My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 144: Kick it Forward

Episode Date: March 18, 2013

Coming to you live, from exactly one day ago, it's My Brother, My Brother and Me: St. Patrick's Day Edition! Are you wearing green? Don't matter. This episode's gonna pinch your sensibilities. Suggested talking points: A Fixer for the City, Justin's Atrocious Owl Imagery, Love Act Payment, Piracy, Comin' up Facewards, Cute Meat

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everyone, welcome to my brother and my brother me. On top of the morning, do ya? He said he had some in the chamber. I did not. Wowzers. Yikes. Let me try again. Okay. Hello everyone, welcome. On top of the morning, do ya? He doesn't know any other ones. That's the only one that he knows. Okay, try one more time. One more time. Okay. Hello everybody. On top of the

morning, do ya? I think we nailed it on that. Use take. Got it in three. You want it. You want to use that. Three takes slightly racist McElroy over here. I also have something lined up about Aaron go brawless. Okay. But we can talk more about that. I'll work it in. Okay. This is an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Justin, a McElroy. There it is. And I'm your middlest brother, a Travis O. McElroy. I'm Griffin O. McElroy. I don't want to. That became Italian. I'm sorry everybody. I know the first rule of comedy is to say yes and I'm saying no, bye. No, and then goodbye to this whole enterprise. No, but I'm leaving. This is the first St. Patrick's Day. It used to be a thing for me in Huntington and then

less of a thing for me in Cincinnati and then every year that passed, it became less of a thing. This year, I'm just like, I just don't want to deal with it. You know what really killed me? It's like yesterday, everybody was out for St. Patrick's Day. By yesterday, we were recording Sundays. I mean Saturday. Like Saturday, all the bars were packed and it's like, hey, dog, it's not St. Patrick's Day. Yeah, one of these people doing it Saturday and they're out drinking. Well, no, I mean, it's not that, but where do these creeps get off? I'm just saying like two o'clock in the afternoon. Maybe that's not a good excuse. This is my brother and my brother made creep alert. Some people are in bars on Saturdays on the day before St. Patrick's Day,

which is a Sunday because where do they get off? Well, they are wearing those Jamiroquois like, you know, green and white hats with like a shamrock on them and I hate them. I want to kill them. You want to kill Jamiroquois? No, I want to kill anyone that impersonates Jamiroquois. That can be only one. How does anyone still harbor any sort of emotions whatsoever towards Jamiroquois? There is nothing you can say to Jamiroquois that he has not heard from the man who lives in his hat. There is one, there is one reference to Jamiroquois allowed and that is if you were in some kind of room with a moving floor and then you can say, oh, this is like that Jamiroquois video. You can't say Jamiroquois hat. Do you have to say cat in the hat hat? Yeah, because I think of

all the things that left a cultural mark on our culture, I think Jamiroquois maybe ranks in maybe a little bit lower than Dr. Chase. You're saying Jamiroquois. I think it's Jamiroquois. Jamiroquois is the plural. From the Latin Jamiroquoises. It's Jamirocus. Meaning to Jamiro. Yes. Oh god. Do we want to do advice or just Jamiroquois this time? Yeah, just Jamiroquois material. Listen, March 19th, these all expire, so. I've just been offered a job transplanting dead bodies to morgues and mortuaries. This means I will be cleaning up dead bodies from crime scenes, correct, hospitals, etc. The problem is, how do I tell my family members without them freaking out? How do you tell your favorite

podcast without them freaking out? Because you didn't know that because he done did it wrong. Yeah. Okay, go ahead and finish it. Hold on. How do I ease them into the idea that this is an okay thing for me to do? That's from Bring Out Your Dead and Denver. Well, you should probably start off by telling them who you're employed by and not just saying, I have a job moving dead bodies. Yeah, like how about this? Let me hit you with this. I work for the city. That is fine. And I specialize in disposal. I make dead bodies disappear. I'm a man with a particular set of skills. I just bought a pig farm. You ever see that movie Pulp Fiction? You remember that guy, the wolf? That's like me, except state sponsored. I'm the man you call when you have no other options.

I'm a fixer, you might say. I'm a fixer. I'm a fixer for the city. Here's the thing, your family has every right to be freaked out because when the zombie apocalypse happens, you are first to go. They're gonna come back for him? No, I'm saying like, have you never seen like in movies? You touched my dinkus while I was dead. I remember it. In movies, there's always that scene where the dude gets out of the ambulance or something and he's dead and then the sheet rises up and the zombie kills him. We watched the wrong movie. I watched Porky's 4 when the lead character from Porky's 3 dies. I think you mean Porky's 4 at Night of the Living Porky? When Porky dies. So I think, you know what, I have to tell you, my friend, you have absolutely

nothing to be embarrassed of. I am, we are so lucky as a society that there are weirdos like you who are strong enough to do this job. Thank God, there are freakos like you. They're weird, weird, weird dudes like you out there just doing it. Just get off on this kind of thing and love it. You love that body, you freako. Get out there, let your freak flag fly. I think you can have this job. You gotta take this job. It's fucking hard out there, you guys. Just say to your parents like, hey, in this economy, I'm employed. Doing what? Just go, huh? What? Yeah, yeah, and it's totally employed. Now, literally anybody gives you a hard time about it. Podcasts included. The only response is,

do you want to do it? Because someone is going to do this. And they're gonna fucking rake in the cash while you're working at Arby's and you'll still be moving dead bodies around, but it'll be cows, I guess. There'll be people that had a jamoka shake on the floor just dead. There's somebody who works at Arby's who's only job is to move the dead people who died from the Arby's outside. It is a full time year round. I'm a fixer for Arby's is my job. The mozzarella sticks are people. I think though that anytime you meet somebody. It's good mood food, guys. It's good mood food because you get to meet your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Who wouldn't that put into a good mood? If you meet anybody or you

go on a first date, you gotta run the screen pass on them until like they know you well enough that when you tell them that you touch dead bodies for a living, they don't just assume you're some sort of like there's some sort of Wednesday Adams scenario. Yeah, I think you could also start off just by saying like you, you know, start off saying work for the city, and then you work for a morgue, and then you work in transportation for the morgue, and then what you actually do, because if you start off with, oh, I roll up in my hubby van and load some dead bodies up in it, they're just going to picture like a whistling dude slinging bodies. I think morgue step two is I think you're jumping several guns that you can really

squeeze in there to prolong the magic. I think you could say like I work for the city and then say I work for a city in which people die. Okay, but that even that I would say like I work for the city and they say doing what and I you would say shipment and they would say of what and you would say materials and they would say what kind of materials and you would say organic materials formerly organic. They would say animals and you say nope keep guessing and they say this is the worst game and date I've ever been on by the desserts there. Scott free. Just hope she loves if you want to find out the answer and see you for round two or it or maybe you get in a car wreck on the way home and then I will see you also there also. I think there's a great opportunity

here if if you are actually okay with this job and god bless you for for being so I think it would be really fun to just pretend all the time that you're horrified because it's completely can you imagine the dude like go ahead and call the body truck and you you say oh my god oh god oh god it's never been like this before this is my first day this is somebody's ping-pong you would think they would train me or something it looks like my nana why did I have to drive my own car drive a Toyota Corolla I don't have any room for this car I have a two door I don't someone cut off his legs does anyone have a leg axe I need to put him in the trunk of a boot if you're in Canada I guess I think you have there are so many options there's so

many directions you could take that character oh man you could be like weird philosophical guy like oh so young so short like he's 90 he's 90 he died fucking he's 90 years old I know so beautiful what a beautiful body I've seen a lot of cadavers but your people cadavers like fucking beautiful oh it's a beautiful form beautiful life you could be the guy that shows up and suddenly hints at the fact that maybe someone should stake him you should definitely stake the body gosh uh anybody got any chopsticks or anything a little final cleanup if you know what I mean it's my garlic it's my garlic you could also just pick what up and go and just announce loudly I'm recreating we get a bernie's too tonight get it it's a bernie I'm going bernie I'm doing bernies

guys or you could help out the detectives without them asking like oh it looks like it looks like poison to me poison again like he is on the side of the road and his car is cut in half on a tree literally 200 feet away yep natural causes naturally he was poisoned well man I'm so glad that people do this right and there aren't just dead bodies everywhere it's everywhere I think that's how probably America rolled for like 50 years and then eventually like you know what guys I've been thinking we should clean this up you know how we've been talking about job creation in this tough economy I got a great idea let's move these fucking bodies are everywhere you know we'll be like the boldest move like the body movers would on strike I guarantee you can have

whatever you whatever oh my god you are just like hey mayor if you don't pay us an extra $5,000 a week we're out yes yes yes whatever please don't make us touch dead people please we can't do this again with you we can't touch dead people please imagine going to that union meeting I would I would not be able to the meeting of the party movers my name is Morpheus my name is also Morpheus wait are we all Morpheus dammit guys I said we can have 10 Morpheus's tops listen I know it's inconvenient with the pipe organ being out of service I brought an mp3 player and some speakers Morpheus please set it up Morpheus six no Morpheus six Morpheus six he's good with technology he was the first one of us to have e-mail you can read me at deadguidecarrier at hotmail.com

my address is deadguidecarrier13 because 12 of you guys in the union my last request is please refer to everybody as this fat piece of shit oh let me get this fat piece of shit the truck this is six or eight girl six year old girl that's awful interesting litmus test between griffin and I for me she was an eight year old girl griffin's a little darker today with six year old girl well that's just me you guys want a yahoo yes yeah this yahoo is sent in by who else ira ray are you ira ray who wants to know I never know when you're setting up for the assist or if you're just putting in dramatic pause the number one thing people tweet about our show these days is not understanding the reference

which is really right jimmy ray guys just google jimmy ray that's it jimmy ray google it it's asked by yahoo answers user white and nerdy who asks how can I overcome my strange sexual attraction to my high school mascot uh my high school mascot is mustang as in a horse and I can't stop feeling sexually attracted to the person in the costume at all the games it's beyond embarrassing since I'm one of the cheerleaders but there's some ways to get over this strange attraction I'd love to hear from others who have had this same problem and what they've done to get over it thanks everyone okay so let me tell you what I did you gotta you gotta just get it out of your get on that get to the time enough previews time for the main in the attraction just lock yourself

and this poor poor person inside of this mascot costume in a hotel room for a weekend and just work it out and run out of fluid there there are so many I just love till you're dehydrated I need so much more detail because it like it could be maybe this person has a horse thing maybe this person has a furry thing maybe this person just thinks the person inside the costume is sexy maybe they just have an objective sexual attraction towards disguises the one that really threw me off as the statement of I am attracted to the person in the when they are in the costume right maybe they just have an overabundance of school spirit that manifests as a chub yes okay like a spirit chub hey go mustangs we're just so proud of oh fuck oh we've got bonus yes we do we've

got bonus how about you wait is the person asking this question a guy or girl does it matter I think it's a girl based on the avatar which is a cartoon girl so probably and I take it back and she's blue she works into the tree it's hard to think about these things it's hard for it do you mean for you for me it's difficult for me as a person it's hard knowing these things we know about people let's go down the lit okay here are I can really you know when I don't have anything to to say like any any advice to guys try and go back to my own experience so let's see they're in elementary school there were the Miller owls which I guess is kind of a sexy animal so sexy they're big wet eyes they have big

and a wingspan that can really wrap around you um hey if you guys saw an owl that had one of its eyes gouged out would you fuck the socket now wait hold on you get eight dollars oh wait wait wait as a reward or just that's what happens when you fucking owls eye he can also two other things two other facts he can talk and he wants it okay well if those are then yes all day every day is anyone watching where is this taking place in the privacy of my own home it's like the owl come to find me taking place in that sitting out from the hunger games oh does everyone else want it too yeah they all want eight dollars so they can buy a healing paste you need a healing balm okay wait okay if you have a laceration on

your penis and inside every owl's eye socket as we know is a healing balm yes you're in the hunger game you're in the hunger games your penis has been lacerated by someone from district 11 with their fish bones what have you and the owl is like listen I only have one eye the other sockets all balm uh-huh also let me sweeten the pot eight dollars also I'm totally down I am down with this also I should have you know it will be consensual because man oh man I am hard up over here I love those district 12 boys I don't know what it is maybe it's the way you smell like coal are about nourished I'm I'm a big fan of this right now and I man sometimes Sydney listens to the show and sometimes I'm like in the place where I can see her facial expressions just gonna be a

good I may have to go on vacation private vacation this is a j-man I don't think I ever had a mascot that I found even remotely sexy I had an owl I had a blue streak whatever the fuck that is I had a highlander and I had a herd of bison a herd of bison which I guess if there was one of them yeah I guess maybe one sexier than the other yeah you know you gotta pick off the sexiest that's how it works um I think what's really gotta be the worst moment is when you are like in middle school and stuff and you you're walking around with your friends and one of them like says like man I mean this may sound weird but like mrs smith is like the hottest teacher and they're like uh you know what I agree and then it's like yeah did you check out jimmy's mom yeah yeah she's really

hot and then the other one's like and I really kind of want to fuck the mascot yeah did you see chompers out on that last game chompers the bite and horse oh man and that's the moment where you get to realize that you're weird or like you can pinpoint and I don't mean that as I don't mean that judgmentally from my point of view I mean like up until that moment who the who are we who are we to say what's right and wrong you know right but that's so easy for us to point to point fingers but that's what you're doing I think you're doing exactly that I'm saying the people that judge this person were wrong so you're saying this was a learning this is a lesson for the people who were like I want to fuck my teacher and they were the other guys like I want to

fuck the mascot because it's a beautiful horse and they were like oh you just made me think about things uh huh I you know what maybe maybe I can see things from your point of view chompers is a beautiful beautiful mascot sinewy uh huh so so sinewy and look at her emotion it's like a poem I but that's let's not let's not discount the fact let's not fucking discount the fact that this horse mascot might be doing some of the sexiest moves we've ever fucking seen before he may be out there like like okay have you ever seen those youtube videos of that guy that dresses up in like the skin tight horse outfits and then goes to like public park and just like they're all I watch just gets it you know what I'm talking about though right no bullshit

this fucking guy but imagine that moves like usher like how are you not supposed to get lubed up over that that's that fucking would get anyone's noodle going like yeah I'm completely with you on this front griffin um I do not think that there is a principal alive who would allow oh what do you want a skin tight rubber horse outfit and you want to fake jerk off I don't know but okay if it'll help win games if it'll put butts in the seats butts in seats man 21 jump street too is really messed up yeah hey here's another question I recently broke up with my long term long distance girlfriend doesn't seem to be any lingering feelings between us which is good however for the extent of our relationship she was better employed than I was and bankrolled many

of our visits I recently became gainfully employed and now I feel I should repay her for months of being a broke bum somehow is there a tactful mature way to do this without sending the wrong signals that's from newly employed in New York I mean honest answer yeah just like do it well I mean say like hey Susan um I you know got this new job and I'm feeling like maybe I should pay you back for all the times that you covered my my ticket to come visit and here's the thing well she's gonna say no this is a secret b-side track don't do what Travis is saying this is what Travis no why is that not the right thing to do because Travis you you don't do reparations for an ex you don't do it you don't do it it doesn't work she would rather just not she I would pay

however much money this person is thinking about giving me to not have to enter into this scenario this conversation you could be spared this conversation if you I mean they didn't the they didn't pay for you guys to visit each other with any expectation of a return on that investment okay so okay there's the twist if in the original discussion okay she said something like and she was like I want you to come visit me and you said I can't really afford that right now maybe we can set something up soon and she said don't worry I'll cover it and you can pay me back then I think that door is open okay if it was alone if it was clearly clearly put forth as alone I think that that's one thing but like nobody wants to I mean this is just the cost of doing

business like this is a cost of being in a relationship no one gets their money back now I would I would love that if it was when you break up you're like okay so I did keep track of how often I pay for dinner and you pay for dinner and it does work out so you owe me like 15 bucks there's a slight imbalance out of the ado I do need $15 for me I just need to get it to zero you know it's a fiscal thing it's my account is on my board wants to forget about you forget about that shit and the first time you go to secure a home loan they're like ooh it looks like you still owe your ex-girlfriend from high school $15 so your credit is just in the pooper because with with the juice that's now up to $15,000 sorry Griffin what was that uh the juice okay so I think step

one is fire your anti-semitic account no not the juice the juice okay because of the juice you owe your girlfriend $15,000 there is no God's chosen people must be there is no lower form of comedy than hey that sounds like juice that there isn't there isn't it's that falls my here's my B side to the point you're making okay it isn't it okay um hey I like I really I you know I think I'm ready to forgive Tom Cruise did you say Tom juice that's my impression of you all day okay that was a good impression I think you got me on that one um I thank you for not making me sound as nasal as I am I appreciate you adding some baritone um I I I I I there's this is not a conversation any here's a good metric for if you should do something talk to everyone you know

and see if anyone has ever heard of the thing you're talking about because if not it is safe to assume that society as a whole has tried it out and there were some uh uh unforeseen consequences you just have to trust that people have thought of this before and it didn't work out if you can't find anyone who has been in a similar scenario the other thing is I'm of the opinion that once you break up with somebody the only sane thing to do is to put them in a mind rocket and shoot them into the sun like as far as you're concerned no I'm as far as you're concerned who visited where paid for what what is money what what is the money who am I how do I get here why is there blood everywhere John G raped and murdered my wife what are you saying

call the fixer call the fixer I got a body here I don't no like don't do that there was no if she was asking you about it I think that would be one thing but like I think that could you run a genuine risk of that coming off is very hurtful I mean when you were together yeah it was worth that money to spend time with you and like I don't think the relationship ending should should or would negate that I mean you guys had invested in a thing together that's one thing but this is just time to go a bit deeper with our diagnosis is it possible and there's nothing there's nothing wrong with this impulse but is it possible that because you were at as you said a broke bum while you were dating and now that you are not dating you kind of want to show her without malice

or intent that you've kind of gotten your shit together because now you have the money that you did not have while you were dating does that make sense yeah it sounds like this might be a bit more about assuaging your guilt then it's not even like it's trying to set it right I'm not even talking about guilt I'm talking about it either like you you may have some deep dark desire to get back with her or not even that just to show also just be a message of like hey I'm doing okay yeah like I'm I am doing better than I was doing when we were dating which I really as long as you're not a dick about it like I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that but I think that might be what you are also doing by saying I want here let me give you some money here have this money

right you know what I mean hey that's another great test say the phrase hey let me give you some money and see if it doesn't make you feel like you're paying a prostitute yeah say listen I left money for gas on the dresser right how does that make you feel I feel like you're I feel like I mean maybe it's over simplifying but I feel like if you say here's some money for the time that we loved each other like thank you I mean is that not it thank you for the love acts here is a money go back in time until Travis from four minutes ago this axiom this wisdom he's some ugly yeah listen sometimes the people that learn the most is me speaking of money for love acts do you guys want to go to the money so I'll try to stop

yes you know Dana Ray polling yes I do shit really yeah what do you know next order me what do you know about him well I know that he has two best chippies Jordan and Joe okay and it also is important to know that all three of them are dudes even though two of them have lady names it's already it's not do what I mean Jordan's like ambiguous lady name yeah what about Joe Joey Potter anyone anyone know about ever heard of Joey Potter anyone did you finish it by the way Griffin not yet I fucking stalled out on that last season it gets so close uh yeah can we guys if you're Travis tell us about Dana yeah well basically Dana grew up on a bird farm where they would plant birds in the ground I think and he is supremely aware of making love to a goose

that's not what the sentence says but we wrap it in the line 11 shopping screwed during 10 it says Dana is supremely aware of what you mean by love goose which I can only mean he take the mean he's taking a bird lover at least I should also mention before you get too much further happy birthday Dana oh yeah that's you what a great dude you are he loves video games and bargain hunting for collectibles preferably chairs life hacking and goosefucking happy birthday Dana and we're sorry we're so so sorry folks support for my brother my brother me comes from audible.com a provider of digital audiobooks and more if you want to listen to it audible has it with more than 100 000 downloadable titles including fiction nonfiction periodicals you will find what you are

looking for my brother my brother me listeners might enjoy packing for mars by friend of the family mary roach oh i like that say she is she we're tight we're bros I know but I I thought you're gonna say friend of the show I like friend of the family she's a friend of our family I mean our show is our family for a free audiobook of your choice and a free 30 day tribe membership go to audiblepodcast.com slash my brother that's audiblepodcast.com slash I want word my brother so do that and let them know of our power but it's hard is it when you with a book to hold on I can I can do this get it if it was a real book that audible gave you like physical uh-huh you shouldn't put your dick inside between the pages and shut the book and then try to fuck that because it

it would not feel great but because it's an audiobook that's cool no I was just trying to trying to transition into extreme restraints extreme as I listen to the audible reading of huck finn I just jerk it yeah okay we're not gonna do this to our friends at audible.com okay okay but what I will say is extreme restraints.com is my choice for things to fuck with I well not just with but things to fuck with fuck on fuck on fuck near fuck fuck up fuck down fuck fuck side to side fuck adjacent to whatever man whatever you want to fuck any proposition you want so I went the electric slide so we just got now Charlie Brown fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what what what guys extreme restraints is your premium online vendor everybody fuck your hands

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i just found out very excited that they're going to be sending us a box of of of some samples so i was curious have you guys decided what you're gonna uh i'm thinking it's grab bag honest i'm gonna surprise me now be careful with the grab bag it is more painful than it's i've ordered a ganja bar i'm just gonna see how that looks like it's a ganja bar for your tick i said pain box that you lower your balls into fear is the mind killer i must not be afraid oh god my balls extreme restraints.com is obsessed with finding the one object that will cause you genital pain but no pleasure to anyone so far they have not made it if you've envisioned the site as that ongoing experiment just the the the floats them in jetsum from one man's quest to find something

that will hurt your dick but won't turn you on yeah their newest their newest addition is the puzzle box from hellraiser just have demons just tear your dick and body he thought he had a winner and then some weirdo and Des Moines was like yes mama do likey so it's for sale now you can buy it because he hates it so much there's only one of everything that's not true none of the things we've said for the past a minute are true but here's what is true you gotta fuck and it's gonna make it better extreme restraints.org usually the cuban code sexy garfield all one word for 20 off it's a dot com i fucked up it's disappointing it's upsettingly discreet i would say because i really want i don't give a fuck i want the neighbors to be like oh they're fucking right yeah look at them they

got a dildo shape box hi this is biz and i'm Teresa and we host a new show about the epic fails and genius moments of being a mom how do you take care of a baby and still find time to moisturize your tattoos join us every week to find out and remember you don't have to be a bad mom to be one bad mother subscribe for free and iTunes or go to maximumfun.org i'm pretty staunchly opposed to piracy but one of my close friends uses this as his number one avenue for accessing his movies and music he often enters into conversations with me about why he thinks piracy is right and offers completely unjustified reasons for his standpoint in favor of not getting into an argument over something so trivial i tend to just in the conversation as

soon as possible but i feel this leaves him thinking he has the upper hand and he is on occasion feels free to remind me i couldn't come back with a better argument and he is right is it better to just take his banal arguments or should i make my stand in hopes of ending his prattling on and that's from sincerely plundered in san jose i am sick of this discussion piracy is evil they make people walk the plank they take people's booty yeah they're sinking ships all over the spanish main and i am sick of it um my dad my father made gold doubloons for 30 years in his workshop you're taking food out of his children who's me's mouth i think there's an alternate solution to this problem and that is to call the cops on your shitty friend and get him thrown in jail

is there a hotline is there like is there something i can do like hey my friend got that hobbit movie on the dl please take him away why don't you here's a good idea if you lured your friend into an argument and you get him to detail all of his piracy and then at the end you're like i guess you're right and then you pull out a micro recorder in your you like you you pull up your shirt you pull up your shirt on your on your jacket the the comically large flower that turned out was a microphone the whole time you've been the wired you got me again bobby that's all that the show the wire is by the way if you haven't seen the wire it's just about a man hiding a wire on his body and being like so you stole those bowling shoes from the alley huh yeah i did

what's it to you it's not to me but tell to the judge and pulls a shirt on team and the best part is that man is in no way affiliated with any kind of wall and every every just like a freelance wire every week he hides the wire in a different place so like he takes off and it's up to you to find it out he takes off his jamiroquai hat and there's there's a tiny stenographer under there you know that under jamiroquai's has a smaller hat god would a great guy i bet he starts every concert that way hold on let me get more comfortable what does he sound like that i don't why is he eating a mouthful of cheese i don't know if he's british or jamaican or a mouse so i made it all of them combined um man i don't uh it's hard to have a conversation with anybody about piracy ever

because there's a lot of companies have really have it common to them you know what i mean yeah corpse but the same time like i don't i haven't pirated music since i was in college i think um and that's just like i don't want to get holier than that because really if it wasn't for spotify who knows like who knows where i mean that's but that's a great point like there are companies out there like spotify and now i've forgotten the other ones what's the other ones where you can get the music from them you know like those catalogs that you get in the magazine and you get six free CDs and then you have to like solve your friends don't be a dick come on there's uh my my neighbor uh susanne she uh she just sings a lot

she sings while she gardens it's really nice anyways but there are things out there that will give you sometimes a car drives down the street and they've got their their radio turned up really loud so you get like it's on my phone you get like a few free say sometimes you can just like whistle yourself a tune and that's free music so maybe you make your own music listen to this it's a free song for you guys it's called clubs tm tm tm do not redistribute it can i say i i uh i i i think that this argument is probably the most boring one you can have and i've fallen into it 150 000 times here's the here's the only thing you can say right yeah i've done it too because everybody has in their entire life please don't say you haven't but i try not to because it's

i don't think it's right it's just a personal thing you don't have to convert anyone to believe anything trust me the problem doesn't get any better at all if you convince this person that it's stealing if they can't like use their their unless you set up a christmas carol type situation with musicians and movie stars from the past president future to sit there and come to your friend at night and tell him what to do hey hey i'm moby i want to came to talk to you about some of your habits come with me this is my car that i have to drive now because you still want my music and i can't afford a better car than this i live in it hey i'm moby i live in my car and i can't stop crying hey it's me bill paxton remember when i was in big love you just tormented that

all of it now i live in moby's car hold on let me open the trunk hi i'm bill pulman lots of people will confuse me with bill paxton that never happened before piracy please help please let me out i'm sorry i'm sorry i look like you please let me out there can be only one please let me out of moby's truck i don't think i would pirate anymore all right i think i would seek help now i think i have some other issues to work out who cares who gives a shit it's not worth it it's like your dorm is twitter like just quit it i will i will say i had a roommate and i'm not going to name names jacob dunkel uh it slipped out dunkel i'm sorry let's say jacob dunkel i'm sorry i keep putting you on blast

dunkel lives in the same town as me girffin has moved and whenever i see dunkel that's all he'll say why you keep putting me on blast dunkel i'm sorry i'm putting you on blast my youthful discretions were safe in the end of the time dunkel's just trying to stand with the radar i can't go back to prison dunkel's not going back to prison dunkel got hit up survive another stretch dunkel got hit up by whatever that whatever that anti piracy thing is who went and did all the suing of all the college students gave him a formal warning for downloading for downloading feature films in their defense he pirated more shit than any other 10 people i know combined but he got hit up because he downloaded i think it was like mahal and drive or something

he got he got dinged he got dinged by the by the motion picture association of america so like it does happen it i mean they'll keep an eye on it i hope you know those guys that just torn it things because they were there like you might want to watch them someday why do you have sisterhood of the traveling pants too in spanish i don't i don't know i don't know i have a real problem it's only half of it and it's that it's they actually it's homemade somebody did a shot for shot homemade like in be kind of rewind which i also pirated in dutch this is a sweet inversion of uh sisterhood the sweet fans call it i hope he's okay i hope he didn't i hope he's not incarcerated i hope they didn't get him he's not he's not on the inside he's fine he's on the inside of max

an arm is stuck probably not still but he was dead griffin i need a yahoo here's a yahoo answer sent in by um oh god they're all of them are ira ray come on ira ray you're the front best um it's my yahoo answer somebody's listening to the other day somebody treated the other day asking if we just use his question so we could do the theme song no we keep like i don't want to discourage everybody else who's sitting in questions because like they're all great and i appreciate it and like i do i read everyone that people send in a week and i do not mean to put you all down but ira rays are just they're superb they're so good um ira ray thank you it's by yahoo answers use your question mark who asks did the popularity of the karate kid basically ruin the effectiveness

of the crane kick since now everyone will know what's coming when you get in the crane kick position and the element of surprise is gone has the crane kick become an extinct move do martial arts experts not like the karate kid for ruining the crane kick in the way magician magicians don't like other magicians who reveal their secrets so by this person's logic if anyone has ever done the crane kick once uh-huh it is publicly publicly it's well not even that because the person who receives who's on the receiving end of the they have they tell you guys to kill them they tell two friends and then they two tell two friends and pretty sure soon it's you know the fucking t-fury is printed on t-shirts like all right i bet it's more of a thing like when somebody gets in the crane

kick position at a meet or competition or whatever the judge is just like roll their eyes uh uh fuck you if i was the judge of a martial arts contest and i saw somebody get in the crane kick competition i would be the most excited for anything i've ever been in the the better question is how sick and do you think officials are at those meets of people yelling sweep the leg like literally every time every it has to be right three minutes has to be ladies and gentlemen welcome first and foremost we ask you please don't yell sweep the leg we fucking get it we have all in fact seeing karate kid you are very funny please do not say sweep the leg also not allowed put him in a body bag that is done also i never die is out also uh later on this evening we do

have a roller derby bout happening here they have as that you not shout whip it everybody thank you please thank you i'm jay b miller i'm huntington radio personality and deep deep in joke jay b miller god fuck you guys so i'm huntington wall of famer jay b miller and now a little reference for no one jay b miller so let's jay b miller is awesome by the way he's a great great he's just fun to impersonate him he has a great radio voice just google him listen come on people hashtag jay b miller you get in a fight with someone at a bar we'll call we'll call this someone jay b miller for all intensive purpose would you be hero to millions jay b miller arcs one of his legs up bends his knee upwards lifts that leg up while the other leg is planted firmly on the ground slightly bit

and puts his two arms up as if he is flapping his arms like a bird if you have not seen and are not even aware of the karate kid i still think you can assume like oh that kick is coming like that that physically i should lean slightly back like you have exposed yourself in a way and prevented one of your legs from moving in a way that the only thing that can mean is that the other legs coming up face words you know be great i think there's somebody did that to me in a bar yes my first thought would be to like just punch them because they've left themselves very vulnerable and open alternatively just push them gently and they'll fall right over but i'm gonna be honest i would let it happen just to see how they did it because there's gotta be like 90 percent of people that

do that have to be like don't worry i saw this on karate kid right and then they're gonna do it and just fall on their fucking faces yeah but there's gonna be 10 percent of people yeah that are just gonna it would be worth it to take that kick just to see this just to see this bad boy unfold i'm just saying like it'd be you're like on the ground with your nose bleeding so i was like oh what happened like that guy just fucking crane kicked it to know that he nailed it even if that person like said some really racist shit and like you know poured an entire beer on your friend or girlfriend and like it was a total jerk and you know you desperately wanted to fight him i would let that happen just so that he can have that story that the chance to give somebody a gift

that magical it never comes along and to yeah and to just like i would lay on the ground and he would bend over and be like thank you i'd be like paying forward grandson granddaughter come here allow papa to tell you of the time he gave the greatest gift kick it forward you have to let three other people crane kick you in the face and it's not a very good now now let me die peaceful the conversion rate is not very good i know what if the guy who originally cranked him came back like at the end of late mr ron when he's on his deathbed he's gonna kick you into infinity now i thought you forgot about me i never forgot this the secret was it was the best moment of my life too and i'm gonna die also but i want to die

and then they kick each other and it's like perfectly time so they must go flying back and they freeze in midair and their outlines form a heart it's like the end of d3 and they just cranking each other freeze frame steven soda berg film the end before box office smash i wish i'd been there the first time that somebody was crane kicking somebody when that when that prior art in the crane kicking case was was created because i would imagine that probably looked ridiculous because the implication of the crane kick is that i can't stand on one leg without falling over unless i am balancing with my hands

so it seems to me you could do a crane kick well i don't think that's actually yeah i don't think it is a i don't think it has anything to do with physics i think it has something to do with birds with large wingspans are terrifying how about because here's the thing like i think that you're the opponent and you see that happening like whoa whoa whoa where daniel sunko suddenly there's a bird here and then you're kicked yeah yeah you see you see a flamingo and you're like big fucking deal skinny ass legs it's pink this is no this is no trouble at all i can fucking wreck this bird they get those wings out and you're like nope nope nope out now griffin you know it's not called the flamingo kick right no like you could have said crane but i am talking

about another large goofy ass looking bird of prey and then he did the heron one to go with ostriches but ostriches are objectively terrifying well they have judgmental faces yeah well that's not why i was i was more talking about the fact that they have fucking velociraptor talents but oh yeah i guess i guess that also doesn't help this is a two-part question okay and i put them together because i wanted to close on this very important point that we apparently have not made yet and i wanted one last chance to make it here's the first question i'm a mid 20s guy who lives in a suburban area and i have trouble meeting women my age around here however there's one girl who lives nearby who seems like she could be really cool her sister and brother-in-law are good friends

of mine and i've met and i met her through them the problem is i only met her once a while ago and aside from recently becoming facebook friends exchanging the occasional like or comment have hardly interacted with her since my question is this how can i find some way to hang out with her again i don't know her well enough to ask her out but i'd like to get to know her in a more casual setting my friends rarely come to the area and when they do they usually just hang out with her and her family not me what's a creative non creepy way to cross paths with her again see if she's cool as i hope she is this from hangout hopeful here's another question here's another question okay next weekend i'll be going to an event with

some friends that should be totally awesome but i've just been informed that my mutual friend that one of the people i'll be rooming with is secretly pining for me and thinks i feel the same i like spending time with him but i don't have any romantic feelings and i don't want to give him the wrong idea should i give him a heads up and risk making him really uncomfortable or should i wait to see if he brings up the topic on his own and that's from from perplexed pax goer is what are we doing both of these together because they both represent opposite ends of i just when i i read these two actually like in sequence travis i happen to star them and they're of course not related obviously they these people are not the same people they're not regarding

the same problem but we we we used to hit on this a lot during the show and i and i really i want to circle back around to it jokes aside and really try to hit this home okay this conniving and the strategies and the oh yeah and the like trying to make you guys are fate you have a name your facebook friends you've liked each other's just ask her dummy just say do you want to go out sometime and stop wasting your life minutes trying to come up with a way to make yourself more comfortable with that because that's all you're really doing i mean well yeah what you're doing is you're trying to recreate like a romantic comedy moment right exactly oh hey didn't expect you to be at the driving range we didn't have a meet cute so now i want to try to create one when

like if you've here here's the question that i don't think people people are amazing and they're worthwhile and i think everybody listening to show right now is worthwhile you're cool and funny and and worth you have great taste you have great taste in podcast and fucking sexy body you have fun especially looking at you in that Mustang costume cut down carbs you you're great if you could develop feelings for this person even sort of the first inkling the first spark of feelings why why do you make the assumption that there's no way this person could be thinking the same you know one simultaneously if you're wanting to get to know him the way that you do that is by asking the mountain spending time with them we like there's there's no time clock that you

got to punch and get like 10 hours credit before you can ask let me let me tell everybody where we are as a civilization this is where we are where i feel like for a good long while there like back in the the the you know soda shop days the custom was hey i met you and i liked you and this is crazy but here's my number so call me call me maybe no it was i met you i found you interesting let's spend more time together to get to know each other and then maybe we can procreate by the time we're 17 and that became such that was the norm and then all of a sudden it wasn't anymore and it did become about this conniving and trying to find ways and trying to be too cool for school and trying to sneak sneak your way into love and now i feel like the people who can fucking

get up the courage to say hey i think you're interesting i want to get to know you better let's go on a date like that has come back into fashion now and like if you can pull that move off it doesn't matter if they say yes or no they're gonna think you're fucking cool well i know dudes like my friend john shellor is is one of the smoothest guys and i really think the whole trick to that is that he just says what he's thinking to women it does and he's a he's a very nice confident good-looking guy who just like grows up and he's like hey how's it going i like there's no pretense or sometimes i don't even think it has anything to do with charm or intellect or anything it is just having that fraction of courage required to say i think you're interesting

and i want to get to know you better literally no what i'm saying is that that is what comes across as charm it's not though having that curry but i'm saying that if you have that courage and you're confident and you can do it that comes across as being one of the charming guys if you try to if you try to fucking sneak it in sideways though you're gonna come off as a creep gonna be arrested well no you know what i mean you know it's like no you're absolutely imagine imagine uh dating imagine your car dealership okay you are a used car all right and that is not a great analogy just hang with me hang with me okay if you show up in the car salesman you see a car like over in the corner the car salesman's like i can't show you that one i don't think you're ready

to like it yet i have to i have to apply you a bit what kind of vibe are you gonna get about that car the answer is not a good vibe but if as soon as you show up at the dealership the guy's like never mind you know what i have the car for you this is a great car you're gonna love this car that's confidence and that's appealing that that we like that we we like to think that anybody else knows what the fuck they're doing because we certainly do not confidence is that's all confidence is is holding up your end of the social bargain to pretend like you know what's going on because none of us do i'm saying that's right it is so uncommon to be to be straightforward with somebody when it comes to when it comes to dating it's so rare that when you pull it off

it's like seeing it's like seeing a fucking unicorn it's like holy shit like i don't know how i feel about you but yeah sure i got asked on a date can you fucking believe it and he you know what he didn't do it on a text message can you fucking believe it the crazy thing about it is like the it's it's also doesn't have to mean like coming across as desperate or doing that like that i think that's what people are afraid they will seem like if there's like hey you you're pretty you know what i mean but like just do it don't say hey you're pretty or hey the shampoo you use smells good you say hey i think you're interesting and i want to get to know you better do you want to hang out sometime never start a sentence with you probably get this a lot but

don't say that no no don't say i know i don't look like much don't uh-huh i know we just met no or i don't want to seem creepy but i don't want to no stop doing that don't don't apologize for yourself don't make excuses for yourself i know i have a half formed vestigial twin hanging off of my neck but you just don't even acknowledge it let them bring it up let them if you have a half formed vestigial twin on your neck that can talk if you still straightforwardly ask somebody out they're gonna say yes and then take a drink of water while your twin sings you okay so you but we've been paying a lot of attention to the first half of the question though no but this is that what i'm saying is the two are connected because well the second one doesn't want to go out

the one breeds the situation though what i'm saying is it makes the first cause an effect it's cause an effect the first breeds a second situation where you're actively making the person uncomfortable it's bad for both parties to create this you know to you know create this weird predating phase that like just ask you just ask and if it doesn't work out cool maybe you can be friends afterwards and you don't have to spend another night thinking about it here's the secret you want to the you guys hear that book the secret of course you didn't read it so i'm gonna tell you what the secret is you're ready no matter what you look like Bruce Willis is dead at the end no matter what you look like and no matter what the person doing the asking looks like getting ass out on a date

makes you horny i do not care this is irrefutable fucking irrefutable when you get an ass on a date it makes you horny because you think oh i could have sex with this person maybe it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like or any of it getting ass on a date makes you feel good and usually well don't backpedal because you just ran it sound like a hundred percent of the time it always makes you horny always so if you can go to someone and you say hey do you want to go on a date they may say no but they will also say thank you for making me horny i'm gonna go use this but i'm gonna go for riling up my lungs i'm gonna go use this on someone else i'm gonna store this up cashed in

later with my husband i'm gonna bank it i'm gonna ask my husband um i just want to short answer to the person in the perplexed tax goer i don't think you have to bring it up as long as you have not done anything that is misleading yes then if this dude has feelings i mean i would be straightforward with them though just as a courtesy like you don't want him spending the entire trip like trying to yeah but i also don't know how you bring that up if you're like hey dave just so you know before we get on this road trip i don't have feelings for you all right pack it up everybody let's roll out to get the cheetos all right got the cheetos cool we're good to roll you want to sit in the back with me nope uh you're crying fuck the the best thing you can give

somebody is your time and by asking someone on a date you say to them i think you met there's a chance you could be the person i want to give all my time to i don't care what you look like or if you're a dirt bag or any of it that's that's a nice thing to say to somebody even if nothing ever comes of it okay nothing ever comes of it you have still done something nice for them and made yourself a bit more confident and a bit more used to getting you know if you if you are rejected and you know what if you're rejected it's based on nothing because the person doesn't know you so there's nothing to feel bad about if you say mooch a bunch of a girl's money off of her so you can keep visiting her and then you leave her and don't give her because you really like traveling

to new york city love to go to your business that's your business no that uh it's it's a great thing to ask somebody out it's nice and it's not weird and it's how society has operated for so long don't make it into a big thing don't like that's what i'm saying you gotta cool hand luke it because your friends if you ask out somebody that your friends know they're gonna make both of you try and feel weird about it because people are fucking dicks and you just gotta be like i don't man just calm down you know we're just we're just hanging out and just spend some time together just see if we see if we are a simpedico and if you could say it in that kind of tone and when you say it like lower your sunglasses down your face then uh let me do this other favor for you

if you say do you want to go out sometime and the person says i don't know let me think about it you rescind that offer yep so fast that you do not have time to even let the like they don't even finish the sentence listen as long as we're making big broad strokes i'm gonna throw this out to you because we get this question once a week i'm worried if you schedule a date with someone and then they tell you uh no like call you 30 minutes beforehand and they're like uh no i just it turns out that i gotta get a wisdom tooth out at 9 p.m or whatever can we reschedule it and then they reschedule it and then they cancel on you again no don't even don't even do the second one yeah whoa don't even do that if they can't suffer a rotten

lightning pain in their mouth to spend time with you then if they love you they set you free and then you run away and that's how you that's how they know they fucked up is how i was saying people's misguided attempt to try to like let you down easy by stringing you along it's fucking bullshit if they wanted to go out with you they would find the time to people say dating stop people say dating is so hard and it's not it's the shit that happens right before the dating starts that sucks so everything that you do to prolong that shittiness is is not a favor yeah so let me say this to the other side if somebody asks you out and you don't want to go out with them say like oh no thank you but i'd rather not boo yeah i mean you don't necessarily

no i'm sorry sorry i'm offering you an order do you have to say boo yeah i just ask if you're rejected that's fine the hundredth time you get rejected you're not gonna feel it and then you'll be that cool guy that gets dates all the time but if you're not asking if you're not like i some dude i know like a couple months ago said to me like i just i can't seem to stay with a girl i can't find the one i can't all these relationships in and it's like yeah because they will until they don't anymore and then you marry that person like it's not this magical thing we're like oh i bumped into this girl on the subway married right sorry can you walk me through that again i ran into a girl on the subway

i think wait i think my reaction was she fell on the tracks oh my god someone help her that's why why didn't you have a subway i bumped her off the platform that's my future wife down there that's nobody call a fixer there's blood everywhere hey you are really attractive ambulance driver marry while you were sleeping too while you were dead while you were in many feces on the tracks that's how you turn a meat cute into cute meat here it is let's say thanks this has been our comedy podcast my brother my brother and me it's an advice show for the modern era that only occasionally gets a little preachy uh

i hope you've had as much fun as we have thank you to those tweeting about the show chris daily our dad uh hannah elie john uh majin johnny fred wood hannah elie again jason kirk of course uh josh was cw king john shh john s john groober lots of johns jen velarosa not a john thank you to everybody tweeting about the show if you are going to tweet about it maybe include our a link to our sampler it's bit dot oh i forward slash it's my bim bam i want to thank john ron trick in the long winters for these part theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed which has so many good tracks on it hindsight seven uh just uh download the fucking thing i i also i want to encourage don't pirate it i want to encourage you all to go check out all

the other uh max fun dot org uh podcast just go to maximum fun dot org there's at this point too many to mention i think we have like 60 or 70 different podcasts on our network at this point but do check out the forums um and you know every week when we post a show there is a forum uh kind of uh thread created make sure you pop on there and kind of give us your two cents yeah or your ten cents or ten dollars uh speaking of is that time of year again uh 2013 max fun drive is just around the corner maybe you're already a devoted monthly member of maximum fun maybe you're a virgin and maybe maybe you've never donated to maximum fun before either way starting april first we're going to be running some of our best content of the year us and every other show

on maximum fun doing awesome giveaways uh with stuff like thank you gifts and packages some of the sponsors for the gifts this year are fucking out of control we mentioned the extreme restraints is up in it so like i'm still not exactly sure what they're giving away but if it's like a maximum fun themed dildo like maybe it's the max fun rocket ship but you put it in your butt and then you blast off into space with it pleasure space uh then then you got it you got to donate and you can get on that stuff and all that stuff helps us you know make a little money off of doing the show it helps us do like we bought new mics um when when we first got on max fun uh it helps us do stuff like we pay for our travel with live shows which i know we haven't done in a while i'm sorry

it's been fucking crazy busy um but but it also feeds my cat it feeds Travis's cat um anyway also we have a bonus episode that we usually have a lot of fun with um so so don't miss it it starts April 1st and it runs for two weeks tune in show your support and and catch the the best episodes mom and ma'am has to offer and if i can add the dinde yeah please dinde a minute it is also very important to me and hopefully my brothers that we just crush all the other podcasts we try not to hit that note too hard but i just want to crush really usually do i want to feel brian toffee's face below my foot that's awful well that's no that's just because that's the only way i can finish oh god so tune in and hear Travis say thing pay more money to listen to

Travis say more things like that to perpetuate Travis saying things like that um this final yahoo answer was uh sent in by nick jensen thank you nick jensen it's by yahoo answers v who asks is it normal that i eat my hot pockets in the dark the only the only additional details are ham and cheese i'm just a mackerelite i'm Travis mackerelite this has been my brother my brother may kiss your dad so maximum fund dot org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported maximum fund dot org is a co-sponsor of the fifth annual women in comedy festival happening this weekend

in boston the festival kicks off thursday march 21st with snl alumni rachel dredch and sense performing with other top improvisers from the ucb theater for comedy fans the festival is an incredible opportunity to see some of the best comics working today not to mention some of my personal favorites like maria bamford for more information and tickets visit www.womenincomedyfestival.com