My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 149: Terminatored

Episode Date: April 22, 2013

Shhhhhhh. Yes, we did an episode this week. But, please, listen to it at a low volume. Some of us are trying to nap off an all-day drunk. Like, most of us. Two out of three of us. Suggested talking points: Coors is Cool, Company Ink, Cyble, First Dance, Mellencamp, Cat Smooches, Chun-Li

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey everybody, it's my brother, my brother, and me. Welcome to the show. It's going to be a big show. We've got a lot of jokes for you this week, a lot of you writing in with problems and queries and problems, and we got the solutions for you. First question, how, how a lot of the noise can you make, Justin? Well, question asked, that's a good question. Here's the

noise. That's actually, that's actually healing me, that's soothing me. That's, that's great. That's not only sonically unpleasant for me, probably our listeners as well. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I went to sleep at 11 o'clock last night, and I feel great. I'm your middle-list brother, Travis McElroy, and I stayed out drinking a lot at a bachelor party, went to bed at like three o'clock in the morning, then woke up at seven o'clock in the morning, and drove five hours to get back to Cincinnati. I mean, mine's not as good. I'm Griffin McElroy, I'm the baby brother. I just, I just drank a whole bunch. I didn't, there's not like a whole production. There wasn't a traveling element to my story. Yeah, I just, I drank all day.

Is the problem. Here's, here's what I actually did. I went to a, I went to a ramp dinner last night. You guys familiar with ramps? Apparently West Virginia. That's what you do, sweet stunts. You jump your bikes off of my Travis Estrana. No, no, no sweet stunts. It's a West Virginia delicacy. Oh, onions. Yeah, yeah, sort of a, it's in the garlic, garlic family. It tastes a little bit like greens, like very garlicky greens, but you have a whole big party around them. Our friends, Kimberly and Mike has out there, they have chickens and goats that they actually get the eggs from. We bought some eggs from them. From goats? They have goat eggs? We bought goat eggs from them. They cost a hundred million dollars because they don't exist. No, we bought chicken

eggs from a person that we know is like so local. You're still, you're still just a little too up, just like down just like a few steps. Well, we've done this show, hungover before. Have we done two people? No, hungover. This is the most hungover the show's ever been. If I need to bring myself down a little bit, I can just think about how excited I am about buying eggs from someone I know because that's like where my life's at. That's pretty sad. It is a little bit. Okay. Yeah, there it is. Okay. It's not, it's sure as shit ain't happy. Bringing me down, bringing me on down. I woke up this morning with diarrhea and a nosebleed. Like, I don't think I should drink. Wait, hold on, to be fair, coming out of the appropriate holes? Yes. That is my favorite Hank Williams senior

out. I don't think I should drink anymore. I don't think I should, I don't think my body is, my body is no longer capable of taking my life essence on credit in the way that you do when you get super drunk and you know that tomorrow's gonna suck. The exchange, the fucking APR on that deal is dog shit. The ROI on that particular transaction. Because I also know that there is nothing I could do in the future to balance that out. Like, I couldn't be super drunk one night and like incredibly sober the other night. Like, I can't go past zero. What was your, what was your beverage of choice Griffin? Oh, it was, oh, it was, maybe you've heard of it, Coors Light. I got a lot of beef for my so-called friends. I got, I have to revisit the terminology

now because all I called it was Coors and that's apparently not what you're supposed to call it. It's not Coors. There's two fucking O's in there. Coors. Coors. Coors. When you say like that, when you say like that, it doesn't sound like bath water. Coors is for cool people. That is that, that great failed campaign from the 60s. Hello, I'm Yule Brenner. Coors is for cool people. It's not. Unfortunately, I've just been alerted by the producer this commercial has been canceled. Well, I didn't even know that happened. Coors is odd and it's done. Okay, I'll stop. Let's, let's just hurry. Let's help someone else because you guys can't help yourselves. This question comes from Jaquie in Chicago. I handle all the UPS packages at my office. The man who

delivers them is a super nice guy. We're always sharing anecdotes and jokes. He's a great mini break in the middle of the workday. Problem is, I don't know his name. It's been over a year since I've started this position and I don't know how to ask without it being awkward. Suggestions? I have a suggestion. Don't worry about it. Okay. Next question. Come on. We said we got to fucking move it a clip so I can. The reason I say don't worry about it is he's never going to quiz you on it. It's never going to come up. Like we have a male dude that rolls up to since he shakes every Tuesday during staff meeting and we applaud for him every time because he usually brings us checks and that is nice.

And like I don't know his name and I'm also going to be honest with you, I don't care. He's the male guy that I clap for. We have our exchange. He goes away. It's great. I also think he thinks we're all assholes because I think he thinks we're applauding ironically. And in fact, you are applauding sincerely because you're theater jerks. But I don't know a way to clap and simultaneously say, but I mean it. There's no way to not clap ironically anymore. It's 2013. Every clap is ironic. I know. There's a great, a great method you can use here that I have used before is to introduce yourself. Go with this. I don't know if I've introduced myself before. My name is Jalee and he'll be like,

oh, my name is UPS. It will be so weird. You're going to wonder how you didn't catch that before when his name turns out to be. My name is Eustace Paul Stevenson. His name is just UPS. What's up? I'm Big Ups. They called me down at the factory. It's not a nickname. My parents are drunks. I think though, if you do that move, you got to start off with something like, you know, you come in every day and I don't, you know, and we've never been properly introduced. I don't think you can say, I don't believe we've been introduced because that makes it seem like you forgot that he comes in every day. He also knows how bad it is to be in this situation. He also doesn't like that you don't know his name. I'm assuming Jaquie is wearing a name tag of some

sort. Or that she fucking signs for packages. Signs for packages. Yeah. Okay. Ask him to sign for this one. That's a fun game. Say, can you maybe sign for this one with your name? Are you wanting to know because like for flirting or just because you like, but she's trying to dip her pen in the cup? Well, she, okay, hold on. Her, she has the ink. You got it. Okay. Start the metaphor over. She wants to have her. She wants to spill her ink all over his head. She wants to have her company ink well dipped in by his cock. Wait. Okay. We'll get it back. She wants to have sex with him. They want to have sex together. You don't know that's not true. Well, why else would she want to know his name? There are myriad reasons. Name one that doesn't involve them fucking.

Christmas card. Yeah. Like you're going to give a Christmas card to UPS, man. Next. I'm writing a check for you for Christmas, for your Christmas bonus. Nobody has ever done that. That's a old lifestyle. Can you tell me how to smell your first name? Also, nobody bonuses a UPS, dude. Yeah. Well, they bonus, they bonus them in the sense that they fucking bones them. They bones them. Why are you so sex obsessed? I'm trying to, trying to keep this show clean. Yeah. Griffin gets that cool as I've been and he gets on here. Oh, I've been fucking, oh, I turned into a mountain. It's like, it's like drinking the mountains frost. And it just gets so ribbed. You guys, okay. So you guys tip your mail, man. Obviously. Never.

No. Have never done it. Have never done it. No. I, I left a nice dresser on the French dude. I don't think, I think they think that is a chore, actually. No one tips me. Why doesn't everybody tip me? Yeah. I think you're, you're supposed to tip. Why? For people in, in like service industries. But here's the thing, in this day and age, I don't even know that we have the same dude every day. Yeah. Like, except for UPS. Like, I know that the UPS lady at, since he shakes, is the same woman every week. She has a very distinctive hairstyle and she's hard to miss. And so I know that she's the same one. It's not the uniform. Well, no, I'm saying that like, I don't confuse her with other UPS people.

I'm with you. I'm with you. But like, as far as like my, first of all, I never see my garbage men. They're like a mystery to me. I, but see, here's my thing. I get pretty, I get pretty buck wild with the things that I leave to be thrown away that have not been like properly bagged or anything. So I, for me, a lot of it is dealing with residual guilt. I'll leave like, just, just stacks of cardboard boxes everywhere. Or like my hands on the ground. Do you tear them down though? What? No, I don't tear them down. I tip it. You just like build a fort out there and like hang a sign says like, your job, it's not that far off. Last, last week I left a, a cardboard box full of broken glass that I wrote broken glass on.

Well, then you just, no, Justin, you went, you went above and beyond there. You went above and beyond. You, you gave him fair warning that, Hey, don't stick your paw in here. You big angry bear. Dirty syringes. I don't think they root for you. I hope not. At least they're not seen the Mille USOS Charlie Sheen movie. That's all they do. You can't trash. What movie? Oh God. Is it called like minute work? I believe. But yeah, basically the garbage men that end up getting caught up in some kind of political scandal, but the beginning of the movie, there's like going through people's trash and finding naked pictures of people. It's a really weird movie. I'm glad they could work together though on something. That must be exciting. That's what this podcast, it's, it's

my brother, my brother and me of Emilio Estevez movies. Here's one, Yahoo. Please. Have we been doing this for an hour yet? It's by, it was sent in by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's by a who answers user. Yasser, who asks. Building a Terminator. Experts only. If you are a troll or stupid, then get the hell out of this question. Experts only. The entire internet vacates the room. Bye. Later. Hello? Hello? Operator? Operator? Let me just refresh them. Nope, still no users. I've decided I want to build a Terminator T800 and I need some help how to make this happen. First things first, where can I get the parts for it? Is there any

sites where they sell body parts for any models of Terminators? Second question, where can I get the schematic for a Terminator? I would be very thankful for the one that gives me the right info and I will reward you with 10 points. Whoa. That sounds good. That's an exchange rate that is, I don't know what Yahoo points are used for. That is, uh, yeah, I don't know what the conversion is. I feel like I am owed roughly 3 billion Yahoo points for all the work we've done. I think this person is putting the cart before the horse a little bit in asking where they can get parts and then asking how to get schematics. I also want to say that I feel like it's a little cut corner to be like I want to build a Terminator. Also, where can I get pre-built body parts for it?

It's like, hey man, if you're not going to do it from scratch, then like what's the point? Well, maybe they lack the tools for this particular fabrication. So you're saying they want like a snap together model, you know what I mean? They don't want to like carve it. Like Kinex, you remember Kinex? He wants that, but it builds a future robot. You could probably build a Terminator out of Kinex, but all he would be able to do is like lift a ball to the top of a roller coaster. Yeah, which in and of itself would be pretty baller. But I guess then you couldn't really define him as a Terminator because he would not in fact be terminating anything. Well, except for your boredom.

What if when the ball makes it to the top of the thing, a big laser comes out of his head and kills people? I haven't seen the Terminator movies. I've never seen the Terminator movies. I swear to God, I haven't. You've not seen any of them? None, no. I watched half of the first one and like only two people got killed and I was like bored. I watched the animated Saturday morning cartoon version. Okay, let me tell you guys the story of the Terminator. I will start from the beginning. Sarah and her son, John, Sarah Connor is pregnant with a baby and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a robot, a series 800 Terminator. Is he the dad? What? No. Sorry, is he the dad? No, he's a robot. So robots can't, sorry, sorry to keep interrupting you, Justin. Is the baby half robot? Well, I've

seen Bicentennial Man and robots can like come and they can like create babies just like a normal person. Okay, let me start again and this time I will replace the Terminator with Robin Williams, robotic character from Bicentennial. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Okay, so Bicentennial Man, as portrayed by Robin Williams, travels is in a war in our future, is in a war with humanity. Okay. Robots versus humans, right? Does he have his skin and stuff yet or is he still like the creepy servo bot? At this point he has skin. Okay, so we're close to the end of the movie. We're close to the end of the movie, it's in our future, but he's about to go to the beginning of the movie, which is our past. Back when he didn't have, when he had just,

when he was just metal. John Connor is leading humanity's revolt against robots. Is this the baby? The baby is doing this? Yes, yes, a baby from inside the womb. Fully grown John Connor is leading humanity's revolt against the robots. Okay, so the robot's like, this is going bad. I don't think we're going to win this one. And they're like, well, first off, well, this is the thing, the robots never give up. Okay, here's the thing, I don't see the robot sitting around a table back. Listen, guys, we're blowing it. Listen, guys, I put a lot of thought into this and this is what happens. So listen, so they make a bunch of robots that look like our Schwarzenegger. And now our Schwarzenegger is a T 800, but he's the

101 model. So like his series is like his robotic abilities. And that 101 refers to like his flesh covering, which all look like our Schwarzenegger. So they send him back in the past to kill John Connor's mom, which seems harsh. It seems harsh. T two, Terminator two. And that's the end of the movie. They send him back and say good luck on the movie. He's like, thanks, I'll do what I can. So then, okay, so then T two, they tried again with a robot made of liquid. But by this point, the humans have their own Arnold Schwarzenegger and they send him back to protect him from that. And that's John Connor's dad. That's debatable. Is John Connor's his own dad? Oh, I saw the scene in the original T T one, where Arnold Schwarzenegger goes that woman's door is like, are you the

car now? And she was like, yes, let me take out my chewing gum. She was like, are you Sarah Connor? Yes, I am. And then he's like, oh, sorry, are you the Sarah Connor that specifically the one that has a baby and the baby and the are you pregnant right now with a baby that just like feels like a like a few apocalyptic leader of men. And she's like, no, that's not I'm like, I'm like 60 years old. I've clearly had menopause already. Like it's clearly not me. And he's like, okay, I apologize for the mistake. Have a nice day. I love what you I love the taste for the hedges in your yard. They're good. Well, I'm here. Do you know any other Sarah Connors that maybe you have like a daughter your name? Did you name a daughter after yourself?

By the way, I have good news about robot Jesus. He's a new he's a new Jesus. I'm just gonna leave them pamphlet in a hundred years or so. It's really gone as it's just sweep the nation. Get on board super early with robot Jesus. I could I could leave you a few excerpts from the cyborg. That's a side that's a cyber Bible that robot Jesus wrote for you from the future. No, okay. Let's not try. I'm gonna go. His, uh, his oil will wash your hot cream if you want that. That was a fucking super, super good impression we all did together. We all did increasing good impressions. If we if we had a fourth brother, he would be indistinguishable for my own sports maker because of diminishing returns and statistics. You know, a lot of people

don't know this, but doing a doing a normal sports thing or impressions is really easy. Just lower your voice slightly and mumble. And apparently the only hard part is finding the temptation to say anybody want to be there. Definitely. It is your same. I just have an impression of a big man. Do you're do you're Jesse Ventura? Oh, I'm the hello. I'm also a governor. I, um, it's it's hard because it's it's also really close to my impression. I'm an adult, like, all grownups to me sound like all sorts of things. Um, so Griff, just sign up. Should we make like a bunch of loud noise so it's easier to find the edit mark for when you cut out that giant section where we talk about Terminator? No, no, we'll just move on. At my

boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half yet somehow and all this time we've never had quote a song. We like a lot of the same music and there are several songs that fill me with warm fuzzies because they remind me of him. But it seems a little gauche to pick one and declare this will be our song. How do normal humans pick their song? Where can we find one? Not knowing anything about our relationship. Do you have any suggestions? Romantic rhapsody in the Rockies? The only people that do that are like 12. Racial and I do not. We do not know like what our first dance song is going to be. Yeah, that's the thing. Dries and I, we had never really contemplated it until the first dance question came up and we're going to go with Nice and White

Satin by the Moody Blues. It's a good one. Yeah, but I mean, that's more of like, that's because that's her favorite band and it's like a really appropriate first dance song. Yeah. And it's hard because like I already found the best one ever. So it's like, you know, how do you top? Yeah, we're all, Travis and I are basically fighting for second now. Yeah, it's all just a battle for second. I wish that picking a song for a couple was like, it was just randomly assigned and it had nothing to do with like your emotional connection to the song or anything. You think you should get out of like a Zoltan machine? Yeah, carnival. You're like if you... It's like your song is Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen and you're like, but why? I, you know what, we did

have our first dance to Lurals Stay a While with me, but I think other songs have probably become more emblematic of our, like I think they would, that we identify with them more as a couple over time. I think that you're, you're probably, there's nothing that says that you're going to find your song that early because I think that part of your song is that it represents a lot of what your relationship is about. And I think it takes a while for you to understand what your, what your dynamic is. And, and you know what, there's a lot of songs. May I interrupt, Justin? Sure. The problem with that, and the problem with this question in general. May I interrupt? Yes. Okay. Oh, you did a double back. Oh, you got me. So what I did there is I've reversed. That's a

reversing. You did a reverse, reverse. Oh, that could be, that could be your, the Cha-Cha slide could be your song. Maybe this is our song. Oh fuck, that would be the fucking best first dance wedding song ever. It's like the fucking Cupid Shuffle comes on and you and your, your new significant, your new life partner are like fucking start doing it. And other people get up and you're like, what are you doing? Down. This is our dance. Nobody else can do the chicken dance but us. It's our song. It's our dance. Let us gog them style and peace. But that's a good choice. So the issue though with the parameters of the question is that I think you can totally have a song until you actually quantify it as this is our song. And then it's like, well, now it's not anymore.

Why? That doesn't make any sense. Well, because suddenly it's like, it's like, it's like a quantum physics thing. Like as soon as it's observed, it stops being true because now it's become cliche as opposed to just being true. The only thing that makes it your song is that observation of it being your song. It is completely something that is independent of that. It is actually, but I would rather have it. I would rather have it though, because it's like, every time this song comes on, you and I sing along to it. And like, we know this is a thing, but we don't say it out loud. I would never go to one of my friends and be like, yeah, Theresa, my song is a, blah, blah, blah. Take it to the limit. Take it to the limit. Take it to the limit.

Take it to the limit. Our song is no diggity of a black street. It's pretty good. You're, you are thinking about having a song as something that you would like widely report to people in day-to-day conversation. I think that whatever your song is should be a very private discussion and maybe not something you, you know, share with other people. I think it's a very intimate, intimate decision. But then they're going to, I mean, eventually it's going to come out, right? You think? It's hard to keep that secret, huh? What are you going to do if you guys get married and you do have that as your first dance song? And you used to be like, don't, we're not going to play it, but we're going to imagine it and you guys will never know. Could ever leave the room

because we're going to have our first dance. You're tying our song to our first dance song at a wedding, which is like very different conversation. I feel like whatever your song is can be transitional. Like, I think it can evolve over time because what if they release a song the day after you get married that is like, like, what about two people and they're named Jack and Diane and like literally the day after they get married, the cougar drops Jack and Diane on us. And they're like, of course this is our song. We grew up in the heartland and shit, all that stuff, baby. Guys, I'm a little, I'm actually a little worried about how the cougar, has the cougar been, have you noticed John Cougar Malekamp following us around? Because this song is like almost biographical

of our lives, Diane. It is like a literal, went to Arby's yesterday to pee in him. You got a medium rosy sandwich. Apple turnover. Like, fuck, that's my exact order. I heard the new John Cougar Malekamp song and then I looked to my husband. I said, can you believe this? And it just becomes an echo as you're doing it. And then he won't stop. It's like that R. Kelly song. It's like that Doctor Who episode. John Cougar Malekamp is taking my words. He's using my voice. We've got to throw John Cougar Malekamp off the train. Three brothers making a podcast together. Sing about my song. And they're still talking about it. And he's the fourth brother. I'm jerking off outside one of their windows. They'll never know

which one, but it's Travis. Oh shit. No. Hey, Travis, it's me. John Nathan Malekamp. I was about to say Cougar. What are you doing here? What if he just switched to Jonathan Malekamp? Oh, I thought you said John Nothing Malekamp. John Rest Malekamp. John Cougar Malekamp. He actually drew a rest in there in the middle of his name. There's a picture of the musical notation for a rest. Christ. Every time he says his name, you can actually hear him pronounce the beat in between. Hi, I'm John Malekamp. Hi, I'm John Malekamp. He actually taps his leg twice. Malekamp. Hey, we want to change your name. We like your songs, but what if you could change your

name to Johnny Cougar? Like absolutely not. No. Absolutely not. Listen, we've been working, we've been workshopping your image, your brand. You got to drop one of your names. It's just too it's just too long. I'm gonna drop John. Turn now on, I will be Cougar Malekamp. We highly recommend losing Malekamp. We highly, if you're gonna lose one of the, I don't know, I'm not really married to Cougar because it's like not what my parents fucking called me. I think I might lose Cougar. I'm not sure about that decision. I'm gonna say that I really like that when they split up. I actually like Cougar stuff better now that he's not with John Malekamp. I know. You're saying that there is an entity out there. Yeah, it's like Crosby Stills and Nash. It's wicked not like that.

Yeah, it's John Cougar and Malekamp. John Cougar and his excellent Malekamps. His legal name is John Cougar and he actually married a woman named Mellancamp and he's super progressive. It's hyphenated. Yeah. John Cougar Mellancamp of the Cougar Mellancamp. I'd say it's already bad enough that I worked for eight years to get my doctorate and you won't let me put doctor in my name. Actually, he's a Cougar doctor. He's a Cougar doctor, Dr. Cougar. Why didn't he go to veterinary school? If he ever drops out of music, I think he has to try to reestablish John Cougar. I think if you have to see if you can get people to call you that in like a regular day-to-day context. I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a couple years. We're planning

our first weekend getaway for the early summer. I'm excited, but feel a bit discouraged. The first time we talked about the specifics of what we want to do, we had an argument. Moving forward, I want to minimize the stress of this. Do you have any advice on how to plan a trip with a significant other smoothly? No. It is always, it's always going to be a little stressful. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like I'm not trying to paint like a yes-deer everybody loves Raymond scenario. The fact of the matter is, is like when you get two people and everybody's gonna, you know, I'm not going to let you be smart to everybody loves Raymond. You can dump on yes-deer all you want. That's fine. That's great. Oh yeah, because Michael Malley doesn't, isn't having like fucking hard enough

already without having Travis's problems dog piled on him. Listen, everyone but Michael Malley on that show was dumb. Michael Malley was great on that show. But everybody's going to have their own agendas and want to do their own stuff. And it's just the way that happens, you know, from like the kind of music you're going to listen to as you drive down there to like what you're going to do once you get there. It's, it doesn't need to be a fight. It just needs to be like a compromise discussion kind of deal. I'll tell you what my tip stop giving a shit about anything other than not dying. Yeah. As long as you like don't get killed on the trip, who cares what you do? As long as you're together, that's what, that's what, uh, that's, we don't go in with an agenda. We try

to avoid agendas when traveling as much as possible because that's where you'll get tripped up. Like that's how you get on the, that's how you get on the fucking case. That's how you get on a case is you have an agenda. If you don't have an agenda, then you can just sort of take things as they come, you know, free, freeing the wind. I don't think our dad, like dad it out on too many like dad issues, like dad, dad problems. But one thing that he very, very much dadded was when we go on trips and he would like just get the metric for success for the trip would become this crazy thing. Like if we don't find a fucking steak and shake in this goddamn Florida town where I heard a rumor, I heard a rumor that there's a steak and shake and we are going to drive around

for two hours until we find it. And that's how it'll be perfect. This is, um, you can actually watch dad that can like respond less and less to questions. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's in his own world of failure. He's in his own like distinct, uh, we once drove around for two hours, like out of our way on a road trip, two hours to find this barbecue place called Marisa's. Do you guys remember this? And it ended up being, uh, like the sauce was mustard base and it was foul. I'm sure there are people here listening who are like devotees of Marisa's, but like we drove two hours out of this place and I would not eat a single thing on the menu. I think I ate like baked apples or something. It was a nightmare, but like that was the metric for success. You're not a barbecue

fish in auto. I am not to be fair. And I mean, I catch myself doing that too, because like I'll get hung up on some like littlest stupid detail. Like we got to be back at the hotel by five, so we could do this by six. And it's just stupid. Like it means that what I've learned, if I make it savvy for a moment, what I've learned is that the difference between like you going on a day trip somewhere is like an adventure, you know, hanging out versus going on a trip with a significant other. Really, it's to spend time with them. Everything else is just kind of secondary, you know what I mean? It's, it's you guys going to gather if it's important and everything else would just kind of fall into place. Even if you just like end up going and sitting in a hotel room

for a week, but enjoying each other's company, that's, you know, that's better than fighting about every little detail. If price permits, I would suggest going to a place that is all inclusive because that is basically just being on like a vacation conveyor belt. It's like being on like a factory line of vacation where they just put the vacation stuff on you. And you're in a really good position now chronologically because you can go to a place without a very specific plan and just kind of yelp what you're looking for, whatever you need, whatever you're in the mood for at that moment, or just ask somebody when you get there, you know, don't ask the concierge because you know he's getting kickbacks. But, but, you know, I think

the problem you had was sitting down for a planning session. Yeah, don't do that. Just decide where you want to go, decide where you're going to stay, and then, and then, you know, figure it out together. Don't, don't, I have this saying that I came up with. It's don't sweat the small stuff. That's good, Justin. Thanks. In life. And it's also, and the other thing is it's all small stuff. That doesn't fucking make any sense. How can you not sweat the small stuff if it's all small stuff? Then it's just everything's average stuff. Except for racial injustice. That's the one thing. You can't sweat racial injustice. You have to sweat racial injustice if that should pop up during your weekend away. We sat down for a planning session and just evolved

into racial injustice. Griffin, you got any more yahoos? Oh, we should probably go to the money zone. Let's get there. Welcome to the money zone, everybody. We've been thrown into a tizzy by Will Oh with this message for Ainsley because the message is this, and I will read it without comedy. Therefore, if it is a joke, we are legally, we're on sound ground. If it's serious, we're legally protected. Even though you're mutilated in that boating accident and left deformed from the waist up and never venture into public out of fear and shame, I still love you very much and wish you the happiest, happiest birthday you deserve and lead deserve. Will, I'm sure, will be writing to us soon to ask how to apologize for making white of his

if there's boating accident. I don't think you can be deformed from the waist up. I think there's some vital shit up there that like once you start tweaking with the recipe a little bit, like once you start, once you start adding in little tweaks to the schematics, then you start fucking with that. You're done, though. Waste up is super important. Waste up's like all the good stuff's there. I choose to believe it's true. I'm sorry. Happy birthday to Ainsley. We're really sorry. Either we're really sorry about your accident or we're really sorry about Will. Either way, we're sorry, but happy birthday. Travis, what about this other one? What's the story here?

This next one's to Ryan from Zabs. Happy birthday to Ryan Alexander. He introduced me to your awesome podcast, which just adds to how much awesomer he's made my life. Thanks for helping me fill the void between MB&BAM episodes. Also, I hope you like this gift because it's exhausted my budget for your birthday. Hugs and nags, hashtag. Why didn't you read that word? Because I don't know what it means. Wow. To fill the void between MB&BAM episodes, self say jacks. Maybe that's his handle on the street. Like a CB handle. That's his graffiti tag. I thought that said hugs and nugs.

We have 420 on the brain. Did you guys spliff out? Did you guys fire up a J and smoke yourselves? I did. I ground up my weed and I snorted it. I actually celebrated 420 the way I've celebrated everyone for the past few years, reading Facebook statuses of friends who are too old to smoke weed and are very mournful about it. I get a lot of that on the old wall now. A lot of like, hey, you kids have fun. I got too many responsibilities, but go ahead and smoke them if you know where to buy them. I just boarded up the windows so that when all the reefer zombies attacks, I would be safe.

Yeah, you gotta look after number one. Do you guys remember back in the early days when there was like a cabal of our listeners who thought that we were like pot high pretty much all the time? And I remember there was once where Justin took like a pretty heinous sip of his coffee and people thought it was a water pipe. Like a water pipe for weed, not for water transportation. I still don't know where to buy that. So if you'd have some or just, you know, want to sell me some, that would be that would be great. If only it weren't so hard to find people that sold weed. It, for me, it is unless you're my FedEx guy or the lady at Starbucks, or that's it.

That's the only people that could sell me weed that I interact with regularly. Okay, I thought you were saying aside from those two dealers, I don't know. Aside from my local librarian. People at libraries gotta be selling weed a lot, right? Yeah, why else would they be fucking interested in reading? Spring has sprung. A young man's fancy is turning to love. And you know what that means? It's dildo time. Hey, happy dildo day, everybody. This is dildo week here. My brother, my brother,

we were talking about. The dildo has come out of his shell to see his shadow. I know it's time for spring. Came out of a butt. Do you guys like huge dildos? To give me some sort of metric, because that could mean like my definition of what a huge dildo is is probably different than what yours is. If it looks like something that the eye of Sauron would appear above, like that's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

I actually prefer a lot of really small dildos. Is that better for you? And it's just cuter. It's fun. It's like a couple of pins on a desk. You know in that one scene in Fantasia where Mickey Mouse chops up the broom and it becomes a bunch of brooms? It's like that. But with dildos. Do they sell that on Extreme Restraints? Do they sell? Do they sell a young man's fancy on Extreme Restraints? Can you buy that?

Can I buy my innocence back on Extreme Restraints? I want to tell you guys about one very special dildo to me. This is the Annihilator X. X. And you guessed it. XL dildo. This thing. The extra axis for excellence. This man looks like he is cradling a poodle. A black shiny poodle in front of his crotch. It is 18 inches long and is nine pounds.

Fuck! How do you even... How do you fucking operate that? You gotta have a trusted friend. You have to have a accomplice for this billbow. Or a running start. Either way, I guess. Yeah, I don't really understand. Let me zip on out of the comments and see... The comments are all just like, no, no, no, no. I love how flexible this one is and I love taking it all the way to the base.

I felt like I would explode. Now, folks, when you want to leave it a product review on ExtremeRestraints.com, it is so important to make sure it doesn't sound like you're bragging. And this one seems very bragging to me. It's like a backdoor bra. I couldn't see my gut though. That was a suit. My husband many years ago suggested a threesome,

with his very well endowed best friend. My husband's small, only six inches long. Uh-oh. So he's still into threesomes, I guess. And anyway, my husband a few years ago bought me this and OMG, it's huge and intense. I was lucky. I have sex a lot, but with a very big cock. But this OMG, it's on a different level.

And so am I. I am addicted to feeling stretched and maxing my pussy out. Justin is no longer reading review. He is just letting his forming thoughts. Just forming thoughts in his brain and using his mouth to express them. I actually love the power move of telling your wife you're going to have a threesome with your well endowed friend. Your well endowed friend gets out his wiener.

And then he turns his back for just a second. And that's when you whip out the annihilator XXXL. It really kills the appeal of Greg. And it also kills the person that it plunges into. Is there any reviews like I am typing this as I'm using it for the first time and am now dead? This period, I'm hitting the period, hitting, clicking the send button and dying. This person says when they sent an annihilator at XXXL, they were not at all joking. That would be a free one.

This is the loved ones. We came home. David had been shucked like a pistachio. But he sure did look happy. Thanks, Extremer. He died with a smile on his face. Like a toddler ripping apart a fruit roll-up. Just split right into a plane.

He was. Go check out extremerstrengths.com. There are good things on there that like not that this isn't a good thing, but there are things on there that probably won't kill you starting from your butt. That's kind of the more extreme. That is as extreme as you can possibly go. And make sure to use the coupon code FANNYTIME to get 20% off of your order. I can't wait until that one gets hacked so we can come up with a better one.

Because we love coming up with those. Extremerstrengths.com, Fanny Time. Get there, get your savings, and get yourself killed. Do you guys want a yahoo? Absolutely. This yahoo was sent by Alicia in them. Thank you, Alicia. It's probably fucking yahoo answers user.

John, I just got tired. I just got exhausted from sitting forward in my chair. Rough day. Rough day. Rough afternoon. John asks, is it normal for a guy, 24, to kiss cats in a pet store? I go to a pet store and when I find the cats I like, I hold him, may hug him, and kiss him all through his body except face.

As if I was kissing a dear friend of mine. Is that normal or is that unacceptable and perv? I'm sorry to Justin and Travis that I didn't read this question beforehand and did not catch the part where he says he kisses everywhere except the mouth. Like pretty woman. Okay, first things first. Normal is an illusion invented by corporate America to keep you docile. Second, I mean that is like day one.

That's day one. Don't talk about normal in day to day life. I don't even want to hear about that. That TV show, The New Normal? I don't want to hear about that. No, The New Normal is the old normal because normal doesn't exist. That said, on behalf of kitty cats, don't... Please don't kiss the kitty cat that you don't have,

that you don't support fiscally and emotionally. You know, we all own cats. There's a very good chance this gentleman has kissed our cats all over. But as long as it's not on the head, then I can look that cat in the face. I can respect my cat still as a man. Is it normal for a guy 24 to kiss strangers at a bus stop? It's not. It is not okay to do that.

Is it okay to go to a nursery and just kiss all the babies I see everywhere except the face? Super not okay. Super not normal, 24. Normal, again, is an illusion. Typical is the word. Typical behavior? No. Is it orthodox behavior to smooch all the kitties,

although everywhere, all over their bodies? If I'm running a pet store and some guy smooches one of my kitties, I assume he's buying it. I'm like, where's your credit card? Because you just bought a cake. You point to the poster by the wall and say, you smooch it, you bought it. You smooch it, you bought it, weird beard. You can tell, too, if you go to a pet store and you look at a cat

and it has that smooched look, you're gonna buy it because it looks smooched. Adjustment smooched hair. Come on. All through his body. This guy is fucking hoisting, you're the clerk at this pet store. And you see this guy, he's going up and down the tail. Like he's demolishing a corn cob or something, just not missing a kernel of unsmooched fur.

And you are just jerking it. Oh, why would you do that? No, I mean, the clerk is jerking. It's not weird. Oh, if the clerk's jerking, then it's fine. That's the new normal. That's the new normal. We've just established it.

Is that what that show's about? Oh, man. It's basically, yeah, every week they pick a new, so there's two guys. They go to the pet store and every week one of the guys picks a different animal. Like maybe it's an iguana, maybe it's a big bird, and then he smooches it while the other one masturbates. Would you guys watch a reality show where the whole thing is how many animals can a person kiss in a pet store before they're ejected?

Before they ejaculate? Is that what you said? No, I said before they're ejected. That's the most. They just look at themselves and give up. God. How could you do this? How could you do this thing?

Just buy one. Let me drop my age in here. I'm going to kiss these cats all over their body. Let me just drop my age in here because that could be a defining factor. I'm not 12, but I'm not 45, which you know what? Now that I say it would be stranger. That would be stranger, wouldn't it? If I see a 24-year-old kissing every cat in the room,

I assume that he's trying to rush a fraternity. Well, 24 is a little old for that. He was held back a few years. He was developmentally. See, now we're developing some fiction. Is it possible he's been offered a job in this pet store and he's asking if it's a weird job? Is he maybe watching someone do this as he furiously types into Yahoo

and tries to find out if he should, in fact, eject this person from his store as he suspects? He and a friend saw it, and now they're debating about its relative normalcy. I don't know. It seemed fine to me. He looked about 24, so that's... I don't see the big deal. That's not the right age to do it.

See, okay. If you're going to do it, might as well do it at that age, 24. By the way... We're all looking for direction at that age. Kissing animals is the weirdest. If you kiss, if you let your dog lick your mouth, I'm done with you. I think it's... I think that...

I don't know. Their mouths are cleaner than our mouths, Griffin. Yeah, Griffin. Read a book. It's really cute when that happens, because they're giving you puppy smooches. Okay, I don't want to talk about the same word. I'm getting yucked out.

Puppy smooches. Okay. At my college, there is a sweet old lady who works reception. She likes to give people nicknames, usually harmless ones, like normal. Here's the problem. I guess she'd just started watching Pawn Stars, because now she's saying, I look like Chumlee from that show.

I think it's Chumlee. You're saying it like the Street Fighter. Okay. Chumlee. She's saying I look like Blanca, which is strange. It's not pretty again. Has begun calling me that. I know as a big guy,

I don't have a good crop to pick from in celeb lookalikes. Oh, man. This lady is like 90. How could I tell her politely that I don't appreciate being compared to a dude who looks like he showers in grease and seems to have mild brain damage? At that... At this point, I will settle for Kevin Smith. And that's from Backhanded in Houston.

Yeah, you've got a... Yes, it is bad. I'll give it to you straight. You got a bad... You got Delta bad hand here, Chumlee. But on the other hand, it could be so much worse. It could be worse. It couldn't, though.

It couldn't. He's really... That's a really rough one. That's a pretty bad one, because it's not only like a bad reference to the person who's bad. It's a reference to a bad show. And by acknowledging that you get it, people are going to think you watch Pawn Stars.

And Pawn Stars is awesome. I think it would be cool to force her hand on this, though. Because say that you don't know... You don't understand the reference. And force her to explain the similarities that you have with Chumlee. Is Chumlee like some kind of young, handsome, funny guy or...? Rake-ish, well-endowed college student, 24, loves to kiss cats? Is it because he's some kind of young stud who really loves old broads?

Make that old broad look you in the face and tell you you're fat. You look... He's a person who looks like he is made of hams. And that's what I think of you. Enjoy your day. Make her say that. And then use that. Because you're going to turn your life around.

You're going to walk into this lady's office one day, and she's going to be like, Chumlee, and you're going to be like more like Gile. Because you're going to have like big guns. And she's going to pull down her big old glasses, and just look at her and go, Damn! She's just going to pull down her big old panties.

You're going to have sex with that old woman. That's your new thing. Every time you're in training, I want you to imagine having sex with that old woman, giving her the old what for. You know what I mean? That's not... That is not something I want to think of.

I don't want to think about this person on The Biggest Loser. Like, think you got to use your motivation. Like, oh, fucking, I got it. I got it. I'm ready to go. I'm going to seduce this old lady. You have a huge boner. And there are other people waiting to get on the treadmill.

Bingo's in the corner. He's watching you. I don't know this bingo. Should I know bingo? Everyone needs to know bingo to get any of my references anymore. Everyone fucking do some... That's your homework. That's your take home for this episode of the podcast.

Is everybody look up who... Everybody Google Bingo Biggest Loser, and you're going to see him. You're going to see this living ball of sunshine that God has given us on this earth. It's a handsome young man. And then when I mentioned him on the show, and when I mentioned The Biggest Loser,

you're going to be... You're going to feel erudite. So that's what we want you to work on for the... For next week, for the seven days you have to do without us, we so appreciate you joining us once again and... Thanks for making it to the end of this one. This is... I'm not saying it was good or bad,

but it was... Man, I'm so tired. I think that after you edit it, maybe it'll be funnier. After I edit it, it'll be 12 minutes long. 12 minutes long. What happened to all that stuff about Robocop? I'll think to myself as I listen to it afterwards, because that's the thing I do.

I know. Thank you to people tweeting about the show. Thank you to Daniel Franson, Petty Windsor, Y.V. Ritesh, Dan Bowden, Phil Rose, and Nicole... That's blue, Nicole, mind you. And H.L. Peacock, everybody tweeting about the show. We really appreciate it. Please use the NBNVM hashtag.

And throw a link to our sample in there, if you're going to tweet about the show. It's bit.ly forward slash it's mabimbam. Super big thanks again to everybody who donated during Maximum Fun Drive. We did super well for the network. The people who picked their shows after they donate, we did super, super well for that.

I don't know, it's really flattering, not only that people are willing to support us, but that we are on this network of people who, I think, are the funniest people in the world, and that you guys are supporting us. I want to say also another couple of thank yous to people who have mailed us things. That's PO Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 2506.

We got a postcard from Rachel, who was visiting the Crazy Horse Monument. So she sent us a picture of a Native American. So we appreciate that. And a giant thank you to Justin Gray, who, if you don't know Justin Gray, he made two amazing posters from our brother. My brother made like year interview posters.

Oh, shit. He printed three of each of them and sent them to us. And I have them. Oh, I want those. I know, I'll get them to you. And if you have not seen those, it's burnedabilled.blogspot.com. We would forward slash. Forward slash.

Admin. Forward slash. So make sure you go look at those. I wish he would make more. I'd love for people to be able to do it. Well, don't fucking guilt the guy. Well, no, I'm saying like, let's get rich. I'm disappointed.

I'm disappointed in his output. We need to merch up. Merch up. We do. We need to merch. For real, we haven't merged in a while, and people are always like, come. Well, when's your new hair coming?

We're like soon. Soon. If you got some merch you'd like to see from us, let us know because. Also, speaking of a big thank you to hood, hoodwinked fool on on the twitters. They remixed our Daft Punk song from last week's episode and posted a video of it on Facebook.

Oh, fuck. We'll post the link again. Yeah, I got to listen to that. It's so good. Oh, yeah, it's good. It's hype. And thank you to you. Did you already thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters

for the theme song that's the departure of the I'm putting the days to bed? No, I want to thank. I really want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for this song. Good. Good. And thank you to you so much.

Gryffindor, do you have one more question for us? Yeah, I can. I don't want me to scrounge one up here. Sticking to the scraps. And this Yahoo was sent by David Pounce. Thank you, David Pounce. It's by Yahoo Answers user John889743 Who asks, is Eminem the new Socrates of our times?

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Gryffindor McElroy. He's been my brother. My brother made Kiss Your Dad. School way on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported.