My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 145: Three's Company High

Episode Date: March 26, 2013

Is this episode a day late? Yes. Is it a dollar short? Absolutely not. We'd say it's a dollar richer, since we had an extra day to ruminate on your questions, providing even more potent measures of sweet, sweet wisdom. Suggested talking points: Passover the Dutchie, Lonely Wife Swap, The Worst Fast and Furious Movie, Arby's Reunion, Hydranting, Two Dads, Family Photos, Romantic Audiobook

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Pass the duchy, it's time for Passover, with me, Justin McElroy. Let him do it. Pass the duchy, it's time for Passover, with me, the honorable rabbi, Justin McElroy. You're grace, you're grace.

Yes, yes my son. Please do pass the duchy. I'll pass the duchy, today's the 15th of Nisan, everybody, and that means it's Passover time. So let's pass it over here, that last... Duchy's a weed, right? It's like a jazz cigarette? That is very different from Passover, which here is the literal thing that I found just now, when I was researching Passover, to make sure my goose were not only insightful, but relevant.

It's the blood on the door, right? Or the white paint? What was it? It's you find a red door and you want it painted black. Fox News says, why is Passover the most celebrated Jewish holiday in America? And Fox News answers, simply put, like America itself, Passover is about freedom. Passover rules and eagles and stuff. Passover rules, put a firecracker in your butt, eat some cake, it's Passover time. Fuck yeah, Passover. Get ready to get passed over, Nazis.

Is this freedom, the freedom to not be murdered by an agent of the Lord? Is that what, okay, that's the... No, the freedom was, it was freedom from the pharaoh, from the Egyptians. Right, but some fools got wrecked, right? Because it was the plagues and shit. Oh yeah, all the Egyptians, it was the freedom from having to look at all the Egyptians' first born children. I'm sick of looking at all these fat, ugly little kids. Fat Derek.

I wish an angel would come down flaming sword. I wish there was a, I wish there would be a great reaping. Hey, pass that Dutch. Jew, kids, not Jewish kids, but kids, you know, just your kids in that period, must have been pretty cool because they were the only kids to have a prominent, deep-seated, and very practical fear of angels. You could at any point threaten that an angel's coming for them and they'd like hide under there. Dad, did you put the blood on the door?

I'll do it later. Dad, Dad, do it now. It doesn't matter with you. This is vital, Daddy. Dad, you didn't buy that, oh, you bought store-brand blood? Come on, Dad, get the name-brand stuff. You can turn on the faucet and it's blood because that was in earlier plague, Daddy. It shouldn't be easier.

That's a whole different plague, Papa. The other thing that Fox News tells me about Passover, I'm just getting all my Passover facts from Fox News. Why is wine so prominently featured at the Cedar Meal? Drinking wine, especially over a leisurely meal, expresses the freedom of those gathered together and demonstrating that freedom is essential to the feature, is the essential feature of the Cedar. We may be Cedar.

The Fox News is super hung up on the patriotism. You're showing your hand a little bit too because I'm pretty sure it's Cedar. It's Cedar. Although a Cedar Meal sounds delicious, oh, this is hickory smoked barbecue. Oh, is this salmon? This is delicious. Throw it over some Cedar chips. That's what I meant.

What were you guys talking about? I was talking about the nymphs and the saders and the games around and they eat the food as a stretch. That joke was a stretch. I apologize and goodbye to everyone. They pass you a big fat J, but they pass it counterclockwise. That song would have been way better and much, much clearer if it had been past the duchy counterclockwise word. So this is my brother and my brother mates.

It's an advice show. Was that all offensive? Like do people, it may not, it has shit to do with the plagues, right? Like it's been a while since. Yeah, it is. It's about the angel passing over the children and not killing them. Okay, cool. Cool holiday.

But like Fox News doesn't mention plagues. So I don't know. I wish that I had, I don't know. I wish I had a holiday that I celebrated. Maybe I should get down with Passover. I never fuck with Passover before, but I wish I had a holiday that had the eating of Thanksgiving with some of the ceremony of like an Easter. You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's called Easter. I guess that's true. But like Easter, I don't think of Easter as being like a big eating holiday. Oh it is. You get the ham and then you get cake eggs and you just go to town. Yeah, but it's not, it's not standardized. You know, Seder, they have, you know, latkes, they have challah bread. They get down with it.

Black and white cookies? Is black and white cookies, do they do that on Passover? I don't, I don't, I don't like ham. Yeah, Justin also doesn't like ham. So like he is Easter's ruined. I don't like ham really. If I go to a place and ham's the only meat available, like I really don't like ham. I don't get it.

Let me hit you, let me hit you with this, let me bounce this off of you. How do you feel about unleavened bread? Good question. That sounds pretty good. Okay. How do you, sorry, let me reframe it. How do you feel about leavened bread? Because you pretty much have to get rid of all that.

I would miss leavened bread. Yeah. I'm, I'm assuming that the stuff in hotdog buns is leavened, right? No, it's unleavened. You're good. It's unleavened, that's fine. Here's the only way you can tell is you have to put the bread in water. And if it sinks, it's unleavened.

And if it floats, it's a witch. And I'm sorry, it has to be toilet water. You have to put it in the toilet because it's the only, that's the only kind of water that works as a litmus test. And you have to test each piece individually because you can't just assume the entire package. Did you guys know that s'mores were invented when people were trying to figure out if marshmallows were witches? That's a true story I made up.

That's true. And they said I can't be sure, but this is the one thing I am sure about is this is delicious. I feel. What do you think, Reverend Hershey? Let's toast it. Hey, I've got a totally dope idea. Hey, pass that J and let me drop some science on you guys. Thanks, Reverend Hershey.

And we shall form a town here and we'll make chocolate and shit. It'll be awesome. Give me those Doritos. I can't stop eating these things. They must be ensorcelled. How could you do this to us? Watch the mellow. We're probably a community.

This is my brother, my brother, me. It's a vice show from modern era and we know a lot about juice stuff. Trust me. Here's the first question. So also to answer your question, Reverend, I don't know if that was offensive or not, but if it was offensive, it came from the most pure source of something to be offensive. And that is ignorance.

And Fox News. And the one thing you cannot be angry about someone being offensive for is ignorance. Yeah, that's right. That is the one thing that is OK to be offensive. If you learned anything from Archie Bunker and Family Guy, it's that shit is funny as long as the person is stupid. But that's like that's a pretty bad catch all, though. That kind of catches kind of catches a lot of shit, though.

Yeah, it's a lot of things in there. Let's spread our ignorant seed. OK, let's spread it. My boyfriend and I will be house sitting for his favorite professor over the summer and I plan to live with him while he stays there. Although I'm excited to live with my boyfriend in a real adult's house, I do have one qualm. What if we were to have sex in the professor's home?

Would it stir up bad juju there? If so, how can we protect the professor from any strange residual sex energy that's from the borish border? Is he a professor of voodoo? Do you guys think let's let's tackle this this big question. OK. Somebody house sits for you. They fucking your house.

You come home or maybe it doesn't even have to be that like you're at a party and you walk into a room. Can you guys tell when someone been freaking? Oh, yeah. Someone been freaking in my home and I walk in the door. I turn into R. Kelly. I'm like, my hands are in the air. I'm like, oh, no.

You're not catching. Oh, no. Oh, wait. I hope that if you catch them in the act, you could tell. You're not watching. Hey, what's up, guys? What are you doing? You're not watching people express love to each other physically with love acts.

I'm talking about you walk into a room and like the specter of fuck is just hanging. No, I'm saying I can like I can I can sense that and every time that someone's had sex in my house when I wasn't there, I knew I felt like you look at my hair. It was standing straight up like I just took off a wool sweater. Like I know I know when people have been doing dirty in my home. You can see your breath. There's a doorknob. The doorknob is red.

I can't. I can see my breath because I'm pressed against the glass. I'm watching this go down to my home. Misha Barton is there. She's thrown up. You're so gross, Misha Barton. The question is, does the professor know that you're going to be staying there too? Because if so, he already knows what's up.

Yeah. And you're like, I'm staying here with my boyfriend. Also, he's fucking dirty. I wouldn't stay in the house now. Like I wouldn't stay at any house that any professor, a college professor, I assume so. So that's the only people that people will get called professor. Anytime an adult professor says, yes, you and your boyfriend can stay here,

you shouldn't stay there. No. Because he wants to collect your fluids. What? Why would you jump there? It's part of some sort of experiment. Well, I was going to say like it was like I made any cam set up to like watch you do it, but you took it to like a place.

Oh, so mine is less creepy than that thing you just said. Yes, because mine's like voyeurism, and yours involves collecting things. Yeah, it does. Samples. You shouldn't do it for a lot of reasons. No, you're exactly right. There's cameras all over the place. Place is wired like some fucking deleted scene out of sneakers.

There's lots of cams all over, nanny cams, teddy cams, camera cameras. Yeah, they hide cameras in cameras. Yeah, so you break the outer camera and you're like, foil down what you didn't see. It's the Matryoshka dolls of cameras. I probably didn't say that right, but it came from a place of ignorance. It's actually Matryoshka. This guy is going to walk in at the end of summer and be like, did you enjoy my house?

Did you enjoy being me for a while? And you guys will say yes, and you'll start to walk out and then he'll slam the door shut and padlock it and he'll say hold up and then he'll flip a switch and all the lights in the house will go off. And then he'll flip on another switch and a bunch of black lights are going to come on. And then he's going to lead you through the house by the nose and point to all of the glowing, all of the iridescent detritus that you have left around the house. Fall around like a family circus cartoon.

I know you sex there, I know you sex there, twice there, good job. I'm just saying there's no such thing as a fucking free lunch. This guy is going to jerk off to you somehow. Everyone is just looking for a chance to jerk off to you. Right. If you see a sign up in front of Quiznos, it's like, free lunches. Just go ahead and assume that they're going to be like, cool. Can you do one quick favor?

One quickie. Just a quick thing. You're going to do it anyway, but do it here now. This is so weird. I feel uncomfortable house sitting for anyone. Why do you feel? You're always into it beforehand because you think like. Vacation home.

Yeah, you think like, oh, this is what it's like to have like a villa or something that you go stand, but it's not. It's like more like breaking and entering. Well, okay, you go there, but for me, it's more like an episode of Wifeswap, but nobody else is there. So it's just a surviving mother, maybe the rest of her family died in a fire. And so they, I have swapped with her. Why?

Okay. With a swap with Griffin McRoy. The memories. Just walking around the house being like, man, this fucking sucks. I can see how this would have been a pretty good scene prefire, but. This place is like a museum to her sadness. Yeah. These rooms are locked.

I can look through the keyhole and just see dusty rocking horses. This is terrible. Yeah. I'm going to fuck him here. I'm going to fucking this room down. I'm going to fucking here and recite lines from ordinary people. This is going to be great. Next week, I'm going to have the best scene study class of my life.

My sense of memory is fucking topped off. Is out of control. I'm feeling this. Let's Griffin, let's talk about something less upsetting. If you want to take it to Yahoo, that is not possible. Go. This Yahoo was sent in by Addie Schweiss. Thanks, Addie.

It's by Yahoo answers user country girl, 2415. It is unintelligible. She asks if a guy wants to take you for a ride in his car. Okay. So his name is Chris. He's my old. Sorry. No punctuation in this entire fucking diatribe.

Okay. So his name is Chris. He's my older brother's friend. And I know he knows I love him anyway. My favorite cars are convertible mustangs. And he knew that's so like a couple of months ago. He went out and bought also. I was considering buying one before him anyway.

I really love this guy. But sadly, he has a hot jeef who I think hates me, but whatever. But today he came up to show me his- Sorry, was that hot jeef? GF. Okay, I want to stick with jeef. Okay, go on. He has a really sexy jeef who I think hates me, whatever.

But today he came to show me his car. And we have been really talking ever since he started dating this gal. So anyway, his friends and my brother went for a ride in his car. Then he came back and dropped my brother off. Then my mom and family came to look at the car. Then they told him he should take me for a ride. And I was like, no way. He'll drive too fast.

And then he said, no, I won't. I will drive fast. Then he said, I'll take you for a ride sometime. Then left. Does it mean anything? This is the best short story ever. I listened. Dear penthouse.

I never thought it would happen. Dear penthouse. Okay, so his name is Chris. He's my older brother's friend. And I know he knows I love him anyway. Listen, Vin. I know you're excited about your first time directing a vasinfarious film. I think this whole scene you've written is going to end up on the proverbial cutting room floor.

I really don't think you have any sort of dramatic motion here. It is basically just a girl almost getting in a car and then not. Listen, Ludacris, I need you- Is it either fast or furious? Luda. Luda, I appreciate what you've done for me. But I do need you to take the nitrous out. I do not like to drive fast.

I live my life a 20th of a mile at a time. And it takes me a while to get there. It feels more like a Nicholas Sparks novel. I mean, she's excited about this guy. She thinks he's showing some interest by buying the car she likes best. Yep. You know, it's like no one's ever done ever. Yeah.

I like the part where she says she was thinking about buying it before him, which I don't like to throw stones or cast dispersion, but based on this, I can estimate that this person's reading level is three. So I doubt that they have the finances required to buy a convertible Mustang. However, I do like the logic of now that he's bought a one, I will be unable to for there is only one in the world. Sure. One in this town, maybe.

Well, and also like- Oh. He knows- This is a one Mustang town. He knows she knows he loves- He knows that she loves him, right? He's got this- I don't know if you guys heard that part.

He's got this bang and jeef and that haunts her. Hates her fucking guts. Oh my God, does she hate her? But the jeef doesn't fit. That's what's so weird about this story for me is- We'll break it down, Justin. If I understand this correctly. Okay, so Stephanie loves this car.

Let's be honest. Steffy. Steffy loves Mustangs. Let's be honest. Stump. Okay. Okay, stumps. Okay, so Destiny loves Mustangs.

And then this guy who she loves and knows loves him buys a Mustang. Right. He's got a jeef that's really sort of- I would say almost a tertiary character in this particular tale. Uh, the guy shows up at Destiny's door with the Mustang that she loves. And he knows she loves. And he offers to give her a ride into the sunset. And she says, you will drive too fast.

I cannot accommodate you at this record. Justin, that's a fucking metaphor. He's gonna drive too fast. She's afraid that the relationship will move too fast. And he's like, no, it won't. It'll be fine. But she's too afraid to go. And the jeef represents the StarCross love interest that's going on here.

She's the barrier. He bought the car because he knew it was her favorite car, making it the most self-serving romantic gesture in the history of all gestures. I bought that car you like. But it's also mine. The sweetest car ever. But we didn't answer the question. We just made fun of it.

Does it mean anything? Of course it means something. In this crazy mixed up world, where two people can barely find each other as it is, if you can bond over the love of a sweet ass Mustang, then you need to literally hop on board and go. Get out of this one who was down. I never in my youth, which I'm assuming this person is in.

I think that's a bold choice because if she were 40, this is a way better question. This is a way sadder question. But I never, and a lot of my friends in high school did it because I had a lot of, which is bizarre, because I was driving an ultimate wheel cutless here that Justin gave me shortly after it died. Justin asked me to drive around in the carcass of his rusty taunt on.

Most of your friends cruising in those days was like flip power like Fred Flint stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's a good learner though. You learn how to fix your power steering and fix tires. You learn how to convince your dad's shady mechanic friend to give you a fake inspection sticker because there's no fucking way that any certified agency will give you one.

You know what? I did that. The guy you're referring to, who shall not be named, told me I needed to go to Tri-State Tire and ask for a guy named Whistle. And if I asked for Whistle, he'd give me an inspection sticker. God, that dude was awesome. That dude's gonna gait spirit like fucking inspired me as a human being. Anyway, I had a lot of automotive enthusiast friends

who would like, what do you want to do tonight? Let's go driving. And whenever they invite me along, I'd be like, to where? To Blockbuster? If we're going to Blockbuster or Outback, just fucking pick a place and let's go to there. I just don't get that. It's a locomotion.

It takes you from one point to the other. I don't get that. A to B. A to B. It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Exactly. Yeah, and when you saw one pair of footprints,

that was me walking away from your offer to go driving, because it sounded like me. Because I was afraid you'd do it too fast and I was worried about your jeef. Yeah. You know, the Blockbuster clothes here. Yeah, it closed like a decade ago. It probably gets you stole so many fucking,

probably because you stole so many video cassettes from them. Did you think about that, Justin? They took what? You ever look at that box that you have full of stolen video cassette tapes from the Blockbuster video and think, I'm sorry, old friend. Sorry. You gave me-

I changed your lifeblood. You gave me employ at a very hungry time in my life. And I have betrayed you in this manner. I, they built the Blockbuster on the same spot where they tore down Ronald's cheese corner and now Blockbuster's clothes. So I don't know if that's a net loss or what. Hey, here's another question.

My girlfriend and I both have our five year high school reunions this year. When this came up in recent conversation, she implied that she intended to bring me to hers. This surprised me because I was under the impression that you only bring people with whom you are not in very serious relationships. I- No, with whom you are. With whom you are in very serious relationships.

I, sorry, it's my first day reading. I eat fiancees and wives to high school reunions. This is not to say we aren't in a serious relationship. We've been dating for almost a year and a half, planning to move in together ASAP, but I'm not sure what's culturally acceptable. What's the right move here, brothers? If I do go, any do's and don'ts to go or not to go.

Well, we're going to make this one real easy for you. If she says you're going, you're going, you're going. Well, I mean, how's that? Don't make it. It's dudes and ladies. This is not a gender. Okay, because it just fucking quickly took a sharp veer towards Jeff Fox.

No, this is not, this is not like because you're wrapped around a little finger in your whip kind of thing. This is not a Ray Romano bit. I'm saying if the person in your relationship says, will you go, will you be the metric of quality by which I, my current life will be judged as opposed to my high school life. And you say no. I don't believe it's culturally acceptable for me to go, honey.

Sorry, I'd love to, but it's such a faux pas. I'm going to check the mores, but I'm pretty sure that I can't be that yardstick for you. What's next? White after labor day? Come on. I think, I think you go because like it's, I have not been to my reunion yet, but fuck it's coming up, ain't it?

Anyway, I haven't been to my reunion yet. But when I do like, I don't know. I'm not going to see any of those fucking people ever again. You know, a lot of them probably don't know who I was because I fucking skirted it high school, but which I mean I was on the outskirts of not that I was chasing skirts. Like I'm just going to fucking live it up. Right.

Because you get one chance. You know what I mean? I didn't go to mine. So here's, here's the bigger thing because I just went to my 10 year and I'll say this, you go with her, she'll go with you because you need all the help you can get to get through some of the situations you will be put in, namely not remembering who any of those people are. Right.

And so you need a partner there to do the introduction game with and so that way you can remember their names. I do get what this person is saying though, because how long they've been dating? A year? That's long enough. Like I have been in that position before where you are at a group function with somebody you have not been dating very long. They know everybody there, you know nobody.

And every time you are introduced, it is because it's like, how do you guys know each other? But oh, we've been dating for three weeks. And they get that look in their eye like, then why the fuck did you bring them? Why are you here? Why did you agree to come? This is a social violation.

I think a better question is, why would anyone go to their five year high school reunion? I know, I saw you guys last fucking week. Yeah, right? Like, hey, what have you guys been up to? Oh, I just graduated college or why didn't go to college? Well, have you done anything? No, I'm like 23. Cool, cool.

Good check in. See you guys in five years when it matters. I just found out about Ikea, which is pretty cool. There is no way to catch an amazing race. In 20 years, this will not like reunions will not exist. There is no way five, 10. I mean, it's crazy to me that we're even like, if I want it, listen, it's 2013. If I wanted to even like vaguely keep tabs on you, then I would.

I would know who you are and who you're balling and everything. This is going to be fun. I'm going to go to my high school reunion right now. And that is the group on Facebook called Huntington High School Class of 2005. It has gotten to a certain point in technology where I have to actively work to not know things about people. Jesus Christ. That's what you got to treat your reunion like.

From now on, we have to stop. You have to treat it like trailers for a movie you're really excited about. Like, no, no, no, I can't be friends with you on Facebook. I'm saving it all up. I really want to be surprised when you're dead or when you're married or... Of course I know you have a kid. Ah, damn it. Spoilers.

I spoiled it for myself. Wow. Has it been that long? Yep. It has been that long. It has been seven years to be precise. You guys remember? Nope.

Nope. No, I do not. Oh, did you hear about Mr. Stinkins? I did not hear about him. He did not. He taught me. He taught me good about algebra, though, I guess. I don't really remember much about it, but he ended up sprees, so that was nice.

I went to Sydney's reunion. It was something. Is that all you got in the chamber? That's all I got. She was so excited because, like, things have been going pretty well for her. And so she was going to show everybody. And, like, we get there and she realizes that, like, the only people that are there are kind of disasters.

Like, it's not really like, you know, I trumped the quarterback. She did have that portion of people at hers that I knew that had gotten, like, that had had had a bad term, but you'll be surprised at how little traction you can get of capitalizing on pleasure from others' misfortune. That is despite despite. Oh, you live here at the high school. Oh, in the gym. Oh, you're you you haunt it like the Phantom of the Opera.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Where's your nest underneath the bleachers? Awesome, awesome, awesome. If there are two things in this world I despise. Sorry, I meant to say love and then this whole thing is going to be sarcastic, but let's cut through the bullshit. I it is trying to remember people's names whom I do not know and they do know me and also telling people what I do for a living and and then having to explain to them

that, yes, it is indeed a real job. And it sounds like my high school reunion is just going to be an evening of that. Yeah, just a whole, you know, whenever I describe my living to to norms, I always end up saying, you know, like Roger Ebert, but for video games, which is like, which is a sellout. Every sentence is a sellout, you make just the worst. What I realized going to my is because I think I have a really cool job. I work in professional theater and everything. But what I realized is the people that went to the reunion and some of them I really love

and they're like actual friends of mine, they don't think it's cool. They think what they do is cool. You know, it's like nobody's going to sit there and go, holy shit, really? That's amazing. My job is bullshit. Your job is awesome. Like because everybody else is going to the reunion for the same reason. Right.

Because if they did fucking live at the high school and worked at Arby's, not that there's anything wrong with working at Arby's. If you work at Arby's, thank you for your service. But if they work at Arby's, which is a fucking clown job, then they're not going to go to the fucking reunion. Yeah, no one is going to play the foil to your little power fantasy. I know I shouldn't go to the reunion. I know I'm going to be consistently embarrassed the whole time.

But Travis needs this. But Travis really needs this. I was sort of a bully to him in high school. It's the least I can do. Guys, what you don't understand is I just get enjoyment out of the smile on my children's face. It's not about how successful I am. But for Travis, Travis will be empty if I'm not there. Do your due diligence.

Do your 10 minutes at the real reunion. Then come back upstairs to the old Mr. Stinkerson science room, the Arby's, to the 10 year Arby's reunion, which is where you'll stay for the rest of the night. I wish that you had to like agree to that in high school. Like listen, everyone talked about it and you've been kind of a dick. Yeah, no. Okay. But listen, you have to go to the reunion.

No matter what. Legally sweet. Yeah. Has to go. Has to be there. I hope that at my reunion, they wheel everybody out like a debutantes ball. And like as they walk into the room, they announce every fucking detail of your life for the past 10 years.

Your mistakes, your follies, your successes. Michael has been in three hit and runs in three years. DOIs, don't get him started. You know, Antoine lost 100 pounds. Then he gained 200. Here's a great idea. If you look forward to your reunion, instead, why don't you call all the people you were friends with in high school and just like hang out with them?

Have a second reunion. Hey, Steve, I haven't seen you in a while. Let's grab a drink while I'm in town and don't fucking go to the actual reunion. But then what if, what if old Cindy Lou is there? Well, not Cindy Lou because that's the girl. That's the girl from the Grinch. Yeah, what if Cindy Lou, who is there? And now she's 22.

Remember Darren that used to flirt with in cooking class? But if he's there. Remember Mikhail? Remember Mikhail and his navy? And Tom Arnold's there and he's looking good. Mikhail always showed off his navy and he would always, remember your friend Hogan, you were those heroes? Oh, and who's that?

It's the old F troop gang hanging out on the bleachers again. What are we here? There's Debbie Gill. I feel like I have this tail to tell. I'm so glad I went to high school at Nick at 9. Coming back on our door. It's been tortuous school. And you go to school and then you learn three's company high.

All right. Oh, man. Fuck I miss John Ritter. Every day. Every goddamn day. If can we go to the money zone with the hopes that we will raise enough money to invent the science to make John Ritter come back to life? Chad, who's this first message for?

This is for Tom. Tom? Yeah. Wait, is this the Tom that knows Peter and Matt? Yes, it is. And they would like to wish Tom a happy 21st birthday for Monday the 25th of March, which we might have missed. But happy birthday.

Man, I bet they were psyched. Monday, it happened. It finally aligned. Monday's women bim-bams come out and that's his birthday. And then we blew it. We blew it. Sorry, Tom. Tom's awesome at piano and does web things and stuff.

And we're just really into Tom right now. Have you heard the new Tom? Yeah, he's not quite as like mainstream as like a gym or Dave. So, you know, I just like it's a little indie right now. I'm really into indie Tom. Oh, man. His old stuff is way better than his new stuff. I agree.

Before we went all corporate. While we're on the subject. Well, it's not really the subject of his close enough. Quick retraction. I hate to derail our money zone flow. But quick, quick, quick retraction, quick correction. That new Justin Timberlake album is fucking off the chains. And I think two or three episodes ago, I said it was, I said it was Bunko.

I think it's my exact words. And it's it is the dopest. I set my ringtone to push your love girl. I can't fucking get enough. Anyway, that's just a quick retraction. Can you can you assure me that you will edit that part and place it at a more appropriate juncture in the show? Yeah.

A more relevant juncture. We just need to make sure that like in the money zone. In 20 in the money zone. In 20 minutes from now, we just need to make sure that we very fluidly talk about Justin Timberlake. OK. Hey, I want everybody to go to Axe Cop wedding. We're going to help Ethan fund his wedding.

Now, who's Ethan you ask? Well, the Axe Cop is, as you know, a web comic written by an eight year old and drawn by a 32 year old brother. They've been creating it since they were five and 29 and have produced four graphic novels with Dark Horse Comics and have a TV show that works at Fox. Ethan, the older brother is getting married and is doing a campaign to sell artwork to raise money for his wedding. He's selling exclusive print.

There's a sketchbook and there's lots of other items items. Axe Cop wedding.com. So we're going to if you guys have not checked out. Guys, Axe Cop. I've I I can't remember when I first got involved when I started doing Axe Cop. But goddamn, it is. It is so good. Just think of it.

We're seeing. It's the best. Obviously, you want to get over to Axe Cop wedding.com and help Ethan out, but also get something for for yourself in the process because obviously altruism is a illusion and you too can help can help Axe Cop get married. But not just you too. You can also do it. Yeah.

Don't leave all the goodness to you too. They have done enough. Listen, Bono already does so much for us. So much for us. Hey, I want to wish a very happy birthday to Corrin Atchison. I hope you're enjoying it and that is comes to us from a mysterious, very dedicated MBMBA and listening partner, Corrin. I hope you know her.

We're afraid to. Otherwise, you are probably about to be killed. Oh, my God. Look behind you, Corrin. Oh, the spookiest money zone message. Very well. It's the spookiest money zone message. Corrin's very, very happy birthday was the spookiest until this next one.

When we talk about things to put down there. Hold on one second, guys. OK. I just got an email from James saying sexy Garfield is compromised. No, bitch. Yeah. Who keeps fucking leaking our shit? Our shit's leaked.

I will say this, though. I really enjoy saying the phrase sexy Garfield is compromised. And this is like Robert Redford in spy games. Is this this is still in the show, right? I mean, we're still making our show right now. Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Holy shit. This is fucking we need to get fucking Angelina Jolie. We need to get Devon Sawa. Was he in hackers? Was Devon Sawa in hackers? Was I in hackers? We need to get them on the fucking case. We need to swordfish this fuck.

Hey, fuck. If you're listening to this show and you're leaking all our fucking coupons to coupon sites. Hey, coupon hog. Can you fucking chill on it for a second, please? Give us a two week head start to get these coupons out there. Before you start hogging them all. Please? You fuck.

Just leave our coupes alone. How do you think that they figure out that it's been compromised? Do you think they get like a billion dildo requests with that coupon on it? And they're like, holy shit. That I don't know what the macro brothers said on the last podcast, but it got people lubed and too. Maybe, maybe it should be some sort of clip. Maybe the problem is we're saying it.

Oh my God. Someone's got like scanners on the show. Okay. Maybe they need to get like, you know what I'm saying right now? Okay. So I'm going to tap it out in our Morse code. Arribus. Arribus, perhaps.

Arribus. Okay. What's our new code going to be? This is maybe so angry. Well, while we think of it, let's talk about what the site is. It's a site for sexual products of so many kinds. Real. Sexy.

If you have two to three go to positions, that is clown sex. You need to spice up your life. And the way that you do that is with, you know, a rod or a pouch or, you know, metal spheres or or some kind of salve. Like all of these things are, but they're sex themed. They sell them on extreme restraints. Otherwise, you've just described all the simple mechanisms as described by Plato. I've described all of the clue murder weapons.

Extreme restraints.com is an adult super store that I have been to so many times. I am no longer offended or even moved by pictures of dicks. Or welcome in the public library. I am no longer, but the same thing is happening with boobs. I can't feel anything. So I got a one fit elastic ball stretcher for $7.95 and I sure as fuck felt that. This is how people get into this stuff. They stop feeling things from looking at pictures of boobs, boobroobs and ding-dongs.

Yeah. And then they need to stretch them out. I can only get turned on by fire hydrant sex now. That's the only thing that does it for me. And do you guys, you guys know about that, right? Oh yeah. I don't think I've heard about that one. Oh man.

It's even hard for me to talk about it without chubbing up. So when you put a pair of sunglasses on a fire hydrant, you're golf on it. They have a wide selection. It's not just sex toys. You've got to put the sunglasses on it though because it personifies it. You know what I mean? Otherwise it's just weird. They've got a, they've got.

What does that guy do? Oh, it's got sunglasses. That's fine. Never mind. It looks like a little red person. The person disguised as a fire hydrant. They got uniforms. If you want that, they've got a tank top that says police on it.

You know, like police are always wearing. And there's also one that says fireman. And there's also a tank top and a belly shirt. Yeah, I'll wear that fireman wear. I'll wear that fireman one. And then people don't ask questions. Like that's a weird looking fireman. I don't think he's doing that right.

And why is that hydrant son? Oh, he looks so cut. They don't have a video game blogger uniform. So I don't really know what to say about that. Oh, they also have erotic art. If you don't want to put your dick in something, you just want to put your eyes on it. They've got that.

You don't want to make your house guests think about putting their dicks in something. You can only have that if you are super, super, super rich. And you have a lot of really big windows. And also the erotic art is like the only decoration you have in your house whatsoever. How many zeros have to come out in your paycheck before you can have a sculpture called sexual exploration

and don't raise an eyebrow? Like how rich does that have to be? How rich do you have to be to have a hung-tied girl sculpture that costs $249? Of course you can save 20% with the coupon code not sexy garfield because that got fucking compromised. Fuck! What about this?

What about this? Leaky coupon. Leaky coupon. That's a little on the nose. It's not very erotic. How about fuck coupon sites? Yeah. And that way if it leaks they're like, oh that stinks.

Do you guys think it's China? Because China fucking hacked the New York Times and I think that we might be next. Maybe it's anonymous. And by next I mean last because we already got hit a couple of times. Why don't we use the coupon code Westboro? That would be good.

W-E-S-T-B-O-R-O. Do you think that would work out? You save 20% using the coupon code Westboro? Ira Ray. Wouldn't that, what better thank you could there be? Yeah but then like, I don't know people are gonna jerk off while thinking about Ira Ray. Like they don't already?

How about maximum chub? Because it sounds like our name and like chub is like, it's a chub is like, you know what I mean? Chub is like a power word. It's like a dragon shout. You know what I mean? How about sexy buns? Because I feel like that doesn't go in the way.

Oh, here we go. Yeah we need to get on some grandpa shit. We need to get like tushy in it. Oh, I like that. I don't know how to spell tushy. Tushy time? How about sizzle buns? How about tushy time?

I don't know how to spell. T-U-S-H-Y time. Tushy time. I went I-E so. So now we can't do that one. Okay. Tuchus? Fanny?

Oh, Fanny's good. Fanny time. Fanny time. Fanny time. Okay. Now hold on because this works on a few levels because isn't Fanny like a term for a vagina in the UK? Yep. I like it.

Perfect. Fanny time. Fanny time. All one word. All one word. 20% off you're gonna save it's dreamstains.com. So use that coupon code and go get something for sex. And then keep it secret and keep it safe.

Don't put it in print anywhere. Don't write it down. Don't write it down. Don't let anybody know. Keep it a secret. If you, if I see any of you motherfuckers, if I see hashtag FannyTime on- If I paper trail this back to you. If I- oh my god.

If I crack your IP address and I go through your proxy server and I will call your dad. And I see that you AOL, I am somebody like, hey check out this new coupon code FannyTime. I mean it's like some kind of coupon bar. I'm gonna send it to you because you don't realize the difference. I'm gonna tweet hashtag FannyTime because nothing's funding you're on the internet than when somebody asks you not to do something and you do the opposite. Oh guys. Fuck you dick.

Ooh, I will come down on you with God's own fury. Oh my god. Block from everything. Will IP ban you from getting this show every year? I will not pass over you with my bans. He will kill your firstborn son with his sculpture called Hog Tide Girl. Your first- cost $250. Your firstborn son will never even know who we are which is probably accurate for most people listening to this show.

I'm Cameron Esposito and I'm the host of Maximum Fund's new podcast Wham Bam Pow. A sci-fi movie show and action movies also. Did I forget to say action movies? Every week I'll be joined by Mr. Ricky Pomona. And Ms. Rhea Butcher. And we are going to chat about films. We're going to tell jokes.

We're going to be hilarious. We're going to play games. We're going to have guests. We're going to give reviews. It's going to blow your mind. If you want to listen to the show, you can find it at Maximumfund.org or you can subscribe on iTunes. Can you believe how many things I just listed?

So many things. Wham! That's great. My fiance and I are getting married in June and we'll be starting the process of adopting a child shortly thereafter. How nice. That's all very exciting. But one thing is already stressing me out.

We have no idea what the kids should call us. Dad and dad is too confusing. Father makes it sound like I'm going to use a whistle to summon them. Allah. Mr. Vaughn Tramp. I think it's Vaughn Tramp. I think it's Vaughn Tramp. Vaughn Tramp would be a way better movie.

Vaughn, use the coupon code Vaughn Tramp. Papa just makes it sound like I sing. I like it when you call me big papa. What are some alternatives to dad one and dad two? Or should we go full happy and just full hippy? Fuck! And just have them call us by our first names. And this is from clearly dad one in Portland.

Man, you don't even fucking realize. There is no best option. There is only a least worst option in this department and you need to fucking get down on that land grab before he snatches it up. Seriously, is there anything? We don't have the good note. We don't have good nomenclature for this. You can have he can call one of you Paul Reiser and the other one Greg Evigan.

Can we do that? I don't even get your reference, but it sounds hateful. Why would you ever call anyone Paul Reiser, Dustin? Because Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan were on the hit series My Two Dads. Someone really enjoyed that joke. I'm not. It was Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser.

Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser. Such a treat to have you, Paul.

That wasn't as mean as I thought it was going to be. Love. I love your early life stuff. You kind of lost it later, but I'm mad about you. It was not a bad show at all. Do you guys think him and Helen Hunt ever fucked? All the time. I bet they shared a trailer.

This is hard for me because I know them both so well. I didn't mean to put you in a place just just have them call you. What's wrong with dad? What? Hey, what's wrong with dad? What about daddy and dad? And then depending on who they like better in any given moment, that person becomes daddy.

I like that. Pretty sure you lifted that off an episode of Modern Family, though. Really? Yeah, just. I've never watched Modern Family, so that would be quite the treat. Yeah, I've never seen Star Wars. Here's that. But wouldn't it be cool if there were swords made of light?

That's you right now. That's you right now. I'm telling the truth. Can I tell you guys more about my two dads since you're obviously kind of out of the loop on this one? Were they Giovanni Robisi was starred on the show? Okay. Here's another fact.

At the top of the Wikipedia page, it says, for the Scrubs episode, see my two dads, Scrubs. So I don't know who the target demo is for this Wikipedia page, but it is like I accidentally stumbled on this. It is the same target audience of this goof that you are baking up, baking up in the crock pot. And only got three seasons. Did you guys know that?

I didn't because it's like remembering other things. You just booted something out of my brain that I would have preferred to keep in there. A nice recipe. Did you know that my two dads had a crossover with Nightcourt? They're in the same verse. I did not know that. Is that like when family matters and step by step crossover?

See, I know those two shows. Those are all on the same verse. That's amazing. There is a TGIF verse, right? That they are all. Well, yeah, because there was one episode. Okay. So there was one episode where Sabrina, the change,

the cat ate like some kind of magic hair ball that transported everyone through time. And he traveled through all the different shows on one night and they had like a show in the 40s, like a show in the 50s, and a show in the 60s, and a show in the 70s. Right? Okay. Yep.

Yep. All the things. But he also, so here the verses are continually connected though, because the family matters verse is linked to the full house verse. Obviously. That's in the TGIF verse. No, the step by step verse. I don't know the full house.

No, no, no, no, no. They're in the same verse. Like step by step verse, full house verse, family matters verse, they're all in the same. They're linked by Urkel. Do you guys remember Grandpa Wabi? Because I can't remember what his face looks like now. That's you just fucking replace that ram.

Steve Urkel is pen pals with Corey Matthews. So yes, the Boy Meets World verse is the same as in the TGIF verse. They're all in the same verse linked by the fucking Time Walker. The one who walks between the mentions that is Steve Urkel. Steve is the thread that ties this tapestry together. Okay, I have a suggestion for the question asker. Take it in a completely different direction, because your kids don't know shit, because there's a kid.

Hey, you're fucking idiot kid. Hey, there's a kid that knows nothing, and you're teaching him about the world. Have him call you guys like Tango and Cash. Like take it a completely different way. That's fantastic. But if the fucking social services, here's your child call you guys that.

Where'd our kid go? There's a kid shaped pup of smoke here, where a kid once stood. This is my dad's turn on hooch. Nope. This is the backseat of my Volvo. I'm taking you somewhere much safer. These are my dad's stop with my mom and shoot.

This is my dad Rocky and Rocky too. I think I misunderstood your bit. You nailed it. You're doing great. You did good. Got a new one. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah, please.

This one's sitting by IRA. Are you IRA? Who wants to know? Oh, god damn it. I always fucking guess it's always the one you don't do that I try for. We need to formalize this system off the air. Um, it's by yahoo answers.

Oh, thank you, IRA. It's by yahoo answers user Daniel, who asks, I accidentally sent a naked pic to my grandpa. How do I keep this from being awkward? I was texting and I accidentally sent a naked pic of myself to my grandpa. Don't fucking waste my time by repeating the headline. Is it right?

Is that so much to ask? It's storytelling 101. A fresh lead. I want the inverted pyramid. Why did you send a naked picture? My family is trying. Graduity struck this afternoon. Date line.

My house. He never saw it coming. My family is going to go over to his house this Monday for a family reunion. How do I keep things from being awkward to me? My grandpa loved Daniel. The only, like literally the only option you have is to try to get him arrested.

That is the only option you have. If you're ever going to have any semblance of a normal life again, he's gone now. God, I just had the meanest idea ever. Hit me. It's like mean, it's like I haven't said anything this mean in a long time. Like since I joke I made about Lou Gehrig's disease,

like this is a top fiber. That's your idea. What if you installed, what if you on your senile grandparents, you installed Snapchat and that was the only program you used to send them family pictures. Why would you do that to him? Oh, this is so-

Beautiful picture of my child. Oh, it was on here. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, I find it. It was, it was at Nag's head. He was putting his head in a big fake fish. It was really, oh God.

It was a picture of his dick. I swear to God. Hold on. No, it's, there's a picture of him and his, I've not seen the girl. I thought he had a baby. He's engaged too. I haven't met her yet.

I thought he had, I- It was just on these darn things. I don't know how to work. My wife has just squirt off listening to our podcast ever again. She literally just threw the phone at a wall and said, fuck this show. Done. Oh man, you, man.

Is this needle-threadable, guys? It seems like one of those fucked up needles that the metal grows over. I think what you're gonna have to do is fake your death. Yeah, you've gotta fake your death. You're, the last picture of you living has to be the naked picture. Time to start a new life and shaboy again

as like a factory worker. You're gonna have to bruise banner now. You gotta walk the- Is it too late? Has the ship, the wacky sitcom ship of sneaking into the high school to get your failed test back? You know what I mean?

Has that ship sailed? Although inevitably you'll be kive. sitcoms have taught me anything. And then that's gonna- What are you doing with my phone? Let me see which- Oh my god. I was wondering which one of us would bring it out first.

Yes. Did you say to delete it or make it his desktop background? Stinky, because that's his friend's name. Who, he's a fuck up. Oh, is this Mr. Stinger's face? Toe jam. You fucked it. Not like that, Toe Jam.

You gotta follow it up. Send him a text message that says, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to send you that picture. I meant to send you this one and then another picture of your dick. Only that one, that one's taken- That one's taken from the bottom

so you can see your face and your face is fucking stone cold serious. Send him that and say, what do I got to look forward to? Huh? Where's it gonna be? Where's it gonna be? This is fucked up, this question.

Why did he do this to his grandpa? Here's a good thing about this situation. I know grandparents and they've never been able to open a file before. I do not see why that's going to start now. Listen, time is short. You only have three weeks before they remember to check their phone.

I'm a guy and my best friend's a girl. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. Hopefully something more soon. But it doesn't stop people from accusing us of hooking up every time we see each other. This includes our families and other close friends. This is really starting to get on our nerves.

How do we deal with this? That's from apparently untrustworthy Melbourne. I tell you what- Can I, Justin, can I just say real quick? Your parentheticals are so good. Thanks, Trevor. I really appreciate it. Listen, I'm tired of people saying

we are dating my senior naked picture myself. That's going to shut these rumors up for good. Yeah, I think the only thing you can do is really just come out and confess it. You're fucking- I know you are. I know that you're muddying up that. Guys and gals can't be friends. Yep.

Neither can farmers and cowhands. Fuck you. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. No, who cares? Everybody? I mean, I don't understand. Do you- oh, wait a minute.

Oh, wait a minute. I think maybe this is like a Nick and New Girl situation. Oh, we're talking a little short. Everybody else sees it. Oh, man, you're looking a little tense after that harmless kickball game you played. Let me rub- let me rub those thighs. That might be a little forward.

Maybe it's a bad one. It's fine. Let me stick it to the back. Let me caress your legs. Let me look at your legs. Your butt looks sore. Let me check it. Let me rub your butt to prove we're not dating.

I feel nothing. This is just a friend boner. This is like a big bag of pudding. Oh. I feel nothing. I am not attracted to this. This is the worst romantic novel audio book I've ever heard. He squiggled it around and it was pretty cool.

He liked the way it felt on his hands. It ran over his hands like a babbling brook the butt did. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the oak leaves and placed them tenderly, tenderly, so so tenderly upon the hydrants brim. We are going to do this so good, the hydrant said. She jolips down onto his lap like a bag of kids. What about your G if she asks? Oh, don't worry about her.

Mustang time. It's Mustang time. Let's undulate together. Their bodies. Oh, their face slapped together kissing. They slapped and flapped and they clapped. And it was so good, guys. It's hard for me to describe how good it was,

but you have to trust me. If you had seen this, buckets. Their bodies were like one of those big nets of crabs from Dudley's catch. And not one of the boats on the show as well. I don't know the names. That would have been better. Edit that in later.

Okay. Wizards game or something. Time bandit. Time bandit. Was that one of them? I think so. Crab master. I think our master was in there.

Life of Brian. Brian's song. Done. Claw game. This episode is really just for us. Do we even need to pub this one, or should we just like give it to each other for Christmas on Jump Drives?

I think they'll promise. Anytime we record an episode during the evening. Yeah. I think our syntax is so different. Fucking high on allergy medicine right now, too. Because that's what I do at 6 p.m. It's jacked. So this has been our show.

We didn't answer that question at all. Oh, okay. Just, yeah, we did. Tough it out. If you think about it, we really did. Think about, the answer is coded in there. You got to think about it. Yeah.

Yeah. I see it, and you have to kind of cross your eyes a little bit and look through it. You can't look at it. And then it appears like a hologram. So thank you to everybody so much for listening to the show. Thank you for those who are patient on Monday and didn't like complain about a new episode.

We were. Thanks to all the neat people. I met this weekend. Seth Ryder. I met him. I met, I came and get into names. I met so many fucking people. It was so much fun.

Yeah. It was really cool. Man, I wish we could have done some max fun, like some mabimbam shit up there. Did everybody miss me? Just like nobody. Asked about you, which is weird. Nobody asked about me?

Yeah. That's okay. I like to remain mysterious. It's like, if you met Joey Lawrence, you wouldn't be like, oh man, where's Andy and Zeppo? Oh, the fuck I wouldn't. Yeah, I guess he would. Zeppo was on Boy Meets World.

And Andy played a clone movie on the Disney Channel. Hey guys. Hey fucking guys. Hit me. The 2013 Max Fun Drive is next goddamn week. Whether you are already a devoted monthly member of Max Fun or you've never even thought about donating before, dick.

At least think about it. You know what I mean? To have never had. At least cross your mind. Yeah. Either way, I'm sorry about calling you a dick. Either way, tune in beginning April 1st. We will be running some of our best shows of the year.

We usually do some long form goose, which is good because after hearing this one, you're thinking like that, but more of it. Doing awesome giveaways and tippeding you with thank you gifts, like our all new intimate sensations pack. What's that you ask? Oh shit. It is we don't know, but it's for your butt or your dick or your clam.

Oh no. By which I mean your vagina. It's from Extreme Restraints and it's a thing for your butt or your dick or vagina. Great. So great. So don't miss it. It starts April 1st, runs for just two weeks. Tune in, show us your support and catch the best episodes that we gots to offer.

And here's the important thing, you guys. We provide, it's so great to be part of this community and we all kind of do this. Seriously, can't stress that enough. Seriously, can't stress that enough. It's the coolest fucking community ever. I'm not talking out of my ass. It's the only community on the internet that is 100% cool people. And the important thing is that you guys all pick us as your favorite and we win Max Fun Con.

Yeah, definitely. We win Max Fun Drive. It's a competition. It's not so much about us winning, it's everyone else losing. Yeah, second place first loser, pain is weakness leaving the body and that's why we need to be first in Max Fun Drive. Third place is you're fired. And if you are not the lead dog, then sit on the porch and sniff some butts.

I found the pledge gifts. Can we talk about these? Or is it a secret and tall? Let's give it a secret, just two. All right, I'm looking at it though and no shit, it's the best it's ever been. No, not shooting you. It's fucking amazing. Oh shit.

Oh my god, the intimate sensations pack you guys. It really does have something for everything. All the holes. All of them, it's got belly button stuff. Anyway, so that is next week. Again, like the episodes are usually longer and we'll have a bonus episode also. I don't know if you mentioned that. Is there anything else?

Oh, thanks, Sean, Roger. Can the long winters for these for our final theme song? Our final theme song. This is it. This is the last one. Hit! We were thinking about switching to Santa Elmos. Thinking about switching to Santa Elmos Fire in sweeps.

But no, since final. It's our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a good one. It's an oldie. Is it an oldie yet? If I turn it on, 101.5 the RIV. Am I going to hear it?

Definitely, definitely. I'm not because it's not Bob FM. I'm definitely not going to hear it on Bob FM. And finally, some jokes everyone can enjoy. Bob FM's worldwide. We got Bob FM here. It's the radio station. It thinks he's a person, which is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

It's a radio station. It's a radio station he knows how to love. His jams are real, but he is not. Thank you for listening or whatever. And this has been my brother, my brother, and me. Here's your fourth and final question. You really want this to be over, don't you? Justin just fell asleep.

Both of my cats are in my office now. Oh, it's cuddle time. I'll hurry it up so you can get the sandwich in your face too. Snug a clock. Time to snug out. Nick Jensen sent this one in. Thanks, Nick Jensen. It's by a who answers user, Mikayla, who asks,

What is Taylor Swift's favorite foods at Cracker Barrel? Adjust the macaroy. I'm Travis, an acroy. A different acroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Screw you. We're out of lips.

Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.