My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 146: Kenan By Way of Kel

Episode Date: April 2, 2013

It's our first Max Fun Drive 2013 episode! We've got an extra long episode for you this week, featuring a showdown between the McElroys and their longtime rival-in-advice, Dan Savage. Four podcasters enter! All four leave, the best of friends. Suggested talking points: Halo Opportunities, Schadenfreude, Fabinets, Roll-Ups, Rough Mouth Stuff, A Half-Inch of Spume, Bangarang, Straight Survivor, Cleaning Montage, Walgreens Lifer, Secret Cats

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new craze And the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it Just say, hey, I want it Beep beep, all aboard, money car

Why, the car is so small, we can't fit, we can't fit more than like three people in a car As the trolley pulling into the station, it's made of money How about this, I like this, I like this analogy better Ticket please, because you've been riding our comedy train for three fucking years And if you don't hand me that ticket, we're gonna throw you off, we'll ban your IP Hey, it's me, the Piper, what's up? Hey, Piper's here, it's me, Piper Paribot, time to pay for your favorite comedy podcast Thanks, Billy Piper, sincerely, celebrity endorser, Billy Piper

This is Billy Maze here for a new product that you've been using for three years I'm come back from the dead, I'm a spectral form now to tell you you've been listening to this podcast for three years Time to chunk up the change, is that it? Time to chunk up the change with my brother, my brother, me, Special Pledge Drive Podcast, it's time to pay the Piper, we got a big show for you today, we bet As we record it, I'm sure its size will be revealed to us It will be big, do you guys want to say anything on the podcast? Guys, thank you so much for your support

Because I'm assuming that you heard on Twitter that it was max fun drive time and you immediately clicked the link And you immediately just dropped you just immediately junked us right there right there on the spot You plumped it down a big one and I and I also appreciate you. I assume Choosing mbmbam as your favorite podcast on the website Hobbes And tweeting about it and telling all your friends That there should be a shame to themselves for not doing the same We just we just jumped right into it. Look the max fun drive if you are a new listener

This is our third go-round with the drive with the pleasure. It's a two-week long E event That our parent company you could just say event E event that our parent company sets up is a fundraiser You can help support us and and other amazing shows on the max fun network We do extra the super length episodes. We have bonus content. We have pledge gifts We're gonna get to all that and more, but it's a special time. It's a special time to be part of the max fun family that boy griffin you said a mouthful

um and This year is like none other we've got a ton of great pledge gifts to tell you about but there's gonna be time for all that First let's just get into the advice. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother Travis McElroy I'm your sweet baby griffin McElroy to this week's show. I'm gonna say all the syllables wrong Let's get the first kuyo yo es yo I'm 26 I have a degree in animation But I decided a year ago that it just wasn't what I wanted to do

I've begun a track for computer science programming but thoughts of My never ever nearing death have had me thinking of other ways to spend the remaining days on this sweet earth I've always wanted to be a pilot specifically flying helicopters But training is expensive and the career path takes quite some time to move up Should I go even further into that to taste my dream? Or should I follow the money and spend the rest of my days in a cubicle?

That's from feeling shackled in Chicago I I am in no way being flippant What jobs are there for a helicopter pilot? Yeah, okay. There's hospital guy. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah You could work for like park rangers for like when fucking idiot Aaron Ralston's out there get pinned You could go with uh News chopper. That's a good thing right sure for guys one Uh, another one is uh army man army guy army man army man

tourist guy Oh, yeah tourist guy like that would probably be the sweetest Like most lending itself to a usa Action drama our action comedy drama in the vein of sycoburn notice Kevin Costner both of those by the way just got picked up by the escrow network pretty cool network. You got going on there What was that fucking movie with ash ash con ash and kutcher Sorry, it was ash kutch And it had kevin costner and they were people in helicopter and then people would be drowning in the ocean and they would get them

10 companies dive buddies dive buddies with ash ash and kutcher Um, you could be one of him. So yeah, it doesn't seem like there are a lot of career ops It seems like like a lot of people would want to do that It seems like one of those jobs that maybe you don't get paid Basically anything because everyone's like, yeah, you get to be in a helicopter all day That's my greatest reward. Oh fucking you can be man. I bet you bachelor employees So many people. Oh my god. Yeah. What if you started your own like limousine style helicopter business? That's probably not legal is it? I will take you to prom the helicopter business

Does your high school have a landing pad? No, fuck it. We'll improvise How are you? How are you at halos? How are you at high altitude? landing If you don't capitalize on these opportunities you are gonna have these unbroken legs I think that you should as far as your actual question I can't I mean We usually say like follow your bliss, but it sounds like you're doing that too much If you need to pick something that's your bliss and just chase that this bliss sounds fucking dope though

It does here. Is it is it something you can do like like uh pilot lessons where you could like be an amateur Helicopter pilot, but maybe that's not like your career path But like you have a license to do it. You could do it if you wanted to but it's not your day job Is that crazy is that a thing you think you're talking about recreate? It's not like fucking like pottery It's not like you build an attachment in your garage You can do that as a pilot you can go to like a small airport and like get your pilot's license Even if you're not like a commercial airline pilot. Hold on. Hold on. That's something you can do Yeah

Hey, uh guys, I've had fun doing this podcast, but I just got a new hobby Peace I got a hobby in this in the fucking clouds now Uh-huh. Well, so you're saying he should be a computer scientist who as a hobby Helicopters. Yeah, I think that could eat up a lot of his Oh, it's not cheap You gotta you gotta feed and house the helicopter, which is already expensive And you never own your own helicopter You gotta lease it

Yeah, if you don't take good care of your helicopter the helicopter social services will come by and be like oh Come here little buddy. What did he do to you? What have they been feeding you? I've seen helicopter cops houston and it is some messed up shit down there. I was thinking of cattle I got helicopter's confused with cattle again It sounds like helicopter pilot sounds like fun, but it doesn't really sound like a career that you want to do It sounds like you just want to kind of fly helicopter, which is also fine but

I don't think that you should bail on the I don't you don't have to make it your career. You can just be a guy that also flies helicopter I have an idea a safer plot What if you were a dude who did the computer science and programming for helicopters? Okay, okay, what if you worked? But like what if you worked for an aerospace company that made helicopters? Holy shit? You program the artificial intelligence Of the air wolf helicopter. I need writer two night writer sky rider cloud writer

Oh, there it is It's called. It's my new show. It's called air wolf two night writer colon sky rider comma cloud rider and it stars a ghost writer who's who's a computer scientist that programs an ai for a Helicopter and it also makes a cartoon about the helicopter that he draws and he's a billionaire He's a billionaire. He's so happy with all kinds of people all the time So look out for like keep it locked to upn keep it on the squire channel Can we get can we put some tits on that helicopter? Done

I got another question for you guys. I'm taking talking fuck I'm talking to my friend who is a lady and she came to me feeling bummed out I tried to cheer her up just by being positive and making her laugh And although she did laugh she seemed slightly annoyed for a second. Is there a certain? Chemistry between people who are feeling depressed and those who are trying to cheer them up that creates bad tension Or could I be experiencing a taste of shot and froze? It's from jimmy. I just shot him for a man. I long For a lifestyle where I can think this much about what other people feel

This seems like you're a really a considerate person and I wish I had that inclination You're saying you fucking witnessed a micro expression on this person's face You need to get in the police interrogation biz like yeah, he smiled but his eyes For a millisecond we're so angry and that's how I knew he was lying about the treasure Hey guys side note because it just occurred to me. Do you think in countries like england where bum You know they say bum for but the word bummed out means something like completely different. Oh my god I mean to hump their butt so hard that inside of their butt comes to be the outside of their butt She was really bummed out. She was really she was bummed out so hard that she died

Why do you make it tragic? She died from bum loss It was it was awful. Listen guys time loss is bum loss exactly I uh, I think here's one that I had to learn the hard way sometimes When your friend or or significant other comes to you and is upset or depressed or angry Sometimes they don't want to be Cheered up. I know exactly what you're saying. Sometimes they just want you to

Say that it is in fact shitty what is going on. Mm-hmm. Sometimes they just want to vent Sometimes they just want to know that what they did was right because like when you're trying to tear them up and be like Hey, man, it's gonna be okay. They're like, yeah, I know it's gonna fucking be okay. I'm an adult who knows the situation I'm just saying it sucked at this time the idea though for us Specifically for the three of us and our fam and growing up coming up mackerel Coming up macroys a new name of the podcast coming to esquire channel coming up macroi three zany bros um The idea of something being not a laughing matter was like

incomprehensible, so like I still have no I still obviously if somebody's like, yeah, uh, basically my whole family just died like I wouldn't be like, oh, well time to bat man Sometimes that is actually a fear in my life that that I'll make a joke like that Just everyone in the room will slowly turn to me horrified. I'm like, why would you say that our podcast is just an hour of that Yeah, I don't know. I'm really bad at that when like somebody is like Really pissed off about something and I'd be like, yeah, well at least Here's a joke about ryan locti and then they'll be like this isn't This isn't that that I wanted I wanted something different

I find it best that when someone comes to be bummed out just to like listen and say like, yeah, man I know rather than try to be like grass is always greener Sunshine's tomorrow. There's always another day silver lining because that that shit can get annoying Unless it's you know unless you get the feeling that that's what they're looking for but don't just assume that But should you if that's your natural inclination though? Oh if you're like mr. Sunshine No, that's my question is like It is my natural inclination To try to cheer somebody up if they're upset. I mean that it is just my natural impulse

Is it right that I should subvert that Because it's what the other person wants. I mean is that case by case, isn't it? It's case by case. I don't I don't think you can say it's It's it's standard in uniform Let's let's let's role play let's role play and you guys can come out in different ways I'll be somebody who's depressing you guys you guys come at me and see just how you handle the situation. All right, Travis. You'll be the comforting Empathizer okay, and I'll be like

Chuckles okay man My man It's you know They just burn notice got picked up by sq. I'm worried that they're gonna change the plot and just like everything Everything fucking sucks today. Yeah, man. I hear you whoo Like that's the character. That's it. That's all you that's the fucking way

What do you want like yeah, I know I hear they also picked up psych. Am I right? They're gonna ruin it. I hear they're getting rid of delay. They wouldn't dare That would be the biggest mistake. I know right and now it's shut up because we're talking about delay God, you know the ways to I know right cortex All right now. It's my turn. Okay All right, go ahead Griffin. You want to set up again? Uh, please do you want the same one or do you want me to talk about another problem in my life? Because right now that's really the most pressing thing I have. Uh, same one same one. Okay. Okay

Yeah, I don't know. It's just you know, I used to just I knew which channel burn notice was on it was on USA Yeah, TNT. I used to just turn it on channel 32 USA That's where USA lives on my tv I would turn it on and just let it fucking cruise because I knew where the plot was going new the characters are going now Who knows boy griffin whenever I feel the way you're feeling. You know who I turned to My puppet friend walter. Hey, thanks for having thanks for getting me out of the box You're just doing jeff dunham. I think you're doing a jeff dunham thing I think he's actually doing uh, the beaver the mil Gibson movie the beaver which started even puppet named walter

You're doing jeff beaver. It's me. Jose jalapeno. Honestly. No, it's definitely Hold on now. Let there be no let there be no doubt about it. He has gone full dunham We have it. I'm sorry listen gentlemen. Justin's gone full dunham. There is only one punishment for me. You guys got me Uh, it's it's Ahmed the dead terrorist silent thank you. I can flip the kill switch I kill you. I kill you sweet protocol protocol black Sexy garfield. He's compromised sexy. Comfort is going to compromise flood it flood the station Guys my office is filling with water blow it blow the diodes release the biotoxin. We're done. Diodes just blew in my office. What are you guys doing? The only way to kill Justin is to poison with the biotoxin while he's drowning and being electrocuted

Once he gets going on that dunham tear. He becomes like the fucking juggernaut. You know who's like the fucking juggernaut my friend Bubba j Why do you know so many jeff dunham puppets? Cuz I'm on wikipedia. You dumb fuck Who's the dumb fuck now google knows what's up with you and you're jeff dunham lust Have I talked about the I as soon as I moved to austin I was like meeting people and I was meeting people who knew Like my friends and it's that weird time and you don't know like whether this person is going to become a close friend of yours Or just an acquaintance that you're going to meet exactly once how I was meeting those people

And for some reason I started using whether or not they like jeff dunham as a metric and there is a horrifying Horrifying amount of people who fucking swear by that dude's brand of comedy It and it's the people you least expect because I'd be like hanging out with me Like you're really cool I think you're gonna be one of my new friends in this hometown and then I would make a jeff dunham joke and they'd be like I don't understand why you're I don't understand why you're making fun of jeff dunham because like his shit's so on point Travis, I'm sorry. Are you a bigger jeff dunham fan than I knew or are you like completely ignorant about the work of jeff dunham?

huh Okay, you know he was on ellen he was also on 30 rock Which makes me think that maybe this dude, maybe maybe maybe Maybe he's one of those guys that has like worked up this whole persona But in real life is like god. I know that this is like the stupidest shit But for some reason they love it like larry the cable guy. You mean exactly like larry the cable guy One name behind the scenes is like, please call me laurence. Please. My name is laurence cable doctor I went to cable university for seven years to get my doctorate in cabling

I can't believe I've sung to such a level I got that program finished Like god or dun is like his thing Sure I recently found out the men I work with make more money than I do I'm a lady working as a carpenter Cabinet maker really in a small old-fashioned town where the chance getting hired anywhere else is not likely I'm really mad, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Can you help?

That's from equality challenge on the east coast Well, you've come to the right place. You've come to just the right place as white men. We Ah, dammit. Can you carve secret messages in the cabinets? Like what like when people buy the cabinet inside it was it says like made by an underpaid woman. Yeah Oh, that's way better than what I thought you're going with it. I thought you meant like magic spells to make it like Indian in the cupboard Uh, oh my god. Wait. Holy shit. Wait a minute Travis are you saying that you think she should carve incantations into the cabinets? Listen, all I'm saying is the Indian in the cupboard cupboard had to come from somewhere, right?

Okay, so it's like a pier magically in the little boys bedroom This is great. You put monopoly money in there close it and then all of a sudden you've that's like you've You've you you create a toy version of the lily led better act and you put it in there And then it's it's it's been ratified into law. Have you thought about asking for more money? But that's horseshit. She shouldn't have to why don't you put your fucking boss in the cupboard turn him into a toy You'd probably it's probably a small cupboard though. You probably have to fucking kill him You know, I'm so embarrassed now you guys because I've just remembered that in India and they covered it's not the cupboard at all It's the key because at one point he uses it on a chest and that's how he goes to visit a little bear

I'm so right. Oh, yeah, this is humiliating We'll probably have to delete this question for the show Because people are listening like it's the key you dumb fucks all the people I'm like indian in the cupboard forums are just like, oh my god. I can't believe key master 73 just said that I can't believe it. He's got key in his username And it's why didn't he know that his avatar is a key. I think talking to your boss is probably a good first option Uh, at least opening that discussion Thread so may I suggest something much more passive aggressive

Of course. Thank you. So say you're getting paid 77 cents on the dollar, right? You should start doing 77 of the normal work of everyone else or make all your cabinet parts 77 smaller than spec then spec requires then the blueprint has demanded And then the boss comes to you and he's like, hey, what the hell? He'd be like, oh, this is all i'm getting paid for Oh, sorry, you only paid me to put saloon doors on this cabinet. Sorry. Sorry Yeah, I know it's supposed to be for for private unmentionables, but now people are going to be able to see the tops I know that this was your unmentionables cabinet I'm a small i'm a carpenter who works at an independent

Unmentionables cabinet agency. We build eight. We build cabinets to spec It's a small town with small unmentionables ideals And now my doors are going to be even smaller because fuck these pigs Why don't you carve that in your fucking cat? Fuck these pigs. I hope you enjoy your cabinet It's made by it's made by hate pigs Are you all are you maybe the youngest? Are you the most not it not even like physically the youngest but the most junior member of the staff? Is that possible?

Or is that just me like wishing the glass ceiling wasn't there? I actually know from other details from a longer email that she said that she is not that there have been that have been hired Sensor. Well, that's dog shit. Well, that's dog shit. Tell us who they are and we'll tell everybody not to buy their fucking misogynist cabinets or start carving Like a you need to come up with some branding and carve that into the cabinet and then we say only buy cabinets that have That have equality challenge on the east coast brand on it or start your own cabinet company with us Fabbinets fabbinets. Yes equal

Equal blinlets Equal blin Equal abin equal in venance equal venance hernature Oh my god, that's pretty good, right? Yeah Yeah, so we'll start that company and fuck those guys hernature fabbinets If you don't buy a hernature fabbinet, you're putting your clothes in the garbage The good news is I watch shark tank like one person can start a revolution You you've got to go and tell this story

To all the sharks and they'll be like i'm gonna gobble this up. You hook you hooked me Um, and you'll have a million. Can I say something though to please I do not think they'd bite I do not think they'd bite for hernature fabbinets Why? It just doesn't seem particularly lucrative. You're charging a premium You're charging a premium for for an ideal and that is i'm just saying mark cuban. It's not gonna fucking Not gonna bite that bait Will if you get his kids involved mark cuban will always invest

If you if the product involves his kids, I saw him give a woman An 18 year old girl an 18 year old girl fight. Well, I guess 18 year old woman technically adult woman $500,000 for her eczema skin product line because his kids have eczema. That's it That's it. You make hernature toy fabbinets. Mm-hmm. What do you what do your kids got? They where are your kids gonna put their fucking eczema medicine mark They're gonna put them in a hernature fabbinet It's got a little picture of eczema on it So the kids know what what is stored in this particular unit and they got fine characters like laurence the cable gentleman

Lawrence the scaly cable gentleman He applies he's in this caricature. He's applying a salve. He's applying a salve to his rotten rotten flesh Of balms and salves necessary to keep your keep your ship right it's max fun drive time and We couldn't be more excited to to present

I guess this uh, this this the donation rewards this year because they are fantastic Let's talk though first about where your money is actually going, you know Uh, it's going to it's going to the maximum fund network to expand the network And bring on new shows, which I don't know if you've been paying attention You really didn't have to be this year To notice all the fucking shows that have been added to the max fund network It's been like out of control rapid expansion. We got one bad mother. We got risk was this year. I think

Yeah, memory palace was this year memory palace was this year Uh throwing shade wasn't this year was it? I don't think so. I feel like that's been more than a year Um with dave hill Dave hill's podcasting incident is this year Uh, wampam pal our new podcast that I don't even think we've talked about with our good friends camera. Esposito and uh and Rio butcher and and ricky carmona I don't know if you guys listen to other shows other than ours. It may be presumptive to even suggest that you don't Um, but like seriously, it's it's an amazing network of of comedy that really is not

Reproduced anywhere else. Um, and it's not just us. It's it's you guys too like the maximum fund community I feel like i've been stressing this a lot lately, but it's it's this unique perfect community of like no dicks Um, so like that I think is special and that is worth supporting. So uh, I whenever you donate it helps us Make more money from from doing the show and spend more time on the podcast And and do more stuff. We bought new mics I think you'll notice after we joined the quality of our podcast got much much better And not only that like if you're looking to donate

There are so many different levels and you'll find one that fits your budget something you can handle For the year it's um, you know, it's separated donation by month It starts from five dollars a month all the way up to two hundred dollars a month There's going to be a level that works for you and all of those levels contain gifts Thank you for for helping out with the network. Yeah, I give ten dollars You're going to be a friend of the family. That means you're going to get some awesome Max fun earbuds or uh earbuds with the distinctive max fun logo on the the ear part that goes into your ear

Uh, and you're also now which part is because sometimes I plug like the audio jack in there That's where the sound hole goes. Um, like the holes in your face where sound goes into Oh, yeah So that's uh, that's at the ten dollar a month level Um, and you're also going to get at any donation level. You're going to get some really cool exclusive bonus material We record a special episode

of Of our program and there's a whole wealth of Prior year bonus material in there that you can get in and and including an episode we recorded with our daddy Mm-hmm and including some video of one of our live shows. So that's right. Yeah, there's a lot of Lot of digi content not just for us, but for all of the all the maximum fun shows Um If you are feeling a little bit more supportive, is that that randy and randy, uh, there's a 20-dollar month Uh

Group you can go with the diamond friendship circle. You get the bonus episode. You get the earbuds You also get this is the fucking dopest the intimate sensations pack an erotic fucking survival kit Fucking survival kit from extreme from extreme restraints, which includes a pocket-sized vulva field turbo massager It massages it whatever you want it to massage. Maybe you've got a sore back. Maybe you've got a hard balls Maybe you got the hardest balls. It's got attachments. So like I don't even know what the attachments are But I'm sure there's one for your back and one for your balls

Uh, there is also and this is the best rocket lube Which is a high quality water-based maximum fun branded lubricant For your parts for your down there for your parts are for other parts for other people's parts Have you ever shoved it in and it you used a lube that was average fun? That's it's not it's just not cutting it doesn't cut the mustard. Have you ever used mustard? That's that's absolutely ineffective. That is not even an option. That is negative fun lube We're talking about maximum fun lube. You know, there's also a black satin mask In case you don't want to see somebody putting mustard on your on your balls and hitting you with a massager

Uh, thank you darks or friends at extreme restraints.com for that You also get a max fun rocket tea if you want to let people know what kind of lube you use Sure, absolutely. And uh, and for 35 bucks, you're going to be in judge john hodgeman's justice squad Which is going to net you two really sharp looking maximum fun Shot glasses They're actually they're rock glasses. They're like the rocks glasses. I'm sorry. I didn't tell them the from the scale What's the they're engraved with the max fun rocket? Uh, they're they're beautiful. They're fucking classy

I'm trying to think of what the it's not a highball glass. What is it tumbler glass, isn't it? Yeah, it's thick. It's got a thick bottom on it This is a this is a glass that you put ice in and then you put a brown liquor on top of that ice Now here's the thing maybe you're like me and you're sitting there going yeah, but I I joined last year I became a donor last year Well, thank you so much for all your support for continuing to support us throughout the past year and you know the the coming year And you think but all these gifts they sound great How do I get on board with this and it's easy all you have to do is upgrade

To a higher level so I went and I decided to become A justice squad member this year so that I could cash in on all of these sweet presents Yeah, we're not just we're not just podcasters. We're we're donors too. That's how that's how we that's how you know It's legit We would never I would never want to belong to a club that I'm not a member of as Woody Allen once said in his hit film members only You you will however, even if you don't upgrade you still have access to all that exclusive donor content, but you can't shove that donor content in your pussy and butt

Yeah, you know what I mean, and if you try it's gonna be super dry because you're using a dry jump drive You need max fun lube max some fun Dot org forward slash donate And make sure to tell them mb mb am sent you and where your favorites Griffin, how about uh, you gotta get a yahoo for us. I have a treasure. I have a treasure trove Delightful yahoo answers. These are some particularly heady nugs As any choice nugs. I've stumbled on to the forbidden yahoo's. Um, what do you got? I'm I'm afraid that These yahoo's may be above our adversarial adversarial

Advice ability pay grade. Uh-oh. That sounds like truck. That sounds like we've never Had well, okay more accurately. We've had many questions that we don't know how to answer But that's never stopped us before right, but it's a new year In april 23 it's a new us. It's I think I think we need to realize our deficiencies and I think we need to Reach upwards. Okay for a hand that we can grab that can pull us up I have I have uh, I have someone on on my speed dial That I turn to and maybe I can get him on the phone. Hold on one second. Let me try to call him On the phone. This is fun

That's not the standard skype noise and you only dialed six you only dialed six numbers bloop Okay, that's seven. Okay, so is he local? No, shut up. Shut up. Pring pring pring pring Pring pring he said he didn't answer. Hello. Hello. Excuse me. Hello. Hello. Hello Hi, who's this? Uh, this is dan savage Oh my god, dan savage. How did you have dan savage's number? Uh, I had a question. Why didn't you know it would be dan savage when you called them? Why are you surprised by it? I um Did you mean to call fred savage?

He's right next. I have all the savages in my book together fred savage is who I call when I need sex advice, so I was that was my big question is is who watches the watchman who gives the sex advice to the sex advisor fred savage Okay, well question answered and then when and when fred and I are stumped we go to chris savage of myth busters That man has never had a sex Griffin, what's the uh, what thank you first off so much for joining us dan griffin has some as he says choice choice Sorry griffin choice nugs Choice heady the dankest herb. Okay. Uh, that yahoo has to offer Do we need do we need to introduce dan or is he a man that requires no introduction?

Hopefully if you're listening to our dumb show, you know that dan savage Uh began the inconspicuous project with his husband terry. He has the sex advice column savage love And also the sex advice podcast. Yeah rival rival sex advice rival sex advice podcast Uh, no rivals. We we share the podcast network together. There's room enough in this world for all four of us So long as you three stay in one podcast If you branch out into three podcasts, there's no room anymore for us and we will go to war Oh, those would be some lonely lonely podcast You guys stay in your straight podcast ghetto all three of you together

Uh, we and and only one of us knows actually knows what we're talking about. So that's um Uh, that's one more than knows what they're talking about on my podcast. So you got one on got that on me Griffin i'm ready hit me with this first question Um Yeah, let's let's get into it. How about this one? Uh, it was sent in by katherine hoffman. Thank you katherine It's by yahoo answers user tony who asks How long can you wear edible underwear? Plan to surprise the lady for valentine's day problem is I need to work that day and I will not have time to change

Before I see her. Is it okay to wear it for long periods of time? I work in construction Oh, no, that's the worst thing you could have said at the end That is not a real question. That's not a real question. You guys you're getting faked out No one has ever in the whole history of edible underwear ever worn edible underwear, which are fruit roll-ups in the shape of panties Sure Pass pass. No, it didn't happen. No What happens to all the edible underwear then do you just get desperate realize you have no fruit roll-ups in the house and just go for it Yeah, you pack them into your kids lunch

Send them off to school Do you at least cut them into fun shapes, or do you just like Just sort of let her go a helicopter parent when you bother your dad Let your kids cut your kid can't tear it apart with his teeth like everybody else with fruit roll-up under these are some tough panties You're tearing all the kids creativity away too. Let the kid tear the panties into whatever shapes he wants to exactly Also as somebody who has Dived so deep into yahoo answers who's i'm i'm perpetually stuck in yahoo answers limbo I am not convinced that there isn't somebody out there

Who wears edible underwear for their comfort? For their just you know for the thing is the thing is the missing part there though The leap you haven't made is there might be somebody out there wearing edible underwear But no one in the whole history of edible underwear has ever slept with that person or any other person who wears a little underwear Oh, I see that that person wears edible underwear in theory that they might one day in practice have sex with somebody But it's never gonna happen sure But if there were such a fucking psychopath on there, they would be an active user in the yahoo answer service That is a hundred percent true griffin. How about another how about another question? I want to help someone today. This is our chance

um How about this it was sent in by emily wall. Thank you emily. It's by yahoo answers user drop dead gorgeous who asks Well idk how I would ask this but um, how do you touch a girl's boobs? You see I've touched her boobs before but idk if I did it right and I got real nervous Also, how do you do it while her shirt is still on? Dan, I should have warned you before we started uh, sometimes our show can get a little blue So I I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Uh, things do get a tad racy We talk about things that could be observed as being sin in the eyes of the lord. Yeah, so just a heads up just a heads up

Uh, how do you touch it? Okay, if you know about this, I would love to hear it. Uh, how do you touch a girl's boobs? with permission Number one. Yeah key thing. I would start with consent Absolutely, have you tried being super attractive and charming and like saying dope shit? To women that does seem like people who are on on on all sides of the court People who are very attractive and say the right things all the time. They seem to To touch the most privates. I've also found that women really like it when you pretend to be a dj on their boobs No, I don't think that's

100 of the time every I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to defer to you guys on this you're three straight guys, right? I've only ever touched a girl's boobs under duress in my teen years when I was trying to prove I was right And I'm sure I was bad at it I crowded subway car perhaps. I mean No girlfriend. I had girlfriends I said dope shit and I got a girlfriend Do dick shit that I didn't want to do with her and it was a disaster Apparently pretending your girlfriend is andy gibbs is not a form of birth control

I mean, there's a lot of methods you can I'll tell you this don't go to yahoo answers to ask this Because one the the top answer is who cares just grab it. That's not it That's a hundred percent the wrong one. Oh, that's not right even with consent just like blindly just like Just latching on like an alien, baby. Just going with going with the double crab claws Like a drunk guy looking for the light switch Have you guys all had sex with more than one woman each? At the same time no

In sequence, I'm just I would assume that women Different women enjoy having their boobs touched differently. You know some guys like to have their balls slapped and some guys just like to have them cupped Right. Yeah the same I like having one ball slapped and the other one cupped at the same time. That's a big trick That's a good trick or you can do I like to be like that uh that desktop thing where you swing one and then they kind of Clack against each other. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention this is I mean obviously Justin and Travis knows this because they're my brothers But dan I have super loose balls They are crazy crazy crazy loose. It's well

You should do your kagels and you can actually get there's a surgery where they take in your scrotum It's not a lot of nerve endings in the scrotum so you can safely have that That adjusted for you. Yeah. Well, I'll see about that. See you are goddamn. You're good at this. Yeah, you know things Yeah, I know things Inside at least a few things before we start doing this again guys because we really don't know any Know anything I think you got to start tender and then you can ramp up from there if you if need be if the feedback you it's all about Active feedback, isn't it? It's all about doing some shit start with the most harmless shit you can and then just ramp it up

Ramp it up. Hey, can I tell you a funny story about my uncle another one of those straight guys in the world like you three? Sure It's about balls. So it's kind of relevant He was a rock star in california in the 70s of this big regional band and he used to get a lot of blowjobs from What are those things called groupies and because it was the 70s He slept with a lot of virgin groupies and that was fine with him And he likes a lot of pain during a blowjob He likes to have his balls punched and slapped and his dick bitten. Hey, uncle jimmy if you're listening. How you doing?

Welcome to the show uncle jimmy And so what he would always say uh to these girls when they would when he would instruct them on how exactly he liked his Junk just mauled is he would pat them on the head and say this is how all guys like it Oh So that when they then slept with the next rock star That's the poor guy Got his junk just fucking Beat down

And that would be my uncle jimmy late at night. He'd think oh that girl I slept with last month is now Sucking mc jagger off. Wonder how that's going Not good You're creating you're creating psychological time bombs inside of his women's sex That's actually what painted black was written about. Um, I I may have poor can you imagine like Thinking like oh you must be one of jimmy's girls. I can't believe You've been poison the well for everybody you carry his brand of

This ball trauma um That might have taken care of your loose balls couldn't she could have taken a chunk out of him and you could have stitched it right up Right. Yeah, there you go. Sure. That would have been on the lopsided, but sergeants. You can keep a secret trap griffin I needed one more question. I know you have one more Um, I have a few uh, oh this one this one. Okay. This one was sent by ballery rogers. Thanks ballery. It's by yahoo answers user d3 41255 which

I imagine it's not their christian name Who asks should mixed gender swim classes be allowed at my daughter's schools from sixth to tenth grade in pe She attends the swim unit and boys and girls have it together. Why is this allowed? Shouldn't this make the girls feel uncomfortable and give boys an opportunity to harass and humiliate girls and cause distractions and goofing off Among everybody not to mention young boys will be around with no shirt Which I think is inappropriate for girls to be a round of Wolf wow see this do I sort of I don't think I don't think there should be mixed gender relationships at all in pools and

In no situation those mixed gender relationships. They never work out Right. Well, I mean I guess In in defense of whatever principal or gym teacher is put together this particular program Uh, six to tenth grade is like there's a bubble there in a young man's life where he is incredibly sexually mature Um, and he knows how to really handle himself around, you know temptation and his female peers and that bubble lasts From ages, you know 10 to 10 to 15. So this is I mean, I don't see any problem with it I I would also say that The young men, uh, do not need any extra help to sexualize women at that point

So I think whether they're in, you know bathing suits are like full-on parkas or encased in iron maidens It doesn't matter and if the water in the pool is growing increasingly opaque over the course of the swim class If there's a half inch of spume on top of this of foamy spume There's an issue. We brought out a uv light in the place burned down It was a bad scene I am stealing that That fucking graduating class is not going to be able to look at each other on the on the fucking podium and getting their diplomas No Not that there isn't sexual tension

I must say in a single gender swim class that I had to do in freshman year at quickly preparatory seminary north A high school catholic school for boys thinking about becoming priests where I shit you not the whole title of the school Quickly preparatory seminary north Where I shit you not swim class was in the nude. We wonder where these problems What the what? Did this swim class happen next to the vomitorium because it plays an ancient room? Basically, and there were two priests on staff full-time. They were called disciplinarians They sat in an office all day having teenage boys sent to them to get spanked

I was going to be a priest until they eliminated those positions and then I thought You know what I can wear dresses just live in a big house and fuck boys without the whole ordination business Waiting list a mile long. Oh my god. Yeah, that position is like right below the pope. I mean, I love I don't have the grades I just I don't have the grades and on the community service. I'll never get the job There's a whole line of dudes. That's right and get that gig. Although, you know, I think about it If your entire high school class had all been through this This fucking obstacle course of sexuality Maybe it would like get a bunch of shit out of the way and then you could like focus on school and stuff

Maybe this would be like the most enlightened high school class ever because they don't have to think about those things Right. Uh, let me check my schedule real quick. I got a math first period and then I got English and then I got boners and I had boners all day every day for an entire semester. So like I don't I can't get boners anymore No, I think I just sensitized the boners forever, right sixth grade though Like girls are you know more developed than boys they develop faster than boys Wouldn't that be you know, you people worry about the girls being harassed or slut shamed or made to feel uncomfortable Wouldn't the boys be the ones who feel uncomfortable in sixth grade because the girls are a foot taller than they are and

Dating guys in college and there they are like still like hairless little monkeys with no hair on their nuts Wouldn't it be mortifying for the boys? Listen, Dan if I put off interacting with the girls until I'm sexually developed Uh, I don't think I would have had I wouldn't have met a woman until my late 20s. So yeah, you wouldn't be married right now I wouldn't be married right now. Yeah I don't think there's any age at which I weren't I wore sweatpants All through my freshman year of high school because I didn't want to change for gym Like and that was I was 14 or 15 at that point like yeah

Not because I was afraid of changing for gym, but I did at one point have to have uh Someone had to sit me down and talk to me about wearing dress shirts and tear away pants as a look And so I don't think there was ever a worry about me interacting with Can I tell you something? We'll make you want to get in a time machine and go blow your brains out when you're 15 when I was 15 I had a girlfriend who was my older brother's ex-girlfriend and I lost my virginity in a three way to a girl So I was I was doing well with the ladies at 15 because I didn't give a shit. I was like, all right, I guess

Just think about how many more three ways you could have been in though if you were in tear away pants That fucking pool travis would have At 15, I had also mastered button and zipper technology and I could actually get my pants off when that when the moment Well, some of us were not all that advanced down Yeah, travis doesn't have pre oh mr. Braggie McGee coming over from his podcast And so great at taking his pants off off it on off it on you would have you would have gotten more pussy when you were 15 If you were gay, that's all I'm saying Advice for everyone

Dan it before we let you go is anything we can help you with I you know, I do find that unfathomable, but okay I had girlfriends and I was 15. I had sex with girls Uh, I I never performed cunnilingus and if there's you know, say I get arrested I get thrown in prison and the men's prisons are full and I'm sent to a women's prison And there's some like bizarre set of circumstances under which I am required to perform cunnilingus. How do you do that? Yeah, okay I like to play like I'm a dj

No, the dj is not we're not doing that again. We're not going to the dj. Let me ask you something. Did you uh, Dan, did you listen to Did you listen to the radio at all in the 90s? I did there was a man. There was a I asked because there was a man named john popper Who was the front man for a band called blues traveler? And the way that he does his thing on harmonica is basically like that except Except it's like sideways. It's so are you telling me are you are you advising our friend Dan that should he be in this alternate Universe which frankly sounds a lot like a lot of the slash fiction. I've read over the year

The women the man's prison was all full. I was the only dude and uh, I you're saying he should blow I'm saying the vagina like john popper close your eyes Close your eyes and imagine the bridge from hook If the blues traveler song hook I will try I will try my best You could also close your eyes and imagine the final battle from the movie hook and just do that as well Peter pan versus dustin hoffman as captain hook now. Let me tell you this Women hate it when you shout banger rang into their vaginas

that isn't that is As long as you don't do that really you should be fine. You should be fine Anything else goes. Oh I will do it. I can Also start gentle ramp up. Maybe they do this is better advice This is better advice than a bisexual friend of mine gave who said just pretend you're trying to extract a bullet from a wound Pretend that your lady's vagina has just been bitten by a cobra Stuff that venom out get that venom out

She's got a limb damn it pretend the clit is a bullet and you are without using your teeth trying to remove it From this gunshot wound that is for business that that parenthetical in there is so vital. Yeah, it's so important Yeah, do not actually try to remove it It's in there for a reason unless unless unless You know Everybody likes something different. That's true. You just got to ask your friend to jimmy's Yeah, I was gonna say she could be the she could be my aunt jimmy I mean while we have the opportunity

Do we have any advice? I have a question for you. The uh, the three of us were raised, uh, southern baptist Um, and I'm sorry. I know our parents are wonderful people and and and and they taught us a lot of good stuff but in terms of um Becoming I guess. What's the what's the word? I'm looking more modern in our approach to sexuality we kind of all had to learn the hard way in getting rid of a lot of the Teachings lessons that we learn like from especially from that religious background the beatitudes the beatitudes for example Like is there a better path to getting out like to to unlearning those lessons rather than just looking like a dumbass enough until it gets through Well, I think when it comes to men raised in the southern baptist tradition

The quickest way to help them unlearn a lot of the sex phobia and hang ups and slut shaming and double standards Is to bend them over the sofa and fuck them in the ass really hard with a strap on dildo Is there an option b? Hey, listen, I'm not ruling anything out. I'm going to change. I'm doing I'm gonna change I'm gonna do whatever it takes You know option b is just get out there in the world and live your life and you'll encounter all sorts of different people Who disprove a lot of the bullshit that you're taught in in your faith tradition. I always raised catholic I was telling a lot of bullshit too

And you get out there in the world and you realize that it's not as simple or as Cut and dried or black and white or jesus likes this and jesus doesn't like that as your parents and your preachers and teachers Let you to believe it's a quick learning process I think jesson's hoping for a Sort of a safe environment where you can do this and maybe get it over within a week Maybe like some sort of maybe like some sort of camp experience where san francisco There should be like camps for straight guys in san francisco Where you just get dropped off in a speedo at the corner of market in castro

On a friday night and you have to fight your way back to your hotel in san diego without any help from anybody Just go nuts. A strange survivor will follow it and you just have to that's right. It's like new hunger games I would watch that you will have your eyes and your thighs opened for you Dan savage, thank you so so so much for joining us. It was a genuine treat. You're the second guest We've ever had after our dad And um, the only one who didn't ejaculate all three of you into the world. I feel Yeah, the only one you're our first non ejaculate guest. Let me posit this Didn't you?

Dan thank you so much Thank you guys my pleasure. Thank you so much to uh to dan savage for joining us That was such a treat and you know, he only does that because we're members of the maximum fund network If if if we weren't he wouldn't have a time. He's a big deal Yeah, that's gonna have the time of day for us if you don't believe us try getting him on the horn and getting him on your Fucking podcast. You can't do it if you don't carry that cachet. He is a very very Brand aware person Dan savage cares about one thing labels

Super super duper appreciate Dan joining us. That was that was a a real thrill for us And this is the kind of stuff that happens on the maximum fund network and you could be Supporting it right now by going to maximumfund.org forward slash Donate and just donating a few bucks a month kick us a few bucks 10 bucks for those uh that earbud and uh bonus content or 20 bucks for lots of things for your vagina and your butt and uh 35 to get drunk enough to try using butt lube, you know And here's the thing in in all of this as with our podcast You are our best marketing tool. So, you know, if you are already a donor if you already support great

Thank you so much. Now go tell all your friends on facebook and twitter say, hey, i'm a donor Why aren't you you i know you listen to this jimmy? We've listened to it together and now you're pirating it because you have the chance to support this network And you're not there are only two kinds of maximum fund listeners donors and thieves Which one you I was gonna go donors or boners Donors or boners 2013 which one do you want to be only two kinds of listeners come out of my

Come out of my brother my brother and me donors and boners. Which one are you son? What's that voice you're doing? All right, it was supposed to be like an army drill sergeant um But I don't know what it was exactly. Yes, also stoners donors and boners and stoners Who meant to donate but forgot Oh, shit. I missed that two weeks. When's that pledge drive, dude? It's july You missed it completely. You've been asleep for four months. Are you gonna let stoners riff and wiggle?

Just stoners and boners and donors and rip van winkles and gypsies and tramps and thieves So on top of the three levels that we've we've described at length there are other higher levels if you're a high roller and you want the dopest That our our network has to offer gift-wise. There's if you want to drop a hundo per month there You can be a member of jesse's golden eagles Where you are initiated into the inner circle, which is a club that discusses comedy music art and culture And basically what that means is is the host of max fund programs

We will curate our favorite work each month and we will share it with you This the inner circle member. It's basically like comedy illuminati, which almost rhymes You also get the rocks glasses and the the vibrator And the earbuds and the lube and the digital content But you also get to be a member of a secret society if you want to go even higher there's a 200 per month jordan's platinum angels which gets you all that shit and Free registration for fucking boat party biz for the atlantic ocean comedy and music festival It's a cruise that goes to the Bahamas with everyone who's ever been funny

You could trip to the Bahamas for listening to podcasts. Think about it listen You can fucking hang out with maria banford and john hodgeman And josey long and mark maren and eugene merman and go to the fucking Bahamas Anyway, I got heated there for a second because it made me angry that I wasn't gonna do that But fuck but you could but you could because it sounds you could do something so cool that i'm not allowed to do it That is how cool this thing is it is very cool. So, um, please go to maximumfund.org forward slash donate Give support our show. Uh, it really does mean the world to us. We're trying to get a thousand new donors this year

We've done it. I think two years in a row. We've swung it Also for every new donor you can uh, we have challenge donors who donate Like, you know a quarter or whatever based on how many new donors we get so it's around six bucks a month for every new donor So it's huge it's that's enormous because that adds up if we get a thousand new donors That's an extra six thousand bucks a month going to the network So everybody who tweets a link to our donate page with the hashtag maxfun drive You get entered into a giveaway to win a trip to los angeles and a tour of maxfun headquarters the best we win So that's awesome. Yeah, it's huge. It's awesome. So we're doing a lot of shit because i've been tweeting a lot

Absolutely not we're doing a lot of shit this year. I I know it's weird to because we we you know We do this annually. We don't do it every week. I know it's weird to hear us asking for For money, but like seriously it means the world that the people out there who who donate donate like to support us doing this Fucking thing that we do every I mean, I don't want to make it sound like we just fucking Fart and a podcast comes out like, you know, it takes it takes it takes work, but it's still at the end of the day Fucking goofing off with my my bros. So like seriously think about supporting if you listen and Um, I just thank you. Thank you so much. Questions I got them

That's a new bed i've been working on. Okay, like a liner the bed that you do whenever you Questions I got them Answers you want them. It's my brother. My brother and me. It's a show. It's a podcast. It's a pyramid scheme Don't tell anybody I shouldn't have put that in the jane call and then the podcast made off with my money Yeah, thank you. I've been working on that one for a couple years. I said that podcast priests Everything I had

My boyfriend of five months recently asked if I would help him deep clean his apartment He seemed hurt by my immediate response of clean your own damn place, dude To be fair, he did not ask me to clean for him He just asked if I would be willing to help out as a favor I have to admit his place is gross and I would love it if it was less so But I can't help feeling weird about scrubbing my boyfriend's toilet Is my response unreasonable? Should I be down with the idea of helping him clean his place? That's from perplexed in portland. How about just don't scrub his toilet?

How about you just clean his stove? He handles toilet, dude. I would never ever ever Want someone else to clean my house ever ever. Where did you put everything I need? I don't know. I put it in all cabinet somewhere not just that but like I hope you enjoyed Touching my fecal particles because it's not just guess what doesn't just live in the toilet There's more of his futile cool particles on his stove than in his toilet, which is horrifying You need to ask him what he's been doing there. Why is he pooping on his stove? It's a great question Travis. Thank you. Thank you Trash for asking the big question. The big hard question We're not afraid to ask the big question to you. Why are you pooping on your stove Dylan?

They're afraid to answer them or look at them I I you gotta say no this sucks. It sucks that he put you in this position. Now hold on Don't you think it could be like breaking two electric boogaloo kind of like a montage cleaning? Oh, I feel you know you happy fun times get those get those cobwebs off the ceiling fan by dancing upwards onto the ceiling There's a scene I'm just saying that in every movie where you see people like cleaning up a new space They found everybody seems so happy and they're growing closer. Yeah, that's friends. Fuck me on these old pizza boxes At the end of montage We've been we've been cleaning so so long for so hard. We're real sweaty. Fuck me on these pizza boxes

Do that thing where you paint on his nose? You know with the roller you're like, oh you got me You know what and and camera tricks make it look like you're painting over the camera. No, I love that I love that move. You know what? I would I would be so mad if somebody painted on my nose I don't care how lovely we are. Do you know how hard it is to get this shit off? I know it's latex and it'll like peel off but still you maybe look like a fucking moron It happens in Benjamin Button And they it's him and Kate Linchette Kate Linchette the love interest in Benjamin Button and he paints on her nose and I thought

You What an asshole that's your day That's your whole fucking day You know when like somebody pinches your nose and it hurts like shit Like it hurts when you apply any amount of pressure to your nose whatsoever You've got to scrub that shit to get it off. You got to use the lie Oh He should not have asked it was incorrect. It was a miss miscalculation

To ask because like no five months. Yeah, okay Here's the thing I agree because it's one thing if you like you volunteer like hey Hey, you should maybe pick this place up. I'm happy to help if another thing you buy. Oh man, my place is dumb My turlet needs grouting grout my turlet Now it does okay, but on the flip side of this if you spend any sort of time there A considerable amount of time then you know if you guys are like splitting living Places, I think it's a fair request to ask, you know, I can ask you to pitch in. Why is this fucking place so dirty? Why doesn't he fucking clean it himself?

It's one thing to be like, hey, we make dinner together. Let's do the dishes together It's another to be like, man, I've been living in squalor for like six months Well, he could find a way to work around. Help me throw out everything that I've been hoarding I know you I know you've used this turlet as well during your five months where you've been over here um, so would it really kill you to To get us help us both out. You're really doing us both a favor by scrubbing my turlet Is he gonna help you clean up your apartment? Oh, she doesn't she doesn't need that Okay, so then I think that she doesn't need to help him. Yeah, she doesn't need to help him

Tell tell us messy ass that you're not coming over anymore until he cleans up period. Yeah, you're saying no scrubs No scrubs until you scrubs Tell tell him to creep to the hardware store, where do they sell cleaning supplies? Tell him tell tell him to Make a waterfall of scrubbing bubbles And it too is I don't know what even the cleaning supplies are called. I'm gonna clean clean. Have you cleaned stuff before? I'm just I don't produce any waste is that I've like I've managed to streamline I've just managed to streamline my life so much that I don't produce any waste in any like any format

No, no oils. My body doesn't produce any natural oils. No sweats No, I mean I don't I haven't evacuated in like 15 years. This is what I'm saying I'm so sick Listen this this whole podcast is just a cry for help you guys Belly's the size of a sumo beat back Well, it's not a cry for help Travis because I can't cry is what I'm saying

I've managed to come out. I I keep it inside I managed to exude all of my body's natural toxins through a vapor We should be we should be Uh, introducing ourselves as your oldest your middleist and your lumpiest Unsettlingly lumpiest your most jaundice. Well, the lumps are just my toxin sacs, which is where I exude No problem It's naturally and that's how if it became a batman villain. Do not touch them. Oh my god I know I produce a natural rattling noise that makes you that sparks the cure that peaks the curiosity

He often lures in small children that way. Mm-hmm Uh, I got a question for you guys I'm going to be caught in between two jobs in a month or so I plan on relocating to a different state at the end of the summer where my girlfriend is starting grad school And we'll be continuing my civil engineering career there. However at my current company people are resigning left and right indicating a sinking ship I have a suspicion that I'll have the summer free. My question is this What can I do for three months that can still put food on the table? But it has only a short term commitment. I'm an outdoorsy numbers nerd an amateur tinkerer

That's from future carney in chicago. Okay. You want no secret hit me anything. Yeah, let me hold on. Let me go ahead and type your Type your your metrics here into the job assistant that places you so outdoorsy numbers nerd amateur tinker Subway just go work at subway Not on the subway at a subway Subway sandwich you too can be a sandwich artist. Mm-hmm Here's the important thing no matter what interview you go into you just want to keep that three month time limit

Right in your pocket. Uh, I'll pull that move. I see a big future for myself here at here at the wall greens I got some big ideas about how you guys can change up the way that you sell your offering chips Where do you see yourself in five years? Whoa? Whoa? Whoa? Whoa? Whoa? Let's scale that back Where I see myself in 10 Here did you guess here because the answer is here at wall greens? I love I'm never going anywhere I don't have kids, but when I do they're gonna work at wall greens this wall. I wanted to be a family business The important thing is that uh one one one ploy you can take is found a uh softball league An intro wall green softball league

Literally weeks before you are to resign they will know because then you can really quit saying like I don't I mean I can't leave you guys right now. It's two we got inventory coming up There's the the division playoffs against cvs like I don't know I don't know how we can how I can leave now or maybe like drama Organize everyone into like a wall greens union and then just before the strike you quit I'm the sacrifice that this wall greens demands. I'm I'm sorry. You'll have to go on without me I have to go into hiding like Batman at the end of dark night. Remember the lessons. I've taught you I am the I am not the cashier that this wall greens

Deserves, but I'm the one it no longer has I actually I worked at a I worked at a jimmy johns in norman, oklahoma knowing that you know The school year is about to end and I was about to go home And it provides a lot of psychological freedom because like if your boss yells at you for doing something wrong Or like they work you a terrible shift or something. It's like yeah, but in your head, you know That fuck that place. I don't want to put you on blast tries. We weren't you fired from that jimmy johns No, they actually wanted to make me an assistant manager and I left I have been fired from a lot of places griffin. Yeah, so I understand why that is a safe assumption

I gotta mash this jimmy johns do anything you want to this is a great time for you Do write do a job for three months. You can write a book about I think that there's too many x Subway employees, maybe that book's being pitched all over like memories of a subway subway artist And just people like no we already have 20 of those manuscripts A lot of this in the hopper a lot of those are cooking up in Pre-imperial if you could write a subway based movie now we're talking now you get now you're cooking up

There already is a fucking subway tv show. I see ads on it for hulu all the time You know about this What sorry it's called. I think it's called the nine to fivers It's a hulu only tv show as all the best television programming It is Good job and it's about people who work as subway and it's not like fun way. It's not like an offshoot. It's fucking legit To quit subway. It seems like they're by subway. It seems like a pretty good show. I'd probably watch that show It's pretty good. It's all about, you know love life

making sandwiches, of course there's a There's a lot of commercials for hulu based programs That don't that. I don't know that look pretty good. I saw a lot of commercials from i'm Been been watching real shows watching real shows watching real television fake shows on here Yeah, do you know how they pay for all those fake shows? How because they have a fucking show that's all about subway They have subway programming Anyway, it makes me so angry. I have a yahoo answer if

You guys don't mind the leap Uh, maybe this will calm calm my nerves. Uh, it's sent by emily wall. Thank you. It's by yahoo interseasor layla bell who asks I'm a cat person and so is my friend. We understand each other's meows and other sounds Oh Wait, hold on when in the dark we are cat Wait a minute, holy shit What actually this is so weird because when you said the phrase I am a cat person My first thought was I've been doing the show too long because I know what this person means is there a person who likes to own

Cats I hear like I'm a half cat half person when in fact I tried to vocalize the hyphen In between cat and person I am a cat person When in the dark we are cat, but in the light we are human my friend has sharp cat-like teeth But I'm less obvious We don't change shape, but we lose complete control and go cat Please if anyone has info on this or has the same experience fill us in Okay, so they want help. How do we fix it? We can't help it. Oh my god. I don't want to fix it. I want to

Hang I just want to hang Can we get one hang going please just one here's the thing just and think about the reality of that situation because let's be honest Lights, you know the lights go dim and you're just watching a fucking real person. Well, you're not watching now. I'm a cat Travis if you can see them If there's if there's enough light to hold on they're human beings So even if you were doing like night vision goggles See that's the only way that's the only way you can deserve these fools in their natural environment Cruel fate to to be in a room. It's like ladyhawk, you know

Like you're in a room with a cat person But you can't you can only see them as person because they can't really like Go ham with the lights on you need night vision goggles. You gotta have nvgs That is unless it's like a Cal Mitchell in in uh, oh In real life Cal Mitchell is only Cal Mitchell when he's being naturally observed Otherwise he is Keenan Thompson otherwise. Oh no I don't think that's it

Although I've never seen them in the same room at the same time That's why the show is called Keenan slash Cal Keenan or Cal. Do you watch Keenan or Cal? Keenan by way of Cal Keenan stroke Cal Oh Man this situation Oh, man Oh, I just want to know what it's like to be in a room with two people that you think are otherwise

People people person persons not cat person. It's just person persons and then the lights go off. You're like, oh, there's a power surge Why does this sound like you're pooping in a box? Where's my milk? Where's my milk? Where did it go? Sounds like it's being lapped, but that's weird. I don't have a cat. I only have two people peoples This is a strange situation. I'm in I think I'd like to leave You can't leave. I think I'd like to leave this room. Where's the door? I can't see the door the door because the lights are off Here's the terrifying thing they can see you because as cats they have superb dark vision So they're hunting you now cat eyes. You're the prey. They're the predator. They're the predator

I can't it's like if you're from what side to your left. It's I mean, it's bright in my room My real cat is outside. Maybe he's a person when it's dark That would suck that would suck if that happened If there was like a if there was like a two second like window where like the power goes out and it comes back on And there's just like a fucking dude on my couch. Just like It changes like just like that. I would be fucking freaked. I would move out the house is yours now. Cecil. I'm done You are welcome, steven king Send us a check when you make this into a book and a movie and a play

Yeah, another movie if you're gonna fucking larp an animorph Which if I had said that sentence 10 years ago to anybody I would be committed to an insane asylum Pretty much tried away But if but now thanks to yahu answers I can fucking crack that cipher if I were to larp an animorph Why would you go with a fucking domesticated house cat and not a more exotic animal? Ooh, good call a more erotic animal eat. Do they say house cat or they just say cat Big it could be a big beautiful jungle cat. He's got a point. And that's a good up with sinewy like like a Cougar with a sinewy muscles. I get it

Cougars are basically land dolphins. I understand Okay, let's like slick one of those bad boys up and you Listen, you slick you slick a cheetah up. You got a dolphin basically. It's basically what you're working with Thank you all so much for listening to this. Uh pot. They can't hear us. They're too busy jerking off right now Stop jerking it for just a second while we give you this very important message about the maximum fun drive It is a two-week Blowout of fun and laughs. Don't say blowout right after you asked him to stop jerking it You're right. It's like talking about waterfall when your friend has to be

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We won't belabor the point but um think just think about it. Just think about it That's all I ask You please just think about it And uh, we want to say thank you again to dan savage god damn it for casting on the show from uh Savage love and savage love cast over at the stranger So make sure you check out his shit if you haven't already because we assume that you do but he's incredible and he's an awesome dude Thanks again dan. Thank you dan And thanks to john rogerick in the long winters for you to use for our theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed

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You answer my question now. How can I get in touch with ellen de generis help? I'm travis macaroy. I'm griffin macaroy. He's been my brother. My brother made kiss your dad The girls didn't want to say Maximum fund or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported