My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 141: Dan the Man with the Flan Plan

Episode Date: February 25, 2013

We made a podcast for you! Sure, it's got some rough edges, and is made of macaroni, and is not a podcast at all but rather a piece of macaroni art. But still, a LOT of love went into it. Suggested talking points: Favorite Oscars, Squatting, iButt, Dansexual, Big City Livin', Hot Topic Apocalypse

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me, Pixth Oscars. I'm gonna start with the grouch. Oh no, don't, don't make that joke. You're gonna start with what? The grouch. He said the grouch. What's your favorite Oscar, Travis?

Mine is Oscar from The Odd Couple, and you should say like your name. Nope, I don't want to be associated with this goof. I like that spring-legged murderer. Sorry, which one? The one that the blade-footed wife-killer. Blade-footed wife-killer Oscar. Oscar. Pistorius. Pistorius. Oh, no! Blade-footed wife-killer Oscar Pistorius is your favorite Oscar? See, I thought you were talking about Spring Hill Jack, and then it turned out to be a much worse thing. He did not have Oscar in his name. I know that's why I was confused. I was very lost as to the direction Griffin was taking it. This summer, in The Fugitive 2, Oscar Pistorius is on the run from the law as he races against

Time to find the two-legged man that killed his wife. You literally made that joke last week and on last week's besties. I did it. It's never made it to press. It's never made it to press. It's never made it to press. It's always been before. Griffin, you edit both those shows. Has that ever made it to press? It's made it to my ears three times. They just leave it in the show for once. Tragedy plus time equals comedy, and comedy plus time equals whatever that was. It circles back around and turns back to tragedy again. This is my brother. My brother reads an advice show for the modern era. The Oscars are over. Congratulations to Argo. Griffin's edited it and whatever.

I really think Argo's going to take it. I just haven't seen that many of them. Can I be honest with you guys? I don't even know who's nominated for Best Picture. God, are you uncultured? The only movies I saw this year are Argo and the training DVD for my blender. Unless Lady Mixing Up Strawberries is nominated for Best Supporting Actress. It's picking up a lot of buzz with the foreign press, though. I mean, but they'll fucking watch anything. Have you guys seen Amor? It's like, we get it. They're old and they're dying slow. It's like cocoon if the aliens didn't come down. It's just non-plot-driven cocoon. It's like, you know how waking Ned to Vine is about

old Irish people? It's like if you took cocoon and took out all the action sequences. Take it out. Ned Beatty and Warren Beatty and Diabetes. What's his name? Diabetes Beatty? Diabetes Beatty. No, what's that? What's that? You're thinking of Ed Grimly. Oh my God, just give me a straight answer. Oh, fucking Blaine Howard Taft. You son of a bitch. Okay, you guys talk one at a time. All right, Travis, what is Wilford Grimly's name? William Howard Taft. Okay, bad. Griffin, what is Wilford Grimly's name? I fucking know this. What is cocoon? Fuck. Correct. That is correct. You did get it right. Under the wire to go, this is my brother, my brother, me. It's an

advice show for the modern era. That's right. We're ready to help you. We've got our own stuff together and now we're going to help you do the same thing. Is Wilford Grimly nominated for an Oscar this year? He's nominated for best dead person forever. He's not dead. He's dead as fuck. God, is he not dead? Wilford Grimly? Is he not dead? No. Wilford Grimly is alive as fuck. I know. That oatmeal is getting it done for you. That's true. He loves it. He stirs in a spoon full of insulin every day, keeps him going. Do you guys hear his voice when you eat a meal? Like, I think of that like, it's got good for your stuff in it to keep going all day long. I eat it. I hear really erotic things in Wilford Grimly's voice. Show of that, right? Mm-hmm. You know what else is

rich and creamy and has flakes of oats in it? Oatmeal. Also might come. I'm a hundred. Okay. Good, good show today. Over the last 15 months, I've lost around 100 pounds, built muscle, and gotten more fit all around using just exercise and willpower. I now find myself with a tiny bit of something I never had self-confidence. Are there any steps I can take to nurture and grow this confidence in the continuing attempt to be a better me thanks in advance progressing in Pittsburgh? First of all, congratulations. That's fantastic. Way to go. I'm proud of you. Unless you weighed like 120 pounds beforehand. I'm down to just a skull at this point. Yeah, this is beyond like a level of Kate Moss unhealthiness. This is like, this is like thinner. This is fucking bad news.

You look fantastic. We're really worried about you. You weigh less than eight pairs of shoes. Yeah, I'm really worried. Justin, why do you continue to insist on comparing things to shoe weight? Because when I was in school, they told us that one pair of shoes weighs a kilogram, and so I somehow got it in my head that that's a pretty good system for measurement. That seems flawed because every shoe is different. Is that like one pair of adult male cowboy boots or like one stiletto heel? Every shoe is different, trust. I think we would all do well to remember that, but they all have beautiful souls. Chad, you're such a carry. You guys. I would, man, it sounds like you got enough. You just wrote into a podcast to brag about how

fucking super healthy you are, and that's great and everything. I wouldn't get any more confident than that. I think I think you go any further than that. Yeah, you're bordering on Hitler. Why? I'm not sure Hitler, though. I'm saying that he gains a little bit more confidence pretty soon. He's going to sleep through the world. No, I guess maybe. I'm to be fair, I may not know the origins of Hitler or what he lost like a hundred pounds. What his whole scene is sort of what his place in history was like who the guy who the guy is. Any of it at all. It was that he did some paintings and got really confident and turned that confidence into like a dictatorship. Yeah, that's true. Right? I mean, I am proud of you. It's just you don't want to.

Do you want to be the next Jared? Like I hate to bring up Jared every fucking week on this show, but it does seem that way lately, doesn't it? It does kind of see Jared as the new ghosts and like I worry because every time that dude comes on your TV like here it comes again. I'm getting another fucking year full from Jared about how eating nothing but subway sandwiches turned his fucking life around. But he says it now in a ways like I ate sandwiches until I have disappeared. That's like we get it, dude. And it's doubly irritating because you know now he has like the money to like pay someone for that. Right. You know what I mean? Like he has the money to hire a personal chef. Yeah. I don't think he's rolling into subway and buying those sandwiches anymore.

But more importantly, he's got enough money that he can just put the weight back on again because like he has so much money even if he goes on like an eating spree becomes the Burger King spokesperson for a year and then blimpos back up, he's still going to be extremely, extremely fuckable because of all that skrill. We're losing the narrative of Jared. The narrative has lost its impact. I think he needs to put on like too handy and be the spokesperson for Butterburger for a while. He needs a spiral is what you're saying. Yeah. He needs an arc. Well, he needs specifically he needs two arcs on either side of his body that represent his chunk like coming back in an arc. As goes Jared, so goes the country. I think if Jared becomes the

BK spokesman comes out, does a press conference says I'm done with this healthy living. You only get one trip around this beautiful blue orb and I'm going to spend mine eating a sloppy dog or whatever they have at Burger King. I'm going to get some chicken. Mainly sloppy dogs. I'm going to get myself a sloppy dog, chicken, slipper combo, which is like an actual, actual footwear made of fried chicken. And he just really, really loses himself. And then a year later, he's back up to 450 flips back to Subway for yep, prodigal son comes back says I'm doing it again, America, getting healthy for you. We didn't see him lose the weight the first time. We were just like part of that. Right. All we got was a skinny nerd ass looking dude with some big old pants.

Like I'm not sure that that's good evidence for me. Did he start the big pants movement? I know, but it's one of my favorite things in weight loss commercials. It's like, I've got big pants. Oh, good for you. Because what you don't see, maybe what you don't see is he's got giant legs when he was fat, but his torso is completely normal. I saw Norbert, you know. Yeah, sure. This is not your main. You just wanted to brag that you you were one of the three people in the country that saw Norbert. I did see Norbert. I'm not ashamed. If you were to ask if I've seen Norbert or not, the answer is yes. I saw it.

I don't know how to tell somebody to have comp. Just when somebody walks up and says, how would you evaluate yourself? Just go pretty good. I guess like that's it. And then you have confidence moving on up, getting better. I don't know. It's just one of those things where it's like you could, I don't know. Is it a fake until you make a thing or just keep taking care of yourself or the more you care for yourself, the more you like yourself and the more confidence you'll have. That's what I have to assume. I don't think you just wake up one day and be like, I'm confident now. I have noticed that maybe not, this may not be necessarily confidence, but in terms of just keeping yourself going, I think that I've had some success with doing like a little bit of

exercise in the mornings, kind of sending yourself the signal that like it's worth taking care of yourself. And I think that if you do a little bit of that kind of stuff every day, you do stuff like increase your water intake and just take a couple seconds out of your day to look after yourself, take care of yourself. Do something for you for once. Do some sit ups, put a mirror on the floor and then squat over it and then like really get a good look in there. In where? Where? In your gafer? Is that what you're saying to me? I say, you know, in the deep dark pit that is your change. You gotta love, you gotta love the skin you're in. Dove. I think everybody has had the experience of

maybe getting out of the shower or something or being nude for some reason and getting up or going to like change or something and you get a look of yourself. Like you get a look of yourself in the mirror that's like, I did not know I had that angle, you know? Like I did not know that was part of my look. Yeah, I feel like, yes, for me, I feel like it's precipitously just getting, I feel like I've aged like 10 years in the past three months. I don't know what it is, I just look at my skin and it's just, just sallow and I don't feel great about myself, I guess is what I'm saying. Well, you know what I do? I have rampant narcissism and I just think I'm fucking awesome. Yeah, that helps, I guess. It does, it helps so much. Yeah, Travis is a man

that is very familiar with bathroom floor mirrors. Oh, God, yes. In fact, my entire bathroom floor is just made of mirrors. Yeah, the problem is it's really slippery. Oh, man. Do you guys want to go? Yes, please. Crab salutely. What? That's my new thing where I pretend I'm a crab? Is this crab salutely? It's all like crab puns, like crab salutely and you got to be crabbing me and I'm feeling kind of crabby. Wait, wait, wait, wait, how is you got to be crabbing me a pun? It's a pun on shitting. Is there like smurfing me? Oh, okay, so I see, so it's like crabbing is like a noun and a verb and an adverb and an adjective and. Yeah, I'm tired of, I'm tired of all these crabbing Krabbsicans taking all our jobs. Oh, it's also racist. Like a racist crab.

Guys, my, my boyfriend wants me to crab on him. What? What? Like poop, like poop. Oscar Pistorius crabbed his wife. No. Crabbed his crab. This is that funny. And then they put him in the crab electric chair. But you just said electric on the end of crab. Okay. Griffin, do you want to go ahead and crab this question? Yeah. This Yahoo was sent by Jacob Locker. The prodigal son returns. Why did you say it like a creepy accountant? Well, because that's his punishment for not, for not making it on the show greatly. Is asked by Yahoo answers user Risha who asks, are there any phone apps that you can download to make your butt look bigger or make your butt bigger to make your butt look bigger or make your butt bigger? What a wide gap between perception

reality and this person does not seem to grasp it. Are you saying like an application that can bend reality to your like, or okay, what if she's asking them to make it appear bigger or something that makes your butt bigger, but it does not appear bigger. She's fine either way. Oh man, we're getting into some string theory shit though. That's some Schrodinger's cat. If Schrodinger's cat had a fat ass. Just put your ass in a box. And then depending on if somebody looks at it or not, it may or may not be bigger. Uh-huh. It is dead in both universes. Or wait, it's alive. What's it? How is Schrodinger's? One butt cheek is alive and one butt cheek is dead. I get like that sometimes when I sit weird at the movies. What you got to watch out for is when

one butt cheek consumes the other one in the box. Let's make this simpler. Of course, of course there are 5,000 iPhone apps that make your butt look bigger. There are 5,000 competing companies. There's a startup company that began in San Francisco that was it was completely originated. Somebody's full-time employment is Funny Butt Cam. There's Funny Butt Cam, there's iButt. There's iButt, which is fighting against it. And they actually have a copyright suit against it. It's a lot of Silicon Valley politicking. Let's take quick odds on iButt being an actual app available right now in the App Store. One to one. Okay. It is a statistical... I would say zero to one. Let's do a parlay. Let's do a parlay. What does it do? Is it just another

fart piano? Is it a Funny Butt Cam? What are we talking about? I bet it's something that you could take pictures of your friends and somehow like superimpose butts onto their faces. Oh, I see. Or maybe it just erases their shorts. I think you would just call that butt head, right? Oh, that's a better name. Or butt face. Butt face is probably... Butt Facebook? It's probably a good way to go. Butt Facebook. Sure, why not? This is an untapped market. Yeah. I guess I feel like this is like a quantum thing where as we even consider the possibility of these different things, they simultaneously become extant. Okay, super quick. I tried to search for iButt and it suggested I search instead for iButterfly, which is very different. Yeah. A much more... a much different

approach to the whole big fat ass thing. Yeah. There are no apps called iButt, which I assume has to be old Steve on TV. But what Travis is saying is that by saying it, there is a JavaScript programmer right now furiously typing out what he needs to get iButt on the market before the episode is over. Uh-huh. Who's listening in, though? That's their fucking spies everywhere, man. Thanks. Thanks, WikiLeaks. Thanks, WikiLeaks. I've been using my fitness pal to help me shed the LBs. 17 LBs in 2013 as of last Wednesday. That's so dope. So thank you very much. Why don't you get my fitness enemy? Okay, my fitness enemy not only tracks the special kind of foods that you eat to get that fat ass because we know it's... we know it's out there. We know those foods exist.

Lot of legumes. And then also the exercises that you don't do and the special way that you sit at the movies that makes your butt cheeks bigger. I would just... I would like to play that game where it's like today I didn't do a million squats and I definitely didn't do a thousand sit-ups. We can... A good work. That's a half a point each. You have a billion points now. We could uh... we could somehow work the gyroscope inside the iPhone into the app so if it detects that you're moving around it's like chill the fuck out skinny, skinny person. Oh and there's like a Siri-like voice that sometimes just comes on and goes yeah have some pizza. What? Don't worry about it. Finish your plate, Daniel. Daniel, Daniel it's your fitness enemy. Finish your plate, Daniel.

It's also got a pedometer function that shocks you every time you take a step. Yeah. So with every... And the electrodes are attached to your butt cheeks. It's double function because when you zap them it tenses and releases and it strengthens and tones. I'd bet you that there is also an app out there that vibrates at a certain frequency that like the creator of the app says if you put this on your butt it'll get bigger or your pee or your peepee or like what I bought. Well exactly that. It's just sending him pictures of your butt. But like super close. It would just be a black screen but they would know. He knows. I know exactly what it is. I believe that's fifth quadrant if I'm not mistaken. Why? Why? Travis has cut the human butt into butcher style cuts. I also want to say

that there's someone out there right now listening going quadrants are in fours you asshole. Hence. Fifth quadrant is the secret tasty part of the book. You can't get that from the butcher unless you know him real well and only then you've got to have already been going there for like two or three years. You have to have an apple core and the will to never give up and finally get to the fifth quadrant. You get to the fifth quadrant. You eat that piece of butt. It's like the alien surgery scene in Independence Day. The problem is it is like the Fugu fish where if you get the wrong cut of butt you're dead. If you eat even a portion of the fourth quadrant of the butt. Kiss it goodbye. Yeah. Quite literally. You will have a butt there. A portion of the first quadrant.

Well that's just social suicide. Yeah. What are you a poor person? Now if you get in that second quadrant. Six. That is we all know is the aphrodisiac quantity of the butt. I was not meant like that's a but whole. Okay. Good. Wonderful. Just saying people do that. Wait. People actually can't technically like from a physics point of view. People can't eat but it's very it's that's why the absence of thing. Now that's the absence of but I guess you ate my butthole. But you're so hungry. I don't have a hole down there anymore. It's just a it's just a continuum of a flesh. I don't know. The only thing they can eat buttholes is the Langleers because they can actually they bend space of time. You know how often

Hitchcock doesn't have a belly button. Is that true? Yeah. It's true. That's because he's dead. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Okay. He doesn't have a lot of things anymore. Okay. But no. Yeah. He had surgery when he was a kid and he they sewed up his belly button so he didn't have a belly button. So he's just like a matryoshka doll or whatever it is. It goes. You can just stack multiple. I feel like most of the people that buy apps and like I buy a shit ton of apps but like I just have this feeling that most of the people that buy apps are dumb and so I really do think that this vibration we could get like a doctor to sign off on it be like yeah put that on your on your dip on your dipstick your dipstick and it's going to increase in size. Take it from me.

Doctor. Doctor. Oh wait. So we've we've somehow veered from edible butt parts to a an app that makes your dick bigger or your bite or whatever you put on it. Maybe you put it on your muscle. It vibrates it and the doctor says that kind of power. I know. What if you like left it on your pinky for too long and then you got a giant pink. Oh yeah. Oh man. It'd be rough. Be like the end of Akira. You just flood a whole city with your body. Do you think there's a metal detector app? See that's that's that's exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about. Like point your camera at the ground. We can tell when there's metal in it. Like you suit and you wicked can't. You totally can't. Okay. There definitely is. And it says for fun only. Yeah. Okay. So no business no business

applications. Okay. No business applications for this imaginary metal detector. Okay fine. But I was going to do science. Ah damn it. Quiet. I'm down. And you need full focus to do that. How do you download stuff on your iPhone? A lot. I have to stare at it to make it work. I gotta remember my past. He hand checks each bit and bite. Is it. Yes. Yeah. Oh. I made my password deliberately difficult to remember and enter to prevent myself from drunk buying any more apps. A metal detector online textbook. Sixty dollars. Sure thing. You got it. First review. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. First review. It is a fake. It goes by the way you tilt your iPhone. Second review works for most metals. Okay guys. That is honestly like a plant. But if you're

going to get a plant why not why is that plant like I don't know it's cobalt just fine but 10 it can't seem to don't see the rock 10 but it got cobalt for me so. Oh my god. Here's a great review. Delete it. Does not work on any iPad touch that is five stars. Perfect. It is great and it's horribleness. Oh man. Let's get another question from one of our beloved readers. What do you guys say. No. I'm a straight lady. It happens to be very picky about the guys I date. So I've been single for a long time. My bestie who's significantly less picky and termed my longstanding singleness as asexuality or at least I think she has any time someone hits on me or I hit on someone around her. She practically shouts I'm asexual until they go away. She expects me to thank her

for saving me from them. She also makes jokes about how asexual I am constantly. I don't want her shoving guys in my face but this is out of control. How can I explain to her that I'm not asexual without her thinking I'm hiding in the closet. And that's from persnickety in Ohio. Can you just say it. Why don't you just say get the fuck. What the fuck are you doing there misery because you're fucking creeping me out. Hey Sharon maybe don't bring it up. You can feel that way all you want to. But maybe that's not the opening line when you see me talking to a fella. Hey maybe you like you've had kind of a cold streak because your friend Sharon tells everybody you're asexual. Your vagina grew over. Maybe that's the issue. I'm not like

a relationship scientist or anything but that seems probable. I will also say that it's kind of offensive that there's a population segment of population that is actually living with asexuality. There's like a group of people. It's not like a goof. There's like actual asexual people. Yeah. They're like a cool thing for you to be like oh she doesn't sleep with anyone. She's totally asexual. Yeah actual thing. Hey dog. You know they've got their own struggles trying to get accepted in society without your your friend Sharon trying to pussy block you at every turn. Yeah. I'm sorry is that like the acceptable thing for cock blocking. I could came up. I could come up with way worse terms. I know you could. No I want to hear like three of them. Oh god.

Lip-zipping. I don't know. I don't want to hear half of one. First time out ladies and gentlemen Travis Patrick McElroy. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh no they can find it social now. Social. Social. Oh that's rough. This is so fucking steep. This seems like like this isn't even to me a conundrum. Just say that fucking Sharon be like hey I need you to cut that shit out. Yeah. Not only is it not only is it not cool but it's also making me less likely to find someone that I actually meet my high standards. You know what I mean. Like your friend is unless unless. Oh I know what you're thinking. She's trying to mull hole and drive you. Oh no. That's probably not true though. Well there's also the possibility that you. Okay this is awful but I'm going to tell you

that maybe you are unconsciously wingmanning Sharon. Wait a minute. So you're going out these bars together. Oh shit. Okay so. No this one pretty much doesn't even have a vagina. I'm Sharon by the way. This is what. Oh man. I'm just saying that Sharon may enjoy having someone that is not on the pursuit that they're just talking to her up and making her look good. So you're getting the guys all heated up right. Sharon is poaching. Oh my god you're right. I'm just saying that you can't. She likes you. She likes you as her partner in crime going out on the town because you're not a threat to her game. It all makes perfect sense. It does it though. But I'm upset that maybe we've been doing this show for too long. Should that make sense. Now

we have to know it's totally makes sense. Yeah. Okay. Yeah it's because everyone in the world is devious. Everybody's got secret. Well okay okay everybody does have secret. I mean like she probably just thinks okay when we are all so sort of lost with how to behave in public that I think that it there's part of us that likes having like a bit you know that you can do like yeah a routine that something that's comfortable where you kind of like oh yeah that's kind of our bit. So when we go out our bit is I you know I pretend she's asexual and she's not I don't I don't actually know what the conclusion of the bit is but the person the person fucks the guy that this girl was trying to hook up with. That's the conclusion. That's how it shakes out right. Yeah I don't know. I think

it just sucks no matter what she's uh even if she thinks she's being harmless like it's still it's still kind of a bitchy thing to do. It is. It sucks. Yeah I think you just need to unless unless she's trying to set you up as like can't fuck this. You know what I mean. Oh she's putting her on a pedestal for preemptively. This is what this this is what I'm saying. It's not what I'm saying though because it's the it's the dumbest. Let's just say it. Get it out there. If you say that this person doesn't have sexual then the person if the person is the right kind of person or by which I mean the wrongest person ever they might say well I can get some sexual in there. Let me see. I bet I can let me you haven't seen what I do in there. Let me find out.

Let me find out. Maybe you're just maybe you're just damn sexual. Hold on. Let Dan find out what's going on in there. Maybe this whole time. Might as suggest Dan. Hey don't be Danfobic. This is let me break you off some Dan just real quick. Which tastes of the flavor. You know what they say once you go Dan. Hey did you try the flan? Because Dan makes flan for you after he makes love to you. That's the flan man. Don't even worry about it. That's basically Dan's calling card. If you smell flan you know Dan's been fucking. Do you want to fuck Dan and eat some flan? Oh what's that? You don't like flan? I understand. The weirdest Dr. Seuss book ever. Dan the man with the flan flan.

Fucking. Dan's about two things. That was his feet and flan. And we're all out of flan. On his deathbed Dr. Seuss handed that book to his publisher like Dr. Seuss is like listen I know I know I told you that I didn't have any more I said I was out the game but wait till you hear my new shit. I know I've been battling with mild dementia but I believe this is my magnum opus. That bitch is fine. Let me know what you think. It's like that scene in proof. This is just pictures of a guy fucking some flan. He had so many characters. Dan the flan fucking man. What do you think? What do you think Seuss incorporated? Can I get another hit? No. We are already building the

ride at Universal. We're about to edit this more than the original story for Hop on Pop. What the? You're on fire today. I know. Absolutely. Just keep passing him the rock. Speaking of fucking flan. Do you guys want to go to the funny zone? Yes. Do I ever? We got a message from Marissa Yoko Hankins. Either that's her actual name or she torred part of her group of friends. We'll probably never know the truth. Now she's from Cassie. She's a G. I recognize that Twitter tag. Cassie Rosenbrock is who this message is from and she says happy 26 Marissa. She's hilarious and kind. She works with nuns and she doesn't even use swears around them. She has a complicated dog named Tofu. She's converted everyone she knows

to an MBMBAM fan. Presumably not the nuns. Well yes I don't see anything wrong with this. And she deserves the best MBMBAM wish money can buy. So happy birthday. Happy birthday. Here's your flan. I hope you have a crab. Absolutely wonderful birthday. No. No. Trav hit me with this new one. Hey do you guys like iPhone games? Yeah. How about bow? Tell me about it. It sounds cool. Don't wait. Wait. Hold on. Tell me about it. I'll tell you about bow. Bow is a photo taken game you play with friends. It's made by Awkward Hug and College Humor. So that's pretty awesome right there. And Awkward Hug are huge. My brother my brother and me fans. I wrote a post about this game the other day. I had no idea that they were they were a part of the oh shit cross pro. I know

the MBMBAM Illuminati group. I don't know. Skulls and boning. What do we call our secret fans? Skulls and boning. Okay. Skulls and boning. The Illuma the Illuma Naughty. So about I'll explain the rules because they just didn't do it. But luckily I have that knowledge. By the way maybe you should hire some marketing PR because you obviously don't know how to write promotional spots on comedy podcasts. You set up a category like do your best Spider-Man and then all your friends take pictures of themselves doing the best Spider-Man and then the judge votes on the best picture. That's such a good idea. Yeah. I like that. It's fun. So it's just B-O-U-T. Yeah. Check it out. Get it on the iTunes Store. Yeah. I'm going to. You're going to be bad about it. Oh god. This next one

I'm going to say I'm very excited about. Oh hit me. I'm ready. You need to visit corndogday.com and order your party pack. Click on party pack button and get it. Seriously. Get it. Happy National Corn Dog Day everybody. National Corn Dog Day is March 23rd. What's that? It's a day to gather friends, watch the college basketball tournament and eat fucking corn dogs. Lots and lots of corn dogs. Forget feats of strength. Try the triple double. Ten corn dogs, ten beer and eight. I'm sorry. Four. I heard everything. Susan. It happened again. God damn this holiday. Ten corn dogs, ten beers, a hundred tater tots and a single afternoon. Many have tried. Few have achieved. Ramp up the ultimate celebration on meat on sticks

by ordering a corn dog day party pack. The party pack have coupons for free boxes of corn dogs, posters, t-shirts and other fun stuff. So go to corndogday.com and get it. What the fuck you guys. Isn't that awesome? It's but it doesn't make. I get like the national dairy farmers like doing commercials for milk and shit but like corn dogs seems pretty esoteric to have it. Right. Do you fight the council for corn dogs? I guess. I mean man I've eaten a corn dog in a fucking grip though. I know. Man. I want one really bad now. Yeah like when you corn dogs are one of those things where if you don't think about them a lot well you're like most people but when you do think about them sometimes you just get excited. Yeah. It's like when you hear hooves and you think zebra

then um then you're you want to eat a zebra dog. You're legally insane. Look at this art on the front page of corn dog day that is put in the sky window guys. It's like giant this this brawny woodman is airlifting giant corn dogs into a truck and now all I can think about is eating a corn dog. They'll kill you in a day but now I want 10 corn dogs 10 beers and 800. So we hear you want to make your butt bigger. Well we've got a recipe for you. It's the Astop or XXL butt plug brought to you by extremestraints.com. Now for just $55 we're going to get you into a butt plug. Well no sorry we're going to get a butt plug in here. What's it going to take for me to get this butt plug in you? Mom bark it down. Before you leave our storeroom

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haven't been able to find them? Don't worry. There's a whole video about dominant diva. There's one about male chastity. There's one which actually I think I saw that in church camp once that male chastity. I think we signed a pledge and got some rings if I remember correctly. Right but the ring wasn't a tiny cage that you put around your penis with a sign on it. It says bad. Maybe it might have been. I didn't look. extremestraints.com is the website you can use the coupon code middleist save 20%. Good luck not jerking off. Next question. Friends are constantly telling me I should move away from Oklahoma because there's nothing here for me. I understand there's a lot to do an experience in other parts of the country but I spent my whole life here. I'm currently planning on going back to

school getting a master's in education teaching English which will give me plenty of time to the summer winter spring breaks to travel and see the better states. That's better in quotes by the way. Well I regret not moving out of okay and seeing what else is out there. Additional details. I'm a musician. People tell me I'll never have the chance to blow up if I stay here but I think I get to play plenty. Are people just projecting their ambitions on me and that's from okay Oklahoma. Man this is going to get real. Yeah they are projecting their ambitions on to you which is what we are about to do. Also brace your ears. Maybe. Let me give us some perspective on Oklahoma first. I'm going to say this because having been from lived in both Oklahoma and West

Virginia two of the most shadowpond states in the union I think that my take on it is that every state is more or less the same. If you discount California and New York every state is just about the same. They have big cities like two or three you know maybe more big cities and then lots of open space in between. You know what I mean. Like I look at Ohio and it's got you know Columbus and Cincinnati and Cleveland which are huge cities. If you drive well 10 minutes or they're relatively large cities. If you drive 10 minutes outside of Cincinnati there ain't nothing. Yeah it's a fart it's a fart hole. I mean it's the same driving into Chicago in Illinois you know you drive from Cincinnati there. You hit Chicago it's gigantic but like

20 miles outside of Chicago it's farmland. Yeah but I think what's more important than just Oklahoma. I think that the point of if you are if you are here's what I'll say. If you are having any doubts at all about it you definitely definitely need to look around. Like you definitely need to do a tour like you're planning on because like you really won't know what is best for you out there until you until you look like that's the only way that you can check it out and look in earnest. I think it's a great point Griffin. I think you can you can get conditioned to one area and think that other areas are they become more foreign to you and that you think well I could never be at home there. So I would heartily recommend I mean like obviously I've decided to

settle here in West Virginia. I've been all over I mean I've been to most of the major American cities and I've I've checked it out I've seen what's going on and I've I've you know I've always wanted to come back here. I think you got scared by all the cars. It's like what are these uh triceratops like I don't know. One of these fire breathing I don't know. The thing is is like I think the important thing to keep in mind is end up where the best like the best setting for what you want to do you know what I mean. So for example if you want to teach you know college English make sure you settle down near a college that has a good English department. And not in Chicago because it's very hard to get a teaching job there. Yeah but if you want to do music if you

want to go the music route then yeah you probably don't want to end up in Norman Oklahoma. Yeah that said that said like you know I know lots of people that they live in smaller towns and they play at bars and they play right at music festivals and maybe that's like fun for you like you can just I mean yeah you're not gonna blow up like do you want to that seems really hard. It seems really hard to be like a big gigantic rock star seems like the odds are probably see that that is my only problem with people moving to giant cities banking like a huge a very unlikely career on them you know like if you want to first off with the internet now you can have a music career outside of New York LA Chicago I mean you can sell music direct to people and and build a

following that way and yeah I mean eventually you'll probably need to tour if you start to catch on but like you look at a musician like Jonathan Colton he built his following completely online before he ever started well that's what Brent did yeah that's what Brent did he started on YouTube and now he very rarely actually performs in New York he travels to yeah that's true conferences and does all that you know I remind my friend Maggie her dad is a stand-up comic he started when he was like 30 35 kind of late a little bit late and he makes his living entirely off of doing stand-up comedy and he just tours you know he'll stop and play a week somewhere and then go home and you know be home for a while and that's how he makes his living and he he you know lives in

Oklahoma and you know you just tour to other places got kids got kids all up and down 66 I bet I'm saying your friend's dad is an adulterer no no I picked that up after I agreed with it now I feel awful but it's it's one of those things where like you make your own scenario dude you know what I mean so if you want to stay in Oklahoma and do other things do it you know but that said there are better environments for certain things like if you want to work in the film industry yeah you probably shouldn't stay you know in Oklahoma it's so hard to be happy it is happy in Oklahoma like fucking ride that comment little yeah it couldn't be like that couldn't be that's the most important thing and it seems like such an obvious thing but I had so many friends that like that left

college or high school and said like I'm just gonna move to this place because you know I think I could I think I could find a job there very very successful and none of them were especially happy I don't know that's that's why I kept moving around after I graduated because I don't know I just I just couldn't I wasn't as happy as I am now in Austin and I like I knew that it was out there I just it wasn't for me in Huntington or Cincinnati or Chicago like I had to come here to find it you know Teresa and I have had a lot of discussions about this and I apologize to our listeners because like none of this is really funny but Teresa and I had a conversation about this very early on and the idea is like the thing keep in mind is places don't make you happy no like you got to be happy

in the place the place the place can have shit that makes you happy but ultimately humans like we don't need that much shit like I need a few nice restaurants and a bar that I can go to that doesn't give me the creepos and a movie theater that where all the people don't talk and literally if I have all that shit and I'm basically set you know and people who are in New York you know you ask them about you know what you know what's your favorite tie place well there is the tie place that is within two blocks of me all right and you'll ask about someplace else like I don't know that's three blocks away how can I know where that is I don't know what am I a millionaire I can't travel you know it's it's just like you know find a place that makes you happy now if Oklahoma

makes you happy then yeah don't worry about it too but if you find yourself like sighing out the window then yeah maybe go explore we're not go rambling I don't mean to make it sound like we're shitting on New York it's it's just like I don't know I I think that it really does come down to the type of person you are if you can put up with having way way way way way more shit in the place you live then you could possibly ever see and as a result sort of pay a convenience tax on that shit like yeah there are a hundred tie places to to go to but like buying groceries fucking sucks like I don't I think that if you're the kind of person you can make that trade off go for it seriously though go you have to look around and I know that this has been kind of long and not funny

but I feel like this is like a huge a huge issue that a lot of people were a more mobile society than we've ever been before yeah it makes more sense than ever before I think too it's never been easier to like stay in con I mean stay connected to to the place you you grew up into the people that you love and and and I think that makes us feel a lot more you know I think it puts more of an onus on you sometimes to to travel because it you know you can still stay tethered yeah yeah and I think it's also I also think it's a social you know the thing where there's kind of an understanding that like oh if you really want to live it up then you got to move somewhere bigger yeah fuck that that's yeah I think there is no there is no best city like period except for

Austin there you just have to find the the best city for you which is probably Austin okay let's move on Griffin do you have a yahoo question for me yeah I sure do I've been waiting for it and I think you know the one I need oh oh I don't this one was sent in by Brian Root thanks Brian it's by yahoo answers user Machi who asks what are the consequences of brandishing a samurai sword in public can I just walk downtown with it without troubling anyone I don't know can you I don't know since that's never happened before ever I don't know answer I don't know time ninja can you fucking keep it under wraps and keep it keep your your heels cool while you're walking down the street with that samurai sword if I say okay wait wait wait is he's when he says brandishing

does he mean like in in it like on his belt I don't see like he's walking around carrying it he's walking full-blown vocab like brandishing is out of the scabbard yeah yeah brandishing is out of the shower like shaking it at people right scabbard in one hand I'm not troubling you holding them out holding them aloft full-blown mishon just like ready to looking like he's about to wreck shit I think that I think that I've never seen someone with a samurai sword scabbarded or unscabbarded there I wasn't troubled I will be troubled the trouble is inherent to having the samurai on unless you are a block away from San Diego Comic Con but even then it's like go back to your fucking zoo then if you go half a block more just a guy with a shotgun goes head on back

now yeah no turn turn right back around he's going head on right on back all right um prison I think is a pretty pretty solid consequence see I I disagree Griffin and I think it's psychiatric counseling go hey so why did you think that was a good idea holy shit this would be like an amazing movement against like like gun nut people is if like if people who don't like guns why are they called anti-gun people just carry around giant swords in public and then the gun people like hey you're making me super uncomfortable and it's like that's why oh that's how that little thing in your belt makes me feel I think what you have to do is you gotta make sure is there like some kind of government agency you go to to get a permit to carry your your sword there's gotta be right

you get a concealed carry for your gun I think it's the true love weights card works pretty much the same way promise not to have sex yep you got it you got it here's your sword samurai sword that's what they should hand out at true love weights instead of a promissory you get a promise samurai sword because you are not having sex and here's you either this or these steampunk goggles or this gesture hat man fucking my kids will never believe high school in in the odds there's a circle hot topic it fucking sucked no surely that's just a store of legends it was real it sucked everything was really really bad it was a bad it was a bad time basically for everybody nobody nobody fucked that's why the population dropped so significantly now hand me some of those MREs

and some of the boiler water so we can continue to thrive in the outlands let's see that's for nothing hot topic here we wear our goggles unironically to protect ourselves that's in the dust tornado it's hot topic I wish we had samurai swords now because of the mutants hot topic is gonna sponsor children of men too and it's gonna be like no babies have been born it's not because we can stop fucking it's just like who wants to look at him look at him he looks like a cyber clown he's just Clive Owen wearing ironic super mario t-shirt well we're not fucking he's his shirt has catnog on it it smells like funyons what happened you Clive Owen you were you were in shoot them up what happened you're in shoot them but now you're bracing

spikes on it it's four inches wide I'm having a hard time thinking about fucking you because you're playing dance dance revolution can we go can we go can you put me in your giant black denim jean pocket and carry me away like a kangaroo are we done yep is that it enough jokes all right this has been my brother my brother made some advice show for the Modular we thank you so much for listening to it and enjoying it thank you to people tweeting about our program using the nbmbam hashtag I would ask that you uh you if you're going to tweet about our show uh throw in some links to uh throw in some links to our sampler it's bit.ly forward slash it's my bim bam how's uh how's the second the second chapter of that second one is like i'm sort of it's sort of

in the works justin's it's it's been done for months justin's just whittling every precious millisecond off of it he's he's trying to hone it down to the perfect just want to get it perfect and done uh so that's coming along i'm getting there um and uh and and thank you for sharing the show yeah um hey we need to get real serious for a moment okay so there's this whole issue going around with uh podcasts and there's some patent trolls that are um really just being assholes they're jerks yeah basically what it is is they're claiming that they invented podcasts and everything that people do is illegal and infringing on their copyright um our friends and stuff you should know have been hit by it uh adam kroll has been hit by it it's a bunch of

really shitty dudes doing this our only hope is right now going through congress um that's what's called the shield act which basically says that if this frivolous lawsuit comes up if the podcast wins if the defendant wins the um patent troll is forced to pay the legal fees right it's the the odds of the us losing it is you know negligible but the the legal fees would be they would be crippling um to you know if it if it hit us it would be like pretty much the end of like i don't think we could pay for what do we take to do it i think if if maximum fun got hit like it would it would be devastating so we'd have to just start it emailing you we'd have to start mailing cassette tapes right we would have to become a whole underground podcast movement you know those

email chains that your your stepdad forwards to you and they're like kind like they kind of say some offensive stuff about justice so do my ore and you're like i don't know how to feel about this that is basically what we reduce to is email chains that we would send through your stepdad so we're going to be posting a link for it today um we're working with the electronic front to your foundation uh to mobilize podcast fans to contact their congress people about the shield act and tell them to you know pass it and help us and it's it's really it's important to us it's important to max fun but more than anything it's kind of important to the podcast medium in general so you know you guys are fans let's stop this thing together i guess how do we when we post that

url make sure you click it and do what you need to do yes we can yes we can finally change change change you can believe in uh so uh that's gonna do it for us here on my brother my brother and me thanks to john roger and a lot of winners for letting us use their song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh you can go get that on itunes and uh make sure you join us again next monday for my brother my brother me oh uh if you want to email us your questions your quandaries your queries you send them to mbmbam at maximumfund.org uh and if you want to get a birthday announcement or whatever congratulate someone in a shout out it's at maximumfund.org slash jumbo tron uh it's finally out who is sitting by ira ray are you ira ray

so i just tried to sing it like sing the first part so that we could just like get get through it as fast as we do nice okay thanks ira ray it's by yahoo answers user more mott's who asks what around the house stuff can i use to make my daughter look like benjamin franklin i'm trying to make my brother my brother me kiss your dad