My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 143: Daniel Day Nutchuckles

Episode Date: March 11, 2013

It may be Daylight Savings Time, but we wouldn't recommend skipping this particular hour of comedy. Also, we are very tired, and are going back to bed. Enjoy the show. Suggested talking points: How Was the Dick For You?, A Falcon Attack at Your Wedding, America's Serious Home Videos, Daniel Day Nutchuckles, Get out of here Columbo, A Penis Pump that Plays Chris Gaines, You're the man now dog, Dude, you're getting Adele tickets.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Welcome, my brother, my brother, and me, and advice show for the modern era, and we on that time creep. If by we on that time creep, you mean that this episode is going to be hurried and rushed because I overslept by exactly one Gregorian hour, then yeah, that's an accurate

thing to say. I actually sprung forward two days, and I had to run back to catch this episode. I also don't understand how time works, or introductions, either of you. So that's a great, I actually introduced myself, but I did it in the hour that we lost, so no one will ever hear it. I wish that that's how it worked. I wish that literally it was just an hour of time edited out of the universe. It was for me last night trying to go to bed, and it's like, ah too, that seems, oops, three, nope, bad. Did it bad. You know, any crimes you commit in the witching hour, which is what it's called, you get away with, but then it comes back to haunt you, and they're a verse witching hour, which you have to live over twice.

So, just keep that in mind. Can we just stop it? It's really fucking silly. Because it's completely made up bullshit, is that what it means? It really rams home the fact that time itself and our measurement of it is absolute horseshit. Not just time, right? All measurements. All measurements are made up. Money fucking, it's a, it's a, you know, man, the man, right? Like business and politics, and like, well, all streets not looking out for me, and my bank, no thank you, my bank, I don't want it. You know what I'm talking about? Like savings and loans. Yeah, right, exactly. The government man is taking your time away, and he eats it. Do you know where that, is Obama's fault? Is Obama hoarding my time? Do you know where that hour

you lose goes? Yeah, it goes straight to the 1%, and they go out on a yacht, and they spend all the poor people time. That's like that Justin Timberlake movie, where they had the time in their arm, and when it runs out they die. Where they keep looking at their watches. Uh-huh, and Justin Timberlake is like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna instill a change in this unfair world, and he does it, with the power of his song and dance. No, you haven't seen it, have you? I did not see the film. Did not thought. It's called Time to Sing and Dance. Man, his new album's not very good. Welcome to our pop music review cast. Welcome to our music show. Did you guys introduce,

did you like say your names? I'm fuck, if you... I am still Travis. Know me by now. I am now, and will always be Travis. This is an advice show, so let's... I'm Griffin. Let's do that. We're brothers. I'm in college, and recently had my first one-night stand. We were both pretty drunk and pretty... Stop it, stop it, you creepo. Dear Pan-House, I never thought it would happen to me. I had sex with a girl. We were both... It was great. Pretty drunk, and it was pretty clean. Stop it.

What is this yo-yo creepy voice? Stop doing it. One night only thing we parted without exchanging numbers, or even at each other on Facebook. Problem is, I'm going to a party in the next few weeks, and I know the girl will be there. I really want to go because it's a good friend's party, and I don't want to miss it, just to avoid her, but I really don't want to act when I see her. Do I just act like nothing happened? Do I acknowledge it in some way? How do I stop it from being awkward, and that's from awkward and Adelaide. Awkward and Adelaide, imagine my surprise to find that casual sex among acquaintances can

cause complications. What do you know? Who could have seen this coming? Did you not see the two films that were literally identical, shot-for-shot, that came out in the same week, Friends with Benefits, and then the other one that was Friends with Benefits? Acquaintances with bonuses. Friends with dental? I think is what it is. Yeah, this sucks. Also, why do you think we would know? Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know either to get a magazine. Okay, I think that if you are cool, it is safe to assume that this person is also cool. There's no reason to attach, or I think maybe you can project some sort of emotional connection

that this person had or didn't have. I don't think you need to assume. They wrote into an internet advice podcast, though, to add, this is how concerned they are, when the cool ship sailed and then was boarded by pirates and burned into the ocean. No, I'm not saying that this person is aboard the SS Cool. I'm saying that if they are, they're worrying about it. If they're worrying about it, they're assuming that the other person is more emotionally invested than they are. Considering that they've made no effort to contact you, maybe the dick wasn't that good for them. Maybe Justin. So, I guess what Justin's point is, is that you're really bad at sex. Maybe the word present

concern is that you have not had any repeat business to the dick store, maybe, is the thing that you should worry about. There's this guy who did not give it to me right, and then I'm going to see him at a party. Do I tell him? No, you don't. Please don't tell that man. You tell everyone else. Tell everyone else and warn them that he's not going to give you the big right. This seems, I think that we foster a kind of a rapport with our community, which usually, typically, it does not involve us making fun of their dicks. Okay, fair enough. Your balls are weird. Why don't you go to streamershanks.com and get a bigger dick to put on your dick. Just put it on top of it. It's like a dick suit for your dick.

Like Dick Keighton. Dick Keighton was the greatest college football coach this country has ever seen, and I will take that to my grave. Dick Keighton, I love you. You're like a second father to me. Go blue and orange. You definitely don't want to act like it didn't happen. That seems awfully cruel to give her the, oh, do I know you? That's bad. That's what Dick Keighton would call shunted in the punt. The problem with your unsatisfying love-making is that you did not shunt it in the punt. That's what she was waiting for. That's like her favorite thing. It's 2013, man. Everybody's shunting it in the punt. You just assumed that there should be some punt shunting, one with hope, right? Between friends? Such an innocuous phrase until viewed through the lens

of coitus. I think that you should not worry about it. You've got to be confident, cool and confident. This person's given you no reason. If they were calling and there was some relationship that it ended here, I could see it, but you had casual one-night stand sex and no one wanted to reach out afterwards, or maybe she was waiting for you two and she was heartbroken that he didn't. There's really no way of knowing until you just go to the party and find out. Maybe ask her if the dick was good. Give her a comment card to fill out. I wanted to let you get back to the party, but if you could just take this brief survey, let me get my clipboard. Give it on a scale of 1 to 10 because 1 to 5 leaves so little room for specificity because there's such a big

difference between a 7 and an 8, but if it's a 5 scale, I'm just saying that on your sex comment cards, make it 1 to 10 people. I actually use a 100 point scale, so the conversion over to Metacritic is more equal. That is nice. You have an opportunity. You might be able to turn this into a two-night stand, and then how I met your mother. And then you're married. Now I know what you're thinking. What is he thinking? He's thinking I thought this was a casual one-night stand, but it could be a casual 1,000-night stand. Maybe you could just casually keep having sex and casually have kids together and casually grow old together. Just keep it totally casual. Casually get on each other's health insurance. Casually die side by side in the end of the

notebook. Where are you going to bury me? I don't know. I don't want to get tied down. Make a big deal out of this. I'm just dying next to you. We have two graves that happen to be adjacent. It doesn't mean anything. Listen, you're free to die next to somebody else, too. If you want, I am, too. It's free. It's open. It's easy. Breezy, beautiful. Are you using Yahoo? Yes, absolutely. How about this one? It's sent by Yahoo Ray. Are you? I'm Ray. That was good. You were in good form today. Thanks. It's by Yahoo. It's user Rose, who asks, any ideas on how a dog should carry the rings for a simple beach wedding? My fiance and I are planning to have a simple beach wedding. We love dogs and want our dog to be the ring bearer. I'm just looking for ways she

can carry the rings without using a pillow. I really want to put the rings in a ball or something. Has anyone heard or seen how a ball, stick, rope can be used for this purpose? Any other creative ideas? Thank you for your input. How about your dog's nipples? Oh, good question. Bad question. The worst question. The anti-question is what it is. Have your dog eat the rings and then shit them out in front of you. Hold on, everybody. Oh, my. Just like, once you get it. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. If you look at her, she won't do it. I'm giving you a weak preview of Hangover 3. Just hit everybody in the lap. This is total nonsense. We love dogs. We love dogs and we love farcical sitcom scenario.

There's just so many fucking variables. You spent so much time, because I know, because I'm deep in the shit, of planning this special day, so much time and money, and then you're going to leave one of the more important aspects of the ceremony completely to chance to your stupid ass dog. This is like, Theresa and I have had a couple different conversations about this. We've opted out of Flower Girl. We've opted out of Ring Bearer for this very reason. When have you ever been to a wedding and seen either a dog or a child just seem super excited to be participating? Or when have you ever left a wedding where a child or Christ forbid a dog carries the rings down the aisle, and after the wedding,

you were like, man, that thing went off without a hitch. That was a ship. That train was running right on time. They were definitely not crying or peeing on anything. They got those rings down to their intended target in a quick, efficient, and honestly professional manner. And their mother definitely didn't have to carry them down the aisle and make it seem just like child torture. Yeah. When have they even made it to the end of their job? Even if they had done really shitty, I've never, not never seen a child make it all the way down the aisle. They always have to like fucking lie down. Taking nap right there. And then you got to wait for half an hour until they're done with their nap while everyone sees it really quiet. It's not your wedding anymore.

It's Stevie. It's Stevie's wedding. It's Stevie's nap. And then Stevie has to get married to the dog. That's the ring bear. Yeah. You're having your wedding on the beach. That in and of itself is already a high risk. High seagull. Yeah. That's it. That's it. A human being, it can close, they can retract their fingers over the rings when a seagull comes up hunting. A dog has no recourse. No. A dog will just, a dog will just sit there. No, that would be an epic battle. Yeah. Ring bear or dog versus flock of seagulls. This is the biggest problem with dogs, is that we've dulled their instincts against seagulls of protecting rings. So you're saying you need to get a wolf to be your ring bear. When dog wolves, when wolves came over on the boat from

Egypt, they were originally bred to defend rings from avians, more pterodactyls in those days, that was the original use of dogs and we have just beaten that out of them with years of potty training and beatings. So I think what you got to do is you got to double up, you get a dog, ring bearer, and then you get a falcon security guard for the dog. Okay. And maybe the falcon can ride on the dog. Maybe you want to be, it's going to be hard to get that ring over that falconers glove. I guess if you use it in your offhand. The priest has to do the falcon. Okay. Well, but then again, you're trying to get people out, you know, you're trying to get people out of the ceremony to the party as quick as you can. Well, see, then the falcon sets in on crowd control

and you say falcon, if anyone hesitates, go for the eyeballs. If anyone gets up to, this is taking too long. Okay. Well, you can get a falcon attack somewhere into your wedding. No, everyone would have to stop weddings. We'd have to be like, well, and that was how weddings ended the end, because it would be the no one would ever be able to top a falcon attack at your wedding. Plus pay for the honeymoon with that America's funniest home video dough. Thanks Tom Bergeron. I don't think Tom Bergeron would endorse a video where a falcon attacked an old woman in the face. I don't think that's chuckle worthy. And now America's serious home videos. Everyone bow your head for a moment. Oh, I would watch that show. I would watch that too. I would have to say that

man sits quietly in the corner was the most serious video tonight. $10,000. You guys have not watched much AFV lately. This show is so desperate for anyone, anyone to shoot video of anything. When this show debuted, everyone's dad had a video camera the size of like a stationary bicycle slung over their shoulder. Everyone was filming everything. Now it do you know how hard it is to do that show and just avoid thinking about YouTube for 30 minutes like to try to forget that which leads to awkward situations and Tom's like, Hey, everybody, have you seen this Star Wars kid? You're gonna love that. You're gonna love the cut of this little kid's gym. He's got a little pole. He's like, it's Jedi. It's $10,000 Star Wars kids. I'm 30. I am a lawyer. Thank you. I will

use this for my startup. It's called YouTube to to tube. It's the next one. If you don't have a ring bear, how do you get? How do you do the rings? I guess just the best man and the best woman, like just have them. If I understand correctly, the ring bearers have not been actually carrying the rings for a long time. I think that they've got dummies. Yeah, they got a dummy pillow, because it's usually like a little kid that you wouldn't trust with thousands of dollars. Anything. Really. But why? This is a little kid that draws on the wall. You're gonna give him the only thing that makes you married? Yeah. Well, yeah. No, you're right. That is the only. Right? That's it. They're like power rings. It's like the ring. It's it is like the one ring. If

it falls off, you're not married. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Although to be fair, if a baby ring bearer did take my rings and throw them into Mordor, like I think that I would have to honor that. Oh, yeah. I'd have to say, okay, baby. Well, that's definitely there. That's a good one. If the baby puts the ring on, you're married to the baby. Yeah, it's a tricky situation. It is. Then the fuzz can get you. You can argue in trapment, but if that baby put that ring on of his own free will, you don't have a fucking life. Listen, it's the same if the dog puts the ring on. I mean, you're dealing with a powder keg one way or the other. Well, unless you're in, there are several states for that would be, that would be fine. If a baby puts the one ring on, you're not finding

that bastard ever again. He's gone. If you see a baby put the one ring on, you better open every bag of flour you can find and just start throwing it in the air in the off chance that some of the flakes will land on his curls. So you can maybe see some sort of silhouette. Because if not, you will never find that baby again. Babies don't want to be caught. Baby's invisible now. He's happy. He's out there. He's living life. Precious. So I'm right now, I'm writing the script to Hollow Man three. It's sort of like Hollow Man, you know, Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon. But what if you say to Kevin Bacon, we put some baby's day out heat in there. Okay. That's all. So that's all I've got. So that's the start of the goof.

I've only got the one paragraph. You've got a great elevator pitch. Now, you just need to flush it out. Yeah, I've seen, I've seen more scripts picked up on spec for less than that. So the good news is, I think the son of the mask, the son of the mask was just like four words. It was just like mask, but with kids following the adventures of an invisible baby would be a cost effective movie, I think. Well, you guys can't see this, but boy, how do it is? It is hilarious. This is a precarious situation. All you see is the cookie jar just fell over. But what you didn't see was the hour of antics leading up to it. If you can get a baby to wrap itself in bandages and put on sunglasses like in memoirs of an invisible man, you might have a box

off a smash. Or if you have an invisible baby walk into a lady's bathroom and watch her take a shower like in hollow man, then you're an evil person. We've just, in this movie that I also asked the cast director, I got to get Daniel Day Lewis as the invisible baby. I think that you guys are trying to write a comedy and I'm writing like the worst horror movie ever. Yeah, because all my favorite comedies star Daniel Day Lewis. My left foot. My left giant foot. My left can't stop laughing too. I didn't know how he would do playing Mo, Larry and Curly, but once they got all the computer effects in there, you really could not tell that it was just him. And I loved him in there, Will Be Blood and Feces. Yeah, because no, that is more serious. You moved away

from comedy. You moved. I'm laughing. He was in Last of the Lol Heakens. Is that appropriate? Is that a thing we can do? I think that the sequel, the sequel to There Will Be Blood would just be called Milkshakes. It's just him and he's been acquitted for the murder that takes place at the end of There Will Be Blood. He's been acquitted and he opens up his own milkshake stand and gets in all kinds. But then a rival milkshake stand opens across the street and they have to have a dance off. And then he burns it the fuck down and kills the guy's kid. Two stars. Two stars. Would not watch again. Um, let's do another question here. When I met my girlfriend a few years back,

I inherited a load of her friends, most of whom are cool. There are two in particular who we've especially, sorry, sorry, who we're especially close to. We see them regularly and they are awesome people to hang out with. The trouble is that they both insist on calling me by my surname all the time, which really pisses me off. I don't think my surname is particularly odd. So it's not like it's embarrassing to be called in public, but it's still not how I like to be addressed. Even when they even write it on birthday cards, which is really bizarre. I've never introduced myself by just my surname and no one else insists on calling me by it. So I don't know where this comes from. Am I wrong for getting so annoyed at this?

How do I tell them to stop it without coming across like a massive dick and upsetting two of my best friends? And that's from Miss Nomer in Manchester. I don't get it. It's, to me, I think calling somebody by their surname is like the ultimate endearment ever. Right? You know, in college, I'm, I would say like half of our friends were just called by their surnames. Yeah. Like I had so many friends that were just, I knew them as that, like I was known as McRoy. It was really weird when I'd come home from school and people would call me Travis. It really kind of threw me off for four years. I don't see anything wrong with it, you know, but he doesn't like it. Well, it's irrelevant. He doesn't dig on it.

But it sounds like a personal problem. Cause once you have a name, you know, once you become, once you become like, ah, it's not chuckles, then like you're not chuckles and there's nothing you can do to reverse that. I don't know why you'd be called. Are you saying his last name is not chuckles? No, I'm saying like that's a nickname, but like regardless, if your name is, if your name is Carl and people call you Carl, you can't be like, guys, I'd actually prefer to be called by my surname, which is not chuckles. Well, I'm fucking confusing the whole thing. Once you, once you introduce the idea, I think that once you say like, I don't like that name. I like this other name. You've either a, like absolutely sub, if it was me, you would have

absolutely submitted that from now until the end of time, that is what you will be referred to. Or two, it's going to be this weird thing where they're caught, you know, they'll call you not chuckles and then, oh, I'm, I'm sorry, Daniel. Right. It's going to be awkward. Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis, not chuckles. Here's the thing. The time to bring this up was a million times ago when they first said it. Yeah. Yeah, because now it's like, why, I've been doing this for years. Right? I've been calling you not chuckles for years and now I'm just a dick. And you've got to, you've got to just one day out of nowhere, just snap. Stop it! Stop it! No! Just stop! Start the sentence with, for the last time. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And you're like, I have told you guys a million times. You haven't, you haven't told us any, any times. It is David. It has always been David. It will always be David. I would say that if they're not doing it maliciously, if there's nothing, like if you didn't ask them not to and they keep doing it in any way getting upset about it or saying something, it's just going to make them feel awful. It's going to make them feel bad. It's not going to be worth it. Just suck it up. You can get used to anything. Trust me, whether it's being called not chuckles or the butt or anything, you can get used to anything. Those are your two examples? Not chuckles or the butts? I don't think. Are you saying you can get used to being called the butt or were you saying something

far more? No, you can just get used to the butt. You get used to the butt. Take it from me, ladies and so and client gentlemen, get used to the butt. And some, and some dogs. And some dogs. And some dogs. And chairs. Do you guys want to go to the money zone? Yeah. Travis, you got this message here. Who's it for? It's from my dear friend, Andrew Mead. I didn't know you two were so close. Oh, super tight. Who's the message from though? That's the real question. It's from some juggers, Michael Pertil and Tyron Bicknell. I don't know who they are, but they claim to know my dear friend, Andrew Mead. Sound like they on some

Game of Thrones shit with those names. I like that. Yeah, which are you House Bicknell or House Pertil? Dear and Dazzle. I'm assuming that's their nickname for Andrew. I don't call him that. Happy birthday. Good luck in the new year. May your lightsaber always ignite to full strength so you can open her blast doors. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Tyron Mike. Is the lightsaber his dick? Good one, Travis. I think you really piece that one together. Good job, Colombo. Thank you. One more thing. Is the lightsaber your dick? Yeah. Ma'am, if I may. If I may, ma'am. One more thing, man. One more thing. What, the blast was her vagina? In the episode. Get that man out of here. That's the shortest best possible. No, I'm sorry. I just want to

let's talk more about her vagina. Get out of here, Colombo. Jesus. My mother is dying over it. No, I just want to know. What was it about the lightsaber dick again? I wear a trench coat. What did you expect? I'm so close. Look at this eye. I have both moral and physiological reservations about this happy birthday message because it's never been my experience. I don't want to get too blue, but he's saying that you're boner. I hope that, first of all, this is a public radio kind of thing, so there's a lot of people listening. You just hope that your friend can get his dick hardened enough to get inside of a vagina. And you made it worse. I think the greatest it is, you made us complicit in that. That's what I think really stings here. You made us

complicit in wishing your friend dick gone hard. This is a breach of trust. It is a breach of trust. Yes, Travis, that's correct. Speaking of getting your dick hard to get inside of a vagina, that was, by the way, possibly the most fluid transition, except for this thing that I'm saying right now, that was the most fluid transition you've ever had. Until we acknowledged it, it was pretty sweet. You can head over to extremestreams.com and get yourself a penis pump kit. You can put it on your wiener and then it goes suck, suck, suck, suck, and it gets you some penis gains and some Chris gains and some performance. The penis pump, you can program it to play Chris Gaines to scare your boner away forever.

You'll get that, you'll sit there so confused about what it is. Why does he have a sole patch? Why does he have a sole patch? This motherfucker looks exactly like Garth Brooks. Oh, my dick's gone. My dick ran away. Bye dick. See you dick. They have so many, so many pleasure tools for you. We need to decide on a new coupon code. I know, what's the new coupon code? Our last coupon code, by the way guys, we love you. Don't fucking leak this shit because we leaked somebody leaked mid-list to coupon sites and now we gotta start over with a new coupon code and we're gonna forget and keep saying mid-list and everyone's gonna be sad.

And listen, leaking is a serious issue, so let me recommend a butt plug. Sydney said that I couldn't use pontifex. Yeah, well, she's a good Catholic, so it doesn't make any sense. Just pick a word now, Justin. Look around the room. Pick a word that has nothing to do with the show. Jumbo condoms. I'm just looking around the room. Man in the corner. My good friend Dana Carvey. Did you guys know I'm good friends with Dana Carvey? It's not a big deal. I don't like talking about it, but I am really good friends with Dana Carvey.

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It's an adult super store. Get there. Use the coupon code Sexy Garfield and save yourself 20%. Let's move on. Hey everybody, my name is Dave Shumka. And I'm Graham Clark. And we are the hosts of a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself right here on the MaximumFun.org Network.

We're the first ever Canadian podcast to win a Canadian Comedy Award for best podcast. I think we went with that too early. I think we seem braggy. It's a weekly comedy show, a very easy going chat between Dave, myself, guests. And we'll talk about things that we've overheard during the week and also Hulk Hogan. Stop podcasting yourself. Head over to MaximumFun.org to download an episode today. All right, you guys want a yahoo?

Yeah, I do. See how who was standing by John Davis? No, it wasn't. It was. Big fan of the show. Big fan of the show. Please don't use Sexy Garfield. I can't believe that just happened.

Is John Davis the Garfield guy? Yeah, of course he is. Jim Davis. Jim Davis. Yeah, that's what that is. Well, his friends call him John. Okay. It's by Yahoo!

Who answers user Lord Donald Farnsworth who asks, What do you dislike most about people who don't own horses? I am also including people who lease horses. For me, it is that they are always trying to get into the horse scene when they clearly don't belong there. These horse posers. I think what I really love about this question is the pretension. Yeah. Yeah, to say, if you lease a horse, your bond with that particular equestrian is not as strong as somebody who wholesale owns that motherfucker.

And that's my biggest problem is you don't understand horse love. I also didn't know you could lease living beings. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Man, I got a sweet down payment on a cat. A couple more months. I'm going to own that baby. A few more payments.

Yeah, I just hope the repo man doesn't come to. You know what I'm saying? Man, you don't make the payments on your cat. I got to take your cat. I was going to make it. I was so glad. I'm sorry. Mr. Richards is coming with us.

Unless you can answer these three trivia questions. I'm sorry. What repo reality shows are you watching? Have you not seen repo, repo quiz? What's a fucking show called? It's an actual show where they're like, we're going to take your car unless you can answer these three questions. Is it repo games? Is that right?

No, that's the sliced aluminum movie. Guys. Okay. What do you dislike most about people who don't own horses? The smell of them, I guess. They don't smell like the leathery oil of a horse's back. I'm just saying that they don't look like they've been riding a horse all day. I think they do.

I hate that. If you're going to buy a horse, you need to can, you know what I hate? I hate those short boots that people who don't own horses wear. Get some long boots, you know? With spurs. Yeah. I wish they had. I hate how they never yell like, yeah.

Or kitchens. Or a sepid up. Zip it up. A horsey. Let's do this horse friend. Can we not kickstart a horse? Guys. Are you saying that?

Guys. No. Guys, are you talking about revving up the engine? We got to get out of here. And that's just out of an idling. John Bon Jovi, I'm not making a shitty metaphor between a horse and a motorcycle. What I'm saying to you is- Wait, he wasn't riding an actual steel horse?

Oh my god. That would make it the fucking best song. On my cybernetic horse. I ride the wastelands of my Katana. With my vibrosword and my emerald visor. I smoke a pack of nanostems. Oh my god. Oh god, John.

Somebody write that movie. I seen a million faces and I processed them for fuel for my metal horse. I'm a cowboy. I sell water at a great profit. Draland is not a myth. So, no, we've talked about kickstarting a European tour before. We've talked about kickstarting a trip to London and Scotland and all that stuff. And I don't know if enough people would want a kickstart for that to happen.

But I do know that if we made a kickstarter to buy a horse that would be owned by us, the Mbemba nation, I think people would really get on board with this. Hold on, hold on, hold up. So you're not just talking about a horse that you and Travis and I would share. You were talking about everybody throw down a fiver on this horse. And then based on the different reward tiers, you would get a minute or two on our collective horse. Well, no, no, no, no. So the world would own this horse.

So it would belong to all of us. But really us. So specifically us. Like any kickstarter, it would give people the feeling of being invested without actually the chance of any sort of return on that investment. But if you pay in at the highest level, you get the choices cuts of meat. Once the horse is dead, you will, of course, get like a $20 donation or maybe you get ahoove. And there is there is no sweeter meat than the meat of a horse that we have been aging

beneath us for decades. I just think that I would really love it if we owned a horse and then just had like a series of photos of like the horse listening to our podcast. The horse chilling out on a beanbag chair, but never like ridden. The horse inevitably and quickly dying because what the fuck do we know? Because we fed it like, you know, red stripe. Yeah. And you're like, you're like, you see cops?

Ah, fuck. We need a second kickstarter. I gave him a bunch of red vines and now he's dead. Launch the sequel to our first kickstarter. And it's called Oops, we did it again. Oops, who gave our horse diabetes. And I diabetes horse 2013. I want to buy what's his name.

Who would give more red vines? I bet you love him. I bet he would like him. And then I bet he would diary. Diarrhea is so hard. I wrap this carrot in red vines and bacon. You are welcome. In charge of culinary treat.

Justin, you were saying how hard, how hard with this horse diarrhea? You, I feel like you were, you know, there was more to that thought. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt the quantification of how hard the horse with diarrhea. I think we would not be popular amongst other horse owners. I feel like we would not fit into whatever sort of socioeconomic circle that is. We would be like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. Yes, exactly.

Or we would be killed in anything. We would be the animal house in like the yacht race of the boat that we built ourselves. Diabetes horse. Your horse diarrheaed on my horse and now I lost all the contests ever. We would get in there the first day. Guys, clear something up for us. We know none of you are the actual dean, but we do have to thwart someone. So whichever one of you is closest to the dean, just let us know so we can thwart them, please.

I just assume everybody who owns a horse has been the dean of some institution in their lives. And we roll up in our big sunglasses and sweatshirts and red vines. The twist in another story is that rather than having a scrappy horse that ends up showing up all the rich guy horses, ours will actually die. Listen, man, maybe we know just a little bit more than you about horses. Also, we're going to have to back out of the big race because our horse is dead. Uh-oh. That can only mean one thing.

Us in a horse costume winning the race at the end. Oh. Who saw this coming? Wait for it. And then we have to build a cybernetic horse to win the race. On a horse made of brother-side ride. Guys, I don't want to, I don't want to, uh, you know, I don't want to break your spirit, but horses are very fast.

Then the odds of you running faster than a horse in a horse costume are, um, there's. Given what you're forgetting is we won it the most. Haven't you seen the end of Cool Runnings? It'll just, right? Oh, the movie ends with us carrying the horse on our shoulders. The finish line. You can finish Diabetes Doug. I believe in you.

That horse is dead. That horse has been dead for 30 minutes. Get up. Get up, Diabetes horse, 2013. I got red lines waiting for you. The revenge of the nerds guys who run in and start plugging electrodes into him, like, don't worry, we'll fix him with science. You won't.

You won't. He can't. How about another question? How'd that come to you guys? Good. I'm in my first year of teaching high school. I told my girlfriend that I had looked up some of my students on Facebook. She thought this was really creepy.

It's not like I read all their wall posts or looked through their pictures. I basically just looked at their profile picture and moved on to the next student. She agreed that it wouldn't be weird to do this if I had started a new job and looked at the profiles of my coworkers. But it still thought it was creepy to do to students. Is she right? That's from creeping in Cali. There's a question mark there to leave it open to interpretation,

whether or not the person is actually creepy. Is it open to interpretation? Because it seems like the answer is a pretty cut and dry. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty creepy. Imagine it this way. If one of your students was like in the room with you,

or Jesus was in the room, or a coworker was in the room, would you skis on the Facebook profiles of your students? I imagine you would not. Yeah. I have a hard enough time looking at Facebook profiles of people I know and not feeling weird. Yeah. It's also imagined that like when I was, I mean, I guess I was in high school like right before Facebook.

Facebook sort of came up while I was in high school, but it didn't really permeate my school. Like if my teachers had been like, hey Griffin, it seems like you had a really great time at that party. And by party, I mean youth group probably. That would weird me the fuck out. I would not dig on that. It would be weird.

Hey Griffin. I also really like Fall Out Boy. High five. All right. All right. Teach. Would have been Reliant K at that point. Griffin, I also think Jesus rocks.

High five. Griffin, I too in Lino. Let's. Reliant K deep cut for a Reliant K joke. Everybody could enjoy. Man, don't do this thing. Don't do this thing. This just stinks.

I feel like you're throwing off the balance. But then again, maybe not. Like you watch a Goodwill Hunting or you watch a stand and deliver or you watch or you watch that other one. Here comes the boom. You watch that. Here comes the boom with Kevin Smith. He's like, what the hell is Kevin James?

You dumbass. Kevin James versus Kevin Smith is the last fight. Last fight. It's just like two pieces of of, hey, I'm just swinging together. We decide to see here comes the boom. Someone was making this choice. Paul Blart, I get it.

I've got to see that. He's like, it's ridiculous. His name is so funny. It sounds like fart. Like I'm with you guys. I'm with you on that. But let's back to my point. Okay.

Back to your point. Where's Blart too? You watch these films. These teachers that know they're fucking students so much and they use that shit. Fine. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Finding Forester, right? Which is the unofficial sequel to Goodwill Hunting. Finding Forester. Sean Connery had a hard time connecting with his youth. You know what I mean? Trying to teach him how to write. Trying to express. So he learned some terms of phrase that he would use when he was playing basketball.

Like you're the man now dog and punch the keys for God's sakes. Both of which are catch phrases that they would use with his friends. You know what I mean? He connected with him. He formed an honest, earnest connection. And then he taught him how to punch the keys for God's sakes. I am so, I, do you know how close you're the man now dog was to slipping off of my mind table for like forever.

And you have just saved me from that terrible fate because that is flooding back to me now. And it is really funny that he said that. It is really great. It is quite possibly the funniest line in cinematic history. It is hard to tell. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog. You're the man now dog.

You're the man now dog. Is that what you say? Can we make another highlander before he dies? Please, please. Please, I'll give anything. Just make a dozen more things. But connect, that's a connection is what I'm saying. And Facebook can facilitate that.

You can sit down with somebody and be like, yeah, I know. Evanescence. Let's talk about your math. And then they, and then they're more receptive to your math advice. Griffin, watch like any special on lifetime or 60 minutes or true investigations, whatever, the stories that involve teachers and students that begin with, and then the two connected on Facebook, never end with like, and she got an A. That's the thing.

They can never know. And that makes it creepier. I, I confess, but they can never know that you know about their Evanescence love because you creeped on their social. It sounds like you're saying to like, lean into it. I'm saying either run the fuck away or lean into it on the sneaky creep. Regardless, you tell your girlfriend like, you're right, it is creepy. I'm going to stop.

And then you do it in secret because you got to make those finding forester connections. It's so important. Honey, you don't understand. I got to shape them. I got to shape them. These are my children. These are my babies. I guess they're like my little eggs.

I don't know why it went from like a Sean Connery impression to like a Nicholas Cage impression. Man, that movie would have been so, so, so, so much better with Nicholas Cage. Oh my God. It's not even close to how much better that movie would have been. Man, now dog. Hey, hey, man. Hey, which one of your man is a dog?

And also Tim Allen is there as the Shaggy dog. Yeah. Oh man. God, I want to write this movie. An Invisible Baby. So Tim Allen is the Shaggy dog. Yeah. John Travolta is there as old dogs.

Uh-huh. And they're all riding robot horses. DDL. DDL's in the mix or Izzy because he's an Invisible Baby. Nick Cage is there and he's a teacher who's probably cocaine adult. That's a subtext, I feel like, that runs through, runs underneath like the sewer system of every film that Nicholas Cage is in. And the movie's called Bad Lieutenant, but now he's also a teacher.

From now on, I think instead of saying Hollywood is out of ideas, people should just start saying Hollywood doesn't listen to Mbam-Bam. Because this is like we have opened wide our blast doors waiting for your lightsabers of cinematic ingenuity to tear us wide open. Oh God. Oh Jesus. That's gonna stay with me. That imagery.

It's like a spicy hot dog. And the taste of it will linger. Oh wait, what? Oh, what? Yeah. We did you just have a seizure? I was wondering if you meant like Hollywood's dick was like a spicy hot dog or like an idea, so.

Hollywood's dick is a spicy hot dog. That's a spicy meatball. You guys know that one. Oh my God. You guys know that one? Time to make the donuts. Do they want to add? We got it.

Print. That's a wrap. That's a wrap. That's a great podcast that everybody's gonna enjoy. You are getting Adele, right? Dude, you just met Adele. Dude, you got Adele tickets. Dude, you're Adele.

And I really enjoyed that song, Skyfall. The Skymall. Stop and stop it. End it. There you go, Weird Al. Got it. You are welcome. I know that you are constantly on the lookout for your ideas.

Skymall, welcome. Hollywood doesn't listen to Ben Bam. Weird Al doesn't listen to Ben Bam. That we're opening the doors for you. It's all there. Just come pick these lilies. This has been my brother and my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era.

We hope you've enjoyed whatever that was. We are here every Monday, usually. And we really appreciate people tweeting about the show, like Jan Villarosa, Emily Nancy-Jean, Mark Payne, Bat Manson, David Meowie, Shane Element, Tiggerburn. Sorry, what? Tiggerburn. I don't know.

Is it just all consonants? Yes, Owen McBride, Platt, Raymond Nunes. Oliver Platt. Oliver Platt, in my dreams. So thank you to everybody who's tweeting. If you do tweet about the show, throw in a link to our sampler. It's bit.ly forward slash it'smabembam. When is that sequel coming?

I feel like it's really brewing. It's getting close. If only it were up to us. I know. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song, which is It's a Departure, which is off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's just, you know, you ever listen to the radio

and you're like, this isn't my rock and roll. This is your rock and roll, you know what I mean? Absolutely. It's a rock and roll for equestrian fanatics, like ourselves and like you. It says that in the liner notes. Also, it is such an exciting time over at Max Fun headquarters. We just added two new shows to the Max Fun lineup,

One Bad Mother with Theresa Thorn, and the Dave Hill podcasting incident. It's it's epic. So check it out. I'm so thrilled that we are linked even tangentially to Dave Hill. I think he's hysterical. Do you guys want the final? Yeah.

Lay it off, big man. You're the man now, dog. Oh, you got you beat me to it. Yeah. Damn it. You're the elder brother. You're the man now, dog. Wait, damn it.

Make these fucking donuts, Griffin. Come on. Where is it? Come on. Where is it? It is past daylight savings time to make the dough. Griffin, where's the beef? That was so good.

Who's the beef? I have the beef now, dog. I stop. We have to pay so many licensing fees. Darling, we have to talk about this podcast you recommended to me. I did not enjoy it. It's because they talked about earning horses. I am going to come to your houses and eat your fucking computers.

I'm going to eat your fucking computers, not by bolt. Time to make the computers. This one is sent in by Ira Ray. Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers user Alice Chaos who asks, Goofus or Gallant? Who is hotter? I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School wear on the lips.