My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 148: The Best Part of Waking Up

Episode Date: April 15, 2013

This week's episode features a WORLD EXCLUSIVE debut of a track off a highly anticipated album. Please do not rip it and put it on YouTube, or Spotify, or SoundCloud, or Google Buzz. Suggested talking points: Daft Punk Gerunds, Purest Plutonium, Pass it On, McDonalds Vetting, Laundry Hog, Pants Trap, Folgers, The Streak

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy, and boy, do we have an exciting, exciting way to kick off the show this week. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy, before Justin just skips all the way over me. Yeah, I'm the baby brother Griffin McElroy, and it's been a few episodes since I

said my name because I feel like this shit really just runs off the rails pretty much as soon as we start. So thank you for the opportunity. Yeah, so this is a formal world exclusive. We have obtained through some unscrupulous methods a leak track off the Daphne Punk. Is that what you said, Griffin? Daphne Punk, yeah. Do you know the name of that album? Just the title isn't even out there. I think it's called Daphne Punk You Brewster. Now, Griffin, you got to, sorry, Daph Punk, I'm reading my cue character here, Daph Punk. Can you tell us a bit about the track we're going to be hearing? Sure, so Daph Punk is a, they're one of those bands for like extreme music that just does

songs for commercials for, you know, like for The Gap. There was that one Gap commercial where the girl from Cape Fear just sort of danced in her jeans and was having a good time and then the two friendly robots came along and just like played her a song for her to enjoy the jeans in. Would I have heard them on Echoes with John D. Libertas? Were there gap commercials that ran interstitially? Almost exclusively. Okay, well then yeah, probably if it was like mid-2000s. All right, let me just push, let me get the cart here and I'm gonna pop it in to the old,

okay, it's all loaded up. Is it eight tracks? Jesus. Yeah, and I'm just pushing play. Bring the beat. Gonna fuck the beat. Oh yeah, bring the beat. We're gonna fuck the beat. That's what a robot voice sounds like. Do you have some oil? Do you have some oil? Oil, do you have some oil for my robot legs? My fingers are USB drives and we are gonna dance all night long today. What emotions?

Make sure to like really specify when the dancing is gonna take place. From seven p.m. to one a.m. We're going to get a solid chunk of time. Do you want to dance before you're very electrocuted? We are your dad's lords. Just a reminder, we have to be out of the rec center by 10. Music ordinances kicking at 10 30. Please buy a CD. That's their new CD chart or a Bible.

It's pretty good. Pretty good goose. Man, guys, I think that funk has lost its step. I've never heard their music before, but I can't imagine it wasn't better. Or is it edgier than it's ever been? That's a good point. Their formula is really just say a bunch of verbs. Just say a bunch of verbs or adjectives just back to back to back and it's solid.

How are they the gerunds? Gerunds texting, walking, running, looking. I would listen to that song. It's basically Schoolhouse Rock Live with a vocoder. So let's actually help some people this week. Thank you first before we go any further. Thank you to everyone who helped us to crush our maximum fun drive goals to those of you who are donors, new donors.

Thank you so much for sure. You're enjoying the show in a sort of a much more appropriate way than you ever have before. Or perhaps you are placing more scrutiny upon us than has ever you've ever decided to expend. All sales are final. Well, they're not final. It's a monthly recurring thing. All sales are final. All right, cool.

Let's answer some advice. I'll also thank you guys so much and thank you to Daft Punk. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you. I recently visited a college that's five hours away with a friend from school. He had been planning the trip for weeks and had intended to go alone. He invited me to accompany him at the last minute on the way home. He was very clear that he expected gas money from me.

He knows I don't have a job. Am I a freeloader for not feeling that I should pay for something that he has been prepared to pay for himself for weeks? That's from possible Cheapskate in Chesapeake and friend of friends. First off, that is a great name for your you're so lucky that your region dovetailed grammatically so well with Cheapskate. Secondly, that sucks. Yeah, he did a little rope dope there.

Well, let's answer some because there's so many variables, right? There's so many variables. Where were you going? Were you going to Chicago? Were you going somewhere cool that you sort of did you enjoy the trip in any way? Because if it was just a favor for your friend and fuck that guy. But if you got, you know, if you went there for a destination hot dog, then like you got something out of the experience that yeah,

maybe you should have to pony up. Well, well, here's the thing. I would say that if there was no discussion beforehand about splitting gas, if he was just like, hey, I'm headed up to, you know, Syracuse, you want to go? Like, yeah, I think that in most situations, there isn't implied like I'll help out with gas. But if it was never discussed, you're not you're not obligated. All right, so tough. It is tough.

And like, luckily, this is the kind of thing that like when you get a little bit older and at you and hopefully you and everyone you know becomes a little bit more financially secure, things like this and things like splitting the check just sort of stop being a problem or at least has big of a problem. But I mean, if he knows that you don't have any money, how do you not know what your friend's financial statuses are and then not put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable? Yeah.

And yeah, yeah, general rule. Hey, everybody out there as it's getting to the time of year when everyone's going on spring break together and college visits and everything, stay to your friends before him. Like, hey, I'm going to need you to pony up some cash afterwards. Yeah. And don't do it like you're going to break their knees because they got a free ride. But he was doing a favor. I mean, this should have been obvious.

Like you were obviously doing him a solid by going on this trip and not making him go alone to go college hunting, which will be a bummer. Also, side note, this guy's going to move five hours away. That $20 isn't going to move five hours away. The $20 is just going to be gone. So I think that if he wants to sever your friendship, that's his problem. He also totally invited you. So it's a little sketchy to be like, hey, you want to go with me?

Oh, by the way, now that you want to come, it's going to cost you. By the way, if you're going to split gas money, you got to do it tank by tank. And if you fill up one tank, he fills up the other tank. If you're going to split it, that's how you do it. You don't fill up all the tanks and say, let me crunch some numbers real quick. Let me do some mileage calculations. Let me see it. With the mileage and the juice, you now owe me 65.

Large. 65 large. It's $65,000. I drove there on plutonium, purest plutonium. What a dick. My car is fueled by Justin Bieber's fingers. So that is very pricey. Why is it his fingers?

It's pricey. Did you see that fool? Did you see that? Did he do the funniest thing? The fucking, the fucking, Travis, did you see this? No, what was it? I only find the exact quote. Hold on.

He, so Justin Bieber's visited the Anne Frank house like, like you do. Is this where your friend took you for a five hour drive? Because that's a thank you. We're going to go to Anne Frank University. That's a destination hot dog. You're going to love it there. He went there and he had such a great time. It's very meaningful.

It's a very, it's a stirring experience. One is struck at the Anne Frank Museum. And being so struck, Justin Bieber picked up pen, put it to the guest book and wrote. Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a believer. Hope, that almost sounds menacing, doesn't it? Like, if she knows what's good for her.

If she wasn't a believer, fuck that broad. If she walked the true and honest path, then my love would have protected her. Do you know what I think she would not have actually been a fan of? Anything that emitted any kind of sound whatsoever that may betray her position. She was a discreet young woman. And, and I think that you screaming the word baby, like some sort of shrieking Mandragora would would fucking put her sort of off a little bit. The man wears giant sunglasses and gold gloves.

Like she's trying to keep a low probe. She's trying to skirt it under the under the raid. And you are about as above the raid as there possibly is. Plus, she could she wouldn't be able to help herself from screaming and just grabbing at you, grabbing at your gins, getting off topic. We're getting off topic for the first time ever. No, but this is a, this is a legitimately shitty move. You weren't going, you were going to try to help him out.

You were certainly like not, this was not like a shared buddy trip. I mean, unless I think that unless you're thinking about the college too, in which case like, I mean, I guess, but even then it seems kind of wienery because it wasn't discussed beforehand. Like he blew it. You know, if he wanted that to be part of the arrangement, he should have brought it up before. I think that you are well within your rights to not necessarily be like, no, fuck you.

I'm not giving you half the money. But to say, listen, man, I don't have that money, but now I owe you a favor for the ride and I'll hit you back later. You know what I mean? And then it'll probably just drop and never be a thing again. Anyways, you got to kill your friend. You got to kill your friend. You got to kill your friend.

Man, we haven't dropped one of those in a while, have we? Listen, I've been watching a lot of Justify and when you don't got that money, you got to kill them. You got to either kill them or like, you got to trick somebody into getting the money for you from some bank that apparently has been robbed 18 times. The whole reason we have that ball ball disclaimer at the top of the show. Thank you, Bob Ball.

Is so we can advise people to kill people as a joke and then we can't get sued for it. And we are squandering that. Hey, can I tangent off for a second, you guys? Sure. Sure. I saw a commercial last night. You know those pass it on commercials or it's like integrity, pass it on, you know, sportsmanship, pass it on.

Saw one. Those are for Scientology, right? Yeah. I saw one last night where like a teacher is in her classroom, right? And it's all these middle school students and it's, she's given a test and the kid starts passing a note. So she rolls over like pins down the note with her ruler and all the kids like, oh, and she opens the note and it says, let's not cheat.

And she like looks at the kids and nods and the title comes up. Honesty, pass it on. The conspiracy, the conspiracy is off. Abort, abort. But like, is the phrasing of that note not something that the teacher go, wait, hold up, wait. So like until this moment, it was down. Like, oh, you know what I'm saying, guys, let's not cheat.

What a wonderful way of casting dispersions on your seat, mate. You have to pass him a note. I was like, I don't know what you said. I don't know what he's talking about. No, I will not gay kiss your wiener. Let me see that note. No, I will not gay kiss your wiener. Honesty, pass it on.

Todd. Todd. This is an all girls school. You're an absurdist comedian. I think you're fantastic. I think you're great. Todd. I love your work.

Like a young Andy Coffman. You want a y'all here? Yeah, please. This Yahoo, oh god, it's the IRA ratio this week. Hold on, I'll give it, I'll give it to you. I'll give you the fucking prompt. Okay. This Yahoo is sitting by.

I want to make sure I'm ready. This, oh fuck. Were you going to warn me beforehand? I'll say is, I'll say the only prompt that you have, that we know, that you've come to know, the relationship that we built, I wasn't going to betray that. This Yahoo was. Thank you.

This Yahoo was sitting by IRA. Wait, I wasn't ready. I'm done. Thank you, IRA. Just want to say, give it to you one more time. This one's sitting by IRA. IRA, who wants to know? How did you do that with your mouth?

You're going to have to pass it. Can you pass me the tabulature to that song? Because it sounded like you played a J-shark. It sounded like you played an R, R minor seventh. It also sounded a little bit like you were just giving him in Western movies. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Thank you, IRA.

No, it's not that. Here it is. It's not going to. Are you IRA? Sure, sure, sure. Thank you, IRA. It's by Yahoo. Introduce your Pharex who asks.

Please don't interrupt it, because it's so good. How does one become the official Ronald McDonald? I see that McDonald's uses basically one actor for all their media. And just out of curiosity, was wondering how one goes about applying to be the Ronald McDonald. Have checked out their website and it is never a job position open. Not that I want to be him, but just was curious how something would go about becoming.

First of all, horse shit. Of course you want to be him. Everyone does. Who in their right mind would look up to see if that position was open if they weren't trying to fill it? And you know you want to do it for the ladies. Gentlemen, I have before me a list of all the actors who've ever played Ronald McDonald.

They only use one at a time. Is this for real? Yes. It's like Dr. Who? I'm going to ask you skill testing questions about the actors who've played Ronald McDonald. First off, since 1963, how many actors do you believe have played Ronald McDonald? 12.

Since 1963? Yeah, six. Incorrect, nine. Split the middle. We would have fucking had it, Travis. Let's work together on the rest. Okay. No, Travis.

Wait, let's not cheat. I don't want to cheat anymore. I came up with the idea first, but let's abandon that. Let's abandon that. I'm going to give you four names. You're going to tell me whether or not they were actual actors. The actual names of actors that played Ronald McDonald. Okay.

Jack the Pecky. Okay. Joe Magard. King Moody. Squire Friddle. I'm going to say all are actual. All are real. King Moody played Ronald McDonald from 75 to 1984.

With a name like that, you simply cannot have a bad day. I also imagine I want that to not be his Christian name. I want that to be like, he was sitting there going, I just need something to set me apart from the other applicants. Or like his wife was like, man, why are you so down all the time, King Moody? And he's like, stop digging. You have struck gold, my lady. I also would point out how much Joe Magard sounds like, oh my god.

Joe Magard, Joe Magard, you guys, I am horrified of this person who walks into a McDonald's with like Ronald McDonald clown makeup and kit. He's wearing his Ronald McDonald glad rags and he walks into a McDonald's like, here I am. Look no further. Look no further. You found me. Is this the audition zone? Is that what they call those?

I'm ready to ace this thing. I'm ready to ace this audition in the audition. Sir, please get out of the ball pit. Why not? This is what, this is what Mac does. This is what me, Mac do. He played the role, King Moody played the role for like seven years. It's insanity.

Yeah. You know what? I would like to see it like you see a list of like all the heavyweight champions where it's like King Moody versus Black because I think it's like a yearly thing. Someone steps up and they're like, I'm ready to be the new Ronald. And then you got to fight it out and then eventually someone displaces and that's how they become the new Ronald. Who was the Ronald McDonald during our childhood?

Uh, well, it was mainly Squire Fredell, I guess, who was, who had the, the part. Is there an active, there's not an active agent right now, right? He's sleep, he's a sleeper. No, Brad Lennon is the active agent. What the fuck? I haven't seen a fucking Ronald McDonald in a commercial in a grip. I actually really like- Is he just, is he just the body that they did the cast of for the, the, the statue that sits

out on the bench with his arm around you and then- That is actually a coffin made just for him. That's where he lies and wait. You ready for the activation order? Actually, if you click on the bio of Brad Lennon right now, it takes you to the page for Ronald McDonald, which is a very sort of- God. Dread Pirate Roberts vibe that I enjoy.

By the way, guys, I conducted a survey among our listeners a couple of weeks ago and they said their favorite thing is when Justin does internet on tape. Who has the time to read the internet when Justin can just read the whole thing to you? It's everyone's favorite. There's someday I'm gonna get through the whole thing. IMDb is so deep and it's like, it would take me ages to read all of it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Justin's got you for your car, for your kitchen, for your home. I will read the internet to you anywhere. Anywhere. Anytime. I hope to High Heavens that McDonald's never does the thing that- I feel like a couple places have done it. Wendy's is the latest transgressor where they take their mascot and they turn it into a real human being with real human being attributes and then have them talk about how fun their food is.

Like Wendy's has- Are you talking about that red-haired girl? It's a red-haired girl and she's like a real girl now. She's just like, you know, an attractive looking- But you know what's funny? I've never once seen a single Wendy's commercial though where she is called Wendy. No, but come the fuck on. There's clearly- well no, here's the troubling thing though about this commercial.

There's also a Wendy's commercial airing opposite that one that features actual Wendy and she's an overweight middle-aged woman. So that's gotta be hard to see that they've like recast you as the person you are. They also have a Wendy's commercial in which the cartoon, you know, emblem of Wendy's speaks. I'm like that either. So it's like a it's like a father-son-and-holy-ghost kind of thing that they've got going on. That's really creepy. One of these Wendy's is gonna do it for you.

You will be able to beat it to one of these Wendy's. I hope to Jesus, if you're a McDonald's executive and you're listening to this episode of the podcast, thank you for your patronage. But also if you ever make a commercial featuring a Ronald McDonald who is not a clown, can you imagine like a hip reinvention of Ronald? He's like a he's like a 22-year-old hipster that just like talks about how fun it is to eat chicken dippers. I mean, he's carrot top.

Like like if we bring him into the real, if we bring him out of cool world. I referenced that movie the other day. I said the cartoon movie with Brad Pitt that wasn't Roger Rabbit and people thought I was fucking smoking crack. I need to get with it. Get with the program. How do you pick? Okay, so the question, the pressing question.

Actually, how much when they pick a pope, they dig deep, right? Like they have to get into his history. If you do that with the president when you're vetting your presidential candidate, like how deep do you have to go into the closet of the man who will be playing the giant? Oh, yeah. Can I child befriending my opinion? My take on it?

I bet it is like president vetting plus pope times three. Yeah. Oh, it's got a bit. Well, yeah, because how do you find a clown? Because I imagine they're looking for former clown experience. How do you find a clown that hasn't at least killed one kid? How do you do that? Good luck.

How do you thread that needle? You can't thread that needle. The two go hand in hand. You got to like Captain America it and just take like a normal guy who hasn't been a clown and then get Stanley Tucci to eject stuff in him. How do you think clowns know what kids find so funny? It's because they've cut them open. They got inside there.

This is getting dark. I don't know how Squire Fidel is so easily able to touch the heart of a child. Yeah, because he knows like exactly where it is. Exactly where the A or does. Do you think at this point he's Knight Fidel? I hope so. Let's answer any question. One other note about Squire Fidel super quick.

He was the Ronald McDonald in Mac and Me. So if you've seen Mac and Me. Please turn to side two. I knew that one though. I didn't know. You didn't know shit. Mac and Me only made back half of the budget. Stop it.

Stop it. Please. You want another question. Jesus. Not Mac and Me related. And not from Wikipedia. Is that what you're telling me? Yes.

At the college dorm in which I resided for the past semester, there is a shared set of washing machines and dryers for students usage in the building basement. While my laundry is washing, I'll generally spend time up in my room or chatting with friends. However, if I'm away from my clothes for any amount of time they are done in the wash, it's likely another resident will remove my clothes, place it on top of the washing machine, and set their own clothes to wash. This happens also when I use the dryer and my friends have all tested the same.

Am I mistaken in thinking this is a violation of my right not to have my underwear viewed publicly and touched by foreign hands? Or am I just being oversensitive? What should I do to prevent this from happening again? Not a nudist in New England. There's a really easy solution to keep this from happening again. And that's fucking just stay let just take your shit out of the shit when it's done. Because people are busy too.

Other people are busy. I would also ask like kind of the one factor is it depends on the size of the laundry room. Is this like you guys share one set of washer and dryer or there's like 20 sets of washer and dryer and someone's just being an ass? I mean it's obvious. As your question, someone will see an empty washing machine, see a full one of your clothes and say well fuck that guy. You know at my college in my dorm there was like there were sets of washers and dryers

that people would just wouldn't use because they all had different opinions of like oh no it takes way too long to dry in those and it won't get it all the way done and that washer smells weird. So yeah there would be like people had favorite washers and dryers that they would do that. That's fucking bonkers. It was. And then I saw one time like somebody put tennis shoes in a fucking dryer and like destroyed the dryer.

How's that potpourri spreading? Yeah let's heat these up. Let's get the funk out of these. And they like ductated the dryer shut because like you know it would knock the door open. It was the fucking stupidest thing. You are living under the assumption that everybody in your dorm is a pervert and that they will like when they are taking your poopy boxers out of the washer they're like looking at them and just like oh god yes this is just what I this is just how I wanted to spin my Tuesday

is touching something that has touched a complete stranger's bung. This is just what I needed. But even that sexual the sexual evidence has been erased by washing. Exactly. You can't even trick yourself into thinking there's some still going on. And they are soaking wet. There's there's young fresh bung butter on there. It's just oh god beautiful.

This is this is exactly what I. If there's anything I love touching more than strangers undergarments it's when they're also moist the fuck no it's gross and it's kind of rude. And you did it it's your fault and you did it go downstairs and wait to like wait to do that. Find out how long if you're if your complaint is man I hate waiting for my laundry to be done. Yeah yeah yeah everybody. Everybody does you know what people also hate waiting to start doing their laundry waiting to wait for their laundry to be done because somebody left their shit in the shit.

Just take it out. Set aside my phone. That said I'm going to tell you how to do it. Okay. And I've never done this before but it occurred to me and I think it will work. And it requires that when you put your laundry in the machine no one else is in there. Okay. You're going to pop a sign the same size as the window of the washer and dryer that says out of order.

Oh okay. Your shit is done and people come downstairs they're like oh well that one doesn't work and they're going to leave your shit alone. Let's just hope they don't come in while it's a fucking function. Even then my point being that it will put a seed of doubt in their minds and they're like well someone put their clothes in but what if it is like you're not supposed to you know burn their clothes there to like make your clothes smell like dookie. Well then why don't you why don't you put more make it more specific or and put a sign on it

that says like this is this is super hot it'll it'll cook your clothes. Or if you just put a sign up on the dryer that just says is a microwave. Do you like that? That would be pretty good. The first time that you go to leave your your washing or drying unattended and you put jelly on the handle then you went um you went if you could ideally you would be waiting in an adjacent washing machine just pop out there jelly. Justin just fucking went through college with a bandolier of Vaseline around it just

dishing out justice like you parked a little close to my car let me just slurp. Vaseline might be more pleasant though like if you have jelly on your hands that's like your whole day yeah oh syrup syrup syrup fucking forms a biofuse with your hand it it melds with your DNA or like poop come on Trav what I come on a logical conclusion come on you're right how do you get the poop from your butt to the head a little bit we were talking about like your brain like things you can put on pancakes and just some jinx man not not like we're gonna hide jinx not like fucking federal prison god damn for butts you really shot the cannon indoors on this one Trav I feel awful yeah you guys want yahoo yeah I do actually um oh this is this is oh god such

a great segue uh this one was sent by IRA are you IRA who wants to know it's by yahoo answers user bob who asks how to hurt someone stole your money someone stole 20 dollars for me and I know they will try again I was thinking of putting a mousetrap in my pocket so the next time they try to take it pop ow yep should I do this backfire at all should I do this or something else to cause more harm I want to have evidence but I don't want to ruin my pants in the process maybe a needle into an ideas what it deny any ideas okay there okay wait okay so they had a okay so they had a $20 bill in their pocket they noticed the $20 bill had gone astray and they thought that what had happened was someone reached into their pants pocket and taken a $20 bill out this same person

has this sort of fundamental misunderstanding of just mousetrap physics or just physics it just spatial physics in general unless you're wearing some fucking jinkos unless you're unless you're sporting those jinkos you could put a fucking landmine that you could put a claymore of those things and it would be fine some jinkos come with landmines that's actually the best answer is by yahoo answers user fred who says go to walmart by duct tape and several pvc pipes oil and glass also by a radio and a receiver put the oil and shards of glass inside the pvc pipes and close up the ends with duct tape once you do this put a radio receiver on each pvp pvp pipe use your radio to set off the pipes once you put them in and around his house

the result of this that didn't make any what the result of this is that he will die that's how you get back at him smiley face source x marine yes oh x marine you've solved the problem so elegantly whiskey tango fox try we got a x marine x marine the one the one ingredient you left out of your explosive device is any kind of explosive well they said oil so like you know how whenever you like are on a walkie-talkie and you send a message to one of your friends and an electrocutes them a little bit uh-huh just a bit that's why i said they'd be anywhere near any kind of oil i saw this happen on mythbusters it's fine i think that if you are building uh a solution to a problem if you're constructing a solution to a problem chief among the requirement of the uh for it to

be a valid solution is that does not kill you in the process and i think that you are really rob and peter to pay paul for this one because you will die um won't be great to you those if you destroyed his house and he just barely survives and looked at you and's like why did you do this i'm like because you took that 20 dollars out of my pocket you mean the 20 dollars in this month glass covered burning ash across the highway that used to be your asshole that was a full king solomon you just like destroyed it so neither of you could have it to prove that you love that 20 dollar bill more um the butt surgery you require tragically is is going to cost much much more than that and then and then after all said are done you remember that like you loaned him that

20 when you were drunk i think you gotta put a plastic bag in there and you put some sort of some sort of material on there or just cover your 20 and vastly yeah or maybe if there was god if there was some sort of some sort of secure some sort of way to secure your wallet like to your body that would look cool and also kind of tough and sort of like let people know what kind of music you listen to what if the material you put in your pocket that gets on his hand is some sort of bioluminescent marking fluid that signals the drone strike attack this is that is predicated on you also having access to drone sex marines i also though i would can't report you by saying that is important that whatever solution you come up with costs less than 20 dollars why don't you

kill them with this drone strike that cost me 20 000 dollars worth it or just start caring on ten dollar bills and then they get they go through all the work to pick pocket you and they say what it's a 10 and you turn around say enjoy enjoy the ten dollar bill it's half of the haul you thought this isn't pretty good well nothing you turn around and go in this economy and then you kick them in the face yeah you say that doesn't fix anything i got a soda outside the hb so it's just parched and i put in two dollars for the dollar 25 charge for the soda as a wild cherry pepsi so i was pretty excited it's rare that i treat myself to a wild cherry pepsi and the fucking machine spat out seven times in a nickel and i just i swear to god i just turned and walked

away from it i said nope that's gonna be something that's gonna someone's gonna enjoy that but it's that's not for me seven times a nickel that's not for me thanks three quarters and then we can fucking talk about it but what if you have big enough pockets right and you just converted it 20 jinko jeans into like into dimes or like nickels and like somebody went to pick pocket you and they're just like what the fuck i'm gonna be here all day i'll tell you an element that would help to set this goof off if there was some coin smaller than nickels listen i didn't want to get ridiculous okay justin two thousand pennies you wouldn't be able to walk yes you would and you're fucking jinko jeans it's like you haven't watched Dawson's cream you would have to triple belt it

oh god that's kind of muddy son i'm seeing you stealing money happy birthday to adam roads from marlena uh his bday was march first you missed it by missed it by a bit missed it by a scosh here's the thing though this is not marlena's fault we done fucked up what did we do jumbo tron 5000 our robot our robot jumbo tron 5000 blew it he had it he was working on his new def punk album and he messed this one up so he lost track of time we are very sorry about that running walking going to the store and buy oh wait fuck what day is it ah fuck oh oh i missed her birthday again is he gonna call apologize of course not no this is this is that's us the third member of daft punk is just a drunk deadbeat dad i forgot to thank you up from soccer

practice oh no today tonight we will go getting ice cream from the baskin robbins at 7 30 after your sister gets home from ballet this was a goldfish that i left in my van and now it's dead but i thought you'd like it anyways i thought you'd like it anyway either way you learn about real life uh so happy birthday to adam he's officially in his mid 20s he's an old man and marlena says she hopes that this year brings you a wonderful balance of success and fun so we are sorry that we messed this up by six weeks uh and we're really sorry i'm turning 26 this week and i was debating um what yeah now i gotta be in my mid or late 20s mid mid mid when is it crossover like 20 first three years is early 20s mid three years has been 20s last three years is late 20s

okay you got an extra year there travis is telling himself that because he's about to turn 30 that's correct 30 30 though yeah flirty 30 i'm gonna buy myself a jumbotron message squirty 30 no no uh travis we got any other messages yes they're on the paper in front of you i know that you know that there are do you want me to read them yeah just want to okay um this next one unless you read two simultaneous that would be a real time i can try this next message is for calvin and it's from maria and maria wants to wish calvin happy 30th birthday calvin calvin is my sexy nerdy best boyfriend oh i i hope he's also your only boyfriend yeah i went with hope why aren't you down with you know what you're right griffin in this day and age i hope that she has several um wonderful

boyfriends but calvin is the best hands down yeah i mean regardless of how it shakes out that's kind of rude i think calvin's the highlighter he's on top i bet he is six uh he introduced her to uh my brother my brother me on a road trip from vancouver to montana and you still bring this 30-year-old man to tears laughing i think that's one to us oh that's hard to tell semantically i'm confused support from our brother my brother me comes from audible.com provider of digital audio books and more if you want to listen to it audible has it with more than 100 000 downloadable titles including fiction non-fiction and periodicals you will find just what you're looking for my brother my brother me listeners might enjoy packing for mars by friend of the family maria

riche for free audio book of your choice and a free 30-day trial membership go to audiblepodcast.com my brother that's audiblepodcast.com slash all one word my brother yes she's got a new book coming out it's out sydney i got it for sydney oh gulp gulp gulp it's all about the things that happen it's all about big beverages i'm a drink now very this spring mary roach gets refreshed some people like sprite but i prefer serumist chapter two brace your brace your bladders we're we're getting 42 ounces of learning into this chapter did you know you can drink things with your vagina chapter three speaking of which there's only one way to get liquid in your vagina i bet and that's with a a toy from extremistrains.com not a toy it's not a toy you know what i mean

toy a screwdriver isn't a toy it is a tool that is that is used for a purpose to achieve a goal it's all for play it's all great i've never once heard someone say like i'm gonna go buy myself a new sex tool well that's because they don't understand that the word toys appears no fewer than 13 times on the front page of extremistrains.com i don't think you know well they don't want to scare people off but orgasms is work you know what i mean hey are you sitting down for some sex work extremistrains.com is an adult super store you might remember them from donating the lube you've been using if you're a maximum fund member but now they're they've uh they're they're coming for all of your holes uh with things like the zeus deluxe digital power box i don't know

what it does i don't think anyone i think but it is digital it looks like it's not a puzzle box that you solve and then pleasure demons come and tear your sack apart it looks like an off brand taiwanese game boy okay so i don't think it's that it does have optional penis bands if you okay i'm getting it okay starting to understand the how the simple machines interact there's a pulley involved you put your dick on a wedge so thank you to extremistrains.com if you go to uh the site and use the coupon code what is it what is it now this is what i was fucking afraid of it's not sexy garfield sexy garfields been compromised sexy garfield has been advised fanny fanny time fanny time fanny time fuck and i did absolutely 100 someone uh tweeted with mb mb am and the hashtag

fanny time and i absolutely block them from the memory of the memory of my account and my personal account yeah that person is dead to me i called out like four or five people yeah and one person literally said i just want to see if griffin was paying attention but we told you not to do that well actually just on just on him i definitely didn't see that one so fuck that guy seriously guys that's the worst please hey guys can you do me a favor and not do the opposite of this thing eh internet fart it's the fucking it's the fucking internet equivalent of making armpit farts so stop it okay stop it cut it out hi i'm homo sensual brine stoppy and i'm feministy erin gibson and we host throwing shade where we

take a weekly look at all the issues important to ladies and gays and treat them with much less respect than they deserve it's for gay people it's for straight people it's for lady it's for people who love to laugh who love comedy and love tragedy and love crying and who hate drinking and driving because that's messed up don't text check out throwing shade subscribe for free in itunes or go to maximumfun.org uh here's another question hey brothers three when i have a bunch of people over to drink at my house and i wake up before them in the morning what am i allowed to do can i clean do i have to stay as silent as possible that's from the hungover host in st paul is it these parties that you have in why aren't we invited why aren't we invited i like this i like

this question by the way i'm this is me all over i like to wake up early i don't care if i am hung over yeah i'll power through yeah you know you're actually if you're hungover you're more likely to wake up early um no you you clean you clean you don't worry about staying silent because nothing is better than like fucking tearing shit up and getting real raw and rowdy and then you wake up in the morning to a fucking sparkling lemon fresh house and if you can be the person that facilitates that you're gonna earn a lot of social capital among your friends i would i think they're asking like do i need to stay quiet so i don't worry about waking up my drunk no no no no if they can't sleep through it then they're not really hung over it's a catch 22 they must not

have been that tired the first place i feel like there's a certain amount of like unspoken social contract where it's like hey if you crash after we just have a wild party and trash is my house if you crash on my couch you help clean up the next day doesn't it seem a little passive aggressive though to awaken to the party host like oh no no stay comfortable no they're like running a dust buster over your dusty crummy cleaning up your self mess you don't please you did throw up on my dad but no please state you look so cozy like a snug bug in a rug the bigger tactical error that you've made here is if you have a party where everybody's drinking is at your house the only best thing that you can do is you have to you have to clean up

while you're drunk because you will not it is like it's like walking you know walking when you're drunk is like teleporting you think to yourself i'm going to go to this place and then the next thought you have is hey i'm at this place that was amazing that's what cleaning when you're drunk is like because you don't the time does not grate on you you don't feel it you're just like in manual you know you're in you're an autopilot why is the coffee table in the front yard shut shut up shut up i cleaned it clean the floor was dirty all over it and so i clean i there's more room now has anyone seen the cat oh shit i cleaned it oh shit you tore the ceiling fan out of the ceiling yeah for a ceiling bocce ball cleaned it got in the way of ceiling bocce

if you're if you're genuinely worried about this just put a put a pan of bacon on you put a pan of bacon on nobody's gonna be upset about waking up because they didn't want to everyone's gonna wake up like fucking Wayne Brady in that Folgers commercial like fucking doing little twirls down the hall ready to roll i'm still bac one two one but i don't fucking care yeah hand me that palm all of let's get real let's go let's go mr clean on this bitch hey i barfed in the mop water is it it's probably cashed right it's probably not good to go anymore right you should probably swap that out listen i gotta go to the hospital and get a saline drip i am not gonna come back from this on my own do you think the fucking bacon the bacon council we're like a day away from publishing

that first commercial that was like the best part of waking up is bacon and then fucking Folgers heard they fucking spied on it and it was like we were gonna go with the second best thing because i mean that's where we fall in the hierarchy but let's scoop them is there bacon flavor coffee no but there yeah i'm sorry yes there is i'm sorry there's big ironic ironic small business owners there's at least one that was like fuck it put bacon in it i think if someone made me Folgers as opposed to the being the best part of waking up that would actually be the worst thing they could do for me to me because then like i have to drink it yeah i have to drink their Folgers and like you like to have fancy Brazilian shit right if your coffee comes in a tub bigger than your head

you probably are not eating having that gourmet stuff it's probably not the good stuff i didn't know that's what you do i didn't i didn't realize we've gotten so far above our range yeah jesus jesson it's not like instant but you know i don't think that's what we're working with but i you know jesson i'm down here in the real america drinking my blue collar just hard work in america from your from your ivory tower in west virginia you could you think you're above everyone god do you guys even grind your own whole bean coffee don't you yeah absolutely i do with a bird with a bird coffee grinder i grind exactly what i need that morning and i and i and i cook it that way you sound like a frenchman i do like a french roast that's my jam too oh but i get it from but i get it from

h e b which is like fucking do you get whole bean or you get ground i uh i i oscillate i switch it to sometimes sometimes i'm afraid i get pre chewed pizza yeah that's the same thing okay but whole bean coffee is weaker than pre ground that doesn't make any sense well okay you know you have to grind it this doesn't taste like anything sometimes i just eat spoonfuls of coffee just to wake up because i'm american what if you jerk off every morning and like before you do anything else you think that becomes the best part of what you're saying the best part of waking up is beating it the best in a cup the best part of waking up is full juice in your cup unless you jerk off every morning before you drink your full juice and also is somebody making bacon because

it could pretty much be number three hey brother so you and i have a bunch of people over to drink at my house and i wake up before them in the morning what am i allowed to do can i masturbate or do i have to say silence pause can i masturbate or cook bacon you cook the bacon the crackle of the bacon's fat provides it provides a smoke screen an audio smoke screen for you to jerk behind and then the jerking and forgetting that you're cooking the bacon provides a literal smoke screen because there's a grease fire in your house worth it though trust me no one is going to be upset if you wake them up from their hangover sleep because of a grease fire we gotta get out give me like 45 more seconds

yeah so yahoo die um you guys want a yahoo i do this yahoo is sent in by kaleb ostin thank you kaleb it's by yahoo answers user steve jansen who asks what song would you listen to on route to eliminate bin laden now i'm just being a little foolish granted i'm sure those seals were way too busy to be listening to music having said that i had to ask after hearing about obama coming out to the press dinner to hulk hogan's real american did that happen i don't remember that so what song would you kick bin laden's blank blank blank to i'm just glad that this person acknowledged their whimsy beforehand if it's not christmas shoes to get real you want to get rid of the world stop turning what are you even doing guys you listen to christmas shoes and you think

why did his mom have to be so sick on christmas and then you also then you make the leap to it was probably bin laden's fault and then it's a it's a christmas shoes vengeance case because you put on your your christmas shoes to put a boot in his ass i would listen to the theme from night court he would not see that coming um yeah it's got to be the theme to like growing pains or something like that it's got to be that smile again well i need something to like remind me of what's so great about america and there's nothing greater than the fact that alan thick wrote a theme song for his own television show now yes he is canadian i will give you that i will i will see that point to you i think i would compose my own song how would that go

trap i think just i don't know because i would have to be inspired by the moment but i'm saying as i take i assume a chopper of some kind sitting in a chopper with my best friends on a mission from a god my best friend is really a gun he's always been there for me is jump by van halen a little gauche i feel like if i if i was bumping that so loud through my maximum fun earbuds that i got through the max fun drive and like my compatriots heard it they would look at me like come on man have a little respect for the guy no i think the appropriate song is no deity by black street what song are you guys most embarrassed that you psyched up on an ironically pumped by what that would be gold transient by kasha and ironically i said

yeah completely on ironically i'm a huge kasha fan does that get you like pumped though yeah i fucking get it's the fucking jam okay so that gets you and it's all about america like she references fucking like linard skinner didn't shit in there like magic carpet ride i really like um about harlem shake song except i like everything before that drop i like everything like the build up is so great and the drop i feel like kind of lets me down a little bit i usually just stop those videos right there i really don't get that i don't get it i don't get it it's more fun to stop it before it gets the drop and just pretend like it's a person only i can see yeah and no one else in the room is aware of that person's presence sometimes i'll listen to the streak

just get pumped up while you're killing us all a bit modern yeah that's like that's like my that's what gives me a murder boner if you're gonna listen i mean if you're gonna listen to uh uh what's that motherfucker's name racy evens if you're gonna listen to a racy even song about why you're killing osama bin laden yeah why would you not listen to i know osama yo mama i know it's the obvious it's the obvious choice i i don't know i tell you what i wouldn't listen to is the soundtrack to zero dark 30 snooze fest where's the fucking where's the right where's the trip you know what i mean you want like one and like even if it's just one tune like as soon as when they tried to time for true shred as soon as andy dweyer puts two in his chest i want it to be like fucking got him for

freedom and like that's the only part of that movie where something like that happens especially if it was just that just a musical sting so motion as he fell to the floor like take that for 9 11 you dick and then that's the that's cut to black don't i think i'm nominated for best song don't look ethyl they call him the streak but don't get tarzan bugety bugety osama got run over by reindeer you would have to change the ending of that movie for that song to work there because it's christmas is when it happened god wouldn't that be the best christmas present of all is that the world's greatest evil perpetrator god this takes care of what if they called that

movie taking care of business and he's like well tcb called back to party and then but they can't play taking care of business because the rights are too expensive and they belong to office man they belong to office you took care of business you're the one the business man the second song on rey stevens osama your mama album is called hang up and drive i bet that's fucking funny don't you think that that's probably a pretty funny song i just want to say how proud i am of rey stevens for really taking on the hard-hidden issues yeah he's fighting he's fighting um irrelevance with every bone in his body you can't ban my plastic bags there's a plastic bag ban in austin i don't know maybe it hasn't reached you

you fucking gas gas guzzlin cold chuggers so this has been my brother my brother and me it's an advice show for for the era in which we live now which is to say the modern one um thank you so much for taking the time to listen and and spending an hour with us it always it always makes us really happy that you do that do you want to thank some twitters did we get did we get did anybody tweeted us everybody tweeted at us matthew johnson santa eric uh baidon martin uh drew davenport tylo matheson uh alan helterman ruben killer uh david meowie a foster justin thank you to everybody uh tweeting about mb mb a.m uh use the hashtag of mb mb a.m and uh it means a lot to us throw in the link to our sampler if you can but not all i forward slash

it's maboon bam oh i want to thank uh i want to thank blues traveler holy shiz i want to thank blues traveler for talking about how to go down on a woman on twitter to us if you can just like i want to keep this i really want to keep this blues traveler dialogue i had a i had a dream like a field of dreams dream about a live show featuring us in blues traveler if you could we could just like keep the line open that'd be great if you could send a link to uh at blues underscore traveler and then i think another underscore i don't think they could secure no no no they got blues underscore traveler just send a link to our uh send a link to our sampler to them let's just see if we can't get them let's just sort of test the waters a little bit

i would also like to point out that justin has more twitter followers than blues traveler wow let that say well justin did write the mid 90s hit hook he did write run around oh no wait that was loose travel i got him confused again hey um so along you know now that max fun drive is done this we got so much exciting coming up at max maximum fun uh you know we got max fun con coming up this summer um the atlantic uh comedy and music festival but also throwing shade just announced a ton of live shows happening in the next like two or three months they got one coming up april 28th in philadelphia and then some all through june in origan washington california minnesota and illinois so make sure

to check that out go to maximumfun.org for all the ticket information and to order tickets and everything i want to do that i know i want to do a tour i want to do it too but if i could tour and like just do six shows in cincinati yeah that'd be great can it be like a reverse tour where everybody comes to cincinati that'll be dope because i live here yeah i need my stuff is everyone can tour to cincinati and why wouldn't you it's like it's like the it's like the staycation of comedy tours and that's the name of the tour i want to thank john rodrick and the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed god i mean what is there to what is there to say what is there to say that hasn't been said i believe it was einstein

that said everything's been said already uh they're the best john rodrick is the ray stevens of our time he is god don't look careful that's the truth what about a cover album ray stevens cover album by the long winters and we can call it the long stevens this final yahoo answer was uh sent in by iraay okay it's my yahoo answers user purple is it possible to break your titty bone i'm just an acrobat i don't try to sound a different acrobat it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips um

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