My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 147: The Legend of Corn Cob Boy

Episode Date: April 8, 2013

Happy Week Two of Max Fun Drive 2013! Have you donated yet? If so, we'll provide you with a special version of this episode, edited to remove all onomatopoeic egg sounds and Jaleel White impressions. Suggested talking points: MBMBMaM 3D IMAX Re-Release, The J Files, Fast Food Bathroom, Incredible Inedible Egg, Straight Shooting, Krav McGraw, Anger Surrogate, Monstro Slash-Fic, Sonic Slash-Fic

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Ladies and gentlemen, Jurassic Park is back in IMAX in 3D, and to pay homage to the return of John Hammond's dream, we are broadcasting this special Max Fun Drive episode of My Brother, My Brother Me in IMAX, and 3D, and what's the box? 40. No, what's the box?

Tesseract sounds. Tesseract sound, and what's that? The sound folds the space between your ears. We got D-Box in it, and also lasers are in it. So it's much like the Jurassic Park relaunch. It's the same fucking movie, so yeah, I guess, yeah, $13 for a ticket for a movie I already saw. Okay, that's cool. Did you change anything? Did you change anything? It could also be a lot more laughable now whenever they talk about hacking and her computer skills and the internet. Yeah, units? What's that? No one knows. Reading the fucking reviews of this 40-year-old movie that has been re-released. This is an excerpt from Richard Corliss Time Magazine's movie critic. The 3D process adds not just dimension

but depth, a technological extension of cinematographer Greg Toland's deep focus innovations in the Grapes of Wrath and Citizen Kane. The change in perspective creates greater intensity. Thanks, Dick. How's the fucking dinosaurs? How do they look? The depth and the field of focus is unlike anything I've ever seen in the original Jurassic Park. Just tell me about the fucking velociraptors. How sick are they? Are they still awesome? Here's what would totally make me go see that movie. If they added a short scene at the beginning with people digging in South America for the amber stuff, and they uncover a chunk of amber with a movie reel in it, and they're like, ah, we can remake it. I would watch that.

We can do this. We can do this again. Jurassic Park was impressive in 1993. 20 years later, it's flawless. Same fucking movie, dawg. I didn't see it in 1993 going, where's my crispness? I actually slept through it because I was six. Yeah, you're so little. My joke that I have been leaning on and really deploying a lot recently is, and I actually just got a chance to do this yesterday. I was at the Tri-State Commonwealth Convention, and someone told, I was there with Sydney, and we ran into a friend of hers, a co-worker, actually. He said, yeah, we're going to finish here, and then I'm going to go see Jurassic Park. I said, oh man, you're just going to love it. It's really tense, and there's dinosaurs and stuff. I don't know how you've

missed it this long. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. What's the joke? The joke is that everybody's already seen Jurassic Park, so it's not like he's seeing it. He didn't laugh either. Are you the same person that, like, when Titanic came out, you're like, I hear the boat sink to the end, so I just went out there. Yeah, exactly. I hear the boat sink. You're one of those fucking dicks. You're a horrible person. I'm not like, rowing in the plot or anything. Hey, this is an advice show where we take your questions and turn them actively into wisdom. I want to start off with a question, and then we'll do other questions, and then I will stop recording. You're a guy. This is also, we should mention, the second week of our Max Fun Drive two week

long spectacular. You're going to get a bonus length up this week, and we're going to tell you all about how important Justin just ejaculated. It is untenable to do this show for an hour, but like, I have to tell you guys, when you're staring down the barrel of like an hour and 15 minutes of goofs, it is simply, simply incomprehensible to me. I don't know how I'm going to be funny that long. Well, it's going to be incomprehensible to our listeners as well. We'll see if they kick it with us for for an hour, 15 hours. Just relax with us and kick it. Here's the first question we'll do. We'll just keep going until you all drop out. We're going to keep the show going and you just bail and whatever. Yeah, we're playing chicken with you right now, dear listeners.

Zero friction. It's a free podcast. You don't have to, you know, you're not paying us. You should. Max Fun Drive 2013. Here's our first question. My girlfriend and I recently got into a bit of a tiff over a TV spoiler. She just started watching the X-Files and I offhandedly mentioned that I heard it was no good after David DeCovne left. What the fuck? I didn't know that either. I've only seen like four seasons of X-Files. What the fuck? It was so bad when the Terminator showed up and started killing everyone. How did it, where does he go? David DeCovne? He went to do Californication. Yeah. Have fun solving easy alien mysteries. I'm going to go get my dick wet on the rig every day. I'm going to go have sex with Susan to random's daughter.

Is that real? Yeah. No, I think she plays his daughter on the show. Is that how it is? I don't know. I've never seen it. I hear it's pornographic. You're guessing, man. Is she allowed to, is when they're cut up like that, can one of them even continue on the X-Files? I don't think so. They're like, sorry, you're down to the J-Files now. I don't think you're ready for the X-Files anymore. When you had two of you, you were prepped. You had the faculties. Now I'm going to bump you down to J. Maybe R, if you're good. So she got a bit annoyed and considered a spoiler, and he just considered it common knowledge about the program and its history. I wouldn't think it's a spoiler to say that Steve Carell eventually leaves the

office or the doctor who eventually regenerates. They just seem like facts about the show. Brothers, what constitutes a spoiler? And that's from Spoiled in South Slope. This is interesting because I think this, it has to do with our modern age, with this modern era that we're trying to fucking get people through every day, through this wasteland that we're leading the Underground Railroad through, is the fucking, it's the internet. Like everything, it's the internet. Because in 1990, 80, when this fucking X-Files show was on, there was no internet. So David Covey left, you didn't know about it. The only reason, the only way you could watch it is on TV or on VHS that your dad recorded. I remember when it was on in 1990, 82.

Yeah. For good years. It's a super old show is what I'm saying. Office, Steve Carell leaves the show. Fucking people are on the street with it tattooed on their goddamn face. They have a hyperlink to a Huffington Post article about Steve Carell leaving tattooed on their face. This is also different though because like in this, that has happened since, like, okay, I don't think you could have escaped the news of Steve Carell leaving the office. That happened post internet age. David, a company leaving the X-Files though, that was a long time ago. That was probably before internet. But Justin, to finish out your argument, that's like saying like, Darth is Luke's father. Oh, what the shit? Spoiler alert, man. Why is the spoiler? I don't know why you do that. I'm

sorry. I didn't say his last name. It could be Darth anybody. You could still spoil loss for people, it's what I'm saying. Like I could still, I still think there's a, I still think that loss spoilers are like in effect. I feel like. So there's a hierarchy, right? Let's rank them. Number one, Breaking Bad. If you fucking say anything that has ever happened throughout the fullness of Breaking Bad, you're a bag of dicks. But I will say that the difference is that's still running. It's not. Right, that's what I'm saying. That's the, I'm establishing the the worst thing you can do. And to me, that is Breaking Bad. Even like Game of Thrones, there's books. So like people can read that shit if they want to know. You know what I mean?

Breaking Bad, number one. And then, I mean, it goes down the whole AMC list, right? I've never watched Mad Men. If somebody told me shit about Mad Men, I'd be upset because I'm gonna get there one day. You'll get there eventually. What is it that you're waiting for? I'm waiting for there. I watch an episode and just the way they treat those women is just like. It's too much for you. It really is too much. I'm watching it. I'm like, I'm saying like, maybe I'm sorry that things were like this back then. And they still are like this in parts of the world. Third world, second world countries, developing nations, California, Californication. Sometimes spending too long in a world without internet, even via television or ironically,

the internet makes you feel like fucking claustrophobic. When I look at them and I realize that that is a phone on their desk and it is not anything other than a phone on their desk. And that's how they do their work. And if they need it, I get a little, it's a little much for me. It's a little dour. Yeah. That's what makes the amazing race so difficult because they're in these countries. Anybody ever exposed to what people are living like in other and some people are like, I saw people on that show dancing and it didn't seem to be for like money or anything. They just seem to be dancing to pass the time. Yeah. Well, that's, that's, well, I mean, it's also the most beautiful thing. It's the most beautiful thing in the world that people are

just dancing for the, for the feel of it. Not the tips or anything. No, no. Well, actually in this, in this particular challenge, they had to get $10 in tips before they could bounce, but yeah. Okay. Okay. 100 Rand, if memory serves. I would say that the funny thing of this question is the opposite side of this question is when you start watching the show after it's already been on like 10 years, she can't roll up to her friends and be like, oh my God, you guys, I just found this new show is called X Files. You should all check it out. But like, okay, I think there's a converse relation to the statute of limitations ending and the value of like talking about it. I think it's just diminishing. Be fucking polite. Like, have you

watched X Files? Yes. Man, when, when, when Chovny leaves, it really takes a nose dive. Yeah, I know. I was there when that happened so I can talk to you about it. Hey, have you seen X Files? No, I haven't. Well, then I'm not going to tell you about this. Hey, and Guy, can I just like double underline that what you said about it, she said she's enjoying this new program. And for you to come along and be like, oh, oh, enjoy it while it lasts because I hear it gets shitty. It drives me fucking crazy when people do that. They'll try to do any discussion of the West Wing. It is always like, just make sure you stop watching before after season five. Well, fuck those people because six and seven gets good, but that pop off. But the thing is about

West Wing, and I'm sure other shows are like this too, is it takes persistence. I fucked up my first time watching West Wing. I watched that fucking episode in season five. Oh, that fucking episode where he's like, shut it down. And then I did shut down my Xbox and I stopped watching the goddamn television program because it was so bad. No, I mean, and it gets crazy and John Goodman's president for a while, it gets fucking nuts. But, but he doesn't think we just spoiled you just fucking spoiled something, Justin. Justin, what? You just fucking somebody's listening right now that's on season four and a half of West Wing, like, can't wait to experience this in my own in real time. And you just fucking look down. It's going to be such a heightened, no, it is,

I have heightened the experience because if you're watching West Wing and constantly wondering, is this when John Goodman becomes president? Does he transfer, is he bit by John Goodman and like the full moon, he transforms and maybe becomes good man. That's not outside the realm of your hand looked like your hand looked like a shoulder steak. I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I just read a great onion article where it was about a friend one season ahead and TV show of another friend gives him mystic wisdom about events. And that's what and that's let's not lie, like that's exactly when we talk about how six and seven gets so much better and you guys, oh, you got to stick with it. It's because we're so fucking cultured and experienced and

oh, when someone says like, oh, have you made it to season three yet? Just wait for season three. They're not doing that to help you. They're not your friends. Sometimes, oh, they're helping. Like when they say that make sure you stick around for season 2.5 battle star, you might not know that there is a 2.5 you might skip it goes straight to three. And then you're like, where's Starbucks? A lot of shows are hard to watch. Battlestar Galacta is hard to like watch. It's hard to like mess it up. If you don't, you got to go 3.2 up to 4.1 and then you got to drop back down to 3.8 for the webisodes. A lot of important canonical extensions and those webisodes. So don't miss it. You got to watch razor razor razor to drop back to Caprica, hop back on for

heart of the swarm and then drop back down. You got to watch razor but backwards. So, Spotted Sauce Lope, in short, you were the jerk this time because it was really shitty of you to tell her it gets bad. Like, why would you even say that? Unless you were warning her that it gets better, which I don't think it does. Sorry, X-Files. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah, I do. This yahoo was sent in by two different people, one of whom was Jacob Blocker, one of whom was Jack Howard. I don't know how it happened. It's a mystical occurrence. Are they working together? I think that they fucking worked together, except they were sent like days apart. So they probably found it together and then Jack was like, yeah, let's wait until

Tuesday to send this in and then he fucking got the jump on it on Saturday. Anyway, thank you both. It's by Yahoo Instruces or Manuel who asks, is it okay to eat in the bathroom at McDonald's? Oh. Hi. Hello. How are you? Whenever I go to McDonald's, I always eat in the bathroom. I've been doing this for five years now without a problem. I think that saying without a problem is very generous.

It's, well, yeah, let's break that term down. The fucking McDonald's bouncer is not going to kick the door and be like, I've been following your trail for five years. It goes straight from the fucking cash register in the bathroom. So it was not a very difficult trail to follow. But you gotta think though that if he's been going to the same McDonald's that the cashiers are starting to talk. Oh, I hope he's not going to. I hope nobody's going to the same McDonald's, except for that dude and supersize me. Oh, new guy. Don't worry. That's just bathroom, Steve. That dude and supersize me. Who's like, I ate 5,000 Big Macs. I ate six a day and it's like, that's great. But like, can you do them at different McDonald's? So they're not like, oh, here comes Big Mac Mac

because his name's Mac. His name is also Mac. His name is also Mac. Can you? And it's like, why wouldn't you just call him Big Mac if that's the case? Anyway, because he's actually very thin, if I remember correctly. He was a thin man. He was fucking disgusting. Can you imagine you're on a road trip, you park, you pull into a McDonald's, you run, you make a rush for the bathroom, promising yourself that you'll go back and buy a high seat or something. You go to the bathroom, you open the salt door and there's just this guy hunched over jamming chicken strips into it. Occupied. Occupied. Occupied with flavor. Is he voiding though while he eats? There's the question. I should hope not. Have we ever told the corn cob story?

I feel like we have to have told the corn cob story because it's the best thing that's ever happened. No, I don't agree with that. The perfect diagram of efficiency that is the corn cob. The corn cob story is we were at a trailer park. No, it was a trailer park campground. It was a trailer park campground, which is like, I don't care how fucking temporary your stay is, you're living in a trailer park for the period that you were there. We were staying there with our cousins or uncles or, I think it was Tim and Tom, right? And so we were staying there and we were walking the grounds, seeing the sights, checking out scoping some winnies and we went to the bathroom and it was one of those deplorable kinds of bathrooms with no doors on

the stalls. So like those technically aren't even. Which are not bathrooms. They're not bathrooms. They're not bathrooms. They're not bathrooms. They're fucking temporary concentration camps that you can walk out of. They're risky water fountains as far as I'm concerned. There's nothing. They're little public jails and we walked in and I was walking, you know, just checking to see if maybe one of these fucking stalls had a door on it because it's 1999 and we're living in a civilized goddamn world and kind of, I mean, we were in a trailer park and walked by one stall and I didn't look, I didn't look long because it's like, I guess a crime. But there was a little kid. I say half chubby. I mean, he was half fat. Not, he's not either party

in this scenario is half chubby. He was his half fat kid. He was sitting there taking a poop and while he was taking a poop, he was also eating some corn on the cob. He was eating his corn on the cob while voiding and I walked out and made a hand gesture to, I forget who was with me. I made a hand gesture, like a fucking SWAT team. Like I can't talk. I'm about to lose my fucking mind laughing. You need to go walk eight feet in that direction and look westward. Turn your eyes westward towards, turns corn cob boy and then we'll, we will, I did a little loop with my finger to say we will read, do some recon later on this. We will get together and discuss it in a group. Not now now. Not now. I need to total silence within enemy territory. I need you to walk there. I need it

to be very clear that I did not say, Hey, go check out this kid with no pants. You have to keep it totally cash. You got to keep it cash. Turn, sit. Oh, excuse me. Say like excuse me or how's that corn? Pretty good. I bet since you couldn't fucking tear yourself away from it, couldn't leave it on the picnic table. Go void. Go evacuate and then return to your biz. There was a moment in this kid's life where he was eating corn. Realize you need to use the bathroom without love. I can't leave this. I get it. I mean, he buttered it. And once you butter it, it's like, that's your day. Yeah. That's your day until you until it's done. That's your day. Have you ever thought about it from this kid's point of view that maybe like Griffin's acknowledgement of him and like just

the look on Griffin's face changed his life around that kid grew up Steve Jobs. He grew up super fast. He grew up Steve Jobs. Anyway, maybe that's what this kid maybe that's who's asking this question. It's fine, right? It's not okay. I mean, I get it like I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. It's not just McDonald's. It's anything going inside of a fast food restaurant when I you know what I mean? Like unless I am on a road trip and I'm going to use the bathroom, I never like, Hey, you guys want to get out and eat inside? Like the answer to that question is always no. No, I can't even imagine. I don't understand why most fast food restaurants have dining rooms. Like I really I think it's also I think for kids parties in the 90s. I think it's

one of those vesti yes. It's one of those like crazy vestigial things of there was a simpler time in the 1950s where you would go and speedy would bring you out a tasty burger, bring it right out to you and you'd sit there with your family after church and it would smell so clean. And now like that's not every McDonald's it's been around for longer than six months is like caked and funk and you have to that's not fair or accurate. McDonald's are pristine. Many McDonald's are pristine. Some McDonald's are clean. Okay. Okay. When was the last time you were inside a steak and shake? I don't have those here. Well, because it is that like it's an actual like restaurant inside and like that full on you walk into a time warp and you're in

the 50s. Yeah. And like there's families everywhere. It's crazy. Sorry, tangent, but if you want to see some families cruise on down to the steak and shake and you can scope all the families, all the families. I just go down there and family watch you know what I mean. And if you want to and if you want to see a half fat kid eating corn on the cob if you want to see. I know what you're talking about though because you don't see that in adults really but like you would see that little kids a lot mainly because I guess little kids have to have their shirts off more. Yeah. But like you would see kids who are like skinny to about like three inches above their belly button and then it got around. Yeah. It's like bingo from the biggest to the latest season, the biggest

loser except like after after and like I don't want to put bingo on blast. I don't want to salt this game or anything like that because he worked really hard. He had a broken ankle for a long time and he still managed to drop like 70 pounds, which for a 10 year old kid is like everything. But he was still a little, a little. They're meeting on that show. Did you read about oh man, it's a brutal environment. Yeah. Well, yeah, because you had fucking Jillian Michaels like if you don't eat this okra, you're going to eat my shit. And then she was shit down bingo's throat. Hey, speaking of eating stuff, I can't eat eggs not because of allergenic reasons. Ever since I was a toddler, I just couldn't bring myself to eat them. Scrambled, poached, boiled,

even mixed with fried rice. You name it. Over the years, I've tried it. Can't even chew them. Really want to like them. Not only for the protein content, but my GF apparently makes devastating scrambled eggs. I would love to try. Oh, brothers, what can I do to change my senses? Love eggs. That's for eggs, egg, aggravated and eager. I have a hard time not picturing him putting eggs in his mouth and go, it's not working. I can't do it. How do you, how do you move your teeth around these things? How does anyone eat eggs? This reminds you of bingo from Biggest Loser trying to eat vegetables. Can't do it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make bingo eat vegetables. That's what bingo's dad always says.

I don't understand the question. You don't like them, you mean? Because there's things, it's okay not to like some food. Can I say, listen, I get it. Because this is how I feel about mayonnaise. But no, but I have, but I have no reason. I have no justification. There is no background to it. I just don't want to eat it. That's crazy that you don't like mayonnaise, first of all. I get it. Do you know what mayonnaise is Travis right now? Can you tell me right now what mayonnaise is? It's basically just like solid fat. No, it's oil. No, you're wrong. It's an egg and it's oil, and that's all that it is. And you, I know for a fucking fact, you love both of those things. You will fry an egg in oil. And you'll eat that. That's mayonnaise. Better men than you have tried to dissect

my problem with mayonnaise. No mayonnaise is gross. You don't want to know the messed up thing? What? If it's like on something and I'm unaware of it, I have no problem with it. Oh, sure. Do you want mayonnaise on it? No, no, no. But that's mayonnaise's only job is to fucking ghost it on a sandwich to make it a little wetter. That's it. This is my problem though, but like here's the thing with all condiments. And I stayed away from condiments for a good part of my life. Because it feels better to just be natural. Because I just want a raw dog. No, I stayed away from them because people would, restaurants especially, will always over-apply. Like they'll, a little thin layer of mayo can be appealing,

but you don't ever get that anywhere. It's like, that's how much mayo you get. You get, how much, how much mayo would you, would you like, or would you like? That's what you get. If I, if I bite a sandwich and mayonnaise gooshes out of it, my dining experience has come to an abrupt halt. That's the end of my dining experience. You bite it and then like a solid jet of it shoots out and it gets on your grandma and then that's, that's nutty professor three. You're welcome. You're welcome nutty professor three. Still clumped. Enjoy the clumps. So I'm betting that this guy's problem is like purely mental, that it's just like, oh eggs? No. Eggs is a big fucking, that's a huge. I don't, I couldn't make

it without eggs. Couldn't make it. How do you eat breakfast tacos? I ate eggs inside my breakfast tacos yesterday. I'd say like it's a four times a week thing for me. You can't see the thing though, where it's like, oh, that's, that's like a chicken baby. Oh, it's not that. I don't think it's that. It doesn't seem to be conceptually bothering this person. I think maybe you should just start trying different styles. Like you need to find a, a, a handhold in the world of eggs and then like build from there. Eggs, eggs are protein and they are a vehicle for other flavors and that vehicle can be delivered in so many different ways. That's what's craziest to me is you can fucking disguise it in so many, I put a little fox point seasoning in it and a little, a little salt

and a little pepper and that's it. And it doesn't taste anything like eggs. It tastes like fucking fox point seasoning. What's fox point seasoning? It's a, you know, it's a special, I don't know, it just came with the, it came with the seasoning set that, that Rachel got me for my birthday a couple of years ago. And it's, it's fucking delicious. Hey, here's some free, speaking of spices, here's some free advice to everybody. Yeah. If it's been a few years since you've used a spice, check the expiration date on it. It won't ever hurt you, but you will really lose a lot of potency. I bought some new Crusher pepper flakes and I stopped using the jar I've been using for five years. I bought some new Crusher pepper flakes and it was honestly, it was like being able to taste

again after being in some, I just, see, I just go to, I just go to Pizza Hut during, when they have their lunch buffet and I just scoop up the red pepper flakes, just throw them in my pocket and then I'll fill my pockets, you know, pepper flakes and Parmesan and, I do the same thing with the carrot shreddings. Those are delicious. My jam with eggs right now, and this is like, this is really delicious as, as I make an omelet and I cook some apple slices in brandy and cinnamon and then put the apple slices into the omelet. I learned that from the frugal gourmet who it turns out was a child molester guy, I sort of, oh no, I know, right? I was so bummed. That just story just went from my extreme fascination of cinnamon apples and

eggs. Why have it, aw man. But no guys, seriously, he taught me how to make the best omelets and I don't care, you know, he can have a kid or two as far as I'm concerned. That's not. Oh no, doesn't know. I don't mean like that. We don't need to lay a sacrifice at the feet of the frugal gourmet. I'm not gonna stay here and pass judgment on frugal gourmet. Who's that? Okay, Justin, what if that kid was corn cob boy? Now don't you feel bad? Isn't there egg on your face? Just eat these fucking eggs. You can, you can, oh my god, there's eggs in everything you eat. I have a second suggestion that might help.

What's that? I mean, it's how you train dogs, but have a little bit egg along with your favorite kind of food and just like pair them together until eventually you're gonna create a new connection that eggs are good and they remind you of your favorite food. Put a little bit of egg on the tip of your nose and then when I ring this bell, I want you to jump up and grab it. And you laugh, but that'd be a really impressive trick. That would be, because that's super floppy. Made the mistake this week of, I thought the onion AV club, when they did podcast reviews,

they only like did them about episodes that were good. And a few weeks ago, we, I guess we put, put up a rock as they say. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. World. And they said like, they called us on, they said, wow, they really threw an air ball this time, a real clunker. And now like anytime we're recording, the only voice I could hear is the voice of the AV club. So there is a prolonged 20 minute discussion of egg preparation. Do not recommend to anyone. Right. But then you go fucking switch over to egg blog podcast reviews.

And they're like a plus best app ever. Go see it. Five stars. Drop some money on them. Finally, the macro is break their three year long egg silence. And fucking get on. Actually, it is three years on the 30th, right? Wednesday, the 10th, April 10th was our first step. Jesus Christ, I can't believe how long you've been doing this stupid goddamn show. Hey, if you want us to keep doing this goddamn show, you're going to have to get up in the Max Fun Drive. It is our annual fundraiser to, to help collect money for the maximum fun

podcast network of which we are a proud, proud member. This is our third Max Fun Drive. I'm sure that most of you know the score, especially if you listened last week. If you don't, we are raising money for Max Fun Drive, for, for the maximum fund network. We get paid. I think it's safe to say, are we allowed to, I mean, I know you guys are uncomfortable talking about finances. We make bank. We make bank. We get that sticky green. Is that weed or money? We get the money and we spend it on weed. And, and that money comes from you. We're a donor

supported network, which is amazing. Jesse Thorn wrote up a big essay about why we, why it is a donor supported network and it's moving. So go look that up and find it. But yeah, we have, we collect monthly donations at a number of different levels or something for whatever price point you can work with. We have a $10 donation level, $20, $35, all the way up to $200. And for doing that, you not only, you know, support us and help grow the show and, and help bring new shows to the Max Fun Network, which this past year, we've seen like crazy expansion with risk in the memory palace in Wimbampow. And what a, God, what am I, one bad mother just opened up David podcasting incident.

Like it's like we've doubled the network this year. And every show is just delightful. Like there's really no collection of like media anywhere else on internet or otherwise. But anyway, you, you, you help support us. You also get some pretty dope gifts. Justin, you want to break some of those down for us? So if you give us $10 a month, that's super generous of you. And to say thank you, we are going to send you some very cool maximum fun earbuds. They are branded with our distinctive rocket ship logo and they are fresh to death. You're also going to get a ton of how many hours we figured it up? Like it was like 30 something like 37 hours of donor exclusive

material. Yeah. Every year we do a bonus episode. So does every other podcast. So based on how many years they've been, like this is our third year, we have three bonus episodes and plus the episode that we did for max fun day in October. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And one of those episodes contains Papa McRoy. It's hilarious. So if you have been wanting to hear from, from whence we came, that is way up. And if you're, if you're a previous donor, like the physical gifts are for people who are new donors or people who upgrade, you can find all this information on maxfunfun.org forward slash donate by the way. But if you're a previous donor, you get all that bonus shit, like regardless. For $20 a month, we're going to give you the intimate sensations pack.

That is definitely, definitely, definitely a boss of sex stuff. There's a black sexing mask. Freaky listeners, you know, you love it. The velveteal massager rocket lube, which is maximum fun sex lube, which I would not, I would not recommend opening for collectors value. You're going to want to sell that. Well, but good luck resisting it when you're trying to fuck a dry butt. And then you look over and you're like, I got the solution right here. I have the urgent that I need to perform this. And to be or a dry vagina or a dry vagina. Sorry. Go ahead, Travis. I just to make it clear, that's from our friends, the extreme restraints, like not only our biggest supporters, we didn't just take a Gatorade bottle and just put some, put like a mixture of

olive oil and bathwater into it. Like it's legit. It's legit lube. It's going to help you fuck a butt or a vagina. At $35, you're going to get all that stuff plus a pair of rocket engraved rocks glasses, which are these are some sharp glasses. Well, they're not sharp. They're not going to like cut your mouth to the touch. They're smooth. They've got a thick, heavy bottom. You can pour just like spirits in it, just like Travis got a thick ass. You pour your spirits in this and you have a good time with friends. There's two of them. So you can have maybe an intimate date. Maybe you fill it with rocket lube and then you pour the rocket lube from the glass into a dry butt. Maybe you pour it into your own butt because like maybe you're at like a festival

and it's like gets really dry down there or it gets really swampy. We'll pour a little lube in there. It'll fix you right up. Maybe your windows. Also, if you, if you massage the lube into a bald man's head, his hair will grow back. His hair will grow back because you got streaks on your windows. Just throw some lube on it and then wipe it down and then shove it in your ass. The window? The whole window. The whole fixture right in there. You know what they say? A man's way to his heart is the window to the soul, which is his asshole with an actual window in it. So I guess, so do that. It's maximafun.org. Donate. Please do this right now while you're thinking about it. You'll forget later. Go do it right this second. We can, we will be here

waiting for you when you get back. Or if you have a computer handy, just go ahead and do it. We are almost halfway. We have a goal of a thousand new donors, which is the goal we have every year. We don't have a thermoboner this year to track it, which is horseshit. Typically, Jesse Thorne draws up a thermometer to keep track of it, but because he's got a boner, addled mind, it always ends up looking like a boner. Not this year. Not this year. We got some sort of HTML5 thing, which is horseshit. But we're on track. We still need everybody's help to get there. And we also have challenge donors who, every time we get a new donor, they donate a certain amount of money, which is, does anybody know where it's at? It was over six bucks last time, which is,

if we hit the goal of a thousand donors, it's like a lot of money. Oh, God. At least give me. And I also want to say, let's forget, if you are a maximafun donor from the past, we are so grateful for you. I know that sometimes we hit the new Maxfun drive, and it seems like, you know, we're so excited about new donors and we're trying to get new people. But if you've been a donor with us for a while, like, you know, what makes this station happen? Somebody pointed out to me on Twitter, they were like, you know, I'm uncomfortable with doing a monthly donation, because it's like, it's the same amount of like Netflix or other services like that. And like, the fact that you, there are people out there that feel like they get the same amount of

entertainment from us and the other shows in the Maxfun network that they do from quote unquote professional services like that, and are like willing to support us with the same amount of money, like that's, that's fucking amazing to me. And like, I'm not saying that they are mistaken in saying that because I get literally a dozen hours of entertainment from the Maxfun network every week. But like, I don't know, it's incredibly, incredibly flattering. Like, I never thought that guarantee that Netflix does not love you as much as we love. No, Netflix is fucking shitty. They send you broken discs, and you don't realize it until you put it in your Xbox and it's just shrapnel in there. I also hear they fart in every. They fart on every, here's the thing though,

it's only certain movies. So like, if you get Hope Floats, that's a farder. If you get, if you get Serendipity, that's a farder. If you get The Lake House, that's a farder. Why is it all like romantic comedies? It's all romantic comedies. If it has John Cusack in it, and he kisses a woman at the end, they don't touch the disc with your bare hands. That's all I'm saying. Except for must love dogs. Must love dogs is safe. Except for must love dogs. That's the only fart-free one. Because it is made of farts. Because it is a literal, oh man. Maxfunfund.org. 4 size donate is the link. Click it and just think about it. Think about your options. I'm in a rock band and may or may not be attempting to climb a stardom. We've written a handful of songs and

started playing them at a local karaoke. Sorry, that order is not in this question. I'm playing out at local venues and said horse shows. No, house shows, not horse shows. My problem is that after every set, whenever someone attempts to compliment me on our music, I have an overwhelming urge to ask them questions about the songs, about my playing, about literally anything I can think of. So my question is this, how far can I go with this? Should I ask a question at all or just nod and thank them? And that's from Noteless in New Jersey. Guys, this reason, this question is, this is not a joke, literally the reason I had to stop doing community theater. Because coming off, there's no, whether you're in the audience or coming off the stage,

that 15 minute period afterwards, where people will have to come up to you and tell you how sweet your voice is, or you have to tell them how you were moved and touched by this particular performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, is like the worst human interaction I think that you can be party to. Yeah. And if I may, Noteless, here's the problem. No matter what you ask them, you're not going to believe their response. No, trust me. Yeah. And if you say like, hey, so what'd you think? And they're like, man, it was so good. And you're like, no, really, honestly, what did you think? No, really, it was so good. I mean, okay, you can tell me like, because we're trying to get better. No, it was so good. So good. You're like the

early shins. I like it so much. There is no affirmation they can give you that you're going to go, oh, okay. Do you know what's going to be affirmation? When you get wet panties flung on stage, Ed Shea. That's how you're going to know. And they have to be wet. Why do they have to be wet? Why are these wet? Hey, who threw these wet panties up on the stage? That's gross. I think they have to be wet for aerodynamic purposes. I don't think you're going to cut one of these. True. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Oh, no, they're dry. There's not enough mass to them. Yeah, sure. They won't fall, inertia, you know, you need them. Yeah, you need inertia. That's a, that's like the food fighters had to ask people to stop throwing Mentos at them when

they played Big Me because that they're hard. Yeah, they're like little bullets, little minty bullets. Please don't do that. I think you're never going to get an honesty from people who are there, presumably your friends, or even if they're not like they're there, they're looking you dead in the eye. If you want honesty, get on the internet. Everyone will fucking hate you. The only reason that we're saying this, yes, thank you, Justin. The only reason that we're saying this is because I have never said anything bad about any art anyone's ever done to their face. And I try not to say it on internet even because I know how nasty the internet gets. Oh boy, howdy does it ever. She-mini-cre-mini. And you know the double-edged sword is like maybe, see, everybody also has that

like one friend that's like their straight shooter friend. That would be like, I'm going to give you my honest opinion. And you would think that that like, in your mind, you're like, that's exactly what I want. I want an honest opinion so I can grow and improve. But you don't. You super don't because then Jerry's like, I don't know, man, just send a little derivative of new Fugazi. Do they have new stuff? It sounds like new Fugazi to me. So if Fugazi had continued to operate as a band in an alternate dimension, this sounds very derivative. This sounds derivative of that. Then you would say, well, Jerry, thank you for your honest opinion. And then in your bed at night at 4 a.m. because you can't fucking sleep, you're like, God damn it, Jerry. My whole life is in

why. Why didn't you just fucking say it was good and walk away? Why'd you straight shoot me? Why'd you straight shoot me in the heart? That's why that's actually why people started bringing flowers to things. Because you could give someone flowers and then walk away and they'll, and you don't have to say anything. And later they'll think, I must have talked to them. Yeah. Because I have flowers here. Hey, take these. Oh, thank you. What do you think? I just fucking gave you flowers. I shouldn't have to tell you that. The interaction's over. I went to Kroger. We're done. I went to Kroger. To be fair, you guys, I think you're letting your theater show because I don't think a lot of people roll up to rock shows with flowers.

Maestro. Maestro, one more. I say play on. Bravissimo. Bravissimo. I, you don't, don't. The flowers have to be wet though, or else they won't travel. Don't do this. Just say thank you so much. And I, we really appreciate you coming. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Did we? Because I mean, after our live shows. Imagine if we were, if we did a My Brother, My Brother, Me live show and someone came up afterwards and they were like, hey, that was funny. And I was like, go on. Well, it's down. Tell me. Are you, are you physically exhausted from laughing? Yeah. I mean, I, we don't, like after our live shows, we usually just like fucking,

just like hang, right? Like we're almost ashamed of the shit that we just did and we don't want to talk about it. Let's move on. That's, no, I'm not joking. That's typically like, at the Chicago, after our first live show at second city, we went out to that bar. It was my birthday and I don't remember a lot of it because fucking Rocky Horror got me black out. But like, we all just drank and didn't talk about it. I feel like, am I misremembering? No, you're right. No, I didn't, I didn't talk about, I don't want to talk about it. That's the thing. I don't want to talk about it now. We're talking a big game, but like, that's actually the worst part about this is so stupid, but like when we do a live show and then we talk to people afterwards, I really,

like being in any way, like entertaining or worth listening to, I don't know if this is this way for genuinely talented people, but for me is a finite resource. I put it all into like an hour of doing a live show afterwards. Like, I know I suck. Like, I am not funny. I do not have any, the whatever neurons those are that connect me to saying like, not even funny, like applicable, like even relevant. You fried all of those connections. You can chart that between, so our Chicago live show where we did like 20 minutes and then we're like, what's up? Oh, this guy. And then our Austin live show when we did two back to back hour long episodes and went out for like five and a half minutes, we're like, uh, and fell asleep on the tables in the back of that

monk's place. I have a few. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Reed. Thank you, Reed. Uh, it's by Yahoo Answers user, Naomi, who asks, well, I quitted karate. Is that a good decision? Trainings are hard. My bro told me to quit. Oh, Jesus. Trainings are hard. My bro told me to quit because I didn't want to attend karate. So I quitted my parents don't. Hey, did you, were you found guilty for karate? No, I was acquitted. My parents don't want me to quit because they wanted me to protect myself when I grow older. So is it a good or bad decision to quit? So do you guys know anybody who did karate coming up? Yes, I do. I knew one. Chris Sizemore? Derek Moore. But like,

here's the thing. I feel like there was a mythos around karate or all forms of kung fu. And there still is, which is I'm learning it for self-defense. I don't think that situation has ever unfolded organically in the history of pugilism. I think that I think that is somebody who has dedicated 20 years of their life to mastering kung fu, and then they get in one bar fight, they, in that bar fight, in that moment, that primal moment of punch, they do not go, what did my sensei teach me? See, I disagree because I think in the moment of punch, it probably comes up, but like in the dark alley where dude like pulls a gun, you're probably not thinking like, I'm going to cry. Well, no, because you're not going to

fucking like throw a ball of chi at him. That's obviously not going to work. Oh, have you guys seen that thing though? We totally do that. When you're careening towards that drunk truck driver, you're not going to kung fu his car out of the way, Travis. When the fucking sun explodes and we experience the heat death of the universe, you're not going to fucking kick your way out of that one. Can I tell you the funny thing is though, as soon as someone says like self-defense, I'm taking it for self-defense, that is what I picture like fighting off. I'm 95 years old and this coronary is about to get me, but let me just chop it.

Done, fixed it. Fixed it with a chop, 90 years of kung fu paid off. People say they do it to defend themselves and if you really pound that math out, it is a bad investment no matter which way it breaks. In this situation, in this situation that you're envisioning, you're in mono and mono combat, hand to hand, no weapons allowed. Because make no mistake, my friend, if you have karate and he has insert sharp thing here, you lose. You lose. It's over. You get stabbed. That's why fucking knives and swords and guns were invented is because people like this fuckhole Anya who was like karate's too hard. I wish there was a substitute. Oh, you're telling me this knife is worth a hundred billion years of karate.

Okay, I'll just take that then. It's way easier. Yeah, how about just bring some mace with you? Because what you're talking about is four hours a week, right? Like an hour a week, four months, something like 50 hours a year of karate. You just pulled all that out of your butt. Why? That's not the wrong. Based on the latest statistics. Hours a year of karate training versus like the one opportunity you may ever have to just not get your ass beat as bad as your ass would have gotten. Also, with those karate classes, from what I know from watching movies and TV shows, you get your ass beat a lot. You get thrown around and like maybe that's the shit out of you. Like right now, I've never I've never

been in a fight in my life. I feel like I've talked about this in the podcast before and I'm afraid that first punch I'd be done. So maybe like being in kung fu classes gets the shit beaten out of you. So you're a little bit more used to getting the shit beaten out of you. But at the same time, it seems so, you know, I say this, but I watch at Tony Zha and like he's on some next level shit. I think that if he got embroiled, he would come out of the victor. But like, I don't know, I guarantee he's not going to master Tony's, you know, taekwondo class, right? Because that shit, you're like outside a bar and a dude is drunk and coming after you. You're not going to be like, so are you doing crane style or tiger? Oh fuck. And right now I know there are dozens of

people that are shouting at their iPods saying I don't do martial arts for self defense. I do it for mental clarity and physical exercise and newsflash. I can kick all your asses. If you are in a blanket statement, if you see me, fucking bring it. I'll take you to clown town. Go ahead, Justin. Oh, thanks. There's a fight. They are looking to you. You are the guy. You cannot use the excuse of, no, I just do martial. No, no, no. They're going to look to you Kung Fu, Kim, or whatever your name is to fight this fight for them. You're setting up unrealistic expectations, is what I'm saying. And I will say this too. I mean, counterpoint, if I were about to fight a dude in a bar and somebody else in the bar was like, you know, he's a black belt, right? I would run

away. It is good for that. It is good for intimidation. It's intimidation. But I would totally leave the situation. Is there such a thing as a dojo run by like a drunk dock worker? I have a judgey you can try. It's called all of them. If there was an illegal boxing gambling ring run by a drunk dock worker, that is the kind of shit that I would be on. You know what I mean? Yeah, like where's the dojo that like teaches you to like punch sides of beef? I'm a Miller's Highlife belt at my dojo. And it's just a belt, just like a regular belt with a Miller's Highlife label stuck on it. But it's the next the highest one you can get. It's the champagne. You know, I would I would go to a dojo run by like

Norman Reedus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want that kind of fighting. He kind of he's kind of is like a drunk the drunk dock worker of actors, though, right? I think that the the the the the the big problem with with karate is I don't have an end to the sentence. It keeps taking our jobs is the real is the issue. Sure. Something something comes down. Whatever. Let's ask. Let's answer a real question. Nobody does kung fu anymore. Nobody's ever done kung fu again. I'm sorry if we hurt your feelings and you do kung fu. If you're a McGraw, now that's some shit. That's some shit. I can crowd McGraw or Tim McGraw. You are Tim McGraw. Welcome to Tom. Welcome to Tim McGraw's crowd McGraw.

They'll teach you how to tumble, how to throw somebody, use their weight against him and not get your head knocked off. Welcome to Tom McGraw's Tim McGraw crowd McGraw. Hi, I'm Tom McGraw. People tell me I look like Tim McGraw, but that's just because my name sounds the same. Who wants to learn how to tussle? My brother Tim McGraw taught me his fighting style crowd McGraw that he invented. It was not I miss him every day. I miss him so much. I miss him. He died in a crowd McGraw accident. I've been pretending to be him for the last 20 years. Have you had sex with Faith Hill? No. Well, come on. Let's crowd McGraw. Everybody do in the crowd McGraw crawl. I don't think that is Tim

McGraw. I don't think that was Tim McGraw. Everybody crowd McGraw like you were dying. Let's go. That one. That one works. Thank you. Don't take the crowd McGraw lessons from my brother Tom. Don't take his shit. Don't take his shit. Crowd McGraw him. I mean, oh my god. I'm an Indian crowd McGraw. I'm Cherokee and Choctaw. I flip you over my shoulder. Oh my god. Oh god. Can anyone get me an I like it? I love it. I like it. I love it. I chop that guy's arm off. All right, let's answer a question. I love my boyfriend of a year. Oh man, guys, I got to start reading these before I start reading them. Gotta do a little prep. A little pre-pro. I love my boyfriend of over a year, very much. However, something's been bothering me lately. Whenever I need to vent to him about a

hard day or someone I don't like, he always feels the need to play devil's advocate, telling me they have a point or that I shouldn't have done something when all I really wanted was to get it off my chest. I know not everything that bothers me is entirely reasonable, but sometimes I just need I just need to hear what I want to hear. What should I tell him? Thanks. That's from Camp Vent in Kentucky. Sounds like this is his first time being a boyfriend. It sounds like his first, yeah, his first, well, significant other of any of any gender. It might also be his first time trying to be like a good boyfriend. It might be possible that he's been an SO before. And was just a shithead? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I'm bad at this too.

Like, I completely relate to this. Oh, this is so awful to tell you how horrible I am at reading human emotions. I actually have taken the shorthand and like when Teresa will start to vent about something, I will literally say, do you want me to be supportive boyfriend or devil's advocate boyfriend? There is litter. I do the exact same thing and maybe that's cheating. I don't know, but it seems better than guessing. Yeah, it is cheating because like, I don't do that. I have to just read, you know, read the room, read the variables. Is she perioding? Right, fellas? High five. Skype. Skype five. Wifi. I like that. No, I mean, I don't know what to say. Sometimes you just want to say something out loud and you don't necessarily want an argument about

it. You just want to be angry for a while. There was a moment last night where Teresa was telling me a story about something and I was just staring at her waiting for her to like ask for my opinion or ask for me like what to do. And she finished the sentence and didn't have anything else to say. And I was just staring at her. She was like, and she's like, and I'm really upset about that. And I was like, oh, yeah, no, that's shitty. That's awful. Oh, yeah. Were you were you honesty time? Were you listening to the completeness of the thought? It was one of two things. I was either so deep in it that I couldn't see the light to get out or I was thinking about like pizza. You were, you were, you were, you were pondering

an earlier phrase that she said, you were so busy processing that that you didn't hear, you didn't hear the punchline. That might be true. You didn't, you were so stuck on the descending action. It is really hard to shake the, to shake the impulse to fix. And I think that that is, that's something that I've always struggled with in, in, in my relationships that I, I never have. And, and, and I think Sydney is the first relationship I've been in where like I finally, because of just her telling me what I'm doing wrong and me sort of realizing it on my own and growing up, like it's, it's, it seems like a very healthy impulse to like want to fix everything. But man, that can, you can get into a bad situation very fast. The issue is like, I'm,

I'm always that guy. I am always like, well, let me find a way to help you. And so the way that it breaks down for me, again, let me preface, I'm awful at this, is I have a two step process. And the first step is, is there anything I can do directly to fix this to which the answer is almost always no. Right. And then step two is, can you find a teacher or an adult? Can you find a teacher or an adult that can help you out with this problem? Because there's an adult out there somewhere that will help you, a parent or a teacher, or a trusted close friend. Sydney has had problems, was having problems sleeping recently. And I tried to advise her with my vast amount of sleep knowledge. And then I realized that that didn't work. So I found out who the

sleep doctor was at the hospital where she works and started insisting that she talked to him, because he's an adult. That's what that is what I'm saying. It's a full proof method. Okay, I've gone through my entire checklist. I'm going to bump you up to an adult. Listen, I gotta elevate, I gotta escalate this. I really have nothing for you. I don't know any teachers anymore. They all fucking died. It's really unfortunate because you can't, I mean, it's frustrating. I get it from the guy's perspective. I mean, the devil's advocate thing, that's easy. Here's when people want you to be a devil's advocate, a never. Like they don't ever want that.

Trust me, they know what the flip side is. They don't need you to illuminate that for them. You can put your boyfriend on the line if you want, we can tell him that. It might not hurt to say like, I'm just gonna vent for a second, but But what if they need that truth? What if they're saying some bullshit and they need you to fucking grab them, pull them back down? Do you want to know the answer, Griffin? You don't do it. But what if they need it, Travis? This is what I'm saying. What if they need it and that's the secret, oh, if they want. Is somebody telling them, no, stop. They don't. Wait, well, want someone to disagree with them?

Yeah. Never. But what if they do is what I'm saying. Like, what if they don't? But they don't. What if they don't want it, but they need it? Griffin, we're older than you. They don't. They don't. They never do. And I mean they as in all people. When I hear like women or men, all people. When I hear Sydney is wrong about something or she's angry at someone else, here is the extent to which that is no one's, that is not the J-man's department. Do you call an adult, do you call a teacher an adult to come in and be like, hey, nope, wrong, wrong. I'm not getting it into a fight with you,

because this does not have an effect. Justin called me in and to tell you this, nope. Here's another piece of advice to the question asker. The time to discuss this with your boyfriend is not in the middle of this situation. Wait a minute. Who is going to start a conversation? No one does that. Hey, by the way, if I'm talking some bullshit anytime in the discernible future. No. What I'm saying is she, okay, so she's upset enough to feel they need to vent and then her boyfriend does something wrong. I guarantee she ain't going into it with a cool level head to be like, hey honey, side note, let me explain to you what's going on right now and

why I'm upset. Well, that, okay, that's fine. But the better thing is don't talk to him and just let him listen to this part and we'll tell him for you to not, because that way it won't seem aggressive. It's just like, hey, these, these zany brothers who sometimes talk about eggs for 20 minutes have a special message. It was like 10, but also to be fair, Justin was adding in the 10 minutes that we'll talk about eggs later. It's, it's just not worth, like it's not a fight. It's not a, it's not, you get no prize for being writer than the other person or because it very easily turns into you shouldering the burden of the person they're mad at. And that's what love is. That's what you do. How do you guys not get this? Whoever you're defending will never,

ever, ever, ever, ever make you some coffee or give you a foot rub or drive you to the airport. It does not matter. They lost the chance for you to be on their side when they were not at the altar or at the boyfriend vault. At the boyfriend store. At the boyfriend store. They lost, they missed their chance to have you on their team. Right. What I'm saying is they're not going to do those things unless you go to them and tell them what you did for them. I asked it as your, I was your second. I was your surrogate. I stood up for you. I stood up for you. Rub my tootsies. Hey, you don't know me, Trisha's boss, but I, can you put Trisha's boss on the phone? He needs to appreciate something. Listen, you're a great a bitch and my wife hates your guts, but I took that

hate from you, put it on myself and now I would love a foot rub. Hey, I'm going to Tucson next week. Can I get a ride to the airport? That's all I'm asking. It's not asking a lot. Wow, she wasn't lying. You are a bitch. Can I have seven dollars? I just want seven dollars. I'm also going to need to move in with you because she kicked me out. My relationship is permanently negatively impacted. All I need is one to the airport. I need $10 a month. Just that's it. That's not asking so much and in exchange, I'll give you some earbuds that I have. They have a rocket ship on them. You know, that's not asking a lot. Listen, I need $20 a month. If you give me $20 a month and this, this is probably overstepping our bounds, but I'll give

you some sex lube in a box. To be fair, if you're not cool with sex lube in a box, I can also give you a t-shirt. Yes, there's a substitute program. Are people, do you think people understand what we're doing? No, it's covert. It's subliminal. It's super liminal. Maximum Fun Drive is here, of course, friends, and we so appreciate your support. We appreciate extremestranes.com for their generous gift to help us make this drive the, well, the weirdest drive going on right now. Let's talk about the upper echelons. Let's talk about the premium rush. I saw that movie, such great bikes done, such great acting from Mr. Gordon Levitt. Now, you do remember that we set that up as a euphemism for being a douche, right?

Yep, I do remember that. So there are tiers, premium tiers, which is what I cried after I watched Maximum Rush. Justin, tell us, tell us what people are going to get. So we talked about 10, 20, 35. If you give us $100 a month, you're going to be one of Jesse's Golden Eagles. You're going to get, join the Inner Circle, which is a monthly club celebrating the best in comedy music and culture. A host of the Max Fun programs will pick a favorite book, movie, album, something else cool, and you're just going to get it with a note about why you'll like it. You're also going to get the rocks glasses, the intimate sensations pack, Max Fun earbuds, and you're going to be invited to the Max Fun dinner in L.A., which is before Max Fun Con,

and we will be there. Have a very special night. I went last year and hung out with Chuck Bryant and John Hodgman and the guys from Rift Tracks, but I also got to hang out with Dmitri Pertenoy, who is an awesome listener and a really cool guy, really looking forward to hanging out with him in Max Fun Con again. See, you could be that guy. A really awesome guy, yes. Two years before that, Justin and I went and got, Justin embarrassed me in front of John Hodgman, in the worst way possible. I saw a picture of it, if you ever want to see it. If you ever want to see, maybe you can put that picture up. It's like a special thing in the forums of when Justin made me the angriest I've ever been at Justin. It was a special moment. It was not a special

moment. It was the angriest I've ever, ever been at anyone, probably. Well, we're past it now. Are we? For $200 a month, you can join Jordan's Platinum Angels. You get all the shit that we've talked about so far, right? You also get free registration for the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival for boatparty.biz. What is that, you ask? You stupid idiot. How do you not know about this already? It's a cruise. It's a comedy cruise. You get on a ship from September 13th to 16th. You get on a ship and you get to do an experience comedy with people like Maria Bamford and Chuck Bryant and Dan Deacon and John Hodgman and Josie Long and Al Madrigal and Eugene Merman and Mark Marin or Mark Maron. John Roderick's in the mix. I think it's Mark Mariner. Mark

Mariners in there? Yeah, sure. It's Maritime Law that Mark Mariners. It's on Submariner. Kristen Schall is going to be there. Fuck. Fuck, why aren't we going to this? It's so dope. It's so good and we can't go because we're not allowed. We're not allowed on the ocean. I've never shown anything ever. Justin and Travis and I, before we were podcasters, we were whale molesters. You let us anywhere within 10... I'm only laughing because I feel so guilty. We would get 10,000 lease under the sea and then we would get one league inside a whale and it would, it, guys, no shit. It's the best feeling in the world. But we're not allowed to do it anymore. And the shame you feel afterwards. The shame you feel

afterwards is the most pungent shame you'll ever experience. But when you're, when you're, oh my god. Sometimes I read the parable of Jonah in the whale and it's like, I just can't control myself. I watch Pinocchio and I'm like, I don't, but, but yes, Kio is more like it. That's fuck. I like, I think I get on the forums and I read my Monstro slash Vic. Monstro is the whale from Pinocchio. And I just can't help it. I get my rocket lube and I spend two and a half hours right there on the web. And keeping my hands moisturized with the lube so that my knuckles don't get all cracky. I get, it's very dry in my office. Also, I masturbate. Maximumfund.org slash donate and you can just donate. If you donate, if you donate, I will never

talk about that shit. I just talked about it ever again. That's a guarantee. And it is also important that when you donate, that you post on Twitter or Facebook or something and say, hey, friends that haven't donated to the Max Fun Drive, you freeloaders, getting gear. There's only like four or five or six days left. I can't count, but it's time to get out there and support Max Fun Drive. I know you listen. I know you do. I know you do. You got joke thieves. Seriously, thank you guys. Thank you guys so, so much for for your support. It really does mean so much to me. I don't have the words to express my gratitude, my love, my affection, but it's there. You got to trust it. I love you guys as much as I love

getting bones deep in a whale. Do you guys want a Yahoo? This Yahoo answer was sent by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Magic missile one who asks, what if Sonic the Hedgehog was real? Whoa. If he was real and alive in our world. Well, that's it. That's all it is. Okay. Are we talking about Sonic, video game Sonic, or Sonic Joliel White Voiced Sonic from the Sonic Cartoon? Good question. If you fucking are capable of playing a Sonic game now and not hearing Joliel White's voice, you're out of your mind. Yeah. Because I feel like that Sonic could be reasoned with. I feel like if Sonic the Hedgehog was real, but it was one from the video game, it's basically you just have

like a blue rat looking for shiny things. Yeah. That's my, my important question here is, is he real in the real world looking like Sonic from the video game or is he real in the real world and he's just a really fast hedgehog? Can you reason? Like, does he have the, the faculties for reason? Because my guess would be dissection. Right. Why? Because everybody wants to know why he's so fast. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you capture Bigfoot, they wouldn't be like going about your business. Nobody's seen Joliel White in 15 years. And maybe he's inside Sonic the Hedgehog. We all talk about capturing Bigfoot, but wouldn't we know what to do with him when we got him though? You think so much about the chase. You never think about the in-game. You probably just,

you try to recreate Harry in the Henderson's and he would not be, he would not be down with that, I feel like. He would probably just want to maul you. How big is Sonic the Hedgehog? Is he the size of a regular hedgehog? Because that's like, that would be kind of, what, okay, what's worse? Sonic the Hedgehog is real and he's small, like a regular hedgehog. And so you never find him, or he's the size of a human, which is the scariest. Oh my god, you open your door and he's like, I was hoping you could give me some milk. And Sonic, you get out of here, you weird two and a half foot tall hedgehog. I hate your guts. But what if he's fucking eye level and he's like- Does he not sound like Joliel White? That was Justin's Joliel White information.

That's right, Joliel White. Justin, Justin and Joliel White is a matchstick girl. I did hide who did I do that. I would like some plates, could you put them in and have a cheese? Plays a cheese for me. You got any chili dogs? It's like a tiny ghostly Peebo Bryson. And Stefan comes out and he's like, hello, I'm Stefan, my voice is a little deeper. Come on, fuck. I'm still very upsetting. Do you love me? If he was real, I think he would find a very hollow, he comes from a reality where his entire world is built around not just his height, but his abilities. There was an architect at some point in Green Hill Zone who's like, I don't know, a loop here? And no one question the practicality of that. Maybe one day,

someone will be able to use this fucking thing. Because that's our only method, egress, from our home is that we have to run really fast to the loop and get out that way. And I also think I'm going to follow that up with a pit with some spikes in it. Whoa. Why would you do that? So if people fall down, they die. Yeah, we're just building like a hillside here. I want them to die. Why would you put spikes anywhere? Unless you're defending a castle. I see no use for spikes. I think Sonic the Hedgehog would find this to be a miserable existence because there would be a cabal of, I'll say, a certain kind of internet user, a certain kind of author

of a certain type of fiction that would hunt him down and fuck him to death. And now I'm imagining Julia White screams of protest. I'm out again. Jelly Logs. That one wasn't very good. Are we just now discovering that Justin does horrible, horrible impressions of Julia White? Replaced Julia White with everybody. And I think that you pretty much got my whole thing. That's my whole situation. What if one of the scientists that captured him were the same people

Oh, Jesus. We will continue to study him throughout the night. You all can leave and I will keep an eye on him. Hey, Dave, can you keep an eye on Sonic? We're all going to leave and shut off the security cameras to save electricity. So just don't do anything. Happy birthday, buddy. If you look in the closet, we've switched out one of the hazmat suits for a tail suit. Go wild. We know you've been lonely since the divorce. Just really go wild. Hey, guys, what's going on?

Do I smell chili sauce? You do. It's not. I want you people listening at home to know it might be worried about it. It's consensual. It is consensual. Like, this is not, we're not joking about. I think it would take some negotiation, though. Yeah, I think it would take. You show that fucker one gold ring like every woman. Oh, what? Jesus.

Are you going to take out that joke? I said, because I feel like I could do that joke better. Yeah, OK. Let me try it again. I think it would be consensual. Yeah, it would be. Come on, consensual. You show that guy one gold ring and he's ready to marry you like every woman ever. Boom. Got him again. Sorry, women. You had it too easy for too long.

You want to try it a third time? Yeah, let me try one more time. Yeah, give me a cue. Um, man, I would just really fuck Sonic's face off. His face on his face is on the ground like in the movie face off. None of this is useful. Here, let's try it. Let's try a fourth time. OK.

I would fuck Sonic's face off. That's my new ringtone. Please don't fuck my face off. Real quick, guys, we're heading out. We're going to leave you now. Those of you who are still listening, which I'm sure is a small fraction of those who began this journey with us. But one more time, I just really want to encourage you to go to maximumfund.org

for slash donate and give anything you can is really helpful to our network. I know a lot of people have asked about making one time donations. If that's all you can do, that is, of course, that money still spends. But monthly donations are really what help us to be sustainable as a network and help us to budget a lot better. And even if you feel like you can't do 10, there's a $5 a month level that still gets you all the bonus content and everything. That option is available to you.

So maximumfund.org for slash donate support the stuff you like because that's the only way that the stuff you like keeps getting created. And we are so, so, so, so grateful to everybody who gives and thinks the show is worth their money. I feel like there's usually some resistance that we see on Twitter because we only do this once a year. And so people who join in and haven't heard it before, I don't know, they are made uncomfortable by the fact that we ask for money once a year.

I guess twice a year, two episodes. But this year, I don't think I've seen any of that. And that's... Everybody's been so cool. Everybody's been so super fucking cool and you guys have no idea how huge that is to me. So thank you guys. It really does.

Like it makes me legit real world excited every time I see somebody tweet like, so happy to support mbmbam. Like, thank you a lot. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the long winter so he's for a team song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed.

He'll be at fucking boat party. I won't. I'll be at my house just thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a bathtub with a toy boat. Like it's the same. Thanks to everybody tweeting about the show like, Candice Pie, Ian Farrell, C.L. Jessica Riley, Patty Windsor, Tony Shilton,

Eric Nier, friend of the family, Jonathan G. Zuckerman, Natalie Bataglia, Gerrillo, Tyler Matheson, the goog. Everybody, thank you so much. We really appreciate you spreading the word. Thank you guys. This final yahu was sent in by Rachel Nier, another friend of the family. Thank you, Rachel.

It's by Yahu Answers user, Amanda Lynn Samples, who asks, Can my husband use Activia, the yogurt, or is it just for women? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad. School way on the lips.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.