me for a hall pass on them on the way to the teacher's lounge and my students won't be inviting me to come play Skyrim with them after school. Can you advise? That's from belatedly brace faced. Start smoking. No. Okay. It makes you look cool and old. That could stun his growth though. Yeah and nobody looks good when they're smoking and they have braces.

It can't start out. What does he smell like in a pipe? Can I can I ask you if like so right now just so I'm clear it sounds pretty good though. Yeah it's there's nothing bad about this situation you've just outlined because you could be the only human being in the universe to ever live out that thing that happens in movies where like they see the it's the catch me if you can situation where like the kids pick on the person they think is a kid and then they walk to the front of the class is like what's up I'm your teacher Dr. Youngface and then they they feel so stymied they feel so embarrassed and maybe he gives them a hard time. You're also got to consider undercover work that's really important. See you went cussing if you can I went never been kissed or never

seen I've never seen never been kissed but I assume it's some deep undercover shit. Yeah now on the on the negative side you will not be able to eat tostitos tostitos out of the question taffy out of the question I'm surprised that this is the first braces related question that we've gotten because I feel like I could really bust out some I lost so many brackets I ate one once because I got enthusiastic about some taffy I broke a tooth last weekend I was eating a protein bar I believe it was from Kashi I was eating it and I had I literally had this thought what is in this it tastes like teeth yeah and then it turned out that it was in fact I was eating my teeth my tooth so instead of braces you should get yourself

why do you have to get braces nobody has to get braces I had to it was literally life my teeth were growing into my fucking brain like it was life-threatening in my case I did have to get braces my girl is does not come correct and I don't really care it's I'm not I'm living with it yeah you're but your girl didn't look like it doesn't look like a fucking sarlak pit which is basically what I was working with in middle school I'm saying some people need it I'm saying it's going to be it's going to be rough for you vis a viskittles but I am saying that I think that this I think this 21 jump street opportunity if you let it slide by you're going to regret it for the rest of your life and I'll also say this because I have lots of friends that look much

younger than they are and like right now that sucks but when you're like 60 and you look like you're like 42 so it's going to be a blessing yeah because then you'll be able to hook up with all the 42 year olds you want right any other advantages to being one of the students you could blow off class sometimes by which I mean don't teach it to sit in a chair and wait for the real teacher to show up and then like halfway through oh my god okay okay so first day of class you go in you grab a chair you don't address and then you're like after a couple minutes and where is this teacher going man it's like he um it's like he had this whole class planned and we had 50 minutes and we've already waited eight minutes so even if he showed up now and one of the other students

would be like yeah 42 minutes left and he'd like then you stand up like that's your first lesson welcome to high school subtraction welcome to high school subtraction 101 with me professor youngface you are all clearly remedial listen I got addition damn no problem subtraction though it's like where are they going and that's when you have like a have like a oh captain by captain moment and say like just add negative numbers and they're like oh I understand subtraction and then they can become cashier oh man do you think that new teachers whenever like a new teacher starts like their first day at a school they try to like break the world record for desk standing students like

I bet I can do this shit I bet I can do this shit by third period these kids are gonna be on their desks swearing blood oaths to me they probably keep a pretty close eye on that sort of thing in the administration now do you think that after that movie came out though that they had to start like purchasing desks based on their standability oh because you don't want to have like shoddy like unbalanced desks and it's like oh okay oh captain my fuck I mean he's just holding on to the ceiling fan spinning around that scene ended with one of the kids standing on the desk and the desk just falling to splinters it would be the best scene ever oh captain whoa I'm so cussing the janitor going I was gonna tighten the seats tomorrow damn it I always thought that

movie it's a great movie but it desperately needed more nut shots it's got Robin Williams in it I expect a certain level of nut shots from a Robin Williams film as one of the students like started to fall he grabbed the guy next to him and grabbed the guy next to him pretty soon it just like dominoed around the room till they were all in one big nut shot pile yeah as Robin Williams just smacked his forehead and said let's get back to subtract Patch Adams fucking ruined me for several reasons but it ruined my Robin so did the movie it ruined my Robin Williams expectation gains because then you watch that uh you watch that uh what dreams may come and it's like I don't understand why these people aren't being you know hitting the balls with

a giant clown shoe I think that this person needs to also understand that they have the possibility of being the student teacher that somebody has a crush on in high school that and I'm not saying that's something that you need to pursue but that's a very formative experience for them some would say the most formative experience and I think that you could be that for somebody Griffin do you have a question for us sure I have who answer service I have one uh pruned from the Yahoo answer service uh by Nick Robinson uh curator a curer of this uh thank you next by Yahoo answers user Rob who asks how do I find out if Subway is paying my girlfriend to advertise their products to me I think Subway might secretly be paying my girlfriend to advertise their

products to me to try to get me to become a customer I need to find out if this is happening or how to stop it this is that new wave advertising I've been hearing around this is like what's the level below gorilla that's what this is um this is rough this is rough stuff it's it's rough on a few levels one because this person obviously has some sort of sure ish what but also that though well okay you can't assume that Griffin I can pretty say I mean the evidence I'm I guess it's all circumstantial that they pay Jared to advertise why wouldn't they pay his girlfriend are you dating Jared they pay Michael Phelps to wave his giant arms and advertise it why wouldn't they pay his girlfriend Michael Phelps um what but what what is this woman doing that has turned Rob's suspicion

to high alert is what I want to know what are the what are those convos like because if it's just like they're driving down the street she's like what should we get for lunch I vote for Subway and she does that every day maybe she just really really likes Subway and their their large selection of cheap large and delicious sandwiches or maybe maybe it's like when he gets into a fight with his parents and he's just like I never get my own way and she says you know where you can have everything your own way like Subway they'll make sandwiches just for you John five five dollar footlongs hashtag February any did you just fucking say hashtag are you a sandwich robot I certainly am not but let me tell you more about the delicious toppings

it robots her robots couldn't make sandwiches like the Subway artists at Subway make sandwiches it takes an artist touch and finesse to put together a sandwich like this and five dollars for 12 inches can't beat that hashtag Jared value listen honey I understand that Subway is great could you wait till we're done having sex to tell me about their sandwiches please I love the way you're having sex with me it reminds me of speaking of footlongs I love the way you're having sex if you want to feel satisfied check out the latest deals in Subway five dollars for a footlong you won't leave empty either speaking of double meat let's sorry about your sister hey what's your favorite bread type

mine's parmesan rosemary Italian this is the worst eulogy I've ever heard I I maybe just start asking how she looks certain sandwich components like do I just keep taking her to quiz nose see if smoke pours out of yours do you like how do you do you like bacon yeah but I don't like it crispy I like it kind of floppy I read a report in LeMol that said that bacon is way better when it's floppy and gross and it's been touched by several people before you eat it do you like your meat to be like pre-portioned into those little cardboard bowls when you make her when you make her chicken for dinner does she turn her nose about and say when did you cook this just now what am I supposed to do with this check we put this between two wax paper sheets and then kind of

smack it onto the bread like it's been misbehaving thank you this is great pizza but could you put another slice of pizza on top of it and then just dunk it in water to make it really wet thank you is that I've not had so many pizzas out it's like I would like some oil and vinegar on my salad but could you look at me disdainfully when I ask for it please thank you maybe but maybe it's deep maybe it goes deeper maybe she's getting paychecks maybe she has a source of income that he does not understand maybe it's it's an inscrutable subway advertising paycheck maybe she's on the street team maybe she disappears street team I believe yeah street team I'd buy I also want to say listen believe me in this world you would be amazed at the different job opportunities that exist

do you know that when you listen to the radio and people call in to like answer their crazy questions about the fight they had with their boyfriend or the time that they caught their sister doing something those are all like paid people to do that that's not real that's not true it is true my friend Kelly was paid to be one of those people that's a real thing not every time but sometimes just kind of get the ball rolling and to get people start answering you only have to you know make one friend on twitter that turns out to be a robot designed to sell you subway sandwiches to then have to then you know have that veil of suspicion built between you and your every loved one yes so what I'm saying is maybe maybe maybe there is a company not necessarily

subway specific we kind of they cover a bunch of different organizations a bunch of different businesses and they hire actors and actresses to pose as people's loved ones yeah to try to convince them to use the products from that location it's not crazy it could happen I'm just saying that that's not crazy I want to be there when this campaign when the subway campaign ends because marketing dollars are finite you'll have to come one day when you say so where you want to go subway what no actually fuck subway I want to go to Texas steakhouse I mean but what if she is on the longest con with this gentleman this subway shuts down and she's like listen mark I had a great time but we've come to the end of our divorce yeah it's listen you were great

you were a great consumer lots of like a surprising amount of millions of dollars you were giving to subway every year you've also lost a ton of weight just eating subway every day in a weird sort of way I almost sort of developed feelings for you but not a lot of feelings and I do want to contact you we shared a lot of topping preferences we like the same kind of bread let's let's just why don't we start over you know why don't why don't we go good oh no okay no let's go to Penn Station let's go maybe that'll be our new thing come on I'll get you a pig extra my friend and I just finished our first adventure in home brewing the beer turned out great but here's a problem we don't have any idea what to call it we could really use some of that macroe wisdom

to pick out a great name for our brew the beer is an Irish stout with notes of dark chocolate if it helps we could send you a few bottles to try it out this is from brew wilderness in tree town trash did you just put this question in here so that we can maybe get some free beers did you think they would just send free beers to p.o box 5400 to us virginia 2506 perhaps I also want to point out to brew will do that it is easier for us to name the beer if you send the beer first it's a lot harder for you for us to name it and then be held by you sending it to us afterwards I just came I just came up with the name for the the beer that Travis tried to make that one time when we lived together in Batavia Ohio which was bottled in plastic bottles and

then I had two sips of and the name of that beer is bubbly soy sauce because that's what it was that's what I have no idea what I did wrong well what you did not turn out what what we did wrong was that we use tap water and we did it in a crock pot that I used to make ramen earlier that day and then we put it in plastic bottles in our refrigerator for about four days so what we did there were a few steps there where we goofed and slipped maybe a little maybe a tad man that was fucking grody man that was a little less grody it's the first beer I've ever had that I could not give away I took it to like three different parties yeah and I bought this beer of anyone ones and they took a look at the unlabeled brown plastic bottles with the white screw on

caps that looked like I just dumped out some mug root beer and refilled it and they're like no we're good that's that's give it away not crazy about that I will dip my sushi in it though because that seems like that seems just perfect this um this is a why do you need a name you know why do you need branding it's just beer no you just drink it you could make it to market to tv shows that don't want to worry about branding issues and just call it beer just call it beer I see what you're saying I see what you're saying so like on the real world they cover up the they cover up the labels with duct tape with this you could just say a bottle of refreshing liquid you could even be yes yeah do you think the person who has to cover up the beer labels with duct tape on the

real world describes themselves as being in the entertainment industry oh god yes I'm like he's he works marketing in in the entertainment he's the same guy that duct tapes over the emblems on people's hats yeah MTV cribs hold on there okay hold on there buckaroo let me just get that shampoo gotcha gotcha gotcha duct taped yeah I will be in my trailer full of tape I am in reverse marketing is what I'm into um I actually I keep I stunt brands is what I do uh two years ago I was dating a girl that turned out to be paid by subway and after having my heart broken I sworn off all brandy it seems a state a strange crusade I know I I do have a long-term plan to uh murder Jared Fogle in three months so I do have that going for me that's sort of my whole sort pretty much my

whole motif right now do you think Jared do you think when she broke up with him Jared was like waiting outside come on babe subway jeep it's like no it's not a subway motorcycle obviously come on babe it's like this stupid garden state side car hopping a helmet made of day old bread great now I'm hungry yeah I know so names for beer names for beer I think you need to do anything where you take like the word brew or suds or anything and place it into the title of something else that you enjoy what about this slam drunk I like it how's that that's that's kind of sporty what about what about suds buds buds suds and so suds buds is obviously the name of your company and then buds suds because it's beer and maybe you sprinkle a little bit of weed in it a lot of people

have been trying to find a way to corner this new booming legal marijuana market I think sprinkle some flakes of beer into the weed and then that that can be your whole thing yeah it's it's it's weird what about rehydrated beer and you tell people that came in a powder form and then rehydrated it because that seems convenient and kind of futuristic what about pre pre popsicles hmm couldn't that be any fluid though not beer doesn't please got it what about um what about what about how about how about suds suds buds dad fuel dad fuel is a great name for like no dad fuel it's my soul bandage where my daddy comes home from work and he's you know running on fumes running on anything he gases up with some dad fuel

and then he's ready to hang out with us you'll be ready to dad for two to three hours after this one dad fuel pop it open rip it off bounce them on your knees now consult your physician before you try that dad fuel and if your dad or g last longer than four hours yeah just keep my fucking kids with demand I really want to play with them more this is damn it all this dad fuel we are skipping school tomorrow and doing it dad fuel I'm in dad fuel rehab right now I need you kids to keep your distance I've been ordered not to not to play with my children uh for 50 days please respect please respect this please please respect this journey dad accidentally put some unleaded dad fuel in the system so dad dad dad's gonna need to sleep in a little bit today

can you guys get yourselves to school thanks let's fucking top off our dad fuel tanks and drive on down to the money's end hey traves who's this first message for it's for Ian mullion or mullin or dovrum if he is french it is mignon it is uh it's chinese it is moulin it's from his younger brother it does not appear to be named here secret moulin secret moulin his younger brother happy birthday ian on february 8th whoop from whoopsies whoopsies uh from your favorite brother thank you for always being awesome and introducing me to mabib bam mamba if you prefer uh i was hoping the bros could wish you a happy birthday be fitting of a king happy birthday mullion

my gosh i'm sorry so happy birthday king ian do you want to do you want to have sex i'm your i'm your sister that's a game of thrones okay cool thank you all right winners coming and so is your next birthday so catch it traves we got another message is this the one for lindsay peters it is the one for lindsay peters uh and and oh i'm sorry did you have some other context for me you have more information would you like it yeah you know as much as i was just wanted to like read these words back and forth i thought maybe we could try to make a conversation well this message is from uh daniel liz logan and ryan and it says here both day and night which either means that they know two ryan's one named ryan day and one named ryan night which is

cool that's one ryan and he behaves differently during the day and during the night or there's like lady hop there's a ryan uh where every day at dusk he goes home and then the next ryan comes in for his shift i don't know what that guys there's literally no explanation is not the craziest thing how are you guys celebrating ryan day i'm just looking for i'm you know me i'm just looking for the ryan living for the living for the ryan night anyway we should make this message about the person who the message is for yeah okay so lindsay congratulations on your new uh gig all your misinduced friends here at ml m r m d a m are really proud she'll be making an honest living so she can fund her hedgehog and grayhound habits you know i hate delivering these coded messages

does she really have hedgehogs i i don't did we did you just say the activation did you just say the activation phrase that's going to send her after our american president and pope i was trying to decode what ml m r m d a m means and i think it is my lover my roommate my dad and me uh which makes me all kinds of uncomfortable so have a happy uncomfortable new job lindsay peters do you think that that's an activation phrase that turns it from a robot into an android that's capable of love that's exactly what just happened uh i got one more uh the thing we want to tell you about super exciting not a person more of an entity you want to go to uh it's a show called the the chapter titles were so good it's a weekly podcast discussing the magical world of harry

potter one chapter at a time the balance keen literary insight with a reverent off the wall humor maintaining a wisdom to goof ratio that listeners of mb mb a m might enjoy and we keep it nice and pithy at around 20 minutes per week we've just started the fourth book in the series so now is the time to join it man how long you guys are doing this show there's like a lot of chapters there you've already gotten through i also like that they acknowledge that the first three books are bad and then it gets really good on the fourth book um more like the opposite of what you said because the first three are all about child childlike fantasy oh shit and i forgot prisoner of ask me i was number three now i take it back number three is when it starts to get good what's

someone where i stop where stop being about childlike fantasy and all about like war and death it's like we get enough of that in real life just give me my give me my puff above yeah i'm with you on that and i'm looking forward to listen to these kids read chapter titles are you drinking dad fuel right now i just want these other podcasts to stay out the game yeah listen it's 2013 there's not a lot of money resources or ears lying just lying around you know hey check this out the boy who lived there's one there's no that's chapter one book one we just took that from you took that that's ours now these nuts harry and hagrid reach an agreement the worst wand defense against the far arts and not dark farts what happened to you what the fuck just i have no kids here that i could

dad so just building up in my limbic system my body shutting down piecemeal you need to vent you need to open your exhaust open my dad vents he's busted a fan belt um so be sure to check out the chapter titles we're so good dot com or search chapter titles in itunes and they will it will show up there and you can listen to it and enjoy it and if you speaking of enjoyment guess who bought another 12 weeks of advertising with my brother my brother lock it in for three goddamn through may through may may you are going to be hearing us talk about what extreme dot com your home for fucking and sucking and living and learning and trucking you know it's funny there would have there was a time uh like two years ago when justin saying that sentence

would have made me so uncomfortable not anymore i can't no barriers anymore i can't sleep without listening to episodes where we talk about trucking and fucking and sucking and ducking duck tails and shucking you want to get to this adult superstore right now and get some arbol penis pills justin this is more of a reminder to myself when i listen to this series i just wrote it on the back of my hand in sharpie series calendar reminder urb max stamina um special pills reminder send that to my personal account thank you and pick up another nine pack of dad fuel why do they only sell it in nine packs it's so inconvenient i know uh they do have max size mail enhancement formula so that's it more of a cream uh well for max fun mail enhancement formula

i've always said in order to make sure that you really maximize it and blow it up down there you got to go both internal with some sort of uh some sort of pill and then you need a you need a topical appointment if you go this definitely or you're just going to stretch the inside it's going to stretch the inside you're going to get stretch marks it's going to look like a zebra's neck uh this is a this is a site you can go to extreme machinist.com it's going to be uh uh super private um your it will be discreetly shipped to you in a box shaped like a dick is the y'all's going to say is there like a second option because everyone talks about the discreetness what if i want all my neighbors to know what's up yeah like an option where

it arrives and the guy knocks on my door and says hey your special extra large condoms are here hello are you here i want them to know yeah they could they just bring you a giant crate like in a christmas story only it says saying fragile it says like pussies just so people know let there be no doubt about it if you head over and use the coupon code middleist extreme machinist.com you're going to save 20 which is like one fifth of adobo would you say that the website itself is discreet or is this the kind of thing that maybe maybe you do on a a small screened computer if if your significant out there is around uh a little column a little column b maybe your significant others into it maybe they don't know they're into it yet do they

have like a secret skin that you can apply to the website to make it look like the opera television channel website and then there's like a picture of like the upcoming you know book of the month book but the text of it is like secret tix yeah just like what you said is there uh and there's a boss button so if your boss comes by and just click that it looks like charts and stuff and but the chart is like how your boner will go when you put this cream on it and it's just a line going upwards so get over there it's a time to boner x y uh access so uh get over there extreme machinist.com pie chart how much time will you spend fucking and but it's just one big blue circle and the circle just the circle just says yes all time uh i'm new to the whole dating scene most of my previous

boyfriends were dudes who orbited around my friend circle uh and conversation flowed easily however once the friend ratio of x's in my group started creeping towards the 40 percent mark i figured it's probably time i started branching out problem is i don't know how to converse with the person i've just met in a way that's not awkward once i start trying to think of something to ask panic sets in and i draw a total blank it's the getting to know you questions that i struggle with the most i don't know what's appropriate to ask it might be considered prying if you guys have any ideas past the obvious what do you do type thing i'd love to hear it that's from gmail i like this question i like this question because it presupposes everything we've been chatting about

which is the best thing to do is to ask them questions get interested in them and don't be afraid to like start the conversation out about them that's great i think it's a very fair point because i think there are certain questions that seem like prying but i actually get i have problems with this when it's a person that i sort of know a little bit and i'm seeing them because like i'm always worried that i'm going to ask like how's your dad and um you know he's in jail again or something you know and i'll step into a landmine that i didn't mean to because you were so busy having an uncomfortable conversation that you weren't looking down at the minefield you're walking through right exactly i wonder do you think now's really the time justin can we focus

now i'm just wondering you know how's your family they're all dead i don't know kaboom kaboom um this is like this i really do think that like having those kinds of conversations and getting to know somebody like having those those getting to know you conversations it's a skill that you really do need to practice because it is different from having a conversation with just some rando if you're like on a date or whatever um i think that's why i think that's sort of the the reason online dating is successful because it's like practice it's like you can practice having these relationships and it's the most low stress scenario ever because if it fucks up it's like well you know there's so many people on the internet you know just look at twitter i'm like

sitting here trying to think of a question that doesn't just make you sound like just a complete boner well don't it's like well the question it was like what i thought is like so seen any good movies lately and it's like i it's i think it's about the sincerity with which you ask it and if you ask it like i just did you sound like but there's nothing there's nothing so there's nothing sincere about like so tell me about yourself like what like what i really really like sour jellybellies like what the fuck do you want from me like what do you want to know that's not your that's not yours to know i think if you come at a date from the angle of an interrogation like you're just gonna weird them and yourself out like just talk to them i think that's the issue

that's why i have such problems with meeting people in bars because there's no context if you're like at a movie screening or you're like in a book club or you're anywhere else like you have things to talk about but if you're at a bar all you can say is what are you drinking yeah and do you come to this bar often like so do you like really loud house music or oh you don't have you tried to have you tried dad fuel's paleo oh it's so good it's a bit they've used lots of hops hops for pops is what they call it um you could ask them the the questions that james lived and uses just go through those cycle through those they would love that hey so what's your favorite word oh i'm travis nice to hear sorry sound you love boxes or briefs i've never watched

inside the studio when you get to heaven fuel or dad fuel trick question i'm in marketing for dad fuel to which side do you dress um i see that from shoes or bow ties i think that'd be great just set yourself up a set of flashcards that was all like or questions that didn't have anything to do with one another flamingos or bathtubs oh very interesting witches or sand witches and i do mean hear witches that mainly practice their uh their machinations in sand do you know what is really usually very successful is if you are at a bar or something and you're meeting somebody um uh just walk up to the person and then point to the person next to them and be like this guy right i'm griffin by the way maybe offer him a tom's because most of the time you

probably use one oh i've got yucky stomach acids i've got yucky tummy do you have yucky tummy pop one of these i'm griffin by the way this is going great i think if you really feel like we've made a tummy connection when you introduce yourself to somebody if you say i'm and then your name and then by the way that's probably the worst that's probably the worst five because it it implies that you've just had like a really long in-depth conversation failed to mention but if you're like hello i'm griffin by the way but that's i played that cut like when i was in this person's shoes like just out of a relationship in college and like i'd never really like dated before and like would just be talking to like some strange person i just met in a bar like and then

we talked for like 10 minutes about like some shitty movie that we just saw and then it's like oh i'm griffin by the way i should have afforded you that information 10 minutes ago maybe whoops movies do this all the time though movies do this with a delayed title card so you'll be watching jake sully run or run through the jungle for 10 minutes and then after 10 minutes it's like oh i'm avatar by the way that's maybe maybe we should play like yeah and be like i'm griffin by the way directed by griffin coming soon and then leave the room that was just a teaser and then you come back and you say it's time for the release date by which i mean sex okay next time you're talking to someone of the opposite sex and try to pick them up stop them

after two minutes and 30 seconds and say sorry baby this is just a trailer unless you're ready for the red band trailer and then you do your dick in which case i will meet you in the alley i'm gonna box office smash your pussy apart did i do good i wanted to play along so you guys are playing like a fun game together and i wanted to get in on it but i didn't know i didn't i that was one of those conversations i could only sidestep into and then say box office smash that pussy apart i'm griffin by the way you're welcome guys great guys and and so inclined girls there's a great line you can use next time you're right in a movie it's the worst just get engaged as quick as you can man nobody nobody knows what they're doing

up there uh griffin how about a yahoo question yeah i'll give you one man i got like six i got six really good ones um okay this one may not be able to start much of a conversation i just love it so much i was sent by ben hawkenberry thanks ben it's by yahoo it's his user she's that one who asks how do people on jeopardy know the answers i don't know where that question's gonna go but i do just like i just like the picture of this gentleman watching jeopardy and like pulling his hair out what kind of freak how do they know this this is amazing oh my god they have superpowers um let's try this one this yahoo answer is sent by christopher cook thank you christopher it's by yahoo answers user shondalt who asks is it weird to carry a list at the grocery store

i was a giant eagle and about to go into the store i had my car pulled aside and stepped to the side to get my list out of my pocket it took about 30 seconds for me to reach the list in my pocket there's this one lady standing behind me and awkwardly staring at me strange so i said to her go ahead you don't just have to stand there and wait for me she gave me a disgusted look and said rudely whatever the way she was looking at me was beyond weird and treating me like i was dumb or had severe obsessive compulsive disorder for having a grocery store list of what to buy uh is it weird and obsessive to carry a huge grocery list with you blah blah blah blah blah blah so the deeper level here is this young man was masturbating in the giant eagle park i was masturbating through

my pocket at giant eagle is that okay i know they allow that at piggly wiggly in fact they encourage it the jiggly piggly wiggly but i was giant eagle is that not cool no are we i want to say something about giant eagle real quick okay is the world not unfriendly enough to time travelers that we have a giant building with the words giant eagle written on the side like what else are you gonna think is stored there yeah you're gonna think there's a giant eagle in there right yeah well there i mean isn't that what you would think people of the future do not journey into that building have you it contains a bow to pray the likes of which have never been seen this is where we've we've imprisoned him here and put a giant sign remind ourselves that this is

indeed where we left the giant eagle what do you want to call a grocery store how about eagle no fuck that fuck that noise big how about this giant eagle what about fucking big what about fucking big bear we had a grocery store called big bear we did oh oh big bear huh nice try guys i got something bigger than a big bear a giant eagle oh god they just opened an enormous raptor across the street do you want to go to little cat fuck you of course i don't want to go to little cat damn you and your mom and pop tiny animal store i'm going to a norma seal give me where's my list do you guys use lists i can't i can't i can't do you know why because i don't like my grocery shopping experience to a take six hours and b be like the final round in the carmen san diego

game show like if i have a list that just ensures that i like i'm gonna go oh okay pasta well that's in that's in lane six but then oh shit pasta sauce that's all the way over in lane one i just go through in a serpentine pattern and clear the shelves like i'm in supermarket suite the problem with that is the problem with that is that in this world if you arrive at a supermarket at the same time as someone else who is also serve in teening through the store and you arrive like three seconds after them you are guaranteed to look like the creepiest supermarket stalker ever because you're just like slowly winding behind them like oh you're getting ramen i'm gonna get ramen too turning right here that's funny oh yeah me too me too oh you're getting marshmallow fluff huh having had

a fluff another and forever maybe that's how you do your small talk pickle finds it's everything they big oh oatmeal huh it's good for the constitution pretty cool i love i have to have a list uh i like to do a little bit of planning so i have some idea of what i'm gonna make uh but but i i always i always go the list i don't know how you guys know it's funny to me because you need just what you said like i think lists are for people that can plan meals and i can't do that so i'll just like wind through the store and get whatever i want and then i'll get home and pull out the things that i want and be like what the fuck am i gonna make with pickles and peanut butter and oh Jesus what was i thinking you say meal planning like i don't need a list to when i see spaghetti go yes spaghetti

that it's desirable to me or it will be sometime within the next week week and a half yes i don't need a list do i like spaghetti help me list list says i like spaghetti so i'm gonna go and pick this up but do i need grains i just don't know if you're gonna make a meal with like more than two components then it gets a little trickier what if i want to make swordfish bakala like i'm not gonna walk past the capers be like oh fuck looking good capers get in here oh briny and in a jar perfect that's just what i want get in here capers you and me are going on a caper but that's it but i feel like a shitty bat like a mean bouncer when i walk by the fruit by the foot and i'm like sorry fruit by the foot's not on the list we already got to me fruit by the

foot's in this bar i'm suggesting you a plan that keeps you from buying fruit by the foot like i yeah i do need that structure i guess well then i need a list of mr money bags mr vip you might just say no to the chocolate covered gingerbread cookies yeah i need i need a list a do not buy list that my doctor made for me it's like you need to stop buying so much salted caramels oh man i can get to those right now that is why um i i do not allow myself to go to the store by myself anymore without Teresa yeah because the gentle shame that she puts upon me when because when we walk in our local Aldi because Aldi is awesome the first like 30 feet is all bags of chips and i will just without thinking about it grab like eight bags of chips yeah and the

gentle shaming that Teresa and that's like every week the gentle shaming that Teresa will lay down on me and be like oh cheese puffs uh oh andoritos i feel like i feel like oh oh and you're getting the wavy chips oh and the regular chips i feel like uh i feel like i've talked about this before but Rachel and i when we go grocery shopping she starts on one end of the store with a cart and i start on the other end of the store with a cart and then we meet in the middle and once we meet in the middle we go we go check out have i talked about this before this this amazing 12 minute long grocery shopping maneuver um the only how do you do that without a list i and how do you do that without not meeting in the middle and her going why did you get 18 boxes of cookies

well it's because i'm well i'm a grown-ass man um but also because i man can eat cookies i mostly just buy the same things every time i shop which is uh unfortunate because she starts in produce and i start on the far far end of the store when they put the bad foods um so without fail every time i start my journey the first two things i put in my cart at the h e b grocery store is toilet paper and low fat ice cream sandwiches so somebody who sees me at the beginning of my odyssey is like this man has very specific plans for the evening and that is to party on some skinny cow ice cream sandwiches and then poop and white butts you have to be so careful when you're buying toilet paper i'm about having it like i'll go to ride aid because i need toilet paper and then i'll get

like one other thing and i always feel like the subtle message i'm sending is this makes me poop i went to wall greens yesterday to buy batteries and uh was reminded that it was discount valentine's day candy time oh and so like i couldn't stop myself i bought three boxes like heart shaped boxes of chocolates to be shared with me and my fiance and then i realized that when i walked up the counter i was buying a pack of batteries and some like outdated valentine's day candy and i just couldn't i couldn't even think about what message i was sending to this poor man that was ringing me out except for wow this is a sad guy poor guy but then i ate all of that chocolate in one day so who's the sad guy now what's great about my maneuver is sometimes

we don't meet each other in the middle and you make to the other side of the store it's like well double chili this week i guess i guess it's double chili week fuck perfect and ice cream sandwiches always melt by the time you get to the cashier so you guys just get cans of chili sometimes yeah yeah that'd be dope i wish i could have a can of chili do it it's healthy the can of chili you get a thing like a block of albedo you melt them together you got some delicious chipped it well i decided i was thinking like wolf's turkey chili it's like you know it's like 280 calories but that's like your whole meal sinney's not big time chili so i don't get to eat chili much you could have your own secret husband chili that you drink with your dad what are you

having for dinner tonight me husband chili and dad fuel obviously try to start a family do you guys want to end the show yeah i do griffin i really do okay uh hold on one second i just do need to try to get the domain for dad fuel really just staying in there real quick just trying to grab that i feel like you should talk to us about like how we're gonna split the revenues for dad you're just sort of going for it right now shit it's taken no but wait i can get you dad fueled on it can you get me dad fuel dot org i can't go do you want dad fuel dot okay i can get you dad fuel dot org or i can get you dad hyphen fuel dot com which one do you want can you get me me how about what about um um suds buds dad fuel or just why don't we start with suds buds we can

go suds buds dot com slash dad fuel and that'll be like our landing page for our dad fuel product and then that that allows us the opportunity to really suds buds is taken well now suds buds dot net i can get you okay now sudsy dot com oh man i can get sudsy shit well sudsy is our is our mascot i'm sudsy the dad fuel let's i'm drunk and i love you how i have another one okay extreme restraints okay that's taken dot gov dot gov okay it's a side about waterboarding dig it what about dad fuel dot xxx uh that is 90 dollars loci into thank you guys so much for listening to this program uh we uh we really appreciate you of course tuning in every week um hopefully you will join us again next monday and every subsequent monday as we delight you

except for the mondays that we skip baru which we did last week and sorry we don't do it that often it was a bit it was the wicked busiest weekend just some of snowed in he almost died i almost died in emo now who's the bad guy now who feels um we've uh we've got a website mbnbam.com we got a twitter account at mbnbam uh people tweet about us with the mbnbam hashtag people like kala austin trell uh travis urnesto shanta sasha um brett eagleson uh kevin grant um katie siss narrows uh here jay stanek here's a weird thing i noticed uh this week if you search have you guys noticed so soon you can taste it yes yeah you have noticed this there's like a spam it's like a spam bot right there's a spam bot that tweets so soon you can taste it period period mbnbam and if you search

for that specific phrase there's like 30 spam bots that have used that specific phrase which i find that very endearing because i think it's just like a thing that they say so that they're so that they're like their shitty accounts don't get caught for being spam bots so like our show is like a heuristic for seeming like you're a human being oh so this is like the new turing test right right anybody who talks about like no robot knows what our fucking podcast is we're not that we're not that but in a way i feel famous a little bit because like before like they'd be like man i shared you like justin beaver and that would be like the metric for for humanity oh also i think we missed this because we were gone last week mysteriously um but they announced the max fun

con line up it's oh yeah it's sick it is exciting if you haven't seen it check it out we're up in it yeah we're there we're doing uh we're doing a mbnbam justin and i are doing a a video game panel with tom bissel um she'd be pretty crazy so if you like that i will i will be doing nothing shadows won't do shit i'll be drinking malort this is me and john hajman drunk in the pool oh and uh speaking of john hajman before i forget check out all the other awesome podcasts on the max fun network uh judge john hajman jordan jesse go bullseye um oh and bullseye which is now going to be on npr so congratulations yeah that's awesome yeah i forgot we couldn't talk about that but yeah it's npr npr bullseye catch it there and check out uh stop podcasting yourself throwing shade

risk memory palace oh i feel like i forgot one international waters jordan jesse you know the gentleman who makes a memory palace uh uh nat demio uh wrote the episode of parks and recreation last week not this week oh last week it's a great episode he's also going to be at max fun con so come i will see him and hug him yeah um i want to thank john rogerick in the long winters for these for theme song it's a departure of the album putting the days to bed thank you john rogerick in the long winters for this for the song that i just mentioned uh griffin yeah the last question of course yeah i do it was sent in by christine erickson thank you christine spayah who answers user dark one who asks is it good to be a pilot i'm just a macabre i'm charlottan i'm griffin by

the way this has been my brother my brother me it's your dad