My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 142: Tom Bosley Upskirts

Episode Date: March 5, 2013

They said it couldn't be done! Who said it? We did. Because two-thirds of us were pretty sick all week, which makes recording a podcast (or sitting upright) a harrowing task. But we love you too much to quit. It's our biggest fault. Suggested talking points: Throwing DJ Jazzy Jeff, Netflix with John Wayne Gacy, The Rest of the Story, A quiver of dildos, the shenannies, the documentary Jack Frost

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Happy birthday Patricia Heaton. This is our special Patricia Heaton birthday episode of my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era and also, also Chasbono. Did you just Google Wikipedia and then on Wikipedia, did you Google birthdays on March 4th? This is our Bono Heat episode. Bono Heat honoring Chasbono and Patricia Chasbono, Chasbono Patricia Heaton.

Do you think, but I bet you Patricia Heaton would fucking hate Chasbono because she's a very close-minded She seemed very conservative to me. Is she the mom from Tooltime Show? Yeah, she's mom from Tooltime and she is mom from the middle, but not mom from Malcolm in the middle. Common mistake. Really? What a small world. I know. And who is Chasbono from? Chasbono is from Mermaids and Sonny and Cher. Okay. Also Rick Perry. So it's a cool day. March 4th here on my brother, my brother, me. It's sort of our Patricia Heaton Chasbono, Rick Perry themed episode. So all of our questions will in some way have to do with those three celebrities. If you don't see the connection, you're probably just not thinking. The first person to respond with an email that

lists the connection between all of the emails and either Bono, Heaton, or Perry. Oh, I got it. Griffin, you can't participate because you work for the show. But I know the answer. But you can't say it. But they had three of them fucked. The three of them fucked that one time all together. Well, what does that have to do with any of the questions we're about to answer? Unless all of the questions are about that time when Rick Perry, Chasbono, and Patricia Heaton fucked. Yesterday, and as long as we're talking big news stories, recently, Dennis Rodman traveled to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong-un. And the headline, the big opinion, the popular reaction from media critics is that he did not perform well. The CNN headline is

Rodman fouls out in North Korea. And I would just like to join with my media brothers and sisters in our disbelief that Dennis Rodman did not handle international diplomacy with North Korea. Our final hope has failed. Our last chance, like sending Bruce Willis to destroy the media media and Armageddon. Dennis Rodman has failed us. Is it possible that he did like a passable job? We just really wanted to use that fouled out pun. I mean, just showing up is half the thing, isn't it? And like, nobody else has showed up. How come, hey, Obama, give him a fucking call. Hey, Obama, why don't you give him a fucking call and maybe talk it over? They have nukes, guys. I'm spooked. Spooked about their nukes. We're nukes spooked. And we just want you to

pick up the phone and call that little guy. Why don't you fucking give him a ring? Listen, he's adorable. But he's probably just as scared as we are. He's more afraid of us than we are of him, except that we're really afraid of him. Not as afraid of I am as Dennis. Let me start over. My fear of them and their nukes, my nukes spookiness, is not nearly as crazy high as my general Dennis Rodman discomfort, my Dennis comfort, even seeing that fucking guy. It's not great. He looks like he survived a trap from one of the solid movies. It's rough stuff. What if he had rolled up and just been like the most amazing diplomat and like Kim Jong would have walked out going, I'm sorry. I see it now. Rodman on North Korea, we cool. He says,

apparently we cool. We cool with North Korea. He fixed it. He fixed it all. This is an advice show where we take your queries and turn them out, we like, into wisdom. Here's my first advice, Obama, pick up the phone. Let's pick it up. Let's rip off the top and guzzle it down. Hi, I'm a 22 year old girl and I have a problem with what I call nerd rage. Seems to be getting in the way of my dating life. Guys don't seem to like it when I let it out, but it's almost involuntary. When someone brings up an X-Men movie, I start going off on 20 minute tangents without realizing I'm even doing it or getting into hours long arguments over who would win between Loki and the Hulk. I've tried dating not nerdy guys to avoid the arguments, but I would die a little inside every

time a doctor who reference falls on deaf ears. What should I do? Should I tone down the nerdiness or just keep waiting for David Tennant himself to whisk me away? That's from Alan Z in Charlotte, North Carolina. Listen, we're all waiting for that day. Yeah, we all want David Tennant to even if it's just like a friend romance. Well, we are all happily engaged or married, and if Tennant knocked and knocked down a door, we could not say no. Justin, Quacky, something adventure. Like, all right, David. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Justin, get more books. Get more sky sheep, Justin. We're going on an adventure. I can honestly say that if David Tennant walked to the house, I would get super like little puppy

excited and I'd look at Theresa and she would just kind of go like, go ahead. She doesn't understand. She knows that. She would sing a refrain from Jolyne, but he would pick you anyway. Yeah, I mean, this is just FYI. Let me go ahead and preface this by saying, I don't think that this is like because you're a girl having nerd rage. I think that anybody who does this, it's kind of a turn off. It could be a bit of a turn off. Yeah, it's, you know, there's so many real things to be upset about. Like North Korea, Dennis Robbins over there, messing that up, like get angry about that. That's a real thing. There's like social issues and stuff that if you bring it up, everyone's going to go, oh yeah, I agree too. I'm also mad

about that. The problem that I've found consistently with nerd, you know, arguments or what have you is depending on the setting, you're almost always alienating somebody. There's almost always someone who doesn't know the source material as well as you or like is completely oblivious and that can make for a kind of unwelcoming social experience for anybody. I mean, I love my, I love my nerdy escapism as much as the next guy, but I find that it can have kind of a chilling effect on your social experience. I also find that in my life that it's like timing is everything. Like, yeah, I've had real long, like, you know, debates with people about who was the best Doctor Who or about, you know, the Superman movies or the Batman movies, lots of arguments about Avatar,

the cartoon versus Avatar the movie. And it, and, but it's, I don't do it every conversation I have. Like I have the one friend that I have my Doctor Who discussions with. I got the friend that I talk about, you know, cartoons with. I have a friend I talk about comic books with. And then even that is maybe like 5% of the time. You know, there's an appropriate time when that conversation happens organically and not like, oh, I see that you own Wolverine Origins. Now let me tell you why that movie sucks, you know? Yeah, I think it's negativity that I have a problem with. I'm about to come to your guys' houses and duct tape your butt cheeks together. Why fucking nerd lords? Okay. What are you even talking about? I just, I don't, I don't party on these kinds of, because it's, it's, if I

was talking about, if I was talking about, if I was talking about Mario Brothers that says don't hate the player, hate the game, you're welcome hot topic. Go on, go on. What I'm saying is if it wasn't Doctor Who, or if it wasn't, you know, comic books, if it was sports, or if it was wine, or if it was sport wine, which is a new kind of wine that I'm doing, it's kind of like Gatorade. It's kind of like the Gatorade of wine. But it gets you messed up. Yeah, it gets you really fucked up. So it's not good for like, if you have to throw or catch the football or really run into anybody, it's, it's still an R&D. Anyway, it's snobbishness regardless of what it is. And like, some people can party on that. But like, even if they are of equal level nerdiness in you, is that really how

you want to like, found a relationship? So, so your point being driven is not content. Yeah, it's not the content, it's the tone. Because if you're like, if you're like a fan of a specific baseball team, right, and then somebody brings up baseball and you launch into this half hour long diatribe about why the Cincinnati Reds are the greatest baseball team and everybody else sucks, and you're like really heated and angry about it. Like, nobody's going to like that. No. Especially people sitting around you going, yeah, I don't care about baseball at all. Yeah. Yeah. And everybody cares about baseball. Fewer people care about Dr. Who. I have to see the math on that. Gryffin, can you read us the Yahoo question? Yeah, sure. I can, I can do that. This one's

sitting by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? I'm on Colmeds. I'm sorry. I know, but I just had this moment of like sheer horror. What if he doesn't do it? And I really, I've become Pavlovian like trained to be like, but we, hold on, say it, say it. Yeah, I hear it in my sleep now. I hear it when people say things that sound like Ira Ray, which is weird. Anyway, thank you. Do you have an IRA? Who wants to know? It's by Yahoo Answers user Wolf Runa who asks, who would win in a fight between the dad in the wonder years and the dad in happy days and why? They both rule a strict house, but who would win in a fight between the two behemoths? The best. Oh God. Speaking of nerd rage, like too much time has been spent figuring out who would

win in a fight like Superman in the hall. We need to get more into like, who would win in a fight Wilson from home improvement or Comet the dog? Wilson would beat Comet to Jack on his own hands. So who we got? Dad from wonder years. Uh-huh. And Jack, Jack wonder years. Jack wonder years. You got Papa Cunningham. Papa Cunningham is Tom Bosley, correct? I didn't watch any TV that was on the air before. It's the boss. It's the boss. Right. Okay. It's the boss. Uh, and then you got the, uh, God, come on. I'm a double Dan Laria as the dad from wonder years and he is a big, I mean, he is fucking, he fucking, I, I watched that show late. I watched that show in like college and he fucking scared me. He was scary. He's a scary man. I haven't seen a

lot of happy days, but I want to know what episodes this person is watching where they're like, Tom Bosley runs a strict house running a tight ship. God, Tom Bosley is tight fisted. Everybody gets one. You get one more and you're out. Do you remember the episode where Tom Bosley does beat the shit out of Fonzie for leaving the light on in the bathroom? It's not even his son. That's a tight household, Mr. Cunningham. Crazy. I think wonder years dad would eat him alive. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me? Dan Laria plays Vince Lombardi. Okay. Okay. But you guys, Bosley is clearly more cunning. And so he's going to win. Was that the whole? Was that the whole? No, I actually, I actually didn't realize till about halfway through that

fast where I was going with it. But then you followed it. But then I went with it. I took that rabbit hole. Can I come at you with this? Uncle Phil versus, I can't remember, Reginald Vel Johnson's character's name for family matters, but I can remember Reginald Vel Johnson. Carl Winslow. Carl Winslow. Oh, God. It's Uncle Phil because here's the thing. It was always, I mean, not even under the surface that Uncle Phil had a violent streak. He threw DJ Jazzy Jeff like 20 yards a day for all, for all of the great work. Will Smith did on that series of making African Americans non-threatening. Uncle Phil was right behind him, undoing it, moment by moment. Just throwing DJ Jazzy Jeff. I'm a white suburban guy. I'm trying to not be

afraid of you. Uncle Phil is throwing your people. He is launching African Americans at his front door. How am I supposed to be comfortable? In the years that I've watched this show, it is only just now occurred to me that the neighbors of Uncle Phil and his family about once a week are looking out their window to see a scrawny black man being launched out the door. What do they think is going on in that house? How does Uncle Phil figure out that Will is the one making them look bad in their jazzy neighborhood? Right? Phil is trying to blend in and bell air, and meanwhile, he's throwing black people out his front door. And there's an episode, if I remember correctly, where Uncle Phil sits on a rabbit and kills it. What does that have to do with anything?

I'm just saying that's scary as shit. Carl Winslow never sat on a rabbit. Despite the fact that Reginald Ville Johnson, as TV's Carl Winslow, is armed and dangerous because he's a fucking police officer, you think that Uncle Phil's sitting power is enough to... When Carl Winslow is ejecting Steve Urkel from the house, he uses his words. Yeah, and to be fair, I never saw Carl Winslow's hand words hit me at. That would have been a great episode if half the episode was just him spent in therapy filling up paperwork for having to discharge his weapon to kill a rabbit that was on the couch. Maybe you didn't fucking watch Die Hard, which is part of the Winslowverse.

It is in the Winslowverse. I've convinced myself of this, by the way. I mean, he plays that cop in like 19 movies. Oh, that's real nice, Trav. Real nice. I mean, that funny buddy. That cop, really? He's just afraid to shoot people. What other than Die Hard and Die Hard 2? Oh, god. Now you can put me on the spot. Yeah, I put you on the spot because you're talking out of your ass. No, you also did it in Fairly Matters. Fairly Matters, the movie. There were like 100 episodes of that. He was a cop at all of them. You can think of Die Hard as being a long and confusing episode of Family Matters.

I believe if I'm not mistaken, I think he was also that cop in Ghostbusters. I think that was a ghost. Dead Carl Winslow. I'm just going over his IMDb page right now, looking for any kind of character that's just listed as cop who's afraid to shoot gun. I had someone on my paper route when I was younger. His last name was Bosley, and I convinced myself that it was Tom Bosley living a life of prophecy. Tom Bosley just couldn't handle the attention in Poverazzi anymore. All of the getting out of the limo shots where his vagina was showing, he just couldn't stand the attention. All the father-dowling heads chasing him around, trying to get their pick with father-dowling.

All the sex tapes, drug scandals. Tom Bosley just could not handle it anymore. Oh, Tom Bosley, you're missed. Yeah, I do miss Tom Bosley. I guess that is one advantage that Dan Lauria has over Tom Bosley as being corporeal, I guess. This is one thing that's good about Dan Lauria is that he's alive, so that is helpful. I mean, that's a big plus. But as angry as he is, though, I'm counting down the days over here. That takes a toll on a man's heart, you know? Yeah, no kidding. Especially when a man is that big and that threatening. Okay, semifinals, semifinals.

Hey, we're gonna bracket this. We're doing it. To be fair, Dan Lauria in 2014 is starring in a movie called Icky, an American dog story as Paul Puccini, so he probably wishes that Tom Bosley had killed him. Every day. Every day he would just call Bosley. What could have been? Why did you finish the job, Tom? So here's another question from one of our users. Recently, I've been feeling that I think about things too much. Sometimes I find I'm unable to take action because I'm busy thinking about what might happen. Case in point,

I recently helped my friend DJ a dance party and a girl I don't know came up and tried to dance with me. I wasn't dancing before and rather than getting out on the floor and having a good time, I thought about the reasons why I shouldn't or why it wouldn't be appropriate. Pretty soon, this girl makes some excuses and left. I wasn't able to have any fun because I was thinking too hard. Is this a problem or is it just a personality trait? And that's from introspective in Indiana. Before we get to the question, I want to say that the thing that caught me is all the excuses why you shouldn't. Like, what was it? Was it like a kid's party?

That's a pretty good fucking excuse. Were there snakes on the dance floor? This party is at McDonald's. We're in the play place. What are you talking about? The floor is lava. I mean, okay, yes, it is a personality trait and personality traits, I think, are only a problem if they're impacting your happiness. I mean, that's when they become... I guess it depends on is this you saying that you think things through or is this you saying you have a hard time making decisions because you're thinking about every different possible outcome? That's not a bad trait to have. You just have to know that when an attractive person is stranger, is dancing with you, that you have to shut that voice. I feel like this is an issue that I have

in real life or like I did, but I've been making a very strong effort over the last two or three years to stop doing it and my life is like a thousand times better because every so often, that's a good thing, like when it's deciding how you want to do your health insurance or a payment plan. I want to meet someone who said petruses about their health insurance. I don't know. Let's go catch the wind. PPO? PPO, I have no idea. Let's do it. Just do it. Sign me up. Do I want a new car? Sure, I do. Oh, no. Whoops, I got dog insurance on myself. That's okay. I'm going to have a luscious coat. If someone's like, hey, you want to go see a movie? Yeah. Yeah. Don't sit there and go, oh, I don't know if I see that movie while I'd be too tired tonight and I was

saving money and that extra eight dollars maybe. Like if you want to go, dude, do it. If you want to dance with the girl, do it. Don't sit there and go, well, what if it turns out that she has a boyfriend and then he beats me up and I break my leg and I lose my track scholarship and then I end up homeless? No, if you have a track scholarship, you need to be, you need to keep your head on his fucking swivel because everything out there wants to break your ankles. I'll tell you one thing that I've been doing lately that has kind of helped me deal with this because I absolutely have a problem with this and it surprised its negativity. I remind myself that basically everything bad that has ever happened to me, I never have seen that shit coming. Like I never

think like something bad's coming and then it does. It's it, I don't, I think everything's cool and then it gets very bad. So like the very fact that you have even thought about a negative outcome means that that's probably not the one that's going to happen. So like just, just get over it, just go with it and bad, bad things are going to happen. Absolutely. A ship in harbor, a ship in harbor is safe. But that's not what ships were made for. They were made for sailing to adventure with Captain Ron. You are a ship and Captain Ron is beckoning you to adventure and you need to just pile on board. You could have had this lady on your, on your mast. Uh huh. Oh, wait. Hold on. What's the front thing on the front? Your, your, the mermaid statue? Your figurehead. Your,

this girl could have been the mermaid statue. Uh huh. The prowl. The prowl that you put tape to the front of your boat. Hold on. You could have duct taped this girl to your boat. You could have fucked this girl on a boat and you didn't because you thought about how your dancing wasn't correct or some shit. Ugh. This makes me sick. Yeah. This could have been a person. You could have made love and then the condom had an accident and you could have had a person. And that person was like the next Martin Luther King, Jr. Or, or it also could have been the next John Wayne Gacy. Oh no. Yeah. Okay. It became a Paul Harvey story. He probably thought, what if I fucked this person and then it's John Wayne Gacy that comes out, not the person

themselves. I think I would see that. Dude, dude is huge. What if this person turns out to be John Wayne Gacy? I didn't notice. I was so foolish. You were wearing clown makeup and you're covering kid blood. He got me again. Let's continue this party under my basement. Can we not, John? The party's fine. Can we just spend a night on the couch washing Netflix? The other thing that is important to remember that it is more negativity to cure your anxiety is that no one thinks about you ever. No one ever thinks about anybody other than themselves. If you're worried what people will think, don't. They don't. They're not thinking about you. They don't, they don't care. You're the only one that's caring and you're caring more than everybody else.

I would argue that in this situation, like not doing it and being like, uh, uh, uh, is making her think less of you than if you just got out there and been a bad dancer. Because now she's thinking like, what was the big deal? Why didn't that guy like me? Like, what's, why is he being so weird? You made her feel bad about herself. She doesn't pick up a guy at a bar. They didn't make the baby that would ultimately save the world. This is what I measure things in now, by the way. Right. But I do love that it's only like a three or four step process. Yeah. That's right. And there are only two degrees of people, either it's the next Gacy or the next thing. It's one of those two. Always. Always. I think there actually was a Paul Harvey story

about like an abortion clinic where it's like two women came in and one got an abortion and one didn't. And the one who got an abortion, her son was going to be Picasso and the one her son was Hitler. And that's the rest of the story. Oh, Harvey was a fucked up guy. Man, Travis, that is the funniest bit you've ever done about abortion. You might have fake your top five abortion bits. That is definitely the top five. That didn't come from me. That came from Paul Harvey. But it came from the Paul Harvey that doesn't exist in your fucking head. Via the transitive property, it came from you. It came from the Paul Harvey that's so fucking stupid. He thinks that people who get aborted, we somehow can predict what they would have been.

It was a what if. It was a what if, you guys. It was a what if. It was a what if story. Pop this abortion in the what if machine. And now you know the bullshit I made up. Okay, Paul. I'm Paul Harvey, drunk as fuck. Please. Wouldn't it be crazy if they passed that bong over here? Wouldn't it be crazy if a woman had an abortion and her baby was like Jesus or some shit? That'd be weird. And now you know a fucked up thing. That I made up. Man, Paul, you have not lost a step in your old age. Even though you think that cucumber is a radio microphone, you have not lost a step. Paul Harvey. Radio Titan. Full of shit. Maybe dead. Possibly dead. I'm not sure. Dead definitely on the run. Dead as Dan

Laurier wishes he was. Paul Harvey. Total asshole. Abortion fetishers. Liar. Professional bullshitter. Paul Harvey. Real asshole. Paul Harvey. You want to go to the mighty town? Yeah, try to stop me. Travis, how weird do you like it? You don't know. That's the problem. And it's a problem that we're all facing because we haven't gone to extremestreams.com and gotten ourselves some sex stuff for sex. Yes, but let me throw this out, Justin. I hate to derail your hilarious goof train, but what if it wasn't for sex? What if it wasn't for sex? We got a customer review,

a confessional from a listener named Meg. She works for an artist at a video game company and they call other guys over to check their computers to review what they're working on and sometimes haters are going to hate and they just won't leave you alone. And so she brought a drill-a-hold fucking machine at a discounted price using the mid-list coupon code and that's what she uses to drive away haters. Oh, sorry, haters. Sorry, haters. I've got a fucking machine. Hey, HR. Hi, this is Griffin from the podcast. There's some shit happening under your fucking nose that you let a fucking machine, you let a drilling fucking machine into your office and somebody is using it. They have weaponized it.

She uses, she has a special carrying case that like she pops the latches on and I imagine at this point like that's enough for them to go, try to go. She made a holster for her fucking machine that she brings into work every day that you haven't noticed. So Streamershares.com is an adult super store and a great place to pick up a plate thing to scare people that will probably get you fired and you can get everything on the site 20% off using the coupon code mid-list. That's right, mid-list. They're running a special promotion right now on dildos where if you buy 10 dildos then you're gonna feel great when you get all those dildos in you. It's not a conventional promotion. Special, put in the coupon code

10 dildos inside and then buy the 10 dildos. You're not gonna get any kind of discount on it only for the coupon code medallist. Just type in the coupon code quiver of dildos. If you can get all 10 dildos in you and you take a picture yourself and you send it in then they will have that of you. Not to us. Not to us. Not to us. For the love of sweet baby Jesus. Not to us. If you packed yourself like a dildo bandolier and then used them to fight crime as like the dilder. The dilder. The dilder. That would just be awesome. Head to Streamershares.com, use the coupon code mid-list and get fucked. Hey folks, this is Kevin Allison of The State and the podcast Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share.

X-rated stories, outrageously hilarious stories, tear-jerking stories. You won't believe how real and raw and surprising risk can be. You've heard people say, oh, too much information. Don't be sharing that in mixed company. Well, at risk, we say screw that. Anything goes. So you've got a treasure trove of jaw-dropping entertainment to dig into, my friend. Look us up at MaximumFun.org, or of course, just go to podcasts at the iTunes store and search for risk. This guy who is sent by Jacob Locker, thank you Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user ObeseCatholic, who asks, is it safe to let a horse live in my bathroom? That's it. Okay, well, depends on the size of the horse.

Safe for you or safe for the horse? These are both great questions. What's your flooring situation? Is it a first floor bathroom or a second floor bathroom? Do you know any people who will ever come over to your house and use your bathroom? Because if you do, a pretty good goof would be to pretend like there is no horse in that bathroom. A what? What did you see in my bathroom? Pardon me? Excuse me? That's my sacred space. That's why I store my tent dildos. What exactly are you accusing me of, sir? Sir? That is my mother-in-law. Sir, how dare you? Oh, good day. You racist. I have to go feed her some oats to cheer her up.

The shenanis. The shenanis that this situation would lead to. I literally, if this podcast was six hours long, I couldn't enumerate them. There's so many possible shenanis. He's gonna eat all your TP. Uh-huh. He's gonna use up all your hot water. Yeah. He's gonna shave his face and then he's gonna have like a regular skin face and a hair body. He's also gonna get in the shower while you hide in the closet and do voiceover for him and make whoever's pooping think he's Mr. Ed. Um, no? No. Why would they get, they wouldn't get, nobody would, nobody would, in this situation, nobody would poop around the horse. You know, we would walk into the bathroom and be like, oh, a horse, huh? Well, if there's one thing I like, it's being seated and pantless

around a giant 400 pound monster with kiteness feet. The horse is in the shower with a shower curtain drawn on the water. There's no reason. There is no reason. The person comes in and says, oh, sorry, I didn't know someone was in here. I was just gonna use the bathroom and you voice over and go, oh, yes, of course, use the bathroom. And then when the horse thinks it's head through the curtain, you're like, oh, I see that you're shitting. Travis, I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt you, but you're being a real parl harvey right now. I, I, uh, I can't imagine any scenario in which you could lure a horse, a full grown horse. Unless we're talking like a little spass situation, a full grown horse into your bathtub. It is not happening. More importantly,

what if you had a carrot? Okay, no, listen, listen, they're not discreet creatures. They are not God's most just, they're God's most beautiful and they're God's most brilliant and soulful creatures and killable. The most killable, most destroyable creature. Yes, but they are not what you might call stealth. They are not stealth animals. They, when they, God made it so they can't sneak up on you because he put, he put, so what you're saying is you need a really opaque shower curtain. He gave them percussion on their fucking feet. You're going to hear him. You got to put down the little rubber fishes so they don't slide all over the place. Nobody has ever, nobody's ever walked into a barn and been surprised by a horse's presence.

Turn the corner and be like, oh my God, I didn't know a horse was in here. Travis, do you know what they call a ninja that rides a horse? What's that? A corpse. Because they can't sneak at all. Because it's really dark, Justin. Yeah. Sorry, ninjas. You took a really dark place. Our whole ninja contingent is going to come. Sorry, anybody who's listening and also a ninja. I didn't mean to be such a ball harvary. Might be fun though. Dress them up a little suit. Like a tray. It would be the best. That's the thing. It would be great for like 10 minutes or, or another good goof if somebody comes over for dinner and they're like, holy shit, there's a horse in your bathroom and you go,

oh shit, he escaped from the kitchen. The worst thing about having a horse in your bathroom is that you are going to be desperate for somebody to see that shit. And from the moment they come over to visit, you're going to be looking at him like, oh, how's your bladder fall? Do you want some coffee and bran? Did you need to poopy? You need to make dirt? Hey. Hey. Hey. You look a little bloated. You need to make dirt? You need to make dirt? Gotta make some dirt. No, not down here. Upstairs. You have to. Why would you put the horse in the upstairs bathroom? Because I only have a half bath downstairs and there's no goddamn way I'm getting the horse in there. Okay. Come on, Griffin. Come on. You've been in Justin's house.

Use your brain. That goof is also on a time limit. You need to get them in the toilet. That horse is going to give you maybe five minutes of silence. If you, if you slap some peanut butter in its jaws and some, if you take him on a long, beautiful ride for several hours in the countryside, getting real worn out, maybe he'll stand still for you for five minutes. But after that, all bets are off. Horses, horses are noted assholes and they like to feel majestic at least, at least three times an hour. So if you go for too long without making them feel or look majestic, they're just going to start winging and then the goof's over. And then you're a weird guy in the horse's bathroom, not the prankster supreme 2013.

So good luck. If you can pull it off. Oh God. If you can pull it off and take a picture and send it into us, we will give you the title of goof master supreme 2013. We will give that to you. We'll send it with a big novelty check for as much money as you want. The check means nothing. The check will be worth money. This is what I'm saying. If you can pull it off, you can have everything. You can have the check. The world is yours. The hat. Oh, there's a hat. Listen, do not take it to a photo shop and have it photoshopped because I will know the difference. If you take a picture of a horse in a photo shop, that would be awesome. I will also send a horse in a photo shop, but I have to know that it's original for us. The horse has to be saying

my brother, my brother and me. Or making his mouth. And holding today's paper. And holding today's paper. No, he's holding tomorrow's paper in his mouth. And we've got an early edition through the years. I love it. Oh man. You guys want another question here? Yeah. I'm 20 years old and while I'm fortunate to have my parents pay my tuition, something I'm very grateful for, I try not to rely on their financial assistance as much as possible. I just got a text from my dad saying he put $100 in my bank account as a gift for a rainy day while a hundo is nice. I feel bad for taking the money. Should I just give him the money back as I step towards independence or should I take the gift and go with it? That's from Mr. Wants To Be Independent. That's so cute.

That's so nice. It's really nice. Just take it. What are you? Take your dad's fucking money. Take your dad's fucking money. He earned it and it makes him happy to give it to you. If you were 46 and your dad dropped the hundo, I see you going, Hey dad, you're in a home. Please don't give me your money anymore. I'm literally paying for all of your care. This is coming directly out of my account. You take that money. Just take the money. Your dad is trying to do something nice. Don't worry about it. Trust me. He'll get sick of giving you money soon enough. So soon. So soon. Scroll it away. Do you have a job? Here's my opinion, guys. This is just for me. I think if your parents are paying the bulk of

your expenses, I think that trying to strike out on your own is noble. I think that trying to secure your independence can be really great for your confidence. But if your parents are already paying the bulk of your expenses, it's a futile gesture. It's a pure victory if you're like, no, I won't take your Benjamin. Just take it and then get yourself on your own two feet as soon as you can. And also, helpful advice, there's a big difference between having to ask your dad for money to pay for something and your dad just being like, hey, because I love you, here's the present. That's your, that's, you've been a good son. You've been a good son. This is your good son reward. Just take it and go buy some Pokemon cards or some shit. There is nothing, there's

nothing unindependent. There's not dependent. That's what I'm looking for. There's nothing dependent about someone giving you a present. Yeah, I mean, it's just nice. Yeah, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. That's easy. Next one. That's easy. Here's more advice. I just moved into a new apartment building. I'm loving everything about the upgrade in space compared to my last place. However, my next door neighbors have started ruining my excitement by playing their music TV all day every day. Now here's the thing. They aren't blasting it by any means, but the base is audible enough to hear in my apartment. It makes watching quiet movies hilarious because it's hard to appreciate a haunting scene where Philip Seymour Huffman with a quiet in the background.

I can usually drown it out by playing my TV and music, but then I risk annoying my downstairs upstairs neighbors. The short version. Am I right to be so annoyed with this barely noticeable noise, or am I just a premium rush? That's from IRA in Illinois. I would, I would argue that it is more annoying to have it barely audible. Oh my God. Yes. Super right. Right. Absolutely. Okay. No, because if it's super blasting, you can roll next door and be like, Hey, turn it down. Well, can you? Can you Superman? Is that something you're big tough? Jeannie? Is that something you're capable of doing? Liu Kang? I did not know. I did not know I was brothers was a superhero. Turn it down. Are you implying that politely asking your neighbors to turn something down is

such a scary experience that only Liu Kang could accomplish it? I'm saying to have the bravery to confront anybody for any reason. Okay. You know what? I'm laughing and making fun of you, but you're absolutely correct. I think whenever something like that happens, everybody instantly turns into Charlie Brown and goes, Oh wait, I'm sure it'll be fine. They'll move eventually. That might just be because the three of us have the kind of type J personalities that never helped you get along in the world. The number of times in my life that I say things like, you know, I should go say something. I mean, I'm not going to, but I recognize that I should. This is one of those moments where if I had a dick,

I would definitely use this. You guys should get in Sydney as a wife because boy, howdy, she does not suffer that. We were in a, we were in, used to stay at that apartment. You guys remember that apartment that she used to be in on Sixth Avenue next to Marshall? Yeah. We were there and her downstairs neighbors like took this to its logical extreme and did the most insufferable thing in the world, which is two at all hours, especially like two to three AM. See, we really choice would blast sublime's Santoria. Oh, that's a good one though. Definitely volume on loop. Yes. Yes. Like, Oh my God, they're listening to fucking Santoria. I'm getting the deepest levels of it. Play it again. She would just, I'm hearing it. She would

just get on her hands and knees with this cast iron pan that we bought. It was the first thing we ever bought together, actually, and she would just pound on the floor with it. And then one night she just eventually got sick of it and went downstairs and started banging on their door with a cast iron skillet and told them to turn off the goddamn Santoria because it was the only song they listened to was Santoria. And now you guys can't make love unless you listen to Santoria by Sublime. Totally weird. Totally weird. Totally true. Hey, man, we're all right there with you. Yeah, listen, there's no Paul Harvey stuff. This is real. No, this is real. I have I have upstairs neighbors that I swear to God, they've got like kids that are like five and six at like

three o'clock in the morning. Those kids are running in circles. I don't understand it. It blows me away. And like, it will wake me up, but not enough to tell them my fucking backyard John Hammond, I wish you would make a noise. I wish I knew what that fucking dude was doing back there ever. Give me one thing. Give me one thing, dog. If I heard like a weird like full brass klezmer band coming from there, I'd be like, oh, okay. So he's like just some sort of weird klezmer guy. But it's not that. It's not that. I can't fucking crack that nut and it's killing me. You're not going to know until it's too late. You know that, right? You accepted that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. The only noise I'm going to hear is the chainsaw that he's ripping through my spine.

That is the first sound from him I will ever hear. You're going to have time to think, is that piano wire? And then your air is gone. You're blacking out. You're done. Ah, man. You got another eye here, Griffin? I mean, is that where we should go now? Yeah, we can take it here. Yeah, who was sent by Joe Ruscio. Thank you, Joe. It's by a who answers user R who asks, is it cool so see a boy sagging their pants? Whoa. If you like it, what type of underwear should it be? And hello, if you don't like it, why? I'm sorry. I need the thesis statement one more time. Is it cool so see a boy sagging their pants? Okay. Is it cool to see a boy sagging their pants? Which is great because it's not asking

if it's cool to sag because the answer is, of course, still and forever. Is she asking a bird watching question? I saw another one today. It's a good omen. Make a wish. It's like the cowboy on the Tootsie Roll Pop Rapper. But what you don't want is a boy sagging his pants to be outside your window because then someone in the house is going to die. That's true. Look at the foot of the bed. Look at the foot of the bed. It's a boy sagging his pants. What's your aunt doing? When I sag, I just go commando, which is not a... So you just have your balls out. I have my butt and half of one ball out. And it's not a popular thing at the mall to do. No.

What I do is I sag my pants and then I have another pair of pants underneath and it looks like my pants are molting. Shitting. And sometimes you wear snake skin pants, which really hides the effect. I think the best time I ever saw a boy sagging his pants was when I was watching Three Stooges and this... In the movie... Are you talking about Larry or Mo or Curly? In the hit film. In the hit film, they see someone, Larry or Mo, Curly sees someone's pants sagging as an African-American gentleman and he says, Hey buddy, let me help you. Your pants are falling down. And then he pulls them up. And I thought, it's 2012. You also thought this is the most racist thing I've ever heard.

This is really crazy. This is really wild. You also thought, why can't I stop masturbating? I also thought, why is it 2013 and I'm watching this movie for a second time? That is another thing I thought last Saturday. This is one of the other thoughts I have. And then I thought, this joke is still pretty racist and not a joke. Really, so much. So the only thing that happens, and we may tangent into this, in the movie, the joke is... Tangent? Okay, a logical step. The joke is just referencing that the young man is sagging his pants and Mo doesn't realize that it's been a cultural thing for like 30 years and attempts to pull them up. That's the punchline? Yeah. Cool. Is it possible for us to continue this

bit without sounding like the script of Old Dogs? Is it possible for us to get out of this episode without sounding like Three Tim Allens? Travis, are there any other bits in Three Stooges you'd like me to clear for you? I still haven't seen the movie. So it's like hearing tales from a foreign land. You still haven't seen Three Stooges? It is on my bucket list. Didn't you want to get ready for the Oscars? Best sound mixing I think was on there. Yeah. Best yucking? Oh god. You guys think the immemorial racism? I think the immemorial was kind of lame this year.

You guys think so? I don't know who died. Not a lot of like good people died. A lot of B-strangers. A lot of B-strangers. A lot of cinematographers, a lot of, you know. Can we all disagree to make a commitment to have more awesome people die this year? Can we get some good people to die this year? Listen, I'm not saying anything, Wink Nudge, but I'm just saying I had like a really blockbuster immemorial this year. We could add, I mean, we could talk to them about adding people that haven't died yet. How fucking crazy would that be? Fucking Mickey Rourke up on the screen, like in the audience. And then he got to Mickey Rourke like, what? No. No, I'm here. Can't you see me?

The whole night's about trying to convince Mickey Rourke that he's a ghost. I'd watch those Oscars. And then like the only person that could see him is Bruce Willis and he just shits his pants. By the end of the night, James Cameron's like, and thank you for this Oscar for Avatar 2. He's jumping up and down behind him, waving his hands. Please. Someone, you can see me call. Call somebody. I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to go yet. I have so much to do. At least turn me into a snowman like in Jack Frost. I need to tell my son I love him. I need to tell my son I love him. Like the documentary Jack Frost that I saw.

If anyone knows a voodoo priestess. I promised to be a good Jack Frost, not like the killer kind, the killer one, Jack Frost movie. Snowman, killer, snowman. I'm done. I quit. I gotta go back to work, guys. I'm done with this podcast. This has been my brother, my brother meets. If I show for the modern era where we do it, you heard it, you know we do. You know how we do. You know how we do. Thank you for everybody tweeting about the show. Unless you tweeted to ask where the show was today, because I really get so nervous. I'm glad you like it, but come on. Hey dog, you can't rush perfection. You can't rush it. For real though, I've had a real bad poopy bug. Griffin has had real my butt.

Griffin's butt fell off. I've had the worst poopy butt like for a week now. And it was pretty touch and go there for a while. You were about to see that. By which he would touch something and then he would go with his hands. Anytime my physical form touched anything, I'd be suspended in the air. Thank you to everybody tweeting about the show. Thank you to Rachel. That's Branson Atron, Elliott Binder, Chris Daley, Beep and Blocker, Mark Brown, Adam Ford, Anders Clem, Jordan Dahl, Prince Cabbage Head, Danielle Farless, Joel Kelly, Complicated Wasp, Hepzie. So many people tweeting about the show. Thank you. Make sure you tweet about it. You use the hashtag mbmbam and you include our sample link. It's bit.ly. Ford slash it's

mbmbam. I want to say thank you to Jonathan Barnes, a friend of ours who works at Cosi and took me and Riley and Sydney on a sort of behind the scenes tour. Oh, that's so awesome. I know it was so much fun. We got to do a show there sometimes. I know, right? Columbus. So thank you to him and thank you to everybody sharing the show and getting other people interested. And be sure to check out all the other shows on Max Fun. At this point, you know all of them because I assume all of you are listening, but go to maxfunfund.org and check it out. And while you're there, get the information on boatparty.biz. Jesus. Fucking Max Fun cruise. Drink it in. It's bananas. This cruise. It's going to be crazy. The Atlantic Ocean

Comedy and Music Festival. Get there. I'm thinking about going because I just got over poopy bite. So I can't get it. I can't get the norovirus again. And the good thing is, since Mark McGrath canceled his cruise, they've just added gin blossoms and spin doctors to the Max Fun cruise. So it should be pretty fun. Did Mark McGrath cancel his cruise because he knew that people being on a boat and listening to Sugar Ray was like a diarrhea cocktail? He actually said, his direct quote was, the poop cruise did us no favors. Which is great because I bet the poop cruise would be like the Sugar Ray cruise did nothing for us. So anyway, thanks. Griffin, you got a special thanks to John Roger Greight. That's usually what

you say now. Yeah. You usually say something about thanks to the Long Winters for letting us use their song as the departure from putting the days to bed. Yeah. Go ahead. Do it. But you just did all of it. Was that the bit? Oh. So thank you for listening to our show. Make sure to join us again next Monday. Oh, if you want to have a shout out on the show, if it's like somebody's birthday, or if you just want to say congratulations to someone, or if you have a small business, or I guess a big business, I mean, we're not going to discriminate, and you want to have us do a shout out for you in the money zone, just go to maximumfun.org forward slash jumbotron. Get there. Griffin, take us out. I

am ready. This final Yahoo! answer was sent by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo! answers user Catherine, who asks, opinions on the name Pretzel for a girl. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. Pretzel. This has been my brother, my brother, me, because your dad square on the lips. maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported